The Nick DiPaolo Show - 033 - Fixing Nick: Matarese 2

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

Fixing Nick: Matarese 2

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo back at ya Monday I'm depressed I don't know why I'm depressed on a Monday It's not like I'm in school Like when you're a kid you're bummed out I'm a comedian It might as well be fucking Wednesday

Doesn't matter But I still wake up in a shitty mood maybe it was the guys bringing shingles to do my roof that's nice it's 15 dimes anyways uh let's get business out of the way squarespace the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio for a free trial and 10 off your first purchase go to a squarespace.com and use offer code and nick that's n-i-c-k uh you know you don't want to try to build your own website folks that's unless you you know you went to devry and you're a genius but um it's very there's people who do this there's guys who don't get laid their whole life, and they study this stuff.

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code nick to get 10 off your first purchase and to show uh your support of the nick the polo podcast we thank squarespace for the support of the nick the pololo podcast. We thank Squarespace for their support of the Nick DiPaolo podcast. Squarespace, everything you need to create an exceptional website. Hey, hey, Joe Mattarese is in the house. This is the beauty of having at least a couple of comic friends

that live up in, you know, 10 minutes from Albany where I live. And I called Joe at the last second. And sure enough, his kids are off at school. His wife's doing her thing. And Joe was weeding the tomato garden when I called him. It's pathetic that I was like, I can do it now. That is not pathetic.

Right now. No, that means you're a man of your own destiny. You're controlling your own destiny. Yeah. Would you rather be right now a bank teller? No, it's great. Wearing a shitty purple suit. I made a tuna sandwich and then I came.

That was all I did. I just ate a tuna sandwich, looked at my list of shit that I had to do today, and I actually had them all done except for one thing, which was I have court tonight. What do you mean? For a ticket, and I couldn't find the slip that they send you with all the information, figuring out where you got to go and what exact time. Wait a minute. Why do you have to go to court?

Because I just did this a couple months ago. Yeah. Were you doing 110 in a school, sir? No. I looked at my iPhone while driving. I guess they're, like, cracking down on that. Somebody caught you? Caught me just looking at my phone. He goes, I saw you look down at it.

And my son was in the backseat. You shouldn't be driving with your kids and looking how do you know i wasn't looking down on my balls that's why i'm fighting it that's got to be easy to what kind of police fucking nazi come on really yeah he's like uh you know it's i'm thinking what you need like a top-of-the-line mer to have a complete Bluetooth system in your car. I mean, you got to still touch your phone to make it do the Bluetooth shit. I got to touch the button and say, call Nick DiPaolo. I can't not touch it. I don't have the phone where you can touch something.

Oh, you don't? I do. You don't have the car, you mean. Yeah, I don't have the car where I can do that. Yeah, you just go, call S-Face. But you don't have the car, you mean. Yeah, I don't have the car where I can do that. Yeah. You just go call S-Face. But you don't have to hit a button somewhere? Well, you don't have... No.

You just... I forget how it works. You have to go through the steps. Yeah, you probably... Okay, I have... It's right on the steering wheel. Yeah, I have that. There's a thing on the steering wheel.

I have answer or hang up, but I don't have... Call. You don't? No. I'm sure answer or hang up, but I don't have call. You don't? No. I'm sure that's in there, Joe. Go through the manual. What are you driving, a 68 Beetle? I have a Pacer.

I have an old Pacer. Oh, didn't you get a hard-on as a kid when a Pacer went by and you had an ice ball in your hand? It's like a fish tank on wheels, remember? It was 98% glass. You could just pick the kid you're gonna it's like the popemobile that's exactly right it's like a lottery the thing they pick the lottery balls out of i remember drilling mr burke in the face he didn't have an amc pacer he had his window down it's like a wednesday night nine at night me and my brother in my driveway after a snowstorm and uh mr burke goes by some reading he's got his window open on the driver's side, like halfway down.

On a cold winter night. I unleash a fastball. The thing was like Papelbon worthy. Right in his window, right in the side. You could hear it hit. Me and my brother are fucking, we sprint behind our house. All of a sudden we hear the phone ring like three seconds later because he lived right down the end of our street. He saw you do it?

Well, who do you think did it? My mother? He knew. Yeah, he knew. It was like, you know, your son just hit me in the side of the face and I was like, and my brother denying everything.

That reminds me of another story. My Uncle Bob, he liked to hit the sauce back when i was a kid yeah and every once what the hell was that every once in a while my uh he'd he'd pull up he lived in sale in the town over from us every once in a while the cab would pull up at like uh midnight one of the morning my uncle would stumble out of it banging on our door right so one night a cab pulls up again me and my brother outside throwing snowballs and shit i'm on the top of a snowbank, right?

Things like 10 feet high, I'm not kidding you. I'm in like, what am I, maybe sixth, seventh, sixth grade. Cab pulls up, my Uncle Bob stumbles out of it, climbs up, pushes me off the snowbank. I land like on my back on the hot tub, frozen hot tub, smash my head in. He was shit-faced. He was just being fun. I thought he was, you know, being funny. But it only knocked the wind right out of me.

Oh, boy. Anyways. My uncle used to try to do that. I didn't like that. When your uncle would discipline you like your dad because your dad wasn't around. Did you ever have that? No, I had one touch me. No, I didn't.

Really? You had an uncle? I had an touch me. No, I didn't. Really? You had an uncle? I had an Uncle Chick. Uncle Chick is like. Here's a guinea for you. Uncle Chick could bench you when you were like 20, like off of his chest. Like you could stand on his arms and he would lift you. Yeah, that old school guinea strength.

Yeah, old school, just strong. He was like, he's one of those guys. I told him he should have his own reality show because he can fix everything. Yeah. Like there's not, it's not like just electric. Like he can do plumbing, electric. He could put a roof on everything you could possibly do. And because he knows how to do everything and he's such a nice guy that everyone in

the neighborhood is like, just call Chick. And like every town has a Chick and they rip them off probably. Yeah. So I used to tell him like, you should have a reality show where you go, I'll fix it, but I'm going to teach you how to fix it, and I'm going to fucking tell you how to do it. And I'm not doing the whole job. Sort of like your show, Fixin' Chick. Fixin' Chick.

So Uncle Chick, I remember one. We had these all night. This is going to sound really, you'll have fun making fun of me for this. This is your brother's dad? No, this is my mom's. No, this to sound really, you'll have fun making fun of me for this. This is your brother's dad? No, this is. I mean, your dad's. No, this is by marriage, too. It's my mom's sister's husband. He lived across the street from us.

And I went to an all-night skating party. This is like, I don't know. It's pretty gay. This was like a week ago? This is like probably ninth grade when they would have these all night things. Are you skating or roller skating? Roller skating. Oh, for the love of Christ, Joe.

All night. You'll have to go now. You'll have to put you down. All night? Yeah. So you'd leave it like midnight and it would go to like 7 a.m. Were you raising money for cancer? Why the all night?

I don't know. Fucking silly horse shit. And I snuck out. My parents said, you can't go to the all night i don't know fucking silly horse shit and i snuck out my parents said you can't go to the all-night skating party and i i had this friend mike bovino he's sneaking out mike bovino's parent his dad like abandoned the whole family they hadn't seen him since like uh like fourth grade or something he just disappeared yeah he was that guy and he and uh oh man he was allowed to do whatever he wanted because he didn't have a dad.

So I used to bitch to my parents, Mike's allowed to go. Why can't I go to the all-night row? You can't go. Tell Mike you can't go. Because you're from a nuclear family that's still intact. So I had Mike come down to my backyard. This is how old it was. I think I had parachute pants and a members-only jacket.

Threw it out the window to him, then ran outside and jumped in his car and went to the all-night skate. So now, of course, you're exhausted when you come home. It wasn't even fun either. The all-night skate sucked. You go because you think you're going to meet girls. Of course. There was no girls there. and uh there's no girls there wasn't it's all guys on roller skates there were girls

there but i i had no skill i couldn't roller skate what very well i couldn't pick up girls i sucked at picking up girls until i became a comedian but but isn't the role and you're married but isn't the role of skating just an excuse to meet girls to meet each other? So what do they give a shit if you couldn't skate? I mean, if you pulled up in a Beamer and you were that good-looking kid. I wasn't that good-looking kid that could talk, that had the fucking skill of hitting on girls. I had no skill. Young George Clooney?

No, I would just stare at them and be like, I love her, that girl over there in the white skates with the pom-pom things hanging over skates i love her i couldn't couldn't come up get the guts to talk to her i know it's tough yeah so so i i still remember falling asleep on in the booth like that's where you just hung there was like a little snack bar you know that was like the spot and we just hung there this was hilarious i fell asleep on the table because it's an all-night skate i wake up everyone everybody had thrown ice down my shirt put fucking paper on my head i'm like you mother all my friends just fuck were you drunk no so tired 80 year old man it's an all-night skate it's till 6 a.m i fell asleep at like 4 30. it's till 6 a.m i fell asleep at like 4 30. so i come back home i fall asleep and all of a sudden this is how strong uncle chick was uncle chick because of my dad wasn't around my mom grabbed

him he came into my bedroom and he goes yo you think you're gonna sleep that's all i hear and he just pulls the whole mattress out from under me like it was a magic trick or something. And I just went flying. He's like, get the fuck out. He was like that uncle that cursed at you. Oh, my Uncle Al. Yeah. My dad's brother.

Uncle Chick. Uncle Chick. But those guys, you're right, though. They can do anything. They were born general contractors. Yeah. You know know his fingers were like fucking like three inches wide yeah like sausages yeah huge yeah chick yeah i had an uncle al my brother my dad's brother and every time i bring him up growing up i'd bring up they did some guy with like my dad's age would see my last name and go, are you related to Al De Palo?

And I go, yeah, that's my uncle. And he, oh, every one of them goes, he was a mean son of a bitch. To a man,

they would say. And I said to my father, what the, why do they always say? He goes, well, your uncle Al is like a,

you know, tough guy. He, you know, he was a great football player. He got a scholarship. But he was like, my father said he got tossed out of one high school game because he showed up drunk.

He showed up drunk for his high school game? He played drunk. Yeah, the ref smelled booze on him. That's awesome. But a big, tough guy. And he had a wicked temper. I worked with him for a summer. My dad wanted to teach me a lesson.

Thought my dad thought I was getting too big for my britches. And he makes me work with my uncle. He was mason old school kins alone i did the same shit with uncle chick i had worked with him for a summer he drove uh he he uh he did pools and shit like like uh who do i know what's his name did pools in that movie uh the bad news bears wasn't walter matha like a pool cleaner yeah my uncle chick did yeah and he's like all right you're gonna come with me and we're you're gonna clean pools for the summer that sounded easy you know what they use the clean pools yeah acid yes they pour acid on them and they just fucking burn your eyeballs out of your head and he would just walk through that fucking

steam like it wasn't even there yeah he died at what 36 he's still a lot of fell out he had his first heart attack at like 40 but he's fine now yeah my uncle he's uh he he you know he couldn't work for a commercial firm because he's like a little bit of an artist a genius as far as he would study each stone or brick for 10 minutes before he laid it right i mean just crazy particular but does the most unbelievable work but he was a maniac i mean you know he tried to throw my dad off a roof when they were kids when my dad was working with him when he first started and then uh he he threw a brick at some guy some kid gave him the finger that he was working with this was when he was in like in his 50s or 60s he threw a brick at some kid from the room and uh i remember just trying to you know

just he showed me how to make mix the cement the mortar and then i have to go up this ladder carrying two buckets of it right in each hand i'm climbing a ladder with no hands like leaning forward you know i mean i get it up there i bring them in the mortar then i go back down and mix me he's swearing at me. This shit's too thick. And I'm like, you gave me the fucking recipe. What are you yelling at me for? Just real particular. But just, you know, just a hard guy.

And I got more of a him in me than my dad. My old man's a little bit of a maniac, but I got more of my Uncle Al. I think my brother Greg got more of my dad. More of a cordial guy. You got the crazy uncle. I got a little more of the uncle in me. And same thing, he had a heart attack, too, because he overweight and, you know, and then smoked like a chimney.

Yeah, so did this guy. Had a heart attack, and he quit smoking, I think, for about a month, and then went back to smoking and cutting wood, you know, by hand with an ax. Just, I love him. Love him to death, man. Just old school agains alone. So that end of that story was that I'm trying to beat the ticket tonight. Someone told me you could just, told me on the With the tickets for

How did we get on Chick? How did we get to Chick? I have no idea And we're all just skating What was the It was the Tough uncle pulling you Disciplining you

I don't know how the hell we got there How did you get You started with a ticket All looking down at your phone Looking down at my phone And someone told me That you could That if you go try to beat it,

that they've tried to do that before, and they'll go, who's here trying to beat a cell phone ticket? If you want, you can just pay $50, and we won't give you the points. I'll take that if they offer it, because it's like a $150 ticket plus like four or five points, I'm not sure. But I don't know. I lost that slip of paper. Can I just call and find out where i gotta go do you need the you just went to court did you have to hand them something speeding and um yeah i did they didn't have it

all on file right there in front they didn't no what if you didn't have that piece of paper what would have happened so you have to make another day. Are you serious? You might get up to a year in jail in Turkey. No, I don't know. I don't know. You had to have your paper, though, your stuff. I don't have it. I believe.

You'll find it, one of the kids, probably. Look in the minivan under the dirty diapers. So how did the cop bust you? What was he hiding? Where was he? Yeah, he was like hiding. There's this little road that goes from New Rochelle to larchmont larchmont's like the richer area and i was going from one side to the other and uh i he was right i mean i hope the cop's not listening to this podcast but i looked down for a second at my phone and was like and i think it was like a picture on my phone i think

someone texted me i was like oh what picture did i. I think someone texted me. I was like, oh, what picture is that? And I hit the phone. And then I put it right back down. No, he is right. He's right, yeah. I'm going to try to beat that. Points. Yeah, mine was speeding and whatever the fuck. I had to go because I was 31 miles an hour over the speed.

That's an automatic. You have to show up in person. Oh, yeah. And it was going to put me up there points wise i already had a couple in the last 18 months or so right it didn't put me quite over where they could have taken my license i just cleared it by like a week my last one was 18 months and a week prior so i just cleared like losing my license but i still had to go because i was 31 miles and over the speed limit right and um yeah i've done a lot of that i had to go to queens i had to drive to queens to to you know you go in there it's like a third world country place like a monkey cage this is large mon it's

probably at a resort yeah large mon every time i hear large mon i think of that old all in the family when archie was caught in the uh elevator with the pregnant mexican couple remember in the family when Archie was caught in the elevator with the pregnant Mexican couple. Remember in the black? There's a nicely dressed black guy in there. No. And Archie's busting his balls. Excuse me, the black guy goes, I have a three-bedroom ranch in Lodgemont.

Archie goes, I bet your neighbors are pumping their buttons over there. The guy's a great actor. The guy that plays... I still see him. He doesn't even look that different. He's got to be 88 years old, this guy. But anyways. What the heck?

No, Joe. Last time I saw you at the stand, you said you were going to... Is it America's Got Talent or Last Comic Standing? America's Got Talent. America's Got Talent. What's going on? I can't tell you. Oh, you can't talk about it because it isn't...

I can tell you when we stop doing your podcast well let's put it this way i didn't come in smiling you said you look i said my back hurts but you know yeah oh i can't tell you how it went but i'm not did you hurt your back trying to blow up blow one of the judges? In about two weeks, I can tell you. Really? Probably. I don't know. You might see me air on, you know. Well, that's what I mean.

We're going to... No, you can't give it away. July is when there are all the live shows. But the ones that I recorded, they taped already. But they call you the week of and tell you you'll be on this week so i didn't get a call so i know i'm not on this week they could edit me all the fuck out they could edit me out of the whole fucking thing i just don't understand these contests i'll never do one again yeah this was the hardest i've ever uh the longest work it was insane yeah

every nothing right every comedian i know would have walked in the middle of the process i was like why am i still here yeah it was like detention it was like jury jury duty which you got out of it one day it was like it was like seven straight days of that you should have done what i did he showed up with a wife beater with blood on it and a pair of sweats with a shit stain in the back and they still question you that you. That's how desperate they are for jurors. They go to me. At one point, they go, who has a problem with the jury system itself? And I'm like, I raise my hand.

I'm like, are you already shitting me, Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson? Yeah, I got a big problem with it. You said that? Oh, yeah. And they're all fucking, the lawyers of Brow beat me. One of them was laughing. You're not supposed to yell shit out. I was like a kid in a classroom.

You know what I mean? This is how I know. How do I get out of here? This is why I know I still have the DNA of a comic. I'm fucking raising my hand, yelling shit out. Well, I do a bit about it. I do a bit about the jury system. And, you know, I go, yeah, I realized that it was,

jury system's kind of bullshit after the O.J. Simpson case. Let me see. O.J. has Barry Sheck, F. Lee Bailey, eight lawyers. They all went to Ivy League schools. They have about 1,000 years of education amongst them. I wonder if they can confuse the 68-year-old cleaning woman who could fight at the Red Roof Inn because you couldn't master the hospital corner technique. The fuck?

That's true. Ever think about it like that? I never thought about that. It's fucking, man. I got a bit out of it. You just heard some of it. technique the fuck that's true ever think about it like that i never thought about that fucking man i got a bit out of it you just heard some of it uh part of my new stuff are we are we gonna uh let's we can shit on last comic standing though that's uh did you watch any of it i would never i've never seen an episode of it not even from season one i would love to just sit down and watch that show with you i saw a commercial for it in season one.

And I just saw how everybody gets a standing ovation. And it was so insulting to what I do for a living, what you do for a living, that I was just repulsed by it. Well, this year, I don't know if you saw who the judges are. I did see a commercial. Was it J.B. Smoove? J.B. Smoove's the host the host yeah and then you got uh russell peters russell peter and you got nice guy by the way i never met him sweetheart roseanne roseanne bar okay roseanne bar and keenan ivory way isn't it unbelievable well here's the thing that's

that amazed me i'm watching it this is why you got to hate reality shows and all comics and all performers. You should know this, but I mean, the judges, one, they really don't have much say. It's producers that are deciding. Someone's telling them who to say goes on. They're really just there to talk, to deliver the news that somebody else handed them. to deliver the news that somebody else handed them. And then, on top of that, then they need types,

so they start casting it like, okay, so two guys, we need two girls now. It's not like who's the best performer. And that doesn't just go up to reality shows. That's how our country runs today. Yeah. Especially in show business. Show business, it's bad. But any contest, I yeah especially in show business show business it's bad but any contest i don't you i don't give a shit but it's the food network yeah every you

gotta have an indian with a full headdress and eskimo puerto rican with one leg two black guys that means you have to have two white guys and asian kid it is it's a silly so i'm supposed to believe every time there's a contest no matter what what it is, whether it's comedy or the Food Network or whatever it is, that's how it breaks down. The five funniest people. It just happens to break out perfectly. Exactly. Demographic-wise. It's stupid.

What a crock of caca. It's everything that I detest. Well, I respected Roseanne because I thought she was like a great comic in her day. Roseanne was a funny broad. Yeah, really funny. And then she's like, someone goes on who's terrible. And you can tell by the way they edited it. They made it look like they were really funny and then she's like someone goes on who's terrible and then you could tell by the way they edited it they made it look like they were really funny you know they just edit it well and

put big applause in and all that shit and then it cuts to roseanne and she's like ah you were great i'm like come on you were a comedian you know when someone's not great there's hardly any they're they're all fucking comedians you never heard of there's like two or three that you go oh this guy's good but like fuck did you know all this about reality shows before you said yes to uh america's that's what's pathetic like i can't i did last comic standing season one and i remember it really hurt to get the no because I knew that I just did well. Like, I knew that I delivered. I had a great set. And then Barry Katz pulled me aside and said, this isn't about comedy.

That's what he said. This isn't about comedy. He admitted it. He got in trouble, by the way, Barry. Yeah, he lost the whole show, right? He got in trouble. He doesn't have it anymore. I think not. What do you mean he got in trouble i don't know i remember there was a

big scandal i don't remember the details but like he was pulling strings behind the scene he was managing guys yeah managing guy it was a conflict of interest yeah and and i almost can't blame him because everybody knows that's how it works he probably went out but uh yeah they should do one with all uh comics and wheelchairs last comic sitting i want to get that politically correct you know i mean yeah so so i will i will never do a comedy con please not don't let me ever do one again that's my wife because you said that the last time you did last comic standing and then you showed up for america's got talent you know you've done both i did last comic standing season one i mean that's like that might be 10 years ago

i know already is that the one dad van one yeah he won that year he won that year and then uh exactly i'd say it was about 11 months later, he was washing my windshield at Sunoco. That's weird. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. No, it isn't weird. It makes perfect sense. Even if he sucks, he had three good minutes.

But you would think he would still keep trying. Three good minutes he had. And if you did it, you'd be considered racist. Weren't they all making fun of his mother and how she talked and stuff? Well, Ralphie May, I think it really helped his career. It did. So that's why you do these contests. You think it's a way to help.

Well, again, and I guess. You know who was in it with me this year was... I do. Okay, you do? Yes. The female? Do you know who the female is? No, I don't. Oh, yeah, you don't know that. What, in America's Got Talent you're talking about? Do I know her?

Yeah. I do. She's been on. You don't know that. What? In America's Got Talent you're talking about? Do I know her? Yeah. I do? She's been on Letterman a bunch of times. Had an HBO special at one time. A one hour probably. A one hour special. It might have been when they had the half hour show. Is she married to a comic that I know?

No? Is she married? No. She's not married to a comic. Oh. I was thinking Bonnie McFarlane. No. Not Bonnie McFarlane.

Okay. Phyllis Diller. Oh, let's switch subjects. I just thought of a good subject that you would have. Did you see the Don Rickles tribute? No, I didn't. I don't watch it. I'm not invited. You weren't invited to that?

I wasn't invited either. Not that I would say. I'm kidding, obviously. It's not about comics either, right? It was like Tina Fey. Tina Fey was there. Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler.

The same six people every time there's a big event. Letterman. David Letterman. He's not always there. It was kind of fun seeing Letterman. No, I didn't watch it. But those old clips that they show of Rickles is what makes the special. Well, I know, but that's why I watch a documentary on him.

Yeah, that's true. So how was it? it was really good he looks like he's uh not gonna be around much longer no he's 88 he was zinging people from his chair which was well that's why he is he really is he has it in his dna man he had a good one on seinfeld what'd he say he said uh he goes yeah jerry seinfeld's here uh yeah he's a he's a bull he's a bunch of fun he goes i uh i went in a car ride with him once it was like driving alone that was funny who else did he slam he had a really good one you probably find it on youtube City Slam. He had a really good one.

You'll probably find it on YouTube. No, I wouldn't do that. He looks... Well, he was sick recently. He had that flesh-eating disease on his leg. Oh, he did? Yeah. He was on Letterman a couple weeks ago talking about it. And he looked really gaunt. I mean, he looks... Has anyone

compared Jim Norton to Don Rickles? Oh, yeah. I say that all the time. No, I said Jimmy all the time. That's just what you're going to look like. You know? I even just mean style and everything. I find them similar. Style, why?

The fucking, I don't know, just the look and the... Is Rickles doing a lot of fat cunt lip jokes? Probably. My wife's sitting there. Yeah, no, I always and uh looked just like a young rickles yeah definitely uh but he he rickles looks like he's not gonna be around again i don't know if it's because he just got over this flesh eating problem he was in the hospital and uh but he looked very gaunt he had a cane because of the leg thing but it took him forever to get to the couch, and

his face was like really skinny. It almost didn't look like him. Yeah, he looked odd. Yeah. But his mind was all there. Oh, yeah. Sharp as a tack. Vicious.

My wife's grandma just turned 101, and she's all there. It's so weird when someone's that old, and they're fucking mentally fine. Well, yeah, because I'm 52, and yesterday I walked in the kitchen and I stood there for like 10 minutes going, why am I looking for a Diet Coke I opened two days ago? I'm fucking losing my mind. Me too. You too? Yeah.

Well, you're on drugs, though. You take a... I think they stopped working. I've been just feeling depressed for no reason. My wife gets mad at me. I try to verbalize your depression because it makes me feel better to just say it we're on our way to philly this past weekend yeah oh this is a good one to bring you you didn't have any gigs this past week but this was a funny weird gig i well i worked in the city but i don't count those as like

ping oh well you did that's performing yeah that's more than what i did i did some auctioneer where i was actually an auctioneer and they thought i had experience doing that because what because i told the girl over the phone i go yeah i do tons of fundraisers i've done i've done tons of auctioneers but i auctions telling jokes i meant doing stand up at the events right so i show up and they're like you got to host the silent auction i go i never done one of those they said you've done these i'm like i like, I've done stand-up. Oh, you hot shit. How did this go? So this actually ended up going pretty well. Because you're a comedian, thank God.

No, because one of the guys has done auctions. I said, let him be the straight man. Let him do all the auction stuff, and I'll just make jokes here and there. Right. And who was that? That was Vanilla Ice? So now you got me confused of what the fuck I was just talking about.

Auction. They said you got to do an auction, silent auction. Yeah, so we go down to Philly. That's what I was going to say. I'm driving down with my wife and two kids, and I go, I'm just kind of in a bad mood. I even said for no reason.

I go, I just feel shitty. I feel in a bad mood. And she's like, oh, gee, we're going to have a good time with my friend. Well, I can't just say it. I go, I'll be good by the time we get there. I'll be fine when we get there. See, that's a real marriage thing.

I don't get that. I can't see. Because they whine every time they don't feel good. But I open my mouth, and they start with you. Oh, I'm sorry. You're the only one that can be in a shitty mood. I forgot. You're getting excused because you bleed five days. Oh, I'm sorry. You're the only one that can be in a shitty mood. I forgot. Yeah.

You're getting excused because you bleed five days. Oh, you can't even use that anymore. But I'm going to make it six if you keep your mouth open. So I get to this. So I do the gig the next night. We went a day early, stay with my wife's friends. They live in this insane mansion. We did a web series episode about her rich friends.

All her friends that she went to Georgetown with all live on the main line of philadelphia it's almost nicer than westchester is that like haverford that area yeah that's where they live in haverford it's my sister she lived in haverford it's beautiful right yeah it's like near villanova it's so nice over there sick money oh yeah yeah she Coke, but go ahead. No, kidding. Like they live in good school systems and they still put their kids in private schools that cost 30 grand a year. I don't think my nieces and nephews have ever seen a public school. Yeah, they won't do public schools, those people.

They're like, no. So they had this guy, Eric Bazillion, was on the bill, too. Is that his real name? That's his real name. I wanted to make fun of him. Please tell me he wasn't rich. He was the lead singer of the Hooters. Do you remember the Hooters in the 80s?

They were big like when we were. Just the ones that I visited in Florida on a road trip. I came home with my hand smelling like fried chicken and I had chlamydia. The Hooters, yeah, the musical group. And We Danced was one of their songs. Yes! All You Zombies. He was the lead. Lead singer. And that's his name? Eric

Bazillion. I was gonna do a joke like, yeah, you're destined for fucking money if that's your name. Yeah, exactly. I go, my mom's maiden name was fucking, what did I say? Do for nothing. Something. My mother's last name was Government Cheese.

That's one word. There you go. Nice. I'm stealing that. You're not stealing it. You can have it. So Eric Bazillion from the Hooters played after me. So big names they got.

Yeah. Guy with Men Without Hats was busy that weekend. It was funny because you do these gigs. I don't do these gigs a lot where it's like you could tell like this is a normal gig. I had to tell them. I'm like if Eric Bazillion's kids didn't go to school with your kids and he wasn't connected to this foundation, he'd probably be getting 40 grand to do this tonight. That's true. You know, we're in a backyard, a big stage, you know, be getting 40 grand to do this tonight. That's true. You know, we're in a backyard, a big stage.

Oh, my God. This is a nightmare to me. It was outside. Yeah. And did they know that you were a comic? Is that why they said? Yeah, they go, we want to have a funny guy. And do the auction? Some of my wife went to college with was running,

helping the organization. She said, let's get you to make the auction funny and i i go well this is what i normally get i'll do it for half of that because your friends of ours will come for the weekend and hang at your mansion they live in this huge house oh god that's just my kids play with their kids so uh so then uh we go there i even brought beer during the day and like helped them fucking stick all the beer in the backyard of the party. And Bazillion was classic because they go, do you want to go first or should Eric Bazillion go first? And I'm sitting there thinking in my head, what's going to be better here?

Because the whole party is down on the fucking lawn and the dance floor is way up high on the top part of the backyard. Jesus Christ. I'm sweating just thinking about the setup so i go uh i go fuck i'll go first i go maybe it'll be bad to go on after the band i mean i'll just go first oh he had his band well no there was a band after him so i wasn't sure if he was playing with the band after he was gonna play all alone you don't want that turned out he played alone so i go I'll go first. And I'm like, I'm preparing myself now.

You know, fucker. I got to go first. It's not fully dark outside yet. Okay. Can you get those lights? I'm telling them they had these lights, but they were behind the stage. I go, can you move them to the front? They're like, no.

I go, the extension cord does not reach. They're like, no. I go, all right. Make them white and crank them. That's all I can do. All right. So all of a sudden, like no like all right make them white and crank them that's all i can do all right so all of a sudden i go i'm like all right i look at my wife i'm gonna go on and next thing i know i see bazillion up there with his guitar and this girl like with her guitar and i'm like motherfucker he's changed his mind he's like pre-medana in or something i'm like he decided

that he that all of a sudden that yeah when they told him that as soon as he heard i wanted to go next he's like hey i want it then and i go get him the fuck off the stage i'm going get him down and they got him down right and it was funny because this is why i say my medication might be wearing off even my wife's friends go uh the day before they go yeah you've been funny lately i feel like your edge is coming back. You're getting your edge back. I'm like, oh, really? That's cool. Oh, no. I go, maybe that's bad.

So I come on stage, right? And I have all these notes from all the items that we have to do the silent auction on, right? You're a hockey player. One of them was, or a hockey fan. One of them was an ex-Broad Street bully. This guy, Joe Watson. He was on the flyers you know he is his brother yeah broad street bullies who's a joey joey watson and jimmy okay joe and jimmy

watson right two stanley cup yeah love them so one of the awards was to get to skate with the alumni team joe watson's 70 right so he's coming towards the stage. I go, let's have him come up and talk a little bit about this thing that he's donating. He was donating the chance to get to play with this guy. So I said, wouldn't it be funny if he played on the alumni team and he couldn't even get on the stage, right? And he got a laugh. And then he came up and he started to talk. And I looked at him and I go, just cut to the chase. Can you say a boat?

Just say a boat. And he fucking just ignored me you can tell he didn't want to joke about canadian accent and he's a canadian yeah he's from really northern way up there way up yeah so uh let him do his spiel oh so then the lights are you know they're blaring from the side of me all of a sudden some lady to the right goes could they turn the lights down blaring from the side of me. All of a sudden, some lady to the right goes, could they turn the lights down? They're glaring in my eyes. That's what she yells at me. I go, how about moving? I go, I can't fucking, I can't read. How about without those lights?

How about you move six feet? Oh, you did have that. I said that. That's very on Joe Mattarese. That's old me. Old me came up. I like the old you. Yeah, he's old me. Old me came up. Well, you better let... I like the old you.

Yeah, yeah. He's good. Take the dosage down. It's on... I'm the lowest dose. Well, then get rid of it. I want to see... This is...

Wait a minute. This is a great thing for you. Here's what you do. You know like Brian Reagan goes to a city? He'll do two different hours. No, I don't know about that. Yeah. You get tickets.

I forget. He does a deal with the tickets where you can come see him like a Friday night. The next night, he'll do a whole different hour. Oh, so you could go two nights in a row. Yeah, two nights in a row. When did he start doing that? A long time ago. But you should do that.

Comes Friday night, one with medication. Then come see the real Joe Metairie Saturday. Come on. That's a good hook. I might use it myself. The problem is that the meds take probably about a month to come out of your system. If I went off him for one day, it wouldn't do anything. He'd have to go off him for about four days.

It's all a farce anyway. Just pretend. Every four days, I do a gig with him. The second night. You can do that on medication, can't you? I do it every night. I would have called that lady a cunt like right at the right at that thing it's like a fundraiser for some guy that passed away that's something i would have done oh don't do it yeah

uh hi so i would have your wife caught you sucked into that whole thing uh no i i she her wife my wife's friend contacted me said would you want to do this i said she good luck the wife's right yeah she's pretty hot joke it all spoiled me when i said that he should sit his way live in a mansion and the husband does well oh that's right ugly wife well she's the stay-at-home mom yeah she's doing they're doing so every time i go to their house there's three new restoration hardware pieces of furniture. I'm like, how do you afford three new? Every time I go there, there's like a fucking new couch.

What does he do, the old guy? He's like a financial type guy. He's cool, though. Yeah, but in layman's terms, what does he do, Joe? He's cool. He's one of those rare, cool financial guys. Hey, this portion of the Nick DiPaolo podcast brought to you by Harry's. It's a great company that makes great razors, folks.

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We had one hooter playing there. There's like a mastectomy joke there that I know I could have made. That's what else sucked about the gig. There was like a lot of like a lot of curveballs in the gig. They're like, listen, this guy just died. And then this woman just had both her breasts removed. Yeah, then you know what? You don't want a comic.

I'm fucking... Let me tell you something. I get about eight minutes... They were cool, though. The crowd was cool. I'd say there was about 50% non-Americans, and I thought that was going to make it suck. I'm getting to the point where that's making gigs better.

Non-American audiences, I find are fucking small. I need to find non-American. There's a lot of French people who were there. They actually don't live here? They live here for like, their company sends them here. Yeah, they get a green card

and they work here for like two years and then they go back. Yeah. A lot of those people were at this party. Yeah. English and French.

And you find that because they're not so PC, you mean? They're not, yeah. Which is're not yeah they're a little which is odd because you know the political correctness movement really starts in europe and all that shit comes this way believe it or not from england ever read this shit that goes on in england the political correctness it's beyond fucking the bbc they did some story on uh uh this like 19 year old karate girl,

the judo champion or whatever. And she, like, you know, on the TV show, she, like, flipped this guy. It's like, you know, full-grown guy. And he goes, like, you know, I don't think I'll ever be able to live down losing to a 19-year-old girl. So the BBC blanked out the word girl. Oh, yeah. Because it's a hot button thing you talked about that on your podcast right there you can't say girls yeah which you know it'll be a matter of time

before the lesbians over here jump on that i'm a feminist i shouldn't say lesbian just feminist in general i would think british people would be well i always hear i always hear that i hear when you know when i do gigs people come up to me. They're from, like, England. You should go to London. They would love you over there. Meanwhile, there's speech codes and shit. It's like maybe years ago, I know Dennis. They love Dennis over there and Hicks, right?

Yeah, they were big there. Yeah, but it's turned into such a nightmare, man. I mean. But they didn't touch on race and stuff like that and politically correctness they just kind of i think slamming america is what they like because i remember i performed in london once and they just booed me just for being from america like if you want if you go over there at the wrong time when they hate our president you like they hated george bush to the point where they connected me that's true yeah yeah that's true. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's...

So the audience is just as stupid over there, is what you're saying. They blame... They connected you with Bush. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're a little too passionate about the wrong shit. Fucking Nimwits. That's all I heard in the 90s. Every time I did Caroline's, people come up to me with English accent and say,

You got to go to London. They will love you. You should try it. Fuck that. I performed in England in the Manchester Comedy Festival. And it just doesn't, my act doesn't translate anywhere. Mine doesn't either. I don't like it.

I don't give a shit. Right. Some of it got laughs, but my stuff, my references, I do referential stuff. And a lot of it's American. It's very American. Some of my way I turn a phrase. Right. And they don't get that. And that's where I kind of live and breathe.

Right. You know? The word twat doesn't fly away. They have something else. I don't use twat. But I'm just saying, I hated it. And every time I've done, you know. That's why I thought I wasn't going to do well at the backyard party.

When I got there i go yeah we need something like a hand truck to carry this beer he's like oh you need a you need a hand trolley i was like oh shit there's gonna be a problem trolling my wife gave me a hand trolley we're talking to the very funny joe matter race joe matter he has a uh a web series called fixing joe right jo Joe? You can still check that out on officialcomedy.com. 13 eps. I'm actually doing a gig at a theater

in Westchester this Friday night. You are? In Mamaronek. The Emelin Theater. What is that? Joe. Is that June's Friday? The 7th? Let me look at my phone. No, that's Friday the 7th? Let me look at my phone.

No, that'll be the 6th. The 6th. I will be at the Emmeline Theater on Friday night. What the hell is that? That's a small theater in Mamaroneck, New York, right next to Larksmouth. How many seats? I think it's like 300. It's small. Yeah, that'll be a comedy club.

Okay. We calling that a theater now? I love 300 seats. 300 to 500 max is perfect. Anything that's too big. I love 300 seats. Three to five hundred max is perfect. Anything that's too big. I agree. In Mamernick? No, where'd you say?

I said anything bigger than that is too big. It's in Mamernick, yeah. Yeah, that's where Joan Rivers is from originally, by the way. Is she? Absolutely. I saw her perform at Mamernick High School. Right after her husband Edgar died. Really?

He had a benefit. And the air conditioner was broke. It was like 110. Oh my God. It was her first time back in public after her husband Edgar died. Really? He had a benefit. And the air conditioner was broke. It was like 110. Oh my God. It was her first time back in public after her husband had committed suicide. And I tried to commit suicide halfway through the show. Was it bad? Oh, it stunk a bag of cheese.

Was it really? Oh, mamma mia. And I like John. What, because of the it was an auditorium? A hot auditorium? She was rusty and how can you be funny? Your husband just... Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, it was kind of... But it was a thrill. I get to meet her after and stuff. Any other comics you paid to see in your career? Gallagher 2. I scalped tickets, 200 bucks.

I don't know if that was a good deal. Terrific, funny guy. No, I don't. Have you ever? Paid to see another con? Yeah. No. Did you pay to see Joan Rivers?

It was a benefit, I think. Okay. I can't remember. Barry Katz, yeah, brought me. He was my manager at the time. Okay. Yeah. My wife and I paid to see Brian Regan in Stanford, Connecticut, probably about a year ago.

Oh, my God. Really? Yeah. And we went backstage and met him, and I could tell. You didn't know Brian? You don't know Brian? No. Someone I know knows him and said, oh, I could have got you free tickets.

I go, I don't mind paying. My wife loves Brian Regan, so I said, let's go see him. I go, I don't mind paying. My wife loves Brian Regan, so I said, let's go see him. So we have backstage tickets, and we meet him. And it was just a little awkward, I guess, because I'm a comic. And then he knew I was a comic because I guess Mick Henley set it up, put me on a list to meet him.

And he's like, hey, I watched your Letterman, he tells me, right? And I'm like, oh, cool. Typical comic, I go go which letterman which one of mine he goes i don't know you the 2007 i go fuck that's my first letterman that one sucks i hate that set what he said he was like oh yeah you stumbled on a word he noticed where i stumbled i was like fuck one of my comedy idols and the fucking guy watch a set that i hate such a comedian he um man he was one of the first comics i saw when i came to new york city hanging out at catch a rising star that was the place yeah and i remember sticking my head in when he was on and just totally going oh my god

i'm going back home yeah i'd only been doing comedy two and a half i had no business being in new york right half year three years and he just, he was a school teacher or something or a substitute. He did a bit. I don't even remember how the bit goes, but it was about breaking down a sentence. You know how. Yeah. It just, it was, it was beyond funny, smart. And I was just like, oh Jesus.

Was he in the crouch yet? I don't think he was doing the crouch then. He wasn't at the crouch yet. But he would stand up and do that little, he straightened his back. Yeah, that thing. Brilliantly funny guy. I mean, and he said something. I remember I was on ONA with him years ago, and he said, all of a sudden, you know, I said, what was it?

What specifically when you started selling tickets? Was it one? He goes, it wasn't with me. He said, it wasn't one thing. It's just years and years. All of a sudden, he goes, wasn't with me he said it wasn't one thing it's just years and years all of a sudden he goes to what started you know i always have that in the back of my head because it looks like the route i'm taking if it ever happens me too well that's that's what steve martin says in his book that's born standing up who the guy that wore an arrow in his head

no we talked about hosting saturday night live and like if he did doing that once helped and he said no but by like the 10th or the 11th time, it started to make him this huge sensation. But I think you missed the point I was trying to make. The point was just from doing stand-up and not doing something as high profile as SNL, he became famous. I mean, if anybody did 10 SNLs, it's going to make you fucking famous. Right. Right? Right. Well, I mean, he was Steve Martin. You don't get to do SNL until you're famous. Yeah. I mean, if anybody did 10 SNLs, it's going to make you fucking famous. Right. Right? Right.

Well, I mean, he was Steve Martin. You don't get to do SNL until you're famous. So what the fuck? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what he's talking about. Maybe that arrow penetrated something important. Maybe I'm wrong and he's talking about tonight. Johnny Carson's, maybe.

Maybe it was 10 Johnny Carson's. But I just, I kind of find it inspiring with Brian, you know, because Brian was like a road, you know. Right, right. But killer act. Right. Where the people say, I'm coming back. I like when I see a comedian develop a draw just from being such a good stand-up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to have scoliosis by the time that happens. Well, you got the special. What's going on with that? The new one. The new one. You know, still shopping it. It's a long process.

These, you know, they go, yeah, we'll look at it a week from today, and that turns into two weeks. But nobody said no, and nobody said yes. It's still out there. And you could still sell it yourself on your website if you wanted to. Yeah, but I don't want to. I mean, eventually, if I have to do that, I will. And it's a killer special.

It's just fucking. Yeah, but I think that is what can make a comic start drawing. Like, Sebastian Maniscalco is really drawing because of a Showtime special. I know you hate hearing that stuff. Sorry. No, I don't. He's a funny guy. No, it gives me hope, actually.

Right. He's not doing theaters, but it's a guy that... I mean, he's on the road every week. I think that helps, too, if you're one of those... I can never be that guy that's on the road every week You don't want to be a road comic? No That's hard

But that's how they build the draw right? Oh yeah when you're young and you start out He's not young What do you mean? He's in his 30s No he's in his 40s Is he really? Yeah look at him he's got gray hair and shit

He's 44 He's a funny guy yeah he's not young good for him i don't know so yeah yeah and this one would this is a killer hour i did in minneapolis it just has to be seen but every time you shop around well suzy from comedy central has to look at it and then she'll give it to barbara the fuck are you talking about? Is there a guy for Christ's sake that can relate to me? And then Tina Mitsuchuri has to look at it at Netflix and she'll hand it over to Tin Sang Haing. This is who's looking at my fucking specials. Isn't there a guy fucking named Ted who would get kicked out of fucking college, who would appreciate the jaded shitty attitude

someone told me that if you walked i forget it was some tv got producer guy because i was telling i was pitching some sort of fucking scripted show and he goes if you walk in and you're pitching anything that's comedy and there's a woman sitting at the table just leave that's what he said you should just who told you that it that? That's the best advice I've ever heard. It was a guy. No, was it an executive that told you that? He was a producer. He had his own production company, and he's been trying to sell.

And what did he mean by that? Did he explain? That women don't get it. They get the funny part. You'd kind of laugh because, well. I love this guy. What's his name? Can he help me?

I'll tell you his name after we shut the show off. Why? Shut the podcast off. I can't say his name now. But there was a thing on America's Got Talent. I watched it last week where these guys are doing this. They're like two guys doing this fake karate. And the guy's like real weird.

And they're doing this weird karate bit. And Howard Stern and Howie Mandel are on the floor laughing at it. And I was laughing at home. Yeah. And Heidi Klum and Mel B. Oh, for Christ's sake, she's a supermodel. They're like, we don't get it. And he's like, you guys don't get comedy.

And he actually went off on them a little bit. Stern did. Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's who's fucking in charge. Yeah. Twelve years ago, I walked through Comedy Central, Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's who's fucking in charge. Twelve years ago, I walked through Comedy Central, through the offices, and saw maybe three guys, and I'm like, mother of Jesus.

If I was making shoes, I'd be a superstar. Not to sound too sexist, lady. I'm sure this will help it get bought. But I wouldn't think anybody who's looking at it would take the time to listen to my podcast and learn something about me but you had another one sold so what's the difference what do you mean you had this isn't your first special you had another special that you sold no exactly so what's the difference this one's better and this one's way funnier and done in a small venue so why is that one i don't know who the fuck knows time the timing i don't know i i don't know yeah maybe you know i mean is that one on netflix now it's been on for years okay i don't know if

it's still up there is that who bought it first uh no showtime so showtime sells it yeah exactly and they get i wanted to go directly to netflix with this one right and it's killer it's funnier than the last one and i know it'll it'll it'll bump my numbers up here's a little you would never ask i know you but here's one that would work yeah i was him i was gonna say my buddy on gq magazine who the guy that just made uh todd barry probably a fortune and uh and what's maybe not huh i know he made uh tig notaro well yeah tig so that whole cancer story behind it. Well, that's what I'm going to do. You need to lose the left nut.

I already did. I'm going to lose it if this thing doesn't get made. No, but I talked to Louie. I talked to Louie at his wrap party, and he said, shop it around first. Because I was talking about the website. He goes, believe it or not, and he was telling me, he goes, even mine,

he goes, they don't sell that well on the website really he says i heard tig sold like crazy okay because she's uh there was a story behind yeah she's the story behind it and so todd barry's might not be making as much i don't know i don't know maybe it is or it isn't but but but louis you know he's saying i can't get a hold of him he's on a yacht for christ's sake shooting gq covers i can't get a hold of this freaking guy it's my old roommate for christ's sake so uh so he's saying you would do better with a network than he would because of the marketing machine he said you know i mean they get behind it and and promoting it wise and stuff you know i mean there's like a a marketing apparatus that's what he said but but but he said you know but no he'd do it i'll put it on a site right i'll put it on mine you know but uh he did no he's uh okay he's just so busy man he's

in the king of the world right right and it's so funny looking at him and you know how hard i laughed when i saw the gq because if anybody is the antithesis of gq it's my buddy louis i mean some of his specials he's got like a T-shirt with like a stain on it. That's what I loved about him when I lived with him. I saw him on Charlie Rose wearing a dirty shirt. He is a guy. He really is a regular Joe, man. I mean, look at that suit.

I'd kill for that on the cover of GQ. Well, I was thinking. He looks good, too. We were talking about it at that rich party we were at because I guess on Charlie Rose and maybe in a couple of his interviews that he's been on talking about the new season that he had some gig at the Javits Center

where they had all these really rich people there and he went on after Elton John and the people were talking over Elton John. This is a true story. Yeah, this is true. Louis tells it on Charlie Rose that he went on after Elton John and the crowd was not listening to Elton John. He goes, how fucking rich are you that you just talked over Tiny Dancer?

He's like, you got to be kidding me. Unbelievable. Yeah. Did you see that episode when he played down on the Hampton? You watch the Louis show? Yeah. Matter of fact, tonight I'm on, folks. Are you?

I think so. I think it's going in sequence this whole elevator thing and i think tonight i have a little scene with him at the bar with the girl uh talking about dating i'm giving him advice at the bar about the girl he's dating the foreign girl tonight but it was weird because last week they opened the show he's watching the tv and it reports lebron james is killed in a hurricane that was supposed to be that's how my scene opened. And I'm like, oh no, did I get cut out of this fucking thing?

But then I watched the episode and the plot points follows. He sleeps with his broad. Then he talks to me about it at the bar. So I think that's tonight. But they use the LeBron James killed by a hurricane news thing on the TV at the comedy. So that's how my scene opened.

But I think he edited it and used it for this. Right. I'm hoping. I'm too behind on my DVR. It's so funny how big and famous this guy is. It's crazy, right, when your friends are that famous. I've never seen it. He's the closest I've been to to see somebody explode like that.

Yeah. Well, he's the biggest there is right now. Absolutely. No, and he's here to stay, man. He's like our Woody Allen. Right. No. He's no flash in a pan. Yeah. Well, he's the biggest there is right now. Absolutely. No, and he's here to stay, man. He's like our Woody Allen. Right. He's no flash in a pan. He's loaded with talent.

Everybody loves him. Everybody loves him. Just like Raymond. I like Ray. Ray's the nicest guy. Those are the guys you're happy for. Ray couldn't,

Ray Romano couldn't be a nicer guy. I think he's a very good actor. Him and I listened to him on some podcast recently. Maybe it was Maron's. He was in my acting class. Was he? Joanna Bexson.

We did a scene together. He was my dad. He was playing my dying dad. It was supposed to be a dramatic scene. Was he good? And the class was just cracking up like we were doing a comedy. It was so... No, I remember seeing Ray in the acting class going, he's so shy.

What is he thinking? He's a great comic. He should just do comedy. Right. Kind of fast forward 18 months. Now he's doing all drama stuff. He's good. He's on parenthood.

He's good. He's talented. And he's the sweetheart of a guy. Yeah. You know? I played softball with him. And Judd Apatow I like. Judd was... We did Young Comedians 20 years ago he was he seems like the same guy i see him on the tonight joe he seems

like this humble guy you know yeah and then they're trying to pin the santa barbara mass shooting on his mobile what a fucking crock that one unbelievable what else you got on your list i wake up depressed joe do you is that on your list? I wake up depressed, Joe Do you? Is that on your list? The last couple weeks That's just maybe you What is that? I'm awake

But oh, no, here's the thing I know you got it going He's got a wife and 11 kids Joe adopted two Native Americans Now as long as I'm home by 345 When that bus pulls up I've been right behind it before There'll be a guy there to pick

There'll be a guy there to pick up your kids How about this? I have a dream when that bus pulls up. I've been right behind it before. There'll be a guy there to pick up your kids. How about this? I have a dream at least once a year about Janine Garofalo, me and her boyfriend and girlfriend. Really? I swear to God. It's almost clockwork, at least once a year.

And it's never sexual, but we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It's always kind of warm and fuzzy, and we get along great. Explain it to me. I just saw her last week at the stand. I like Janine, by the way. People laugh. I find her attractive and cool. I've met her a few times and she's way cooler than I expected because she has that toughness on stage and then off stage.

I was like, oh, she's like a normal. She's kind of a kitten. Yeah. She's like a nice girl. Yeah. Her politics, she's fucking, you know, she's lost her mind. Yeah. And it should say the same about me.

But I always liked her. You know, I started in Boston. She started a little ahead of me. But I used to see her go on after guys who would blow the room up and hold her own. But I called her to see her the day I met her. Did I ever tell you that story? That's nice. Well, you want to hear the whole story or just her side?

Why did you call her that? I walk into the green room. I had, she goes, nice acid wash jeans. And they weren't acid wash. To this day, I'll tell you. First of all, this is 1988. They were faded old jeans. Boston guys aren't the best dressed comedians out there.

As opposed to what, Philly? You wear what, tank talks? Tank talks? Is that what you said? I wore Cavaricci's when I started with loafers. I walked in and she goes, nice acid jeans and she had boots on i goes nice nice boots what are you going clamming lady you cunt and we we rehashed that story the other night at this she remembers it didn't even phase her that's why i liked her even more you could say cunt to a girl comedian they

never care about bullshit a good girl comedian a good never care about that. Oh, bullshit. A good girl comedian. A good one. Exactly. But I dream about her once a year, at least. Did you tell her that? And just recently. And I don't think I have told her that. Isn't that odd? What happens in the dream?

And it's always the same. It's like a warm, we're holding hands like boyfriend and girlfriend. And it's always, it's fucking bizarre. And then I had a dream about giraldo last week really and it's weird because in the dream he came back but the dream didn't establish where he had been you know i mean in other words it was just that he was away and he came back which is you know obviously he's gone know, I mean, it seemed like it could have been a road trip or it could have been he came down and came back from heaven. Right.

It was weird. Just, you know, at the comedy cellar and just hanging out and then hugging. He goes, I got to go. It's weird. You never know if dreams are connected to something that's going on in your brain or they're just coming out of nowhere. Well, you should know. Don't you study that in Fixin' Joe? No.

I mean, I'm one of these people, I forget my dream immediately. But my wife just vividly remembers like long, I have no, I can't remember them. You remember like the whole dream or you just have little glimpses of it? Yeah, I don't remember the whole thing either. The only ones that i'll remember i already know what your comeback is gonna be before i say it what i was gonna say i only remember the dreams where like you're doing a big tv appearance and it's your voice doesn't work or something the doors are locked you can't find your shoes yeah and those are universal those are anxiety based yeah you should i have a ton of those that's how i know i'm a little messed up it's always trying to get to a test i don't have

my pencils but that's like really universal stuff i have them where i can't find my wife you would say that's not a dream you can't i can't find her like she's just it's a wet dream i can't find her the button didn't work i didn't it. I was on the wrong page. All right. Well, hey, Joe, again, plug what you got to plug, brother. This Friday, Emmeline Theater. Still tickets available. Emmeline Theater, folks.

In Mamaroneck, New York. I think it's emmeline.org, something like that. You'll know where it is because it looks just like a comedy club. There's three other. There's no balcony and there's a bar in the back. There's chicken fingers on the menu. There's three other comics on Bill With Me. I might as well plug those. I only know two of the other names, though.

Who cares? Who are they? Andy Pitts and Karen Burgreen I know are on the show. Oh, those two. Yeah. Yeah. Westchester favorites. I'll be at the stand on. Wait a minute, I'll be Tuesday night, tomorrow night at the Comedy

Cellar, Wednesday night at the stand, and then next week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, which is the 13th, 14th, and 15th of June, I'll be at the Improv in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which, you know, it's a casino in florida i'm sure they'll be well behaved this comes out tomorrow yeah this friday night uh i'll be on red eye um and that's about it that's about it i guess joe i'm out of race fixing joe where do they find that again uh officialcomedy.com Official Comedy as opposed to the Unofficial Comedy that's done every night

that'll be done at the Emily there. Follow me on Twitter at the Joe Mattarese I'll follow you to the driveway make sure you find your way out of here I wake up depressed. Janine dreams to bite it I guess Red socks last time i was on folks

i i said i had to shit on the red socks because i bragged when they won the world series and then they lost 10 in a row well since i've talked to you they've won seven in a row yeah they're coming back schizophrenic team they had all rookies in the yesterday two guys get their first hits ever and uh look out i'm telling you, John Farrell's a little bit of a genius. So Rangers Kings hockey folks in the finals. Yeah, that's exciting. LA, New York. You tell me the NHL

marketing team on having wet dreams about this. By the way, Joe Watson actually told me a story that he didn't say when he went up on stage, but when they played the Kings in the stanley cup oh no it was a regular season game yeah he mentioned 77 because we started talking about streaking but he was telling me that one of the games he went to he was such a like little canadian

boy he said there was a girl that showed up at the la kings game and ice skated around nude with skates on and they couldn't catch her because all the security guards Oh, she jumped on the ice? She jumped on the ice completely naked with ice skates on and they couldn't catch her for like 10 minutes.

And that girl grew up to be Johnny Ware. Hey, it's Nick DiPato. Thanks, kids. Until I talk to you next week, wash those filthy asses. Good day, everybody. Good night until we meet thanks kids uh until i talk to you next week wash those filthy asses good day everybody guitar solo I'm out. Bye.