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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo coming at ya.
What's going on?
Oh, I don't know, the big kiss, we'll get to that in a few minutes.
Boy, am I tired of living in the times we live in?
Just between the whining of all the victim groups.
Just tired of the politically correct horseshit and whining and make-believe outrage.
And ugh, you've wasted valuable minutes of my life for this horseshit.
Let's get the business out of the way.
I suppose this is good when I have advertising.
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All right, kids, I'm in a beautiful mood, I'll tell you. I've had like, I don't know,
some type of stomach flu over the weekend. Nothing really severe, just it feels like I have like
three dead triplets I'm carrying in my stomach.
You know what I mean?
Everything I eat just turns to pure acid.
I'm laying there watching TV and I can hear like gurgling and all kinds of bubbles breaking.
I don't know what the hell.
I don't know.
Every time I feel this way, I think maybe my dog kissed me in the mouth or something.
Or I ate a piece of fruit that some homeless guy touched at the supermarket.
Yes, there are homeless people at the supermarket.
You have to let them in.
It's the law.
I don't know what the fuck it is, but I've felt horseshit all weekend.
Just weird.
Yet I continue to eat.
You ever do that?
You're actually sick to your stomach, but you still eat.
That's what I do.
And I wonder why I'm a tad chubby.
But just a ball of acid down there.
Just, you could melt pennies in my gut.
I'm telling you.
And everybody always goes,
well, take the Pepto-Bismol,
which I do sometimes,
but I hesitate
because it turns your stool black.
And you're like,
well, what do you care?
What are you keeping it, uh, keeping it in the
strong deposit box? Ever, ever, ever take a look at it? It says right on the, uh, right on the
bottle of Pepto, turns your stool and sometimes your tongue black. So nobody's really explained
that to me, but it does. I gobbled some of it down last night and dropped what looked like a piece of driftwood
today. Not to get too graphic, but pitch black. I mean, just pitch black. Looked like it was,
I don't know. It looked like a cop's nightstick. A little more girth in that. Again, not to gross
you out, but, and I took my, my powdered, you know, psyllium husk.
That's the stuff that I think is made from like tree bark.
You take a good couple tablespoons of that the night before and then drink water all day.
You'll pass stuff that you ate in second, third grade.
But weird.
Weird all weekend.
Kind of just kind of clammy and didn't keep me from doing my outside chores.
Beautiful, beautiful weather, wasn't it, folks? Just terrific after 42 months of fucking winter. weekend kind of just kind of clammy and didn't keep me from doing my outside shores beautiful
beautiful weather wasn't it folks just terrific after 42 months of fucking winter um what's going
on since i talked to you last oh i i think i talked to you guys last monday yeah joe list
was on the show and the next day i was due at white plains courthouse remember for jury duty holy shit what an experience that is have you tried it have you been summonsed for jury i thought
this is how ignorant i was about it i thought when you got a summons first of all my let me
give you advice tear it up and throw it away okay let them chase you i don't know what came over me
i don't know because i'm pretty sure i've got these before and
ignored them why i answered this one trying to be joe citizen over here but uh it's the last time i
do that i thought when you get summons that meant you were automatically you know on a jury but it's
a whole process first of all you know i had to get up at like 7, 7.30 to make sure, you know.
I had it all built up in my mind.
It was going to be a ton of traffic, downtown White Plains.
I get there.
It looked like Pelham, New Hampshire, for Christ's sake.
Six people total on the sidewalk.
I pull into this parking garage.
I had it all built up in my head.
This is what I do.
This is why I'm such a negative pessimistic.
I build stuff up. I thought I was going to have up in my head. This is what I do. This is why I'm such a negative pessimistic. I build stuff up.
I thought I was going to have to, you know, they tell you where to park and some parking garage behind a library.
If that's it says right on the summons, if that's full, go to this parking lot.
So, you know, they led me to believe that was going to be a nightmare.
So I pull into the garage.
It's a parking garage.
I pull in.
There's one other car in the garage.
She's like a four level
I'm like the first one there
and of course
the government
porks me in the ass
the minute I get there
I park in space
550
there's an arrow
pointing right at it
and I
go over to the
kiosk
and put my credit card in
and
bop bop bop
add eight hours
and then it spits out
a receipt and it says on the receipt
that i'm parked in um 596 so already now i have a conundrum no i'm not i'm parked in 550
okay so i don't know why it says that anyways ended up getting a ten dollar fine at the end
of the day i i can't explain it but they pork pork you in the ass, and they do it on purpose.
And I'm sure everybody has parked in that spot.
I was actually going to take a picture.
This is how paranoid I am.
Even before I went to the kiosk,
because I've had this happen to me before in parking garages,
I was going to take a picture of the 550 sign,
which is right in the front of my car,
proving I parked in that spot.
Anyways, I wonder how many people they fucked, you know, a week doing that.
Anyways, yeah, so I get to the courthouse.
You walk into this big, giant room.
It's like, you know, if you went to college, it's like one of those 300-seaters
or 200-seat classrooms, you know, that slants up with, like, theater seating.
And there's a nice
diverse mix of people and i'm looking at them going i wouldn't want them deciding my fate
and there's about a hundred of years and they go okay uh those who don't work and have children
go into this little room to the right and about 20 people get up now that leaves about 80 of us
still and then they give some more parameters this lady gives this long boring speech on on how they pick
the jury and what they're looking for and pop up and they call your name you have to go here
and whatever so then they break us down into smaller groups they call another roll call
and so on they do it like twice and then they bring you upstairs to a smaller room
with no air conditioning it was like a meat dehydrator it was about 110 just really dry heat
my nose was crusting up i wanted to pick it with a fucking shovel it was making me nuts people are
fat people just sweating looking at each other just strangers locked in a room just a horrible just
everything you'd think that government would you know i don't know how they break it down so then
a judge comes in judge i think i want to say uh i won't mention his name i don't know why
like anybody's going to hear this but this old jewish judge comes in um
christ he had to be close to 80. Comes in.
He's got glasses on.
He's got a black eye.
His right eye is closed.
Like, ever see a hockey player that gets drilled with a puck in the eye?
It was just shut and deep, deep purple.
Just like a four-inch ring around his eye.
And then over the other eye, he's got a Band-Aid closing a cut.
And then his jar inside of his face was yellowish bluish from a like a
real deep bruise i mean it looked like somebody took a hammer to this guy and he just goes ah
you should see the other guy and i'm like very original stupid let's get on with it um but he
was kind of funny he had that new york jewish uh sensibility with that accent and was he was
actually pretty funny he kept uh you know but
then he says then he breaks it down into more parameters he goes for you people here that
if if this is your case that in other words if you don't work you don't get paid you can leave
and they go into this other room across the hall that's when i should have got up because i'm in
that case i'm a comedian and if i don't work i I don't get paid. I'm not on salary. I don't, you know. So that was my case. So everybody started getting up out of about the,
you know, 50 people in the room and they just started filing. And I actually felt bad.
I felt bad. Like nobody wants to do this civic duty. So I sat there like a dummy
and I'm like, should I get up? I should be getting up right now.
I could get out of this or whatever.
Not that those people that left got out of it.
They went into another room where there was a, I guess,
they were going to maybe put them on a case that didn't last four to five weeks,
which this one would have.
He mentions that next.
I almost start crying.
I'm like, yeah, you'll do i'll do my civic
duty i everybody i've talked to that has done this has done jury duty like five people i know
go yeah mine was three four days another one was one day i didn't hear anything sure enough after
everybody filters out there's about 20 of us left he goes uh this case would be i was told by the
lawyers would be four to five weeks.
He made some other funny cracks.
But I'm like, four to five weeks?
What the fuck?
So I'm trying to pull up my schedule as he's talking.
I'm trying to pull up my nickdip.com website to see what dates.
And of course, I can't get a signal in the room.
Because I still have a chance to sprint out, right?
But no, I sit there like a dope.
Anyways, he leaves.
Then the attorneys come in.
I didn't realize it goes this far into the process.
Then these attorneys came in for both sides.
It was a case about a young kid who was diagnosed with something.
He got sick.
I mean like a baby. another hospital misdiagnosed
it and but but now he's you know he's like almost like a vegetable so it was a malpractice thing
so the the there's like five or six lawyers representing the hospital and and defending
the hospital and there's another few lawyers defending the doctors themselves it's like three
different doctors involved and then there's the guy uh who's representing the parents of the kid
who was suing the hospital he speaks first and uh they're pretty impressive you know i make fun of
lawyers matter of fact one of my new bits that i'm doing is i'm shitting all over lawyers which
i'm a typical mook like that you know i always badmouth lawyers until you need one, and it's really true.
But you can say a lot of things about them, but they are pretty sharp, most of them.
So this guy gets up very eloquent, you know,
and what happens is he has all these questionnaires that you filled out when you first got there.
He's got them in front of you and um when you first could put into
that second room there's a there's a thing like you know you you put lottery balls in and you
turn the crank or if you auction something off you put a bunch of names in there and you and
you turn the thing that mixes them up that's literally how they picked us out of the 50
they pick like eight or ten names out of this thing and they have you sit in these 10 seats
up front and then the i didn't get called for the first round and then we sat around the perimeter
the people who didn't get called and um the lawyer is questioning they tell you a little bit about
the case about they're talking to the 10 people now that are in the seats not not us that are
sitting around the perimeter of the room and they ask ask you about, you know, would you be bothered if a severely retarded child is in the courtroom,
and would that affect your decision?
And, of course, everybody's full of shit going,
well, now I can separate thee two, and bop, bop, bop.
But, yeah, so it's weird.
So they question, both sides question these ten people while we sit and watch on the perimeter of the room.
And they go to you one at a time, you know.
And Mr. Smith, would you be bothered by the sight of a severely retarded child?
Would that affect your blah blah?
They ask all other questions.
It's pretty interesting.
They ask all other questions.
It's pretty interesting.
And then those 10 people that were sitting in the so-called jerk chairs,
they're asked to get up at the end, and they shuffle them out to some other room.
And then they crank that thing again with more names in it.
And, of course, I come up in the second round as part of the 10 or 12.
They get to sit in that seat. And they start you know and i'm sitting there i'm still in shock when i heard it was four to
five weeks i was counting on a day or two so i'm like please please i don't want to get picked for
this you know so then they the lawyers start uh the lawyer starts going down the line and
questioning us and oh the lawyer goes so uh mrPaolo, you do what we do for a living.
You know, in other words, everybody thinks you're a comedian.
And I go, yeah, I was hoping that would scare you.
I don't know if I was supposed to say that or not because the room laughed,
knowing that, you know, I'm probably trying to get out of jury duty.
But you'd be surprised.
Most of the people weren't, they were answering honestly. And, um, so I said that he didn't really laugh. The room
left. He could kind of a weird look on his face. And then the other lawyers are like,
kind of staring at me like I'm a wise ass or something. Well, maybe I was just being paranoid.
I don't know. But it's one guy like, just like, like um what's the actor's name he was in um
his last name's harris he was in that movie uh glengarry glenn ross you know the guy i'm talking
about one of my favorite actors his name slips me right now but uh he plays captain negative in that
movie he looked just like that guy and he was at me, kind of browbeat me the whole time.
And then they asked more questions, and then they, bup, bup, bup.
And then they explained how there will be paid witnesses on the stand for both sides.
Does anybody have a problem with that? And I raised my hand.
I go, yeah, I got a big problem with that, which I didn't have a big problem with it.
I have a little bit of a problem with somebody being paid.
How does that, I said, how does that not affect, you know, their testimony?
You know, I don't, I kind of have a problem.
And he goes, well, that's understandable.
Maybe this case isn't for you.
And then the other side gets up and they come to me again.
Mr. Apollo, you mentioned earlier that you had a problem with the paid witness thing.
Would that affect your, you know, you sitting in on this case?
And, you know, I do the fake pause for like 10 seconds.
I don't even know enough about the paid witnesses to really.
I just sounds like coercion to me.
I don't know.
So I'm like, yeah, I got to I got to admit, that might sway my decision one way or the other.
I'm praying to God that, you know, they'd go, okay, you can go, stupid.
But they don't.
They leave you there, and they keep questioning other people.
And it's pretty fascinating.
They get into the nuts and bolts of the case, and this is before they even decide who's going to be on the jury.
I didn't know anything about the process.
Kind of fascinating.
But the four to five weeks was scaring the shit out of me.
And I finally get my website to come up on my phone
and it says I have a gig in June 13th.
It's the first time I have to, you know, go on the road.
I kept a month of May open
because I thought I might have jury duty.
But I'm looking at it.
And I also had put on the questionnaire, the first questionnaire at the beginning,
when you walked into the big room, question 18 said,
if you'd like to speak to the judge in private about anything, check this box, which I did.
I was going to say, look, man, I'm a semi-public figure.
And, you know, I have 70,000 Twitter followers, more or less,
and do you want a guy like that?
But nobody ever approached me saying, do you want to talk to the judge?
So I'm sweating bullets.
I'm like, I do not want to be coming here every morning,
even though it could be very interesting.
I just, you know, I got other shit to do.
You know what I mean?
So I'm sweating bullets. So they question us for about an hour, both sides, bup, bu know, I got other shit to do. You know what I mean?
So I'm sweating bullets.
So they question us for about an hour, both sides.
Then our group gets out.
And, no, we were the second and final group.
So then they go, we're going to take a break.
The lawyers go out of the room for like 20 minutes or so,
and they come back,
and they're going to call out the 10 or 12 that they need.
And I am sitting there at this point, again,
and I know I'm being selfish,
but I don't want anything to do with this. I just don't want to be locked into anything for four to five weeks.
Who knows?
The case could get settled, you know,
the people could settle that you know that the people
could settle that are sewing or whatever but um i'm just going oh please christ and they're calling
names off and it's the one time usually when you know going on audition you're praying they come
out and go i'm just sweating bullets like the selfish american that i am going oh don't call
me and they're calling him here's the eighth name there's a ninth they don't call me. And they call my name. Here's the eighth name. Here's the ninth. They don't call me.
And I'm like, mm.
And those 10 people get up that they called.
And they go, OK, you got to go in this room.
Now, you four in the second row, which
was me and three other people, you come up here
and sit in the front row.
I'm like, what in Christ is going on?
And then they go out of the room for a few minutes,
come back in. And they go, you four go out of the room for a few minutes come back in
and they go you four uh go to room 186 down the hall or whatever so it's me and three other people
we're thinking oh god we want to we we cleared it but then like why are they sending us to another
room why can't they just you guys are free to go so now me and there's three other people sitting
in this room we're just like going oh christ they're gonna put us on another case maybe a shorter k at this point i don't want to do any of it now and then a lady
comes in after like 10 or 15 minutes with she goes i have your letters of release i felt like the guy
in uh midnight express when he realized he was free remember when he broke out of the turkish
prison i literally ran when i was running in the park and I jumped up and kicked my heels like the guy does at the end of that movie.
But, yeah, so it was interesting.
And I can see I know people have sat in on jury say it's really fascinating.
I would have been.
I just holy moly.
I get gigs.
I got mouths to feed, as Mike Tyson would say.
My my wife, who has three croutons a month
not a big burden but anyways so i just felt like i just beat a murder rap i just felt like i was
facing 25 to life uh come on five weeks who's got that kind of time to serve their country?
But it's crazy, the process, you know?
I'm looking around, and after we get in the room, the judge said, first of all, any questions?
This is when they first broke us down into, like, groups of 40.
Half the room raises their hand, and they're asking questions about the parking meters in the garage.
And I'm like, holy shit.
These are people that are going to decide somebody, you know, a decision decision that could affect people's lives and they can't figure out the parking what the i mean
what the hell's going on out here uh yeah kind of kind of like really there was one woman who had a child who actually suffered some complications during birth, and they questioned her.
They grilled her for like 15 minutes or whatever.
And I'm like, they can't be considering still using her. That cuts too close.
She kept insisting that she could separate her emotions from, you know.
I used the word compartmentalize just to show that i
wasn't a total moron and the lawyer said that's a that's actually a good word and i was like thank
you looking around all proudly people just giving me a dirty look going we've heard your dick jokes
on youtube he's you know that fucking smart all proud of myself looking around because I used a big word.
I'm like, yeah, I can compartmentalize the emotions from the actual logic of the argument.
And a black guy next to me goes, yeah, I could separate the two, which is hilarious.
Very interesting.
Very relieved to get out of it. I mean, come on, I'm working on another hour here,
I have to be in the city every night, telling dick jokes, I can't serve my fellow Americans,
oh, and the other funny thing, in the courthouse, I go down, I go down to, we had a break for lunch, and there's a little convenience store in the lobby, and I go in, and there's a little convenience store in the lobby and I go in and there's a guy with mirrored glasses,
working on the register and kind of long hair.
He looked like a musician or something, you know,
kind of hip looking dude.
And I put my stuff down and he goes,
what do you got there?
So I just point that out with my fingers.
Two things.
I had a bottle of soda and a bag of chips or something.
And I just jested and he doesn't say anything.
And then he gets kind of a little disgruntled.
He goes, sir, I'm blind. You have to tell me what you got.
He kind of aggravated at me.
Which made me kind of aggravated at him.
Okay. Why aren't you wearing the standard issue blind guy glasses?
You know, the black ones,
like, uh, you know, all the piano players wear, why, why, why, you know, it's got the mirrored
ones on, you're trying to pull a dirty, hairy thing, help me out here, you look, I didn't know,
he got a little, a little grouchy with me, and I the guys uh you know the guy's doing a job here and uh
but uh then i went down an hour later and i get coffee and i and the same thing happened like
twice so i was watching people buy stuff and i was thinking you know how they um could avoid all
this confusion hire somebody you could fucking see yeah what about that? I don't know.
The point is, there's a lot of trouble being made.
And, you know, politically correct times.
But then again, it's good to see the guy.
That's, you know, is that really the right job for a blind guy?
His register was open when I went back and I was watching other people buy stuff.
I was standing like three feet from the register.
I was really thinking about grabbing three fifties.
But where am I going?
It's a courthouse.
It's like 11 cops in the lobby waiting for me.
Cameras everywhere.
But if you're going to shoplift at a store, I suggest the little bodega in the White Plains Courthouse.
Just find an exit that nobody knows about.
So that was that, folks.
What else?
Louis episode.
The first episode aired, I think I was in that, was the poker scene.
Which was very funny.
And people, you know.
And yes, we ad-libbed a lot of those lines.
I actually gave Louis a line when he said the fire truck.
When Norton asked Sarah Soman if she needs toys to get on.
And I said, what, a fire truck or something?
Louie said that, but I actually gave him that.
I remember he said, can I have that?
I go, it's your fucking show.
What am I going to say?
No.
He's the coolest guy.
But here's the thing about that scene, folks.
There was going to be a big part of that story and i was going to be a bigger part of that scene was some guy was going to show up halfway through
the card game a friend of who you know whoever's at the table william stevens and whatever or um
norton i forget who what the script was but a guy was going to show up with a monkey a live monkey
and i freak out in the original script i I freak out and, uh, cause I'm
scared shit. And I really am scared of those things. After that Connecticut woman, after the
monkey used her face as an appetizer, kind of put a chill up my ass. Um, I, uh, yeah, that was the
scene I was going to, I, I panic. I go get that fucking monkey out of here. It would have been a
nice scene for me, you know? And, uh, I run into the kitchen. I grab a steak knife. Everybody's
trying to calm me down. But what happened was the day of the shooting the guys that train the monkeys they
had to be in the scene they had some lines and they were so bad as actors and you can't blame
them it's not what they do for a living i mean it's what i do and i stink i uh we you know they
were just horrendous they did about 11 takes, and they tried a second trainer,
and it's not their fault.
You know, they're not actors.
But it was so bad that they couldn't use the monkey scene.
That's my life story.
Just a red CH from having a really funny...
Come on.
I was holding a giant steak knife threatening a live monkey.
Very interesting how we shot that scene, by the way.
They had to shoot it in like pieces.
The part where I stand up and grab the knife, there couldn't be a real monkey in the room.
And I remember Louis saying to the trainer, why is that?
He goes, because they like to join in the fun.
In other words, if there's a simulated fight going on or people start raising their voices, they'll go shithouse.
They'll start jumping around the room and biting people's noses.
Yeah.
And I knew my fear of them was founded.
So, yeah.
So, there were some scenes where the guy had to hold like a cloth, a fake monkey, while Louis was doing his lines with him.
Or I was doing my lines with him.
Isn't that weird?
Because if there was too much excitement in the scene,
the monkey would have went batshit.
Anyways, all that got cut out, and it broke my heart.
But I'm in a couple more scenes,
and there's another episode I'm giving Louie, I think, relationship advice while we're sitting at the bar watching the news at the Comedy Cellar.
And he threw me in at the table in a scene I wasn't supposed to be in.
This is why, you know, he's a decent guy.
He threw me in a scene where I wasn't even scheduled to be sitting at the table.
And he kind of let me ad-lib there, too, busting balls with this waitress, Linda,
who's been there for a while.
So, yeah, that was fun, man.
It's always fun to get paid.
It's almost like being in show business.
And then, you know, the next night you're on the road.
Oh, I forgot to shut my phone off.
How unprofessional of me.
That's a guy from Stand Up New York.
By the way, I'm doing the Stand Up New York Labs tomorrow night.
I go on at 9.
The show's at 8.30.
It's above Stand Up New York.
If you live in that area in the city, it's 78th and Broadway.
It's called the Stand Up Labs.
It's just a, it's a, it's not a comedy club.
It's what they call a workspace you know there's about
25 seats tops it's just a black room with some shitty lighting and some posters and and a
microphone and uh i did it last week and it's fun i mean if you want to see how the sausage is made
i'm talking jokes in the infancy and you just try to you know know, you just try to, you know, work the stuff out.
And I think there were 10 people there last week.
And a couple of them actually worked at the club.
And I'm busting balls at this one guy.
I think he's part owner.
I've met him 18 times, didn't recognize him.
Had the lights in my eyes,
but I'm like busting his chops
and realized I think he owns a joint.
But yeah, that's the stand-up labs.
And this is a guy from stand-up saying,
any interest in doing a spot on the 8 o'clock show on the main showroom tomorrow?
Can give you $50.
There you go, folks.
Here's another little tidbit I'll let you in on. Imagine $50. There you go, folks. Here's another little tidbit I'll let you in on.
Imagine $50.
It cost me $53 in tolls and gas to get to the city and home, for Christ's sake.
It's on the road where we make our money.
But anyways, so yeah.
And then Wednesday night, I'm at the stand.
Again, this is a few people in the area, Manhattan.
It's good, though.
I get to do about a half hour at each place
normally the spots are 15 minutes they let me run my mouth for a full half hour just like a double
spot so you know the process goes on put one put one hour away start a new one and yes we're still
shopping that around nobody has said yes nobody has said no It's kind of in limbo. It's crazy.
I don't know what the problem is, but I'll keep you up to date.
Of course, the NFL draft, that was the big news.
And boy, am I tired of this story already with the, of course,
the first openly gay player to be drafted by the NFL, Michael Sam.
I think it was Missouri.
He was SEC co-defensive player of the year,
and he didn't go until Christ the seventh round.
I think it was like maybe seven or eight more guys after him, and that was it.
Which is kind of unusual, man, for an SEC defensive player of the year
to go that late.
And, of course, in these times that late and of course in these times
that we're living in these pc times uh everybody's saying oh it's just more proof the nfl is homophobic
i'm so sick of this shit it's just but the big he made big news by when he finally got the call
you know him kissing his boyfriend you know and of course um the networks abc nbc cbs has to has to run that
around on a loop like the saprota film they just can't get enough of it um i didn't need to see it
gotta be honest with you i'm happy for the guy uh yeah you know gay guy but you know you know
who's gonna make fun of him come on really we're past that you know gay guy but you know you know who's gonna make fun of him come on really
we're past that you know i mean who we are i don't need to see it i'm gonna be perfectly honest
yeah it kind of grosses me out seeing two guys kiss but doesn't mean i hate gay people blah blah
blah matter of fact look i don't like any public displays of affection. It bugs me when I see heterosexuals, like, make it out in public, you know?
It's like, oh, what?
It's like they're going, look what we can do.
Get a fucking room, you cheap bucks.
But, yeah, you know, and here's my problem with it.
First of all, I'm happy for him and all that stuff.
But this whole, you you know they were ready to
pounce if he didn't get drafted on on you know the league being homophobic and stuff it still is a
business you know he had what they call lousy numbers at the combine ran like a four seven
four seven eighth almost a four eight which is not fast enough to be a linebacker and and and when
i was listening to the owner of the Colts, I think it was,
explain how it works.
When you get into those later rounds, you know, the sixth and seventh rounds,
you go by the numbers.
In other words, what was his 40 time?
What was his vertical leap?
And you kind of lean on those a lot in the later rounds.
And frankly, his numbers kind of stunk.
He's not big enough to be a down lineman in the NFL, really.
And he's not fast enough to be a linebacker.
They call him a tweener.
And it's a business decision.
But everybody's ready to jump on him.
Oh, you know, the NFL, we have to drag them kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
Yeah, it is the only place where guys can be guys, you know.
But the kissing, yeah, I didn't need to see that on a loop and and i didn't like
the crying i think the crying bothered me more than the kissing it's like it's like you know
like lucille ball wailing but um you know the guy this is very interesting how this is going to play
out hey some guys don't get drafted at all you you know. Undrafted free agents, and they end up being stars.
It's not a science.
But, you know, to be a defensive player of the year
on the Southeast Conference,
I don't know if you follow college football or not.
I mean, it's, you know, it's the best conference by far.
And interesting.
But like I said, they judge it on on the numbers too or whatever we'll
see he said he's come out since the draft said i should have went in the first three rounds
and i can understand i'm feeling that way but the other thing and then you then you had the
reaction to the kiss and all that this guy don jones for the dolphins tweeted you know horrible
oh my god horrible horrible, whatever.
I don't know how he thought he could get away with that.
But so the Dolphins have suspended him,
and now he has to take some sensitivity education.
That's where I get a problem with all this political geek record shit.
That really bothers me.
Hey, what is it? Is it the law now you have to like stuff that you disagree with or
whatever you know i mean of course miami just got done with that whole bullying scandal so they're
they're on hyper alert i'm sure but uh you know if a guy's grossed out by he tweets it shouldn't
be punished for it sure whatever it's ignorance or whatever whatever you're allowed to be ignorant
in this country or an asshole or have opinions that go against.
You know, it just, oh, now he has to be, you know, take classes.
That stuff went on in Russia in 1940.
I mean, what?
You can't disagree with it in public or you'll be hanged.
Therein, I have a problem.
You know what I mean?
In a perfect world,
the guy could have went,
oh, fucking gross.
I don't like it.
And then you'll settle it on the field.
But now you get, you know,
excoriated and, oh, God,
you're going to have to take
sensitivity classes.
Hey, it's his opinion
whether you agree with it or not.
You know, the whole gay, it's not even about the gay, it's not about gay people.
It's about the idiots who try to speak for them.
George Carlin used to do a great bit about, once you start getting into groups and wearing armbands,
and that's when he has a problem with it.
And that's exactly what's going on.
The whole, it's just really weird.
We're in a place that's just crazy i mean
you speak out and you know they destroy your business and yeah those two guys on the uh
i don't know what now hg network whatever two twin brothers were going to do a show
they buy houses and flip them and i guess one of them and you know said he was against a gay
marriage like years ago in an interview.
Now they're bringing that out
and the network that was going to do the show,
you know, get bullied by some special interest groups,
which are the devil and the cancer, in my opinion.
So their show isn't going to get made, you know,
which the network has a right to do,
but they were bullied into it.
Jesus Christ, what happened to freedom of speech
i'm friggin believable
so uh yeah don jones of the dolphins i think that was his name and um you know it's got to be weird
don't you know how about a little empathy for the guys who, you know, yeah, these are,
this is an evolution in the process, but don't act like guys are supposed to, you know, not
be a little shocked or turned off when they see two guys kissing or something.
You know, people on the other side have to get used to it too.
You know what I mean?
I can jump all over them.
Then you go on, I love you go on the internet, you go to the comment section and everybody is such a I don't see a problem with it.
I can't believe in this day and age.
Everybody takes a stance.
You know damn well if they saw two guys banging each other and the kids rush their kids out of the room in a second.
Everybody is so oh these guys are just ignorant and you know.
It's just hilarious. It's the brainwashing on the PC side.
I remember I played, this is kind of related, but it is silly.
What do they think is going to go on in the locker room?
You know what I mean?
Guys, I wouldn't want to have to block them.
You know, it's that week of the month.
It's a little joke there um i remember i played jv hockey uh one year just went off with jv to get in shape for uh for a spring track i was running indoor track so i went out to play jv
hockey for you and uh we were taking a shower one day,
and one of the guys on the team had an erection in the shower.
I mean, I think it was just bad timing.
When you're that young, you get one, what, every minute and a half?
But we all sprinted out of the shower.
But I'm saying that's not going to happen in the NFL.
I'm just saying.
And this poor kid took a beating.
Not physically, but obviously we tortured him with it for the next two years.
You know?
So that was kind of funny.
That came to mind when I was reading all this stuff.
What exactly are players afraid of?
You know?
I hope the guy did good. Theams took them by the way so um it's gonna be interesting because to have like i said those credentials and and to go
that late anyways good luck michael sams and putting up with all the happy horseshit but uh you you know you PC types
you're a little bit fascist people can disagree with it and they can say it publicly
uh without being punished I would hope uh what else went on in the draft Johnny Manziel Johnny
football um I I don't do that much sports on here because I realize, I don't know, this business,
I didn't realize it until after 20 years.
There's a lot of nerds that come out to comedy clubs.
Johnny Manziel goes to the Cleveland Browns.
22nd guy picked.
Makes sense.
I think he's going to be great.
My buddy Joe List doesn't think so, and a few other people.
But he's got something there he's got the
eye of the tiger he's cocky as hell he's got hands the size of they say an nba basketball play they
measured his hand from like the from his wrist to the tip of his middle finger it's like 12 inches
some crazy freaking number and uh so yeah let's get he's going to cleveland they finally have
something to be excited about teddy bridgewaterwater, remember the guy quarterbacked at Louisville.
Tremendous ball play.
The Vikes got him.
And I think the Giants had a good draft.
Odell Beckham, who was a wide receiver.
He was a stud at LSU.
And I think they got the best running back on the draft.
Andre Williams out of BC.
I think he led the nation either the last two years.
I know he led it last year in Russia.
He's a beast, this guy.
He's big and he's fast.
He's got breakaway speed and he's a moose on top of it.
So anyways, Patriots got a defensive end out of Florida.
I forget his name.
I don't worry about them.
They know what they're doing.
And you know me and my NHL hockey praise.
It's been as good as I say it is, the playoffs.
Bruins and Habs, I mean, they played each other literally 901 times,
I think, in the history of the sport.
And it's like Yankees-Red Sox.
They just frigging hate each other.
You had the whole thing thing with suban the black
player for the canadians and the racist crap the boston fans were saying on twitter that just added
fuel to this and um and he's like the one of the best he might be the best player on the eye
i'd kill to have the guy uh rangers penguins how about them new york rangers who i said we're
gonna make noise in the playoffs i said that to one of my buddies. They were down 3-1 to the Penguins in this series.
They've come back to tie it.
Game 7, that'll be tomorrow night or tonight
if you're listening to this tomorrow.
Ducks and Kings.
Kings won the first two in Anaheim.
And then the Ducks go up to L.A.
and take two there.
That's tied at two.
And the Blackhawks
have a 3-2 lead
over the Wild,
the Minnesota.
So, I mean,
again, folks,
if you haven't given
hockey a chance,
watch it this time.
You tell me there isn't,
it's just tremendous.
They play like it means something.
What else we got here?
Yeah, so I'm working on new stuff.
That's what I do when I do these New York labs,
stand-up labs and the stand.
Meth, writing a bit on meth I don't want to like I don't want to like spell these you know I don't want to burn these on a podcast
these bits but a chunk on meth I have a chunk on nice people when people go hey
he's a good guy.
Doesn't have a bad word to say about anybody.
And I say, that's not a good guy.
That's a phony fuck.
We all bad mouth people.
What do you do?
Hitler.
Well, he was all right.
He's just a little grouchy.
You know, I have a whole list of shit on that.
Tits obsession.
That's a bit I'm working on.
I was watching a movie and I forgot my wife is right next to me. And a girl comes on the screen with a nice rack. I go, nice tits obsession that's a bit i'm working on i was watching a movie and i forgot my wife is right
next to me and a girl comes on the screen with a nice rack i go nice tits i literally forgot the
wife was even next to me and she goes what's what's the new guys in your obsession with tits
and then i go into a whole thing on that uh right now that's my favorite new thing out of all the
new bits uh fox news girls on the broads on Fox News Channel.
I had started that bit a while ago
and I'm trying to bring some life into it.
Lawyers after the podcast.
I say one of the lines to start there,
but as I hate lawyers,
lawyers are the reason there's no diving board at a hotel swimming pool.
It's the reason when I want to jump into a pool, I'm at a hotel.
I have to go down the stairs in the low end backwards like my mother used to when she just had her hair done.
Advertising. Um, advertising. There's another bit that I started a few years ago that, um, it's, you know, it's questioning, obviously, truth in advertising, which has never been any. So, um, that's pretty funny.
cancer on the radio i talk about how um you know it's got to be so it's got to be so so pc and so gender equal all the commercials and in that prostate commercial the guy actually says at
the beginning of the commercial uh you know one in four men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer
this year but prostate cancer affects you too ladies and i'm like it does we can't even fucking
have that to ourselves and then i i'm not
going to give away the bit but uh it's funny and speaking of prostate i saw i saw a headline in a
paper a few months ago and this was the headline i think it was the new york times it said what
african-american men should know about prostate cancer i don't know what they should know but
maybe you want to share it with whitey over here i mean what are you are our prostates that different black guys prostates shaped like pennsylvania
located behind their neck what the so much for the colorblind society everybody wants
um you know leukemia what white guy should know fuck the rest of the people. Then I have a very
funny shit story
that I'm telling on stage. It actually
happened to me. It was the night of
the Cubs game and Steve Bartman
fucked up the Cubs chances.
Remember? I don't know what year
that was.
2000, 2001. I don't know.
But I stormed out of the house
and had a fight with my wife and I was wearing shorts, 2001, I don't know. But I stormed out of the house. I had a fight with my wife. And I was wearing shorts, sneakers, and a T-shirt.
No underwear, under the shorts.
And I got about a mile from the house.
I had the worst, you know, shit pains.
And I couldn't even move on the sidewalk.
And I don't want to give away the rest of it.
But it's a pretty funny story. And I have't even move on the sidewalk and I don't want to give away the rest of it but uh it's a pretty funny story and I have a nice chunk on abortion and where I'm gonna do that I
have no idea but that's what I'm working on so if you're in the area tomorrow night you'll see me uh
pounding on that that's the fun of it folks people always when you tell them you're a comic or they
go so um do you write your own stuff or do you have people write it for you tell them you're a comic, they go, so, do you write your own stuff, or do
you have people write it for you, it's like, no, you know, I mean, the only comics that do that
are really famous and have shows, I mean, the fun, 99% of it is, you know, coming up with the stuff
on your own, obviously, thinking this stuff's what makes your act, you, you, and somebody else,
Obviously, thinking this is what makes your act, you, you, and somebody else, somebody else.
So that's the process.
I just wish to Christ that I had an apartment in the city.
Because I've really, as much as I love it up here, I've really made it difficult on myself.
But I might as well mention, too, yeah, the middle of June 13 13th 13th or 14th uh i'm at the improv fort lauderdale
the hard rock casino i should look that up um yeah so that's that's what we do and uh we pound on
trying to pump some life into some old bits uh what the hell else did i do oh it was uh i'm joseph burman asshole i was cutting my lawn this for the first time this
year i cut the lawn have a sit down mower which uh i don't have to start it i just replaced the
starter last year i don't know what the fucking problem i'll turn it and it'll click click click
like the battery's dead which it's's not. I know it's not.
And, you know, and then I'll lift up the look of the battery, which is under the seat and play with the cables.
And I don't see any corrosion there.
I don't know what the problem is.
I wiggle the cables.
I'll see sparks, which is a good sign.
And then the thing will start right up.
I can't figure it out.
So if you're a mechanic, let me know. Oh, so funny.
So the grass is kind of wet, the lawn, you know.
Like I said, it's the first time I'm cutting it.
And I'm going up a hill on the sit-down mower.
And it starts sliding backwards.
And I slide right over a boxwood that my wife planted,
some type of shrub.
Cut it right down the middle.
Frigging lawnmower almost tipped over.
It went up on like two wheels.
I mean, that's how people die in their own home.
You know, a guy's cutting the grass by himself and chops off his own hand and bleeds to death in the driveway.
But I was just hoping nobody saw that because my brother-in-law was here.
He was up on the roof with his cousin
uh i need a new roof for the house another reason i'm gonna keep driving into the city
um yeah so freaking lawnmower almost tipped over on me what an ass really am a suburban chooch
i remember as a kid i was cutting the grass in my my uh my grandmother's
house this is true and i hit an underground wasp i don't know wasps they build nests underground
sometimes but i ran over with a lawnmower and i got stung by a six wasps it was like a i don't
know was an eighth grade or whatever and here's what my grandmother does. Tell me this is an old school, uh, Gin's alone. She, uh, she, she immediately threw rocks, these rocks into cold water and then put the,
applied the rocks to my, uh, my, where I get stung, the swelling.
That's her idea of an ice pack.
What the fuck?
Oh, have you ever heard of such a thing?
Mama mia.
Uh, yeah. So I'm outside, you know, being Joe Suburbanite.
Bill Hicks used to do a great bit about his old man.
And, you know, when you start worrying about your lawn, you know, you're ready to die.
So, yeah.
Love this time of year.
We'll have the comedy cookout this summer.
Not sure when yet.
I'm going to have two of them, I think.
Going to have two.
The only problem with that is I have all these guys up,
and they're all clean and sober.
I'm sitting there like an idiot drinking by myself.
Well, Mike Baker from Baker Media.
He can pound his scotch.
But the rest of them
sit there drinking Yoo-Hoo,
eating fucking Cheetos.
But it's always a good time.
What else, kids?
That's about it.
Kind of an uneventful week to be honest with you but i'm around all of may like i said
what else did i want to talk about oh somebody asked me most embarrassing i was at uh the stand
and we got the subject about uh embarrassing moments in life. First they asked me what was the most embarrassing on stage.
That's how it got started, some guy asked me.
And I don't know if I've mentioned this one before,
but I was hosting the Nasty Show, Just for Laughs, in Montreal.
And it's like a 700, 800-seat theater.
I mean, a lot of people sold out.
And I'm the host.
I was taking over for Bobby Slayton at the time.
It's a big deal.
Your name's on the marquee.
And I come out to a communication breakdown.
They have a live band there.
You know, I come out all cocky
and almost like playing air guitar
on the way out to the mic stand.
And the place is, you know,
800 people roaring, clapping. And I grab the mic and the cord falls out to the mic stand. And the place is, you know, 800 people roaring, clapping.
And I grab the mic,
and the cord falls out of the goddamn mic.
Just, you just hear like a high pitch.
Eek!
And fucking 800 people dead silent.
Now I get 800 people staring at me.
I'm trying to put the cord back into the microphone.
And I'm farsighted, so I can't see up close.
And just 800 people waiting for me
to get the goddamn thing back in.
I had performance anxiety.
It was like trying to fuck somebody
with 10 people watching.
It was never a problem when I was young.
So yeah, that was really embarrassing
because I came out and I was all like,
you know, Joe Led Zeppelin,
like Robert Plant-like
as I'm approaching the mic stand.
And then the cord
just falls out I still think I was set up uh but I remember me and that's so embarrassing
and then then you know I finally plug the mic in and then all the all the rah-rah's gone and it's
like that you're gonna start from and for some reason the audience blamed you in that situation
like you built the goddamn mic um that was a showbiz embarrassing moment
also when i had my free fm radio show uh like the second or third month that it was on the air
we did a live show from some some club some nightclub and i had to introduce a band
in front of a live and the place was packed with their fans.
I don't even remember the band's name,
which is appropriate because I didn't remember it then.
I go out, hey, how y'all doing?
Free FM, Nick DePaulo, ba-ba-ba-ba.
And it was like, I don't know, the band name was like Slaughtered Lambs,
and I reversed that.
And please welcome
Lamb Slaughterers, or something like, it was just friggin', and you could just see the faces drop,
like six people clapped out of the 300, because they thought there might have been an opening band,
and I was so friggin' embarrassed, and I go, ah, I mean, Slaughtered Lamb, and then the band's
coming on, you know, and I'm exiting the the stage like one of them kind of like fucking gives me the shoulder because it was so pissed i fucked up their big
moment and i know what that feels like because it's happened to me at comedy clubs it's brought
on as mickey de palma once i told you that story bro i didn't even get up guy goes please welcome
mickey de palma i thought there was a comic doing a guest set um what's the other embarrassing moment again
not showbiz related oh skiing i was learning to uh i was learning to um stop i just started to
learn to ski and i was learning to stop you know not not snowplow but actually stop like an adult
and i was doing it all day and i had it down i was getting cocky so i go tucking
it down this it was a mountain called king's ridge new hampshire i think and uh i remember
i'm in the tuck position at about 50 miles an hour and there's a long line for the ski lift at the
bottom so i come flying down and i'm gonna wait you know to get about 10 feet from the last guy
in line and put on the brakes i go go to do that, and nothing happens.
I don't know if I hit a ridge, but I just kept going straight.
And I hit this guy who was just standing there, like leaning on his poles.
You could hear the wind come out of him.
It was like a vicious football hit.
He goes, what the fuck?
He rolls over.
He's like trying to grab.
He's trying to catch his wind.
I knocked the wind out of myself.
I look at one of his poles.
It's bent like an L.
And the whole line is like giggling at me.
I'm laying there.
I'm apologizing to the guy profusely.
And I can't blame him for a second.
Because the whole line is looking at me like, what a dick.
They didn't know that I couldn't stop yet.
Another embarrassing moment.
In high school, I loved this girl Maureen Lynch.
I had a crush on this girl.
She was like a stoner, but she was really good looking, you know.
She wore those platform shoes.
That's right, folks, the early 60s.
And, you know, she was just sexy as hell.
Tight jeans, big tits.
But she liked it.
And she was cool.
She could hang out with the jocks.
She could hang out.
I had a wicked crush on her.
And I think she was in my English class.
And I remember I fell asleep with my head on my desk,
like a little cat nap.
And the bell rang for the class to end.
I picked my head up.
I have drool going from the corner of my mouth to my desk.
And she's staring right at me, Maureen Lynch.
To this day, traumatized by it.
And then, of course, is the cases when a few times when you get abroad in bed
and you're drunk and you can't get it up.
That's always humiliating.
Girl in college, I was in love with Tracy.
You know, teased me about a year and a half
then on senior day after i have uh 17 beers of me um you know she gives me my shot and boy did i
fucking not come up big on that one let's put it that way uh saint martin this was about eight ten
years ago me and my wife were in saint martin um I go, I'm going for a walk on the beach.
We got a digital camera.
We just bought it.
A couple hundred, 150 bucks or whatever.
I'm going for a walk.
She goes, okay, I'm staying here.
I walk down, way down to the end of the beach.
And there's a bunch of people there.
I walk by them.
That's like the French end or whatever, the French end of the beach.
There's like beautiful girls with their tops off and stuff.
I walk past them and I go up on these rocks.
I'm walking on these rocks, you know, right along the water.
I slip with a camera in my hand.
And I know they're all watching.
I'm the only asshole out on the rocks.
There's nothing else to do with the beach.
The ones that weren't reading a book.
I slip and land on my and fall into the
water i try to hold the camera above my head and of course i go under by like 12 feet and just
fucking ruin the camera but then i have to come up and i have to come up and there's like a little
bit of blood coming through my bathing suit where my ass bone is you know right like my thigh meets
my ass just totally not and i have to walk past them i i wanted
to call a helicopter to come pick me up they had to walk past them after they just watched me land
on my ass like a chooch that one sticks out um skiing oh the mic cord yeah um what the hell is it oh the number one and the most embarrassing
this is when my friends still cry they laugh their ass off right after i got out of college
i was uh selling time on a cable door-to-door should have stayed with that my brother's a
partial millionaire um and um i just left i quit the cable job now i'm unemployed
living in this beautiful condo complex roger clemens live they give you an idea and i'm
unemployed for like months i'm fucking i'm pissing away the money that i save selling cable
and uh i get drunk one afternoon by myself and And then I wandered to Revere Beach.
That's where I like, it's a very Italian section of Massachusetts,
about eight miles north of Boston.
And I wander over to Revere Beach.
And, you know, I got a buzz on one.
Again, I'm broke.
This cute girl comes up to me like in a bikini.
Hey, we're having a tanning contest.
Of course, I was laying out the pool.
I was unemployed.
I had a great tan she goes we have any a tan a tan competition for best you know tan on revere beach you want to get into i go yeah sure it was a uh windsurfer was the
number one prize uh you know a sir uh yeah surf boat with a sailboat on it whatever the fuck you
call i go yeah sure so i get in the contest and you know
they do like three rounds of whatever and then it comes down to me and two girls it's a final three
i'm one of the three finalists and my thinking is i'll win the wind server and then sell it it's
gonna be worth a couple grand right that's that's my plan so it's me and two chicks left and i'm like three
shades darker than either one of them so i'm like i got this fucking thing in the bag and the guy
goes and the winner of the 1988 revere beach tan contest before he even finished his sentence i
start walking i i start walking towards the you
know the guy hosting it we're standing behind him i i'm like a foot from him and he announces maria
so-and-so the most embarrassing moment of my life just people like snickering i turn around the chick like walks past me blows past me to pick up her
price oh my god what an asshole and a bunch of people there and just they were fucking laughing
but i could i could ripped off but who would i guess you know two chicks in the early 20s would
kill her bodies but i was like three shades darker, you know?
It was like a middle bowl versus Edgar Winter.
And it was so frigging embarrassing.
I'm like, oh my, I just slinked away.
And I'm walking away like from the crowd and stuff going, ah.
Thank God there was nobody there to see that.
And I hear, hey, DePaulo.
It's my sister Donna's boyfriend, Donnie Elm.
He runs up to me. He goes, you fucking thought you were gonna win that you fucking idiot oh my god i wanted to get him
in a chokehold snap his neck how fucking embarrassing that was number one of my most
embarrassing moments i'm sure there's more i'll give you but those are the ones that stick out
of course i clogged a
girl's toilet. I was staying with a
buddy of mine's girlfriend out in Los Angeles.
I was out there for a week on business.
I stayed at her apartment.
And, you know, I look like an
explosion in a septic tank.
But that was it, the tanning contest.
Alright,
kids, that's it.
Like I said, if you're around the New York City area,
tomorrow night, stand up New York.
I might do a set at the club and then go upstairs.
And the stand on Wednesday.
I go on at 8.30 at the stand, I believe.
That's one of my favorite places to work out new shit.
If you want to see how the sausage is made.
It's funny because there'll be minutes where I get dead silence
and then I'll just,
you know,
lose my shit.
The improv,
I will be performing at
in June 13, 14, 15.
That's in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
All right.
That's it for now, kids.
And thanks again
for the Nick and Artty episode that i did
of course the numbers were just crazy crazy numbers just on that episode alone and from
the time i announced it to the day after i mean some some the best numbers we ever did so
i appreciate uh appreciate that you guys and uh that's about it maybe i'll see the clubs
maybe i won't rinse your asses take care
good night until we meet again adios guitar solo guitar solo I'm done