The Nick DiPaolo Show - 041 - EMail, ETrade, Ebola

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

EMail, ETrade, Ebola

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how you with? Nick DiPello podcast. Let's get this over with, huh? I got shit to do. I gotta cut the lawn. Suburban chooch over here. What's up since i talked to you last lot of stuff we'll hit a few things we'll talk about uh you know goings on around the world middle east i follow that it's like a good sporting event over there. I'm on the side of Israel, and they're kicking ass.

Although there's a truce right now, 72 hours, and I guess it's working. But what else? We'll touch on Ebola. Let's start with, first of all, yeah, I want to talk. Comedian Rich Seisler, a guy from Boston, passed away a couple days ago. from Boston, passed away a couple days ago. And, yeah, he was only two years older than me, I believe. And he was a good comic.

One of the guys we looked up to when I first started. It's crazy. He was on vacation in the Caribbean, working. And he came down with something called Gillian Barr Syndrome, a disorder that causes the body's immune system to attack the nervous system. You know, he posted it on Facebook, like last week. I didn't look at the date of the post,

but it was from him saying he woke up, he had like pain in his back and he couldn't move his arms or legs. He was like paralyzed. And yeah, I remember posting back saying, you know, hope you're all right, Rich. I'll pray for you, whatever. Not a close friend of mine, but he was one of the guys I looked up to when I first started doing this. And it was a good comic.

And, you know, so he wakes up with this rare disease. They fly him out of, I think he was in Jamaica. He was in the Caribbean. They fly him to a hospital in the Dominican Republic, and he passes away on Monday after suffering from pneumonia. That's my worst nightmare, by the way, coming down with some health issue overseas. As much as you want to,

you know, shit on the, uh, healthcare system in this country and how it needs to be overhauled. Yeah. All right. But to be on an Island, you know,

I always think that when I got to go to St. Bart's or even, uh, you know, any of these Islands and like, God forbid you get sick here. Um, so, uh, yeah, he was a nice guy. I did a gig with him and I remember one of my first gigs. I, God forbid you get sick here.

So, yeah, he was a nice guy. I did a gig with him, and I remember one of my first gigs, I was literally in the business maybe a year, not even, a year and a half maybe. And we did a gig down in Wellfleet, which is way down the ass end of Cape Cod. And it was towards the end of the year, like in the fall. And we're like, nobody's going to be there. Wellfleet's like a real isolated beach. And it was like this beach bar. And sure enough, it was packed.

I remember being so nervous opening for Rich. But he was so cool. I remember him taking me to dinner before the show and telling me how much he liked how i painted pictures with my words or whatever which i didn't even know what i was doing back then you know and it was i was like just so i'm being so in awe of him going up and just doing an hour in front of uh you know a bunch of drunk people at a bar and just commanding their attention and and murdering with ease. And it's too bad. I mean, it seems like a lot of the stuff's going on lately. You know, Otto and George, John Panetta, another Boston guy, now Rich. I mean, lately, it's not been good for the comics, but he was a nice guy.

He's going to be missed. Rest in peace, Rich. What the hell? That was like so sudden. I want to get more of the story. I don't know. Dominican Republic Hospital is where he passed away. And yeah, I guess his heart gave out after contracting pneumonia from this.

But what the hell? You just wake up with that? I mean, you're fine one minute? You know? That's creepy. Anyways. What in the hell else is going on, kids? Ridgefield.

Saturday night, I was in Ridgefield, Connecticut. Ridgefield Playhouse might be my favorite venue of all time. We had right around 400. It holds about five, I think. It's intimate. It's just this beautiful little theater. All these little gems throughout the country you don't even know about. And Ridgefield's like a really nice town, upscale.

And it was just a killer audience i hadn't had to do any time in months you know i was up in montreal uh for most july for a couple weeks and and only doing 10 minutes at a time here and there and hadn't really done any since i think the improv in fort Lauderdale. And it just feels good. You're a little nervous when you haven't done, you know, any substantial time. And what happens is your set kind of shrinks on you. And you have to, like, kind of. But then, on the other hand, it feels good to stretch your legs, knowing you can do, like, an hour.

But they were just so. I can't tell you. I can't tell you i can't tell you how nice it is to get out of the comedy clubs and do theaters here and there i mean everybody's sitting there paying attention and they paid real money to get in you know so they don't act like assholes then there's not nine nine waitresses distracting the audience. It's the way it's supposed to be. It's so nice. I mean, it was just unbelievable right from the get-go. Megan Hanley went on before me, and she did great right from the get-go.

She walked up to a cold audience. They were there for the comedy. It was great, and the venue was just awesome. These are the gigs that you just dream about 30 minutes from my house pull up there like a half hour before the show i go around back there's a person there waiting to meet me like they said there was gonna be i open the door i walk about 10 feet there's my dressing room and another 10 feet. There's the entrance to the state. It was beautiful. You know, fridge stocked with ice cold beer. Mickey Dolan's of the monkeys was there the night before.

And you could tell because I found cocaine and Lipitor on top of the fridge. I'm sure he's clean and sober. Anyways. Yeah. So it was it was so pleasurable. Just working in a little new stuff here, some stuff from the DVD that will be out eventually. And it was just, you know, nobody's on their cell phones. One chick, but she shut it right off. And everybody's just looking in focus.

Nobody's talking to each other. No waitresses. No frigging drinks being knocked over. No bachelorette parties with, you know, girls sitting there with rubber dicks off the top of their heads on those silly hats they buy. And just the way it's supposed to be. Everybody's paying attention, and it makes it so easy.

And the sound system was like frigging silk. And like I said, it's a half hour for my house maybe good money beautiful crowd give me a couple of those a month and i'll shut my face for the rest of my life yeah so uh they already said they're gonna have me back and i guess there was some festival going on and in the summertime it's hard to get people in there that's what somebody wrote me in an email that works there and so they were more than happy with the numbers and uh so let's look forward to doing it again and if you're on the tri-state go up there it's it's awesome it is uh it was so i actually brought the wife um and mike baker and erica uh my web people came backstage with a few of their

friends and uh did a little meet and greet after the show. So thanks for coming out. It was great. There was food. It was a nice first class operation. And hope to do a few more of those, I'll tell you. Mama mia. What the hell else is going on in the world? do you want to start oh joe list buddy joe list

yeah let's uh let's talk about joey boy joe right now as we speak is it it, I think he said Planned Parenthood. He's having genital warts frozen and taken off his genitalia today. How about a round of applause for Joe? Hey, Joe, where'd you get those bumps on your cock? I'm guessing his cock. They say genital. It could be anywhere.

Who knows? His nuts might look like an old tree that had fallen in the woods and has thousands of mushrooms growing on it. But he was telling me over the phone I was cracking up because, you know, I'm a sensitive guy. But they're gonna freeze him off uh i just pictured some guy down there with a uh an almond crunch holding it against his uh blistered cock and uh they freeze him off i guess i would think you'd burn him off

you know with a bick lighter just give you a local anesthetic and maybe even a cigarette and just... Here's one. But apparently Joe got around. And I'm not telling any secrets out of school here. He talks about it on stage, so don't think I'm ratting him out here, which I love about this kid. He's very casual. You know, like guys his age, i guess he's right around 30 but uh

a lot of that shit goes around man i guess there's a lot more of the stuff going around when i was than when i was uh in my 30s so uh yeah he's having those uh frozen off i laugh at other people's misfortune and i go well that's good i mean yeah you know you get he goes yeah but uh well he's good he's about as positive as I am. He goes, yeah, but you know, they told me they can grow back. So next time you do it yourself, you watch what they do and Planned Parenthood. I'm like, what are you, aborting triplets? But I told him he should save, save the warts and make a nice soup. You know, nice wart soup. It's delicious. A little chicken stock.

A little, you know, gentle wart bouillabaisse. So he's having those taken off today. But he's so casual about it, man. That makes me nuts. I mean, I wouldn't be so, I'd just be, I don't even know that I'd talk about it on stage. Like I said, it's much more prevalent today. get that from hpv by the way so i'd find this gang that gave him to me and you know i'd torture her the rest of my life you know i mean that's what i'd do i'd call her house at three in the morning and then start rumors about it on the

internet you know so i guess it's not that big a deal but um i wonder if he's gonna have all scars you know this is this is jonathan's gonna look like uh james edward almost face or uh james woods take your pick uh speaking of diseases you got the ebola thing going on you know people are freaking out. Once again, Africa exporting one of its staples to us. It's such a great continent. I think it's a continent. Isn't Africa a continent?

Because I don't know. I get confused by a vice president was talking yesterday, Joe Biden, and this is what he said about Africa. but if africa's governance and institutions can put his people in a position commensurate with their possibilities the sky is the limit i mean it is limitless there's no reason the nation of africa cannot and should not join the ranks of the world's most prosperous nations in the near term, in the decades ahead. There's simply no reason. Did you hear that? The nation of Africa.

Yeah, you're always making fun of how stupid Sarah Palin is. Let me tell you something. She's got nothing. Biden is a fucking idiot. Always has been. Nancy Pelosi's dumber than him. I'm so sick about hearing how smart people on the left are. And this guy, this wasn't just a slip up.

This wasn't just a slip of the tongue. He really doesn't know the difference. I'm convinced. Oh, what a dope. The nation of Africa. Christ sakes. Everybody knows knows it's a state no it's right next to jersey city oh my god he is just the the fucking and again you know you won't hear anybody torturing him but people like me the nation of africa and yeah, but the whole Ebola thing. Can we relax for Christ's sake?

The only reason it's even an outbreak over there is because, you know, they're trying to cure it with witchcraft. You know, somebody is rubbing chicken blood and goat's blood on their tits trying to kill the disease. And no, but seriously, you know, they don't even have like iv over there they don't have they don't even know the concept of uh dehydration and rehydration and uh that's how you you know that's how you control it i mean if somebody has symptoms you put them on an iv which is they don't have that shit over there and they handle dead bodies when somebody dies when they handle dead bodies you know they don't know enough to quarantine it they you know they're still shitting in coffee cans and wiping their ass with banana leaves but remember all cultures are equal

right because that's a multiculturalism that's a definition there is no superior culture but people are freaking out and stupid trump is like oh don't let those two doctors contracted it you know american doctors while they're over there trying to save people because of such a racist nation and um people are freaking out because they've been flown back to this country it's not like they're sitting in business class on delta you know coughing shit up onto people are freaking out keep them over there and uh you know doc there was a female doctor and a male doctor and they're at emory university in atlanta and uh you know they're already doing better who would i guess you put some fluids in them and maybe some medicine and not you know not make them drink owl piss and uh they're starting to get better

but trump's freaking out and you know but that makes you again that's why the border situation that's when you should that's where you should panic a little bit but um people are freaking out. Oh, God. There's other stuff. There's Mercer out there. There's legitimate shit you should be worrying about. But this stuff, you know? I mean, a third world shithole, yeah, it's going to flourish.

They had an outbreak of this years back, and there's been a few of those. Remember that was supposed to kill us? They made movies about it. The hot zone. It was actually a punch line. One of my jokes. I can't remember what the setup was, but the punch line was the hot zone. Something about a dirty kitchen and a restaurant. So I wouldn't panic folks. You know, it does. You know, it is a little scary because, you know, because we do, the world has changed so much. Everybody is flying everywhere now. It's like Greyhound. Everybody gets on planes, and that's how you can move it around the world quicker. And that's what's going to happen.

Eventually, some terrorist is going to come up with some strain of something and put it on a plane and send it over here. And people will land at LaGuardia and hugging people and sneezing while they're having a $12 latte at one of the LaGuardia restaurants. And next thing you know, we'll all, that's how it's going to work. Somebody wrote a book on that. They're going to, you know, they'll come up with some sick virus and just some third world country and put people on a plane and spread it throughout the world but uh really not in danger right now okay as long as you have uh you know clean drinking water and uh but you know it's transmitted through like vomit and blood it's very hard to get even somebody coughing it you're not gonna get it it. It has to be like, you literally have to be doing cannonballs off a diving board into a pool of vomit.

Or making, you know, frozen mudslides with diarrhea loaded with Ebola. It's pretty hard to get. And like I said, once you

do get it, it depends what country you're in. It'll depend on how you survive or not. But it's like killed about a little, I don't know, 700 people in Liberia or Western Africa or somewhere. And, you know, let's not panic. Huh? The world is a fucking mess though, isn't it? It is frigging crazy. The Middle East. I'm following that like a sporting event, man. People defending Hamas. We're doomed for failure.

We can't even agree on that. I mean, they're a known terrorist organization. They use their civilians as human shields. They shoot rockets from schools. And they set up next to hotels and hospitals and use civilians. It's right in their charter. They admit to doing it. They found paperwork on it. And, you know, Israel's not supposed to strike back because civilians might get killed. You know, in a war, here's the news.

This is not arrogant. You know, it's been like this since the beginning of time. When there's a war, civilians get killed. You know, in a war, here's the news. This is not arrogant. You know, it's been like this since the beginning of time. When there's a war, civilians get killed. You know, you can't just pick people. Drones have helped in that regard, but people are going to get killed who aren't supposed to get killed. But the whole fucking media, they love to jump on it and show the dead kids. And Israel's just trying to defend itself. It started when three kids get kidnapped and israel's just trying to defend itself started when they when three kids

get kidnapped and murdered by hamas that's triggered the whole thing so they did a number netanyahu's like no we got we got our foot on their throat we're not taking it off they were trying to you know blow up all the tunnels that the the uh terrorists used to sneak into israel and take out most of their rockets and that iron dome thing really works israel has this iron dome defense most of you know those uh missiles coming from us uh you know they're dog shit they're not accurate and they don't do much damage but uh what a way to live huh but then you get the UN and frigging John Kerry, you know, admonishing Hamas. This must cease. Fuck you.

We're trying to defend ourselves. Shut your hole. Put Biden on it. It's a mess, though. But there's a they've tried to do like three different truces during the war and and they lasted like 40 minutes literally they'd call a uh you know it's crazy isn't it have you ever heard of such a thing you're in the middle of war and you're like okay we're gonna take uh 24 hours because it's a holiday let's take a break we'll resume killing

each other on tuesday do you agree yes it sounds good to me then they take a break but these ceasefires would only last like 40 minutes because Hamas would kidnap somebody, an Israeli soldier, 40 minutes after the truce was struck. And then it was back on again. So Netanyahu was like, yeah, fucking Obama, mind your business. Kerry, mind your business. We'll take care of ourselves. Yeah, it's crazy. The anti-Semitism in Europe is just through the freaking roof and then you see it over here in new york city is this protest people defending hamas i don't

fucking get it anyways but i used to that's why manny dwome and the guy that owned the comedy cellar uh he used to teach like middle east politics and and he was a professor and we used to love sitting down and talking about this i mean he knew the history of this shit from the get-go so you know the six-day war in 67 he would fill us in and all this stuff and it was just fascinating and we would lead people in there sometimes i think gerald though god bless his soul brought in some lawyer friend of his who thought he knew everything and we'd load the guy into the table and he sat down with manny and we kind of lured him into a discussion about the middle east because the guy fancied himself like an expert and fucking he had no idea that manny you know was also an

expert and manny just took him took him apart it was friggin hilarious we're all standing by the bar watching pretending we're not hearing a thing and just laughing our ass off. But mother of God. Speaking of, yeah, John Kerry, I see a commercial for CBS. They got some series coming out this fall. Madam Secretary. Gee, you can't see where that's headed. That's not like a fucking...

Yeah, like that's not a ploy to get Hillary elected. I'm sure that whole show is just, you know, it's going to show how a female secretary... I'm not talking about a secretary at a business. I don't even know the plot, but I'm guessing it's, you know... Defense

Secretary or whatever. You know, it's going to be a... It's just going to be it's you know defense secretary or whatever you know it's going to be a it's just going to be a you know a 12 episode campaign commercial to get hillary elected maybe it is about a secretary of business but i'm guessing not madam secretary as the women the women worship syndrome continues on tv When's the last time you saw a broad on TV? Seriously. And I ask this on stage, painted in a bad light as like just mean or negative or stupid. Not very often, is it? They have superpowers now.

It's hilarious. I see these commercials for those CSI shows, and all the female cops, they just sit there over a dead body, and they figure out in 10 minutes they all look like supermodels and shit. It fucking makes me laugh my balls off. Just a feminist wet dream. That's all Hollywood is.

Madam Secretary, Wednesday at 8. Emblem of the show. It's just two big thick ankles. They look like fucking Clydesdale feet. Should be a woman in a pantsuit that looks like John Madden. Let me tell you something. Christie's losing to Hillary

in the recent poll in New Jersey. You have to be shitting me, New Jersey. What the fuck is your problem? Wake up, will you, and smell the coffee. She'll be worse than Obama. She's just another fucking 60s hippie liberal douche. Please wake up. I'll tell you who's going to win it all, though, in 2016.

Rand Paul. I'm making my prediction right now. Because he's young enough, and he's straddling that fence beautifully he's not like a hard right you know and he's not you know he's certainly not hard left um conservative in a lot of areas but he's getting the younger vote you know he's going out to these uh schools university of uh you know california at berkeley and getting standing ovation because he's uh he's he's on top of the whole NSA you know spying shit and um and younger voters a lot of guy a lot of people that voted for Obama are with him

on this because it touches them on a personal level they don't like the idea of the government's you know reading what's on your cell phone and and all this shit. And they're loving him. And he's really intelligent. And he's kind of a, not an isolationist, but he doesn't want to, you know, he doesn't want us all over the world anymore. And I kind of agree with that. Like I said, like I said, we should just bring everybody home and give the whole world a warning. This whole fucking notion of, oh, gee, the terrorists are lining up in Iraq and Afghanistan. They're going to have a place to launch their attacks on us. They're already here, for Christ's sake.

Go to Astoria, Queens, Steinbeck Street. Walk down that. No offense. Most of them areck Street, walk down that. No offense. Most of them are good people, I'm sure. But I'm just saying that is so silly. They can attack us from anywhere, this whole notion. I say, and I mentioned this on the last pause, I think it's great that they're all convening in one area,

like Iraq or Afghanistan. Let them all pull there, you know, like ants on a Cheeto. And then we just step on them with a medium-sized A-bomb. What do you think? I think it's a good strategy. But that's why Rand Paul, I think, he's going to get the young vote. And he's definitely smart enough. Now there's rumblings about Mitt Romney getting back in, although he's denying all that.

But he's showing up and backing all these Republicans in these primaries, and that wouldn't be the worst thing either. But I like Rand Paul. I think he's smart, and I don't know. That's my prediction. Then again, I told you the Red Sox are going to be good this year, so what the fuck do I know?

What a disaster. Haven't talked to you, I think, since the last time we talked was, you know, they were talking about the trade and Lester and whatever, and we all know now. He's an Oakland A, and we got Cespedes. And I don't get the strategy. I really don't. and I don't get the strategy. I really don't.

I mean, you're talking Hall of Fame lefty possibilities for Lester. You know how tough it is to have a lefty be successful in Fenway Park because of that short porch and left? And this guy was, I mean, at the top of his game this year. And I thought it was all about pitching. This is what I don't understand. I offense don't get me wrong i love the days of jim rice and fred lynn and uh when it looked like a softball team and the socks would put up 11 runs and then back then they didn't have pitch and they get beat 13 11 but um i love that idea but i i always thought it started with pitching you know i mean so i don't get not only they get rid of him they get rid of lester i mean get rid of lackey excuse me um who's a cardinal now i don't uh and then

they get rid of miller andrew miller this relief pitcher this nasty lefty that everybody so i don't get it we gutted our pitching unless there's a bunch of prospects i don't know about down in pawtucket but uh i thought it all started with pitching in baseball. That was the most important thing. So, yeah, we got Cespedes and another guy from the Reds. I can't remember. From the Cardinals, I should say. He's already on the DL.

What the hell's his name? Just turned his ankle a couple nights ago. Anyways, Joe Kelly starting tonight for the Sox, who was a pitcher. We also got in the deal. But unless the Sox get Lester back, which is still a possibility in the offseason, isn't this horrible what money has done to sports? Can you imagine being like an 8-year-old kid watching baseball and you fall in love with the Red Sox?

They win the World Series, and you get John Lester's baseball cards, and then he's gone. What, he's going to another team this year and try to help them win the World Series? But he might be back. Boy, that shows. I don't want to be too Pollyannish here. I know it's a business, but it's really, now it's just, ugh. It's really exposed for what it is, isn't it?

It's just, it's almost hard for adults to, I'm supposed to pretend these people give a fuck, and again, I'm not that naive, but come on. Celeste is going to go help the A's win a World Series, and then hopefully we can get them back. I mean. So, yeah. I watched him lose again last night to St. Louis.

Buchholz, I don't know what his problem is. He gives up six runs every game now. Nobody could lay a finger on him last year. Now he's the most hittable pitcher we got. So I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the Sox are doing. But supposedly we have the deepest farm system in all of baseball, and we could sign some big-name established guys during the offseason.

It could be a scary lineup. Cespedes, I mean, even now it looks better. Ortiz. You know. Pedroia. The guy from the goddamn Cardinals. I can't remember his friggin' name. He's an offensive, you know, he's been like a perennial all-star. What the fuck is his name? I don't know.

Anyways. But we gotta get a few more, but Brock Holt has to stay in the lineup. Jackie Bradley Jr. sent him back. He can't hit major league pitching. He's had enough of a chance. Might be the best defensive guy I've ever seen on the Red Sox in center field. Guy leads the league in throwing people out,

assists from the outfield by a mile. He's made some of the greatest catches i've ever seen he's is he's he's better than ellsbury defensively but he couldn't hit a goddamn friggin beach ball with a canoe paddle and i've seen enough of him um middle brooks another one 200 hitter he's had his He could be. Here's a guy that hit three home runs in a game, you know. And then went into a tailspin for a year. And hasn't come out of it. But, you know, it could be a scary lineup.

But Napoli, Ortiz, Cespedes, and the likes. Vasquez, we have this young catcher. Anyways, enough Sox talk. If you're not a Red Sox fan, I'm sure you're bored titless. What other sports? Oh, I was watching, yeah, and this is how bored I was. I was actually watching the Bridgestone Invitational Golf Tournament in Tiger Woods.

You know, who's playing dog shit, and all of a sudden his back flares up. And again, and I don't want to come across this, but come on. He hits three bad shots, and all of a sudden he back flares up and again and i don't want to come across this but come on he hits three bad shots and all of a sudden he grabs his lower back i'm telling you and again i don't have proof of this it's just my opinion that guy it just looks to me his performance has dropped off so much and don't tell me it's just because he's getting fucked over by his wife i'm telling you in my opinion the guy used to juice it's the only time you see performance

and athletic performance fall off that much. And I think he got off the juice, whatever. Now he can't play golf. But he grabs his frigging back and, you know, leaves right in the middle of the tournament. Well, he's playing shitty, coincidentally. But who knows? The guy's body's breaking down, though. Almost like somebody who used to juice, you know?

It's so funny to listen to Jim Nance on CBS. He's such a company man. And the color commentary guys was like, I don't see him flinching there. Oh, no. You know, Nance is like, I'm sure he's had lower back problems for the last few months now. And such a company guy, you know because uh tiger woods equals ratings you can't bad mouth him um the hell else oh caught a little of the new yorkants Hall of Fame game. Just a few minutes of it. Even I, as much as I love football, preseason football,

just watch first team play six minutes. But let me tell you something. They got Andre Williams, a kid from Boston College, who had almost 2,200 yards rushing his senior year and led the nation. And he likes to run over people. They interviewed him in the post, and he, led the nation. And he likes to run over people. They interviewed him in the post. And he's fast, too.

And I'm telling you, you guys got a gem in Andre Williams, the Giants. I don't think they realize what they got there. And that guy's going to be hard to stop if the Giants have any type of offensive line. He looked good in that scrimmage. The Hall of Fame game. Against the Bills. How about poor Jim Kelly? He's got cancer in his, like, sinuses.

And, I mean, went through treatments and stuff for months. And then it came back. Poor guy looks like he's aged 40 years. And they did a whole piece on him that was pretty uh heartbreaking too man guy can't catch a break he had he had a kid that was born with a fatal disease who was supposed to die after a year the kid poor kid lived till he was eight and and then passed away and now you know he's fighting for his life with his cancer. It's unbelievable. Did you hear that ping?

So popular. Two emails every three weeks. How about the choking game? I was reading about that today on the internet. That's making a comeback where kids, you know, choke themselves out because they like the high. Have we really? Isn't it beautiful?

It really is. It really is Darwinism. The idiots are just waiting themselves out. But it showed a clip. I was laughing my balls off. These two cute like black girls. They look like they're teens. They look like they're 15 or 16. and their friends like are pushing against their chest.

You guys must have seen this today. Until they pass out. This one girl like bends over, falls over backwards. Like if she was over 20, she would have torn both ligaments and both knees. But what the fuck is that? You're that bored?

Man, if that's not a sign of a decadent society, at least, you know, at least huff paint out of a can. Be a traditionalist. I don't know. I don't get that. Let me try it right now. I'm a little lightheaded look you know I'd be glad to come to your house

and choke you out I mean why not get people to do it you had your friends do it but why not get somebody this is I mean there's got to be let's start a website you know like match.com.

If you get like sexually aroused, but I'd be more than happy to fucking choke you out, but I'm going to sign away, but it says I'm not responsible or disclaimer. If you die, it's got to,

there'll be a good idea. Wouldn't it though? If that turns you on, you're like, you know, this guy didn't really like me in high school. Maybe I'll come over and squeeze my windpipe.

I do it to my wife. It has nothing to do with sex and getting high. It's just, you know, I mean, when you burn a grilled cheese, you're going to pay. Yeah, so I'm watching those clips laughing my balls off. These kids are that friggin' bored. I gotta believe cocaine or even heroin is a better high than choking yourself. I might be wrong there, though, you know? Um.

Oh, Christ. How about a boy Sharpton and de Blasio? You know, the whole following. Now it's national news. It was local. It was a New York thing. This big guy, his last name is Garner, big black kid in Staten Island. He was selling illegal cigarettes and a New York officer got him in a chokehold, supposedly,

although that's still up for grabs, where there was a chokehold, and the guy ends up having a heart attack and dying. Of course, he was, you know, 200 pounds overweight and had asthma. But, you know, somebody filmed it. By the way, the kid that filmed the incident, he just got busted for coming out of a motel with a young girl sticking an illegal gun in her waistband. And the kid that filmed it's been arrested like 20 times. So he's back in the can.

But de Blasio, Marxist de Blasio, you know, invited Al Sharpton to the press conference. And he had Bratton, the police commissioner there, which just that visual alone is unfair because it makes it look like Sharpton is, you know, is a legitimate player in these discussions. Giuliani would never talk to Sharpton. The whole two terms he was there, he never gave him the time of day. And who would have guessed? Fucking racial tensions went down. Well, I should say crime went down maybe not racial tension

but uh anyway sharpton's lecturing them on how the cops should do their jobs and and hey if it's they did an me report and the first report came out saying that uh it wasn't a chokehold and they you know that that was the first report there was no damage to the kids windpipe or whatever but and all of a sudden that was changed on the front of the post a couple things it says homicide and of course you know Sharpton I mean if that's the case and if it but it doesn't look like it if that's the case that it really was a chokehold yeah the guy the cop has to pay for it but um all of a sudden there's there's a change that doesn't smell that doesn't stink to high heavens all of a sudden, there's a change. That doesn't smell. That doesn't stink to high heavens. All of a sudden, they change the,

and then Sharpton's up there lecturing Bratton. Of course, he's just sitting there taking it because, you know, Sharpton helped deliver de Blasio to the mayor's office. It's a big campaigner for him and whatnot. So de Blasio's just returning the favor of that, and he's afraid of black people, de Blasio. de blasio is just returning the favor that he's afraid of black people de blasio um so yeah there's sharpton acting like he's legit the guy has no credibility did i tell i don't know if i ever told you this i i shot a pilot i might have mentioned this i shot a pilot

a few years ago quite a few years ago with uh comedy central for my own thing and we had sharpton in the pilot we paid him like i remember they paid him eight grand i believe yeah it was eight thousand dollars they called him like at the last minute and i'm like you're never gonna get him and they call me back that night go hey guess who we're he's gonna do your show tomorrow so i went we went up to harlem we picked him up in a van like on park avenue or something and uh went up to Harlem. We picked them up in a van, like on Park Avenue or something, and went up to, I want to say, it was some, you know, one of those up in Harlem, one of those restaurants, Ruth Ann's. I think it was Ruth Ann's, and we had breakfast, and the menu was, all the items on the menu was named after famous black people,

and I was, you know, making jokes that had Sharpton almost spit in his coffee. He was like, well, Nick, now where are you learning politics and i'm like uh boston and he's like oh he rolled his eyes but i was zinging him it was funny and i mean he's a scumbag no doubt about it he's the biggest racist on the planet and he'd do anything for money i think that proved it but uh we were busting each other's balls and it was funny and it should have made the air but no comedy central shows it to a focus group i.e 20 like housewives and then i don't know it's a little politically encouraging imagine they show it to like 50 people and like like those 50 people like we all think

like they do. We find the same things funny and it would have been great. It was not long after Tough Crowd and it would have been, you know. But yeah,

I was busting his chops and I can't even remember the dialogue. I should call them and see if I can find it or maybe have it on my computer somewhere. And I can't even remember the dialogue. I should call him, see if I can find it. Or maybe I have it on my computer somewhere. But I couldn't believe we were picking him up. He gets in the van and he was complaining he had just saw a George Clooney movie.

One of those thrillers. He goes, I like conspiracies, but this was too much for me. I mean, it was ridiculous. I couldn't even follow it. What was I saying to him? I was busting his balls. I was just like, I was just bragging how I was from Boston. And, you know, we don't put up with your shit.

And you should have seen him. He was turning pale at some of my comments. But we were laughing. He was telling me what to order and shit. Go on in line. That guy, go on in line, go online and look at that clip where he gets pushed out of the chair by Donald Ennis.

Morton Downey Jr. show. They did it up at the Apollo, and this guy, Donald Ennis, who hangs out at the comedy cell. He used to be one of Manny's close friends. He's a conservative black guy. And him and Sharpton get into it. And Ennis gets up and Sharpton is still in his seat.

Sharpton starts to get up and Mr. Ennis pushes him. And it tips over backwards and Sharpton falls off the stage. And he had to weigh 350 at the time. It's the funniest guy I think I've ever seen in your life. But anyways, the point being, de Blasio is letting him like dictate you know what goes on so it's just crazy and and this guy for the PBA uh it's his name Lynch Patrick Lynch defending the cops um you know is saying he just went after sharpton in a paper today and and the mayor saying hey if you're not going to back us cops up i don't blame him he's saying uh it's you know the police benevolent benevolent association i think is what pba stands for uh he said uh he's telling the cops

you know um if they're not going to back us up, if the mayor's not going to support us, or Bratton, the commissioner, he's telling the cops, the rank and file, I want you to cross every T dot every I, and if you miss the next call, if somebody's calling for help and you're filling out paperwork, basically, tough shit. So, you know, we're losing the support of the cops.

I mean, it's unbelievable. It's heading right to the way it was under Dinkins. Give it another year or two, and the city's going to be fucking a shithole again. It's unbelievable. I don't get guys like de Blasio. I really don't get it. I'd love to know what happened to him

as a child that he thinks like this. It's crazy. I'd like to choke him out. Sharpton wants the cops. You know if the cops do something. I agree. I mean if they get busted. And doing something illegal.

They should do the perp walk. That's what Sharpton wants. But I mean they're in a tough position. You know anytime there's an exchange between somebody. All this guy had to do was not resist arrest, and none of this shit would have happened. And, of course, everybody wants to forget that part of it, because we live in such a point-the-fingers-at-the-cops mentality in New York.

All's he had to do, and he'd been arrested eight times before, okay, put your hands out and, you know, and then fight it in court. But he's like, no, this is going to end today. And he starts fighting with the cops. And the truth of it is, is because he was obese and had asthma. And that's why he died. But, you know, I don't know how a report, an M.E.'s report can go from, you know, no, it wasn't a chokehold to, yes, this is homicide. Something fishy going on there.

I smoke a little bit, and I can't even quit one or two cigarettes a day. What is that? Somebody help me out. And I'm a former athlete. I'm kind of embarrassed. But I started doing that, like I told you, Catch a Rising Star in the early 90s. Some reason I brought a cigarette up on stage. This was back when you could.

And I just winged it. I did a bit about blowing it into girls' faces or something. After eating an onion ring sandwich or something. Something about bad. And it killed. So I continued to do it. So that's how I started smoking and uh even now again never uh never a real smoker just social and then uh i stopped doing it completely for a few years and i've started up again like one or two

isn't it funny i'll work out and then i'll do that i I'll have a cigarette, which is so stupid. But I can't even shake that. I know people who quit, you know, they have three packs a day and they can quit. I don't know. I think mentally I'm weak. So I tried these up in Montreal. This girl was giving me those vapor cigarettes. Those things are fucking harsh. They're worse than real cigarettes.

They, like, burn your throat. And you have to almost blow a blood vessel in your brain sucking on it to get any vapor out of it. What else? Oh, we lost. Speaking, I forgot this when we were talking about it.

We lost a major, a major general, Harold Green. First major general to be killed since Vietnam in combat action. One of those Afghani fucks that we're training over there. Again, more evidence we shouldn't be there anymore. Turned his gun on him and killed one of our major. And you believe this shit i mean can we just get out of there please i didn't feel that way till i went over there with the uso when i went over there with david tell and florentine and uh baba bowie and arty

and saw it's like a different planet it's like a different planet. It's like, how could we have any conflict of interest? It was like being on Mars. It looks, I mean, it was just, I can't describe it. We were flying over in a Blackhawk helicopter, just hundreds and hundreds of miles of desert, and you'd see a little speck of like a mud house. They show this shit on the news once in a while, but it's like being on the other side of the moon or something. It's just crazy. We've got gotta get the hell out of there yeah we lost a major general

first guy killed since uh since uh yeah since like right after world war ii some vietnam i think um what the hell else oh this is in the news again I guess more evidence this is a war on women this is

Reuters under the Affordable Care Act employers must provide time and space for new mothers to express milk for their babies until the child turns one year old. Express milk. They're talking about breastfeeding. Businesses have to provide time and space for new mothers To breastfeed their babies at work Until the child turns a year old This is a terrific opportunity To show businesses that lactation is important

Listen to this horseshit And that women should be accorded the right To provide milk for their babies Okay just don't complain when you're making Two cents less an hour than men Okay When your male cohort is Sitting at his desk and you're making two cents less an hour than men okay when your male cohort is uh sitting at his desk and you're in the uh you're in the tit room feeding your kid for 20 minutes what the

fuck how about this you stay home and feed the kid and then when it's old enough then you come back to work how about that uh if i'm a guy in that office i demand that the affordable care act lets me watch how about that that should be part of it too fucking what is going on uh a woman experiencing lactation will only need about 15 minutes to pump each time and they may need to take a break to do so mid-morning, at lunch, and again mid-afternoon. But these times can vary greatly depending on the... Unbelievable. It just sounds like you're going to... That's like an employee spending half of the day on the shitter,

taking a 40-minute dump on the clock. Businesses with fewer than 50 employees may be exempt from the break time law if it would be an undue hardship. Who decides that? What a fucking nightmare, this law. But the spirit of the law is to make this available for all working women. And it's hard to imagine what difficulty or expense an employer would face. Well, you're going to find out.

Worker retention rates seem to be greater when they allow this to happen rather than not not being very supportive of the women oh really listen to this propaganda horseshit how do you even prove have the women whose workplaces do not provide a lactation area may complain orally or in writing to the u.s department of labor wage and our division another fucking another department i've never heard of what the fuck in either case they are protected from discrimination by the fair labor standards act prohibition prohibition on retaliation the new law may improve national breastfeeding statistics but that's hard to gauge seeing as many health care providers employees and employees are unaware of the law it goes on but i won't bore, but give me a fucking break. They have to build a special room.

How, how, how do people keep voting for shit like this? More and more government. Are you happy in your lives? Do you understand the whole purpose of this country was anti-government? There's one party that's really not in touch. I'll let you figure it out.

It's fucking embarrassing. If I'm the boss, I'm like, no, you can breastfeed your kid, but you're going to do it while you're sitting at your desk like everybody else. By the way, this coffee needs some cream in it diane get over here that's sexist that's misogynist nick what are you thinking that was the beauty of saturday night man these people were open to anything not one goddamn moan not one i was doing some stuff.

I'll tell you, it might be the whitest town I've ever seen. Look, I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood of Boston, so I guess that's why I have the same sense of humor as this crowd did as me. But they didn't moan at anything. I wasn't letting it fly like I usually do. Spent, I know I'm all over the place, folks, but that's all right. I'm winging it. Spent the last couple days in editing in New York City. And I posted a picture of my buddy Jeremy editing who works for this company that's doing it.

Great guy. And people are so funny on Twitter. Some of you are such fucking scumbags. Nice room, Nick. Why don't you put some paintings on the wall? It's not even my fucking house. I'm in a studio in New York City. Oh, what is that petty horse shit?

I don't know if you think you're being funny. If you're going to fucking insult, do it with some humor. Come up with something clever. Nice leg tattoo. Somebody thought it was actually me sitting in the chair doing the editing, I think. But, yeah. So, trimmed away a lot of fat from it. Not a lot.

About six minutes. It was like an hour and ten, you know. And to make it more saleable, you want it right around an hour. That's what the network's like. I don't even know if anybody's going to buy this, folks. I don't know. But it's funny. You're going to frigging love it.

Did it in a small venue comedy club and not a theater with four cameras. One of them is a roaming camera. So it's like you're sitting right in the audience on a lot of shots looking up at me. It feels like you're in the second row. It's frigging cool. It really is. I think people are going to love it. looking up at me it feels like you're in the second row it's friggin cool it really is i think people are gonna love it i was told that was the trend you know because louis uh helped todd barry

with his and they shot todd in a bunch of bunch of different clubs and i know atel did that with his last one and that was the trend but uh you know some people uh at the big companies are like no we like the big they want to make it look like it's freaking, you know, Tom Jones in the 70s in Vegas. But I think you'll love it because it captures, you know, stand-up comedy is meant to be done in an intimate setting. And this captures it, you know. It's like 260 seats, I think. And we got the handheld, the roaming, two side cameras, camera from the back.

So you get in all angles. And, yeah, the last couple days, I was there for 11 hours on Tuesday. What's today? I'm so freaking confused. No, on Monday I was there for 11 hours and yesterday for about eight. And just tightening it, you know. It's a fun thing, man. It's fun to watch this guy, Jeremy, at work.

He's got like eight screens in front of him and uh this software is amazing i have no idea what he's doing but i get to you know go by it you know frame by frame and pluck out any uh any dead time or any you know and i'm not talking about sweetening it we don't do any of that shit it's the set it's the actual response and everything i'm just talking about i'll be at the microphone at the front of the stage, and maybe I'll walk back to the stool to grab the bottle of water or whatever, you know, which you can chop that right out to tighten it, if you know how to do it right.

So it's a pretty fascinating process. And the kid has a cart right in his office like Don Draper, like all the guys at Mad Men. He has a cart loaded with all kinds of bourbons and whiskey, rye, and all that shit. I actually started to nod. It took me, it's a 45-minute ride into the city. I, I, it took me, it's a 45 minute ride into the city. Uh, unless you know, yesterday I'm on the West side, how we get to like a 79th street. All of a sudden it's a parking lot.

So I'm like an idiot and I've done this before and I keep telling myself I'll never do it again. Um, the editing company is down in, uh, on Broadway and 12th in the middle of fucking, you know, union square and nightmare. No, it just, anyways, I get off at 79th. I'm working my way across town, which is the stupidest thing you can do. Took me an hour and 40 minutes. I go by several parking garages in New York. I want to pull in.

I can't. There's a car blocking the entrance into the parking garage. Two guys like leaning against it, talking. You know, I beep. I can kind of get their attention. They're just like looking at me like, well, don't fucking move. I get there. You know, I beep. I can finally get to retention. They're just, like, looking at me like, well, don't fucking move. I get there.

I am frazzled. You know me. High strung. I get there. My hair's sticking up. I'm fucking cursing. I take the elevator. I go right into his office.

I go right by him. He's sitting there at his desk. I go right to the liquor cabinet. This is, like, what, quarter one in the afternoon? Pour two big belts of bourbon. So I'm dying to see what I agreed upon as far as edits when I watch this thing today that he sent me. But anyways, we're at the final process. So and haven't shown it to that many people.

That's what's slowing it up. These people that work for these companies and you know the epics and all that they go on vacation in summertime so i'm sorry for the delay thank you for being patient and it is coming and uh and i think you're gonna like it a lot of cursing a lot of f-bombs that's me and my element but uh i just like it because it's intimate like i said it's it you guys from this roaming camera it's crazy you get an angle from every every side and it feels like you're sitting at some shots it's like you're sitting in there right with the first or second

row and um it catches the intensity because it's a low ceiling and it's a great club to do it at so it's called another Senseless Killing. I'm hoping to have this thing out. You know before the end of this month. Can't make any promises. Because like I said. You give it to these people to look at. And they take weeks to get back.

But anyways. Thank you for your patience everybody. Thank you so much. That's it. I got a look at the stuff. That all the editing we did yesterday. He just sent me something. Late last night. When I got up this morning. I downloaded it. And I have to look at the stuff that all the editing we did yesterday he just sent me something uh late last night when I got up this morning I downloaded it and I have to watch it now that's it I appreciate uh you guys uh listening by the way we're getting good numbers on the

podcast each month it's growing by you know four or five thousand so uh I haven't been doing it a year yet and it's always like in the top hundred so I appreciate your support kids come see me in Atlanta let me grab my date book I believe it's 21 through 23 if I'm wrong whatever go to Nick dip Nick dip calm Atlanta at the improv at the end of this month and it's a good club, actually. And yeah. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 21 through 23. And come see me. Main Street Armory in Rochester.

That's like another small theater. The 29th of August, which is a Friday night. That'll be fun. I like gigs like that. I drive up there. I'll drive up, have a few belts during the show. And then get on the highway and have the cops chase me all the way home. September 25 through 27, Zanies on the 25th.

I'll be in downtown Chicago. And then on 26th and 27th, Rosemont, outside of Chicago. Those are all Zanies clubs, and they're great. Haven't been there in a long time. Chicago, one of my favorite cities. I just hope I don't get shot. I'm guessing, you know, Christ's sake, it's worse than Afghanistan over there.

But yeah, so that's the upcoming schedule. I thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of your day. Wash your faces and your filthy asses. Talk to you soon. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, I'll be this way. guitar solo I'm out.