The Nick DiPaolo Show - 038 - Three Cheers for Anthony

Episode Date: July 16, 2014

Three Cheers for Anthony

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how are ya? Long time no speak. When was the last time I talked to you? Last Monday I had Matt Arisa in here, but I put that in the can earlier, and then like a day later, the whole Anthony Cumia thing exploded. And so a lot of people anticipating my take on it, which I think if you're a fan of mine, you know my take on it. Still trying to figure out what he did wrong. It's unbelievable, isn't it hey uh when you're when you're attacked uh physically okay all bets are off language wise okay this is unbelievable we're at a point where words are more mean more than actions because of the fucking PC jerk-offs.

The elitist assholes. The college campuses. The left-wing douchebags. The fucking liberal fucking cocksuckers. Who have, you know, they used to get picked on, I guess, when they were kids. And sticks and stones. It really did break their bones. And here we are.

But, of course, I stand behind Anthony. And also, look, Sirius has the right as a company to can them if they want, even though they were totally wrong, in my opinion. I mean, he went on Twitter. He wasn't even on the frigging air. They're such hypocrites. The guy has been pushing the racial envelope for years. That's what makes the show popular, in my opinion, or one of the factors,

other than it's a great show. I mean um they never had a problem with it so i'm guessing it was building and somebody there was like okay enough um this was the straw that broke the you know proverbial camel's back so uh it couldn't have been just this incident because what the fuck? It wasn't even on the air. And I don't remember hearing a big outcry from, you know, special interest groups or companies to have them fired or boycott the station or whatever. So I'm guessing it was building.

It was an aggregate of things, you know? That's just my take on it. But I don't believe in this whole thing anyways the whole um you know i'm still trying to figure out and this doesn't the n word didn't even come into play but this whole language thing this whole pc thing um that didn't even come into play you know uh so it's just i don't even understand why the word nigger is worse than the word kike or chink or spic or wop or i don't understand how that became this uh the most dangerous thing or the worst thing somebody you know i don't know people will go well it has to do with how long the oppression went on with black.

Oh, so it's a it's a victim contest. Who was oppressed the longest, I guess. Whatever. But that didn't even come into play in this situation. You know, and they can him anyways after he's physically assaulted. Are you shitting me? So once again, it's white guys in suits with no balls just protecting their you know protecting their interests and uh like i said there wasn't even a a backlash or you know there wasn't any pressure

on serious that i'm aware of to have them fired so it has to be something else you know i know the guy and he's funny as hell and he just if you're a white guy and you haven't been called a racist at least 100 times a year for the last 20 years you you've been cowering in the shadows and being a puss and part of the problem not speaking the fuck up i got labeled after tough crowd you know how it is i got let me patrice me and patrice going at each other and other guests i remember there was a i can't remember they had a black female comedian on there once and they were uh i don't know colin showed a clip of um i don't know it's something to do with shoplifting whatever and she went crazy saying that you know she's watched every time she goes into a store

and i saw black people in general i watched watched them more, and I said, yeah, well, then stop fucking stealing, which, you know, I caught a whole bunch of shit for that. You know, but that was the beauty of that show, and, but because of that show, you know, I got labeled, even my, you know, so-called friends here in the business, you know, every time some racialist will come up, Nick, I bet you like that, huh? That racist thing that white guy said?

They're such fucking cowards. It's a business of nerds and cowards and I've never felt at home, to be honest with you. Ballless. Gutless. But even now they don't even know how to defend the shit that's going on in this country. Now I think it's gone to a level

they can't even justify it. But friggin' Anthony's shit that's going on in this country now i think it's gone to a level they can't even justify it but um freaking anthony's as funny as anybody ever met the guy makes me laugh as hard as anybody uh he one of the things the hardest i've ever laughed he's making fun of italians he was making fun of uh there was some show uh on on serious i think that i don't know the goomba show the wise guy show and he was imitating Italians. I was doing the show one morning. This was five years ago, probably. But he was making fun of how dumb the Italians were on the show

that I was crying. I was laughing so fucking hard. So it's not like he, you know, just went after one group of people. But, you know, what are you going to do? It's the times we're living in, folks. It's the time. Look who got voted in. I mean, Eric Holdo was on the sunday shows did you hear him

again claiming uh that him and obama get treated differently because uh you know such such racial animus against them and it's not the main driver of things but uh there's definitely a uh there are some people yeah we'll fucking point them out. Who are you talking about specifically? What a coward. What a frigging coward. He's still saying that we're cowards about race. You wonder why? You wonder why when he says that? I'm assuming he's talking about white people who are afraid to confront race. Well, anytime we do, we lose our fucking jobs. I think that might have something to do with it. It's a rigged game right now. Holder and Obama, they hate

this country, everything it stands for, how it was founded. Give me a break. Look at the border. You don't think that's about securing future votes for the Democratic Party? You've got to be shitting me. They don't believe in fucking borders. I've got to hand it to Obama. I've got to hand it to him. I wish we could find somebody in the right with that,

that much balls. He's shooting pool. Well, people, well, there's a crisis in the Texas border. He's right in the same state and he's shooting pool in Denver and fucking, he could give a shit.

He said he was going to change his fundamentally change his country. And he means it, you know, but that makes him a racist too you know it's all about it's all about uh you know social justice payback you know and uh holy moly if you don't believe that after watching what's going on with the border. And it's just fucking crazy. And they're putting these people on planes.

Once they go through Mexico, they get to our borders and they run into the open arms of border patrol agents who have to, by law, take these kids in and these women and shit. Then they put them on planes. They're putting them on commercial flights without like any ID. Are you shitting me? That's putting like, you know, US citizens in peril. You know, I know impeachment would be ridiculous because it would just be a backlash. You can't impeach the first black president, obviously.

And it would just, it's a wet dream for the Democrats if you did that. So you got to stay away from it. But if you're going by the book and shit, and in a perfect world, the race didn't matter. Fucking guy should have been impeached a year ago. Oh, it's hilarious, isn't it? The clips, the border patrol,

they're too busy filling out paperwork, changing diapers and shit, and taking care of kids. And that's why the border is so porous near McAllen, Texas. It's un-fucking-believable what's going on. I guess with such a racist, imperialist fucking shithole of a country, every brown person wants to come here. And who do you think takes it in the balls?

The fucking middle-class white taxpayer. Who do you think? Real rich people we know don't pay taxes. Fucking poor people suck off the government's tit. So who gets it in the ass? The middle class. Hard working people. Ugh.

I keep hearing about militia supposed to show up and confront these people. Where are you? What are you doing? Then I opened the post today. I was in Canada. I'll get to that in a few minutes. I was in Canada doing the Montreal Comedy Festival.

This is all about political correctness. This is what I should have called the show, but it's all tied in. It all connects. I was up there doing the nasty show, and we're at a point that even up there, you do something called the nasty show. What's happened is young kids, okay, who have been weaned on nothing but television and movies and left-wing Hollywood horseshit.

It's in their DNA to be PC now. They don't know another world. They have no point of reference to compare it to. It's in their fucking DNA. I'm doing a nasty show, and we're getting moaned like we're at a regular comedy club on a tuesday night the fucking marquee says nasty show you can which means they they give a warning before the show you know if you're offended by um foul language you've picked the wrong show now we have to like fucking be mealy-mouthed about it and make an announcement before the show because some douchebag soccer mom or you know will go home and fire off an angry

letter um but the nasty show is just unadulterated comedy it's the way stand-up should be shouldn't even have a label on it in my opinion but anyway um yeah so uh what a nightmare nightmare so I pick up the post today and on the you know there's that story about that cop obviously in Jersey City that got gunned down, executed for no reason just sitting in his car

and of course there's a picture on page 7 of the post of his gorgeous wife or girlfriend, whoever the fuck, whatever. I don't know. Just I'm reading it. I was like, I think it was Anthony Comia. He must be laughing his balls off.

Not because the cop is dead, but because of how it went down and the beautiful wife of the killer. Defending. If you don't know what I'm talking about. This guy just shot up a cop sitting in his car. First of all, he was in a drugstore in Jersey City. And started a whole fucking thing. The cop showed up.

Anyways, long story short. He just ambushed the cop. And it's like 23 years old, the cop. And this is the widow, the killer's wife. This is her quote. He should have taken

more officers with him, Angelique Campbell said, of husband Lawrence. Can you imagine? That's what she said. He should have taken more officers with him. Sorry for the officer's family. That's, you know, whatever, she was quoted.

But at the end of the day, Lawrence got a family too. Can you imagine the fucking ignorance? All they care about is the officer, Campbell added. And then in Jersey City, the fucking scum that live in this neighborhood set up a sidewalk shrine to the fiend, to the killer. And the shrine was made up of booze bottles. And candles. Can you fucking imagine?

Oy. And then. Police union leader. Officer Carmine Disbrow. And Sergeant Robert Kern said in a joint statement what kind of society do we live in where memorializing a violent murderer is acceptable a kind where uh liberals run the fucking world that's what kind of society we live in he was already wanted on another murder so that's what that's what needs to be reformed next, the legal system.

How many times do you hear about these scumbags back on the street and they have 19 arrests on their record and shit in their back? And not for simple shit either. And they're back on the street. Somebody might say that somebody up there wants the whites and the blacks to be at each other's throats. That's the theory that I happen to believe in. I don't know who those are exactly, but...

So, um... You know. I didn't even, uh... Up in Montreal, I didn't, uh... I made a... I don't know, maybe one or two racial cracks during the show. I don't even bother going there anymore. It's not even worth it. I can't even remember what the hell I said, but they won even bother going there anymore. It's not even worth it. I can't even remember

what the hell I said but they won't even bite on it. It's hilarious. You're doing shit about women. It gets, they clam up.

That's what's fucking hilarious to me. It's so obvious who political, what, you know, who political correctness is aimed at. Talked about it last time.

White heterosexual males. Imagine being that ignorant though. She also said they called an ambulance for the officer. Why didn't they call an ambulance for Lawrence? Because he did.

Wow. She's got there's a picture of her in the paper. Her earrings are the biggest fucking hoop. If she got within a mile of SeaWorld, there'd be dolphins jumping through these things. Well, she got her silly do-rag on

and her head tilted in that fucking ignorant way. Ugh. Anyways, Anthony, no apology necessary, in my opinion. Can you imagine if it was the other way around? If it was a white chick, I mean a black chick taking pictures, and Anthony wandered into the frame and saw that he was, somebody took a picture of him and went over and swung at a black girl,

and he'd be talking to us from, you know, through plexiglass. It's the times we live in. But Holder is the one that makes me the sickest. Just he's on Sunday morning shows. Anybody who disagrees with him, Obama does because of, because they're racist. What a childish way to go through fucking life. What a childish accusation.

It's just incredible. Does he really think we're going to live in a world someday where there is no racism at all? By the way, racism is a monolithic thing. It doesn't just come from the right. When you listen to Holder and these people, you think it's just every time people discuss racism, it's assumed it's white.

They did a national poll. Remember, it was in a paper like six months ago. And even black people admitted they were more racist than white people. You know. But does he really think and people like him think that it's going to be a day when there's never any racial tension? That's there's always going to be some of that there. We've come a million miles in this country since the 50s and the 40s.

But black people don't want to acknowledge it. They just want to keep hanging their hat on, playing the victim role. And again, not all black. I know I have to say not all black people, which is true. But as long as you have Sharpton out there and Jesse Jackson,

this shit ain't never going to end. I was talking to Bobby Slayton, okay? He pushes the racial envelope on stage here and there, and he was telling me that he was in Atlanta, I think, doing a club down there, and he was making fun of Obama and doing nothing, didn't use the N-word, you know, doing like nothing, didn't use the N word, nothing vicious. And some black woman started screaming at the stage and then fired off a letter to him and to the club saying,

the world will be better off when old white people like Bobby Slayton are dead. And just from like mild jokes, black jokes. And I won't mention the club or the owner, but the douchebag owner hasn't had Bobby back yet. And says, he said to Bobby, I love you, you're a great comic, but I don't like people who get laughs at the expense of other people. Can you imagine being a comedy club owner and having that mentality?

This shit just runs so deep it is fucking ridiculous so yeah i was up at montreal uh we did 10 nasty shows went up there wednesday got home yesterday and uh just i it's great when you're like I said and I'll say it again you've heard me say it again it's great when you're on stage and I love that city

hadn't been up there since 2008 they've used me a ton of times I actually hosted the nasty show a couple years in a row I did it with Patrice

remember I drove up to Patrice I told you guys about that it escalated and I still don't remember the other two people in the car that's how fucking much fun me and Patrice are I told you guys about that. It escalated. And I still don't remember the other two people in the car.

That's how fucking much fun me and Patrice were having, ripping each other to shreds. And he closed that show. But my name was on the marquee, which made me the headliner. But he disagreed. We started there and just fought for five hours on the way up. But, yeah, we do it at a place called Club Soda it's 800 seats it's the first shows to sell out up there but like I said again I hadn't done it in six years and I could see the change and the political correct even you know they're they're more PC than us you know political

you know they're just polite by nature Canadians Canadians. A little more socialist than us, too. But, yeah, I could see a total difference. Again, it's because it's a younger audience, and they've grown up on this horse shit. They don't know another world where you could speak your mind and not ruin your life. They don't know it, so they've bought into this hook, line, and sinker. Why do you think the Democrats go after college-age kids and fucking immigrants? People who don't know shit about the Constitution. And if you keep voting Democrat, by the way, you're voting for this type of horseshit.

Political correctness doesn't come from the right. Everybody should know that by now. So smarten up, will you? I don't like Republicans either. they're not far enough right for me i'd have like i said pep buchanan as president and giuliani secretary of defense uh so we're up there montreal uh you know me i hate the fucking row right away at la guardia i uh i'm in line you know waiting to go through security shoes off belts all that horse shit and of course i'm about to crew the metal detector the guy puts a rope up ropes it off and makes us start with me of course i don't know what it is about my face actually it was one person in front of me and And makes us start going to the line next to us, which is a mile long.

So I had the nerve to say, why aren't we using this machine? The minute I ask the question, he gets a furled brow, like I have no right to fucking ask. And then I see a buzz and I go, well, do these people in that line, are they going to get pissed? No, just follow that girl that went over there. What's so tough? He was getting fucking mad at me for asking questions. This fucking Wendy's, former Wendy's worker. These guys couldn't even work at McDonald's.

So I get over there and go through the horse shit. And then I get to the gate and I thought I heard my name called, right? About an hour before the flight. But the sound system, which they got from radio shack it's a fucking they stole it from a karaoke club plus the woman had an accent from like nigeria talking on it so i didn't recognize my name i heard so i ignore it go $15 drink. You might have saw my tweet. 15 bucks for like a Bacardi and Diet Coke after taking shit from a fucking TSA worker.

That's why I stick around the tri-state area, folks. If you wonder why I don't fly to your town. And yeah, so then we start to board and then she comes on again, and I'm sitting near the speaker at this time so I can hear what they're saying, and they call my name, and I go up there, and I hand this young girl my boarding pass.

She looks at it and tears it up with, like, a straight look on her face, and I'm going, oh, shit. Did that TSA guy fucking call ahead? And is he busting my chops? That's how paranoid I get. She tears it up and then goes to print out a new one. And the printer is out of paper or whatever. She can't get it straight. Meanwhile, they're boarding.

I paid. I'm flying first class. I'm supposed to board first. I'm watching the whole plane frigging board. That's when I freak out. I'm a real anal flyer. I get fucking nuts. So she finally prints out a new board. And she goes, freak out. I'm a real anal flyer. I get fucking nuts. So

she finally prints out a new board and she goes, are y'all set? And I didn't even, I was so, I'm like, I'm gonna get in a fight here if I ask her why. They never even gave me an explanation what that was about. Hold on, folks. I gotta move this fan closer to me, okay? It's fucking 860 in this place. It's the only room in the house

that doesn't have AC. Goddamn you! Bop, bop, bop, bop! 60 in this place. It's the only room in the house that doesn't have AC. God damn you. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Come to papa. You can probably hear that. Oh shit, you can. I better move it back. If you can hear that humming, that's a fan.

Okay, get over it. I'm not Casey Kasem. This isn't WABC. I'm not Reich Limbaugh. Although you might not know it from my opening comments. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So LaGuardia.

You know, Joe Biden hasn't said many things right, but he was right about that. That is a third world shithole. It needs to be douched. And Delta is just, I don't know what happened to that airline. You know, they throw you on. You go downstairs. Your terminal isn't near anybody else. And then, you know, there's no air conditioning. And then they throw you on a, you go downstairs, your terminal isn't near anybody else and then, you know,

there's no air conditioning and then they throw you on a bus. What am I going to, Aruba? You feel like, you know, you feel like a,

you know, World War II, Nazis and the Jews. Where's this bus going? Nobody tells you anything. Takes you out to the plane then you walk to the, and then the woman wanted to uh put a pink tag

on my bag i wouldn't let her so i had to argue with her about that i go look i've been flying for 28 years this is the same bag it's never not fit in anywhere fit right up your ass if you keep it up so i argue with her and uh i guess i'm a difficult flyer but you know i jammed it in i had to uh i had to headbutt my bag and punch it like 11 times and she was almost right So I argue with her, and I guess I'm a difficult flyer. But, you know, I jammed it in. I had to headbutt my bag and punch it like 11 times, and she was almost right. Equipment's different on every friggin' plane, I guess. But I get it in there. It took me an hour to get it out.

And then, of course, I go to work for Delta, you know, because there's an old lady, you know, a lady in her 60s with bad hips. And I, I fucking let her bag. I help her with her bags. And then I help a young girl and you feminist, a bunch of horseshit. Uh, so Montreal, I get up there. Yeah. Hyatt hotel, bup, bup, bup. Um, the real festival starts like next week or this week. I don't know. the real festival starts like next week or this week i don't know i'm going back up a week from thursday to do uh we did 10 nasty shows killed on most of them the last one was the worst was the most pc but even that's when i have the most fun in between jokes i just start cursing out the audience and calling them dumb canucks and shit i said you wouldn't know a joke of a bit on the tit you fucking go home and watch the uh winnipeg jets um so uh yeah 10 shows and here's the thing i was told by a guy who called me uh bill brownstein a great journalist for the gazette montreal gazette always interviews me and um he was on the impression that i'd be

closing the show which he's right about that and and doing about 20 minutes. But I wasn't. We all did nine. I went over, you know, because I was last. I gave him a little extra. I, you know, have a reputation up there a little bit. So, but it was kind of, that's how lazy I am. And I found out we only had to do nine minutes. I was in a good mood the rest of the week. Can you imagine that? But it's fun.

There's a live band there. The green room has no air conditioning. It's 172 degrees. They put out a, you know, put out a platter of Subway sandwiches chopped up. And that, you know, after about eight minutes in that heat, everybody's pissing out their ass for the rest of the week. They're really spoilers is what I'm trying to say. Ooh, Cheetos. Going on stage with fucking orange lips and teeth.

And drinking Labatt's. Ate and drank like a pig. going on stage with fucking orange lips and teeth, and drinking LaBatts, ate and drank like a pig. But the festival, it's crazy how big it's gotten. When I first started doing it, it might be 100,000 people. Now they talk about a half mil. They block off St. Catherine Street,

which is the main street, which is, it's only club sodas, like a six, seven minute walk from the hotel, right down the street, but they block it off. There's so many people that there's a mall under the hotel. So I found a way to go through the mall.

So you avoid St. Catherine Street and come out up through the subway. Come up the subway steps and avoid all this shit. And who was the comics? Ari Shaffir, you guys know. He's got a very popular podcast. Will Silvins, who's a funny black guy from the Comedy Cellar. Love the guy. He always wears like a wife beater.

It's so funny. And he's ripped. Of course, he's shredded. And you're saying, what do you mean, of course, Nick? You know what I mean, you motherless fucks. And I go, how do you, Will, I go, how do you stay in such a, I'm a pescatarian. I go, what are you talking about? He only eats fish and vegetables.

And I go, yeah, that's why he ripped. It has nothing to do with your heritage. He started laughing his balls off. Because you can do that. So you can say stuff like that and not get arrested when you're friends. And it's so funny every time you go outside you come back in with two good looking white girls and introduce them i mean fucking funny guy so he went second and then a very funny guy from montreal itself but derrick

sagan we say sagan but derrickagan. And he murdered every night. And then they were doing... And Bobby Slayton was great up front. You got to understand, he's been doing it 26 years, and I love him. And he talks like this. If it wasn't for Bobby Slayton, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be dead by my wife. My wife's such a fucking cunt. He must have said cunt eight times in the first ten minutes.

He's just a funny bastard. And he's like the mayor. He could run for mayor up there. And, yeah, so he does time up front. then brings us up, bang, bang, bang. And then there's a 15-minute intermission. And then Kurt Metzger would go on. And then a girl, Haley Boyle. She's from Long Island.

I didn't even know who she was. She's like this big girl. I mean, when I say big, like 6'2", 230. And just has a great, just funny, great attitude about it. She ended with a bit about raping a rapist with her clit. Give an idea what kind of material was going on. And then I went on. And most of the shows are good, like I said,

but just really, when I first started doing them, you couldn't go over the line, you know? You could say anything, and they knew. And you can just see how this PC generation just doesn't fucking get it. That makes it more fun, though, when they start to whine. Then you really beat them over the head with it. And so, so yeah 10 shows

it was uh what two wednesday two thursday two friday that's sick three on saturday and one on sunday i'm going back a week um a week from th to do five more. And they might even add some. But we're playing even a bigger place, a 1,200-seat venue, I guess, for the final five. And I'm doing some taping for a Canadian TV show up there. So, but just the thought of me getting back on a plane and going through that shit and going through customs and the Montreal airport is such a fucking nightmare. I mean, they really, you go through security and just when you think you're free, they corral you into this area with like 12 kiosks and you have to put your, you have to put your, I don't know, passport down,

and it takes a picture of it, and you have to look into a camera and shit. It really slows everything down. And then another person checks your shit, and then another person, and then before I get on the plane to come home, they call my name again right before we board, and I go up to the lady, and I go,

why is this happening to me on this trip? And she took it personally. She started lecturing me. Well, did you get your boarding pass from home? Did you do it online? I'm like, yes. Then she's talking. She's lecturing me so the whole terminal can hear.

And everybody's looking at me like I was right in the middle of it. I go, hey, I'm not arguing. I just asked you a question. She goes, oh, I know. But this is how it works. There's three systems. And we don't know because you did it from home with the and we have to verify through you know delta and then through the the the security up here has to

verify that you and i went i made it through nine checks what the fuck what could change and she just went nuts she had a neck on her like uh you know dick Dick Butkus, big woman. Yeah, so I'll go back 24, 25, and 26. And everybody will be up there then. Like, nobody's up there now, like, as far as comedians I know and shit, other than the guys that I worked with. But, you know, Opie and Anthony's show will be up there.

I'll do that. And what the hell else yeah do more nasty shows get my check and get the hell out of there and move on with life huh um you gotta go to montreal i don't know if you've ever been. I've never seen hotter broads in my goddamn life. Only thing that rivals it is like down south in this country. If you go to the Carolinas or to Texas, but I'm talking, you'll see a pack of 12 broads and there won't be less than an eight. It is.

And I mean, natural. They have this natural. Somebody explained it to me and they said, well, all the prostitutes from France came over to Montreal way back when the city was settled. It was known for its whorehouses, so it made sense. All the broads are kind of good looking.

Not that you have to be a piece of ass when you're a prostitute, at least not in New York. I've seen some one-legged fucking ball patch one-titted fucking vietnamese chicks walking around but unbelievable unbelievable just every restaurant you go into the waitresses they're like they have to be eights or nines they all have natural tits i didn't see any fake tits beautiful legs mother of christ is it? Cut to me back at the back in my room trying to order a block of porn in French. Visible daily jizz them up. Yeah, but holy Christ, the broads go up there, fellas.

I'm telling you, if you're young and it is incredible. It is incredible. What the hell else has gone on since I talked to you kids? I don't even know. Come see me, though. Before I forget, August 2nd, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Do me a favor. I don't care if you're living in Long Island, Jersey. Pack up 20 of you guys in a van.

Come on out. Let's fill this joint so I can do it more than once. Would really like to see some good numbers. Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. August 2nd, which is a Saturday night. It'll be a blast. It's just somebody doing a few minutes

in front of me, then I get the whole hour to myself to go fucking crazy. So load up. Load up the rent the goddamn bus. But don't tell my wife. She's not coming. What else? The Improv too.

August 21, 22, 23 in Atlanta. Probably getting in trouble down there. And Main Street Armory in Rochester, New York on the 29th of August. What the hell else is going on? Hey, while I was gone, Tanaka hurt his elbow for the Yankees. I'm bumming about that. My Red Sox are showing some life. Holy shit, it's like AAA, though.

It's nothing but rookie. They might stink this year, folks. And they might even, I don't know, I think they're going to have a little surge before the year is out. But they have, I think, five or six rookies starting. It's the first time in I don't know how many years for the Sox, since like the late 80s or something. This kid Brock Holt is the real deal.

He had five hits the other night. He's hitting like 321. He is the real deal. He's a skinny white kid who can run like a fucking wind. Yankees, yeah, I feel bad for Joe Girardi since he's gotten there. Other than 2009, it's a soap opera with the injuries, and the guy's done an unbelievable job. I mean, Tanaka, I'd be nervous.

Once again, he's got an elbow problem, and instead of just having surgery, you know that's what it's going to be. He's going to have Tommy John surgery. I'm guessing. They're telling him now to rehab it. I don't get that. But you've got to be kidding me. He was the only bright spot on that roster.

Yeah, did you watch the home run derby? How much of a snore fest was that? They supposedly changed the rules to kind of pick up the pace and stuff. It seemed longer to me. God, was it boring. And that shows you how little I had to do last and I actually watched the whole thing. Sepadus, however you say him, Sestavus

for Oakland, won it for second year in a row. Here's the thing, they could make it more interesting. They should have those guys piss in a cup either right before a home run derby or right after. And they should do a test. It's probably like a pregnancy test. They don't have a thing they can stick in there,

and if it turns red, you're juicing. Don't you think they should do that at a home run derby just to make sure these guys are clean? I'm making a prediction. I don't know if Bautista, I don't know, oh, Abreu, the kid for the White Sox, the rookie who's leading the league in homers. I want him to piss in a cup tonight. I know that doesn't sound fair, but anybody who has more than 15 homers

at the All-Star Bridge enough to piss in a cup, I don't know. Maybe they do. Maybe the test, I don't know of the testing, but I don't think it's that stringent. They should be made to piss at home run derby. But, yeah, it was kind stringent. They should be made to piss at home run derby. But yeah, it was kind of boring. It came down to Cepedis and Frazier, the third baseman from the Reds

who I'd never heard of. Another skinny white dude who could poke it, but he knew he didn't have a prayer and he got fucking walloped and it was boring, my friends. Not as boring as the World Cup. I'll get to that in a few minutes.

Thank God that national nightmare is over. Or somebody else's national nightmare. Depending on how you look at it. It was horrendous. What the hell's going on here? I see that A-Rod's being sued by a lawyer. One of his former attorneys said he failed to pay the litigator more than $380,000. The firm of Gordon and Ariz filed suit against A-Rod in an attempt to collect fees that were owed to one of its lawyers

after the drug-fueled slugger gave up his battle against Major League Baseball. 380 grand. It's coming back in 2015. Who gives a rat's ass? I know. God, is it fucking hot. did p90x today you know i do it like a couple i went from six days a week for a year to like uh you know four times a month but i actually did the uh like the chest and back workout i'm gonna be paralyzed tomorrow and, my Lyme disease, I'm hoping that's gone.

But I'm as listless and tired. I don't know if it's the weather or if it was because I was drinking Jack Daniels every night up in Montreal. I don't know. And I had the shits every day. And I feel like I'm 106. So I did P90X today. And it's so funny because I did one of the discs that I could do with my eyes closed a year ago, you know, Ripper, I could barely get through it today

it's so funny, it's not funny folks you know when you get over the age of 40 you lose 8% of your muscle mass every 10 years and you know what, that number to me seems really accurate because I'm looking at myself in the mirror 10 years. And you know what? That number to me seems really accurate. Because I'm looking at myself in the mirror. And I'm like.

Yeah I look about 8% worse than I did 10 years ago. When I was 40. Because even though I have some deficiency. Everything is lower. I didn't know that happened to guys too. Everything is fucking lower. Tits. My nipples are about 6.5 inches above my belly button.

They used to be up by my neck and of course i have these shoulders of uh you know somebody who's 106 because of prior surgeries i'm trying to do uh military push-ups and and and i got those i got those push-up bars that you do so you can go deeper and shit. And I can do about seven. And then right where my incisions are, I have sutures in there. The acid buildup and the pain that goes through my shoulders, it's excruciating. And then I do the next like eight on my knees like I'm a fucking girl trying to make the fire department in New York. Fucking horrible. 52.

I'll be dead soon. That's what I was doing before I started the podcast, by the way. You go online and you see it's like 100 celebrities that died in 2013. And that's how I know I didn't want to do the podcast. I was procrastinating. I was going over that thing like I was studying for a test.

And I came to the conclusion people in the show business don't know how to take care of themselves. Again, most of them weren't athletes and shit. So a lot of actors and actresses, even, you know, these characters, actors you've seen in a million things, they drop dead at like 66, 64. The chicks live longer, naturally. But the guys, they just The chicks live longer, naturally. But the guys, they just because, you know, they weren't fit. They weren't athletes. You know, they were doing Les Miserables in high school instead of playing football and hockey.

But I just laughed my balls off. I was studying that thing. Yeah, I'm about, uh, I'm about 207, which is, uh, I was, I was like 209 when I started P90X and got down to like, uh, 200, dropped nine. And, uh, yeah, all that's back. I go on walks not like an old man I walk for like two hours around my neighborhood looking at people's windows burn a lot of calories going up on your tiptoes and jerking off um what the hell else

this is probably where I can pause and shit but I don't trust myself with a computer What the hell else? This is probably where I can pause and shit, but I don't trust myself with a computer. How about Kate Hudson? She was in the post today. What a piece of... She looks like she's lost 20 pounds. Her mother, Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn?

Goldie Hawn, I should say. She's the first broad I think I pulled it to. There was a show called Laughing in the early 70s, and I was about 10, and they always had her in hot pants. She made her daughter look ugly, okay? She was so friggin' hot. I would be tugging it after laughing at Dan Rowan and Dick Martin. Let me read my horoscope.

The world is full of people who are eager to conform, Let me read my horoscope. The world is full of people who are eager to conform, but you're not one of them. And what you say and do over the next 24 hours will remind certain individuals of that fact. Maybe they're talking about the first 20 minutes of this podcast. They won't take you for granted again! Exclamation point. Really? They won't? Bullshit.

Those things are funny, aren't they? Sometimes you believe them when they're good. Other times, like, uh, your parents will perish in a fire today if you don't buy your wife a gift. Like, this is all bullshit. World Cup again.

Still trying to wrap my hands around the fascination with that shit. But here's a recap of the finals. I'm forcing you to iron your arm, to iron your fly. with that shit but here's a recap of the the finals Goal! Goal! Andre Chava! No caca! Goal! Goal! Andre Chava! No caca! And Boffin! Do eigene arbeid, do eigenen fleisch, eigenen floskel! Goal! Goal! Andre Chava! No, go, go! This is their coach giving a halftime pep talk. Goal! Goal!

Andre Chava! No, go, go! Oh, my God. I was in a restaurant there in Montreal, and there was two guys from France, young guys, looked like they're late 20s, kind of nerdy, heavy set fellas. And I think one of them recognized me or something because I was like mumbling shit under my breath about the fucking soccer game, and he kept giggling and shit.

And then finally I just looked at them both. I go, just give me a goddamn shot on goal it's i've been sitting here for 21 minutes hasn't been a shot on goal and they started fucking laughing no there's what there's one coming now don't worry about it and they were laughing too they knew exactly what i was talking about and uh and then the guys when they run into each other and a guy kicks another guy's foot and trips him and he rolls around. Jesus Christ. If I want to watch Europeans writhing in pain on the ground, I'll put on World War II clips.

Just frigging boring as shit. I don't give a... I'm sorry, folks. And I'm telling you, take my word for it. I'm making a prediction. They are going to shrink that field. They're going to take my advice. Because it always comes down to money. They are going to shrink that field, and they're going to take my advice because it always comes down to money.

And I know it's the most popular, whatever, only because it's played in every country in the world. But I'm telling you, even these guys from France, who are supposed to love it, and we're fucking yawning, I'm telling you, they're going to shrink the field just a little bit,

just enough, so there's a little more scoring. And they should allow forearm shivers to the face. That and knees to the balls and some fighting. And I'm telling you, I'll watch it. It'll go through the friggin' roof. But, uh, Germany. Germany over Argentina.

Too bad because I had 12 grand on Argentina. And, um, yeah, I was bored stiff with that. And it's finally over. And people are bragging how, I think it really caught on this time because, again, it caught on the same way political correctness caught on because there's a generation of jerk-offs

who are told by television it's good. And they believe everything they hear on television and on the internet. That's how it caught on. That and, you know, if Argentina was smart, the coach would have called Obama or the head of the NSA and said, look, we know you've been spying on Germany for the last fucking 20 years. What do you got on him?

How's their goalie? I heard he's weak to his left. We could have gave him all kinds of dirt. I mean, if we're checking Angela, by the way, Angela now, not Angela. What's Angela Mark? What the fuck's her last name? We're checking her emails on her cell phone. I think we know how the midfield of Germany is, what his weaknesses are.

But, yeah, so people think, oh, finally, it's caught on and blah, blah, blah. I don't think so. I still don't think so. I filled in for Dennis Miller last week on his show, and I had my buddy Kevin Flynn on, who was a star soccer player in New England in the 80s. And, of course, he loves it, and we had a little debate on there. And I said, well, how many ways can you... It's not the most nuanced game, okay?

They always want to put that. Well, you just don't understand. Yeah, it's so fucking complicated. You can only use half your body. Stop. How many different ways can you kick a soccer ball? And he says a thousand. Gross exaggeration, but I went with it.

That was a nice winning goal. I'll give him that much but come on folks two hours before a goal that's not going to catch on here i don't think unless this young well probably will like i said the generation believes anything they're very susceptible to uh good marketing um I need a joke. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? Ha, ha, ha.

Ah, that'll get me till i'm 150 god damn it uh what else my roof is done in my house actually they got a little more to do this weekend my brother-in-law is a goddamn genius do you ever have somebody who really does it right i was brought up by old man my old man don't do something unless you're going to give it, you know, a thousand percent. And that message didn't really stick with me, I guess. But my brother-in-law, I'm telling you, they were just going to replace the roof. Of course, they found an old roof underneath that was rotting out.

He replaced all the fucking wood, the flashing copper, this, that. I mean, holy shit. And I went up to test it i drank like 10 10 heineken lights and i i pissed over the guest bedroom and had my wife lay on the bed and i said do you see or taste anything and uh she said no no it rained like a motherfucker yesterday and not a drop my my guest bedroom was uh leaking like sieve. It looked like one of those places where they're putting the immigrants down in McAllen, Texas. Probably not as nice, actually. But it rained like a bastard yesterday

and, yeah, we had a few spots in the house. And not a drop. Not a drop. Guy does great work. I'd plug him, but I don't know what company he works for. And it's in Connecticut, but I don't know what company he works for. And it's in Connecticut, so I don't know if he can help you out.

And again, I'm going to make another request. I need a driveway. I need, and my driveway is, like I said, it's about three quarters, maybe a football field long. And I need it to be destroyed from the bottom up and replaced completely. So if you're a fan of mine and you know how to shovel that shit, give me a call at 176-519-9927.

And I'm also, what else? I'm still looking for radio gig, folks. So I got a little interest from some people that you'd be surprised. i can't say it right now but you'll be surprised as hell um some guy doing something on his own he knows somebody with a lot of dough and um there's some interest there because i love doing this and if you saw my tweet from la guardia you know i'm not going to put up with the road much longer. Not that I do a lot of it. But my buddy Bobby Slayton, okay, he's 58 or 59.

And he's an A-list headliner. He's a killer act. But he's got nothing else going on right now. And he gets on a plane three times a month. Because he's got bills and a huge nut like I do. But you think he really wants to do that anymore? And he says he's, you know, not getting the money he used to get because time's tough out there. So, like I said, come out to the Ridgefield Playhouse in big numbers, will you?

Will you please? Just so places like that will have me back and I won't have to do a week in Atlanta or Denver or Sacramento. I don't go to those places anymore.

I was banned from both of them. Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. Radio's where it's at. You can sit here. Be semi-funny. And you people, I know you people on Twitter go, I like it better when you have a guest.

Yeah, but you see, I live way the fuck up here, okay? And nobody can get up here. Matt Arise lives 20 minutes away. That's why he'll be on. And Joe List, you know, he owes me a ton for what I've done for him. I kid. But even he doesn't want to come up here. And I mean, Quinn, haven't had Quinn on yet.

Because Quinn, you know, me and Quinn, I don't know if I ever told you this. I think I did. I must have mentioned this in prior podcasts that we auditioned for a radio show. They put us on for a week on WJFK. We did it out of New York. It was on, I think it was WFAN at the time, or it was Chernoff, the guy that runs the fan. The bottom line is we did a week,

and they offered us a job for real money at the end of the week, and Quinn didn't want to do it. He didn't want to do it. He hates radio, and he's pretty good at it, Quinn, but he has no attention. He's got ADD.

He gets, you know how he is after has no attention. He's got ADD. He gets, you know how he is after a half hour. He can't sit still. He hates it. And we're good together. I had him on with me on Dennis Miller and people talking about it. There's a chemistry there. Can't talk to son of a bitch.

And I said, good. Good luck. Good luck flying all over the country when you're 68. Doing your one-man show called I Shit My Diapers. But I love it. I friggin' love radio, man. Not so much where I'm going to, you know, move to Cleveland and be a morning zoo guy. But I hope this podcast thing blows up.

I really do. Because it's frigging fun. Wouldn't know it from today, but it's frigging fun. Am I right? Let's have fun with audio. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now, what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? Full speed ahead. Dad, are you going to let me run or not?

No, I'm not going to let you run. You want to come here with me? I don't know what you're doing. me money or not? No. He's the funniest guy ever to be on TV, ever. I was in the service. I won the chin-ups cup three weeks in a row. Fucking beautiful definition, too. Guy asked me to model for the boxing poster. He was here for a fact, but I was flat at just the same. Now, look at this.

Fucking wrinkles like an old lady's cunt. Oh, God, frigging help me. Do you not miss that show? I still watch it. I put the diss in. All right, kids. That's watch it. I put the diss in. All right, kids. That's about it. I don't know.

All-star game tonight. Who gives a rat's... You believe that they actually... It determines who's going to have home field in the World Series. Isn't that a little much for an exhibition game to decide? I think that is fucking so asinine. It's got to be a happy medium. But I know Wainwright's starting,

and it should be Kershaw, by the way, from the Dodgers. They're both tremendous, don't get me wrong. But, you know, it's the Cardinals coach making the call, Matheny. I think that's his name. And John Farrell, the Red Sox manager, is coaching the American League tonight. And what's he going to do? He's got to do something nice for Jeter. I'm trying to figure out what it is.

Maybe a hand job in between innings, at least taking grounders. But they got to do something nice for Jeter. And it's a Red Sox manager. That's about as interesting as it's going to get. I'm hoping somebody gets drilled with a pitch. I know you guys are too young to remember this. But an all-star game in the 70s. Pete Rose ran into a catcher.

Guy named Fossey, and fucking ruined his career. A collision at home plate when they used to take this game seriously. They should play that hard now, now that it means advantage, you know, home field advantage in the World Series. But he ran, you've seen it a hundred times probably,

collision at the plate, and it ruined the guy's career. But that's how Charlie Hustle was. He was an animal. And it ruined the guy's career. But that's how Charlie Hustle was. He was an animal. And it meant something. And I'm hoping we see something like that tonight. And what else do I do? I've got to pick a clean set from Montreal for that TV taping.

I sent them. They make you write it out. How about that, folks? I think I talked about that last week. I had to type it out and send it to them. But the truth of the matter is, what I sent to them last year I had to type it out send it to him the truth of the matter is what I sent sent to him last week I have no intention on doing no matter what I sent to him even if I change it but it has to be TV clean but do you think it really matters to me

I would like to get arrested on stage in Canada because I you know flipped out on a Canadian TV show. Then I'd become huge up there. I could play all the beautiful places in Calgary, Edmonton. I've done all these cities, by the way. We did a tour across Canada. We did a Nasty Show tour years ago, me and Stan Hope. I think Attell was on it. Started in Ottawa. Lenny Clark was the host.

Went all the way across Canada. Ottawa. Went to Toronto. Calgary. Edmonton. Vancouver. The only place that rivals Montreal as far as, well, not even, well, it's pretty close as far as broads go. I told you, Doug Stanhope, it was his birthday and he's on stage.

He goes, who's got ecstasy? Sure enough, some kid with like a blonde mohawk comes up after the show, gives it to him. And then, you know me, I'm a former jock, kind of a straight-laced guy. Stanhope with that cult-like personality talks me to doing ecstasy. And, you know,

end up going back to my room and pulling my own prick on ecstasy. There was a blonde chick with her foot on my lap under the table. But it hadn't kicked in yet. How about Stanhope talk me into that? Guy's got powers. Anyways, kids, that's it. I will talk to you.

I don't know if I'll have a guest next week or not. Like I said, they need, you know, they have to change flights and take two boats and a canoe to get to my house. But I'll see what I can do. That's it. Please come see me, Ridgefield Playhouse, August 2nd. And if you know how to lay down a driveway, hit me up on Twitter. Until then, you know what you got to do. Shit, shave, and douche.

I'll talk to you soon, kids. I love you all. You know that. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen. I'll be the same. guitar solo I'm out.