The Nick DiPaolo Show - 073 - Starbucks, Hoops and Poops

Episode Date: March 24, 2015

Starbucks, Hoops and Poops

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello, kids. Boy, it takes me forever to get this thing going. You just laugh, man. Just trying to pull clips and, you know, editing those clips and whatnot. Just a real pain in the balls. What's happening? It's been a week, hasn't it? Yes, it has.

Real quickly, as usual, gig plugs, since it's the only benefit I get. This Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the 26th through the 28th, House of Comedy, Phoenix, Arizona. Be there or be a queer. Yes, I love Phoenix. Usually do the improv, but House of Phoenix,

I mean, House of Comedy stepped it up. And yeah, I'm looking forward to that. Haven't done it yet. New gig. Then April 9, 10, 9 10 11 i returned to the crime of the scene where i uh shot another senseless killing acme comedy club 9 10 11 of april and then uh the comedy the treehouse at marissa's in trumbull connecticut on the 18th of april and then helium comedy club on april 30th through May 1 and 2. Helium Comedy Club in Philly.

A great gig. And then that's enough. That's enough plugs. You're not going to remember that. I can't remember the gigs. They're coming fast and furious. We're already at the end of March, folks. It's flying by.

It's creepy. I don't know how old you are. After 30. Nobody tells you this as a kid but after after 30 it just speeds up like water in a sink you know when you drain water you know as the water gets less and less in the sink the faster it goes down the drain that's what it feels like it's just creepy man from 30 to 40 is a blink of an eye as compared to 20 to 30 and then 40 to 50 it's like you get both feet on the gas pedal it's weird i don't know if you feel that way or if it's uh you know it's my age i don't know it's's fucking weird. You get up, you do a few things, you read a paper, you do a few chores, you get a haircut, you take a dump, you look up, it's 4.30 in the afternoon. It's unbelievable. has turned into months and months turn into weeks a month seems like a week to me now you know like march 20 whatever the fuck seems like a third would be a thursday in the week i make any sense

not really i don't blame you quickly uh yeah last last i did that kind of a heavy podcast last week it was a lot of politics as you know i'm engaged in this shit and uh few few people pissing and moaning on twitter uh just a few i mean we get like 75 to 80 000 downloads and it was only a few so i mean point zero zero zero zero zero one percent but you get you i can tell which fans of mine you know vote which way because anytime i uh go a little heavy on the poll and i'm going to do that from now and then i reserve that right as this is free i don't make a dime doing it you don't pay a dime to listen to it and if you don't like it that week just you know just uh go to one of a million podcasts with comics uh you know sit in a circle and jerk off for a week there's a million of them

out there i'm just saying and again it's it's a tiny percentage probably people who you know, sit in a circle and jerk off for a week. There's a million of them out there. I'm just saying. And again, it's a tiny percentage. Probably people who, you know, really love Obama or whatever. But there was so much going on last week. And I agree, it was heavy. But, you know, that's the type of comic. I'm not a political comic, but I, you know, I stay engaged. And I would think that's the type of comic you'd want to follow.

There's a million of them talking about nothing. So, yeah, I mean, we had the Hillary email shit and all the other stuff, the Ferguson, the two cops. So, I mean, when stories are that big, I'm not going to ignore them, you know. And whatever. I treat it like a radio show. But that being said, you know, like I said, it's going to happen now and then, so just give me that freedom.

Nobody says these. You can do anything you want with a podcast. You know what I mean? People talk about kitchenware, spatulas, and spoons. And, yeah, one guy on Twitter is like, oh, you're a comedian act like it you know what fucking blow me okay you're not fucking paying a dime skip it or wait for next week's podcast if 10 minutes into it you don't like it uh but i hear you i you know but it was it was it

was a lot of heavy stuff last week but uh sometimes, you know, what are you going to talk about? I'm not going to sit here and do dick jokes. Well, I could. Maybe I'll keep a book of those. But anyways, you get my point. Okay, beautiful. What did I want to talk? I was in, where was I? Right outside of D.C. this weekend at the Arlington Draft House, which is a big old theater.

And it's in Alexandria, Virginia, which is, it sits right across. My hotel is like, I'm looking out the window of the Pentagon. I could hit it with a rock. And it's a great gig. I love it. I love the hotel. I love the area. D.C. is a cool, again, it was Alexandria, butria but it's you know it's slash dc it's just a very

cosmopolitan it's it's a cool city man you know uh even if you don't do all the uh the sightseeing which you know arlington national cemetery and all the monuments which i've already done because i've been doing this forever and i still felt guilty i. I'm laying in my room watching the NCAA college hoops. I'll get to that in a few minutes. But I've already been to Arlington National Cemetery a couple times and the Vietnam Wall and all that, and I still felt guilty, like sitting in my room for a little while. So what did I do to relieve my guilt? I walked over to the Ritz Carlton and had a couple

Heinekens and watched a little Kentucky and I think it was Cincinnati. Did I have that right? But it is a cool city, man. It's just just so everybody but every other person's wearing hijab you know every everybody looks like they're from the other person at the mall looks like they were you know from downtown yemen and it's just weird after us getting hit you know it's just it's bizarre but it's you know um and i'm talking to the bartender, and I told him that I flew him from New York, and he's from Morocco, and tell me how much he hated New York, and then there's an old crusty white guy.

This was like a scene right out of a movie at the Ritz, and he started chewing out the hostess on the way out because I guess he hated the waiter or whatever, and he was below. Ritz Carlton used to mean something, and this guy's standards were not up to this culture. And just going into a tirade. Just an old crusty rich white fella, you know.

And I was laughing my balls off. The Moroccan guy's laughing. And, you know. And then there was a black wedding staying at my hotel. And there's a lot of cute broads running around of all different flavors and uh yeah it was the pentagon uh sheridan pentagon hotel it's it's great though and then then i walked over to the uh pentagon mall and of course i asked somebody at the desk oh it's not even it's not even a half mile away and i I have on like shoes. I forgot to bring my running shoes.

