The Nick DiPaolo Show - 064 - LA Trip, Brady and Golden Globes

Episode Date: January 13, 2015

LA Trip, Brady and Golden Globes

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo, just off the LA trip. Good to be back, great trip. Well worth it. Out there doing all the major podcasts the joe rogan's the adam carolla's the fitzsimmons the jay moore's and um yeah i'll get to uh marin and billy burr eventually our schedules couldn't coincide this time but good trip fun trip believe it or not anyways let's get the business aspect out of the way again don't forget to go to nickdip.com to get my uh new special another senseless killing it's in the top i don't, 50 or top hundreds in pre-orders on iTunes and whatnot.

That's what my distributor told me yesterday. So he was pretty excited. And yeah, if you go to nickdip.com, it's eight bucks. And, you know, get it there. It's a little cheaper, I think. But that's why I went out to Los Angeles to plug all that stuff. but that's why I went out to Los Angeles to plug all that stuff. And I'll play, let's play a, I'll play a bit,

another bit from the new special. This is entitled the rapist slash match.com. I think. I feel bad for you ladies. Cause you're the victim of this male sexual deviancy. You know, it was sick fucks pulling our pricks out in public. And you're taking advice from guys on how to avoid this stuff. This was in the New York Times this summer. You can Google this. There's a professor at the University of Colorado, a male professor,

telling young girls in his class, to keep a guy from raping you, you should either urinate or vomit in front of him. First of all, if I'm a girl in that class, I'm going to raise my hand and go, you know this how? Urinate or vomit to scare off a rapist? That might work, unless the guy fucked a bunch of drunk chicks in college.

Every girl I fucked in my 20s was puking and pissing herself. She was shit-faced. That's how I knew I was going to get laid. No meant no, and I don't feel good meant yes.

And how are you girls going to piss and vomit on demand? That's my question. Wouldn't you load up on bad pork and iced tea before you go running in Central Park? Pick off your pants, bitch.

Not tonight. Oh, thank God for those Amtrak clams. I'll tell you. Here comes the chicken palm from Applebee's. Yeah! What if you're a nice Jewish girl and you're fasting that day? You're all the...

Hold on. Oh, go ahead. It's been a while. Fuck it. Oh, my goodness. This is raw. And I'm not making fun of rape, ladies. Nothing funny about rape unless it's happening to a rapist Oh my goodness, this is raw. And I'm not making fun of rape, ladies.

Nothing funny about rape unless it's happening to a rapist in a prison shower. Then it's fucking hilarious. Girls, you want to keep a guy from having sex with you? Well, he's taking his pants off. Just look him in the eye and go, I love you. What are you thinking? Do you like children?

Not everything is rape either. We're always trying to, here's something that's not rape. I'm sick of hearing about when a hot female school teacher, like in her twenties, fucks a 14 year old boy student. It's not fucking rape. That is a fantasy for all us fellas. Okay. That's a rite of passage. You can bang his brains out. He'll be just fine. Trust me. Fuck him. Fuck him hard. Fuck him long. People go, that's not true. That kid's life will never be the same. Yeah, you got that right. He won't be able to go to the mall

without signing 300 autographs on Friday. He's going to get a big head when they're building a statue of him in front of the gym on Wednesday. Statue of the teacher bent over with an apple in her mouth. Fucking Brian's behind him with a condom. Yeah, you're always the victim of this shit.

I feel bad for you. I hear about this all the time. I hear about women meeting guys on the internet, and then the guys kill them like a week later. Yeah, that's, ladies, that one's kind of on you. You're picking guys up on the internet? You know that's a highway,

don't you? Why don't you just get on 95 South at three in the morning in the Bronx with a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your ass crack holding a sign that says got pussy?

Got pussy? Nothing? All right. Swing and a miss. Just naive girls. I can see him trying to meet guys on the internet. They're on Match.com. Oh, look at this guy.

He likes hiking. Yeah, translation. He's going to rape and kill you in the woods. He's into sunsets. He's going to do it after dark. Oh, he's into fashion. Yeah, he's going to it after dark. Ooh, he's into fashion. Yeah, he's gonna make a suit out of your skin and wear it around the house for the next three weeks.

Ooh, he likes to cook. Yeah, he's gonna make a casserole out of your tits and feet. Have you had the tits and feet casserole? It's delicious, by Rachel Ray recipe. About 40 minutes. Tits and feet, it's one word, it's German. Tits and feet. It's one word. It's German. Tits and feet. Thank you, lady.

Don't hold it in. There's some... Jesus. That's hot to me. I'm, you know... I'm doing a joke about a girl being murdered by some guy on the internet. She's giggling like I'm tickling her feet... I'm doing a joke about a girl being murdered by some guy on the internet. She's giggling

like I'm tickling her feet. That is making me hard as a whale's tooth. Keep it up, sweetheart. Holy shit, there's a psycho. I'm staying at the Tom Plaza Suites, whatever the fuck they call it.

That's a... I mean, you'll be in the pool 11 degrees, but... Seems like you can take it. I can see what you find. There you go. That's off another senseless killing. My new album.

Go get it at nickdip.com. It's $8 or pay as much as you want. Had a guy a couple days ago paid, get this, folks, $208 bucks that is the record there was another guy paid 101 another guy paid 50 and uh i'll tell you i actually need the money i hate that you know i'm not embarrassed to say so it's just uh you know things around the house are breaking i get the the oil guy here today and uh i get an antiquated system this house was built in 1937 there's two oil tanks one's 550 gallons one's uh 275 and

we've had eight different explanations on how they work with you know eight different plumbers and electricians and it's so funny everybody has a different opinion it's just freaking crazy but we had this guy vinnie he's this guy he's probably late 60s maybe 70s but he is the best that generation is just the best aren't they he comes out today's i mean there's there's return pipes and there's it's really antiquated so there's like nine valves on the wall labeled for two different tanks and we have a meter on the wall that's supposed to tell us how much oil is in one tank.

The other one doesn't have a meter and there's a return and a feed and whatever. The thermostat is in the coldest room in the house, this like glass room, right two feet from the fireplace. The fireplace is old and the flue doesn't close completely so a big draft comes in there even though we have a

glass thing over the front of the fireplace so obviously the thermostat being that close to that drafty room the uh thing kicks on and on every five minutes i'm burning oil like fucking you know i'm burning oil like i'm part of the Muslim Brotherhood, and we, you know, we just cracked into a pipeline in Syria, so, so this guy Vinny comes over today, older guy, and it must be complicated, because he's been doing it his whole life, and he's drawing out diagrams like friggin' Stephen Hawking for me, can't make heads or tails of it, than hawking for me can't make heads or tails of it but i think we got it straightened out um anyways it's kind of a tricky system every once in a while it'll stop you know the boiler will shut down either because of a clog from you know sediment in the tank or it's just there's a

hundred different reasons and uh you know sometimes you wake up, very, very rarely, but you wake up and I'll go down, it'll say 59 degrees in the house. I can see my breath and the thing gets shut off in the middle of the night. It doesn't happen very often, but it's happened a few times since we lived here. Last year, me and the wife go on vacation, and I go, I know it's going to happen. My wife's like, shut up with your negative attitude. It's not going to happen. We come home what happens I come in the house it's 50 it was 56 I mean luckily it happened towards the end of our vacation we had no way of knowing but if it

happened at the beginning the pipes could have froze and then then where are you I'll tell you where I am in a fucking condo divorcedorced from my wife Watching porn and eating fish sticks Anyways Anyways So yeah, Benny's over here And Let me straighten that out I think Now we're going to put in a thermostat

That you can actually control your cell phone while you're away It's amazing what the Japanese have done So that's that but i'm just saying that generation i i love those guys they're just you know i mean guy guys as sharp as a tack gotta be 70 gotta be 70 maybe he's well maybe i'm wrong maybe he's uh 51 and he just did a lot of drugs in the 60s. He looks horseshit. No. But, ah, bittersweet, bittersweet week. My dad was diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer's about three weeks ago, so that's getting interesting.

Life is hard. As Betty Davis said, getting old is not for pussies. That was her quote. I don't want to sound like a gay fellow quoting Betty Davis, but that's a great quote. Ray Lewis could have said that. I like Betty Davis. But I like her eyes and her tits. Most people like her eyes.

I like her tits. Well, I did like her tits. Back in the 20s, she had a nice pair. Anyway, so yeah, that's kind of sad news. And it's back and forth with me and my, you know, four brothers and sisters with emails and messages. And I feel bad for my sister Darlene because she lives right next door to my dad. And she's in the medical industry. So a lot of it falls on her.

God bless her. She's tough as nails. And, you know, at some point we're gonna move him out of the house i know jim brew went through this um it's we're not to that stage yet but i'm just saying uh it's hard to see your dad like that you know i mean anyways he's a tough nut and that's the problem he'll probably live till he's 106 you know as far as in that shit progresses it can progress fast or or you know slow they they it's like cancer they're still in the research phase of a lot of this but those are the books i'll be bringing on vacation in february i'll tell you that much but uh nobody means more to me than

the old man i get uh i get my sense of humor from him he's uh he was a marine like i said in the 50s and uh a funny son of a still is uh what the hell else did uh i want to talk about the trip the los angeles trip folks i mean hadn't been out there in a while i don't know i can't even remember that gives an idea that shows you how much showbiz has changed, though, for the good for people like me. You know, I mean, now with the podcast and all that, you you develop your own little army. And, you know, if you're high profile enough, thank God I've been doing it long enough. People saw enough of me on TV where I do have a bit of a bit of a following. And it's growing because of the podcast and all that stuff,

so you don't have to go through the traditional channels of Hollywood. Thank Christ. You know what I mean? I watched the Golden Globes last night, a few minutes. You know, I taped it and fast-forward. I feel I have to watch those because my buddy Louie, CK, is always at these things. The guy's got like nine Emmys, and he was up for a Golden Globe. Anyway, so I felt I had to record it, and we'll get that at the end of the show. I'll play a few clips from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a nice job as usual. Good writing. I noticed these award

shows, the monologues are pretty strong as far as the writing. I thought the jokes were really good last night and those girls are great at delivering them. But I just sit there going, I look at my wife, I go, really? I'm in the same industry as them. You understand? They might as well be on the fucking planet Saturn. That's how close I am to legitimate Hollywood show business. It's unbelievable.

I just, but that's the beauty of it. Like I'm still in the game and and still relevant, regardless what Mark Maron says. I talked to him today. I called into his podcast this morning. He was nice enough to arrange it because he heard he heard me mentioning how he called me irrelevant. And somebody one of my fans jumped on him on Twitter and said, hey, you asshole. me irrelevant and somebody one of my fans jumped on him on twitter and said hey you asshole but so marin marin text me like yesterday or the day before going hey man uh are you telling people i'm bad-mouthing the republic and i replied yeah because you did you called me irrelevant at the but you know he was joking when he said kindreal uh at the festival this july and uh jimmy norton and opie were doing this show and had a had a bunch of us comics on all at once and uh there was like eight of us i mean heavy hitters too you know hotel and and and uh a whole bunch of us

billy burr and at the bunch of us, Billy Burr. And at the end of it, somebody who were talking and said, yeah, we're going to get to the Apollo to do it. And, and, and,

and Mary goes, ah, he's relevant, irrelevant, which, you know, us comics are sensitive, but,

uh, anyways, I busted his balls about it. Uh, or I mentioned it on my last podcast. Somebody heard it and reported it to him. And it bugged me that, so we straightened it out today on his podcast. I called in.

Couldn't do his show when I was out there. Well, actually, it's not a matter of I couldn't. I went out there. I did Joe Rogan. You know, I did Fitzsimmons, Jay Moore, and Adam Carolla, the heavy hitters. And Marin, obviously, was the first show i was thinking about but then i was like no he thinks i'm irrelevant he's not gonna fucking want me on the show anyways i get back to him so he uh i got a email from his assistant ashley

and they said we want to set something up for monday so we'll call your house at like you know noontime beautiful. So we hash it out. And I don't know when he's going to play that. I don't know when he posts his podcast. I was waiting for an answer from Ashley. So good trip. Great trip. It's unbelievable the power of these frigging shows. I'm going to also get to the NFL playoffs. And I'm not a Cowboys fan, but did they take it in the ass from the referees yesterday? That was a catch, okay? I'm not a Cowboys fan.

I don't give a shit. I'm going to discuss the reception, the definition of a reception. I actually had this. I looked at my notebook a month and a half ago right in the middle of the nfl season i said i made a note on one of my podcast books to talk about what a reception is in the nfl and how they have bastardized the rule and uh we're going to discuss that later but let's talk about the la trip um yeah i had left uh what last monday a week ago oh by the way and two more cops were shot the day i left or the night i left in the bronx they were like five cops off duty about to go home and then they heard on the radio a robbery suspect near where they were in the bronx and they it was i don. The guy was hiding out near a Chinese restaurant.

Anyways. There was a shootout. Two cops get shot. And I know. And you can't tell me. With all the shit that's going on. That guys aren't quicker. To you know.

Pull their guns up. Criminals especially. With what's going on. Between de Blasio and the cops. Not blaming him directly for that. It was a robbery in progress. But. Anyways. And these in progress, but anyways. And these guys, that's why, what such great guys they are. They could have went home, but they, you know, no.

So they got involved, and this guy ends up shooting two of them. I think they survived, both cops. This guy, Jason Polanco, they busted him and another guy, Joshua Kemp, I think, the next night. They got the two suspects in the shooting. And because of tips, 29 tips came in describing these guys or whatever. And 10 of them were legit or something.

So, yeah, they got them. So, again, things are a mess as far as that goes in New York City. And it's just, again, laughable to me. You had 20 years of, you know, crime just declining at record rates. And then stupid comes into office and wants to reverse that, wants to stop and frisk. And look at the results already. I know crime's down this year, but shootings are up, okay? I'm supposed to not draw a conclusion.

Enough of that. I don't want to talk about that. I've got enough to talk about. But I was glad to hear that they got these scumbags. And these cops are going to survive, I believe. L.A. trip was just awesome. It was fun, man. Went out on jet blow right away

drama starts i'm on jet blow which i love by the way i uh i get they have a mint section which is i guess first class the equivalent of first class but then there's another section behind it you can pay an extra 50 or whatever an extra 100 for more leg room if you're gonna do jet blue and if it's i don't know what the equipment was i wasn't sure what plane it was but get seat 6d that row de you know because it is the most leg room i had two kids playing street hockey in front of me for christ's sake i could literally straighten my legs out and i still had another foot and a half to the to the bathroom wall which was in front of me um it was crazy so

get that it's an exit row it's the front exit row behind first class but jesus christ you really it's unbelievable you can lay down on the floor nobody would even see it so much space and uh yeah so we're everything's going good the guy picks me up at my house uh this guy cory picks me up at my house in the town car i'm gonna give him a plug the guy drives a car all day and um i guess he's from brooklyn is a young black guy much younger than mr hooper here and uh and and so he does that during the day while he's trying to run his own business young black guy, much younger than Mr. Hooper here. And so he does that during the day while he's trying to run his own business, him and another guy.

What was it called? Brooklyn Brothers. He's a clothes designer. I think it's a play on Brooks Brothers. Brooklyn Brothers. So I love guys like that. Imagine, I mean, he's going to drive around all day in that shitty truck and then go to work

and try to make his own business work. That's what America's built on, motherfuckers. So, yeah, good luck to him. He gets me there in record time, right? I'm like, oh, this is beautiful. And right away, my positive thinking, you know, is like, okay, I'm here early. And that means, you know, the wing's going to come off on takeoff. But anyways, so now we're ready.

Everybody's loading up and full full flight as usual is it never not a fucking full flight anyways uh and i see a guy get on the plane i'm sitting there you know i get to board early because i paid the extra 50 bucks um i'm really anal like that i age at mark speed when i see people trying to board before me. I'm like a child. Here comes a guy down the aisle with a bulldog, like an English bulldog on a leash. Just walks right past, and I go, what the fuck? How is that going to fly? No pun intended.

I mean, okay, a bulldog on a leash. I know you can bring like a little dog if you have it in a bag or a little cage, I think. I don't know the rules completely. But I'm like, okay, what the fuck is that? And how is that going to work? In this day and age where, you know, if somebody finds a peanut on the plane because of allergies, they sue. And, you know, people go into restaurants, don't give me garlic or I'll go into cardiac arrest are they pine nuts and that i'll start shitting blood right at the table you know this litigious society that we live in i'm like how is how people mark it wasn't a pretty bulldog it was one of those ones with that underbite you know their jaw their bottom teeth

stick out like three inches not the prettiest i them, don't get me wrong, but one of those real bulldog looking bulldogs with fangs sticking up, and I'm going, how the hell is that gonna, and sure enough, people, we're about to, we're about to take off, everybody's, and then I see him, I see him walk back up the aisle with the dog, they, they called him on the speakers. What are you, the PA system? What am I, 90? They called him on the speakers. And he's standing there. And now there's a big controversy

because apparently the people didn't, you know, sitting next to him didn't want a bulldog in their row. I don't know where the dog was supposed to, if he had its own seat, if it was going to be on this guy's shoulders for the flight i don't understand how this is ever they ever thought this was going to work and i don't understand how they don't have a ruling right away you know i mean and um so now he's standing like right where i am where i'm sitting

at the front of the plan i felt bad for him because everybody's looking at him. There's a big controversy. Now they have to discuss it with whoever makes these decisions. And they actually have a special board, people who solve problems like this for JetBlue. They were trying to get that guy on the phone or whatever the fuck. Turns out, you know, he was saying it was a service dog, which, of course, is what everybody does now when they have a pet that they want to bring somewhere on a plane you know yeah this is my friggin uh you know whatever think of something funny i'm too fucking tired you know this is my hamster my service hamster my service turtle yeah that's my duck i'm mentally ill and

he fucking keeps me calm but you know everybody's doing this because i talked to the flight attendant after he was explaining how you know if it's a service dog they have to let it on or a service whatever but i'm like doesn't that open yourself up isn't everybody trying to bring shit on aren't people boarding with llamas saying yeah if i get nervous this thing's gonna give me a blow job and it relaxes me all this shit and he goes yeah exactly well who couldn't see that coming so some people had a problem with his with his bulldog and frankly i usually don't like people like that but i can understand in this situation you know whether it's allergies because people are allergic to dog dander that's why why you don't, it's not a fucking arc. That's why you don't see many.

So he's standing there, poor bastard. Then 10 minutes turns into 20, 20 turns into 30, 30 turns into 45, 45 turns into 50 minutes. It was like watching the NFL refs get together to try to fucking make a ruling of whether a guy was down or not, or whether it was a watching the NFL refs get together to try to fucking make a ruling of whether a guy was down or not, or whether it was a reception or not. We'll get to that. Dummies. So yeah, that's how the fucking trip started. I like the curse, by the way, on this thing. You know, I still have a foot in legitimate radio and people listen in sometimes to see, you know,

hey, you do want to hire this guy? And, you know, somebody said, well, you know, the curse. I don't rely on it. It's the beauty of a podcast. That's the beauty of this shit. What is this, AM? Channel 77, WABC? Yeah. So they saw the plane, you know, anyways, he he ended up he couldn't get on the plane and he had to take his dog with him and that should be the right ruling I'm sorry put the thing in a porthole with some kid from fucking Haiti who's trying to stow away

ah bad analogy they come over and in it too that was stupid and they're raft but yeah so he couldn't fly and then the flight attendant uh sits down and uh starts explaining to me all the weird shit he's been through he was explaining to me and the two guys were asking him all questions about it the weirdest thing he's ever seen on a plane and and uh he had some good ones he said he was on a flight once and some people complaining a lady was breastfeeding and he goes well well they're

allowed to do that and this lady goes you have to come see what i'm talking about he goes back there and uh she's got like a blanket over it turns out she was breastfeeding a chihuahua and of course everybody was irate that could see it because there were kids there and yeah it's you know fine line between bestiality and i don't know what what that comes in is there Is there a website for that? Fucking dog licking tits slash org. Yeah, a lady was breastfeeding a chihuahua. This is the type of shit, folks, that you used to encounter on Greyhound buses cross country. It was that level of that quality of clientele, if you will.

But now that everybody can afford to fly, it's like taking Greyhound. I mean, really? She was breastfeeding a dog with a human tit. The fuck? Can you imagine seeing that?

Oh, I never get to see shit like that. Always cost me a ton of money breastfeeding a dog and thinking nobody's gonna have a problem with it what the hell's going on out here i have no idea vince the world's going fucking crazy and the other thing the other story he told us there was a guy that got on a on the flight once he had a doll like a uh life-size, not a blow-up doll, but like a real expensive type of doll, almost the size of a real human being. And he was treating it like it was a real human being. And he said, like, he yelled, the guy yelled at the flight attendant when the flight attendant didn't ask the doll if it wanted a snack.

And I said, are you shitting? Why didn't you tell the guy just to shut the fuck up? And he goes, we can't because we're trained. Effeminate black guy, this flight attendant. Very nice. He told me he liked my shirt like four times. I was getting nervous. But he said, we can't.

We're trained to a situation like that you're afraid to you know say sir that's a fucking doll and you're nuts because it might the guy might go into some type of psychotic attack really so you had to pretend i would have punched that doll in the face thrown it in the, and fucking done a suplex on it. Elbow smash. What was the other thing the guy said about the doll? Oh, you can take her food. She's done eating.

I mean, can you imagine? Nice to see mental illness on display, huh? Anyways, that was the frigging takeoff. then uh the flight was great jet blue you know it's funny about jet blue i'm always listening and i always do this i'm either listening or watching tv every time i've flown jet blue i don't know what it is i end up watching a show you know those shows you see on like discovery and those uh why planes crash This is like the third time I've been on JetBlue. When we were landing in L.A., I was literally watching a show, Why Planes Crash. Sir, you have to put your TV up.

No, I want to see what's going to happen to me in the next minute and a half. I'm going to be a charbroiled briquette. This fucking guy doesn't know what he's doing. So, land in L.A., get there at night, get on the stupid shuttle bus to budget. I ask for a Ford Escape or something like, you know, something like, and I get a, I end up, they send me out, you know, I go to get my car.

It's a Ford Fusion, which I don't pay attention to American made not since I bought a old Cutlass I told you it fell apart in high school or whatever after high school so I always buy Japanese so I go out and it's a Ford Fusion it's kind of a nice car I have to admit I kept hearing how American made cars are pretty nice now

but I didn't really believe it but anyways is there anything more? First of all, I go into the budget thing, and the lady working behind the counter, I'd say she's been in the country about 35 seconds with the heaviest Mexican accent I've ever heard. And the last thing I asked her, what color is the car? She goes, silba. Silba. It's silba. And the last thing I asked her, what color is the car? She goes, silver. Silver. It's silver.

I'm looking up on the chart of the rainbow colors. I can't find silver. And I figured out she meant silver. And I walk outside to whatever. And this is after a long day, you know. Now I've got to find the frigging. I get in there. Is there anything?

Let me ask you something, folks. Is there anything more dangerous than when you get into a rent-a-car a car that's not your own if you borrow somebody else i don't know about you where you don't know where anything is and you know it's not like back in 1980 when you got and you borrowed somebody's uh chevy you got into it and you know the shift was where it always is and the the wipers, it was like, what, three buttons? Now it's like getting into a fucking 747 simulator. I had no friggin' idea what I was doing. I got the paperwork on my lap.

Can't find my friggin' reading glass. I really, if somebody was filming me, you guys would have been laughing your balls off. I mean, I just, so I find my way out of there, and I get on the frigging highway, the 405 North. I can't find the button to adjust the fucking rear view mirrors, which I live in, like a good driver. And I get the window down. I'm trying to adjust the rear view mirror on the, you know,

driver's side with my left hand. I'm drifting into other people's lanes, because in L.A., the highways, I forgot they're like seven lanes wide uh the friggin at one point the wipers go on it's not even raining out and i realized my lights weren't fuck i couldn't find the lights somebody flashed their lights you know as they were going past me and i'm drifting from like lane three to lane six people are giving me the bird uh oh my god i freaking hate it like fucking mr magoo out there and uh yeah get to the get found the freaking hotel and uh thank god for ways that app you know that gps app that tells you where the cops are and shit um i was a slave to that all week

because i really don't have a sense of direction i'm almost retarded when it comes to that um so yeah i just you know kept punching in punching in addresses and relying on that found the hotel the sportsman sportsman's lodge on vent in Studio City. That's where I stayed. Not a bad joint. Of course, they're in renovation. I called down, you know, yeah, I want to get some room service. This is like quarter ten. No, it closes at nine.

What are we, in fucking Vermont? I'm in Los Angeles. I can't get something to eat after nine? Cut to me. I'm at Ralph's Supermarket. That's the big supermarket chain in los angeles i'm at ralph's across the street ended up buying some horrendous guacamole and you know supposed to be all natural at least nine of the brands where i weren't wasn't paying attention i get it home and there's like 200

ingredients you know it's written in that font, the size of your pubes. And that made fucking no sense. And, you know, it's got some type of, begins with an X, and then the word gum after it. It was just, it had the consistency of like baby diarrhea. It was wrong. There was nothing soft about it. You could like cock your fucking windows with this shit. Who would have guessed that came back on me a few hours later. Um, but then I got like a

20 pound bag of pistachios and, uh, I'm eating fucking fruit in my room. Pretty exciting, huh? Pretty wild. 15 years ago, I'd been in a titty bar, getting chlamydia in my eyes. But, so anyways, then a couple, like the second or third day in there, I go, where's the fitness center? I said, I used the word gym. Of course, this old guy goes, you mean the fitness center? Yeah, motherfucker, where you sweat and build muscles, you jerk off. Let's not get technical here.

I'm the guest, fitness center, gonna go in there, and Jack Lane's gonna be working on his back, fucking juicing in the corner, no, he's dead, actually, but, um, no, you gotta go down the street to the gym, there's a, you walk a few blocks down, and there's a gym right on there, so I, I planned on doing doing that this is true story like on the third day i was there i you know i got like sweats on and start to walk to the gym i go past play jerry's deli which is world famous i used to go there many times when i lived in la so cut to me instead of being at the gym what the fuck i put it on mute holy, did you hear that? Why was that so loud? Anyways, I'm sure that's going to happen 20 more times. Cut to me in my sweats and sweatshirt and like a socks hat eating

a pastrami on toasted rye with melted cheese and six pounds of golden mustard and a thing of onion rings. An order of onion rings about half, I'd say up to my waist. And yeah, never made it to the gym. That's how I know it's over for me in that regard. Tony Horton just sucked the life out of me with this. P90X, I got nothing left.

Yeah, went back to the hotel. It's just so, it's so weird, LA. It's so, I like it, yet I don't like it. It's so void of any culture. It's just strip mall after strip mall and nail salons and stereo stores and just fucking, ugh. I don't know. Something's missing.

Something's missing. But, uh... But you know what? I'd stay at that place again because it's so conveniently located. It's on the other side of the hills. In other words, the other side of... You get Sunset Strip if you go through Coldwater Canyon.

If you people aren't familiar with this setup, you can go through Coldwater Canyon to get to the other side, the valley, as they say. Ventura Boulevard is the main. I just said Boulevard. I was in LA awake. I'm talking like Ricky Riccardo. Boulevard. And the 101 and all these major highways are like a mile from this hotel which is convenient because i had to go to these podcasts a different one each day and they're pretty they were spread

out a little bit and uh made it very convenient for me and uh but it was it was quiet the hotel was fairly quiet i actually slept and uh there's's a nice bar slash restaurant like within 100 yards of the hotel, like right in the same parking lot. Went over there, had my Jack and Waters, and turned into a real loner. I'm a creep at the bar by myself.

Of course, I go over there the second night expecting to do the same thing, going, yeah, this is fucking great. I get over there, and there's no bar stools. I go, what the fuck? Expecting to do the same thing Going yeah this is fucking great I get over there and there's no bar stools I go what the fuck There's no bar stools at this bar That's like 200 feet long Oh we're having salsa dancing contests

Whatever the fuck Alrighty Nice knowing you Took my drink to go Anyways Got up on Tuesday Yeah right Got up on Tuesday And what was the first one i did joe rogan podcast and it was everything i was hoping i got everything from it i wanted to

hadn't seen joe in person in years and uh wish i knew joe better than i did wish i you know i wish i uh wish my career went better and we got hung in the same circles. Because he's a guy's guy, a Boston guy, and just an interesting dude, you know? UFC guy, and he's great at that shit. So I go to the, it's in an industrial complex, his show. It's in like a suite. It's a suite, whatever. I won't say the number, but I get there.

And of course, that's the one suite where there's blinds are pulled and it's pitch black. And I go, oh my God, they fucking moved. I'm not going to find the show now. And I was early, thank God. But no, I push on the door and it opens. Everything, like there's business on each side of them.

Well, you know, the lights are on. You can see people working in there this is this blacked out thing and uh i walk in and uh first thing i see is you know the movie american werewolf in london that he has a replica of that werewolf i guess he knows the guy who made the one for the movie or he knows the guy who does that type of shit i mean a life-size one of those fucking, it's the scariest, even as an adult, it was, as an adult, it was creeping me out, and I said, I want that, I want that fucking thing, and a couple grand, maybe, but it's the first thing I see, and a pool table, it's so funny how testosterone driven everything is in this podcast well at least with joe and uh you know and then uh his producers come out brian and uh

another guy i forget his name i keep forgetting the other guys and they were both great made me coffee and um then i go into another room and there's a big, nice big, almost like a conference table with like five different flat screens. I mean, just an awesome setup. And those two guys on their laptop and just an awesome setup. As opposed to me, like right now as I'm talking to you, I'm slumped over a dinner tray looking at a dead mouse under my desk. But just an awesome setup, you know? I mean, just the way, you know, eventually, once my album goes platinum, I'll be able to afford this.

So I'm sitting there talking to those guys, and then Joe comes in, and it was great to see him. I rip off my reading glasses. We were joking about that on the podcast. I rip them off like he he's a hot chick and i don't want to be seen with glasses on you know and uh the first thing joe does when he sits down and puts on his reading glasses we start laughing at each other uh because we've known each other that that long uh and it was just great three hours three hours we did and i'm not talking like a lot of filler. I'm not.

I mean, we did three hours of talking about everything under the sun. That's what I love about this guy. And it allows you to be funny. I was allowed to talk as much as I wanted. And what was cool was we all know that Joe was such an expert with the ultimate fighting. The story about John Jones going into rehab. That story broke as we were doing the podcast. So it was kind of cool.

He's sitting next to Joe Rogan was an expert in this stuff when that story broke. And right away, you know, he does his producers pull it up on the screen. And there's the picture and story and the way it's supposed to be done. And we talked about that. And I had a solution. I said, well, I got a solution to this. If he had coke in his system when he fought Cormier, that's very simple.

They have a rematch in a month where Cormier gets to do coke. They're both on blow, and we fight again. And Joe liked that. We talked about the time I lived in L.A. and how much I didn't really, I didn't hate it, but, uh, and I think I mentioned this on previous podcasts that I literally, the week I left LA to come back to New York, I was having an argument with an imaginary agent that I didn't even have in my shower. That's true. My wife heard me yelling. She's my girlfriend at the time. I think it was

her. It might've been another broad I had over had over I mean the pussy was just flowing like wine I don't know but he thought that was friggin hilarious yeah he really did I was arguing you know why he thought it was so funny because people who lived there long enough who aren't from there

I'm telling you it makes them crazy it makes them fucking nuts so we did three hours and it went by. And that's a testament to Joe's. He talked, I mean, you know, he's got his theories and everything. Here's what I love about him. I go, yeah, you know, we're talking about working out and shit. He still looks, you know, looks like he's 25.

And that's the other thing I saw, one those kettle kettle bells whatever and uh i'm like yeah i go jesus i'm ready to do steroids you know i go and he goes well why don't you everybody else is like you know that shit'll kill you what are you nuts that stuff's bad for your boy joe's like why don't you and he doesn't not that he doesn't but i go uh i go for christ's sake i go have you seen sylvester stallone this guy's 68th and he's fucking shredded how is he still alive and joe i love joe's theory on this he goes it's not that he goes people tell you not to do stories because it's bad for your body as opposed to what aging and dying i love the way he looked at it and i'm like you know i really should start juicing and uh it's just so funny i love this mentality on that and then he put as soon as

we're talking about that he goes look you know this i'm looking at one of the screens and a picture of stallone comes up that i had never seen before and it looks recent because his face looks like he's 70, but he's at a gym somewhere and he looks more ripped than he did when he did the movie First Blood. I'm like, is that photoshopped? He had like a fucking,

a 14 pack. And I think Joe's producer, Brian, goes, Joe, didn't your wife say like you have a man crush on Stallone or something? And I go, yeah, I do, too. Everybody wants to look like that when they're 68. Guy must be juicing to the man.

Stallone, I swear to God, was like a 12-pack. It was a picture I'd never seen of him. I'm almost wondering if it wasn't Photoshopped. That's fucking crazy. But, yeah, we talked about all that stuff, you know. And, holy Christ, the response was unbelievable. Joe texted me the next day saying how great a response we got. And I saw it on my Twitter.

People ordering my special. And I told the story about Mitch Hedberg living next to me when i lived in la i lived in uh for a stint a short stint on sierra bonita in west hollywood and i told i think i've mentioned this on my podcast uh when i when i moved in the super say well you got a comic club and was mitch headberg i think i told you guys the story. And Mitch used to play, I don't know, a couple guys would come over to play guitar. I think his girlfriend's friends too, whatever. And I'd bang on the wall because I couldn't hear the TV. It was before I knew who Mitch was, I think.

And Mitch wrote a joke about it and did it on Letterman. And I wasn't aware of it until he was in New York to tape Letterman. Zoe Friedman, I guess, was working for letterman at the time and i saw her out at one of the comedy clubs in new york she goes you know um he's doing a bit about you and she had his set list on on a napkin the second thing second or third joke it said depalo and it's the thing about me banging on the his wall and him saying come around i don't have a doorknob or some shit it was very funny everything mitch did was very funny but that that that alone that story got like retweeted like uh 300 times because uh mitch was

such a you know a comedy god and has still has such a loyal fans that uh and people love the origin of a joke and um i couldn't believe people were how many they're still talking about it so that's what we talked about on rogue and and and yeah i mean you know i in a week i get like a thousand more followers whatever that means i always tell my web guy when each one of those followers is worth worth a buck I'll get excited, okay? But it just, all this activity kicked up. And, because I don't do much PR, you know? I suppose I could go on Letterman or Conan, but see, you wouldn't get that.

You wouldn't get that much. That's the beauty of this new world I'm talking about, which my web guy was trying to teach me for the last five years. Mike Baker at Baker Media. That this is a whole new world I'm talking about, which my web guy was trying to teach me for the last five years, Mike Baker at Baker Media, that this is a whole new world. You don't have to go through those channels now. You know what I mean? I got more activity and exposure, and I didn't realize how under the radar

I was flying, because there's a lot of tweets, you know, after doing Rogan and these podcasts, going, I didn't know this guy, or I knew a little bit about him. And I'm like, really been around since fucking Phyllis Diller was in a diaper. Is it that I'm flying under the radar that you guys suck as comedy? It's really, you know, the former. Uh, so yeah, this show kicked up a lot of dust, and just what I was hoping, because Joe's, Joe's so popular, that podcast is so popular, and then I go, you know, next day, I go do a Greg

Fitzsimmons on Wednesday, and it was just great, I got to go out to, again, using my app, my Waze app to find, he's out in Santa Monica somewhere. And just, I pulled on this beautiful tree-lined street with kids playing picket fence. Just a really, a beautiful little street and with this nice house. And it's, Greg comes in, I haven't seen him in a few years. And, you know, I see all the kids kids toys in the living room it's just cool these are guys i i knew you know when we were first starting out or whatever fitzsimmons lived in boston when we were starting out and uh you know i saw him in new york once in a while so i'm on episode of louis last year that we did but um you know he's been doing the podcast thing for a while

and uh so we go in his garage like and he's know, I'm looking at the workbench with all the tools and shit. And, you know, all the kids' toys and skis and fucking kayaks. And it was like I was doing a set at the Sports Authority. But it was great because he's been doing it so long. We had a history. And we were just talking about of course he brings a couple of times i get the two fights i get in my whole life um we talked about that talked about this guy mark rossi this really obese comedian i think he's originally

from rhode island but he was up in the boston scene and you know he was headlining when we were like opening and featuring and um yeah we started started talking about him and this is the beauty of again with social media we were both wondering and we never answered it on the podcast if he was still alive what what happened to him and by the time i get home a couple days after i'm home fitzsimmons sends me a you know an article on mark rossi who passed away this past September. Rest his soul. So, but we joked, we talked about everything, you know. And it's sitting in a garage. It was just very cool, very cool to see how everybody's living.

And I met his wife in the driveway and he's getting his kids and i'm just proud of all these guys you know then uh so i did his at like four i don't know 4 30 get done by around six and uh jay moore lives in the palisade somewhere not far far from Santa, a little north of Santa Monica. So my iPhone was dying, and I was panicking because of the GPS on the phone. The car didn't have it. I didn't want to pay the $10 a day because I was going to use my phone. But my phone was down like 9%.

And then I was going to use my phone. And my phone was down like 9%. And then I was, you know, I was done early. Started to head towards Jay Moore's house. And then it's down to like 2%. And I find Jay's house, but I'm there like 40 minutes early. I see him walking down the sidewalk with this little kid, this cute little kid, pudgy kid, who not pudgy, but he looks like he's going to be a handful in a couple years. Cute as hell, real thick head of hair on him. And it's Jay and his son.

And there's a couple little dogs with him and shit. I'm like, literally, Jay has this beautiful white house with a white picket fence in front of it. And so I pull over like a creep, you know, and I'm staring at him. He doesn't quite recognize me. Then he does. He's looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing here this early? And, uh, he goes to his kid. He goes, Nick, watch this. He goes, do, uh, do Tracy Morgan. And now again, this kid looks like he's three, three or four years old. The kid pulls up his, his t-shirt and sticks his belly out and taps it with his own hand,

goes, I want my sippy cup. Something like that. He did like two more impressions, this kid. And I'm going, oh, my God. And then I remember he's a product of, you know, Nikki Cox, who's an actress, and Jay. So this kid's got enough ham in him to last him a lifetime. Cute as hell. He did like a couple more.

He's got like Jay's, apparently Jay's, you know, inclination to do voices. This kid's got the same ability. So his kid's doing impressions. And Jay goes, go get a cup of coffee or something. I'll be ready at like 730. Now my phone is down to like one percent I'm afraid to wander away from his house because I have no sense of direction I go down uh this little town with a beautiful little town with restaurants you know five minutes from Jay's house um there was a high school there and

everything with a beautiful ball field great place not far from the ocean he's done very well jay and uh so i end up i end up uh with my ford fusion parking it and going into a gelsons i think that was at a supermarket trying to shoplift fruit to kill time and um when i buy sushi, you always want to buy sushi at a supermarket. But then I came out, and my phone was down at 1%. I went to this place, Palisades Pizza,

which it's like a Domino's. Obviously, it's not a restaurant. It's just where they make the shit and ship it out. And I went in there and asked this guy with a long beard. He looked like a guy that could be on, you know, Sons of Anarchy. If I could charge, if they had a charger and they did. Of course I didn't. Let me plug the phone and I sat there for 15, 20 minutes.

Apparently one of the delivery guys was missing. Something like that. So then I charged my phone went to jay's house uh did it in his garage with the garage door open it was actually cold maybe a puss but it's getting down there in la you know and then went to time it gets it gets dips into the 40s sometimes but uh he had a producer with him his girl who uh actually worked at the laugh factory when i was out there she said i didn't recognize her she she said she had put on 20 pounds and cut her hair or something whatever but she couldn't have been nicer and uh we're sitting uh in jay's uh in jay's garage with his little dog she's got like a couple

yorkshire Terriers. Frigging things are so tiny. I was almost stepping on them. And, you know, Jay's another one. Just built to do this stuff. Start talking about somebody who'll do it, who'll dead on impression of anybody we're talking about. And it was great.

He couldn't have been nicer. And yeah, did about an hour there and i don't know when he's gonna post that and i don't i don't know when marin did i talk about marin yet again the lack of sleep i called into his show i mentioned that earlier i don't know when he's gonna post that i did 10 minutes of marin on the phone but uh jay's gonna post this like in a couple weeks, he said. After all the heat dies down from the ones I did, he said. The other podcast. But it was fun.

And then on Thursday, he did Adam Carolla. And Adam, his gig is in Glendale. He's got like this big old garage, and if you're fans, you've probably already heard it. Me and Artie were there a couple years ago. It's like a big old garage they turned into a studio. Like it's like unfinished, you know, when you're sitting on the couch waiting to go into the studio.

It's like a car garage, but it's beautiful. I mean, you know, there's a kitchen area and stuff, and it was fun. I like Adam. He's a kitchen area and stuff, and it was fun. I like Adam. He's a guy's guy, and he started to ask me about Nick and Artie, which I, you know, can't really talk about, whatever, but, you know, I answered a few questions. But then we got into, we started talking about what happened in France, and that was another horrendous thing, huh?

Happened in France, and that was another horrendous thing, huh? The radical extremist Muslims shooting up that satirical magazine headquarters, Charlie Edbo, what, killing 12 people. And Adam showed a clip of Bill Maher, you know, saying how wrong-ba, and how liberals have to start speaking up against this. And he has a point about all that, but my only point was that he was a little late to the party because people have been criticizing, you know, Islam for that type of stuff for years, and he always shits on those people, always labeling them Islamophobes and whatever. You know, it all comes out of the same pool.

It's political correctness run amok, and it's censorship from the left and shit. So for him to be irate now, because, you know, his head could roll if he's not careful. And I just said, and again, I appreciate his balls, him speaking up like that, but people have been doing it for a while. And he'll be the first one, him and his cronies, to shit on Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity or anybody like that, Michelle Malkin.

So, but he's finally, you know, come to the party. And yeah, he's been criticizing for a little while, but not, anyways. He's got a great show. Look, I hate Bill Maher's politics, and I'm sure he'd hate mine. Not that he'd even give a shit. He's on a great show. Look, I hate Bill Maher's politics, and I'm sure he'd hate mine. Not that he'd even give a shit.

He's on a whole different realm of fame and show business. But, you know, he represents his side well. Let's put it that way, because I always want to headbutt the TV while I'm watching him. But, you know, he's well-researched and well-read. But, yeah, he makes me fucking blue smoke him out of my ears when I'm watching him. So that's what we talked about mostly with with adam it was it was uh it was good adam you know adam controls his show so i was there for the plugs anyways so but he does a good job and uh he's got quite a setup too it's like it's really cool to see how these guys work you know and man he had to

get right out of there that's what i love about this when does he sleep he's got that tv show where he busts you know crooked contractors and that's what you love about that guy he never stops thing i was most nervous about he had like a not a muscle car but something like a muscle car and i was parked in his little lot i was afraid he's was going to back into it with my Ford Fusion. How fucking hacky would that have been? Hey, DiPaolo scraped your charger with his Ford Fusion. But I thank all those guys. Excuse me.

Excuse me. I thank all those guys for having me on. They all said yes right away. And God bless Billy Burr, who, like I said, our schedules couldn't coincide while I was out there. But today, I think at the beginning of his podcast, he rambled on about how much he loved me. And he plugged my new special. And, I mean, again, that's like going on a TV show. It's better than going on a TV show.

Because his fans are my fans and vice versa, real comedy fans. And he said all this nice stuff today. Went on for five minutes about me, Billy. And I thank you so much, Billy. I'm going to call you or send you a text when I get done here. But, I mean, these guys are just, you know, team players. And I can't thank him enough for doing that. When I go out again, I want to do him.

Obviously, I want to get in studio with him and Marin or in Billy's house, wherever he does it from. Here's why I love Burr. I'm listening. My wife played it for me, what he said today. He's like, I've fucking known fucking Nicky DePaul. He's one of my favorite fucking comedians. You got to see this fucking guy.

I'm fucking telling you. And he sounds like everybody. He sounds like me. He sounds like everybody I grew up with. And it's just, I was laughing my balls off. He must have said fuck 19 times for my plug. And yeah, and he plugged the special. And these guys couldn't be and you know and even

marin uh you know couldn't have been nicer that sounds funny doesn't so i wanted i'm going back out there um before the year's out i have to because all the activity it kicked up every day for the last three days i'm checking uh i'm on twitter and people like i heard you on fit simmons i heard you on rogue and i'm buying you special but but why you know and uh i want to i told my agent to book me at uh because i don't go out west that much you know uh to book me i want to do the i wanted to the comedy works in denver did it years ago and it was a bachelorette party that fucked up everything and uh I don't know I don't think they liked how I handled it probably didn't you know young and stupid and uh but it's that that's a great club it's where Rogan did his special I think his comedy

central special um so uh yeah that was horrible that whole thing over in France, huh? I mean, what the fuck is going on in the world? You know? I mean, really? Freedom of speech? Look, they don't believe in it. We do. It's that simple. They're calling our bluff.

They're like, okay, you believe in freedom of speech. But if you say shit that we don't like, we're going to fucking kill you. That's real modern-day thinking, huh? But you got to be kidding. I mean, it started with salman rushdie right satanic verses remember he had to go into hiding forever and uh then you had that the the movie director theo van gogh he did a film about i think how you know is Islam treats women or whatever. And he ends up getting gunned down in the street. And then you have the Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard.

Remember he did the cartoon of Muhammad with a bomb in his turban or some shit. He had to go into hiding. And these guys in France were like, we don't fucking give a fuck. One guy that got killed, one of the editors told his girlfriend that that's how he was going to die, whatever. So that's funny coming out of France, because when you think of courage, you know, the French don't come to mind right away, but they seem to be coming around. Because Western Europe has a real problem, folks.

There are stones thrown from North Africa, okay? And they're just being taken over. But they're also to blame because they let these guys set up their own neighborhoods. And they let them have their own laws. And they're called no-go zones. You know, like Muslim neighborhoods where you literally can't walk into. So that's just capitulation. It's spineless whiteness-ness.

Does that make any sense? And, you know, don't think it can't happen here. Because you know there's a thousand sleeper cells here already. And you should be worried. Can't wait till this clown is out of office and all the idiots that surround him. What we need is a hundred Dick Cheneys. Only meaner. How about that?

That's what I want. Give me somebody that, give me a benign dictator. Somebody a little meaner than Mussolini. He wasn't benign, but I'm just saying. Yeah, so that was fucking horrible. That happened when I was out there too, right? Ooh.

The other thing about Jay, I wanted to thank Jay more because he had no voice that night. He actually called me during the day or the day before and said, you know, we might have to do, and I'm like, oh, he's fucking bullshit and his voice is fine.

I was thinking if I was him, I wouldn't want to do this either, you know, because he interviews a lot of big names. But I get there and his voice was fucked up. Okay. Sorry about that, Jay. But yeah, we powered through it.

Um... What the hell else, kids? Let's talk a little, uh, it's that time of year. Um, sports, football in particular. Interesting day, wasn't it, yesterday? The playoffs? Come on, you were watching, weren't you? Yes, sir. yeah anytime you hear that great day of sports huh great weekend of sports i should say as far as football goes i can't even remember the. I've watched so many over so many years. They're all just blending in.

But I do know I do know that the Patriots and Ravens and the Ravens have had our number in the last few years. I think two out of three in the playoffs. If they weren't in our way

for Christ's sake Brady would have more rings than fucking Liberace. But the Ravens have been a real nemesis for us. And looking for the clips.

Can you tell I'm preoccupied here? The fuck did I do? But yeah, it's become quite a little hate fest where the fuck did they go um yeah so i want to play this it's a little parody song parody that apparently the some of the ravens fans did because they don't

like brady is uh is it me is Suggs is not the scariest black man on the planet. If I started a football team today, he would be my first pick because he's as good a football player as he is scary. That motherfucker. Every time I do a joke and I reference

a scary black guy, I always say Terrell. First of all, Terrell Suggs, that is the coolest name you could have if you're a black dude. And he was like defensive player of the year three years ago. This guy can play. And you know, he's as black as Tom Brady is white.

That's what I love. Tom Brady is so white. And I think it motivates these guys to want to break his neck. I really do. But a little song parody by the ravens fans i don't know when they wrote it but mocking uh my my my boy the father the son the almighty jesus christ or as i call him tom brady but here's a little song for the baltimore ravens fans they

they did this a couple years ago right before this this. I don't know. Making fun of Tom Brady. Making fun of God. It's blasphemy. I've got such guys. I've got such guys. That's a shitty. And you've got Brady. And we've got Brady.

That's right, motherfuckers. When it's playoff time, we beat you two of three. We beat you two of three. I guess we'll say the nickname sucks. Cause Tom Brady, my girl. Calls him my girl. Talking about my girl. Terrell sucks. Calls Brady my girl.

It is oh so funny. Terrell Sucks calls Brady my girl. It ain't funny now, is it, bitches? Ha ha ha. We are thugs, baby. Well, I guess you'll say What would make such call Tom Brady, my girl That's a pretty good line, actually. Walk it off and cry, girl Cry, girl Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! That's a message from Tom Brady. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! That's a message from Tom Brady. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! And you blew it! You blew it! That's right, Flacco. Who I love, by the way.

One of the ravens I do like. That guy is using money in the bank. But come on. Come on. You know, I hate to sit here, but I have to. Because like I told you, and I've told you before, I'm 53. I sat through the worst years of the Patriots. I was watching football when I was six.

Do you understand? I still pinch myself to this day what Belichick and Brady have accomplished. And I love picking up the New York Daily News or the Post, and the picture on the back page is the three Patriots celebrating, and it's just blowing the Patriots at how good they are, and just, oh, it must be painful for the poor Jets fans, and you fucking Ravens fans. How'd it feel, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, they were down twice yesterday. The Pats were down twice by two touchdowns. Second time in the third quarter of an AFC, I mean, of a game to see, you know, who goes to the AFC championship. They're down by 14 points against, you know, a formidable foe. And Brady's as cool as the other side of the pillow. God bless you, late, great Stuart Scott,

even though I think somebody else made that up. But, yeah, another clip for the Ravens fans that can enjoy this. Yeah! Do it again. Say that again. How sweet was that play? Okay, they've been working on that for a year, they said. Just never used it in the game. And that's when you pull it out. That's what separates Belichick and McDaniels.

He's the offensive coordinator. And that's what separates him from the Rex Ryans of the world. Rex would have shown you that in the third preseason game and then trying to use it in the first half of the second game. But how pretty was that play? How pretty was that play, my friends? Mother of God, I had to wipe the TV screen with a wet nap. Friggin' Edelman can do anything, man.

Somebody on Twitter goes, you can tell my fan. Somebody on Twitter put that clip up, and it said, Al Sharpton is filing a complaint with the NFL because it was a white quarterback to a white receiver to another white receiver. That really was the whitest big play in the history of the NFL, according to this guy on Twitter. Of course he was kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding, honey.

But how sweet was that? Tom Brady, did he look nervous when they were down by two touchdowns? That's the thing. And Flacco's like that, too. He threw a couple of bad ones yesterday, but that's because the Pats actually have a secondary now, and that's what separates them from a couple years ago. You know?

They actually have a defense. But let me tell you something. If they do get there, and yes, they are going to get by the Colts. I mean, this is playing out like a wet dream. We beat the Colts by four touchdowns a couple weeks ago, and we had already beaten the fucking Broncos by three touchdowns. This is why you got to love this team. And, um, but let me tell you something. If we do make it, and I believe Seattle is going to get past green Bay. Um, there better be a pass rush. Cause it wasn't shit. Flacco was back there making a fucking hero sandwich for himself before he threw.

There was no pass rush. They got to tighten it up. It ain't going to be easy. But I think that's going to be the matchup. And I love Andrew Luck, but I'm sorry, brother. You're not quite there yet. You don't know, though, huh? And let's talk about that quickly, that game.

You don't know, though, huh? And let's talk about that quickly, that game. The Broncos, I've never seen a flatter Broncos team in the history since I've been watching football as a kid. At Denver, they just didn't even look interested. And let me tell you about Peyton Manning. I think, I'm going to make a prediction that he retires in the offseason maybe the next couple weeks i think he mentioned that you know he wanted to come back or he has been saying but i don't know he just doesn't first of all he doesn't have the arm strength i've been saying that since he came back from that neck injury and i know he had bad quads like really bad quad pole or something so i don't know if that was affecting but his arm looked extra weak yesterday didn't it he was throwing up some ducks and just didn't look emotionally. That team just didn't, they, they just, there was no fire in their belly and they were throwing these dink passes and they were getting booed. I just never saw a flatter team in a playoff, uh, playoff game. And it wouldn't be, it wouldn't surprise me if Manning said, this is it. That's enough. just never saw a flatter team in a playoff game.

And it wouldn't surprise me if Manning said, this is it, that's enough, shut it down. Sure ain't doing it for the money. Andrew Luck, man, does he throw darts. What a happy-go-lucky kid. Again, no pun intended, but he just seems to be enjoying himself out there. It's funny because my wife, it's funny hates when you know the quarterbacks call out this

call out the signals in the audible she gets like uh she was trying to she was trying to do a sudoku or some shit on the couch and uh i kept like turning it up turning up the tv every time uh andrew Luck came to the line, and I kept, I cranked the volume up on 11, and all she hears, Red 80! Red 80! Red 80! She's like, that crazy.

I only did that about 11 times, just to fucking, isn't that a beautiful marriage? Sure it is. But so you got luck against uh tommy boy i'll tell you i think it worked out because the two obstacles to the super bowl to me before the playoff started with the ravens obviously who have had great luck against us in recent years and the broncos those are the two teams i saw as the biggest obstacles for the Patriots to get to the Super Bowl. And they are no longer with us.

Are they, my Baltimore friends? Are they? You're sitting home with your fingers up your ass. I shouldn't say that. Leave it to me. I'm going to Baltimore in a couple weeks. In about a month. Rams head live.

Let's hope Suggs isn't home. Hope he doesn't live near the venue. Yeah, I got a gig. I just remembered that. That's good. It's like shitting on Mecca as I'm heading to... Shut up. you lost. Amendola.

He came up big yesterday. The little Italian. Came up big. Let's talk about NFC. Usually, again, I don't do much this much sports but come on and let me just preface this whole conversation by saying um I'm not a uh huge Cowboys fan I mean I like them more now than I did in the 70s. That's the other thing. How about Belichick tying Tom Landry's record and Brady passing his idol Montana? How thrilling is that?

Imagine breaking records of a guy that you as a kid used to worship. I mean, when you're tying Tom Landry's records, you guys probably aren't old enough to remember Tommy Boy. But in the 70s, the Cowboys, they were the dynasty. They were not as far as Super Bowl rings, but every year they would win. This is when they played 14 games. They would win 10 or 11 every year. They were like robots.

They had no emotion. And Tom Landry, the coach, had no emotion. But he just knew he was a football genius. He came up with a flex defense, and he played for the Giants. He was a defensive back for the Giants in the 50s and 60s. And just a stone face, just like Belichick. Made Belichick look actually gabby. And here Belichick is tying and breaking his coaching records.

I mean, that's rarefied air, man. And it's unbelievable. Unbelievable what the Pats have accomplished. I still, you know, to this day, I pinch myself. But Cowboys-Packers. And the other game was whatever, Carolina right Seattle they gave it a good go they came out hard but Seattle and and and Russell Wilson who is to me the best right now well it's neck and neck Brady doesn't have the legs right and? And not the, you know, but he can still gun it.

But Russell Simmons, to me, is the best left right now. Yes, Aaron Rodgers is, it's between those. Aaron's got a bad calf, though. So I think it might be Russell. But anyways, Carolina and Cam Newton gave it a shot. They gave it a good effort. And then Seattle just pulled away. I don't know if Seattle's the team they were last year, but I think they got enough to get past Green Bay. But let's talk about that game. That Des Bryant thing. And I want to discuss this for 10 episodes.

I made a note in my podcast notebook months ago to talk about what a reception is and how they have fucked this rule up so bad in the NFL and how it's the cause of reviews, which slows down the game. And they have to clean this up. It's just ruining the pace of the game. And I'm not coming at this from an uneducated uh point of view i am at this point a football scholar because i've been watching it since i was six played it in high school played it in college uh i don't think i've missed a weekend i'm 53 in a couple weeks so that's 47 years so i know what i speak of and to watch the evolution of what a reception is what it's turned into how they they have bastardized the original what happened folks was originally a quarterback throws a ball to the

receiver if he had two hands on it basically around it for like more than two seconds they used to kind of just approximate it would be considered a possession. Why don't you look up the word possession? I'm not going to because I'm too lazy. But the NFL has to look up the definition of the word, literally the word possession, because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about anymore. What happened, like I said, it used to be the guy would have two hands around the ball and then he'd get drilled and the ball would go flying out, right? And they didn't have

replay back then so the refs the refs it was the game it was happening too fast a guy again a receiver would have two hands around the ball and get hit and they'd go flying out they couldn't tell if he had it long enough that was the original question did he have possession long enough and that was the question now they have complicated this des bryant had that ball in the air for christ's sake for at least two seconds and um i'm not disagreeing with the call because i think as far as the rule goes today they made the right call but my point is they have to rewrite that rule like the tuck rule remember they had to revisit that um and they had to fix it same thing here they have to revisit this whole thing about making a football move and and and

and the ground can't the ground can cause an incompletion and blah blah blah the again you're getting away from the the crux of the issue which is possession. So the NFL refs could not keep up with it. The game became too fast, and they started blowing calls like that. So what the NFL did to try to remedy this over the years and where it is today, this is the final solution they came up with. If that ball comes out at all, even after at the very end of the play, we're just going to say incomplete to make it, it makes it easier on the refs. That's, that's the impetus for, for the way the rule is today. It's to make it easy on the refs.

If the ball pops loose, it's almost like a do-over. You know what I mean? It's like a, it's almost a do-over for the offense it's almost like a politically correct call it takes all the onus off the refs but that's what their job is to make the tough anybody can make the easy calls they have to make but my point being is they have to go back to what a reception of what possession means and if a guy has his hands around the football pulls it into his chest doesn't even pull into his chest, if he's holding it between his hands, I don't give a shit if his feet are on the ground or not. And he has it for, let's say, two seconds, that should be a reception or possession. But like I said, to make it easy and take the pressure off the refs, they have it

now that if he, you know, he's got to make a football move. And you see guys, they literally tuck the ball away. They take two steps and get hit and it comes loose. And what's the easy call? Well, it came loose. So that's an incompletion. And it's bullshit. And again, I'm not a Cowboys fan.

Des Bryant's a maniac, one of the best players, but I think he's a fucking head case. But that was an unbelievable play. And those are the type of plays he makes. And they got screwed. They got screwed. And the only justice in it is, let's be honest, the fucking Lions got screwed last week against the Cowboys. When they picked up that flag and didn't call it a parents or whatever. So it's a little justice, you know, comma, a little what goes around comes around.

But do you see what I'm saying? So what they've done with that rule, they've bastardized it. That's all about making it easy for the refs. But now that we have instant replay, we should go back to the old rule of what a reception is. Because we can watch on replay. if a guy had both his hands around that's all it should be time it i don't care two seconds i mean he had that ball forever and now i want to get to the other part of the play that nobody talks about there is no reason for des bryant to extend like that to try to reach for the goal line i I know that's going to sound weird to you guys who have been watching football,

you Johnny-come-lately's for the last 10 years, because that is the thing to do now, and it's been making me nuts for years. Hold on, I've got to shut off this space heater. That's right, you heard me, space heater. It's like I'm in a Vietnamese prison here. Hold on, kids. Jesus Christ. Frigging boiler's running again. Fucking oil.

Back to what I was talking about, the reception and reaching out with the football. I know what he was doing, you know, the goal line, but there's no need to do that, to risk that. And it happens all the time. I saw it in a couple of bowl games. I see it in the NFL all the time.

And it's not new. It's going on the last probably eight, ten seasons. It gets fashionable to when you're trying to get into the end. You get down to like the four-yard line. They reach out their hand with the ball. Do you understand why that's stupid? I don't think I have to explain it to you. And I don't want to sound like my old pal Vince Lombardi. But do you understand why that's stupid? I don't think I have to explain it to you. And I don't want to sound like my old pal Vince Lombardi, but do you understand why that's stupid fundamentally? Because there's no need to risk that, putting the ball out there like that.

Right, Vince? Am I right? What the hell's going on out here? They don't know, Vince. There's no reason to reach for the pylon. Do you know why that is? Because you risk a fumble. Even I've seen quarterbacks do it. Drew Brees, Tom Brady, like to do a quarterback sneak from the one-foot line. At least when they do it then, they have both hands on the ball. But do you understand why that's stupid? Because if you don't get in, okay, now it's second or third down and a foot. As opposed to you turning the ball over to the other team.

And Dez Bryant, when he extended out like that, I know he's just making an effort. He didn't have to. If he just held that ball and landed, it would have been first down or whatever. Second, I wasn't sure of the down situation, if that was a first down or not. But from the one foot line.

So there's really no reason to extend yourself like that starting a bowl game over the holidays kids running for the pot kids like running off tackle from like the two yard line and tries to reach and and i was waiting for this some linebacker punched the ball out of his hand before it got to the goal line so let's get let's clear that up and i and i don't hear coaches talking about it they might in practice but that'd be the first thing i tell my guys there's no need to risk a fumble down there it's first down you see these guys it's first and goal they're running off tackle and they get the runner back tries to reach over the ball out with one hand why if you get stopped it's second

down and goal as opposed to giving the fucking ball up to the other team with a fumble. So stop that. I'm like Vince. Old school. But do you see what I'm saying? On that play, Dez Bryant, that's why it popped up and came loose. He was extending himself. Again, in the moment,

sure, trying to make the effort, but really, fundamentally, just hold on to the ball. But that was a screwing. That was a horrible call. And again, I shouldn't say it was a horrible call because the way the rule is written,

it's probably the right call. But they have to change that rule. You gonna tell me he didn't i mean look up the word possession it's uh it's uh nine tenths of the law he had the ball forever can't we all agree on that but again like i said i'm not a cowboys fan and to know that they kind of they got a break against the lions i guess the lions the organization sent out a tweet we know how you feel that was kind of a little zinger to the cowboys i haven't watched tv today so i haven't

got des bryans take on it and blah blah blah but that's my take on it you have to they have to clean that up and they have to let the goddamn defensive backs play a little football every time they bump into somebody five yards downfield. Get rid of that shit. You know why those rules are there, right? To add more offense to the game for the morons who don't like a 14-7 game.

They get bored with it because they have the attention span of crack babies. We need to have 45 points scored in the first half. That's why anytime you change the rules or change anything and do it, you know, because of money, it always fucks it up. That's a life lesson. But, uh, boy, I would have been fucking furious. I would have been, I would have, you know, if I was the Cowboys, well, I would have been, I would have been like furious. I would have been, you know, if I was the Cowboys. Well, I would have been like this guy back in the 70s. Mr. Official, let me ask you something.

How can six of you miss a play like that, huh? All six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field. No. What? That's Hank Stram. Tell me that's not timeless.

Mr. Officials, let me ask you, how can all six of you miss a call like that? Exactly what you could have asked yesterday. What the hell's going on out here? Yeah, I know that was too loud. Don't whine on Twitter about it. Yeah, so there you go. Boy, Packers lucked out, huh? But goddamn, can Aaron Rodgers throw a dart when he has to? All these guys, all these guys, Brady. How about that pass to LaFell? Huh? How about that pass? He actually ran one into

it, didn't he? He is the son of god by the way tom brady um that pass to lafell they see the touch on that he's just uh cool there's a cucumber the dude so and when i think and this this keeps me up at night this is just me being selfish as a patriots fan do you realize they were two plays away from two more Super Bowl victories? In those Giants games, before Tyree actually made that unbelievable catch against his helmet,

do you realize the series before that? Eli Manning threw a ball right into Asante Samuel's hands, a defensive back for the Patriots.

This is with a little over a minute left, a minute and a half or two minutes. It would have ended, it would have gave the Pats a ball in the game. He dropped it. Nobody talks about this. I still bring it up.

Nobody mentions it. Everybody mentions the Tyree catch. That would have never happened. Asante Samuels had an interception thrown at him that a little girl could have caught. It went right through his hands. So that's one Super Bowl ring that it cost him. And then the Wes Welker thing

a few years ago against the Giants. We don't know for sure whether the Patriots go in there, but come on, with that offense, if he catches that ball, you're talking the greatest dynasty,

one of the greatest dynasties in sports. And I know right now you're sitting home if you're a Ravens fan going yeah if my uh my aunt had a dick yeah she'd be my uncle but i'm just saying that's how close so i i i would love to see brady and bella chicken get one more before you know but i don't think they're gonna have to worry about peyton manning anymore i gotta be honest

man he was he looked like he was a retarded girl thrown with her off hand anyways let's wrap it up uh uh holy christ an hour and 30 by myself if i get a sidekick in here we'll uh uh golden globes i don't watch your shit because i'm not in uh show business i thought i was and i realized I just play comedy clubs, and they have nothing to do with each other. I mean, every once in a while, somebody breaks big and gets lucky. But I'm watching the Golden Globes, and again, I'm supposed to be in show business. And I'm just, I'm like, and they're like, and the winner is the Honorable Lady.

And I'm like to my wife, is that a fucking series? Is that a Netflix? Is that a movie? Well, who are these people? And the winner is Diane Chuchulatz. Who the fuck's this fat pig? I've never seen these people. And they're, you know, they get tuxedos on.

They get an award. But like I said, I feel I want to watch it because Louis, I know Louis was up for one. He's a funny fuck. They put the camera on him and they go. They would read the nominees for best actor in a series and they put the camera on Louis and he shakes his head and does the cut sign like, no way, I'm not getting. It's still hard for me to see him sitting there amongst Hollywood royalty

because when I know him and we were together, I still know him, but when we first came to New York together, he hated anybody who was doing anything in Hollywood. But, hey, God bless him. So, yeah. What the fuck? I have clips here. How did they move from the page I put them on?

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler. Gee, I'm glad they finally gave those two a shot. Boy, is it the... And again, they're talented and I love them. I don't love them. I just lie. What am I saying? I've met them.

Well, I met Tina. And Tina's... Look, they deserve to be famous. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying. Every year. But they were good. I gotta be honest.

They look good. They sounded good good and the jokes are really good and uh i want to know who wrote the jokes i mean i i know teen is capable of writing this stuff but they don't have time when you're doing other shit but uh i thought they the the jokes and the monologue were the best part of the show. And they, not that they give a shit what I think. Who gives a shit? I know that. I'm just saying. I'm trying to be nice here, for Christ's sake. I'm just trying to be nice.

Let's play a little of the opening monologue. They both look good, too. I think Pola got some fake tits. Good evening. Good evening, good evening, and welcome, you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally talented brats. Oh! We are so happy to be here hosting the 72nd and final Golden Globe Awards. We got it. Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love,

as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with. That's right, the biggest story in Hollywood this year was when... They do that joke and they put the camera in Oprah and she makes this shocked look. She shrugs her shoulders. She laughed, but I'm just saying. It just goes to show how she takes everything literally and she damages the planet permanently like styrofoam. Back to the show.

North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released the interview, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it. North Korea referred to the interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror. Even more amazing, not the worst review the movie got. So far so good. And then near the end of their monologue, they, you know, went after a few people, I think, in the audience, which was kind of cute.

Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts. George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Hollywood! Hollywood! You know me, I'm not big on the men are stupid, women are genius, but that was a great joke. Great joke. I bet you Tina wrote that one. Or him. I think Tina. That's not like Tina. But great joke.

Great zinger. And by the way, that is the type of woman that like Cloney, you could see settling down. I mean, she's stunning in an exotic way. And she's like really super powerful, international lawyer of some sorts and just who you'd think but i'm curious i mean the guy's had so much ass let's see how long it lasts you know what was what was the snack you can't have just one back on one of the day that's how it is with hudds. And he's had a ton. I'd give him $1,100 to sniff his right thumb. But anyways, kids.

I'm going to wrap this up. Thank you again to Joe Rogan. To Greg Fitzsimmons. Jay Moore. Adam Carolla. And Marin, who I called in today. And Billy Burr for plugging me on his thing I want to get in like I said with those guys uh but it was a great trip and thank you fans for boy I'll tell you it's a whole new world and I love it if I could have it my way I'm going to do this from here for the rest of my life I'll come out to a club or a theater once in a while

but uh I love talking to you guys like this. Well, eventually, like I said, we're talking about me doing more of this stuff, charging a small fee, because people have made it clear that they'd be more than happy to pay for some, you know, for me to do more of this stuff. And, because I love it.

I really do. I'm doing a couple weeks. I think in February, they're going to pick a week or week of me to just do an hour on Sirius radio. Like my own hour. And taking calls live and stuff. So, yeah, I met with a guy, Gil. Thanks to Lou at Sirius. Who plugged my, had me go in and do that takeover a couple weeks ago.

He introduced me to Gil, his boss, so we discussed it. I really do, I have a passion for this stuff. Love talking about it. It's an interesting world, and it's a fun way to be funny without being interrupted by a bachelorette party. Oh!

You know what I'm saying? So, yeah. I want to do more of this stuff and uh that's it have i have i oh dates real quick dates because uh boy i've been on stage probably twice in a month this is gonna be fucking scary night the 23rd of january the suffolk theater in riverhead new york i'm looking forward to that i did that earlier in the year and i loved it and as i'm doing the sports haven uh it's a treehouse comedy club gig uh in new haven connecticut and i heard it's a nice like little theater somebody already did it, one of my buddies, and said it was nice.

That's on Saturday, the 24th of January. And then the following weekend, the 30th and 31st, Bananas in Hasbrook Heights. That's my birthday. Spend that at a Holiday Inn. All right? February 13th, Rams Head Live. If you Raven fans want to come out

on the 13th of February. And then, that's it, kids. Christ, work like Springsteen. That is it. Let's play, let's play the old ending of this show. Good night. Until we meet again. Um, let's play, let's play the old ending of the show. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.