The Nick DiPaolo Show - 062 - Good Riddance 2014

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

Good Riddance 2014

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids. How are ya? Belated Merry Christmas to ya. Hope you had a good one. I'll tell ya. Let's get the plugs out of the way. Alrighty? This new hour of mine. Another senseless killing. I'll tell you. Let's get the plugs out of the way. All righty?

This new hour of mine. Another senseless killing. It's the last time I'll be doing this, by the way. I'm guessing. Go to nickdip.com. Click on the pre-order button. You can order my new special, Another Senseless Killing.

It's going to be available for online streaming and MP4 downloads on January 2nd. As an extra bonus, you also get the individual MP3 tracks of the entire special. But that's only if you pre-order before January 2nd. All of this is just five bucks, kids. You have the option to pay more if you'd like when you check out. So, like I said, the pre-order has been brisk, man. I'm pleasantly surprised. And some guy actually paid $101.

So God bless that son of a gun. That means I'm going to get a new pair of Air Jordans, which I will be shot for prudently. Yeah, so when you order, you'll immediately get a confirmation email, and on January 2nd, you'll receive a link with your download code, baby. So do that. It's a little late for a Christmas gift, but there's a gift button, too. If you hit that, you could send it to somebody, email it to them, the link. They get it on January 2nd.

But anyways, Christmas has passed. How was yours? 2014 has almost passed. Thank Christ. I don't know how you feel about it. That's how I feel about it. It's been a weird year. Hey, another Malaysian flight has disappeared.

Do you believe this shit? It was going from Indonesia to Singapore, but it's a Malaysian-based flight. As you know, they had one shot down. Another one disappeared over the Indian Ocean earlier this year. So if we can get de Blasio a ticket on this airline,

got to him quickly, maybe him and Sharpton put him in first class. That's creepy, isn't it? What's going on? You know, we're talking about when the original one disappeared. Me and a couple of comedians and saying, that's kind of crazy. That never happens. But I was like, wait a minute.

We have something called the Bermuda Triangle. I don't know if commercial flights have ever disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle, but I know a lot of other planes have. And apparently this latest thing, this Indonesia to Singapore route, they took off about 46 minutes into it. The pilot requested, he was in stormy weather, wanted to go up and ascend another like 4,000 feet. And he was told not to because there might have been a flight in the area above him or something.

And that's the last they heard. They think it's at the bottom of the Java Ocean, which, by the way, is known for, it's kind of the Bermuda Triangle of the east. Bermuda Triangle of the East. Okay, and my question is, if you know that, and planes have disappeared over this body of water, why would you ever fly over it again? Once would be enough for me. But this is very odd, isn't it?

I mean, it's horrible. And you think about the families waiting on the other end. It's just horrendous. I got to believe weather brought this one down. But what the hell would you ever get on a Malaysian-based plane ever again? I mean, once, okay, three, well, one of them was shot down. That was no mystery. But still, Jesus, what's that stock worth?

Christ almighty. So, yeah. stockworth christ almighty so um yeah more sad news around the holidays so uh anyways hope your christmas was good went up to the in-laws on christmas eve and it's sad sad for my wife because as you know we talked about this we had lost brother, my brother-in-law Bobby, tragically, in July, at the end of July of this year. So it's very tough, very tough on the whole family. And it's that first round of holidays without him. And it's, you know, sad. But they're're tough they're tough family my mother-in-law is pretty tough and uh andy's sisters and uh they did they did pretty well my you know my wife still

has her i think she does a lot of crying that she doesn't tell me about but um you know so it's kind of uh a little blue but But we got through it. Went up to my parents up in the Boston area on Christmas Day. And, you know, you know how it is when you go home. It's your parents. I laugh because the TV, you know, your parents used to come in when you were a kid and turn the TV down. Now I do it to them. It's like on 11.

Nobody has a problem with it. And it's so funny because I like to sleep on the couch downstairs. My parents have a TV room, and I sleep like a baby on the couch. So I always choose that over one of the bedrooms and let my wife have the bedroom so i'm downstairs but the problem is my mother she gets up at uh get this kids 5 a.m her whole life her whole life 5 a.m she's up like a goddamn marine drill sergeant and there's a bathroom downstairs in the tv room and for some reason she prefers that one over the brand new one that they just had remodeled upstairs so it's like quarter of six five thirty i have these feet coming down i'm like jesus christ here she comes

into the bathroom doing her business whatever putting her makeup on at 5 30 i don't know what the hell she's doing if i still don't understand one-arm push-ups i think she's doing some chin-ups and uh stretching exercise deep knee bends for about 20 minutes i don't know what's going on in that bathroom then back up the stairs and back down again and then the tv goes on upstairs in the kitchen it's the local you know the local weather but i can hear it from downstairs but uh but i gotta go she gave me fear warning she goes look you know how i am i'm up at 5 a.m so you better sleep in that bedroom upstairs and but uh you know i like to watch tv to 132 you know how i

am and uh god bless him but uh it's just fun watching people that have been married over 50 years together. Mom just pecking away at the old man, chipping his balls away like a piece of block of ice. Just chirping away. My father looked at me rolling his eyes. Just belly laughing. I don't know how they did it, but they did it. So, yeah. Hung out there for a day and a half.

Ate like animals. What did I get for Christmas? I got a black rotary phone, one of the old ones, only it's not really rotary. It's a push button, but it's in a circle like a rotary phone. But it's the, you know, the phone itself is one of those old style ones from the 60s and 70s or whatever. I asked for it, by the way. It's my way of rebelling against all the fucking cell phone nonsense. So that's on my desk.

Look like Angela Lansbury sitting here with that type of phone. I should get one of those old typewriters. What else did I ask for? Oh, Johnny Carson DVDs. You know the ones you see late at night? It's like 25 hours or 20 hours of The Tonight Show. Got those.

And I will, when I have time, I'll be putting those on at 11.30 p.m., pretending it's 1983, last time I was happy, and, don't I have that music somewhere, probably do, but I'll tell you what, I don't have a producer to pull it up, motherless tits, but, but um yeah so what else did i ask for uh what else sweats but my wife buys me large and they look like something shaquille o'neal would be wearing they're like 11 sizes too big i don't know what she was thinking. Fucking horrendous.

Gray old ones, kind of like Rocky had in the first Rocky movie. They were champion, but I don't like them. They're like straight leg. They're too hip hop for me. Give me a pair of tight sweats. If that's even possible. But yeah, I got all this workout shit every time i work has another thing now i really i don't know what happened i was the healthiest person

i was the healthiest person i ever knew and uh all of a sudden every time i work out now i get this like uh like these little rash on my torso kind of like a fungus i guess it might be technically ringworm maybe i don't know never had it before but uh that happened like a year ago went to a skin doctor and stuff and supposedly no big deal and you put some ointment on it but i don't know where that's coming from like i said i have the immune system of uh freddie mercury circa 1986 and uh so i wanted to burn all my old sweat clothes who knows what kind of microorganism although i wash the shit every time i use it i don't know what it is between that and the shingles i'm like i'm like ben hur's mother living in a cave with leprosy fucking horrendous

um I'm like Ben Hur's mother living in a cave with leprosy Fucking horrendous Look at me looking for the Tonight Show I seem preoccupied It's because I'm looking for the Tonight Show music On the first Clips I pulled and I probably dumped it I guess I did What an ass What else

I just feel guilty I think I did. What an ass. What else? I just feel guilty. I think I mentioned this last time. I've been giving my wife her gifts because she, like, you know, she literally pulls them off the website, prints out a page, what she wants, so I won't fuck it up where the website is to order it and everything. So, like I said, I'm like a waiter at a restaurant taking an order. Okay, I'll have the riding crop and the boots. I'll just write it down and just, you know, go downstairs and order it.

How anticlimactic is that when I hand her her gifts? Here's the shit that, you know, I ordered instead of you. That's the only difference. But I got some type of gloves that she asked for for riding her horse. I don't know. They look like regular gloves to me. I think it's a bunch of horse shit.

Titanic blanket she wanted. You know, Victoria Trading Post. Victorian Trading post or whatever titanic blanket it's like a blanket they had on the titanic i guess so why the fuck would you want that yeah let me get you a barf bag from the hindenburg the fuck you want a titanic blanket for i just feel like as soon as she falls asleep on the couch, I'll hit her with a bucket of water. Go, there you go.

And now does it feel authentic? Then I got her a, oh, she wanted a white noise machine. She swears that she can hear the cars. We don't live far from the Taconic. In the summer and in the summertime the trees the woods are full but uh she swears when come wintertime and the leaves are gone that you know it does create a sound barrier in the summertime but now she says she can hear uh cars at like five in the morning and which to me is baloney I think it's two cars every hour at that hour

on the Taconic way up here, and he's bumfuck. So she wanted a white noise machine. And I said, why don't I just, you know, why don't I just wake up a little earlier than you and just sit there next to you going, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Yeah, white noise machine. Ha ha, anyways. That's what it does. Sounds a lot like an appliance in your kitchen, you know, when you dishwash.

I don't know. Apparently it helps her sleep. Maybe I should fucking try one uh what else oh then i got her a couple things of my own a full length size like heating pad that's romantic huh how romantic is that to warm your old bones that i don't jump on anymore yeah lay on this motherfucker heating a fucking fulllength heating pad it's like a blanket i don't know the difference between an electric blanket and a full-length heating pad but it covers her she has like neck problems and upper back problems she was in a car accident

years ago and uh yeah i tried to hit her in a parking lot after a movie we had a fight no she could ram from behind in la by some car and fucked up her neck anyways so i got her that she didn't ask for that and i think she was really happy about it because i woke up today the dog is laying on it in the garage and uh then i and i got her also i got a print a print of a of a postage stamp a french postage stamp with the eiffel tower on it you guys can probably google this shit and go is this what he bought her spent 31 total on this bro um no it's pretty awesome my wife loves france she's been there a couple times without me i think she might have a boyfriend over there but what are you gonna do you know how they are those dirty french pictures balls stink

anyways uh so yeah i got the eiffel tower print that's it's in our kitchen right next to a picture of elvis taking a dump on a bulldog um what else uh new year's eve uh i'm looking at my list of things to talk about that's it it. So that was Christmas. What was it, 68 degrees? As you get older, these things become less and less memorable, don't they? We used to always either have a party at my parents' house with, you know, 40 people, or my sister Gina, but all my family, my brother lives in Ohio now, sister Gina, but all my family.

My brother lives in Ohio now, and my sister Donna is down in the Philly area, and I still got a couple of sisters up in Massachusetts, but everybody has their own family and whatnot, and, you know, we're spread out all over the country, so we all do our own thing. The closeness is not there. And it's when you need it as you get older, to me. So I'm nervous about flying.

I'm going out to L.A. next week. I don't know. I see this Malaysia shit and all kinds of stuff. Between that and Ebola, Al-Qaeda threatening, all kinds of new shit. Gonna go to L.A. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna have a panic attack on the plane.

Like, you know who did. The Midnight Run. Remember this scene? Why don't you just try and relax? Child's grown and narrow in first class. Just calm down. Child's grown and narrow in first class. This is me. I'm Jet Blue.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. Just relax. Just relax. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't pull that shit on me. No, no, no, no, no. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. No.

Get over there. I can't. These things go down. All right. These things go down. Yeah, I'm dreading that flight. I'll get to that in a few minutes. New Year's Eve.

What are you doing, kids? Let me look at my book. I want to see where I went last year. Date-wise. What gigs I like. Which ones I didn't like. Back in January. Well, St. Bart's.

I was on vacation. Took 10 days. Actually, we scheduled for seven and we extended it a couple and we were enjoying it so much meanwhile and then i came home and back in january 2014 i went from st bart's uh to uncle vinnie's in toms river new jersey and here's the funny thing again i'm on three hours sleep i have no fucking memory i don't even remember doing an Uncle Vinny's in Tom's River. I don't remember a gig in Tom's River, New Jersey. I don't know if it was a restaurant.

I can't picture it. The next night I was at the Mohegan Sun. That's a treehouse gig. And that's the one that was packed. It started almost 45, 50 minutes late. I wrote down a note here. Started 50 minutes late. That's how packed it was.

And so I expected this year when they booked me that they, you know, I would get a better deal. Because they made a ton of money, okay? A ton of money. Packed. And the money was the same. So I said, kiss my ass. And I'm not doing that one again. It's too bad because it was actually,

I enjoyed the crowd. I enjoyed the Mohegan Suns nice, but I'm not going back. Fuck that. I will sell weed to my nieces and nephews. I swear on the lives of my grandchildren. What else did I do? I did the Boomer and Carton event a few nights later

at the Hammerstein Ballroom, and I ate a bag of shit. I didn't like that place. I had done it before. The ceiling is like 3,000 feet high, and the audience is really far away from you. When I got there, I remember that. That's when Michael Che went on before me and probably destroyed the joint.

And I just, that was a boomer and carton gig. And I just didn't have one of my better sets. Then again, I hadn't been on stage. Well, that's not true. That was four nights later. There goes that excuse. But those are good guys. I'd do it again for them.

I hope they do it in a different place. Then I did Magoobies in February. No, I did an episode of Louie, February 5th. Magoobies, that's outside of Baltimore. Good gig. I'll do it again this year if they'll have me back. Love the guy that runs it. He's a real neurotic guy, big, bald, and Jewish guy with glasses, and he does a nice job every time i'm there he's remodeling the joint but uh it's a good club he puts a good effort and he treats the comedians good and uh i suggest you go to mcgobie's if you live in that area and then i did a uh comedy shop gig the next weekend in New Jersey. The routing is beautiful, isn't it?

Then I did another Patrice benefit I did last. I don't know if I'm doing that again. Haven't heard from anybody. Then in March, what did I do? It's probably boring you, but I just like to see what I did. The Suffolk Theater in Riverhead, which I'm doing in a month or so, I believe. Riverhead, New York. That's on the ass end of Long Island.

I loved it. This ornate little theater. It was gorgeous. Crowd was great. Loved it. And then the next night, I went to the comedy festival in Worcester, Massachusetts. Which was great, because I got to work with all my Boston buddies. That was pretty cool. And then at the end of that month, I went to Sidesplitters in Tampa. That's owned by a guy

named Bobby Jewell, who I absolutely love. He played football. Where did he play football? Is it Wagner? Is that on Staten Island? He's a New Yorker though. Diehard Yankee fan. And he never booked me for years because he always offered shit money. And I said, who is this bastard? I used to say no twice a year for 15 years. And then he finally raised the money that I asked for, and I hit it off with this guy. I mean, I love this guy. He's a diehard New Yorker. The minute I get down there, he takes me to a steakhouse, introduces me to everybody. He's like the mayor down there. And just a cool dude who drinks scotch like it's fucking lemonade. And I'll be doing that gig again, I think in June of 2015. But Bobby Jewell. Go to SideSplitters in Tampa.

It's one of my favorite joints. And then I came back at the beginning of April. Actually, I did Caroline's for good money. Oh, my God. But I remember getting upset in the middle of the weekend because there were people on their cell phones. Nobody was policing the room. They didn't treat.

They ran the room into the ground in my opinion there wasn't even a like i said a walkway for the for me to get to the stage it was like i felt like the comedian was last on priority list care and i got really pissed because i've been friends with uh lewis the guy that runs it and carolyn and i still love them both dearly but i sent an angry email right in the middle of the weekend telling them to get out of the business and these are the type of decisions that i make that have me um doing my own radio show from my basement mama luke but um anyways then i did uncle vinnie's in point pleasant the following that's down at the ass and new New Jersey. That's Jerry and Dino. I got to call them and ask them about the Tom's River.

I don't even remember doing that, what that room was like, whether I liked it or not. But Point Pleasant's always a good gig. It's a great little room. And the audience brings their own booze. How funny is that? I always make the joke, I go, when did the fireworks start? You got your fucking blankets with you? Everybody has yoohoo uh what do you call it yeah yeah yahoo cooler they have one of those uh you know those coolers and then they're pulling guy in front of me he's

making his own black russians at the table like in the front row and then i went out and one of my rare west coast appearances i did the improv in tempe, Arizona, which is a good, good gig. That's a beautiful club. That's where I did the Young Comedian special on HBO back in the day, back in the early 50s, me and Jack Parr and Soupy Sales. Who else was on that show? Sid Caesar, I think, emceeded. That was the Dana Carby Young Comedian special.

Janine Garofalo was on it, And a few people have hit it big. Ray Romani over here. Maybe Judd Apatow. Bill Bellamy. He's had probably a good one. And me and Andy Kindler. Fighting for last place as far as commercial success goes. Oh, my sister's ass.

Then I did Harris in Atlantic City with Bob Kelly. See, I want to do that one again. Me and Bob have a good time together. It's a funny dude. Bobby's going to have a big year this year. He's on a show that Dennis Larry's doing on FX. And I think he's got a special coming out on Comedy Central. And you know what?

He's a good guy. He deserves it. Works hard. He's got a wife, got a baby, got two black cousins, and a Puerto Rican maid. So... Uh... What else did I do in May of 2014?

I hosted the Laura Ingraham show. Holy shit, that was back in May. And you know what? Never heard from those people again. Don't think they cared for me. Maybe it's because I spent the first 20 minutes shitting on, uh, how faggy NBC and sitcoms, how woman-worshipping they are. She probably didn't dig that. She's a conservative, but she's also a feminist.

And, yeah, nobody ever gave me any feedback. So that was kind of disappointing. Oh, thank Christ. oh thank christ and i met a kid down in the city and i was doing stand-up new york and he he does gigs up in westchester i said i need a room up here that's convenient to me oh i did an episode of louis in june too i guess i don't know maybe that was a residual check i can't read my own book but then i did a gig a gig uh yeah at the beginning of June up here in Westchester thinking it would be something I could do on a regular basis and I got there and it was like a sports bar

and it was loud and obnoxious and just the sound system was fucking horrendous it was like me talking into a walkie talkie and it was just I was hoping it would be something that I could do up here on a regular basis save me from driving into the city.

And Joey List, my protege, he did his first Letterman on June 4th. You're welcome, Joe. I'm only kidding. But I actually went to that, and he did a great job, Joey. Then I did the Fort Lauderdale, improv in Fort Lauderdale. I actually got around a little bit last year. Made bonus money. Hope it's still open.

I thought somebody said that might have been in trouble. No, it couldn't have been. That place is a gold mine. Had my car serviced on the 18th. Got a check from Riotcast, really? Hosted the Dennis Miller show on July 8th. And then the following day, I flew to Montreal and did the first week of the, I did nasty shows

from the 9th to the 13th, and then I came home for a week, had my liver enzymes tested. What the fuck? This is weird, folks. Sorry. And then I went back up to Montreal and did the second half of the nasty shows.

We did a ton of them, like 15 of them or whatever. And that was July. Then August, my favorite gig of the year. It was my favorite gig of the year. And if I shoot another thing special, I'm hoping to do it at this place. The Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefieldfield connecticut which is about a half hour from me and it was awesome it was packed it was beautiful it was quaint one of those theaters that feels like it feels intimate but it's a good size theater um and then i did the improv

in atlanta in august because that's what my agent does. He sends me to Atlanta in August and to Syracuse in February. I think he gets a kick out of that. And then I came home from there. I did Anthony Comey's show, and that was the night my brother-in-law was killed, the 26th of August. Not a good day, not a good night.

Good day as far as doing Anthony's show, but horrible. Then I did one of my favorite gigs of the year also, Zany's in Chicago. The original Zany's downtown. And then they had that satellite room, which is uh near o'hare airport in rosemont that was a great that was a very memorable uh week that was fun i'd do that again i gotta remind my agent i think he i don't know if he writes these things down and again in between all these gigs obviously i was at the cellar and the stand working on new shit, and then I did comics at Foxwoods, that gig is losing its shine, it's just, I can't explain it, the last couple times I've been there, you get that friggin', I don't know, that audience

that goes to a casino to gamble, has never been to a stand-up show, they wander in with their plastic hips and their oxygen tanks, and then you got young people who are drunk and i don't know it's a fucking i don't know about that one that one's on the fence i mean if you live in that area it's the only gig in town so i suggest going to then i did laugh boston the following week which was a nice club in the western hotel it's an actual comedy club though its week, which was a nice club in the Westin Hotel. It's an actual comedy club, though, its own comedy. I mean, a nice, a big room. And yeah, I'd like to do that one again.

Laugh Boston. Jesus, pretty good October. And then me and the wife went up to Seneca Falls and did that casino at the Seneca Casino in Niagara Falls, New York. And that was awesome. That was another, my second favorite gig probably of the year. And the next night, drove over to Albany to do the Comedy Works. It wasn't the actual Comedy Works. It's the guy that runs the Comedy Works.

It was a new room he was trying out somewhere in Albany. But I'm actually doing the Comedy Works, I think, in a month or two up in Albany this year. So check it out. And then November, the Stress Factory, you heard about that. I talked about it. Vinny with his three-hour shows. But that place was packed to the nines. And it's a killer room

but don't know if I'm going back because I don't want to spend fucking four hours in a closet. The Brokerage, Belmore, Long Island, the following weekend, always a great time but that was the night

there was a guy who, you know, apparently was connected like everybody in Long Island and was, you know, threatening to cut my head off. And my boy James had to calm him down. And, you know, James, he's the guy that, you know, I think he grew up like in Bensonhurst. And he's one of my favorite characters. And he's the guy when his son said, Dad, there's a bird's nest up in the awning, and he said, get the bleach.

And the following weekend, I did Uncle Vinny's again down in Point Pleasant, one of my favorite gigs. That's the one where they bring their own booze. I actually stop off at a liquor store on the way there, like right around the corner from the club, and I guzzle like a 16-ounce Heineken just to get in the mood. Come on. After 26 years, I'm playing in an Italian restaurant for the love of Jesus. Can you blame me? And the following weekend, I did the comedy shop

at the Regency House Hotel in Pompton, New Jersey, which was actually a good gig by my buddy James DiBenedetto, who does a nice job of these gigs. I bust his chops because he told me the show was at 8. I get there at like fucking 7.30 and the show's at 9. And I don't go out until 9.40, so I was a little upset.

Busted his chops. Hope he didn't take it personally, but he had it coming. And that was it december i'm i stuck around here this past month i'm doing gotham tomorrow night i don't know if that's a mistake driving into new york city then the eve of chris the eve of new year's eve that might be a bitch but i haven't done much well i did the stand and the cellar and all those things. And I quit smoking on December 3rd, by the way.

Haven't had one since. Not that I'm a heavy smoker, but I've talked about that. I'm an occasional smoker. I'll give you guys a treat. Let me play a... Nah, I'll do it at the end when I plug my DVD again. New Year's Eve. Staying home, I guess.

Again, I haven't worked on New Year's Eve in quite a few years. When I was young, I always did it because they pay you almost double. A little inside information for you kids. But I haven't done it for a while. People, I don't know. The last time I did it, and this was years ago, they handed out

noisemakers before the show. Who would have guessed people were fucking blowing those? The maturity level of a 12th grade retarded fuck blowing his noisemakers

during the show. But I had some good ones that I enjoyed. Not for a long time. My favorite, one of my favorite gigs i did the the uh comedy works up in montreal on new year's a couple years in a row it was the best because the club was upstairs from this guy jimbo ran the bar and the club upstairs he owned it

so you do the gig you do he made you do two on new year's eve but then after that second gig you get downstairs to the bar and of course if you're the headliner you drink for nothing and this guy could drink anybody under the table still one of my favorite people haven't talked to him in years but um there was a fireplace in the room there was one of those twist hockey games i remember taking on all the uh people from montreal on the twist hockey you know the bubble the big plastic bubble hockey you know what i'm talking about the table top thing i remember playing that for like six hours taking on the canadian fans because you know how much us bruins fans hate those fuckers and jimbo would just be handing me drink after drink and he'd be

drinking two to my one never seen anything like like it. And there was a fireplace there. And it was young broads all over the place. Again, before I had any, you know, commitments. And I remember it's 6.37 in the morning. And the fire's still going. And it's still like 10, 15 people in the bar doing shots and shit. And then just escorting a lady out to my hotel across the street. Those were the days, my friends, I thought would never end.

And then somebody introduced me to Pure Horse. What? Eh. Yeah. That was my favorite New Year's Eve gig. Did it a couple years in a row. Yeah, that food stamp all night. And then watch the bowl games on a TV in that bar.

Go home, go back to the hotel, get a four or five hour sleep, then come back. And one of my other favorite New Year's Eve gigs was Boise, Idaho, the Funny Bone. I told you they put me up in this old hotel. It looked like something out of a Stephen King novel. The room was shaped like an octagon. This is before Ultimate Fighting Wrestling, although some wrestling did go on. It was me and this chick. I'd say she weighed about 170, 175, ball patch.

No, but Boise Funny Bone. It was a great little club. It had a balcony. It felt like a theater, but Bone was a great little club. It had a balcony. It felt like a theater, but it was a club. And yeah, this is when I used to bet. So all the games were on New Year's Day. So I remember I had a nice TV in my room. And well, relatively speaking. And I had money on like 10 bowl games.

And I mean substantial money for me. Not like Artie Lang money. And it was just awesome. Laid on that frigging giant bed. And had money on every goddamn game. Went downstairs. There was a bar in the basement of the hotel. Just ate, drank, back up to the room.

And I remember breaking even, I think. Uneventful. But it was fun to have money on every game. It was a fucking blast. I'd like to do that again, but I can't pick my ass. I think I had five, five right yesterday. Finally, it's over. The season's over.

Some girl named Denise won the whole thing. Yeah, Denise, because, you know, that shows you how much you have to know about football to do well. The Boise Funny Bone, that was on Green Bay. The Funny Bone on Green Bay one New Year's Eve. That was one of my favorite gigs too because the kicker for the Packers. Now, I can't remember who it was back then.

This is around 2001 or year 2000. I forget who. I want to say Longwell, but I don't think so. I think he came after. But he came to the show. And on stage, I said, hey, who's got tickets to the packers because they were playing tampa bay at lambeau field which was a on my bucket list even back then and uh sure

enough the kicker jesus how can i not know who that is came up to me after the game with a couple of other guys somebody that worked at the club knew him. And anyways, a couple of people that were at the show picked me up the next morning with tickets, and I got to go to Lambeau Field, and it was, I don't know, right around, the temperature was right around zero, I think, somewhere in there. And because I remember they had those heat things for me

to put on my boots, and it was fucking awesome. Got to go to Lambeau Field in frigging January They had those heat things for me to put on my boots. And it was fucking awesome. Got to go to Lambeau Field in frigging January to see a playoff game. Frigging awesome. It was as cool as you'd think it was. Went to a, went to, I told you, went to Lambeau Field to sit, right? Like in a residential area. It's like a picture of high school football field.

Right in the middle of a residential area it's like a picture of high school football field right in the middle of a residential area and uh went to a party before the game we got about a couple hours early went to this auto parts store this guy owned opened it up he had food it was like slicing corned beef and uh you know all kinds of hot food and a couple of kegs in in his auto parts store i mean it really was one of the best experiences of my life people could have been friendlier you know, all kinds of hot food and a couple of kegs in his auto parts store. I mean, it really was one of the best experiences of my life. People could have been friendlier. But you don't want to, by the way, you don't want to get drunk before, when it's zero degrees out. Because alcohol does, it's a depressant and it lowers your body temperature and it's a diuretic.

But anyways, I was fucked up and I enjoyed it. And what was another memorable new year's eve gig oh the improv in baltimore a kid opened for me who had i think he had ms and i mean bad where he could barely walk and he pulled himself up and stay took him like 10 minutes to get to the stage and i think you hear him you hear this guy still on serious play his stuff, he was funny as hell, and you're going, well Nick, why are you saying it like that,

just because he had MSME, well you know, sometimes you see these, they rely on their, you know, on sympathy laughters, this kid was just, damn,

goddamn funny, of course I had to go on, after him, when he brought me up, it took him like eight minutes, to get off the stage, and I went, oh it looks like somebody, dipped into the champagne a little early.

People actually laughed at it. Baltimore's kind of a mean city. I forget the guy's name, but he was very funny. And those are my favorite. I'm probably forgetting a few. I know I did the punchline in San Francisco one New Year year's eve and that's just haven't been back well i went back a few times after that when i was living in la that's a club i miss did well there sold tickets there and uh anyways but new year's eve is known for uh and this is not comedy related but it's known for that's when like

couples getting bad fights and shit. I always heard that. I remember Manny at the comedy cellar joking. He always had some of the worst fights with his wife on New Year's Eve. And I said, I didn't really know that was a thing. And he goes, oh yeah. And sure enough, I was living in Astoria, Queens and me and Andy, who wasn't my wife at the time, who is now, we had a knock-down drag-out, not Ray Rice type, no physical stuff, but as close as you can come. Yeah, I had got, I don't know, I cheated on her or something

with somebody on the road or some shit, and then she retaliated, cheated on her or something with somebody on the road some shit and then she uh retaliated cheated on me and just somehow uh chose new year's eve to tell me about it and you know being the grease ball that i am even though it was probably ancient history that had to be a year or two later no it might have been a year later. And I went fucking haywire. And we're screaming. Apparently, we were really loud because somebody called the cops on us. Yeah.

Somebody called the cops. And sure enough, they knock on my door. And they fucking, I remember, the guy was already staring about it and uh you know i said look officer fuck you no you know i am i respectably because that's the only time i think i've ever had a fight with a girl the cops had to intervene poor neighbors but um yeah that happens intervened. Poor neighbors. But, um, yeah, that happens a lot on New Year's Eve because, you know, couples drink and whatever.

That's how bored I am now on my New Year's Eves. We stay home and do nothing. But actually, I'm looking back on that and getting nostalgic. I actually miss having a nice fight. Isn't that sad? Anyways, Nostalgic. Actually miss having a nice fight. And that's sad. Anyways, and my other favorite New Year's Eve stories was, I told you that back in the 90s, my buddy had a place down in St. Martin,

and there was a girl we met at a bar from England. She worked for like Carnival Cruise Lines or one of those cruise lines. And she got drunk with us at the bar and she made a conscious decision to stay with us and not get back on her boat. It was her job. She quit right there.

That's the fuck she was thinking about. We didn't tell her till the end of the night that me and my buddy Tonyony were leaving the next day she's like i'll call you i'll call you you know we told we live in the boston area and my buddy tony got her phone number and he gave his phone number to her and long story short like a like a week later we're in our apartment in malden massachusetts watching tv like on a saturday the phone rings she's calling us from logan airport my buddy tony went and picked her up she was this cute girl from england and uh she ends up staying with tony i think i lived across the hall from tony in this building and yeah and uh she ended up staying my buddy tony and

proceeded to put on like 40 pounds in a three-month span she she was eating eating him out of house and it was it was the friggin funniest thing he kept coming over complaining that she was cleaning out his refrigerator every night she was a hardcore drunk and then she would eat every fucking morsel of food anyways we took her to the uh to the palace nightclub which was right near where we lived the building we lived in up at the granada highlands in malden it was like the hottest nightclub you know eight clubs under one roof that deal we took her there i i was seeing this girl michelle at the time and her friend peggy who were a couple of tough chicks good

looking chicks from lynn massachusetts they're a little crazy anyways long story short we're at the palace all of a sudden I hear screaming and glasses being knocked over and shit I look over my girlfriend Michelle has this girl from England by the hair both her and Peggy have the girl by the hair tearing her hair out of her head and she's ripping my girlfriend's dress oh classic night classic we must have rented a limo because i remember being in a limo that night maybe the girls rented it and with my girlfriend with like a fucking scratch on a shoulder and a ripped dress strap saying i'll fucking kill that english twat oh i don't know what went wrong what sparked it it, probably, you know, I don't know, I don't want to get into details, but that was a beauty, and then, uh,

my other New Year's Eve story that I've told on this before when I was gambling a little bit, um, same place, Granada Highlands, the apartment up in Malden. We lived up on a hill. My buddy Al Barbro and his dad lived in an apartment in the unit next to us. Went over there. They were hardcore gamblers. Al was like betting when he was like 12 years old.

His dad was a street guy. We all had money on Notre Dame versus Colorado. It's either 1990, 91, or 93. You can Google it. Notre Dame versus Colorado for the national championship. Anyways, I was already down $1,600, and that was my net worth, basically. So I was chasing money I didn't even have. I tried to double down on the Notre Dame Colorado game, and Rocket Ismail returned a punt with about three minutes left to put Notre Dame ahead. We all had Notre Dame. We're jumping hugging each other remember turning around all of a sudden we all look at the tv and there's a close-up of a yellow flag on the field sure enough they called a block

in the back a clip what else on a punt play and uh so the touchdown didn't count. Anyways, long story short, I lose. So I'm minus $3,200. I don't even have that kind of money. My buddy Al had like, he had like five grand on the game. His old man had like $7,500. And me and Al, I remember Al tipping over a coffee table. His father disappeared quietly into the bedroom. Comes back out like half hour later.

You can smell his guinea cologne. He's got a sweatsuit on. He looks at me and his son. He goes, what are you going to fucking cry about? It's only money. We go, and Al Jr. goes, Dad, where are you going? He goes, I'm going to Mary's. See some cunts. Shuts the door.

Oh. And those are my New Year's Eve stories. God, was I upset. I didn't have that kind of money. This was me going to bed that night. Fucking unemployed. I just quit selling door-to-door. Oh, come on, Nick.

It's only money. Horrible. I mean, horrible. Yeah, those are my New Year's Eve memories. So, heading out to LA, I don't know, next week? I don't know, time's flying. By the way, I'm still waking up in the middle of the night. It's fucking killing me. I'm aging at mark speed here i've been doing that kava shit and once again i don't know i tried advil pm and kava together i don't know five o'clock might be my prostate bobby kelly said

that jokingly like six months ago and I already went through that prostate shit in my 30s or whatever 40s and uh today when I woke up I had to piss and I'm like but most of the times when I wake up I don't have to piss I'll lay there and toss and turn for a half hour then have to piss so I kind of vagina uh so yeah I'll be heading out to LA because I'm gonna do a Joe Rogan podcast on the 6th of January and then two days later I'm doing Adam Carolla's and haven't really scheduled anything else didn't really plan it not a good marketer folks not an organized person it's why I do this for a living But I should have lined up a bunch of shit. But never heard from Dom Herrera.

Might be doing Billy Burrs. I got to talk to him again. Hopefully I'll do. That'll be worth it. Those three. It's like doing a goddamn TV show. Probably go on at the comedy store if I feel like it. I don't know.

I don't feel the need. I don't know. Place depresses me. I've been there many times. LA though. feel like it i don't know i don't feel the need i don't know place depresses me i've been there many times la though remember the day i left there i was having like i said i was literally having an argument with myself on the shower with like an imaginary agent my wife actually heard me talking to myself and that's when i said i have to get the fuck on like a week later i was gone um i lived at three or four different places and i was i was in la from 95 to 99 luckily with my wife who wasn't my wife at the time but i'm glad she came out um i lived in a few different places first on doheny in la and i told you the guy that did

my headshots that lived in my building on 125 north doheny he lived he lived on the top floor he he was an actor in his days like a handsome older italian guy and uh he was like detective rizzo on kojak or something. Rizzo. Anyways, I go in his apartment, and he had all these pictures of Michelle Pfeiffer when she was like 22. All these people who are famous now. He did their headshots and shit, but then he'd get busted.

He'd get busted for running prostitutes out of that apartment. He did my headshots up on the roof of that building. The one that's hanging at the comedy cellar on the wall, when you go to the comedy cellar before you go into the room, there's a picture of me. It's like a profile shot, black and white. He did that on the roof of his building,

and it's still on the wall of the comedy cellar. But I think he got popped for running prostitutes, this kid told me, that lived in the building. Cool guy. Liked him. Loved the ladies, and they loved him apparently and then i uh i had a place on uh my first joint was venice beach that's before i went out that's when i went out on my own for like in the early 90s i told you that whole story i broke up with my girlfriend i did Arsenio Hall three times in six months.

I thought I was going to be the next fucking Woody Allen. And ended up living on Venice Beach in a basement apartment. And broke up with her. Then wanted her back and couldn't get her back. I'm calling her house in New Hampshire, waking her parents up at three in the morning, cursing them. Her father's like, no, she's gone for the weekend with this guy Dave down the, he knew how to torture me. And I had it coming because I, you know,

fucked around on her. I wasn't a good, wasn't a good boyfriend. And oh, did he torture me. And I had it coming too. But I was so sad. I'd fly home all the way to Boston and drive to New Hampshire to try to get her back like a psycho.

And I lived on Venice Beach. And I told you that whole story. It was just like Swingers, that movie Swingers. My friends are trying to get me out on the weekends because I was sitting in there literally in a wife beater

against the wall. I hadn't shaved, hadn't eaten, hadn't showered in like seven, eight days. Just horrendous. I got up and I ran six miles on that jogging path

along the beach that you see in every movie. I was 170-something pounds. And just the last time I was in the weight I wanted to be. Is that what it takes? But I've had some horrible memories. That was the worst, that Venice Beach. So much so, I came back to to New York lived for a couple years then went back out in 95 the whole four years I was out there from 95 to 99 never went to Venice

Beach that's how much I had such horrible memories of that place like it'll be a Sunday afternoon 95 degrees and I'd look out my I'd go out towards the beach and the cops shut down the beach because of gang activity it was such a fucking horrible place. Mental illness running rampant. People trying to sell you shit. Just fucking hated it. I loved the bike path, though. It was the most beautiful place to run because you had chicks on rollerblades,

just like you see in those movies like Baywatch. Girls going by with strings up their asses on roller skates. Of course, I hadn't showered in 10 days and they couldn't tell the difference between me and a homeless guy. Yeah, that was on Venice Beach.

What was the name of that fucking complex? It was so horrible. But the last memory, I actually had one good memory from there. The day I decided to move back,

you know, selling my stuff and I wanted to sell my, I put an ad in the paper to sell my bed. And this girl comes by to buy my bed and she's fucking smoking hot. I invite her in. I have wine because I was single then. I have wine in the fridge. Well, you next, you know, drinking and having sex in the bed that she's going to fucking buy. I know that sounds like a penthouse thing but it's an

absolute true story it's the only positive thing I can think of about my experience in LA it was the fucking best she gave me a ride to

the airport the next day it was the day before I was leaving tied her mattress to the roof or whatever I can't remember if she

had a pickup whatever the fuck she was from Texas gives me a ride to the roof, whatever the, I can't remember if she had a pickup, whatever the fuck. She was from Texas. Gets me right to the airport the next night. Oh, God help us. As I sit here and pinch my fat. Then I lived at the Sierra Bonita.

I lived in West Hollywoodllywood that was horrible horrible um andy helped me move in there actually that's the place i told you i move in the guy goes you're a comedian huh well there's a comedian that lives right next to you and i go who uh something hedberg is i got never heard of him this is before before anybody knew who Mitch was. And I didn't know either. And he was my neighbor in this building. I told you the whole story that I used to bang on the wall. His girlfriend would be playing guitar with like some girls or whatever. He did a whole joke about it and let him in.

Anyways, that apartment, I'll never forget. Me and Andy, my now wife, one night, it's like two in the morning all of a sudden and again it's west hollywood people get mugged and shit that's what i didn't like about la you felt like you could get violated anywhere but it was kind of you know west holly kind of seedy we had a back i had a back alley right off the i'm on the ground floor and uh i had these sliding glass doors that led to this alley behind my building, and it's like 2 in the morning. All of a sudden, we hear glass smashing, and me and Andy sit up,

and I'm like, what the fuck, and more glass smashing, and it's getting louder, and we hear trash cans, and we hear stuff smashing, more glass, and it's getting louder. I go, this is a fucking crackhead.

He's going to kill me. I remember we get out of the bed, and I remember Andy ducking down behind the bed, it was like, I had a mattress and a box spring on the floor, she's like hiding behind it, I'm behind it with her, waiting for this, just waiting for whoever's coming down the fucking thing to come in, and it just, and all of a sudden I can see stuff smashing on outside my glass doors, smashing on outside my glass doors, right onto my little cement deck. All of a sudden, like, I'm like, what the fuck?

And so I get up, and I go over by the sliding glass doors, and I see all of a sudden a jar of mayonnaise smashes, then a wine bottle and shit, and just more and more shit's raining down. So we call the cops, because that's what you do when you don't hate cops, or even if you do hate cops, because they're going to help you anyways. Not to editorialize here. But anyways, the cops come, and then they go around the back. The stuff was still smashing. At my front door, they could hear it.

So they run around the back. Turns out it was two gay guys having a fight because I talked to the cop after. There were two gay guys. It's West Hollywood. Having a fight and they were fucking furious. One of them just started throwing shit out of his boyfriend's refrigerator down. You know, it wasn't aiming at my apartment intentionally, but that's where it was all landing.

And the next day, there was all these magazines, like gay magazines and shit all over the fucking, mixed in with the wine the wine bottles took me like fucking hour and a half to clean the shit up that's la for you oh and the other time i lived on venice beach the guy upstairs used to beat up his girlfriend i think i've told this story but then one so i confronted him i could hear her screaming one night and i see him out by the pool so i go out and confront the fucking guy all of a sudden he gets in a karate stance and he's like what what did he fucking ask me um what's schooling you know he meant fighting what type of fucking martial arts and i'm like i'm standing there you know i'm standing there in the pose like i'm fucking uh in there you know i'm standing there in the pose like i'm fucking uh jack dempsey in 1936 and he's got some karate kung fu shit and uh you know i confronted him about him and he's

trying to fucking deny it and uh then he puts his hands down and uh you know we come nose to nose and then i we both calm down. An old lady yelled out the window. And then we go back in the building. And, you know, of course, he's still denying it and shit. And then he tries to get my face again. And I put my hands around his fucking neck against the fucking wall. And he's got his hands around my neck and and then again

we we let go of each other and doors started opening in the fucking hallway and shit and uh that's that's la in a nutshell that's how it felt to me it's very turbulent and fucking but you could i used to hear his girlfriend i'd hear stuff smashing and her fucking crying and then banging on the floor and she was definitely you know fucking roughing her up scumbag um those are my LA stories, and then again on Venice Beach, I told you about the homeless guy on the bike, I'm pulling out of a parking lot, of course I'm going, I'm exiting out the enter entrance,

and here comes a homeless black guy, on like a 10 speed bike, he has plenty of time to avoid me, I guess they do this all the time out there, but he rides right into the side of my car, and goes flying over the hood. It was so obvious he did it on purpose, but sure enough, there's a cop car right there. All of a sudden, there's a bunch of people around. I'm out, you know, and I know exactly what this frigging homeless guy was trying to do, but the cop's like, you were pulling out of the wrong way, and he's chilling me out and shit, but then they couldn't

get an address on this guy. He had no known known address and shit they told me to forget about it thank god god bless the cops out there that was venice beach too those are my la stories kid um i had some good times out there news radio i mean i mentioned joe rogan i remember going on that audition and I had some good times out there. News radio. I mentioned Joe Rogan. I remember going on that audition. I think he pulled a few strings for me. I played his brother. We ended up wrestling in a kitchen and shit. That was fun.

We'll talk about that when I go out there. I had a deal with Tony Danza's company, Katie Face Productions. I actually got to go to his house. Was it Sherman Oaks? I don't know. It was a a beautiful house he was out back like he had a pitching machine he was hitting softballs sat on his couch with him drinking Heineken's it was so it was pretty surreal to see you know seeing this guy on tv my whole life as a kid and I'm sitting next to him on his couch then i remember like a year later i had an audition and he was in it i reintroduced myself and he remembered and um he sensed that i was nervous during the audition so

he licked his thumb and wiped my face that's something like that actors will do if they were the young actor or actress who seems nervous at an audition that's supposed to relax you and kind of gross me out and throw me off but uh i don't know why i'm telling you all these la stories um by the way somebody took a couple shots at a cop car in LA yesterday. Last night, somewhere in South LA. So it looks like the stupidity spreading from New York, the anti-cop sentiment. And the other funny story, LA related today in the paper, a guy stole a hearse somewhere in LA

in front of a funeral home. There's a hearse idling. He steals it with a body in the casket in the back. And the family that's going to the funeral hears it on the radio, and they chase the guy down. Can you imagine you're dead in a casket, and you can't get away from the crime?

What the fuck? That one had me cackling, though. Gotta admit. Anyways, kids, that's about it. Have a great New Year's Eve. Sports-wise, I didn't really touch on that. You know, Patriots laid down against Buffalo yesterday. Steelers beat the Bengals.

I don't know. you know the whole setup but uh it's the college football that you want to watch coming up on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day you get Ohio State first number one Alabama you understand how good a matchup that is and then Oregon who's only lost one game and uh against Florida State, who's undefeated. They haven't lost in a couple years. Those are the final four. This is the first year of the playoffs. I like Alabama over Ohio State, only I don't think it's going to be as easy as usual.

I don't know. Although, get this. Ohio State has like a freshman. They have their third string quarterback playing the first two get injured this year he's the third string but he lit up Wisconsin so but he has to go against Nick Saban who's had about a month to prepare for Ohio State

that could be a doozy and Oregon and Florida State Oregon runs like 10 plays a minute against Florida State and James Winston, that punk quarterback who I can't stand. But what a team, and boy, can he throw it. He can wing it. So those are the final four.

Whoever wins those meet up for the national championship, which I think is until January 12th. But anyways, so that's's gonna be friggin awesome I think in in the NFL you get like the Steelers and Ravens and Bengals and Colts Patriots get a bye and I think Denver got a bye too and uh and the AFC so to be, uh, and then you get Dallas. Detroit has to go to Dallas. And, um,

who the hell else? And the NFC, Oh, Seattle, of course, Seattle. I think they have a home field advantage throughout the playoffs and the Packers. I might be wrong on that one,

but I think the Packers get a bye too. All right, kids. That is it. Let me give you a little treat. Let me play a... I guess I'll play a clip from another Senseless Killing. It's available for a pre-order on iTunes, too.

The album is. And we give away this instant gratification track. And this is the track on asshole bleaching. So, a little Christmas gift to you. We've gotten a doozy. It's the best fight we've had in a long time, like a month ago. I told her I thought she should bleach her asshole. She being my wife.

She agreed and threw a cup of Clorox in my face. Yeah, fuck you too. That gets a round of applause every night. I don't appreciate it. It's the cleverness of the joke. I know why you're applauding. Asshole bleaching. I didn't know anything about it.

I googled it. Now I see why she'd get pissed. I thought you girls were just bleaching like the hairs of your ass crack. You're actually bleaching the anus, the skin itself. My wife goes, yeah, because it's discolored. Well, yeah, you've been shitting out of it for 42 years.

You ever see a coffee filter off to 50 pots? Bleaching your asshole is actually racist, you know? Oh, I have black skin on me. Gross. Let me get rid of that. Oh, it's black and brown. Holy shit. That is gross. I hope guys don't start doing this. Last thing I need is my wife to kick the bathroom door and I'm squatting over her makeup mirror With a bottle of whiteout Honey, what are you doing?

I'm fixing the letter O What's it look like? Shut the door Where are the crest whitening strips? Give me a tide stick Can I shout this out? Help me here Don't just stand there for Christ's sake

How embarrassing Anything? Nothing? How embarrassing. Anything? Nothing? She's laughing. She's a reserved, nice, proper lady, and I'm doing horse shit up here, and I don't blame her. So I Googled the history of asshole bleaching.

Gotta know this stuff. It fascinates me. It started with female porn stars. Makes sense. They're doing anal on screen. Maybe my wife's got a hobby I don't know about, but they're doing

anal on screen. And then mainstream Hollywood actresses started bleaching their ass. They said because there was more nudity in their films now. What a fucking crock

of shit there. Anybody remember seeing Meryl Streep's asshole in The Iron Lady? Fuck you, Nixon. Look at that heart. One of Peltro and Dumber Dumber 2. And the second reason girls started bleaching their

anuses, they were embarrassed that their anus skin tone didn't match the rest of their skin tone. What? I understand if your bag doesn't match your shoes. I don't even understand that, to be honest with you. But you're bleaching your asshole for your husband who's about to fuck you while he's wearing two different color socks. I mean... Who gives a shit?

I'm going to get this right for Bill. Bill's... I want to get this right for Bill. Bleaching of the asshole. That's right, kids. That's from another senseless killing. Go to nickdip.com and you can pre-order it today or wait till January 2nd and just plain buy it outright.

All right? That's for you guys. Have a great New Year's and I will talk to you real soon. I love you for helping me to construct of my life

not a tavern but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps, after all, that is what love means.

And that is why... And you blew it! You blew it. The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The

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The The The The The The The The The The The The guitar solo I'm out.