The Nick DiPaolo Show - 032 - 22 Year Old Virgin / Frank Rich

Episode Date: May 28, 2014

22 Year Old Virgin / Frank Rich

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo Podcast. What's happening? A lot since we last chatted, huh? Fucking world's going to hell in a handbasket. I mean, mama mia, where do you want to start got the uh killer virgin there the uh 22 year old kissless virgin in santa barbara what a puke huh What a symptom of a society that's rotting from the inside out. Just, I'm not religious, but I'm not a religious person, but man, if anybody wanted to make an argument for the lack of spirituality, we're just, we're losing our shit here, aren't we? This kid, I mean, did you watch it? You must have watched his

little film that he made before he went on his killing spree for, you know, a kid who's the son of a Hollywood, you know, second-rate director. Kid is a horrible actor. I mean, man, should have taken a few months of Meisner like I did. Would have catapulted him to the top. But this kid was crazy. I guess he was in therapy since age eight. Crazy as a shithouse rat. In my opinion, latent homosexual.

Just watching the first 30 seconds, I'm like, come on. This kid didn't even like girls. All his anger and his hate was really towards himself and why he couldn't figure out why he didn't like women big facade about him wanting you know to get laid so bad i think i don't know and you probably say well why do you think that well number one he uh tried to have his roommate arrested for stealing a scented candle. Not to mention a Katy Perry fan. But come on.

Could you just tell by those big pillowy lips? And he just crazy as a shithouse rat on top of it. But I think he hated women. Period. Not just because they wouldn't sleep with them. I think he just hated them and couldn't figure out why. God. But what a spoiled little brat.

Woe is me. And he's in his BMW. He's just a rich, spoiled, rotten brat. But it almost sounds like it could have been prevented, you know, the cops. When they questioned him earlier. But then you get all these laws protecting people's privacy, you know. And you can kind of see how he fooled the cops by just acting like a shy kid with some social problems. But I don't know, his parents let the cops know

when he was making videos, he had made videos way before he did this shooting. And, you know, nobody bothered to take a look at it. I mean, in light of recent history and what's gone on, it i mean in in light of recent history and what's gone on i mean it seems like somebody might was asleep at the switch again but like i said there's a balancing act between that and privacy laws and how much you can do but even he said in the manifesto if the cops searched my apartment for two minutes this would have never happened um what the hell but just seems like a little bit of a girl to me and i don't believe for a second even like women and i'm not just saying that because he killed some of them i'm just saying i'm listening to him and uh of course everybody's jumping on the bandwagon now. Some woman in the Washington Post, of course, blaming white men who write these movies in Hollywood like Judd Apatow

and blaming Seth Rogen and their movies and how it's escapism for, you know, for white men and they objectify women and all this horseshit. So it's white. Once again, it's white guys to blame. And I'm going to have to listen to all, you know, you're going to have to listen to, I think Michael Moore came out and said that, you know, after this,

that the white man is the most dangerous person out there. Yeah, let's ignore, let's ignore what goes on in, you know, ghettos every weekend across the country. Let's focus on the one white guy that snaps once a year. How simple-fucking-minded can you be, Michael Moore, you fat bastard? It's ridiculous.

That's not fair. You know? Oh, but it just, you know, Judd Apatow's movies, in the end, the nerd gets the woman and shit, and that's not how it happens in real life oh wow that's the most misogynist stuff you can point to you know let's ignore the hip-hop community and uh how they talk and treat women yeah okay

it's a white guy's fault. Gotta be shitting me. But, you know, we live in a country where what's the mantra right now? It's all about inequality, you know? Oh, it's just everything's unfair. You don't think this kid ingested some of that shit? Give me a break. He's like a lot of kids his age.istic but he was crazy he's mentally ill and it uh seems like it went unchecked you know

divorced parents it was a perfect storm but quit pointing fingers you know uh you see the picture? He had a, you know, he goes as far back as a crush on a girl he had when he was like 10 or whatever. She was like a model. He had good taste for what I think is a gay fella. I'm not sure. But can you imagine? Can you friggin' imagine that you're, you know, somebody you, one of your family members was a victim of this asshole?

I don't know. I don't know how you're going to stop it in a free society, you know? This is China, and word gets out you're a little coco. They pluck you off the street, nobody hears from you again. You get locked up in a loony bin. We don't want to live in that type of society, I guess. But, um, seems like somebody fell down on the job here. It seemed like he put out enough signs before he did this

that somebody, somebody should have stepped in. Well, I can't get laid. The girls hate me. I think the girls had, you know, 100% accurate instincts when it came to this guy. You know what I mean?

They can sense a psycho a mile away. Trust me, I've been on the other end of that. What the fuck? Put the woman on the Washington Post. Go shit in your hat. Put your stupid fucking ideology ahead of anything else. It's a good thing we're not a divided country, isn't it?

