The Nick DiPaolo Show - 052 - Happy One Year Anniversary

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

Happy One Year Anniversary

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Happy anniversary That's right Happy anniversary Pour a cheerful toast and fill it Happy anniversary That's right, kids But be careful you don't spill it Happy anniversary

Nick DiPaola Podcast One year old today Happy anniversary Happy anniversary I'll tell you, I got a great lineup of guests Nick DiPaola podcast. One year old today. I'll tell you, I got a great lineup of guests. Brad, you remembered. How could I ever forget the happiest day of my life? Oh, happy anniversary. That's right. Happy anniversary.

Fred Flintstone. Well, thanks, fellas. It sure was. She and Happy, they're both as happy as can be. Celebrating merrily, thanks, fellas. It sure was. Not for that shit. How are you? How you doing, kids? That's right.

A year ago. I don't know, to the day. I don't know. I'm not very sentimental. You know that. But I had to be reminded by some people on Twitter that this would be my 50-second show. And I do one a week. So you do the math.

I'm not going to do it. But somebody's like on Twitter. So you're going to have guests lined up. And I'm like, hey, if you want to fucking listen to a podcast with guests, go to Marc Maron's show or somebody else's. No guests here. I live about a mile from Albany, okay? Nobody's coming up here from live about a mile from albany okay nobody's coming up here from the city to do the show you know madderice but i'm not gonna go to that well again jesus christ i love the kid but come on you do a show with madderice and he's texting you for the

next three days going hey that uh software you use can you tell me how to how to do that and uh love the guy but uh it's never ending. Hey, can you copy a link and then send this to me and then put it on your Twitter and then we can simultaneously, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

That's why I do this. I don't understand any of that. This is simple enough. Don't mess it up. He wants me to call him later to show him how to pull clips, which I'm sure I'll do good guy joe but uh yeah hey rush limbaugh never had a guest on a show in his life okay he could argue he's the most successful broadcaster of all time regardless of his

politics you can't argue with his numbers i keep hearing about that show's demise and i think he did fifth somebody's only did 50 million in ad revenue last year so and he's on his way down supposedly i'm just saying not one guess in about 30 years ah for the love of christ haven't had joe list on in a while. Joey, little Joey List. Speaking of Joe List, I was in Boston this weekend where I found Joey. Originally, I mean, not this weekend. He was with Tommy John again. It's so funny, man.

I get a text while I'm in Boston. I was doing Laugh Boston, that club. We'll get to that in a few minutes. And I get a text from Joe, and he's like, I'm wandering it's like one in the afternoon it's just so sad um he was working with a very funny Tommy John again uh at like juniors whatever it's in Pennsylvania whatever but they had they have a 6 30 show 6 30 in the afternoon I don't know if it's an amish crowd people uh you know 6 30 show what the i guess it was a club where i never worked it i don't know way out in pennsylvania somewhere where you have to it used to be had to be very very clean and then they

finally gave in because let's face it our society can't handle anything that's totally you know pure so that went away that rule so maybe i'll be playing it so but well that's that's the other thing there's no funny is funny okay um kind of bothers me because i'm kind of labeled now as a dirty comic and i'm not really that dirty although this hour they're going to put out real soon is kind of dirty even for me. But I'm just saying, I never had that label until I started doing those rows, you know? When I started those Comedy Central rows, and everybody assumes you're just, you know, you're an insult comic or you're dirty or whatever.

I say fuck about 700 times in an hour when I'm doing comedy, but that doesn't make me a dirty comic you know uh what makes me a dirty comic is probably the vaginal rejuvenation and the asshole bleaching chunk i i do on my new album uh you'll be hearing soon um so uh yeah it's even a little blue for me but it's killer you know because you'll see um but uh yeah so that's i've never done a 6 30 show i've been doing this like 27 years never had to do them it's practically a matinee i mean you have to be you have to be getting in the shower at like four o'clock on a friday to go out who the hell does that you know somebody that was up at 6 a.m churningurning their own butter. Jesus. No wonder why I didn't do that club.

But it's so funny you get texts from people in the room, you know. And I was at Laugh Boston, a club in my hometown, which is only about a year old. And it's part of the Westin Hotel. It's in South Boston. We used to be a real shithole, South Boston. You know, it was known for busing in the 70s and um you know townies you've seen the movie the town right ben affleck was that was the call the town um you know they never leave southie and they're they're uh working class irish and uh and it's really got you kind of get gentrified i mean they have a giant

convention center there in boston and then the westin hotel which is as big a hotel you could hit golf balls and not hit the roof in the lobby it's monstrous and the club is right in the hotel and i don't by that i don't mean it's a hotel doing comedy in the function room it's an actual beautiful comedy club well it's about 250 um, you know, anytime as a comedian, you can do a gig like that where you can lay on your bed in your hotel room. And, you know,

what's the end of the Florida state game and run down two minutes before you have to be on stage. I'm saying yes to that. If the money is even close to right. I mean, those are dream gigs for comics. So it's a, yeah, big big freaking beautiful place and um first show is thursday night and of course the tsunami was going on i drove up there i thought i was gonna die on the mass pike it was pouring like a mother and uh it's so funny people driving

cautiously through most of connecticut, you know, New York. Until I get to the mass border. As soon as I see that fucking turkey on the sign, welcome to Massachusetts. People start blowing by with mass plates. I mean, you couldn't see a foot in front of you. People are flashing their lights for me to move over. I'm doing 60. I'm hydroplaning every couple miles.

So I'm pushing it. You get people blown by like at 80, and I don't mean in four-wheel trucks and shit. I mean in regular cars. I said it on stage. It's always been like that. Massachusetts, why are you in such a goddamn hurry? Where are you going? To a packy in New Hampshire for some liquor? Just fucking crazy. Finally, I get in the middle lane like a person in a fucking late 90s you know hunched over the wheel like a big puss i'm not gonna die in the name of making a few people laugh and and to boot the and we knew this was coming the pats and patriot i mean the pats and the jets were playing thursday night which is always you know it's a good rivalry no

matter what the record of the jets is um and the bruins are playing Thursday night, which is always, you know, it's a good rivalry no matter what the record of the Jets is. And the Bruins were playing the Canadians. It was the Canadians' home open. So you got to know, boss, you know it's a sports-heavy town. They're crazy about that shit. And so Thursday was very small, and I think it was the most fun I had of the four shows. That's when I have the most fun, folks.

And that's when I'm at my best, when it's intimate. There's something about stand-up comedy is supposed to be done in an intimate setting. It allows you to relax up there as opposed to a sellout room, which Saturday night, the first show was sold out. Got a nice little bonus. Packed. And that was a great show, too, because the people behaved. But a small show, I get the free wheel.

Comics get the free wheel up there. You get to try shit, throw new shit out there. It brings out the funny. I can't describe it. You don't feel like you have to do your act from A to Z in a packed room. Because in a packed room at a comedy club, you have to work fast and tight. Oh, the little babies will fucking start paying attention and start chatting or getting loud, which happened on the second show Saturday night. By the way, new rule,

no comedy show should start later than eight o'clock. I to god because again they take place on the weekend right most of them people start drinking it just they don't i'll get to that in a few seconds but uh i had a blast uh in front of the thursday night crowd just you know winging shit and trying stuff and i did the whole quint getting blown by a shark um and it allows you to grow as a comedian that's what people i'm gonna give you a little comedy lesson sometimes you'll see somebody you know that you've liked or somebody famous and you're like well i didn't think he was that funny people don't realize the guy was probably trying eight minutes of new stuff at a time or 20 minutes throwing up stuff new stuff comics who have been around a long time

can always go up and kill because they have proven material you know that they've done over the years but if you do that every night and you don't write new shit right then they're going to stop coming because they're bored with your stuff and the only way to work the stuff out is in front of a live audience whether it be at the comedy cellar during the week here in New York City or you're on the road and you have to do 45 minutes to an hour. You pick a spot within that set and throw out some new stuff and you might hit some rough patches. Or if you're only doing 20 minutes at the comedy cellar in New York, let's say, and you use half that time to try new shit, it's going to look like you're bombing for half the set, you know. But that is necessary you can't stand in front of a mirror and practice this isn't faggy fucking theater

we're not doing the mouse that roared or uh you know guys and dolls it's the only way to do it is to get out there and a lot of people don't understand that you know but they will complain the girl i saw this uh comic he's doing the same shit he did 10 years ago there's a lot of people don't understand that, you know. But they will complain. They'll go, well, I saw this comic and he's doing the same shit he did 10 years ago. And there's a lot of guys like that. Why comics would choose to do that, I don't know. Because you might as well be working in a factory, you know. Working the drill press and doing the same thing. Or being a salesman and doing the same shit day after day.

That's the beauty of what we do. I go up there and most comics do day that's the beauty of what we do i go up there and and most comics do it's that's the beauty of it if you don't feel like doing even stuff that i've written over the last month or two i've i've been working on honing it every night that i that i get bored with it after about a month and a half and it's weird it'll plateau it'll be killing for a month and all of a sudden that shit will start lying dormant and you're like what's going on that was killing last week and what's going on is you're a little bored with it maybe even subconsciously and you're not putting the oomph into it and uh that's what happens but

that's why i love thursday nights like i had in boston where i think i did like an hour and four an hour and five minutes because i was throwing i mean chunks big new chunks some of it going in the dumper and even when it goes in the dumper you know you can make fun of yourself bombing and and people sort of understand it but you get to work looser and it allows for more freedom as somebody said uh adrenaline is the enemy of comedy and uh it's funny that is true and i i uh i gotta be honest uh i use a lot of adrenaline up there it's hard to hold it back especially uh starting comedy in boston everybody you know everybody does everything at 100 miles an hour not just driving on the pike in the rain telling jokes i told you that psychology today, like 15 years ago,

rated major cities as far as pace of living, how quickly they based it on how quickly people eat, walk, go to the post office. They base it on like five or six criteria, and Boston was at the top, even ahead of New York. It's just a rushed, impatient town which uh they like their comedy fast and hard you know so uh i've been working on that slowing it down a bit that's sometimes you know i write in that cadence that's what i learned you're following guys like uh don gavin and steve

sweeney plus a couple lines of blow in the green room. You got to keep up with them, right, when you're coming up? But, yeah, it was fun. It's a beautiful club. Thank you, John Tobin. I hope it stays open. It's, you know, because of the economy, it's struggling like everything else. But the first show Saturday was sold out. And second show was probably half. and that was kind of a nightmare

just drunken people just oh my fucking christ this time wasn't just chicks i usually blame the chicks i mean they were a big part but there was it was just couples just being loud and fucking just obnoxious and they wouldn't do that if they weren't drunk and i understand that's part of the formula obviously that's why comedy clubs are in business to sell booze basically and uh but uh i mean right in the middle of it this girl's looking at a hot young blonde she's on her freaking phone i ask her to shut it off she does for two minutes she turns it over then you know i look over 50 minutes later she's on it again like typing away and then she looks up me and starts like interviewing me she goes where are you from anyways and she googles me oh you're from danvers so what and she starts asking me questions

and uh normally years ago when i was in my 20s or 30s as single i would have probably uh you know acquiesced and been interviewed right there but you know i'm married and i'm not gonna fuck her so i'm like put down the phone. And then some other guy starts yelling at her. Hang up that fucking phone, bitch. And then, you know, a group of guys, they get crazy. They start yelling shit out. But then there's a couple right up front.

And a lady, like probably my age, has never been to a comedy club. She comes with some guy. And after every joke, she's going, oh. Right after the punchline oh and that's all it takes to fuck up a joke because then people start using her follow her lead and go ah if you do something off color which i do so uh yeah the second show saturday night kind of fucking ruined it you don't want to end on a low note. It was still fun. Don't get me wrong. But the club's got to, you got to make an effort

to shut these phones off, you know? You got to, they've given up. Like I said, I talked about this before. We got to jam the tech. You can jam the signal. They do it, you know, they do it in some theaters and on Broadway in New York,

there's technology to jam everybody's phone, jam the signal. But then again, are they really going to do that at Yuck Yucks when they were, you know, making a profit on chicken fingers and papering the room? But it's fun. It's fun to go home because even Boston, as liberal as it is and politically correct, I guess it's my fans and they know it's coming. Most of them come out. And even some of the jokes, a lot of the jokes, they get like a moan. They're like, oh, they're too mean in New York.

They get laughs in Boston. It's just like a mean streak running through the audiences. At least my fans. I shouldn't say that of everybody, I guess. I'm sure david cross would tell you differently or whoever janine well janine again is from jersey but her formative years as far as stand-up go or uh in boston but um and i stayed at the western hotel which was awesome this hotel holy shit it was almost too fancy it took me 20 minutes

how to figure to get the fucking door open my room but uh i check in and the guys do you want the uh nice west african accent by the way that was do you want the green package the green package and i'm like what what is that and it's a whole thing where if you don't use maid service for the whole time you're there in other words you don't have them changing your bed they don't have to service for the whole time you're there, in other words, you don't have them change in your bed. They don't have to wash the sheets, which saves, you know, on water. It's all based on conservation. And just out of a knee-jerk reaction, I'm like, no, I don't want that shit.

If you don't, like, you know, if you don't flush the toilet for three days, if you shit into a coffee can and keep it under your bed, you get 500 points towards your whatever. That's what I noticed. 500 points towards what? It's my first time. I didn't sign up for anything at the West End Hotel.

I don't know what the fuck the guy's talking about. But I don't let anybody in my room anyways when I'm staying at a hotel. You know what I mean? I never let the maids in. I put that do not disturb up,

even if they were a week. Although after the second night, I don't know what I do in my sleep. After the second night, the mattress is exposed and the fucking, you know, the comforter or whatever the hell is, the bedspread is on the floor

and it's like stuffing coming out of the mattress. I don't know what I do at night. It's going to be pretty violent. I have to remake the bed. So, but it was a whole green conservation and everything. Yeah, I'm going to, yeah. I'll piss in the sink for the next four days so I can get a free continental breakfast. $5 off a 60-year-old muffin.

Give me the scorched earth policy. I'm going to flush the toilet a hundred times. I'm going to call the maid in three times a day just because I can boss her around. When I make it in America, you're going to have to bust your balls, lady. Change that fucking pillow. And then the phone rings at like 8 o'clock on a

Saturday morning and it's a recording and it's a guy like going if you'd like to join us for a jog around the south boston area sponsored by new balance i'm like i just put my last drink down fucking 12 minutes ago yeah let me break out my sneakers you chooch jesus christ what it's like this do-goody fucking left hotels now like left leaning i'm all for that shit you shouldn't flush your toilet eight times unless you take a monster of stumps and if you want to take a monster of stump use the stuff i use this isn't even a commercial i'm just it just happened to be on my desk i left it down here last

night i've been using this stuff blueberry detox and again this isn't an ad a sponsor or anything i'm just reading it to you i've been using this stuff for like three years it's got that psyllium husk in it you know what that is it's like bark off a tree in africa something um uh yeah it's it's blueberry detox it's a powder and it's made up of all uh all kinds of berries blackberry blueberry concentrate blackcurrants, plum, elderberry, bilberry, fruit extract, figs, raisins, eggplant, purple carrots. This is all in this, okay? But the psyllium husk, that's the stuff that'll make you take dumps. It'll look like a lion cage when you leave.

Again, I don't want to get too graphic, but I'm telling you, I using this stuff ever you put like a it says a couple teaspoons i put like i'd say two suitcases full into my juice in the morning and then uh you'll have bowel movements that wider than uh janet napolitano's neck Yeah, so Laugh Boston. Had a good time. We'll do it again. What's going on? What else is going on? Ebola, huh?

Ebola. I must have talked about it last week. They're really, since then, they're really messing up, aren't they? There's a lady on a cruise who actually, you know, worked at that hospital where the guy gets sick and she was on a cruise. So they had to quarantine her. They thought she might have had it. Turns out she didn't. It's just crazy. They show the girl, the nurse that did get her. Remember the one that was dressed in the full hazmat suit? But apparently some of her skin was exposed well that's what's funny though because the first thing the president said and the first message they gave us well it's not going to be easy to contract over here and all of a sudden

the nurse who's dressed like uh brian cranston and breaking bad mixing up a batch all of a sudden she's got the you know the shits and uh fever because uh apparently an eighth of her skin was showing while she was treating this guy i guess i'm safe huh sitting on a tank top and uh shorts and business class next to some lady sneezing so they don't know what the fuck they're doing once again and in the obama administration oh my God. This poor guy. He ought to quit now. I mean, Jesus. How embarrassing. I mean, the very thought of just banning flights from these countries where this stuff is originating,

that would be somehow racist because they're African-American. I mean, how many people have to die because of political correctness? And they're given all this bullshit excuse. Well, what'll happen is these people will, if there's a flight ban, they'll go underground and come in through other or whatever the fuck.

Really? How about doing it all? You don't have to choose one or the other. But I love this story because Harvard, yeah, that's right, Harvard in Cambridge, they are implementing a travel ban that's right they've imposed an effective travel ban on ebola stricken countries requiring students faculty and staff to obtain official permission from the university administration before traveling to affected

parts of west africa why would you be going there now even if you're a brilliant ivy league student and why would you be flying over there unless you're trying to help all people i guess but uh what are you going on yeah we're going uh spring break we're gonna go to liberia there's a nice beach over there a little bit of diarrhea washing up a couple of seagulls shitting blood but uh i think we'll have a good time as long as i don't get hit in the face with a cup of blood but uh i think we'll have a good time as long as i don't get hit in the face with a cup of diarrhea at a party it's gonna be a good time uh yeah so uh and these people might have to stay off the campus for 21 days when they come back

off the harvard camp harvard you know that's racist you know imagine if like the university of maine did that or whoever and then bob Bob Jones University, Harvard would be up in arms. That's typical racism. In Boston, when I got there this weekend, the middle commuting Mike Whitman, the feature act, we started talking about Ebola. I wasn't even there five minutes. And apparently there was like a black woman throwing up on the T. The T is the subway in boston and some kid called it in saying you know she was west african or whatever the hell but his

immediate take was typical white uh racist guy from boston and i'm like do you know who you're fucking talking to dude i go first of all how do you know what was in the guy's mind maybe he really thought that maybe you should report it i. That phrase, typical white racist, just shows you how brainwashed people are. What was it, a prank? He called in like a bomb threat? Anyways, yeah, severe restrictions at Harvard. Reported early Monday by the harvard crimson the new policy comes in the wake of a scare at rival yale university

to hear about this where a student returning to campus reported ebola-like symptoms do you understand folks it's flu season coming up. Do you understand what kind of, if they don't get a handle on the panic of this, on the hysteria, every time somebody sneezes now, you know, or takes a runny dump, they're going to be calling the Ebola hotline. Yeah, I just took a shit and I got a fever. Should I come in or, I touched a rooster in Vermont? People say, you know, the argument against a complete travel ban include that it would not be effective, that it would be costly. Yeah, let's put dollars ahead of lives. And that would destabilize the affected countries. What a bunch of googly goop fucking horseshit several public health experts from harvard have opposed travel bans as a matter of

policy including epidemiologist john brownstein i wonder how he voted in former school of public health dean barry bloom who reportedly said that he couldn't think of any reason why the United States would benefit from a travel ban. Really, Barry, you dumb mother fungus? You can't think of any reason? Really? Planes aren't Petri dishes? For germs, every time I fly, i used to get a cold when i used to smoke a lot get run down every time it's just a petri dish you're breathing out other people

you can't think of a reason see just a give me a goddamn break will you you know what i say to barry uh, what's his name? Barry Bloom. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! That's right, Barry.

Put your politics aside for five minutes. Try to think, common sense-wise. Why would we want to ban somebody coming from a country where the disease, and it's a 70% fatal by the way, is growing exponentially. Why would we want to ban people? Just make up all the fucking theories you want. That's the problem. It's a country going down a toilet, ain't it?

Hmm. Yeah, get this stuff, by the way. I recommend this. It's Purity Products. Google that and go to Blueberry Detox. This is the Advanced Daily Fiber Formula. Excuse me. This product should be taken with at least a full glass of liquid.

Probably not, like I said. Taking this product without enough liquid may cause choking. Wow. Rex Reed must be handing this out by the cupful. Do not take this product if you have difficulty in swallowing. Keep this with my wife.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck you! Ah. Ah. with my wife. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck you! Fuck! Purity's Blueberry Detox formula is an advanced blend of blueberries, superfruits, superfruits. Picture of Jim Nabors and

Richard Simmons and Sean Hayes, along with six full grams of fiber, unlike ordinary fiber, which is not infused with health-promoting superfruits, blueberry detox represents the next generation. You've got to do this, and it does. You know what? My cholesterol was in the normal range for the first time in my whole life. I'm not saying this is totally the reason for it,

but if you want to take monster-sized dumps, at least the width of your forearm, you'll be passing stuff from second grade. I'm telling you, you'll see paste and crayons in there. Not to be too gross. What the hell else is going on in a country in decline? There's examples of it. If you just read the papers, you know,

you read the headlines you get so goddamn depressed how about this one this was a good one today after getting vanquished in a bear pong match a group of sore losers opened fire early yesterday at texas house party wounding a female reveler are you shitting me are you shitting me oh my god Are you shitting me? Are you shitting me? Oh, my God. You lose a... See, that's alcohol-related.

You lose that pong. When I used to, you know, lose a beer pong, I'd flip over the table. I wouldn't shoot anybody. 1.20 a.m. shooting Sunday took place at a residence in Ames, a city 45 miles from Houston. Investigators are searching for two men who allegedly shot up the party after losing at the beer pong table.

Deputies identified the suspects as, get to get this, Decorus Red Rucker,ucker red in quotes 24 years old and chris crazy chris hackett crazy chris quotes rucker and hackett were among a group of five men who became upset after losing a backyard beer pong game the men witnesses said ran from the home while firing wildly at party goers an 18 year old woman was shot in the thigh during the gunfight they took off in a 2006 buick it's got to be white fellas it's a buick for christ's sake uh no arrests have been made in the beer pong shooting cops expect to file aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charge against the gunman.

I mean, you know, I get a little nuts when I'm boozed up. First of all, I don't know, why are you bringing a gun to the party in the first place, for the love of Christ? What happened to good clean fun like when I, back in college, played beer pong and every time, you know, you lost a point, you had, you know, you lost a point. You had, you know, you had a heavyset girl take off her panties. Had her dressed up with a hat and snorkel jacket. Somehow it was her fault.

Oh my goodness. What the hell else going on, huh? Pop, pop, pop. uh what the hell else going on now here we go andrea paiza i read her on the post once in a while sometimes she's i can't make up my mind on her she's kind of shrill and comes across as a man hate about other times she's right on the money she had a good uh good story today. In January, Apple, the company, is to join Facebook by paying for an exotic new fringe benefit. They're going to contribute up to $20,000 per female employee for the extraction, freezing, and storage of human eggs to be thawed later to make babies.

See, this way, women can have it all, right? They don't have to quit work and make a choice to have a family, even though, in my opinion, it's been proven the mom at home can concentrate on the kids and raising them because it is the toughest job in the world. The kids turn out much better. What fuck stop with that ringing um you know but this way they can do both they can uh freeze their eggs and then later on in life when they're like 60 and they can't wipe their own ass they can have kids social engineering that i really uh i think it's a bunch of cock boo boo i'm saying cock a boo boo boo boo bp that's right um so in other words you know you don't have to race that biological clock

but do you really want kids after that work your balls off and then you know i mean now you're just being selfish i love a woman that's what a woman's idea of having it all is a career and a family and some of them can do it but some of them can do it well but a lot of them can't i just think when you focus on one thing you do it better and then and you know doing two things mediocre, like raising your kids, you don't want to do a mediocre job. And some women agree with me. Although this woman says that was interviewed, her idea of this was the bosses just want to control women's bodies until they're through with them. Even then, it's somehow the guy's fault.

This technology, the employers are given an option, given the women an option that could, you know, improve their life, according to them, and feminists, and yet some women don't see it that way. They see it as negative. A guy's just trying to control you. Can't win, can you, fellas? Can't win today.

And by the way, fellas, stop hitting women. Ice-T says so. I tweeted that last night. I know you've all seen the PSA commercial. Enough boys will be boys. Enough she was asking for it. You know, Amy Poehler and fucking Debra Messing. But it dawned on me. I'm watching

Ice-T. The guy was a former, literally a former pimp. Pimps up, hoes down, or whatever. He was a pimp. He's telling us. The NFL has him telling us how to treat women.

That fucking, that tweet went flying. It retweets. It was like, just, I don't know what the NFL is thinking, man. But,

this is social engineering, is it not, by corporation? Or are they just looking for that bottom line, you know? I think i think you know if you're a girl i mean feminist excuse me a woman i don't know what do you call i'm afraid to um you know how can you get mad at the company you know You know? But it reminded me of a few bits I had on...

I don't know if it was freezing eggs. I have a couple bits. One on Clomid. Remember that drug? Fertility drug? And I had another bit. These are off... One was off Born This Way.

One was off Road Rage. I don't know which is which. But let's play the fertility drug bit first. Boy, I'm afraid to have sex with a woman today because they have these, you know, fertility drugs and it's amazing.

I could get pregnant with these drugs, you know? It's like, they have like 19 eggs in them. What are you, working at Denny's? Where'd you get those yolks? Hey!

This lady in Iowa, what, she had what? How many? Seven babies? That's not a birth, that's a litter. Yes, it is. They should be giving the family dog a DNA test, you know? Iowa, what, she had what, how many, seven babies? That's not a birth, that's a litter. Yes, it is. They should be giving the family dog a DNA test, you know?

Oh, Nick, easy. Hey, Fluffy looks exhausted. Oh, that's sexist. That's bestiality. Don't be picketing. Yuck, yucks. Imagine that, man. She had seven babies at once.

Her vagina must look like the front door of Chuck E. Cheese at closing time. Holy shit, there's a Zing Zangler. Kids, it is filing out. Whoa. Five, six, seven. Oh, shit. Boy, I'm afraid to have sex with a woman today. Oh, damn it.

They have these, you know, fertility drugs. I already heard that. There's more to that bit, but I like the Clomid bit better. Yeah. Freeze those eggs. Put them right next to the margarita mix. You can have it all, ladies. Guy's idea of having it all

is what? I'll tell you what it is. You know, being successful professionally, having a wife, but what? Having a guma, as the Italians call call it on the side a piece of ass on the side that's uh half your wife's age that's what guys consider having it all but then you can't come out and say that but that is a guy's version of having it all ladies yours is actually obviously more moral because you're better people, let's be honest.

Let's, yeah, here's the bit on Clomid, that drug. I thought this was kind of related to what I'm talking about. My wife wants to get pregnant now and she doesn't want me involved.

I don't think that's fair. Oh, for Christ's sake, Nick, that's not funny. She keeps going, wait in the car, I'll be right out. I'm like, that's not a fertility clinic, it's your old boyfriend's house. No, it's not. Hey. She's having trouble getting pregnant, so she's taking a drug called Clomid. It's supposed to help you have a baby, but the side effects are diarrhea, bad breath, and mood swings.

Does that sound like anybody you want to fuck? It's a good one. It's a good one, Nicky. She has wicked mood swings on this shit, I'll tell you, man. And there's side effects for the husbands. Like, I have hallucinations. Every time she takes one of these pills, I see a witch flying around on a broomstick for 24 hours.

Oh, Jesus. I'm going to get in trouble on that one. Honey, how are those hot flashes? I'm gonna get in trouble on that one. Honey, how are those hot flashes? I'm melting! She has all this high-tech stuff for women who can't get pregnant. She has like a palm pilot that tells her when she's ovulating like a little picture of an egg comes up.

It's an old bit, palm pilot. She runs in the bedroom last week. She goes, we gotta fuck right now. We gotta fuck! I'm like, what am I, a porn star? I gotta fuck on cue? Yeah, put a bad sofa behind me

in a potted plant and yell action. The hell does that mean, Nick? I don't know. I gotta laugh. She's like, I'm peaking, I'm peaking. I took a calendar off

from 1980. I circled a Wednesday because that's when I peaked. That's a doozy. The turkey base is in the drawer. Get a Dixie cup. Enjoy yourself. The type of bits that got me playing the funny bone in Denver.

What else you got, Nick? Come on, speak up. Just start yelling shit out. Did you hear the kid yelled next? Fucking asshole. It's not fair to women. Women only have a certain amount of time when you can have kids. And if you don't, I guess your shit goes bad like fresh fruit or something. I don't know what happened.

Not anymore. You can freeze it. Guys, that stuff's like a jar of mustard. It lasts for a thousand years. Nobody wants it. I can see myself in a nursing home 40 years from now. Some old lady rolls up. You have any Grey Poupon?

But of course. Oh, that's over the line. 106. It's still fresh. That's over the line, Nick. No expiration date on my nuts. I wish I had an expiration date on my balls when I was in college.

It would have come in handy. Look, it says used by tomorrow. Get sucking. Oh, that's sexist. That's misogynist. I got to take a point off there. I'm not going to get on the last comic standing with that type of shit. Get sucking. Oh, that's sexist. That's misogynist. I gotta take a point off there. I'm not gonna get on Last Comic Standing with that type of shit. How controversial.

I started a joke. Ladies, to remedy the situation, now you can have kids at any age. You know what? You can freeze your eggs now. That's pretty cool, freezing your eggs. See that? Billy, where'd you grow up? Between the fudgicles and the fish sticks. Is that a birthmark? No, it's a freezer burn.

What's this close to being a margarita? You're a fucking margarita, asshole. Ladies, you know what you get for donating your eggs? 5,000 bucks. Guys, you know what you get for our sperm? 50 bucks. I got a towel at home. It's worth $200,000.

firm 50 bucks I got a towel at home it's worth $200,000 it's leaning against my bedroom door selling it on eBay Thursday afternoon 1 o'clock that joke has been repeated many times over the years by a lot of comics one Lucille Ball. She did it in a Bob Hope special. I'm still in court suing that bitch. Well, that worked. That's right. I don't know if I want to have kids because they carry too many germs, you know? They're little germ muffins, aren't they?

Every time I get to my nieces, I get sick. My sister's like, give Brittany a hug. I'm like, I'd rather lick the toilet seat at the Greyhound bus station. Let the bit play out. It's not about freezing eggs anymore, but we'll continue. My wife invites me to a party last week.

She doesn't tell me it's a kid's birthday party. I get that it was like a typhoid convention. You know, our shit-in-their-pants, sweating, snots coming down their face. Oh, my God. I'm like, where's the birthday girl? Oh, that's her in the plastic bubble in the corner over there.

Oh, that's an exaggeration, Nick. She's trying to blow out two candles. Oh, I can't wait to get a piece of that fucking cake. Nick, how come you're not eating? Well, I'm on that Ebola-free diet, thanks. I don't want to bleed from the acid eyes because Tammy turned three today. You don't mind, do you?

I'm afraid she's going to have twins or some shit on these drugs. Did I say Ebola-free diet? I'm half listening to my own show. Did I say Ebola-free? You know, this bit is pretty goddamn ahead of its time when you think about it. It started with the freezing of the eggs, and that's in the paper today. And, you know, October 20th, 2014. I did this one, this bit back in 1977.

And I just referenced Ebola, I think. Like I said, I'm half listening. They're all kinds of drugs to women. Now they're coming up with drugs to men. Apparently none of us can get a hard-on, according to the lesbians, again, that run the media. Oh, easy, Nick. Come on, now. Have you seen the commercial for Levitra? They show a guy throwing a football through a tire swing. He misses the first three times, and he takes Levitra the next five, go right to the swing. What is this, for guys with inaccurate ejaculations? He's trying to get his wife

pregnant. He's knocking over lamps, breaking pictures on the wall. She's running around the bedroom. I'm open! I'm open! I just did a perfect button hook. Hit me! Button hook? How old am I? I can get a hard-on any time I fucking want.

I can't get her pregnant, but I can get every chick on the road pregnant. It's amazing how they work out. Ah, this is when I was single, by the way. That's just a joke. That's right. Goodness gracious, that was a little edgy. Viagra, that's good shit.

You can have sex for like 12 hours straight, and they say the side effects are headaches and dizziness. They don't tell you one side effect. Your girlfriend's going to walk like a pirate the rest of her life the old viagra bit speaking of that and viagra they're still advertising again this this clip i'm playing is going to be 15 years old or whatever and um you know watch the nfl game today again between the pink socks i was just my talking about it on stage.

And every other commercial for Viagra now. You got the chick, the blonde chick. Did I do this on the last podcast? I can't remember. I got to write this shit down. But isn't it an emasculating experience watching an NFL game between the pink clothes? Like, please, somebody cure breast cancer so I don't have to look at my favorite NFL team dressed up like a float at the gay pride parade.

God damn it. I was thinking about this. You know, years from now, when they show clips, NFL, you watch NFL highlights like you do now, imagine if it was, people are going to look back on it and see, you know, like we look back on Dick Butkus. Imagine seeing him in pink. You know, the Chicago defense in the 60s,

headed by the vicious linebacker Dick Butkus with his pink shoes on. People are going to look back in a few years, you know, to watch NFL highlights, classic games, and they're going to be, what the fuck? Why are they in pink? If there's anfl even 20 years from now you know it's obviously a movement to ban football but um yeah there's more to that bit but i think we've played enough so ladies uh you got the choice. Freeze your eggs. Continue to work for Apple.

You'll be crying about the glass ceiling. Another myth. I had a bit on the glass ceiling, too. I'm like, I'd hate to be working. I'd hate to be working. What was the bit? I'd hate to be working. If there's a glass ceiling, I'd hate to be looking up through it.

And Hillary's on the floor above me. It'd be like watching my dad up on a ladder with his Bermuda shorts on. No underwear underneath. While he's cleaning the gutters and his left nuts dangling. I used to be a killer. I don't know what happens to a lot of these bits. They're out there somewhere. They're out there somewhere.

Yes. Oh, I got gigs tonight in the city why'd i put in for monday i'm tired i'm just tired folks i'm really tired you know 52 it gets to you the traveling it's still a blast though on stage i actually uh like i told you i went i went back to boston so i visited my parents who are about 20 miles north of the city and uh while i was up they had my buddy anth dr anthony seymour he's a kid i met in college lived in my dorm originally from augusta maine that's right his name is seymour and he's an optometrist he has like three or four offices one of them in my hometown how ironic kids from augusta i met him up at maine and uh he had checked my eyes like six years ago i was convinced i was going blind so he checks him again long story short no change slight stigmatism in my left eye. My right eye, I have better than average,

better than average sight in my right eyeball, and I'm 52. I get that from my mother. She could catch me giving her the finger four miles away, even in her 70s. But I don't even need prescription glasses, just those reading ones that you saw me wear on Nick and Artie

that made me look like I was 106. And then Artie's sister bought me some, which were nice. Stacey's real hip, and she's a fashion expert. But they didn't go, they were too hip for me. They looked good on Brad Pitt or something. Not on a half a guinea Frenchman. They're a little too fancy. So I still wear these, the ones you get at the uh the drugstore you know they cost six cents half you listen right now probably 28

and go what the fuck you talking about but uh that's pretty good come on man my eyes you should see me in a restaurant though when i forget my reading glass that's how i know i'm vain even after having these reading glasses for six years i never bring them anywhere what am i doing i'm married i'm not going like some 28 year old girls gonna look at me with big tits and go oh he looks and then i put on my reading glasses oh he just fight he looks like an asshole let's get out of here but you see me in a restaurant it's fucking hilarious i'm the one you know i got my wife holding the menu because I forgot my glasses.

She's 11 feet across the room. I'm like, what is that? What is that? Mustacholi with a bolognese? She's like, no, that's pancakes and eggs, fuckface. And then, you know, I yell right back at her.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! And I made her D steps in. There's no need for that type of language. And I go, go shit in your hat, you dick. I had a joke that started the whole world.

Happy birthday to me. Let's celebrate it with a song from the Bee Gees, ladies and gentlemen. Casey Kasem. This goes out to one sad clown sitting in his basement working for nothing. I started a joke which started the whole world

crying but I didn't see. This is gonna stick in your head. This is why I play this. But the joke was on me. Oh, no. I started to cry.

Which started the whole world laughing. Oh, if I don't mean to say Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Um, yeah. Hey, before I forget, gigs. This week.

Let me grab my date book that's on the floor about a fucking mile away. If you're in the Niagara Falls area, I don't know why you would be unless you're, you know, a serial killer. And the heat came down in your neighborhood in Akron, Ohio. So you're hiding up in Canada over by the fall. This Thursday night, I'm at the Seneca Casino, Niagara Falls. And then the next night on the 24th, which is Friday, I'll be at the Comedy Works in Albany. That's right, motherfuckers. I'll be at the Comedy Works in Albany.

That's right, motherfuckers. I've been putting it out there this week, this month, I should say. A lot of stage time. Only a few nights off. So if you're in that area, come by. If you're not, get on a helicopter. Don't be a dink. Come on over nice.

And then November, the Stress Factory. That's in New Brunswick, New Jersey, on the 7th or the 8th of November. And then the following weekend on the 14th and 15th at Belmore, the brokerage in Belmore, Long Island. That's one of my favorite gigs. James is the guy that owns it. You know, the guy that when his son said, Dad, there's a bird's nest up in the awning.

And he says, get the bleach. Get the bleach. Get the fucking bleach. Oh, my God. I love that. Get the fucking bleach. Dad, are you going to buy me one? And then the 22nd, Uncle Vinny's Point Pleasant.

And, yeah. Then the Comedy Shop, Regency House Hotel, Pompton Plains, New Jersey, on the 29th of November, my brother's birthday. So write those down, kids. Come on out, will you? Daddy needs a new pair of shoes, mothers. Well, I guess we should touch on sports.

Again, I try to keep the sports segment short because, again, like I said, you know how these shows are. You listen to them when you want. because again like I said you know these shows are you listen to them when you want you could be in you know keep them semi-topical but

Major League Baseball Jesus Christ I mean the season isn't long enough both ALCS and NLCS ended you know last week we couldn't start World Series last

we couldn't start it at Saturday or Sunday night. Got to wait till tomorrow night. That would be Tuesday if you're listening to this tonight. But good luck beating the Kansas City Royals. That's all I got to say. Bunch of young guys who don't know enough to be nervous. And they are doing it with small ball sick defense like i've never

seen that moustakas that third baseman you see the catch he made holy jesus i had to wipe my stomach with a towel after watching that tremendous they got scary pitching these relievers come in like in the seventh inning they all throw 99 to 101 and uh and hey and the giants you get this poach he might be the most underrated manager in baseball this should be a good series but i gotta i gotta believe the momentum and uh is with the royals something's with them i mean they haven't lost in the playoffs first time in i don't know how many years but i just wish we could get to it for christ's sake thanksgiving's a fucking minute away can we wrap it up are you with me kids

i started a joke for the whole world but i couldn't see. I'm planting this seed in your head, because this song will haunt you for days on end. I started a joke, which started the whole world crying. But I didn't see This song was written by Gallagher II, not the Furs of Gallagher. Not the choke upon me I started to cry It's either about the devil or Hitler, which I don't see the difference, to be honest.

Anyways. Football? You ask Nick, how'd you do in the pool? You ask? I'll tell you how. Six rights going into tonight's game. The league, it's

impossible, and I am solidly 79 out of 79 people. Didn't move up a notch. Incredible. Give me a break. Yeah. Patriots over the Jets, 27-25.

Some horseshit. The teams are interchangeable. Fucking Saints, you can't beat the Lions. Go home. Better shut that off before I get charged. But I think Barry Gibb likes my work. He comes to all of my shows when I'm on the road. He follows me around. It's kind of creepy. I'll be in the shower at a red roof inn. I'll pull back the curtain.

He'll be standing there with a finger in his ear like he's singing. Yeah, NFL, yeah. So I get six right. How embarrassing. The teams are interchangeable. I was talking to this with Quinn and I said, it's just like comedy.

There's 80,000 clubs, and 96% of the comics, you could just change them from club to club. They're interchangeable, and nobody would complain in the audience. And I'll put myself right in the middle of that group. But do you know what I'm saying, folks? Parody's not a good thing. You people that love the NFL so much. I like because any on any given sunday any team can be yeah because they all suck not because they're good they suck

they can't put three good weeks together that's not a sign of excellence it's a sign of mediocrity not to mention this shit I'm Jim Nance let's pretend this is a good matchup uh push in the back you all know how I feel about this and I still watch every game, even last night, although I didn't watch the whole thing. And I'd still take Tom Brady over. Peyton Manning is, yeah, it's neck and neck. But I'll take the guy. It's so funny.

Every time I hear these arguments come up in all sports, well, the question always is, well, who's got the most championships? That really defines it. Except when we're talking about Manning and Brady. It's always like, oh, no doubt Peyton is the. And I'm not arguing that he's not i'm just saying he doesn't do well in the clutch but boy is he something else he is like a robot doesn't he see him last night he threw a couple of ball that would just he doesn't have that arm strength in him but he has touch and he always had touch even eli has touch but he threw a ball last night it was so

beautifully thrown my sister could have caught it and she lost her hands in a fourth of july explosion a couple years ago so that's right she would have caught it with two stumps true story really nope um but he passed brett farve and uh he is something else. I think he needs a looser helmet, too. You see his forehead? He's almost bleeding from that. Hated that. What were some of the other games? The Giants, you know, they lost Cruz.

But just some of the games, like the Dolphins and the Bears. These teams are schizo-fucking-phrenic. Dolphins going to Chicago and whip the Bears. Why? Who would have picked that? Who? Girl named Tricia who had 12 right.

That's who. Probably in a tank top. Probably coming from Chailing, Praga. I mean, the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals who after week three, everybody was saying,

oh, they're the class of the league. What have they done since? God forbid these guys show up for work and put in an effort three weeks. The Colts dismantled them. So what do you do next week with the Bengals? Who's going to show up? The freaking Seahawks.

How about the Seahawks? Talk about, talk about, where are they going? What happened to them? They get rid of, what's his name? Harvin, Percy harvin and the jets take them woody johnson just loves crazy people that's what the jets need a fucking other attitude but i mean do you see what i'm saying carolina panthers i don't know how to bet them since they came into the league i don't know how to i mean since they came into the league. I don't know how to. I mean, when Tom Coughlin was running the show and they first came in,

they actually went to an NFC championship game, remember? But the charges, lose at home. They looked like they were going to be the class of the league the last few weeks. Just, I don't know. I guess it's what people like about it, the parody. But parody is not really a compliment. Not a positive thing. Parity.

But parody is not really a compliment. Not a positive thing. I mean, I took Texans tonight, getting like three and a half at Pittsburgh. Which Ben Roethlisberger is going to show up? Which Steelers team? The one that resembles the one in the 70s? Or the one that resembles the 1968 Patriots? So, you know.

And quickly, again, because the shows are, like I said, I don't know when you listen to it, but Florida State, Notre Dame. Of course, I had to hear that on the way home. I had to hear the highlights. I drove home from Boston back to New York after the second show. It was beautiful. The club paid me in between shows like they should. home from Boston back to New York after the second show. It was beautiful. The club paid me in between shows like they should.

All clubs take notice. If there's two shows and it's a guy's last night in town and it's clear, you know, if he has any bonuses, you figure that out. But they gave me the check in between shows because it was clear the last one wasn't going to be sold out and uh brought my bag into the green room because i know i had a three hour drive ahead of me and people go why do you could why three hours why why do why don't you just stay at the whole because i've been there already for two nights i'm crawling out of my freaking skin and i like to wake up in my bed if i can. Do you know what I'm saying? I'll go back to the room and I'll be wired after doing two shows. And I'll watch an infomercial, you know.

I'll watch an infomercial for fucking, you know, salad spinners. Or Columbia soft hits of the 70s. Be whacking it to Hall and Oates till four in the morning, you know. And I won't fall asleep till three o'clock. And you know what? By that time, I could have been home. So I think you get my point, right? That, and I do a couple lines of Coke and a little bit of meth,

and then I drink a Diet Pepsi, and I'm on my way. So I'm home by quarter to three. You know what I'm saying? Quarter to three. I love driving at night. Got the radio on. I alternate between a little bit of comedy here and there.

I get bored with that after telling jokes all night. And then I, you know, I put on, I try to find some AM talk. People arguing, you know, and not concentrating the road like a good driver.

And I look up and I'm home. And I wake up and my wife leaves a note uh i'm up at the barn the horse is day to day with an ass pull and uh i don't get to see her till then so it defeats the purpose coming anyways that's it kids uh happy anniversary thank you for uh again the numbers are growing so this is why I still do this. You know me. If I don't see a positive in it. But the show's still growing. It's been one year. This is the 52nd show. And I play the song for not only me, but, you know, for you for being sweet fans. All right. Nick DiPaolo signing off, you pitless wonders fans. All right.

Nick DiPaolo signing off, you pitless wonders. I love you. Happy anniversary. Oh, happy anniversary. I love you for helping me to construct of my life not a tavern,

but a temple. A temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. The guitar solo Yeah.