The Nick DiPaolo Show - 034 - Chick V Virus?

Episode Date: June 19, 2014

Chick V Virus?

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo here. Just thought I'd join the fruit parade. What's going on? Holy Jesus, I took a road trip. You guys are cracking me up on Twitter, by the way. You're fucking as mean as I ever will be. I tweeted a little while ago that, you know, I usually come in with my podcast on Monday or Tuesday at the latest, but, you know, I was down in Fort Lauderdale.

I'll get to the story in a second. Got bit by something. And of course on my tweet, it sounded a lot more innocuous. I just had a bed bite. I don't know, a bug bite or whatever I said. And of course the fangs come out immediately. What a beautifully rotten and angry country we are. Isn't it?

Makes sense why I fit in beautifully. But, uh... You guys are fucking cracking me up. Let me pull up some of the Twitter comments. You guys can be some real jaguars. The hell is it?

I need a producer. Preferably an Asian girl about 18 with a hard rock ass. Let's see. Yeah, that's what I put. You know. Had a bug bite and everybody's, all the sympathy came out. I can tell how much people love me.

Let's see here. Nick DePa parlor don't come to arizona we have scorpions what bit you a sand flea lol yeah if i went to arizona i wouldn't get bit by a scorpion or a bug would be probably a six-month old guatemalan baby crawling across the border. Isn't that where we're dumping them? Nick DiPaolo. Them crotch crickets are a bitch, huh? It's from Sebastian. Crotch crickets.

Isn't that clever? I used to get the crabs and all that shit. Look forward to it when you live alone you know um this is another one nick the pillow a bug bite huh better put some dirt on it and then some cold rocks that's uh that's actually a callback to what i was talking about a couple weeks ago when i was a kid i ran over a hornet's nest with my lawnmower and my grandmother with her high technology skills, you know, getting off the boat from Italy in 1906. Her idea of an ice pack was to soak rocks in cold water and then put them on my six stings. It actually worked because the rock, you know, retains the coolness.

That's the Guinea version of an ice pack. Sure, my arm got infected and we were thinking about amputation, but she said she was right. Who's to argue with her? She had her own family. She could have been big over here. Cold rocks with fucking dirt on them. And I told you, my grandfather used to pack dirt in his head when he fell down and cut his head. You know, but they lived it into their 90s today you know oh rinse that put alcohol in it suck a

bag of cheese you fucking jerk off i'm a little i still got the fever and shit i'm on medication i'll get to that in a second and uh but i am a lot more peppy did you notice we'll get into my sleeping disorder i i last, I knocked it out. I don't know if I could do this every night. I'll end up with a liver, you know, of Willie Nelson. But what the hell else? Maybe it's a tumor, says Brian Hernandez, one of my biggest fans. Maybe that's a nice thought.

Thank you for jinxing me. I'll wake up with blood in my shit tomorrow, Brian. You'll be the first one I call. It's not a tumor. I'm going to put pictures up of it on Twitter later. Well, it doesn't look bad now. No, but I got some that I took right after I got...

Get fucking well soon. From my Aunt Carol. No, that's from Biggie. Bug bite. What a chooch, says eric like it's my fault bug bite or herpes well i was in fort lauderdale and uh it was it was world cup weekend at the hard rock casino and by the way i'm not blaming the hotel or whatever i'm just saying i'm just saying it was like being in fucking guatemala down there i didn't hear a word of english nothing but soccer on every tv didn't get to see one baseball game.

Congratulations, Florida. It's official. You're no longer part of the country. But I had a great time, by the way, and the shows were great. But I'm just saying. I hate fucking soccer. You know that I've made it clear. And I hate casinos even more. Two things in my life. And then I get this

infection down there. Well, I'm down there that lasted the whole weekend. Slept about two hours. Honest to God, it was like being, ugh, I wish I was in Guantanamo. It was frigging, ugh. And then, here you go, Vin DePaula just says, Nick DePaulo, hashtag pussy.

Yeah, I'm a pussy. Right. I did five shows with a fever of 102, but I'm a pussy. Suck my left nut, Vinny. I wonder why I can't get real radio gigs talking like this. Nick DiPaolo on meds. That's what I put in the tweet, that I'm on meds, which is true. I'm on antibiotics.

Are you going to sound like arty lang on the podcast that would have been like how you doing the great joe mattery's with it and we got a chef from uh tommy's kitchen in norc he's gonna come in and make some fucking pizza crust uh dan go fuck yourself um uh stromboli says i made a donation in your name i don't go to the link um bug bite was been a little smiley face. Looking forward to the podcast. Uh, that's fucking funny, man. If you could see what he, I can't describe the picture. Um, Nick DiPaolo, you lazy motherless fuck says Paolo.

By the way, that phrase I use is, you know, I got that from Uncle Junior on The Sopranos. Remember the episode he was going to all the funerals? He was on house arrest and he was looking for any excuse to get out of the house. And then he went to get fitted for a suit. And his tailor was an old Italian guy. And the tailor said, my youngest son, Rafael, his boy died. And Uncle Junior's like, what do you mean? The little kid that used to run around here busting balls?

Yeah, he died. What do you mean? What, is he sick? No, he killed himself. Killed himself. He was 12 years old. He killed himself. The drugs. 12 years old. He killed himself. The drugs. The drug dealers.

And then Uncle Junior's buddy goes, yeah, remember the kid that took a header off the falls? And they knew who the... Junior's friend knew who the dealer was. And Uncle Junior goes, really, what's this motherless fuck's name? That made me laugh. I almost died.

Honest to God. That's my favorite phrase. That's my show biz wet dream. I get big enough. I can get all my fans and, you know, like 3,000 people in an arena. We can all at once go, you motherless fucks. That's how we'll start every show. A bug bite.

Who are you? Meriwether Lewis? I don't even get the fuck what that means. We have vaccines in 2014 okay nathan it just happened vaccines we also have people crawling over from countries that haven't even cured dandruff from fucking six minutes ago so shut up with your vaccines then right in the middle of all those tweets, this kid writes in, do you think bottle rockets should be legal? Ah, I don't know.

Ask your gay friends. They seem to buy them up by the truckloads. This guy says, wonder what your grandpa would say about that. Exactly. My grandpa, like, oh, you're a pussy. My grandfather used to say, me and my brother, don't you never be scared of anything that's smaller than you. And then we used to go, yeah, what about a black widow?

And he didn't know what the fuck we were talking about. He thought it was, you know, a black woman who lost her husband. He was clueless. David Ortiz says, ill from a bug bite? What the fuck? You doing gigs in Chinatown? Shit, a little calamine lotion. You'll be fine.

Stuff cures... I've been slappy white once, I've watched every World Cup game so far. Yeah, I was forced to, by the way. Down at the hotel. Down at the Hard Rock. I swear to God, half of Latin South America were at the Hard Rock Casino.

It was fucking hot. Some of the hottest broads you've ever seen. Brazilian chicks. They got them in bikinis in the lobby. Just kicking. They're on a rug. Looks like five feet wide. They're just kicking a soccer ball back and forth to each other.

When I say hot, to a level I've never even seen in this country. And they're just kicking a soccer ball. And it's just like i don't know four or five hundred guys standing around with fucking wood just just staring at two girls just kicking a ball back and forth it was it was fucking unbelievable all that feminist i would love to drag a few feminists down i go see that it's never going to change yes i've watched the world cup i had i had uh i had ghana no i didn't have gun who'd i i had uh i don't know chili versus the ivy coast

the ivory coast minus uh minus two i had them i had them on a tease with uh ghana and fucking uh ecuador get out of here I wouldn't watch that shit. It's being played in my kitchen. And then Jared Klein says, Nick DiPaolo crabs. That's very original, Jared. Why don't you go back to stuffing mattresses? It's almost five o'clock.

Bug bite or bad tuna sub, Eric says. That's a callback to a joke I wrote in the early 60s. Now this is a bite. Then this guy says, bug bite equals so 60s. Now this is a bite. Then this guy says bug bite equals sodomy. Yeah, that's intelligent. Fucking nitwit. The other R. Kelly.

Wah! That's a stern fan who can't come up with a joke on his own. All right. Man, I hate it when I get scabies too, Eric says. Anyways. I'll tell you. Interesting weekend. Went down there.

It's a good club, the Improv. It's at the Hard Rock Casino, which is Seminole, Florida. You know? In other words, it's an Indian reservation, legally. You know what I mean? You got to play by their rules.

They don't give you free booze when you gamble down there. The Native Americans, you think they could. I mean, Christ's sake, who knows more about a nice scotch on the rocks? But they give you a you-hoo and a crazy straw. So you look like a big girl when you're trying to play craps. Excuse me. See that that that's from fever i feel great today but uh here's the deal okay i got on there thursday night i was told i had to be there for thursday night for friday early friday morning press again this was all decided months ago when the contract was bought to my agent i did a couple call-ins before I left from my home here, like on Wednesday.

I get down there on Thursday night. I said, I'll wander over to the open mic and see what's going on. And I run into a couple of comics and they're like, well, most comics don't come till Friday. And I go, what do you mean? And I go, I said, I have press tomorrow morning, don't I? And they're like, oh, I don't know. So I check with the girl, the woman running the place, and they're like, no, there's no Friday press.

So I am, folks, after 26 years of being on the road, you don't want to be anywhere a day earlier than you have to be. Do you understand? So I can almost blame all the shit. It was miscommunication between, you know, the club and whoever. But anyways, the point being is I go to bed Thursday night,

pissed at everybody because knowing I don't have to be there, but it was Fort Lauderdale. It could have been, you know, Transylvania. So I go to bed Thursday night. I get up Friday morning early, you know, because I got my three and a half hours in. I go in the bathroom to pee and look in the mirror

and I see a red welt on my shoulder, about the size of a quarter. And there's a dot right in the middle of it. Obviously something bit me and it wasn't a fucking hot brazilian chick who knows right and i'm like oh that doesn't look good and uh i'm like oh for christ's sake then i try to go back to bed and by the way next door to me what's staying next door to me a couple with four kids ages i think one month to two years. I mean, honest to God, four kids.

The oldest one had to be seven. And as young as like, you know, I don't know, 15 months. Holy shit. One of them was just screaming the whole time. I almost wanted to call the cops. I thought they were putting cigarettes out on his feet. I don't know what the fuck was going on in there but it was just that you know that kid scream even when they're not crying and they just go that's when they were in a good mood and it's fucking irritating then the actual crying kicks

in because they got a shit in their pants or they ever eaten since tuesday or they're angry because they have two parents that took them to a casino when they're fucking two months old you can't afford a goddamn babysitter but you're bucking out a casino you hillbilly dicks just non-stop whining and pissing and moaning i'm laying and now it's like eight in the morning i get nothing to do to show time ate that night my shoulder i get up i look again couple out it's getting bigger now it's a size of like you know silver dollar or whatever but i lift my armpit and now there's like a red ring starting around my armpit and i'm not one of those people a lot of people you know especially girls are like oh hotel rooms

are gross and i've read all that shit you know with it with a jism all over the remote control and it doesn't scare me because most of that's mine i've been in every hotel across the country first thing i do is like i'm not gonna touch somebody else's dna i'm gonna put mine on top of it you know so i'll rub the remote control up and down my ass crack on a sweaty day and then change rooms. But just kidding. But I was never that. I'm not that germaphobic guy. You know what I mean?

Lived in a fraternity for a couple of years. And if nothing killed me there, there's nothing on the planet that's going to kill me. I mean, I came downstairs and I was living in my fraternity at like four in the morning. And one of the linemen on our team was peeing on the grill that we make pancakes on so and i survived that for christ's sake that's like vietnam anyway so i got the the shoulder the thing starting to spread and then the armpit it's down in the armpit and now i I'm like, Jesus Christ. And that night, you know, I do the show and I'm sweating like Ella Fitzgerald up there. Moses Malone in a playoff game in the old Boston Garden was 112 degrees. It's gushing down.

I'm like fucking Elvis waiting for, you know, one of those hot Florida girls to throw her panties at me. But I already have, you know, an infection. I don't want another one. But I don't know at this point what it is, but I already have, you know, an infection. I don't want another one. But I don't know at this point what it is, but I know something's wrong. I know I have a fever. Even when I'm on stage, I'm burning up and shit, you know. And that night I go back to the hotel. My buddy's with me, and his sister almost died of Lyme disease.

She was a nurse from Harvard and and and saved her own life by doing research she had to walk around with an IV bag she could bit you know Lyme diseases from getting bit by a tick that went undetected for years it almost killed her she had to like walk around with an IV IV bag attached to her for like a couple years to keep her alive so she knows everything about this um so i go to bed friday night and uh i'm just having these first of all these crazy freaking dreams i i dreamed here was one of the dreams i'm at a gig it's anxiety obviously i'm at a gig i'm in the green room i'm being announced i'm the next one on stage they can't get me through the door um because i have like a body cast arm from the waist down and and two casts you know on on each leg but they're my

my feet are at like at uh 10 a.m and and 2 p.m., but they're in a cast, so they can't get me through the door. And the guy keeps announcing me, and I'm screaming at the people trying to help me. I mean, that was one of the dreams. And then another one, I get in a fight with a Santa Claus. This was like the second night I was having nightmares. And by the way, night sweats, like I've never had in my life. I was actually having a fight with like a department store Santa Claus was screaming at me saying I took chicken out of the lunchroom that was his.

And he was screaming at me. I'm like, fuck you. And all the parents are there with his kids. And they were all ganging up on me saying I took this Santa's chicken out of his refrigerator at macy's or wherever the fuck we were and and then then like my cousin uh johnny who i haven't seen in 40 years shows up and and gets me out of there in a pickup truck and we end up going fishing that kind of fucking fever okay just soaked but i'd feel like i'd feel decent after the the you know this the the fever i'm like okay must the fever must have broke but it wouldn't it

would just every night and during the day i'd be a little bit chilly and shit but you know whatever i didn't feel like uh i was gonna die i'm like i'm fucking What am I going to go? It's an Indian reservation. You know what I mean? Go to get medical help on the reservation. What are they going to do? They're going to rub chicken blood on my fucking chest and blow some type of smoke on my face. That's kind of racist, Nick. That's almost like the Redskin thing. Yeah, I'll get that in a few

minutes. Wish that story would go away, but it won't. So yeah. So minutes wish that story would go away but it won't so so yeah so um i finally uh and again i averaged i'm not kidding you average two to three hours uh sleep because of that family next to me and i didn't complain once i don't want to be that guy that calls and hey shut your fucking kids i know they're. I know they're just trying to get through. But I really got to believe.

And my friend told me there are hotels now in Vegas where you can't have kids at a casino. But they're still going to be in the room. So what's the difference? But there really should be kid-free planes and kid-free hotel rooms. I mean, we have everything else in this goddamn country. Don't we? I mean, aren't we paying for people in prison to get tits and dicks added on and taxpayers have to pay for it?

So can't we, I don't know, make my life a little easier, have a kid-free hotel? What the fuck? What are you doing with four little kids in a hotel room for the weekend? Oh, my God. So I was averaging like two to three hours. So, you know. But the show, like I said, when you go up on stage, this is what's amazing. The adrenaline will kill anything in you.

I've gone on stage, and comics will tell you this, two seconds before they introduce you, you know, I've gone on, I felt like I had to take a wicked dump. And you go on stage and the adrenaline just destroys it. I don't know where it goes. Sometimes it doesn't resurface for a day or two. Explain that one to me.

And then you look in your backpack and there it is. So yeah, I'd go on stage and I'd be up there and the crowds are great. Saturday night, sold out both shows, made a little extra bonus money. Thank you, Fort Lauderdale, for coming out. It's a lot of ex-Bostonians and New Yorkers down there.

And it was great. It was great. So I'd come off stage and, like I said, the adrenaline would kill whatever. Until I got back to the room, then I'd get in bed, my teeth would start chattering, you know, and then I'm paranoid, I'm looking through the seams of the, whatever, looking through the seams of the mattress and stuff, but I was just convinced, you know, it was whatever, a tick bite, whatever the fuck. Take care of it when I get home. But by the time Sunday came, the Sunday show, I could not wait for Monday morning.

Sunday night, I fall asleep. I'm in bed by 11, early show. It's like a 7 o'clock show. I fall asleep at 1130, which is a record for me in the last 20 years. The earliest I think i've ever fallen asleep at exactly 12 30 an hour later a new couple comes in the family next door that was staying there for the week and they had checked out sunday morning uh three older women come in and slam the door at 12 30 wake me up and then i listened to them till three o'clock talking about how much margaret lost

playing blackjack and and again i don't want to shit on their parade i used to bang on the wall and shit what are you gonna do um but uh they're chatting away and just and thank god because they were a little older you know i think they wrapped up around three, but I was wide awake, sweating through my fucking sheets. And I go, I'm just staying up. And the car was picking me up at 6 a.m. So I just stayed up. So I literally had an hour's sleep Sunday. Woo, was I pleasant.

That's the girl that I got into it with at the paper store at the airport. I don't want to bring up that story. That'll be for another show anyways kids so i get home and i gotta go right to a hospital because i'm burning up and and the armpit you know looks like a baboon's ass when it's eight months pregnant or whatever so i gotta go to phelps hospital up here and uh you know how that works and they uh but it's actually a good hospital i like it they checked me in but i asked me all these questions and um they asked me what i weighed and how tall i was three times within

three different people within like an hour and a half finally i go hey do you guys are these computers filled with fucking what marshmallow are these just for looks do you guys input anything and do you have access to the same data bank and they even started laughing they're like well things could change things could change yeah i put on 40 pounds in the last fucking two hours since i walked in your front door and i I'm now five foot six and I'm Norwegian. The fuck are you talking about? Things could change. And what do you what do you weigh?

The third girl, I'm just busting balls. I'm like, I'm five one. I'm about 116. Can you tell I'm ripped? They fucking asked me the same questions nine times. Then the doctor comes in a nice young jewish fella liked him it's funny when you go to the hospital all your life you go to the hospital the doctor was always kind of that you know a bunkular at least felt 25 years older than you

uh you know but now now they're kids he looked like a kid to me. But I loved him. He knew exactly what he was doing. He looked at it. He took a pen and he outlined. I'm like, what are you doing? Some type of Yiddish graffiti? What am I? A wall on the West Bank? He takes a fucking pen and starts outlining a rash. You know?

And I go, what are you doing? And he goes, well, this is, you know, I'm going to see. You know, we might going to see, you know, we might have to keep you tonight. Or, you know, if you come back tomorrow, I want to see if this thing's grown. And if it's grown over the line of the, very clever. I go, wow, that's scientific. Where'd you learn that?

Right after you ate a can of paste? Jesus Christ. Drawn on me with a Sharpie. And so they hooked me up to an IV. A girlhanie comes in hooks me up to an iv some cute girls here by the way at phelps if uh if you can't get into a hot bar up in westchester go to phelps pretend you have a foot injury try to pick up some ass i uh so um what was i talking about i'm look i'm still sweating over here holy shit let me kill this light yeah so uh the guy looks at it they hooked me up to an iv for just to rehydrate me and when that bag was gone they hooked me up to an antibiotic because uh he looked at it and he said

well it looks like uh cellulitis which is an infection under the skin. But there was definitely like a, you know, a center to the circle. I don't know if it was a bite or a puncture. Something infected me. So hooks me up to the IB. I sit there watching, I don't know, the O'Reilly Factor or something. And my wife, this is when it's nice to be married, stayed at the hospital and busted my balls and made me feel even worse.

And I said, get the hell, no. So she stayed. And I'm sitting there sweating up a storm and they check your vitals. They took blood. They test me for Lyme, but that doesn't come back till, shit,

I was supposed to be today. I was supposed to call maybe, or tomorrow they're going to call me, with Lyme disease. That's the one. That's the one. If you know anything about Lyme disease, you know,

you get that from a tick, and if that goes unchecked, that can cause serious damage, but I had pain i had pain in my liver it was down by my right groin also i had pain and it was radiating down my leg okay and the doctor said well i'm not sure what that is but you have lymph nodes down there and the fact that you have a infection raging through your body those lymph nodes will get swollen and it will radiate pain down so i'm guessing that's what that was um the guy was very sharp they were all they're all great

um so i sat there for i was at the i was at the hospital a total of six hours seven hours whatever then they released me and then i had to go back they gave me a prescription that i you know i had to call in the next day i had to go back the next gave me a prescription that I had to call in the next day. I had to go back the next morning, and the doc wanted to check in with me again. I take off my shirt, and he's like, oh, yeah, it's a whole different animal. And I go, what do you mean it's a whole? Yeah, it's a bigger animal. The fucking rash had grown over the outline that he grew.

But it wasn't as angry. It wasn't as bright red. It was like, you know know it was kind of a light pink now and by the way folks last night i've been you know documenting my sleeping problems i took two ativan my wife's ativans and uh and of course you know i had slept in what, an hour, three hours in the last week, but that finally did it. A couple of Ativan and went to bed at midnight, woke up at, get this folks, and I haven't done this for 59 a.m., a solid nine hours.

I feel like a goddamn 14-year-old girl today. I went and got a haircut. My balls trimmed. I sculptured. I got some manure for my wife's flowers. I fixed the chimney. I don't know. Homeless guy's... That made no sense.

I fixed his box. But I... Honest to God, I got nine hours. I feel like I'm a 14-year-old kid today. And I think you can tell by the energy and just the tremendous show I'm putting on here. Fuck, it's hot in here. But I did, I slept nine hours.

Do you understand? I haven't felt like this in five years. I'm gonna start, I really am thinking about weed. And that's funny, because you know me, I was Joe Jock, never really a druggie. Snorted a little coke in the 80s like everybody else. I mean, Christ, my grandmother was doing blowout state troopers. Like I said, hit the clam shack in Ipswich.

But a little drip from the early 80s. I think, and people have suggested this to me how about weed and you know what i might be one of those guys that needs medical marijuana where am i gonna find it um but uh because i do remember getting very sleepy that's what i hated about weed but now i you know weed is so strong i don't want to smoke a joint that i'm gonna be laying there you know freaking out staring at a light bulb above me in my room I heard the shit's like way stronger than when I did it back in the early 40's

um so but weed might be a solution I don't want to get hooked on Ativan obviously but that worked pretty good and I don't have that angry psycho that's why I can't usually take opiate. I can't do the Ambien. I can't do any of that shit because I literally have to stay in the house because it makes me fucking crazy.

You know, like John Wayne Gacy crazy. Yeah. So. So, yeah, the bed, the, uh, bug bite I was talking a little more serious than you people thought. Anyways,

but I want to get the Lyme thing back. The Lyme disease. I want to get those results back because that's serious shit. That can, that can really fuck up your, you know what I mean? But I, here's the second part of this story.

So I go on like drudge, was it this morning or yesterday? I go on drudge, I can't even remember. And one of the headlines is about a mosquito virus in the United States that's coming up here from the Caribbean. It started in North Africa. Mosquitoes bite people. They go to the Caribbean. They get bit there or whatever.

And then, you know, they come to the United States. And it's like 15, only 15 to 20 states in this country have, have this, it's called Chick V virus.

That's short for something like camping out. It's almost like, it's like chicken young gooey or something virus. And so I start reading about it, right? And like I said, I just gave you where it came from. But the symptoms, big red swelling, welt, fatigue, which I had obviously, night sweats. But this is where I was like, oh my God, that's what I get.

The aching in the liver, the aching in the lower abdomen, it radiates down your leg. And the doctors told me at the hospital that my enzyme, my liver enzymes were a little high, which makes sense because when you get an infection, it makes sense, your liver's an infection you know it makes sense your liver is going to work harder or whatever that or could have been i did do a lot of shots of jack after each show and without the sleep in the combination of the fucking the the bite that i have that we

don't really know what it is probably i'm guessing i'm guessing it was a tick that jumped off a Ecuadorian monkey's balls. You know, a pet monkey that somebody brought into the hotel because you can bring pets into the hotels. But I'm guessing on some, but the chick, this chick V thing, Google it. I have all the symptoms. And they said like, yeah, eight or ten people had it last year in Florida or this year so far. I might be number 11. Because I had the exact symptoms. So it was very weird.

Chick V virus. It's like chicken bongonga. Sounds like a dish. But as I speak to you right now, I have a wet ring on the back. Anyways, that's why I was a little late with the podcast, kids. I'll post the pictures later, and you can have a fucking ball with that, I'm sure. I love the shows down there, but that was the only part, obviously, I liked. I'm not a casino person.

I just can't stand them. And I understand if you're a gambler why would be heaven for you but if you're not it's just to me the lowest of the lowest scum just gather at fucking casinos you're just looking at people people in their you know 70s with polyester pants and dirty running shoe you got fucking dirty sneakers on you're 80 years old what are you doing playing the wheel of fortune machine gonna buy your wife a nice headstone, stupid? Oh, my God. And then this gang.

Is that the fucking decor now on a Friday and Saturday night? Let me put on my Miami Heat shirt, jersey. And they have the whole uniform on now. It's not just the basketball jersey. It's the fucking shorts. So, you know, you're playing poker next to the like fucking people dressed like they got a hoops game in 10 minutes and just i mean nice mix of hillbillies fat white hillbillies um you know gang gangs from i don't know where there's tattoos and

graffiti on their neck i have no fucking idea what third world shithole they were coming from and just every chick i think it's a law in florida you have to get a tattoo when you're when you hit the age of six in florida i saw you know i saw babies and strollers with tramp stamps and shit i mean every chick and i don't mean like a little flower and shit i mean like a fucking scorpion on their neck with a knife with like dried pus on it on their left side and uh you know a crucifix on the back of their neck and then their old boyfriend's area coat on their left tit very attractive just just just and i wouldn't go in that fucking pool you should i should have jumped in

because i was when i was infected i could have done some damage I wouldn't go in that fucking pool. Are you shit? I should have jumped in because I was when I was infected. I could have done some damage. I would not get in that fucking pool. Are you shitting me? Oh my God. It's just, it's unbelievable. That's the, the people that flip flops and shit and just, I mean, you can see like their crusty armpits while they're rolling dice.

You can see like their deodorant, like pieces of falling onto the craps table. Oh, my God. Dean Martin was rolling around in his grave. I just, I'm not a big gambler. Again, like I said, if I, you know, I'll make a few football bets. But if I was a gambler, I guess you ignore all that. You sit down at a table, but nobody looks happy in those places. And for me, I just don't understand.

I don't know how people can go. Yeah, I trust these people enough that own the casinos that this machine at a certain time will go off and pay me a million dollars. I will never, not to be too cynical, how can you have that much trust in any human? You could sit there for the next 40 years and they could have that thing rigged

so it never goes off. Don't you get a little, I don't know, don't you get a little suspicious when you go back to Vegas and they've built their 15th hotel in the last two years? Is that because they're fucking losing 15th hotel in the last two years? Is that because

they're fucking losing? Every once in a while a machine will go off. Somebody will hit big, you know, or whatever. But it just, to me,

it draws the scum of the earth. I didn't see one sport coat or pair of slacks. Come on, just jeans and a button-down shirt? For Christ's sake. You got to put on a wife beater with blood on it

to go out on a Friday night? Hey, we're going to the Sands. Where are my good boots? Fucking classless piece of shit. Have another piece of apple pie. Then old people with those fucking scooters trying to get around them all weekend. That's what you want to do.

You got no feeling from the waist down. Just go blow your money on something else. Anyways. So I'm due for another pill in a few hours. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, here's the other thing. Like the second day. And this is when I get a little suspicious if the room was clean or not, uh, the night I get there, I, uh, open the mini bar, and then there's a bag, something wrapped in a baggie in there, a plastic baggie, not a see-through

baggie, but like one you get at a supermarket, you know, kind of a tan one, but it's wrapped up, so I kind of pick it up, and it's probably where I got infected, and I'm like, and I sniff it, and it smells horrendous, I thought it was like skunk weed, it smelled like bad weed to me, or whatever, anyway, and it's not in the, it's not in the cold part of the mini bar, it's like the warm part to the right. On top of the Pringles. So I just put it back and I wait for the next day the mini bar lady comes by and I go, I think there's a bag of

skunk weed in there. And she goes, oh no, I don't want to touch that. But she did. She unwraps it. Somebody put a piece of cheese in there. Ah, there you go. Let me eat those Pringles that that was sitting on top of. Jesus Christ, why don't you just inject me

in the left nut with the Ebola virus when I checked in? I'm just saying. It's not just this hotel, but there was a real, ugh. It was a really, i don't know she was laughing the mini bar mini bar lady was cracking up kind of a cute older hispanic woman we were cracking up i'm like go ahead put it on some crackers i dare you she took it out with a pair of tongs like it was plutonium and then uh i thought she'd like wipe down the you know can of pringles that was sitting on no oh mama mia

so what else so that's it uh so far oh the other thing at the the uh emergency room was cracking me up was that that uh i I'm sure somebody must have done bits on this already, but that pain chart they use, it's got a picture of, you know, the smiley faces, there's 10 of them. The first one, you know, one would be you feel great and there's a big smile. Two is a little less smiley than three.

And by five, the guy's frowning. And by 10 ten you know he's got like blood coming out of his eye that's real scientific isn't it they're asking me on a pain level on that chart there i'm like they go where's your pain i go see the guy that looks like he's uh taking a big dump see the guy with the squinty eyes number seven is he taking a shit or is that a lady pushing out triplets? See the pain in her fits? About right.

Right, that one. There are fucking nurses are cracking up. That's the best we can come up with. I guess it is when you think about it. But it seems for this country, you know. Yeah, my pain is, see the, uh, the chinky looking one, number three? Yeah. The Asian woman trying to push out a dehydrated

dump that's where my pain is that was uh that was kind of crazy and by the way so what's your height weight again shut up what else has gone on since i have talked to you kids last oh my god i'm soaking through this shirt. I still got the fungus in me. I thought it was dead. I went and got a haircut, like I said, today. Douched. Did some yard work.

Oh, I'll tell you, it's a sad thing. Let's touch on this one. We lost somebody. One of the most talented guys able to pick up a bat. You know who I'm talking about. Ann B. Davis. I mean, he was terrific as the maid on Gilligan's Island, on the Brady Bunch, and hit.350, I think,

for the Arkansas lesbian chuches. No, Tony Gwynn. Tony Gwynn, who me and Artie interviewed, I believe, and he just laughed at everything. Genuinely, we could say anything, and he was... If you follow baseball, the guy's a class act, always has been. He has that bubbly personality, guy's a class act always has been he has that bubbly personality and just just flat out as good a hitter as anybody ever to play he died of cancer at the age of 54 he had 3141 hits okay in 20

seasons with the padres by the way never leftres. Could have went for big money. Not the type of guy he is. Coincidentally, another San Diego guy like Ted Williams. What's going on with the great hitters out of San Diego? How about this, folks? How about a.338 career batting average? How about eight National League batting titles? Eight.

Put that in your pipe, Wade boggs you punching judy um what i mean just a sweetheart of a guy just uh of course right of course that's how it works albert bell a lib please 190 but the guy was big on, you know what, oral tobacco. And he even came right out and said he believed the cancer that he had in his right cheek was from chewing tobacco. He had two operations between August of 2010 and February 2012, and, you know, eventually it killed him, I guess. And that time that you know when i was up at main oh you got to do it for years and years before it would kill you but when we were up at main

everybody up there we used to do we used to do the they call the bermuda triangle we'll put one in your upper lip one in each cheek or your lower lip and one in one cheek. And we chewed the Levi Garrett leaves. Remember the bag? You know, the hardcore guys still do this. It looks like leaves you pick up off the street, brown leaves. You reach in a bag and you tuck that big jaw. We used to, you'd be studying. You'd be studying at the library and spitting into a cup

like a beer sized cup and you'd fill it every hour and it was quite a nice buzz but no wonder why they're trying to get that out of the game again I think it should be the player's choice

but he was kind of big on that they said he made the all-star team 15 times folks he hit the coveted Kind of big or not, they said. He made the All-Star team 15 times, folks. He hit the coveted 200-hit mark in a season five times. His.338 career average was 18th best overall.

How about this? He hit safely in 1,838 games, which amounts to 75.3% of the games in which he played in. Can you imagine that? That one blew me away. 951 multi-hit games. Reached hitting streaks of at least 10 games on 33 different occasions. And listen to this, only 34. Okay, he played 20 years. Listen to this.

Only 34 multi-strikeout games in 20 seasons. Do you understand that? I know some of the Red Sox, they must have 40 multi-strikeout games and we're not even halfway through 2014. He batted 300 in each of his last 19 seasons. A streak second only to Ty Cobb. Unbelievable. And just like I said,

the sweetheart of a guy. The other thing was in 1994, that's when the season ended in a strike, he was hitting 394. He was challenging, you know, Ted Williams,.406. So rest in peace, Tony.

He's got a son, I think, who plays for the Phillies. So rest in peace. Good guy. Unbelievable athlete. So they said he could have played pro hoops, too. A lot like me. I could have went into girls bowling or that curling up in Canada.

I had a knack for that because I worked the mop. Who else? They come in threes. We did lose him and Andy Davis from the Brady Bunch. A lot of people don't know. She was a nose tackle. University of Texas Tech in the 50s. She led that division, I think.

140 tackles one season. And you know who else? Casey Kasem. Wasn't a big fan, going to be honest. I saw him on, like, it was Oprah or the Donahue show. He was an arrogant, pompous jerk off it was right we were in uh it was oh no it was after right after 9-11 and he was kind of defending what went on didn't uh i remember somebody standing up and going you know i can appreciate because

you're arab but really is that the time to say that? Some guy ripped into him. And he said, shut your fucking mouth. It's America. I can say what I want. So he's gone. Boy, that wasn't pretty. Do you know who his final wife was? Remember what was on chairs? Remember Nick and his dumb blonde girlfriend?

That hot blonde, Nick's girlfriend, that was Kasem's wife, his last wife. Married a couple times. She was trying to keep him away from the kids and fighting over money. I guess it got pretty ugly there. And he said, can somebody open the garage door? It's raining and I'm getting soaked.

And they're like, stay outside. We're trying to fucking steal your money. Casey Kasem, America's top 40. So he's gone. Who's next? Hopefully my fever will clear up tonight, but I wouldn't even make the papers. That's the sad part.

I wouldn't make the papers. The papers. They'd go, hey, remember the kid who had three lines on Grace on the Fire? Yeah, something bit him and he died. Let's go to the weather. Tom? Oh, yes, in Brooklyn in the, it'll be in the 80s tomorrow and a lot of humidity. And that would be, I just assumed, that was arrogant of me to even say that. I assumed I made local news in New York. How funny is that? I wouldn't even fucking... Comedy Central had a news bureau.

I wouldn't make it. Those pricks. Chick V. Wouldn't it be funny if it's Chick V... Chick Five. And I'm saying it wrong. How funny would that be? No, they call it the Chick V virus

because it's got a real name. Here's how it's spelled. C-H-I-K and they spelled out phonetically on the other page that I don't have in front of me. But it's C-H-I-K-U-N-G-U-N-Y-A. Chick-un-gun-ya. Apparently somebody in Tulsa has it in Oklahoma

the symptoms are going to be the same they said you're going to have a strong show on the first night and then you're going to get buried by the feature on show 2 and you'll start to sweat and then you'll have the shits and you'll try the chicken thing um it's carried by mosquitoes it's not person to person transmission at this point and then you'll have the shits and you'll try the chicken thing.

It's carried by mosquitoes. It's not person-to-person transmission at this point. That's what I told my wife. The only caveat that we have is our blood supply is going to be screened. This is the person in Oklahoma talking about it. It migrated from Africa to the Caribbean. The only way... West Nile virus isn't the only threat mosquitoes pose this summer.

Now it's the chikungunya. I had a much better article. I am really a fucking nitwit, but you guys can Google it. I don't even know if that's what I got, but I have every symptom of that shit. What else? Oh, the Redskins thing. I'm tired of that story. People are still...

Let me check, see if there's any more tweets by my lovely friends. Not really. Well, the country's falling apart. That's good. I think Obama's done a super job. And if you people don't like my politics, you can shut this off now. I don't give a fuck. I'm just defending this. It's hilarious hilarious i might go pick up a baby they seem to be crawling over the border there in arizona and texas okay come on fucking believable there's

actually border patrol guys making a you know cooking baby formula and changing diapers can you imagine what you have to do because we're that type of country but i'm just saying can you imagine not to mention everything else fucking believable i'm guessing i'm predicting by the time you hear this we will have started to bomb in iraq and i'm not going to get into the old one the reason we're in there is bush in the first place. Yeah, and we had the place under control until somebody pulled everybody out, so shut the fuck up.

I don't want to hear it. I say, I don't know why people are so upset that Syria and Iraq, the border is practically gone now. It's just one big country. That's good. They're all pooling in one area. I'm dead serious.

Doesn't that make it easier to take them all out? And don't give me this shit about, oh, you're going to take out civilians with it. Yeah, it's called war. OK, but this whole notion of, oh, this whole notion of, you know, we have to we have to be over there in Afghanistan because they can. You know, that's what they'll use that as a launching pad. Those areas to attack us over here in America. That is such bullshit. They can do it from a basement in Queens.

They're already here, folks. I'm just saying. So I like the fact that they're all, all these maniacs are all gathering now in one area. It would make it, what do we have these giant weapons for anyways? If seriously, if they really are a threat, like everybody's saying, to our security, I'm just saying they're making it easy.

They're all pooling in one area. Let the Sunnis and the Shia just tear each other apart. Let's just step aside and watch it. I'd be in total isolation as far as a president. I'd put it, the first day I'd get in office, I'd go, this is how it's going to be. We'll do business with you, you know, because they need us for that. That's it, though. If one hair gets must on any American's head anywhere in the world,

we're going to fucking turn you into a parking lot. Okay? Otherwise, we'll leave you alone if you leave us alone that's how i feel but that's not what they say they say we can't have all these guys gathering like that and i'm sure oil people say it's about oil then i'm like okay how come uh after the first iraq war or whatever the gulf war how come it wasn't down to two cents a gallon? I don't get it.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. Anyways. Anyways. The Redskins thing. Redskins trademark canceled by U.S. Patent Office. They already did that once, didn't they? A few years back, and then it was rejected in appeals, federal court, district court. Unprecedented pressure on the Washington NFL team

to change its name reached a crescendo today. I can just tell by how this is worded politically where this guy's... When the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board, that would be the TTAB, canceled six federal trademark registrations owned by the team, ruling that the term Redskins was disparaging to a substantial composite of American Indians when the marks were granted in 67 in 1990. Yeah, you just come into that conclusion now. So finally now it's a problem, huh?

Okay. The 2-1 decision by the board does not mean the Washington team must stop using the name, but gives opponents of the name another opening to hammer home their contention that the term is a despicable racial slur. The team's attorney said the team will appeal. The team prevailed on appeal in an earlier iteration of the case. We are confident we will prevail once again and that the trademark trial and appeal board's divided ruling

will be overturned on appeal, said the team's attorney. This case is no different than an earlier case where the board canceled the Redskins trademark registrations and where a federal district court disagreed and reversed it. So they can still, you know, still use it even if they lose.

But other people can use it, you know, and make money off it or whatever. Any effort by Mr. Schneider to appeal this ruling can only be viewed as a bigoted attempt to continue to profit from this racist teen name at the expense of the dignity of Native Americans, said Betty McCollum, Democrat, Minnesota. Yeah, Betty, says who the fuck? Who are you to decide what's bigoted and what's not? Why is it you that gets to fucking decide that? The fact that there's Native Americans, and by the way, most polls show more Native Americans

aren't bothered by this than are bothered by it. That fact alone should end it right there, because it's about them, not you, Betty. Once again, fucking douchebags trying to protect other people's feelings the team retains its federal trademark rights pending appeal even if the club loses on appeal it can continue to use the name as it has uh for more than 80 years but uh without the federal trademark protection others can potentially use the team's name and logos to sell merchandise with impunity,

although owners of unregistered marks can still try to protect them through state statutes of common law, which I'm sure the Redskins will do, right? But the fact, just the fact, you know, this Oneida group, that Indian group in upstate New York, they seem to be the only ones

that are really pissing, moaning about it. There's a lot of other Native Americans that don't have a problem. How about this? Is this possible that it is a racial slur,

but because of how it was used by the NFL for the last 80 years, it actually put a positive spin on it that it's no longer that? You know what I'm saying? That we, can it work? Is it a two-way street?

More people identify with it. Is it a positive thing now? Can you make that argument? Well, you wouldn't walk into a room with a bunch of Native Americans and go, hey, Redskins, well, the ones I would hang out with wouldn't have a problem with it.

I told you the solution, folks. Right? DC's filled with politicians and they're all dickheads. I tweeted this, so they should change the name from Redskins to Foreskins. I'll design the emblem tonight. Ah. I just don't understand who decides, you know? I just don't understand who decides

you know yeah so whatever who cares change it change it to something fucking I don't know

I don't know we're a childish society put a you know the party clowns the DC party clown put a big smiley face on there. Something that won't offend kids.

The, uh, the kittens, the DC kittens. A kitten with a balloon in its mouth and a fucking red ribbon on its paw. And a fucking PETA t-shirt holding a baby seal. Fucking people make me sick. That's about it. I'm sweating through this t-shirt. Boy, I was listening to the radio. There's some really funny young guys out there I like.

Not all of them are young, obviously, but this guy, Al Madrigal, I guess he's a writer for The Daily Show. Bite my tongue. But he does a bit about his kid's soccer coach being a cholo. It is one of my favorite bits of all time. I turn it up like it's a goddamn Zeppelin song when it comes on. It's just so well written.

All of his shit. If you listen to, you know, Comedy Central Radio or Raw Dog, whatever. And Cat Williams cracks me the fuck up. He really is like just a funny pimp. He does a bit about getting high when he was doing, I don't know whose show it was. doing uh i don't know whose show it was somebody like tracy morgan and other black comedians uh cedric the entertainer i don't know no it was a snoop it was a show snoop was on and snoop was like nah we're gonna get when when we finish this segment we're gonna go into the fucking green we're gonna hit the weed and he talks about how high how fucking high he had never had weed this strong.

I mean, some of the funniest shit you have ever heard. He goes, I'm looking in the motherfucking mirror. I can't remember what fucking show I'm on. I'm looking in the mirror going, am I fucking Gary fucking Coleman? Who the fuck am I? I mean, nobody says motherfucker funnier than Cat Williams. He's just fucking hilarious.

He has another bit about thinking how cool you are at the club, you know, on a Saturday night and you're fucking drinking, you come out of the cell dressed up and shit, and then cut to you like fucking five hours later sitting in your kitchen in a shitty apartment by myself. Jesus, just send me somebody, motherfucker. Oh, I could listen to him all night i would like to meet that dude and another guy i'll tell you who i know you know i hate his politics he hates mine and we had him on tough crowd and you know he implied that that implied like i was a dick joke specialist or something.

I made a joke. I forget what it was. But so we kind of, you know, obviously he's a San Francisco guy, real liberal guy. So he hated my politic. But I always thought he was a little overrated as a comic years ago. But I hear his shit now and he's really famous patten oswald and i mean he's got a bit about you know he's got a bit about kentucky fried chicken had some they put out some crazy sick meal that you know like like four thousand percent trans fats and shit and um i don't know it's about that that. And Kentucky Fried Chicken actually responded to him personally about his bit and shit. And it's brilliantly written. And he's got a lot of other stuff I hear.

And I just think he's a really fucking really good comic. And I never really felt that way years ago. But maybe I was wrong there. And I was thinking about some guys that you guys might not have heard of that were influences of mine back in Boston. This guy, Teddy Bergeron, who made his debut,

and they still to this day say it was the best debut by a comic back in the 70s on The Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was hosting and um he's this irish guy he's his irish boston looking as you can be pale pale skin blonde eyelashes red hair he had you know real alcohol problems but a real freaking genius i mean comedy wise just um and uh these are guys you probably never heard of, and I know I've said this on other podcasts, if you're really into stand-up and its history, especially Boston, which was the mecca, that movie I think I've referred you to before, When Stand-Up Stood Out,

it's a documentary on the Boston scene from like 78 to 88. I don't even know if they mentioned Teddy in it because, like I said, he was in and out of the picture because of alcohol problems, you know. But he used to do a bit about there's always a guy that ruins everything, whether it's a party, just a real downer. And like he goes, I took my nieces to see Peter Pan. Sandy Duncan was playing Peter Pan. and if you guys remember sandy duncan hot little redhead she had a glass eye by the way but she

was real cute she played peter pan in the 70s because i took my nieces to see peter pan and the curtains open and the music played my little nieces eyes just lit up and and here comes sandy duncan as peter pan flying across right over the people right over us in the audience and then some guy so he's that guy in the back she's not flying she's on a wire she's on a fucking wire she's not flying she's on a wire and there's no santa claus by the way. And that wire's going to break and she's going to fall on you. You'll probably be paralyzed. And then he had a classic bit about baseball players, you know, what pussies they are compared to hockey players when they get hurt and shit. He goes, you watch hockey, a guy gets in a fight and they're literally sewing his lip back on

and he'll jump back onto the ice, you know, skate away from the guy working on him. Still got the thread needle hanging from his lip. And then in baseball, you put on the game and they'll be like,

the St. Louis Cardinals will be out without the services of first baseman Ozzie Wilson. As you remember, Ozzie was scared by a small child last halloween and then you hear joe garagiola go those kids will scare the hell out of you he does like a perfect joe garagiola those kids will scare the hell out of you um just he had so he had so much shit about Boston traffic, too.

I mean, brilliant shit. One night, he comes out, Nix, he comes out. Okay, now picture this guy. He's in his, this is back in the late 80s. He had to be in his 50s then, maybe 40s.

I don't know, but he looked like he, he comes out one night with a boom box, puts on, Austin hits the button, puts on this hat like Michael Jackson, and hits the button, and he's playing Billie Jean, and does, now picture the whitest, pastiest, whitest guy you could imagine. And fucking goes on to dance exactly like Michael Jackson. Moonwalk, the whole fucking thing to Billie Jean. It was 350 people in the place. He had already done some material and, you know, he was killing and shit. And then he put that on and does the whole, from the whole video.

He must have worked on it for a year. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. The place was mesmerized. They didn't know whether to laugh, to clap. They were freaked out at how a white guy could dance like that. Just a really freaky, brilliantly funny guy, Teddy Bergeron. I hope he's still alive, God damn it. I mean, he wasn't always the healthiest guy.

He used to do a bit about a friend of his being real cocky in a bar he's a real good looking guy he was just so fucking cocky with the girls you know he goes one night we went in there and the hottest girl in the place comes up to uh him and just get and you know stares in his eyes and and his buddy goes to the girl uh you want to fuck and she goes your place of mind and the guy goes well if it's going to be a fucking hassle teddy bergeron look them up that's it kids i'm running out of gas i'm uh but uh had a good time i want to say thank you to everybody at the uh improv and fort lauderdale the staff and everybody. They were great. And not so much the mage at the hotel. And everybody that came out because it was packed almost every night.

And yeah, absolutely. And thank you, kids, for tuning into this. I think it'll be out later tonight. I think that was the plan. I'll be, i'm local for most of the month so uh if you're in the city you know either the stand of the comedy cellar uh one of them they had joints and my agent could call it something uh else but uh yeah i'll be local working on new stuff got a bunch of new stuff uh dvd again still still some places haven't given answers definite yeses or noes yet so i can't uh i can't let you

know either way these things take time but i'm not going to give it that much more time and worse comes to worse sell it myself but uh there's still people you know mulling it around so i don't know what to tell you all right love all you kids i will talk to you soon rinse those filthy asses good night everybody good night until we meet again. Adios. Au revoir. I'll be to see you. guitar solo Bye.