But, you know, so it's just horrible. Horrible story. How many times are we going to go through? And it's going to keep happening until laws are changed, you know. But this kid, Jesus Christ, he did everything but send it you know shoot up a flare gun saying hey i'm nuts but quit blaming the wrong people it's the first instinct in everybody how about blaming him scumbag shitty parents spoiled rotten although they seem to do

you know they tried to they had the kid in therapy so they knew they knew they had a loaded gun there but what are you going to do the political correctness it's getting worse and worse and it starts here's the thing

online today you, the paper over in London. Here's the headline. BBC mauled for ruling the word girl is offensive. Oh, my God. An MP leads growing outcry at politically correct censorship. Its last political correctness row was over the use of the N-word. Now the BBC is once again under fire, only this time the dispute involves a rather less offensive term. Girl.

Okay? And this is starting out. By the way, all this political correct horse shit always starts out over there and comes across the pond to us. Okay? I guarantee in the next week, feminists over here will be railing against the word girl. The corporation, the BBC, was accused of censorship after cutting the G word from a documentary on the Commonwealth Games. During the program, presenter Mark Beaumont was flung to the ground by a young judo champion, a girl, by the way, and joked, I'm not sure I can live that down,

being beaten by a 19-year-old girl. His remarks were aired in full when the documentary called The Queen's Baton Relay was first broadcast on the BBC in April. But fearing viewers might take offense, the corporation, that would be the BBC, decided to edit out the word girl when it was repeated last week.

There's already, you know, feminists over here who hate the word girl uh critics however attack the move uh tory mp philip davies who sits on the commons culture media and sports committee what the fuck is that i'm sure we have one over here and i don't even know about uh said there are finding offense where none is taken or intended we are going to end up in a situation where nobody is going to dare say anything less some politically correct zilla deems it offensive we're going to end up what is he talking about we're there by the way i'm talking like in a global uh world we're already there at least over here we are it's i swear to god it starts out over there though every time I'm talking like in a global world. We're already there. At least over here we are.

I swear to God, it starts out over there, though. Every time you read something from Mail Online, that's the paper in England, the big paper, there's always shit like this, and it's always like a year or two ahead of us. What the hell else? Even the teenage judo champion, that's the girl in question cynthia romming from the bahamas was baffled i wasn't offended i didn't find it sexist she told the

male on sunday uh can you imagine first of all showing a 19 year old girl like flipping a grown man to me that's even irresponsible i remember watching like good morning america or the today show one of these shows like 10 years ago they had like an eight eight year old girl eight or nine years old karate champion and she flipped this guy who was like six two two twenty and and um i remember sitting there going that that that's that's irresponsible just showing that it's giving girls a false sense of security like that guy that was 6'1 220 pounds couldn't knock her into tomorrow i don't give a shit how many black belts she has that alone is just politically correct and and and stupid anybody that believes that

christ almighty um feminist uh novelist kathy let also join the storm of criticism saying if the athlete didn't find it upsetting and this is a feminist over in england why should the bbc mount their politically correct high horse and gallop off into the sanctimonious sunset exactly oh my god people go nick you should go over to London and do comedy. They'd love you over there. You sure? I'm sure they have speech codes over there in comedy clubs. And viewers expressed their anger at the move.

Andrew Ramsbottom wrote on Twitter, Hi, now the BBC has really lost the plot. We now have the G word that is not PC. Girl is now deemed sexist and can't be used. The BBC has gone and PC mad. Just crazy. But then there's somebody defending it. I hope I have it in here.

Of course not. But there was a feminist over there defending it, the BBC, saying that it is sexist to refer to a woman as a girl. I don't have that page because my printer, you know, I can't fucking figure it out. But anyways, it's only going to get worse. And like I said, it seems to emanate over there in England where the bottom has fallen out and that socialist shithole and and this is the these are the countries that we want to emulate over here but that's uh you know that is just unbelievable to me imagine so don't think uh soon we won't be able to say girl over

here without catching some flack i'm sure it'll be, you know, it'll be like the N-word, the same thing eventually. You know, it's funny. Me and Colin Quinn had a conversation 10 years ago about political correctness, and he said it was going to start to swing the other way,

and for once in my life, I was actually right about something and said, no way. There's no way. It's only going to get worse because the people that hold the blowhorns, which I mean the media, they're there for this type of horseshit.

And it's only getting worse. It makes comedy fun and it makes it a nightmare at the same time because it's fun to go, you know, because luckily stand-up clubs are the only place you can go on and, you know, poke holes in these uh sacred cows but i'm sure that's gonna change i told you in an earlier podcast up in uh canada some some comedian got arrested for making fun of lesbians up there apparently they have speech codes it came under hate speech or whatever. Can you fucking imagine? Oh, my God. What the hell else, kids? Since we've talked last.

