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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com.
Hey, this is Dante Nero, actor, comedian, and relationship guru,
stopping in to say how happy I am to bring the Bage Phillips Show to the Riotcast family.
It's a relationship show from a masculine perspective.
It started back in the day as the Black Phillips Show with my best friend, the late, great Patrice O'Neal.
And I decided to keep it going because dudes are still in pain.
We're talking relationship advice, pickup techniques, sex tips, and all-around life lessons on how to be a better man.
If you're a guy who needs to get his balls back or you're a girl who just wants to know what men really think,
check out the Bates Phillips Show on the Riotcast Network. Hi kids, how you with? What it is?
Nick DiPaola podcast is, well, kind of on the air.
It's not live, let's be honest, but we'll get to that.
If I see there's enough support, we'll do these things live.
We'll turn it into a goddamn radio show right out of the house,
like a few other people I know are doing.
Never leave this place.
Make a goddamn living right in the basement.
Isn't that the goal of every American?
I mean, since it's the Internet explosion and the dot-com companies,
and wasn't that the deal?
That eventually there'll be no buildings downtown,
nobody will leave the house to go shopping, to do anything?
Personally, hey, at 52, it would be a wet dream
to make a living with not leaving the house.
You think I want to go to fucking LaGuardia again?
Head to Tulsa to do five shows?
Get in line with those shitheads.
Deal with the traffic.
You know, New York's a great place.
Don't get me wrong.
But I'm sick of hearing about how great New York City is.
The greatest city in the world.
People must read shit in the paper
and watch the news that live in the Midwest
and down south and go,
those fucking people nuts.
Just the crap that goes on.
Not even to mention the day-to-day, you know, terrorist threats against New York City.
But just the pervs on the subway and all the horse shit that goes with it.
20 bodies have floated up in the East River so far this year.
It's up from seven, I think, from 13 at this time last year.
Imagine being a tourist and looking at the statue.
Hey, do you smell shit?
What is that over there?
It looks like a...
Ugh.
It's fucking hilarious.
Place is gross.
That's why I moved out to the woods.
Not much better out here either.
Me with Lyme disease.
But anyways,
I thought I'd open the broadcast
with my cherry disposition. I want to I thought I'd open the broadcast with my cherry disposition.
I want to thank you guys, by the way, for all the outpouring on Twitter as far as the loss of my brother-in-law.
Me and my wife appreciate it very much.
You really are the best fans.
I don't mean to kiss your ass, but we do appreciate that.
I always used to hear that, you know, comics and entertainers are my fans, my fans is my fans.
But I think comedians, I think we have the real loyal fan.
I mean, because comics are different and we all have our own personalities, hopefully,
unless you're a blowjob hack and doing middle of the road caca.
But, you know, I'm not the most sunny person in the world.
And that's who tends to, if they find you funny because that's how they think, you know, you have a lot in common.
But we appreciate, you know, your condolences on Twitter.
So I really do appreciate that.
Went up there last week for the services.
Always tough. My mother-in-law week for the services. Always tough.
My mother-in-law is doing pretty good.
Tough lady.
Wife's doing much better this week.
I'm not, you know, I'm not one of these people that believe in the supernatural and all that.
I don't know what I believe.
I got to be honest with you.
Too much of a pussy to commit either way.
But my wife's freaking me out with these you know she goes on the internet and
she's reading all about this stuff when people die that are close to you when people die period
of friends or relatives there's certain signs that they are sending you after or whatever which
i gotta be honest i you know i don't believe in most of that stuff but she's uh you know one of them is that uh uh lights go out usually usually in threes
okay i had never heard of this i hope i didn't bring this up on the last podcast i swear to god
the lime is getting to my memory or it's you know i'm 52 and i had four or five concussions as a kid
um but uh one of them is yeah the lights light a bulb will go out or whatever and it
happens in threes okay so i don't want to again but we come home the day after the service and
like there's a light one of those candles that you plug in in our parlor that went out there's
there's two lights there they stay on all night or whatever one of them's out the next day one of
the lamps at the front of my pond we we have four lamps, like on the columns,
the third one is out, okay, I didn't know any of this, my wife had already read this online and
stuff, so I come in the next day, I go out to get the paper, and there's all glass at the base of
our steps, and I look up, one of the floodlights had blown out, I didn't, so I didn't know anything
about this three lights phenomenon, whatever.
But when I told my wife, I go, you know, the floodlight blew out.
She freaked out, and she drags me into her office, literally drags me in and pulls this thing up online about when people pass away, they send you.
One of the messages is lights will go out, usually in threes.
So there was that, and I'm like, okay, maybe, maybe coincidence.
Then the next day, my wife, I hear her go in her office and she freaks out.
And she comes out, her watch had stopped, which is another thing when somebody dies.
I remember seeing that in the movie, the Charlie Manson Helter Skelter movie back in the late 70s early 80s made for db movie by the way if you haven't
seen it it was unbelievable i think steve railsback played charlie manson but anyways
there's a scene in that movie when bulgosi who was the lawyer trying to put charlie in jail
charlie's just staring at him in the crate, and he looks down at his watch. It stopped.
Eh, maybe not a good analogy of what I'm talking about.
But anyways, my wife's watch had stopped at 12.17,
and she had been trying to figure out for a couple days what the significance,
this is right after her brother died,
what the significance of 12.17 was.
She puts her watch down on her desk,
and then comes back later to pick it up she put it down
upside down she picks it up and looks at it and it reads 647 if you look at the hands which is
the exact time that her brother died it's i'm like give me that i thought she was just you know
and it's a it's creepy is if you look at 12 17 if you have
you know not a digital watch obviously if you polish and italians uh if you turn it upside down
the hands are at exactly 647 kind of creepy okay again coincidence i don't know now i'm starting
to go what the fuck okay here's the third one i don't know if you believe in the stuff and
people do i brought this up to colin quinn he goes i believe in all that shit I don't know if you believe in this stuff or not. People do. I brought this up to Colin Quinn.
He goes, I believe in all that shit.
I don't know what to believe.
But it's too many coincidences in a few days.
So then I'm in, last night, I'm downstairs in the kitchen.
She goes, come here, come upstairs.
There's a butterfly in our bedroom.
A big, beautiful butterfly up in the corner on her side of the bed.
And I'm like yeah and uh she again brings me downstairs shows me on the computer it's another thing i guess irish people believe in this a lot the butterflies are the souls of people that pass
away or whatever and a butterfly will always show up when a loved one dies or whatever but all the
shit is apparently she's not making it up
because it's already on the internet and people believe in a lot of this stuff but there's a
butterfly and i'm like how the fuck did it get in the house i mean you know my bat story it's on my
uh last special raw nerve i tell that whole story but that's because we had some work done on the
house and one of the eaves was left open. And the bat flew in there.
That's explainable.
But I have no idea.
We've never had a butterfly in our house.
Which is pretty well sealed at this point.
But there it is.
This big beautiful butterfly up in the corner.
And it makes my wife very happy.
All this stuff does.
You know.
And I guess.
I don't know how you look at that.
Is that healthy or unhealthy?
But if it makes her feel good,
and, you know, who am I to say that it's coincidence?
If it was one thing, I'd be like, what, are you kidding me?
But, I mean, it's like three things now.
So she's doing a lot better, you know?
That and the horse riding.
That horse is a blessing in disguise.
You know, I went up there with her last week up there in North Salem or wherever.
God, is it beautiful up there.
But, you know, it gets her mind off it.
But she's doing a lot better.
She's tough.
I'm telling you, she won't be half this upset when I die.
I'm not kidding you.
You think I'm being funny.
I'm telling you, that's how close she was to her brothers.
Oh, that's how much she hates me. One or the other.
But thanks again for all the well wishes.
Boo.
I had a scaled down version
of the comedian cookout. It wasn't even a cookout.
It was really celebrating the opening of the
NFL. Had a few of the boys up
to the house yesterday.
Arthur Lang shows up
with a bottle of Dom Perignon.
He comes up with a bottle of Dom,
which made me laugh my balls off.
I got to believe he does what I do.
We all have one that somebody gave us
and we just keep passing it around as a gift.
But Joe List shows up, who's all ripped.
We've created a monster.
This kid used to, you know, he was a fall-down drunk who lived on mac and cheese.
He had the diet of Red Fox, and now he lifts up his shirt.
He's got a nine-pack.
He's always a skinny fuck to begin with, but now he's eating lifts up his shirt he's got a nine pack he's always a skinny fuck to begin with
but now he's eating healthy and taking master shits thanks to the neutral bullet he puts 12
pounds of hay and 60 pounds of nuts in there and then drops a deuce but he's all ripped and shit
but uh he was supposed to bring his girlfriend that was the deal and then jason canter who's
a comedian you might not know because nobody knows who the fuck he is, but he's a good guy, funny guy.
And he comes up with Joe and his girlfriend.
So now his poor girlfriend's there, and there's no other women there.
My wife went to her mother's house up in Connecticut.
So now this poor girl Kate is sitting there,
and I had made a nice sauce and some pasta,
because I know List loves that shit.
So Jason gives some to his girlfriend.
She eats it.
And then I come out and go, do you like that?
I put, you know, I used a nice pork shoulder to flavor the sauce.
She turns like even more pale than she is.
She's like this cute Irish chick, real pale.
And it turns out she was a vegetarian for 20 years until I fucking snuck the pork sauce on her.
Joe list had a good line. He goes, hey, why don't you just slip some Bacardi in my Coke while you're at it,
Nick, because he's been clean and sober now. And so I tried to do that. There's many times
I've thought of doing that to my clean and sober friends. If they ever get on my nerves
and you go, Nick, you'd never do that. Well, don't put it past me. If you're a prick enough
to me, I will fuck up your sobriety in three seconds.
I'll drop a rape drug in your drink.
You'll wake up on the F train with your pants down, bleeding from your eyes.
So, yeah.
She was a vegetarian, hasn't tasted meat in 20 years.
And, come on, the pork, that's what the flavor is.
You heard the guy in Goodfellas.
And then Joe eats like half a pound of pasta pasta himself he inhaled it in like three seconds i never seen anything like it and then joe madderice was there still whining about his america's got
talent raping boy are we getting tired of that fucking story but uh and arty was torturing him
about that arty's like for christ's sake on the on the first episode it looked like you're gonna
run for governor.
Remember he had all his family hugging him and shit at the end?
But, you know, Artie had me crying just busting Matt Aries' balls.
Artie's just sitting there on the couch pretending to watch a game
and throwing out these little comments.
I can't even remember what half of them were,
but, Jesus, we were laughing our asses off.
Matt Aries ate enough for 10 people.
I shit you not.
It's another guy.
He's got negative body fat.
He doesn't even realize he's like naturally cut.
He's got some black blood in him.
There's no doubt about it.
Because you know how the brothers are.
They fucking live on Cheetos and fucking Mountain Dew.
And they have 0.2% body fat.
So he ate like a frigging animal.
Mattarese, I i never seen anything like
and then he got his wife calls him like near the end of the cookout
they have to go to dinner at six o'clock i go you have to be shitting me
but um yeah it was good i did all the cooking love it I had like three Heinekens before they even showed up. I'm running around.
Bubba Burgers?
I'm a fan, okay?
I used to make my own burgers by hand.
Fuck that.
Ever throw Bubba Burgers on the grill?
You go right from frozen to right on the grill?
They're delicious.
I don't care what anybody says.
After three Heinekens, let's be honest.
Chicken wings.
Lloyd's ribs
you ever have those
I know people down south
will be cringing
if they hear this
but they're pre-packaged
you ever have a Lloyd's
the sauce is already
on them and shit
you just wrap them
in tinfoil
put them in your oven
for an hour
fucking delicious
but the sauce was nice
made a nice
nice meat sauce
starting with the pork
you know
cooked it for like two and a half hours the night before and of course But the sauce was nice. Made a nice meat sauce, starting with the pork, you know.
Cooked it for like two and a half hours the night before.
And, of course, the sausage and peppers, which Jason Cantor took home.
I gave him like six sausages left and all the peppers.
So right now he is spray painting the bowl, I'm sure.
Anyways, it was a good day. Went out to throw the football around, but, you know,
I think Artie was the most in shape shape one out there so that lasts about 11 minutes
i kept trying to lead joe list into the pond i wanted him to run and then fall into that pond
so that snapping turtle would take one of his peg legs off but there was all these black bugs out
there there's a million black bugs so we had to go back in the house and i'm always bragging how
we don't have that shit up here because we have bats you know the bats eat the mosquitoes there were mosquitoes
there were black uh i don't know what you call them but there's a million of them they're going
in our mouth and our nose and we never had that stuff between that and the algae in the pond
something eco you know there's something going on ecologically i don't know what it is either
that or it's already hasn't showered in about a week.
Let's blame it on him.
So that lasted about five minutes.
Threw the ball around.
And yeah, that was about it.
Watch some football, you know.
Of course, I had the Pats on.
And boy, did they take a big dump.
But let's not get nervous
because the last time
they opened with a loss,
they won the Super Bowl, I think, in 2003. Belichick, he treats it like a baseball season. He treats
the first game like it's a scrimmage, but they did look dog shit. You know, they get
rid of Logan Mankins, the best lineman we've had since Hogg Hanna, and then Brady was getting
sacked. They had him up under the center instead of from the shot.
I don't know what the hell they were doing.
But the Dolphins put a whipping on him.
Let's be honest.
Let's not talk about that right now.
Let's get into today's festivities.
What's the big story?
Oh, Memphis.
You see the violent attacks in Memphis at the Kroger store.
Three people, two of them teens, are covering after being brutally attacked by a mob of teenagers in a busy shopping plaza in Memphis.
It was caught on cell phone video.
The disturbing video shows a high school kid lying still on the ground.
He's white, by the way.
I'll fill that in for you with the ball-less people who write this shit.
Don't have to.
Repeatedly kicked and stomped on his head by black people, by the way.
Black teens.
He was an employer of Kroger.
Then they hit him with a pumpkin, like a 20-pound pumpkin, after he was already employer of Kroger then they hit him with a pumpkin like a 20 pound pumpkin
after he was already unconscious
okay
they ran through the parking lot
the Poplar Plaza parking lot
assaulting anybody and everybody I guess
it was 100 to 125 kids
naturally
it's weird because you see this on
being filmed on an iPhone.
Well, let me play the audio for you
because this is a black girl.
And I'm going to go out on a limb
and say it's a black girl from listening to her.
Okay?
Your white lips can jump all over me.
But I'm going to say she's a black girl
and she's kind of doing the play-by-play
and sounds really upset at what she's watching.
You can just tell.
Where the hell is that?
In my job, don't eat for life.
All these motherfucking kids.
Fucking hoodwink.
What?
Translator, please.
Ah, they finna fight.
They finna jack.
Hold on.
They got a white dude.
Hold on.
They got a white dude.
Let me get out of the way.
Laughing like they're tickling her fat tits.
Oh, shit.
Wait a minute.
Now she's...
Oh, damn.
Oh, what is Wait a minute! Oh, damn! Oh, damn!
Oh, what is the verdict?
Now she's getting a little upset.
She sees it's a little more serious.
But, well, she has to.
She realizes this is going to be leaked.
And now she realizes what an idiot she sounds like.
Even though she's deep down enjoying it.
And, by the way, I guess out of the 125, there was like one or two whites there.
They said that were, you know, in the pack.
Were they caught up in the pack?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say, I don't know,
if I'm surrounded by 100 young black kids that, you know, are doing a flash mob thing,
I'm going to pretend to be in on it too so I don't get my skull cracked open.
But you see what's going to happen right now. Now the libs have cover because the next time this happens they're going
to go well it's not just a black thing it's not uh you know uh which it predominantly is let's
let's be let's be frank here can we because it's a podcast and um you know but there were like two
i think two white kids in there. So that gives cover.
So it's just a teen problem.
That's how it's going to be presented to you every time it happens from now on.
I guarantee it.
Damn!
What's the parody?
Damn! Damn! that's her she took the it looked like the security guard a black guy
who was saving this white kid uh handed handed her the iphone that's what it looked like the security guard, a black guy who was saving this white kid, handed her the iPhone.
That's what it looked like from the clip.
Anyways, but she's doing the play-by-play.
And then she realizes as she, you know, watches this happen that, you know, she starts criticizing.
Again, I can't quite understand what she's saying, but she starts criticizing the idiots that are doing this.
Oh, my God.
Let me get him, y'all.
Somebody call somebody.
Call somebody. Call somebody.
These stupid-ass kids, bro. Call somebody.
These stupid ass kids, bro.
These stupid ass kids.
I did understand that.
So finally.
But do you see how long it took for her to realize what was going on?
Aye, aye, aye.
What the fuck, folks? What in hell?
They got one of the kids, by the way.
They got a black kid in custody.
But there were black victims, too.
So that makes it all right, I guess. You know what I'm saying?
And that's how these punks will cover their ass.
They'll make sure they suck a punch of their own.
And that way, you know, it can't be a hate crime, can it?
I'm sure Eric Holder is right on this, though, as we speak, right?
I'm sure he will do an investigation.
Because I'm sure he'll see that it's a hate crime, right?
Don't make me fucking laugh.
Ah, boy.
There was a witness says the clip is just a tiny snapshot
of what happened in the entire parking lot.
He states blacks, whites, girls and boys were all part of the vicious pack.
Yeah, right.
I want to see a breakdown.
I want to see a breakdown.
Because we're so obsessed with diversity.
I'm sure they, you know.
Were all of the victims white?
Asked WREG's Elise Prestise preston no they were black and white
will is white brian is black and then my other friend brandon he's black as well replied the
witness the witness identified uh that teen as another kroger employee knocked unconscious
after he tried to stop the mob from attacking customers. They were just attacking customers and shit.
I'm just saying,
pack heat, folks.
That's all.
In certain cities,
pack heat.
I guess this is like the second time
this witness has seen this happen, too.
That's what freaked him out.
It's the second weekend in a row
he's witnessed a mob of violent kids attack random
people and the shopping plaza parking lot but you watch from from here on it'll be a teen problem
police need help identifying the attackers if you have any information you're asked to call Crime Stoppers at 528-CASH.
Something wrong with that, too. Jesus Christ.
Cash.
But again,
we'll see
Eric Holder. We'll see if I'm sure
he's on it, and I'm sure there'll be hate crimes.
Right? Brought against this kid.
Or kids.
Don't make me laugh.
Ugh. What the hell, man?
What the hell's going on out here?
Exactly, Vince.
Exactly.
Could you think of a more cowardly frickin' act?
Honestly, though.
Huh?
We outnumber people 125 to 1.
Let's pick. They were pointing and then trying to knock people out.
It's called slow motion riot, folks.
It's a race riot that's been going on since the, I don't know, 60s.
It's called slow motion riot because it doesn't all happen at once,
although it's picking up momentum with each one of these attacks.
But my cop buddy, uh, told me about that, that, uh, term slow motion riot in like 1990.
You know, he's, he'd been in cop down in Miami for 30 years and has seen everything and been
in shootouts and whatnot, but it's slow motion riot.
Why people don't realize they're in a race war.
Just happening a little bit at a time.
And boy, hasn't this president really brought us together, huh?
The great uniter.
And friggin' Holder.
I guarantee you, Holder jerks off the footage like this.
Sits home and he laughs.
I fucking guarantee it.
Scumbag.
That was in Memphis.
You know.
It's crazy, huh?
Social media.
What people use it for.
Middle East.
They overthrow governments.
These kids like to bum rush a mall and leave with sneakers.
It's done a lot of good, hasn't it?
I mean, other than fucking email and porn,
please help me understand what it's for.
Could you please?
I don't know, black people.
And as I talk to you about this,
Ray Rice, the Baltimore Raven running back,
you remember him when he knocked his girlfriend out this past winter in an elevator in Atlantic City
and there was footage of him just dragging her out of the elevator?
Well, at 4 a.m. this morning, TMZ leaked a video of what happened inside the elevator. You actually see him, you know, hit his wife with a left hook.
He gets, she gets in his face and starts like coming at him.
And he just, you know, just does the, I mean, just a horrible,
horrible thing.
And I ranted about this,
right?
Remember?
Because they only gave him two games originally,
but now they actually see it.
And,
uh,
they actually,
uh,
one of these days,
pow,
right in the kitchen.
Oh,
oh,
oh,
bang,
soon. I'm going to the moon. that's not funny um yeah so now they have footage of it remember you get suspended only two games and and i couldn't believe and i'm not you know i'm not an ardent feminist here by any stretch
of the imagination but i couldn't believe the balls on the NFL and Roger Goodell
to give the guy only two games.
That should be a year minimum, you know?
So what happened was this video got leaked by TMZ at 4 in the morning,
like I said.
So now the NFL is like, wow, we hadn't seen it up till today.
And apparently that might be bullshit.
Peter King, who writes a sports illustrated and covers the NFL, said that there was evidence
that the NFL had seen the whole thing, not just him dragging her out of the elevator,
but it actually seemed what went on inside the actual punch to the face.
So that's going to be a big scandal now.
Again, this news just broke a
little while ago and uh but he has been cut by the ravens suspended indefinitely which you know you
could you could argue that should happen the first time i mean give me a freaking break
so uh but think about the logic here so the n NFL's like, yeah, we know,
we know he knocked her out,
but we had to see it.
That's the mentality
now in this country.
You gotta see it
or it didn't really happen.
That started,
you know when that mentality
took hold after
the Rodney King beating?
Remember?
Because those cops
were on video after that, it was like when the when the oj thing
happened they were like wow there's no there's no you know the people who were defending oj like
there's no i'm not talking about the lawyers and stuff you know the the public the people who would
find things oh defending oj saying well we don't have it on videotape that was that that's when
that took hold that mentality that we actually actually have to have it on camera.
But they knew.
The NFL knew.
I mean, what did they think?
How did they think he knocked her out?
Would it even matter how he knocked her out in the elevator?
You know what I mean?
What did he do?
Were they doing whippets?
So now that they see it, they're like, oh, no.
This is what the NFL is thinking.
We actually knew that you knocked her out and how you did it.
But holy shit, now the whole world knows.
We can't.
Now, you know, now the NFL has to cover their ass.
Because the whole world.
Because it's an ugly thing.
I mean, it.
But the point is, they knew that he knocked her out before this.
So what you're saying is you have to see it now.
But the point of the thing is, is the whole world sees it now.
So the NFL and Goodell, now they have to cover, they have no choice, but they kick this guy out of the league.
And what happens now?
Do you, do you actually pick them up?
Somebody actually brought that up on ESPN a few minutes ago.
Is there another team out there? out to even thinking that is another is there another team out
that it has it has the balls and i'm like well of course i mean ray lewis ray lewis ran from a
stabbing ended up at the super bowl with blood all over his clothes he's on the espn all the time
so don't think some coach isn't you you know, I mean, come on.
There's guys on there.
There's guys playing now who I think have been charged with domestic violence
and guns and whatever else.
So how far can you lower the bar?
What team?
This is going to be interesting.
Is there a team?
I know I'm trying to think like Barry Switzer back in the day at Oklahoma
and those University of Miami teams.
They wouldn't think twice about grabbing a guy.
But this is the NFL, and does anybody have the balls?
You know, Ray Rice's wife, you know, tweeted a few months back
that she regretted being involved,
and they actually get married after it happened.
You know?
But now that, it's just funny to me,
now that people have seen the actual punch,
somehow that makes it worse.
We knew he didn't choke her out.
We knew he didn't tickle her
until she fainted in the elevator.
So now the NFL has to cover their ass.
I'm just dying to see what psycho team.
If Al Davis was alive for the Raiders, he'd scoop him up tomorrow.
That's what he used to do in the 70s.
I think he used to go through the police blotter,
and that's how he got half his team.
He loved outlaws.
But this is just a cowardly act.
And it's too bad because i was a ray rice fan he always seemed well spoken and and always did the right thing with a community and
dedicated and and undersized guy who made it out of a relatively small school rutgers and and um
he's from right up here on this neck of the woods by by the way. And I just, you know, I was a fan, but you're gone, brother.
I don't know who's going to, maybe he'll end up in Canada.
I mean, this guy's radioactive right now.
I don't know what team would have the balls, but it's the NFL.
If somebody picks him up, they're saying, they are literally saying, you know, it's all about winning.
I don't know who gives a shit.
But like I said, there's people in this league I think that are playing right now.
If you look at their records, I'm sure have done something as bad, if not worse.
So, good Jesus.
It's funny.
I just went on the computer right before I went on here and saw that.
I didn't even know.
I was running around doing other stuff.
So Ray Rice, Gonzo, and Les, again, somebody dumb enough.
I'm trying to think who the...
We picked up a few bad apples, the Patriots.
But no, not after Aaron Hernandez.
I don't think the Pats would dare.
And you say, why are you talking about the Pats?
Well, you know, I'm a Boston guy, so.
But what do you think, folks?
Is somebody stupid enough to do that?
Boy, the character, think about the character
of the average nfl player
today as compared to back in the 50s or whatever i know they weren't saints but you know
think about it fucking hardened criminals not all of them obviously but uh he could be finished for good. He could. Jerry Jones, would he be crazy enough?
After the way they played against the 49ers yesterday, the Cowboys,
Romo must have been hurt.
He even looked bad for Romo.
I was actually going, maybe he's a lefty.
That's how bad he was throwing.
God, he was terrible.
By the way, I'm in that pool again.
All my friends and family, about 150 people.
I had a total of five right going into tonight.
Naturally, I had Denver given seven and a half.
By the way, I literally picked the teams out of a hat.
It's the first week.
You have no idea who's what.
So I literally crumbled up, wrote all the teams down in paper, crumbled them up, put them in a hat it's it's the first week you have no idea who's what so i literally crumbled
up wrote all the teams down and paper crumble them up put them in a hat have my wife pick them up
got five going into tonight
it's the last time i do that even though it's a total crapshoot
um so yeah, Ray Rice, Memphis.
Goodell admits that he fucked up the first time by giving him only two games.
But I'm dying to find out what Peter King knows.
And Peter King, the Sports Illustrated guy that covers the NFL,
saying that the, uh, back in July, the league had reviewed the elevator video
and the league has not disputed that report.
An NFL spokesman didn't respond to inquiries on Monday morning
about whether any of the league's investigators
who do not work in the office had previously seen the video.
office had previously seen the video.
That was the, I mean, you got to give them anybody.
And now they're talking about, I think Goodell came out and said,
now you'll get six games.
Goodell, there was a wide discretion to penalize plays for violating the league's personal conduct policy was criticized given rice only two games but
where's the part here where
they're talking about here we go he's good dell said in the future any nfl employee including
non-players would be suspended for six games for a first offense of domestic violence.
Even to me, in the politically correct times that we live in, even that seems a little soft.
And a minimum of a year for a second offense.
I would think for a second offense, you'd be booted out of the league altogether. But then again, that shows you, I mean,
the quality of person in the NFL, I guess.
If they made it any more harsh than that,
there'd be nobody left.
So yeah, keep your ears open for more to that story.
That could be a big, you know,
how the cover-up is worse than the crime.
If the NFL knew and saw,
again, though, what's the fucking difference?
He knocked her out.
Now that you've seen it,
you either believed it or you didn't at the beginning.
What the hell's going on out here?
I don't know, Vince. I don't know. What the hell's going on out here?
I don't know, Vince.
I don't know.
We need... We need a voice for the black people.
We need a voice.
Somebody that can pull them together.
My dad, I talked to him about all this stuff,
the Kroger attack and the Ray Rice and stuff.
He just, it's funny, my old man's 79.
He doesn't know what to make of it.
He just, it's funny, my old man's 79.
He doesn't know what to make of it.
I'll tell you, they should listen to this guy,
my favorite pastor in the country, Pastor Manning.
I think he's out of Atlanta.
He's a black preacher.
And let's listen to what he has to say so I'm here today to tell you when I got
saved I got saved from being an African-American don't call me that that's not what I am now you
can be what all you want but I'm not sounds like an African-American sounds like Keith Robinson and African America. And not only did I
get saved
and entered out of creation
and the Achilles heel of God
and into the void
of God, well I should never be lost again.
And into the presence
of my Lord and my
Savior who has trusted
me with his word.
I no longer am an African American. Don't call me
and don't expect me to act like you. I'm not one of you. Not. Not only am I not an African American,
but I'm not a black man. Don't call me that either. I used to be. But can I tell you what it was like when I was a black man?
Can I tell you, will you let me?
When I was a black man.
I'm guessing he does one sermon a day.
Are you shitting me?
His voice, his vocal cords must look like Bobby Slayton's after a night of coke.
Christ, can you imagine doing three masses a day?
Listen to the strain on his throat.
And, you know, it's all about race with this guy.
Does he realize he's crazy?
I think that might make some good sense here, though.
This sermon is about him formerly being a black guy.
But then, well, here you go.
I was a typical black man I was a card-carrying black man I was a good black man I like 70% of all other black
men I deserted my children I did that's right Because that's what black men do.
I walked out the house with my two little babies.
Yes, I did.
I walked out on them and their mother.
And I... All due respect, he's generalizing.
Not all black men do this.
Imagine if a white guy was saying this shit.
He'd be in some deep shit, Pastor.
He's generalizing.
Not all black guys walk out on their kids.
About 78%.
Left them to root little pig or die.
I was a black man.
I was a black man.
And I thought nothing about how they were going to eat.
I thought nothing of how she had to toil and what she had to do.
Hold on, I've got to Google toil.
Hmm, to struggle.
Heartache that she experienced when I walked out on our marriage and i closed the door on our
relationship and i devoted my children of the experience of their father's voice in the house
said tonight i was a black man because that's what black men do. That is a stereotype you're generalizing.
This guy's, I don't know, this is too much tension.
I need something to loosen the mood.
Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife.
I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says.
Why, he asks.
Don't you have a vase?
spread my legs now she says why he asks don't you have a vase 70% and growing it's what black men do I deserted my children I was the black man in honor so
when you don't you ever call me again don't you call me a black man because I'm not. When I got saved, when I got saved,
I got saved from the black man's mentality. I not only deserted my children, but I lied,
smoked weed, snorted coke. When I think about the ounces of
marijuana
that I have bought
and I wait
over against
the clothes I bought for my children
or the food I put
on the table
there was a black man
yeah yeah
breaking open ounces of marijuana for me and my friends There was a black man. Yeah, yeah.
Breaking open ounces of marijuana for me and my friends and my whores on the table.
And we smoked until we couldn't smoke anymore.
Because I was a black man. But yet I put no food on the table for my children because that's what black men do.
Again, flagrant foul.
Generalizing.
Generalizing.
Is he generalizing?
I mean, if a white fella said this, oh my God, hell to pay.
Goodness gracious.
Let's listen to some more of the stylings of Pastor Manning.
He's got one of those three names, David, Paul, whatever.
And they don't want to hear the truth.
About who they are.
Take your seats.
When I recognize.
I don't want to be a black man.
I don't want to be a nigga either.
But I don't want to be a black man.
I don't want to be African American.
I don't want to be one of y'all.
I told God. I told God I told God
I said to my Lord
When I came to my senses
What the hell's going on out there
I said what can I do
It's too late now for my children
It's too late
It's too late Lord
It's about 5 o'clock
The hunger that they felt
because I wasn't there to provide for them,
they're never going to forget it,
though they get great meals now.
They're never going to forget that hunger.
And my wife at that time,
she's never going to ever trust another man again.
In her innocence, she trusted me.
Trust me, Pastor, you can do a lot less than you did and not have your wife ever trust you again.
Take my word on that one.
In her innocence, she brought forth children for me.
But I was a black man.
Say it loud.
I'm black and I'm proud.
Say it loud. And in black and I'm proud. Say it loud.
And end that.
Wait a minute.
Are you proud to be black or not?
You've been denying it for the first 10 minutes of the speech.
I'm confused.
I'm getting mixed signals here.
I walked out and deserted her and my own children.
And deserted her and my own children.
And so I would say to the Lord, what can erase this pain?
What can wipe away my sin?
I can't go back and undo those hungry nights.
I can't go back and undo that loneliness that my wife at the time felt. I can't go back and undo those hungry nights. I can't go back and undo that loneliness that my wife at the time felt.
I can't go back.
I can't.
I can't go back and deal with all the things that was in her heart.
What can I do to wipe away my sin?
Can I give my right arm?
Can I?
If I cut off my, and I'll give it. i'll give it because i'm in pain i'm hurting lord i'm hurting lord i'm hurting i was a black man i listened
you could cut it off do it before they have to do it because of diabetes
black people i listen to black preachers i listen to black preachers. I listen to black politicians.
I was a black man, but I'm hurting, Lord. I'm hurting. What can I do to get this hurt
off of me? What can I do? What can I do? I'm hurting. I'm hurting.
Will you want my right arm? I'll give it. No problem. Cut it off. Take it now. Take it now. I'll give it.
If it will ease my pain.
Because I was a black man.
Yeah.
Sure I was.
I was a black man.
Who won't give my arm.
And the Lord said, no, that won't do.
All right, that's enough.
Before this guy totally takes all his own limbs. The message was he was a black man
and did all those things,
but now I don't know what he is now.
I didn't listen to the end of the speech.
I think he's Hawaiian and Irish.
I don't know.
There was some good messages in there
about, you know, taking care of your kids,
and he admitted he didn't do any of that
and smoke weed and did drugs and shit.
You know,
starts with the family folks,
what else,
what else in the news today,
and the racially tainted news,
high school girl taunted, beaten at bus stop,
for acting too much like a white person,
oh my god, girl taunted, beaten at bus stop for acting too much like a white person. Oh my God.
A 16-year-old high school girl in Rock Hill, South Carolina, told police that another high
school girl taunted her on a school bus and then beat her up after she got off the bus.
The assailant allegedly was angry at the victim because she was behaving too much like a white
person.
Both the alleged attacker and the victim are black, reports the state.
That's a Colombian newspaper in South Carolina.
In an interview with the police, the victim claimed that there has been an ongoing feud
between the two girls for over a year.
The victim described herself as a light-skinned black female, according to the state.
She said the other student, who has darker skin, had made fun of her and challenged her to a fight on prior occasions, but she refused.
The victim said she had again refused to fight her alleged bully on Thursday, but then got beat up anyway.
Hempel noted that the school bus bully taunted the girl.
That's a friend of the victim.
Taunted the girl all last year as well.
It was so bad last year they had to have a police car here when the bus let out.
Can you friggin' imagine it gets to that point?
Where are the fuckin' adults?
That's right, they're not in the picture, once again.
Guarantee it.
Guarantee it.
They had to have a cop car at the bus stop.
There was a similar story here in New York.
This little Hispanic kid was getting picked on by this black teenager.
A friend of his, actually.
He's a couple years older than him.
This kid was, I don't know, 14, 16, I don't know.
But the Hispanic kid ended up shooting his friend.
Shooting or stabbing,
killing the kid.
Hmm.
Police have described the altercation
as an assault, battery,
and disorderly conduct
in a school setting.
However, they have not been able
to find the alleged attacker.
Now, how is that possible?
You're going to be shitting me.
Wow.
I used to, I got beat up for being too black, acting too black.
When I was in middle school, I used to show up in a fur coat at the bus station.
With a bottle of gin and a Malcolm X lunchbox and a purple suit and a pack of Kohl's,
and my friends would just taunt the shit out of me,
saying, who do you think you are?
You're Italian, man.
But that goes on a lot.
Colin Quinn went to school in Brooklyn
with a very, you know, diverse, huge high school,
and he said they used to go on all the time. Darker-sk with a very, you know, diverse, huge high school. And he said they used to go on all the time.
Darker skinned black people, you know, making fun of the white kids for studying.
I mean, making fun of black kids who studied and carry the book saying they're acting too.
And it hasn't changed.
It still goes on now.
What the fuck?
Somebody.
Pass to help.
So I'm here today to tell you when I got saved, I got saved from being an African American.
Don't call me that.
That's not what I am.
Now you can be one all you want.
But I'm not an African American.
American not only did I
get saved
and entered out of creation
and the Achilles heel of God
and into the void
of God well I should never be lost again
and into the presence
of my Lord
we get it
we get it
anyways We get it. Anyways.
Yesterday was the opening of the NFL.
Well, Thursday night was, I guess, officially.
Who even played Thursday?
That's what I'm saying.
I already forgot.
Oh, yeah, that was Seattle putting a whipping on the Packers.
Good luck beating the fucking Ravens, huh?
Not the Ravens.
I mean the Seahawks.
What am I saying? They remind me of the Ravens. I mean the Seahawks. What am I saying?
They remind me of the Ravens.
Without the wife beaters.
Yeah, the Seahawks look as tough as ever.
But, yeah, I had all the boys over.
I have the, you know, Sunday ticket.
Flipping around.
Joe Matariz kept asking if we could flip over to the eagles game eagles
and panthers can you think of a less yeah there's a rivalry goes back to uh april of what 2007
a lot of tradition and what a storied history that rivalry has
but the pats brady was every time we every time I turned around, he was getting buried.
They got a lot of work to do.
But you know what?
I'm telling you.
You know how that division is.
I guess the Jets beat the Raiders.
Raiders haven't won a game on the East Coast since, I don't know,
Al Davis was 11.
So how bad are the Raiders again? God damn. You know, a few years
ago, teams would suck for three or four seasons and then turn it around. But the Raiders have
sucked forever, haven't they? These teams just don't excite me. The Titans and shit.
I guess I'm too old school. There's certain matchups I don't even care. But, you know, if you know me, I'm a college, more of a college fan.
And I always do this.
I DVR'd, like, I don't know, eight games on Saturday while I was doing stuff.
And, you know, there's no way you can watch that many games.
The thing that sucks, you'll be watching a game, recording another one,
and right in the middle of a game, all of a sudden they go,
let's throw it to Jim in the studios,
and it'll be Notre Dame's up over Michigan, 21-0,
and you're like, fuck, I was taping that.
I actually, my friends laugh at me, I actually put blue tape,
you know that blue tape you put up when you paint
to keep the paint from getting on the molding and all that shit?
I put that across the bottom of my TV to block the scores that are going by.
You know, the scrawl at the bottom.
By the way, that started with 9-11.
That crawl at the bottom where the scores go by.
And that all started with 9-11 because we wanted to know what was going on and everything.
Then ESPN adopted.
It is the worst.
Does that annoy anybody else besides me?
I'll be watching a goddamn game and it'll say, you know, whatever.
Boston Celtics, and I'll look down and it'll say, you know,
somebody had a hamstring pull.
And they'll fucking, I'll read that 11 times in the next five minutes.
Just give us back our whole screen.
You know what that's all about, right?
That's about fantasy.
Fantasy leagues and shit.
You can keep track of, you know, who rushed for what.
And it keeps people glued to the TV, doesn't it?
It works beautifully.
NFL has it figured out, man.
What a marketing machine.
I wish I had put them in charge of my career, whoever is in charge
of marketing.
If I'd done that,
I wouldn't be playing
bananas in Hasbro Heights
and looking forward to it.
No offense.
Great clip.
Anyways.
What were the big upsets?
I don't even have the scores
in front of me.
That's how little I give a shit.
Tonight, you get the Giants and the
Lions. Ooh, another matchup.
Was that ever a good game?
Ever? Even in the day?
When Alex Karras used to
scramble to tackle Y.A. Tittle?
Double-headed tonight. And then again,
the NFL is making that mistake
of just overexposing its sport,
even though it's the most popular thing alive.
But you get two games tonight.
You got one on Thursday.
They're still going to run it into the ground
until you get sick of it. That's what they did
with me. Nobody was a bigger NFL fan than
I was. Now I'm a huge college fan.
Best game, one of the best
games of the weekend was Virginia Tech
going into Ohio State for you college
fans out there. going into Ohio State,
I think it was like the biggest crowd ever at the horse show,
107,000 plus.
Can you imagine?
It's like your second game of the season at Ohio State.
Virginia Tech not even ranked.
Ohio State ranked eighth, I think, going into that game.
And the Virginia Tech Hokies and Frank Beamer,
guy's the best, man, the Beamer.
Pull-offs are huge.
I think it was the upset of the weekend.
Notre Dame kicked the living shit out of Michigan.
That's the last time those two teams are going to play
because of whatever, the realignment of the divisions.
I guess this goes on, you know,
because they were going over the history of that rivalry,
and that's what happens.
I thought that was just a new thing, but you'll play a team for like 25 years,
and then you won't play them for 20 years, and then life goes on,
and then you end up playing them again in 20 years.
But what other big games were there?
I don't know.
Florida beat the shit out of some crippled team.
The team they were playing got, 500 grand to play them.
And don't you love that one?
Like a division three school plays in Nebraska
and Nebraska pays them for five,
literally $400,000 to play them or whatever.
Oh, that was the game.
McNeese State.
McNeese State, a little school out of Louisiana,
almost beat Nebraska in Nebraska.
Abdullah, their great running back,
ended up making an unbelievable run or whatever
with about a minute left to beat McNeese State.
But I like it when these big schools pay a little shitty school
like four or five hundred grand.
It's just enough to cover the medical expenses
because, you know, they need like a MASH unit.
They need one of those helicopters that they put you on when you're in
critical condition to get back to their campus.
You see half the defensive backs are in wheelchairs,
and the 500 grand might cover the cost.
But that was an unbelievable game.
McNeese State almost beat Nebraska.
And there was another close one like that.
And if I was really prepared, I'd have all the shit right in front of me.
But let's be honest.
I've made $11.50 doing this in almost a year.
You get what you pay for.
But I just find it a much cleaner game.
And I just absolutely love college football.
It's tremendous.
Just the USC cheerleaders.
That was a hell of a game.
USC-Stanford.
I think Stanford was rated 13th, USC 14th.
It was at Stanford.
Stanford's won the last, like, five meetings, I think.
And USC looks like, whoo-hoo, they are not playing games this year.
Because when you go up to Stanford and beat Stanford,
Stanford made a lot of penalties, shot themselves in the foot,
or did I say made a lot of penalties?
How gay was that?
They made a couple of touchdowns, and then they scored some kicks.
Yeah, they played real sloppy for a Stanford team.
Those guys, they're not just great athletes at Stanford.
It's like, you you know they have like uh
degrees in molecular engineering and all kinds of shit but uh usc that was just a 14 13 i think
was a fine it was just a great game just a great game 10 10 with like five minutes left vicious
hitting just just controlled violence but tremendous cheerleaders with big delicious
tits and strong muscular legs
i mean holy fucking moly am i right hankstra mr official let me ask you something
how can six of you miss a play like that huh oh six the ball jumped out of there as soon as we
made contact i thought you were talking about you being on the field now what oh my god have you ever seen yeah i'm gonna tell you right now google
by the way oregon i might have told you oregon has the hottest cheerleaders or the
hottest outfits there was designed by a prostitute out of detroit i mean just just go online just
google oregon duck cheerleaders and then uh know, call me from the emergency room when you're having your dick sewed back on.
Holy fucking moly.
And then USC cheerleaders.
If you don't have bigger than a C-plus cup, they kick you off the campus.
They have these little white skirts on, and they kick their legs up as they go into a commercial.
What, I'm not going to pause that for the next 20 minutes like a psycho?
Man, now you know my secrets. But, yeah, it's a much cleaner game, I'm not going to pause that for the next 20 minutes like a psycho? Now you know my secrets.
But, yeah, it's a much cleaner game, I find.
Who the hell else in the top 10?
I can't even keep track, man.
Penn State won, I believe.
Didn't they?
Anyways, BC got the shit kicked out of them by Pitt.
Pitt has a running back named connor
he weighs 250 pounds but he runs like he's 510 185 and until you go to tackle him and then he
lowers his head uh i mean it was like halfway through the first quarter you could see bc
didn't want any part of this kid they'd run run a belly up the middle, four yards on a cloud of dust.
He would carry about three, four BC players with him.
I don't know.
They're a type of team, BC, they get better as the year goes on.
But I don't know.
They have to get a lot better than they did.
And they have a quarterback, this kid Murphy,
who originally played at Florida, so you know he's pretty good.
He's not a good passer, though,
but he can scramble like a son of a gun,
and I think they should rely on that a lot more.
Anyways, don't want to bore you with any more sports,
although some of you love it on Twitter.
You're like me.
You like this shit.
That's about it, kids.
Again, thanks so much for all the well wishes on Twitter
and all your support.
Me and the wife appreciate it.
Plugs.
Doing something for WPLR.
I don't know.
It's in Seymour, Connecticut on the 20th.
That's kind of a private thing, though.
Zaney's in Chicago on the 25th.
And then Zaney's in Rosemont on the 26th and 27th.
That's right outside of Chicago, I'm guessing.
I hope.
That's what my agent told me.
Lamp bastard.
And then comics at Foxwoods, October 9th through 11th.
And Laugh Boston, October 16th through 18th.
That's back-to-back weekends.
And then the 23rd, the Seneca Casino in Niagara Falls.
That's October.
That's a busy October for me.
November, the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey.
The Brokerage in Belmore, Long Island.
The Stress Factory is 6, 7, and 8 of November.
The Brokerage is the 14th and 15th in Belmore.
And Uncle Vinny's Point Pleasant on the 22nd of November,
which is always fun.
Jerry and his brother.
Two of my favorites,
Jerry and Dino.
Good place to work shit out.
Nicest guys in the world.
So come see me
if you're in the Chicago area
on 25 through 27.
All right, kids.
Got a new way to close the show now to show you how much I appreciate you.
That old song that I put together.
Here we go.
I love you for helping me to construct my life.
Not a tavern, but a temple.
but a temple.
I love you because you have done so much to make me happy.
You have done it without a word,
without a touch,
without a sign.
You have done it by just being yourself.
Perhaps, after all, that is what love means.
And that is why I love you.
Good night, everybody. Bye-bye. guitar solo Bye.