The Nick DiPaolo Show - 036 - Bordering on Insanity

Episode Date: July 1, 2014

Bordering on Insanity

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Yeah, yeah. How are you, kids? T'Pola Podcast on. Hey, anybody know a good driveway guy? I need a new driveway. I don't mean just a seal. I mean, I need this thing scraped down and redone. And I'd say it's about, I don't know, 50 yards long. But I need it on the cheap. You know, I'm getting killed here.

No roof. No fridge. No dishwasher. I'm being murdered. fridge, new dishwasher. I'm being murdered. So if anybody out there who happens to be a fan and

you know knows how to put on blacktop let me know on Twitter or something. I had, you know, we had the roof done and we had this giant dumpster we rented in our driveway. Driveway was already

beat the shit you know over years and years of obviously plowing and all that needed one anyways but um the guy came to get the dumpster you know they backed this truck up and they hook it up and you know they load it on with hydraulics and uh as the hydraulics is pulling the dumpster onto the flatbed it just finished my driveway what was already in critical condition so if anybody knows a good uh a good hot top guy let me know it's the beauty of these things sometimes you can get them done on the cuff uh what the hell's going on kids uh next week what a week from we actually a week from wednesday head up to montreal to the comedy festival to do 15 nasty shows and a some canadian tv show where you can't be so nasty

talked about that last that That'll be fun. I like to try to get away from the dirt once in a while. But, you know, when they give you permission to cut loose. And it's like only, you only have to do like 10 or 12 minutes. It can be a lot of fun. A lot of work. Slayton's hosting. Let me tell you something, fellas.

This is going to be a great show. He's hosting. That's the hardest something, fellas. This is going to be a great show. He's hosting. That's the hardest job, actually. But that'll be fun. Montreal can be fun. I had to, as far as the TV show goes, I had to write a written transcript of my seven minutes. I had to type out every joke, every word to every joke, which is a real pain in the balls. of my seven minutes. I had to type out every joke, every word to every joke,

which is a real pain in the balls. I don't even know if you can say balls. Imagine how to type that shit out, treat us comedians like we're fucking children. Do they do that to musicians? You know what I mean? Did Zeppelin ever have to type out all the lyrics okay so we're gonna be played on tv somewhere i don't know it really is aggravating so had to do that and uh i got that back to a bunch of tax forms all that horse shit

and uh but i haven't been up there in six years and i love that city like i said mother of god if you haven't been go just to look at the broads um you know drink labatt's hanging out the hotel people go bonjour and you go hello and they continue to talk French. I always straighten that out on stage. The first thing I go, hey, when you say bonjour to me and I say hello, that's me telling you I don't speak French. So don't fucking continue with your French. Switch it up because they know both languages.

Unlike us idiots. And I got that to look forward to. Filling in for Dennis Miller on Tuesday. Guest hosting his radio show. It's in about 300 markets. So that'll be fun. What the hell else? Went to watch my wife ride her horse yesterday.

Did you know horses were big pussies? They're scared of everything. Because, you know, they're hunted in the wild. But, I mean, the wind blows and they just freeze and their ears go up. Or we're walking down this, like, dirt road and there's a little drainage ditch to the right. And she, like, stops. Because I don't know what it looks like to her, a 4,000-foot crevice or something. I didn't know such a big, muscular animal could be such a little bitch.

She's gotten a lot better since we got her. But it's so funny, man. Like, she'll be inside the arena if it starts raining. Just the rain on the roof makes horses nuts. I didn't know that. There's a corner of the arena that has wood piled up in it, like furniture and shit, and she's, like, freaked out by that. What the hell kind of animal is this?

But it's pretty cool to see my wife getting this dressage stuff done. I mean, it's unbelievable. You can tell. I'm already learning so much about horses. Well, one thing I like about the horse, when it's in heat, when she brings me up there, the horse immediately turns its ass to me and pisses. Imagine if that was easy.

You're in a nightclub trying to pick up broads if they just thought you were hot. You buy them a fucking vodka and tonic and they just turn around and piss on your shoes as a sign to let's fuck. Oh, come on. That would be great. You great on the dance floor dancing with some heifer and you see a hot chick behind her and she makes eye contact and she just squats and

pisses that's your signal to tell chubby good night uh cool animals though i like i said i was frightened of these things i'm getting a little better. I'm proud that I fed it a carrot. But here's what I don't understand. I see all women up there riding horses. One guy, one or two guys. But every woman I know shits their pants when they see a fucking hornet or a mouse in their house. Yet they're not afraid to jump on something that, you know, if it them would crush them into fine powder i don't get that whatsoever my wife sees a mouse she screams like she was stabbed in the ass with a dirty knitting needle but she'll jump on this horse without

thinking twice if this thing stepped on her foot it would crush it she's picking she's she's like kneeling down picking up the horse's back legs and cleaning its feet and shit with a brush i'm sitting in the corner pissing my pants i don't know pretty cool animal though but now she's got it she's starting to do that dressage stuff she makes a thing like walk you know with its ass sideways you know i mean it's crazy i don't know they control the... And the rider controls the horse with their ass cheeks. My wife, like, just a little bit of weight shift to her right and the horse. It's crazy, man.

Never knew so much went into it. I'm sure it'll cost me 12 dimes before she gets to the first level, novice level. And we'll be living in a fucking lean-to by the time she wins her first blue ribbon. She thinks she's fucking Donald Drape's wife. Anyway, that's that. That's that. What the hell else?

Going to The Stand Wednesday night and Thursday night here in the city at The Stand and Comedy Club. Be doing a few sets. DVD-wise, still touch and go here. So, I don't know

what to tell you. I don't know. It's a killer set, but now I'm not sure I'm crazy how it looks. So, I don't know what to tell you. It'll get out there soon.

But whatever. I don't rush these things, okay? Okay. I didn't think it would take this long either. But we had some audio files that were corrupted that slowed us down, and now there's all kinds of other stuff. Anyways. Political correctness run amok. we talk about it every week it's it's getting to the point where i can't even the people on the left you've lost your fucking

minds white liberals basically who i'm talking to not everybody obviously but um you've lost your fucking minds that's all i have to say to you. It's a true story, okay? This is the headline. Army's Apache under assault. PC police, meaning politically correct police, call helicopters name racist. Okay? We haven't reached the tipping point, folks.

Please. How the fuck can you agree with anybody that thinks like this? There's a story in the Washington Post. Charged that the Apache and the Comanche and the Chinook and the Lakota and the Cheyenne and the Kiowa military vehicles were a greater symbolic injustice than the NFL's Washington Redskins name. Oh, God god what the fuck what the hell's going on out here even if the nfl and redskins i'm reading from the article brass come to their senses and rename the team a greater symbolic injustice would continue to afflict indians an injustice perpetuated not by a football club but by our federal government simon waxman of the

boston review wrote for the washington post on thursday hey simon go shit in your hat you fucking jag off how's that for intelligent commentary that's how i feel uh sick that's all it deserves this type of shit doesn't deserve deserve debate. Just fuck off. He added that the helicopter names were propaganda that needed to end because Native American life expectancy statistics indicate the quote-unquote violence is ongoing, even if the guns are silent. What in Christ's creation does that even mean? Ha ha ha.

Christ creation, does that even mean? Ha, ha, ha. Some of the readers at this website, it's called Doctrine Man Reacted. And this guy nails it right on the head, in my opinion. I suspect that the author is less unhappy that our choppers have Indian names and more unhappy that there is a U.S. military. Exactly. Somebody else wrote, what flaws me is that for the most part, it isn't American Indians who are offended. Exactly. Somebody else wrote, what flaws me is that for the most part,

it isn't American Indians who are offended. It is guilt-ridden white liberals being offended on their behalf. Exactly. Exactly. Un-freaking-believable. Just unbelievable. Defies all fucking reality. I thought we... And what if we uh okay what what if we

change the name what if they we didn't name them after native americans and just named them after like you know um people based uh that were uh important to uh the founding of this country you know name shit after the founding fathers you know called planes called planes the Thomas Jeffersons and what would they do? They'd be whining that that was racist and not inclusive. Just fucking whiny elitist jerk-offs

who just have nothing better to do but whine. Simon Waxman. Somebody find him and slap him across the face real hard if you know him. If you know him,

I doubt you'll listen to this podcast. But what a dick. What a dick. Those names, by the way, you know, they're chosen as a positive thing. Like Washington Redskin, you know. Let's just start naming everything

after famous white guys, just to piss everybody off. Famous straight white guys, that's all we should name planes after, and tanks, and guns. Just totally exclude everybody else, since they're offended when we do include them. Just totally, just all white, male, heterosexual, famous guys that hailed from this country.

Why don't we do that? See what happens. See the whining reach a feverish pitch. Did you ever think it would get to this? Honestly, folks, did you? Did you really? Really? Honestly, folks, did you?

Did you really? Another article from the politically correct insane column. This is the headline. Benjamin Moore, the paint company, sued for racial discrimination after paint company named Brown Hughes after a black employee. Clinton Tucker, who is a black guy, worked for the company's website in New Jersey starting in 2011. He says he was fired for repeatedly complaining about their paint colors, Clinton Brown and Tucker Chocolate. Those are two names of two paints. Clinton Brown and Tucker Chocolate.

This idiot thought they were, you know, giving him a zing by naming the colors that he's suing Benjamin Moore. After he says the paint company named two brown paint tones after him. Excuse me. What the hell's going on out here? He claims, Clinton Tucker claims he was given the boot in March after he repeatedly complained about the colors. Woo. And this is Benjamin Moore, the company says, the color remained on the Benjamin Moore website as of Sunday,

where its description suggests the name has its origin in colonial Williamsburg. Capturing the 1798 color requested by St. George Tucker, this is the true origin of the name, for his home facing a courthouse green, this deep brown is classic and understated, reads the site. Regardless of its purported beginnings, being a black man

named Clinton Tucker, the plaintiff found this color name to be extremely racially offensive. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, God. Gotta be kidding me.

In addition, Benjamin Moore has a color called Clinton Brown, reads the suit a benjamin moore employee pointed this out to the plaintiff a benjamin moore employee had appointed out their plaintiff and thought it was funny the suit notes that benjamin moore also has a paint color called confederate red offensively described by benjamin moore as a timeless and enduring classic tucker believes that he was denied opportunities.

Now we get to the crux of what really the problem is. He was denied opportunities to advance because of his race. Wham! More victimhood. Despite spending countless hours in the office, and that his, and this is his, quote unquote, this is his words, two white, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed subordinates remained at the company after his termination. That's all you need to know right there.

Whenever a black fella brings up blonde hair, blue eye, he wants to say devils, but he doesn't. Because, you know, this is an article. He's seeking damages for discrimination and retaliation in a hostile work environment. Oh, please help me, Lord Jesus Christ. What's it like to be a professional victim? How, when you suck at your job, you have a built-in excuse? What a dick.

Doesn't even sound smart enough to be hired in the first place. Therein lies the problem. Let's lower the standards in this country out of fairness and hire fucking morons. Give me a fucking break. Yeah, they named the two paints after you. They were teasing you.

You have to be kidding. Although I found, you know, I was in Benjamin with you. The chinky yellow was one of the colors I was going to do my bathroom in. And I thought that was a little over the top you know they have another one um i think uh native american red i'm just kidding they don't but in the in a perfect world they would it would all laugh about it. Shitty, greasy Italian brown.

We could all have a good chuckle. But no, this is where the white liberal elitist jerk-offs have taken us. Hypersensitivity to a new level. Everybody sees themselves as a victim. Can you imagine? Like one Native American ever complained about a helicopter being called Apache. Have you heard that up to this point? Up to this article? I haven't.

Total horseshit. Total, total horseshit. Um. What the hell else is going on? Well, the illegals. Obama's abusing his policies. He said he was going to fundamentally change this. And, oh, is he sticking it right up our kazoos?

I mean, what's going on on the Texas border with all these refugees showing up from El Salvador? And where else? Honduras. And now they're clamming, they're fleeing from violence, you know. And the bus stops in McAllen, Texas. Have you seen the bus stops in Texas? What's going on there? You get kids showing up without parents,

like ages eight and under. And I guess it's a result of our country's policies. It's just fucking crazy what's going on yeah laredo texas there was some pictures of the greyhound bus station the uh immigrants come across as an incomplete family and uh enter the u.s uh illegally they turn themselves into u.s border patrol agents then they're processed then released with a notice illegally. They turned themselves in to U.S. Border Patrol agents. Then they're processed, then released with a notice to appear at a future date for court proceedings. Yeah, you get a better chance of me showing up for jury duty next time. The U.S. taxpayers then fund bus tickets for the illegal immigrants

to go to the U.S. city of their choosing. Approximately 95% of the illegal immigrants never return as promised for court proceedings, naturally. According to Hector Garza, he's a Border Patrol agent and spokesperson for the National Border Patrol Council. Can you imagine? He says right here, this right here is border insecurity at its best. Our border is not patrolled. It's not being secured. Our federal government is releasing thousands and thousands of legal aliens into our communities.

I mean, that's just impeachable right there. The president's first job is to protect the sovereignty of this nation and to protect the people inside its borders. That's like the first rule. And, you know, he's just letting everybody in. What's dangerous is, okay, it's not just hardworking people and people who are fleeing from violence. Everybody's coming in, okay, through Central America, up through Mexico, okay? You get people that are on watch lists for terrorism. I mean, that's the thing.

It's just a matter of time before we have another 9-11. I mean, it's just unbelievable. And then the taxpayer has to pick up the bill. I suggest, folks, stop paying our laws since nobody else has to. If you're in a store, like I said, you see a nice pair of boots, take them and run. I mean, let's cause some lawlessness. Nobody else is having the, this is just crazy. I went to doctors.

I had to show my ID. I haven't had to ever do that. Show my license, not just my insurance card, my license. The first thing she asked for. But Dems don't want people having to show their license when they vote. What the fuck is going on here?

Really? How does that make any sense? God. really, how does that make any sense, God, I can't imagine living down on those border towns, can you imagine, the shit when you feel safe at night, people just pour it in, but of course,

listen to your white libs, they'll tell you they're all here to work, they're all here to work. They're all here to work and do good things. Which most of them are. I mean, as I say this, I have some guys from Uruguay. Not Uruguay. Where the hell is it? I don't know, but they're outside.

And I just helped them move a giant gargoyle that my wife bought to put in the yard that i love by the way under my suggestion thing must weigh 600 pounds there's five of us trying to move it and none of them speak english i come out this is where we are i come out because uh it looks like they needed some help so they when i open the door and they look at me, I flex. And they all started laughing. Apparently weren't too impressed.

But they're so small. It's like four of them and they're tiny. Hardest working guy. I love these guys. I mean, that's what I'm saying. This is not an illegal, you know, this is not an anti-immigrant rant Because nobody works harder than these guys And longer

And most of them are religious And hard working people But I'm just talking about You know You gotta have some order Don't ya Well you'll find out soon After the next attack

Like we don't have the money To put fucking 12,000 soldiers Three deep Along the southern border Where are these guys from? God damn it I should know that I forget

Guys at my yard Not Ecuador. It might be Ecuador, actually. What the hell else? Yeah, they throw them on buses. Now they're trying to meet up with family members that are already here. And here in New York City, they throw them on buses. Now they're trying to meet up with family members that are already here. And here in New York City, they're already putting together some counsel. So they have public defenders in case they need them. If somebody tries to deport them, they'll have a lawyer. And again, you pay for all this shit.

It's over. It's over, folks. I was reading a funny article in the Post this weekend about all the... Of course, Louis C.K. came to mind. All the rich people who have boats now but don't know how to drive them. It's funny. I was laughing my balls off. People just, you know, running aground. One lady backed over her tow line or got a rope caught in a propeller did like twenty

thousand dollars worth of damage and then a coast guard has to come out or whoever are the local authorities and save these people but the the incidents are up like 60 percent down in the ham it's just i just thought of louis because he ran he ran his uh boat aground in harlem guys heard that story and it was almost like low tide so he was stuck there for like 12 hours they had to they had to get food out to him somehow oh my god but uh apparently this is you know driving a boat i don't know if you've ever done it when i was in high school we had a 16 foot fiberglass silver line i think i had mentioned uh mentioned this before, but my old man was a speed dam. He puts a 150 Black Max Mercury engine on a 16-foot fiberglass boat.

So it did about 55, 58 miles an hour, which on the water is flying. It feels like you're doing 150. And we used to get, you know, I used to get at the top speed and would jump out. I mean, if I was driving, I wouldn't jump up. But whoever was driving obviously had to drive. But the rest of us would jump out just I mean, if I was driving, I wouldn't jump out, but whoever was driving obviously had to drive, but the rest of us would jump out just to see what it felt like. It would knock the wind out of you. But it's not like driving a car, you know.

You got to know what you're doing. That's why CK has big balls, man. When he came up here to pick me up, up here in northern Westchester, I never laughed so hard in my life. He just pulled that thing in there. He missed two other boats by about three inches. Guy wasn't even sweating. It was crazy.

But, yeah, I fucking, I loved it when we had a boat. We used to, well, the first time I took it out, my old man's like, all right, I'll let you take it out. I go, you know, of course, I have about five of my friends on. We have about eight cases of beer. And my buddy Mike Cizinski, he had a boat, but he knew how to drive it. He had been driving it a while. And we all head out after school on a summer day.

This was in Massachusetts. We're heading out to Pleasure Island or something like that. Anyways, this kid comes up behind me who went to high school with me. I forget his name, and I won't mention it. Something else. It doesn't matter. But anyways, he was in one of those little Boston Whalers with a little engine. He comes up and kills his engine and coasts.

I'm not even out on the water for an hour with my parents' boat. I'm not even out on the water for an hour with my parents' boat. And he kills his engine and glides and hits the back of my engine and cracks the cover on my old man's 150 Black Max Mercury engine. Can you imagine? Of course, I got like eight beers in me. I'm trying to jump into his boat. I was so fucking furious. And he didn't mean it looking back on it, but I'm sure he was drunk too.

I was frigging, because if you knew my old man, you know, I'm like, this is, I am in for some, I'll never see this boat again. We weren't even out there an hour. And he cracks the engine cover. And it only gets worse. Then we go out that day, and we're water skiing in the Danvers River, Danvers-Beverly-Salem River, I should say, and I had a slalom ski because I was just getting good at it, learning how to water ski with one ski, and I forget, one of my buddies was skiing, and you drop a ski. You know, you start off on two, and you drop a ski with one ski and uh i forget one of my buddies was skiing and you drop a ski you know

you start off on two and you drop a ski that works in a lake because then you can come around you know after you've made a few laps and pick up the ski but i forgot we're in a river with a current so we never found that ski that my buddy dropped that That was mine. Okay. And then. What else did we do with that boat? The crack engine cover. And then we pulled up to Singing Beach in Manchester. This was a different day.

Again, all drinking. And I get like. I'm overloaded on my boat. As soon as I got near the beach. A lifeguard started blowing his whistle. All my friends jump off the front of the boat, like eight of them, shit-faced.

They're carrying beer, start charging the beach like Normandy, only with like Miller High Life under their arms. And the wife, the lifeguard's blowing his fucking whistle and waving,

making some hand gestures to me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm in about five feet of water and, you know, I threw out the little anchor and we chased broads that afternoon. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing I'm in about five feet of water And uh You know I threw out the uh Little anchor And we chased broads that afternoon

And Then get back into the boat Um That wasn't that bad a day Two of my buddies got in a fight They were drunk But um And then there was a day

We all went out again And uh We get out there And I throw anchor, and whatever, and after four or five hours of drinking, I go to start the boat, and the battery's dead. Dead as a doornail. And I was worried because my buddy Mike, I'm like, he's going to come by and laugh his ass off. So we finally get some people.

Some other people on the boat saw that we were in a little bit of distress, you know, so they towed us in. And who do we see as we're being towed in, in front of us being towed? My buddy Mike. And he had like a nice Sea Ray boat. He had like a bigger boat. And so just a couple adults trying to impress chicks in our fucking batteries dying. We're being towed in like idiots.

I think a boat is like a pool. They're a lot of fun if your friends own them. You don't have to deal with all the horse shit. They're keeping them in a slip and stuff. Stuff gets pretty expensive. Another time we took our boat up to this camp in maine my family and i was with my buddy greg zook he's the cop slash detective down in miami and we were notorious for when we got together for fucking up everything on these trips we used to rent this camp up and right on the

maine new hampshire border in the summer right on this lake and you know my parents would rent it and Zook would always come up and we would always me and him would just fuck up so I'll never forget this the first day we get up there um me Zook and my old man we find the place you know the ramp where you put your boat in, in the lake. It was about, you know, it was like halfway around the lake. It was a pretty big, a couple miles from where the actual camp was. So my old, you know, we back to the boat down the ramp. My old man says, okay, I'm going to bring it over to the camp.

You guys take the car back with the trailer. Okay. It should take, you know, maybe 10 minutes to get back to the camp, if that. Cut to three hours later, me and Zooka lost. Come on, it was up in the woods of Maine.

There were no signs and shit. We made a wrong turn somewhere. We're like in the woods and we're on a dead end. Now we're trying to turn it around with a boat trailer on it. That was the funniest fucking thing ever. We show up like two hours hours later my old man's just shaking his head

going you two fucking assholes you two fucking asshole and i'd say not even an hour later like that i uh i go into the bathroom and clog the toilet just it was non-stop just just nonstop mayhem. And it only gets better. All of a sudden, the next day, it's like noontime. A storm starts a brewing. It starts raining. My old man yells down to me and Zook, hey, bring those two. We had those. We bought a couple of really nice rafts, like two-man rafts that you blow up.

I mean, pretty expensive shit. He goes, bring those up. They weren't tied up. Drag them up here. So, you know. Of course, we puncture both of them. Oh, man. If you could have seen the old man's face, he's just like, you two are the biggest.

But the best came the next day. The best was the next day. My old man wants to go water skiing. And me and Zook are in the boat driving and uh my old man uh you know takes a couple laps he wipes out because i was probably going way too fast um and if you've done this if you want to ski before or if you've driven the boat pulling water ski when somebody wipes out you come around with a rope right you make a circle when you try to get the rope close to the guy in the water so he can grab it and start over again well i did just what the broad did down on the

hamptons that i read in the paper i backed up because my buddy told me to and i cut the fucking toe line my old man's holding on to the uh you know the the handles. And it just, you see all the tension just go bing. And he starts yelling at us. He's in the lake. And he's swearing at us. And it's echoing throughout the lake. And he's floating. And, you know, now I'm trying to bring the boat around to get him.

And meanwhile, while he's in there, I go, hey, Dad, look to your left. There's a snake sticking his head out of the water. About 10 feet from my old man, who was only one thing in life he was afraid of. It was snakes. He's like, get me in that fucking boat now. Oh, man. Clogging a toilet. Puncturing the rafts. Getting lost with a trailer.

Cutting the rope. All in about three days arrival. Just notorious. So, uh, so boats, yeah, unless you're really, really rich you can have somebody

take care of them. I don't know. I gotta give C.K. a lot of credit, man. Takes his kids out and shit on that. He should be taking out dirty skanks,

you know. He's in show business. He's at that upper level now. He should be trying to bang everything that moves. Give a shit. He's divorced. I'm sure he is.

You know, that's going to be the next picture, him in the post. With Gwyneth Paltrow shopping for fucking avocados. Um. The hell else? When's soccer going to go away? Can I just ask that? Fucking hating it.

I really hate it. You got to admit, folks. I can't wait for this World Cup shit to be over. It's so funny. It's just people, it just proves you can be a sucker for marketing. It's just

so fucked. I could give a shit. Ooh, Germany and Uruguay. And it's all you see. You go into Manhattan, you look at the restaurants and bars just like anything else. It's like shit house music that everybody plays. Just people don't even think, just put it on, because that's the thing. So fucking horrible. Hope it's over soon. Watch the Sox and Yankees

this weekend. Both those teams are sad. I know the Sox took two or three. I mean, as bad as they've been, they're still in this thing. They're only about six and a half out. But the Yankees, they're like, what, a game and a half, two games out? But their pitching stinks. And the Sox still have a chance, man.

The Sox have a great bullpen and great pitching. If they could just go out and get Middlebrooks healthy. Shane Victorino is just, I think he's played 10 games this year. And he missed a ton last year. Luckily, he was healthy for the World Series. I've never seen a more fragile player. And he's like a tough little guy. I don't know what the fuck his hamstrings, what the problem is.

Hamstrings and back. Can't get this guy on the field. Middlebrooks either. He can't stay healthy. They brought up a kid last night, Mookie Betts, who's like 21 years old. And he can run like a deer. And he got his first hit and his second at bat. And they apparently, they have all this

talent, the Sox, in double A and triple A. So come the deadline, you know, July 31st and people start making moves, we have a lot of barter chips, apparently. That's what I keep reading and hearing. But Jesus, we're going to need them. We got nothing offensively. We stink. We got that kid Brock Holt. They're going to be killer in a few years, the Sox. They got all this young stuff if it comes to fruition. But you never know. I mean, Middlebrooks is supposed to be the next, you know, next great thing. And he's not doing anything.

And Jackie Bradley Jr. has improved. He can hit major league pitching consistently. He's got a gun of an arm. He's great doing anything. And Jackie Bradley Jr. has improved. He can hit major league pitching consistently. He's got a gun of an arm. He's great defensively. But Ortiz is just a – I'd make him piss in a cup too. I mean, all of them. He is just so good, man. I've never seen a guy so clutch.

He hit one last night at Yankee stadium that was just monstrous and you knew it was coming because the pitcher was getting whacked around by even the weak hitters on the socks and then uh ortiz comes on up like this is this could this could be fun him and napoli they're carrying us other than that pu dan Daniel Nava came back from the minors but the Yankees are pretty impressive they got some young bullpen guys everybody that comes in throws 96, 97

with movement oh boy you hear that those are the guys oh no no don't do it here those are the Ecuadorians I was telling you about working in my yard. Oh, shit. He's a foot away.

I don't know if I should pause this. Listen, folks. Listen. How appropriate. I'm talking about... God bless him. I thought one of them was going to die moving that statue.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh, socks, yanks. I don't know. What else do I want to talk about That's about it Not much I know I'd like to get some guests on here But I live up in East Bumfuck

What am I going to do It's hard to get people out here Driveway Montreal Benjamin Moore Apache illegals coming to a city near you oh

let's talk about Sopranos I was watching them last night let me tell you something it's funny people said ah that show you know it started off strong with

you know you gotta watch it again a few week episodes in the in the middle maybe but even though it's better than anything that's on tv but the last couple seasons with frank vincent playing philly at harta and i mean he goes to war with t. And Uncle Junior being put in a nut house. You know, it's a nursing home slash mental institution. It was some of the funniest shit. They did an episode where Uncle Junior, it was sort of a takeoff in Cuckoo's Nest. He would be like the R.P. McMurphy, Nicholson's character.

It was sort of like a ripoff of that. It was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen and uh last night I watched the episode where um Tony and Pauly Walnuts go down to Florida on a road trip because the FBI was going to dig up a body it was Tony's first guy they whacked back in the early 80s buried under some condo or something, and the FBI was digging it up. So they had to split, and Pauly Walnuts just nonstop talking because he lives alone. And it sort of reminded me of myself when I, before I met my wife, I was living, you know, in my own apartment. And you get like that. You get squirrely when you

live by yourself when you finally do make contact you don't shut up i remember my friends going jesus christ what got into you or i'd call somebody on the phone i'd yeah boy that's what happens yeah you need to be saved from yourself and you know it only gets worse when you get older i guess but that's basically what this episode was. Paulie Walnuts driving Tony nuts on the road trip. And, you know, they're talking about getting old and reminiscing. It was really kind of sad. And near the end of the episode, Tony's, you know, totally had it with Paulie Walnuts. And he's out on the balcony of his hotel.

And he hears some guy laughing like a fucking maniac. This crazy laugh. And he looks down. And it's Pauly Walnut sitting at the end of his bed. Down in his room, like on the second floor. Watching Three's Company. And cackling like it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Oh my God, I was done.

It's this show just it just the segues and stuff there's so much subtle shit that I didn't catch you know the first after the first 10 times I watch them that you catch the 11th time Carmela is in France

with her best friend they're in Paris and Carmela is looking at all the beautiful, you know, architecture and sculptures, and she's getting all misty-eyed and stuff, and she's looking at this sculpture of this baby or whatever, and she's like, oh, my God, who did this?

Look how beautiful. And then the scene ends, and the next scene, it cuts right to Silvio Dante in the parking lot at the Bada Beng Strip Club. And there's a guy up in the ladder washing the Bada Beng sign. And Sylvia goes, make sure to get that shit off her tit. Going from Carmela looking at statues thousands of years old in Paris to a guy wiping shit off a stripper's tit on a sign in front of a titty bar in New Jersey.

I almost shit my pants. And then the gay guy Vito, he's in bed with Johnny Cakes, his boyfriend there, which is, you know, of course, I'm sure HBO made sure they included gay, a couple episodes about gays, but Vito's in bed with his boyfriend behind him, and they're snuggling. And the scene ends. And what's the next thing you see? You see Bobby Bacala playing with the train set. It shows a train going into a tunnel.

That little subtle metaphor. Shit like that. You don't even pick up a... Tony's having a discussion with his sister, who's a known leech. Always hitting him up for money every time. She comes back from Seattle. This is like season two. She comes back, and they're out by the pool.

And she's, you know, they're talking. And, of course, at the end, she asks him for like 300 bucks, like she always does. She walks away, and the camera cuts to the built-in pool. One of those things, those vacuums at the bottom that self cleans the pool no and she's a bottom feeder shit like that symbolism just fucking hilarious but uncle jr in the nut house with the old people is some of the funniest shit he's sitting around he organizes these illegal poker games and they're using buttons for chips. And he's just this curmudgeon, and he's fucking mean and doesn't want to be there.

It's the funniest goddamn thing. So he starts telling jokes to these lunatics sitting around the table. And everybody's laughing, but there's one guy in a wheelchair that just starts bawling because he's crazy. But this is Uncle Junior doing his stand-up act. These things just struck me so funny. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks.

Don't you have a vase? There's a guy in a wheelchair that starts bawling, crying, upset, because he's like, you know, not mentally fucking fit to be there, and just starts crying. And Uncle Junior had a few more, you know. Remember the old one? What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? Hello, ladies.

Just the corniest, oldest shit, but he's delivering it with such pride. This is the shit that makes me laugh. And then he's sitting there, and they're doing, like, arts and crafts. And, of course, he's the only one that's not doing it. All the other lunatics have their crayons and stuff. And the nurse goes, Corrado, you can make a hand turkey. And he just gives her a look and goes,

for Christmas, fucking idiot. Then he gets into it with another patient there who is a professor well listen it's a guy who ratted him out for setting up these illegal poker games with the nuts but this is uncle junior fucking letting him have it this guy has the balls to confront junior by the way he like pisses himself because he doesn't have the right medication and stuff. You gotta watch that episode. But here's Uncle Junior not taking shit from the professor. Now I'll start by making a mountain fold on each corner.

Folding the corners into the center of the paper. Touché, Captain Blood. Let's do three mountain folds. Checkers, the thinking man's game. You're looking for a smack in the fucking mouth? Corrado.

Language, please. Talking to the professor. Everybody have this? Okay. What do you want? If you'd move, perhaps I could reach the chess set. And if I don't, what the fuck are you going to do to it? You don't intimidate me.

Corrado. Corrado. Perhaps I could reach the chess set. And if I don't, what the fuck are you going to do then? You don't intimidate me. Corrado. So, we take the mountain. You're lucky she's here, you little prick. Naturally. You're only tough when there's an authority figure nearby, so things don't go too far. Oh, how the mighty have fought.

Corrado! Boy, tea in his face. Get him! Get him! That's the type of shit that makes me I was down here by myself crying uncle junior doing his stand-up act i'm telling you it is the best show in the history of the friggin world you never get tired of it and it's kind of hitting home because my dad's getting my dad's gonna be 79 in october he still has his marbles but you know he's convinced otherwise and um it's sad, man. Uncle Junior, by the way, at the end of this episode,

gets beat up by this young Asian kid who was his ally throughout the episode, helped him set up the card games. But then Uncle Junior started taking his medication and kind of tuning him out. So the Asian kid gets mad and attacks Uncle Junior. But it's just sad at the end of the episode.'re outside and uh all the patients are playing with pets and it slowly pans over to uncle jr sitting in a wheelchair with uh in his robe you can tell he's drugged out just like rp mcmurphy and he's petting it like this crazy looking cat sitting on his lap he's got like a bruise on his face but just uh just sort of it's i mean man it's hitting home

that's and that's i mean if it ends good that's how it ends for you if you if you don't die premature you know i mean oh god help us but the old man's 79 and um my old man's still pretty physically great he looks like he's gonna live till he's going to live until he's 100, you know. But it's hard, man, you know. The house that I grew up in and stuff, we're talking about, you know, a few years. You've got to think about what you're going to do with it because they can't take care of it anymore. I don't know. I'm 52. I feel like I'm 32. I feel like I'm 32.

I feel like I'm 22 mentally, which most people would agree with. But that's what's creepy. And I don't have kids, so ain't nobody taking care of me or my wife. I just picture us as homeless somewhere, living in Peekskill under a bridge. But, um... I don't know. I think I'll get in the car and shut the garage door. Pull one of those if it gets too bad.

You gotta have kids to take care of you, you know? What are you, my nieces and nephews gonna fucking... Come on. I didn't think twice about my... All the relatives when I was a kid. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

What the hell else? That's about it, kids. Where's my date book, yeah, so if anybody knows a good driveway paving guy, there's like two parts to my driveway, there's a part that goes right up to the garage doors, but then there's a part that leads from the private road. You know what I mean? It's about 50 yards long, and that's, you know how they put a crown on a road so the rain runs off? It's crowning so much, it's so old

that it's hard to plow now, so. But there's got to be some Ginzaloons out there who are fans. Christ almighty, shit in the hat. I love living in my house. I love it, but let me tell you something. I miss those days

of being in an apartment and something busts. You just call the superintendent. There is no plowing. There is no grass. It's always a trade-off, I guess. What else? That's about it, got another week of antibiotics,

that whole Lyme thing, after reading it, it's like, they don't even know what the fuck, even if the medication kills the bacteria, you can still test positive down the line, it's like crazy, I went to my regular doctor, but of course, I was scheduled for a cholesterol test, like I said, and liver enzyme. But you can't do that when you're on antibiotics. Of course, that dawns on me on the way over there. And sure enough, he said I was right about that. But he was trying to talk me out of smoking which i i'm not a big smoker i have one or two cigarettes a day not even every day sometimes i go weeks without one i don't know

but he's saying it doesn't matter and he's got a little app that showed me when you put in all my vitals and stuff i'm really healthy you know 5% chance of heart disease. That's it. But even having a few cigarettes, it goes up to like 10 because it can thicken your cholesterol. A piece could break off and go to you. Yeah, whatever the fuck. I can't even quit one or two, though. I can't imagine people that, like my sister, who was a

two-pack a day, quits cold turkey. I don't know how you do that. I'm weak, basically, is what I'm telling you. I'm fucking weak i gotta finish the antibiotics and then uh i'll be up in montreal you give it a week or so grace period and then we're gonna do the lipid test to see where my cholesterol is at uh i had a history of uh high cholesterol and uh see where my liver enzymes are at a few years ago they put me on cresto and i didn't like it i thought i felt a dull ache in high cholesterol and see where my liver enzymes are at. A few years ago, they put me on Crestor and I didn't like it. I thought I felt a dull ache in my liver.

I don't know, I was imagining it. And the guy goes, no, some people, you know. So I took myself off those. You know, I wasn't super high. Like, no McDonald's cholesterol was like 380 or 400. I never get up to that. But this female doctor said, you try glycerides. They're so high, I or 400. I never get up to that. But this female doctor said, your triglycerides were so high I couldn't even read them. So she puts me on some fucking crap.

Then I said to her nurse, does she get a cut of that after she left the room? She gets a cut of all this medication. She goes, yeah. Yeah, okay. So anyways, I got her back down to the normal ranges. As Polly Walnut said about his PSA test for his prostate cancer, two doses of radiation, trying to knock the PSA down to the single digits, T.

So I took myself off the Crestor a few years ago. Look, I still exercise more than most guys my age and eat pretty healthy. I snap every once in a while, like when I go up to Montreal. So I don't know what good those tests are tests gonna be when i get back from montreal um yeah so they don't even know you know i could just just read it if you're interested in the lyme disease it sounds like i have it for the rest of my life or I may or may not, you know. You can test positive for it

and still not have it. I don't fucking get it. That's about it, ladies and gentlemen. The stand and then Montreal, like I said, July 9th

through like 13 and then 24th through 26th if you're up in Montreal and the comedy festival's a ball. And then August 2nd, the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, Connecticut, and the Atlanta Improv somewhere near the end of August. Go to nickdip.com for my schedule.

And that's it. You kids are great great the podcast is growing we check the numbers every few weeks and it's still growing it's on it's way up it's only been about

eight months alrighty until next time rinse those asses I'll talk to you soon goodnight until we meet again adios rinse those asses we'll talk to you soon guitar solo I'm out.