My Red Sox, what an embarrassment. Hey, look, I always plug them when they're doing good and I won the World Series. They stink to high heavens right now. They had lost 10 in a row. And luckily, they beat the Braves yesterday. They were down six to one in that game and came back. And oh, my God, are they horrendous. That's what happens when you get rid of guys like Jacoby Ellsbury instead of paying him what he was worth. And, you know, they wonder why. But there's been other things. But, you know, Jackie Bradley Jr., who replaced Ellsbury,

can't hit major league pitching. I've seen enough of him. Great defensively. As good, if not better, than Ellsbury. He's got a gun. Covers a lot of ground. But I'm convinced, man, he can't. He got hot last spring in spring training.

You know, he hit over like close to 400 and fooled everybody. But, man, he looks like he's overmatched. And who the hell else? Like Daniel Nava. He was a guy that hit over 300 last year. They had to send him down to the minors recently because he was stinking it up. But now because of injuries, they brought him back up. But these are guys that they were counting on.

Will Middlebrooks on the DL again. And even when he is healthy, he's hitting like maybe 200. Huge disappointment offensively. And he's not that good in the field, to be honest with you. So they're going to move Bogarts, who's our rookie shortstop. He's the only guy that looks like the real deal. They might have to move him to third. And we had to sign, you know, Stephen Drew, who was our shortstop last year.

That's how bad things have gotten. Napoli's on the disabled list. The pitching stinks. Clay Buchholz. Clay Buchholz. My mother could go five for five against this guy. He was one of our aces. Christ, he stinks.

I think he walked eight people in three innings yesterday or something. So they are in deep doo-doo. Come trade time, they better make some moves. They're like, I don't know, they're eight games out. Not to say they can't right the ship, because I believe in John Farrell, but holy shit, do they stink. God damn it. Who the hell else? Sizemore. Grady Sizemore, who hadn't played in a couple years, and it looks it. He's hitting about 210, 215.

I mean, Jesus. This could get ugly. It could get ugly, could get ugly folks the defending champions it was the longest losing streak in 20 years and if they lost yesterday it would have been like 80 years so anyways oh like i said i think they can right the ship but right now i actually shut them off the other night i've never done that in my. It was like watching a little league team throwing the ball around. God damn. Horrendous. Had a little burpage. Excuse me. Had octopus twice this week. I'm like Tony Montana. I got fucking octopus coming out of my ears, you know. Have you ever had octopus? I love it. It's like a a really like it's a great protein if you try and not you know stay away from carbs it's freaking delicious it's easy to cook to go online if you don't know how to looks ugly it looks like uh you know looks like a fetus that you'd find in the uh in a toilet at a prom in new jersey or any other prom but uh, it's really good. You cook it on the top of the stove,

you know, in simmering water for like two hours. And then, then it's as soft as a baby's ass. And then you can grill it. You can grill it like chicken and it gets all charred and then put it over white beans. Oh, mother of Jesus. But anyways, I digress. I like to cook. I cook like a bitch. It's really one of my favorite things. It's therapeutic for me. Maybe somebody should have gave this Elliot Rogers some cooking lessons. He would have mellowed the fuck out. But good riddance to him.

Let's talk about this Frank Rich. I don't know if you're familiar with Frank Rich. He was a New York Times Broadway critic and then became a political columnist for them. Real lefty. I mean, makes Obama look like Newt Gingrich. But, you know, he has his nose in the world of entertainment. He's a consultant on the show Veep, like I'd ever watch that.

Fucking HBO makes me want to shit blood. Ugh. Have I seen this show? Just horrendous. But he wrote an article last week in New York Magazine. And the title basically, and I'm paraphrasing, Can Conservatives Be Funny? And, you know, makes a comparison and basically says,

is it because Hollywood has a bias against them, you know, showbiz in general, or is it they just don't have the chops that a Stephen Colbert or a Jon Stewart have? And let's dissect this article because he was wrong on so many goddamn things. Again, bright guy, but just doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to this shit because I've lived it, okay? I have personal anecdotes. I'd shoot a hole in all these stupid arguments. He asked the question, will conservative comedy ever work?

And I'm saying not in my lifetime. This is my uh my theory on it because um this country over the last 40 to 50 years have been weaned on liberal comedy okay you can't deny that they don't run the media in general okay and that's what the country's been weaned on comically and the fact that we live in this politically correct environment where you can't say anything all that that whole environment's created by guys like frank rich and people who think like him politically who are offended at everything and uh the pool has been tainted even people that find me funny if i do an off-color joke about women gays or whatever and

those are the targets the natural targets of somebody that will be coming from the right. Even people who agree with me are afraid to laugh out loud sometimes because of the stigma. They might be labeled racist or whatever. So, I mean, this stifling climate, you know what I mean? You're never going to break through, I don't think, on a mass scale as far as being a right-wing comic which is and that's the other thing he pits you know those terms are very broad conservative versus liberal comics

doesn't you know i i get pigeonholed as a conservative comic because i lean right on you know two out of 20 issues and show businesses is so left that they want to throw me in you know i can i don't even argue with the term anymore when they go you're concerned i just nod my head but i'm really not i mean i have five minutes on abortion jokes right now that that if i ever did them down south you know with the so-called evangelist they'd arrest me because i i don't uh i don't give a shit about abortion and for gay marriage. That doesn't bother me. But in showbiz terms, because I went after Patrice on Tough Crowd

and made some jokes about women or whatever. I'm labeled like a conservative comic, which I'm not. Anybody who's seen me, I like to attack anybody and have fun. It's almost like a make-believe fight. But to deny that the business is run by lefties, Frank Rich is just kidding himself. And I really believe that. That not in my lifetime you'll never see a conservative comedy show, you know know be a giant success because the the pool the pool has been tainted until that changes and it's not gonna um the first thing he does is um

he he mentions uh well this might be a bunch of baloney. The right, like the left, has a habit of overplaying the victim card, given that there are many, he says, and I emphasize the word many, out A-list Republicans in Hollywood, from Rupert Murdoch, first of all, when you hear Hollywood, do you think of Rupert Murdoch? I know.

To Clint Eastwood, to David Mamet, to Adam Sandler. So he mentions four right there. Doesn't that tell you something? He mentions four out of the 50 zillion people in Hollywood that are in show business. It would seem that all the paranoia about left-wing McCarthyism is unfounded. Really? So you've mentioned four, just the numbers alone. If anything, he says, the history of networks canceling liberal comics, McCarthyism is unfounded. Really? So you've mentioned four, just the numbers alone.

If anything, he says, the history of networks canceling liberal comics, whether the Smothers Brothers, and then he said 1969 is when they canceled the Smothers Brothers. So that's good. You had to go back 45 years for an example. Or Bill Maher in 2002. By the way, the last time I checked, he's still working and flourishing, isn't he? He said something so reprehensible back then. It was right after 9-11, and he said the guys that flew the planes weren't cowards.

Remember all that? Let me check my computer here for a minute. I better shut off my Wi-Fi for reasons I can't get into. Yeah, so Bill Maher was off the air for what, 30 seconds? And he said something about the guys that flew the terrorists that flew the planes into the buildings weren't cowards. But you can make an argument. He says that the U.S. Army dropping bombs from the sky were cowards, whatever.

The point is it was so reprehensible, it didn't matter what your political affiliation was, you'd get booted either way. And he was off the air for five minutes, like I said. But here's the other point he misses when he mentions these people, these so-called famous Republicans in Hollywood. None of those guys, and I'll add a few more. Bruce Willis, if you got Tom Selleck,

Gary Sinise. None of those guys announced at the beginning of their careers that they were Republican or lean to the right. It was all after they, you know, all after they had millions of dollars in the bank and they were rich and famous that they felt secure enough to. Let's ignore that fact. Conservative comedy is hard to find on television once you get past the most often cited specimen, Dennis Miller. But is this shortfall the fault of a left-wing conspiracy to banish brilliant dissident talent from pop culture center stage? And I agree with some of that. You can't use it as an excuse, but you can't ignore it either. Are conservative comedians languishing in obscurity

because they just don't have the comic chops to compete with Colbert, Stewart, and their many brethren? And again, he's comparing guys like Colbert and Stewart, who are brilliant, by the way. I like both those guys a lot. They're really great at what they do. But when you talk about them now,

and, you know, they have a writing staff of 15 people, and you compare it. He brings me up, Greg Gutfeld, Dennis Miller in this article. And you guys who know my comedy, you can listen to all my CDs. Would you call me a conservative? Do I rail about abortions and stuff? I mean, come on. He's comparing a show,

you know, successful show host to, and Greg Gutfeld's not even a comedian. He'll tell you that himself. You know, Dennis is the only one, but here's where he gets me nuts right here. He goes, what do conservatives find funny anyway, is the very notion of a conservative comedian and oxymoron, given that comedy by definition is often the notion of a conservative comedian and oxymoron given that comedy by definition is often the revenge of underdogs against the privileged i don't know whose definition that is i i don't this and and this whole this is an antiquated notion saying that uh that um you know the left represent the downtrodden and and people on the right the republicans are all you know we represent the privileged what horseshit obama got more money than any presidential candidate in the history of this country in 2008 from wall street people so that's that's that's old and that just don't fly anymore

i'm and i hate that definition that comedy is, it's revenge of underdogs against the privileged. I just, I'm not buying that. One of my favorite sketches, by the way, and again, this is just a funny example of that

on a smaller scale. It's Monty Python. Remember John Cleese gets in the ring and he's a boxer and he's beating the shit out of like a 95 yearyear-old lady? I mean, hilarious. I can laugh at any of that.

I don't, you know, this whole notion that you're going to be from a fucked up family and have low self-esteem and be like a, you know, kid who was bullied to be successful in the arts. Such baloney. That's right. Colin was making fun of me. I guess he was talking, Quinn was talking to some other comics at the table about me and they were laughing how I come at it from a winner's right. Colin was making fun of me. I guess he was talking, Quinn was talking to some other comics at the table about me, and they were laughing how I come at it from a winner's perspective. Not a bully, but like, you know, you got to be, you show me a good comic,

I'll show you somebody, you know, the real funny ones are Bill Hicks. He couldn't have been more cocky. He had no self-esteem issues. Or Sam Kinison are the ones, you know, this notion that you got to be, you know. And, you know, SNL, yeah, they go after supposedly the powers that be, but I just, like when they go after, you know, Obama,

they'll make fun of, you know. Well, how could they ignore the website thing but they take you know kind of innocuous shots at their targets they cut a little deeper in my opinion when they go after people on the right but they do actually do a pretty fair job I would say of going after both sides but that definition

of comedy to me seems really outdated. Later on, he talks about, oh, he talks about the half-hour news hour aired by Fox. That was canceled after 15 episodes. I don't know, it was a few years ago. I don't know, probably five, six years ago. It was canceled after 15 episodes. I don't know, it was a few years ago. I don't know, probably five, six years ago. It was canceled after 15 episodes. But the problem there is it was on Fox News. You can't have a comedy show on a news channel.

Do you know what I'm saying? Fox News is a brand. You can't, you know, you can't be saying stuff off color and like i said those are the those are the uh taboo things that comics on the right would go after that you know it would get a new any news channel in trouble in these politically correct times so you can only cut so deep i do red eye all the time that he brings up red eye yeah that's on at three in the morning i guess they move it to 11 on some nights but um i can't be myself there or any other comic that leans a little to the right you can't you know i can't i mean i remember the last time i was in there gut fells getting his like

makeup done and he's like nick we're talking about gays on the show tonight so be careful he's wanting me from his makeup chair um but i couldn't i couldn't you know in a perfect world i could say all the stuff i said on tough crowd and and but are you kidding me they wouldn't let me back in the building so how are you gonna do a uh a comedy show out of that same building and and represent that brand without getting in trouble that's what i'm saying it's it's been tainted that's why even uh they're gonna try a new one not fox news but there's another i'll get into it in a few minutes somebody else is gonna try something called the flip side i guess but um then he goes after us like you know dennis miller and um he says uh the real problem and this is also the case with david

mammoth's right wing ruminations is that he's talking about dennis miller is that his tone has become preachy he too often seems a pundit first and a comic second. Really? How about C. Bill Maher, Mr. Rich, or Janine Garofalo? That's not fucking preachy? Come on. The ranting monologues Miller contributes to the O'Reilly factor in the same stylistic vein

as Louis Black's comparable segments for The Daily Show, but they lack the saving comic grace of Black's implicit self-mockery. Miller takes himself too seriously to levitate into the comically absurd which is i think utter horseshit um his nancy pelosi insults calling her cruella demented and batshit crazy are so generic they could be hurled at any despised liberal oh sort of sort of like when Bill Maher called Sarah Palin a cunt, you mean, Frank? Sort of like that?

Only way more mean-spirited than anything Dennis has ever said? Come on, you horse's butt-toot. Hmm. Then he goes off to kind of of gutfeld a little bit unlike miller who drops into fox news for the occasional actually he mentions a gutfeld it's more of a wisecrack guy greg gutfeld is a uh signature personality on two fox shows but gutfeld is more of a wisecrack artist and a comedian that's okay so he did get that right and uh like mill and other comics on the right, is careful to label himself a libertarian.

So damaged is the conservative brand. Damaged? It's not that it's damaged. It's that you can't say it in Hollywood. Until, like I said, you're rich and famous like Kelsey Grammer. You're not going to

announce that the day you get to LA. i vote republican and but i disagree with everything you idiots say so but like i said i don't argue with it if somebody i'm too tired now somebody calls me conservative comic fine who gives a shit but um his targets he's talking about gutfellah are the usually shop one suspects some whom are so far removed from the main arena of the 21st century liberalism that common complaints about them are dead on arrival. Like much of the right, Gutfeld can't stop fighting battles from the 60s that are increasingly baffling to post-boomer audiences.

Yeah. He can't stop the battles because you guys keep them alive. When's the last time you've been on a fucking college campus, Frank? It's like 1968. Between feminist groups and civil rights groups fucking whining with their speech codes.

What are you talking about? All these battles are still alive. You keep them alive. So don't blame Gutfeld if he has to fucking battle them. What are you fucking talking about, you dick? Ugh. Gutfeld, if he has to fucking battle him, what are you fucking talking about, you dick? Yeah. One of Gutfeld's more provocative riffs of relatively recent vintage

was his proposal to open an Islam-friendly gay bar next door to the so-called Ground Zero Mosque. All due respect to Gutfeld, that was my bit. I did it a couple years before he did on my showtime special raw nerve um i said they should build a 30 stories hooters next to the mosque you know and uh we should share the pa system at five o'clock you know with the prayers and try a buffalo hot wings three for a dollar it was more to the bit i can't remember it was years ago uh but uh that's the one uh joke that

he gives credit for it wasn't a laugh riot yeah it was but his point about liberal double standards of tolerance uh did have a basis in reality thank you frank you're actually complimenting me the bit was a twofer because it hit a pair of prime conservative targets at once elitist liberal hypocrites um and muslims islam routinely conflated with both jihad and obama yeah because they're mutually exclusive right frank you well obama i don't conflate uh islam with him but uh with jihad i do has been the most reliable staple of right-wing comedy since 9-11 what are we supposed to ignore that shit and then when we do he says you know uh the stand-up comedian nick topaloolo cracked that Obama stuffed the stimulus bill with pork

because he's trying to prove he's not a Muslim. That was a good joke. Even he liked it. I said that joke on a Hannity show. And Sean Hannity, who, you know, a little conservative in my taste, but a great guy. His face turned white. It was so funny. He couldn't get the camera off me quick enough.

And the other guests were laughing their ass off. That's a great freaking line. You know, I knew that was a great joke because I got feedback from both the left and the right, thinking I was taking up their sides simultaneously. I don't know how I meant it. You know, I thought it was kind of an innocuous joke. But that's a good one, folks. You gotta be...

When you get people to the left and the right going, hey, that was, that was great. He brings me up later on, too, but let's get, then he goes up to Jeff Dunham. You know, Jeff Dunham

and Peanut, the puppet guy who is as commercially successful, like he says, as anybody alive. The gift of a tool, because Jeff Dunham and Peanut, the puppet guy who is as commercially successful, like he says, as anybody alive. The gift of a total because Jeff Dunham, as commercially successful as a conservative comedian as there is, and one of the most successful touring comedians in the country period. Yeah, but he's not known for his political stuff. He's best known for Ahmed, the dead terrorist.

That's one of his puppets. A puppet given to one line is like, where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me? Ahmed can be funny, not least because he is a goofy, not hectoring comic creation. Now, you find him funny, Frank, because it's coming out of a puppet. And Dunham has a worthy comic nemesis in terrorism, much as Mel Brooks did, you know, with Hitler. But then he says says the trouble with this material is its inevitable shelf life as 9-11 and its ensuing wars keep receding into the rearview

mirror of american memory yeah you're right terrorism still isn't uh isn't relevant what are you what is this guy fucking high thanks to obama's uh foreign policy those jokes will be relevant for the next fucking hundred years uh you know so i don't know what he's talking about there it's still relevant but again it's coming out of a puppet so it's innocuous to him i guess um so i you know for a smart guy i think he really has his head up his culo here um but it's telling that while conservative comics pick on undocumented immigrant hispanics and other minorities who don't have the standing to fight back so what do you want me to do what does that mean am i supposed to get out of the welfare office or tell jokes at the fucking border in Arizona

so they can shoot at me if they don't like any of my crap? What's he talking about? He's talking about conservatives. They rarely have the guts to make a direct as opposed to an encoded joke about those Jews held guilty of ruining Christmas. I have a joke about that.

He doesn't know my... Frank would like me if he saw me in person. Because when I perform at the Comedy Cellar, I do this shit right in front of, you know, black tables, tables of lesbians, Asian people. It's on the campus of NYU in the village. You're not going to find a more diverse comedy audience. But he's saying that we sort of back down.

You're not going to find a more diverse comedy audience. But he's saying that we sort of back down. As far as nobody doing jokes about Jews that ruin Christmas, I did one about, you know, today was so politically correct. If you have a creche or a manger, you know, a manger and a lobby around Christmas time that you have to have other religions represented. And there was a Jewish group that wanted to make sure they had a menorah represented if there was going to be a manger scene. And I said, that makes me feel uncomfortable, not because I'm a Christian,

but because the manger is, you know, filled with hay. And the menorah has eight candles. It's a fucking fire hazard, for Christ's sake. And I made a lot of Jewish jokes, okay, on Tough Crowd. And I get called on the rug for it. So don't tell me there's a fake bias. After about the second episode, they had to have a meeting with me, Colin, and they actually reduced my role from two shows in my contract.

They wanted to kick me off the show, and Quinn had to save my ass. They wanted me off the show completely, saying I was making Jewish jokes, but when I was doing the Jewish jokes, I didn't have a smile on my face. So I demanded to see the tape. I was like, what a wolf. Let's go to the videotape. And they gave me one to take home,

and I watched it, and the jokes were killing. What is the difference whether I'm smiling or not? It doesn't mean I'm frigging serious. And yeah, they wanted to boot me off the frigging show. And i won't mention the names of the uh people who wanted to do that i'm sure there'll be some legal if i did uh problems but um yeah it was a very weird meeting

it was all uh you know it was like uh we don't want you to be that i remember calling on you we don't want you to be that guy i'm like what does that mean what guy so um yeah i get called out and they reduced me to once a week and by the way in the last couple weeks i've had kids come up to me, when I was out in Tempe, some, this Latino kid came up to me, I mean really Latino, he looked like, he looked like Native American, and he had long hair, and like braids, he was like in his mid-20s, early 20s, loved tough crowd, the kid was more conservative than me, it was great and and he had like five friends of them who were big fans of the show and uh it happened again and and uh in uh manhattan here i did a club the other night

standing out on the sidewalk uh at the stand and again a bunch of kids in their 20s they were watching it when they were like 15 14 and i absolutely love the politically incorrect aspect of it. So why aren't those shows on DVD like Tough Crowd? That's the first question, and I don't have an answer for them, you know? And then he talks about sometimes conservative comics do surface in bigger liberal venues. The blue-collar guys have appeared on Comedy Central. But again, they're not what we're talking about. As has Dunham, whose Christmas special set a ratings record for the network.

That guy's a monster, Jeff Dunham. Monster. I remember reading an article. He was complaining'd he'd only made like i guess he he he knew his career was falling a dump he only made like a million dollars one year or something that's that's how we knew he was uh his career was on the wane and then he had a resurgence and made like 38 million between his uh all his memorabilia and his puppets and uh his whole commercial enterprise, there's like 38 million when you, I mean, a monster. Nick DiPaolo has appeared frequently on Louis,

and in season one, he and Louis C.K. erupted into name-calling and fisticuffs over their political differences. Then in parentheses, they are friends offscreen. It's true we would i would never mean we would never come to blows because he knows i'd choke him out um no we would never get that excited about politics uh in his act apollo's obama jokes are nothing if not innocuous and then he quotes my joke this guy i'm I'm talking about Obama not really being black. This guy makes Brian Gumba look like Flavor Flav. You see how he cherry picks? I also said other stuff about Obama and about health care on that special,

but he picks the one joke that is light, you know? When he complains to Louis C.K. that the white guys don't have a voice in this country anymore, you'd have to wonder if the real problem is that the voices of white guys like DePaulo's won't pay the bills. I guess he means with a network or personally? I don't know. But the white guys don't have a voice in this country anymore. That was written by Louis, not me. And I would never say such a generic statement.

Does he realize I didn't write those lines? Maybe he thinks that whole scene was ad lib, which it wasn't. It was all scripted. Louis wrote it all. That's why he won the fight. But, that's just silly, isn't it?

It's a revealing little victory that reminds you of in colbert's notorious oh he talks about how um it's a revealing little victory that reminds you that conservative comics rarely make fun of their own camp as liberals so profitably do in colbert's notorious 2006 monologue at the White House first of all yeah that's who did they invite to the White House uh one of the most liberal comics at the White House correspondence dinner his mockery of the Bush administration was matched by his skewering of the liberal press corps in the room yeah and like a like a like a friggin conservative or whatever you want to call it comic wouldn't do the same? That's always part of that dinner. Liberal comics also routinely invite conservatives to participate in their shtick.

Could anyone imagine a comic of the right like Gutfeld at Fox mixing it up with liberals as frequently as Stewart and Colbert have with Gingrich, Rand Paul, Huckabee, William Crystal, Jim DeMint, McCain, O'Reilly, and countless others. No, I couldn't imagine that either, Frank, because those libs would never lower themselves or be allowed to go into a show on Fox News Channel, would they? It's their fucking archenemy, according to the president. Yeah, I can see Gutfeld mixing it up with those guys, but they wouldn't lower themselves. The Chris Christie scandal showed the right's timidity in confronting its own sacred cows. By contrast, John Stewart was relentless in ridiculing a liberal fiasco,

the Obamacare launch, and the administration's hapless defense of it. His interview with kathleen sabelius inflicted more damage than any fox news i can't even it's cut off anyways um yeah of course uh of course how could you not go i mean john stewart in the daily show obviously, you know, speaking truth to power. How would they ignore something like that? And Noam Dorman, who owns the Comedy Cellar, we were talking about this specific thing. And he goes, of course, Jon Stewart went after these guys because obviously, you know, Obama's his guy and health care is the is the big thing on the menu and anybody who fucked it up would be

an enemy of of john stewart's and whoever you know is all for obamacare so of course they're gonna go after him i thought that was a pretty good take by gnome dworman he's the guy that owns the uh comedy cellar and sits at the table with us just like his old man used to and uh that's where tough Crowd came about from that table. So, again, my take on the whole thing, and again, that's taking nothing away from guys like John Stewart and Colbert who are brilliantly funny men, and they're really great at what they do. But I'm just saying, when you can only bring up four big names,

you know, that lean right in Hollywood, and Adam Sandler, by the way, I don't see him out there, you know, he's not like out there wearing it on his sleeve that he's a Republican, but my point being is, I don't think it is going to ever work. Just because of the world we live in today.

You know? Everything out of my mouth would offend somebody. But I wish like Frank Rich would, you know, actually wander into the comedy cellar. And, you know, see that you can't just categorize this as conservative versus liberal. Most comics are sort of down the middle. But when you call, you know, when you make jokes about frigging the knockout game and shit, does that make me a conservative or am I just going after something that's insanely fucking stupid? I don't know.

But come on, he was a critic, a Broadway critic for the New York Times. Could you get any more left? That's about it, kids. Short one today. I guess that's it. Where am I going to be? Tonight, stand up New York.

Tomorrow night, the stand. A few people in the area. And then, where am I going? June 13, 14, and 15. The Improv, Fort Lauderdale. That's the Hard Rock Casino, I believe, in Fort Lauderdale what's the hard rock casino i believe in fort lauderdale um yeah in july i'm gonna stick in the city stay in the city to work on the new stuff you know work on the new stuff it's fun i've already uh i've already

had a good good month writing-wise, for new stuff. Let's see. August 2nd, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. That'll be a great gig. Improv in Atlanta. That's August 21 through 23. That'll be good. It's nice.

My agent sends me to Atlanta in August and he'll have me in Winnipeg in February, but I haven't been to the, I don't think I've ever done the improv in, uh, well, years ago I did. Oh, that's the, that's the club. I got, I told you the story about that. That's the club. When I came out one night, this is Christ 15, 20 years ago. I told you the story about that. That's the club when I came out one night. This was, Christ, 15, 20 years ago. I came out of the club, and I'm getting into a cab, and some drunk chick comes up to me by herself without her friends. I guess she was at the show and goes, let's go. She gets in the cab with me, and I'm trying to get her out, and she wouldn't. I said, okay.

And she was really shit-faced, and on the way to my hotel, she's like, stop. I'm hungry. Pull into like a 7-eleven get her a bag of like nachos and uh no she ran in and came out with nachos and salsa and and devoured the bag in about eight seconds i swear to god and all the salsa and then like we're watching tv and all of a sudden she goes i gotta go to the bathroom she goes in and i'm watching tv and uh you know she shuts the doors i had like a suite and uh then after about 10 minutes, I'm like, oh, my God, did she die in there? And I open the door.

She's laying on the bed, and there's a puke like next to her. Salsa, a trail of salsa on my bedspread on the rug. And I wake her up, and she gets all belligerent and starts swinging at me. Oh, to be single again. Like I'm going to kiss her with that breath and then uh i had to actually call the uh front desk and they call the cops and had the force at her freaking leave i pushed her out the door and she started banging on it she woke other people up that's when i call the front desk and they call the cops the court. Woo! Good times.

I think that was the same trip I had to go to the free health clinic. I had chlamydia from a previous trip. Good thing she's lucky she threw up. I would have given her a dose of that. That was fun, sitting

in that free clinic in Atlanta. Oh my god. It almost makes me happy i'm married now i said almost so uh that's about it real quickly uh you'll probably hear this tonight so range is a game away from going to the finals and the the L.A. Kings, to me, look like the best team of the four that are left. Can't count down Montreal yet, but that Crider guy crashing into Carey Price, the Canadiens goalie, and putting him up with the series, that was key. Although this kid has been pretty good that filled in for Carey Price. But so you get the Kings and Rangers a game away.

That will be an L.A.-New York final. That's a lot of shitty travel. I'd hate to be those guys. But to me, the Kings, I don't know how, they couldn't score all season. They look like the best team of the four left. Anyways, that's about it, kids. Like I said, if you're in the New York area tonight, stand up New York, and tomorrow night the stand.

in the New York area tonight. Stand up New York and tomorrow night The Stand. And enjoy the rest of your week until we talk next time. Rinse those dirty asses. Good night

until we meet again. Adios au revoir. We'll be right back. guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm