The Nick DiPaolo Show - 040 - Finger Me Elmo

Episode Date: July 29, 2014

Finger Me Elmo

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello kids, how you with? How you with? Nick DiPaolo Fresh back from Montréal Look at that in a few minutes What's happening? Since we last spoke? Real important stories in the news today, I'll tell you. This is a headline, one of them on the internet.

Fist bumps are less germy than handshakes. Well, it might be true most of the time, but, you know, you're fist bumping a porn star. You know. At a party in Vegas. Some fellow who just had. You know. His arm up to his elbow.

And some broads. Dirty hole. Either one. Pick one. And you give that guy a fist bumping. Are you kidding me? Looks like a bunch of. You know. M&M's melted in your hand. that guy a fist bumping. Are you kidding me? Looks like a bunch of, you know,

M&Ms melted in your hand. Imagine that's a story they actually took time. The American Journal of Infection Control. A nice firm handshake has long been a mark of good manners and elevated social skills. A nice firm handshake has long been a mark of good manners and elevated social skills. But a short, sweet fist bump will transmit the least bacteria. No shit. A high five's even better than a traditional handshake.

Yeah, that's good. Someday I might, you know, meet the president and he puts his hand out and I, you know, high-five him. Right in the face I'd like to high-five him. Right in the forehead. Dick. I'll get to him in a few minutes. I'm sure he means well. I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. A handshake transmits ten times more bacteria than the fist bumps or two times more than a high five. They actually dipped gloves in, actually they dipped some guy's hand in bacteria and that's how they did the test. I wonder where that bacteria came from. After a weekend with Kim Kardashian, we had this guy high-five ten people and eight of them died. So, um... That's a little tip for you. A tip of the day, fist, fist bump,

of course, the Obamas are known for the fist bump, they probably had this story, uh, put in the, put in the paper today, as a distraction to the fucking shit he's doing to this country. Anyway, what else? Just back from Montreal. I was up there, as you recall, 12 days ago doing the Nasty show. We did 10 shows a couple weeks ago and we had five more to go.

And it's just not as fun as it was. I know I mentioned it on the last one. I thought PC was, I mean, I knew it was kind of a universal thing, but I thought we'd led the world in PC, especially Manhattan,

doing comedy in Manhattan. But goodness gracious montreal people i mean canadians are polite to begin with so you know i mean so now that they've been contaminated with this horseshit way of thinking that words are actually you know more powerful than actions boy have they been poisoned with it like i said then add on that layer of politeness to begin with. But when I did it years ago, man, they couldn't get enough. You couldn't say anything that would bum them out, really. Now it's like, holy shit, you do a homeless joke,

and they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. By the way, Montreal is filled with white homeless people. I'll never understand that. Don't you hate the homeless people that just sit there with their hand out? They don't even do anything. I'm like, no, fucking dance. Do a couple monkey rolls. Walk on your hands.

Do some front handsprings down the sidewalk, and I'll give you a Canadian nickel. These guys just sit there with their fucking hand out. Guy's literally laying there on a sidewalk in an alley in his own shit. His pants are down to about mid-thigh. His teeth are all black. I can see lice in his hair. And he looks up at me and goes, what, are you better than me? Why?

Why, now that you ask, yeah. As a matter of fact, I am. Well, it could happen to you. It can happen to anybody. No, it can't really. No. You've got to make choices in life. I paid attention in high school, okay? It couldn't happen to me. You know, it could happen to anybody. No, it can't really. No. You got to make choices in life. I paid attention in high school, okay?

Couldn't happen to me, so shut up. Cock-a-doodie head. So, yeah, Montreal. Ron White, who I like. You know, Ron White from, you know, the Blue Collar guys, who's a funny son of a gun. He's been around. He's a comedy vet.

He came in and did a couple of sets, which, you know, I'm closing the show, so that's always good. But I actually like Ron, so, I mean, he's a funny guy to hang out with, though. So it ended up being like seven people on the show. And Will Silvins, who was the only black fella on the on the nasty show he had to do something with the waynes brothers so he wasn't here for this this stage of the uh he was replaced by ralphie may who another guy who i like likable kid ralphie i worry about his health i joked about it at the table you know um but um he rocked with a lot of filthy stuff um so it was a different show but it was you know it was all right but again and i don't mean to blame the broads for everything but we all know the political correctness that's based in sensitivity i just got to believe if the room was 80 guys which it's not it's 80 broads i swear to god that's who go to comedy

clubs or comedy shows because they're the responsible ones they make the reservations you know it's not the guys on wednesday night thinking ahead of time oh i'll take diane to the funny bone it's the you know chicks so you look on the audience you'll see you'll see whole tables of women you don't see like that a whole tables of guys it's usually dates but i gotta believe if it was you know even 70 guys we're not gonna moan because we're not known for our sensitivity we don't give a shit you know this is global it's been feminized by this softness. And right in the middle of one of my sets, I wasn't having that good a set. I go, yeah, you know, I heard Jean Beliveau takes it in the ass. He's like a hockey god up there.

It's like, you know, shitting on Muhammad Ali if you're in Kentucky or something. And they didn't like Matt. So it was kind of long. Saturday night, three shows. 7, 9, 30, and midnight. So I guess I went on about 1.30, 20 at 2 on Saturday, the last night. you know and uh actually the last couple shows are pretty good surprisingly so but it just wasn't as fun i

gotta be honest it just wasn't as fun people used to you'd think it would work the other way around people would as political correctness gets worse they would you know welcome with open arms off colored horseshit but uh this so it's in their dna and like i said it's younger people that come out and this is the only world they know they have nothing to compare it to so they really are shocked if you do anything racial or gender wise uh women are off limits women i guess it's it's it's universal you can't make fun of them in any country you can't even hint but anything i did that was a little bit anti-women or whatever you know oh i did a tv taping up there for canadian tv and everybody's kind of doing this like super clean, squeaky TV stuff.

And I was told that it's not like that. It's kind of like they're, you know, it's almost like a cable. You can get away with pretty much anything, they said, on the network that we were taping for. So I went out there and did a lighter version of my nasty stuff. Talking about, you know, I saw a homeless woman with nice tits and if you see a homeless woman with nice tits one thing's for sure they're real i mean how many pepsi cans would take to pay for a pair of fake tits you're sucking on a pair of double d's you're like these are perfect you must really love ginger ale

and then and the crowd was like i mean the first the first 30 seconds of that TV taping to a minute and a half, I was like, am I getting punked here? They were like fucking appalled. But you know me, it just spurs me on. So I went on to my bit about, my wife said to me, what's your obsession with tits?

And I said, well, I don't know, maybe it's because somebody stuck one in my mouth when i was 10 seconds old and it fed me a delicious meal you think that might fuck with a young kid's mind for the next 50 or 60 years you know i'm no freud but uh i'm pretty sure that's why even today when i see something bigger than an a cup i start drooling like somebody with a brain stem injury. And my wife's like, well, that's not true. Girls are breastfed. We're not obsessed with tits.

And I'm like, well, no, you're not obsessed with tits. The implant industry did, what, $100 billion last year? I'm sure that was all trannies ordering those fake tits. And no, girls, you're not obsessed with tits. You only pay a doctor, what, 10 grand to knock you out and cut you open like a Chilean sea bass and stick two Ziploc bags filled with saline and margarita mix into your chest cavity so you can beat Jenny at the wet t-shirt contest on Thursday. But no, I'm the one with the unhealthy attitude towards tits.

This is the bit I was doing for TV. And I go, would my wife be more, would she be happier if I was obsessed with the penis? You know, sorry my dad didn't walk around pantless while I was teething. And they were like, okay, it was more like three minutes where I was getting silence. I don't know. I got them in the end. But I just, I feel like I'm living in parallel universe here. I don't believe people can come out to a comedy club and even a taping, even a TV taping and be like, oh, my God, I can't believe.

And again, I looked down at these sweet, sweet, fresh-faced girls. Actually, the younger ones, the younger chicks were laughing near the end, you know. But mamma mia, papadilla, baby has a diarrhea. Okay. Mamma mia. Papa dia. Baby has a diarrhea. Okay.

And once again, Delta came through for me. They were an hour, hour and a half late for no reason. Apparently, there were fucking three raindrops seen in Atlanta. And that threw off the whole schedule. When did that happen? I guess the more flights now. You know, when cities have hubs and like 90% of the planes in the air coming out of one city, if they have a little bit of delay, it's a domino effect. But I don't remember that being like that.

But I guess it's because of the crowded sky. I don't know. Or maybe it's because the crews show up late a lot of the times, especially coming out of Atlanta. So, yeah, about 90 minutes late taking off. And, you know, they give you that fucking half-hearted apology. I swear to God, Malaysia Airlines has a better on-time record the last month than Delta. Suck bags. And they're pissy, too.

Do you mind if I get another bag of goldfish? A girl rolls her eyes like I asked her to make me pot roast. You fat-ankled bitch. Get me the fucking chips. And there's a guy in a plane on the way home sitting next to me. And by the way, I had first class, which I always do. You know, I have the points. My wife spends $800,000 at the mall. That means I get to sit with an extra six inches of leg room in first class. But it's always a regional jet i fly you know because i don't

fly all the way to la anymore um and you know first class and a regional jet means nothing i'm looking i'm like the last row and what they call first class it's just a little divider like a piece of friggin you know poster board somebody put up behind me and the row behind me, the first row and coach, they have like three feet of leg room. It's like two kids playing hockey with the leg room they have there. And I'm sitting there like a crunched up like a fetus. And I'm looking at my iPad, you know, I'm typing down some notes and shit for some bits. And this guy across the aisle from me kind of really gay looking and uh i i could feel him like looking over and i'm like this motherfucker better not be looking at my notes and i kept ignoring but i finally turned real quick and sure enough he's

almost straining his neck to look at my shit and then you know and so he looked straight ahead and and then so i figured that would open that and then like five minutes later i can feel him again and so i look at him and i go can i help you and he almost shit his pants no no no no no i was just uh he said something i think he's trying to look out the window that was uh on my side some really stupid excuse that really bugged me mind your business maybe he's seen my work and go maybe he's probably that's nick to paulo he's probably writing an anti-gay bit which i'm not you know i'm not anti-gay i'm just saying how this stuff gets started. What else do we do in Montreal? Opie and Anthony. Well, I should say Opie and Jimmy Norton did radio.

We did radio on like Thursday morning. Was Thursday or Friday? I can't remember what it was. But I was awake because I wake up, you know, I have that problem. And it was kind of great because everybody was down there. I went down. Then Attell came in. Billy Burr came in.

There was actually too many comics. It's so funny. Comics are so funny, man. Marin was sitting there next to me. Of course, he kept leaning forward, blocking my view of the other comics. And I know he was doing it intentionally because that's how he is. And he was a prick to me a couple times. But I know Marin for a long time so i'm

like whatever you know that's how he makes his living the insecure fella um but at some point in the conversation something came up about well not everybody here up on the panel has a show and marin looks at me with a big smile even the audience is like and then he said i was irrelevant in the hallway. Which, again, years ago, you know, when I first came up, I would have grabbed him by his throat. But I've known him forever, and that's Marin being Marin. But you could tell he felt bad,

because he ran into me at breakfast like the last day and wanted to be nice to me. And I fucking hit him with a Denver omelet. No, I didn't. But it's so funny. Comics are just so douchey. They pretend to be nice. That was fun. Bob Kelly was sitting up there with Jimmy and Opie. And Judy Gould came in. And who the hell else? It was really packed out a tell like i said um so it was fun it's a fun panel oh and uh here's the thing after like friday night show saturday morning you know i drank like a fish by the way friday night just went to the bar he's bored with the whole thing. And had three or four Jack Daniels before the show,

before the nasty show, just to get me primed. And anyways, I go to bed. Phone rings at 4.04 in the morning. And I'm like, what if I pick it up and I hear like a, you know when they put you on hold, you hear a recording for the hotel. Hey, we have a delicious restaurant downstairs. And I'm trying the Canadian nipples.

And so I'm like, what the fuck? I just hang up the phone again. So it wakes me up at 4 or 4 in the frigging morning. I finally fall back asleep like an hour later. Phone rings again at like 10 or 7. Pick it up again. Try our crab legs at the hotel, the Hyatt restaurant downstairs.

Faces loud. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I hang it up again. Like an idiot, I should have called the front desk and said, do not disturb on the phone. But I'm like, first I was thinking somebody was pranking me. Maybe I pissed off somebody. This is how paranoid I am.

Did I piss somebody off at the bar, at the hotel? You know? That maybe that bartender when i split on the third jack daniels without paying because they were charging me 22 for a double shot um so i was i was like somebody's fucking pranking me so i hang you know hanging up again and then at 8 3030 in the morning, again, the phone rings and this time I don't hear anything. It's just dead silence. So I'm like, no, I'm like, somebody is fucking with me. Maybe it's somebody that was at the nasty show.

They know we all stay at the Hyatt. Maybe somehow, you know what I mean? I don't stay under a fake name like I used to. I used to stay under the name Ginger Rogers. And so three times. And, you know, I get three shows that night. So I need my fucking sleep. So finally, you know, after that one, I called the front desk.

I said, put on the do not disturb sign. And they're like, sure. I explained the whole situation and slept a couple more hours. And then around 1.30 in the afternoon, I took the Do Not Disturb sign off to see if anybody was still fucking me. Sure enough, I start to nod off to take my nap around 3.30. The goddamn thing rings again, and it's that recording again. So I called down, and they put a chick on the line. And she was really great.

I talked to her. I explained the whole situation. And she was laughing about my paranoia. I go, is somebody fucking with me? I mean, check the room service. Maybe I didn't tip the guy. Is somebody fucking? She's laughing, and she called one of her tech guys,

but he wasn't available to fix it. And then she says, this happened a year ago. If I remember, she says, I think the phone line's across. I go, lucky me. A year? This exact room, apparently? I think the phone lines across. I go, lucky me. A year. This exact room. Apparently, you know, I found that hard to believe. But fuck.

Just as I start nodding off for a nap again, it happens again. So, yeah, it happened two more times in the afternoon. And put the do not disturb back on. What are the freaking odds? I'm so paranoid, though. I'm always like, oh, maybe I pissed, you know, whoever off. I mean, I'm assuming she's I'm always like Oh maybe I pissed You know whoever Off I mean I'm assuming she's right

Who knows I still might be right Maybe somebody was Fucking with me How do the lines cross All of a sudden I don't get that But

It's a pain in the ass Going up there I'm not The whole customs It's so funny man You're going through I have to have a letter You have to have a letter From the festival And another piece of paper Showing you're up there. I'm not, you know, the whole customs. It's so funny, man. You're going through customs. I have to have a letter. You have to have a letter

from the festival and another piece of paper showing you're up there to work and they question you. Meanwhile, you know, cut to our border. Eight-month-old baby crawling over, you know,

with two prostitutes and they go, oh, get him a hotmail and let's find him a house in Albany. I'm handing the Canadian border guy a stool sample. How long you gonna be up there?

What you do? Why you come to Montreal? I'm here to work. And then when you tell him you're a comedian. One time, like my third fat's for the guys, tell me a joke. And I'm like, two chimps walk into a bar

and they bumfuck Yvonne Conway. Good night, everybody. That's not funny. I like to send you in the back room to talk to my boss. They're real pricks, though. They take it so they think they're like frigging Russians. It's crazy. Oh, and this is the last time I'll do this, by the way.

If you do the e-boarding pass, you know, I've been doing it for a year or so. You know, you get the boarding pass on your phone, but it's a little more complicated when you're traveling, I guess, you know, internationally or whatever. I don't know. But the goddamn thing, I take like a screen grab of,

you know, I had my wife text me the boarding pass link and click on it, whatever, and then I did a screen grab of, you know, I had my wife text me the boarding pass link and click on it or whatever. And then I did a screen grab of it. That way I don't have to go on Wi-Fi. You know, when you're in the airport, you got to go on Wi-Fi so you can access your boarding pass. I'm sure there's some way around and I don't want to fucking hear about it. But so, yeah. So I, you know, just use like a screen grab of my boarding pass, and the first two guys

don't have a problem with it, and then the third guy, well, this is not the actual, I need the actual boarding pass, I go, come on, I don't, I said, I don't know what I'm doing here, I mean, really, and then he was nice about it, he went over and talked to some, his superior about it, and they, but listen to this. So then I have to go to another guy. No, the second guy. I had the boarding pass on my phone, and then the screen goes black, right? And then I go to my photos,

because that's where it is, like I said, right? And I'm flipping through it, and there it is again, but I flipped one photo too many. I hand the equivalent of a TSA guy in Montreal my phone. And I see him. He starts laughing. He goes, what the hell is this? He hands it back to me.

It's a picture of me. I was trying to make my wife laugh. I'm in my bathrobe with it open. I wasn't completely naked. I had like underwear. But I had like a I had a giant A pork chop in my mouth I was trying to like

Make my wife The TSA guy Starts laughing He goes what is this How fucking embarrassing And so then I couldn't find The goddamn It disappeared

The boarding pass thing And then it came back And then he let me go To the next guy I had to go It's like three or four guys But that's the last time I do that With the whole phone thing And then it came back, and then he let me go to the next guy. I had to go, you know, it's like three or four guys. But that's the last time I do that with the whole phone thing.

And then, oh, another, I was at that, they had a Comedy Central, had a big party with free booze and stuff like on Thursday night. So I'm walking around the bar there, and this smoking girl comes up to me, right? She ended up being 19. Comes up to me. I had noticed her. I walked around. She comes up to me and goes, I'm a huge fan.

And shakes my hand. Gives me this smile, okay? All of a sudden, she goes, I hear a belly laugh about 20 feet behind her. It's my old manager, Rick Dorfman. He goes, that's my fucking daughter. He sent her over and pranked me. He saw my face go from big smiley to almost crying. It was like a doctor told me I had cancer. Not that I would have done anything.

I'm a married fella. You know, I don't do that shit. But I'm just saying, Dorf know, I don't do that shit. But I'm just saying, Dorfman, my ex-manager's nine-year-old daughter, and she looks like a goddamn model. Usually, this is what I get now. This is because I'm so old.

I've told you this. I think I've told you this before. A lot of times, I get a young girl in her 20s comes up to me and goes, hot broad, and I'm like, yeah, here we go. And they'll go,

my parents love you. Ugh. This is even worse, though. His daughter. She's actually been to my house when she was like 11 or 12. She's been to a cookout. She was laughing her ass off. Stunning.

Stunning. Stunning. So I'm going to call Dorfman tomorrow and go, hey, I just jerked off to your daughter.

Payback is a bitch, isn't it? Thank you for giving me that mental picture. She goes to the University of Delaware, by the way. I can't believe

she's just like, just making her cheeseburger a few years ago. But, she goes to the University of Delaware, and I bring that up because I read in the paper today, I should show Dorfman this, that somebody put a hidden camera in the girls' room. Hundreds of women, this is in the post,

may have been secretly videotaped from cameras found in the bathrooms at the University of Delaware. Hey, Rick, I hope your daughter was in there taking a big dump. I hope she was just sitting there letting it fly in somebody's gutter and it goes viral. What do you think of that? No, I wouldn't want that for Alexa. She's too cute. But, yeah.

Authorities announced July 1st arrest of 38-year-old Javier Mendio Soto. Aren't there any Bob Johnsons doing perverted shit? Or Tom Thomases? 38-year-old University of Delaware graduate student. After cameras were found hidden in women's restrooms on campus. Suspect couldn't be immediately located. No, no shit.

You know, I'd make fun of the guy, but I remember back at the University of Maine, I may or may not have ever told you guys this, when I belonged to Sigma Nu, we had the best parties on campus,

and my buddy Danny's room, there was a bathroom adjacent to his room. I come home from class one day on a Friday. We're going to have a party the next night. The whole campus knows about it. And that was a bathroom that we let the girls use all the time. I come home, and it's like five guys in Danny's room.

And I hear a drill going in the closet. He's in there drilling a hole through the wall. He goes, look through there. I look through there, and it's a perfect shot of the toilet. You can see into the bathroom. Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

We didn't have the high-tech cameras. We didn't have the GoPro and the, whatever the fuck it's called, the mini cameras you can hide anywhere. We had to use a drill back in my day, and we didn't complain about it. If you wanted to see a girl taking a dump, you needed a two-inch bit. So, and then I remember during the party, the line being longer going into his closet, and the actual line going at the girls.

But somebody said they saw two, like two girls peeing in the tub. There was a tub in there. They're just like us. They're really pigs, aren't they, fellas? I mean, come on. So, Dorfman, I hope your girl, I hope your daughter's not on tape

doing a pee-pee. What else in the world of sports, folks? So that was Montreal. Customs guy, too. I was a little hungover, and I had all this stuff in your hand. You have to make a copy of your passport. So then you got that.

You got the immigration card that you fill out, and I got my iPhone, and I dropped the immigration card, and the customer guy rolls his eyes at me too and i go sorry dude i'm a little hungover oh no that's okay then i go i get drunk every time i come to your country and he goes how's it my country this is uh this is us which it is and i was in canada when you're coming home you go through us customs right there and uh i go oh jeez i go see I go, see, more proof. I was drunk.

And then he tried to be nice to me. But he's a real prick. That makes two of us. But yeah, political correctness kind of ruined the festival for me. And speaking of that, another story that I read online somewhere.

Oh, yeah, the the dark bar and grill in Montauk had jokingly barred Irish drunks in a long window-posted list of forbidden people and things that included yapping, mutts, screaming kids, cell phones, and strollers. So they put a sign in a window in Montauk in a bar saying they didn't want drunken Irish drunks. Obviously, they're kidding. I mean, we know, right? In this day and age. But you think you could get away with that? No.

After a worldwide outcry by Eri as Centric. Eri. I'm trying to do my Irish prog. I can't. Centric groups. It's an Irish group. After a picture of the sign was posted online, the word Irish was replaced over the weekend

with the word sensitive. I do wonder what messages we are sending to our children. Many of you hear children invoked into something like this. You know it's a liberal broad or guy. I do wonder what messages we are sending to our children, what stereotypes we are allowing to persist to the broader population, allowing to persist to the broader population if we don't push back pauline turley vice chairman of the irish art center in new york told irishcentral.com i'd like to push you back into a pit of fucking lava you oversensitive skirt see what i'm saying it's always it's always the

female principal at a school who's upset because johnny made a gun out of his pop tart pauline turley if we don't push back like there's no pushing back like there's no politically correct groups winning this war why would you put up a sign like that knowing no one else would tolerate it why would you put up a sign like that knowing no one else would tolerate it why because everybody else would know it was a joke who had a half a fucking ounce of brains pauline bar owner george watson who is half irish the guy's half irish and put it up and his son chris said that the sign was simply done in jest. No shit.

George Watson. Okay, that's the bar owner. He was the Grand Marshal of the Montauk's 2003 St. Patrick's Day Parade. I wonder how he became the Grand Marshal. He's only half Irish. But he was the Grand Marshal of St. Patrick's Day Parade. It was an inside joke with his regulars at his bar. But once again, Pauline Turley.

Can you imagine? These people have to be put down. I'm serious. We need a cleansing. Some type of, it's not ethnic. I don't know what you call it. Anybody who, got to give them a PC test. God, they have to be put down.

Put away. They are ruining the fun in the world. Can you imagine? Thinking the bar was serious. They should, yeah, she should be punished. Somebody key her car or something. Could you? Write, you know, titless wonder on the back of her car with your key.

Then leave your name. See if she gets back to you I'm looking at a picture Of Jada in the post Jada Pinkett Smith She still looks pretty good We're abroad in the late 70s

God damn Of course she has a bat In her hand Because women are so tough What else my. What else, my friends? What else? It's nice in here. It's not too hot today. Where's my list of horseshit? This next story is a little disturbing, this next story a little disturbing i'll tell you happened right here in new york today actually i'm sure you heard about it right vest saved cop hit and shoot out that killed suspect

charles mosder so new york cop was shot today in two marshals, two federal marshals in the West Village. Okay, right around the corner from the Comedy Cellar, by the way. Right in the neighborhood. I know right what they're talking about. Charles Mosder left, was identified as a suspect in a shootout where two federal marshals wounded and a New York police officer. Bratton, who's a commissioner, said the bulletproof vest saved his life. Saved the cop's life.

Wow. They were executing a warrant. The suspect was shot and killed in an exchange of gunfire. This Mazda character was wanted for a sex assault on a child in California in 2012. Just a piece of shat. And also wanted on five counts of lewd acts

upon a child younger than 14 in a charge of attempting to keep a witness from prosecuting a crime yeah he was on like uh the hunt it's a show with uh john walsh the guy that used to do america's most wanted it's on cnn now i guess he was on there in like june of 2012 and uh so they so they hear he's in an apartment near this this place this it's like a head shop, I guess, where you buy stuff, in the village. So one of the guys goes in there and sees that he's working there, so he brings in the other two guys, the cop and the other Frederick Marshalls with him in there, and he opens

fire on them, this piece of garbage. And they return fire, smoking them. Hey, Bratton, let's diminish that stop and frisk thing. And I know what you're thinking. Well, it wouldn't have worked anyways because this guy was white. You know what I'm talking about. That's not the point. Shootings are up, what, 10% by the way from last year.

It's only going to get worse. I don't give a fuck what you say. But what a piece of garbage. You know, this guy's probably gone to the comedy cellar don't give a fuck what you say. But what a piece of garbage. This guy's probably gone to the comedy cellar. He almost looks familiar in the picture. Imagine lewd acts on somebody, on kids. Good riddance, I say. Go home and suck Satan's penis.

That's where you're headed, Bella. The detective, which was shot twice in the abdomen, the New York cop, one of the marshals was shot in the buttocks and the other in the shoulder. They're all going to survive, and the vest saved the cop's life. That's your plan?

Well, I'm wanted. I guess he knows. You know, he knows if he goes to prison, he's really going to get it. So that's what he probably had in his head. But like I said,

he's, you know, probably enjoy what goes on in prison. Surprised. So he's gone and there's nothing we can do about it. New York is just, I don't know where it's headed, man.

It's really getting creepy. It's getting like the old days, which is, I'm guessing, you know, exactly what, it's still not to that level yet, like in the 70s and 80s or whatever, but Times Square's getting really, it's getting really creepy. Do it.

Oh, sure. Okay. This is Elmo, but if you go in Times Square, you see all these, the Cookie Monster, the Woody from Toy Story. This is the song, la, la, la, la, Elmo's song. They're getting arrested for grabbing people's asses and tits and punching people who won't take pictures. La, la, la. La, la, la, la. Picture this song as, you know, Elmo tries to finger pop your niece on the corner of 48th and Broadway.

La, la, la, la. Elmo's song. Yeah. La, la, la, la. I want to grab your dirty, filthy ass. Elmo's song. He wrote the music. He's a pedophile from Ecuador who hides in a giant puppet uniform. That's great, you sick bastard.

Look at this. It was in the post today. These are the people that are getting in trouble in Times Square, which is the crossroads to the world. First of all, you had the black naked cowboy. You remember the naked cowboy? He's a big, tall, blonde guy. He's kind of famous now.

Stands in his underwear playing a guitar. I guess this is a black version, which his name is Titus Gandy. He was arrested. He's 22 for alleged cocaine possession after going to a police station to visit his Spider-Man pal. And that Spider-Man guy, by the way, you got to go on Drudge and there's a clip on Drudge. What the hell is it called? I wanted to write it down. I don't know, but it's got Spider-Man on the title or whatever. There's a video of him, Spider-Man, fighting with a NY, God damn it,

a New York City police officer. And there's actually two officers. One of them is a chick. I want you to watch how useless the female cop is in this incident where the male cop ends up almost getting beat up by this guy and the female cop is pudgy little broad, is like reaching from a distance, not even trying to help the partner.

And look, I know a lot of cops. My buddy down in Miami has been a cop for almost 30 years. And this isn't a secret, but they dread when they're assigned with a female partner. An army is only as strong as its weakest soldier. And don't give me

this shit, oh, all they need to do is fire a gun and your girl can do it. Bullshit. Watch this clip and you'll see exactly what we're talking about. I would refuse if I was a cop to be paired up with a female cop. And I'm not trying to, you know, look, I understand they're doing a dangerous job and stuff,

but when it comes to hand-to-hand combat, just watch this. It just says it all to me. And I know male cops talk about this all the time. It's like a dirty little secret. But watch it. Spider-Man fighting. Apparently, so this naked cowboy is visiting this guy.

Then you got Woody from Toy Story. Jose Vasquez, 44 years old, now by cops in January, on forceful touching and sex abuse charges involving numerous girls. It's unbelievable. We really are rotting from the inside out. It's crazy. I'm going to play from the inside out. Oh, sure. Crazy. Okay.

I'm going to play this song that makes Ed set a story. Then you get Cookie Monster. Osvaldo Quiroz Lopez, 34, posed with a two-year-old in April and then allegedly shoved the tot after his Bollywood star mom refused to pay $2 for the picture. Imagine pushing a woman, a mother, because she didn't want to pay $2 for this picture with this stupid cookie monster. Pedophile. Fuck.

Spider-Man 1. That's Philip Williams. 36 was arrested and charged with slugging a mom in February of 2013 because she refused to tip him after he took pictures with her kids he was found not guilty of assault but fined 250 bucks for harassment Spider-Man 2 Musa Rabawi oh my god even our super American superheroes you can't even pronounce the guys who are dressing up like him was arrested arrested. He's 22 years old, charged with wrapping his arm around a woman's neck and grabbing her butt as she walked to a bank.

Then you have Elmo, our buddy Elmo. Dan Sandler, he was 50 years old, was slapped with disorderly conduct charges after his alleged 2012 anti-Semitic. I remember this guy. He's actually Jewish himself, but he's ranting against Jews and terrifying tourists. He was sentenced to a year in prison in 2013 for trying to extort the Girl Scouts.

At least it wasn't a fruit cup. To think he wrote this alone. La la la, la la la, ow my ass. Don't touch me there, Elmo. Ah. Then you got Super Mario Damon Torres, 36, was accused of groping a New Jersey grandma's inner thigh

in December 2012 and turned down a plea deal requiring treatment for sex offenses. What a shithole, okay? I'm sick of hearing about how great New York City is. Why would you come here or bring your kids here on vacation, seriously? And it's only gonna get worse on a de Blasio.

Jag off. I mean, what goes on? I mean, come on. Just, we're heading back to the old days. I know. I got here in like 1990. I saw the garbage piling up. I saw the squeegee fellas, which Giuliani and Bratton took care of. Bratton, by

the way, was the commissioner under Giuliani back then. And now he came back after being in L.A. He's like Supercop, apparently. But it ain't working, fellas. You gotta do the broken windows philosophy. That's when, you know, that was Bratton's philosophy.

You stop the smaller crimes. You know, if you don't charge somebody who broke a window, and they go on to do bigger crimes. That's why all the squeegee men. When I first got here, you could be on your bike in the city at a stop sign. Somebody tried to squeegee your face, some homeless guy, and then ask for fucking money. They were everywhere.

And then Giuliani took off as they were gone. It reminded me of, like, Russia when they have the Olympics. Right before they have the Olympics, Putin, like, kills all the homeless. Only that's not with Giuliani. I don't know where they went, though. I think they're all working for the TSA now. Or Wendy's. Or both.

But it really is. I mean, what is going on? We're rotting from the inside out. Our superheroes are grabbing kids' asses and punching women. It's really a metaphor, isn't it, for where the world's headed? God help us. I guess it was really bad. Quinn was telling me, Colin, you know, he's from Brooklyn in like the 70s and 80s.

You wouldn't dare go into Times Square after midnight. It's not, I don't know if it'll ever get back to those days but you know it's already starting to head downhill under our Marxist fuck face of a man la la la grab my ass punch my

mother in the face super mario played by Damon Torres spider-man 2 by Musa Rubawi spider-man 1 Phil Super Mario, played by Damon Torres. Spider-Man 2, by Musa Rubawi. Spider-Man 1, Phil Williams. Cookie Monster, Osvaldo Quieres Lopez. Woody from Toy Story, played by Jose Vasquez.

The Apidiversity. What else is in the news, kids? I'm so disorganized here. Remind me to fist bump my wife, because she'll be coming home from the stables in a few minutes, and we don't know where that fist has been. Thank God for that horse. I was complaining how much it cost a month,

but I mean, it's very quiet around here in the afternoons. You know what I mean? She's out there playing, I don't know, Ginger Rogers,

whatever. Pick a female cowboy. Ellie Mae Clampett. And it's nice. I'm down here ruining my career um how about uh how about the ray rice situation the running back for the ravens you remember back in february of this year he was seen dragging his unconscious wife remember out of an elevator in atlantic city

we actually have the audio vote i think uh actually have the audio of what, I think, there's some audio of what went on in that elevator, actually. What's the idea? He sounds like... Get upstairs. Sit down. Yeah, this is caught on tape in the elevator. He's letting her have it, isn't he?

That's the one that knocked her out. Yeah, so anyways, they really let him have it, the NFL. They're suspending him for two games. Ooh. Folks, you know me. I'm no Gloria Allred fan. I think, you know, there's nothing

hurting this country more than modern feminism and their politically correct horseshit. To me, that's at the heart of political correctness. And, ha ha, but even I, I'm like, you have to be kidding. Two games? You know, he could find like a half million dollars. Yeah, that's a lot for a like, you have to be kidding. Two games? You know, he got fined like a half million

dollars. Yeah, that's a lot for a guy, you know, who makes, I don't know what he makes a year, probably seven, eight mil. Even if it's half that, it's a fucking drop in the bucket is the point. I mean, two games? You gotta be kidding me. NFL Senior Vice President of Labor Policy, Adolfo Birch,

strongly disagreed Monday that the league's two-game suspension of the Ravens running back for his domestic violence arrest was too light. He argued that it wasn't too light. How can you do that with a straight face?

He was on Mike and Mike and he was responding to, you know, social media criticism because it blew up on social media that it's ridiculous. You know, they get more pissed when a guy,

you get more trouble if you get caught smoking weed in the NFL or whatever. It stems from Rice's arrest after he allegedly struck then-fiancee Janae Palmer unconscious in the, you can't tell me

they don't have footage of that somewhere either. Aren't there cameras in the elevators i hope there are because every time i get in one i always look up into what i think is a camera and make silly faces and fart noises and stuff like that have i been wasting my time um ridiculous two games that's it and this is him speaking el doleful birch by the way the vice president of labor palsy listen i think if you're any player and you think that based on this decision that it's okay to go out and commit that kind of conduct i think that is something that i

would suggest to you that no player is going to go out and do that really you want to make a bet this doesn't happen again before the season's out, you numb nuts? So in terms of sending a message about what the league stands for, we've done that. We can talk about the degree of discipline. We can talk about whether or not third parties need to be involved. I would suggest to you that a third party has been involved in this matter, and that was the court that reviewed it, the prosecutor. The prosecutor that reviewed it. He's the third party. But if it is a question about what the principle of the league is and what standards we stand by, that cannot be questioned. The fuck it can't.

What are you talking about? That is such horse shit. Of course it can. You gave him two games. He fucking knocked his fiance out. We have him dragging. We have it. We have... I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. You owe my... You owe my player

an apology, Senator. You owe him an apology. I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. We have it. I think it's absolutely clear to all involved that the NFL does not condone domestic violence in any way really? and it won't be tolerated

that's what we get from this? just giving them two games? should have kicked them out of the league for a fucking year we can't do that though can we? and we all know why unbelievable and like I said

I'm no feminist lover okay? But you got to be kidding. You get four games, right? For doing, you know, performance enhancing drugs or whatever. Unbelievable. We are rotten from the inside out. It's multiple games at hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Yeah, hundreds of thousands. Big fucking deal to our multi-millionaire. Christ, Vic did prison time for killing dogs. They got me waiting in the lobby, Mike. I mean, Vic killed dogs. He did jail time. Should have done. I don't think he should have done as much time as he did, to be honest with you.

But nice message. Holy Christ, huh? When money gets involved, it's amazing the shit they get away with. It's unbelievable. And, yeah, we're a mess we're definitely a mess here and look at the headlines let's look at the headlines on Drudge and by the way those are headlines taken from all over the world

from thousands of websites about the border the shit's going down at the border and the headlines's going down at the border. And the headlines, Obama will take care of us. Next one is violent MS-13 gang recruiting at Arizona facility. Next headline, amnesty work permits. Amnesty work permits for $5 million could be ordered within weeks. Visa overstays to be excused

coyote on jet ski delivers migrants to usa in broad daylight yeah hey harry reed is the the border is secure though right you dick weed you fucking weasel i like harry reed's voice though isn't it it's really a sound of strength. He talks like this. The Koch brothers are really everything that's wrong with America. They're pumping millions of dollars into Republican coffers. Wouldn't you be scared of a guy like that with a voice like that? And I think the border's secure. I don't know what they're talking about. Meanwhile, he gets hit in the face with a fucking bean burrito.

The border is the border is secure and everybody's over exaggerating the uh the uh the violence and i i don't know what they're oh what was that that just just missed my head but it's crazy man they did an interview this guy uh, he's a House representative from Texas, Steve Stockman, did an interview with a Border Patrol guy. He's been on Border Patrol for 13 years about the recent surge of illegals. And he says the immigrants, including unaccompanied minors, are coming prepared to game the system here in America.

The minute they get there, they literally say, okay, literally, I'm sorry, Obama will take care of us. He says, I usually don't get into the political part of it. This is a guy, okay, this is Chris Cabrera, now a vice president in the National Border Patrol Council, Local 3307. He goes, I usually don't get into the political part of it, but I find it odd that their whole thing is, we are going to get amnesty when we get there where is my

permissio where is my permission to go north so i can get my medical care my schooling and all that president obama is going to take care of us and make sure we're all okay whether it's adults or the young kids one thing we consistently hear is obama will take care of us what more do you need to know unfrigging believable i don't believe what i'm witnessing i i'm i'm kind of loving it though i'm kind of fucking loving and there's a theory out there that obama's doing this you know because he's begging to get impeached by republicans because if he does that for some reason uh you know 70 of the people out there you know are against that uh against impeachment so that's exactly what he'd love because it would go against you know

how most people feel as far as impeachment goes which i can't believe i'd like to know where they get that statistic um and it would you know it would be make the republicans look like the douches that this current crop of Republicans is. He is playing them. You can say anything you want about Obama. They always talk about how great a politician Clinton was. This guy is a politician. He's not a leader. He's not a president, but this guy is a politician.

He's had the fucking right running in circles they don't know what to do he uses his race as a wedge he knows you're not going to impeach the first african-american president and he's playing it brilliantly you know he hates how this country was founded him and uh you know holder they you know they know it has a racist history and what better way to get back at this country than to open the floodgates of brown people and just let them pour in and then have you know mostly middle-class white people paying for it oh they're sticking it right up their ass and they don't know how to handle it they don't know what to do they don't want

to impeach him because it'll backfire on them right before the midterms. They can't do that. They're playing him. Obama's playing him like a fiddle, I'm telling you. It's crazy. This guy, this Border Patrol guy, Chris Cabrera, also suggests that tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors illegally entering the United States appear to have been coached on what to say when they get to the border. They actually say asylum, political asylum, or fighting in my home country.

They know these words because we can't send them home. And his fix, Cabrera says says the only way to stop the illegal flow and the child smuggling is to eliminate the entitlement mentality and uh with a return to strict border enforcement he says what needs to be done is 100 detention and 100 removal amen. Amen. Amen. It's really a joke. You know, we could stop in a second. We get zillions of dollars.

We couldn't put soldiers three deep for a thousand miles. Come on. It's creepy. It's creepy what's going on. He blames it on... Oh, this is another guy. This is a senator from Oklahoma. Eichoff.

I don't know how to pronounce his name. I think it's Eichoff. Who blames it on DACA, the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. That's a thing Obama passed. It's making... It makes it sound as if, come here, we'll take care of you and

they all believe this i talked to them individually and i speak enough spanish that i could do this all of them were programmed to say they had relatives here they're invited to come they know just what to say they're invited to come up here they're going to stay here at the same time health and human services says we're not going to send them back. So as long as they have that assurance, more are going to come. Exactly. See, there's a lot of people, and again, keep voting Democrats, stupids. Keep voting Democrats. Because that's all this is about.

It's securing future Democrats. Can you imagine? Securing. There'll be nothing left of that country. Good luck in 50 years you know you're not even gonna be around they think they're you know securing power for the next hundred years

on friggin rail man it's like a third world shithole oh it's so hard to stop it's not fair to like the people that come over here legally They get in line and do it right You know What are you gonna do

I know who we should put at the border To stop all this shit I know what would scare the hell out of these kids Coming over here Cause kids You know You know what I'm talking about Do it

Oh sure Okay coming over here because kids you know you know what I'm talking about Can you imagine? Seeing about 100 Elmo's at the border. Singing this. I mean, there's a lot of pedophiles smuggling kids over here. They're on both sides of the fence. That'll stick in your head.

I'm playing that so you guys go to bed tonight, you'll be hearing that. But that might stem the tide. Having a giant Elmo in your head. I'm playing that so you guys go to bed tonight, you'll be hearing that. But that might stem the tide. Having a giant Elmo grab your ass. Poor McAllen, Texas. Imagine being in that town or any of those border towns. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. And then what's his name?

Perry. And he puts's his name? Perry. And he puts on those Janine Garofalo glasses to try to look, I don't know, presidential. Not fooling anybody. But, you know, he puts like a thousand National Guard on the border, I guess. But they can't even do anything but administrative work. They can't arrest anybody. I mean, this is what we're talking about, people on the right. You know what I mean?

That's as tough as you can get. You should have said, fuck the... Fuck the feds. You know? And armed them. You know what I mean? Call Obama's bluff. Supposed to be able to do that. It's your state.

God, I'd hate to be living down there it must be horrendous and they take trains and you know Mexico god damn Mexico of course they're helping right they don't help us they're letting people come right up

through Mexico laughing their balls off at us but this has to happen. Every 10 or 12 years or so, there's a war. It gets rid of all the bad blood, right? But Obama's really sticking it to them, I'm telling you.

They don't know how to handle. They don't know how to handle them. He could just say to Mexico, look, stop this shit. Stop these people from coming through. You know? And they'll just look at him and laugh. And just say, right this way.

We have vans going to San Diego. Pile in, kids. You need a job. You need a roof over your head. A nice education. Right this way. We'll show you the American border. We'll take care of you. In lighter news, David Ortiz, he's this guy. And like I said, I've said it about other guys. I think when you hit more than 20 homers before the All-Star break, everybody should pee in a cup at the home run derby.

And I love Ortiz. You know I'm a big Sox fan, and Big Papi is one of my heroes. But they played the Rays this weekend, and I don't know if you know the history. It's become a much better rivalry, Red Sox-Rays than Red Sox-Yankees. Red Sox-Yankees, they hug each other and high-five at each other. The Rays and the Red Sox have hated each other since Pedro Martinez came to the Red Sox. Remember, there was a big brawl in a preseason game, spring training. But anyways, and then David Price drilled Ortiz a couple weeks ago right in the ass and one of the red socks hit one of their guys and uh you remember and ortiz said it's on

he doesn't respect price and blah blah blah well the socks went back there this week since the first time since that incident and um fucking ortiz hit like i don't know hit a couple more this weekend he hit like three in toronto and i think a couple more in tampa but um yeah he hit a three-run homer on sunday in the third inning and i mean what a blast it was and he flips the bat and it doesn't sit well with chris archer who's the race pitcher and i like this kid young kid throws smoke and uh so archer saying, I don't know what makes him think that he can showboat the way he does, and then nobody retaliates, Archer said. Nobody looks at him in a funny way or pitches him inside.

I don't know why he feels like that. Why? Because you didn't do it either. Did you drill him? And I agree with him. Because I hate it when other players do, when they flip their bat like that. mean it is showboating and i always said even with the yankees why ortiz doesn't have at least like three pitches thrown under his chin a series i mean he just he looks so comfortable in there and he says i don't know why he feels like that but obviously he feels that way

that's what david price said he feels like that, but obviously he feels that way. That's what David Price said. He feels like he's bigger than the game. When Ortiz heard of Archer's critique, he said, and Ortiz has been in the league 70 years, he called into question the pitcher's credentials at that stage of his career. He's not the right guy to be saying that. Or, you know, Ortiz would say, he ain't not the right guy to be saying that too much. He's got dos days in the league.

You know what I'm saying? That's what he said. He said he's not the right guy to be saying that. I don't think Ortiz said it. He's got two days in the league. But he also said he respects Archer's talent.

But I agree, man. And I'm just surprised that more people don't throw at Big Papi. I mean, Christ. He's an animal. Also, Madden weighed in, who I like. You know, the Rays are one of those teams. I hate them and I like them at the same time. They ripped off nine in a row, by the way.

And my Red Sox stink. They are hard to watch. Other than Ortiz, they have warning track power. Jackie Bradley Jr. is a tremendous defensive player, but he couldn't hit a bull's ass with a base fiddle. 230 hitter at best. And for crying out loud, Will Middlebrooks, the last I heard, he had a broken finger. He's been gone all season. I know he's in the minors now. I guess he's healthy.

They're not going to bring him up. And again, he wasn't, he was hitting a little over 200. So all these young guys, Bogoch looks horrendous at bat and he stinks in the field right now. I'm not saying he couldn't turn into a great player, but... Anyways.

Yeah, the Sox are like 10 and a half out. And John Lester is our ace. His contract's up. They're going to wait until the end of the season. But, you know, I'm reading these headline Sox, you know, still talking about possibly trading. That would be it.

You can't trade a guy like that. You can't trade a lefty ace because it's so hard to get a good lefty in Fenway. And he has been unbelievable this year.

He's been lights out. Boy, is he going to get paid. And I like Lester. He's nasty. He's a miserable mother. He reminds me of the third show,

a midnight show. After a few cocktails, he's just miserable. He doesn't give a shit who knows it. Anyways, kids, that's about it. Come see me, what, Saturday night, this Saturday, August 2nd, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Come on out, please. Pile in, pile, bring them, bring everybody.

Bring them all. Illegals, legal, I don't care. Underage, let's fill the place so they have me back. Because the money's good and it's a quick ride for me. And I like to do repeat business. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Go to nickdip.com for details

because I can't remember what time the shows are. I check that shit like an hour before I leave the house. And then later on in the month, August 21, 22, 23, I'm at the Improv in Atlanta. So I haven't been down there in a while. Should be fun. I like Atlanta.

Good comedy crowds down there. And the 29th of August, that's a Friday night, Main Street Armory, Rochester. Come on out to that. That's another theater. And September 25, 26, 27, Zany's on the 25th in downtown Chicago then Rosemont on the 26th

and 27th so I think that that about does it I think that's everything okay you guys been good and

I don't know I don't know I drink more wine. Reads the funny papers. Reads the funny papers. Well, I'm working on a bit that... I remember when me and Artie were doing a show

and we brought up something and I went on this little riff. I was talking about a girl blowing me... I guess we cleaned it up for terrestrial radio, but it's where it started. About a girl using her teeth while she was blowing me, and I tried to tie it into a... It was like...

It was like I felt like Quint in Jaws and getting chomped on the deck of the bus. So that's how I'm working on a bit like that. How do you get blown by a girl with plenty of eye teeth? Yeah, she's got lifeless eyes, like a doll's eyes, black.

Bites down a high-pitched screaming. Sheets turn red. You're not a-living. Anyways, I delivered the load. All right, kids. I know that's got a lot of work but it will be funny trust me i got a whole new chunk on meth and you heard the tit obsession bit i'm working on

and um the dbd thing whatever it's right on the cusp trying to decide what to do with it still still shopping a few people waiting to hear from them, but it's getting damn close. All right. All right, kids. That's it. Go to nickdip.com for my schedule and wash your faces and asses

and I'll talk to you real soon, huh? Yeah. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir Auf Wiedersehen guitar solo I'm out.