The Nick DiPaolo Show - 048 - New Fall Lineup of CACA

Episode Date: September 23, 2014

New Fall Lineup of CACA

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello, kids. What's going on? Let me turn the Wi-Fi off. Okay. Ha, ha, ha. The dream police, they live inside of my head. The dream police, they come to me in my bed. What's up, kids? It's Monday. Monday again.

I didn't tell you last time on the show that I almost flooded my house out. Did I tell you that? Again, comes from lack of sleep. I think it was last Saturday. I don't know. Yeah, I think it was, I want to say last Saturday. Whenever I had people over for that mini cookout, it was the night before. And yeah, I had put some Lloyd's ribs, I told you these pre-packaged ribs in the sink they were frozen you know you know submerge them right in the package underwater for like an hour or two to thaw them out and um so i went upstairs to do that i put them in the sink i clogged you know i put the stopper

in the sink put the ribs and turn the water on. Ran back downstairs to get something. And when I went downstairs, my cell phone was ringing. Sitting on my desk. And I pick it up and it was Bobby Kelly. It's ironic. Bobby Kelly, ribs. It's all coming together. So I start yapping with him.

I sit on my couch. I start talking to him. We're yapping away for, God, had to been with him. I sit on my couch. I start talking to him. We happen away for God had to be 15 minutes, 10, 15 minutes. I hang up from him and now my ass is comfortably planted on my sofa. I look up at my flat screen and Notre Dame was on playing somebody. So I start watching the ball game. Actually put a pillow behind my head fuck and i'm watching the game and i'm starting to nod and all of a sudden uh my wife comes running

down the stairs now this is about a full hour later after i turn the water i hear my wife from run us you flood in the friggin house i'm like what run upstairs sure enough she runs down the stairs i run up there's like two inches of water on the kitchen floor she goes downstairs there's water dripping in the guest bedroom it's coming through the ceiling okay i mean i just started throwing down towels like you know beach towels just trying to soak the shit up in the the kitchen floor it's like two inches of water and i don't know how it wasn't i don't understand how it didn't it wasn't worse luckily it's like a little mini sink next to the regular sink that took some of the overflow. But holy shit.

Yeah, it came through downstairs into the guest bedroom. And I'm sure we won't pay for that in a few years. There won't be like black mildew that'll give us the frigging lungs of a coal miner after, you know, whatever. Shouldn't say this because people will come over to stay at my place won't want to use the gas better but anyway that's what happens that's the shit you do when you're like why some people can live on three four hours sleep i can't uh you know i'm not too bright to begin with and you take away the sleep quotient i'm really fucking retarded can i I say retarded? Uh, or is it mentally challenged or, Oh, that's right. It's a podcast. I can say anything the fuck I want. Um, yeah,

you can't say retarded like on morning radio. I just found that out. WPLR. I didn't just find it out. I knew it, but it was too lazy to think of another word. Anyways. Yeah, so I flooded our house like a mamalook, like two rooms. And God bless the wife. Strong. I went back to watching the ballgame. She cleaned it up.

No, I'm kidding. I was involved. Threw a big box of our maxi pads in the kitchen and soaked up a little bit of it. And then I, uh, tied our dog up, tied his legs up and I stuck a mop handle on his ass and just went around getting the corners. Sure. I did. Um, yeah, so that was, uh, that freaked me out, you know, something i'd yell at her for but when you when you do something like that in your marriage he's like oh come on she's like things happen and i'm like no they don't happen she's trying to buy capital for herself for the next time she fucks up majorly i'm like no that's unacceptable i'm accepting full responsibility

that's stupid behavior on my part. She's trying to be very understanding. So the next time she messes up, I'll be understanding. But we know that's not going to happen. Yeah, so holy moly. But the ribs are delicious, by the way. I keep plugging Lloyd's ribs like they're a sponsor. They're not.

But that shit happens. It's a combination of being 52, losing my short-term memory, and not sleeping. It's all tied together. Got no friggin' memory, short-term memory. As you can see right here, I'm like, what did I want to say next? What else did I want to talk to you about since I've seen you last? This past was Saturday night. God damn it. Saturday night, I was at, see, I forgot to shut off the ringer on my iPad.

Saturday night, I was at a place in Seymour, Connecticut, Villa Bianca, doing a gig for the guys Chaz and AJ, WPLR in Connecticut, very popular station. This Chaz guy, I'll tell you, you know, I've done some radio, but when you do, like, morning radio, and you have to know what you're doing. I mean, every minute of every hour is like scheduled with something, whether it's weather, news, somebody calling in bits that they, you know, little games that they come up with, the collars, ads, just, and it's really fun to watch a guy like this who's been doing it forever. It's like watching a guy conduct an orchestra. I mean, you know, me and Artie should sit there and bullshit and have to do some stories,

some live reads and stuff. This guy's got something to do every second. I walked behind his panel to look at at he's got like 18 pieces of paper with stuff written down on it and just working on the fly really impressive to watch and i'm like this is just the kind of radio i don't want to do but but everything that you know there's so many sponsors and every minute is scheduled it's like really stressful and he's doing shit on the fly somebody will call in they they saw an accident uh and he'll go to the you know yell to his producer pull let's see if we can get him on the line ba-ba-bum ba-bum uh they'll pull up a clip

of mine edited on the fly just uh this guy's really good and it's paying off because they plr just get picked up and like i don't know three more three more markets in connecticut they're all over they basically dominate the the state chas and aj and um and they're very good to me and uh i'm good to them most of the times i do morning radio and and you know comics hate it because again we're unconscious. That's usually REM sleep time. But when I do their show, you know, they have me on for the whole show. When you're on the road or whatever and they wake up for morning radio, you know, they'll keep you on for a couple segments maybe, depending on how well you know the show.

But you usually don't want to do more than an hour. But I enjoy these guys so much that I do like the full, well, from 7 to 10. I guess they're 6 to 10. That's another thing I can't believe. You can be that functional, anybody, at 6 in the morning. But it's really fun to watch these guys. They really know what they're doing. So anyways, yeah, I did a gig for them on Saturday night.

They do, once a year, they do a comedy show. And it was at this like wedding hall, not wedding hall. I don't know. You know, one of these places that does all kinds of functions, whether it's weddings or Italian guys getting made or circumcisions or pit bull fighting or, you know, all this type of shit. Big, beautiful old place in the middle of nowhere, Connecticut. I passed like three alpaca farms on the way there to give you an idea what kind of gigs I'm doing. But I like these guys, thought I'd do them a favor.

And, of course, it was packed out, 300 people, over 300 people, I think. They're very loyal listeners. But radio audiences, and they were good but the the alcohol they they i don't know why people have they feel the need to get fucked up to go to a comedy club that's the big myth that it makes the show funnier or whatever but and i've talked about this many times you know us comedians were basically conduits for uh alcohol sales i always say that you know i might as well be driving a Miller Lite truck. But these people were pounding hard, and it doesn't always make for the best show.

You know, a comedy, a joke is like a riddle. I've said this before. You know, with a comedy, the audience should have to kind of come up with the answer to the riddle. That's the punchline. You know what I mean? It takes a little bit of thought um so some of these people that feel the need to have eight to ten beers to go to a comedy club it's just and i know that's how the clubs make their money and shit but these people

were drinking pretty hard which i expected it's a these radio show audiences uh you know they're uh they call into the show every morning they're. They feel like they're part of the thing. So there's some fucked up people there, but they were all right overall. They hung in there. You know, I gave them a few zingers. I used to, well, I describe how sometimes I enjoy doing these things as opposed to doing, as opposed to doing, you know, traditional chain clubs like the Improvs, the Funny Bones and stuff.

And I had a little bit on it. I think I have the clip right here, actually. I like doing these gigs. I'm sick of conventional comedy clubs like the Improv and these stupid chain clubs that I do. You know what the audience has turned into at comedy clubs? It's packs of girls, it'll be like eight girls trying to cheer up one miserable friend. Diane's having her period, you know? Pam just had a miscarriage, let's take her to the funny bomb. Brad just dropped a Zyko in the toilet ten hours ago, I'm supposed to slap a smile on her face?

I'm a fucking magician? Buckle up, folks. This is not a faggy show. This is a guy speaking his mind. Yeah, that's true. These clubs, you know. It's always the girls. I mean, who comes to Ghana? A lot of couples. And it's the it's the girls i mean who comes to garner a lot

of couples and it's the women making the reservations thank god right no guy's gonna fucking on a tuesday night go hey uh diane what do you what do you want to do this weekend should i call the funny bone and get us a table we don't do shit like that you know and uh but that's what happens and a lot of times it's like eight girls at one table. I'm not complaining. Well, part of me is. But when they get drunk, they get nasty. Because they know it's not going to get physical. And they always, you know, kind of push it too far.

There was a few Saturday night. A chick just starts yelling shit out. She's talking to me. I mean, a few people who haven't been to a comedy club or who go to regular places, listen to what I'm saying, all right? Don't just sit there and fucking listen, could you? Once the chicks get a few drinks in them, though, they think it's like fucking Oprah. They're going to participate.

This woman starts yelling shit out, and I try to be nice for like 11 seconds. That's all I have left in me as far as being nice. And, you know, she goes, well, it's my birthday. Well, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm not a clown. This isn't fucking Chuck E. Cheese, all right? You're a grown woman. Does that mean we have to ruin the night for the other, you know, 299 people that paid to get here?

And I try to be nice, you know? It was so funny. She had styrofoam. You know, a styrofoam, when you take food to go, they put them in those white styrofoam, she had like six of those stacked up in front of her, I don't know, I still, to this day, somebody, then somebody told me later on in the night, they saw somebody, I think it was her puking in the bathroom, which, you know, makes perfect sense, because she seemed pretty drunk, she had enough food there to, you know, makes perfect sense because she seemed pretty drunk. She had enough food there to, you know, feed frigging Nigeria.

But, you know, just because it's your fucking birthday, nobody gives a fuck, okay? Sometimes people come up, hey, my friend Billy, it's his birthday. Can you say something during the show? No, I can't. That's the emcee's job. That's another thing.

Ask the emcee or ask the club owner and they'll take care of it. I remember doing a gig once when I first started. That's the emcee's job. That's another thing. Ask the emcee or ask the club owner and they'll take care of it. I remember doing a gig once when I first started. Where the hell was this? Because a bunch of comics had complained about the same thing. I couldn't believe it. Right in the middle of the show. I'm right in the middle of a joke.

All of a sudden, a waitress is carrying a birthday cake down the aisle with like 50 candles on it. Right in the middle of a bit. Right in the middle of a show. Again, it's not fucking chuck E. Cheese for adults it's a goddamn comedy club and uh and then there was a like a cute blonde chick who comes up me after the show and goes get over here she I mean just totally inebriated you gotta take you I gotta get a picture of you right now and I'm like I don't have to fucking do anything right Jesus unbelievable and just like

you know physically pulls me over and I'm like Jesus she goes yeah I've been watching you for years you're very annoying she goes I know that and then she pressed her breast against my breast everything was fine she was a cougar no she wasn't she's a young chick

she's a cougar chief um yeah so the alcohol and uh pam this girl pam uh part of the plr morning team when i was in there last friday you know a plug on the show she was trying to tell a joke she was going to go on stage and uh she's trying to tell a joke on air and she couldn't get it out and I'm like this is going to be a disaster so she goes up there uh Saturday night and and uh it was funny she was she must have had a few in her because she was calm she tried a couple of bad jokes but the point is she stayed up there even after they didn't work she she did i figured she's gonna run up and for like 30 seconds aj went on and did all right some you know drunk guy yelled out and fucked up his few minutes of whatever um yeah just sit there and listen nobody wants to hear from you fucking people all right just go to the club and shut up or don't even come out if you want to talk

but uh once again it was uh it was fun it was pretty uh pretty damn fun i thank those guys and they were all over connecticut man so they were uh he must be doing all right chaz has a new girlfriend and she was uh pretty goddamn smoking by way, probably the hottest chick in the joint, which I figured. He's a successful radio guy. He should do that. He should have that going on. And who else? Derek Santos, this kid that was on America's Got Talent.

I don't know if you remember me and Joe Mattarese a couple weeks ago, maybe a month ago, were doing a show on my podcast here, and he had just, you know, got screwed by America's Got Talent. But he mentioned a funny guy on there, and he asked me to pull up a clip but i didn't know how to do that while i'm while i'm running the show here using my computer and my ipad together along with it but um remember he was asking me to pull up the clip of some kid and i'm like oh it's not important it turns out it was this kid derrick Santos, who had won some WPLR comedy competition. And he was on America Got Talent.

He's kind of got an emo Phillips delivery. And he's actually kind of funny. I mean, he's only been doing it three years. And the truth of the matter is, like somebody said to me, you can throw away your first 4,000 appearances on stage before you start finding your voice, whatever. But he's got this weird delivery like i said a little emo phillips but uh i think he's gonna be pretty funny he did all right he did all right i think he's uh i think he's got a future nice kid with a uh with a smoking girlfriend too by the way she looked like uh who'd she look like, Catherine McPhee, remember that girl,

she's on Broadway now, I think she was an American Idol contestant, she's done a few dramas on TV, very good looking, and I think the kid's got a future, I'm gonna give him, I don't know, a little more time before I drag him out, probably have him open here and there, but some clever shit, he was talking about again i should have pulled up a clip if i was uh prepared i got all these clips of myself um he did a thing about eating eating barley and he said he to describe the taste it tastes like what a halloween mask smells like on the inside i liked it um yeah I like the writing, man. I like to work with different comics that have different styles,

and I like the writing. What the hell else? Let's play a few clips. Somebody asked me what some of my favorite bits are, and here's one of my favorite bits. It was from, I'm talking about myself now. It's a good way to kill time. Get the energy of AI.

I don't know. What was my last album called? Does anybody remember? We're on Nerve. I think this was from We're on Nerve. But this is one of my bits that I like more than others. I'm watching the New York Mets this summer, and they have a guy in the booth.

He's a billionaire. He's going to donate $1,000 to a children's cancer hospital every time one of the Mets hits a home run. Cheap prick. I'm sure he picked them by accident I mean, it's a good thing he's doing But why not just write the kids a check for a half a billion dollars? You're going to make somebody hit a fastball 380 feet, really?

How'd you like to be a 12-year-old boy? You need a new liver And it all depends on whether Fernando Tatis can break out of a 2-foot-20 slump The wind-up and the pitch And he pops up to the catcher the Fernando Tatis can break out of a 2'20 slump. The wind-up and the pitch, and he pops up to the catcher. Billy ain't getting the wig this week, I'll tell you that much. But luckily it's cap night here at Citi Field. Jason Bay steps to the plate.

He's responsible for leaving two runners on. And the death of a five-year-old girl last week. Got a kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Billy, what's your last wish? I don't know. Can we get a designated hitter in the National League? Don't build another Ronald McDonald house. Move the fences in it. Citi Field, for Christ's sake. Look at me. I thought it was appropriate as we come into the final week Move the fences in it. City Field, for Christ's sake. Look at me. After him.

Thought it was appropriate as we come into the final weeks of the Major League Baseball. It's one of my favorite bits. That's right. Fernando Tatis. That was written a few years ago, obviously. Excuse me. But, yeah. Do you believe it?

Baseball's almost over. At least for, you know, my team and a few, the majority of teams in 2013, 2014. This season already, the Sox have already won a championship and they've already shit the bed. We're already, I mean, how fast is time going? Anybody else feel this way? Do you feel like you're dying inside? Do you? I do. So, the dream police so uh what are the bits i got some more bits here i was

gonna play of myself uh let's do some more stories Stories. Oh, yeah, I wanted to get to the fall lineup. What's the name of this episode? Kaka TV. I was just reading some of the new shows coming out on network TV. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just everything is just so um female oriented it's just and i've been saying it for years how they portray women like superheroes and it's just so here's one i don't get this is a drama obviously i couldn't believe i thought i thought they were fucking around uh it's to be on wednesday nights on fox at 9 p.m it's called red band society

listen this is the premise of the show okay uh sick kids already are you laughing your balls off what's funnier than sick kids huh sick kids who don't act sick a two two-dimensional, wise-cracking nurse. Maybe it is a comedy. A wise-cracking nurse. It's like the female Patch Adams. A female, yeah, okay. A two-dimensional, wise-cracking nurse played by Octavia Spencer,

who shouldn't have to do this show to make a living. A relentless soundtrack played extra loud. This is the guy describing it in the post. So you can't quite hear the bad dialogue. Red Band Society tries to be a feel-good show about a downbeat topic. The sometimes terminally ill children. What? What the fuck?

Terminally ill children? Let's play the theme song to this show. The sometimes terminally ill children of a pediatric ward in an L.A. hospital. If there's one child that needs to be moved to intensive care, staff. I started a joke. Bitch started the whole world crying. A wisecracking nurse. But I didn't see.

Who deals with terminally ill kids. It's going to be a lap a second, ain't it? That joke was on me. deals with terminally ill kids. It's gonna be a laugh a second, ain't it? This Wednesday night on Red Band Society, Billy finds blood in his stool while playing with puppets. I gotta tune into this one. Somebody is very ambitious.

Oh, mother of God. How is that possible? What the fuck? You gotta, oh boy. Okay, here's one. The Mysteries of Laura. That's Debra Messing. That's that beautiful redhead from, what was the show?

The gay show. God, I'm so fucking tired. I got no memory. Will and Grace. She's like a bubbly, you know, effervescent model looking chick. But see, in Hollywood, the people who cast this show, that's what female detectives look like,

NYPD female detectives. They look like Deborah Messing. It's just this wet dream that these feminists in Hollywood are having. You ever see a female detective? Come on. They look like Vince Wilfork in a fucking blonde wig. And these critics agree with me. By the way, I'm reading the worst of the new ones coming out. At least that's how this guy sees

it. And I see it too. But she was on a show called Smash that didn't last very long. She's been trying to find another show to keep her career afloat. How much money do you need for Christ's sake? Well, in grace, people on that show have more money than drug cartels. She's a copper with a penchant for turtlenecks. Messing has to play down her natural vivacity in an attempt to appear tough, but she really looks rather hanged up she fights crime tries to discipline her really bad behaved twins it's not enough that she's a female cop she's gonna have to see they're all they portrayed a superwoman she's got twins she's a detective

and she's trying to disentangle herself from her husband who's also a cop well naturally right there's a guy they mention a guy in the show and she's trying to disentangle herself from her husband, who's also a cop. Well, naturally, right? There's a guy, they mention a guy in the show, and she's trying to get away from her husband, because he must be a fucking asshole, because he's a husband in a TV show, right? And yet she's a cop with two kids. And the caca continues. Oh, God, freaking help me.

What else do we have here? Stalker. This one premieres on CBS. You've seen the show before. A humorless brunette teams with a brash, self-satisfied outsider. That's the guy. Right away, when there's a description of an asshole, it's the guy character. Well, she's humorless. we'll give it that much they uh team up to solve heinous crimes

in its uh previous incarnation stalker was called the mentalist the crimes are nearly as disgusting as those on criminal minds i wouldn't know i haven't watched network tv in years because of this type of horseshit uh the stalkers set their victims on fire, parentheses, usually women, of course. You're not going to show a woman setting a guy on fire, right? Women don't kill men in real life, let's be honest. Jesus Christ. So we get children dying,

terminally ill diseases on one show, and then we got a show that covers, you know, stalkers who torture their victims and set them on fire. This is messy

caca. State of Affairs. Oh, how about that? How about the one that's out now, Madam Secretary? Like, that's not CBS, whatever,

I don't even know what network, maybe CBS is it? Like, that's not CBS, whatever. I don't even know what network. Maybe CBS, is it? Like, that's not a fucking, that's not a marketing tool to get Hillary Clinton. It's about, you know, a woman who's Secretary of State. Like, that's not a tool to get her elected president. Because that's what happens. Suburban, white suburban housewives watch this.

She can go, oh, my god hillary did stuff like that how can't we vote her in she's terrific fucking ankles of a clydesdale um katherine heigl this is state of affairs uh she was on a couple other shows wasn't she homeland was it i don't know no No, Claire Danes is on Homeland. Anyway. Katherine Heigl is, like, stunning. Of course, again. Whereas Homeland made strong casting choices from Claire Danes in Damian Lewis to Mandy Patinkin,

this series has it starred the person you could least believe as a CIA analyst, Katherine Heigl. The writers have given Heigl's character a first name that sounds like a last name, Charleston, as some sort of sign of intellectual rigor. See, even the critics are starting to catch on now. But then she shows up at work in the kind of ponytail an eight-year-old girl might wear and stilettos. Yeah, because that's what the broads that writes this shit, that's how they see women.

Superheroes. They look like a 10. What guy is going to watch any of this horse shit? Jane the Virgin. These are some of the good ones, I guess, that the critics like. Jane the Virgin. That's October 13 good ones I guess that the critics like Jane the Virgin that's October 13th premieres on CW the premise is

as far fetched as a telenovela the Latin soap operas watched religiously by the women in this show and this show is a family the lousy treatment received by ladies. Do you see a theme in all these shows?

And these overheated dramas have convinced Alba Villanueva that a young woman like her granddaughter, Jane, must protect her virginity. Knowing that she herself was the product of an unwanted pregnancy, Jane convinces her fiancé to wait to consummate. Then she becomes accidentally, artificially inseminated. How does that fucking happen? Somebody spill a jar of Hellman's. Jane the Virgin is a fast-paced, captivated, crazy family comedy about love and family, duty and desire.

comedy about love and family duty and desire the entire venture rests on the shoulders of rodriguez she's the girl playing the show that's gina rodriguez very hot latina uh the entire venture rests on the shoulders of rodriguez a bright young star who conveys all the goodness of a true telenovela heroine she's fucking hot though i'll tell you minga but that sounds like something huh that sounds like something for everybody again we fellas we get sports and we get the news it keeps getting narrower what's on tv then you get a show called blackish uh enter black is your smart sweetly ironic and flat-out hilarious comedy about three generations of a suburban african-american family who've climbed the ladder of success only to find out that they may have lost their cultural identity i'll translate that for you now they're

acting white and the comedy ensues because what's funnier than black people acting white? Anthony Anderson, who I like, by the way, funny guy, stars as an ad executive angling for a promotion that may be partly based on race. Ba-ba-ba, the wife, she believes their four kids

can live in a society that doesn't see color. There's no such thing. When their son, Andre Jr., wants to be called Andy instead of Dre, and he wants to play field hockey instead of basketball. Dad senses something might be amiss at home. I want to see the opposite. I want to see whitish when the white kid comes home, you know,

and he's dressed like a, you know-hop star and whatnot and i wonder if they put that in the description show then dad senses something's amiss why the fuck would his white son want to act black see there's a show that we could all laugh at lawrence fishburne is in this good to see his film career shot in the ass and and Andre's tracksuit-wearing father. Oh, Lawrence Fishburne's the dad in this. A tracksuit-wearing father who was strictly old school. You know, I know a bunch of old Italians

that wear tracksuits too, mobsters. But isn't that funny? So it's black people acting white, which is basically we'll see uh the affair another kakapu padoodoo the beginning and possibly criminal aftermath of an extramarital love affair is seen from the man and the woman's point of view the beginning and impossibly criminal aftermath of an extramarital love affair is seen from the man and the woman's point of view and

this tantalizing tale of desire and regret set against the beach community of montauk that's down along island see but there's no there's no people in hollywood that can write guys that's the thing it's mostly gay fellas and chicks they can't write a guy so i can't wait to see the man's point of view as opposed to hers i'm sure to be right dead on um what's the plot here dominic west plays a teacher who sets out one summer day to take his family out to uh his in-laws palatial beach house one stop at a local diner changes his life he meets a waitress ruth wilson a wounded beauty who just happens to save his child's life see here we go not only she's stunning she's a waitress she She saves the kid's life.

Literally, a superhero. Hee hee. Are you really going to sit down and watch that, fellas? Any of that? Mother of Jesus. But I can't. I have to. I'm setting the DVR right now for Red Band Society,

the wisecracking nurse who deals with terminally ill kids. I am so curious to see how they're going to pull that one off. That is going to be, I mean, I don't know. That's just a little too ambitious for tv um yeah i'll stick to i guess i'll stick to sports again real quickly i guess uh all the uh you know the um I guess all the, you know, the, all the environmentalists, the cuckoos who think, you know, the world's going to catch on fire in 10 minutes. They had a big rally in Manhattan. 400,000 people showed up this weekend in Times Square or wherever.

But, you know, you got Leonardo DiCaprio leading the charge on that. So he has to be right, right? Even though, you know, fucking, the temperature hasn't gone up one, and I'm not denying it, we know it's going to get warmer, but I'm just saying, it's not going to happen, you know, in 10 years, okay? If Al Gore knew what he was talking about, it would have all, you know, Miami would be under 12 feet of water right now, based on shit he said 20 years ago.

So, again, not denying it. I'm just saying. 400,000 people. And they trashed the place. They left garbage everywhere, these environmentalists. These global warming activists just trashed the place. They fucking... And, you know, the superstar, the place. They fucking, oh.

And, you know, the superstar, the movie stars flew in, obviously. Which we all know how good that is for the atmosphere. Anyways. It's all about the kids. Mark Ruffalo says, you know, my children, I'm doing this for them. And I don't have any fucking kids. I like to get color on my face after three minutes of raking leaves. That's what I think.

Yes, the oceans have raised one one-hundredth of an inch. Let's all shit our pants. We have stuff to prevent this, folks. It's called sunblock. Don't worry about it. But then they showed a picture in a paper of an anti-warming demonstrator. He's got like a, it looks like he's got a woman's dress on and a wig and sunglasses

and flowers all over his head. It flowers all over his head. Believe what you want to believe, y'all. I started to choke. Let's play some more. You know, everybody's... I don't know. It's the same people. The global warming alarmists that's fine i don't

believe we own but just leave me alone don't barrage me with this shit like the the quit smoking uh quit smoking things on tv they're just having fun with it now it's just like a cottage industry they're having fun with these commercials coming up with ways to gross people out uh that's it that's a that's a awkward segue for one of my bits this is my uh me talking about those uh quit smoking hotlines that you see during the yankees games again these are from uh my album from a few years ago a few years ago. Are you sick of that? Fucking the day.

They open doors with these non-smoking. You can't even watch like the Yankees game. They run that quick smoking hotline 40 times as a fucking commercial. You know the one?

60-year-old black woman missing every other finger because she smoked her whole life. Oh, she rolled the cigarette to the wrong end. Why don't you smoke when it's gonna happen to you? Why? Because I know people that have been smoking for 50 years haven't even lost a layer.

Never mind the fucking pinky fingers and thumbs. You know she's got type 55 diabetes from fuckin' chicken and Mardi Gras. Hey, hey, Nick, hey. Fuckin' pools and sails. What if I guess your thumb snapped off like carrots, you fuckin' drunk bitch? Anyway, how old was I in Manchester? Don't wait, I'm not gonna lie. Quit smoking hotline. They keep coming up with more commercials.

They got one now with a kid in the backyard. He throws a baseball, but his dad's not here to catch it. Because his dad died from smoking. I actually learned something from this commercial. I actually learned that there's some dangers to secondary smoke. Because that kid must have a fucking brain tumor. He could be trying to play catch with somebody that doesn't exist. He's out there in the rain for two and a half hours. That may have got the surgeon, you know, he's got a heart valve. Have you seen that? We squeeze in the tube and white shit's coming out of it.

That's not from cigarettes. That guy's been eating cannolis 50 pounds a day for the last 20 years. That's from blood coming out of his... I actually get hungry seeing this story. I want a cigarette. I want a can of God. My favorite one's a Spanish guy with a hole in his neck who can't swim anymore. A kiddie girl fell upset because he can't go swimming anymore. Why not? You can't swim with a hole in your neck. Whales do it. And dolphins do it. Get in the pool, you pussy.

It's fun to hear Spanish from out of a voice box. I'm glad I'm not a baby. I'm glad I'm not a baby. I'm glad I'm not a baby. Yeah, you can't watch TV without getting bombarded. I feel bad for the Yankees fans. You must be nuts, especially if you're smokers. They just, they don't leave you alone for 10 seconds with this shit. Everybody's such a do-gooder.

Mind your fucking business. Smoke if I want. God. I actually lit up in Florida at one of the, no, Atlanta. Was it Atlanta? One of those gigs a couple weeks ago. I light up. People actually left.

And they were sitting about, oh, I don't know, 300 feet from the stage. But they were so upset. I want you to think about that for a second. They'd left. See, so it's not even about, it's not even about the actual secondary spoke now. It's just, it's you versus me mentality. They fucking left. Good, go home. You fucking idiots.

They don't leave you alone though, do you? With this horse poop? I started up for... Yeah. Oh, by the way, before I forget, Chicago people, I'll see you Thursday night at Zaney's, downtown Chicago, and then the following two nights in Rosemont, at Zaney's in Rosemont, Illinois.

Mark that down, would you? Get my plugs out of the way. Imagine, that's how bad my memory is. I have to actually get the plugs now. I'm thinking about it. Uh, yeah. Where else? Oh, in the Comedy Cellar.

That'll be next week, I think. And then in October comics at Foxwoods October 9, 10 and 11 and then Laugh Boston on October 16, 17 and 18 and then Seneca's Casino Niagara Falls on October 23rd

that'll hold you for a little while won't it sure it would come on out and see me you's just uh you'll have the time of your life or you'll just be upset and go god damn it ruined our night why did he call my wife that i'll tell you why because she was a drunken fucking asshole Who'd yell shit out And I asked her nicely

And she gave me the finger for no reason Knowing her husband was next to her And then I talked about her fat tits And she got quite upset Who thinks I'm losing my mind? This is what happens when I get punchy I hear this song and I Get very emotional.

Yeah, yeah. Sure. Ray Rice. Let's get an update on that. Every time I do NFL news, I should play music that's making me insane. Does this get on you, you guys, NFL fans? I know you are. By the way, I watched college.

It really is no comparison. It was so much more exciting than any of the shit that went on Sunday. But I still enjoy the NFL for what it is. They watered down league felons. But if you watch the NFL on CBS you think they could play this this little jingle a few more times huh let's show you the starting lineups for the Kansas City Chiefs. And the kickoff goes out of bounds. Let's go to commercial. Check out CBS's new lineup on Thursday.

Red Society. A comedy about children dying of bone cancer. Penalty on the play. Let's take a break let's throw it to James in the studio for an update Jesus that's all it is that's all the NFL every game I want to watch all the Stop it! Jesus! That's all it is. That's all the NFL is. Every game I want to watch, all the good ones are on CBS.

It's that fucking every two seconds. Now back to Phil Simms and Dan Fouts. Dan Fouts. Let's take a look at the starting lineup for the New England Patriots. CBS is actually, I think somebody's catching on on i can't be the only one complaining because about uh after they played about 61 times they play like a muted version it's a little softer and a little shorter but how the fuck can you not know that that's not irritating every 10 seconds there's 61 commercial breaks in a quarter, and they play that every fucking time. Stop! Anybody else?

That's me the whole, that's what, this is football, NFL football on Sundays. We have a foul on the play uh pushing in the back up flag down on the punt return now what could it be we got number 62 pushing in the back. Let's take a break. Illegal hands to the face. Time for a commercial break. Somebody write in, please. Let's sign it, get a petition going. I can't fucking take it. No more.

But like I said, all the key matchups seem to be on CBS. Anybody bothered by that? I know you are. I just brought it up first. Nick, you're getting old. Bullshit. Fucking irritated me 20 years ago. Some of us are just more conscientious than others uh yeah so um ray rice oh this is an nfl story

he says that that film of him punching his fiancée in the elevator was edited. Yeah, they had Spielberg come in and take a look at it and go, it's too long, man. You've got to get right to the point. How the fuck? That's his defense? That's his defense. It was taken out of context. When the former Ravenstar appeals his suspension from the NFL, he plans to argue the tape of him punching his then-fiancee was edited.

By who? By his film agent? Look, it's a sizzle reel, man. You got to take out all the verbal back and forth and the verbal abuse you were given. And we got to just show the left hook. Rice's legal team will maintain the video of him decking. Janae Palmer Rice is a cleaned up, whittled down, and condensed version. I wonder if I can give my acting reel to the people that edited it because mine's a little long.

That's not going to hold up, Ray. I hope you guys are going to come up with something better than that's that's not gonna hold up ray i hope you guys can come up with something better than that somebody's giving you some bad legal advice jesus christ it was edited did may who knows may maybe the you know a minute prior to that she was like biting his scrotum maybe she was know, maybe she had him by the nuts and was twisting his bag. Maybe we didn't see that part of it. But is that going to justify what you did?

I think not. I don't know what you're thinking here. Good luck with that. Poor NFL, huh? I love it, though. It's all about Goodell now, how he, somehow he became the story, they sure took the focus off the players, huh, and I know, look, if he was aware of the tape and all that, we've been through this, yes, he'd have to probably resign, but I'm just saying, boy, do they take the focus, let's put it this way, they don't't like goodell the league's predominantly black the the head of the uh the players association is black they hate goodell

they hate him he's a white guy in a suit who makes way too much money and uh no matter what he does he he passes rules to try to protect them from getting head injuries and they they go he's ruining the fucking game if he they if he doesn't do it's a business. They don't care about us. Who would want to be the commissioner of the NFL? You know? It's a thankless job, it looks like. That guy makes $44 million a year, though, the commissioner. Are you kidding me?

I'm telling you, the players are jealous. They hate him for that. But this whole Ray Rice, it was edited? I just, I love to see where they're going with this. I tell you where they're going with it. You know exactly where they're going with it. My wife actually told me to shut up. I was screaming at the TV because of that song. And other sports news.

In other sports news, referee says Colin Kaepernick used a racial slur. Remember last week he got flagged for using bad language and I was belly laughing and I looked right at my wife and said, I'm telling you, he dropped the N-bomb. How fucking funny is it that on a football field, even they gonna outlaw outlaw the n-word on the football field how funny is that these guys his wife beat us out there drug dealers guys with guns former gang members oh my god he said nigger he said nigger i heard said, nigger. I heard him. Fifteen yards. The referee should have to say it. You know how they press that button on their belt and personal power. I don't know what

Colin Kaepernick's number is. But, yeah. So, that's what he could find, I think, ten grand for. Can you believe it? Can you believe that's what he could find, I think, 10 grand for. Can you believe it? Can you believe that's where we are, where the N were? That was against the Bears last week. He was having a shitty game, and he threw a couple picks.

And he supposedly called this guy Lamar Houston, I think it was, for the Bears. I think it was for the Bears. But of course, Kaepernick reiterated that he did nothing wrong when he and Chicago defensive end Lamar Houston went at it. Kaepernick points to Houston's comments that the quarterback didn't say anything offensive or out of line. Well, no, that isn't offensive or out of line on a football field. Never mind the freedom of speech. Kaepernick shoved Houston after the play.

It will be appealed, Kaepernick said. I didn't say anything. Lamar Houston said I didn't say anything. We're going to leave it at that. So, you know, it's jailhouse, you know, snitches get stitches type of thing, you know, keep your mouth shut. It's a football field.

Who gives a shit? You should be able to say anything. But that story went away in a hurry, huh? Remember when Riley Cooper said it? I know in a different context than it was off the field, but I'm just saying people should be outraged. I don't care who said it or what color. It's the most evil word on the face of the earth. I don't care what color you are. By the way, Kaepernick is half black. His wife got knocked up when she was 19, and the guy was out of her life by the time she was 20, I think. So he'll get a pass, you know what I mean?

But Lamar Houston, the guy who was the recipient of Kaepernick's comments, said, hey, he didn't say anything. It's just, you know, it's that street cred thing. You can't rat the guy out, and then you're really in for it. But, I mean, don't you think you should be able to say, isn't that hilarious? I mean, it's unbelievable where we are. As far as that word goes, it's just crazy. I mean, NFL on a football field?

Somebody using the N-word on a football field? That's a breaking story, isn't it, Jim Nance? Ever see Kaepernick? The guy has guy has got like negative body fat didn't get that from his white mom i'll tell you that much guy is shredded and tattooed up and a hell of a ball player i know he's having a tough couple weeks what about those 49ers huh christ i've been picking them to win the Super Bowl for the last three seasons. But they have no self-control on the defense. One of their players,

two of their players, they call for like, you know, close game, third quarter, they get called for a personal foul, unnecessary horse shit. Just got to have

some impulse control. By the way, I had, what, I think I had seven, right? Seven or eight going into tonight's game out of 16. I really am the fucking worst at this. My mother's laughing at me. She was like texting me going, Jesus, good thing you don't gamble, son. Um, Um, yeah. So I watched, uh, some college ball as usual and, uh, Florida state, Florida state and Clemson. I think Clemson was ranked 22nd going into Florida state ranked number one.

And, um, just, it's just great football. It's so, the place is so loud tallahassee it's the whole game you can't even hear yourself it's just this electricity that it's so funny and i still i do i love the nfl too but i'm just saying if you could put the audio from a college game next to you know the bills game it would sound like crickets. It's like 90,000 people standing on their feet roaring for four quarters. And Clemson, goddammit, they had the game. But it was back and forth.

The point was it was tied with like five minutes. I mean, just tremendous game. And the big story there was Jameis Winston, last year's Heisman Trophy winner, who, by the way, is still under investigation for sexual assault on a woman. And he got busted last year for stealing crab legs out of a store and also shooting windows out on campus with a baby gun. And he was suspended for originally the first half of this game this weekend against

clemson because he stood on the uh stood on a table at the uh student union and uh yelled fuck her right in the pussy which is a me me thing that started on on the internet you know what i'm talking about right some clip that got a zillion views was supposedly somebody being interviewed by a live news woman and then he just you know said uh you know the guy just here's what it is i looked i googled it fuck her right in the pussy is an obscene quote that gained much notoriety online after it was widely thought to have been said by a video bombing prankster during the live broadcast of a local news report in Cincinnati, Ohio. The stunt was eventually debunked as a viral hoax campaign orchestrated by filmmaker John Kane. Anyways, so, uh, yeah, Winston got up on the table like during the student union, you know,

with people around and yelled that out. And they initially was going to, they were going to suspend him just for the first half of the Clemson game this weekend. But then apparently he lied. He did more than he told the coaches. So they decided later on in the weekend, right before the game to suspend him for the whole game.

So the backup quarterback had to come in, and it was great. The backup quarterback was, he was hanging in there. He looked like a real rookie on some plays, but he hung in there. And one of the Clemson defensive backs fell down late in the game.

He hit this guy with a 75-yard bomb for a touchdown. They tie it up, but eventually they win it in overtime. But this Winston kid is a piece of work, man. The fact that this sexual assault thing still hasn't been solved because it happened a while ago tells me there must be more to it.

There's some real evidence there. This is the kid who won the Heisman last year. We don't know either way, but I'm just saying, they'll squash stuff like that, especially in a football factory like Florida State, the stuff gets squashed.

But there must be a lot more to the story. I'm hoping to God that it's not true or whatever. But this kid's got a real attitude problem. They used to talk about Johnny Manziel,

you know, being cocky because when he'd score a touchdown, he'd talk about Johnny Manziel, you know, being cocky because when he'd score a touchdown, he'd rub his fingers together like, you know, moolah money, and he'd go out partying and shit. This kid is, you know, this kid's way out of control. And he's only hurting his future, idiot. He's hugely talented. It would be a first-round draft pick, I'm guessing. I mean, you won the Heisman last year.

So, anyways, he's going to be reinstated, playing next weekend. But, yeah, I didn't really know anything about it. I'm like, why would he yell that? So I freaking Googled it. It would show some lady doing a live interview, a news reporter at a local anchor station, know anything about it i'm like why would he yell that so i freaking googled it and like it would show like some lady doing a live interview a news reporter at a local anchor station in like in ohio or somewhere and she's interviewing some guy and the guy's like yeah i saw the oil spill i was

sitting on my front porch and i'd fuck her right in the pussy it was fucking and that gets like three million you know that gets like three million views. You know what I mean? A guy's more famous than I'll ever be, the guy that did it. It's a guy with like a hoodie and a beard. That's what it's come to, you know? I'm playing nightclubs for 28 years, trying to get famous. I could just throw a kitten into a food processor with my dumb face right next to it and become famous.

But that's what it's come to. You can really manipulate the media. Like the girl, like the anchor woman at KTVA. Did you see that? It was hot looking. Again, this is a black girl, very good looking. She was a TV reporter up in Alaska. she was a TV reporter up in Alaska.

And, well, let me just play the clip for you. Her name is Charlo Green. She quit on air on the 10 p.m. newscast on Sunday, revealing herself as the owner of the medical marijuana business Alaska Cannabis Club

and telling viewers that she'd be using all of her energy to fight for legalizing marijuana in Alaska. But this is how she went about getting attention for it. Now, everything you heard is why I, the actual owner of the Alaska Cannabis Club, will be dedicating all of my energy toward fighting for freedom and fairness, which begins with legalizing marijuana here in Alaska. And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice, but

fuck it. I quit. Alright, we apologize for that. Listen to this poor white anchor woman shitting her pants. We'll be right back. Pardon uh pardon for us meanwhile the vote yes on to campaign oh part of me i don't know i'm i'm caught here i mean part of me admires her but but a part of me this is what's wrong with the world this is you know to get attention um you know she did because we're all talking about it

but uh i mean somebody hired you you know good luck if you want to go back into that field you can't break the trust like that that i hope the weed thing works out for her or she you know she's in deep doo-doo but uh can you imagine the boss's face it was so funny when they threw it back to the anchor woman she the other anchor woman was just shitting her pants. She didn't know what to do. We apologize. Imagine seeing that live. You're sitting there watching it.

God. God. KTVA, Charlo Green. We got to follow her future, huh? Ooh. Somebody going to get canned. Well, she got canned,

but I'm saying. That's about it. I think we've covered everything. Let me play, I'll play one more clip. This is of me me I got older stuff From Raw Nerve This is from the Toronto Comedy Festival

The reason I listen to some of this I don't even remember these bits anymore You know Because I'm always moving I try to move forward But there's some funny shit Should put a set together. Actually get some exposure on national TV,

but it's the plastic surgery bit. I've never seen more good-looking women in one city in my life. I swear to God. I'm not saying that to get laid. I don't care. But seriously, and you're naturally pretty, even the older women.

It's not like L.A. Everybody's doing Botox and stuff. Let me tell you something. If you're naturally pretty Even the older women, you know It's not like L.A., everybody's doing Botox and stuff Let me tell you something If you're an older person And you're going to do Botox on your face Don't forget about the skin on your neck Have you seen these people on TV? Their skin on their face is so tight

Looks like they pulled a condom over a pumpkin But their neckcks got more wrinkles than a sharp haze balls dipped in ice water. Yeah, right, Nick. Fuck yourself. You spent 20 grand on your face. Why don't you spend another 15 bucks on a turtleneck? Yeah, you dummy.

You got the forehead of a 10-year-old girl and the neck of a snapping turtle. I wish I could remember this shit. Their face doesn't match their neck. If you ask somebody to guess your age, and their first guess is 21, and their second guess is 78. It's the kind of material that's got me doing a podcast in my basement. All righty, kids.

Got a new clip I'm going to play. Anytime we play something of somebody that's irritating us, somebody that's irritating me, if there's a male being interviewed, it has to be a guy, I guess. But I'm going to play this. Girl, I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. That's Tony Soprano talking about his son, AJ, during therapy. Somebody told me to play that on Twitter.

And it is one of my favorite clips. He's talking about, he goes, come over, my son's in a chit-chat room, fucking giggling with some jerk-off, like a little fucking schoolgirl. I want to smash his fucking face. Girl, I want to fucking smash his fucking face in. That's the Feel Good Podcast, isn't it, kids? Well, that's about it. Chicago this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

and October I'm busy so if you're in the area like I said Foxwoods are up in Boston the week after that or in the Niagara Falls area Seneca Casino it's going to be good

working on some new stuff I guess that's it is that it Um, it's going to be good. Working on some new stuff. Uh, I guess that's it. Is that it? Remember these words, kids. I love you for helping me to construct of my life, not a tavern, but a temple. cavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means.

And that is why I love you. The guitar solo Bye.