The Nick DiPaolo Show - 068 - Jenner, Williams, Louie and Jordan

Episode Date: February 9, 2015

Jenner, Williams, Louie and Jordan

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. How are you? Ha, ha, ha, ha. What's happening? Doing this on a Sunday. Doing something with Amy Schumer on her show in a week and a half or so. And rehearsal tomorrow. I don't know what time.

I don't have the particulars. So I thought I'd bang this out now out of respects of you guys being so faithful to me. I check iTunes every couple days, and I'm in there. I'm in the top, you know, couple hundred. Top hundred lately, consistently, because the show's growing. Growing like Brian Williams' nose. Quack, quack, quack. NBC keeping up its pattern of lying.

We'll get to that in a few fucking minutes. Let's do some business at the top. Hey, another senseless killing. of lying we'll get to that in a few fucking minutes let's do some business at the top a uh another senseless killing i told you thanks to you guys uh the audio portion the mp3 is in the top hundred pre-orders on itunes and as of yesterday the actual dvd the video part is available for pre-order on itunes and uh if you don't want to wait till i think it's february 17th when you can actually buy it right there on itunes instead of just ordering it if you don't want to wait till february 17th go to nicktip.com and get it at my website for eight bucks or whatever you want to

pay and uh the record so far is 208 bucks by a guy who ordered it from his private plane, I'm guessing. No, I don't know. Had to be rich. Had another guy that paid $108, another guy that paid $101. And you guys are the best. You're animals. And yes, I do need the money. Don't mistake me for somebody who's successful in this business.

As I sit hunched over a card table in my basement doing a podcast. Actually, I got a new view today. I'm facing outwards. As you know, I had Deepu, Robert Kelly's, one of his young producers, nice Indian kid who, you know, naturally smarter than all of us put together. But he came up and, you know, he played around with my set here. Well, you know, we're thinking about shooting this. I'm not sold on it completely yet as far as putting on YouTube and all that.

I like the idea of me coming down here in my underwear and not having to brush my teeth or comb my hair. You know, put on lipstick and put a bar at my hair. You know, and just talking into the mic and looking like I would if I've never left the house. So I kind of like that aspect of it. And I don't, somebody has to explain to me the upside of people being able to watch it because it's not like I'm on a movie set and I have rockets going off behind me and there's a lion in a cage and, you know what I mean? I treat it like a radio show, broadcasting.

I love it. So he was up here and we were fucking around with the set and um i have like a bar behind me in my office i have a counter with a bar and like booze behind me and whatnot and but there's a sink and stuff i sent bob kelly a picture of it you know he's on the road somewhere and i sent him a text with a picture included saying, what do you think? And he texted me back, looks like a kitchen. Of course, I couldn't avoid the fat joke. I said, well, everything looks like a kitchen. And he's like, yeah, fuck you, dude.

Fucking. I go, I'm sorry. I'm just joking around. It's my natural tone. He goes, this is what made me laugh so hard. It's my natural tone, which it is. My natural laugh so hard it's my natural tone which it is my natural tone is sarcastic and he goes yeah why don't you fucking try working on that dude that's why i said it's my natural tone doesn't matter how much i work on it i can't change it

told you that 20 years ago me and lou.K., I'll never forget it. We're doing some club in the city that was a brand new club in those alternative rooms. And I walk in and said something. And the guy at the door, the owner, thought I was being a wise ass. But it was just my natural tone. And even Louis noticed. He goes, yeah, people are, like, bigoted against you because of the way you don't have voices. I can't help it.

You know, I've been like this since I came out of my mother. Even when my first words when I said dad dies, you know, it's on a sarcastic dad. Damn my ass. Anyways. Yeah. So go get the go get the special. Another senseless killing. Uh, yeah. So go get the, uh, go get the special. Another senseless killing. Uh, again, you can preorder it on iTunes as of yesterday and in Amazon and all that shit. And it will actually be ready for sale on those, uh, at least on iTunes on February 17th. Might never be ready for sale on Amazon. I don when are you going to be in Pittsburgh or whatever? And I go, hey, why don't you fucking let me stop what I'm doing and find out.

There's something called a website you can go to and see my whole schedule, you titless wonder. What's the matter with you? Was that too sarcastic? Oh, my eyes are itchy. God damn. What the fuck? I'm looking at a picture right now. It's a big, like, glossy 8x10 of me

and the best, well, the second best bad character, bad guy on TV, in TV history, Richie Aprile from The Sopranos, played by David Previle. I think that was his name. Please tell me I'm getting that right. It was a picture of me and him. We're both in tuxedos at an HBO,

it was an Emmy party or whatever the, not Emmy. Yeah, I'm a fucking singer now. Yeah, no, I was thinking Grammy. Yeah, Emmy. And I was right. But Chris, we get nominated for Emmy. We got to go to a party out,

you know, some fancy. And I ran into him. I was like in awe of this guy. He was just on that season and i run he's the first face i see coming at me anyways i'm looking at it and why i brought it up is because this is like uh you know i was explaining to my radiator system in my house and it's all based on steam and we just had a new boiler put in because the other one rotted like a 90 year old vagina with cancer it just got all

caked that was a bad analogy oh god uh but anyways the picture is uh on a table which is under a radiator which is on my ceiling because that's how they did it in 1937 the radiator when you have steam heat has to be above higher than the burner burner. So the burner's in the other room, obviously in the boiler room. And in my office, I have a radiator on my frigging ceiling. It's the craziest looking thing. But anyways, because we have a new boiler, it's spewing out steam like it's supposed to now. And the valve is spitting water and shit. Anyways, it's ruining a fucking picture that I value very much.

Life's just a ball of shit, isn't it? It's one thing after another. I'm just fucking... I know what's the alternative, everybody. What's the alternative? I don't know, and you don't know it either. Don't act like you fucking know. I don't know. Maybe you're being dead, you know. We don't know. Maybe heaven's a real thing.

Maybe right now my grandfather's getting blown by Italian supermodels. You don't know, you motherfucker. You Joe motherfucker! I really. You, Joe, motherfucker. I really fucked up this time, Frankie. Yeah, and Deepu, by the way, you had the fucking things plugged in, Rob. And Rob, if you're listening, you too. After Deepu left, I noticed we had to unplug all my shit, and then he plugged the board back in for me.

And there was a gray and an orange plug, and I said, don't those go in input 7 and 8? And they're like, no, it goes in the input output on the far right side of your board. So I was just, you know, I pulled all these song clips for you guys today, and I went to play them, and I got dead fucking silence. Sure enough, I moved the things. I pray to God that when I play these clips, they come out the show or Rob's gonna have a field day and deep who to with me anyways I real quick more plugs as far as dates go I'll be in the city site somewhere this week, but I don't count those that's what I'm working on shit

You're not gonna what are you gonna do play up from Florida to see me in a room that holds 11? Get the fuck out of here The comedy works February 26 27, 27th, 28th. That's in Albany, folks. And then in March, I don't even have a name for this. It's in Wyoming, Pennsylvania. Something called Building 24. I don't know.

The money's good. Who knows? And then that's March 6th, a Friday, by the way. And I'm doing a benefit on March 5th for the Green Berets. Tim McGill, the kids, Timothy McGill, he was from New Jersey. His sister contacted me. It's going to be awesome. I'm sure it's sold out.

It's just a tiny room, but there's like six of us comics doing it on March 5th. tiny room, but there's like six of us comics doing it on March 5th. But Google Tim McGill because he was a Green Beret and just 6'7", 285, unbelievable. But he was killed over there in action and they do a benefit every year. And I am flattered that they asked me. March 20 and 21, Arlington Draft House. I believe that's in Alexandria, Virginia. And then March 26, 27, 28. I'm coming out west again, folks. House of Comedy in Phoenix, Arizona. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 26, 27,

28. Yeah, baby. And then in April, where I shot my special, my favorite club, Acme, Minneapolis. April 9, 10, and 11, it looks like. All right, that's enough for now, ain't it? Sure it is. One more, Helium in Philly, April 30, May 1 and 2,

Helium in Philadelphia. All righty, kids, enough of the whoring. What do I want to talk about? Where do you want to start? I mean, oh, I did an episode of Louie. God, I love doing these shows. It's just fun. You know, I get down there on, what's today, Sunday?

I think it was Wednesday. I don't know. Does it really matter? But I get down there, and I was told to report to 14th Street between 2nd and 3rd here in New York City. And I'm like, well, Jesus, can you give me a specific address? They usually go right to the location where you're shooting. I get there, and there's something called honey wagons.

Those are those trucks, for those of you who aren't into show business, that you see parked along the side of the road sometimes. You know, the dressing rooms when you're on location shooting something. Louie's got about a half a city block with like three, four of those giant trucks. One of them have my name on the door. It's kind of fun.

It's like I was in show business for 10 seconds. You fuckers. And yeah, so I get there and, you know, it's bitter cold. Go into my little fucking trailer. I felt like I was on lockup I was in Ed Seg but I was in there cranking the friggin heat sitting on the toilet reading a paper and uh it was fun and then they uh yeah so I just hang out and and then uh you know

sat in there for about an hour and then they came and got me and walked a couple blocks down to 11th Street between, I think it was 1st and 2nd. An Italian pastry shop is where we were shooting called Venereo's, and I had never been in there, and if you live in the city or if you're visiting New York City, go to Venereo's. I'm not even a big, you know, pastry, sweets type of guy, but as you get older I don't know I'm giving into that shit I have never seen more beautiful looking shit I wanted to stick my

prick in half the cakes never mind eat them holy shit all these pastries and little tarts with like all the tarts they have like strawberries on them and look like they were they have six coats of shellac on them friggin unbelievable yeah place has been this since i go has this been here long i'm thinking he's gonna go yeah since like 18 i mean since 1985 or you know 1990 goes yeah 1894 so we shot in there and uh it was fun louie was just great fucking just uh i i've talked about it before to watch him work is just uh you know he gives me a sketch of a scene i remember getting the sides uh you know those are the scenes that you're in the script pages and uh i'm looking at it and going well this is kind of i don't see too many

laughs here it's kind of and i'm thinking to myself i know him he'll fucking whatever we'll fatten the scene you know so it was the whole episode's about louis having bad dreams i don't want to give too much away but i ran it to him and he was having trouble sleeping and i had just come off stage the cellar a comedy cell i was talking about that very thing on stage i come upstairs and he's talking about it it was so freaking weird and uh so in the scene we're in the pastry shop and we're just sort of walking along the case with all the food in it you know looking at the shit louie buys a cannoli and uh we just he kept kind of rewriting the scene right there because i told him about some of my real sleep problems he goes yeah i want to work that in and uh which we did and then uh he's eating a cannoli and of course we have to turn that into a dirty joke like louis always does to keep people uh on their toes

something really filthy and uh i don't want to give too much away but but but it was nice did we did like i don't know five or seven takes, or maybe not even that many. And he's giving me these little tips as far as what he wants from me, acting-wise and shit. And it's like, this fucking guy. I mean, isn't it enough he wrote the goddamn thing and he's acting in it? But he's directing it, telling it with a camera guy. I mean, it was just, it really, he makes it look too easy, this bastard. He's worth every penny.

I'll tell you, FX, you really scored a good one, you motherfuckers. Yeah, so it's fun to feel like you're in show business, you know? It really is. And Pam was there, you know, the girl, the woman, excuse me, I don't want to get in trouble. The woman that played on Lucky Louie, that played, well, she's on Louie, too. You know who she is. She looks like a mini Demi Moore. She's a producer on the show now, but her and Louie are tight.

So she's there. She couldn't have been nicer. She's cracking up at all this shit. Louie's saying under our breath, they wire you, and you forget. You start saying, like, off-color shit. Meanwhile, there's, you know, sound guys listening and everybody else. And that's not good for me. God damn it.

That reminds me of an article I was going to pull about. I saw her on the Internet. Something about Samsung saying not to talk about private stuff in front of your TV. That's all the headline said. I'm guessing, you know, people could be listening in. I'm guessing that was the gist of the article. I didn't i didn't pull it because i forgot that's why i need a producer um god don't talk about private

shit because i i don't know what it said what else it said i do a lot of shit in front of my tv i hope there's not cameras in there i mean getting a nut off to uh cindy brady uh yeah what so uh yeah bitter cold so we shoot the scene but inside but bitter cold that day the guy gives me a box of italian cookies and i'm like fuck that man i want the good stuff this guy couldn't have been nice he knew all of us from comedy and uh he's like my age and uh i'm like no i want the good shit so i ordered like now that i think about it they must have been going this guy's kind of greedy we gave him a box of cookies but i was gonna pay for it i said to the guy i'm paying for it and he goes no you're not he wouldn't let me pay for it so i went down the line i was ordering like uh you know rosie O'Donnell in her fucking heyday.

Ever have a lobster claw? You know, I'm talking pastry-wise. You know, it's like a shell. It's like a cream puff, only shaped like a giant lobster claw with like some type of cream. Holy shit. It's like eating a 22-year-old's ass. Mother of God. Female, of course.

And, yeah, so I walked out of there with two boxes walked by a homeless guy i was thinking about giving the cookies but then i'm like what if the guy comes outside the guy that owns it and sees uh that i gave the box of cookies to a fucking cheese dick laying on the sidewalk on his own peepee so uh yeah brought those home taking in about i don't know 450 grams of sugar on the last day and a half but that was that was fun it's like being in show business god bless you fucking ck i mean they're in their fifth season already you believe it and i couldn't believe like i said the honey wagons were half a block he had half a block it's fun to be close

to somebody and watch him i mean like i said i came down here with louis back in 1989 90 we were just kids roaming the city and doing santa watches kid turn into like you know the real deal it's kind of fun don't they get i don't get to talk to him as much unless i run into him and i'm doing another episode next week uh well i shouldn't say another episode who knows it's another scene maybe it's the same episode i don't know but i was looking my contract and we usually get like scale and i think it was i jesus uh it's the fifth season and I know Louis it looked like I don't know it looked like three and a half times what I usually get paid

to do an episode let's hope so they probably got the numbers wrong and that was meant for somebody else we'll see but if that's the case and in more showbiz news as far as I go like I said Amy Sch, I read for something.

We did a table read. She asked me to be on her show, which is a huge hit on Comedy Central. This broad is funny. And I'm not just saying that. She sits at the Comedy Cellar table, and she can best anybody at that table. She's the real deal. She can write it. She can deliver it.

And that's why there's no, you know, it's not an accident she's as famous as she is. But they're doing an episode, and I don't want to give it away. But the whole episode is based on, like, this scene out of a movie. I don't know how much I can give away. But there's big names in it. Let's put it that way. And I've got to rehearse tomorrow. I don't have the particulars, like I said, but it's a lot of shit. The scene's like 18 pages long.

I actually have a lot of stuff to remember. It's going to be fun. So yeah, I'm pretending I'm in show business for this week. And then, you know, about a month from now i come back from vacation i'm up in albany it'll be 11 degrees and i'm at the comedy works great club by the way but i'm just saying it's a real mind fuck this business um what do you want to talk about i say brian williams about i say brian williams how funny i mean why are people so shocked nbc's been carrying water to the most left-wing shit outfit out there they've been carrying water for obama before he was elected and uh you know msnbc tampered i don't know if it was msnbc at the time or actually nbc that tampered

the remember the george zimmerman tapes during the Trayvon Martin? They edited them and then apologized, trying to make him sound racist on the 911 calls. Do you remember that? And then Martin Bashir said that Sarah Palin should actually eat shit. They just, they fucking, they lie for a living, these motherless, titless one-biz. Who are they shitting?

Okay? And this guy's turning out to be, hey, the fact that he didn't come out and just resign and said, yeah, I get caught in a lie. The fact that he's going, I made a mistake. No, making a mistake is fucking like, uh, ordering beef chow mein for your wife instead of chicken when she asked. Uh, You know? Making a mistake is taking a left turn instead of a right and getting lost on the way to your mistress's house or whatever the fuck. What the fuck?

Jesus Christ. Sorry, folks. That'll get you on your toes. Uh-oh, that could happen a lot. It's my family group messaging. Hold on a second. Let's see if I can fuck this up. I just hit something that's mute on. I hope the fuck

it doesn't mute like my sound effects. Is that going to mute my sound effects? I don't know. I'm going to take it off sound effects is that gonna mute my sound effects i don't know ah i'm gonna take it off this is hilarious i'm gonna talk about this too my technology skills are eroding you might hear that again i don't know why that was so loud. You might hear a few of those going off, but I got a ton of clips here that I want to play.

But, you know, it's back to Brian Williams. God, I need a friggin' producer. I need a real one, maybe one from MSNBC. Joe Miller, who says he was the flight engineer on the helicopter uh he said he was a flight engineer on williams helicopter said williams was excited from the beginning immediately spinning a what-if story he had the audacity to tell me the whole thing was like saving private ryan and that the whole army would be out looking for him. Miller said, adding, I called him an idiot in front of his camera crew.

I haven't seen this Joe Miller guy on TV yet. Part of William's self-illusion is that he's some sort of ordinary Joe in touch with real America. This is Kyle Smith in the post, by the way, but it's true. He, uh, he just, you know, he, people describe as like a blue collar guy from Jersey, but his dad was an executive and,

uh, he makes $10 million a year. Kyle Smith says he makes 10 million a year for, for successfully looking troubled or sincere or amused while reading 20 minutes of scripts. But when I first heard this story, and I looked for this clip, and of course I couldn't find it. It reminded me of the Stephen Wright bit. Remember Stephen Wright? One of his bits, he goes, so the other day I was

oh wait that wasn't me something like that that's the first thing I thought of of course like I said I scoured the internet for the clip and you know there's so much Stephen Wright material I wasn't going to spend another two hours trying to find that fucking joke but anyways

but he's lying about it over and over and the story gets bigger and bigger it's like you know it really is But anyways, but he's lying about it over and over. And the story gets bigger and bigger. It's like, you know, it really is true. It's what guys do. And they, you know, when you catch a fish and then you tell that story over and over again, you talk about banging, you know, banging a hot broad when you were younger. She gets hotter and hotter and whatever. But you can't do that if you're the fucking anchorman can you

so anyways he's taking himself off the newscast for a few days I don't know how he gets to make that decision NBC they don't know what to do they say and some people really don't like the guy look again who knows i mean you know you you believe i mean he definitely lied about this and he lied about it on letterman and i mean there's no doubt about that but i'm saying

people are saying now a lot of people can't stand him that he's a real, you know, real asshole. People at NBC don't like him or whatever, but that's all hearsay, you know. But as managing editor of NBC Nightly News, I have decided to take myself off of my daily broadcast for the next several days, and Lester Holt has kindly agreed to sit in for me to allow us to adequately deal with this issue. That wasn't a bad Brian Williams.

But I made a mistake. I confused the two stories. That's like going, you know, I was raped as a child by my uncle on my 12th birthday. Or did he give me a pony? I can't remember. If you hear clanging, folks, by the way, way too that would be my radiators you gotta it's a real homey touch to the show you have to admit um do you know i mean how do you how would you ever forget that you think uh i mean it's such

a slap in the face such a slap in the face to veterans who have been you know who get killed over there shot down or people who have got shot down and survived or anybody who's faced fire you know me and arty uh and uh baba buoy florentine david tell i put this picture up on twitter get retweeted a ton of times we went over to uh afghanistan like 2008 with a uso and there was an air raid over there and we had to run to a shelter okay but turns out that the you know the bomb or whatever they thought was heading out was miles and miles away and I keep saying that it doesn't get any closer every time I tell this story we were in no danger although they ran we had to go into a bomb shelter just in case.

And we could hear the sirens going off. But, you know, 10 years from now, I'm not going to go, yeah, it landed about 250 yards. It knocked the tells of glasses off and burnt Florentine's nose hairs and Artie's pants caught on fire. But we survived and a bunch of horse shit. But he's got to step down. He's done now. How are you going to report on future military news with a straight face? You know what I mean?

But now more stuff is coming out. Maybe he's a bitch or a liar. They're talking about when he covered uh when he covered uh katrina you know um he said he slept when he's covering katrina he was in a hotel and he slept on a mattress under a stairwell or some shit and um in fact the and this is quote now from people who were there in fact the anchor belly ached about not getting his own uh hotel room arena even a hot cup of coffee during the worst of the 2005 hurricane aftermath according to multiple sources who were employed at the four four star ritz car Carlton. He cried.

Here's the quote part. I'm sorry. The other part was not. He cried and complained when we explained why we couldn't serve him coffee due to the lack of running water. He literally almost started crying. Again, is this true or not? You know, I don't know.

But I wouldn't fucking doubt it. These guys aren't in touch. but I wouldn't fucking doubt it. These guys aren't in touch. Guys that anchors. Tom Brokaw said, I did not say, all the reports came out a couple days ago,

Brokaw, it says he wants, you know, Brian Williams' head on a platter, and Brokaw said, that's not true. I haven't made a definitive statement either way. I've known Brian for a while. Hey, my impressions are pretty good today. So, in a Sundance Channel documentary, Williams had claimed he was sleeping on a mattress in a fifth-floor stairwell

and had to be rescued by Matt Pincus, a young sheriff's department officer who had been chauffeuring him around. Pincus found me on a mattress on a hotel stool and brought me back and got me back to work, he said. Where's the fucking thing that said he's an asshole and people don't like him? Again, maybe true, may not be true. But yeah, he's kind of smug, kind of glib, and you see him on Letterman. Yeah, he's kind of smug, kind of glib, and you see him on Letterman. And then there's another headline when he claimed he was robbed at gun.

But long before Brian Williams was caught lying about his chopper coming under fire, he claimed he stared down the barrel of a bandit's gun as a teenager in sleepy Red Bank, New Jersey. Back in the 70s, I guess he was selling Christmas trees by the side of the road and some guy held him up and uh again this I'm sure there's ways of checking the facts on that one but you know a few people that they interviewed today that live in red banks said that's bullshit it was safe as hell but that doesn't mean somebody couldn't have done that I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt on that one oh less carbone 85 uh felt much the same way don't listen to brian williams he said he's going to tell you a lot of things i doubt he was robbed at gunpoint that's an 85 year old guy's probably a

little bit cynical um where's the fucking thing yeah that's about it. But it's so silly to say, you know, I made a mistake. That is just horse caca. You lied. You got caught. You got to step down. It's over. It's over. Now we can do about it. It's over. What do you mean? He's gone.

He's gone. What do you mean? He's gone. Now we you mean? He's gone. Now we can do about it. So, I don't know, Brian. I don't know how that works. He just signed the new contract where he makes, I don't know, a couple mil a year for the next 10 years or something. Can you imagine?

And it really is reading off a teleprompter. Yeah, they, you know. I love one of the people that is defending him is uh you know who stunard from cbs fucking mike wallace no dan rather excuse me wallace was actually a good guy dan rather and we all know how credible he was lying about george w bush's military record and getting caught falsifying documents okay and then fucking still not admitting to it. And that's why he got the frigging boot. And that's the guy, one of the few guys that's defending Brian Williams.

Look, he's got a lot of money. It's a lot of money for a kid like you there, Brian. Just tell him you want to play crap in Vegas. So he seems to be spinning a bunch of tails. Now I heard, I read somewhere thec is going to go over like the last five years of his reporting to like look for any other fucking you know falsities i just made that word up uh and then i hear katie kerik is circling to maybe land in his chair jesus christ they already tried that once nobody wants to see that crooked clown face.

She can have the job if she's in a miniskirt with her legs up and a pair of pumps. She's got good wheels, but that face is like a clown who got hit with a line drive

at a softball game. Enough of those assholes, but you know, that's NBC. That didn't surprise me. They're lying sacks of cheese. Fucking. What else is in the news?

How about our boy Bruce Jenna or our girl Bruce Jenna? I don't know. I don't know what to call him. As Dennis Miller said, when did the greatest athlete on earth turn into a... Mrs. Hathaway from Beverly Hills. But we're just still... It really is.

You understand Bruce Jenner was a hero of mine? Come on, I was 14 when he won the fucking decathlon or whatever it was. Remember, he's literally the greatest athlete on earth. And then the Kardashians got a hold of him. Look, they neutered the motherfucker. But, oh, he's in the news for a lot of shit other than his weenie slash vagina.

You know? Apparently, he was in a car accident. Oh boy. They're exploiting you. But no, I want to do it myself. What are you anyways, a he or a she? This goes out to Bruce Jenner, one of my idols. I'm not doing a song parody.

I'm actually going to play the song. But Pacific Coast Highway, I saw an accident right in Malibu. Probably right where he... That's a scary little highway, that stretch right there. ... ... ... ... ...

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... ... ... ... ... .......................................... She says, hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side. He's an ugly motherfucker. I hope he fixes his face, because right now, Jesus, he's like a woman who fell into a friolator. More wrinkles than a sharp-faced nut's dipped in ice water. Candy came from out on the island.

He's from right down the street, Sleepy Hollow. She was everybody's darling. Yeah. From out on the island. He's from right down the street, Sleepy Hollow. She was everybody's darling. Yeah. But she never lost her head, even when she was giving head. Say hey, Bruce. Go live with the Kardashians, you dumb motherfucker. Said hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side. And the colored girls go doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Coolest line in the history of music. I don't know if it's allowed today. wild side and the colored girls go do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do leather shorts, no shirt on, and a sailor's cap like Freddie Mercury. Picture that as I do the rest of the podcast. God, what a song. Yeah, that stretch of Pacific Coast Highway, when I was living out there, me and the wife were heading up to San Francisco, I think. And that's what you do. It's hard to get lost. You head towards the Pacific Ocean, make a hard right onto Pacific Ocean. But we were in traffic. You know, it's like a two lane on one side

and two lanes on the other side, if I remember correctly. And I remember there was a black couple on like a Harley, some on a motorcycle that they blew past us. They were like four or five cars ahead of three or four cars that I could still see them. And all of a sudden, same thing.

Somebody locked them up. And I remember this guy and they were moving on this motorcycle with a girl on her back, him tipping over, trying to stop the bike goes down and they slid. I mean, they slid like what it seemed forever i don't know how much skin they lost and right into the back of like a uh another car and the bike just like exploded into plastic pieces everywhere and shit and i remember we finally get up there and go past and no i wasn't gonna fucking stop all right i was on my way to san francisco i still had another 800 miles to go but um i remember seeing like him with they call it road rash he

was missing a couple layers of wallpaper on his side because he had like a he i remember he wasn't dressed probably it was like a short he had a t-shirt or a leather vest with nothing on it. But just, I could see Road Rash glaring in his right leg. It was just, oh, Jesus. I can't imagine what that felt like. But it sounds like the same thing with Jenner with somebody stopping. Somebody in a Prius, I guess. That's what the story is.

Stopped. And somebody crashed into the Prius, I guess. That's what the story is. Stopped. And somebody crashed into the Prius. And then Jenner, he had a trailer with some type of vehicle on the back of it. He was towing that, which is extra weight. And I guess it was a little wet, the road. So he crashes into that person in front of him, which is an elderly lady named Kim Howe. Turns out she's like neighbors with Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian in some gated community.

And she gets pushed into the oncoming traffic, and she gets hit by a Hummer, and she's killed like instantly. God, what a horrible, horrible story. And yes, my first instinct was, you know, Bruce was probably adjusting his eyeliner or his lipstick in the mirror. And I know everybody had that on their mind. But apparently, they have a picture of him. Somebody saw him with a cigarette. Of course, in California, that's like having a loaded fucking gun out in, you know, Sproutville, Yogurtville.

He had like a cigarette in one hand now they're talking about possibly somebody claimed that he was texting i don't know how they know that but they're gonna obviously check his phone to find out but they do show a picture with a cigarette in his hand but so what it's not like he flicked the cigarette into the into the old lady's car and it burst into flames um yeah so god it's so i mean god is life weird that's right agenda bender ladies and gentlemen i think dana ghoul somebody used to do a joke about that and it was too he mentioned two people in the joke like boy george and somebody else getting in a car and he this was ago, obviously in the 80s. He called it a gender bender.

Yeah, that woman was 69. And she's gone. What do you mean? Yeah, she's gone. What do you mean? Nothing we can do about it. She's gone. What do you mean?

Okay, she's gone. Wait, what do you mean? Okay, she's gone. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating like me? Like Bruce. There's the cigarette in the hand. Looks like a

joint. But he's pulling some type of trailer with like a four-wheel vehicle on it. That didn't help the extra weight, I'm sure. Too bad.

Boy, he's fucked, isn't he? Jesus, that car got demolished. Frigging life. Life, death. Just since I talked to you last, there was a Metro North train accident. The same train that, type of train that,

you know, that people take in and out of Westchester into the city that I've taken thousands of times. And no, I'm not pulling a, you know what,

I think I was on that train the other day when the lady pulled on the tracks and there was an explosion. No, that wasn't me. That was Stephen Wright. Yeah, the Metro North train, Valhalla, pull on the tracks and uh there was an explosion i i no that wasn't me that was uh was steven right um yeah the metro north train valhalla which is up here up by white plains not far and uh lady tries to cross the track first of all there was an accident on the taconic so she gets off the

taconic and takes some side roads or whatever or maybe an accident on the sawmill something forced her off the road she was on so she was taking back roads when she tried to cross these tracks and um the thing the train things you know the crossing uh what do you call it that come down the wooden things jesus christ it's like i lost my mind uh they came down on the back of her car she gets out to look and then gets back in the car and apparently panicked and tries to pull across the tracks. And the train hits her, killing her instantly, obviously. And the third rail, you know, like the third rail, which is that electrical,

it has a ton of electrical charge running through it, that passed her car and passed the front of the train. That's what caused the explosion, I guess. Five people, five or six people died in the train. The odds of that are going to be one in a trillion. Some lady, and there was a guy, there went to be a guy in a local news today that was on the, can you imagine he was in the front car, which is the car where everybody died.

And somehow he got out with his life. But it's a Metro North train. Taking it a thousand times. When your number's up, it's up, man. God, what a horrible friggin' story. What am I doing? Car crashes? Train crashes?

Is that the section of the show we're at? What else? Excuse me. At first they said he was being chased by paparazzi. Now they're saying that's not true. They might have been behind him but he he said he wasn't running from them so i'm not sure again you read the internet then you read the paper you get nine different doesn't matter it wasn't like it was a high-speed chase he's trying to get away

from if they were right even any paparazzi involved so there's questions about that at this point but uh bruce's quota is saying that he's used to that, you know, so that wasn't really the case. But what a mess, huh? What a mess. How's he going to buy that new vagina, that Mercedes vagina he had his eyes on and those tits, those aren't cheap, those diamond-encrusted nipples. Oy, what's he going to do now? He's going to have to go through the rest of his life just an ugly fella with a ponytail.

Maybe he can play bass for the fucking, I don't know, the foreigner cover band. I do that every time I make a shit joke. What else is in the news, kids? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Whitney Houston's daughter. What the fuck? That's, you read about that today? You know, Christina Bobby,

or Bobby Christina, I should say. This might be some foul play involved there. That's what it says in a paper today. That's a creepy story, man. I mean, so they find the daughter just like they found Whitney in the tub, face down, but she had, like, bruises and stuff, and, you know, if you guys don't, I'll give you a quick, you know,

I'll give you a quick synopsis. Whitney took in this kid, Nick Gordon, like when he was 12. He was a son of a friend of hers, but then the woman said she couldn't take care of her own sons, and Whitney felt bad, adopted him. And he sort of acted as Bobby Christina's older brother, but then they announced a few years after that they were dating, and then they announced that they were married.

The fuck is that about? Is this Atlanta or Tennessee we're talking about? Thank you. You like the mood music? That's actually my wife playing sax like three feet from me. Pretty good, huh? That's right. Blow that horn, honey.

Blow that horn honey blow that horn yeah so uh this so-called surrogate brother that she was fucking i don't know it's really a mess like i said um so now they believe like they like you know bobby brown was never really comfortable with this kid, this Nick Gordon guy. And now they're starting to believe that he had his eye on Whitney's money since the day she died. And he's like a suspect now. They're going to be questioning him. So that's weird. Again, I don't usually get into this Hollywoodllywood shit but that's you know when it

involves murder in real life types that's when i get interested so uh yeah he was he wasn't popular with the family the grandmother said it was an incestuous relationship which wasn't really because they weren't blood related i mean you know i've given given my cousin a couple, and I'm just kidding. But so that's kind of weird, huh? So he's under suspicion. It's awful odd, isn't it? I mean, I guess she's been a mess since her mom died. It's sad, really sad. She wanted to be an entertainer, a singer,

and apparently she has the voice of, you know, Bea Arthur. So it didn't really work out but then this kid stuck around and he used to defend her anytime guys tried to date her and then he was and they announced they were married at one point but then she is it uh bobby christina she said to her dad that we're not married. So legally they aren't married, which means this Nick Gordon guy's out of the money. So they're looking at that as a motive. Pretty friggin' ugly shit.

Yeah. I got a Bed, Bath & Beyond joke, but I'm not gonna do it right now out of respect. I did it. I waited about a year after Whitney won. Oh, Coke drip. So that's kind of creepy, isn't it? Kind of creepy.

I don't know what to make of that one. Again, until you find the facts, but... And then they get in a brawl this weekend, I guess, you know, when they met at the hospital, because she's been on life support. And there's no movement there. It looks like they're going to pull the plug or whatever. And Bobby Brown left and went to...

It said in the paper to celebrate his birthday. Now, that could be... Again, that could be taken out of context. Although I know he's not the most savory character. But, you know, it was his birthday. And they said he went to a restaurant after being at the hospital for a few hours to celebrate his birthday. Which, I don't know if that's true or not. Might be.

I don't know. But I guess there was a brawl involving this guy and a cousin. And, Jesus H. That's a reality. Where are the cameras then? Fuck the Kardashians shopping for shoes. Let's see some, you know what I mean? Fuck Chris Brown getting in a fight at a champagne room.

This is real life drama. So apparently some shit erupted there that's uh yeah what else uh then we had uh let's move on to some world knows uh isis since i talked to you last uh had the balls to release a video of them burning a Jordanian pilot alive. He's like 28 years old. I know you all saw it. I won't even watch this shit. I know it's on the Internet, and I won't watch it. I'll watch a German girl piss into a fellow's mouth,

but I'm not going to watch a pilot burn to death. So they either put him in a cage, doused him with gas, in a cage, and then just a new level of fucking cruelty. But he was Jordanian. And apparently, King Abdullah, the King of Jordan,

don't play that shit, yo. He don't play it. So what he did, he announced, I'm going to fuck these people up, and I mean it. The next day he immediately

executed a couple of a couple of prisoners that they had they were like suicide bombers I know one of them was a woman I don't know I'm not sure about the other one but he immediately

executed them to stick it up Ice's ass and he he quoted William Money, again, one of my favorite characters ever. I told you Richie Aprile was the baddest guy. Well, my favorite Western is The Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood.

He played William Money. And there's so many quotable moments. But apparently he quoted... and i couldn't find that clip that i wanted but uh well here's some uh this is kim just picture kim uh kim king abdullah this is what he had to say to isis this is um from the unforgiven who's the fellow owns this shithole who's the fella own this shithole sounds like me and i walk into one of my clubs speak up uh i own this establishment

that's my radiator. Bought it from Greeley for a thousand dollars. You better clear out of there. Yes, sir. This is King Abdullah talking to Isaac. Just hold it right there. Hold it! One down.

It's about ten guys right now. He's facing them all in a bus alone the best fucking move you were a cowardly son of a bitch that's a shot an unarmed man well he should have armed himself he's gonna decorate his saloon with my friend there you go King Abdul way money out of Missouri kill women and children that's right I killed women and children in my last special. Ned was Morgan Freeman, by the way. He's like six against one.

Talking about King Abdullah there. Watch your mouth, fella. My radiator. Misfire. Kill us, you bitch. Goodness. What the hell is that? I didn't listen to the whole clip. You get the idea idea that's what King that's who he quoted

William Money actually the quote he uses there's a scene in The Unforgiven where right after that I think Clint Eastwood goes outside and he's hiding out there

I can't remember if it was before or after this scene but he said I'm gonna I'm gonna shoot your sons of bitches and if anybody comes out and takes a shot at me,

I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill all your friends. I'm gonna kill your wife and burn down your house. They said that was the quote King Abdullah was using from the movie. This King Abdullah, man. People are so friggin' impressive when I consider what I've done with my

life I feel like a real cheese dick but well I mean he was handed the throne by his old man but his old man wasn't going to give it to him he was thinking about giving it to like another brother or some nephews on his deathbed the old man decides to give it to Abdullah

but this guy ain't no cheese dick he went to the islamic educational college in amman um i actually went there for a year i played uh junior football i returned punts for the kabooms uh he he then attended st edmunds school uh hind head in england before continuing his education in the U.S. at Eagle Brook School in Deerfield Academy in Deerfield, Mass., my home state of Massachusetts.

Can you imagine? In 1980, he joined the Royal Military Academy, Sanhurst, was commissioned into the British Army as a second lieutenant, served for a year as a troop commander in the 13th and 18th Royal Hussars. In 1982, Abdullah was admitted

to the Pembroke College, Oxford. That's not, that's no DeVry. That's some serious book, book smarts. Where he completed a one-year special studies course

in Middle Eastern affairs. Returned home, joined the Royal Jordanian Army, serving as an officer in the 40th Armored Brigade and undergoing a parachuting and freefall course. And then he studied lesbian studies in Afro-American history. No, in 1985, he attended the Armored Officers Advance Course at Fort Knox,

over here, and in 1986 became commander of a tank company in the 91st Armored Brigade, holding the rank of captain. He also served with the Royal Jordanian Air Force and its anti-tank wing, where he was trained to fly Cobra attack helicopters. In 87, he attended Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown. Jesus Christ. I went to Danvers High School, played some football with Mark Bavaro,

went up to UMaine, had a mediocre career, and started telling dick jokes, and here I am. How's this for a resume? Christ. So I think ISIS might be fucking with the wrong guy. He ain't playing, yo. He ain't playing, yo. He yo he took the lead you know he doesn't lead from behind like our community organizer who runs this country uh we'll degrade them eventually and we'll get we'll get a bunch of uh a coalition together made up of um poland ireland and czechoslovakia and... Shut up! Get all the fire power in the world and we use our fucking military like it's the Red Cross. We'll give them blankets and hot tea

and they can discuss the, you know, Affordable Care Act. Dick cheese. So this could be a turning uh point they were writing miss they were writing messages you can tell he was trained over here in special ops they're writing messages on the missiles we got to do that over in afghanistan or was that brian williams wait a minute no it was me uh yeah we got the right missiles we put like fuck saddam or whatever they let us write on the side of the uh missiles and uh yeah so they were writing uh isis the the um enemy of islam or whatever so they hope in and everybody's hoping uh that you know the muslims over there

the countries with muslims and uh that have a military that they're gonna, uh, become one unit. And that's what's going to happen. You know, we can put forces on the ground over there, but that's a last resort. We don't want to get into another fucking mess, right? Drones only do so much. It's got to come from them. The people in the neighborhoods have to stand up and that's easier said than done, man, because you're going to literally lose your head. But King Abdullah, man, they fucked with the wrong guy. They fucked with the William Money of Jordan. Who owns this shit hole? You're a fat fuck, step forward.

So let's poll for him. Impressive dude, huh? What else we got on the agenda? Tiger Woods, not so tough. He quit again. Let me, can I just give my theory, and again, this is just an opinion.

It's just my opinion. But I really believe that he was juicing in his heyday. Because he had that body. He had that physique. I mean, he's an athletic guy. He's big. He's a big guy, Tiger. But he was thick through the shoulders and back.

I don't know if, I don't see that thickness anymore. And anytime you see a world-class athlete see their performance decline this fast, it's usually something like Reuters. Again, I don't have proof of it. Just my theory. But, I mean, he's falling apart physically and mentally. And he's just, you know, it's a tricky thing because, what, a year ago, he was voted Player of the Year on the tour.

You know? So it wasn't that long ago he was finding his swing again. But he's a fucking mental mess now. People are saying, well, it's because now, you know, he's got a wife and kids and whatever, you know. And he's not as focused. He's got Lindsey Vonn, piece whatever, you know, and he's not as focused. He's got Lindsey Vonn, piece of ass skier that he's tapping, and he's not as focused, which is, you know, that's very viable theory. But, I mean, Jesus, last week he shot an 82.

There's, you know, retarded four-year-olds that can shoot an 82 i mean that it was really amateurish and uh so and now he's at tory pines this place he's won like eight he was going for his ninth win at this course it would have been a record or whatever and uh physically his back just tightened up there was a delay because of fog he said um he said when we had that break it just never loosened up talking about his back and it got tighter and tighter it's frustrating shut down like that i was ready to go he was two over though and he was in about 130th place okay i've yet to see him walk off when he's uh 11 under and ahead by two strokes. He said he couldn't reactivate his glutes. They tightened up.

My wife has that problem. She can't activate her glutes. That's why I spank her with a paddle I stole from my fraternity. Yeah, so that's... He's 39 years old. Has six withdrawals in 304 PGA tournaments. But all of them have come in the last five years. I don't think he's coming back.

I don't know. Again, it's, I don't know. Mickelson disagrees, and I guess he would know more, and a few other golfers said Tiger's going to have the last laugh. And they might be right, only because, like I said, a couple years ago, you know, after stinking for a few years, he was the player of the year at the PGA. So, I don't know. I'm not a real golfer. This is all I know about golf right here.

Kenny Loggins. You know it all right, Spidey. You're a stuttering... You know it all right, Tiger. You're a stuttering, sputtering little... Yeah. What's it do? My glutes. Why don't you just let me be? What's it do? Doing it naturally

Ah, my glutes. I can't activate my glutes. Somebody get me a jar of mayonnaise and a... Gonna disagree Nine iron. I'm fucking activating your glutes. Isn't it a mystery Jesus Christ, I don't... I hope I don't get bagged playing music that I don't own. But I'm doing these guys a favorged playing music that I don't own.

But I'm doing these guys a favor. Come on. Revive this song. 1980, for Christ's sake. Anyways, Tiger. I don't know. How funny was Caddyshack, though? Ted Nice, huh?

He was as good as Marlon Brando was in The Godfather. Ted Nice. Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here. Member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy snobatorium? But this whole place sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks. That's right, it sucks.

Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it. Buy? Bushwood? Ah, was he great. Jesus. He's right from Connecticut, too, you know. Ted Knight, the late great. That's about it, kids.

Snowing again. Jesus H. Can't wait to go on vacation at the end of the month. Go to nickdip.com. Get Another Census Killing. People are digging it. And again, February 17th, you can buy it on iTunes and Amazon and all that shit. And it's already, you can pre-order if you want on iTunes and Amazon.

And I watched quickly over the weekend. What did I watch? I just happened to stumble over, um, photo man. Was that what the name of it? Robin Williams. And I just felt bad, man. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to just because, uh, you know, I wasn't a huge fan. I liked his acting better than his comedy. And I had never seen that. And it caught my attention for the first minute or two. So I watched it. Pretty good. I'm pretty sure I could pull off a role like that. Act like a fucking weirdo.

A loner. Pretty sure I'm doing it now in real life. But I got to be honest. It was better than I thought it was going to be. I'm still wondering. Because I told you, Louis did a movie. I think it was Tomorrow Night was the name of it. is that the one where chuck sclar comedian friend of ours played a kind of a weird guy with glasses that ran a camera shop and it always i always wondered if

the guy that like maybe planted a seed for the guy that wrote this not saying he stole it i'm just saying but uh robin williams was good it was uh it was better than I thought. And I also watched Shine the Light, which you're probably like, really? You're just getting around to that? Yes. I have shit to do. You know, Scorsese, when he filmed the Rolling Stones a few years ago at the Beacon Theater here in New York. And I absolutely loved it. Felt like I had seen the stones the beacons

not that big folks you know the stones they can play a couple hundred thousand people if they want the beacon I've done comedy there a few times you know a couple thousand seats maybe I don't know so it was like seeing them intimately and of course Scorsese's got 11 different cameras there 111 I should say and it was, the Stones are so fucking cool. Even in their 70s almost or whatever. I mean, they are just chronically hip. Just a kick-ass show. I got to catch them.

I don't care. I know I missed them in their heyday, but I got to catch them live. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't you know but I mean Jesus Christ I just think about the life these guys have led and it was weird at the end of the movie it says dedicated to some guy

Ahmet Aturjian I don't know how you say his name but he's a Turkish American parents are from Turkey he was born over here they lived around the dc area and he was a real music fanatic so he went to all the black club clubs back in the 40s i guess 40s or 50s in the washington dc area he was a young kid he hung out he ended up starting

atlantic records and he wrote songs and and he produced albums and and and he was from a wealthy filthy wealthy like royal family over in turkey and he and yeah he started atlantic anyways at the end this guy's name comes up amir eterjian whatever and i google it he was uh he was at the show that night, at the Stone Show that Scorsese was filming. And apparently, he slips and falls and bangs his head, like in a meet and greet area. Bangs his head on some concrete. And, you know, they rush him to the hospital. He was unconscious. And then he came around and they thought he was going to be all right after like a week.

And then passed away right after that from that head injury, I guess. Isn't that horrible? But it was amazing. Look up his, again, I don't know how to spell it. That would be somebody who really prepared for the show. Who's getting paid money. Who is cooler than these fucking guys? Jagger, it's so funny

Even in his 68 year old wrinkled face These young girls in the first row You watch this thing They are just fucking mesmerized by this guy He must have an 11 inch waist And 3 inch thighs I swear to God But he's got his own way of freaking moving.

And, yeah, if you get a chance, if you haven't seen it, you probably have. But I fucking loved it. Of course, Scorsese nailed it. Right now I'm dancing with my yellow shorts. All right, kids. Take care of yourselves. Spring's heading this way. Not quite yet.

This month's been a bitch. But come see me 26, 27, 28. Comedy Works in Albany at the end of the month. And I'll catch you guys later on. Good day, everybody. guitar solo Outro Music