The Nick DiPaolo Show - 055 - Drubbing of the Dems

Episode Date: November 11, 2014

Drubbing of the Dems

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids. What's going on? Let's get this fucker over with, huh? Been preparing here for about, I don't know, seven hours? Because I made the mistake of updating, you know,, and this is the first show since I did that, and the whole thing looks different. And, you know, Rob Sprantz, the founder of Riotcast, you know, walked me through this step by step a year ago. But, you know, you update something,

it looks totally different to a retard like myself. Oh, I don't know. I'd say, you know, somebody with the tech savvy of a 10-year-old could have this done in a preparation done in about an hour. I'll tell you, I don't know. So how are you? You good? Oh, I'm terrific.

Hell yeah. It's November 10th. That means it's, well, you know what November 10th is, don't you? It's the birthday. That's right, the Marines. 1775, they were founded, I think. And then they were disbanded for like 23 years and kicked back into action in 1798. The reason I bring this up is my old man was a Marine.

So Semper Fi, daddy-o. Yeah. He sure was a Marine. I have the knots on my skull to prove it. Although if you'd watch my act, you would go, this kid was never disciplined. He's got a real potty mouth, and he's a good smack in the face. Come on, you've got to love the fucking Marines.

They're the first ones there. And do the math. they're the first ones there and do the math I don't know 1775 add 219 75 then add

I don't know 240 something I can't figure it out but holy shit that's a long song. Could be singing when you're getting shot at, isn't it? Alright, relax.

Yeah, the dad was, uh... My dad was, uh... stationed in Fort Lejeune in North Carolina in the 50s. And, yeah, kind of ugly back then in the Carolinas in the 50s racially and even, you know, in the military. Got crazy rednecks and poor white and black. But my dad, I remember telling me a story about like his first day when they lined up. The redneck drill sergeant comes out and he goes, how many motherfuckers we got here? And like all the black Marines had to step forward and raise their hand.

Nice. Huh. But apparently that's changed. At least when you watch the commercials on TV. When you see something for the Marines or the Army or any branch of the military. In the commercials, you know, five out of eight military personnel, at least in the commercials, are black or female. Five out of eight military personnel, at least in the commercials, are black or female.

But happy birthday to the Marines. You've got to admit, as far as pop culture goes, they have given us some good stuff. You know, one of my favorite personalities. This guy's gone on to do a lot of stuff. I think you've seen him in films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, like the latest version. You know what I'm talking about. I should have looked

him up, but the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jackal. This guy, you know what I'm talking about. You, John Wayne? Is this me? Who said that? Who the fuck said that? This sounds like my old man. Who's the slimy little commonest shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here

who just signed his own death warrant? My dad's nothing like this. Nobody, huh? The very fucking godmother said it. I'm fucking standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk. Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh? Sir, no, sir.

You little piece of shit. You look like a fucking worm. I'll bet it was you. Sir, no, sir. Sir, I... Until your asshole is sucking buttermilk. I'm going to use that next time I'm heckled. You know, shut your mouth. I'm going to stay on you until your asshole's sucking

buttermilk. Hey, doorman, can I get a club soda for that table? By the way, that's code. If you guys ever hear that and you're at a comedy club and you're not behaving yourselves and you get warned about four times and then if you hear the comedian go, can I get a club soda or something like that or Pepsi light for these douchebags?

I don't do that. I used to, you know, they tell you sometimes when you get to the club. Is there any, and I go, yeah, throw these fucking twats out, please. That's my code. I'll get to my weekend of comedy at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, which was good and bad. It was actually great and horrible at the same time. And I'll get into the

reasons why but they turned out in droves I thought that goddamn much we have proof of that but back to my favorite marine no shit what have we got here fucking comedian private joke yeah that's me i admire your honesty hell i like you you can come over to my house and fuck my sister you little scumbag i got your name i got your ass you will not laugh you will not cry you will learn by the i mean what he invited the guy to fuck your sister, then you punched him in the stomach. It makes no sense. Actually asking, you know, inviting somebody to fuck your sister makes no sense.

That was unnecessary. That would be, imagine if they did this shit today. It would be a lawsuit, and it would be a lot better off if they treated, you know treated soldiers like this today. When I did that USO tour, I did a couple of them. I did one with Colin Quinn and Robert Kelly and a few other guys. We went to Japan, and that was the first time I couldn't believe I was exposed to political correctness in the military. I'm making, you know know like Muslim cracks and

I'm getting like just same thing I'd get in a comedy club if I was in Austin like it was weird I couldn't believe these are young Marines you know and it was like what the fuck I come off Colin Quinn because you're the only guy that could fucking scare the Marines with

your material and it wasn't even anything really harsh. Then again, I think they told us beforehand not to make fun of the culture, which is the worst thing you want to do is to tell a comedian right before they go on, you know, don't say this or don't approach this or leave this subject out,

because then it's in your head. It's like planted in the back of your head and you can't help it. You're like a moth to a bright light. You go towards it every time and uh but i couldn't believe it i was talking to the marines like when i was done uh i was they were outside smoking cigarettes and stuff and i was talking and they're like oh yeah it's brutal and then that was the first time i was exposed to that uh you know they can't shoot at anybody unless they shot at first. Policy. Can you fucking imagine?

I think that's still in place. Can you imagine? Would you ever sign up for the military knowing that? We have lost our freaking minds. I'm telling you, it's a rigged game. Numbers, I will teach you. Now get up. Get on your feet.

You at best unf fuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and check down your neck Joker why did you join my beloved cold start to kill sir so you're a killer sir yes sir let me see your war face sir you got a war face ah that's a war face now let me see your war face see now he asked me I would have done a dick Cheney impression you didn't convince me let me see your real war face you don't scare me work on it sir yes sir what's your excuse sir excuse for what sir I'm asking the fucking questions here private you understand sir Sir, yes, sir.

Well, thank you very much. Can I be in charge for a while? Sir, yes, sir. Are you shook up? Are you nervous? Sir, I am, sir. Do I make you nervous? Sir.

Sir, what? Are you about to call me an asshole? Sir, no, sir. How tall are you, Private? Sir, five foot nine, sir. Five foot nine. I didn't know they stacked shit that high. Oh, that's hack, Sarge. Come on.

Christ's sake. I heard that one in the... Christ, my grampy used that one. Gotta get better shit than that. We gotta come up with an updated version. Trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh? Sir, no, sir! Bullshit, it looks to me like the best part of you ran down to crack your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

Ooh, let me use that one next time I'm at the stress factory and somebody yells something. We go from this guy to this guy. I love you for helping me to construct of my life. This is a Marine today. Marine Sergeant talking to his

platoon. This is how we nurture today. Button it. Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me? Yeah, button it. Anyways, happy birthday, Marines. Should have went with the goma pile clip. I think Veterans Day is, what, Thursday?

So, yeah, you got to give them the props especially a comedian you know it's these guys that uh laid on the line so we can shoot our mouths off which to me is still the best part of this country and um you know what i mean so props my old man didn't see any action he got caught stealing beer out of an officer's club, though, him and another guy. So I guess he wasn't quite that disciplined. It had to be weird. His grandparents are right off the boat from Italy, and then he's in the Marines, you know. And let me see, he was born in 35, so he was in his 20s. But he did learn that discipline the shit they did but he was telling me like they'd go to bed you know lights out at whatever 10 o'clock or nine o'clock

and and um all of a sudden well you know they'd be sleeping in the barracks all of a sudden the lights would flick on like four or three in the morning and a bunch of sergeants would come in and throwing buckets of sand and water all over the guys while they're sleeping and and then they had to clean it up and this is even old to old school but they had to you know clean it all up the barracks they'd be'd be up for, and if they, and then they'd come and inspect it. If they literally found a grain of sand, they'd do it all over again. And he said there was guys that were up for like six days. What you learn from that, I don't know.

I have no goddamn idea. I mean, but the, you know, my old man definitely had the discipline. And I mean, very, my father, very everything, shoes lined up in the closet and very clean, very clean guy. That's what my mother loved about my old man. She always said that how he smelled clean. but you know to get up and go to the same job and and and to support your kids for 40 something years or whatever a job that you really didn't like that takes discipline and mental toughness and what was the other train oh the other the story I remember him telling me he was on a train and he was with another marine who's a like a smaller guy my old man wasn't too big

either probably old man's probably 160 pounds so going with that if that and his buddy was drunk and um his buddy saw a uh an army jacket on on like the seat on the train and so he started he pissed all over the army jacket because he's a marine and the army guy came out of nowhere and saw him pissing on his jacket came came through the door from the end of the train and saw my father's uh friend pissing on the on his jacket and uh started to fucking you know wail on him and my father jumped in and like saved the kid and got his face beat in on behalf of his drunk friend this big fucking

like six foot four 240 pound army sergeant started fucking wailing on the old man said he took quite a pounding on behalf of his friend um yeah so what the hell else

heads pounding here so yeah so what I talked to you last Tuesday when I did this that was that was you know on election day November 4th and I love the results, I got to be honest with you. But before I get to that, let's go to... Let's go to the Stress Factory. Yeah, let's talk about my weekend at the Stress Factory.

Which, it's friggin' weird. I hadn't been there in quite a few years. And then I remembered why. This guy, excuse me. First of all, on Friday night, you know, I live in northern Westchester. Stress Factory is in New Brunswick. The first show is at 7.30 on a Friday night. 99% of the shows across the country would start at 8 on Friday,

but Vinny, the guy that runs it, has a 7.30 show Friday night. So I'm trying to figure out what's the best time to leave. I'm 72 miles from the club, and because of where I'm located, there's really no good time to leave. You know what I'm talking about? It's about an hour and 20 minute ride, but, you know, I'm like, what the fuck? When do I leave? Because if I get there, you know, you don't want to get a hotel room. I used to stay there and sleep over. I have no idea why. That's when you know.

But, you know, he had a hotel room not far from the club. But I don't want to do that. Anything under a couple hours, I'm driving home, at least at this stage. So I leave at like 6. Figured, you know, I checked. You know, you check your traffic traffic thing on your phone and it said you know an hour and a half it actually said an hour and 40 something because of the traffic or whatever so I get on the sawmill parkway I go about 10 miles this is Friday night I go about

10 miles right I'm on the sawmill parkway from I'm not even 10 minutes from my house all of a sudden those lights I see two miles worth of taillights backed up. And obviously a frigging accident, of course. So I sit there for about five minutes. I got to get out of this or I'm fucked. There's no way. There's no room for error is the point. So I make a legal U-turn on the sawmill when I can.

And now I'm heading north. I should be heading south. That's a good feeling, huh? You're late for a show and you're heading the wrong way. And then I missed the exit I was going to take that's going to put me on 287 to 87 to the GW Bridge. I don't know how I missed it. I have no idea. So now I'm going, heading even further north

and I have to turn around. I was just frigging, I'm looking at my watch and I'm sweating beads going. So then I call and I leave a message on Vinny, the owner's cell phone. Gone Vinny, there's a fucking accident on the sawmill. You know, my GPS is telling me I'm going to be there at like 810 and I'm just sweating bullets. And I go, this is why I never, this is why I want to move out of the Northeast. I fucking hate this place. I'm swearing into the phone.

And turns out he wasn't even there. He was in like an LA. He's got like a reality show about his comedy club with his family. He's got like six kids. I'll get into him in a few minutes. Love him as a person. Hate him as a comedy club owner.

The worst. The absolute worst. That's coming from a comedian's standpoint. I'm not talking about if you want to go see comedy in that area, you go to that club. You'll have a great time, but I'll get into it in a few minutes on why he just totally should either pick. He does comedy, too, but he should either pick one or the other.

You can't be a comedy club owner and a comic. You just can't. They're mutually exclusive if you want to do it right. Anyways, I end up, you know, finally, you know, I get near the GW. You know how that is on a Friday night. Whatever the fuck. And just, I get there at like 8 o'clock. just uh i i get there like eight o'clock and uh which is fine because first of all i'm thinking vinny's there so when he's known he's the host sometimes he'll go on he's been

known to do 40 minutes up front not counting 10 minutes of announcements of who's coming to his club but i'm thinking but you know he wasn't even there. So I get there and it kind of worked out perfect because the feature act of this very funny chick, by the way, I want to remember her name, Kendrick Cunningham, Boston bride,

and pretty goddamn funny in a subtle, mean way, actually. I went on YouTube to watch her to see who I was working with. I guess Vinny, I don't know how Vinny found her,

but, and I ended up watching her whole 10 minutes, which I never do to anybody. And, but she was pretty damn funny. But anyways, I got there and made it in time. It actually worked out perfect. I didn't have to sit in this little shitty green room. But, so then on the way home Friday night, I'm like, oh God, you know, I'm driving back

and it's like, this is beautiful because the second show started at quarter ten, forty five or whatever. So by the time I get out of there, it's twelve. Whatever. Midnight, twelve, fifteen. And it's beautiful. There's no traffic. I blow over the GW Bridge and I'm like, God, this is like two different gigs. You know, this is I'm cutting the time in half after what I went through. And, um, at least it felt that way. I get on the sawmill all of a sudden, right up by, I think it was Elmsford, right where 287 is, all of a sudden, same thing.

I see a bunch of, it comes to a complete halt and I'm like, oh, you gotta be shitting me. And I can see, I'm looking through my windshield, windshield you know up the road about a not even a I'd say about a quarter mile half a mile so it must have just happened I can see um you know cop lights ambulance lights reflecting off the sign you know the highway signs and I see like white smoke and shit. And so stopped to a halt. This is, so I looked down at my clock. It's like quarter to one at this point. And I'm like, oh, please don't fucking take too long. Cut to an hour and six minutes later.

I'm still sitting there. People are getting out of their cars, you know, and getting up on the, like on the, you know, on the, standing on the hoods of their cars to see if they can see what's going on. Lady in front of me gets out of her minivan, opens the back of it, and she's taking food out for whoever's in the car. I don't think it was kids, but, and just, we sat there for an hour and six minutes, not moving a fucking inch. And this is, you know, 15, I don't know, 20 miles from my home.

So I sat there. After just going, this is beautiful, I'm zipping right home, I'm making record time. And just sat there like a fucking putz. This is after going through that stress getting there. I mean, it's the Sawmill Parkway, for Christ's sake. It's not like, you know, the Bruckner. You know what I mean, it's the Sawmill Parkway for Christ's sake. It's not like, you know, the Bruckner, you know what I mean, with trucks and shit. It's quarter of one in the morning. How do

you get in an accident? How does that even happen? So I sat there like a putz. People shut off like their lights and stuff. It was kind of weird. I'm looking up at the stars in the sky. Everybody shuts off their headlights. And then these big flatbeds are trying to get through to the accident to take away whatever car or truck tipped over. And these tow trucks kept coming up the middle. And this

sawmill parkway, if you're not from Iran, it's very narrow. It's two lanes. I'm in the left lane. I got the guardrail a cunt hair from my driver's side mirror. And got the guardrail, you know a contact from my Drive-aside mirror and then the people on the right trying to get up on the grass a little bit so they can move and these Trucks are coming by and I know that they must have clipped a couple mirrors and then uh, you know police cars are trying to get through You understand if you like in the city, but you're you know, you're on like a rural road in northern Westchester. Really? Quarter one in the fucking morning.

Anyways. So, and it was pretty good turnout Friday night, you know. Better than three quarters, I'd say. Right around, yeah, I'd say better than three quarters. Saturday night, I get there on time. You know how it is. It's much easier on Saturday. And I come in. night I get there on time. You know how it is. It's much easier on Saturday. And I come

in. First I'm standing outside because, again, first show's at 7.30. I get there like at 7.30. And there's still a line to get in. And I'm thinking, oh, these people must be buying tickets for the second show. There's no way

this is... So I'm standing out there like these people must be buying tickets for the second show. There's no way this is. So I'm standing out there, like, talking to another guy, because I didn't want to go in yet. I feel weird walking through the crowd. I just don't like that. Anyways, so one of the guys that's waiting to get in goes to me, Nick, when are you going on? And I go, not for a while, apparently.

And he laughed. I'm like, why is he laughing? he must be buying tickets for the next show what the fuck so anyways and a waitress comes up and she's like late for work she's running in so I get right on her ass I'm drafting like you know like you would if you were in a NASCAR race she leads

me through the crowd into the club and the show hasn't started yet and all these people a lot of people they're all standing up near the bar because they don't have seats they oversold the first show which is good news for me a couple more bucks or whatever the fuck anyways

that show doesn't start for I don't know I don't even remember it started I don't know remember. It started, you know, I don't know, like 7.30 maybe? No, 7.45 was supposed to start. I mean, 8.30? Way, way late.

Way late. Anyways, the second show is supposed to start at 9.45. By the way, Vinny is hosting. He's there. He's there. And the second show is as busy, just as busy almost. It's sold out. I don't think it was oversold, but I did still see people standing.

And Vinny's on stage. And this club sucks because let me, we're going to go over what makes a good comedy club to a comic. First of all, a green room, not like a fucking closet. This place was the size of like a large bathroom and it had a Pac-Man machine in it. I forgot how shitty this was. And there's like two chairs. And so it's just tiny. It's claustrophobic.

And it's right there next to the men's room and the ladies room which and and what makes for a great green room if you ask most comics especially guys who are headliners whatever going on last is you want it away from the room so you don't have to hear the show you know i mean you don't have to want to the worst thing is to be able to have to sit in a green room and listen to the whole show it's mentally exhausting because just by curiosity you have one ear you know listening to what the guys that are on before you are doing it's really distracting and a good good green room is away from the action you know with a tv and you know there was none of that it was nothing um so I'm sitting in there the whole night so yeah second show's at 9 45 now Vinny owns the place okay so it's in his interest to

make the night and the show last as long as possible because he's going to sell that much more booze and this is where he's smart he's also a comic or he probably did this on purpose became a comic now he's the mc he can control how long the show goes and we can't really give him any guff which i did years ago that's why he didn't have me back um you know it's really friggin' rude, and he should know better, because he's a comic, to make the fucking show last almost three hours, two and a half hours. I think it was two and a half hours,

the second show. And he's doing that, why? To sell booze. He's selling booze, obviously, the longer it goes. I'm sitting there, even this Kendra girl I'm working with, she's like,

what's this guy a fucking asshole with that Massachusetts accent? I'm fucking belly laughing. I go, no, he's the owner. It's in his interest to string this night out between the food and the booze. Guy's got to be a zillionaire. And so she had a train to catch

the middle act, Kendra. lives in brooklyn she's supposed to catch like a new jersey transit train at 11 16 or 11 12 i think it was he brings her on at like 11 18 no chance of catching the train and uh what am i gonna leave her stranded there the poor kid she's gonna what what get a hotel room or whatever, you know? And Vinny's up there. First of all, so we're sitting in the green room. Let me see. It's quarter to 10.

The show is supposed to start. It's now like 1025. The show isn't even close to starting yet. She goes out there. She comes back in, the opening act with a look on her face. I go, what's the matter? She goes, Vinny's out there running around with a video camera. He does this before the show.

He's got like a camera, and they put the camera on the people in the audience, and then you see yourself. He's got all these monitors all over the club, so you see yourself up in the monitor, and they put some stupid joke underneath, and everybody laughs. And Vinny's working the camera. It's usually somebody else, I think. But he's running around like the show's not even close.

There's not even a sign it's going to start. With an X, whatever. And her and I just sitting in there fuming. And the other thing, nobody comes back not once the whole night to say. And it's usually when you're the headliner. They have a waitress assigned to the green room. They come back every half hour or 25 minutes. Do you need something to drink or food?

Nobody. Nobody. Not nobody the whole night until about three minutes before I was about to go on in the second show. Nobody asked us. We're just treated horrendously. And it's too bad because i like this guy as a guy i respect that he's got six kids he's a you know hard-working guy and uh but it's almost like

passive-aggressive what he's doing to to make the night that fucking miserable and that long and as a comedy club audience member, you know, by the time, there's only so many laughs, in my opinion, in a few other comedies, there's only so many laughs in an audience, you know?

So he's got videos playing of, you know, of like funniest home videos, people, babies spitting up milk, and people getting hit in the nuts with fucking golf balls and shit. He's playing that shit for like 20 minutes and then he runs around with that homemade

camera for another 20 minutes and then he goes up on stage and he does more time and it's just not conducive to you know to the closing act the headliner by the time you go on those people had literally I mean they got there for the, you know,

the show was for 945. They got there, who knows, friggin' 9, 9.15. They didn't get out of there until 12.30, quarter to 1. And they're just exhausted, and you can't blame them. I mean, they were fine, because this club's great, and New Jersey's always good to me, you know? But you can't blame some people

for just getting fucking drunk and then it gets a little loud and as a comic you're trying to just, you know, bite your tongue and get through it. But it makes for, it just fucking ruins what's supposed to be a fun night.

But the dough this guy made. But they, I could hand a list. I want to send a list out to people who run clubs. Here's what you do. First of all, you don't have loud music blaring

when you're seating people. This goes for all clubs because that puts audience members in the wrong frame of mind to be at a comedy club. You're about to watch a comedy show.

You're going to sit there and be quiet. You don't fucking watch a comedy show. You're going to sit there and be quiet. You don't fucking get them in this rock concert mentality. And then you don't have the guy in the mic go, Good evening! Welcome to the Funny Bone! Let me hear you make some noise!

You don't fucking... It's not a titty bar. It's not a fucking tractor pole. It's a fucking comedy club. You should be setting it up like, getting them in the mentality, the same mentality they would have if they were going to see a play.

Although I know there's a big difference between Dick Jokes and Othello, but I'm just saying. And the crowd cheers, that wasn't loud enough! Let me hear you Saturday! And then you're going to ask them to shut the fuck up and yell at them if they start talking.

Does that make any sense to anybody? And then you add on top of it that video cam he's running around with and shit, and like I said, again, if you like that shit, I mean, he must have like an 18-year-old mentality. But it's no way. It's no way to set the, you know. But he's been there forever, and I think he owns the building.

And let me tell you something. This kid Jeff hosted on Friday night. He also seats people and does everything else. He said to me it was the busiest he has ever seen that place. In the five years that he's been working there, it was the busiest he's ever seen that play in the five years that he's been working there. It was the busiest night he's ever seen. The computers crashed a couple of times. And and seeing all that, I realized how fucking poorly I was paid.

But I'm the one who paid it. So that's my fault. But I, Vinny, I love you, man. And I just do. Do us a favor. The last three times I played there, he wasn't hosting because we got into it years ago. I showed my disgust outright at how long the show was before he brought me on, like my second or third time there. You know, Vinny had hosted. So he wasn't there for like the next three times.

And it's a good club. I mean, you know, it holds like 340 or 360. But I don't want to go back there. You know what I mean? So he's cutting his own balls off because he made a ton of money. Yeah, I'm sure he can throw dice in there or whoever anytime he wants. But I wouldn't go back there again. Not after that.

Sitting in that fucking shitty green room and just... Ugh. Yeah. So, um... Just a long ass. And so then I gave Kendra a ride.

And again, if I didn't think she was funny, I wouldn't have offered. But she was cracking me up this brought. Kendra a ride. And again, if I didn't think she was funny, I wouldn't have offered. But she was cracking me up, this broad. Kendra Cunningham. She's got that mass accent. And yeah, so I dropped her off in the city. She lives in Brooklyn.

And ended up getting home at Christ 2.30. I don't know what the fuck it was. But if you're at a comedy club, you don't do that. You don't rile up the audience beforehand. The headline should go on, in my opinion, no later than 30 minutes into the show. You know? It's just, but he makes a ton of money.

Like I said, it goes against his interest to keep it tight and short. So he takes advantage of it. And man, does he, and then he said it was a benefit. There's some family. He knew somebody died of cancer and he was doing this raffle throughout the show that was taken forever and shit.

And then I'm up there doing cancer jokes. I mean, come on, we're in New Jersey, the turnpike and all the toxic horse shit that you smell. So I probably hurt a few feelings, but what are you going to do at that point? So, good weekend as far as making, you know,

next a few bucks because it was so crowded. It actually worked out to where he paid me what I should have been getting paid before shows. In my opinion. In my humble opinion. But just horrendous between the fucking traffic and the accidents and the Saturday night marathon.

I think it was three hours. I'm not shitting you. It was like, here's another thing for you comedy club owners. Once the guy comes off stage, unless it's a pure door deal and you have to count the cash or whatever, that check should be ready and waiting. Last guy should never

have to come off the stage and sit in the green room for 25 minutes or whatever the fuck. That check should be handed to him coming off the stage. It's that simple. It's the beauty of what we do. It's simple. They know the math. They know what the contract said. They could have handed me the stage. It's that simple. It's the beauty of what we do. It's simple. They know the math.

They know what the contract said. They could have handed me the envelope three minutes after I got off stage. But no, I had to hang around another 20 minutes. These are things that they can do. When you build a comedy club, I'm going to go a little further. If you're starting a new comedy club, I don't know go a little further. Uh, if you're starting a new comedy club, what, I don't know why it would be in 2014, but you want to play so that a low ceiling too. This doesn't have to do with the stress factor. It's, it's set up good that way. Um, cause the improv opens these cavernous places and they still do it like in Pittsburgh where you could hit fungos and the, it's just horrendous as far as acoustics and uh it's uh that's another key so it's really easy and and that's why i i so want to do theaters i do them i do a handful you know

but i want all theaters and that's up to me i will i will i'm gonna hire publicists i'm not shitting i called my agent today i said i'm scott i'm gonna find somebody that's gonna book me you know no no more of the fucking circuit, the comedy club circuit. It's so much nicer when you do a theater and the people, you know, you don't have 12 girls sitting at one table drunk or guys. It doesn't get rowdy, although they still serve alcohol at theater gigs. So it's, you know, but it's beautiful, you know, maybe go in a night early to do publicity the day of the show. I'll do all that stuff and get paid like you would if you did four or five shows at a stress factory or whatever.

That is the goal, and obviously you have to become enough of a commercial success that people are going to pay to come out and see that, and I have my spots. I pick my spots, you know, Ridgefield and places around here, I do well. But I would love to have a year of that. I could give a shit to go near a comedy club ever again. And this really, this weekend, that wasn't the first time I thought those thoughts, obviously.

But, mamma mia. Total show should be 90 minutes tops. Even if it's short of that. Less is more. That was learned in the 90s, for crying out loud. But, anyways. Vinny's got a show, it's based on the club, and his, like I said, he's got a wife and six kids.

And I don't know where he gets his energy. The guy's definitely an animal. He was on Last Comic Standing, I believe. And he's doing a reality show. That's where he was Saturday. He was out in L.A. He's got a deal with Nickelodeon. It's him running a comedy club.

Oh, that was the other thing. At the end of the night, I go in to get paid. And I tell the guy what the figure is. And he goes, well, where are you getting the bonus? I go, they were both sold out tonight. He goes, oh, but the second show, we were like four people short. And I go, you're not going to fucking pay me? And he goes, no.

And I go, you're kidding, right? And he goes, yeah. But he strung it out for like two minutes. And then Vinny calls me in my car on the way home and goes, hey, we recorded you. When we told you we weren't bonusing you, that was all. We recorded all that. Vinny, I don't want you to use it. I don't bonusing you that was all we recorded all that Vinny I don't want you to use it I don't want people to know when I get paid but they were bullshit and they and they I wonder what else they recorded there was a

thing in the green room it looked like a microphone hanging out of the ceiling and um I'm going oh my god my God. Thinking about it now. That was probably a live mic. So, yeah, I figured out. So, you know, Saturday night, and I'm being conservative here. The place holds 340, and it was over that at both shows. So let's say I'm going to be conservative. I played to 700 paying customers.

And then Friday night, it was close to full on both shows. Let's be conservative there, and then friday night it was close to full on both shows let's be conservative then let's say even it was 200 that's 1100 tickets and he does sell the tickets on the weekends he doesn't pay for the room he told me uh 1100 tickets you do the math we were doing the math just on saturday night he took in like 31,500 at the door. That doesn't even count booze and food. I mean, are you shitting me? Am I on the wrong end of this or what? So, kids, what I'm saying is listen to this podcast, become a fan,

and, you know, make it so I can just do a theater in and out one night. Right? Right. So anyways, last time I talked to you was last Tuesday, which was Election Day. And, yeah, it turned out good for fellows like myself. You dems got a real drubbing and deservedly so. Because this president is really unpopular. We have audio. I guess Harry Reid even admitted.

We have Harry Reid talking about the president. This is him. And you blew it! You blew it! And you blew it! You blew it! And you blew it! You blew it! Yeah, you guys get skunked.

A resounding loss. But it's so funny, man. And you listen to the media. They're already couching it. You know, like, oh, and Obama's saying this. And all the Dems and the pundits. Well, what the country was saying is that they want us to work together and to get something done. That's not what they're saying.

They said they fucking reject everything your horseshit liberal fucking friends stand for. Okay, that's what they said. Enough of the, he's a racist. This senator's sexist. That shit is, people are tired of that. Even Dems, some of them. What's that Wasserman, what, Debbie Wasserman Schultz? Ugh.

She's so dumb that she actually believes her shit. She headed up to DNC, I think. I think she's going to be finished. But you ever hear her? What a just blind ideologue. Oh, just a fucking dope with straggly hair. She's never going to see the light of day again. Ugh.

That's what the country's saying, that they want the Republicans. No, no, no, no, no. Like the president said after the last one, elections matter. You fucking lost. You lost big. Not just at the, you know, senatorial level

of the Congress. I'm talking about governorships all over the country. Yeah, state. At the state level, you lost big. You lost big. And you blew it. You blew it. You did.

And there was a couple of stories in the New York Post today to me that exemplify why you blew it. Andrea Pizer, who I can take or leave. Sometimes she gets too uppity with her fucking, oh, the world is so sexist horse shit, but most of the time she's right on the money. But she had a story in the paper today in the Post about this couple, Cynthia and Robert Gifford.

They live upstate, way upstate, and they have this farm. And, you know, way upstate, and they have this farm. And, you know, way upstate. And a few years ago, they started having, like, weddings on the farm and wedding receptions and stuff, you know? And what happened was a couple called, a gay couple, a couple of women, they didn't know, and asked if they could be married on the farm, you know. And the woman who owned the farm said right there on the phone,

no, that goes against our religious beliefs, which she has a right to do. It's protected under the Constitution but what she didn't know was this these two lesbians were recording her conversation this is a type of shit people are sick of and why you get your asses handed to you yeah she didn't know she's being

recorded by this Jennifer McCarthy and mccarthy and her girlfriend then the pair uh filed their formal complaint with the state division of human rights and this past august an administrative law judge from the bronx migdalia perez decreed that the farm was a public accommodation and ordered the penalties, ruling that the Giffords had violated state law by discriminating against the two women. So they were nailed with the order to pay $13,000,

$10,000 to the state, another $1,500 to each of the girls for mental anguish. See, this is why you lost shit like this with the government just you know it's like a it's like a dictatorship it's fucking imposing their will on you you You know what I mean? How can you force people

to violate their own beliefs, their religious beliefs, you know? You're protected. It's going on all over the place, you know? She listed a couple of other places. In Oregon, there was, I know you guys heard, this is Christian Bakers who refused to sell a wedding cake to two lesbians,

faced hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines. In Washington State, there was a florist, a Christian florist, who might have to pay a bunch of fines because she didn't want to provide wedding flowers to know, a wedding flowers to two gay guys. It's so funny when it's Christians, huh? But if it was any other religion, they'd bend over backwards to accommodate it. It's, this is the type of

shit people are getting sick of, man. You know? So, um, that's why you get your asses handed to you. The government just strong-arming people. The U.S. Supreme Court this year declined to hear the case of a Christian photographer in New Mexico who claimed that refusing to shoot the commitment ceremony of two lesbians

was not only an expression of her constitutional right, which it is, to religious freedom, it was protected by her First Amendment right to free speech. New Mexico Supreme Court and the state's Human Rights Commission just sounds like Russia to me, circa 1940. Human Rights Commission decreed that her refusal equaled unlawful discrimination. People being punished because of their religious beliefs.

Fuck you. I don't even have to say that myself. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, stop it.

Yeah, so, uh, pooh pooh. I defend the Giffords, the people upstate. They have a right, for Christ's sake. It's their, it's their, you know what I mean? It's their business. Jesus Christ. They have a lawyer that was defending him and i like what he said uh

what did he call it it was more of a compulsion yeah the the lawyer defending um the giffords the people who have the farm upstate said we've gone from tolerance to compulsion. Exactly right. Exactly. State government should not be forcing people to violate their own religious beliefs, nor should they be forced to make a choice between making a living and violating their own faith. Hmm.

That lawyer also said he thinks there's an effort underway to change the social order. Gee, you think? And one of the ways is to redefine marriage. Yeah. Personally, I don't give a shit. Myself. You know, I don't care if gay people get married,

but people, you know, when it affects their business like that, they have a right if it goes against their religious beliefs. Don't they? Sure they do. And then, yeah, there was a couple of stories of this, like, left-wing fascism. There was one about De Niro in the Post today, too. He bought a farmhouse way up in Elster County, upstate New York, I guess. And what he did was, like the article said, he improved it.

He added land, and he transformed one of the unused barns into a recreation center and another one into a workshop. So he's doing good for the public, right? And then what did the town do? They jacked up his tax assessment to $6 million. Yeah. So under his new assessment, and we know De Niro has the money,

but that's not the point. His new property taxes come out to $170,000 a year. Problem is the town already spent $150,000 in legal fees. Even if the city wins, it'll get only 11% of the tax revenue. 60% goes to the school district. That's like here in the town I live in. I pay money to the next town over. My property taxes are outrageous.

And I think it's more than 60 percent goes to a school district in the next town i don't even have kids i don't even live in that town that's because it was the way it was zoned back in the 50s and it still applies so i get raped on the property taxes but it's uh it's all school taxes so 60 percent goes to the school district so it's not even really helping the town and um but what's interesting in that they bring this up in this story is how denaro's a bit of a hypocrite you know typical hollywood hypocrite during the 2012 campaign denaro appeared on cnn and and he said he absolutely agreed that the rich should pay more and questioned how little Mitt Romney was paying.

But, you know, when it comes to him, and that's typical Hollywood liberal limousine liberal, right? Right? When it comes to them, they're telling you how to live your life until it applies to them, and then they do what they want. But the point being again uh it's the government sticking it up your ace um yeah imagine that way up in farm country way the fuck up there in farm country Yeah. Imagine that.

Way up in farm country. Way the fuck up there in farm country. And it's like, what the hell, it's the 52nd most expensive as far as property taxes goes. Humma, humma, humma. And the other story, what was the other... Another story of big government sticking their beak where it doesn't belong.

Oh, um... Westminster, Massachusetts. I think that's out in the western part of the state, if I'm not mistaken. I think that's out in the western part of the state, if I'm not mistaken. You know, out in the Berkshires where it's all, it's like a commune out there where all the real liberal colleges are and stuff. Well, I'll tell you what's going on there. They're on the front line of a tobacco war.

Sleepy central Massachusetts town of 7700 has become an improbable battleground in America's tobacco wars. On Wednesday, the Board of Health will hear public comment on a proposed regulation that could make it the first municipality in the United States to ban tobacco sales. What the fuck? Last time I checked, this shit was legal.

It's still legal, right? Town health agent Elizabeth Swedberg once again, a chick said a ban is a sensible solution to a vexing problem. The tobacco companies are really promoting products to hook young people. Jesus Christ, that argument was popular, what, 20 years ago? She said pointing to the 69-cent bubblegum-flavored cigars. I love those things.

Citing a report from the U.S. Surgeon General Swedberg said 5.6 million children who are younger than 18 today will die prematurely because of smoking yeah you know what they have a fucking right to choose how they live their lives this is what I'm talking about this is the pompous arrogant left I'm guessing she's a you know I'm guessing she's a, you know, I'm guessing she votes Democrat.

But that's their choice. You know what I mean? That's their freaking choice, how they live their lives. Change has to start somewhere. Imagine being that arrogant, oh yeah, you're going to start. We'll start with you. It's just your opinion, bitch.

Of course, the guy who owns the groceries, it's a family-owned grocery store on Main Street. He says a quarter of his customers purchase tobacco, and they pick up groceries while they're there. And like he says, it's just going to send businesses five minutes this way or five minutes that way. No one's going to quit. And he's exactly right.

You happy, though? You crushed a little business with your pompous we know better. This fucking wet dream. You know, she has such a hatred for corporations. That's what it is. And again, we know they don't create jobs, right? Isn't that what fucking Hillary said? And the other douchebag from Harvard?

I can't remember her name. The chick who claims she's half Indian. 1-8th Cherokee. Elizabeth Warren. I love how we're talking about how Hillary's going to be the next nominee for the Dems. I don't think it's going happen she hasn't it she no way she can distance herself from Obama after being Secretary of State and all the other horseshit she's just a hippie she's just like him in a pantsuit I hope she runs she's gonna get crushed country's had enough

of leftist hippie horse shit this one cracked me up this is the headline Ivy League students asked Rick Perry for anal sex during campus visit

oh good at Dartmouth Oh, good. I love you for helping me to construct... At Dartmouth. This was at Dartmouth. A student at Dartmouth College asked Texas Governor Rick Perry Sunday if he would accept anal sex in exchange for $102 million in campaign contributions. Senior Emily Sellily sellers and again these are the people this is i'm telling you what hurt you are you listening senior emily sellers a

member of the dartmouth the official campus newspaper posed the question i'm guessing she's gay i don't know maybe not pose the question to confront perry's stance on homosexuality see they're obsessed with it they can't leave it alone for a second. You can't leave it alone. Even if she isn't gay. You can't leave it alone. Another student, Timothy Messon, accused Perry of comparing homosexuality to alcoholism. Do you, Rick Perry, dislike...

This is the question. Do you, Rick Perry, dislike booty sex because the peenie goes in where the poopy comes out? Do you, Rick Perry, dislike booty sex because the peenie goes in where the poopy comes out? And, you know, if fucking Rick Perry had any balls, he would have just said, look. Fuck you! Fuck you! You know? But no. Let me repeat the question. This is at Dartmouth, okay?

This is our best and our brightest, the Ivy League. Do you, Rick Perry, dislike booty sex because the peenie goes in where the poopy comes out? What other reason would it be that I dislike it? But see, I love the fact, I'm caught in the middle on this one. I love the fact that we live in a country where you could, you know, even if that was the president of the United States, you could ask something like that and not be taken out and shot the next day. That's what the Dems don't seem to grasp, that freedom of speech.

But that's not going to help you. I mean, the obsession with the gay thing is not helping you guys at all. Listen to this. The questions were written by sophomore Ben Packer. Okay? Really? Is that his last name? Seriously.

And passed out on flyers before the event, but they were not well received by the other students in attendance. Yeah, sure they weren't. Is that his last name? Seriously. And passed out on flyers before the event, but they were not well received by the other students in attendance. Yeah, sure they weren't. The reason he asked that, because he was referring to a 2002 anti-sodomy law that Perry supported in Texas. I love it. Just snotty, brat-nosed kids. I just friggin I love it.

Just snotty, brat-nosed kids. I just friggin' love it. This particular question occurring in the background of Perry's moral opposition to anal sex was motivated

by the fact that if Perry has any moral boundaries that have not been carefully selected by a team of campaign managers to appeal to specific constituencies,

he has almost certainly had to violate those moral boundaries. Yeah, all fucking politicians violate moral boundaries for campaign contributions. Here we go. Another question asked the Republican governor. Again, this is on the campus of Dartmouth. I know I know you've been a very strong on all foreign policy issues, including Somali pirates. But what is your stance on butt pirates? You got to you got to you got to laugh, man.

Obviously, you know, the president of the Republican, the college Republicans on the campus, you know, they were obviously insulted by the whole thing. But so was the president of the college Democrats, Spencer Blair. She thought they were disrespectful to the governor she said i think it's really disappointing that anyone would undermine a serious political event with sexually explicit questions and neither i nor anyone from college democrats would ever condone such behavior we appreciate governor perry visiting campus as we encourage any sort of political engagement and discourse here at Dartmouth. Yeah, sure you do.

At least they didn't hit him in the face with a fucking, you know, with a pie. Remember Aunt Colta tried to speak at like Columbia and they charged the stage and just disrupted the whole show. And she's got hit in the face many times. many times. However, Packer, the guy, Ben Packer, who wrote the questions, thought the questions brought up legitimate concerns.

This is his excuse. He thought they were going to get lapsed. He thought it was going to be funny. He said, since the event organizers knew what we were doing before it happened, they sort of controlled the lens through which, he's trying

to rationalize why this shit backfired on him. They sort of controlled the lens through which the questions were viewed, said Packer. The questions, they're funny, right? I think they're funny. I do too, kind of, actually. I think a lot of people think that they're funny, but since the event had control over the framing of the questions nobody in the audience laughed they booed no it's because it's like really immature i don't know i would expect that at the humane where i went to school but um you know no they didn't they didn't find it that funny. He can't get over that.

I mean, I don't even understand what he's saying there. It's because the way they were framed. You ask the question to the guy directly. What the fuck are you talking about? But we get right to how this Ben Packer thinks. I don't think much of any politician. Rick Perry's been closing down abortion clinics in my home state and winning elections by playing off the socially reactionary fears

of the racist and sexually traditional poor and middle class. First of all, again, who are you to decide who's racist and who's not, you fucking arrogant jerk-off? While soliciting mass donations from the rich and crafting economic policy in their favor. Can't get over it, huh? Let me explain that to income inequality. It's always going to exist, okay,

in a free market system. Do you get that? Some people are going to soar higher than others. That's the beauty of this country. What are we supposed to all live in? Mediocrity? Ugh. Yeah, it's a rigged game. We know.

It's a fucking rigged game. Yay for Dartmouth. I wonder... I couldn't find audio of that. I want to see that somebody had to film that, right? You can't tell me a bunch of kids, college-age kids, nobody filmed that. Ah, what a country. But like I said, it's the beauty, the freedom to do that. But it's not going to help you, you know?

It's not going to help you. People aren't buying that shit. They're not buying it. Their businesses are bad and they don't create junk. Of course they do, stupid. You got to quit throwing around the racism and throwing around the race card and the sexism and the whole victim mentality.

It's identity politics, and people are sick of it. They are sick of it. And no, they didn't vote the GOP in because they want people to work together and get shit done. So what, they're going to cave in to Obama's demand? This is interesting, the whole amnesty thing coming up, immigration. He's going to use an executive order to go around the Congress.

And John Boehner, if you're playing with matches, and if you play with matches, you're going to get burned. He's right, though. you're going to get burned. He's right, though. He's going to give the Republicans a lot of ammunition if he does that. The grid work's going to get worse. He's going to do this executive order

that's going to make like 5 million illegals legal. I'll give him amnesty. And then the Republicans are going, okay, well, fuck you. We're going to take about Obamacare piece by piece. So nothing's going to get better. Obama's such a stubborn, you know, he's not going to fucking work with these guys.

He's playing with matches. I love Boehner. Seems like he's got a quart of scotch in him, doesn't he? I burned my ass in the training bed today. I stayed on until I passed out. You're going to get beat like a bird. Anyways, enough to politics. I'm just glad, you know, in 2016 to hope we take that one.

What the hell else How about Led Zeppelin Robert Plant they were gonna do a reunion What's his name Branson the guy that owns the airlines that zillionaire from the UK? It's gonna pay a Zeppelin 800 mil to get back together for like 25 dates London and where the hell else did he want him to perform? One of them was dates in Jersey too. Robert Plant fucking tore up

the contract right in front of the people who presented it to him. Can you imagine having that kind of dough? 800 mil. And Jimmy Page and Bonham's kid who plays drums and the other guy, they're all in. John Paul Jones or whoever, they're all in.

John Paul Jones or whoever. They're all in. And Robba Plant's like, fuck you, I'm not doing it. You know what? He probably got laid so much and did so many drugs and he's fucking tapped out. Why? I mean, it is work. You've got to travel. He's probably so comfortable.

But 800 mil, that gives you an idea. It reminded me of a joke I used to do. One of my first bits I ever wrote was, and it was a true story. Some razor company, Gillette, somebody offered ZZ Top six, like six or ten million bucks to shave their beards on a national TV commercial.

And they turned it down. I think my joke was, for six million bucks, I let some guy I let some guy with a nervous condition shave my ass with a bolo knife and I said give Catherine Hepburn three cups of black coffee and let her chase me with a wheatwack. Some stupid thing. That was like one of my first jokes ever. Really lit up my career as you can see as I talk into a mic and stare at a picture of my family

in my basement, and a mouse runs under my chair. So, imagine having that kind of dough. God bless that son of a bitch. I love Zeppelin. Don't you love the Zeppelin? Did I just say the Zeppelin? I really did. Somebody want to get Visiting Angels in here and put Nick to bed? I just said the Zeppelin. Holy Christ.

What am I, in my late hundreds? As Don Gavin would say. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, what did you wear? Communication breakdown I want you to picture that, right, being played. This actually happened to me. I come out to that song, the Montreal Comedy Festival, years ago. I'm hosting the Nasty Show for the first time.

800 people. They bring me out to that. Place is ruckus. The music stops. I pull the mic out of the stand. The cord falls out. Now there's dead silence. I come out like Joe Cool.

I'm playing like air guitar like a fucking ass i got like a suit on and you know and i'm getting this huge round of applause because i've done it many times the fucking chord i just grabbed i swear to god i was sabotaged somebody don't like me again that might be my paranoia but i really believe it because i just put my hand on it and the fucking cord falls out. You don't understand. 800 people go from cheering, from Zeppelin music to dead silence. Now I have to try to plug the cord back into the mic. And, you know, I'm farsighted.

I can't see near. I'm trying to plug the thing back in. And all the air just went out of the room. That big intro, all the Zeppelin music, all the cheering. Now there's 800 people biting their nails, hoping I can get the mic back. Ugh. And it just sucked the wind right out of the room. I had to start over.

How frigging embarrassing. It's like my favorite Zeppelin song, and now every time I hear it, it's ruined it for me. I go back to that. Ugh. It's ruined it for me. I go back to that. Oh, that was that. That's right up there. One of my most embarrassing moments. No doubt about it.

That was just frigging. Horrible. Um. Her. Went to the dentist today. Right before I came here. Back downstairs to do the show. I like my dentist.

I do a bit about his. He has a poster on the wall. Called life's little instructions. Not little. Little instructions. How to be a good person. Blah, blah, blah. There's a whole book of like, somebody wrote a whole book

on how to be a good person and enjoy your life. And I'm doing a bit on it, how corny and PC it is and shit. And I didn't even, I was in a different room today. It wasn't on this one. But I like this guy because I think he's a little younger than me, but he's jaded just like me. He comes in, he's like, Jesus Jesus Christ that's what I hear him say I go oh I go really that's what I want to hear as a patient I take it out on me and he just starts laughing and we just thought well

he's cleaning my teeth he's talking about how much he hates fucking people and how some lady came in because she didn't like the work he did on her husband's teeth after the guy approved it and said he loved it comes back in with his wife and she's trying to you got to change this and he goes yeah i'll do all that but i'm not going to do it for free and she starts yelling at him and shit oh it was just he had this look on his face that life was kicking him in the balls so we start with our rant i go hey i go that's what i do for a living i go on stage and i tell us you know i can tell these people how much i fucking hate him right to their face you gotta try it he had me cracking up though at the shit

he was going through he's and i like he's i've been going for a couple years and he's always professional but i love it as we get to know each other it's like hanging out with it now now he's like almost like a friend of mine he goes yeah I'll fix your fucking teeth but I'm not gonna fucking do it for free this fucking lady laughing my balls off we're cursing up a storm in there love him I don't want to mention his name I'll ruin his business but he does great work great work he Great work. He's telling me a lady comes in. On a Saturday, he had to come in emergency.

The lady tripped and busted up her mouth. He couldn't even touch her lip. Her upper lip was swollen like eight times the size of normal and friggin'. She's like, don't you have to do this now? He was doing her voice. I was freaking cracking up.

That's about it. Then I went over to get a slice of pizza at this place up near me, and there's a guy in there who is the consummate New York guy, again, in his 30s, overweight, bald, I'm guessing Italian, just saying,

just cursing up a storm behind the counter. And he's working with, I'm guessing it's either his younger sister or she's a cousin but definitely a family member and he's talking to some guy who's sitting there eating a slice i come in and he's like yeah so fucking ben stiller comes in and i'm not gonna suck his fucking ass you know so i fucking and and and and uh the girl's looking at me, rolling her eyes, and then going, shh, don't talk like that to him. And he goes, the guy looks at me and goes, he's a fucking grown man. He's heard all this shit.

So I'm not going to suck Ben Stiller's fucking ass. I just took his fucking money, handed him the couple fucking slices or whatever. And then these people go following him out and they're fucking, hey, Ben, I want you fucking a guy. Because if I was famous, I couldn't fucking, he was saying fuck more than I said in the whole weekend at the Stress Factory.

By the way, the best slice up here, a little pricey, $4.25, but the margarita pizza, mother of, I'd give this guy a handjob for just to bite the crust for free. But this guy just said, fucking being so inappropriate. And I've seen him do it with,

I saw a lady in there with kids, not today, but I saw a lady and their kids like six months ago and they were trying to eat and he's fucking talking to the other guy. And let's be honest, all civility is pretty much tapped out of our society.

And I add to it, I think, with my incivility. But I crack that, you know. She's looking at me all embarrassed and I go, I agree. I go to the guy, I go, Ben Stiller will come back here because you didn't bug him for an autograph and shit. He goes, exactly.

Ah, yeah. I go in there just to hear this guy. Delicious pizza, by the way. Again, I can't mention the business, but you might be offended by that stuff. Anyways, kids, I'm about to wrap it up here. What else? Oh, God oh god watched a great you know those 30 30s they do on ESPN those one hour specials like a football life Earl Campbell Earl Campbell's my favorite football player of all time maybe my favorite athlete of all time um for you guys football fans you know who i'm talking about some of yous that are younger than me maybe didn't get to see him play so just

just google earl campbell running over people i i think you know even jim brown himself said jim brown said i'm the best running back and and Earl Campbell second. Everybody else doesn't even matter. That's pretty high praise. That's what this, yeah, it's called Earl Campbell, My Football Life, the 30-30 thing. You've seen him before. I guess this aired probably months ago, but he's my favorite football player of all time

and maybe my favorite athlete because, you know, like a lot of these guys grew up dirt poor, and they showed his house that he grew up in texas like a tin shack and it used to you know leak when it rained they could see they tell their tell their parents they could see the big dipper at night through their bedroom and you know and just but just a humble guy and just just this humble guy who he just had this cool vibe about him. They showed him walking around on campus.

Great footage of him, like, walking around. He played for Texas University. Walking around on the campus, and just a humble, there's something so cool about Earl Campbell. I just friggin' love this guy. Never did any dances and shit, and used to run over people. And I brought it up on one of the, maybe last episode, and jack hayden running heading on head on into each other um and show how tough real campbell was but the other thing about him was he had world-class sprinter speed

he could run you over or go around the corner and leave leave you know like safeties and cornerbacks in the dust. In the friggin' dust. And when he had to, he'd run over you. He'd throw like a forearm. Like, you know, he'd throw a forearm up under the defensive back's chin and pick the guy up off the ground. They must have showed eight clips of him doing that. And I'm sitting there tearing up.

I don't know if I was having my period or it's just because I'm old. My eyes were welling up because, again, I was 16 when he was my favorite ball player. And the thing opens with him barely, you know, he's got like a cane and he's like shaking. And he's like in a gym or whatever. And he's trying to stand up out of a wheelchair. And it just, my eyes are welling up, you know. But he's just this humble guy and then he got hooked on on you know he had so much pain in his back he had he had like five back back surgeries and they you know they put like six screws in his back and and the screws are

actually touching nerves in his spine can you imagine the pain he was So he's trying to kill the pain with booze and pills, like anybody would, and he'd get hooked on them. And then his kids, you know, had an intervention for him, and his kids seemed like cool, cool cats. And then they show him, you know, trying to walk out to the field a few years ago during a university, Texas, you know, the coin toss at the beginning and shit.

And he tries singing in this, he has a guitar and he can't sing for shit, you know, the coin toss at the beginning and shit. And he tries singing in this. He has a guitar and he can't sing for shit, you know. But just you got to watch it if you're an Earl Campbell fan. You've probably seen it. But my favorite football player ever. Just the speed. And personally, I think he's better than Jim Brown. But, you know, Jim Brown was running over people

and everybody who ever played against him, that's a lie. Today I would tell you Jim Brown was the best, but I don't think he had the speed Earl Campbell did. But either way, Earl Campbell was the Jim Brown of my generation. But it's just brutal to see what football can do to you, you know. But in the end, he says, don't feel bad for me, you know. And he seems happy now. They did an intervention for him.

It saved his life. But just a humble guy. And the funniest part, he's describing his dad. He lost his dad when he was like five. I think his dad had a heart attack on nine. But he described his, he says his father's a really small guy. He goes, I didn't see this show much, but they put up a picture of George Jefferson.

That's who his old man looked like and acted like, apparently. But if you get to, yeah, if you get to see that, it's the 30-30 series on ESPN. Earl Campbell. And quickly, sports-wise, I have eight going into tonight. If I get tonight right, that's nine. And the top guy had 11, so...

And you know who the top... Oh, my brother's got 10. My brother and my mother are in second going into tonight's game. I think the guy has one more win than them. I've pulled out of last place, folks. I went from 78th. I've pulled out of last place, folks. I went from 78th.

I'm now like 75th. How embarrassing is that? But what happened NFL-wise? Oh, the frigging Jets. The first pick I made. This was last Wednesday. I go, the Jets are due. Pittsburgh's one of those teams. They only play as good as the competition. So I picked the Jets.

I have them picked for two days, and then I watch the pregame shows on Sunday, which I never do. Just happen to watch them this Sunday, and everybody on every desk seemed like they liked the Steelers, and I read the paper. Everybody in the paper, there was like two guys that picked the Jets out of 12. So I changed

my pick to the Steelers. Ten minutes into the game, the Jets out of 12. So I changed my pick to the Steelers. Ten minutes into the game, the Jets are, you know, beating on them, of course. How about last night? This is, again, the NFL. This is the mediarchy I'm talking about. I mean, last night, the Chicago Bears. Can you explain that to me? Not even showing up against the Packers.

45-0 at halftime. I mean... And I know people on Twitter, oh, these blowouts don't... I didn't say blowouts didn't happen in college, but when blowouts happen in college, it's because one team is way better than the other team. That's not the case in the NFL.

In the NFL, sometimes they just don't feel like playing that day, and you can see it, you know? Like the Chargers getting beat last week, 37-0. Remember, they didn't even show up against, I don't even remember who it was.

But sometimes they just show up and you can tell they just don't want to play. Usually, you know, when Nebraska beats somebody 66-0, it's because they're way bigger school with way more talent.

It doesn't have to do with effort. But those games are great, too. You see Texas A&M unranked. They go to Auburn, which is one of the toughest places to play, regardless of Auburn's record. And they beat Auburn, who was number three in the nation. Texas A&M was unranked. So, and then BC watched them get their asses handed to them by Louisville.

And anyways, Oregon jumped over somebody. I think Alabama. So they're doing the playoff things this year, folks, for the first time, the top four teams. So I don't know. Good luck trying to pick that. Holy moly. That is it.

Good to talk to you again. Hope you come out to see me this weekend at the Brokerage in Belmore. One show Friday night, two Saturday. One of my favorite clubs, the home of, you know, of James Get the Bleach. James Get the fucking Bleach. I don't even know his last name. One of my favorite guys in the business. Yeah, so this Friday and Saturday, the brokerage in Belmont, Long Island.

Next Saturday night, the 22nd of November, Uncle Vinny's Point Pleasant. I know Colin Quinn was just there working on stuff. It's a good room to play around. And then I'm doing something in Pompton Plains, New Jersey on the 29th of November. The comedy shop at the Regency House Hotel. Hey, you got to fill the calendar, don't you? I do. Alright, kids. You know how I feel. This guy

will tell you. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy you have done it by just being yourself. Jess, do I have...

Perhaps, after all, that is what love means. Goddamn right, Libby. And that is why I love you. Goodbye, everybody! everybody guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm