The Nick DiPaolo Show - 047 - Dark, Dark Times

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

Dark, Dark Times

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code again, Nick, N-I-C-K. Squarespace, a better web starts with your website. It really does. What's up, kids? what's going on since i last talked to you a lot of stuff it's just a dark dark time to be alive isn't it just read the headlines of the drudge report which they pull headlines from you know thousands and thousands of websites and it's just it's almost like uh you're like really what is this some type of horror movie people i guess

always think that they're living in dark times but mother of god between ebola isis domestic violence pedophilia just all this happy horseshit it's really a weird time to be alive god i'm wearing these glasses i have these reading glasses uh stacy lang arty's sister gave these to me when we had the nick and arty show it's funny because they don't really go with my face i look like a big bang theory fan by the way not that i'm shitting on that show that jim parsons guy seems like a nice guy. I've seen him on talk shows and all that. I'm just saying. But these glasses. God, I can't get. I must be, I don't know, a little vain.

Because my eyes, you know. Everywhere I go, I don't have my reading glasses with me. And it's embarrassing, man. I go to a restaurant. If the lighting at the table isn't a if there's an if the lighting at the table isn't like an operating room i can't see the menu and i'm holding it like 11 feet from my face i have my wife like 20 feet across the restaurant and the only way i can see it which makes me farsighted i guess it's kind of stupid too because one of my closest friends

from college is a very successful optometrist in the boston area it's just that i never go home but uh he would take care of me but uh yeah i have these on now on the tip of my nose i really do look like a founding father a psycho here um but what has happened in the weeks since i've seen you. What do I do? I have no social life. I'm a real homebody. I think you know that. A lot of my fans realize that.

I always get these things on Twitter. When are you coming out to California? When are you coming to Denver? San Antonio? And I'm like, I've done those clubs years ago. I just, you know, I don't want to take any flights where I have to connect with another flight especially with the ebola skin i'll get to that story in a few minutes apparently that's

worse than uh you know they're making it out to be or it's not i don't know anytime you hear things being blown out of proportion it's's usually about dollars, isn't it? But what I do. Friday night, Amy Schumer had a party on the roof of her building. Apparently she's moving to a different part of the city. This is way down in the village. And it's just hilarious you should see me in my freaking car trying to find a parking spot in new york you talk about bringing the worst out of me she lives you know you just have to be in new york city to appreciate lower manhattan it gets real

the the island gets real narrow the further south you go. And so parking gets more difficult. And I find a building down there. And there's a parking spot right in front of a building. But the street's so narrow and there's cars parked on both sides of it. There's a spot right there. But I couldn't parallel park. I couldn't pull into that spot without, because it was, I couldn't cut the wheel without the front of my car. Clipping a car that's parked on the right-hand side of the street.

But I'm trying anyways. And all of a sudden, I look at my rearview mirror. There's a sanitation truck fucking like three feet behind me leaning on the horn. I just always ask myself, does this shit go on in Oklahoma, Ohio? It just turns into a stress-filled friggin'. And luckily, I had a couple Heinekens before I left the house, but I got the sanitation guys leaning on the friggin' horn,

and then I made, you know, a gesture out my window. I didn't give them the finger. You don't do that to sanitation guys in New York because, let's put it this way, they have a lot of relatives in high places, and they don't play games. But, yeah, I made them wait for like three minutes and still

couldn't get into this freaking spot and uh then drove around finally found a spot and uh it's funny i don't even know where i am i have no sense of direction down there in the village in new york i'm great you know uh i'm great as far as like, you know, midtown or uptown where it's just, it's streets that run horizontal and then you got the boulevards running north and south. It's a big grid, but all that goes away down in the village. So I'm driving around and then I'm just like taking lefts and rights

and then there's dead ends and I'm like, Jesus Christ. And I'm like, I must be two miles from her building now. I get out, and I look at my phone. This is how I have no sense of direction. I actually use my phone to find out where, you know, it starts pinging where I am in relation to her building. And it turns out I was like, you know, like a tenth of a mile, right around the corner.

I had no idea, though. Bit of a moron when it comes to that shit. Anyways, and yeah, so found a building. It was great. Up on the roof, and, you know, with the wind, let's say it was minus 11, but it was good. Just went there, and a bunch of funny people there tell showed up already lying in his sister Dan Soder a tell I just mentioned who the hell else Vanessa Bayer from SNL I guess his

friends with Amy and a whole bunch of people Jim Florentine and his wife who's very good looking by the way both of them are good looking couple. And Jimmy was shooting his special actually the next night, this past Saturday night, I guess he did it somewhere in New Brunswick, which is basically the campus of Rutgers. So he was shooting his special and Penn State was playing Rutgers. They had like a record crowd. So I think that was a good thing. I haven't talked to Jimmy since. I'm guessing maybe it sucked away a lot of the drunken idiots.

Or maybe it went just the opposite. And who the hell else? Jeff Ross. I think Todd Barry came in later. And, you know, she had all this food delivered. That's the thing about New York City. It's all these sandwiches like brisket and shit. Just the most delicious stuff you've ever tasted just sitting there for free.

A bunch of booze. Saw like 30 bottles of wine and vodka. Amy Schumer is a cool broad. Let me say that. She's just funny, you know me i don't say that too often about too many chicks but she is just plain funny and uh i'm sad that she's moving because i'd like to go on a bunch a bunch more parties on that roof and uh you know how it is and um from 9 to 12 then right at midnight i just was like i gotta get the hell out of here and what worries me about that leaving that neighborhood because

it's not far from where we did the nick and artie show down there and i remember when i used to leave there on thursday on thursday nights this was friday night but on thursday night the cops had set up one of those dui roadblocks on a street that heads towards the West Side Highway, which I have to get on. And so, you know, legally, I don't know, I think I ate enough food. I probably wasn't fucked up legally, but anyways, got on the highway. Oh, that's the other thing. It's so, I'm afraid it's midnight, right? I get on the West Side Highway. That runs along the Hudson River for you people who don't, on the West Side of New York City. And I'm thinking I'll be home, and, you know, I live for about 40 miles.

And I get on the West Side Highway, and, again, it's after midnight, and it's bumper to bumper. And there's an intersection on the West Side Highway like every 100 yards. And they used to synchronize the lights. They were all sync in other words one turn green they'd all be green and you could go you could go if you went fast enough through the intersections you could go about a half mile at a clip but now of course nanny state they they have them uh you know alternating between red and green so you'd go to the next one and it would you know it would turn red and then uh just so you know you had to go to intersection at next one and it would turn, you know, it would turn red and then, just so,

you know, you had to go to an intersection at a time and it took me for fucking ever to get home. Other than that, it's one of the few

social events I've gone to in the last, I don't know, however. And thank you, by the way, again,

you fans on Twitter for supporting me and the wife, the family tragedy. My wife's doing better but she still has her days, you know. Very hard for her. She's tough, though. She's tough.

The hell you guys want to talk about first? All this, I don't know. Oh, yeah, the Ebola. Let's talk about dark news. The U.S. State Department has has ordered 160 000 hazmat suits for ebola that's promising news huh prompting concerns that the federal government is anticipating the rapid spread of a virus that has already claimed an unprecedented number of lives yeah again i brought this up on one of the previous shows it's killing people you know in west africa in these villages where they they don't even have

any fucking running water you know they don't even know the concept of dehydration if you're wiping your ass with bark and shitting into holes on the ground yeah i wonder why it's gonna kill you i gotta believe we can fend this stuff off but uh you know you don't know who to believe that's the thing with the friggin internet you know if you read enough stories on ebola or anything else you get 19 conflicting views and it's not just your average asshole putting his opinion in it's like the state department and and actual doctors who study this stuff. You don't know what to freaking believe. But it does make you a little nervous when you have to get on a plane every couple weeks like I do.

I remember I was sitting on a plane. I'll never forget this. Not too long ago either. Guy's like three rows in front of me. I'm already sitting down. He throws his stuff up in the overhead compartment. Sits down. He's got like an open sore on the back of his neck.

It was like, I would say about three inches in diameter. And it had all this like sob on it. But it was wide open. And I see him leaning back on his, you know, on his chair and his headrest thing. And then leaning forward. And I'm like, it's kind of the people that's directly behind it must be being grossed out because it's open sore touching the friggin the seat you know and i'm sure oh they clean those planes thoroughly you're gonna connect in flight they

heard those people i'll throw you on but it does make you wonder but with you know eboli is supposed to the only way you can get it is through you know close contacts not airborne but again i read some stuff today where they think it's going to be airborne maybe it's just self-locking newspapers i don't know but um you know if you exchange saliva blood a lot of it gets spread over and and these uh in west africa you know dead bodies. They handle dead bodies that are infected instead of just burning them. So, yeah. So the State Department owns 160,000 suits, which makes you wonder. Although the State Department has announced that it's planning a surge of emergency medical personnel into Western Africa,

only 1,400 federal workers are currently in the region, suggesting that the 160,000 figure is far higher than what would be required merely for sending medical workers abroad. In a related story, sources from within the Department of Defense have questioned why the Obama administration is implementing a military response to the Ebola epidemic when U.S. aid and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are already involved in relief efforts. Leave it to Obama. When there's wars going on, like in Syria, you know, or the Ukraine, you know, we sent

them like MREs, you know, those are meals, military meals, ready to eat. Instead of actually sending weapons to like, to support the rebels in Syria. But when it comes to disease, we actually put military boots on the ground. It's a little fucked up, you got to admit. But it does make you want it, doesn't it? 160,000 hazmat suits. But this is the part that really kind of creeped me out. Last week, a top German virologist, Jonas Schmidt-Schanznet,

caused consternation when he suggested that the battle against Ebola in Sierra Leone and Liberia was lost and that the virus would eventually kill 5 million people. I guess he believes it's going to go airborne, this German guy. I think we have audio of him actually giving that speech. Watch out! Yeah, so he thinks it's going to kill 5 million people. Why is it now? Why didn't you see him on the news?

That's the guy I like to hear from. What makes you believe that? What does this guy know? What does he have to gain by that? Evidence that the virus has mutated has led to fears Ebola could have gone airborne to at least a limited extent.

But then there's a doctor, Michael Osterholm, director of the center for infectious disease research and policy at university of minnesota notes there have been more human to human transmission in the past four months than most likely occurred in the last 500 to a thousand years why what do they do making out with the bodies? Holy fucking moly. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I was hearing about that back in the 80s, for Christ's sake.

We hadn't wiped it out yet. I don't know why I'm obsessing on this. I'm sure you guys want to talk about the NFL, and I'll get to that in a few minutes, okay? I can relax. By the way, if you follow the Nick and Artie show, you all know that I participate in a pool, a football pool with a bunch of, you know,

like 120 people or whatever. And I used to be a decent bettor. When I got out of college, I used to actually bet real money on real games and have three-team teases going and bird cages and all this shit and uh now i'm gonna pull i don't have that uh discretionary income to piss away so you know i put a hundred dollars in for the year and uh what were the 15 games this weekend i had

four right last week i had five my My nephew, by the way. Okay. I got to tell Artie this. He'll laugh his balls off. I think he's 11. 11 years old. Yeah. He had 12 right, I think, this weekend.

He's at the top out of the 100-something people. I'm really making an ass of myself. Get to that in a few seconds. But more dark stories. I just couldn't help it. I was reading the paper today and laughing my balls off, going, what the fuck? Here's the headline on an NBC website. Brooklyn mother says rat bit young son while sleeping.

Why would you live here? Honest to Christ. Brooklyn mother says she's still traumatized after she awoke to find her three-year-old son who cannot speak apparently the poor kid's autistic covered in bite marks and blood in his bed after a rat apparently bit him lasma i remember waking up in college with bite marks and blood all over my pillow but it was just a big horny fat chick who apparently hadn't eaten in months and charred my cock. I did that bit last week.

I'm not going to go into the Quint thing, but I'm still working on it. Yeah, there was blood all over his pillow, his mother said, who lives in Bed-Stuy. It's so funny because I just read this story. Bed-Stuy is a part of Brooklyn that years ago you wouldn't go near if you were white. But apparently, I just read an article how gentrified apartments are going for 2500 one bedrooms and how it's becoming all gentrified yet the crime is still there i guess um but the the boy had open wounds across his face neck and feet can you fucking imagine i was just thinking that would that would literally kill my wife. It would put the fear of death on me.

When I lived in Queens in Astoria, I woke up and a cockroach ran across my chest one morning. And that made me a little cuckoo. I went out and bought about $4,500 worth of poison and spread it all over the house. But rat bites, if my wife woke up and a frigging rat was in her, literally would have to put her in a nut house. Would have to commit her.

His mother says it wasn't no scratches. It was actual teeth. The poor kid couldn't even cry out for help. I'm just saying. Between, you you know this is these are like the first eight headlines I read and I just started going

what the fuck they live above a subway entrance if you've ever been in New York City that makes perfect sense they said she says they're now

chewing through her walls I don't know what do you do there that poor kid ain't never gonna sleep again I don't know. What do you do there? That poor kid ain't never going to sleep again. Vermont schools ban brownies. The kids like kale here. That's the headline.

What the fuck? What kids like kale? Gotta be shitting me. It's funny. It's a picture of Michelle Obama. It's so funny. You know, she pushed this whole healthy food agenda on schools across the country and they're trying to implement it a lot of schools are already saying fuck you yeah that's what you want kid goes to a vending machine he wants to get uh

you know wants to get a can of mountain dew and a package of mushroom caps brownies another chocolate treat to now officially banned by the state of vermont oh you know that's like the most left-wing state right it's a it's it's like oh bernie sanders is actually a socialist the senator the acting senator there um vermont watchdog reports the state is now pushing fruit kebabs. Can you fucking imagine fruit kebabs? Kale and gluten-free paleo lemon bars. Oh, these poor kids. What the fuck with you hippie stupid adults running your world? The ban comes in an attempt

to comply with new federal school lunch and snack regulations championed by First Lady Michelle Obama. She's obsessed with this shit. And I say it in my act, I'll start eating healthy

when her ass doesn't look like a friggin' mules. She's not exactly twiggy. It's really unbelievable. Here's the problem, though. Every time you read a story like this, these changes are really supporting the types of diets that we as a country should be following

to have a healthy diet and lifestyle, says Laurie Colgan, Child Nutrition Program Director at the Agency of Education. What the fuck is the Agency of Education? And it's always a young chick named laurie or britney or tammy who uh you know has a bachelor's degree in fucking nutrition from the university of san francisco there's too many of those broads you know

you know it's very it's like very nationalistic. It's like when Hitler, Hitler used to, you know, insist on the whole nation eating right because of his superior race that he was trying to develop. There's a lot of similarities with this type of thinking. If we all eat spinach, we'll be strong. But here's the thing, I like like it not all progressive northeastern states are following the dictates from dc uh massachusetts gee that's a surprise has bucked the bake sale rules remember my home state of massachusetts that's where it all started

we were known for our independent streak right it's where the whole country it's where it all started. We were known for our independent streak, right? It's where the whole country, it's where we threw Britain off our back. That's what we're known for. Now they're known as rebels because they refuse to let federal government ban bake sales at their schools. Wow, they're going against the grain. What fucking nuts. In 2012, an uprising over lost bake sale revenue led the state to

repeal the standards for fundraisers and reinstitute the right to consume cupcakes. This is fucking real, folks. You're going to tell me we're not a nation rotting away. You can't tell me we're not eating ourselves a lot. This is what we're worried about. Fucking ISIS coming over the border in mexico worried about kids eating cupcakes boston globe wonders now the question is which kids out there have actually claimed to like kale uh nobody there's no kids i like i like it because i'm 52 and i have trouble shitting i'll put three pounds of kale and then some uh you know some rocks and bark into the neuter bullet so i can move my bowels on a regular basis but kids come on we ate come on we had bendings machines and we didn't

christ sake in high school i remember getting shit-faced every Friday night. We'd go to Supreme Roast Beef and get a large roast beef, mustards, I mean, with mayo sauce. Like three in the morning. Nobody died. There was no vending machines with kale in it. Bake sales, you know, we ate like shit. Did it really hurt us?

Okay, a few of us dropped that early but what's the point of being alive leave the kids alone will you michelle christ almighty it's so funny though they put a picture of her eating like a i don't know what the fuck that is it looks like a lollipop i'm sure it's made of seaweed though one thing i do like about president obama every time his show goes out of town They always cut to him having lunch Got a double cheeseburger in one hand Like a cigarette hanging out of his mouth That fucking bitch is out of the house

It's a nanny state Okay That's all I get to say Okay What else Oh Oscar Pistorius. Remember Spatula Feet, this jerk-off? Since I last talked to you.

He was acquitted of first-degree murder. Judge said that it wasn't premeditated. Some South African. Nice to know that the justice system sucks just as bad down there. Really? He didn't... He was convicted of culpable homicide after a marathon trial. But get this, folks. He's still eligible to represent South Africa in the Olympics and the Paralympics.

The only catch is whether Pistorius is in prison at the time of the competitions. How the fuck is that even? You'd think they'd want nothing to do with him. Right? I remember tweeting about him when it first happened, when he shot his girlfriend. Saying that nobody's going to fuck with him in prison because he has shivs for feet. Can you see somebody trying to rape him? He's on his back, kicking, pumping his legs with those knives coming at you like a human food processor

uh the next games are going to be held in 2016 in rio de janeiro and uh he's still eligible why why wouldn't you just say we want nothing to do this comeback what a bunch of shit he didn't know his girlfriend was behind that bathroom door can you fucking imagine that? That some judge, some woman judge bought that shit. I don't give a shit what was said at the trial. It's like what I say about our, I say that about our, it wasn't a jury situation there. It's different than ours, but I make fun of our legal system.

I say the same thing like, you know, the OJ trial and who was the hot looking chick that killed her daughter down in Florida? I can't remember. Remember, she got off all these bad. And I'm like, yeah, well, let's see. It's five lawyers who went to Ivy League schools. They have 200 years of education amongst them. I wonder if they can trick this 68 year old cleaning woman, confuse her.

What a scumbag. He could do anywheres from suspended sentence to 15 years. Can you imagine being he's not like, you know, imagine being his

the girl's parents watching him walk out of the courtroom. Sickening. But on an upside, Nike, he had a deal with Nike? Huh?

He doesn't even have feet? How the fuck do you get a sneaker deal when you have two pastry spatulas for feet? Nike terminated its endorsement contract with Pistorius. Ooh, so that's what you have to do, huh? Actually kill your girlfriend? Even Nike's not buying it?

What kind of? I want to see those sneakers. They must... I want to be... Do they have a special line for, you know, kids with flipper feet? He's got a goddamn sneaker deal. That guy's got no feet. That's hilarious.

He should have a deal with the cake boss in the Food Network. Spreading pastry on a muffin with those fucking feet. Anyways, just another sign that the world is upside down. That this motherless fuck isn't in jail. God friggin' help us. The world's going to shit, I'm telling you. You feel that way? Everything's backwards and upside down?

What the hell's going on out here? I agree. I have no idea, Vince. Mother of God, help. All this shit has happened since in a week. All this stuff went down. All this shit has happened since in a week. All this stuff went down. Let's get to NFL news, which, by the way, when you talk about the NFL,

isn't it really football takes a backseat, doesn't it, right now, with all the horse shit going on? I mean, the last time I left you guys, all we were talking about, obviously, was, you know who, Ray Rice, all's we were talking about obviously was you know who Ray Rice who by the way showed up

at New Rochelle High School not far from here that's where my buddy Joe Matariz lives by the way I went to his house he moved in like eight months ago

he's got a nice house over there did his podcast up on the third floor if you get a chance, listen to it. Fixin' Joe, the name of the podcast. But it was pretty funny, actually. He's living an idyllic life over there.

You might have heard it, I don't know, but he lives like a mile from this high school, this Catholic high school, and the kids were getting out, and it looked like a Britney Spears video. Not to sound like a pervert, but holy shit, these high school age girls are coming down the front steps. I'm at a red light.

I almost broke my neck trying to look over my right shoulder. I mean, they still have those Catholic schoolgirl skirts just like that Britney Spears video. Holy moly. By the time I got to Joe's house, he's like, come on in. I had to sit in the car, let a few things go down for a few minutes that's horrible nick i'm just saying i'm just saying but anyways yeah ray rice showed up at his old high school there new rochelle they took his name

off the like wall of fame or they took the plaque down but his jersey is still like in a showcase over there uh we talked about it and it's been talked about over and over again but i just love how this evolved into roger goodell being the bad guy and i understand if the nfl did have that tape and they did see it um you know prior to the actual one that was released to the public if they had it the whole time and had seen that i understand why his head would be on the chopping block goodell but it's so we got, the spotlight went so quick off of Ray Rice to him, didn't it? It really did. You know why? Because he's a white guy in a suit making $44 million a year. That's why. It's a bad thing today. But like I said, if they prove that he had knowledge of it, I don't know what to believe.

The guy's running around, you know. Who knows? He's got a thousand underlings under him. But should that really matter? And I brought this up in the last podcast. You know she was unconscious. And we know he admitted to hitting her. So why do you have to see it?

I mean, I pictured it. You know what I mean? We've all seen boxing. We've all seen people sucker punched in a fight we know what it looks like so funny when the video gets involved it's like oh now we can but um so yeah goodell is like uh you know he's got his neck on the line now and of course he's uh doing all kinds of stuff to cover his ass one One of the headlines was NFL announces four women will help shape league policy. Ah, terrific.

It's not bad enough I have to listen to Michelle LaFoya and fucking Jenny Dell. And Aaron Andrews. Aaron Andrews, we cut a break because she's hot. But again, now we have women shaping league policy. So it's about over. It's about over. It's about where I jump off the NFL wagon for a while. It's bad enough that we'll get to that in a few minutes,

what I think of the NFL. But Goodell continued his push to show the league is taking domestic violence and sexual assault matters seriously announcing in a letter to teams monday morning four women are going to help uh shape league policy going forward anna isaacson the nfl's vice president of community affairs and philanthropy will now be in an expanded role as vice president of social responsibility. Yeah, good luck, Anna. Good luck with that. The league also has retained as senior advisors Lisa Friel, the former head of the sex crimes prosecution.

Do you believe it's got to this? Do you believe it has got to this, folks? Do you know the NFL, when it started was a was literally like three or four guys that owned a car dealership in ohio they used to get together with the friends and play football on a sunday afternoon do you realize that's how it started and look what it's turned into they did what 10 billion last year um yeah lisa frill the former head of sex crimes prosecution unit i came in. I came in New York County District Attorney's Office. She's going to be involved.

Then there's a group called No More, which is co-founded by Jane Randell. She's going to help shape policy. And Rita Smith, the former executive director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. This is the NFL trying to cover its ass i don't that i don't know that you need all this shit do you it's really pretty simple if you keep pulling kids i mean these guys out of college right first of all and it's not a race thing we know we know that domestic violence transcends race and whatever and class and color, which is all true. But as long as you're getting kids from the projects, these great athletes, which a lot of them come from, you're not going to be able to change anything.

Phil Mushnick did a great piece today in the Post about, you know, all these guys have something in common. You know, all these guys have something in common. Whether you're talking about, we'll get to Adrian Peterson in a second, Ray Rice, or the guy Hardy for the Panthers. They all have something in common. They actually went to college, which is supposed to, you know, civilize us men. It really is a joke. So it's not going to change. You can give them all the anger management you want and all the...

You're going to tell me they don't know that it's wrong to hit a woman. Really? Do you understand? They could take a year of anger management and on the last day of anger management classes, if they're barking out of the parking lot and somebody cuts them off

and they get into a confrontation, they're going to snap again. It's in their DNA. Okay? I mean, I really believe this is all cosmetics. I really do. It's not going to change. I mean, it's the guys who play this are violent by nature. Whatever the...

They are. I just don't... Again, this is all, I don't know, window dressing in my opinion. Because it's really not that complicated. You don't punch a girlfriend or any woman in the face. Again, unless she's coming at you with a knife. So they're going to bring in all these women to help shape it. The NFL.

Boy. Boy, what a tough week. So, yeah. So we all know where that stands as far as Ray Rice. But then we had, since I talked to you last, Adrian Peterson, who gets busted a couple days before Sunday's game. Back in May, he whipped his four-year-old boy with a switch, which is a tree branch.

Black folk love that tree branch switch thing. Richard Pryor used to do a bit on it. You pick your own branch, and I think Richard Pryor did a bit. His mother or father made him go out to the tree and actually pick the branch. And apparently Adrian Peterson still thinks this is a way to discipline your kids i'm not saying a good smack upside the head with an open hand um is wrong but whipping the kid i mean they show pictures of the kid's leg he's four years old for christ's sake and there's text messages of him talking to the baby's mama.

He's got five to seven kids, Adrian Peterson, by the way. They don't know how many exactly. And he's actually bragging how he disciplined the kid or whatever. But it doesn't even, I mean, how about the fact that last year, remember during the season? This, another one of his baby's mama came forward. Somebody he had a child with who he had never met. And the baby's mama's boyfriend beat the kid to death.

Remember that last year? Aye, aye, aye. What the fuck? I'm a football fan, but you can't defend any of this shit. So, yeah, that came up since I talked to you last. And so Adrian Peterson was, you know, they sat him down this past weekend. He couldn't play. But as of a couple hours ago before he went on the air with his hair,

the Vikings are reinstating Adrian Peterson. hours ago before I went on the air with this here. The Vikings are reinstating Adrian Peterson. He's going to participate in meetings and practice week and expected to play this Sunday against the Saints. They deactivated him Sunday. It's amazing how what the Tom

Brady and the Patriots offense will make teams do. So they went out and they got wobbled by the Patriots 30 to 7 and obviously that was a big had to obviously had a big influence to the best running back I picked the Vikings I mean I picked the Pats by the way it's one of the four I got right because of the Adrian Peterson not playing but um yes who's he's going to be reinstated. Today's decision was made after significant thought, discussion, and consideration. This is the Vikings on us talking.

As evidenced by our decision to deactivate Adrian from yesterday's game, this is clearly a very important issue. On Friday, we felt it was in the best interest of the organization to step back, evaluate the situation, and not rush to judgment given the seriousness of this matter. And at that time, we made the decision we felt was best for the Vikings and all parties involved, except for their offense. To be clear, we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child. No, you don't a child no you don't no you don't because i just mentioned what happened last year when one of his biological kids was beaten to death by one of his former girlfriend's boyfriends i don't even know did he did you do anything about that so you don't take it seriously

we will continue to monitor the situation closely and support adrian's fulfillment of his legal responsibilities throughout this process i don't know what the fuck that means anyways but then you get into this whole uh gray area do you stick your nose in because it's a family matter um i think, I don't know, they were talking about possible jail time for him. Now he's playing this Sunday. Don't you get your kids taken away from you

when there's evidence of abuse? Maybe that's coming. I don't know. But he's playing Sunday. Fucking Goodell. Earning every cent of that 44 mil mil he must be sweating bullets because only he knows if he saw the ray rice thing but uh he must be going what is going on yeah then i think it was the panthers that have a player his last name is hardy he was charged a few months ago domestic

violence and i think uh they're not letting him play the team it's not letting him play this sunday god but i mean like i said i don't think you can eradicate this stuff i mean i guess you can try but you know it's getting worse you gotta admit as a culture, I think we're more coarse overall as a culture than we were back in the 50s and 60s. And, yes, I'm sure there were players who smacked their wives around and maybe you know kids being born out of wedlock and single-parent homes and uh you know that's definitely gotten worse you can look at the numbers but uh the nfl oof i mean we had aaron hernandez last year and um ray caruth remember him he had his pregnant wife shot. By the way, this Hardy guy for the Panthers,

I hope it's the Panthers. I always confuse him with Jacksonville. Actually, you know, smacked around his pregnant girlfriend, so. When shows like this get too intense and too dark, I always need somebody to cheer me up with a funny joke. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says.

Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? I'm sorry. That's like my medication. Anyways, you NFL fans should be happy. There's going to be four chicks helping shape league policy. I mean, you thought the, you know, the pink

ribbons and shit. That's coming up too, right? In October, we get that the breast cancer awareness and now we're gonna now you're gonna have uh yellow ribbons for child abuse and uh you know purple ribbons for domestic violence christ well the ribbon industry is happy about all this. So here's another headline. NBC Sunday Night Football down in the ratings. Of course it is.

The NFL has a little thing on its hand besides all this domestic violence and whatnot as you guys must be reading in the papers that their ratings are dropping a little bit each the last couple seasons because people uh you know since the invention of flat screen tvs and high def would rather sit home comfortably like I would. That's why they're trying to make it so fan friendly in the stadiums. Now they have Wi-Fi and, you know, access to the Internet right at your seats. And they're doing all this stuff to try to make the actual live game experience better than it would be if you stayed home. Good luck with that. My couch is three inches from a refrigerator

with ice cold Heinekens in it and deli platter. Unless these fans are getting lap dances from the cheerleaders, I think the trend's gonna continue to stay home. Who the fuck wants to deal with parking and drunken assholes? I got tired of that a long time ago. But, yeah, so the numbers are down, I guess, ratings-wise,

which makes sense, which brings me to my, why the NFL has fallen off for me. I get into it a little bit with a few people on Twitter, not too many, but most fans, football fans, they like both, college and pro, but they prefer the NFL game. That's because they're subjected to the NFL marketing machine, which keeps this thing going around the clock, 365 days a year, 24-7. It's like a soap opera. They're geniuses.

It's the reason they made $10 billion last year. soap opera they're they're geniuses it's the reason they made 10 billion dollars last year but i am i'm 52 so i have some credibility in the argument because i started watching football when i was six which is 1968 and i still love the nfl but i college football to me is just way better it's a cleaner game what i mean by cleaner is there isn't a push in the back penalty on every kick play whether it's a punt or a kick off okay they're more disciplined you have to be in college if you want to play you're not making 20 million dollars and sometimes you don't give a fuck and um and the nfl just cutting its own throat it doesn't surprise me numbers are down with with all these uh they're making it impossible

for defensive backs now it's like basketball if they just brush up against the receiver they get called uh you know for a illegal contact after five yards or holding everything is interference now it's all favoring the receivers that means there's a penalty every three seconds a couple games yesterday i couldn't believe i actually had the sound down and every time i looked up there was a flag on the field and people are starting to notice it and then they review the shit which should take 30 seconds and it takes three four minutes and they were cutting their own throats i was a big proponent of uh instant replay but But I had that caveat that they had to do it quickly,

and sure enough, they haven't. And it's really hurting the game. It's boring, every kick play. And I remember Howard Cosell, I'm not kidding you, back in the 70s, he gave out a statistic on a Monday night game about, on kick plays, I think he said 68 or 69% of the time there's a flag for clipping or pushing the back.

Back in the 70s. And his point was the rule is flawed. It can't be the players that that rule is flawed, that if it happens that many times, which I agree with. Allow one push in the back or something. But the point is it's hurting the game. It really is boring. And, you know, some guy on Twitter a couple days ago,

you know, BC upset USC, by the way, which is the game for me of the weekend to watch. And I posted that on Twitter. And some guy's like, college football sucks. And, you know, he's just another victim of the NFL marketing. His logic was, I like the NFL because teams don't get blowout 73 to nothing. On every game, any team can beat anybody on any given Sunday. Like, that doesn't happen in college.

It happened this weekend like three times. USC goes into Boston College. BC's unranked. USC is ninth. They beat Stanford the weekend before in Stanford. BC's unranked. USC is ninth. They beat Stanford the weekend before in Stanford. And BC beats them up.

Whips them on both sides. It was fabulous. Fabulous, man. And South Carolina, Georgia. Anybody see that game? Every time I put on an SEC game, it's like 35-32 with four minutes left.

Almost every time. Doesn't matter what their records are. But just tremendous. And then you got the 20-year-old cheerleaders who they cut to as they go to a commercial. It's just a cleaner game. They play harder.

And my other argument is, wouldn't you really, first of all, the NFL that you love so much is where do you think the players are coming from? These big college programs. so much is where do you think the players are coming from these big college programs um and you wouldn't want to see like you like um i always use like lt lawrence taylor when he was 21 years old in his physical prime because you are in college you're in your physical prime i mean these are the superstars of tomorrow and you know you know, there's 116,000 people at a Michigan game.

It's not because it sucks. Anybody who tells you, you know, college football sucks, they don't like football. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. There's guys who played big-time college football that went to the NFL, became Hall of Famous, and choose to cover college football because it's so good. I mean, you get to see all these athletes that you're going to see on your favorite NFL teams. You get to see them when they're 20, 21 years old.

Deion Sanders at Florida State, that guy, I mean, he was a man among boys. To watch that guy in his 20s, completely healthy, just running circles, it's,'s i mean i can't get enough of it and again like i said i've been an nfl fan for years but the game sucks right now it's been watered down for a long time through the whole 90s i remember reading in sports ill that some one of the writers called it the um uh the socialist football League because all the talent is distributed evenly

throughout the league, which was a smart move by Pete Rozelle. He's the one, he was the commissioner that came up with, if you finish last, you get the pick first

in the draft, whatever. That way it balances out the, but it's also, you know, now you have, you know, people say, well, I love it because on any given Sunday, yeah, but that's called parody. You know, I guess you can like, I'd like parody if it was because all the teams were equally good, but they're not.

It's watered down. You really get excited about Tampa Bay at Jacksonville or Buffalo at Detroit? Come on. I don't mean to sound like an old timer, but there's a lot of games that you look at and who gives a shit? And anybody can beat anybody. Yeah, because they're all mediocre. You got like three or four great teams. You know?

That's why I lean more towards college football. Didn't always, but it sucked me in. And my God, some of the games. Let's talk about the nfl but like this past weekend i had four right out of 15 that's embarrassing it's a i mean it's a it's a 50 50 proposition because there is so much parody in the nfl you understand the bookies have a hard-on around the clock during the NFL season. It's just what they wanted. Or any team can beat any,

you know, any team on any given Sunday. That's exactly parity. Obviously benefits the bookies. Obviously if I, you know, lose, you know, if I win or if I lose my bet, he takes the 10% big

and throws it towards somebody who lost. I mean, when he loses, the bookie loses. But some of the games are tremendous. But where the hell are the NFL scores? Yeah, Patriots, we kind of expected that. They're like, I i don't know 23 and one coming off a loss so they smoked the vikings without adrian peterson obviously and um but i mean come on some of these freaking games jets packers jets were up by like 18 at halftime or whatever you knew that was coming didn, didn't you? Rex Ryan, I'm sorry. Overrated.

They lit him up in his defense in the second half. RG3 dislocates his ankle. Oof. What were some of the other? Most of them, the Bills, they always start out strong. Of course, they took the Dolphins. They were getting points in Buffalo, I believe. Cleveland at home against the Saints.

Well, the Saints own two now. Then last night, the Bears go into the 49ers, like the opening of their new stadium, and put a whipping on them. Did anybody expect that? that well by the way did You see in that game Colin Kaepernick Could call for a bad language bad Language you know what that means he said

The n-word that's the only word that They will throw flag which is hilarious To me can you imagine like that's not Said every play in the fucking NFL but If if a ref hears it, he has to throw the flag. Can you fucking imagine what's so hung up on that word that it's the only word that's actually penalized in the NFL? Raiders stink. They ought to dig up Al Davis. Seahawks, huh? They go into San Diegogo and they get whipped everybody thought they look like they gonna lose maybe one game maybe that's it this year uh falcons i'm starting to wonder about matt ryan i think he threw three picks i mean they're supposed to be all world this year if

you watched hard knocks you'd know that fucking giants pu, P-U. Holy shit, that offense. It's like watching the 1924 Rams. Ugh, they have P-U. I had that one right. Poor Coughlin, he's going to snap. Rams, right? Rams get blown out last week by Minnesota. Imagine they give up 35 to Minnesota,

and then they go into Tampa, who's supposed to be decent and win by two. So there's no rhyme or reason. It's just crazy. My point being is you can pick names, you can pick the teams out of a hat and you should get at least eight right. So I really am a friggin' loser. God friggin', damn it.

And then, yeah college i didn't move saturday i tell you i didn't friggin move i don't know how many games i watched was pretty embarrassing but uh uh yeah i watched uh georgia and and south carolina. South Carolina get blown out on opening day by Texas A&M. And I mean blown out. Texas A&M, they have a scary offensive sheet. But so they had Georgia at home. And it was just a tremendous ballgame, you know? Lead changes and just vicious hitting by people that you're going to be watching in the nfl you know these sec teams they they every year like half the defense gets drafted they have to rebuild

but it's such good football um brigham young they're pretty vicious too they're on like on a thursday night uh what the hell else? What are the big college games? Oregon. They run like two plays every three seconds. That upbeat offense. The Chip Kelly offense that used to be. They whipped Wyoming. They're number two in the country, Oregon, by the way. Who the hell was I impressed by? Michigan stomps Miami of Ohio. Who gives a rat's ass? Anyways, that's about it, kids.

That's all I have to say. All the news was NFL related. Because Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice. I think, and by the way, I don't know if I've said this, Ray Rice I think should be able to play again. A lot of people might disagree with that, but I think one season, a complete, kicked out for one season is, you know,

a guy snapped, and it's unjustifiable, but, you know, again, somebody losing their temper for a second, you're going to take away their livelihood? I don't know. I don't know. All I know is that Vic did time for killing dogs. So there's got to be, I think a whole season is you know I think that's fair

don't you I'm sure the feminists won't they flew some feminist group flew a banner over one of the stadiums saying Goodell has to go again it turned into a Goodell story not a Ray Rice story but it turned into a Goodell story, not a Ray Rice story. But,

one more time, Squarespace, I'm supposed to read it twice now. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, folks. It's the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website, portfolio, or online store. For a free trial and 10% off, visit squarespace.com and enter offer code Nick at checkout. It's simple. It's easy.

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Plugs. I got a message here. You might have heard it. Oh, it was my brother. a message here. You might have heard it. Oh, it was my brother. Let's congratulate him on his son's having 11 or 12 right out of 16.

Plugs. Where am I? A week from this Thursday. Chicago. Zany's. Downtown Chicago. I'm looking forward to that. I haven't been to that club in years. It's real small, but it's Chicago. I don't know if you've ever been, folks. One of the best cities.

It's like a big city, but the people have like a small-town attitude. Very nice. A lot of great restaurants. Just make sure you don't wander off the beaten path, if you know what I'm saying. But what a great city it is. So I'll be there. Yeah, I'm going to be there on the 25th, a week from Thursday. And then the following night, the 26th, I'm going to Zany's in Rosemont, Illinois.

Not far from the city, I'm hoping. And the 27th, Saturday night, Zany's at the same club in Rosemont. And then in October, 9 through 11, Comics at Foxwoods, which is always a great gig. October 16 through 18, Laugh Boston, which is a nice new club in Boston. And the 23rd of October, Seneca Casino, Niagara Falls. That should be fun. Did I get everything? I may have.

What am I looking for here? Guess that's it. Remember to, you know, like I always tell you, to wash your dirty asses and remember these words. I like to end my show on a soft note now.

I love you for helping me to construct of my life not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done

it without a word, without a touch, without a word without a touch without a sign you have done it by just being yourself perhaps after all that is what love means and that is why

I love you. guitar solo I'm out.