The Nick DiPaolo Show - 050 - Di Paolotics

Episode Date: October 7, 2014

Di Paolotics

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, kids. What's up? Let's get this thing going. Let's get it over with. Like I said, preparation. I really try. I really do. But technology-wise.

What's happening? Interesting weekend, huh, folks? Bad weekend for the libs. That's right. This one's called the politics. You don't like it? Tough shot. All these people online that follow you, they think they like you as a comedian.

They don't want to hear, but, you know, your feelings about society in general. Which, you know, if you're not relevant, what's the point of doing comedy or music or anything? But, you know, you get the drunken idiots who want to come out and hear dick chugs. I don't want to hear any of that shit. I vote Democrat. I don't want to hear any of that shit i vote democrat i don't want to hear uh what the fuck uh did you see bill maher and ben affleck going at it on bill maher's show about uh you know radical islam versus the moderate islam and and um you know Bill Maher to me is finally right on something saying that there there's a that you know radical jihadists have a lot in common with so-called moderate Muslims you know as far as homosexuality and how they treat women blah blah blah and

guys like Ben Affleck don't want to hear it. He's saying, like, you can't lump the two in. And it's the same, you know, he's talking about black people because a certain amount of black people commit crimes. And then, you know, you generalize. And white people did generalize about black people, you know, for years, real racist. And then somehow, though, the left grabbed onto that. That is the worst thing you can do. I've been saying it forever to my friends.

Somehow that became the worst sin you could commit, is to generalize about minorities. And they're still holding onto that. Even when facts, you know, are staring in the face saying otherwise. And Bill Maher is basically saying how you know islam says if you're non-believer that you should be killed and um how um you know some of the moderate uh muslims beliefs overlap with jihadis but ben affleck didn't want to hear

it i wanted to play the uh excuse me one cigarette and sound like smoke a pack a day uh i wanted to play the audio but then it's like you know what i'm not gonna do that hbo knows who i am and and whatever you know i mean i don't even know that you can play clips so um but it was interesting because, you know, Bill Maher had this author on Sam Harris who agrees with Bill Maher and then you had Ben Affleck

and another author, Christoph, who agreed with Ben Affleck who was saying, you know, you're generalizing, you're being racist. It's the worst thing to compare the two. You can't just,

because, you know, a few bad apples, you're tarnishing the whole bunch. But it's more complicated than that. And I think Bill Maher actually makes a good point. Fascinating. You can YouTube it. Find it on YouTube.

And, you know, and Ben Affleck's a smart guy. But they just, it's that liberal, they just get blinded at that point. They can only go so far. Even when the facts are staring them in the face, they just can't make that leap. They're like going to throw it into the racism category. Oh, it's just so frustrating. But it was a good discussion, you know. And I like Ben Affleck's movies.

I think he's a good director director great actor and all that stuff you know just politically i don't know another harvard grad i think didn't go to harvard too like matt damon but it was fascinating to see like you know bill maher almost siding with like right wingers so uh it seems like he's coming around finally waking up i you know did i don't remember these here's my problem with these guys these real libs even like bill maher and affleck i don't they don't take the time to make the distinction distinction like when uh you know right wingers radical extreme right wingers blow up an abortion. I don't ever remember them taking the time to not lump in

just regular evangelicals with, you know, the nuts who blow up an abortion center. They never made that, take the time to make that distinction, but they, you know, but they sure do it when it comes to Muslims and, you know, to make sure. But, you know, the Rosie O'Donnells of the world just lump all the crazy right. Remember she said, Rosie O'Donnell said she was more afraid of right-wing Christians

than she were of, you know, terrorists from the Middle East. That was a quote by her. But they'll take the time to draw the distinction now. But it was fascinating. It was, you know ripping i love it when the libs start eating each other it's a good sign ain't it sure it is it's a complicated question i lived in astoria queens okay with a ton of uh muslims you know and and i have mixed reactions i remember the night we shot the Tough Crowd pilot.

We went into this, and I think I've mentioned this on the show before. We went into this storefront, like a little, I don't know. It had Egyptian writing on the front. It was a little diner-type restaurant. And they welcomed us in with our cameras and stuff. And we were filming them all local. And they're talking in Arabic. And then there was there was a i think i know i've mentioned this and then there was a door uh that led to a downstairs and i think colin tried to go down there and they all like got in

his way to this day it sticks out my mind who the hell knows what was who knows what was going on there you know were they plotting or maybe they didn't want to give away their uh sovaki recipe i don't know maybe that's where they were curing lamb legs but uh it was pretty freaking fascinating and uh yeah i was surrounded a story i mean you're surrounded by it's like walking around in the in the old testament i used to do a bit about seeing the three wise men getting out of a range rover you know um it was actually i gotta bring that bit back it's still relevant thanks to isis and whatnot um but i remember seeing a bunch of people dress you know and that that muslim garb under a bus stop and it looked

like a manger or whatever um i do remember the night after 9-11 or the next day, yeah, around 5 o'clock the next day, there was a cab driver on my street, Middle Eastern fella with his cab pulled to the side of the road, all four doors opening, cranking Middle Eastern music. This is on 9-12, the day after we get hit. Dancing in the, literally dancing in the frigging streets. So, I don't know what to believe.

I'd just like to see more moderate Muslims speaking up. You know, anytime there's an attack. But they don't. And they, you know, and people say they don't. Because they're afraid to speak out. Because then they'll get targeted by the more radical ones, which makes Bill Maher's point, actually, something that Ben Affleck didn't want to accept in this discussion.

The book, I didn't get the name of the book, but Sam Harris is the guy who wrote this whole book. He was on bill maher but it was a pretty cool but yeah it's fascinating living in a story was pretty fascinating another time i went into a bodega this guy was running we were shooting something again i can't remember if this was from my pilot that by the way obviously didn't go nowhere um that was a double negative that meant it went somewhere it actually went nowhere uh i went into the store and there was a muslim guy running it

to ask him it was uh right after 9 11 and um asking him about the uh you know this was a few years later about afghanistan and the war and all that stuff. And he got all emotional, you know, defending the United States. And I mean, I remember his eyes welled up saying, I remember Zach words, him saying, of course, we don't want young men from all over the country dying over there. And it was, you know, it was I'd never seen that coming from somebody, you know, like a devout Muslim and stuff. But it made me think twice about, you know, generalizing or whatever. So, and I'm sure the majority of them are peaceful, but some of their beliefs still overlap. So it's a pretty complicated question. But it's a question that could only pop up in a country as welcoming as the United States.

You know, we open our arms to everybody who wants to come here. So that's what makes me nuts when people call it racist. You know, probably the least, you can make the argument it's the least racist place on the planet. Can't find a more diverse country. Yeah, so pretty fascinating stuff hey did you on a lighter note did you see the picture holy shit i think it was page uh page 17 of the post today today meaning monday october or whatever i want to say sixth did you see the the picture of Bruce Jenner? It says Jenner Bender. What the fuck is going on? I know he's been, you know, changing over the years, let's say.

But did you see this picture? Holy moly. He's apparently he's headed off by himself to an Elton John concert in Los Angeles, but he's got hair like, I mean, he looks like a Irish whiskey drinking 60 year old woman who has pretty eyes and nice hair. But the neck is sagging and he looks like, you know, a type of body you might pick up after 21 beers if you put lipstick on him and gave him one of those lifestyle lifts. Got to work on the neck. He is, he's slowly transforming.

Why doesn't he just say, fuck it, get it over with, get in there, get it all done? Go to Midas, or Meineke, wherever they do it. You can have your neck tightened up when they put on a new muffler he actually has

a woman's eyes and now he's got this like beautiful brown hair which is brown and the guy's gotta be Christ I know he's 10 years older than me

it's weird Dennis Miller I remember Dennis Miller saying when did Bruce John Turner turn into Mrs. Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies?

Now he's, I don't know, it's crazy. It's crazy to me. Maybe not that you younger guys listen, because you only know him from the Kardashians or whatever. This guy was the greatest athlete on the planet in 19, was it Decathlon, 1976? And he was, you know, guys my age my age he was our idol he was the greatest athlete on the planet built like a brick shithouse like handsome and what the hell is going on

it's nuts page 17 in the post go on and look at it says uh says, Bruce John, who officially split from reality TV matriarch Kris Kardashian last month amid rumors of a sex change, goes it alone Saturday on his way to an Elton John concert in Los Angeles. Oh, my goodness gracious. I can't believe this is the same guy. I can't believe it. He must have been juicing and HGHing and all that shit. Had to be. Looks like a cougar now, an ugly cougar. I don't know what the age range is for cougars.

Maybe he's past that. What the fuck? Yeah. He looks like the type of, he looks like a... Like I said, like a plumber. Like a 60-year-old plumber if he had like 12 beers in him. I don't know. They're giving the last call.

I'm going to try to finger pop this thing. Ouch! Can't even look at it. It's disturbing the hell out of me. You know why? Because he has nice eyes. What? Yeah, you heard me.

It's a sad, sad world. Speaking of cool, because I'm still working on my jaws bit. Remember a couple weeks ago I told you about that bit? A story about me getting blown by a girl with really sharp teeth that actually scarred my penis. And every time I tell this story, I like to tell it

because I felt like Quint in Jaws being attacked on the orca by the shark. Yeah. April, Illinois. 1992. I bombed like the Hiroshima bomb. 90 people went into the club. I went down in about 12 minutes.

Didn't see the first coke whore. For about a half hour. Cougar, about a five footer. You know how you know. She's a cougar from the stage, Chief. You can tell by looking from the tits to the tail. First line of coke. Sluts come a-cruisin'

So many other comics We formed ourselves into tight groups It was sort of like you see in the calendars You know, the infinity squares And the old calendars Like the Battle of Waterloo And the idea was When a cougar come to the nearest comic

How many starts poundin' and hollerin' Sometimes a cougar would go away But sometimes she wouldn't go away Sometimes a cougar would go away, but sometimes she wouldn't go away. Sometimes a cougar look you right in the eye. And the thing about a cougar, she's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. Once you come at you, she don't even seem to be living until she bites you and those black eyes roll over white. And then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming.

The ocean turns red and despite all your pawning and your hollering, she keeps going down the shaft and she rips you to pieces. You know, by the end of the first morning, I lost a, I don't know, a pint of blood. I don't know how many comedians she blew. Probably eight, ten. She averaged to an hour. Thursday morning, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland.

Weak feature act. He pulled down his pants. He had been bitten in half below the waist. Next day on Sunday, I waited to board a jet blue flight back to New York. Young pilot,

a lot younger than Mr. Hooper here. Anyway, you know, that was the time I was most frightened waiting to board that plane. I'll never put on

a condom again. So, 90 men went into the club. I walked 68 of them. The manager comped the rest. 229, 90, 92, Navy Velo, and I, funny boy. Anyways, I delivered the load. Eventually, that's going to be funny.

I'll get all the corners off it. I rehearsed that. I've been rehearsing that in the shower for the last two weeks. That's right, folks. My brother's partially retired from being a successful marketing guy at Time Warner Cable. He's got a retirement home down in Naples. He's younger than me. He's on the phone today probably doing a conference call with 20 20 guys in suits and

i'm in the shower working on quint what happened what happened nick ah we gotta talk about ebola holy h what about ebola you don't know what to believe you know again i still stick to it for most of the experts I'm hearing from, there's nothing to worry about, like I said, unless you're wiping your ass with, you know, snakeskins and mud, and you're shitting into holes you dug behind your hut, and you call the local witch doctor when you get a fever. You know, it's bodily fluids so you know

first steps in preventing from getting ebola don't sit down to a nice bowl of monkey shit with traces of blood in it from a uh you know a chimpanzee from liberia um you know what i'm saying don't uh, just, you got to be careful. But, you know, here's the thing today, folks. We used to laugh at this shit in the news back in the 70s or whatever. But now that everybody's coming over here and everybody's flying, at least in the 70s, you had to, you know what I mean? You had to make a living to fly. And now taking a plane, it's like, it's no different than taking a greyhound bus

and uh people are going over there in the goody two-shoes the people that go over there to help you don't then come back here they're the ones we have to worry about where's my glasses they're on my nose um uh yeah we got uh first of all, you got the journalists, NBC journalists. Since I last talked to you, that came with Ashoko Mukpo. He's 33 years old. He's in Nebraska hospital. He was over there doing work in Liberia for NBC news when he became ill.

They think he might've got it, uh, when he was helping clean a vehicle that somebody died in that's another step if you don't want ebola don't don't lick the uh you know the upholstery of a dodge dart cleaning a vehicle somebody might have died in well i did that after my senior prom but um well I did that after my senior prom but STDs was all I was worried about but so he's in a he's in a hospital in Nebraska

what the hell I was trying to find out if he actually has it or not. He was able to walk off the plane, this guy, under his own power on Monday before being loaded into a stretcher. He went over there because his father said he wanted to help people of Liberia.

Because he had lived there for two years or working for a nonprofit. Imagine being that good a person. Holy Christ. Unbelievable. This is your thanks. So, yeah, it's getting crazy. So, yeah, it's getting crazy. Meanwhile, Governor Perry in Texas,

he's going to create a state task force to ensure Texas responds to infectious diseases like Ebola. He also called on federal officials to implement screening procedures at all U.S. points of entry. Yeah, who's going to execute that and administer that? The same people that are making me take my shoes off who read at a fifth grade level? Screeners would take travelers' temperature and conduct other assessments to determine overall health. Who's going to do that? Are you going to get doctors to do that? If it's not the doctors, is it going to be the actual TSA people?

You've got to be shitting me. Ah, anyways. Then you get that guy in Dallas, that guy Duncan, the black guy who was seen throwing up in his parking lot outside of the complex. He's now in critical condition. He was in Liberia. He's the guy that helped

carry a dead woman. He's been in the hospital since September 28th. Now he is in critical condition. I mean, what the fuck? That's what's scary, man. Another reason for me not to get on a plane and do my gigs in New Jersey and Connecticut.

What? Between ISIS? Threatening to blow up planes and fucking Ebola? Jesus Christ, I'll be riding my bike to these gigs. What a dark world. We got another Ebola case. A teenager from West Africa who became sick while visiting Florida on a holiday.

I call it a vacation still. I love how these fucking words from England are sneaking in. It's no longer the tunnel. It's the tube. When you listen to traffic reports on 1010 Winds now, they refer to the Lincoln and Holland tunnels as tubes. How does that happen? Yeah, this kid from West Africa visiting Florida, he's sick.

Goes to a Memorial, Jackson Memorial Hospital. He thought he might have had the virus. He took a patient. I mean, he took a patient. He took a taxi to Mount Sinai Medical Center. And that's all it says about the taxi in the story. Anybody wash that taxi? That's another thing.

I mean, you know what I mean? The guy could have been sweating and stuff. And you get into the taxi next. You get a, you know, cut on your elbow. Next thing you know, you're pissing and shitting blood. Hmm, I wonder what happened. He gets flu-like symptoms. Miami Beach Fire Rescue then transferred him to jackson for

further tests those tests came back negative for ebola but those results are being sent to the center for disease control oh god oh my god several police cars and rescue vehicles uh ringed holt's Children's Hospital at Jackson, and the unit was quarantined for two hours following the teenager's transfer. You see the panic? You don't know what to believe. You know what I mean? Of course, our government's saying, relax, it's no big deal.

We can contain this. It's only transferred through bodily fluids. But I'm still trying to figure out the guy, the NBC guy, well, he's cleaning a car, but, you know what I mean? Did he, did he

fall in a puddle of piss in the backseat? You don't know who to believe because they're not going to go, hey, we're fucked. It's going to kill us all. You really don't know what to believe, do you?

It's hard to trust your government, ain't it? So, yeah, Ebola. Coming to a movie theater seat or a water fountain near you. I don't know. You know what happens? You get Ebola, like your intestines liquefy your internal organs.

Same thing happens if you eat a Taco Bell. You end up having 20 drinks. Don't it? You look down and your lower intestines are in the turles, surrounded by a chimichanga. Yeah, so that's a few too many cases. the turles surrounded by a chimichanga. Yeah, so that's a few too many cases. That guy sounds like he's not going to make it in Dallas. He lied, by the way.

You know, they have questionnaires before you get on the plane. Have you leaving West Africa? And he lied. It asked if he had handled anybody that was infected or anything. Of course, he said no. Why would you say yes? They're not going to let you on the plane. So, what do you do?

I don't know what to do. Some more stories that, I don't know, they were loaded with liberal way of thinking that we're really getting to be today in the paper. Like, oh, the teacher that was fired for carrying heroin. He was, he got called for jury duty. Goes to the courtroom, forgets he has 20 glass scenes filled with heroin

in his pocket. He's a teacher at this New York City school. And of course, there's a teacher. At this New York City school. And of course. There's a judge. Again. I'm sorry. This is. There's a judge.

Manhattan Supreme Court judge. Manuel Mendez. Buying the teacher's excuse. That he didn't know he had the. The drugs in his backpack. So the city wants. To get rid of this guy. Don't want him teaching kids, obviously. That makes perfect common sense.

I can't believe I'm agreeing with New York City school officials. But this idiot judge, he's saying, no, the guy should be able to still teach. Judge. He's saying no. The guy should be able to still teach. Now he's a young guy, this teacher. Now he's writing a book about it. Isn't it unbelievable?

That's America for you, isn't it? You fuck up, do something almost indefensible, and then write a book about it saying how you were wronged. I've got to think of something. Esteban, that's the teacher's last name, had actually stashed the, uh, the heroin glass he needs in a cigarette box, plainly visible in his pants pocket.

I don't know. Where's the common sense? The judge is on. Everybody gets a second chance. Yeah, it's great. Like I said, there's going to be a happy meeting between that type of thinking from this idiot liberal judge

and Joseph Stalin. There's going to be something in between. Oh, Mussolini. There'll be a happy meeting there. in between. I'm a Mussolini. I'd be happy medium there. That was one of the stories that showed liberal thinking. Here's another one.

Here's another one for you. And this again, a former death row inmate now serving a life sentence for the 1981 murder of a Philadelphia police officer, spoke to a graduating class this weekend. Of course he did. Of course he did.

Who better to give the commencement speech to a graduating class than a fucking cop killer at a Vermont college? You guys all remember Mumia Abu Jamal, don't you? He's the one who shot the cop, remember? And all the Hollywood libs are getting behind him and defending him, even though there was plenty of eyewitnesses, and the evidence was overwhelming that he did it. Sean Penn and the rest of the douchebags defending this guy. He spoke to Goddard College in Plainfield, Vermont.

He earned a degree from that college, by the way, behind bars. He said, and I quote, Think about the myriad of problems that beset this land. Yeah, you're one of them. And people like you. And strive to make it better, Abu Jamal said. Can you fucking imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Can you imagine?

Yeah. And naturally, a lot of cops and corrections officers were pissed in Vermont. And I'm sure the family would have been. Can you imagine? It's just crazy. Just think about it. Think about it. Don't tell me there's no difference

between the left and the right. I know. I know. Not all you people on the left would defend that either. I understand that, but I'm just saying. Ugh. Fuck.

When you get Sean Penn behind you, you know know you know you're on the wrong side and every other idiot he can google it i don't know how many movie stars came out to defend him it was infuriating here's another one that falls in the, you know, hypocrisy. Feminist poopoo cockadoodoo. Where is it? You know Hope Solo, the good-looking female soccer player? Oh, don't tell me I lost the story.

God damn it, where is it? Hold on. Anyways. She bashed in a few of her relatives' face. She got drunk at a party. And, you know, she plays for a professional soccer team. She got arrested for these attacks. Hold on a second, I'll find it.

Probably on the floor here. Here's where I need a producer. Oh, yeah. By the way, she's good looking, man. When me and Artie played in the, that Beach Bowl, DirecTV Beach Bowl, she, I mean, first of all, she's a great athlete.

She was on our team. She goes over the middle and Warren Moon throws a dart like he'd throw to an NFL receiver and this broad goes up and snags it out of the air like a couple times. But I remember going, hey, you got great hands. And she just walked by me like to see

that she is. She's probably seen my work. She was charged in Washington State with two counts of misdemeanor fourth degree domestic violence assault. She was the goalkeeper for the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team. Remember?

And for the Professional National Women's Soccer League Club, the Seattle Reign. Reign, R-E-I-G-N. She's accused of picking a vicious fight during a family party at her half-sister's house in June. So why is Solo, a two-time Olympic gold medalist, still allowed to play ball? Good question. Andrea Pies is asking that. Why? Because she's abroad. Exactly, Andrea. That's why I read Pies every once in a while. A lot of times she's anti-man, most of the time anti-man, I should say,

but sometimes she sees the light. Solo's half-stiff to try to break up the fight, but Solo punched her in the face, too. Then her nephew broke a wooden broom handle over her head and pointed a non-working BB gun at her. Oh, my God. What in Christ's creation? This is beautiful, isn't it? Sounds like a party at the Palin's.

But she's being allowed to play. Hmm. Hmm. She must have a sneaker deal with somebody, right? This is the tone-deaf statement that U.S. Soccer Federation spokesman Neil Buth gave to USA Today in August. We are aware that Hope is handling a personal situation at the moment. At the same time, she has an opportunity to set a significant record that speaks to her hard work

and dedication over the years with the national team. Yeah, that's the type of logic and reasoning that has Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson still playing, right? Yeah, right. What horseshit.

You know, again, it's cowardly white guys that just soulless so she's still playing I'd pay her to beat me up I'll tell you that piece of ace.

Then you get... Anyways. People defending her. Naturally. Naturally. What else? Oh, I forgot the other story about Ebola. Let me get back to this real quick. The homeless guy who accused...

Who accused? God, it's like I'm drunk today. Once again, three and a half hours sleep last night. The homeless guy who caused an Ebola panic in Dallas. Apparently this homeless guy, there's a picture of him, Michael Lively. Ironic name. You should see the picture of him. He looks like a hillbilly.

He's got no teeth. He went missing in the Dallas area. He was the first patient, get this, to ride in the ambulance that was used to carry that Duncan guy, you know, the guy who was throwing up in the park a lot who was in critical condition now. This guy, this homeless guy, apparently used the same ambulance after him.

It's possible that he came into contact with Duncan's Ebola-infected bodily fluids. Although he's not shown any symptoms of the disease, he's been under observation. And then he wandered off. How do you wander off? Once again, people not doing their job. He's now in a psych ward at Parkland Hospital following a citywide search by the Dallas police. The police are working to obtain a court order to hold Lively at the hospital

against his will if necessary here comes you know here comes aclu i'm sure to the charge right that's when it gets tricky right because you got you don't want to violate people's civil rights like that hold them down make them take three dumps make sure they're all clean they had monitored him for a day earlier before he went missing I want to take his temperature on a regular basis what a horrible world what a horrible horrible world world don't you hear this in your head when you read this stuff I took a dump on a JetBlue Airlines And somebody got it on the sink And it started to stink Oh no

I piss in a tub that's nutted the whole world dying of Ebola. Couldn't pee. No, I didn't write this book. Obviously, I'm winging it, and it sucked. I found me. I went to Liberia wearing a dress.

I must confess. I, uh... So, uh, good luck, folks out there, if you're flying, because nobody knows anything. Sitting next to somebody with a cheetah in business class, and I don't know, we're all going to die soon. Ah, what else? Then you get in local news, Governor Cuomo turned out to be a real scumbag. Got to get rid of the Cuomos, too.

They're like uh the clintons we got a guy rob bastarino he's the executive of westchester county where i live up here and he's uh you know he's a great guy and um he's trying to fight this effort by the federal government to force literally force force, force like racial diversity in Westchester County. They literally saying it's like too white. HUD is behind this. Didn't we try this in Boston in the 70s?

How'd that work out? Yeah. Teddy Kennedy. Yeah. So, yeah, Cuomo's behind this. Crazy. And Cuomo lives up near me, okay?

It's all... Where I live is crazy. All the zoning was done, you know, in the 1800s. And you have a town made up of, like, hamlets. And it's all crazy. But, you know, it was really pissing me off bump bump uh hud is operating from the dubious statistical standard known as disparate impact that means you get to charge racism from numbers alone without ever having to demonstrate anyone who's actually discriminated against

in fact under astorino who i'm going to vote for um he's running against cuomo he's going to probably get crushed because cuomo has zillions of dollars and this part of the country is filled with liberal douchebags um Westchester County is ahead of schedule in building affordable housing units mandated by an earlier consent agreement. But HUD's aims go far beyond that agreement. It wants to set a standard for the mix of economic, racial, and economic diversity

and then impose it around the nation, not just here, by the way. HUD sees Westchester, by the way, our most racially diverse county outside of New York City, is the perfect model. Unbelievable. It's social engineering is what it is.

And it's funny, reminds me, because I remember on an episode of tough crowd giraldo saying to me because i just bought a house up here no i wasn't even up here i was think i was in tarrytown in a condo but uh giraldo goes yeah napali you moved up to you moved up to west chester to get away from black people he says that and then like on the next episode, Geraldo's saying some of the most, like, fucking racist stuff to Patrice. And he never caught any flack. I did. Why didn't he get some flack?

I'll tell you why. Because he was Hispanic and white. Whereas I'm considered a white European male. Geraldo got no flack. Funny as all hell, but I'm just saying. But they used to bust my balls about moving up here it's not why i love it i don't care as long as my neighbors are quiet i don't give a shit what color they are i wake up i hear birds in the morning okay i hear bullfrogs at night i fucking

love it i did the city okay i had it it was fun when I was young. But can you imagine? Federal government going to try to force to diversify as far as race goes. Can you imagine? They're literally saying, your town's too white. What the fuck? You got to be able to afford to live up here.

That's really the only barrier, like the guy says in the article. Then you got this woman, Carmen Farina. She's a school chancellor here in New York. She wants to scrap the letter grades that they give out to schools. You know how you judge schools, whether improving or not? They give them, you know, an A to a D or whatever. She wants to scratch that.

Naturally, she does wow because you know what happens your school gets a d or whatever great and then then you look like an ass and schools run by the unions and they can't have that they don't care about the kids learning and protecting their jobs shit'll never change it's really a sewer new york city really is a sewer the comedy clubs weren't here and a slight piece of show business i sure sure in hell wouldn't live here. Porked in the ass with these taxes. Now my town's too white.

The fuck out of here. You know, I just, I'd love to run it to Governor Cuomo. I should go over there. I think it's a Mount Kisco. I think he lives over there. I'll just walk up to him on the sidewalk and say, hey, nice to meet you. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck nice to meet you. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Right in the head with my elbow. I started a free polo. I started a free polo. Did that.

Did that. Did that. Unbelievable, folks. What have I missed here? I guess it's on to sports. Again, I like to keep the sports tight because very topical. I don't know when you're going to listen to this. That's the only thing I don't like about this.

But I'll be doing them live eventually. I have to raise $11 to get the equipment. It'll be a lot of fun. Did you enjoy your NFL? Oh, wait a minute. I can't go on a sports chat.

The most important story. Since I'm bashing liberals and the horseshit liar bucks that they are. How did I forget this? I got to go find it on the floor. I'm throwing shit everywhere. This is hilarious. Hold on. I started a show.

That started the hell but I couldn't see anyways not really an article did you hear about Face the Nation with Bob Schieffer huh the Sunday morning show

well they played a they played a clip he was asking Netanyahu about his meeting with Obama. And Netanyahu gave honest answers and criticized the president. And hey, guess what? CBS edited out the criticism of the president. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my goodness. Let's play. First, I guess this would be the. What? This would be CBS's version. The edited version. CBS's version, the edited version. President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu's relationship has been the subject of endless speculation over the years.

So when we talked last week in New York, I asked the Prime Minister how he would describe it. How do you describe your relationship with the President? Actually, it's quite good. We had a conversation, I don't want to say like an old married couple, but the president said that we had, he's had more meetings with me than with any other foreign leader. I think you get to a point of mutual respect. You cut to the chase very quickly. You talk about the real things openly as befitting real allies.

I think we have a relationship of mutual respect and mutual appreciation. That was CBS's version. I guess the real answer was this. This clip, a few seconds of silence at the beginning.

This is the real version, the unedited version and here's Bibi Netanyahu's answer. This is the real version, the unedited version, and here's Bibi Netanyahu's answer. I think this is anti-peace. I think condemning it is wrong. And I'm frankly baffled. I think it's not the American way.

Prime Minister, thank you for doing this. I want to start with your meeting with the President. After you left, the White House issued what some call a very sharp rebuke and said if you go forward with new settlements in East Jerusalem, you risk the condemnation of even your closest allies. Yeah, Bob. Well, first of all, I had a very good meeting with the President, and I was baffled by this statement. Yeah, that baffled. Because it doesn't reflect American values.

What we're being criticized for is that some Jewish residents of Jerusalem bought apartments legally from Arabs in a predominantly Arab neighborhood. And this is seen as a terrible thing. By the Obama administration. Arabs from in East Jerusalem. This should have been on the show, Bob. By apartments, thousands of them, in the Jewish neighborhoods in West Jerusalem. Nobody says you can't do it. If I said to you someplace in the United States.

You get the drift. Okay, so he wasn't just praising Obama. Can you fucking imagine between that and remember the George Zimmerman, remember NBC doctoring that audio, making him sound like a racist? Okay, so can we all admit

about the liberal fucking slant that it's not a myth? Filthy bastards, huh? Incredible. Incredible. Incredible. And then this guy and Obama has the balls and Holder, actually more Holder, saying that he's been treated the worst out of all. Holder said he never saw, you know, a president treated this bad. Are you shitting me?

Couldn't be. It couldn't be more the other way. be it couldn't be more the other way people in the mainstream you're bending over backwards to protect this guy and it's out now it's out his his view of the world is just totally flawed shit in the bed and every pole Dems are turning on him it's uh it's a good thing it's a good thing.

It's a good thing. Maybe we'll never see this type of. Administration again. Although Hillary's breathing. I love how she's considered a hawk. Unbelievable. Fucking. Radical feminist from Yale.

Oh yeah. She's so different than Obama. Oh. This is a friggin' nightmare. Friggin' nightmare. Let's talk some sports, shall we? After further review, we have a push in the back. It'll be first down, Seattle's ball from the five. Illegal hands to the face

holding by a defensive back that's all it was and i'll keep saying it how you can like this over college football is beyond me and i'm a huge nfl fan but i couldn't even i was getting nauseous yesterday holy christ but uh college football is tremendous i was watching three games at once that were decided in the last two minutes, all three of them, just flipping the channels back and forth. I stopped trying to record.

You can't do that. I'm like an obese person at a buffet. You try to grab everything. I try to record eight games at once, and it's impossible without finding out the results and stuff. But, oh, my God, was college football extra good because you had a lot of the rank teams. Why am I throwing my shit all over the place today? A lot of the rank teams, uh, went down.

If I can find them, I actually, uh, I have it here. We have it here. I have it. We have an affidavit. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Get off. Fuck. I know. We're headed somewhere. Jesus Christ.

Here we go. Thank you. Yeah, a lot of the ranked teams, the top 10, top 20 teams were playing against each other. We had some fucking doozies, man. Florida State, the number one, they played Wake Forest. Wake Forest hasn't been good since Brian Piccolo was diagnosed with that lump. Auburn.

They're still undefeated. I forget who they'd be. But the state of Mississippi went crazy this weekend. Mississippi State kicked the shit out of Texas A&M. Now Mississippi State is ranked third. I think Texas A&M. Now Mississippi State is ranked third. I think Texas A&M was like sixth. Or maybe they were third going into the game. Anyways, then Ole Miss beats Alabama.

Okay? Ole Miss, 4-0. Best starting since 62. They knock off Alabama, folks. Okay. And then Michigan State whipped Nebraska. And Notre Dame, that was a pretty exciting game, but I still think they're a paper tiger.

They haven't really played anybody. Stanford's decent, and they were ranked, but they're very sloppy this year. There's something wrong with Stanford. They should be better than they are, but Notre Dame won on the last play of the game. Golsan threw a beautiful touchdown pass. They are sixth.

They're still undefeated, but then Arizona goes up and beats Oregon. Oregon was like two, I think, in the rankings. Okay. Arizona goes up to Oregon and beats them. And then TCU beats number four, Oklahoma. So TCU's in the top 10. Arizona's at nine. I mean, they were all great games. Just exciting. And again, cleaner. Not a flag on every play. It's just cleaner. It's those guys.

It's all these people that you love in the NFL and that I love, all these players. It's them at their physical peak. They're like 19, 20 years old. You know? It's just fun to watch. Crazy. Not to mention there's like an average of about 100,000 people in every game. But awesome.

I bet you this year is the first time that they're going to implement that playoff system for college football. I bet you it's going to bring in a lot more fans who maybe aren't quite enamored with a college game yet, like me. But holy Christ, I was flipping back and forth i couldn't uh it was just unbelievable what was going on friggin old miss and now we're right eli manning went who by the way looks like he's getting his shit together with this new offense giants by the way the football like he's getting his shit together with this new offense. Giants. By the way, the football pool. I'm going to bring this up again. I really am.

You know, I used to joke around. I'd say I'm the worst. Now we have hard evidence that I am the worst. There's 79 people in the pool. I'm 78, but the 79th guy never puts in his picks every week, so he gets like they automatically assign him the lowest score. So he doesn't count. So out of the 78 people that participate his picks every week. So he gets like, they automatically assign him the lowest score. So he doesn't count. So out of the 78 people that participate in this every week actively,

I am number 78. I am officially the worst. Only thing that makes me feel better is my sister Donna won the pool this week. Okay. She had 12, right? I think it's official. All right.

I couldn't pick my, I think I had six or seven. But the point is, after five weeks, I am literally last. God, I'm glad I don't bet anymore. Maybe that's the reason why. Christ. Christ. But Tom Brady,

everybody wanted to bury him, including Patriots fans. It's unbelievable how spoiled they've become in New England and everywhere else. Yeah, they only put a whipping on the only undefeated team left. That's what I'm saying. These teams are interchangeable, and that's not a good thing.

People go, well, I love it because any team can beat any other team on any given Sunday. Well, that means the teams are interchangeable. They cancel each other out. I like it better when there are a few powerhouses. Six or seven teams are really good, and the rest of the league was trying to beat them. And every once in a while they would but you it's interchangeable it doesn't matter does it really matter if you're watching the browns and the texans or you know you can change that to the to the rams and uh you know

jaguars would that would those two games matter who the fuck i guess that's why you put them again it's a it's a wet dream for bookies that's just what they want they want parody right because it makes every game supposedly interesting but it's over officiated i was tweeting about the officiating i couldn't believe the number of flags not just the pats game just flipping around every you couldn't go you can't go two series two consecutive series without a flag being thrown. They're trying to make it literally impossible to play defense. Again, the philosophy behind that being the average idiot wants more scoring, which isn't true. We just like good football.

21-14 is a lot better game than 48-42 for most people. Anybody who knows football would rather watch that. But these poor defensive backs, it's like basketball. They brush up against a guy and when they're going up for a pass to defend it and they're flagged,

they put their hands on a guy after five yards. Not even holding, just a hand shake. It's getting like basketball. It sucks. It's over-officiated. I think,

and there's some of these crews that like to be on TV. I swear to God. I'm not going to say who. But Christ Almighty, it's not about you officials. They really think it is. These fuckers probably have their SAG cards before I did. It's crazy the amount of TV time they get.

What was some of the bills over the lines? You believe I had that one right? That was my proudest pick. That was pretty amazing. But the Pats put a whipping on them. How about the Jets? Real quickly, you got two problems. It's not just a quarterback.

You got a coaching problem. You've had one for the last five years now, okay? Rex Ryan's been living on that capital, which is running out of, I took them to the AFC championship game a couple of years in a row. OK, guy, I'm sorry, man. Like him as a personality, but he's just a defensive coach like the rest of his family, like Buddy and his brother. They're not they're not head coach material. You get Gino Smith, who's a great athlete.

That's all he is playing quarterback. He's not a good quarterback. He has grown a little since last year, but come on. Oh, God. Think about it. Patriots have Belichick and Brady for the last 12 years or 13 years, and you're trying to overcome that with Rex Ryan and Geno Smith? After all these years, that's the best the Jets can do? I'm starting to get sucked in because i live in new york and i start following these

new york teams like i said it's like a good soap opera but look out for the giants man they get that kid andre williams that running back out of bc i told you he's a he's a he's a badass and uh that west coast offense is settling in they they look like they're going to be the real deal. Who knows, though? I say that next week. Who do you pick, right? But, I mean, just, and again, the Steelers do enough to get by the Jaguars. Just, you know, I'm talking, that's why it's impossible to bet.

But any other big, the rest of them. And again, like I take the frigging Eagles, right? They're like a 10.5 point favorite. I can't remember whatever it was. Of course, it's like 34 to nothing five minutes into the game. You think they could play a little defense? No, I get burnt by that garbage touchdown

at the end. Cowboys over the Texans. Cleveland Browns over the Titans. I had that right. Unbelievable. I can that right. Unbelievable. I can't stop saying it. If you don't like college football, you don't like football. You like NFL football.

Which I still do, too, but I'm just saying. Getting very hard to watch. How about baseball? Real quick. Playoffs. Holy moly, let's get behind those KC Royals, what do you say,

Tigers once again, bats go silent, bats go silent, El Choco, El Choco, Jesus, I know the Orioles have decent pitching, but what happens to the Tigers in the playoffs?

El Choco. Unbelievable. They're just nothing. And the Royals sweeping the Angels. I never saw that coming. But the Royals have these pitchers. They all throw 98. They got this kid Ventura, this little, I don't know where he's from.

But Ventura is his last name. Looks like he weighs about 190 pounds soaking wet. He throws it 101, 102 with ease. And they play unbelievable defense. They look like they got that magic thing like the red socks had last year i would have never i picked the angels to win the whole thing but then again i'm 78th in football pool so what the fuck do i know but uh i'm pulling for the royals you gotta right they haven't been there in 30-something years. Got to pull for them, don't you?

And you get, you know, I can't get into the St. Louis Cardinals and the Dodgers. I can't get into that series. I don't know why. You know what I mean? I hate everything LA usually, but that's a good series too. And then the Nats and the Giants. Everything L.A. usually. But that's a good series too. And then the Nats and the Giants. I watched that whole 18 inning game on Saturday.

You know, as I bounced around from college football. It actually fucked up my whole schedule. But that's quite a series. Is that one over? I don't even know. What is that one at? I don't even know. What is that one at? I don't know. But, um... I don't know.

I'm not even sure. Anyways, kids, that's it. That's enough. I'll be, uh, this week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, come up to Comics at Foxwoods. Great club. It's where I shot my Ron Erb. Comics at Foxwoods.

This Friday, Saturday, excuse me, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 9, 10, and 11. And the following weekend, after that, 16, 17, and 18, Laugh Boston, my hometown, fairly new club that I haven't done yet. And on the 23rd, the Seneca Casino at Niagara Falls. And this one added, since the last time I talked to you, the Comedy Works in Albany the following night on the 24th of October. Pack it out for me. I need the bonus money.

Know what I'm saying, yo? November, 678 Stress Factory in New Brunswick. The brokerage on the 14th and 15th, Belmore, Long Island of November. Uncle Vinny's on the 22nd. That's enough. You're not going to remember that shit. Go to nickdip.com for all your Nick DiPaolo needs. That is enough. You're not going to remember that shit. Go to nickdip.com for all your Nick DiPaolo needs.

That is it. Joke high, it's been nice. Guess I'm going to work out now. I don't know. I feel kind of Ebola-ish myself, a little clammy. But we got to get one good joke in there. of Ebola-ish myself. A little clammy. But, uh, we gotta get one good joke in there. Nah.

I'll see you kids. I'm in the city tonight working, too. Bouncing around. Working on a new hour. And the other one is coming around, folks. Showtime still has it. They've had it for four weeks now. So, still waiting for an They've had it for four weeks now.

So still waiting for an answer before I release it myself. All right? And remember these words. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. What the hell's going on out here? You, because you have done so much

to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.