The Nick DiPaolo Show - 037 - AGT Joe Matarese

Episode Date: July 8, 2014

AGT Joe Matarese

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. How are you? Famous guest in the house. And it's not Joe Liz. It's another Joe. That's Joe Matariz of America's Got Talent last night. I mean, he hit a grand slam. He got a standing ovation, which everybody gets, but he's back on the show. I only have Joe's on. I got Joe Torre next week, so tune in if you believe that.

Hi, Joey. How you is? I is good. Yeah? Yeah. So, nice job. You know, you call me or you text me yesterday saying I'm on America's Got Talent. You text, right?

Yesterday? Yeah. Did I just tell? I think I just told. I said, if you're curious. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not curious. I don't give a shit. No. I was like, I think I just told, I said, if you're curious. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not curious. I don't give a shit.

No. I was like, I'm glad you told me. And you know, I forgot about it, don't you? I got on to doing other shit and got busy and then around. I don't know. I don't watch anything that anybody tells me they're going to be on. So I was amazed that you watched. I watched it this morning.

I'm amazed. On the internet. I don't care. Well, I like, I really think, I'm not just kissing your ass you're a funny guy you've been at it for 25 years and i watched that america's good talent i'm you know i've seen the show twice in my life apparently america's good cancer the fucking funny bone uh no but i watched it and you were great and you look great on tv your kids were there if there's not some executive i mean this is a sitcom waiting to happen isn't it i mean well it's funny they they edited out

you punching your wife no they you know what's fun they edited out all all the angst i said to my wife i go do you know how rare it is to be on a reality tv show and not be in a fight with your wife after it airs or you know because usually they want dirt you know they rare it is to be on a reality TV show and not be in a fight with your wife after it airs? You know, because usually they want dirt. You know, they want you to be an asshole. They took, I mean, I didn't act like an asshole in my set or off stage, but I brought up. No, you came across as the sweet, sweetheart of Sigma Chi. No, but there was stuff that I brought up that they didn't use, like about my anxiety and my medications that got laughs off of Howard Stern and stuff like that, and they didn't keep that in.

I thought that was going to be my storyline. They kept all family shit. Yeah. Right? That's all they wanted. That's what I'm saying. Why can't they let you be? I mean, 25 years you've been developing your act,

and how much time do they make you do on the job? 90 seconds. Oh, my God. I told my wife it was three and you do on the job 90 seconds oh my god i told my wife was three and a half minutes and i 90 seconds yeah so what the fuck can you tell from 90 seconds from a comic it's like you almost have to cram your bits in in the in the interview that's an insult to what you do for a living yeah but you came across because you have good material though it wasn't that you know i'm a dummy and my wife's smart and you get funny shit i went long

i went 30 seconds long but if you watch it on tv they cut up i'm so anal and you're probably this way it's the name of my next uh podcast episode you're probably the same way when your stand-up airs and you know they have the power to edit it i wouldn't know i haven't been on tv since the early 50s what shows have you done where they edit and you don't know exactly what it's going to look like until it comes on? Oh, I don't know. Like a Comedy Central things usually edit. Yeah, I did three half hours on there and they did some editing, but they were pretty good about it. You didn't mind it?

Well, they would call me and would talk on the phone and I'm like, please, there was some woman in charge, believe it or not. And I'm like, please leave that in. There was some leeway. Okay. I remember not being that in. There was some leeway. Okay. I remember not being that pissed when I saw my second one. The half hours were good. To me, the shows that looked bad for me are the short ones when you have to do a five. When you do seven and they cut it down to like four.

Well, of course. They take premise out. Yeah. Well, that's what happened on America's Got Talent last night. Really? If you watch the joke I do about the over 40 softball team yeah it looks like i just break out into an announcer's voice for no reason if you watch on america's got talent well you know what it didn't i've only seen you to do that bit a couple times in a club and i love that bit

and they actually it actually was i just remember wait, that bit's longer than that. Yeah. But that's only because I knew. Okay. People at home who hadn't seen that bit, you know, 90 seconds. I mean, for Christ's sake. Do they give the acrobats and the fucking. Everybody. Unicycles? Really?

That show's built for, you know, if you've got a great voice, you can tell in two seconds. Boom. You hit a couple of notes. You got them. comedy is definitely harder i mean you did the well you watch the youtube version this is how anal i am too the part that i loved about the tv version is what howard stern says to me it's not in the youtube version i'm like fuck why that was the best moment to me in the whole thing where he goes at the very end of it he says uh you have two things i love in a comic uh you were hilarious and inspirational and he like when howard stern

says something that wasn't in there and no it's not in the youtube clip it's only on tv it was on tv last night no it wasn't yeah did you watch it on dvr or did you watch a youtube clip oh i don't know you watched a youtube clip on Oh, I don't know. You watched a YouTube clip. On the internet, I guess. Yeah. He said, I like what you did. You tell your young kids that life sucks or whatever. Yeah. That was a shorter version than what aired on television last night. Who gives a shit? Television,

millions of people saw it. Yeah. That's what you want. But that's how anal I am. I'm like, what about the... You can get a million hits on those YouTube. That's just being a comic. That's crazy, right? What's crazy? I don't know if I'm like an overly sensitive person. No.

But when something makes me feel something when I'm watching, that's what reality shows are built on. Are you calling this a reality show? No. Oh. I'm saying watching America's Got Talent. Like if you remove to me which was a beat that to me

gave it emotion, I actually noticed that it's missing and I don't know if a lot of people do. No. But yeah, I'm crazy. You're not crazy. That's being a comic. You think? Well yeah, because you worked on that bit for years. I'm not even talking about the bit I'm saying what Howard Stern said

The compliment Now you're just being an asshole No No Of course No Of course you'd want that in there Yeah

If you did Letterman And then you know I did See the thing on the wall over there See where it says okay Yeah Under the card So

Letterman probably came over Because I know you I got the panel You got You did amazing. And he said nice stuff. I bet him saying nice stuff almost feels better than the crowd laughing. I think they go hand in hand. You think?

No. When someone like you... Back then, yes. In the early 20s when I did my first Letterman. Yeah, no, that was pretty cool. Just hearing that, yeah. And then pretty cool that that you know just hearing that yeah and then he handed me that card that said okay and it was better than okay it was a killer fucking set right i was hoping somebody i think joe listed i think he's being sarcastic

with it i'm like i hope so knock the shit out of the room what did it what do you mean he said okay see the card i'm looking i have bad eyes oh they handed me a card they handed me a card uh-huh the card that letterman the a card. Uh-huh. The card that Letterman, the introduction card. Yeah, the little blue card. That he holds in his hand. They gave it to me after the show, and he stenciled in big letters, okay. Oh, he's being funny.

I got you. Well, no. I was thinking, because he always had this reputation for not really liking stand-ups, and he was probably going, he just meant it was okay. I mean, that's how I took it all these years, until Joee list of somebody said no i think he's being sarcastic see see so i was looking at it from my negative that's how i see the world yeah i felt like i'm okay for christ sake me too there's a girl flashing her tits in the balcony that's how good my set was that's a total lie i i shit on my grandma on the amer America's Got Talent. And how much does she charge you for that?

Come on. Give me a sound effect. Okay. They never get old. No, I love them. Some people don't like them. I do them anyway. I mentioned on the interview that my grandmom's real hard on me.

And, of course, my grandmom watched. She's like, why does he? And she said something to my mom, and I felt guilty. Wait a minute. First of all, how old is Grammy? Grammy's 93. With Alzheimer's disease. And she recognizes you on TV?

Yeah, because she might forget it a minute later, but during it. Well, that's true. She called my mom to say, why does he have to say that? Really? Yeah. Say what? What did you say? I'm listening.

I said something about her, how she wishes, you know, that still to this day, she goes, are you still doing comedy? Like I'm doing something like I have some sort of addiction or some, some weirdo. And she didn't like that? No. Well, just, she's got Alzheimer's, right? Play a trick on her.

Just tell her the cellar, the cellar, the step, the door to the cellar. Tell her that's out to the, to the bathroom. She definitely forgot. By the time I see her, I won't have to worry about it. There was another funny guy that I saw on America's Good Talent last night.

It was after. They had two stand-ups. This is really... Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now,

she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? There's people that still tell you that joke after you do stand-up. That's Uncle Junior. Is it? Yes. Remember that episode?

He's in the nuthouse in the nursing home and playing poker with all the crazy people. It was like almost, you don't remember that? No, because I'm like you. Oh, I'm not like you. You've seen everyone multiple times. I've only, I've seen half of the episodes of Sopranos. There's a lot I missed.

Oh, you haven't? I gotta go back and watch them all. Now that I have kids, I'm in slow motion. You're not gonna see them. No. You'll be 78.

I try to get my wife interested. You would think because she's a psychologist. She's a shrink. She doesn't like it. She would love it. No, she's weird with, I don't know.

I thought you said. She doesn't like the violent, the violence. Oh, for Christ's sakes. Do I have to talk to her? It's not, I don't know. It's not that she's weird I don't know I thought you said She doesn't like the violent The violence Oh for Christ sakes Do I have to talk to her It's not I don't know It's not that she's offended by it

Why didn't she grow up Fucking Kansas New Rochelle New York It's weird She grew up in New Rochelle No brothers Just sheltered huh No brothers

And I love Dwight The family never fights But you told me she watched it And she said Melfi was doing a good job Dr. Melfi Didn't she say it was pretty realistic or was that in the paper? That wasn't my one. No?

No. I would think she would be interested. What did she give it? Two episodes? Well, she's not a shrink. My wife doesn't do therapy. She's a psychologist who studies Alzheimer's disease. So if.

That's right. Yeah. Tell her it comes from aluminum. You know what it's like sometimes? You know, like, because we're comedians watching like a a show a show about comedians or a movie about comedians yeah you uh you're tougher on it than a normal person would be i've realized that but i i was reading the paper i've read this a few times um there was a woman a psych a psychiatrist who wrote an article. It was in the Times or the Post, one of the papers, who said how great a portrayal that she was doing of a shrink

and how a lot of the stuff that she said on the, because they obviously, they consult, right? And she said it was pretty dead on. A lot of the advice was very good that she was given. And yeah, a few sources said that. But I thought your wife was one of them. Apparently, she's not that impressed. No.

She doesn't like the violence. Well, there's only one way to make her like that. Get her in a headlock. Make her watch six episodes. She won't watch boxing matches. It's guys getting hit in the head and shit because she deals with head injuries and studying it. You'd think she'd want to know how it happened. Seriously, wouldn't she?

I don't know. that's what bothers her like if we're watching a movie and someone gets punched in the face like she can't even look at it and if it's a kid and there's like bullying forget it she's really uncomfortable oh god she's everything i hate in the world and i love your wife yeah really she just tell it tell the whole bullying epidemic is exaggerated. Tell her that. Tell her Nick said that. All right. I'll get her on the phone.

You know what? If there was more bullying, we had more bullying. We wouldn't have such a nation of pussies. Tell her that. I'm so tired of hearing about fucking bullying. Every time a kid looks at another kid the wrong way. How about the kid that got kicked out of school for making a paper gun the other day? I didn't hear that one. Oh, God. I bet your wife did. Got kicked out of school for making a paper gun the other day? I didn't hear that one. Oh, God.

I bet your wife did. Got kicked out? Like a private school. A private school where the parents are paying a hundred and something grand. One of those. And the kid's like seven years old. And he made a joke about killing some girl or something. He made a paper.

Now you're making the face your wife would make right now, Joe. Big fucking deal. Seven years. A paper gun. Come on. That's not the part that bothers me. It's the note. You said there was a note that he wrote? Not a note. He just was joking around

about killing somebody or something. Big fucking deal. You didn't say that when you were in first grade? Yeah, buddy, I'm gonna fucking kill you. I was about to say ninth grade, I had Latin and I was failing out. Mrs. Hayes. I'll never forget her. She hated my guts. Mrs. Hayes? We had a Latin teacher named Mrs. Hayes. I'll never forget her. She hated my guts. Mrs. Hayes. We had a Latin teacher named Mrs. Hayes.

Yes. Yulia. I remember her first name was Yulia Hayes. Did she get traded to Danis High School? Maybe. She might have. But two social studies teachers and a fucking, and a third round fucking chemistry professor to be named later.

She. Yeah, Mrs. Hayes. She was a Latin teacher and she sent around these postcards one day in class with her address on them because they were postcards from Greece on a trip she went. And I hated her and she hated me. And we used to just always get. How old were you? Ninth grade.

And she hated you and you hated her. Yeah. So she sends those around. And I remember she told me to, I came into class late and she put her hand out like, where's your late pass? And I just slapped her hand five. Like I was, you know? And she goes, you go to the, you go to the, you need to go to the principal.

And I go, you know what? I think you're prejudiced against Italians. That's what I said to her. And she goes, what? Oh, my God. What? And I go, I know where you live. I'm just saying, I know where you live.

Be careful. Holy shit. That's pretty good. And it scared her so bad, she called my mom and was nervous that, like, I put this secret mafia hit on her. I love it. I love the fact. I think you're prejudiced.

What are you, Joe Pesci? Prejudice against Italians. Imagine that in this day and age. She's a Jew broad. She can make a big score. What the fuck, Henry? I do favors for you. Prejudice against Italians in this day and age.

A Jew broad. A Latin teacher. What you brought? A Latin teacher. Can you imagine? You really are a funny guy. That's a fucking great Henry Hill laugh. Oh, my God. As you remember, Matt Arise can do many voices, and we'll tap into a few of those.

Someone wrote me, I guess they probably... I'm surprised. They tweeted me to you or something that they go, I could listen to you and Nick do Sopranos references for an hour straight. I just absolutely, I started again. I watched the last two seasons the last few nights. Really? Yeah.

When I come home, I'll put them on late, put them in the disc, and I can't get enough Of the shit I'm belly laughing Down here Pauly Walmuts goes Johnny Sack dies of cancer They find out They're all at the bing

And Pauly Walmuts Had just beat Like prostate cancer Pauly Walmuts goes I hope I remember this He quoted a blood Sweat and tears Blood sweat and tears song

Oh shit Was that you? Why was that so loud? What the fuck was that? No, that was me. Jesus, that was loud. It was like it was hooked up to the system. It was hooked up.

It's in my thing. Mine does that, too, when I hook up. I don't know how this works. If I turn this down, will it kill my sound effect? I don't know. Yes, it will. It will? There's a way to shut your Wi-Fi off.

Yeah. Just go put it in airplane mode. I have it. I already't know. Yes, it will. It will? There's a way to shut your Wi-Fi off. Yeah. Just go put it in airplane mode. I haven't. I already did that. What were we talking about? Oh, he goes, he goes, cancer killed Johnny Sack,

yet I beat it. He goes, what is it? It's a, you said blood sweat and tears. It is, something about the painted pony. What is it? It's a... You said Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Something about the painted pony.

Ride the painted pony. He goes, ride the painted pony, let the spinning wheel glide, which isn't even close. And they all just look at him. Ride the painted pony, let the spinning wheel glide. do they call him on the mistake or they just don't even know they don't even know what he's talking about it's just an awkward silence they look at him like what the fuck is he talking i was down here by myself belly laughing fucking belly laughing oh my god hold on i'm gonna put this fan on you keep the kids okay

entertain well i was about to say that i don't i think it might be a guy thing re-watching things. Because my son's already doing it at six years old, and I've never seen a girl that I've been in a relationship with or just was hanging around re-watching shit like guys do. It might be true. Yeah. My son is on a tear with, like, the worst shit. Watches this Spy Kids 4 like over and over.

You're like, Jesus, can't we watch? Is it violent? I'm wondering at what age I can start watching shit with him that we both like. That's not animated. I go, come on. I was trying to explain to him animation and he didn't get it. I don't know if that's a male thing or not

because my wife has watched some of the shittiest movies over and over again. Mary Tyler Moore and the Golden Girls. Yeah, it brings her back. You know what? TV like that does stuff that you like when you're growing up but puts you in a safe place when you watch again.

I bet your wife would be impressed with that. And yeah, my wife does that. Yeah, it's like listening to old music it brings you back yeah I just but the Sopranos it was just the quality of work was so fucking good

and the writing so damn it's the funniest thing I like that I like that better than Goodfellas I like it better than Godfather one and two it's my favorite thing of all time I've never I used to laugh at people who got that emotionally attached to TV. I go, how the fuck did you like a TV show that much? That one, that one sucked me in.

That's how my wife is with Breaking Bad, which is weird that I told you she doesn't like violence. There's got to be a lot of violence on that. Why, you don't watch it with her? No, she watched the whole thing. Whenever I'm at a gig, she watches Breaking Bad episodes. Yes, it's very violent. She thinks it's the greatest thing. She loved it.

I think she's prejudiced against Italian violence. I think she could be. That's all she finds offensive is Italian violence. Maybe that's it. You know what's funny is early on in our relationship, I put a tank top on to go to sleep. And she told me to take it off, that it was a turn off. I told her. Oh, my.

Your wife's not Jewish, right? No, she's, you know what she's got? What is she? She, her mom's not Italian. Besides stuck up. But her dad is raised by Italians, but her dad's adopted, so it's a little unsure. What's her, what's her mother? Her mom is like German and, you know, very waspy, her mom.

German and waspy. White bread. I don't know if that's possible. Her mom's very sophisticated, grew up very well. Oh. You know, Steph's mom married her, well, obviously her dad, but he was like an Italian kind of guy. Working class.

He was a little working class, but then, you know, very bright, and he went to law school. Her family put him through law school. I think they, like, fucking cleaned him up a little bit. From a family of snobs, huh? Yeah, a little bit. So she doesn't like the wife beater. Yeah. Probably in what it connotes.

It was pretty classic that when my mother-in-law's family met my wife's dad's mom and dad, they were really Italian. When you were, say that again? When my mother-in-law brought her mom and dad to meet this guy she was going to marry's parents for the first time. Like, she grew up in St. Louis. They came to visit New Rochelle. They meet them, and I guess there's, like, tension and her mom my wife's mom pulls her parents aside and goes i just want to let you know he's adopted and they went oh thank god like meaning those aren't his real parents thank god well maybe it's a german italian thing

was the old lady german yeah she might have been yeah but she was probably around world war ii it wasn't an italian thing no No, that wouldn't cause tension. That would bring them together, actually. I think it was... They were allies. I think it was a class thing. That's exactly what it was. Grew up in this little house across from the high school, you know.

They grew up in a mansion. They had like a live-in cook. A live-in cook? Yeah. What color was he? It was a black woman. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, she was in like a working class Italians. Get your shit straight, you kraut. Oh, the mom had no problem whatsoever. It was a black woman. Yeah, there you go. She was in like a working class Italians.

Get your shit straight, you kraut. The mom had no problem whatsoever. Mom's the greatest woman ever. But the mom and dad were kind of like, all right, we're putting him in the law school. He got put into law school and then got his law degree and all that kind of stuff. Interesting. It's interesting. So my wife doesn't know how Italian she is degree and all that kind of stuff. Interesting. It's interesting. So my wife doesn't know how Italian she is, really.

She doesn't want to know. She should go on, you know, lookupyourtree.com. She started to, and her dad got weirded out and made her stop. Because my wife does research, so she started to get far along. We thought we found this half-brother in upstate New York. And he doesn't want to know? No, it freaked him out. He was like, I'm good. I've lived this way

this long. I'm 66 years old. I don't need to know. You could do it to be mean to him. Just find him out. Well, he's coming over for lunch. Your half-brother will be here in about 20 minutes. No, just send him a copy of his family tree. My wife printed this whole

thing out of the family tree. She started to find all these things and gave it, like, presented it to the family at some, you know, family get-together. And you could tell he just wanted, he did not want to find out. I can understand that. You know what I mean? That's, if you're adopted and you maybe don't want, that should be your choice, I guess, if you don't want to know.

I always thought, though, because he's got your, I mean, mean, stereotypical Italian mom. She's 101, his mom, and she's rough. She's 101? 101. They don't die, the old ginsaloons. They just keep coming. You can't kill them.

You hit them with an elephant gun. Although my Grammy, my father's mother, 82, I think. That's young for an hour. 101. But her father, 93. 101, brain's perfect, too. Still sharp, huh? No Alzheimer's, sharp. Cooks, everything. which that's young for a hundred one but her father 93 101 brains perfect to know still sharp sharp cooks everything that's who's mom who's that's the she adopted him so you have no genes we have no connection you don't know what she is

she's italian but they're you know what's the big mystery the father you mean the i'm saying i keep confusing you yeah Yeah, you do. The father's mom and dad are Italian, but they adopted him. You get that. Yeah, okay. You get it? Sure. You don't?

No, I get it. I get it. And my wife's mom. I'm on doxycycline. Are you really? It makes you confused. Are you really? Yeah.

You're still on something for Lyme disease? For Lyme, yeah. How long are you going to be on that? It you confused. Are you really? Yeah. You're still on something for Lyme disease? For Lyme, yeah. How long are you going to be on that? It's funny. You know, everybody that listens to this show and everybody that's on Twitter are like, at least three weeks, dude. This guy put me on it for two. Really?

He put me on it, but the first couple days, the minute I got home from Florida when I found that I had it, he threw me on it. You know, that night he put an antibiotic and an IV for me. And then I took pills for two days. So, I mean. And then I went to see my regular doctor and he said two weeks is enough. Right. Two more weeks.

It's just like an antibiotic? So, that makes you tired? Doxycycline. I don't know. Have you felt any Lyme disease tiredness? I burped and it tastes like Sierra Mist. Do you feel tired? I do.

I've been sleeping great lately. Folks who listen to this show because I keep them up to date on my insomnia. Yeah. I have been sleeping good. I think it's a combination of sleeping in a different bed than my wife. You switch beds? Yeah.

My wife kicks me out a lot. Where do you sleep? She snores. I'm downstairs and we put an air conditioner conditioner recently so it's dark and cold which is always the key to me it should be like that should be a that's sleeping condition and um i've been sleeping good now for about 10 days that's the 8 to 10 day for the first time and i'm talking years no sleeping medication nothing nothing i'm going to bed Instead of going to bed At 2.30 I'm going to bed By like 1 Okay

You know And not What's a lot of sleep For you How many hours Oh Christ Now If I got 6

I'd be jumping for joy But lately I've been getting 7 7 hours 7 and a half Wow That's fucking I haven't done that in years

And you feel like a new person Oh yeah But you said you're in a bad mood oh that's just the mood doesn't change but you're the mode no i could have 14 hours you know me i'm from a long line of miserables we had a look at my family tree at the top you see mussolini with a fucking elephant standing on his foot miserables a long time miserables i never heard Miserables. Oh, you've heard the play, right? It was about my grandfather playing Miserables. Yeah, so I've been, even last night, slept good. I was in bed by, I don't know, 115.

Maybe it's the noise, the air conditioner noise. I think it is, Joe. My wife was saying when I was, she's going, because we're not far from like a highway, and every once in a while a loud truck or something My wife was saying when I was, she's going, because we're not far from like a highway. And every once in a loud truck or something might wake you in the morning and you don't even realize that. I can't believe that. As you get older, you don't sleep as much.

And this, I got my future hanging over my head. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. Yeah. That's what we always say. I'm one bad set away from selling shoes at the mall. Same way. You're doing good. So Joe was on America Got Talent last night, which how many people watched it?

And fucking murdered for 90 seconds. I still can't believe they give you 90 seconds. How many acts are on the show? There was another comedian on last night. Who was that? He's like a new young Connecticut kind of an open mic-er comedian. And he was real weird and like one-linery. How'd he do? Oh, they loved him.

Well, now wait a minute. You move on to the next round, right? Yeah, which is called the boot camp round. I already taped that, too. Did the other comic move? Yes. He's there with me. So what's he do? He's like open mic level really put it on youtube you could play his whole set right now i'm not gonna do that i wouldn't know

how to do that you don't know how to play a youtube clip well yeah not during my show i don't oh you don't well do you because the computer's on yeah you go right in with your uh you have an ipad yeah just go to youtube and put his name in. You can play his set. I don't know. You sure? This fucks up, Joe. Just go into, because that's playing the sound effects, right? You have Wi-Fi on the, get the Wi-Fi on the iPad.

Oh, forget it. I have to shut the Wi-Fi off on my computer because it recognizes this and it fucks it up. Nah, they can all do the same thing. No, it prompts me. It says shut it off. What? Yes. All right.

I'm telling you, I have to shut off the fucking Wi-Fi. I could go. I'll put it right on my phone. Stick that wire in my phone. I could play the game. I'm going to do it right now. Well, this doesn't make for good. Go ahead.

Entertain while I fucking put up a YouTube clip. I'll do it. Just stick that wire right in here. I'm doing it. His name's Derek Santos I know that He's a funny guy Oh yeah now you're backpedaling

Great we got this sound effect That sounds great you still got the clicks on That's awesome I like that it bugs my wife she hates it I hate the clicks That's how I know I'm making contact Miserab the clicks. Why? I never keep the clicks on. That's how I know I'm making contact. Mr. Rob.

He got the fucking clicks on. I'm telling you, I hate when he has the fucking clicks on. It fucking irritates me. That is a dead on, Tony. You're trying to fucking not make the clicks on the fucking click. Okay, which clip?

It's him and his wife. America's Got Talent. It should be one clip of him on AGT. No, this is from September 15th. No, no, no. You want the AGT thing. Last night. It's already on YouTube.

AGT. Why are we going to play another comedian? That's so typical me. My brother goes, every time you're on the radio, you talk about somebody else. Why do you do that? I don't know. You're a nice guy. Is that what it is?

Trying to help another people? It's not coming up here. All right, forget it. You said he stunk anyways. No, I didn't. I never said that. Oh, that was me. I'm sorry.

That's good, though. It's a national TV audience. Something I've never heard of. It's been comedy for said that. Oh, that was me. I'm sorry. That's good, though. It's a national TV audience. Someone I've never heard of has been comedy for eight minutes. Oh, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Shows you. There's Dan Natterman's in it.

Yeah, and he's still going, right? He's still going. He's funny, and you're funny. Yeah. That's a good battle. No, I'm already. You're already. Oh, I don't know.

Okay. I can't say. You don't know. No. The world doesn't know how you're going to do. No., I don't know. Okay. I can't say. You don't know how you... The world doesn't know how you're going to do. No. The world doesn't know. Once the world knows, then I'll come and talk about it, and I'll say more stuff. But the world doesn't know yet.

I love how I just did a bunch of clicks on my show. Yeah. You got a producer, right? Send him an email going, just edit those clicks. No, leave it in. Leave the clicks. Fucking what is this? I love people who do podcasts.

You treat it like you're doing a show on ABC at 8 o'clock. You leave in the fucking warts and all. That's what makes it funny. That's what I told my wife. She goes, what if I text you and you have to come home right away? What will you do if you're in the middle of a podcast? I go, we're not shooting fucking a sitcom. I go, I'll get in the car,

and then I'll Skype the rest of it if I have to. Who cares? It's a podcast. Joe, your wife just fell off a ladder in the front yard and broke her neck. Listen, I'm finishing this interview. Yeah, we got to talk World Cup. With Derek Santos.

So, what the hell else So yeah the stand tonight I have a set Did you say you do too I don't have a set at the stand But I have a set I don't know why I'm trying to do

Like you I'm trying to do Another late night set So I When I have off I'm not You're not You just changed your mind I thought you were trying to do

Another like a Letterman My I'm changing my Shit has come up What Well my My thing I shot back in November It's a killer set But a lot of people don't like the way it looks

Friends of mine Who I respect don't like the way it looks Oh comedians? Yes Oh so you could show it to me I'm the best at that shit How are you the best at it? I'm very good at knowing if it looks good enough But here's my argument to that.

What doesn't look good? I don't know. I'll show it to you later. I'm not saying it doesn't look good. It's just a few people's opinion. They think it could, whatever. By the way, I'm breaking national news by saying this. So here's something that I thought I had put away now.

I was about to release. Now I have to go back and revisit all that fucking material and probably do it again. And I'm furious about it. You mean redo the whole set? Reshoot the whole thing. It's all your old material now. No, not that it's old material. It's not old.

People haven't heard it yet. Right. But is it hard for you to go redo it if it's a year ago? It's not hard, but you don't want to do that when you're a comic. You look forward. You move forward. Who paid for the shoot? I did. So you got to pay again not necessarily i have somebody who wants to do it oh okay you know

what i'm saying it won't cost you any right i hear but i'm just saying i have a feeling i know what this is okay it's just bugging me you know i mean that i might and it's delaying it i wanted this thing out months ago so it's really i'm one of, that's one of the thing, pet peeves in life. When I have something put away and finished and might have to, you know, read this. That makes me, that's why I'm on edge right now. And I will be till it's back. That's what it is. That and my nature.

Well, if it'll make you feel better. I have the same thing going on, but mine's on a lower scale. It's not on a shot of dvd i recorded a cd that i was about to put out i had the artwork done the fucking thing mixed i even uh i even was i had it all set up with the company that was gonna just you know make the copies of it it wasn't with a label it was on my own label i've never had a label i always keep all the money i just record them myself yeah and get it produced so uh it was all done ready to go and my manager said he didn't think it sounded good enough and he said he hated the artwork and then uh fuck the managers yeah so

then uh i'm doing a theater like five minutes from where i grew up in october and i'm like what theater would that be it's called the r Ritz Theater. It's in South Jersey. It's in Haddon Township, New Jersey. How many seats? 350. It's small. It's not tiny and it's not too big because people told me these 800 seaters are too big. Depends who it is.

Oh, too big as far as I don't know who told you. What do you mean? Other comics told you that? It's too big for you to fill Too big for me to fill one And then sometimes You know they sound echoey And all that

Well if it's not done right Yeah It depends who's paying for it And you know Right So I did this on my own too Right So

Again it's not definite You know other people told me It would sell as is It's a killer set That's why I'm pissed Right It's a killer fucking hour That's why I'm pissed. It's a killer fucking hour.

Right. And I'm not saying I can't recreate that magic, because I know I can, but for the last five months, I've been working to put the material in the rearview mirror and working on new shit. And the argument to that is, well, then you can bring that new shit into this, too. Yeah. Which is true. That's true. You can make it a little better you can add on it is but i'm just impatient because i took a year off to do the nick and artie show and didn't do much stand-up you know i'm saying right so as soon as i left that job the radio job i put my nose in a grindstone

because i knew i was behind hadn't put one out in a couple years so i wanted this thing out yesterday that's why i'm that's my nature i'm impatient is there a possibility now i'm gonna sound like a therapist is it a possibility that it isn't as good as you think it is and that when you do this next one it would be better than that no it's not that it's not joe there's a way to prove that by the fucking audience response yeah yeah but sometimes you think it's a way to prove that by the fucking audience response. Yeah. Yeah. But sometimes you think it's a great audience response and someone else goes, like my manager, like I thought I did really well on mine.

And he goes, no, I think the audience sounds distant. I go, they do? No, they don't. He goes, it's not recorded well. First of all, now we're getting all muddled. It's sounding distant means they probably didn't mic the audience. But they did. He's just, I did he's just i

think he was just saying i know when i have a good set when i don't my friends don't lie they all said the same thing and then i say all i've showed about two people to be honest with you was there a way that that could be a cd no it's just not if i'm gonna reshoot it reshoot it then that one has to be the cd it all has to be the same the same yes so but i have a feeling here i'm gonna sound like your therapist again but i have a feeling that this other opportunity that you can't really talk about is gonna make it make money and be a way better opportunity that's not guaranteed no matter who does no but you could i'd probably make more release in this and owning everything that was right if somebody pays for it now i'm by fucking

i don't own the whole thing right the one thing you're doing sounds very similar to shit i used to do before i was on selects exactly what you're doing i could i could argue anything now i just go with the flow a lot easier i'm like all right i I have to go do it And then I go do it again That's not like a huge deal I'm pretty much conceding That doesn't mean it shouldn't bother you If it doesn't bother you you're dead inside It should bother you a little

But if you had to pay for it all again Then it would really get you crazy And if I want to own the thing outright I would do that again But I just had a roof put on this house A fucking $8,500 refrigerator replaced, and my fucking driveway needs to be replaced because they tore it up, pulling the goddamn dumpster.

It was already torn up anyways. But I'm just saying, I have never had a more expensive beer in my life. That's why I'm going to start selling Coke next Wednesday at a schoolyard right up the street. These kids love that shit. Excuse me. Excuse me. right up the street. These kids love that shit. I feel bad when you get this mad. You're getting worked up on your own podcast. I know, it's entertainment.

What are you talking about? This is a great show. It is. Look, I do these all the time without guess. How long is this? Well, when did you find this out? Well, I haven't found anything out.

It's opinion. Oh, it's an opinion. Does anyone you respect disagree with that opinion? I haven't shown it to enough people, really. Okay. See, now that I've made this public, now that I've made this public, there's no way I'm going to release it.

Because people will just be picking on it. It's a killer set, though. It doesn't matter. It's about the material. Here's my argument. Yes, I agree with that. Have you ever heard anybody? Have you ever heard anybody?

I'm not talking about our comedian friends. I'm talking about people, fans. Have you ever heard anybody go, I love that special. It looked great. No. I've never heard that from one. Brian Regan shot one at the Improv. Okay? Ten years ago. Brian Regan shot one at the Improv. Okay.

10 years ago, Brian Regan shot one called I Walked on the Moon. I guess it was his best-selling DVD ever at a comedy club. Yeah. I own that. I paid for that special. And by the way, me doing it in a club was a good move. Even Louie said when I told Louie because he did Todd Barry's at like six different clubs.

Dave Attell's road work. He took clips from all different clubs. Not theaters, clubs. I want to see that one. I heard he did some weird camera shit on that one. Well, he had a guy. I use the same people. Okay.

But he put a lot of dough into it that I don't have. Right. Fucking Attell's got dough. How much money do you think you spent on it? Atel? I know, and I'm not going to say. I can't tell you that.

Can you give me a range? No, I won't, Joe. What do you think you could shoot on the low? What could I shoot a one-hour special for in my hometown? I don't know. What should be my number I should try to... I don't know. You're asking me?

I'm in this pickle. What the fuck do I know? I keep thinking if I just put it on my website for five dollars a shot thinking that that if i spend 10 grand on and i just gotta sell you'll make 1200 bucks profit i don't i don't know no i've never done one anyways now that i've talked about this on the show i feel like now i've cornered myself i'm definitely not gonna but but it's it But it's, one comic watched it and loved it. Right. And didn't say a fucking word about any of it.

Well, that's the hardest thing about being a comedian. I think what you have to do is go with your own instinct, and you can't listen to other people. If you really think it's. It's funny you say that, because you asked me for advice at the stand a couple weeks ago. About what? America's Got Talent. It was something you were doing, remember? Yeah. And I said, just be yourself. weeks ago about what america's good talent it was something you were doing remember yeah and i said

just be yourself but there's a difference between that and if if you watch something you did and go it's good because we know i know it's not a question of it's a question of style yeah it's a question of style some people go well it doesn't look like you spent a lot you know or whatever right and and and and to me it's about the fucking act and the jokes and the writing. Right. And I still believe that. Right. Because I've seen some very low-end specials on Netflix.

There's like some Doug Stanhope one. Oh, I know. Dougie's. It looks like he shot it with one camera. He did. Yeah. I know. I don't know.

Did they sell? He's funny. Again, it's a material. It's funny. If you like it, you're going to tell people to watch it. After this is over, and then we're going to do Joe's podcast, by the way. Joe brought his shit. We're going to do back to back.

Yeah. And you folks will be listening to this in a couple days, like on Monday, which is the 7th of July, I think. Because I got to go up to Montreal, and I got a ton of shit to do. I'm filling in for Dennis Miller on his radio show on Tuesday. So I'm doing this now and releasing it on Monday. Where do you have to go to do his show? Into the City, CBS Studios on 57th Street.

And what is that, like a political talk show where people call in? Yeah, basically. It's just all callers? It's not heavy politics it's just you alone with callers basically yeah all right guests they have guests call in do you know somebody's from out in a book i don't yet no but i'm just gonna have fun i've done it before yeah it's in you know a couple hundred markets yeah so it's not something you really say no to and i like dennis that's awesome to get to do that yeah so uh i'm doing that

tuesday that's why i wanted to get this out of the way he's one of my idols yeah he's uh he's a good guy too dennis it seems like he would be he is um so yeah so that it's making me nuts yeah you know how's your poison ivy oh jesus you got it good don't get it on my couch i'm like hot oh my god i got my Now, what were you doing? Blowing a pelican in the woods? What happened? I decided to ride... You ever...

I rode my... His knee's covered, folks. His knee's covered. One knee. The other one didn't get it. It looks like James Wood's cheeks. Just all these indentations. Who I love, by the way.

All right, Core Republic. I rode my bike to the gym. I was like, I'm going to ride my bike to the gym because I won't have to do any cardio when I get there. So I ride to the gym. I love that decision right there. Work out. I meet my wife for lunch after the gym. Then I get to leave her and ride my bike home.

She has to take the kids in the car home. So I get a little lost riding the bike because there's like jug handles. And I'm like, I don't want to go up on a jug handle on my bike. Let me go this way. You got lost riding home from the gym on your bike. Did I just hear you right? Yeah, it was two miles. Probably about two and a half miles.

I was in large miles. Have you ever been to the gym before? Yeah, but not this way on the bike. I try to avoid hills, so I go a different way. Try to avoid hills? You just said you rode it for the cardio. Yeah, but there's some areas where I live on the way to my gym. I'm talking you got to get off your bike and push it up.

That's how steep. What are you in, fucking Burlington, Vermont? Yes. It's nuts. A couple spots. You look like a loser pushing your bike. And you and the wife work out together at the gym? No, we don't.

I go by myself. They're pushing your bike. And you and the wife work out together at the gym? No, we don't. I go by myself. So I take a side. I get a little lost. And I see woods.

There's a lot of woodsy areas that are all paved. Sure. Not paved. What am I saying? They have trails. And people ride their bikes on them. So I'm like, oh, let me see if I can get this to connect back to where I live. And I'm ending up in people's yards and shit.

I'm like, oh, shit. That went to a yard. I have to turn around. Hey, how you doing? Get out of my yard. I turn around. Hey, boy. And I'm riding.

And I'm like, shit, I got to get back to the road. And I think I see a little space that I can shoot out of the woods. And it becomes like a little small cliff and i fall i fall down the cliff and i fall right over the handlebars on my bike and i see the three green leaves and i'm like my knee just hit that exactly where i thought my knee hit i'm sorry i for the first time in my life i think i know what poison ivy looks like and i went shit that's poison ivy yeah it's the three late yeah i used to get it i had a field in my life, I think I know what poison ivy looks like. And I went, shit, that's poison ivy. Yeah, it's the three-leaf. Yeah. I used to get it.

I had a field in my backyard when I grew up in Danvers, Mass. We had a field, a wild field. And we used to, you know, take our BB guns out there and play whatever the fuck. Rat Patrol. Remember that show, Rat Patrol? Yeah. But then, you know, in the middle of playing, you'd stop and take a piss. Oh.

And I'd end up every year with the poison ivy on my peepee. You'd get it up there? But then in the middle of playing, you'd stop and take a piss. Bro. And I'd end up every year with the poison ivy on my pee-pee. You'd get it up there? Oh, yeah, bad. How would it go up there? I just told you, Joe. What the fuck is the matter with you? But you didn't touch the leaf on your dick. I just told you.

I know, but how did it get? It's on your hands. You're playing in the bushes and shit, and then you take a piss. What are you, squat? What are you, squat down and piss? I just told you. I'm in my head thinking that the leaf has to touch the spot because that's what happened to me no the leaf has oil on it yeah i know you know and uh my old man as a kid how sick was my old man and his friend they used to uh they used to take rub the oil on their finger

the poison ivy and then write their initials on their arm then it would come out and poison ivy really yeah that's fuck dumb gins alone that's just stupid that's not cool my old man fucking hate poison ivy i've been fucking driving around just fucking scratching my knee like a heroin addict anything that has the word poison in it you should hate it sucks yeah no it's uncomfortable especially it's like 90 degrees and humid. Dude, my first Letterman, I had poison ivy from my neck down to my torso. I had it everywhere. And I had to go do Letterman.

And you had a suit on? Oh, my God. That's a good feeling. I had a cold sore on my lip when I did my first half hour. It was... Did they put makeup over? Yeah, they tried to. It was like trying to hide a gunshot.

It was like trying to hide the X-Wing on Kennedy's head. No, you know what? The girl did a great job, actually. What was it called? Lounge Lizards. Remember that series? That was the first one. That was a half hour, wasn't it?

That was a half hour. Oh, my God. Yeah. I did three half hours. I'm still proud of that. Jesus. Oh my god Remember that series Yeah yeah yeah That was the first one That was a half hour wasn't it That was a half hour Oh my god Yeah I did three half hours I'm still proud of that Jesus You know Fucking hour on Showtime

I brined it all up And uh Raw Nerve Yeah that was a Showtime Got a nice residual check coming in Um from what From those Not from Comedy Central

You don't see a dime of that shit They have a radio show now on satellite, you know. Oh, I know that. And they can just play our shit, right? Well, you get paid for that. Do you? Well, fuck yeah, dude. You gotta...

Do they play your stuff? I don't know. I did a half hour. Couldn't they play it on satellite? Yeah. There's companies out there that track that shit for you, and you gotta get paid. I have that company, but I always thought with Comedy Central, when you sign the deal, that they can do whatever they want and break it up.

I don't think so, because they have a deal with Sirius. You've gotten Comedy Central Sirius money. Yeah. Really? Starting when? How long has that station been? It's new, right? It's fairly new.

station been out it's new right it's fairly new but but but from the other you know from from raw raw dog and stuff i get nice fat checks every few months out of nowhere but it's not comedy central clips i don't know joe it's your it is now no they they have to pay you i'm 99 sure 99% sure. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. We're talking to three comics right now driving on the fucking highway. If it was just TV exclusively, yeah, you wouldn't see it because you signed it away. But the fact that it's satellite radio is a different thing. So I need to look on my, when I get a residual check because they do the breakdown, it should say something Comedy Central-wise. I would think so.

Ask my wife. She's my bookkeeper. All right. Yeah. Tracks down a lot of dough. Really? Sound exchange. I thought I would find everything, but maybe they missed some stuff.

And there's another thing called the Orchard something else. Tracks other things. That's like Amazon sales and stuff. But, yeah, sound exchange, and I believe so. Okay's like Amazon sales and stuff. But yeah, sound exchange. I believe so. Okay. Yeah, we'll talk. We'll clear it up. What's the title of the special?

Are you going to use the same title? Of this one? Yeah. Yeah, I am. What's it called? Another Senseless Killing. I have all the artwork and everything. That's all staying the same.

I can't wait to see it now. Isn't it? Couldn't you just put an effect on it? If they think this looks a certain way, just put an effect on it. Make it grainy or something. It looks fine. I mean, I'll show you. I'm just saying it's stylistic. I could be just being

oversensitive. You know what I mean? Like I said, nobody fucking watches a comedy special For the fucking curtains And the You know that's That's comic bullshit That's people going

Ugh Did you shoot a little Like two minute thing Yeah I did What were you doing I was doing a podcast With a guy Tom

A very popular guy In Minneapolis Okay And it was funny Because his wife was there And kids and shit Uh huh You know and I thought

I could go in there And just be myself. And I go, yeah, your wife's here and stuff. And he goes, ah, you can say whatever the fuck you want. Really? With his kids there? So I go, how you cocksuckers doing? It's funny.

I still might use it as is. I'm just saying. Where did you record it? In Minneapolis? Yeah, Minneapolis. What place? At the fucking Acme. Oh, that's the best.

It's the best room. That's what I'm saying. I'll show you the set. I only got to do that place once. And the thing is, I made a ton of money the two nights I recorded. I had a door deal. The guy's so fair there. It's unbelievable.

You're big there. They like me, man. That's one of the cities I sell a lot of tickets. Is that like... I was selling more a couple years ago minneapolis really yeah but uh why is that i don't know who knows because my shit was on tv back then i don't know whatever was fucking but uh you know i just don't want to delay this thing anymore you know i wanted it out yesterday that's where your drugs could help me what is it lexipro it's the same thing you don't want to delay this thing anymore. You know, I wanted it out yesterday. That's where your drugs could help me. What is it, Lexapro? It's the same thing.

You don't want to try anything. You just like it. I did try. You tried the wrong one, though. I tried Paxil. That's the worst one. It gave me an erection in the shits at the same time. That's the worst one.

You ever tried jerking off when you have diarrhea? Yo, motherfucker! You've been warned! I jerk off with the diarrhea. It's fucking nice. Jesus, Joe. What has happened? Oh, my God.

This is a guy that just did a television show on NBC for family viewing audiences only. He's got his little kids out there. I didn't know your daughter. I haven't even met your little daughter. She runs out cute as a button. She's the best. Unbelievable. You got a little boy and a little girl.

I'm telling you. I can't believe there's some nitwit. You're a little boy and a little girl. I'm telling you, I can't believe this. I'm nitwit. You're not going to get a call from somebody at NBC. Just pretend you're gay and you'll get a series. That's what I tweeted. I said, hey, NBC, check out my web series now, okay? Pretend you're a go-gobbler.

Look at that. Fucking let's go. They'll love that. You're a husband who's, it's called Fixing Joe. That's his web series. So you're a flawed husband, which is what TV is about. That's all it's about. Right.

Examining how fucking stupid men are and what a weakling you are and what a genius your wife is. Right. Which is almost a real case scenario with you. Yes. How are they not going to love that? Oh, here. Tell me what, you would never do this either, I don't think.

Someone can't, you know Morgan Spurlock? He's that documentary film guy. Yes. He did Super Size Me. Yes. And then he does a lot of TV things too. Yes. He has a production company.

And he has some reality thing that's like a hit in like 11 countries. Where it's like real raw. They give people cameras. You film yourself for six months. And each, not each episode episode but each chunk of episodes has a theme so like he wanted to do a new york family one and he was looking for six different characters that he would give a camera to for six months you film yourself he edits it and turns it into like these long episodes and airs it on the internet.

So you might have to film me, my wife, my kids, follow myself around. Film it myself. Basically holding a camera, just talking into the camera, real selfie style for six straight months. That would be good with you. But my wife was like, no way. What's the matter with your wife? I've got to talk to her. His wife is really good looking, by the way.

How much it paid. And a doctor. How much it paid? Could you put a figure on that? Yeah, I will. It's just considered under the realm of reality TV. Yeah, but it's not on TV. It'll be on the internet.

It'll be on the internet. Yeah, $1,500.. Yeah, but it's not on TV. It'll be on the internet. It'll be on the internet. Yeah. Yeah, $1,500. For the whole... No, it paid pretty well. Because it's for six straight months, you know, you gotta film yourself. Okay, 30 grand.

I think between 30 and 45 grand was the range. Yeah, tell him to lick his left nut. I said no. Good for you. Because my wife didn't want me to film. I said, I agree with you. What are you gonna do, film?

I'm sick of filming my family. You'd look a jerk off though you you you walk into the stand and you're filming yourself this is me going to work yeah people going look at until they hear i'm getting 45 grand let me write this down well it's funny i turned it down and i need a driveway it's gonna cost me a comedian i know paul verzi went and met with them did he really my manager also represents you know what i make fun of that shit, but you know what? That's what the business is today. Like, you're fixing Joe thing? I mean, you don't know where that's going to...

That takes a lot of... And it looks good. And it's funny. And America's got talent. You don't know where that's going to lead. Yeah. I'm going up to Montreal. I'm doing 15 nasty shows and a TV set for somebody up there or whatever.

But you don't know where that's going to lead. Yeah, I do. It's going to lead to 50. So what's the difference between that and this? It's going to lead to fucking money and... What do you mean? What's the difference between that and what you're saying doing a web series or doing an AGT?

15 nasty shows. It's not on TV. It's not on the fucking internet. But there's industry people there coming in. Joe, this ain't 1994 there's no fucking industry people who work machine his cousin i'm doing the i'm doing the relationship shows in montreal you think someone's coming to those well yes because that's what tv wants faggotry and fucking emasculated husbands yeah that's if there'll

be any industry at any show that'll be it but i't, I'm not, that doesn't mean the comedians are emasculated. I got a deal. Yeah. If you want to get a deal. So you're thinking I should be, I shouldn't go up and. Joe, go up and do what you do. You're a funny cat. Let them decide.

Right. They've already decided. They're looking for the new young gay minority. Okay. You understand? They want nothing to do with you. No, you can be the next Ray Romano. But I'm just saying.

I'm saying I'm doing, you know, 15 Nasty. I did it. I got a deal back in the 90s at the festival with Castle Rock. From doing the Nasty shows? No. Okay. From doing one of those gala sets or whatever. One of those, you know, new faces, one of those.

How come HBO, none of these HBOs or Showtimes have done like, oh, yeah, they did. They did the, Jim Norton had a show where they had all dirty stand-ups. Yeah. What was that called? I don't know. I wasn't on it. You didn't do that? No, I wasn't.

Me either. Yeah. You know, you ever work, you did your special at comics. Yeah. They do something where they make one of your shows a nasty show. Yeah, I don't do that. I won't do it. I show up and I have to be nasty one show.

That's kind of hard. I'm clean. With me, the whole fucking five shows are nasty. I'm like, how is that different than what I just did at the 8 o'clock show, you dumb motherfuckers? I'm headed up there in a few months They just opened a club in Atlantic City That I'm doing this weekend Meanwhile casinos are closing By the dozens down there

Let's open something in Atlantic City I can't find it on the website I'm like where is this comedy club that I'm doing in two days And then I hear there's a hurricane coming. I'm like, oh, this is going to be a great weekend. Hurricane on 4th of July. Atlantic City is the asshole of the earth. Yeah.

It is fucking the most depressing place I have ever been. It's bad. I go now when they, you know, have you down to do one nighter at a nice casino and they can get a nice paycheck. But I remember, remember the comedy stop at the Trop. Atlantic City, you had to be there from like Tuesday to Sunday. I almost cut my wrist. I did it once and they put you up across the street.

It was like a crack house. No, I was in a condo or something. You got a normal condo. This one was disgusting. I banged the guy's daughter that ran the joint. So he didn't fucking like me to begin with. This is when I lived in LA. I'd just done three arsenios i was hot i came back and it's the first time i'm doing it and his daughter was like smoking fucking piece of cake the owner's daughter

yeah he was a dick then i did it a few times since then yeah and he screamed in my face and and yelled at the other comics and fucking just, you know, he wanted me to come to his office during the day. I'm not fucking coming over there. For what? He wanted to yell at me for something, for cursing too much or whatever. And it was so depressing. Then I take a, this is a true story. I've told it before.

I take a walk. I'm all depressed in the middle of the afternoon. I take a walk on the beach. This is true. I'm all depressed in the middle of the afternoon. I take a walk on the beach. This is true. And I see like this like,

I look like a baby seagull walking near the boardwalk. All of a sudden, these like four alley cats came out of nowhere from under the boardwalk and tore it to shreds. Tore the bird to shreds. Oh my God. It was so fucking typical of that week. I'm sitting there eating an ice cream by myself. It's like three in the afternoon oh and then the audiences were made up of like uh you know 11 italian guys in the 70s

in sweatsuits and just didn't get any of it oh just it was horrendous the the thing that sucks about being comedian is there's some sadness of doing well which is weird like you'll probably disagree with me but like you start if you do well in the wrong thing like you just do well like like say america's got talent is the situation if you do really well on that that just means you go on the road every week you make a lot of money on the road but you're away all the time which comedians hate like to me the ultimate gig is if you do if you have like a sitcom that you just go film and you could just go do some like to me already always had the best thing because a lot of his his fans live in the jersey new york area so he fucking goes he can do every comedy club in new york well because he was on the

greatest radio show ever yeah yes no that's the gig if i but he's that's the gig he still goes and does weird gigs where i wouldn't i would never get on an airplane i'd be like i'm doing one nighters and fucking baloney if you lived arty's lifestyle is that what of course i would never live though he makes I just want mulch. I just want to have like a finished basement. You want mulch? I don't. That's your goal.

You want mulch. I can name the shit I want. Artie wants to smoke mulch. I want to finish my basement. I want to fix my. I have a driveway that's all banged up like yours. I want to fix that. I spent enough to buy two houses this year on this.

I can't afford to do anything. Do we have raw bulbs hanging off the top of our ceilings? What do you mean, light bulb hanging from a wire? Just light bulbs on a wire. I told my wife, let's go buy some fixtures. She's like, what do you do, waterboarding the Taliban in those rooms? That's what it looks like. That's funny.

All right, Joey, since we we're gonna do two of these Let's wrap this one up I appreciate you letting me come on again I listen to your podcast Watch Joe on America's Got Talent I'm telling you I know it's only 90 seconds But you're a seasoned vet

And they're crazy Well the YouTube clip's almost 5 minutes long Okay go to YouTube and watch it. And Fix and Joe also. Officialcomedy.com. Watch all those. Officialcomedy.com. That should be a TV show. I'm on unofficialcomedy.net. You want to see that? It's in the book.

It's a joke, Joe. I'll be at my dentist on Thursday letting him fuck me in the ass. And what else? Should I plug your gig? No, I'm doing... You know who I'm doing.

So this is coming out next week, right? What? This podcast. I'm releasing this on Monday the 7th. Monday the 7th. I'm hoping. Okay, plug your gigs. The next...

Then I go to... That following day, I'll be doing the Dennis Miller, filling in for Dennis Miller's radio show. Go to iHeartRadio for the markets. And then I go up to Montreal the following day, the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and 13th, to the festival and doing nasty shows. Bobby Slayton is hosting.

Ha, ha, ha.com. Kurt Metzger, Ari Shaffir, and a kid from um canada who i don't know but i heard he's great so it's going to be a a great show and then uh i'll come home for a few and then i'll do uh i'll get tested for my liver enzymes on the i'm serious on the 18th and my cholesterol and then i go back up to montreal for 24th, 25th, and 26th to finish out the nasty shows and do a CBC Canadian television thing. August 2nd, the Ridgefield

Playhouse. That's enough. Alright kids, love ya and don't forget to rinse your dirty asses. I'll talk to you soon. See ya. guitar solo guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm