The Nick DiPaolo Show - 049 - Chicago, Jeter, Lollipop

Episode Date: September 30, 2014

Chicago, Jeter, Lollipop

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how are you? What it is? It's Monday again, that's what it is. Holy moly, it comes quick. What's happening? I actually put a few hours into preparing these things because I'm so bad with technology. Again, not illiterate as far as a computer and technology, but damn close. You know, pulling my own clips and stuff, something that would take somebody, you know, in their 20s to do, probably in 22 seconds. Takes me about two hours to pull shit. I'm telling you.

I just got back from what? I got back from Chicago. You're lucky I'm even here today. As you may or may not have heard while I was in Chicago, I'm watching like college football and all of a sudden some news story comes on i'm half paying attention um some not some disgruntled employee in the aurora facility that's uh where it's a facility where um

in illinois that provides all the you know the information and the radar and all that stuff to both towers in the airports in Chicago, the major airports over here in Midway. Some disgruntled employee lit the computers on fire, cut the cables and then try to kill himself by cutting his wrist. Guy named Brian Howard. That name is burned into my bugging memory. But I'm sitting there watching. This is how I'm watching college ball, listening. Then the news comes on, and I'm like, oh, those poor pricks, huh? They'll never get out of Chicago. Just forgetting completely that I'm sitting in a hotel

three minutes from O'Hare. And then I'm like, wait a minute, this might affect me. I turn it up, And then I'm like, wait a minute, this might affect me. I turn it up. And they were interviewing people. 1,400 flights canceled in Chicago between O'Hare and Midway. And I'm like, holy shit, this could affect me. And the guy, and I'm waiting for the report to say how long the guy goes at the end. Maybe up to 72 hours of backed up flights that could affect people leaving Chicago this weekend. That's nice that I'm laying there. This is how like immature I am. I'm just, you know, I'm so used to having other people take responsibility. Call my agent, a manager that I'm like, holy shit, I got to get on the phone. Actually, that all happened on Friday.iday i should say friday afternoon not saturday and uh i'm like now i gotta get on the phone and and you know rearrange my trip but i'm like oh i don't want to do that right now i'll wait till saturday maybe something good will come of it

and uh i wake up saturday morning and there's a message on my cell phone from american airline your flight on sunday to white plains airport has been canceled thank you oh i don't do well with the customer service people you know whether it's verizon or an airline or home depot i just i have horrible you know i have a short fuse and um i think the customer comes last today so i uh i should i should have um delegated it i should have doled off this work to my wife. But she had enough problems. Our horse has ligament problems. I'll get to that in a few minutes.

And she has enough on her plate. So I'm like, I'll take care of this. I'm on the phone all after American Airline. And I know, look, I understand they have a shitload of pressure because of all these cancellations, but, you know, you're supposed to try to hide your anger. You shouldn't be angrier than me, okay, if you're working customer service for somebody. I didn't fuck up your weekend. You fucked up mine, even though it wasn't an American airline employee per se.

It was somebody the FAA contracted out to this guy, this lunatic. Nice job vetting him. I guess he was in the Navy 10 years ago, but had a history. But you know, they're saying his name is Brian Howard, probably Akma Shamal Shabubi W. Hachens now.

But then I call American airline. Isn't huh when you you like uh you get an emergency situation you want to make sure you want to get out of there by this time i felt like i'd been there a week not that it was a bad trip i just i i can't do it i fucking hate the hotels i'm just like the late great patrice o'neill he hated the road just like i do for the same reasons just uh again when you're young and chasing pussy and and landing some of that pussy you know you can you can make a weekend go by in a hurry but uh when you're renting blocks of porn at 110 a chunk and the only you know fun you can have is walk over to the mall and um you know stare up the escalator at girl skirts. It makes for a long weekend.

Anyways, I'm on the phone with American Airlines, and they go, yeah, your hold time is an hour and five minutes to an hour and 55 minutes. Are you fucking kidding? What, do they have three people servicing the whole world? How is that frigging possible? But they do have the good thing now that you can, they'll call you back if you leave your cell phone number.

But Jesus Christ, you're really going to trust them? So finally, they call me back after about an hour and 40 minute wait. And this woman's got an attitude right off the bat. Sir, I didn't ask you that. If you get my drift. Like, you know, she couldn't work that wendy's a burger king but just just that there was just a level of anger in her voice and i'm sure she's under a lot of pressure but i'm trying to give her the flight information of the original flight that was canceled and she's talking

over me and um you know how you have that delay on the cell and just fucking sir i'm trying to tell you i'm like watch your tone i'm the just fucking, I'm trying to tell you, I'm like, watch your tone. I'm the frigging customer. Now she gets quiet. Now you know I'm fucked. You can't do that. You can't, you can't do that. You can't let them know you're pissed or curse at all because then you know what they're going to do?

Again, I don't trust too many people in the world. They're going to pretend to book your flight. And you're going to find out when you get there. Nothing ever gets booked. But we go through this rigmarole. I'm like, calm down. She's telling me to calm down. And, you know, she says, this is a 1030 flight.

It's flight 380 or whatever. And I'm like, okay. I'm trying to put on this fake nice thing. And then I'm going through all that shit with her, I hang up, and I go right to their website to check. She's got the flight number wrong, number one. So again, and here I am going, maybe it was just an honest mistake,

but that's not me. I'm like, shit, motherfucker. She's trying to fuck me over. She didn't like my tone, I didn't like hers. She gives me like the wrong flight number. I wasn't even leaving at 1040. I didn't like hers. She gives me like the wrong flight number. I wasn't even leaving at 1040. It was some horseshit. Oh, is anybody like, are there any, you know, this is where management comes in. You're supposed to train these fucking people.

She sounded like, uh, they just pulled her off the street. So I actually call back again a couple hours later and go through the whole thing, you know, and you got to go through the goddamn, you get that menu, you can't even talk to a real person for the first 10 minutes, what, what, you know, they give you a press one for reservations, two, if you clog the toilet at O'Hare, three, you know, if you want to hijack a plan, they just give you like 19. So I hit reservations, and then they give you 19 more choices, existing resume. I'm like, is this existing? Because I already canceled my, they, like I said, on Saturday morning, I got the call saying my

flight was canceled. And they put me on another one on Monday. And I was ready to get out of there on Saturday. Okay, even though I was scheduled to go home on Sunday morning. But they put me on like a 1 p.m. And so I immediately said yes to that in case that was my last option. I don't know my options yet. So then, anyways, I get another lady and I'm like, I go, you know,

and then she starts getting a little hot under the collar. Well, I said yeah i just talked to somebody and she had a horrible tone she's like well can you blame her so right away she's taking the fucking asshole side and i'm like yeah i can blame her i'm the paying customer what can i help you in give me a again they sounded like about an eighth grade reading education give me your flight information i'd be like which flight the one that the last angry lady just booked me on or the original one that i booked three weeks ago from o'hare to white plains anyways so we had a i had a discussion with her about the tone of the employees and she's starting to get mad at me and i'm like oh god she's gonna fuck me over too anyways this lady finds me a flight at 830 in the morning, right?

I'm leaving before the 1041. I don't know why this other girl missed that. And so I got on that. And this is where I have a problem. I could have just said goodbye at that point. She said, anything else I can help you with? And then I paused and just said a no, thank you. I could have gone, yeah, tell yourworkers or whoever manages them to watch their tone with

the customers. I said, you were very helpful. That last woman was a real bitch. And then there's more awkward silence. I should have just hung up the phone. And I can't fucking help it, though. You know, these tickets aren't for free. You're supposed to serve me. Be my master. These tickets aren't for free. You're supposed to serve me. Be my master. But other than that, anyways, I got home. I got on the 830 flight, which was actually earlier than the original flight I booked a month ago to come home.

So I was home by noontime. But Chicago was great. It's a great city. I don't know. That's how I know I'm tired of the road. I actually love the city, even though I wasn't in the city proper for the last two days. The first night I landed in O'Hare, right, had to do a radio promo at five o'clock. They rushed me to radio with Richard Roper. Remember we used to have him on Nick and Artie? Who's a funny cat. I like this guy. He's on with some guy named, I think it's Rocon. They were great.

So I do that radio there and just crying for sleep. Because once again, I woke up every hour on the hour, the night before I fly. You'd think I had never done this before. So I'm totally exhausted. Go back. I laid out on the bed. I just start to have a little dream. And the frigging phone rings.

It's the limo guy downstairs to bring a little dream. And the frigging phone rings. And it's the limo guy downstairs. And to bring me to radio. And then he brings me back. And then I walked to. Oh, I went and had sushi in Chicago. I know. Should have went with a pizza. I did that the next day.

But went to the gig, which is called the section of Chicago Old Town, it's called. It's on North Wells Road. We're in Chicago. It's a club called Zany's. It's been there forever. There's pictures of Leno and young Seinfeld. Everybody's done it. It only holds about 140 people.

Thank God it was sold out. I would have been disappointed. But they were all DePaulo fans. They couldn't have been better, man. They were cracking up at everything and just it's a it's a narrow room that holds 140 people but everybody's right in front of you directly a guy named Bert Haas runs it he's been he's the owner and he wears a suit and tie this nice guy just a super guy and the place hasn't changed in England the last time I was there had to be, it had to be 20 years ago.

I've been in Chicago since. I used to play something called the Funny Firm twice a year. They paid me more because Zany's downtown was a small club, and you'd have to do 1,000 shows because it's only 140 seats to make it worth your while financially. But I walked in, and it was just like i had been there the week before everything was the same it smelled the same it looked the same and it was packed and i love chicago audiences it's a big town with a small town uh attitude

they're the nicest people like i said there's a lot of depalo fans a lot of people on twitter that i recognized and uh and the you know who else was in the audience? You know how I had my driveway done a few weeks ago? The people that did my driveway were in Chicago for a birthday. Intercontinental Paving, I think it's called. So they came with like a few people. And it was great. It was a killer show.

And these guys, these people just laugh at everything even when they even when you offend them a little bit they can be a little touchy because they're a little nicer than us northeastern assholes they're not as jaded for some reason hold on let me make sure my wi-fi is off during the uh i can actually fuck things up uh-oh there we go we'll just stop recording but now it's recording again anyways so uh killer show um at uh the original zany's downtown and then what happens the next day i gotta go get up early i'm just giving you a little rundown what comics do on the road car picks me up at like 6 30 6 45 for seven o'clock radio guy named jonathan brandmeier damn it i should have looked

up his info um great radio great radio guy i go in there a lot of times you're going to plug the shows and they get into conversations have nothing to do with the shows they ask about you others this guy had the whole half hour, like, dedicated to me. He pulled up old clips of me on roasts. He pulled up stuff from Sopranos. You could tell he was a huge fan. And I think this show is pretty popular in Chicago. But he did a great job.

And it was fun watching this guy work. But it was worth going in. And when I left there, I go, now, that's a promo. He plugged the shows about 20 times, played clips of me, some older stuff, some newer stuff, me on the Sopranos, and it was just, he gets it, he gets it, you know, so that was actually worth it, so then I come down from radio, and by the way, it was right across from building 444, when you watch the old Bob Newhart show. His office, you know, the office tower that he worked in that they show all the time. Right across the street.

So, yeah, then he brings me to the new hotel, which is out by O'Hare, which is about, you know, 20, 25 minute ride from where I was staying downtown Chicago. And so he brings me out to the hotel the new hotel now it's what quarter and nine and I'm wide awake I have to have coffee I did my coffee you know for the radio now I'm wide awake this is this is these are the days that kill you it's out by the airport um the club is five minutes from the hotel at the airport um it's uh rosemont illinois so right outside of chicago's o'hare but it's zany's a beautiful room i i check it out during the day but it's at an outside entertainment complex right next to a toby keith's which is a huge restaurant toby keith has and you know there's a bunch of bars and restaurants outside and um but which is not

ideal because people get fucked up people get fucked up and they you know they'll come out of toby keith's or some bar and be walking by and then see my headshot and think i'm uh you know fucking sunny from young and the restless or or they they'll think I'm Joe Pesci's in town. And they come wandering in having no idea who they see. But the club was beautiful. Nice club. It reminded me of Helium in Philadelphia. And the crowds were great.

I think the first show Saturday night was sold out. And the second one was pretty close. Friday was so-so. But beautiful stage, good sound system. Yeah, so it was good. There's only one thing. There was a Saturday night first show, which is sold out. Is a woman having a birthday.

Girls, can I speak to you? This goes for guys too, but mostly girls. Don't come to the frigging comedy club if it's your birthday or a bachelorette party. Why would you want to do that, right? I mean, don't you want to go someplace we can actually talk and have fun and get drunk? And the club sat them right up front, pretty close to the front. And I didn't even really know, but I was in the green room. And the first guy came in the emcee and said, this is a fucking obnoxious birthday party.

And I'm like, oh, come on. I wish these clubs would just, I guess they have to do it. I guess they have to book them because these broads drink a ton of booze and you know, who's going to turn away a party of 12 or whatever. But it never works out good.

It never does. And sure enough, there were people complaining actually during the second act show complaining that a man of these girls are being too loud so they were warned repeatedly before i get up there and they were good for about 10 minutes and then you know the girls got this thing on her head i don't even know what the fuck i made a tinfoil or some shit she had leftovers from toby keese on her fucking head i don't know what it was, but then our friends, they get, and then they get loud, you get drinks, and you, chicks get drinks,

and don't realize how loud they're talking, so I asked them to be quiet once, and then they started yelling out one more time, and then the club jumped in and threw them out, which I, you know, they were just doing their job, I didn't really realize how much shit went down before I had come to the stage, because I was in the green room watching college football with my hand on my pants. And so, you know, the manager jumps in. It's a judgment call. And a lot of times we'll have a little signal we say to the door people or the security, like, can you get me a club soda and throw it in that fat broad's face? So they toss these girls and of course one of them yells we're being thrown out because we

were laughing too loud which is not they always say that so it's so classic i've seen this a thousand times they always yeah we were thrown out because we were laughing no you weren't you're being fucking chatty bitches and you get all mouthy and you got beer balls and you're way too bumptious. I love that word. So they were asked to leave. But it's a tough call because it you know, then the rest of the chicks in the audience are like, oh, this guy had those girls thrown out an asshole. It depends on like if they've had enough of them, which the tables around were complaining. But if the audience, you know, the audience, that's a touchy situation. There's a delicate balance in a live comedy club, you know, because if you throw a table out too quickly, then they sort of blame it on whoever's on stage.

Like this guy, this guy won't let us do anything. But they were obnoxious enough when the emcee was on and the feature act. So people were kind of glad. I heard a little bit of a round of applause when they were asked to be thrown. I actually defended them the first time in my life. I wish we got this on tape. But I said, nah, you don't have to go. I don't want them to, you know.

But the manager insisted on it. And then when I heard what went on earlier, I couldn't blame him, you know? So, but nobody gives a fuck. It's your birthday, okay? It's not Chuck E. Cheese. I'm not a frigging clown. Well, kind of, but nobody cares. You're an adult.

For Christ's sake. Last time I got excited about my birthday, I was at the University of Maine, you know? This woman was like no spring chicken. You're a friggin' adult. Fuck. Sit down. Shut up.

Okay, it's your day. We're gonna let the other 200 people that pay to get in have their night ruined by you. Anyways, that was, but the gigs were good. Gigs were good. And a lot of them

brought up the podcast i mentioned the mc mentioned they get a nice uh so i see it's a it's a good thing it's catching let's keep it going um so that was chicago the hell else went on yeah so i come home and well while i was there the wife i call her and she's a little upset and i'm like oh boy and uh you know our horse lollipop no we didn't name it that was the horse's name we call her lolly but anyways i could tell the wife was a little upset and the horse had a little bit of a swollen leg last week and somebody one doctor diagnosed it as nothing too big then my wife should they told that they told my wife that

you know you could lightly i don't know take the horse out a little bit or whatever anyways long story short she goes there on she gets a call on like fr Friday from the people at the barn saying her leg is really swollen and whatever. So my wife has a different doctor look at it. And same diagnosis. They do, like, an MRI right in the stable. And the diagnosis is, right, some ligament that's torn behind the horse's knee. But when you touch it, the horse doesn't really flinch or whatever but the uh the guy was trying to put her shoe on put her shoes on and when he lifted like

the good leg the horse almost like collapsed or whatever so that was a tip that the thing was um there was something definitely wrong so the second doctor did another mri and came up with the same conclusion but saying it's a complete tear and then the first doctor thought it might have been a tear or an infection in her leg which it wasn't an infection at all anyways the wife has enough i mean you know i mean you know what happened recently in our lives with my my brother-in-law that that tragedy so my wife's having a tough month here and that horse has been a great release for her and um so you get nervous when you hear that because um whenever it's a horse's leg you know what happens if it's bad enough but of course you

know i try to be patient which i'm not and i'm like i told you, I told you in your bio, which is not what she needed to hear at that point, that's why I suck as a husband, but then, you know, I sent some loving text, but yeah, so the horse has a torn ligament, the doctor says he thinks she tore the ligament when she was doing a a skinny post that's a past pattern for you gay folk who don't watch football um but i told you remember i i remember on a previous podcast when i got this horse that i was worried and uh because i know i know from other people that a lot of things can happen to it. And I said, this better not end up like the Sopranos, where I'm

Ralphie Cifaretto and Tony Soprano is my wife. You know this scene I'm talking about. The horse was no fucking good with the fucking colic all the time and the fucking builds. What are you talking about? She bounced back. This time. But each time it takes something out of him.

It was all downhill from here. Now I know it's tragic to think this way, but you can't argue with the fucking logic. Jesus Christ, you did it. You cooked that fucking horse alive. No, I did not. No, it's not gonna get

to that, I hope. Oh, mother of God. That scene ends, by the way, with Tony killing Ralph in the kitchen and Christopher dismembering him in the tub. But when my wife first, you know, wanted that horse, that scene went through my head a hundred times. You know know very delicate but the doctor said don't worry

no horses told my wife no horses have been put down for this ligament but it could take three to six months it's day to day like most defensive backs in the NFL so

lollipop did I tell you I got on that horse a couple weeks ago, I don't even think I mentioned that, you know, I'm scared shit of horses, well, a lot of guys are, you know, but I actually got on it for like two seconds, it's so funny, because the horse didn't, doesn't know what to do, if there's somebody on its back that doesn't know how to ride it, it doesn't know what to do, because you send signals to it like with your ass cheeks it's really complicated this type of uh riding i thought you just dug your heels into the horse's ass and it took off you know and then you pulled on the left brain if you wanted to make a hard left but just sitting on that thing i was getting a little freaked out i'll say it again i don't understand how women can be freaked out by a mouse or a fucking bee or a spider.

Yet they don't have a problem getting on these giant freaking animals that if it ever fell on you, it'd crush you. I don't understand that. I got on the thing for like 10 seconds. I'm like, okay, that's enough. Plus I have the hips, you know. I have the fucking hips of Hyman Roth. What else went on? So that was, yeah, so the horse is, I don't know,

she's going to have to ride somebody else's horse for a while and walk that one around. That's the latest on Lollipop. What the hell else went on when I was away over the weekend? Oh, of course, we had Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter. So I saw that, his final game. You know, watched that yesterday when I came home at Fenway.

The Jeets. Hey, look, definite first ballot Hall of Famer. No doubt about it. But you got to admit, if he played his whole career in Milwaukee or San Diego, would he really be known as this much of a legend? I know you're going to go, well, he didn't. He played in New York. Yeah, I know.

He's surrounded by great teams. He was an average shortstop. But here's why he's so great. And even as a Red Sox fan, I got to love him. Guy was so consistent and I watched him. I've been in New York forever and watch the Yankees every night. Cause like I say, you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And you know what? That guy, I don't ever remember him loafing down the first baseline ever for any reason and just consistency he fielded everything at shortstop might he might not have got to balls like ozzy smith got to a really great shorts but he was so consistent you know he made the plays you're

supposed to make and he was definitely clutch in the playoffs and he has those rings so he definitely as far as him being this super ambassador and stuff i think so that that's kind of true but as i think phil mushnick said it i had always been thinking it um he had a lot of eddie haskell in him remember eddie haskell from leave it to beaver hi mrs cleaver doesn't your hair look beautiful today and then he'd be a real prick i think gita had a lot of that in him but um he definitely he was media savvy and very smart and uh i'd like to i really would like to meet gita because you know i think he i got a feeling he's a funny bastard something tells me he's got a great sense of humor and he looked like he was enjoying himself at Fenway in these last few weeks. But I think, you know, he used to, I used to notice a lot of call strikes. He would kind of whine. He'd do it very, but again,

he was smart about it. A little bit of a diva here and there, but he really knew how to handle the media and he really knew how to fuck girls, apparently. But they made him out to be so different than all the other boys. And I'm like, come on, really? The guy's been making $18 million a year for the last 20 years. He built a 48,000-square-foot house in Tampa a couple years ago. But according to the commercial, the car he chooses to drive is the Ford Edge. Apparently, that's how you get supermodel pussy like Hannah Davis

by driving a subcompact with the, you know, four cylinders and cloth seats and roll-up windows. So don't give me that. He's just like anybody else else he loved the buck and the limelight but obviously a lot of charity work and just super clutch and consistent and his numbers are tremendous people i hate when people go well his numbers are good only because he played so long yeah that's part of being a great player staying healthy and taking care of yourself and being so consistent and uh so it was at fenway park which was which was great let's be honest it was great that his last game was i mean it would have been only thing better could have been obviously in new york but uh if you're going to have an away game for gita's last game it has to be in the belly of

the beast his archenemies, my Red Sox. So it was perfect. And like the classy organization that it is, the Red Sox really outdid themselves and showed how much, you know, total respect for the guy. And I think the Yankees would do the same. So, yeah, it was a little too lovey-dovey, though, you know what I mean? I'm glad they're gone. I'm glad, finally,

that core four is gone. I think the Yankees, the fans kind of obsessed on that core four. It kind of lived in the past a little too long. Should have been looking forward. You know, you get nothing in the farm system,

but I'm sure you'll go out and replace the Jeets. But tremendous. And, you know, it'll be in the farm system, but I'm sure you'll go out and replace the Jeets. But tremendous. And, you know, it'll be cool to meet that guy someday, something else. But how about, oh, they had this girl go out and sing, this Michelle or whatever. She was on The Voice. She's from Massachusetts. And I don't know whose idea it was.

Michelle Brooks Thompson went out and sang Respect. I guess Ella Fitzgerald was supposed to do it, but she turned her ankle playing softball. So this girl comes out who was on The Voice, apparently, a Massachusetts chick. She had a great voice, but how embarrassing for Jeter. Let's play a little of the audio there. to go there god damn what a voice What's Jeter supposed to do at that point?

He's standing there with this dumb look on his face. I know they meant well. It was a good idea, I guess. But it's so embarrassing. He's kind of like whispering to the guys next to him. And it's going to be so embarrassing. He's kind of like whispering to the guys next to him. And it's so, it's got to be so awkward. And it reminded me of when my wife, I brought her to San Francisco once. It was my birthday.

I was performing at the Punchline. And we went to some diner one afternoon. And it was my birthday. And all of a sudden, a bunch of of a couple of waiters and a couple of waitresses started singing happy birthday to me and i was so goddamn embarrassed that i actually got mad at my wife which again is stupid good intentions obviously but i felt like a dickhead holy shit they're sitting and the dine is pretty full and everybody's looking at me i'm like i don't know I didn't fucking ask for this.

People are looking at you like you ordered it. Yeah, I wanted myself embarrassed while I was having a cheeseburger. God, I felt silly. They weren't stupid striped shirts and paper hats and shit. I just wanted to throw my milkshake in this guy's face over the top. Happy birthday. But that's how Jeet's looked like he was blushing. up happy birthday but that's how jeet jeets was uh it looked like he was blushing but uh the socks did a nice nice tribute to that guy they had all the uh if you didn't see it and

sure you have but uh bobby or all the like former captains troy brown for the patriots and paul pierce carl yastrzemski i mean all these legends were there to, that was so cool to see Bobby Orr and Jeter, man. That was, I got to admit, I got a little emotional seeing the Jeets final at bat, beats out an infield hit. But that was cool. And when he went over to Clay Buchholz, who was pitching, and I'd like to know exactly what he said. It was something you could tell there were, you know,

some respect there on both parts. They always say you should groove him one or whatever, which is total bullshit. I guess the players don't agree with that. There's an inside code. No, you pitch the guy like you'd pitch him if it was a playoff game. You try to get him out. I think that's what Buchholz did, and Jeter appreciated it. That seemed to be the case, according to the announcer.

That's what it seemed to look like. But the Jeets beats out an infield hit. And you know what, though? He timed it perfect as far as retiring because his tank is empty. You know? He did that even perfectly. His tank is empty. What I don't understand, and somebody can explain this to me,

is why for the last couple weeks didn't he want to play like every inning since he'll never play again i mean i guess that would look selfish because you know he's not the player he was and this and up till a few weeks ago the yankees were still trying to get a wild card slot and um but why like i don't know why not play it short like this game this series against the uh socks which was by the way the most meaningless series for both teams, which is kind of ironic with Jeter retiring, but it was the most meaningless series probably in the last 100 years that these two teams have played. And I'm just wondering why they wouldn't let him be out there at short and stuff and then take him out, whatever,

you know, sixth or seventh inning. Don't you want to get your last licks in i don't know so it's like the third inning gerardi looks out on gerardi's like do you want to come out or not i love gerardi i love gerardi he almost looked irritated he's like giving him the cut sign do you want to come out what the fuck we're trying to win a game here. And the Jeets. So that's how it ended. But well done, Derek Jeter. True legend. Clutch. The Boston people will miss hating you.

What's that like? He wakes up, huh? What's that like? He wakes up today. What is he? 39, 40, whatever. What's that like? He wakes today? What is he, 39, 40, whatever? What's that like he wakes up? He's already got a half a billion in the bank. I might be a little high with that, but you know he's got at least that coming to him for the next 30 or 40 years. What

is that like? What do you do? I stay in bed till about five o'clock today. That's what I do. And then I get up and, um, and then I get up if I'm Jeter and I go on Twitter and I just put up pictures after pictures of all the hot frogs have banged over the last 20 years, just pussy after pussy. And then I just rubbing it in people's faces, being just the opposite of what they said you were just being an asshole. Hey, fuck you. I'm done. And and i'm rich what's he gonna do what's that like waking up he's financially said he has been forever but what's it like now he i mean doesn't have a he can do anything he wants get used to seeing his face on tv whether it's commercials or in the booth or

i mean how cool is that at that age? That's pretty amazing. Still with that Hannah Davis, too. She must be a piece of ace. She's a dangerous combination. So the Jeets. So now we can get down to some good baseball. And again, these podcasts are tricky, because I don't do them live right now, so when I talk

about this shit, you know, I try not to do too much like on, you know, what happened in the NFL yesterday or on a specific day. Because you guys could listen to this a month from now. So that's a little tricky. But baseball playoffs are here this week finally. You know, you got Tuesday. You got the A's at the Royals. How about a hand for the Royals?

First time they made the playoffs since 1985. A's at the Royals. How about a hand for the Royals? First time they made the playoffs since 1985. And, yeah, the A's who have been slumping. They get like the worst record in baseball since the All-Star break. Imagine they were the hottest team in baseball the first half of the season and they stink now. That could be interesting.

Then you got the Giants in that wild card game. At the Pirates. These are good. These are good. I like when you see these combinations. These dangerous combinations you haven't seen in a while. Giants and Pirates and Thursday. Tigers and Orioles.

It should be a good one. Max Scherzer is going against the Orioles, who actually won that division going away. And Cardinals at Dodgers. Wainwright at Kershaw. There's a matchup for you. Also on Thursday night. So, yeah, those are the teams in the playoffs.

Some guy pitched a no-hitter for Washington yesterday, I guess. I want to see what they're going to do. They're going to be tough. They get unbelievable pitch in the Nats. And then the Cardinals, Pittsburgh, and Dodgers and Giants, and there you go. Yeah.

What else? Oh, yeah. That nice beheading, huh? What was that, Oklahoma? Some guy worked for Vons? Black fella get fired? Of course, he had converted to Islam and was trying to convert his coworkers for the last year. Just a psychopath.

Ends up beheading a coworker. Okay? Okay, folks, I don't give a shit. I know right now you're going to go, oh, it's an isolated incident. That's workplace violence. Yeah, okay. What if he was a born-again Christian

and he was trying to convert his coworkers? Do you think he would have got fucking fired the minute he tried that? I do. This guy, you know, plus he had a record, just a psychopath. Apparently the owner of the company shot him.

Saved another woman to get stabbed. She's going to survive. But he cut off a co-worker's head. Let's think about that. I'm telling you, load up, folks. Load up on your ammo and your guns. Tell Bloomberg to kiss your ass. Yeah, I mean, it's getting fucking frightening, isn't it?

It really is. Going into New York to go to work. Going into the cellar a couple times this week. Haven't been down there in a while. The comedy cellar. Yeah, so that's kind of a dark time to be alive. That's what I said on the last one, remember? Getting kind of creepy out there.

And then you get Bo Deedle. You know who Bo Deedle is? I saw him on Imus in the morning. He's a famous NYPD cop. You know, he started his career like in the late 60s. You know who he is in Goodfellas? Remember when Henry's finally backing out of the yard at the end? And the cop puts a gun.

Don't you move, you motherfucker. I'll blow your brains out. That's Bo Deedle. He actually had a little cameo in good fellas now he's on like imus in the morning and uh he does like arby's commercials or one of those fast food chain commercials but he was uh on imus railing today i couldn't find audio about this uh civilian complaint review board that uh you know thinks uh cops shouldn't even use uh headlocks or chokeholds now or they're abusing it and all this shit you know, thinks cops shouldn't even use headlocks or chokeholds now, or they're abusing it and all this shit, you know,

just totally handcuffing the cops, and he went fucking cocoa. Couldn't find the audio. But that is such bullshit, man. So now, you know, they're talking about, there's a group, El Grito, I guess, in Brooklyn, which is Spanish for the cry, and they are a group that go around filming cops like all day. You know? Like it's the cops

that you should be protected from and not the scumbags that they're fucking arresting. But that's fine. I think that's good. This way you'll see the shit that goes on before the cops react. Right?

Because right now you don't see. You always. The only time people turn on their phones is when they see a cop tackling somebody and knocking them to the ground. It looks like the cop is being abusive and he's just trying to defend himself. They don't show you somebody throw a bottle at him or, you know, a sucker punch or whatever. You always catch the ass end like the Rodney. I almost said Dangerfield. Yeah, remember Rodney get pulled over?

The Rodney King thing. So I think this is good if the cops have cameras on them that you can see the whole situation and how stuff evolves. And I think you'll find out it's not the cops in the majority of times starting shit. This fucking de Blasio, unbelievable. What a twisted view of the fucking world. And he's got his wife sitting in on comp stat meetings or whatever it is, these real, these meetings that are, you know,

like go over statistics and shit. None of her frigging business. He's got his son and his wife sitting in. Just a fucking Marxist asshole. Clueless, anti-cop, I don't give a shit how you cut it. Wait till you see this city in a few years. It's unbelievable, man.

Fucking New York. What are you thinking? Mother of God. Yeah, so the cops, like that guy in Staten Island and Eric Garner, whatever his name was, Garner,

the guy that was selling illegal cigarettes. And remember the cops, supposedly put him in a chokehold and tackle him. Let's pretend that he didn't die because he was 200 pounds overweight and had, you know, all kinds of medical issues. But, yeah. Trying to handcuff the cops even further. That's a good idea, isn't it? When fucking ISIS is saying, we'll see you in New York

and all the horse shit is coming over the border. Yeah, good idea. Biggest city in the world that's already suffered the worst terrorist attack in this country. Let's handcuff the cops. Just think about that for a second. Get rid of stop and frisks.

Don't let them monitor mosques. Are you shitting me? I'd be ramping all that shit up. I'd be following every guy that has a falafel cart in New York. I'd be following him home. Fucking looking through his bathroom when he took a piss. If I was the mayor. What about your civil rights?

They're fucking gone right now. It's wartime. How about that? Oh, that's horrible. God bless the cops is what I say. Big fan of cops had a few come out by the way chicago cops and what was the guy's name nick dipalo spelled it the same way he hands me his card was like he's i mean my own business card spelled the same way him and his him and his i think it was his brother i think they were brothers to palos yeah and from from a brutsi in italy which is where my family probably related to the guy and if i had

any soul whatsoever i go on ancestry.com and find out but he was a i think he was a cop one of them was a cop gave me a t-shirt um pretty cool there's a lot of depalos spelled the exact same way in chicago yeah they were they were they were good dudes um yeah respect let's talk a little football before we wrap it up. Again, you know, I like the, it's funny. I like watching, I become like a, not a closet Mets or Jets fan,

but it's such a train wreck, like the Jets and the Mets for so long. It's like a good soap opera. Like Geno Smith, now the quarterback for the Jets and the Mets for so long. It's like a good soap opera. Like Geno Smith, now the quarterback for the Jets, and you get Michael Vick, the dog killer, as the backup. And I watched Geno Smith at West Virginia in college, and the guy can throw a football. I remember, like I said, he threw six touchdowns in one half, I think, at West Virginia once.

He can really throw a football. But I'm sorry, man, when I saw that that's what the Jets were, you know, going to put all their hopes on. He's a great athlete. He's not that good a quarterback. Yes, he's already better this year. But he's just, you know, he can scramble or whatever and he can throw. But, you know, he just makes really bad decisions at really bad times. Oh, they're in some deep shit, the Jets.

They had Stafford, and I think they got like Peyton Manning coming up, and Brady eventually, and Drew Brees. I don't know. All the best quarterbacks. Phillip Rivers. They have a streak for the next five weeks where they could be like, whatever, one or two and seven if they're lucky. But Genino.

Gino made some big mistakes once again. And the crowd started booing him, chanting for Vic. And apparently he said, fuck you to the fans. And of course the cameras caught it on the way off and uh i know i could sit here and go that's unprofessional what an asshole blah blah blah but i'm the last one to judge anybody um as far as like snapping and and shooting off your mouth when you shouldn't so it's got a wear on you man you know it's got a wear on you but uh they have a right they paid a ticket they have a right to yell that shit.

And if, you know, you got to be try to be smart because if you if you do respond, then you got to apologize and do that fucking dance for the next week or so. But, you know, he kind of he kind of snapped a little bit at the audience. And they're like, oh, you suck, Gino. And he's like uh boo you suck gino and he's like fuck you fuck you you suck boo boo you suck we want vick we want vick we want vick fuck you fuck you fuck you okay he went a little over, boy. Fuck you. Fuck you. Boo. Boo. We want Vic.

He'd suck. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh, this has got to feel good, doesn't it? I do the same thing.

You're on stage. Oh, that wasn't funny. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's funny. That's my famous quip. Imagine saying that and forcing people to laugh at your shit. So, Gino, you got to deal with it, man. You got to deal. What do you do? Do you throw in Vic? I got to be honest with you. I kind of like Vic. I know what he did was heinous and all that shit, and he did prison time. So I don't know.

I always kind of liked him. Seems like a badass to me. But he sure isn't the player that he was. When he came out of prison, it did. I don't know what went on, but you could see he was a year or two older. And freaking Jets. I don't understand, man. You're a New York team.

You can't go out and get a real quarterback, a trade for somebody. I know they're hard to come by, but you're not going to win Jack with Geno Smith as your starting quarterback. Fuck you! Fuck you! What do you mean, fuck you? I'm just voicing an opinion. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck opinion. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! You know who that is, don't you? I'm sure you guys do, you movie aficionados. That's Mel. So long, Mel. Have a good trip from Scarface. Hey, Mel. Why don't you write yourself One of those

Fucking round trip Tickets to the resurrection Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck Best fuck you ever I want that to be my doorbell

At my house Somebody pushes it Cause I don't take kindly to strangers over here anyways i don't know how i could play that story or play a story about the nfl without doing this huh gino smith, fuck you to the gun. And we'll be back right after this.

Isn't that in your head when you go to bed at night? By the way, folks, how about this? I think I had four right out of 15 yesterday. There's 78 people in the pool. I want you to listen close. I'm last. There's one person behind me, but it's a person who doesn't put in the pool. I want you to listen close. I'm last. There's one person behind me, but it's a person who doesn't put in every week.

So he automatically gets like the lowest score, whatever the lowest person got. So you can't even count that person. So it's me and another guy who are literally like tied for last out of 78 people. How embarrassing is that? I mean, it's really a crapshoot when you do this shit. You could literally throw a dart at a dartboard or pick names out of a hat and do better.

And I know that because 11-year-old girls win this thing sometimes. So what is that? What do I have fucking, as David Tell said, what did I fuck, a leprechaun? How can I be that unlucky? I mean, the first week I picked out of a hat because nobody knows nothing about the teams

on the first week of the NFL and got four. And I'm like, it's the last time I do that. I'm going to pick them. So the next week I picked my, picked the things myself. I got five. And then I think last week, week three, I had eight right. And a whopping four yesterday going into tonight's game. How fucking embarrassing. My mother's laughing at me. My brother's like third at the top. I said, what are you doing? You should be putting in real bets. And his son, who's 11, I think he's like second. What are you doing?

You should be in Vegas. I can't pick my ass. The league sucks doggy dick. I don't give a shit what you said. Pushing in the back every play, and I know I've discussed it, and I'm going to keep discussing it. NFL officials, listen to me.

Revisit that rule, because it's not the players. It's the rule that's wrong. When that is called on 60-something percent of the kick plays, that means the rule is wrong. You're asking players to do something that's not physically impossible.

And again, Howard Cosell pointed that out in the 80s, for Christ's sake. It's a push in the back on every other punt play. And they just keep going. Everybody's just so dumb and conditioned. I think he should be allowed to push the first guy down in the back. How about that? It has to be changed.

It's fucking ridiculous. And they're cutting their own throat, the NFL. They really are. I mean, the defensive backs, if you watch the game, I don't want to get into specifics. Again, because you guys could listen to this a month from now. But I'm just saying, the defensive backs put their hand on a receiver and look at them the wrong way. And it's a penalty and it's causing game delays, you know, interference in legal contact, every other play. And then you throw on top of that, the reviews, how long they take to review a play. You're slowing the game down to shit, and all the big hits get called. You're really cutting your own friggin' throat. And, uh, just boring.

Like I said, I watch college. It's a cleaner game. There's not a flag every three minutes. And, uh, by the way, Michigan lost to Minnesota in front of 110,000 people at Michigan. That poor prick Brady Hokes, he's gonna be on his way out, the poor bastard. Anyways. Yeah.

I guess Goodell had to do another perp walk, huh? They had him visit some domestic violence center or whatever. Tell me that's not a PR move. Probably a thousand cameras around. But I guess the NFL, and it's a good thing, they're going to make huge contributions to domestic violence, these organizations that prevent domestic violence, which is obviously smart, but it's not going to stop anything.

In the end, it's going to look like, yeah, we'll cut you a nice check, all right? Now can we get back to playing football? But they have to. They've got to do something, man. Half the league is going to be missing. Number 73, Cedric Hardwick is out for the week after

dry gulching his wife at a pool party. But, yeah, so they had the old Roger, the Dodger. Again, all the focus is on him and hardly on Ray Rice

or Adrian Peterson smacking his kid around. What the hell's the story on Goodell? Hey, Reese Witherspoon looks pretty hot. She doesn't look like she used to. She looks better now. She got older.

She reinvented herself. How do I know that? She's sitting right upstairs in my kitchen. She's right upstairs. How about the Steelers? Pittsburgh's... They're everything that's wrong with the NFL They only play to the level of the competition

It's been like that for the last 10 years with the Steelers They play to the level of the competition They could have given a shit You watch them against the Buccaneers Who gave up 56 points last week They could have given two fucks Of course they had the Steelers Like most people would

Where's Goodell? Of course, I had the Steelers, like most people would. Where's Goodell? Anyways, you know. Visiting some domestic violence thing. Read Phil Mushnick, too, in the New York Post when you get a chance. He hates the same stuff I do. He's all over me. That's the other thing. When they show a replay of a guy celebrating, that has to be a chick or a gay guy working

the camera. No true football fan or sports fan goes, oh, look, he's dancing in the end zone. Isn't that cool? Look at that. Jumping up and bumping chest. Show that again in slow motion. He's pounding his nobody gives a shit it has to be abroad i'm telling you not to be sexist ladies but i'm just saying stop showing us that shit anyways that's about it kids i'm dehydrated from the trip. What else? I got plugs.

What do we got coming up? October, I'm pretty busy. I love it. November, too. Going to get back into it. Sandy's, that's in the book book be in the city this weekend uh then uh october 9 10 and 11 oh my god i just remembered something i hope i didn't have a lied read today um well rob sprance can tack it on uh comics at foxwoods. This October 9, 10, 11. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Good time up there. Come up, gamble. Get on a bus with a bunch of old Chinese people. Have it flip over on the Deegan. Then October, the next weekend, the October 16, 17, and 18. I'm at Laugh Boston. It's a new club in my hometown.

Looking forward to it. And then October 23rd, Seneca Casino, Niagara Falls. And this just added in yesterday. The Comedy Works in Albany the following night, October 24th. Comedy Works, Albany. Come on out, kids. And then November 6th, 7th, and 8th, the Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey. How many works? Albany. Come on out, kids. And then November 6th, 7th, and 8th, the Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey.

Good club. Vinnie Brand runs that joint. Good guy. Brokerage in Belmore, Long Island, November 14th and 15th. That's with my boy James down there and the guys. They also run Governor's. One of my haunts. I love that place.

James is a funny cat. He belongs in the Raging Bull. He'd look perfect at the Copa as a doorman. Italian fella. He's the one I told you. He's the one I told you. You know, he has pinky rings on and all kinds of stuff. He's the one who was standing out in front of his club,

and there's an awning, you know, over the club, and his son comes up and goes, Dad, there's a bird's nest up there in the awning. And he goes, get the bleach. Get the fucking bleach. I bring it up on stage every time I work down there. Uncle Vinny's, November 22nd, Point Pleasant. That's about it, kids. Hope you enjoy yourself.

Jesus Christ, it's quarter to five. I was going to work out. Still doing the P90X, you know, like three times a week. Used to be five to six. Used to be six, actually. Six times a week. But the knees, after I do it, they creak a little. But it's still, it gets your heart rate up.

Did I tell you my heart rate was 47 at the doctor's a couple weeks ago? 47, resting. That's like a friggin', you know, a pro athlete. I had to point it out to the lady, the nurse. I go, that's pretty low. Well, now that you mention it, yeah. She's like, what do you do? I go, I lay on the couch, eat pretzels, and whack it.

That'll slow your heart down to nothing, sweetie. sweetie she said there's no reason to talk like that i said don't don't don't you um oh did i tell you what they had i got some audio of ray rice jesus before how did i forget this they got some new audio of the the audio in the elevator rice sounds more italian to me though but they say it's ray rice in the elevator with his wife. Why'd you do it, huh? Why'd you do it? I didn't do anything! Why'd you do it?

Why'd you do it? Why'd you do it? Why did you fuck them? Dude, why'd I do anything? I fucked all of them! What do you want me to say? What do you mean you fucked? Who'd you fuck?

I fucked all of them. Tommy, Salvy, your brother, all of them. I sucked your brother's cock. What do you want me to say? You sucked his cock. Yeah, I sucked his cock. And do you want me to say? You sucked his cock. Yeah, I sucked his cock and everybody else on the fucking street.

Only on the team. You're not but a fat pig, selfish fool. Oh, that did it. That's what he did right there. He should be in jail for that. Imagine.

Well, kids kids you know like Gino Smith said fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

fuck you fuck you fuck you like a kid with this that's it you guys are great and hope I see you

out at the clubs somewhere and let's get this thing cranking, huh? And, well, you know how I feel about you. And if you don't, this is how I feel about you. No, wrong button.

I love you for helping me to construct of my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. Yeah. You have done it by just... Pushing the bag. ...being yourself.

I'm a Liberace. Perhaps, after all, that is what love means. Pushing the bag. And that is why I love you. guitar solo guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm