The Nick DiPaolo Show - 060 - New York Shitty / CIA / Braciola

Episode Date: December 16, 2014

New York Shitty / CIA / Braciola

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Ahem. Ahem. I'm dreaming of white Christmas It goes out to Al Sharpton, de Blasio, all the protesters throwing shit at the cops, beating the cops. Yeah, this goes out to you, you fucking soulless, motherless fucks. Yeah, and the fucking pers. Yeah. And the fucking perps listen to what they're told by Sergeant O'Reilly. How are you, kids?

It's getting a holiday spirit. This city's in shambles, anyways. This is what we were tortured by. I'll bring that up to torture later on, but my mother's favorite Christmas album. Picture the soothing voice of Johnny Mathis while my father curses out trying to put a sled together for my brother because the directions are in Spanish.

Yeah. Let me give you some of my my Christmas jokes I do on stage every year, this time of the year. Boy, folks, Christmas, I mean, can we start advertising a little earlier next year? What was it, early June we started advertising? It's so over-commercialized. The other night I was watching what I thought was Jesus of Nazareth, you know, the movie. It showed five guys nailing Christ to the cross. It ended up being an ad for Stanley Tools.

You want to liven up Christmas morning? Switch the tags on the gifts the night before just to see that look in your grandmother's eyes when she opens that nine-inch black rubber dildo. What? I hope this one doesn't break like the last one that broke in two weeks. Yeah.

A couple of years ago, my whole family played a gag. I mean, this is actually true. My cousin gave me one of those fake lottery tickets. You know, I scratched it off on Christmas Eve at the party, and I thought I won like 10 grand. And I'm jumping around, and everybody at the party was in on it, these sons of bitches. Everybody's, you know, patting me on the back.

Congratulations, that's unbelievable. For like two hours, they played it out. And turns out it was phony. All these pricks are in on it. But I got them all back. Two Christmases later, I'd stabbed my grandma to death on Christmas morning in the garage. That's another one. My father was always in a bad mood around Christmas time. Dad was always in a bad mood around Christmas time because we didn't have that much money, you know? So around Christmas time, he'd get pissed off because he really couldn't give us good gifts and uh i liked it better with the music

um yeah so he'd get real bitter around the holidays because he couldn't afford good gifts for us and i remember sitting around uh christmas uh Day during dinner and saying, Dad, doesn't Mom look pretty in her brand new dress, Christmas dress? And he'd say something like, son, they all look alike upside down. Now pass the turkey, you pussy. You could tell my dad was pissed by the gifts. I remember I opened up a Nuecha sketch and it said, fuck you on it.

My brothers said eat shit, I think. Then he told us that me and my brother should eat the silver stuff inside. That it was good for us. It was like protein. These are actual bits I do on stage around the holidays. That's right. He'd also give us, my parents would give us gifts that were out of season

because they were cheaper, you know. Ah, the slip and slide. Ah, you know that one. He'd give us the slip and slide. Christmas, it's 11 degrees outside. He's hosing us down in our underwear. You know that bit from Raw Nerve. We also have one of those shitty aluminum

trees. You remember those? If you're old enough. The silver shiny trees. The thing was made fucking of aluminum. My mother would be like break off a branch so I can wrap those fucking leftovers up for your uncle. Oh yeah. Excuse me.

And, you know, my wife doesn't really work. Well, she works with me, but I pay her her salary. So when she gives me a gift on Christmas, it's actually me giving myself a fucking gift. And I turn into a dinero in Goodfellas because I'm paying for my own gift. I'll be like, didn't I tell you not to get anything too big, too expensive? Take it back. Get it out of here. Get it the fuck out of here.

Take it back. I don't give a shit where you got it. Get it out of here. Yeah, but it's in a credit card on your name. What, have you been a wise guy? What'd you say to me? What, have you been a wise guy? What did I tell you? One of them gets me a yellow turtleneck, the other one gets me a red cardigan. Get the fuck out of here. This is how I know I'm a bad husband And this is true too I went on the internet last year

To watch a video demonstration On how to wrap a gift correctly Because I always It looks like a retarded kid did it And So I put on this internet video And the girl in the video Was like 22 years old

Blonde Stunning With big tits I ended up jer the girl in the video was like 22 years old, blonde, stunning, with big tits. I ended up jerking off to the video. True story. And I remember I gave my wife her gift.

She's like, why you wrap this? How are you keeping the paper on? There's no tape on it anyway. And I'm like, yeah, I know.

A little trick. You know these beauties? Those are my Christmas gifts. Jokes. Come on, those are funny. Those are terrific. The type of shit that's kept me relevant. Yeah, Christmas in New York City.

It's a fucking nightmare. Don't come near here. If you're from any part of the country, just stay where you are, okay? You know what a tree looks like. You really gonna come to Rockabella center prime spot for fucking terrorists lone wolves to set something off or you're looking at a pine tree that you can see on the side of any highway any country unless you're living in hawaii oh what a time i mean with the fucking jerk off protesters

oh those assholes just won't let it go And it's just making me sick to my stomach. They're just, you know, again, all built on a false narrative in my opinion. I'm not going to go over it again. You know how I fucking feel. Some people do get it. Some black people actually get it. That's why I know the truth is out there.

It's not totally subjective. There is one truth. You know? Here's a lady who gets it. Black lady, by the way. Mike Brown started the trail that led him to his death. Just because he's black does not change that he committed a crime and the cops were called. He began the fucking trail to his own death.

By the way, this is an anchor woman on ABC. I forget her name. By the way, this is an anchor woman on ABC. I forget her name. As black people, we're supposed to say, oh, just because he did that don't mean he's supposed to get shot. What if he never did it? If he would have never went to that store, if he would have never stolen, if he would have never assaulted the store owner, where would Mike Brown be right? I'm sorry, this is MSNBC. I't mix it up but it's an angle man. Now I'll wait for all you pro black people who support assholes

who kill fucking people every day don't contribute nothing to society but we supposed to protest and stand up for them. Knowing damn well if Mike Brown was in our hood he would have fucked one of y'all niggas up and y'all would have went and shot him. So spare me

with the fucking bleeding heart bullshit well she wasn't very eloquent but uh her message is right on point in my opinion i think it was uh cnn and msnbc it's one of the rank of people sure but uh what a nightmare fucking uh saturday they you know thousand thirty thousand of them are marching up sixth avenue or whatever the fuck and some scumbag professor a suny professor that's the city of university of new york uh he's trying to throw a metal trash can like off a bridge onto you know weighs about 40 pounds could have killed somebody he's a uh okay he's a professor that uh being paid by us the taxpayers of new york can you friggin imagine what a scumbag lisker is his name just a dopey white piece of garbage who just doesn't get it yeah a bunch of cops a couple of them got punched in the face and uh and then de blasio what's he say about these incidents

they're alleged incidents can you imagine this fucking you know what i respect l sharpton 55 000 times more than i respect de blasio at least sharpton is who he is and uh doesn't pretend otherwise de blasio what the fuck are you hiding i remember bill hicks used to say of i think he was talking about strom thurman or some real right wing uh politician that when you're that far right you have something to hide well it must work the other way around i love to know de blasio i love to know what happened to this fucking guy that makes him such a self-hating white puss just uh unbelievable the cops now there's cops the cops have us they uh they put out this thing that they're passing around to all the cops.

They want it signed saying if they killed in the line of duty, they don't want de Blasio at the funeral. It's some document. Ah, what a douche. And this is a guy, de Blasio, who said, this is a section of the podcast is very New York centric, but what can I tell you? Um, he's the one who, you know,

he said, he, he said that New York was, you know, it was a tale of two cities. He was going to bring us together. This asshole just erected a fence, a 10 foot fence.

Gracie mansion is where the mayor lives in New York City. It's just funny that he's living in a mansion too, Mr. fucking 99%-er. He's just a walking contradiction. But there's already a fence around a Gracie Mansion that there always has been, but he's erected a taller one so people can't see in. Here's a man of the people, huh? You fucking phony douchebag. Ugh.

Hasn't had any tours of Gracie Mansion either, by the way. That's something you could do with all the mayors. You could actually take a tour. I actually did it once, but not under him. I guess they're making some, you know, what their excuse is is they're, you know, they're making it better for it'll be open in the spring tour so it'll be more more accessible to all people whatever that means so he even sees

racism in the way the tours are being conducted i guess at gracie mansion what a douche oh just punks out there throwing shit at cops and then i saw a clip of uh did you see the clip i think it was out somewhere out west i don't know if it was uh i don't know if it was berkeley or one of those places but there was a white protester amongst you know a bunch of black people and um he was trying to prevent them from breaking like a storefront window and soon as he turned his his head away some black kid with a hammer in his hand knocks him out with a hammer in his hand you can see the handle sticking out like donna's forearm he's holding a metal part but sucker punches this guy now if he was out there protesting i don't have much uh sympathy for him uh uh but if he was a guy just trying to you know mind his business and saw

somebody about to break windows that's another case but if you're out there on the side of the protest is good i'm glad you get knocked out what do you think of that dick uh dick. It's crazy, man. Yeah, New York City, I'm so sick of hearing how it's the greatest city in the world. That might have been true at one time, but if I lived in another part of the country, I'd be laughing my balls off. Not just because of the pro, just the whole

if you read the papers, the shit that goes on, and people go, it happens in every major city. Bullshit. Bullshit. Especially this time of year. It's a friggin' nightmare. But, you know.

Unbelievable. I'm still trying to figure out how de Blasio got elected after Giuliani and Bloomberg, essentially two Republicans. Bloomberg, that's debatable. But you can't argue with their tactics. So why would you go, yeah, let's reverse course. I was saying that to some comic I didn't't know and he goes well that's because there was

a lot of corruption uh and the last term of the bloomberg administration so judges uh were getting paid you know people buying their their as they say buying their robes or and i go really you think people that you think people that went to the voting booths, you think they know inside shit like that, minutia like that, really? I don't know. But what a nightmare. Holy moly. Yeah, so the cops, it's not bad enough, right? They have zillions of tourists this time of year in New York City and crowds everywhere, whether it's Rockefeller, it's Center, Times Square. So they have to be extra vigilant, right? They have zillions of tourists this time year in New York City and crowds everywhere, whether it's Rockefeller, it's

Times Square, so they have to be extra vigilant, right? Because this is a perfect time for lone wolves and asshole terrorists and whoever else is trying to kill us to do their dirty work. But now, not only is they have to look out for those people, they have to look out now for their own people. Jerk-off

protesters, snotty fucking white nose, white- face college kids. Who don't know anything. About the world. Suck a punch in them. And they're chanting. We can't breathe. Hands up.

Now the noise. What do we want? We want cops dead. When do we want it now? That's what they're actually chanting. Nice. Anyways, what the hell else is going on? I can't help it.

This is what I'm going to do. Can't say this shit on the radio. Say it here. Yeah. say it here um yeah somebody in i read this today in the book somebody in somebody just happened to you know and i'm sure it's part of the the revolution that's going on you know the anarchists or the communist douchebags out there uh they punctured 100 tires car tires of over 100 cars in in brooklyn yesterday and in manhattan 21 car windows were smashed so you can see uh they they have a lot of logic and a lot of reason and i'm guessing that's not just random street crime that's you know part of the assholes hey we uh we can't really we're not eloquent enough to uh make our point verbally so let's

break something that's basically what it is then you get the people who think that the um like al sharpton uh whoever the de blasios think that the the police department racial makeup should be uh directly reflected that of the community they serve. Can you fucking imagine how insulting that is to white cops? If I'm a white cop, I'd be like, good, I'm out. I'm out. But that's, I mean, that's literally

like segregationist thought. You know what I mean? That's like, if you said that about schools or whatever private you know businesses well only only uh only uh black teachers should teach black students so what you're saying is you you want you want segregation basically i mean let's try it i mean is that what you want because that's what the racist white racist back in the 50s that's what they wanted

separate but equal or whatever we're going backwards backwards man hey caught a couple of mice today well one yesterday one today I've mentioned this on the show before. You know, I live in the woods. Every place has mice.

And like I said, I'm like a Gloucester fisherman. I check my traps. We have an unfinished side of the basement, you know, where the washer and dryer is and the boiler and all that. And that's somehow, there's an opening there because that's where I get them. Although I had a trap here in my office and found one today. Tiny, they're little. They're not rats, they're mice. They're rats, you know, I'd move.

But usually when they go in, I put peanut butter in there peanut butter sometimes i'll put in a piece of roast chicken maybe a lobster tail you know i mean i don't want to uh i mean they deserve to eat good too piece of lemon meringue pie it's gonna be their last meal, right? Might as well go all out. I put some hummus and crackers in one of the traps. And, you know, they go in head first. I got those traps that, you know, it looks like a little tunnel. They're black. I mean, not the old-fashioned wooden ones with a spring on it. But, you know, the ones that you don't have to see the dead mouse.

You can just see his tail sticking out. Because that's what my wife insists on. But, you know, they go in there head first, obviously to see the dead mouse. You can just see his tail sticking out because that's what my wife insists on. But they, you know, they go in their head first, obviously, for the peanut butter, and the thing comes down on the back of the neck. Does a beautiful job, by the way. And, but this one today that I found was facing outwards.

He backed in. I don't understand. Maybe he was trying to be, you know, rectal feeding like the CIA did. We'll get to that in a few minutes. Supposed torture of those Al Qaeda guys. Rectal feeding. The mouse was, his face was sticking out. He backed in.

I can't figure this one out. So I do my usual ritual. I had mentioned this before. What I do is I bring it outside on the patio right outside my office here. I dump the little dead mouse out. And then I get my hockey stick. And I shoot him into my pond. Yeah.

It's fun but uh you know it gets cold out they come in for the warmth and uh little do they know they walk in it's like my house is the last house on the left even though it's on the right and i i get them and my wife just freaks out i I'll walk by her with the trap in my hand with not even anything in it, and I'll pretend there's, and she'll fucking just scream and run in another room. Meanwhile, she won't think twice

about getting on an animal like a horse that weighs 5,000 pounds or whatever. I don't get it. But, yeah. I'm thinking about taking one of the little dead mice and like i said like they did in the unforgiven when morgan freeman's character get killed remember they put it in a casket and they stood stood him up with an open casket in front of the saloon to let people know what happened to him. Trying to do that. It's fucking weird, isn't it? I make my living in the city, in the comedy clubs, and I come out here, I'm like, you know, Daniel Boone bringing in firewood yesterday.

The wife won't go out there, too. We have a shed where we keep the wood because you know there's definitely mice out there yet i've seen one in five years so i don't know what all the panic's about um slept uh it's back folks it's bad as ever three nights, I've slept a total of nine hours. It's about three and a half hours, three hours a night, maybe four. Like four or five nights ago, I took, and again, I'm not big on drugs, but I couldn't take it anymore. I took Ativan, two Ativan. They were like a milligram each or a half a milligram

I took two of those I'm sitting there waiting to get drowsy nothing's happening so I took a Xanax and drank a glass of wine okay and I'm still fucking

tossing and turning all of a sudden I have the constitution of my friend Artie Lang can't knock me out with an elephant gun something is insane. I'm ready to be exercised.

There's a fucking demon in there that won't leave me alone. I don't know what the hell is bothering me. You know? I'm ready to go to a specialist. I haven't tried that kava yet, though. I want to thank somebody on Twitter

that sent me that. There's a whole site you can go to that kava yet, though. I want to thank somebody on Twitter that sent me that. There's a whole site you can go to for kava products. Speaking of products, good time to plug my special. Don't forget to go to nickdip.com and click on the pre-order button. You can order my new special. I know the sense is killing. It'll be available online streaming and before downloads on January 2nd. But if you do it before January 2nd, you get an extra bonus.

You get all the individual MP3 tracks for the entire special. We'll throw that in as a bonus. All of that for $5. Okay? And you have the option, like I said, to pay more if you'd like, which a lot of people are doing, and I appreciate it. And I thank you very much. I took the extra money and I, I, I bought myself a, uh, you know what? A crossbow and, uh, a bag of puppy chow. Uh, when you order it immediately, you'll get a confirmation email on january 2nd

you'll receive a link with your download code and uh you can send this to anyone with an email address as a christmas gift perfect stocking stuffer come on nick dipalo the holidays i'm just like johnny mathis very soothing uh but it is it's a good stocking stuffer stick it right in your friend's ass i don't give a shit. Buy it. I'm living on dog food and bologna over here. Click on the gift button at nickdip.com. On Christmas morning, they'll receive an email telling them that you bought it for them,

and then you'll receive an email from them saying, look, I'll give you a handjob behind the tool shed. They can download it on January 2nd. Then after that, it'll be available at nickdip.com. You just go there and order it, and then it'll be a wider release after that. Then we'll do pre-orders for whatever, iTunes and Amazon and all that jazz.

It's great, though. You're going to like it. I did it, like I said, in a small club, and it's fun. And you get a bird's eye view or whatever. It's like you're in the first row with a Roman camera here and there. You can get a look at my big, fat, pale face. Jesus Christ. I always, anytime I do TV shows and shit, they always, or a special,

they always have a makeup person. Even when I did, like, shows like red eye or tough cry excuse me and i uh most of the times i'd say no to the makeup because when i do say yes they make you look like fucking lily munster oh i'll just put a little on you go home you look like a look like a corpse and uh you know you'll like this because the camera angles aren't the most flattering i got that like i said the Roman camera, the guy shooting up at me to highlight my six chins. It's because I'm eating like an animal. Like I'm an animal over here. And then I look at the, you know, I'll see it and I'll see the makeup lady and go, you know, what the fuck?

What are you doing? And you blew it. You blew it. Yeah. So do it nickdip.com that's my website or nickdipalo.com but nobody can spell that me included yes i'm wiping my memory out with these pills again i got more blood work back i don't know if i updated you on that and i didn't have uh you know it was it was negative on the uh lime but again those things are false all the time and i'm like walking around in a daze i have no memory

all symptoms of line but again i think this is from the not sleeping. So, you don't know what to believe. Anyways, yeah, I can't even watch the news and meet the press. And I always, as much as I hate the shit on there, because it's always, you know, so slanted, I'll sit through it and force myself to to just so I know what's going on. But with this racial shit, it is, I can't even sit through it. I can't even sit through it. It's such bunk to me that I can't even frigging listen to it. White people, let me get something through to you that nobody will tell you.

Black people hate your guts, okay? They've been raised to hate you. Nobody ever says that, okay? me get something through to you that nobody will tell you black people hate your guts okay they've been raised to hate you nobody ever says that okay and again on an individual basis we get along fine but as a group they hate your fucking guts so quit trying to appease them and that goes for the real liberal white liberals i don't know what you're fucking thinking they want nothing to do with you if all the shit went down tomorrow your heads would be cut off first it's ridiculous nobody talks about how many times have you heard the term black racism you never hear it ever every time you hear racism it's always uh you know it's a it's always phrased, there's still racism implying past racism still exists.

And we all know, we all assume past racism is white racism, correct? Like there's no black racism. That just fucking makes me laugh. They hate your guts. Quit trying to appease them. Okay? Okay? I don't know if I talked about this in the last episode.

There's a professor at Smith College. It's like a woman's college somewhere, you know, western part of Massachusetts. And the head of the school a woman she actually said that she sent out a memo or an email saying all lives matter you know like because black lives matter you see that on signs and hashtag black um she said all lives matter now she she had to apologize she had to apologize for saying all lives matter. If you can hear that and tell me we're not in the fucking upside down universe right now. Can you imagine?

I don't know if she had to, but she did. I mean, I can't even. Does that even make any sense she's being all inclusive oh my god she implied that some lives matter as much as black lives how dare she say that to black people

and I know and again I know not all black people buying this shit they have their heads on straight but not too many thinking all this is silly. But the patronizing is just unfreaking. de Blasio, oh my God, what the fuck? What is he thinking?

And then you got, on the national level, we had Senator Dianne Feinstein. She's behind this whole report on the CIA and torture. Back in, you know, right after 2001, after the big attacks, the CIA was using enhanced interrogation techniques, EIT, like waterboarding and a lot of other stuff they did. Can you imagine? It's like a 10 year, 12 year study. This is all this broad has to do in her courts. This is all they have to do, really.

Can you imagine sitting back after the worst attack in history, killing almost 3,000 Americans, having the balls to sit back 10, 12 years later and second guess decisions that were made that obviously saved people's lives? How fucking much hate do you have for this country? How much do you hate this country to put that much effort into it? And under the bullshit guise of, um, we have to hold up these morals. We are, um, that's what separates us from other countries. No, what separates us from other countries, we do what we have to do to friggin' win.

That's what separates us. We're the only superpower left, you dummy. Sorry for the strong language there. That's what separates us. Ooh, some of them were sleep-deprived. Well, I can relate to that. Some of them were rectally fed. Yeah, some of them were on hunger strikes.

So, you know, a tube was placed in their rectum, and they were fed. I don't give a shit. One guy was hung up on a wall, I guess, in a diaper or whatever the fuck. Who cares? Who cares? We extract information, and they didn't even, this 6,000 page document, they didn't even talk to any of the interrogators, actual people that were involved in doing this stuff.

Didn't interview one of them. You know, this isn't a fucking political witch hunt. Are you kidding me? What a fucking joke. Who cares? Anal force feeding. I think my mother used to do that on Thanksgiving. After we all passed out after dinner watching football. And dessert was ready.

She couldn't wake us up. Put a tube right in them. Here comes the pumpkin pie. Ping! Nick, don't make light of yeah i will make light of it they did what they had to do to protect us and it worked okay it actually led in a water boarding sheikh muhammad the khalid sheikh that led to us to his courier the guy used to drive him around okay and that led to us eventually getting bin Laden. If that's all it did, it worked, okay? When they released the torture memos,

remember the guys who interrogated the detainees, remember they're going to go after them. By the way, in my opinion, waterboarding is not torture. Pouring water over somebody's face for 40 to 50 seconds to simulate drowning is not torture. And if it is, they had to investigate the girl that shampoos my hair at Supercuts. Last week while she was rinsing me, I admitted to killing Natalie Holloway. Yeah, it was me and the Indian kid.

Get that hose out of my face for Christ's sake. I'm drowning over here, please. It's not torture None of that shit is torture You see what they consider torture in the army field manual? Slapping somebody across the face With an open hand is considered torture now Well maybe somebody might want to look into my dad's past The first ten years of my life

I thought I had a bee on my forehead. None of that stuff we did to those detainees was torture. You know how I know that? Because I belonged to a fraternity when I was in college. And the stuff I did to people, and the stuff they did to me. I don't remember reading in the New York Times about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed having to eat a Ritz cracker with his own jizz on it deal or the Taliban having to crawl naked on all fours through an obstacle course while holding Bing cherries in their ass unbelievable how this this is just fucking unbelievable and now now americans all over

the you know people that are you know in the armed services whatever police u.n people uh people that work in embassies overseas they're all in danger because of this shit because it's out in the open. I love that I saw Dick Cheney on Meet the Press with Chuck Todd. And Cheney for president. I'd vote for him tomorrow. Because even the head of the CIA, Brennan, said that the report is so slanted and full of a lot of horseshit and falsehoods. And Cheney's like, I'd do it again in a second.

I loved his frigging answer. Chuck Todd's like, well, what do you consider torture? What do I consider torture? Without even blinking, Chaney goes, somebody who's standing on like 104th floor of a burning building, calling his family to tell him that he's gonna die, telling his children, because he's about to leap to his death. That's torture.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, my God. And you know what? Dianne Feinstein and a lot of the senators, all Democrats, they were made aware of this shit. They knew what was going on. They're denying it now because the political winds are in their favor now. What cowards.

What fucking cowards. And then Chuck Todd brought up, he goes, but what about the Japanese? How they treated their prisoners of World War II? He's actually comparing that to what CIA people were doing. Anal force feeding. It's a little silly ain't it but the the biggest contradiction of all that anybody can see the bigger biggest hypocrisy because you know obviously obama you know he's like well there were mistakes made

like waterboarding so according to obama and minions, it's all right to blow somebody up with a drone. You can blow somebody up without asking any questions. That's okay. But waterboarding somebody or keeping them up for five days straight or playing loud music, that's over the line. But he can blow somebody up without even questioning them. That's all right. Oh, my goodness gracious, Heloise. Yeah, I can't uh i try to watch this week with uh

george stephanopoulos he's never there it's always that motharatus that dried up oh he talks like this and he over enunciates everything. The CIA torture report was released this week. And there were disturbing findings. I don't know how she's still there. Same with you know who. Who's the other one on NBC? The old broad. She's been around forever.

What's her name? Jewish. You know who I'm talking about. But she's really... I don't know how they've hung on so long. They must be blowing the people, the heads of the news networks. They're horrendous. Their voices go through you like a knife.

They're hard to look at on top of it. What the hell else? What else do I want to talk about? Not much, I guess. Don't you love shopping online, though, for Christmas? I don't think I've seen a human in about four days having left the house. My wife's like, this is what I want.

She actually prints out the page. It's really horrible on my part. But she'll print out what she wants off a website. I just go to the website and order it. Isn't that horrible? Don't worry. I'm going to make an effort. I'm not going to do all the gifts like that.

You know what I mean? As a matter of fact, during the day, yesterday, I went over to one of those, you know, like Patrick Swayze did in that movie with Whoopi Goldberg.

What was it called? You know, he does the pottery thing. See how tired I am? I can't remember anything, even the fucking name of that movie. Ah, it's like having Alzheimer's.

This is horrible. But yeah, I'm going to make her some pots by hand, you know, on a kiln thing. What was that movie called? Ghost? It wasn't Ghost. What the fuck was it? Yeah. I'm going to whittle her a, uh, I'm going to whittle her a, um, I don't know. I'm going to whittle her a pair of spurs for her boots when she rides. And, um, you know what I did make? I made a brajol yesterday.

This is one crazy podcast, isn't it? I'm all over the place. I go from anal feeding of Al-Qaeda to giving you the recipe for brajol. Mmm. Then when you're done with brajol, you can stick it right in somebody's ass anally. Yeah, I made a brajol yesterday. Oh, I told you I like to cook love to cook old school oh man you get top of the round meat you pound it out nice and flat about a quarter inch thick

half inch thick and then you uh few people want italian and then you make this like you know there's 19 different varieties but you take uh you soak bread almost like a stuffing you soak day old bread and milk and um hard boiled eggs and parsley you pound the meat out and garlic then you pound the meat out and you lay down like prosciutto a layer of prosciutto on the meat and then you put the stuffing on top of the prosciutto, and then you take a stick of provolone, and you roll up the meat into a giant roll, and you tie it up with string or with toothpicks. Then you brown it, and then you put it in your sundae sauce

and let it simmer for like two and a half, three hours, and then you cut it just like you would like an ice cream log. Oh, my God. Fucking heaven on earth. Oh, it was tremendous. It was so good. My wife gave me a handjob with her left hand. What?

What? No, she didn't do that. But I did. It was so good. No, I mean, I did make the bourgeois. It was tremendous. Oh. This is the thing.

I'm eating like an animal because I always do it when it gets cold. But I'm physically exhausted to work out. I can't work out on three hours. I can't do it. I drank three cups of coffee this morning. It didn't even budge me. Didn't even phase me. It's because I took some pills last night.

Turning into Janis Joplin, man. I'm a pill head. So, yeah. I'm a pillhead. So, yeah. I'm going to try the Kava stuff that I talked about on the last podcast. What the hell else? Sports-wise, my Patriots, you know, come on.

They're automatic. They just took apart the Dolphins who beat the shit out of us opening day. But very rarely does Belichick get beat twice. And what the hell else? Buffalo Bills upset Green Bay. Johnny Manziel had a horrible debut against the Bengals. But come on, he's playing with the Cleveland Browns. They were decent this year, but they're tapping out as usual.

And he had a horrible debut. But for some reason, I still believe in that kid. He's cocky enough. He's got the physical tools. He's got hands like Odell Beckham Jr., the great receiver for the Giants. His hands are that big, Manziel's. But, and then what, Mark Sanchez last night for the Eagles. He just, he's just an average quarterback against Dallas. Dallas went up 21-0. Eagles made a comeback, stormed ahead.

And then there's a couple of wide-open receivers at critical points in the game. Sanchez just missed them, overthrew them, underthrew them. He's just all right. He's just all right. Nick Foles is better, man. Foles is in, and I think the Eagles win that game. And they have to, again, the NFL has to,

they have to clarify what a reception is. I don't know, you guys, how old you are listening to me, but back in the day, it wasn't that hard. If somebody threw a pass to a receiver, it was in his hands for like, you could tell. They should just look up the definition of reception or possession. It used to be, if the guy had his hands on it for like two or three seconds, he didn't have to bring it into his body.

He didn't have to, you know, make a football move. He didn't have to, you know, set up a card table and play dominoes for 10 minutes. It's just, you know, it's like pornography. You know it when you see it what a what possession is the guy has it in his hands his hands around it but what they did was the refs kept fucking it up apparently the game became too fast for him so to make it easy if that ball comes out in any manner you know being brought to the ground, but if the ball comes loose, you know, he has to have possession of it through the whole process. They did that thinking it would make it easier for the refs,

but it's ridiculous now. You see some guys who catch the ball, they take five steps, get hit, and pops out, and they call it incomplete. And there's other times a guy will have a second and a half get drilled, and they call it a complete. It is a mess right now. They have to clarify that. It makes me nuts.

Every Sunday, by the way, I went back to my shitty ways. I had six runs. Six going into tonight. The best I can do is a lousy seven. My brother had, I think, nine. He's one behind the lead out of 79 or 80 people for the pool. My brother's going to win the whole thing, I'm telling you. He's like Jimmy the Greek without the booze.

Yeah. Yeah. So. Who else shit the bed? Detroit got by the Vikings. The parody. I can see why people love the NFL so much. And we talked about it before.

It really is the most schizophrenic league in any day. It's, I guess, which is I guess which is why people tone in. But like I said, it's parody, which is not a compliment. Parody is just a bunch of mediocrity. Any team shouldn't be able to beat any team on any given Sunday. If you're a quality team and you play hard every week, you should win most of those games. But it's been a little better this year.

Like, the Cowboys actually look like they're legit. And that rivalry is kind of bad because Chip Kelly has the Eagles playing good. This is, you know. But Tom Brady and Gronk and Belichick. They always put up records they break every week. Belichick and Brady, I don't know, they're like 73-0 when leading at halftime since they've been together. I mean, these insane things that sound made up. It's frigging crazy.

Baseball-wise, Sox made more moves. baseball wise Sox made more moves we got Rick Porcello I think from the Tigers and Justin Masterson who was originally with the Red Sox who I loved I was mad when they get rid of him he went to Cleveland but we got him back I think he's a legitimate definitely a

starter and some guy Wade Sm, or I don't know. I probably got the name wrong. Wade Miley. I don't know. A lefty from the National League who's supposed to be decent. I think he was with Arizona. Don't quote me on all this shit.

quote me in all this shit. But and Chase Headley the Yankees signed a four year deal with and Yankees fans are already upset because they're not signing these huge names. They'll be in it. They'll be in it though. They know what they're doing.

Can't count them out. The Mets got John Mayberry Jr. I remember his old man who was a stud back in the like 80s with the Kansas City Royals. This is his kid. That's their big signing, I guess. What the hell else? Dates.

I'm so tired. Been in the city. Dealing with that horseshit. Can't wait for the holidays to pass. Gonna be heading out to L.A. to do a bunch of podcasts to promote another senseless killing. I mentioned that. I've already lined up Rogan and Carolla and hopefully Billy Burr and a bunch of other ones. What the hell else? Suffolk Theater on January 23rd Riverhead New York uh Treehouse Sports Haven

that's in New Haven Connecticut on the 24th uh Bananas which is in Hasbro Heights New Jersey January 30 and 31 31. Had to change the... I had to change the date a second time now. Up in Rochester, the Main Street Armory. Apparently Jay Leno's going to be playing across the street. I think he might win that battle of the tickets. So we're going to move that TBD, as they say. Albany, the Comedy Works, February 26th, 27th, and 28th, and there'll be more stuff coming before then, I'm sure.

My agent's doing his job. That's it kids I am fucking burnt to a crisp debating right now do I force myself

to get on the treadmill or do I go upstairs and finish that brajole I don't look like Gabriel Iglesias if I keep this up. That's one of the things, too. You do all this research on insomnia and stuff. Like, you put on weight.

It fucks up everything in metabolism. And I don't know how a guy who can... I've been healthy my whole life. It's unbelievable. It's the testosterone, I think. Somebody also told me that causes depression, lack of testosterone. So, I'm going to go to the nearest gym up where I live and try to score some, I think it's time for steroids, you know.

The doctors are afraid to do that shit, but you watch Stallone, I see these movies on HBO that he made. I don't even know what he makes them. This guy never stops working. Like Bullet to the Head was the name of one of them. The guy's, what is he, 68? Guy's fucking shredded. How is he still alive?

Guy's been juicing since Rocky. Well, no, he wasn't. He wasn't actually wasn't juicing. Rocky II, I think, is when he started juicing, which was what, late 70s? This guy's been juicing for 30 years. 30 years.

He's been juicing for 30 years. And he looks great. You know, I heard if you get a doctor that knows how to do that shit right, that, you know, it'll actually. I brought this up in front of my wife and she's like, I'll divorce you tomorrow. And I'm like, why? She goes like, you're not already angry enough. You're going to fucking take steroids.

And she meant it, too. She jumped on her horse and she rode away. No, she. But she did mean it. I mean, you could look, we all know, I don't have the most pleasant disposition, never did,

but then you throw on top of it a lack of sleep and then maybe a layer of steroids. That would be a little much. I'd probably die in a road rage incident, you know, probably like on the West Side Highway on the way to do a set at the stand. I was there last week and there was a Christmas party upstairs and I was watching that from the corner.

And this is the mindset in Manhattan. And then some girl comedian comes in and she looks around. She goes, a lot of white people in it. She's white,. She goes, a lot of white people in here. She's white, by the way. A lot of white people in here. And another comedian goes, yeah, it's an office party. We're trying to figure out what do you think they do for a living? And she goes with a disgusting tone, make money.

And I said, God forbid, huh? Then they both looked at me with that cocked head. Aren't you aware of white privilege, Nick? And no. But it was an office party. So they're upstairs and they're being loud and drinking. And I'm like, I saw the owner and I go, please tell me then they're not going downstairs for the second show that I was also over. He goes, no, they're just here for the party. Sure enough. Ten minutes later, look over. They're leading them downstairs.

I'm not on stage. People coming up. Janine Graffalo comes up and goes, oh, you're going to love this crowd or something. And I'm like, what do you mean? Well, they're drunk. And I go, why do you think I would like that? I have the least tolerance for that shit of any comedian I know. She goes, no, but you'll be able to control them.

Because they were yelling my name out. Apparently. And sure enough, I get on there. I'm not on stage five minutes. Nikki! And I'm like, fellas, I appreciate you, you know, but you got to shut the fuck up. It was so horrible.

That and I had to sit there where they're all having their Christmas party. There's like a little table in the corner for us, like three comics. You know, they're lining up like fucking fudge cake in front of us and champagne sitting there eating a fucking pretzel stick i found in my car seat on the way to the gig but um that's where i that's where i go

to try to get new stuff done folks that's how it You know, got some new bits of brewing. Let me give you the titles to them. Let me see here's some of the premises that i haven't developed yet that are on my notepad uh still working on the jaws bit i well i actually haven't done in about a month where i compare getting blown by a girl with sharp teeth to quint being eaten so when i tell the story i do it like quint and jaws uh here's another premise if you see something say something i saw five pakistanis taking a pressure cooker out of the back of a minivan and i called the the number and the lady well, do you think it's an explosive device?

And I said, no, they're making pulled pork on fucking 42nd and 8th Street. There's got to be something in there. But it was true. I saw these Middle Eastern guys taking, it was probably a Christmas gift. It was a box, but it said pressure cooker right on the box. Come on.

What am I supposed to ignore that? Food truck. Again, these aren't developed. These are kind of like one-liners. Yeah, I always wanted to try fish tacos out of the back of a Ford F-150. I'm talking about getting all. I actually saw a commercial for catheters i wrote down the 800 number because i'm sick and tired of getting up and pissing in the middle of the night uh maybe i can weld like 10 of them together you know stick it in the tip of my prick and

run it to the toilet um i was trying to decide what to get my wife for a good Christmas gift. And my buddy goes, why don't you go to the, you know, that Jared's place. So the next day I'm handing her a $5 foot long with pickles and black olive. What the fuck? What am I going to do with that? Then this one just says Miley Cyrus, Taliban is right. I saw Miley Cyrus twerking, Taliban is right. It has to be a happy medium between her twerking and throwing acid in girls' faces when they want to go to school.

That's a good point. I should develop that one. I got a whole thing about jury duty. Obsession with tits. That's a great bit. I'm not going to do it for you. But that one's fully developed and ready. VD clinic story. I got a thing about funerals compared to wakes um i don't know that's some of them nfl and pink that whole thing how emasculating it is to watch

an nfl game i got a chunk on insomnia that's been killing. I got a Ray Rice chunk that you guys are going to love. I got a thing on methamphetamines. Ebola. I got a thing about black moms. Those are premises that I'm working on

for the next hour. I mean the next hour coming. You know what I mean? Not the next hour today. All right, kids, that's it. I have the frigging energy of fucking Lou Gehrig. That makes no sense. Anyways, that's it.

You've been wonderful as usual. I have four emails waiting. That's another thing, you know. I get emailed after 6 o'clock by my agent, so you know I'm right at the top of his priority list. What's the matter with these people? What's the matter with these people? All right.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! That's all I got. You know how I feel about you. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. You're tired!

You're tired! I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch. And you blew it! You blew it! You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps, after all, that is what love means.

And that is why I love you. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.