I'm wearing like shoes that I'd wear on stage. My like, I call them my Robert Klein saddle shoes. It's what he used to wear on stage. So I, you know, I go, I set off thinking it's, you know, 10 blocks away. And it was over a mile and a half. By the time I get to the mall i have a blister on each baby till the size of a quarter and just i'm limping around oh let me get a slice of pizza look like a fucking idiot but uh that's what you do you go to the mall and i just follow around

girls that are way you know wait i'm just creepy i'll just follow around girls that are way, you know, wait, I'm just creepy. I'll just follow around girls that are way, you know, 30 years younger than me. I go, can I buy you an ice cream, huh? Do you like vanilla? Do you like a good cheesecake? Come on, Sarah, let me buy. And I walked around the mall. I got bored after about 10 seconds, and the feet were bleeding. I was fucking, that was hilarious.

And I got the, I know I have the mile and a half walk, but before I did that, I went over to the Ritz Carlton and this is what you do. And you try to write shit. I got my notebook on my lap and, oh, I went to breakfast at the hotel and the lady that was waiting on me, I don't know what her accent was,

but she kept trying to talk me into the buffet. You know, and I never do breakfast buffets because, you know. Oh, it's $15.95. Do you know how much food you'd have to eat? Do you know how much $16 worth of breakfast food is? It's like two dump trucks. It's like, no, I'm not going to fucking have 48 eggs and eight pounds of pancake. At least not today.

I'm not. She kept talking. It's like she didn't want to wait on me. She kept going, no, you should have the buffet. I go, no, I just, I'll pay a la carte. I don't care. Finally, you had to go. I go, I go, look, after her third time, I go, I just don't want to get up.

I want you to bring me my food. That's how lazy I am. She started laughing and probably think a typical american i just didn't want to get the fuck up and again like i said you know seven dump trucks of uh of uh eggs and you're only at 4.95 and still get uh 12 dollars a go i sound like jerry stiller in an old episode of uh king and queen but uh she was busting my chops and then uh she brings me you know breakfast sausage and they're colder than my sister's tits and i'm like what the fuck i go uh can i can these i pick them up in my hands and they were like they didn't even have any grease on them it's like she found them

under a couch i'm like can i can i get can you bring me some warm ones she brings goes away, comes back three minutes later, puts the plate down. I swear to God it was the same fucking four sausages in the exact same position. I swear to God she didn't do anything. I touched them. They were colder than the last ones. And I asked for a side of fruit. She was getting, like, annoyed with me. I don't know why. But I said, I just need a little bowl of fruit. She was getting, like, annoyed with me. I don't know why.

But I said, I just need a little bowl of fruit on the side. And she comes back with, like, a plate that 11 people, with enough fruit for 11 people. I don't know if that was her just being sarcastic and going, here you go, you dick. Just order what's on the menu. Cut to me with eight pounds of cantaloupe in my gut, but so funny, she didn't want to, she didn't want to serve me, she was nice, I mean, she wasn't being a, but

she was convinced the buffet was the way to go for me, it's like, what the fuck, just bring it over, bring it over, oh, you call those carrots, You call those carrots. Anyways, great city, you know. It's a great city. You got to be careful. I mean, obviously, this part's, you know, that you don't want to want to do in D.C. But the gig I love, Arlington Draft House, because here's the good thing about it and why I like doing comedy in that area, because they are,

even people that don't follow politics that closely are engaged a little bit. They know a little bit more. It just seeps in because they live so close to where it all happens. But I've cut out a niche in this town. I've been in this place four or five times now, and they know I'm very anti-PC. And DC's very politically correct correct i did the improv twice they haven't used me in years it was just so stuffy

and everything i said was getting a moan and i was just snapping back it was just and i found out a few other people hate it too i i didn't know if it was me, but it's a very PC town. I mean, political correctness. It's D.C. It's the home of politics in our country, and it just seeps in, man. But these people sort of know what I do. I mean, a few of them got bummed out. I'll talk about that.

But I was just letting it fly, and it's like a big old theater and it's it's um it's cool i could give them a few tips to make the place run better um like friday night i had one show and it was at 10 30 for some reason and there wasn't an earliest show before me and i'll give a little comedy lesson people like the inside scoop if you ask comics the worst show to do is the second show on a friday night and it's been like this since the 80s the second show on friday night in comedy clubs which is usually the 10 30 show or the 11 or the 10 45 always blows it blow because people have worked all week or gone to school, whatever they do. And they're tired, whether they know it or not. And they have a few cocktails, right? On Friday, right after they get out of work,

you can't blame them because they work for a living. And they usually are usually a little obnoxious because they're drunk or they're just tired and have no energy. And that's been true forever. Most comics will tell you that. So I was a little miffed at why they would start just tired and have no energy and that's been true forever most comics will tell you that so um i was a little miffed at why they would start the uh the only show they were doing that night at 10

30 on saturday night pete davidson uh our buddy from snl he hangs out at the stand i like this kid and uh he he did like the early show before me i guess snl wasn't doing the show obviously so he had the early show and uh it I guess SNL wasn't doing a show, obviously. So he had the early show. And it was funny because people were saying, you should see all the young, all these, all the young pussy that was coming to Pete's show. And they said my crowd was lining up for tickets,

ogling the Pete's crowd. A bunch of guys, you know. I still get, yeah, I mean, young people come out to comedy. That's the beauty of my material. I get anybody from, I get 19-year-old girls to 60-year-old guys. But, you know, my crowd was definitely older, and I guess they were ogling all the hot pussy in line waiting for Pete's show. The manager was telling me.

I was laughing my ass off. So I would suggest, yeah, yeah, if you're not doing two shows, Arlington Draft House, that you do that one earlier. I'm sure they have their reasons. What the hell else? Other things that comedians hate, especially if you're headlining. You don't want to be at the club an hour before you have to go on stage. Like the show started at 10 30 they

were gonna have somebody pick me up at quarter to 10 they did friday night so now i'm sitting in a green room which is right off the stage and there's uh there's no tv in the green most green rooms have a tv or something there's nothing in there at least they had heat this time this place is uh the first time i worked there they had they literally had and i'm not shitting you they had a piece of plywood in the window where the window goes the window had been busted out and i had i was there in like in like february and you could see your breath in the creek but they had two uh they had two space heaters this time and somebody i guess the window was kind of fixed.

But again, I'm there at, you know, 5 or 10. Show's not going to start until 10.30, 10.35. Two guys going before me. I'm not until 11. And it's not sort of a place like a comedy club where they have a bar in a separate area where you can hang out. It's way up to the front of the theater. And you don't want to mingle with the people that are coming to see you before the show. That's just not, you know, that's not conducive to anything.

So I say throw something, throw a TV in that green room. That's after you put a real window in. What else did I? Oh, here's another thing comics hate when you're headlining. There's something called, they hand out the checks. You guys know, you've been to a comedy club. They hand the checks out during the show. I'll never understand why.

I've brought this up before, that I started comedy, my career in Boston, and they never did that. Nick's Comedy Club, never. I don't know if it was pay-as-you-go. I don't know how they did it, but they didn't hand the checks out until the end of the show. I don't know if it was pay as you go. I don't know how they did it, but they didn't hand the checks out till the end of the show. I don't understand why somebody can't figure that out. I think somebody told me, you know, they're afraid you're going to take off and beat them, you know, take off on the check. I don't know, but they need time to, you know,

I understand they need time to cash out and all that stuff because you have a second show on the weekends, let's say on a saturday night so i understand a little bit but but i i put it in my rider don't hand the checks out and i learned this from brian reagan because it's in his rider somebody told me don't hand the checks out till at least 45 minutes into the show and don't hand it out to the tables in the front which is great i heard this uh from brian has this and then Regan has this in his thing, because it's so distracting. You'll be doing fine,

and you're getting to write to some of your best material, and I look down like this weekend. I see they start handing out the checks, so I have my phone up on stage so I can keep track of the time, and I'm recording, obviously, and I look down, and it says 30, 35 minutes they're handing the checks out.

I still got another 25 to go, so that's almost in the middle of my set, okay? And nothing's more discouraging when you're a comic, and you look out, and people have their frigging head down. You're trying to make them laugh while they're doing math,

and it's just, and you're like, Jesus, here's some of my best shit, and it's not exactly ripping the tits off, and you look out, and it's's some of my best shit. And it's not exactly ripping the tits off. And you look out and it's because nobody's listening to you. They're paying the checks. So I put it in the rider and, you know, so nobody read the rider. I might have to do what Van Halen does.

You know the whole thing about Van Halen that they want to allow green M&Ms. You know, they love M&Ms and they used to have this thing in their rider. No green M&Ms. You know, they love M&Ms and they're green. They used to have this thing in their rider, no green M&Ms. And the truth of that was, I might have brought this up earlier on an earlier podcast. The truth of it was, I read this,

one of the Van Halen members was being interviewed and the reason they have that no green M&Ms, their rider was like 100 pages it was that many a writer for you guys don't know what it is it's it's personal rules for like the talent you know like j-lo wants 50 candles in her in her uh green room and only a certain kind of wine and only so many people can be left be back there and she wants this type of lobster and but but obviously that's comics aren, you know, my writer is a page long, it says, I want, you know, I want a six-pack of Heineken, and a bag of Cheetos, and an Asian broad between 18 and

41, but, you know, so yeah, so Van Hal halen their writer was like over 100 pages so like at page 50 they'd put no green m&ms so the minute they got there when they get that again they if they saw green m&ms they knew that the guy didn't really read the the whole writer it was kind of clever i don't know who came up with that but uh yeah so i asked the club please please especially since it's only a page please read the comedian's writer and um these are the things that make for a better freaking show you know but these people are great i i love this they're sitting in like uh office chairs in the front row. It looks like Staples had a yard sale. All these, you know, they're in, like, office chairs.

Looked like they had wheels on them. I don't know. But, you know, it's theater seating. It goes up gradually. And they love it because I was cutting loose. You can tell they're tired of the politically correct. I just got the impression. And both, there was over 200 Friday night and sold out Saturday night.

And you could tell they were, like, fans of mine that had followed me for a long time because they weren't flinching at anything for the most part. But after the show, I come out on Saturday night. I came out because the guy tweeted me. Remember I told you about a guy that spent, he's paid $101 for another senseless killing, that spent he's paid 101 dollars for my uh another senseless killing which you can get by the way at itunes amazon at nickdip.com it's still on the top in the charts in the top 150 whatever so uh and i thank you for that um anyways so yeah some guy paid 101 bucks a few months ago and he said he tweeted me saying he was gonna be at the saturday night show so i came out after to walk around i was shaking hands taking pictures and hoping he'd find me because i

don't know what he looks like and uh we never did uh meet but he tweeted me after saying he was there and he loved it and uh whatever i would have loved to buy him a drink and if you're listening uh nathan's wisdom is it i uh i had used up my comps so So that's why, you know, otherwise you shouldn't have paid to get in either, but I had already given away the comps. So, yeah, I go out and I start shaking hands. I don't do it all the time, but I like this place and I didn't do it Friday night. So I come out and then

there's like, you know, three or four guys, like I hate to use the phrase, typical frat guys. They might have been older than that, but really drunk and I took pictures with them and uh there was one of them that was like really aggressive shaved head and uh you know like we're taking pictures and he and he goes fuck this guy he's got his finger in my face giving me the finger fuck this guy so you know i'm giving him the finger sticking my finger in

his face just one of these guys you can tell if he gets a few drinks in him. And then I, you know, the other guys, three guys, were very polite and trying to calm the guy down. And then I walk away and shake hands with more people, come back, and here he comes again. He gets me in like a frigging, gives me like a bear hug, like just totally invading my fucking privacy. And if I had a good lawyer or a knife.

Anyways, yeah, that guy was a little crazed and then some gay guy comes up with some big guy and I'm shaking hands and he comes up me and slaps me on the back and goes I'm gay and I'm proud of it and I'm like good I go, why? I go, first of all, don't touch me. Get your fucking hand off me. And then I go, why? I go, I feel the underlying hostility. I said, were you offended? He goes, no, it was funny, but some of it was hurtful. And I was like, yeah, well, you know what? Tough shit.

Tough shit. I have my feelings hurt every day on Twitter or whatever the fuck. Get the fuck over it. Some of it was hurtful. Oh, it's just so creepy coming out of a grown man. Oh, God. Just soak it up, you victim poopoo. It was hurtful.

Yes, I know. I was called a guinea when I was a kid and the N-word because I used to get darker than black kids in the summertime. And we've all had our feelings hurt. If you want people to start accepting you in your group, don't be so sensitive. It's hurtful, yes,

and I did shit about homeless people and people with cancer, and I'm sure they, you know, didn't find all of it funny either. It's just amazing to me that a grown man in this day and age can go to a comedy show and think he has the right not to be offended or his feelings hurt a little bit. Man, how we have fallen.

So, and then there was some lady that yelled something out during one of my jokes and I forget, she wasn't being mean or heckling. I forget. it was a weird response and i couldn't see the lights are blinding up there another thing and uh i was trying to look under the lights and i saw a kind of a woman with short hair and uh you know like a guy's hair like whatever and i go i think that woman i got something about she's got new gingrich's hairdo and uh so anyway, she comes up to me after. I'm shaking hands with other people. She goes, I was the one that yelled out, buh-buh. And by the way, I'm fucking younger than you and something.

So fuck off. The guys with her were laughing and I was laughing. And I go, wow, she's like a cute blonde woman. Younger than me by probably six months. But I just can't. it's just hilarious to me. That's where we are as a society. If you go to a comedy show and somebody, you know, steps on your toes a little bit, you got to let them have it after the show. And that's half the reason I don't shake hands after.

That meet and greet is a bunch of horseshit. In my opinion. In my opinion. is a bunch of horse shit, in my opinion, but, yeah, so, I like going on the road, because I get to, you know, I'm into it, well into another hour, right, I want to do another special soon, believe it or not, I mean, another census killing, that was shot about 15 months ago already, so I'm well into it, and the beauty of going on the road is you can do an hour at a time, you know, and you try to squeeze the new stuff in. That's what you do. You pick a spot.

And during the week when I'm home here in New York, I drive into the city every night and I'm trying to work on stuff. And then, you know, you bring that stuff with you on the road. I'm trying to work on stuff. And then you, you know, you bring that stuff with you on the road. And I call it proven stuff. But the stuff that's been killing pretty hard for six or seven months, you find a place amongst that. And that's still fairly new because nobody's seen it yet. But then you drop in other premises you're working on. And, you know, and that's how we do it and that's the beauty of it and i also do the

creek and cave in uh long island city which is in queens bordering astoria and uh it's a tiny little workspace it's not even a comedy club it looks like where you go to see an improv group might be 30 seats there and i did that a couple times last week. I don't get paid. I drive into Queens. And it's cool. And it was the best the other night, last week. But it's mostly comics sitting in the back, young comics. And like I said, there's a handful of people. Just enough.

You need, in my opinion, you need like double figures, 10 or better. To me, that's a good barometer for testing out new stuff and that's why i go to this creaking cave uh it's on jackson ave in long island city so uh if you guys are listening and you live in that area check out check out the schedule every night um it's a great place to just work on new stuff. A place like that, sometimes there's eight people in the audience, and that is tough to get a, you know, because you've got to have at least double figures. That's my own little rule as far as being able to judge, you know, let them be the judge of what's funny.

You've got to hear the, but you can just get the words out. When you're trying new stuff, working on new material, you just want to get the words out some night because delivery has a lot, working on new material, you just want to get the words out some night because delivery has a lot to do with it, and you just want to hone it some nights. And just getting the words out is enough, you know? Hold on. I got to turn on the space heater.

The place is going to go up like a pair of baby's pajamas. Hold on. Man, yeah. Mancure So uh Yeah It feels good To stretch your legs Like you said You know you do the comedy cellar

You do these places in the city You only get to do 15 minutes at a time Maybe 18 20 at the stand Uh It just feels good When you finally

Go somewhere And you know you can do 50 to an hour Or whatever It just It good when you finally go somewhere and you know you can do 50 to an hour or whatever. It just, you know, I stumbled over some stuff. What was, oh, the Starbucks thing. The race together at Starbucks. How bizarre an idea was that? You know? race the race together at starbucks how bizarre an idea was that you know first of all everybody that goes to starbucks i would say what i would say 98 of their customers would probably lean

towards you know vote democrat or everybody when you look in the window at starbucks every chicken there looks like janine graffalo at least in new york when i say looks like are they you know they have the glasses the janine graffalo glasses and they're sitting at their laptops and shit and um but uh yeah that was a weird idea by that guy you know yeah what what uh what better time to discuss a volatile subject between like a black guy and white guy while you're holding scalding hot beverages and you're jacked up on caffeine. How do you get the idea? So I guess, you know, they ended it, but it was only supposed to last a week.

Following an explosion of derision on social media and the blogosphere, Starbucks has instructed its baristas to stop writing Race Together on coffee cups in hopes of generating deep conversations on sensitive issues as caffeine-addicted customers wait in line for their fix. Howard Schultz thought it was a great idea. On Sunday, he told they would no longer be asked to write race together

on their stickers on cups given to customers. I mean, really? Do you really think that was going to go anywhere how do you i know how to get the race ball discussion rolling at starbucks you walk and you go you'll have a uh latte not that i go there i've been there twice in my life a latte grande yeah that'll be 7.95 and you go oh hands up don't shoot.95. And then that would get the ball rolling. What, are you kidding me? How do you get the ball? That would just be awkward. You want to talk about race?

If you want an honest discussion about race, you know, at a national coffee chain, I think Dunkin' Donuts might be the place to do it, you know? Especially around like 11 at night. You know what I mean? You're going to find like a Mexican mechanic sitting next to an Indian welder, you know? I mean, you're going to get a nice mix at Dunkin' Donuts. Even more so, do it at Denny's after midnight.

at Dunkin Donuts. Even more so, do it at Denny's after midnight. I mean, the Grand Slam special, that cuts across all races. When you're drunk on Saturday night, you get the munchies,

you're coming from a club, you find Eskimos, you find people on donkeys, and a whole, a whole, you know, plethora of different races. Don't do it at starbucks probably the most

homogenous crowd you're gonna find uh but it's not gonna happen that could have there could have been a lot of problems you know just walk in yeah i'll have a coffee with cream and sugar and the blackberry she's like why you gotta put cream and sugar why you gotta put two white things in it why you don't drink it black yo i don't know i like my coffee like my bitches light and sweet about 108 pounds so uh yeah that was a silly idea i don't know what this mr schultz he's got some type of fucking uh god complex you're gonna solve the problems. You're fucking... You're going to lower your prices. So, you know. People other than Rich Wasp.

I'm not a Starbucks fan at all. I'm a Dunkin' Donuts. Starbucks, that shit's just too... It's too bitter for me. Put a fucking quart of cream in it and it just turns like a light, barely gray. doesn't even dent it first time i went into was in seattle who would have guessed they were everywhere this is

when they first came out and uh everybody had been going i had never been in one so i finally you know get the nerve i went in to order a friggin iced coffee and they have some type of formula for iced coffee it's not just coffee with milk and ice in it there's some type of fucking mixture and i asked her what it was and the girl got a little fucking little annoyed with me because i didn't know what it was and fucking caught a whole lot of friggin attitude so i shit in her tip cup good night everybody no i so i stayed away from there for and i still man i'll be at the airport or you're at the airport and I counted 22 deep waiting for Starbucks what are you fucking high if I blindfolded you

and put a cup of my own shit in there and mixed it with Dunkin Donuts and then put you know blind taste test you wouldn't even know the difference I mean they have the more expensive coffees i'm sure starbucks uh i like dunkin donuts you know i always just so yeah dunkin donuts is a very new england thing you can't go three feet in new england without hitting a dunkin donuts anyways uh so uh starbucks race together Anyways, so Starbucks' Race Together campaign is no more, folks. You know? No more. You know?

It's kind of a silly idea to begin with. You know what I'm saying to you? You hear that? I started the joke. What else is going on, kids? Put this on at Starbucks. Oh yeah. I make my wife sing this to me when I'm having sex with her. Make her learn the words every night.

My wife or whoever I'm with, you know. My life partner of 20 years kevin uh you are fucking crazy indian yeah uh what else oh this is pretty uh this is pretty interesting did you read this uh Scientists want to mine. This is a headline today. Somewhere on the internet. Scientists want to mine our poop for gold. Yes.

Yeah. Every year, Americans are flushing a fortune down the toilet. Literally, more than 7 million tons of biosolids treated sewage sludge passed through U.S. wastewater facilities annually contained within our shit, it says it right in the article, are surprisingly large quantities of silver, gold, and platinum. Well, that's if you're drinking Jägermeister, right? Is Jägermeister the one that used to put the gold specs in it?

Remember, he used to panhandle through his own shit. But yeah. Earlier this year, a study led by Paul Westhoff at Arizona State University profiled over 50 metals

in biosolid samples. From 94 wastewater treatment plants across the U.S., most samples were substantially enriched in rare and precious platinum group metals, silver and gold. You believe this? Most samples were substantially enriched in rare... Yeah, silver and gold. Extrapolating from their data, the authors worked out that the waste produced annually by a million Americans

could contain as much as $13 million worth of metals. That's over $4 billion worth of gold coming out of our asses every year. Are you shitting me? gold coming out of our asses every year. Are you shitting me? The team is working to modify extraction procedures used in industrial mining to leach metals out of minerals. Hmm.

Yeah. Researchers are also planning to test biosolids across the country for precious metals to search for any geographic or demographic patterns in

their uh distribution so far the group has collected waste from several small towns in the rocky mountains the shit up in there there hills uh rural areas and big cities. Astonishingly, nearly all the samples they've examined, the team has found commercially mineable concentrations of gold.

Oh, man. It's going to make me think twice about getting the grill work. I was going to, you know, flavor, flavor your breath like shit, yo. It's not entirely clear how these precious metals are getting into our waist. Potential culprits include hair products, cosmetics, and detergents. But humans could also be playing a more direct role by concentrating the trace metals we eat during digestion. What are you fucking, where are you eating? What are you eating out?

What the fuck? And sending gold and silver fortified defecations down the tubes. Unbelievable. You're going to see, you know, people. This can't,

this is going to help. I mean, just, just German porn alone. You know what I mean? And Taco Bell. This stock's not going to shoot through the roof in the Rocky Mountain area.

There's poop in that there shit, folks. I think I found an answer to the national debt. Hi, I'm William Devane. You ever think about gold?

The world economy is going to collapse in the next year or so. So start saving up your own shit in Hellman's jars. Because in two years we'll be able to extract that. It was a fucking odd story, wasn't it? I don't see any gold or silver

in my poop. Usually just blood. It's not a good sign either. I'm hoping it's hemorrhoids. Not to get too gross here. I'm just saying. Not a good sign either. I'm hoping it's hemorrhoids. Not to get too gross here. I'm just saying. Santa Barbara woman tests negative for Ebola. You know, that stuff.

I was looking at statistics, man. I don't know, the last, what, year? 10,000 people? Mostly, you know, obviously in West African countries. But every week there's a story about somebody coming back here from some part of the world. This woman was in Santa Barbara, California. And they put her in an L.A. hospital. She tested negative.

They put her in there on Sunday night. She had just come back from West Africa. She had, you know, fever, illness. And still kind of creepy I got a bit actually on Ebola that I've been working on I hope it I hope it stays

hope it stays alive don't want this bit to go sour on me. I'm a little nervous. I banged a hooker from Liberia about a month and a half ago. You don't know how exciting the shit's been. I'm pretty sure I'm on it.

People panicking with that fucking Ebola. I'm listening to the talk radio in my car. Last week a lady called and said, well how do we avoid this disease? I don't know, don't lick a toilet brush at a gas station in fucking Gambia. Don't fucking blow your hot yoga instructor, he's from fucking Sierra Leone. He's from fucking Sierra Leone. I'm getting hit with a cup of diarrhea from Togo. A wonderful country. Thank you Africa again for giving us AAT Ebola. Quite a contribution to society.

Al Sharpton. Yeah, thanks. I'd rather have Ebola than hang out with Al-Sharif. Obama fucked that up too. Has he gotten anything right? Remember back in the Ebola scale like a month ago? The first thing he says, well it'll be very difficult to catch. Cut to a week later, that lady, that nurse in Texas. She dressed like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. She'd got it.

I guess I'm safe in a t-shirt and shorts and business class in Delta. Send that to some chick with a live rooster on her lap from a third world shithole. She's sneezing on my muffin. Yeah, that's fucking great though. Maybe this turtleneck will block it. Most people are panicking. Fucking, you know, it'll kill you. 70% of the people who get it die. I'm talking to a stranger on a plane he's a foot away from me. He fucking sentenced me to death

with that little piece of pork between his front teeth breaks loose and spits in my eye. I'm at home shitting blood. I think it was a guy in 33C I want to catch a ball, but it's not too bad. I just want to shit blood for like a week. I could drop this eight pounds on my body. I could get full-blown fucking Ebola for a year and it put me on the scale.

It put on two pounds. How the fuck did I do that? I was filled with snickers and blood. I've got to stop. I dropped too many F-bombs. Especially when I'm working out new stuff. You have a tendency to, at least it's one of my habits, I say, to reinforce a joke if it's not working that well.

I just, I say fuck a lot. I say it even when I did my special. I gotta make, you know, I make an effort sometimes, but it gets away from you when you do this every night for 28 years, you know? Because I say fuck a lot offstage. It's my favorite word. I love to fucking swear.

And then something about when you get in front of a live crowd. If you're a guy, the adrenaline gets pumping. And I don't rely on it. I just say it. And I choose to because it's kind of how I talk,

but I'll make more of an effort next time to cut down on the fucks, but it usually happens like that. That bit I just played was from a few months ago, and when it's new, I notice I drop in there a lot of F-bombs. Who am I kidding? It could be eight years old.

I'm still going to curse my fucking head off. It's just my nature. I can't help it. Who am I kidding? It could be eight years old. I'm still going to curse my fucking head off. It's just my nature. I can't help it.

Yeah, Ebola, 10,000 people, I think, in the last year over there and worldwide. And it's still, it's kind of creepy, man. But like I said, if you're not living in a country where you're shitting with the hole that you dug behind your hut and wiping your ass with skunk cabbage leaves, you should be all right. Don't you think? I want to live. I want to live. What the hell else kids i got uh oh here was another good one

a miracle proclaimed as a saint's blood liquefies in the presence of pope francis i just i don't know how you guys are on religion. I don't know where I stand. You know, I was raised Roman Catholic, but I just haven't trouble

buying into any of it. I don't know. You know? I want to believe, but then I, it's stuff like this. When the Archbishop, this story of Naples, picked up the vial containing the 1,700-year-old dry blood of the city's patron, Saint Gennaro, to present it to Pope Francis Saturday,

someone in the Naples Cathedral shouted, Miracle! Was it Herb Brooks' ghost? According to witnesses, the blood of the saint had become liquid again at least in part okay well i'm no uh i'm no scientist but i'm pretty sure that would probably have something to do with the well like belichick said the barometric pressure is why the balls are different uh i'm sure it had something to do with the uh the conditions climate in the building, the warmth of the guy holding it, the warmth of his hands.

I think that's how they make balsamic, isn't it? They take 1,700-year-old dead saint's blood and they hold it in their hands for a month. That's how you get balsamic. Don't you? Sure it is. Francis kissed the relic and played down the miracle, saying, if it's only half liquefied, it means that the saint only half loves us. Oh, isn't he a funny prick?

We all need to convert more. So convert what? What are you, cutting it with a job? What do you mean? We all need to convert more so that the saint will be fully pleased. Minutes later, however, the blood had reportedly reverted to a fully liquid state. How silly. But here's the thing.

It happens all the time. So why would the guy yell out miracle and i'm sure it wasn't just some wasn't some yankees fan it was like another bishop or whoever the hell's they don't let everybody in there um uh if true this is the first time that saint gerald's blood has ever liquefied in the presence of a pope though this phenomenon has occurred on a number of other occasions some claim that the event has been occurring up to 18 times each year for the past 600 years oh yeah what a miracle that's a rare occurrence jesus christ happens every time mcdonald's sells a burger apparently what are you shitting me but it reminded me of uh Guido Sarducci,

who I absolutely love. Don Novello, for you guys that are a little my age, closer to my age. Father Sarducci, who was on, Guido Sarducci was on SNL in the 70s, and just brilliantly funny. But he did a bit about this nun, Mother Seton, who became, she was the first American woman to become a saint. And apparently they had kind of waived a few rules to make her a saint.

So he, you know, his take on it was, you know, politically motivated. He said, to be made a saint in the Catholic Church, you have to have four miracles. That's the rules. politically motivated. He said, to be made a saint in the Catholic Church, you have to have four miracles. That's the rules. You know, it's always been four miracles

and to approve it. Well, this Mother's Seat now, they could only approve three miracles. But the Pope, he just waived the fourth one.

He just waived it. And do you know why? It's because she was an American. It's all a politics. We got some italian people they got 40 50 60 miracles to their name they can't uh get in just because there's already too many italian saints and this woman comes along with a three lousy miracles

i understand that two of them was a card tricks that was the worst saducci anybody's ever done. I saw him do that on TV. I'm going to shit my pants. She had three miracles and two of them were card tricks. He was so goddamn funny, Saducci. Do you remember?

Let's play a little Saducci. This is him talking about the commandments and how there were actually more commandments than just 10. How many are there? 10 commandments? I don't even know. Wow.

My mother would be proud. But he did a bit about the commandments, and there's a bunch of them that they found that people aren't really aware of them. Here we go. When you die, the soul... Oh, no, no, no. This is different.

Actually, this is... That clip was too long. But a couple of the commandments that were found that we weren't aware of, you know, on that tablet, one of them was that you're supposed to wait a half hour after you eat before you go swimming. And number 16 was when you clean your ears with a Q-tip, you go around the outside.

This is about when you die. And it turns out life is just work. That's what it says in the Bible or something. Life is just work. And when you die, well, life is just work. Just keep that in mind. It's like having a job. That's all it says in the Bible or something life is just work and when you die well Life is just work. Just keep that in mind. It's just it's like having a job. That's all it is. This is his take On what happens when you die? And your whole life flashes before you from the day was born till the day you die then you come to the end of the tunnel and God is there waiting for you

and it looks you straight into the eye and then it pays you you see he knows you was coming he He's like a psychic. He knows everything. And he figured it out all in advance. 14 of 50 times the number of the days you was living. And he gives you all of this money. And you got all of this money in front of you. And then he starts going over your sins, and you have to pay for your sins. This guy must have made a killing between 75 and 80.

Maybe you've heard of that expression, you know, you have to pay for your sins. I say the truth. We do have to pay for our sins. In cash. It's a cash deal. It's like, you know, maybe when you was a little kid, maybe stole a bag of potato chips. That might be like $6 a fine. But you gotta give them back $6. Lying, every time you lie, $10. 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10.

Just to shell it out, you know, every single lie, $10, you know, $10. Murder? Murder, that's the worst one. $100,000. Masturbation? I don't know. Here's the beauty of comedy right there.

Three words and you're going to get a round of applause. 25, 35 cents would have been my guess. Saduch. That's a cheap cent. But it's a can of Manta Up, you know, the third of its kind. If you're not familiar with Don Novello, Google Father Guido Saducci. Oh, he was on Letterman a lot, too,

in the 80s and late 70s and early 80s. And just funny as all hell. What a great character. Man. What the hell else? Oh, March Madness is upon us finally. I used to watch it. I got to be honest, I would get involved when I was younger.

When I was living in L.A., I must have had so much free time on my hands. That's how you know my career wasn't exactly stellar in LA. I do remember following it from like the opening tip from the first game, all 64 teams. And I don't do that anymore. I just, I just, I jump in around the sweet 16. Even when I was at the hotel this weekend, I just watched others. I have trouble watching basketball, whether it be college or pro. I really do. Just watching a team, and I've said this before. We've talked about this as far as spectator sports.

Just watching two basketball teams trade baskets for an hour and a half before they mean anything. I can't get past that. And yes, I appreciate the athleticism yes i love playing it it's a basketball i suck at it but it's a blast to play and um and i do appreciate these seven footers and how graceful they are and all that stuff and these guys can shoot the lights out a lot of them i appreciate all that but as a spectator sport i can't sit there it's 18 to 12 you know early in the fucking first half and you know one team's gonna go on a run the other i just i i you know i i was watching a game uh at the hotel and uh i fell asleep about three minutes in it was like uh the score was like 12 to 4 uh 12 it was a six point

difference and i and i literally woke up with about three minutes left and it's a six point difference and uh it's just and and the other thing is at the end of the game and i've been saying this forever and even my friends who love hoops agree with me and apparently i'm right on this one because they're trying to make some changes i think the ncaa or basketball in general about you know timeouts the amount of timeouts and how the last minute of a game and it happens in a lot of sports but more so in basketball can take literally 20 minutes i'm watching oklahoma the other night and i forget who they're playing but they're up by five which that is they're playing, but they're up by five, which that is hardly a blowout, right? They're up by five with about a minute left, and the team that's trailing,

what happens? They have to foul on every play. They have to foul, and there's no, there's just no continuity. I mean, it's a five-point game it should be exciting down the stretch and it turns into a free throw shooting content you might as well go to the state fair and watch some guy try to win a stuffed animal for his fucking girlfriend it's nothing but free throws is there's no spawn they then they cut to a commercial break and come back you can't even get into the flow of it it's really fundamentally i mean that has to be fixed it really does because it's a great sport and it should be up and down i mean you watch the last minute of a even a two goal game in hockey i mean the last couple minutes you can't even take a breath um i just have trouble with

that and i and i did watch hoops when you know in the 80s the Celtics Lakers when that was just I mean I couldn't get enough of it but I always did have a problem even then with with the first three quarters of the game or whatever but at least back then you knew you know uh Kevin McHale my clothesline Abdul Jabbar and start a brawl or whatever um but i i just i and i for most of the games that i have watched up to this point i i i literally put on something else and kept flipping back and forth till i get down to about five minutes but i you know i can see why you know people love to bet on it and stuff but i just that's my personal thing i i just uh and like i said they are thinking about changing the rules so somebody feels that way because it really slows down what is a beautiful game when they're

running and gunning in basketball it's as pretty as hockey it's so fun to watch but you don't get that you get foul bonus situation whistle every three seconds and these guys are all close to seven feet maybe we can make the court a little bigger. Give them some more room. Don't have a guard. And when both guys go up for a rebound and there's some body contact, let it go. Let them play for crying out loud. But, you know, it does get exciting.

So we're down to 16. You get Kentucky who, holy moly, like I said, I'm not a huge Hoops fan, but you can tell. You could be a friggin' Franciscan monk who's never seen basketball and go, holy shit, I'll put 10 dimes on them, please. Kentucky is just so, as they say, they have a lot of length. That's another way of saying that.

A bunch of tall, friggin', unbelievably athletic guys who just, I think I saw them against Cincinnati, and they just, you can't get a shot off. They're just fucking huge. And they can run, they can do,

they can play it any way. And, again, I don't know who's gonna beat them, but it makes it exciting when you have somebody that good, a team that good left. Because everybody, you know everybody wants them to lose

except people from Kentucky. So you get Kentucky, West Virginia. This is on March 20th. I'm looking at the schedule. Notre Dame, Wichita State. That'll be a doozy. Wichita State to beat Kansas. I don't think that was such a shocker.

Wisconsin's going to be playing north carolina wisconsin's a one seed carolina's four xavia and arizona oh jesus when is that oh no let me check my date book your sister's ass my sister's ass your cousin's feet uh god damn it that's thursday my first night at the house of comedy in phoenix oh yeah that's not gonna hurt at that i think we're probably 10 feet from the school aren't we oh shit ah all right we'll see how many dipalo fans come well maybe they're like me and they don't like hoops hopefully then you got uh that was the Midwest and the West, I just gave you. In the East, North Carolina State. Did you see they got in a little hot water for chanting?

What the fuck's wrong with Obama, they said. Because Obama had picked Villanova, I guess, over North Carolina and North Carolina State won. So they were chanting that in a circle after the game. And I ain't got a problem with that. Because that's the beauty of our country. You can say that. They love Obama, these kids. You know, they have the team voted for him.

They even said so after in tweets. But that's the beauty of our country, folks. You can say that about the president. He works for you. You do that in Venezuela,orea then you'll be missing what the fuck they were chanting so they're north carolina state is they got louisville then oklahoma's get michigan state university these are delicious even i know like i said i'm a marginal basketball fan these are delicious matchups delicious michigan state seems to be

there every year and then then you got Duke, number one seed in the South. They're going to go against the Utah Utes. And then you got a perennial favorite, UCLA, who's usually in the tournament. They're a number 11 seed, though, going against number

two, Gonzaga. Those games will be going along on the 26th and 27th. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I got to hope Arizona gets knocked out because even if they're still in it, the kids are going to be watching

other games, I'm guessing, too. But now it gets really good, and I wish I gambled. But, yeah, fix the game because it's a beautiful game when there's no whistles. I say throw in some body checking. When a guy goes in, you should be able to submarine him. Cut his legs out, lands on his head.

You want to fucking jack the ratings? Oh, mama's home. So, yeah. That's about it. So, yeah, I'll see you guys in Phoenix. 26, 27, 28. That's this Thursday, So yeah, I'll see you guys in Phoenix. 26, 27, 28. That's this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And I'm actually looking forward to it.

Don't really feel like getting on a goddamn plane again. But, you know, flying on a Kennedy. I'm looking at, I'm looking for a specific clip that I can't find. Doesn't matter. So yeah,

see you in Phoenix at Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Minneapolis, April 9th, 10th, and 11th. Marissa's on April 18th, which is Treehouse, Trumbull, Connecticut. And Helium, April 30th, May 1 and 2. All righty, that is it. Good to talk to you again you again see that was light-hearted huh you know what's his name mr floppy he's got a podcast i'm sure you people hate my politics

that's it spring's coming i'm looking outside i see grass. It's brown and it's rotted. But, God, it's been long, hasn't it? That's why I'm going to Target tonight. I'm going to pick out three Speedos for myself. Nice, tight, yellow, green and red Nuthuggers. And I'm going to put them on just like Ralph Cifaretto did. Remember when he was hanging out at the pool in Miami? I'm going to walk around. Because I've been doing T-Sean's 30-minute insanity workout.

And I'll be in a wheelchair, I'd say, in about a year from now. I'll be in a wheelchair shitting into a bag on my hip because I was doing T-Sean's 30-minute insanity. You've got to push yourself. You've got to push yourself. You've got to push yourself. When you think you can't do more, you gotta shit your pants, you gotta sit your pants, oh my god, he just babbles on and says nothing, but you know what, those freaking workouts work, they're 30 minutes long, and my heart rate

goes up to about 270, and yeah, I gotta be honest with you, it's just my friggin joints it's not an hour 53 i don't think there's nothing you can do chondritin what's that chondritin shit you gotta take carla quinn shoots it into his neck every day um it's good for your joints people tell me but my knees are cracking and stuff i wonder if it has to do that i'm i'm working out in my basement and there's a cement floor obviously it's carpeted but uh and the you and there's a cement floor. Obviously, it's carpeted. But, you know, there's a pad under the carpet. But the floor is cement. You think that might have something to do with it?

Maybe if I get some of those shoes like Paul Stanley would, you know, in his kiss days. Eight-foot platform sneaker shoes. Something to cushion the blow. Because my knees and I got the fucking hips of fucking Greta Garbo. I don't even know what that means. Anyways, kids. Here's Liberace to tell you how I feel. I love you for helping me to construct of my life.

Not a tavern, but a temple. Girl, I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. I've done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. Damn, I'm hungry. You have done it by just being yourself. Can I have a jar of pepper do's? Perhaps after all.

Google it. That is what love means. And that is why I love you. Girl, I'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.