The Nick DiPaolo Show - 059 - Rape!, Kava, My Doctor

Episode Date: December 9, 2014

Rape!, Kava, My Doctor

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Let's get it on! Yeah! Did that blow your ears out? Hi kids. What's happening? Monday. Let's get the business out of the way don't forget about uh you know my new special another census killing you can go to nickdip.com right now and uh pre-order

you can order my special now it'll be available for online streaming and mp4 downloads on january 2nd as an extra bonus you also get individual mp3 tracks of the entire special but that's only if you pre-order before january 2nd all of this is just five bucks and you have the option to pay more if you'd like as you know i have a bad case of um dry scalp and those treatments aren't cheap. So when you order it, you immediately get a confirmation email on January 2nd. You'll receive a link with your download code. You can also send this as a gift, kids. A Christmas gift. Just click on the gift button at nickdip.com.

And on Christmas morning, they will receive an email, the people that you sent the gift to, telling them that you bought it for them. And then they can download or stream it on January 2nd. That's Another Sense Was Killing. Very funny killer album I did in Minneapolis at Acme. And yeah, I'll be heading out. I'm going to go out to California first week of January and get on the Joe Rogan podcast and Carolla and a few others. Be plugging it out there.

I. I. What's up? What's first on the agenda? I don't know. It's, you know, look, the last show. Yeah, we talked about, you know, Ferguson and the verdict. And since then, the verdict came down in Staten Island. And you all know how I feel.

I think I said it before, and I'll say it with Eric Garner, both these guys. And I don't want to get too heavy on this shit again, you but uh you know if you comply with the cops both those guys would be alive today not much more complicated than that i know you'd like to make it a racial thing but even eric garner's wife uh said it wasn't racial okay so that throws the protesters in a loop and uh yeah you just you're running on false narrative, and it's just sickening. It really is, as far as mostly the Ferguson thing. The cops, you know, the Staten Island thing, I can see how, you know, with the video and stuff,

and, you know, I see that being more problematic or whatever. But again, the notion that white cops are out somehow trying to kill young black guys intentionally is just a bunch of baloney. And you protesters look like dicks when you're out there spreading that myth and fucking up traffic so I can't get to work and fucking up traffic this morning so people can't get to their morning and trying to fuck up the christmas uh creed lighting or the thanksgiving day parade you just have too much time on your hands and you look like you're enjoying it actually i don't think you have anything else to do with your fucking lives because you're probably very unpopular in your personal lives usually people who take up causes and make it their lives, you know, unless it's a legitimate one. Anyways, yeah, so what the hell? Now you get, well, let's talk about my weekend.

I went to a party a Friday night, went to a Christmas party with my wife, with the people, you know, where she, we keep the horse at this barn up in this beautiful, beautiful town in Westchester. And it was pretty interesting. There was some cool people there, all very nice people, great frigging food. Actually met this young guy he was a keyboard player for lady gaga um yeah he invented like a circular 360 degree keyboard but you could tell he looked famous his face looked familiar he's this tall guy with glasses and a young kid black black hair and you know i could tell he was a musician or a magician.

I couldn't actually. But, and then we figured it out, me and the wife later on. Yeah, there was some, it was pretty cool. But there was, the reason I'm talking about this is they were serving this drink in in this it was in this round i don't know how to describe about the size of a trash can cover it looked like a wooden bowl you know um not too deep only a few inches deep with a couple of plastic they look like picture two coconut shells, you know, in the drink. And it looked just like a mud puddle. The liquid was a light, you know.

You pull into a wet dirt parking lot and you see that, you know. It looked like a mud puddle. And I see people drinking it. And I see the guy who had the party, his wife. Every time somebody drank it, she was start chanting something. And I'm like, what the hell's going on over here? And they explained it to me. It's called kava.

It's a drink that's popular in the, well, she found it in Fiji, I guess. But, yeah, it's a crop in the Western Pacificific um from tongan um they have it in hawaii all over the place it's consumed throughout the pacific ocean cultures of polynesia including hawaii melanesia some parts of micronesia anyways uh it's kava is sedating and is primarily consumed to relax without disrupting mental clarity. Its active ingredients are called cavalectones. And yeah, some doctors say that it's more effective than a placebo in treating short-term social anxiety. I drank it, you know, after being, it just looks horrendous, and it doesn't taste much better.

It didn't taste as bad as I thought. Just picture, I don't know, a homeless guy's socks being rinsed in the sink, and then you drink the water. Like that. Something like that. But the minute I drank it, I could feel on my gums and my tongue a little bit of numbness like when you used to do cocaine for you uh folks out there who like your fucking yayo

I get this kind of a numbing of my gums a little bit in the back of my throat you know I sounded like the guy in the shampoo commercial it's tingling it's working and then I felt a nice a cut to the chase long story short i slept like a baby that night okay and you guys have documented my sleep problems um you know on this podcast many times but i slept a solid eight friggin hours and felt good the next day but here's the uh here's the problem i don't know if it was the kava that i had a couple coconuts full or if it was the you know i had three glasses of wine and a white russian so was it that or the the mac and cheese the uh you know whatever else i had but i slept like a baby but but i so i when I drank the stuff, I'm like, yeah, I think I feel nice, relaxing.

But again, then I'm like, I worked out that day for the first time in about three weeks. And maybe that's why. A combination. But I want to try it again. And I know there's products out there that have it, this kava. But some, you know, I guess you got to be careful. People taking certain kava-based drugs know i guess you gotta be careful um people taking certain kava based drugs and dietary products have suffered liver damage or liver failure at this point with my

friggin sleep problems i look forward to liver failure that'll be one deep sleep right there but don't know i slept like a baby and uh so i say try to find it kava it's uh it's out there So I say try to find it, kaba. It's out there. The most potent strain is called ISA, I-S-A. It's in Papau, New Guinea. They also serve it, it's also called two-day in Hawaii. They call it two-day because it is said to have effects lasting two days due to its chemical profile being high in the cavolactone dihydromone festin plant.

Anyways. So I want to get a hold of this woman and get the recipe. so i gotta i want to get a hold of this woman and get the get the recipe and uh this might might be my cure-all for my sleep i want to do it like i said when i don't i don't have booze or six pounds of mac and cheese in me when do i look like a fat buck um speaking of that we'll stay on the health uh the health part of the show went to went to my uh primary care physician who i like i don't know if i should mention his name probably not cases like this even though i'm very complimentary um yeah because uh you know i had knocked my cholesterol down you know know, six months ago or whatever.

And then I had some more blood work done because of the Lyme disease. And I forgot that I had an appointment for blood work. This was a few months ago. So I was on the road and I was eating like a comic does when he's on a road. Because, you know, those healthy comedy club menus they give you, you know. Try the Daryl Hammond chicken fingers and the frigging, you know, the Michael Che cheeseburger and the anybody who's doing better than you in the business thing. They name sandwiches after. And yeah, and I was eating half bags of giant, you know, white cheddar popcorn while I was laying around my house.

And it dawned on me like a week before I had the appointment about the cholesterol test. And I'm like, oh, Jesus. it dawned on me like a week before I had the appointment about the cholesterol test. And I'm like, oh, Jesus. So, you know, as I expected, I came in a little high. Little high. I think it's a big scam to sell pills. I think I mentioned this earlier, to sell these statins.

So that was the discussion. And I met with my doctor and uh i actually uh i have some audio i recorded it didn't it didn't go very well with my doc we started to argue about you know certain things food and stuff and you're like why would you record them well i don't trust anybody so this is this is uh me my doctor talking about my health, I think. Hopefully. What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the fucking carload.

Yeah, that's how it started. Did you hear me hit him with a bedpan? I got him flush on the cheek. And then we discussed my uh and i told him it's my sleeping habits horrendous we got into that whole discussion and i told him how i got shingles for the first time an actual outbreak and uh and uh he really he broke my heart when i was told him i'm'm like, for Christ's sake, I drink kale, raw kale smoothies, you know? And I do it like three times a week. I put, you know, one of those Nutribullets, throw it in with some fruit and water or whatever.

And just, that's supposed to be like the cure-all. It is the life form. The most healthy thing you can put in your body is that green shit, I was and he just laughed at me he goes it's all bullshit oh my god i'm like what the fuck are you talking about i'm drinking this this stuff that makes me spray spray paint the bowl an hour after i drink it you tell me it's bad for me not bad for me but you know he goes that's a it's a lot of kind of hype and i said look it's not i'm not drinking smoothies you know next to the yarn barn at the mall with 80 pounds of sugar and ice cream and the fucking things i'm throwing you know weeds that my neighbor throws in my yard into a goddamn neutral bullet putting grass clippings in there

i'm eating like a friggin squirrel or a raccoon you're gonna tell me that's bad well a raccoon eats garbage huh squirrel um yeah so he's like ah it's a bunch of baloney which it's obviously it's not i don't care what he says putting raw vegetables any kind of vegetables or fruit in you obviously i think we know that's good for you but it just surprised the shit out of me. I really wanted to. And then we get into the sleep, the whole sleep thing. So we had a whole discussion on that. Here's how that went.

Because he said, you know, he asked me about me being depressed, which I think I am. Have you ever been in your car and you just start, like, tearing up for no reason? hearing up for no reason. Well, I say no reason as I'm leaving the comedy cellar for the 159th night in a row after 30 years. Maybe that's a reason to cry on the way home. But yeah,

I get all fucking emotional for no reason. Just like, well, whatever. Here's the whole discussion on that. It's like just the fucking regularness of life is too fucking hard for me or something.

I don't know That's what I said to him, you know and his more that conversation Why take fucking Prozac not this skinny-ginny Yeah, he keeps going yeah, you know depression of sleep, and I have all the clinical signs. So what? But here's what else I said. Cancer. Something fucking horrible is going on inside my body.

There's a physical change or something. Does this word cancer pop into your mind a lot? A little bit? What? Huh? Well, I'm just... I know he sounds a lot like Gandolfini, my doctor, but honestly, it's not. Thinking maybe you're depressed.

Me? I'm no fucking mental midget. That's what I said, though. Yeah. You know me folks it's my favorite show ever i can work that shit into any aspect of my life that's why it was so shakespearean absolutely love it but uh yeah so anyways but here's the uh He gave me an ultimatum. You know, I'm an occasional smoker, okay, of cigarettes. Let me clarify in this day and age of alternative lifestyles. You know, I like to have, and I've been doing it for years. And I started on stage like an ass.

I've told you this before. Back in the early 90s at Catch a Rising Star. Got a huge laugh for the cigarette I brought on stage, and that's how desperate I was back then. I hung on to it, risked cancer so I could get laughs. And then I felt comfortable. I felt naked without one on stage. But I'm never a pack a day or even a half a pack.

I think I bought maybe three packs in my life, so I'm not a real smoker. I'm a social smoker. But even that that he said to me even that he gave me a choice he goes i can put you on statins and i've been on that shit before and i've read stuff about it and i don't like how it makes you feel sometimes i don't know i thought i had a dull ache in my liver maybe i was imagining it but i've read so much shit on how it's just you know drug companies selling selling pills and what used to be considered normal cholesterol is considered high now and whatever.

And I asked the doctor's assistant, not this guy, some woman I went to here in Westchester like 10 years ago. I said to, it's actually eight years ago, seven years ago. I said to her assistant when she left her, her i go does she get a cut every time she say write a prescription for this crest orange shit and the dog said yeah she does and she rolled her eyes too i'm not gonna imagine who that was but uh you know kind of confirming my suspicions so what he said to me was look as far as far as he acts, he goes, do you still have a couple of cigarettes? I go, yeah, like four a week, five maybe. And even so, he said, look, and he keeps pulling out this stupid calculator. And if I smoke and continue to have high cholesterol, quote unquote, my risk for cardiovascular disease is 11 percent.

If I take out the cigarettes, it goes down to under 5%. And there really is no good argument for smoking. Let's be frigging honest. I said, I know. I go, you're right. But I said, I'm a high-strung prick, and a cigarette sometimes. I've also had another doctor. I'm not going to say who this was.

Well, he was a dentist who also said the steam that it's relieving, the release I get from it is probably more beneficial than actually hurting me. That's all I needed to hear. But the point is there's no reason to smoke. I know that. And I don't want to go on a frigging statins. So I said, that's it. You know, I'm not going to do it.

And I haven't had one since the appointment on December 3rd, I think. What's that, three minutes ago? Big whoop, Nick. I agree. Excuse me, mother of God. That one came up. It was a hot dog I had at Madison Square Garden 18 months ago. So, yeah.

That was the whole discussion. As far as my health goes. But come on. I'm like, come on. Don't give me a frigging break. I'm 52. I look better than 98% of the people that are 52. And then he showed me a picture of Tony Randall with no shirt on at 52.

And I said, I have to admit, I look like shit. What else? at 52 and i was i said i have to admit i look like shit what else what else in the uh world um yeah so that party was fun it was up uh right up right up where the stables are and shit got to see my horse i hadn't seen in about a month thank god for the wife but it's her horse i bought it for her i told you they were a pain in the ass the horse you know i i you know i talked about the the ligament injury and and so they put a wrap on her leg and now she she kicks the wrap off with the other leg my wife put a camera my wife will tell you i would never try cheating on this broad ever she puts a camera up one of those deer cameras that you put on your property see See the deer eating your flowers, and then you catch a gardener stealing your hubcaps. She put one of those because the horse, every time she'd come in the morning, the wrap would be off or whatever they put on her leg, and she had all these cuts on her legs.

So she put a deer camera in the horse's stall. And so she put a deer camera in the horse's stall. And all she found out from that footage was the horse was like sharing hay with another horse, a male horse next to it. They were almost like kissing, which is what they were doing when we went into the barn Friday night. Anyways, the legs get scabs all over and shit, but it's getting better or whatever. I don't know where the wife gets the patience for this shit.

I'm telling you. I'm thinking about calling Corky Iannuzzo, the guy who did the, he did the electric work for the stables, for Pio Mai's stable on the surprise.

We've been through that anyways. Pain in the balls. Let's vent through that anyways. Bain and the balls. Let's talk about Rolling Stone magazine, huh? Who would have guessed that they'd publicize an article about rape on a college campus at a fraternity that really has no merit? But they went with a story anyways, and I guess we're supposed to be surprised that a magazine that put one of the Boston terrorist bombers on the cover made him look like Jim Morrison when he was 18. I guess that surprises us all. Fucking douchebag. They should sue this.

You guys all know what I'm talking about. They published an article a few weeks ago about a woman, supposedly University of Virginia, who asked to go into a fraternity with some guy. And he leads her upstairs some room where it's all dark. And somebody sucker punched her and threw her through a glass coffee table. And then she was allegedly raped by seven guys from the fraternity. Another attack. Of course, they didn't check out any of the facts. You know, little things.

Little things like they didn't try to get a hold of any of the guys who were accused. You know, that would be hard to do, seeing they were in a fraternity. And just a total fucking horseshit lie that you can only find in 2014. Because the radical left will fucking do anything to further the shitty agenda whether it be lying about cops or lying about white heterosexual males right yeah you all remember uh duke lacrosse that whole story it's just fucking evil on another level that uh you know ah the magazine seemed to have struck again last month with a vivid account of a young woman who said she was gang raped at the university of virginia fraternity party a story that helped drive the national debate over the problem of sexual assault on college campuses again that

does happen and it does happen too often but not to the extent that they say it does. See, I'm a little skeptical of all this feminist horseshit after, was it like five years ago, or maybe even longer than that, the NOW organization, or the National Organization for Women. Remember the little rumor they started that women were more vulnerable and housewives get beat up more on Super Bowl Sunday and then they had to retract that when there was no truth to it. They even had to apologize. Yeah, ever since then,

I'm really fucking skeptical of the, I call it war on men, actually. You know, and you say war on men, that's a little bit of an exaggeration. Well, between the child custody laws, anytime a husband goes to court to get custody of his kids, those laws. And you can ask any female lawyer this, like my friend, Johnna Spielberg. She's a great lawyer. And she even said, yeah, the custody laws are slanted towards the mother, obviously.

slanted towards the mother obviously and then you know then you get uh schools drugging up little young boys with riddling because they're you know they keep uh you know they're just they're just being little boys but we call it add now so they get half of you know we shouldn't say half but a lot of young boys being drugged up with riddling just for being little boys and shit like title nine that cuts out men's sports programs you know again out of fairness so the girls volleyball team can be represented at the university of vermont but not the fucking wrestling team that type of shit that in expanding the definition of sexual assault if you look at a girl the wrong way she'll file whatever i'm not saying it's not a problem but again they take it and run with it but rolling stone they should this these guys are this fraternity ought to just sue this how the

fuck's it still in business then they apologized this weekend right for the story but even the apology uh backfired the woman supposedly the victim's name they use as jackie in the story and um supposedly one of the attackers was was like a um he was a lifeguard at a pool i guess on the campus or somewhere. They checked that out. There was no lifeguard. Nobody in the fraternity who was a lifeguard. Just total horseshit. But the apology was even kind of skanky-like by Rolling Stone. The note to read is initially said that Rolling Stone's trust in Jackie was misplaced. They're actually blaming her, blaming the victim.

Fucking scumbags. This weekend, as it faced further criticism for that characterization, it quietly changed the note to say that it was mistaken in honoring Jackie's request to not contact the alleged assaulters to get their accounts. Still sounds like they're blaming her. But then they, you know, they said, this mistake's on us, Rolling Stone, not Jackie.

But it's still, you know, they still can't admit to it. Of course, the guy who filed the Rolling Stone, Jan Wenner, that's a fella, by the way, he declined to be interviewed about this or offer any comment. Just a left-wing piece of shit rag.

Wouldn't wipe my dog's ass with it. And yeah, for those of you who don't like my politics, don't fucking listen. Some kid tweeted, and uh yeah for those of you who don't like my politics don't fucking listen some kid uh tweeted uh been a fan of the podcast but can't take the can't take the uh politics anymore moving on to which i you know replied yeah well that's it's not that you don't like politics you don't like my politics which you know and and that's said, well, why'd you let me know you're moving on? Why didn't you just fucking move on? Hashtag intolerant chooch. Anyways, you guys all know the story. The whole thing seems like it was made up or there's no, there's no, they just took it and ran without, you know, clearing any of the facts. And what's it do? It undermines women who are legitimately assaulted on campuses,

which happens a lot. But who's going to believe them when you keep doing shit like this? Sabrina Rubin Erdely, contributing editor who did this story. contributing editor who did this story. She repeatedly asked Miss Ederle that those she accused of raping her,

I'm talking about Jackie, not be contacted. When the magazine brought up this issue again later, she threatened to withdraw the story. The details of a heartbreaking conversation recounted in the story, in which Jackie tells her friends of her rape and is told by her friends she should stay quiet, also came only from Jackie. One of the friends declined to comment, and Ms. Eardley could not reach the others.

Sure she couldn't. I'm sure she made a real fucking effort. Guarantee you she looks like a fullback from Ohio State. Oh, you evil motherless fucks. Anyways, that's all I have on that. Just, you know. I loved it when Louis C.K. was on the cover of Rolling Stone last year, remember? And it was right after the Boston, I think it was the issue right after they put the Boston bomber on there, one of them.

And bugging Louis just shit all over the magazine. I loved it. But isn't that so typical after a fraternity? Because that cuts right to it, right? You don't get much more white and, you know, white European history, right? The whole Greek system. And how many times do you hear that in movies? He's a typical white frat boy.

They don't even say white. They just say typical frat boy. And, you know, that's code for white. Just evil fucks, honest to God. The whole Duke Lacrosse thing, those guys' lives are a mess still. Anything, though, anything to further that agenda, right? That anti-white male devil. The white male is the devil.

Yeah, Rolling Stone magazine. I hope they get sued. I really don't. I will never leave. You want me to stay. Nothing you can do. Let me turn to you. Remember this one? I think Three Dog Night covered it. Another band.

I don't know who the original one was. I think it was a cover. Maybe it was theirs. Yeah. So take my soul That's what you said And I don't believe it all I wanna be with you As long as you want me To put the food away Why is he playing this song?

I don't understand Ain't that what you said Ain't that what you said Ain't that what you said Liar Liar Liar That was a liar.

Yeah. We have seen no day We have seen no day If I ever leave Won't you want me to stay? Anyways. What else did I want to talk about? I won't let you go.

Ain't that what you say? Crazy world. Oh, eSports. Ain't that what you say? Rape. Liar. Liar. Liar.

Liar. Headlines. Colleges embrace eSports with teams and scholarships. This one, at first, I'm like, you know, as a former jock, I'm like, oh, God, really? It really is Revenge of the Nerds. But then it's like, well, it's the free market, man. What it is is kids playing video games and other people watch, you know. I mean, I don't mean like a handful of their friends watching.

Now we're getting into thousands and people are coming, you know. don't mean like a handful of their friends watching. Now we're getting in the thousands and people are coming. You know, it's becoming like a sporting event, which, hey, this is the United States. You know, it's a capitalist system. It's a free market. If somebody can make a buck. But are you shitting me? What does that say where we're at? You know, it's one thing to be good at

playing video games, but you're watching other people play? You've got to be shitting me. What'd you do? Lose your fucking genitals in a fire? How the? What? Got dip? Did I get little buddy dip?

College embraces eSports. Unbelievable. Video game college embraces esports unbelievable video game competitions also known as esports have taken off on campuses across the country including harvard and florida state university more than 10 000 students now play in the biggest college league 4 400 more400 more than last year, and 4,600 more than the number of men who played Division I college hoops. I'm sorry, though. Who would you rather watch, Kentucky and Louisville

or Ding Kao Kao versus, you know, Kevin Butler? Winning a big tournament can sometimes earn players several years' worth of tuition money and a possible... Let me just say this i don't i respect the people the kids are actually playing the games a little bit i mean because they've mastered

something but you dickheads will sit there watching or pay to watch you just fucking you might as well have no limbs you shitting me can yeah you can earn uh several years worth of tuition money um the department at the athletic department at robert morris university that's in chicago of course anything good ever come out of chicago other than tony esposito um google it yes the robert morris university created an official Google it. Yes, the Robert Morris University created an official video game team this fall, offering the same sort of scholarships given to athletes playing soccer, football, and ice hockey. Oh, my God.

Are we frigging finished? While the ecology sports craze started as a grassroots effort, game makers have quickly swooped in. Of course they have. Like vultures on a dead fucking carcass on Route 126. The companies now underwrite scholarship prizes, offer team banners, and provide organizational support. Colleges, meanwhile, are often standing at arm's length,

while esports groups are often standing at arm's length. While e-sports groups are often sanctioned clubs receiving practice spaces from their schools, the leagues and the competitions have few of the student regulations governing traditional college sports like grade point minimums or time limits on practicing. Well, of course, you don't need a grade point minimum. Most of these dorks that play this shit, the reason they're so good at it, they have enough free time because they're smart. They get A's without studying. They have free time.

Oh, my God. The NCAA, they have no comment on esports. But I guarantee you, if they can get on the loot they'll get in on the loot and like i said if there's a market for it who who are we to poo poo it i'm just saying though to to admit you watch two i can't even name a game that's how little i fucking know about these games but uh you know halo watch two people play Halo, whatever the fuck. But how about the fact that, you know, they practice and stuff? You know, and it's just here's the other concern. In addition, formal recognition could diminish the autonomy that companies and teams have on campuses, bringing about rules like Title IX, the gender equity law.

I already brought that up earlier, you know, Title IX. Can you imagine that that could come into play? These are their concerns. For game developers, however, the law of being on campus is simple. We think that's where a lot of our players are, said Michael Morhaime, the chief executive and co-founder of blizzard entertainment which develops and publishes entertainment software in september blizzard that's his company flew eight finalists from the college of staten island university of massachusetts amherst and other colleges to seattle to compete for five

grand in scholarship money in a tournament of the hearthstone a virtual card game from the company last year azubu the games media company sponsored a competition that awarded 40 grand in prize money to six students on a starcraft 2 team from university of california at berkeley it's huge man it's huge oh man. It's huge. Oh, it's just, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's a form of junk. I like how the article,

oh, here we go. A team of five students from the University of Washington won. This is a tournament. Yeah, last February, Riot Games hosted its first north american collegiate championship something like the final four for leagues of legends riots popular online battle game a team of five students from the university of washington won in front of a roaring audience at an esports

studio that uh riot operates in Manhattan Beach, California. Get this one. This is what blew me away. With 169,000 more people watching online at the tournament's peak. You 169,000, just put a gun in your mouth. Hmm. The prize was $7,500 in scholarship money for each team member.

Oh, we've finished as a nation. I got to believe, though, if you're getting good at this and practicing, you're really not looking at your physics and your math. That's probably why we're 115th out of 12 countries as far as important stuff like math and reading. But it is an international thing, I guess. but it is an international thing, I guess. The college scene is largely organized around the Collegiate Star League, which started at Princeton in 2009.

The organization is now active at 450 schools, up from 260 last year. Holy moly. And corporations like Coke and Ford and Google are all getting into the scholarships for this. Wow. Here's a good line for you. Today's most professional players skip or delay college because the college AGs are considered the prime period for players in the big leagues.

Playing at the professional level requires far too much time for practice and travel to tournaments to allow them to also attend school. We're putting school aside so they can play video games. We're fucked. I don't know, man. Quinn, Colin and Quinn used to do a great bit about how people come home now. Instead of doing hobbies, we watch people on TV do shit that we used to do, like play poker. You know, instead of playing poker, you watch people play poker.

Instead of fixing your, you know, fixing your, remodeling your kitchen, you watch people remodel a kitchen. Fixing your, you know, remodeling your kitchen. You watch people remodel a kitchen. It's really a sign of a country in decay. We're too affluent. I think the only solution is kava. We all start drinking kava. I want to have a kava party.

I want to have a kava party where I, you know like the jonestown massacre like my uh in college what's the guy that runs your dorm the da whatever jim hussey had he had a jonestown party for us jonestown massacre party mom jonestown that's when that cult met in Guyana somewhere, and James Jones made them all drink this poison Kool-Aid, and they found hundreds and hundreds of people dead. Well, we have one of those with kamikazes my freshman year in college in the basement of Gannon Hall, and there's my RA up there with a ladle. We're coming up with Dixie Cups, and he's giving us ice cold kamikaze drinks. And I was new to the kamikaze, you know, but they taste like lemonade or whatever. It was delicious, but it was ice cold. So, of course, we're drinking them out of Dixie Cups, but I

probably had 11 of them in about 25 minutes. And next thing you you know i'm throwing up under a stairwell and uh i remember waking up and somebody said i get in a wrestling match with this kid roger on my floor and there's a pile of his hair in front of my door and another kid was found between two park cars could have drowned in a puddle luckily he was on his back but i want to do that with Kava. So you're all invited. Can't tell you where it's going to be or when. I love a Jonestown Kava type massacre party. I'm dying to try that shit again. I really am. Yeah, so eSports. Get good at it. I don't. I wouldn't.

I'm telling you. I just... I wouldn't even know how to plug in an Xbox or any of that shit. I'm proud to say. I wish I could say, well, I don't play video games. I read. I don't do either. Now you can read about video games.

And watch people play video games. Imagine they're getting scholarships. This is tremendous. And the article about that starts, I love how it starts. This kid, Loc Tran, L-O-C-T-R-A-N, he's a big man on campus at San Jose University in Northern California.

A lot of people stop me when I'm walking, said Mr. Tran, a 19-year-old sophomore. And he speaks in a confident verse. They congratulate me. But he's not a star on the football team or a leader in student government. He's a top player on the school's competitive video game team. This is who's going to be getting the pussy? Guys like a Locke

Tran? I don't know. I still say the linebacker or the quarterback. You know what I mean? Maybe a girl turned on by a video game. Well, it's all about the dog being successful, right? Oh, they beat San Jose State. He helped them beat back in June, California State University, Fullerton.

Damn it, I remember that. I had Fullerton plus three and a half. Cost me two dimes. But how about this? 90,000 people watched that match. watched that match. And classmates' heads swiveled toward him

when professors said his name during a roll call. That happened to me once after the UMass game. My biggest day up at UMaine.

I was in a class of about 140 people and we had taken a test the previous Friday and it was Monday. So I had a nice I was kind a class of about 140 people, and we had taken a test the previous Friday, and it was Monday. So I was kind of BMOC for about 24 hours, and my teacher was a sports fan, and he goes, why don't we have Mr. DiPaolo, and he comes over to me and hands me a stack, hand out the test results. And three girls from Lewiston they were five foot four about 380 pounds all gave me the eyes because that's what we got up in Maine

not a lot of ass up there. But I know that feeling. The other classmates' heads whip around, look at you. That lasted a long time, didn't it? Really took that degree and ran with it, huh? Telling jokes in front of fucking bachelor parties. What the hell else kids smoking ebola uh football pool how about it for my best week ever not that it matters at least i'm not down at at the bottom. I'm now playing for respectability, kind of blended in the middle. My brother is too off the pace for the whole year to win the whole thing.

That's pretty goddamn impressive. I told him if he was really gambling, he'd be in the money. But how about this? Very interesting. I have 12 right out of 15 going into tonight's game. Me and three other guys. But somebody already sewed it up. Somebody already won with a grand total of 14,

which means they only had one wrong. Okay? They only had one wrong on Sunday. And it's keeping me from winning the goddamn thing. If I'm right tonight, I'd have 13 out of 15 or 16, whatever they, okay? Which is usually a shoe-in for a win. But no, somebody had to have 14 yesterday. Somebody only missed one.

And you know who that person is? My goddamn brother! My brother. Yeah. Yeah. One wrong. 14 out of 15 yesterday. That's unbelievable.

I mean, you get 13 right, 9 out of 10 weeks, you're going to win the whole thing for that week. And this son of a gun. I hope he wins the whole thing, though. Guess who's ahead of him? Some chick named Trish. Yeah. You believe it? I mean, I was having the week of my life i'm like yeah

and uh yeah if i get tonight right that's 13 at least i'm out of the bottom there kind of but uh that's pretty amazing huh the all my brother miss one and it was, and it was the Eagles-Seattle game. And I got up that morning, and this is how easily influenced I am and why I suck at this. I heard one guy say, well, the only thing is Seattle needs this game because they're in a tight fight in their division, and it doesn't mean that much to the Eagles. And that's all I needed to hear because usually when these teams have to win,

they do win. So I switched mine from the Eagles to Seattle. And my brother had it. That's the only one he didn't have right, the Eagles. And that could have went either way. Although I get porked in the Kansas City game. I don't care what anybody says. They call the fumble on a tight, eh, whatever. It doesn't matter.

But I took the Packers tonight. I think they're laying like 11, maybe 11 and a half. That is a lot to the Falcons, who I think really stink, even though they played well last week. Anyways, congratulations to my brother Greg, son of a gun. Hope he wins a whole shebang. Maybe he'll give me a nice pair of moccasins for my Christmas gift. Oh!

Yeah, a couple weeks away from christmas it's it's been fun i gotta be honest driving from westchester into the city and uh fighting these protesters hitting fucking traffic and oh my aching stem wish i lived in oklahoma for the month of december honest to god i can't believe it's freaking Christmas again. College football real quick. Again, I keep this short because I don't know when you listen to it. But they picked the four teams. You know, it's a new playoff thing this year.

Top four. Right? Playing a little round-robin tournament, actually. So they got Alabama at one, who has one loss, and they got Oregon, I think, at two. I think they have a loss. Florida State, who hasn't lost, they're at number three, and Ohio State was the last team.

They're at number four. They beat the stuffing out of Wisconsin, and, I mean, just bludgeoned them to death. And Wisconsin's a pretty goddamn good team. You can argue all you want about that. Could have been TCU. Could be Baylor. A lot of other teams were deserving.

But Ohio State, whatever. I don't know. They're just going to get their ass. It doesn't matter who it is. Well, I might double think that. They might be better off with a Baylor. I don't know. Alabama's going to murder whoever they play.

They look frightening again. Nick Saban might be the best college coach ever. They took apart Georgia Tech at the joints. Was it Georgia Tech? No. Who'd they beat I don't know they won the SEC

which is how do I not know that I should have that here somewhere let me pull it up anyways yeah so Ohio State which is number four they play number one

you know how it is the best team gets to play the weakest team which is Ohio State, which is number four, they play number one. You know how it is. The best team gets to play the weakest team, which is Ohio State. And any time Big Ten goes up against SEC, they get the stride. And that might happen again. Then Oregon gets to play Florida State. I would take Oregon in that, too. Wouldn't you, kids?

Huh? Sure you would. Yeah, so that'll be fun. It's kind of a playoff. I don't see how it makes it any easier. You got like six division champions with four slots. It seems like more of a headache now.

I don't know. But anyways, I'm looking forward to that. I might even find a... I'm going to have to find a bookie. You know? Those games would be awesome. Sip some cover.

And uh... Well, I ain't gonna load ESPN. Who did Alabama? Was it Georgia Tech? That doesn't sound right. Not Georgia. Georgia Tech's ACC, you dummy. It was Missouri they kicked the shit out of.

Missouri. It was Mizzou. And they were like, they were up there. They were pretty 12th or 11th. I mean, Alabama just took them apart. They look like they could beat some pro teams, Alabama. I don't know what Saban does, man. Unbelievable.

Anyways. Yeah, Christmas is around the corner worst christmas ever just thought of this today uh my girlfriend nancy i just got out of college a few years after college years after college and yeah broke up with my girlfriend or she broke up with me I think I initiated it like an asshole and then realized I wanted her back she wanted nothing to do with me and I was crushed and I remember going to my parents, I think, on Christmas. I went to a, I left the party and went and saw Jack Nicholson in Hoffa. Sat in the last row, just miserable. Half paying attention, looking at other couples going, I want to bite her nose off and spit in her face. Look at that dirty whore.

Just miserable, sitting in the back, angrily eating Twizzlers. Not even half watching them. And Nicholson was great in that. I later saw it on TV when I wasn't in a funk. How's that for a Christmas day, though? That's the one that sticks out.

Horrendous. And the other one I told you about, I had shoulder surgery right after high school and the only slot they had open on my second surgery was uh christmas eve so i had to do it because i wanted to try to go off a ball that spring or whatever remember i told you i think i told this on a previous podcast but woke up on morphine or some shit and i hit i hit the uh i hit the nurse over the head

with a styrofoam candy cane that they had hanging over my bed it literally broke on her i remember her telling my parents she was laughing about it she said you know i was all fucked up on drugs so those are the two that stick out. Best Christmas gift was what? My baby gun, my Daisy air rifle. I killed many a pigeon and pheasant with that. Couldn't do that now. As you get older, you become more mellow. Back then, I was like William Money.

That was from The Unforgiven. He was a killer of women and children when he drank. I didn't have to drink when I was killing pheasants. I could do it sober. I hated them that much. But I remember giving my buddy Robbie Sear my BB gun. It was both pellet and BB. You could use both.

And I remember I had BBs in it on this day. And I said, I only want you to pump it like once or twice. But I took my shirt off and I ran down the driveway and I said I want you to shoot me in the back so I take off running and I'm like okay and I'm still running and I'm like okay he should have hit me by now which means he pumped it about 4 or 5 times more than he should and he hit me in the back and broke the skin

with a BB I was bleeding shot me in the back right in the fucking back you got me skin with a BB. I was bleeding. Shot me in the back. Right in the fucking back, you got me. That was my best gift. That and the New York Giants football uniform. Came in a box, the whole uniform.

I was a Fran Tarkenton fan when I was a kid. So I had the Giants uniform. My brother was a Dallas Cowboys fan. Even then he knew more as far as betting. And yeah, we went out in the backyard and I remember I tried to hurdle him and he cut my legs and I landed on my head. Those are the two gifts that stick out. That and the 60 pound bag of puppy chow. My dad would buy shit if it was on sale didn't matter enjoy your puppy chow it's uh 40 off i didn't have a lot of money what are you gonna do that's about it kids uh what can i tell you again don't forget to go to nickdip.com and pre-order another senseless killing

and uh yeah do that if you you do it before January 2nd, you'll get the MP3 tracks of the entire special. And after that, you know, they'll be separate and it'll be eight bucks for both or five bucks for one or the other.

But like I said, if you go to nickdip.ni, you can gift it to people too so they can have it. They'll get the email telling them that you bought it for them. You can be a hero. And then they get downloaded on January 2nd like everybody else. So do that.

NickDip.com for all your guinea needs. All righty. That's all I got. Where am I going to be? Nowhere, really. I was going to be, I should mention this. I think on February 4th, I was supposed to be, and again, this isn't changed yet,

but it's supposed to be at the Main Street Armory in Rochester. It's a theater up in Rochester on February 13th. And apparently Jay Leno has just booked himself across the street. I'm sure it's some huge haul. And I don't think I want to go head-to-head with him as far as ticket sales. So that might be moved again. I hope not then again would it be really bad not to have to go to um rochester on february in february what are the odds that's not going to

get snowed the fuck out anyways uh after that uh the comedy works in albany february 26 through 28 that should be a doozy. And before that, January 23rd, the Suffolk Theater in Riverhead, New York. January 24th, the Treehouse, Sports Haven Treehouse in New Haven, Connecticut. And Bananas on January 30

and 31. Oh, I'm working on my birthday. And that's in New Jersey. I forget where, but you can google it hasbrook heights it's called something like that all right kids good talking to you again and uh i'll see you out in the clubs yo i love you for helping me to construct and you blew it not a tavern you blew it but a temple I love you because you have done so much to me

and you blew it you blew it you have done it without a word without a touch without a sign you have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. guitar solo Bye.