The Nick DiPaolo Show - 039 - Are You Putin Me On?

Episode Date: July 22, 2014

Are You Putin Me On?

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello kids, how are you? Nick DiPaolo, back on. If you hear some type of machinery in the background, it's my neighbor, Woodchipper. They're tearing down some shed in his uh backyard he just replaced his septic tank i'm talking he was telling us the paperwork he had to go through and the it's just unbelievable but uh so they apparently the thing overflowed the old one or whatever, and it soaked this. Listen to me laugh at somebody's misfortune. He had this beautiful shed that he used to do woodwork in and stuff, and all his tools laid out.

Apparently the shit soaked to the bottom of the shed. I say shed. It looks like a small house. It's like a small machine shop's like enough to you know it's like a small machine shop in there so they're tearing that down and there's a wood chipper going either that or he had a fight with his wife and he's uh you know disposing of the body i don't know but if you hear any that's what it is it's one thing or another ain't it how's it going hey yeah you know i'm

you guys that tweet me i laugh because you're like hey you're a bitter or a hat you're an you say it out of love you're like you're an angry old fuck i love you you're bitter i'm not bitter i'm angry always was okay i could show you clips from fifth grade i had this attitude so learn the difference between bitter and anger, all right? I love the way my life turned out, and I still got more ahead of me. But somebody who thinks it's passed them by, that's bitter. I'm just, you know, perpetually pissed off, I told you. I explained my family tree.

It's like one of those fucking apple trees in The Wizard of Oz. Yeah, walk by me, draw you in the head with a Macintosh. But I laugh. People love it. Anyway, I mean, they compliment me when they say it. They don't say, you know. But it's so funny. The word bitter is always in there, and it's not bitter.

I've beat the system. I've been telling jokes for 26 years, doing what I want for a living. So if it ended tomorrow, I win. So then you go, why are you so angry? I don't know. Ask my old man. Ask his old man. I told you, my dad was so poor growing up.

When my father needed shoes as a kid, when my grandfather would buy them, my grandfather would hit my father over the head with the shoes before he gave them to him to remind him how much they cost. So, I don't know. Maybe I have a lot of my grampy in me. What do you want me to tell you? But, you know, what do you want? A well-adjusted? You think well-adjusted people go into comedy and go, hey, go in front a a room full of people and go hey look at me

you think that's a normal well-adjusted guy although then you have guys like mr fluffy what's his gabriel iglesias by the way who's a monster commercial hit and and you know he gets like 240 million views on anything he puts up and he's got a movie coming out and god bless him. I'm just saying. When I see that and read that, I go, oh, that explains my numbers. If that's what the public is looking for. The antithesis of me. Nothing fluffy here except for the gray pubes on my left nut.

I blow dry them every morning. Anyways, what else? I'm heading to Montreal. What's today? Today's Monday. I can't even keep track. Yeah, heading to Montreal on Thursday to finish up five more nasty shows and some TV tap95 that'll be 11.95 and anyways i think they just throw me a bone throw me on a tv taping to just like make me feel better when when in actuality i'd rather not do it i'd rather just do you know the rest of the nasty shows and give me my check but the thought of going back to that fucking zoo hotel which will be 10 times worse now when i was

up there was the week before the big the busy part of 10 times worse now. When I was up there, it was the week before the busy part of the festival. Now it's in full bloom up there. Everybody you know is up there and everybody you don't know. I'll be in the elevator with like, you know, some French comedian on a unicycle

with the clown makeup on. That type of shit. I'm really dreading it, I gotta be honest with you. Gotta pay them bills though, don't you be honest with you gotta pay them bills though don't you oh you gotta pay them bills now uh what the hell else what did i do over the weekend um went to visit uh my buddy arty fuqua any any of you guys or gals out there who have been in the comedy cellar uh arty is usually the mc down there most nights um very charismatic black fella who looks like he's probably 28 or maybe 30 and he's only a

few years younger than me and the guy's had a rough couple of years man he lost his son his son was playing basketball and got elbowed in the head or banged his head when playing hoops and ended up dying and and then he was in this horrible car accident with um tracy morgan i should say truck hit the limo and um a guy actually get killed you guys know about it you've read and heard about but he's still in uh rehab in uh in new jersey the ascent of new jersey and um about 70 miles from my house and uh and you're probably going what do you care what's the distance when it's friends well i i'm not exactly that close to them my guys convinced i'm a racist but i still went to business no he's a great guy all right he's like great guy. He's the most happy-go-lucky. If I had one-tenth of that fluffiness, shall we call it, I'd probably have done better.

But, yeah, he's been in there. This happened June 7th, I think the accident was. So he's still, can you imagine? He's still in the hospital. I guess Tracy Morgan was, like like in the room next to him, but Tracy's been long gone since. But he's already busted his FEMA in five places. And, you know, he was in a coma for a few weeks.

So I got on there because I heard through the grapevine, through my Keith Robinson, a few other comics, that Artie's up and, not up, but he a few other comics that already's up and not up but he's uh you know he's conscious and talking and and uh making funny jokes and um he's you know so i i go there not knowing and uh oh the trip down there was beautiful again it's a saturday you know nice day to lay around good but uh free, free time on my hands. So I'll do something good. Uh, the hospital visiting hours during the week of like 4 PM to eight at night, which is a nightmare. If you live in Westchester and you're going to go to, you know, 70 miles from here in

New Jersey, I don't want to mention the town because it's still a privacy issue or whatever. it's still a privacy issue or whatever um but uh yeah so i'm like oh jesus i'm not gonna go during the week because uh you know i'd hit rush hour you don't want to be on the garden state parkway which this trip takes you and 78 west or whatever and uh and uh yeah four to eight during the week so i'm like no that's no good i'm not gonna get caught in russia either way so i'll wait till saturday saturday the i guess the visiting hours at this rehab joint are from like 11 in the morning till eight at night anyway so i decide on saturday this will be beautiful there'll be no traffic but i bang i get on the friggin taconic heading south to the sawmill bump bump i'm making fucking great time i'm like holy shit i'll be there you know before quinn and uh this comedian modi calling

quinn and modi they took their own cars keith robinson was supposed to come with us he planned the whole thing because he doesn't show so anyways um so i i get to the henry hudson all of a sudden i go through the toll. I see traffic back up at the tolls, which it never is. It's a Saturday afternoon. And I'm like, oh, Jesus, here we go. You know, creep through. It took me 10 minutes to creep through the tolls.

And once on the other side of the tolls, just didn't move. Couldn't even see what was going on, what was blocking it. And I was supposed to meet Quinn and the other guy, the comedy seller, and Keith, at like 12.30. So I called them at like 12, 12.10. I hadn't moved in like 20 minutes. I go, you guys better go, you know. And so I am sitting there just fucking fuming,

keeping in mind my buddy's been in the hospital for a couple months, and just fuming. Fucking, what the fuck could this be? I'm thinking, is it Yankees? What is it? Other people, I see other people in the car, they just look on their face, and I put on, this is what sent me through the roof,

I put on 1010 Winds. I don't know when they record this shit. For you people not living in new york area 1010 wins is the am news channel that gives you it gives you a traffic update for new york city you know the tunnels and the bridges every uh 10 minutes um and the guy goes well there's a backup from uh the henry hudson tolls starting uh like in the 60s all the way back to the henry hudson uh southbound and northbound he doesn't say that there's anything wrong other than it's it's volume i'm thinking it's volume he doesn't say and i'm like so what

the hell could it be does not mention an accident or anything I call Quinn calling Quinn calling Quinn's on the phone with Esty she's the woman who books the comedy cell and she sends she texts me a picture of exactly what the problem was I'm having heart palpitations by the way I've been having these for about three weeks I'm gonna have to have you guys tweet me about this, too. I don't know what's going on. It's a weird feeling in my chest, and I'm getting it right now. I don't know what it is, but I'll probably find out when I'm in Montreal. So, yeah, so SD Tech's a picture of like an oil rig or a big truck.

It hit the sign. like a oil rig or a big truck it hit the sign there's a sign that uh on the henry hudson parkway telling you to it's a sign for the uh george washington bridge and he hit the fucking thing i mean a sign that's like 30 feet high i don't know how he hit it but he ripped right through the sign you might have seen the picture i think it was in the news but that must have happened folks 15 minutes before i was approaching the henry hudson tolls unbelievable and i'm looking at the picture and holy christ sure enough they have all lanes blocked except for one and this is like a four lane fucking highway now i'm cursing the bejesus and just going mother of tits no good deed and just sitting there grinding my freaking teeth and uh eventually got by it of course just that one spot get around it it wasn't even blocking the lane going to the gw bridge but it was you know about a quarter mile north of that so get on the bridge and uh real pain in the ass ride um jersey i don't know what it is folks i

don't know who sets up your street signs the state department i've only get lost three times in my life my car every time it's been new jersey this wasn't one of the times but i'm just saying you got something wrong with the people that put up the fucking signs either that it's such a congested state and the roads are so screwed up but um and i'm not the only one who said this i know a few people who agreed uh i remember trying to find the palisades parkway um and there was a the sign was literally the size of a dinner plate for the uh on ramp to the palisades parkway but um yeah just just a horror show. And they give you like nine minutes of reading of information on one sign,

and you can't, you know, by the time you get up close enough to read it, you have to make up your mind. So I go over to GW, bop, bop, head there. Then I get to the hospital, and then I'm like, Artie, full car, please. And what I first, Artie's real popular with the young white chicks he's always got like a hot smoking hot white broad

every night so this honestly I get out of the park get out of my car in the parking lot and I see two kind of hot white young broads

so I follow them into the hospital thinking they'll leave me down but it wasn't the case I get to the front desk and there's a lady with a mullet and a jean

jacket on look like she could knock me out i'm like uh arnie fuqua uh we don't have anybody with that name here well i'm like he's been here for about three months it's like the mayor of munchkin city here what do you mean no we don't uh we don't have and i'm like how the hell is that possible and then she suggests that well maybe maybe staying under a different name. And I'm like, why would he do that? I mean, Tracy Morgan was famous. So why would I, you know. Anyways, she was right.

After 20 minutes, I call Keith Robinson. I go, is Artie staying in the hospital under his own name? No, man. No, it's under Billy Magoo. Whatever the name was he used. Yeah, man. I'm like, for Christ's sake, I'm going to knock him into another coma. This son of a bitch.

Like he's Elvis or something. Anyways, then I get lost in the hospital. More Jersey signs. It's like 19 wards, three elevators. Anyway, but I get nervous because I finally find it and it says brain trauma unit. And now I get nervous. I'm like, I thought he was like rehabbing his back or whatever. Brain trauma.

I'm like, I heard he was out of a coma and pretty normal. I see brain trauma and I start getting, I was you know out of the coma and pretty normal i see brain trauma and i start getting i don't know what i'm walking into i was really nervous i thought i was gonna walk in and go hi arnie's you know i mean shit in his pants grape soda all over his tits tv all screwed up i i get nervous i was like oh my god should i bang a ue had to pick up a phone they'd buzz you right in and i walk in and he looks at me and he didn't recognize me right away but then he's like what are you doing he was really genuinely surprised to see me and he looked great had his leg up in a thing busted his femur in five places i guess um but um yeah he was to my relief he was the old arty pretty much a little he explained to

me like when i first sat down he goes yeah i was in a bad accident with Tracy and he explained it to me like I had no idea why he was in the hospital. So that was a little strange. But I think he's going to be good. Which was a relief, man, because I thought, oof. Because he was unconscious and then they induced a coma. I mean, that's a serious scars

all over his head and stuff. But like I said to Colin, he has enough of his faculties where he can be a good mc to comedy club but he was good he was upbeat funny and like i said he's a real ladies man and every nurse there are a lot of like i'm jamaican nurses and shit coming in and you could tell they all just uh they just uh loved arty because he's so full of personality and shit he's just busting their balls and making cracks about their asses and stuff and their makeup. And we were laughing our balls off.

Yeah. And Quinn was there, Colin Quinn. And it's comedian Mody, gay Jewish fellow, which always makes fun busting his chops. He was pretty damn funny. So we were just torturing Artie, and yeah, it was kind of a relief. You know, I thought, who knows? Is he going to talk kind of funny or whatever? But, of course, Quinn comes up with a line of the day.

He picks up a bag of Starburst, and he goes to the nurse. Next time, can we get a white nutritionist for Artie? And the racial cracks were flying. But Artie was sharp, man. We were talking football and he was talking sports and making plenty of sense. So I think it's going to be a full recovery, thank Christ. You know how lucky that guy is? A goddamn 18 wheeler slammed into their.

Limo. Slash truck. One of those. Van limo things. I don't know what you call it. But the fact that. That he still seems. You know.

It's a relief. The guys. That's. He's had a couple of bad years. Like I said. But. Yeah. The nurses, they had a couple of bad years, like I said. But, yeah, the nurses were all young and cute and having a good time with them. And Artie tells us a story. I guess one of his girlfriends came in, and he asked the nurse to pull the curtain,

and his girlfriend gave him a handjob or some shit, and then they realized there was a camera in the room. Because when you're in rehab, they don't want you to get up and stuff, so they monitor every move, you know? You could get up and re-break your leg or your back or whatever. So there's cameras that already didn't realize it or whatever. It's like a mosquito net they pull around the bed. It wasn't like a thick black curtain, so apparently they could see it or whatever.

So look for that tape on YouTube. That ought to make him a headliner. Artie's hung like a barn animal, so is the word. And we're cracking up about that, but the nurses were loving him, man. And we're just giving him a ton of shit, and I'm glad he's cool. What else went on oh you know we had uh the ukraine and russia nice huh the malaysian plane did i pick the wrong time to buy stock in that airline what the fuck what the fuck do you believe this do you believe it i mean talk about tragedy was it 298 like 80 kids on the plane not the ages matter but i mean come

on and then the crap coming out now you hear the shit russian media is putting out the propaganda i don't know if you read the latest they're like well american satellites happen to be in the area but how come they don't have any footage of the missile and they're putting these are actual theories they're putting out on russian news television another one was the people in the plane were already dead they were from the malaysian you know the plane that disappeared it was those they put them on and was all staged that's another theory that was on like good morning russia on one of those stations and um what the hell else was a couple of doozies in there saying that it wasn't

them and oh another one was it was the uh ukraine uh army trying to shoot down a plane that they thought Putin was on because it looked just like the Malaysian airplane. Do you fucking believe it? And, you know, people over there probably swallowing. It's funny. People talk about how corrupt the media is over there, and I'm like, how is that any different than NBC and ABC and CBS over here? Full of chat.

We're not quite to that point yet, but if we had another 15 years of Obama or presidents like him, we'd be there. Pretty much media run, state run media. Excuse me. But just a horrible story.

Just frigging, it's crazy. And I mean, the evidence is overwhelming that it was russian equipment snuck over the border and you know they get guys on social media um separatists the rebels you know right after they shot it down they put it on social media so dumb they are. And the equipment, everybody's identified it. It's one of those, I think it's called a Buk, B-U-K. It's like four missiles on the back of a truck or a tank.

And now they have footage. Some guy in a car went by on a highway and took pictures of a couple days after the shoot of that equipment with a tarp over it being pulled back into Russia. I mean, and then the drunken rebels,

you know, they're looting the crime scene. Right? There's body parts everywhere. They're throwing, they threw 200 and something bodies into a refrigerated train there's no way i mean we know what happened we don't fuck the black box we know what happened but of course they grabbed that too um you know so it's been contaminated the it's they call it the largest crime scene in the world. And it's just been totally, you know, stomped on. And I hope they're not going to go by, you know, the letter of the law and go, well, we can't.

We know what happened. And, of course, our president, you know, showed his anger by going to a couple more fundraisers in Manhattan. I understand he's kept abreast or whatever, but now he's calling for more sanctions, which is fine. But you got to step it up. You got to put that missile system that we were swindled out of, we got to put that back into Eastern Europe. Just for starters, even if it's just for aesthetics. Just to show we have some fucking balls, you know. But now the theory is if you start doing that and adding more sanctions, then Russia is not going to, you know, they're not going to help us with the crime scene and they're going to be that much more pissed off.

And Europe depends on getting all their gas and a lot of it gas and oil from russia and blah blah blah so we have tons of natural gas over here let's give some to europe how about that you got to do something other than just sanctions you know send some troops over there to Europe. Like I said, even if you're just feigning it, I mean, that's all this guy understands. Frigging psycho Putin. Holy crap. You see how he walks? I crack up every time they show him on the news. When he walks, he walks just like they're like a psycho. One arm, his right arm down by side doesn't move. And the other one swings like a monkey. He is a judo expert, so somebody told me that's how they walk with this aggressive.

He leans forward a little bit. But it's just a horror show. And some of the stories that came out of that, there was a family that was, the flight was oversold, so they gave up their seats and agreed to go on another flight the next day or later that afternoon. Can you imagine? Oof. And then, and there was a flight attendant

filling in for a friend. You always have that story. And then there was a flight attendant whose husband was on the plane and she was supposed to be on that flight or whatever and uh just horrendous just around people and another guy took a selfie saying look i'm a little bit nervous because it was a malaysian airline he's kind of making a joke can you freaking imagine and his body parts strewn everywhere and uh yeah the the whole

crime scene has been just totally stomped on by this the separatists are like drunken they're drunk they're like just outwardly drunk threatening people with guns that are coming you know international uh international um they sent the team of international uh it's like uh you know transportation board over here uh over there and and the rebels are threatening with shooting guns in the air and shit what the fuck is going on in the world and uh so what do you do i mean what do you freaking do what do we do now even if it was shot down by accident because that's what they're saying they thought it was a cargo plane they'd shot a couple down earlier in the week and they thought it was a

you know a ukrainian cargo plane but regardless it's still an act of war isn't it i think you blame russia for the recent current events that was from wwe by the way which I don't follow because they have a semi, you know, semi, whatever. I'm so upset right now. But that was from WWE Wrestle. They have a Russian team, a husband and wife, and that was Lana. I think her name is J.C. Perry, this hot blonde that plays the Russian wife. And she brings that up.

She was implying about the accident when she said current events. Can you imagine fucking WWE talking about stooping to a new low for ratings? And they're catching a whole lot of shit for it, which is exactly what they wanted. That's how marketing works. And Vince McMahon, whoever runs it now. But she's smoking, huh? I want to hear that again.

I love that accent. You blame Russia for the recent current events? Really rolling those R's. Are you Russian or Spanish there, sweetie? Got an ass on her like a fucking 12-year-old black kid. That's a compliment, by the way, for a girl. So they're catching a bunch of shit.

But what do we do? So like I said, put the fucking missile defense system back in poland or wherever it was that we get duped out of do something other than friggin sanctions hey and the rest of the world europe you gotta wake up too waiting for us to friggin that's what's scary they used to wait for america to take the lead but we get a president who takes pride in and not leading. So Europe is looking at us going, what the fuck up, man? What are you going to do?

And we're like, no, I guess a few people are getting on board. This is actually good. I mean, Putin's got himself in a corner now. The whole world's going to turn on him. Can't have pictures of dead kids and innocent people all over the Internet. And your fingerprints are all over it, no matter how much you deny. So, but just do something militarily. God damn.

What else, folks? Then you get the Middle East. That's on fire. Yeah, anybody feel like this is right? The beginning of World War III? I mean, it's been brewing since I was 12. But that's what it feels like doesn't it the whole plane shoot down thing it was like world war one when we blew up uh what was it king ferdinand's

ship whatever the fuck that started it all um not we you know what i'm talking about um yeah israel and the palestinians and and that started with three like Israeli kids getting murdered remember three teens missing and then all hell broke loose over there and Israel's not playing which is good just take the gloves off why don't we stay out of it that's my opinion there United

States just let a little can you let these two go at it okay and you know whoever wins wins we keep intervening and prolonging this shit. Just let Israel go crazy. They have all the best weapons. Let them go nuts. Palestinians.

The Hamas is like, they hide their rockets and shit in schools and in homes. They're using, like, civilians as, at least this is the reports. They use civilians as human shields over there. So when, you know, when Israel tries to blow up, you know, rockets or whatever, you know, they can't help but hit a school or something. Israel's going to be the only country in the world that tells you, look, we're going to bomb this neighborhood. We're giving you a day to get out or whatever. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

you look we're gonna bomb this neighborhood we're giving you a day to get out or whatever have you ever heard of such a thing so i i i'm buying it they're doing their best to keep uh civilian casualties down who the hell does that they call them the the cell phone the friends and family plan get out of huddersh but uh yeah right now i mean it's really heated up over there israel's uh whacking out a bunch of people, like four or five hundred people have gone in the last couple days, just again, get it over, the thing's been festering for literally thousands of years, take the gloves off, let them go at it, and let's declare a winner already, will you? in other news what the hell does this say my eyes are gone

I gotta get that heart thing checked too anybody have a it's not just I used to get like palpitations but that was from caffeine and stress this is weird I'm laying in bed I'm totally relaxed and I can feel it like not skipping a beat but something feels weird

like a little tightness, like an air bubble. I can't describe it. Hopefully it holds out until Sunday when I get back from Montreal. Then I'm going to go to the doctor and take care of all this shit. Make sure I still don't have Lyme. What the hell else do I got for you kids? Oh, this story, this one cracked me up. Not cracked me up, but boy, fucking, more crazy liberalism at college campuses.

Uh, the headline, University of Wisconsin-Madison mulls diversity-based grading. Hoo-hoo. Can you imagine that? Lee Hanson, a professor emeritus of economics at UW-Madison, wrote in an op-ed piece for the John William Hope Center for Higher Education, a North Carolina-based think tank, about the latest diversity plan for the University of Wisconsin's Systems Flagship School. The plan, completed in May, is your typical left-wing platitudes about commitments to compositional diversity,

commitments to compositional diversity, equity-mindedness, representational equity, and other things of what has become a sacred cow to the liberal academia. But he says, let's take a closer look at one of these working definitions included, namely reprisational equity. It calls for proportional participation of historically underrepresented racial ethnic groups at all levels of an institution including high status special programs high demand majors and in the distribution of grades can you fucking imagine and the article says we are not told exactly what adherence to this will entail it appears to mean that the directors of programs and departmental chairs

will have to somehow ensure that they have a mix of students with just the right percentages of individuals who embody the various differences quote-unquote included in the definition of diversity what the fuck does that even mean uh but especially shocking is the language about equity in the distribution of grades professors instead of just awarding the grade that each student earns would apparently have to adjust them so that the academically weaker historically underrepresented racial slash ethnic students perform at the same level and receive the same grades as academically stronger students oh my fucking word did you ever think it could get to this it really is a mental illness that you have people that think like at the very least this means even greater expenditures on special tutoring for weaker

targeted minority students it is also likely to trigger a new outbreak of grade inflation as professors find out that they can avoid trouble over inequitable grade distributions by giving every student a high grade in other words a good you just destroy the whole grade thing and it's it's fucking racist at its base i mean what what these people are saying these so-called elite assholes are saying oh minorities we have to you know grade you on a curve because you're not that bright it's like it's totally they're the ones that call because they call everybody racist and it's exactly what they're doing holy moly so great i mean how does that help so if you graduate if they implement that which i guess is not implemented yet and you graduate from there and you're a

minority you think anybody's gonna hire you knowing that that's in place that you're graded on a curve that's so insulting and condescending that's fucking that's true racism right there you always hear people yelling racism today but there's only really one kind and that's it right there coming from the people who are pointing fingers and calling everybody racist we're going to grade minorities on a curve because they can't handle it they're not as smart as whitey what total horseshit you know university of wisconsin Madison, you know, it's left-leaning as it gets. But that's not

just here. This is not an isolated incident. This type of retarded thought is on every campus. Can you

friggin' imagine? How's that going to help anybody? That diploma will be useless.

Crazy. What's the picture say? You are now entering a space of privilege and prejudice. What the hell is that from? Imagine, though, grading on a curve, grading because of your ethnicity. Imagine, though, grading on a curve. Grading because of your ethnicity.

That's about people that liberal. That's about you. You need to be loved, apparently. Something deep down is making you fucking cuckoo, and the guilt just chases you around 24 hours a day. It's about you needing to be loved. It is. I used to laugh when people say it was a mental disorder,'s about you needing to be loved. It is. I used to laugh when people say it was a mental disorder,

but I'm starting to believe them. I don't understand that for the life of me. Yeah. Whoa. I was supposed to shut that off, wasn't I? That adds to the show. That was actually Rob Sprantzance the founder of riotcast he just listened to the last one my last podcast about anthony and love that he's a well that's good that's terrific it's a few more beans in my pocket yeah right uh golf fans did you watch the uh i'm not like a huge golf fan but uh when the majors come around

i admit i'm a sucker like everybody else and my favorite major is the british open and uh i didn't even bother watching it after being you know sucked of all excitement after watching the world cup for a month i was just drained and uh kidding obviously but um golf uh that's even slower almost but anyways But anyways, Rory McIlroy. How about it? He wins. He's a young fellow. He's 25, okay?

And you say, well, how does that factor into the story? Well, not only did he win, his old man, Jerry McIlroy, and three of Jerry's friends placed a combined bet of 400 pounds, which is now $80 dollars in american uh in 2004 they put this bet down on uh rory winning the british open before he turned 26 he was 15 years old rory was at the time that his old man and his friends made the bet the odds were 501, so they collected 200,000 pounds or $340,000. Nice. Nice score.

That's a nice score. Goal! Goal! Andre Chava! No, goal! Nice going, kid. Tiger, man. I don't know do you believe i mean after going through that shit with his wife that it would destroy him like this i have my own theory and again this is just my

opinion i think he was a juicer he doesn't look as big as he used to at some of those pictures a few years ago i used to say to my brother, my brothers are going to have it golf. I go, dude, this guy is juicing his frigging arms and his back. I mean, he's a big guy to begin with, but again, just a theory that me and six other people did put out there. And I think he's off the juice now and he can't golf the same way baseball players, you know, like Sammy Sosa got off the juice. He couldn't play baseball anymore. Again, just the theory, but I find it hard to believe that. I know he went through all that shit with his wife, but would it permanently damage his fucking golf playing?

I mean, she smashed him in the mouth. She didn't break his fucking hands. This guy is just another golfer. That might be exaggerating a little bit. He won like four times on the tour last year but i mean this guy hasn't won a major what since 2008 or whatever i don't know that he's gonna catch nicholas i don't know but rory mackleroy another guy who went through just went through an ugly breakup and it didn't hurt him put his nose to the grindstone. And by the way, his ex is a good-looking blonde tennis player.

I forget her last name. It's like Polish. First name's Caroline, I think. But she won this weekend, too. But anyways, when he's on, this guy's frightening. I mean, and then Sergio Garcia, again, shoots like, you know, 66 final row. He can't close the deal, Sergio.

What a way to make a living, though, out of all the sports, folks. Think about it. Come on. Doing what people do when they retire, when rich people retire. These guys do it for a living. If you're good at it, I mean, it's amazing. If you're one of those guys, you know, a tweener,

you're not on the, you don't make the pro circuit, and I'm sure it, you don't make the pro circuit. And I'm sure it's a bitch living out of your van. But McElroy wins. And the old man scores big. Good for him. What else did I want to talk to you about? I was looking at some old clips.

My wife is converting all this shit that I've done over my career to digital. There was some Grace on the Fire. Again, VHS. I can't play for a friggin' oldie. But I lived in L.A. from 95 to 99. Moving out there on my own. I think I mentioned this before. I had done like three Arsenials

within like a six month span or whatever, 10 month span. And I thought I was going to be the shit. And I had other things going on. The show Grace on the Fire. I don't know if you remember it. Brett Butler was the host. She was a southern woman.

Funny as all hell. I've mentioned her on the podcast before. I mean, just brilliantly. I mean, her IQ was like through the roof. And a little bit crazy. She was really funny. I saw her disintegrate a couple of guys at Stand Up New York one night in the audience who made the mistake of fucking heckling her.

And she's as mean as a fucking rabid pit bull. She just disintegrated them. But she had the same managers as I did. And I remember running into them one night in the village. I had just done a set at the Cellar. I was heading to Boston Comedy Club. They were coming out of Boston Comedy Club. And David and Christine Martin, they were from australia married couple like them very much

they said uh brett oh brett's life's never gonna be the same after what just happened in there and i'm like what are they talking sure enough christ sake like a week later a week later like she's um she's in the trades abc signs for a huge deal. And just, yeah, show called Grace on the Fire. And it was beating Seinfeld. I mean, it was like the number one show for a few years. And Brett liked her. It's all public what I'm saying here, but she liked the prescription drugs. And it kind of caught up to her on the end.

But I'm glad I did it because it gave me a taste of that sitcom world and uh just enough to know that i don't know i don't think i could ever carry one of those shows um and it's again it's not as fun as doing stand-up it really nothing's better than being on a stage in front of a live audience um but the money the money's crazy um and being on the set it was all a great learning experience you know it's just uh and it was really interesting because she was uh you know always at odds with the writers and shit first thing she did was she cleaned house when she when uh when she got the the gig and um the network hired the showrunner and stuff and then she came in and just fucking butted heads with everybody i think and cleaned

house and put her own people in there and she was smart because it turned out to be like a number one show for a couple years and it stayed on the air for a long time seven eight seasons i think um and she made a ton of money but i was there when it all went down, when she had her meltdown. Um, and, uh, but just being on the set and I was so frigging nervous because I hadn't done any of that. I had never really been on a sitcom set and shit. And I was frigging nervous. I hadn't done any acting other than a few, you know, probably a year of acting lessons in New York. uh and i you know i took those classes to meet the broads that's what i was told yeah i met some broads they look like uh candace manheim whatever that broad was remember she looked like a nose tackle for the jets um

so yeah i was out there and moved out there because my manager said hey brett want you on the show but i go out there and uh i still had to audition but you know the fix was in that's when i realized oh my god how many auditions have i gone on you know after that because after that that was over pretty quick for me after that you, you know, I continued. I lived out there four years, went on a bunch of auditions, and you get a call back, and it's just exciting. You get a call. You get a message home. They want to see you again and again.

Sometimes you go three, four times. But I sort of knew that I was going to get this thing on Grace on the Fire, so it kind of made me think, what is this, a rig game? How many auditions have I gone on since? Not too many in the last few years have gone on, but when I lived in L.A. after Grace on the Fire, where the fix was in, I don't know. But, yeah, it was shit in my pants.

It's just nerve-wracking. It's not, you know, they give you a few lines but everybody else on the set you you recognize them a lot of my character actors you've seen them on tv before and you're like what am i doing here and god bless brett brett was a perfectionist she'd get the script and what they do they leave the script at your house every night you do it like on monday you do a table a read-through at the table with everybody of the first draft and then from that point on They keep writing and rewriting and every night Like I'd wake up the next morning in my apartment in West Hollywood and there'd be a script at the door a different color

First it was green then it was yellow then it was and then you'd have to you know Read the whole thing is they made all kinds of changes and shit And sometimes you'd be excited because you got a bunch of lines and you're like oh they fucking took half my shit out and and and brett would just rewrite shit this is the thing so yeah so you rehearse like tuesday wednesday and thursday they do what they call blocking which is um you know you're delivering a line let's say you're walking in the scene you're walking through an office you have to deliver your line when you get to this point here right next to the desk next to these two it's you know it's mostly common sense but when you haven't done that shit it feels so and you come from a stand-up background what's just the opposite you

have all this autonomy where you can shoot off your mouth. You write a producer and director of your own show. Now you're being coached on where to stand when you deliver your line. And I hadn't done any of it, and I was really stiff. And they come up to me on, like, I think Wednesday night. The guy, like, puts his arm around me and goes, hey, you all right? You know, I didn't think it was noticeable. He goes, yeah, you seem a little, maybe a little uptight. I'm like, yeah, what the fuck?

I haven't done any of this before. And then, but yeah, so it's really odd. I mean, I was so nervous I wouldn't stray away. Even when I was done with rehearsal, with my scenes, I'd sit up on the bleachers and watch everybody else just hoping I could learn something. And Brett was just so good. I mean, you really do take it for granted,

these people like Kelsey Grammer, that are Gandolfini and the Sopranos, they're in every scene, and they have pages and pages of dialogue. At least so with comedy, at least in Brett's case, you know, they let her write half of her own stuff. She would just, right in the middle of a rehearsal, she'd go, who wrote that?

And just change it to something 12 times funnier she would add lib shit like eight different times and they'd let her do it because um they knew she was that talented and stuff but um i was there when it finally crashed you know it was like season five or six i did like a half a season and she was having troubles with the with abc and the writers she hated the writers and was fighting with them and and then she was all messed up i might have told us in an earlier podcast and um on on like friday you tape the shows you do two tapings in front of live audiences one is it like i don't know one is it seven and one is it like 9 30 in front of live audiences and it was like one night it was

like 9 30 and she hadn't come out of her trailer for the first taping they had to send the audience home with some shit oh my god it was unbelievable to see that to see that type of power struggle because she was making the network zillions of dollars. So they would put up with all kinds of shit that they wouldn't put up with from somebody else. You know? But she was that good. And then, yeah, so they sent like the first audience home and then finally they started the second tape

and they were like 10.30 or whatever. And Brett came out and like it was a scene in an advertisement. It was a scene in an office. And she came out with a it was a scene in an advertise. It was a scene in an office. And she came out with a see-through shirt on. A see-through shirt. I mean, you could see her tits and everything. She had a boob job and was very proud of it. She got in trouble, too.

I guess she, one of the young kids, somebody tried to sue her saying he she grabbed a young kid's face and shoved his face and just you know kidding around whatever it was like uh you know female sexual harassment but uh yeah she comes out in the scene and she got a shirt on that you can see through and i'm up i'm up in the bleachers watching this and just laughing my balls off and uh of course they all start yelling that's it brent we can't do this director wanted to quit right there or whatever so then she goes in okay i will i'll go change she goes back in the wardrobe for like another 40 minutes comes out and she's wearing a winter like a like a winter coat for a scene in an advertising agency. Who didn't go with the scene at all.

Oh my goodness. I got the witness and all. She used to come out. And she would. And again you couldn't get away with this. If you weren't that talented. And making the money. She came out though one time.

After reading the script. And she called all of us around. And she started like a football coach. She started chewing everybody out. I know she wasn't happy with the rehearsal, the writing. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba. And it went on for like 10 minutes.

And when she was done, I went like this. And even I second-guessed myself. But at the last second, when she finished her rant, I go, and we're out. Because that's what they say at the end of a scene. You know, and we're out. Because that's what they say at the end of a scene, you know, and we're out. So I said that, and she comes walking by me and gives me a fucking elbow in the chest. If it was anybody else, she would have knocked him out or, you know, fight him on the spot. But, you know, we had the same manages and we were friends.

So she just gave me like a smirk. But the air went out of the room when I said it. I go, and we're out. And you could see people turn pale on the set. Who are regulars on the show? They're like, who's this smart ass? I don't think they knew the relationship me and Brett had. I could have watched her all day, though.

She's the most talented female comic I have ever seen. And, you know, as funny as any guy. You never hear me say that. But she would add lip shit during that script. She would make stuff up in between takes that each one was funnier than the next. And I'm like, God damn the chops she has. She could really write, but the whole L.A. experience. So anyways, that ended with a couple days later,

she threw a can of Coke, a can of soda at one of the writer's heads, and that was that. And it cost her a lot of syndication money, I guess. She was very close to 100 episodes i think but uh yeah i just didn't uh i guess it's great if you're making sick money and you're the lead but that that uh that whole sitting around in your trailer for hours and you come out and do your scene and uh then i'd go to the comedy store at night after all that. And it was quite an experience at L.A. The comedy store is so depressing, man.

I think I talked about it too, how nothing's changed in there since like Richard Pryor was a star. Just going, everything's painted black and just depressing. And this is something called the belly room and the original room and then there's a the original one was the one the medium-sized room then there was a big room on the weekends that um it was kind of a crazy setup because if you performed in the big room on the weekends let's say um eddie mur Murphy or somebody came in or, you know, a famous comic, whoever, was headlining,

you would get a cut of their money at the door. That's kind of weird. But Mitzi loved me. Mitzi Shore, Pauly's mother, loved me and used to give me these ideal spots and I hated her club. I liked it for the first few months but just the audience is just i don't know and uh sometimes i wouldn't even show up and then i get a

message on my hands machine of her yelling uh somebody she goes you didn't come to the 10 30 and and i'm thinking she's gonna like ban me from the club or no this week we're giving you a 9 40 and you better be there it was it was pretty awesome to have a run of the place. Martin Lawrence would come in a lot. I got to meet Martin and he was a cool dude, man. He watched me and came backstage. He's a funny son of a gun. I went on after Richard Pryor when Richard near the end

when he's in a wheelchair, but I just didn't, the whole scene, man. I went out there by myself in like 92. That's when I told you I blew off my girlfriend in New Hampshire

and lived on Venice Beach and didn't know anybody. If I didn't commit suicide that year, I never will. It was the most horrible experience of my life. That is a lonely place, even when you know people. Then I came back to New York after a year or two.

And then went back out. That's when the whole Brett Butler stuff happened. And my wife, she wasn't my wife then. She was my girlfriend. I had just met Andy, followed me out to L.A. And I'm like, look, man, I'm doing my own thing. I was so glad when she came out because I didn't know anybody. Actually, Colin Quinn was out there living with a guy named Mike Reynolds. That's another whole story.

It looked like a haunted house. I rented an apartment right next to that house, Mike Reynolds' house on Doheny Boulevard. And there was a guy upstairs who was, he was in the show Sajak, Telly Savalas' Detective in the 70s. Big hit show. He played his sidekick or whatever. He was on the couple floors above me

and he was a photographer. He did my headshots. Matter of fact, if you go to the Comedy Cellar, the head cellar the headshot on the wall down it's in black and white that was taken on the roof of apartment building in doheny i go into this guy's apartment he's got pictures of young young pictures of um all these famous people now michelle pfeiffer and uh just all these people were famous and like michelle pfeiffer when she was like 21 when she

first got out there all these hot i mean smoking i can't name some of these you know heather locklear i don't know just but i'm like what the fuck and he was like a good looking older italian guy and i'm like what the fuck why do they all come to him you know and uh he did my shots he gave me i gave him like 100 bucks 75 dollars he gave me like five rolls of pictures and uh he was just a character and then i move out of there and then i hear from somebody somebody that i knew in the building said yeah he getting busted for running prostitutes out of his apartment uh but uh i didn't i didn't despise L.A. like some people do, but like I said, I'm glad my wife came out because we would take off every other weekend

for like Santa Barbara or San Diego. Mostly we went north and drove up the PCH on 4th of July. We went from L.A. to San Francisco. That was the most awesome trip of my life. But so some of, I like, I like California, everything about the state of California,

except Los Angeles, which is not a good thing when you're in show business. If you want to call it, I'm doing show business as I do a fake radio show in my basement. But yeah, Los Angeles, that's what I should have called this episode. But I called it Putin.

I don't know why. What else did I want to talk about L.A. wise? Oh, the first time I went out there, before I knew the wife, I had to move back. Don't you think that adds to the show? I fucking hate emails, by the way. I don't even want to look at that. It's probably the festival going.

You can't say tits on Canadian national TV. Could you change it to hold organic breaths? Jesus, I think the Lyme disease is getting me. I got no memory. I'm very listless. What was I talking about? Los Angeles. Oh, yeah.

Anyways. A girl came to get by my bed when I lived in Venice Beach. I'll finish that story on the next podcast. But, you know, what a horrible apartment complex that was. Like a block from the beach. I hit a homeless guy on a bike in my car. I told you that.

But that was just so miserable. I remember on a Sunday morning, I'm walking down the sidewalk, and my buddy Evan Grant lived in the building, and he's the one who saved my life. It was like swingers. I thought he kept dragging me out to clubs when I had broken up with my girlfriend back east and wasn't eating for months. And I remember walking down the sidewalk.

It's like 98 degrees it's a horrible hazy day and he's coming out of the uh garage of the building that i lived in and i look up i'm gonna say hi i step in shit dog shit i mean a fucking pile of it up top of the mid mid ankle and he started laughing and i go's it. I am out of this fucking miserable city forever. And literally the next Monday, I started making phone calls to sell my shit and blah, blah, blah. It couldn't have been two weeks later I was gone back to New York. I don't know. I'm sure it's like any place else if you're uh you know steve carell and living in la it's everything's great and he tell you it's fucking awesome or louis but uh it was a

horrible place to live and fly out of just to do comedy around the country i'll tell you that much but uh it's it's a creepy place out there you feel like you can get knifed anywhere didn't like the comedy scene the improv there was no comedy there's no way to hang out like the comedy cellar and uh yeah there's always an asian a table of asian people hissing me when i used to play at uh the laugh factory or whatever and there was guys, Black Comics, of course, at the Comedy Cellar that wouldn't get off. You're supposed to do 20 minutes. They'd do like 38, 40. Nobody would say shit.

Oh, mama mia. I stuck it out, though. Went on a bunch of auditions. I told you, every audition I went on, it was always me and the same six Italian guys. Ed Marinaro was the guy I went up against like four different times. When you get called back like three or four times, eventually the final one, they call it going to network.

That's when you go in front of the suits. By the way, that was part of the process in the Gray Center Fire and the sitcom thing. All the suits would come down on Thursday afternoon and watch like a dry run, a dress rehearsal with no audience. So just picture that. You got like the suits at NBC, ABC, a hit show. That's why I was shitting my pants.

And then they come down with their, you know, and they would sit in like director's chairs and watch the scene. And just, you know, then make notes to be scribbling down stuff nervously. And it was just a process I didn't like. But like I said, if it's your own show or you're, you know, cram of the wacky neighbor, it's got to be the balls when you're in that town. Because there's so many shallow whores that would just blow any guy that they saw in a god damn in a root beer commercial anyways that's it kids um come see me august 2nd if you're not in montreal this weekend 24 25 and 26 i'm up there i told you that but august 2nd the ridgefield playhouse ridgefield connecticut

that's going to be awesome or the improv inrov in Atlanta, which is August 21, 22, and 23. Or the Main Street Armory, Rochester, on the 29th of August. All right? So that's August 2nd, 21 through 23, and August 29. That's what I'm doing this month. Go to nickdip.com, and you can stay up to date. All right. Until then,

I will talk to you real soon. Watch some Dirty Houses. Good night until we meet again. Adios. guitar solo Bye.