The Nick DiPaolo Show - 028 - 5th de Mayo

Episode Date: May 7, 2014

5th de Mayo

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. Nick Tappala podcast. Happy Cinco de Mayo there, huh? That's the sound of Cinco de Mayo. It's the 5th of May, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. What's that celebrate?

Well, I don't even know. Do you know, Joe? You're pretty cultured. What goes on in Mexico the 5th of May? I am it? Yeah. Yeah. What's that celebrate? Well, I don't even know. Do you know, Joe, you're pretty cultured. What, uh, what goes on in Mexico that the 5th of May? I am pretty cultured. I lived in Harlem for a year. Yeah. Uh, and I have a gay friend sort of, I don't know. What's the significance? Some sort of freedom. By the way, that's Joe List talking and he's with his lovely girlfriend. Sarah is in there and she gives Sarah, if you want to, anytime you want to pipe in that mic for both of of you pipe in you know or peep in I have a third mic but I don't have a chord that goes to it so I put it out there to tease you um so you don't know the significance either no but

yesterday was Star Wars days did you know that no because I still like girls and pussy and stuff and I no I was never into that well because it's may 4th and it's may the 4th be with you pretty clever that's great so somebody with a hair lip came up with that idea may the 4th some kid who got bullied that makes sense anybody's into style i was gonna i you know it's funny you say that because before you came over i was flipping through the 19 hbo's i have and it really is a fucking nerd fest, Hollywood. Game of Thrones, Vampire Poo Poo, just the silly Captain America

the making. I mean, what are we? 12 year old boys? I hated that shit as a kid. I hated it now. I told you I try to watch Star Wars and it was a, I told you, it was a black guy with a helmet talking to a vacuum cleaner. That's what I get out of it. I just... I did a Star Wars bit when I first started doing comedy.

Let me hear it. Would you like to hear it? Yes. Joe List doing his Star Wars bit. This one, this got him second, what, got him 14th place on Last Comic Standing. I, excuse me, I'm coming over a cold, or coming over a cold? What are you, nervous? I'm always nervous.

You know me. Still the same old G, but I've been low-key. Star Wars. James Earl Jones. I'm doing the bit as I would when I was 17 years old. James Earl Jones does the voice of Darth Vader. Then in the last movie, they take his mask off, and it's not James Earl Jones. What's that?

Who was it? I don't know. It looked like Bobby Kelly, actually. It was like a... Fat ball guy? A fat white ball guy with scars on his head. Really? Yeah.

And he looks... I don't know what he looks like. Was it Rickles? It looks a little bit like Rickles. Rickles was Darth Vader? Yeah, hockey box. They take his mask off. I thought it should have been James Earl Jones.

Wouldn't that be a fun plot twist if the entire time Luke Skywalker's dad was a heavy set black man trying to sell a phone plan? Luke, you can save 10% with Verizon. That was my bit. And I would do the impression. And what's funny about comedy, there was never a point. I'll tell you what isn't funny about that bit what's funny is there was never there was never a point in my comedy career when i thought i was bad you know what i mean you never do i'm good that's a good joke it's funny you say that because i remember being at nick's comedy stop which was the comedy mecca

back in the day folks late 80s in Boston. And I was watching somebody up there. It might have been Loretta. No, I don't know who it was. But it was somebody. And I'm like, I've only been doing it like two years. And I'm sitting next to Kenny Roddish. And I go, oh, who's this fucking hack? And Kenny goes, do you really think you were funny, you know, six months ago?

I wasn't even funny when I said it. But he goes, you know, I mean, he really scolded me. He goes, you know, we all started somewhere. And then I was thinking back said it. But he goes, you know, I mean, he really scolded me. Right. He goes, you know, we all started somewhere and then I was thinking back on it and I think of my first open mic,

my material. I told you what I did. Yeah. You know, I was like, yeah, I just broke up with my girlfriend.

She was always, you know, a pain in the ass, always nagging me like, will you shave my back? You know, that was like the first one and then I did Archie Bunker

getting blown by a great white shark. Oh, wow. You do good impressions. Easy with the teeth. Uh-huh. That was an actual bit. And I wondered why I didn't.

Jesus, Joe, you all right? I got TB. What are you, bringing MERS in? What are you, the Philippines playing the funny bone? You should have seen me last week. I had the worst sinus infection. My teeth hurt. Have you ever heard of that?

Yes. My teeth were aching. That makes sense because all those nerves everything's attached. I blew my nose and I lost my molars. No, but that makes sense. The nerve endings all three are signed. Everything's kind of connected. It felt like someone was beating me in the face. I thought my girlfriend was kneeing me in the face

at night. I wish. Look at those knees. They're pretty hot. Sarah has like a short skirt on. She's got great legs by the way. Two of the best stems in the business. One time, I bet any of the girls, she only had one nice leg. The other one, she let it go. All right, well. She let it go?

What do you mean? I don't know. It was a silly joke. Oh, boy. You sounded like Pauly Walnuts when Anthony Soprano was dating that hot blonde chick. He's looking out the window of the living room. They're out by the pool talk, and he goes, look at the stems on blondie. Stems is my favorite leg term.

Stems is a good one. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the only one. I went out with- No, Gams is another one. I like Blade Runners. How about that fucking jerk off?

What a phony scumbag. Bad guy. Bad guy. Bad guy. Lean in, lean in. Yeah, sorry. You can turn the mic towards her a little bit, Joe.

Yeah, like that. Well, I was, but... I tried to put it in the middle of the couch for you. We're like backup singers. 40 miles from fame. Listen,

no, yeah, but what is he... He's puking on the... What an actor. This... Oof. I don't think

he's a good person. He's a rotten person. He's got spatula for feet. I told you. I told you. A big deal if he goes to prison. I remember it was in my first tweets. Who's going to fight a guy

who has shivs for feet? He's a scumbag. Who does he look like? Somebody we know, too. A comedian. I don't know if it's Pete. Not Pete Who does he look like? Somebody we know too A comedian I don't know if it's Pete Not Pete Dominic Every time I see him

Ben Bailey? Nope I haven't seen him in a while Either one of them actually Yeah so I don't buy this story at all First of all He had a

He almost He had a gun loaded In a restaurant with his friends He threatened to shoot There's like all this history right? But then she stayed with him Get right on that I feel like I wouldn't stay with somebody Pretend it shows penis in a restaurant with his friends. He threatened to shoot her. There's like all this history, right? But then she stayed with him. Get right on that. I feel like I wouldn't stay with somebody.

Pretend it's Joe's penis. Probably stay far. Yeah, back up. I feel like if I had a boyfriend that had a gun that went off in a building, like I wouldn't stay with them. Oh, don't be a pussy. You mean if Joe took out a rifle at Applebee's and shot the hat off a waiter?

I would love to bring a rifle to Applebee's. I'm anti-gun, everybody, but vote Jill Stein. But where was I the other day? Oh, I feel like I said this to Sarah. I don't want to sound like Rush Limbaugh here, but we went to Baskin Robbins at like one in the morning. I'm getting an ice cream. This guy, I sound like a fucking asshole or whatever. Not an asshole, but

whatever. This guy spoke zero words of English. I'm going, hey, can I get an ice cream? And the guy's going and he's just looking at me. He's making sounds. I lost all my juice in my ears. No, you didn't What happened there? I lost all my juice in my ears. No, you didn't, did you? I lost all my...

That's my mic. Are you back? I'm back, baby. I'm live. All right. He speaks zero... You were coming in hot, according to the board, but go ahead. Oh.

You're all right. He speaks zero words. And I go, I got to get two ice creams. Yeah. And first he gets... It takes me... He just points at each ice cream. And I go, no.

No, I'm going chocolate chip. Blah. No, chocolate chip. Blah. Yeah. I just have to multiple choice it. Then he finishes putting it in. I go, okay, now I'm going to get another one, a strawberry. He grabs a strawberry, just puts it on top of my ice cream.

Yeah, there you go. Well, hey, diversity celebrated, Joe. Embrace it. Unbelievable. Embrace it. Zero, he didn't know how to say ice cream. He works at an ice cream parlor. Diversity celebrated, Joe. Embrace it. Unbelievable. Embrace it. Zero worry. He didn't know how to say ice cream. He works at an ice cream parlor.

And again, I'm sure your side would say, well, they hired him because he's, you know, probably illegal to paint him a buck under the table. And we all suffer. Well, I don't take sides. I do. You have the balls to. Somebody has to at this point. That's the problem.

Nobody takes sides. Anyways. So what kind of ice cream did you get? I got a chocolate chip. Where was he from? You don't even know, right? That's the problem. Nobody takes sides. Anyways, so what kind of ice cream did you get? I got a chocolate chip. Where was he from? You don't even know, right? It was Middle East. It's 36th Avenue in Astoria,

so it's all Pakistan, Afghanistan. That's where, we've talked about this before, that's where the next terrorist attack is coming from. I lived over there. 36th Avenue in Astoria. It's all...

I lived over there right during, I told you, after 9-11 the next what was that was that a sneak it was a cop the uh 9-11 the next night the guy had his cab doors open dancing on the street remember that night looking out my window my neighbor was gonna go down with a bat and i go yeah yeah it was a hate crime but um yeah it's it's crazy over there the first episode of tough crowd we ever

did wasn't even it wasn't even an episode it was the pilot oh yeah it was the very first thing did it was a freezing night colin said let's go down to you know what's the skyway street yeah yeah and so we just had a handheld camera and we went into one of these they were watching soccer or something and it was all you know it was like an Arab coffee joint, whatever, Middle East. And we go in there and they waved us in. They were happy to see the cameras and stuff. And then one of us tried to go downstairs and they grabbed us and they shut the door. We don't know what's going on down there. They probably had two reporters down there, American.

Maybe. But yeah, that was a pretty interesting neighborhood, you know. Speaking of 9-11, how about this? Did I tell you this story already? I'm trying to do it as a bit. It's iffy. But I get a layover in Chicago in the morning. We land.

The guy goes, welcome to Chicago. The local time is 9. Stops. Pauses for about three seconds. He goes, it's 11 minutes past 9. Because you can't say it's 9-11 on a plane. Because evidently the whole plane is going to go, it's 9-11 time.

Everybody run. It's 9-11. Now, wait a minute. Are you speculating? Or you actually know that they can't say 9-11? This is his exact words. Please tell me this is... Welcome to Chicago, everybody. The local time is 9...

11 minutes past 9. So I put it together. He was trying to be funny, maybe. No, he's making a 9-11 joke. Yeah. No, he's saying. Without making a 9-11 joke. He said 11 minutes past nine because it's too PC.

I'm asking you. Or it's sensitive. Okay, but I'm asking you, that's not something that's in writing that they telepathy. They can't say. No. That was self-sensitive. It's not in writing, but I think he checked his watch, started to say the time, and was like, oh boy, they're all going to go crazy.

Just the idea that 13 years later, everyone's going to go, it's 9-11. Ah! Run. No, I know. So I say we get rid of 9-11. Make 9-10 and 9-12 30 seconds longer each. That's the bit. That's the reaction it usually gets.

Oh, boy. I saw more smiles on 9-12 in 2001 after that. Oh, you lived in Astoria. That's why. Yes, I did. Exactly right. Boy, we saved that one. I thought we were going to-12 in 2001 after that. Oh, you lived in Astoria, that's why. Yes, I did. Exactly right. Boy, we saved that one. I thought we were going to get angry tweets about this bit.

Look at it. You think it's just a performance. We can always dump the whole thing. Of course it's a performance. I get tweets every week. Tell me I'm a faggot. Some guy's like, yeah, you're real funny. Jill Stein eats cock, you faggot.

I'm like, all right. Oh, I know. You do anything political. Why am I coming in hot here? I swear to God, my fucking wife dusted this board and touched everybody. You sound good. Blame somebody, right? You sound good in my case.

What were we just saying? I don't know, 9-11. I don't know. I'm in survival mode. I'm throwing it out there. You were talking about dusting. I was talking. I'm so exhausted.

Crop dusting. No, what were we just saying after 9-11? 9-11? I think you just can't say 9-11 anymore. Oh, the political correctness. Yeah. I think you just can't say it's 9-11 anymore. You're right, because my pilot said, you know, it's December 6th.

Too soon? Yeah, we're getting crazy with the word, the whole, the words have become more powerful than people's actions. Right. It's the whole. Even the bit when I try to say it on stage, people are like, ooh. Well, that's because you're in New York. And I'll tell you, the one time you could talk about it was right after it happened.

We did a show at the Comedy Cell. That happened on a Tuesday, right? 9-11 Tuesday, yeah. Two nights later at the Comedy Cell, we did a show for 10 people. 9-11 Tuesday. Two nights later at the comedy cellar, we did a show for 10 people. And I just went on and ranted just pure vitriol, you know, all Muslim stuff. And just, you know, it became part of my one of my albums.

But it was great. There was 10, like 10 people in the audience. And there was still dust on the cars outside, like on McDougalall street from the isn't that crazy and we're doing a show but it was so liberating that there was the one night nobody would you could say whatever you want nobody would flinch you know i mean right but it was uh yeah now we're just getting so hung up on uh well how about the guy for the 49 is alden smith there saying he had a bomb in San Francisco? Oh, I don't know. I say I have a bomb every night.

This was at an airport in San Francisco. Oh, boy. Alden Smith, he's like one of their best defensive linemen. And I think they were going to can him because he's crazy. He's had many incidents, you know. But now they said they're going to option him. That means they're going to keep him, right? I have no idea.

You never know I did a sports show. I can't follow any of the odds. I still know what arbitration is. No idea. No I know. I know what a nickel defense is but I don't know what a fucking

You know what a dime is? Contract. Yeah it's five defensive backs. Six. Which I never understood. Six yeah. Which I never understood

why six equals ten. It doesn't make sense to me. Well yeah. You're taking it to a literal you know. It should be a nickel plus a. Well, yeah. You're taking it to a literal, you know. It should be a nickel plus a penny defense. Throw in the nickel penny defense. The pennies.

What are you, Susie Orman, defensive coordinator? And the other safety has to be a guy with a beard and no mustache. All right. Take it easy, folks. I'll be out of here. It's Lincoln. The penny, Lincoln. A beard with no mustache?

Yeah. Some people are following at home Did he have the Muslim look, Lincoln? Oh boy, I'm going to take a beating for this performance here No, you're not You don't know what your fans are like They're rabid, these people My fans?

Yeah They go after you? Sometimes They go after me, I know what they're like Yeah That's what I was going to say I did a little bit of political stuff a couple weeks ago Yeah

You know, talking about de Blasio Yeah Literally a minute and a half, two minutes And then one guy on Twitter political stuff a couple weeks ago yeah i you know i'm talking about de blasio yeah i literally a minute and a half two minutes and then one guy on twitter hey you fucking asshole if i want to hear right-wing politics bias i'll put on fox tell some jokes you fuck uh it's unbelievable they're gonna tell me what i can do on my own show go fuck yourself whoever you know what next show i'm gonna do about an hour and a half of politics. 90 minutes of right wing shit

to make you crazy, you girl. But you get some enjoyment out of that, though. I block them for a few days and let them back in the club. See, I get freaked out. How about this?

This guy tweets at me two days ago. He writes to me, evidently at some point I went, da-da-da-da-da, AIDS on a podcast. Which, oh,

that's not funny my mother had aids my friends and i've been doing it no i'm sorry that was dandruff my friends and i have been doing it since high school this guy writes o and a episode 104 patrice o'neill that's where you stole your but up up but that aids bit is that right you stole from and i'm like like i'll admit i didn't write butta-buppa-aids. It's not my act. I've never listened to ONA in my life. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I've been doing it for 20 years. I set it as a side. I'm not opening with it. You can't. It's not a bit. But you can't. Look, I sound like Gordon Gekko talking to Bud Fox. You can't get emotional about Twitter.

You know you can't get emotional about stocks? I got to wake up to a guy calling me a thief because I said, I'm like, yeah, you got me. I've been stealing my asides from Patrice O'Neill. And of all the Patrice bits, I decided to take Yeah, well, I mean, you know who you're dealing with. Yeah, real jerks.

By the way, he had eight tweets. That was like 12% of his Twitter. Oh, is that right? Was calling me a thief. That's the beauty of that thing. What's that? That's the beauty of Twitter. Yeah.

It's like having a live wire in your house to the world. You know what I mean? It's like having a live microphone that you can get in trouble for. Yeah. It's funny. You know, when i first started out i had no idea i i went on i came home drunk and did a lot of political shit one night i was angry at everybody and i just started and uh mike baker goes my wife goes what did you what did you

do the other night it was like you weren't you were trending with some fun i go what you know i actually voiced a few of my opinions, you know, God forbid. But just one person mad at me or tweeting at me, it makes me crazy. I can't handle it. Yeah, well, you've got to get over that. I know. I've got to work on it. Did I tell you about...

I'm the same way, though. I'm oversensitive, man. In a club, if I see somebody stare... You know how it is. 300 people in the room, or 14. And I'm rocking the house, and there's one of them not enjoying... There you go. It just seems like they go...

And you'll find that person every time i will yeah you're hypersensitive to it well i'm much better than i was but you're right for sure i've been i've been through a whole ups and downs with you oh you did this is the most even keeled i've ever seen you yeah what do you mean guy oh on stage on stage and off stage yeah i'm getting better with that you know what happens you mellow out at you know you hit your 50s and you wake up, there's a shit in your pants. I can't wait to be 50.

You have a headache and you're tired. You're not gonna... Did I tell you about my controversy I had? I haven't talked to you in a little while. I was walking,

I was in Cincinnati walking in a cemetery. I like to walk in cemeteries. People think it's creepy. In Cincinnati? Just in different places, wherever. Not specifically,

I don't go to Cincinnati to fly. Were you visiting Joe Morgan's Mother's Gray? I don't... Specifically... Oh, wherever. Not specifically, I don't go to Cincinnati to fly. Were you visiting Joe Morgan's mother's grave? I don't specifically. Oh, Mrs. Rose. I don't fly to Cincinnati. Look, wherever I'm at, you know, I like to find an old cemetery.

You look at the stones. They're fun. Boobly boob. Ba-ba-boop. Really? Even in like Cincinnati? Nobody interesting came out of Cincinnati ever. But it's an old town.

It's a Civil War town. Civil War town? Really? Of course. What the fuck went on in Cincinnati? That was right on the line. They got the Underground Railroad Museum. Oh, nobody cares about that. Oh,

it's been even Harriet Tubman's from Cincinnati? I think so. No kidding. Yeah. It's Tub Woman now, though. Oh, Tub? You're right. It is Tub Woman. So, speaking of Tub Woman woman yeah you're still banging that chubby broad uh easy she's right here um so i was walking around the cemetery in ohio and i saw i was with my friend tom dustin who you've met and i see a tombstone it's like 300 years old it just says

baby on it no name just baby was it a rapper to me some of my friends said was it a stripper so ironically it was in the corner by the way uh go ahead what baby it says baby was it the chick from dirty dance so like 300 years ago i think if you had a baby and you killed it didn't even know and you killed it you wouldn't put the name on it you get busted not a single fingerprint on this stone i searched all day so it says baby so i got you know we're comics so i go tom pose with the baby thing and i immediately i posted to instagram facebook i tweet it he's got a big smile he's a cigarette. It's him with his arm around him. And how did this become a controversy? So I'm about to go on stage, and three different people comment,

you fucking asshole. You've gone too far, and that's somebody's child. No, it was somebody's child. Yeah, it was someone's child 300 years ago for like a day. Now it's a skeleton in a diaper. For like a minute and a half, it was somebody's child. So they get all upset And I freak out I have an anxiety attack

I don't want to upset people So I took it down I apologize You better get out of this business And then I get You know Other fans writing I'm offended you took it down

You pussy It was a whole thing Now what do you do? Who do you side with there? Well I just wrote Yeah I wrote this long thing I'm like I'm not that guy

I would have I would have tweeted back Quit being a bunch of dead babies. Right. Well, here's the thing. I like hanging out with comics and being offensive and stuff, but when you get the general public involved,

then people get upset and they're sad. Yeah, and then you get famous. Right. Look at Howard Stern. Good point. People hating him really hurt him, didn't they? Right. It's part of it, but I'm with you, Joe.

You don't like to upset, but... But the dead baby thing, I could... That one's the one where I could... Too soon. Usually... Too soon. Usually when I offend people, I'm like, you're a fucking moron.

That doesn't make sense. You're an idiot. But this one, I'm like, I guess some people lose babies and it's a sign or whatever, but I'm like, I still think it's hilarious, but I don't mean to apologize if I brought up negative memories or whatever. And I'm also in no position to be losing fans i have like 11 of them who who was the comedian

was it um bob hope no it was a dirty it wasn't uncle it wasn't uh it wasn't bob zany somebody from the midwest though was that a club in nebraska and uh there was, he was talking about a plane crash. He was making fun of a plane that happened there. And some guy in the crowd goes, my mom was on that plane. And he goes, oh, let's dig her up and fuck her. And it turns out she really was. He was like a regular at the club. Oh, wow.

They shut like the mic on him and stuff. And the lights would, I forget who the hell it was. Did they dig her up and fuck her or no? I don't know, Joe. That's not... It's insensitive. Uncle... Uncle... What's the guy from the midway? Uncle... Uncle Tom? No, Uncle Tom. Uncle.

Uncle Tom, Uncle Dale. I'm naming my uncles. I don't know. Bobby. But, you know, that must have felt good, huh? Let's dig her up and fuck her. No, he really... he knows his mother. That's brutal. I feel like I wouldn't get offended though.

You gotta get in here. You gotta get in there. I just feel like I wouldn't get offended if somebody, if that was the joke and my mom was actually in the plane.

I'd be like, well, I understand that. Did you not like your mom growing up? No. Well, that's the thing.

That's why I can't understand. I think it's from being a comic, I guess, but why can't you differentiate, whatever that word is why I can't understand. I think it's from being a comic, I guess. But why can't you differentiate, whatever that word is that I can't say. Right. You said it. Like, even if you lost a baby. Well, I had a baby die.

And then you pictured you. Then I'm scrolling through my Facebook and there's a picture of a stone that says baby. Yeah. Does that make you any more sad? That's like my family always talk about this. The day that my grandfather died, the anniversary, everyone's all crying. And I'm like, well, I don't, the anniversary doesn't mean anything to me. I'm sad that he's gone.

Yeah. All the time, here and there. But just because it's that day, I got to fucking cry? You? No. Well, no. If you didn't really know him? No, I knew him well.

What are you talking about? Oh, you did know him well. Yeah, we dated. Well, you aren't sad at all? I'm saying the anniversary eight years later. It's December 22nd. Let's all get sad. I think you should sit shiver for about a week. Put on a nice

black suit and eat some tasteless food. I shiver every night. In the morning, I'm free again. I love you. Well delivered, son. Well delivered. Thank you. Yeah. How about the whole Donald Sterling thing? What's your take on that?

Well, I think, you know, it's terrifying. It's nonsense. Sarah and I were talking. If you recorded our conversations late at night, we live in a hairy neighborhood. You know, it's, I think these guys are probably an asshole. He's probably a piece of shit. I don't know. Of course.

But, yeah, it's scary that you can be punished that badly. Well, for saying something in your own home. To your wife or girlfriend or whatever. And I didn't follow

the story too closely, but she seems like a horrible cunt. He seems like an asshole. Well, yeah. No, they were made for each other. It seems like the country is going down.

She's just as, you know, she grosses me out more than him. But the point is, every time it comes up in conversation, this is the phrase

you always hear. Oh, dude, Get a fucking drink You're like a jerk Sitting on a plane Next to me I'm dying I'm trying to Drink the fuck

I gave you that water Not to rinse your balls in Have a sip I've been drinking My hemoglobin levels are low What do you What do you got pollen problems I don't know

I'm trying to have A racial discussion You're sitting there Like Mums Mabley Coughing up blood But the point is Every time I hear This conversation You can't have a racial discussion. You're sitting there like Mums Mabley, coughing up blood. But the point is, every time I hear this conversation, they keep going. I know.

They keep going. There's still racism, which implies it's white racism. Like it's a monolithic thing. Are you going to tell me black people aren't racist? It never comes up in the conversation. Every time I watch it on TV, I want to jump in and go, yeah, he's an old racist. So is Harry Belafonte. So is Danny Glover.

Spike Lee. Spike Lee's a middle-aged racist. He was at the cellar last night. He watched my act. I think we ought to work together. He probably will. You don't know, dude. I told you he gave me the stink eye when I first moved to New York.

Yeah. I'm walking through the village. Because you were white. No, because I'm Italian. He hates Italians. Oh, wow. I think Italians might have cleaned his clock when he was a kid um you see how he betrayed us and do the right thing you know right and all the right stuff uh but I'm walking through the it's 110 degrees uh like on a summer day in the village I just moved to New York and I'm walking by myself down the sidewalk and here comes a you know big ass SUV and he's in the

passenger side looking out the window we make eye contact and i you know i kind of look out the corner he's look so i look back after the car goes by me he's got his head out still looking at me oh wow it was so creepy it was spike lee you're that insecure you're a zillionaire he's a little shit too he's teeny of course he is a little old a big yep. But I'm just saying it never comes up every time there's a discussion. Well, there's still first of all, the notion that you're going to eradicate every racial thought

that someday it's all going to be not one person. It's the silliest goddamn notion. But it's a nice thought. Keep it going. My buddy John Moses is a real funny comedian. He tweeted or whatever. I'd like to hear a voice recording of the 420 NBA players when what's-his-toes came out of the closet there.

I mean, can you imagine hearing that? Who was the guy? Collins. Collins, yeah. Jason Collins. That's his name, yeah. Yeah. No, I know. It's a game now.

It's just a big game, you know. And how much money? They're going to give him a second, Sterling, his second NAACP award. Yeah, which is a great idea. They've been milking him for money all these years, and now, you know. I think we should go have these on the Clippers. What do you say? You got that kind of dough?

I made 13 grand last year. Okay. That's not net, though. I netted about four. That'll cover towels for chris paul and one quarter um what do you like oh boy this is a hot one hot pod here huh it is boy had arty last week arty lang was down here yeah i love arty my old uh partner and uh thank you guys you listeners out there you blew it up The numbers went through the roof.

My goodness. Not a sweeter man alive than that already went. He's quite a fella. So, yeah, that was a pretty interesting show. And then me and Robert Kelly, last Thursday night, we did Harrah's Atlantic City. Oh, right. How was that? Did Noam come?

He said he was going to come down. Oh, jeez. He did? He said he was coming. Why would he say that? He said he was gonna come down oh jeez he did he said why would you say that he said he was coming he was excited oh he's just lying yeah well if he was there and didn't say hello or anything i'm gonna i'm sure he would have maybe he didn't but it's so funny you build these things up in your mind you get there and it's just you know we went to uh schmick and mccick's or whatever, that steak and seafood joint. We had about 40 oysters apiece. You know, and then just we got down there. It was perfect. It was decent money.

Got down there an hour or two, a couple hours before the show. Well, actually three in the afternoon. They give us these huge sweets. I could have had, you know, an entourage of 100 people. Wow. And we didn't even use them. We do the show and we bolt right after. But there was no meet and greet.

The money was great. Some fat fuck yelling stuff out. We shake hands, right? We run into these two guys in a lobby. And right away, I hate that. That's an omen. I think I said it with Artie on the line. But when you run into somebody who's going to be in the audience and they shake hands,

it breaks that fourth wall. Now they think that they... Friends. Yes. I agree. And he's sitting dead center, like third row, arms crossed. He looked like a big Arab sheik. He had a bald...

He wasn't. He was like, whatever. You know, he might have been Italian or whatever. But it's not yelling shit out. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean? After each joke, trying to be funnier than me.

And I go, dude, shut your fucking mouth. You know, I was nice for about a minute. And I just wasn't in the fucking mood. Right. And then I'm walking towards him after the show. And he pretends not to see me. He kind of looks away. And I'm walking right at him.

You know? And I go, hey, hey. And he just kept looking the other way. And then he turns around and I give him the bird. I just wasn't in the mood. It was a nice show people went drunk people in the late 80s you know it's a it's a it's a casino people like four ladies get up five minutes into my act and walked out oh that's great and i said what is somebody standing on your oxygen line you're very cranky and uh you know but but it was fun. It's fun.

I tried new stuff. And, you know, when you're with somebody that you know on the drive down, Bobby drove. Right. We look up, and we're there in two seconds. It's fun. You guys are neighbors now. I'm so excited.

I was going to say. So we drive home, and, yeah, Bobby's about 10 minutes from me. That's amazing. Yeah. We pull into his driveway. It's 10 minutes from me. That's amazing. Yeah. We pull into his driveway. It's two minutes before midnight. That's how good a gig it was. All right? We're all the way down in AC.

Great money. Get paid more than I did for doing like a week in Tempe. It's two minutes before midnight, and I'm like, yeah, baby. I'll be in my house at 5 or 10 after 12. I pull out. I get on the Sprainbrook Parkway, right? I go about a mile. It's closed. Ugh. They kick us off the Sprainbrook Parkway, right? I go about a mile. It's closed.

Ugh. They kick us off to Sprainbrook or whatever up here. And then I'm, you know, then I'm sitting. I was sitting in traffic bumper to bumper because they're doing construction or something that I didn't know about. In other words, we drove 100 and whatever miles it is from Atlantic City. Right. It was just making me nuts.

But yeah, he lives right here. I just had the Saturday. I did a gig up in Boston for my uncle's fire department and I was going to leave Saturday afternoon, but the Bruins played 1230. So I call these other two guys that I'm bringing from New York and I'm like, I'm real sorry. We got to leave Friday night. I got to see the Bruins game. It's a whole thing.

They're understanding. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you left Friday night so you could watch the game? Yeah. Saturday? After spot. So we leave at 2 in the morning. Friday night, Saturday morning.

Because of the Bruins game? Yeah. So we can get there. I'm like, you guys. You're not playing. I can't miss the game, you know. So we leave. It's like 2 in the morning.

I'm like, this will be good. We'll fly. We'll be up there by 530. Immediately in the Bronx, same thing. Highways just shut down by Yankee Stadium. At 2 in the morning? Yes. Right.

You can't get from Boston to New York without hitting traffic. Boston to New down by Yankee Stadium. At 2 in the morning? Yes. Right. You can't get from Boston to New York without hitting traffic. Boston to New York? It's insane. From here to New York? It's insane. So we're just sitting there, like, immediately at 2 in the morning, and we're doing the thing where, like, we'll slap each other in the face, we'll jerk each other off to stay awake, we'll roll the windows down.

That might cause traffic if somebody saw that. And then immediately we're just stuck in traffic. So we had to blow each other earlier than we thought. And the Bruins came back and scored four goals in six minutes. Now, Sarah, how do you feel about your boyfriend blowing? I said bro-ing. How do you feel? Blowing comedian friend.

I love it. Oh, you like that? She's into it. I blow a comedian every night. Do you? In the morning I'm free. Apparently you're blowing the wrong ones. Yeah, well.

Wait a minute. Now, last time you were here, you weren't coughing. What were you doing that was irritating me? Farting. Farting and something else. I don't know. I haven't eaten since the Johnson administration, so I'm not going to be farting today. Oof.

Oh, boy. The Johnson administration. That's an old school method. No one uses administration jokes anymore. I haven't seen this many people Since the Clinton administration I say the Obama regime Ooh, that's insensitive The hell else

What about the Bush tyrancy? Can we talk hockey? There's only like eight people in the planet That I can talk hockey to Is the whole audience going to bolt? What do you think, this is live? They don't have to bolt. They can throw it away.

They can hit delete. If they don't like hockey, and I'll say it again, and they're going to get tired of saying it, you can take March Madness and stick it up my left ass cheek. Okay? I watched three,

this first round of the NHL's games was more exciting than the last five March Madness combined. I'm slurring because, again, I slept about two hours last night. By the way, I've got to be up for jury duty tomorrow. In White Plains, I have to be in the courtroom at 8.30. Okay? When I'm not feeling that good the last two days, I've got like a slight flu, I can sleep until noon. Well, I'll find out whether I'm on the jury or not. So I'm going to wear a wife beater.

You know, a pair of cargo shorts. With your Bruins jersey. Yeah, exactly. No, a picture of Subban with a knife in his forehead. That might get me on a jury duty. Is there better casting than having the villain in a series of the Canadian Beaver Black Guy in Boston? I know. And I love that play about

I would kill to have him. We have his brother. He's a goalie. I know, but it's still something. I know. But Savan is a... He kills us. Tremendous play. He kills us.

And by the way, the booing is not about the Rays. They've been booing them since... Yeah. The same way they boo, you know who, Chara. They're not booing. They're chanting Jigaboo.

Oh, my God. Oh, come on. That's the wrong show for that. Am I going to get tweeted at? That was a perfect joke. Is that your biggest worry? It is. It really is.

That and my car fucking dismantling because it's making weird noises on the ride up here. So, let's stick to hockey for a minute. I'm sorry. You're all over the place. What did you have, two fucking cappuccinos? I brought up hockey and you went into jury duty. I thought we were going jury duty. I went back to hockey, man.

He's yelling at me on my own show. You wonder why you're not getting invited anywhere other than Rob Kelly's house. Jesus H. Christ.

I'm not yelling. He's dressed like, first of all, you should see Joe. He's dressed like a fifth grader on a field trip. And he's coughing. This is irritating.

What did you do? Blow a llama on the way up here? Spit the shit out. I've had a sinus infection for a month. Good. That's great. Spit did you do? Blow a llama on the way up here? Spit the shit out. I've had a sinus infection for a month. Good. That's great. Spit into that mic so my next three guests can come down with jaundice. We are vacationing in fucking Nigeria.

Joe's coming up. We're going to talk about MERS next week. I'll have an open sore in his forehead. The width of a pancake. Mother of Christ. This is the show. Anyways, the Bruins. And then my mother. I got phlegm. I was at the, I left the window open in the tent. I'm coming down. I did some robot testing. I know, you know, the shit's going around. Oh my God. That was

it. I cleared it. You want to let Sarah talk for a while? I cleared it. While you sit there and clay your nine-year-old lungs? I cleared it just now. I'm good. You're like an 80-year-old Denny's waitress. Three-pack-a-day habit. Where's my inhaler? She got great legs. Great stems on this gal. Really does. Yeah.

Personality is not so great. I like her personality. I like she doesn't spoken to. Jesus. I was only kidding. I am too. I just said the most sexist thing and you missed it. I was only kidding.

Well, I felt weird. So, yes, the playoffs. What are you mad? Joey. Oh, yes. She loves you. Playoffs. I can tell by the way she's looking at you.

Oh, my God. You and I both feared Le Habitant. I think Montreal is the toughest team they're going to face in the East. I think they're going to lose another game in Montreal. You and I both feared the Canadians. Yeah. And the Rangers is scrappy. The Rangers is going to beat the Penguins because Andre Fleury is a cream puff,

even though he just shut him out yesterday. He's playing good tonight. I watched the first two periods. Yeah, no, right now there's a game happening that's already happened, so we don't know. I watched half of it. I'm recording the rest. All right.

What was the score? Do you want me to tell you? Oh, you're not recording? I'm not recording. I'm just gay. Oh, that's right. You live in a lean-to in Brooklyn. It was 2-0, Pengs.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Crosby scored his first after 14 playoff games. Yeah, but he's got a bunch of assists, and he's a beast. I know. He's unbelievable. He's a beast. He sets everybody up, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's a real player. So you get that game. Again, it's so exciting. Every game I've put on, there's been 20? 20, yeah. Two real player. So you get that game. Again, it's so exciting. Every game I've put on, there's been 20. 20, yeah. Two goal leads, teams have blown. That might, folks, if you guys aren't hockey fans, it's unbelievable. It's insane.

But I think the Bruins are going to win. I think the Rangers are going to win and the Bruins are going to just roll right through the Rangers and then I think it's going to be Anaheim or Chicago. I think you're confident we're going to beat the Canadiens? I think the Canadiens will win game four. In how many games?

I think in six. I think the Canadiens will win one in Montreal. The Bruins are that good that, you know, they just imposed their, first of all, the Canadiens were lucky to win that first game. I agree. This team, this Bruins team, I've been watching for 25 years. They are the most dominant I've seen in a long time. This team, I think they're going to win every game. I've never had that before. a long time. This team, I think they're going to win every game.

I've never had that before. Every game, I'm like, I think they're going to win this game. They are that good. Yeah. Even without Seidenberg. But those teams in the West scare me, and Chicago's hot. I don't. And they hopefully beat each other all up.

They don't scare me. No? Chicago struggled with St. Louis, who I know they were decent this year. They don't. It's funny. I'm watching the Kings. They're fast, the Kings and the Sharks. I put that game on.

I'm really not interested, right? That series was great. I put that on the other night. Kings are down by a goal. They pull their goalie. When you and I were kids, well, we're kids of different eras. Yeah, we're 20 years apart. No, exactly.

But when I was a kid, when they would pull the goalie, it would never work. Right. The other team would score on the empty net like nine out of ten times. Right. Now it's the other way around. Right. It's the team with the extra skater always pulls it out. Yeah, yeah.

And the Kings, seven seconds left the other night, they score. Yeah, it was unbelievable. And then win in overtime. Yeah. I mean, it's just, you know, I try, I flip over to watch hoops. I go into a coma We've talked about this before for years You can't flip back and forth with other sports

Because you want 500 things happen and then you flip back and forth And it's the whistle and the reviewing Even baseball is one pitch Even the socks I flip to the socks I'm like this is boring Well I know I'm having trouble this year Holy Christ

I'm changing the name of the title of the show There you go I'm having trouble this year. Holy Christ. I'm changing the name of the title of the show. There you go. All right, I'm back. I'm changing it from Cinco de Mayo to tuberculosis. You might have a spot on your lung. I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Are you?

Well, you never know. You sound like Brian Piccolo after he ran an off tackle. Remember how the pollen got to him? Maybe I have throat cancer. You never know these days. Why would you have throat cancer? No, you know, it's cunnilingus. Oh, that's right.

Well, good for you if you're going to get it. If you're going to get it, die with your boots on, I say. Some things are worth dying for, as they say. Yeah, what else in the hockey realm? Yes, okay, so bees and who i think i think it's gonna be the bees and i i think anaheim but i don't know i mean chicago heats up and then the kings could beat anna wait a minute who's playing anaheim right now los angeles the battle of la yeah and and chicago's playing chicago is playing minnesota but that's they got that

enough goalie. Minnesota's going to win one in Minnesota. All right, you're right. I'm sorry. No, you're right. But the Hoops, look, and I know Hoop fans are going to go, what are you talking about? There were three game sevens in the first round.

Yeah, well, there was like 19 overtime games in hockey. The NBA playoffs have been amazing. Amazing, absolutely. One series went four games in a row overtimes. I like it this year because it's not exciting to me unless Donald Sterling says something. But no, they have been. Who hit that shot? The three-pointer?

Was that guy from Portland? From Portland? Yes. What a bomb that was. That was unbelievable. 0.9 seconds left. Not just to win the game, but to win the series. Yeah, game seven. Crazy. Unbelievable. Good stuff, but really no comparison. What else?

Sarah, what have you been up to? Sarah's a comedian, too. Get in there. What are you doing? Get in there, Sarah. Get in there. This is big time. No, you got to get right on that mic.

Seriously. Get in there. You got to get right on it. Not much. No? No. Where do you work? I don't.

I temp, and then I bartend. That's the work I do. Yeah, we don't really work in our house. Yeah. Where do you live now, Joe? I live in Astoria. Same place. You've slept there.

Yeah, but she doesn't sleep. She lives two blocks away. Oh. It's like we have a giant apartment. Why wouldn't you stay at her place? I stay there every night. I was going to say, because you have 11 people making sneakers in your kitchen. Yeah, I got...

From Guana. Is that a time? So many people. I got five roommates, whatever, you know. So I stay at her house every night, and then I shit and shower at my house. That's the rule. Yeah, no shitting. They were on a toilet paper half the time anyways.

That got weird. My roommate is helping me out. I told you I lost my suitcase. I left it in the back of a cab. How do you lose a suitcase, Joe? Here's what happened. I get in the cab. You know, I'm waiting in line.

I get back from Cincinnati, and I put... By the way, I don't mean to interrupt you. How'd it go in Cincinnati? You were recording a CD that the public anxiously awaits. I failed at recording my CD. Why? Well, Friday night, first show, was when the baby controversy happened. So I was all fucked up in my head, and I fucked up like three jokes.

Oh, no, you didn't let that ruin your weekend, did you? I let it ruin the one show. A dead baby in Cincinnati? Who cares? I know, but I'm very sensitive. It's not like an adult in Pittsburgh. Go ahead. I'm very sensitive, whatever the right word is.

Yeah, you're very sensitive. You did a dead baby joke. Well, and then I have like a six minute dead baby chunk in my act as well So, it might be the cover of the album, actually Anyway, so then Friday late show was okay And then Saturday late show I texted you about this one The lady, okay, the lady right up front

She comes out, I go up They do the whole thing They're recording an album So everyone keep quiet I walk out One minute into my act, some woman goes, my husband ran the Boston Marathon. And then her phone

goes off ten minutes later. So I'm just enraged the whole show. And the shows were all good. But I need my album to be great. I got nothing going on in my career other than this podcast. I'm peaking right now as I speak. Sweeten it. I could sweeten it, I guess,

but I'd like to be sincere. No, just do it again. Who cares? I'll do it again. That's what I'm saying. It's not like you had a crew of 31 there and you're putting them

up in a hotel. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to record it somewhere. I just don't know where. Boy, I told you. Go Bananas. I've only had one bad weekend

at any club in 26 years and that was the joint. They didn't get me. At Go Bananas? Yes. They didn't get me. At Go Bananas? Yes. They didn't get my sarcasm. It was the weirdest thing. There was a lot.

I didn't die, but it was like. They thought you were just serious. I don't know what it was. Yeah, I swear to God. I was sweating bullets. I was killing the last half hour. I did all my dirty stuff and kid stuff, like the last 30 minutes. Yeah, you don't want that on the album.

But up front, it was up front, it was tough sledding. There was a lot of my socket, my anxiety stuff. Well, out of all the states, I just, Cleveland's hit or miss for me. Come on. Well, Cincinnati's like Kentucky, basically. It's in the same. Well, no, you're exactly right.

And you know. And then we're recording their albums, though? A lot of people record there. They do? I also, it was like the spring. Carlin? Springsteen? Who did an album there?

Spring sprung that weekend, too. So the crowds were light. I'm not exactly a big draw. I drew six people, came all weekend. So not bad. One guy listens to your pod. He listened to it. That's how he found me.

Is that right? Yeah. He's like, I, that's how he found me. Is that right? Yeah. He's like, I found you from Nick DiPaolo. I mentioned the podcast in Tempe, and I get a nice round of applause from the back of the room. I told you, this thing is... It's kind of cool. It's big.

It is big. Yeah, people listen to podcasts. They do. Too bad it's all going to go away if Corolla loses this lawsuit. What do you mean? You ain't up on it? No, I don't follow anything other than hockey. Some guy supposedly

patented podcasting. Some guy who works for Personal Audio, is it called, or something? I don't know. But it started with cassettes and the definition of podcasting is releasing a pre-recording on the internet in a sequence or whatever.

He did it first with cassettes or something. I don't know all the details but um he's going after i'd throw it out he's going after carol yeah that's crazy and you can't do that just seems like bullshit that you're just claiming you're just calling it it's like i don't know it's like not like shotgun well it's a patent though but you feel you pay fill out a paper saying that you came up with it. Well, that's the whole argument, I guess. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm having fun with it.

I hope Adam wins. Oh, I think it's great. I think podcasts are great. From everything I'm reading, they're saying the guy doesn't really have a chance of winning, but you don't know. Who knows? Oh, boy. You know? This is all I have, my podcast.

I invented the trampolineoline and i don't get any royalties from it that's true i remember that day well can't they just call it something else if it's just like well it's not just the name it's the idea and the you know that's i guess that's the whole argument you know but if let's say let's say corolla lost that and that guy won that means netflix all that shit would have to go away oh wow he could just because it's pre-recorded stuff that goes on to the end maybe we could go back to the old system according to the world it just seems like he will just be you know well with pre-recorded stuff yeah entertainment yeah yeah yeah but um so uh yeah let's hope Adam comes through on that one.

Who knew? I have a podcast. My home podcast is relying on this guy. Oh, that would be so funny if they lost. Just to see the look on your face. I would just laugh my balls off. I finally got 100 fans here, and it'll all go away. And I hear somebody's suing Twitter.

That might go away, too. Oh, really? No. I'm kidding. Well, Twitter's fine. I'm way behind on Twitter, that might go away too. No. Oh, really? No. I'm kidding. Well, Twitter's fine. I'm way behind on Twitter. So the sex life, kids. Let's talk about it.

Oh, boy, it is. Sarah, how old are you? Hot and heavy. I am. Oh, boy. This is a sensitive subject. Why? 36.

You're not 36, are you? Yeah, I just turned it. I tried to tell her she looks young, right? She does. I tell her every day. I was guessing 34 and a half. She thinks she looks like she's 106 she looks like she's 27 maybe a real problem 27 see 26 27 if you look closer though uh i'd

like to but i don't think that's legal joe how old are you i'm 30 i just turned 32 we have similar birthdays you have similar birthday both aries is Arieses. Yeah, April birthdays. April birthdays? That's terrific. Yeah. It was great. So, well, you know. How long have you been going out with each other? Almost three years. Is it three?

Yeah, it's crazy. Wow. Quite a while. I remember it was like yesterday. So you have how much sex a week? I'm married. We have sex pretty frequently. I think it's four or five times a week I'm talking. But I'm on the road a lot.

I'm not on the road. All day. Three years in, that's pretty good. I know it's good. You're keeping it fresh. Yeah. What do you do? I remember every other relationship, six months in, there was no more sex.

I think I'm getting better. I keep my glasses on now. That's key. You keep your glasses on when you have sex? I don't know. It's like being banged by a welder. Is that how it is, Sarah? He looks just like a welder. Is that how it is, Sarah? He looks just like a welder.

Yeah, but where'd you meet? We met from comedy. She's a comedian. We knew each other for years. Yeah, but where? Boston or here? We met here. In New York.

She's from Houston. What brought you to New York? Comedy. Well, you both say that like you're household names. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. Okay. You moved. You could, you know, you both say that like your household names. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. Okay. You moved.

You could, you know, you could. Trying to make it. What do you want? Houston's a horrible city, isn't it? I like it comedy wise. I mean, the fans are great. People shit on it, but I love it. Is Houston a good time?

Oh, I've been there when the humidity is 6,000%. Yeah, that part. But I guess with your comedy, you just get used to it. Do you have a learning disability? No, I think so. I was talking about that today. I think I just self-diagnosed ADD or something. But what made you pick up from Houston?

I mean, you were doing comedy in Houston? Yeah, I was doing it. For how long before you moved to New York? Oh, about eight years at the loft stop. I remember you would stop by there. And you're not getting, you're not working the clubs in the city? Slowly. I just did Caroline's March Madness.

Oh. And I got in the final four. So you're playing hoops? Okay. Yeah. I'm playing basketball. Did you really? Yeah, yeah.

You're probably funny. Are you like deadpan delivery? What do you think? I wouldn't date an unfunny person? You wouldn't know funny unfunny person you wouldn't know funny bitch in the clit joe do a set do a five minute set come on do it for nick wait no give me one of your jokes oh yeah you want me to do your joke no no i want her to do it request one though joe which one do you well you know uh this is awkward this is brutal you can't

just make a person do their act here i I said one joke, you cocksucker. It's my show. All right, you do a joke. Let's see. This is dead air here. Come on. Throw it up there. Dead air.

He really thinks we're live at Gotham or something. Let's cut it out. I don't have a joke. I have a new one. Well, a bit. You know what I mean. A bit. I'll just kind of explain it.

All right. So I just turned 36, and I feel like one of the nice things about being middle age or in your 30s as a woman is I can just finally let go of that fear of being sold into sex trafficking. So I can finally go to Europe. That's it. That's basically the joke That's a bit

I like it I like it Sarah's great And she's way funnier Than all these dumb cunts That are getting deals But it's hard Language on John Ten Hag

I know But what can you do It's a tough Tough biz But yeah She's got killer stuff I'm so sad Well I'm saying

She's funnier Than all the other people What do you want You see You sounded like a You sounded like a Connected agent Like a mobster I'm so sad. Well, I'm saying she's funnier than all the other people. What do you want? You sounded like a connected agent, like a mobster. Yeah, she's funny, all the other people. It's a tough business. What are you going to do?

Is she not getting stage time? She does some temp work. They don't know funny. Sarah's a great comic and also a great sketch writer and actress, too. All those things. Joe, let's talk. I'm like your pitch man here. Yeah. I get 15%. Now, Joe, let's talk. I'm like your pitch man here. Yeah. Yeah.

I get 15%. Now, Joe, tell us about your podcast problems. Oh, I can't talk about that right now. Joe has a podcast. No, come on. We're going to be negotiating tomorrow. Happy Thursdays with Kenny. It's called Tuesdays with Stories.

Tuesdays with Stories. And it's on iTunes. And some of you people are listening and then please keep listening, but there's no problems whatsoever. Oh, okay. No problem. Because you're telling me you're getting the shaft keep listening. But there's no problems whatsoever. Oh, okay. No problem. Because you were telling me you were getting the shaft over there.

We can't talk about this. I know. I'm busting balls. But I'd love to plug the podcast if you'd come listen to it. Tuesdays with Stories. It's similar to this podcast. We're just kind of bullshitting and telling stories and whatnot. And it's a hell of a listen.

So Tuesdays with Stories, iTunes. Check it out. Me and my friend Mark Norman. Where do you do that podcast? We do it at Stand Up New York. Are they the ones giving you a hard time, a little money? It's a fun comedy club. And yeah, so check it out.

It is a good club. A guy named Benji runs it. Yeah, that's right. He only books it. Matter of fact, excuse me, runs and books, two different things. What are you, fucking tripping? I'm doing the, you know, labs. Yeah, stand-up labs.

Stand-up labs. I'm doing that every Tuesday. You're kidding. Every Tuesday this month. My pocket comes out every Tuesday. You see, I told you it's a great room. Well, he's going to throw a couple of people. I said I only need 25 to 30 minutes.

Folks, it's above Stand-Up New york which is 78th and broadway yes it's a workout space it's like it literally holds uh 35 30 people or whatever people and you go up there and and i mean it's a place to bomb you go up there with your pet and just have this is how you get work done but uh if you're around every tuesday uh in may i'll be up there and every wednesday i'm doing the stand oh no kidding yeah you gotta get me on some of these shows what are you doing what are you telling me you're working more clubs than me in the city I don't go in the city that much I need a place to bomb quietly

this is how I get new stuff done right I'm working in some good chunks I got a whole chunk about meth I love that chunk and how it's coming around nicely you know I think I don't do drugs, but that's the one I do because I was good in chemistry.

I'm a pretty good cook and I would love the teeth of a 30-year-old squirrel. But no, it's coming around. Here's what I do, Joe. Here's my MO now. I'll do a set somewhere or whatever, Tempe, you know, record. You always record, folks.

I would tell young comics, I'm working with this kid in Tempe, very funny, Charlie Speezy, I think his name. He was the emcee, and he's funny, and he asked me, I said, yeah, you've got to record every show and listen to it. And he was, like, kind of surprised. If you're a young comic, I mean. I remember Tel saying that to me years ago.

I was like, you record every set? And he was like, you don't? And I was like, oh, Jesus, I've got to start recording. Yeah. And so what I, you record every set? And he was like, you don't? And I was like, oh Jesus, I gotta start recording. Yeah. And so what I do now, like I come home from taping,

you know, because I'm old and my knees hurt now, I go on six mile walks instead of actually working out, but I put my headphones on. You're gonna, I'm gonna get hit by a truck

and they're gonna find me on Route 138. Listen to yourself. Yeah, listen to myself. Exactly. Headphones and just dead silence. Hear me cursing at a lady in the audience.

He's still alive. Oh, no, wait, no. He's still alive and he's killing. But that's what I do. I'll go on like an hour and a half, a 90-minute walk, and I'll listen to, you know, almost two full sets. Right. And you make mental notes while you're walking around.

And it's like a good habit I've got into. And, you know. Yeah, it's key. Gary Gullman said the hardest part of writing is starting writing. So if you start listening to a set, you're immediately, you're already writing. It's true. I mean, it'll trigger stuff. Even your old stuff might trigger an idea.

I agree. But Gullman, he's an animal. He goes to the library and writes. He is a fucking beast. I think Gary Gullman, he's an animal. He goes to the library and writes. He is a fucking beast. I think Gary Gallman is a beast, and I think should be in the conversation of the best comics working. I don't think he gets brought up enough. He will be.

And, man, he is a real killer. I think he's a great guy. I said I think he should be doing, well, it's funny. I go, man, you've got a good look for film. You should be reading for films and stuff. And then I see him on Seth Meyersyers and they plugged him being in a movie. That movie. He's like a good looking guy.

He could play a psycho or he could play a buttoned up lawyer. I mean, and he's really funny. I like him. That movie he's doing. I was his screen partner for his audition. We shot it together. That means you're famous too, Joe. No, I'm just saying I fucking was there.

That's really insensitive, Nick. You know, I'm trying to Well you used the word Jigaboo on my That was horrible I thought You were saying that Being facetious I hope right

It was a joke I'm saying they're not booing Oh Oh I didn't hear that part of it Oh boy Alright so you were his Let me get this right You were Gary Gorman's

I read the lines with him You know Cause it was a submission A video submission And I was the other guy So I was there I because it was a submission, a video submission, and I was the other guy. So I was there. I was behind the scenes.

So you're taking credit for him getting the role? No, I'm not taking credit. I'm talking about, you know, I'm talking about pleasure cruising, a gay sailing, talking about working for a living, talking about shocking. Whenever I get in trouble, I just throw a movie line up from 1941. I know. You do it well. You weave them in.

That's my thing. You weave them in. Joe's favorite movie of all time is backdraft no that's not true that's number one he said i said it's i said it's an underrated movie and i stand by that it's a terrific movie you really did grow up in whitman didn't you it's a great movie you got the fucking artistic taste of a soccer mom from fucking bakersfield. What are you talking about? Goodfellas, Jaws, Casino. All those movies. Yeah. Dog Day Afternoon is one of my favorites.

Fuck the snow. One of the all-time funniest lines ever. I love it. Hey, check my schedule. I'll check it out. I got no word. My calendar is open. That's what I'm saying.

I don't know. Look, I know you closed a few rooms here and there, but you still need dough. I told you. I'll check it out. I got no word. My calendar's open. That's what I'm saying. I don't know. Look, I know you closed a few rooms here and there, but you still need dough. I need some dough. And this is another lesson, folks, comedy-wise. If you're headlining somewhere, you like to know who's going on in front of you. Over the years, you get surprises. They throw a local guy on. He's doing the best of everybody else.

You know what I mean? Or he's doing dick jokes. Or their pants are off. Yeah. Did you what I mean? Or he's doing dick jokes or... Are their pants are off? Yeah. Did you have that one? No. Who was that? I don't remember.

I don't think I had... It's that girl that took her pants off. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was in Hartford. Yeah, a girl took her pants off. What do you mean? The feature eye? No, the MC.

She removed her pants. Was she good looking? I can't remember. Huh? In the face. Yeah. I can't remember. In the face yeah I can't remember in the face

yeah she took her pants off one time I had a magician opening for me and he's murdering and the club owner he's like you think you can follow this

like real sarcastic and I was like I don't know he's doing magic I don't do magic I just stand there so it's hard yeah

so yeah so I like you know Joe Feach is for me and kills the crowd gets a better show and um so i check my schedule because i'm not going to call you every day and say hey yeah yeah just check go and tell me which ones uh you can do but do you have representation i have

an agent now we'll have them call the clubs right you. You know what I mean? And ask what the deal is. Because they're not going to pay you for airfare and stuff. Right, right. Unless you book now. Right. Two years in advance. That's where it's tough. It's hard on a player.

Sell weed during the day. Yeah. Or temp. Be a temporary Coke dealer. I'm doing all right. Huh? I'm doing all right. I'm getting by.

Well, you just cried in poverty two seconds ago. Well. I'm getting by. Well, you just cried in poverty two seconds ago. Well, I'm not saying, you know, I'm getting by. Well, I can tell. What's the car you drove up here? It's a 2002 Dodge Neon that belonged to my dead grandfather. My dead grandfather who shit his pants and cut his own hair. Shit his pants and cut it. Is that on?

Do you do that on stage? I've tried it a million times. It's funny? Well, then give me it. I'm going to work on it. I'll tried it a million times. It's funny? Well, then give me it. I'm going to work on it. I'll turn it into a mask. That was the funniest thing you ever said to me. You said it to me dead serious.

My grandfather used to shit his pants and cut his own hair. And you said it with a straight face. And I almost fainted. I laughed so hard. You and Quinn both. Not to name drop here. You and Quinn both. Every time one of you goes, that's a fucking.

You're talking Martha Quinn, by the way, not Colin. You go, that's a fucking bit. I talking Martha Quinn, by the way, not Colin. You go, that's a fucking bit. I'll do it. Quinn is actually worse than you. But he'll go, that's a fucking bit. If you're not doing that on stage, you're a fucking asshole. And I'll do it. I don't say that to you ever.

I just said it now. I'll do it. It gets zero. And I've had this happen like four different times where it bombs so bad. And I'm like, Colin Quinn told me to do that. Then you're blaming it on Quinn. It gets nothing. Zero.

It's like he's the worst judge of what a comic says oh yeah that's a bit no that's a bit and i'm like i said it like that he's like could you say he's the worst judge of that or you can't deliver the shit maybe i can't deliver something funny i love how you blame one of the best joke writers ever you know what i'm saying you get it. I gave a bit to Quinn. What the hell was it? Oh, when you're telling somebody something very, that happened traumatic, something very personal to you,

right in the middle of it, they go, hold that thought. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I was molested when I was six years old. I was, you know, fucked up. Hold that thought. I have been for 20 years. That's why I am what I years old. I was, you know, fucked. Hold that thought. I have been for 20 years. That's why I am what I am today. A cross-dressing window washer.

I love that. I did that at the cellar and Quinn said he loved it so much. Or I told him on the phone or whatever. And said, you can have it. Oh, that's great. As a tribute. Now I feel guilty. Now someone's going to tweet at him.

The list was shitting on you. It's a whole thing. Oh, yeah. I'm going to. No need to badmouth him, Joe. It's going to be horrible. I'm going to call him on the ride home you really i get his number you really are self-conscious of course i hate myself how's the uh the uh warrior thing going what is it ultimate warrior ultimate warrior not warrior warrior i'm glad you brought it up because our first episode had

about 1900 views and now we're down to about 31. Let's just tape it up. All these people I meet, they're like, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen. You're like, did you watch the new one? They're like, no, I watched the one episode with Ted Alexandro. It's on my website, ComedianJoeList.com, or go to YouTube, Ultimate Warrior, W-O-R-R-I-E-R. And we released it, and then the Ultimate Warrior died like eight hours afterwards. I know. It's crazy.

It's like your thing with Billy Mays. Billy Mays. I killed Billy Mays. Yeah. Not to be confused with Willie Mays Hayes. Yeah, and I didn't kill him. Major League, which is one of the best movies of all time. Major League, by the way. Major League? I'm serious. Yeah, it's a good movie. It's great. I do. But yeah, check out

Ultimate Warrior. Check out my website. Could you do something to bring in money, folks? If you're listening to this, I'm dying out here. Buy my album. Listen out my website. Could you do something to bring in money, folks? If you're listening to this, I'm dying out here. Buy my album. Listen to my podcast. Just keep plugging. You gotta do fine. Just email me money. You're in New York City. Now all these shows are here. And so... This morning

we got Lucky Charms and Fruit Loops and a thing of milk and it was $17. $17. Two boxes of cereal and milk. It was a 40-gallon it was $17. $17. Two boxes of cereal and milk. What was it, a 40-gallon jug? $17. It was a quart.

$17 for cereal, milk, and what else? Two boxes of cereal and a... And a bag of weed. And a quart of milk. Lucky Charms Fruit Loops milk. Yeah, well, Obama's got everything under control. Wow, it really is. No, everything's up. Isn't that great? Absolutely, man. It's comical to control. I don't know. Wow. It really is. No, everything's up.

Absolutely, man. It's comical to me. Yeah. Yeah. It's outrageous. Sarah had an idea for a video where she does New York City on 20 bucks a day. But then I spent $110. Yeah.

She gets to the train. The train's not running. She just takes a cab into Midtown for 18 bucks. That sounds pretty good, actually. Yeah. Sarah's got great videos. Yeah, I don't know. I'll check out the website.

Check out the site. Let's get on the road together, buddy. Absolutely, man. It's the happiest I ever am. Even if I net 30 bucks, it's still a great time. I know. We have a blast. You've got to have somebody you relate to.

The road. Even Tempe, which is a great club. They treated me great. Put me up in one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed in. And 26 years of doing this at 28 or 34. 75, 18, hike. I mean, a gorgeous hotel. And just a good gig.

And I felt like I was there for a month. I wake up early. I can't get back to sleep. The days are so long. What am I? It's a, you know, go out and run. It's 110. Have can't get back to sleep. The days are so long. What am I going to do? Go out and run. It's 110. I have melanomas all over my face.

How about the time they put us at the Ritz in D.C.? Yes. That was a classic. That was the best. That might have been the nicest. I saved my key from that. It was unbelievable. Did you really?

Yeah. See, this is the difference between... He saved his key, and I stole all the stuff from the bathroom, the coffee maker. But no, it was attached to a mall in D.C. right near the Pentagon across from the Pentagon it was a Ritz Carlton unbelievable

it was Christmas time too they had the tree and the lava awesome awesome type of thing you'd like to bring it's the type of gig

you'd bring a broad to yeah I thought it was weird that they made us stay in the same room with bunk beds but other than that I didn't mind

looking at your stinky brown goopy eye listen Carlton has a bunk bed. Do I have a goofy eye? No, I'm talking about your asshole. It was a joke. Holy moly.

But yeah, the road is just, it's not for me anymore. It was, again, when I was single and chasing ass. Yeah, there's no place to raise a family. No place, that's right. What's the rest of that song? I don't know. Open Arms. So, yeah, I don't...

I got a couple more, though. I'm going to Chicago later in the year, September. Maybe we can catch a Cubs game. Let's go to Chicago. I love Chicago. Okay, I'm telling you. Go to my site, nickdip.com. Look at the dates. Call me. Tell me which ones you want to do. I'll check it out. And book the stuff, the flights. Now, if you want to save money. Right. I love Chicago.

Or hitchhike out there. I would suck that city's dick. What a great city. What else? Where else am I going? In June, the improv. I'm not giving out specific dates, folks. It's at nickdip.com. But in June, I'm at the improv in Fort Lauderdale, which is the hard rock.

Oh, right. You might want to go down there. I stayed in Ann in the Cauldron when she bit it. Like a week after she... It was great. I was looking around for puke and blood. She bit it there? Didn't she?

Or was it the Howard Johnsons in Denver? I don't know. No, yeah, it was... No, it was. It was the Hard Rock Casino in Fort Lauderdale, I do believe. That's what they told me. I requested the room. Wow.

I said, does it smell like dead tit sweat? Anyways, kids, that's it Joey thank you Sarah too for making the effort to come all the way up here yeah it was fun the whole time I'm talking to you guys I'm preoccupied thinking about me getting up tomorrow at 7 so I can leave her at 7.30 White Plains is not

far from me but they give you directions for parking and shit don't you have to pay for parking yes you have to pay and the? Yes, you have to pay. And the whole world, you know, everybody who has a morning job downtown White Plains, I'm going to be circling the block and I'm going to have the shits. I can see it coming a mile away. Doesn't it sometimes make you grateful when you're forced to do a thing in the morning

that you have to drive to that you didn't have to do that your whole life? Sometimes I have that. Yeah, no, absolutely, Joe. That's a good point. I have to take the train at 8 in the morning for whatever reason. I'm like, thank God. But I have that. Yeah, no, absolutely, Joe. That's a good point. I have to take the train at eight in the morning for whatever reason and I'm like, God, thank God I'm afforded it.

But I did that. I did that stuff when I first got out of college. I had a few of those. Put on the suit and get on the subway like a stiff. I was like Charlie Sheen.

Right. But yeah, I know what you're saying and I don't even know that I'm going to be on jury duty. You know, when you get there,

you get to fill out paperwork, right? I got a good feeling you're not going to be on there. Yeah You know, when you get there, you've got to fill out paperwork, right? I've got a good feeling you're not going to be on there. Yeah, me too. Why is that? They know, right? They know. They can tell. I'd sniff you out from a mile away, this guy.

We don't want him on the case. Why? You're tough. You're handsome. You look like you have money. That's what they want. No, they want. 12 Angry Men.

You ever see the movie? I love that movie. What are you kidding? It's one of the most Underrated movies of all time Better than Backdraft That's what I'm saying So the anger's not an issue Well I don't know

But I am going to the Wife beater and cargo shorts And who farted hat And a pair of sandals And uh I'm gonna go look I'm a I told Bobby Kelly

And he goes They're not gonna want you on Somebody's gonna know Who you are And or whatever And they're gonna know That you have Twitter followers. Somebody's going to know who you are and, and, or whatever. And they're going to know that you have Twitter followers. And that's a good point. I'm hoping.

Yeah. So the alarm's going off at seven 10 tomorrow. Oh God. No, it's, it's really, and I've been sleeping like today, last night, not so much, but the last, you know, I complain about my sleep lately. It's been good. Oh, I've been sleeping right through because I've been kind of sick, kind of a mild flu-ish.

Right. And tomorrow's just, but you're right, Joe. It makes you grateful. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because everybody, every day, my family gets up and does this. My father, 45 minutes of traffic each way, every day. Oh, he's a jerk anyways.

35 years. No, I know, right? Yeah. How's he doing? He's doing great. What are you kidding? He's first class this guy. Aces. Yeah, I just spent the weekend there. He didn't ask

how about my dad? He came and met us at the marathon this year, Patriots Day in Boston and was sitting there with a couple of my buddies Jason Kanter, my buddy Bart and my dad's sitting there and he goes, so last year, what, did you guys hear it? Or, because I was on the marathon, I go every year he goes, did you hear it? What happened? you one year later my dad's like what's up with that

terrorist attack you survived never asked once not a how were you the first time he asked yeah my buddy bart's like did you not see him i was like i was with him that night my dad just he's not that's not his thing one time i was hanging with my dad and my mother at a hotel we're all drinking you know years ago he goes you know i know my dad my dad's never said i love you but i know he loves me just like my son knows that i love him and i'm like this i don't know that at all i'm terrified no i'm with your old man on that one i'm with the old man on that one i i don't need to be told i know my old man loves me i can tell by the way he used to hit me he really put some love no right yeah i agree with your old man on that i don't need to hear it all right i. I like to hear it from, you know, I like to hear it when I'm getting a lap dance from

some dirty whore. She looks over her shoulder and her big pimpled ass is in my face. That's what I want to hear. Yeah. All right, kids. Thanks for coming up, Joey. Yeah, of course. Sarah.

Thanks. Anytime. You're welcome. Okay. All right. Thank you. I love that we're going to do the cookout thing in a few months. Yes, please.

All right. Bobby's having a cookout Wednesday. You coming over? We're going to. Oh, boy. What a few months. Yes, please. Right. Bobby's having a cookout Wednesday. You coming over? We're going to... Oh, boy. What? That got weird. I just saw him today.

He didn't tell me that. Well, he's doing a cookout podcast. You should come over. I'm inviting you. Do not. Do not. Oh, he's going to hear this anyways. Do not.

He didn't... I was just with him today. He didn't even mention it. I said, you could have a cookout here. I actually said it to him. Oh, gee. He didn't say, that's funny you say that. Now I'm in trouble. Oh, my God. I don't think he it. I said, you could have a cookout here. I actually said it to him. Oh, gee. He didn't say, that's funny you say that. Now I'm in trouble.

Oh, my God. I don't think he did. I don't listen to him. He listens to this? He's going to listen to this? What do you mean? He's part owner of Ryker. I made the Darth Vader comment, and now this?

I'm going to be kicked off. Quinn's not going to talk to you? I'm done. This is a bad trip for you. Sarah might get something out of him. I lost all my friends here. Oh, boy. And I didn't,

by the way, you notice I have the iPad with the sound effects? Because that cord shorted out while you were this afternoon when I got to plug it in. Oh, Jesus. Blue smoke's coming out of the board. You have sound effects? You don't like that? Yeah, usually he's got a bunch of them. I usually play Hey Joe, uh, Hendrix. You want sound effects? Here's the

vehicle from the Jetsons. Yeah, Joe Hendricks. You want sound effects? Here's the vehicle from the Jetsons. Yeah, Joe's really good at it. He's like a Michael Winslow. I'm going to start doing voices and stuff. All right. This has gone way too far. All right. Colin and Bobby, I'm sorry.

I've got to get up early. And, you know, I'm going to be a jury to somebody who stole a moped in Greenville. That's it, kids. Thanks for listening. Remember to rinse your asses, and I'll talk to you next time. Nick DiPaolo signing off. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, I'll be this way. guitar solo guitar solo I'm going to get a good day in my life.