The Nick DiPaolo Show - 074 - Home Sweet Home

Episode Date: March 31, 2015

Home Sweet Home

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how are ya? Sweet home, baby, home sweet home Fresh off the road, Phoenix, House of Comedy Not a bad, beautiful club. Gorgeous club. Brand new, which I didn't realize. My agent didn't make that clear, but I guess it opened in September. And, you know, not much of a marketing plan. Didn't do any radio or anything.

So, and it's, I don't know about the location. It's in a weird place. Seems like it's a little off the offbeaten path. But, beautiful club. As nice physically as any club I've stepped into. So, small crowds. But, it's funny when you play these new rooms, if you've been doing this long enough, you can, the crowds are like, they're kind of like new to stand up as far as being there live.

They kind of have like a virgin feel to them. I can't describe it. They, it's just weird. I don't know. They kind of, uh, get offended a little easier, but then they come around because they know that, oh, this guy knows what he's doing. He's been doing it a while. It's weird.

I can't describe it, but they have like a new to the comedy scene feel to them. But it was all right. But you know what happens? And this happened like three times in Phoenix. Anytime somebody comes up to me before the show, and is like, yeah, big fan, blah, blah, blah, they always end up being assholes when they're in the audience.

They feel like they made a connection. Now they can talk to you while you're on stage. That's why I fucking hide before I go on stage. But it happened like three times in Phoenix. Three different guys came up to me over the weekend before the show. Blah, blah, blah. You know, love your work,

been following you a long time. And I'm almost cringing as I'm talking to them because I know. Like they broke that fourth wall. Now we're friends. And again, the alcohol. There was a guy that came up before the

show first of all he's sitting at the bar i'm sitting at a table away from the bar he goes hey nick and then he like gives me this gesture with his hand like come on over and i'm like what the fuck what am i your bitch and uh he goes well we'll meet halfway he meet halfway. He's in a goddamn Hanes white T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. And then he stands up. He's about 6'4", 260. Look like a tight end. But, you know, obviously I could tell he had a few in him already. And he could be a problem.

And sure enough, who starts, you know, gesturing to me wildly while he's in the audience and every time i looked his way he'd like put his hands up and do two peace signs and whatever the fuck and you know yelling a few things out and and it happened the show the first show um same thing with another guy who was with another guy the guy that i met before the show didn't yell any shit out to me, but his buddy did. What about your father? What about what? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I don't understand.

I mean, stand up has been around long enough that you should know as an audience member. But again, like I said, this is a new club. So it was weird, but they were good. They came around. Like I said, they were a little touchy. And but you have to like scold them. You really do. You have to educate them like a dog.

You have to hit them on the nose with a newspaper. But, you know, table of girls. Anytime I did anything that, you know, generalized women. It's so funny how touchy. Whole table of girls going, no. but they were good they they learned quickly i don't suffer fools well but um yeah so it was a good it was a good chance to try new stuff they like i said the audiences were you know small so great time to experiment which is easy to do to me in front of half of a house uh it's hard to try to play with new shit in front of a packed crowd you feel more obligated to go from joke a to z and work tight i have this theory

about the asshole quotient of every 15 people. There'll be one asshole in the audience. So the bigger the crowds, the more the asshole quotient goes up. That's my little theory. So you have to work tight in front of a packed house usually. And that wasn't the case this weekend. It was plenty of room to experiment and throw new shit out, which is great for me. It's fun as a comic. I am funnier.

It's just meant to be done in an intimate setting. I am funnier, or maybe I just don't have the balls when the house is packed to fuck around and try a lot of new stuff. But something about the intimacy that brings it out in you. It's like being around at a party with 30 of your friends. I can't describe it but you can work looser you can take your time up there you can actually you know breathe not work a joke a second to stay on top of them which is how i usually work but uh so i got some uh i got to

play with some new premises and stuff and um other than the few drunks you know it was all right i i gotta teach these new clubs this is about eight things they can do to make it better for them and for the comics and one of them is don't don't crank music like they play like loud music as they're seating people. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but they're seating people, and you're playing loud music, which is not the setting that you're trying to create.

You want these people to sit there and listen for the next hour and not talk loudly. I mean, they're yelling over each other. They're in their seats a half hour before the show, yelling over each other. Why in their seats a half hour before the show yelling over each other you know why wouldn't you play like soft music and it's supposed to be like theater well you to put them in the mood to the this club it was actually they were playing some funny guy some guy named mara richard cheese that's right dick cheese folks who you know who play who does like contemporary you know he'll do pop or whatever rock songs but he sings them like uh you know like robert goulet would that was fine but but then there was like rock music blaring before the show again that doesn't put the audience in

the right fucking frame of mind they're yelling at each other and talking at this level so they can hear each other before the show so that's one of the things and the second thing is if you're a new club you got to stay you got to get your arms around the cell phone problem the i say there's a few clubs that do it they have a doorman as somebody walk through the room walk around the perimeter of the room even when there's no heckling going on or anything, just to keep an eye out. It seems like the clubs have given up on the cell phone thing. They've just given up. And it's not fair to the fucking comics,

because it's very distracting. You don't know if the guy's recording you or the woman's recording you. And sure enough, one of the shows, there's a woman sitting by herself. And I'm talking a woman, not a young girl, a woman. And she's playing with her phone.'s like you know 10 feet from me i ask her to shut it off and she just ignores me and and starts playing with it again like five minutes later i go please hang up the phone

and then she just stands up turns out she was really drunk they told me after they said she was slurring in the law but she stands up and i go i said what are you doing you don't have to leave i don't fucking i don't i'm not gonna sit here and be hassled i mean the emotional level of a fucking eighth grade girl i mean i just asked her to shut her phone off. And she starts her fucking whining, I don't need this, wah, wah, wah, and storms out. And everybody applauds. Because they know she's in the wrong. But that's the mentality of the average grown-up. At least at a comedy club.

It's so fucking irritating and depressing. She's a grown woman. Almost ready to cry because somebody told her to shut her cell phone off. What a douche. And they said, like, again, alcohol. She said, somebody told me that worked there. She said, he doesn't know what I'm going through right now. Like I'm supposed to?

Who am I, fucking Dr. Phil? What does that matter? He doesn't know what I'm going through. So that's another thing. You got to stay on top of that uh new clubs in my opinion you know even the older clubs seem to be giving up now people just think it's their right i i don't understand it it's just so fucking so selfish and obnoxious. Yeah, so, and you got to stay on top of people that are, you know,

drunk or getting loud. There should be, like I said, there should always be somebody in the room walking around. That's kind of a preemptive strike.

This club was beautiful, though. Beautiful club. And this guy, Rick Bronson, runs it. Well, he's the owner and i actually know this guy from montreal he does a little bit of comedy himself but i've met him up uh at the festival a few times but i didn't know his last name i only knew him as rick every time i've ever met him so i almost shit when i saw who the owner was and uh i guess he's opening up in uh minneapolis

and i said don't even try to ask me to do that club. I'm not doing it because Acme. And he goes, I know, I know, Lewis. You know, my favorite club is Acme and Lewis Lee. And he's opening in another place in Philly, I think he said. I don't know. I don't know where these guys get their money. Holy Christ.

And then I had a choice of staying at a hotel. The guy's bringing me to the hotel, but he mentions the condo and how awesome and brand new it is. And nobody ever wants, you don't stay at comedy condos when you're the headliner normally. I mean, that shit goes out the window, you know, once you make a name for yourself. Because these comedy condos, it's just a condo that the club rents and they're usually filthy and gross and you're laying in uh you know the carrot top spooge or whoever was headlining you know the week before and uh it's they can be really gross and um usually not an option but he's he's telling me and describing it to me. And I'm like, he goes, it's right across the street from the club.

It's brand new. And so I go, let me take a look at it. And sure enough, the thing must have been 2,800 square feet to myself. It was like staying at a resort. The pool was right outside where i was this beautiful pool that was lit up at night and shit and i mean just a brand new condo everything was brand i wanted to steal shit but i didn't out of respect to the club uh house of comedy is the name of the club and uh just a friggin awesome so i stayed at the condo because it was a four minute walk across the street to the club. And but still, man, I just don't travel well. It's really sad for a guy who makes his living doing this. I just when you change, you know, when you change time zones like that, I wake up at I kept waking up at 6, 7 in the morning

Not unlike here Although lately I've been sleeping a little better here at home But you know, you're on New York time So I'm waking up and And it's like 7 in the morning And not being able to go back to sleep You know how fucking long a day that is? And it wasn't really near

It wasn't near like a mall or anything. It was, it's fucking horrible. Excuse me. So I'm just sitting there and, you know, reading and trying to write and looking up at the clock going, oh, it must be, it's got to be noontime. I look up, it's like 1030 in the morning. I look up, I go, it's got to be three in the afternoon. It's like quarter to one. It's like 1030 in the morning.

I look up. I go, it's got to be three in the afternoon. It's like quarter one. I mean, I was only there three days and I didn't have a bad time, but I didn't. It just I felt like I was there for a month. I can't describe it. And no, I'm not going to rent a car at this point in my life and try to drive around, which you do when you're younger, you know, or whatever. When you're younger on the road or you go explore. That's why I use, that's why I used to bring Joe list with me or somebody I knew for a feature act. Then, then you can kill time, you know, doing whatever, you know,

playing with each other's tits, whatever you do. But, uh, so yeah, the days just for creeping by and uh you know it just i fucking hate the road so much the flight was what five to phoenix a little over five and about four they shaved a lot off it a little over four like 4 15 coming back which is pretty good oh i'm sitting but that's the other thing the fucking i can't i can't i can't sit on a plane for almost five hours i got a lady next to me across the aisle again grown woman keeps putting her head down on the tray because she's like tired and then just like squirming again like like like like you'd see a six-year-old kid do squirming and then sitting up and then slamming her tray down putting her head down

and then she takes out this fucking hand cream and starts rubbing her hands i'm not shitting you for like 25 minutes feverishly i mean she must have been a little fucking nuts and of course it smelled like that sweet shit that makes me nauseous and then as she's doing that the guy sitting next to me in the middle seat on my side opens a bag of cheese popcorn and a bag of beef jerky so now i got the smell of cheese beef jerky and fucking strawberry hand lotion just mixing and fucking i literally was getting nauseous. It was fucking just making me queasy. And then she put her head down again.

She'd put the tray up and then put the tray down, put her head down again and try to take a nap. Is that fucking normal behavior for like an adult? Oh my God. And it was just smelled horrendous and uh ah i i don't know how people do it i don't know how you fucking do it and they go why don't you come out west and people in la how come you don't perform in la in sacramento and again i don't know but just buy the goddamn special by the way another senseless

killing available on itunes and at nickdip.com it's still a day it goes in and out of the charts i was watching but it's it was it like number 60 something today wasn't even in there last week so uh it's good it's still selling man so you can get it for whatever it's cheap to go to nickdip.com but it's selling well anyways uh yeah so uh i hope that the club lasts because it's uh you know it's a beautiful club i mean physically just tremendous um bump bump and the condo was awesome if i did it again i think i'd stay at the condo you know peeking out of the pool they had blinds i'm like a pervert looking out at the pool but it was uh you know 98 96 or whatever i went out there for like an hour and 10 minutes i had

no sunblock my fucking chest out of the bubble like a fucking slice of pizza unbelievable something's changed and that's like uh that's not that hot for phoenix obviously but uh but whatever i'm back oh it feels so good i have my car waiting for me i drove to to Kennedy and left it there. And that was like $160. Can you fucking imagine $160 to park? Your sister's nipples, $160. Fucking New York. You just take it in the ass living in the Northeast. I understand. Tulsa's starting to look better to me. Places like that. Don't you think? Anywho, what up going on? What's the latest? Oh, that frigging German pilot.

Huh? What a confused little fruit cup he is. Andreas Lubatz. What a scumbag, huh? I don't think I've talked to you since they found out exactly, you know, that it was the co-pilot that took the plane down and he had all kinds of

mental issues. But because of privacy laws, I guess it's just like that in Germany like it is over here. The privacy laws, you know, you can't invade anybody's privacy and you know, what a dick. Supposedly he had a girlfriend who was pregnant and she just left him a couple weeks ago. They've been together forever.

And he's had psychiatric problems. So it's like the perfect storm. But still, you know what? You still, it's not like you're insane. Right? It's not like you're insane. You made it to work that day. You got dressed.

You made it to the airport, into the cockpit. You selfish fuck. And you're going to take 150. And it's like people say, it's not suicide. That's fucking murder. That's 150 counts of murder. I hope Satan's putting it right in his ass. What a scum.

But, yeah, I guess they found some of his body, traces of his body. Everybody was just pulverized, obviously. The plane was going 500 miles an hour when it hit the frigging mountains. But they got some traces of his body amongst the trash so um yeah forensic investigators so far have identified 78 separate dna strands from body parts of the crash site they don't think the uh the flight recorder, the flight data recorder will ever be found. I think I might have been too pulverized. But, um, can you friggin' imagine being that friggin' selfish and fucked up?

I guess he had a bunch of doctor's notes he had tore up. But, uh, I don't know. I'm wondering about him him i look at his picture and my gaydar goes goes up i don't know he just looks maybe it's because the only picture they kept showing him was in front of the uh golden gate bridge and then they talked about he was a flight attendant maybe he's just a little confused sexually i gotta be throwing that out there. Don't get upset, kids. Just a theory of mine. You know? But he supposedly, yeah,

supposedly had a girlfriend who was pregnant or whatever, and she said she was leaving him. That might put you over the top, especially if you have mental problems before that. But the pastor of the Lutheran church in his hometown, I guess he made some controversial comments by insisting that the community stands by him, the co-pilot. Why would you stand by that bucket of cheese? For us, it makes it particularly difficult that the only, this is the pastor, only victim from Montabar is suspected to have caused this tragedy this crash although this has not been finally confirmed pastor michael dietrich said the co-pilot the family belonged to our community we stand by this well who gives a fuck just because

he's from your hometown you're going to deny reality and we stand by this and we embrace them and will not hide this and want to support the family in particular. But it sounds much nicer in German when, you know, this is him in German. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that a beautiful language? That's him saying they should stand behind the co-pilot. Because he was from, you know, their hometown. Sounds much nicer in German.

If you don't know what I'm doing, I'm doing you-know-who. Joe Pesci's mother in Goodfellas. Sounds much nicer in Italian. He was content. Content to be a loser. He knew it. A jerk, you know. Dirk Fischer.

Dirk Fischer, the transport expert, has proposed an easing of medical confidentiality for those in sensitive jobs. I'm with that. I'm with that for over here. This is the guy over in Germany, I guess, or France, whatever. Under his proposal, pilots would go to doctors that are specified by the employer. Kind of makes sense, don't it? You know? You got to know. With jobs like that, you got to know.

How are you always looking when I'm boarding? Do you always look in to see who the pilot is? Hope you don't look in there and see a guy looking at a picture of his ex-wife crying. Or a Muslim, you know, with the full headdress and eating a piece of pork. That's never a good sign. Yeah, so I think they really should do that over here. It's very hard to find out about people, even in sensitive jobs, because the ACLU, you know, it's a touchy thing,

because you don't want the government up your ass and invading your privacy, but with something like this, I think we should know. Who's doing what? You know what I mean? Between the Malaysia plane disappearing. And then the. There was one. Middle Eastern plane that went down a few years ago. 1999 I think it was.

Remember? They thought that might be the case. Suicide. But this is flat out friggin murder. How friggin sad huh? Horrible. What a horrible goddamn world. That's right, it's the Nick DiPaolo Positive Show.

Yeah. This, uh, yeah, so Let's stay on the death topic for a second. I hate to say it, it's a horrible world but i think this is what really made me uh this is the headline in this story today man killed by falling headstone while decorating family grave are you shitting me ah it makes you think the devil is alive and well a man was killed when a headstone fell on a monday morning this is in throup i think throup pennsylvania throup police are calling this a

horrible tragedy well thanks for connecting the dots there fucking officers the chief confirmed that a 74 year old man was killed when one of the headstones at saint joseph's cemetery and through fell on his head the cemetery caretaker says the man and his wife were decorating a family grave for easter can you friggin believe what the fuck police paramedics in the county corner were on a scene for a few hours they surrounded the gravesite and worked on removing the man's body can you friggin believe it this is what happens the caretaker says at the cemetery because the ground is getting to thaw the bases of headstones often sink and the headstones can be easy to tip over. He said the couple is here several times.

He had decorated the family gravesite. Can you friggin' imagine? Unfriggin' believable. The caretaker said the couple just recently moved their burial plots right in front of the headstone that fell. Caretakers of the couple just recently moved their burial plots right in front of the headstone that fell. I mean, if there is a God, I mean, he really does. He can be a bit of a prick. Let's be honest.

The gravesite. What? The paramedics and the police work on removing the man's body. Why? Where are you taking it? He's home. Just dig the hole. Jesus.

I'd like to be his wife. That's why I don't go to a... I was working on a bit about funerals and, you know, wakes. I kind of prefer wakes because you get right up next to the body. I got it depends. I'm not talking about a close, close family member. You know, when you go to a wake that you know somebody marginally. You know, you get the kneel next to the body.

Do you do what I do? You pretend you're saying a prayer, but what are you doing? Your brow beating the body like, oh, that's a dead guy. He's a dead fellow. You don't get to see that often. You're not that close, but what are you doing? Your brow beating the body like, oh, that's a dead guy. He's a dead fella. You don't get to see that often. You're not that close with a dead body that often. I mean, maybe once in a while, prom night or something. But, and I was thinking, and this is true because I remember being at a funeral a couple years ago.

Buddy of mine's dead. And I'm thinking, I remember thinking this, I mean, the guy's got a nice suit on, he's got nice shoes, I'm looking at the casket, and the finish work, and the craftsmanship, just the casket alone is beautiful, it looks like, it's like a goddamn sailboat, it's got 40 coats of shellac on it, nice silk interior, and then he's got his nice suit on, I'm going, what a waste, what a waste of material. Do you ever think of that? Kind of bugs me. Maybe I was raised frugally, you know, my New England upbringing.

It really bugs me. I didn't think about the poor pricks that are digging the holes, the ditch diggers at the cemetery probably making eight bucks an hour. They're going to tell me they're not going to, as soon as the family leaves, some of these guys don't take the fucking suits next time you see a groundskeeper somebody that takes care of your yarns wearing three-piece suit while he's cutting your rows the casket you can make a nice go-kart for your kids or a pool out of it but i think it's such a waste. It's a waste of material and craftsmanship.

That's why I have it in my will. When I die, I'm giving the people that bury me, the funeral home has the, I want them to strip me down in my tighty-whities and dump me out of the casket right into the hole, just like Joe Pesci at the end of Casino. That's how I want to be buried. And then give the clothes, donate the clothes to some poor people. In the casket, like I said.

Make a nice armoire if you stand it up. Anybody with me? Can you imagine you're praying and a goddamn, and a headstone fucking falls on you? God, is there any God? Well, it's your time to go. It's your time to go. What else is going on, kiddos?

Couldn't smoke at that club either. Always drive me nuts. Can't smoke at that club either. It was driving me nuts. Can't smoke anywhere anymore. Supposed to be able to. I guess, you know, there is something in these places if the artist uses tobacco and is an actor,

he can do it. But nobody has the balls. Very few places. Down south, they're a little more lenient. Here's the headline for you fecal transplant that's what i said fecal transplant treat serious recurrent intestinal infection i think i'd rather die

fecal transplants using stool from a donor. All right, enough of that. Fecal transplants using stool from a donor have been successful at treating a serious gut infection. Again, I think I'd rather beat that. The infection is called Clostridium difficile. It causes diarrhea and severe abdominal pain and kills thousands of people worldwide each year. The authors of the small study explain,

it believed that the infection overwhelms the good bacteria required to maintain a healthy intestine. We'll just have some Ensure, or whatever that fucking faggy yogurt is. It's supposed to kill bad bacteria that all the soccer moms and older people eat my age. Holy Christ. Fecal matter is collected from a donor. How do I get on that list? It's probably a guy with a clipboard right outside of Taco

Bell at two in the morning. I'd like to talk to you. Come over here, fellas. Vehicle matters collected from a donor. I wonder who has that job. Purified. Oh, yeah, sure. Mixed with a saline solution. Sounds like a sloppy joe recipe. And transferred to the patient, usually by colonoscopy. Usually. Okay, usually. What does that mean? There's other ways of doing it? Well, you got a choice. You got, I guess, somebody maybe on the tip of somebody's dick. Can we put it in that way? If you're into that stuff. Not that there's anything right with that. Quack, quack, quack, quack.

Fecal matter collected from a donor, purified, mixed with saline and a little bit of Stoli orange and a lime, and you get yourself a delicious summer drink. No, usually by colonoscopy. What? I've had colonoscopy. What are they? They leave shit on there from the donor and then, holy moly, Christ almighty. However, not much is known about the long-term stability of fecal transplants. The study published in the current issue of Journal Microbiome included 14 people who had recurring C. difficile infections.

Four of them received fecal transplants. The healthy changes in the patient's intestinal bacteria populations were sustained for up to 21 days after transplant. That's it? You're putting somebody else's shit in my ass and I'm only going to get three weeks out of it? You got to do better than that, fellas. Again, I think I'd rather let my gut rot. Every time I hear about stomach problems like this,

I think of, again, you know how my mind always goes back to the Sopranos? I'm sorry, but there's a scene for every situation in real life in the Sopranos. When Adriana had irritable bowel syndrome, and she's telling christopher about it while he's shaving in the bathroom and he goes yeah my uh my aunt had stomach problems her whole her whole asshole rotted out oh god do i miss that show the study could have implications for the uh regulation uh of fecal transplants in the united states the u.s food and drug administration consider fecal transplants to be a drug yeah as in this is good shit

uh and has uh standardization will be important i don't know what the fuck that means what are they gonna they're probably gonna allow a little bit of fecal matter and and like hot dogs and so they already do that you know rat fecal matter but like hot dogs. And so they already do that, you know, rat fecal matter. But does that make any sense to you? The Food and Drug Administration consider fecal transplants to be a drug. When people get addicted to it. Whoa, I need somebody to shove some shit in my ass. Not my own.

I'm hooked on that. I don't understand that. How can I consider it a drug? I'm going to go to CVS, and there's going to be just little tubes of shit. However, the diversity of normal fecal bacteria in both donors and recipients suggests that this approach to regulation

will not work for the fecal transplants. I get it. We have too many different, you know, the donor and the people receiving. We have too much different microbiology to standardize it, you know. Put it next to the Pepsodent at CBS. That's fucking weird, huh?

Fecal transplants. I think I'd rather have stomach cancer. Not sure. This story, again, to me, under the guise of political correctness, under the category. Headline, Reds, as in Cincinnati Reds baseball team, debut room for nursing moms. When Cincinnati Reds chief operating officer, Phil Castellini, was told by stadium operations that there was an increased number of women asking where they could nurse their children at the ballpark. As a father of five, he couldn't dismiss the idea. No, that would take some balls of doing the best he could to provide a worthwhile solution.

It just didn't make sense. This is Phil talking now. It just didn't make sense that we would put a couple of chairs in the woman's bathroom. No, put them in the men's room and charge five bucks a head, stupid. Guys would love to see that. How about this? How about, ladies, how about this? I don't mean to be crass, but how about you stay the fuck home and breastfeed your kid

and don't go to the ballpark? I know you want it all. How about that? Because I'd hate to be sitting there watching a ball game and having to listen to this shit. That'll be pleasant, huh, for nine innings? Oh, baby must be hungry. Take him to the hot dog stand. Get him a foot long with everything. Jesus Christ. Are there that many fucking women really breastfeeding at the park that we have to make us separate?

We have lost our fucking minds. How about just throwing a jacket over it? It's a natural thing. Why even cover up? Let us watch. Why, you know? You got to build separate, and they show these,

they're building separate areas where women can breastfeed at the ballpark. It's really that big a problem? Really? Fuck. I like to spank it, you know? Can you build me a room at Fenway? Sometimes I get the urge, I get horny around the fifth inning.

The site, built by local home builder Fisher Homes and sponsored by Pampers, oh, here we go, which is owned by Cincinnati-based Procter & Gamble, will have five gliders that will give the female fan the comfort of home while at the ballpark. Again, stay home, okay? The kids, that fucking young, stay home, huh? Raise the kid. And that goes for traveling too. This weekend I must have seen seven babies on the flight. Where the fuck are you going? Settle down. Don't leave the house to that soft spot in his skull that's completely formed. Because I can see it going in and out when we're changing altitudes. Like a Pepsi can in a pool. Where the fuck is everybody going

with their brand new kids? We want it all. Stay home. Feed the kid. You shouldn't come out of the house until the kid's like, I don't know, seven. How's that? Is that sexist? I hope so. The space can be used for breast or bottle feeding and diaper changing. Areas include private restrooms, a kitchenette, refrigerator, and lockers to store items during the game. What the fuck? This kid's in Africa, you know?

Living in shithuts made of banana leaves and mud. But we have rooms at our ballparks where you can breastfeed, just for breastfeeding. The nursing center is another example of teams catering more to female fans. We know that. We know. New stadiums, including Yankees' team, have doubled the number of toilets for women than for men. I wonder why that is. It has nothing to do with, you don't need more toilets. Don't spend 40 hours

in the fucking mirror after you take your dump adjusting your makeup. Then the lines wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't fucking back up. Does it take you that long? You don't,

it doesn't take any longer to piss, does it? Than a guy? Or did it take a quick dumperini? Huh? It's because you're in the mirror for 25 minutes. We also have

flat screen TV so that they won't miss the game. Yeah, it's sort of like home, isn't it? Stay in the fuck home with your kid. Yeah. Yeah. What if the baby gets hit with a line drive by accident, huh? Hmm. Anyways. So you got, you know, you can feed your fucking whiny kid that nobody wants to hear from. any kid that nobody wants to hear from. And other sports, well, kind of sports, no, that's more cultural.

From the NFL. Browns, as in Cleveland Browns, general manager suspended for four games. GM Ray Farmer has been suspended without pay for the first four games of the next season for sending texts to personnel during games in 2014 and the team was fined 250 grand the browns however did not forfeit any draft picks and the punishment why the fuck not which was announced by the NFL executive vice president of football operations, Troy Vincent, former Patriot. 250 grand,

which won't come out of his pocket, obviously. Farmer admitted to texting during games in violation of league's electronic device policy. Farmer has not revealed whom he texted, but sources and reports have said the text went to an assistant coach and an unnamed team rep on the sideline and that the text dealt with in-game strategy and use of personnel. And then later in the article well farmer sent text messages throughout most of the season a source close to the situation said the text took took place during multiple games and continued at least until the quarterback

johnny manziel got his first start in week 15 maybe he was lobbying to put uh to put uh johnny manziel in there he's probably well you put the put Johnny Manziel in there. He's probably, well, you put the little fucking cracker in there, please. I mean, we're paying this guy mega bucks for Christ's sake. He was our top draft pick. Put in a little cracker. I'm saying that because the guy's black, by the way. Which is why I think Troy Vincent might have cut him a break and it didn't cost them a draft pick.

I think he was cutting the brother. It's just a little conspiracy conspiracy there. Yeah. Ray Farmer's black and so is Troy Vincent. So maybe that's why it didn't cost them a draft pick. And the reason I'm saying that is because the Falcons were also busted this week. and the reason I'm saying that is because the Falcons were also busted this week. They were fined 350K and they lost a draft pick because they were piping in noise for the last couple seasons into the Georgia Dome. Pipe this in when somebody's trying to get a fucking...

Red 80! Red 80! Overhaulawks! Quiet, I'm trying to pike the ball. Can you imagine they piped in noise the last couple seasons, the Falcons, and they still suck. I think they've won six games in two years at home, somebody said. The Falcons will lose a fifth round pick. Now, why is that? That doesn't seem any more serious,

less serious than what Mr. Ray Farmer was doing. And it turns out the Falcons guy, Roddy White, and no, it's not the four-time Pro Bowl. Wasn't Roddy White a receiver for the Falcons? Roddy White is, by the way, is a white guy. See where I'm going with this? It cost them a draft pick. Why?

Why? Why it didn't cost Ray Farmer from the Browns a draft pick? You know what I'm saying? Come on, I'm doing it tongue-in-cheek, but it is kind of fucking, you know. Mads and the Falcons, yeah, so they can hardly afford to give up any draft picks, can they? Falcons president Rich McKay was not aware of White's violation, according to the NFL, but will be suspended from the league's competition committee.

Oh, Mr. McKay will be suspended from the league's competition committee from April 1st through at least June 30th for failing to ensure the franchise complied with league rules. So I guess my patriots, by the way, who don't cheat, I know you all want to say they do. I want to hear all the noise about the Browns and the Falcons. You know why? Nobody gives a fuck because they suck. That's really embarrassing.

You get caught cheating and you still stink. P.U. Yeah. Another story, kind of sports related, but more about freedom of speech for the young white heterosexual males in this country,

who obviously the government has a hard-on for. University of Mary, Washington. I'd never heard of the school. It's about 4,000 people in Fredericksburg, Virginia, right outside there, has suspended activities from its men's rugby team. After officials there said an audio recording captured some team members chanting a song, get this folks, with violent and sexually explicit lyrics. You mean like a hip-hop song? In an email to the university community on March 19th, President Rick Hurley said the school imposed

sanctions because the team's actions violated its code of conduct for club sports. Oh my god, what a fucking time we're living in. You have to be shitting me. According to the school, the recording featured several team members at an off-campus party at the end of the fall semester. Okay, so this is not even current, and it's off-campus.

Officials say the chant, listen to this, kids, buckle up, hold on tight. Officials say the chant contains sexually explicit, derogatory, and violent language. Hmm, sounds like every hip-hop song ever written in the last 20 years. Some students have been... Listen to this. Listen to this.

This is fucking Mr. Hurley, the president of the school. Mr. Hurley, the president of the school. Some students have been exposed to the quote-unquote offensive and lurid lyrics due to posting by others on social media. Oh my God. How horrible. Do you believe this shit in this day and age? When athletes are assaulting and raping women on campus

oh and i'm just guessing the rugby team is white because the school is about 90 percent white and uh you know not too many brothers playing rugby although they should because they would be super superstars i love when people compare rugby to like the NM. It's just as rough as football. Yeah, right. Can you imagine a running back, you know, DeMarco Murray playing rugby, running over? I mean, you know, when you watch rugby, you don't see any guys. You don't see any, you know, first of all, you don't see that many brothers if there are any. And they're not 5'10", about 255 and running a 4'4", 40.

That's what you don't see in rugby. I know you can get hurt. People go, well, they don't wear equipment. That's why it's more dangerous. They don't have to. If you didn't wear equipment in the NFL, there'd be paralysis and dead guys every day. You can get away with it. Rugby.

But are you hearing me? The chant contains sexually explicit derogatory and violent language, and some of the students have been exposed to offensive and lurid lyrics due to posting on social media. Oh, the school wouldn't provide a copy of the audio recording. No? Oh, that's kind of strange. Listen to this quote from As fuck the president no student on our campus should feel unsafe ostracized or threatened hurley wrote we pride ourselves on being a diverse there's that

word again caring community and we must live up to that ideal what politically correct fucking horseshit and you only implement it when it's fucking white kids? What a bunch of horse shit. What a bunch of, and he's white, I'm sure. Just a fucking self-hating ball-less. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

No student on a campus should feel unsafe, ostracized, or threatened. Why not? That's how they're going to feel when they go off campus. That's real life. What is going on, man? What is going on? And you Larry Wilmore fans of the nightly show, since I said my stuff about all the politically correct horseshit that comes from the left,

there's been about 19 examples, by the way, from Berkeley not allowing the American flag on fucking campus to this horseshit. And there was another story last week about banning certain words. Okay? So I hope you... You know. Fuck.

Makes me sick. The incident at the Fredericksburg School follows recent news of a fraternity at University of Oklahoma that was disbanded after its members were caught on video engaging in a racist chant. Last week, North Carolina State University also disbanded a fraternity chapter after the discovery of a notebook filled filled with sexist are you hearing this sexist and racially offensive entries in a restaurant off campus they found a notebook at North Carolina State University in a restaurant that had sexist and racially offensive entries into it. You don't see this fucking crusade? And I said it on the goddamn show,

and I was right, Larry Wilmore. Political correctness was created, and it's just about silencing white heterosexual males. That's all it is. It's such fucking horse poop. Un-friggin'-believable. College campuses have just lost it just liberal indoctrination they have safe zones that was the other thing that i wish i you know they have safe zones on campus now we're i don't i didn't even the headline made me dizzy i didn't even finish the story it said where students can go to so they'll can go so they'll be away from anything

that makes them uncomfortable as far as speech, language. We fucking lost it. It's so... Did you ever hear of the University of Mary Washington? Jesus, maybe the name itself. That would encourage

misogynist behavior. Just the University of Mary Washington. Yuck. I would encourage misogynist behavior. Just the University of Mary Washington. Ugh. Yuck. Every time I read a story like that, whether it's the Oklahoma, you know, Oklahoma, like I go on the internet and there was a clip on there,

I think it was a recent clip clip of a white guy on a subway with mostly black people in St. Louis and it said in the story that the black a black guy gets on he's got a red t-shirt on you can tell he's a little bit crazy he's standing up and yapping away at people and then he it said he asked a white guy about the Michael Brown case the Ferguson case before attacking him and then you can you can watch the video it's asked a white guy about the Michael Brown case, the Ferguson case, before attacking him. And then you can watch the video. It's just a white kid sitting like on a subway in the front. And he punches, just like sucker punches a kid like three times in the face and then tries to kick him in the head. And another black guy or woman joins in.

So, see, I see shit like that every day on the internet and i'm supposed to get all upset all upset when they find like um footage of a white fraternity using the n-word and a chant you know today both those weigh the same according to you know the people who love political correctness they're they're equally as evil that's what i that which fucking but uh every time i hear a story like that like you know that fraternity chapter getting shut down can you imagine over that i'm not condoning it i'm just saying you're gonna shut down the fraternity because of that every time i hear that or read about this story today at University of Mary Washington, I think of this guy from Animal House, Dean Graber. And if you wise guys try one more thing, one more,

I'm going to kick you out of this college. No more fun of any kind. Ah, no more fun of any kind. That's what he said. Dean Grabero that was on uh had to watch a little of that when i was in phoenix flipping through the channels it's hard not to watch it's almost like goodfellas you can't stop and then in uh the post uh andrea pizer had a good one.

A few months back, I had mentioned how Madam Secretary, that show, was just a piece of, you know, it was just a typical, you know, lib propaganda on TV. And that, you know, I said in the tweet something about Hillary Clinton. It's obviously to benefit her because she was secretary of state. And it's obviously, you know, to keep in people's mind that she could be, you know, be president. She has the abilities, the capabilities. And somebody on Twitter went, I usually agree with you, but that's a little bit of a leap. You think networks do stuff like that? I usually agree with you, but that's a little bit of a leap.

You think networks do stuff like that? Obviously, the guy was clueless about, you know, the biased media. But Andrea Pizer says, and the CBS series Madam Secretary, the fictional Hillary Clinton-like U.S. Secretary of State, played by Elizabeth McCord, wings it to Iran to save anti-nuclear weapons negotiations with the country's angelic pretend foreign minister and gets caught in a coup attempt orchestrated by America's dastardly make-believe CIA director. The foreign minister and a member of McCord's security detail are killed. Oh, the character's name is Elizabeth McCord. Are killed and others are hurt. Yet Madam Secretary, played by T. Oh, it's T. Elioni, emerges determined to make nice with Iran.

So see, fella on Twitter that I was talking to. Do you see? Do you see how they pull the headlines right from the news and manipulate it? You don't think that's done for a reason take your head out your ass man take your head out your ass wouldn't you love to i would love to get you know if you if you uh you know if you suggested that to hillary of course you know she could come back with this. What difference at this point does it make? It makes a lot of difference, sweetheart.

I still say she's got to back out. She's not going to run. I still say. I'm hoping she does. There's a guy obviously from the right. I'm hoping she does run. She got more baggage than fucking between her ankles and her eyes. Apparently, her router, her, you know, her, you know what?

That's the fucking word I'm looking for. She wiped to clean her server with all the emails. Yeah, they probably had nothing to do with Benghazi, did it? Oh, come on. What difference at this point does it make? It is... Take that, bitch. In the eye. Get out

of here, Hillary. Why you... If she runs, man, this is what you're going to hear coming out of my house. I don't feel good. I feel sick to my stomach. I do. Yeah, so just keep that in mind when you're watching your favorite shows. And all your CSI shows and watch how many of the defendants are people of color. I'd say about 2%.

It's fucking hilarious. It's hilarious. And people actually deny it. That's what makes me laugh. As Bill Hicks, you said, I can prove it with a pencil and pencil and paper. Yeah. The rugby team suspended. University of Mary Washington.

I think they played Nebraska in the orange bowl a few years ago. Um, good time for, if you're college sports fans uh i think uh i haven't been following the tournament that much i know it's done to the final four i believe how about me i think duke's in there i know uh kentucky be in there and whatnot, Michigan State and Wisconsin maybe. Again, I'm not the big hoops fan, but I was watching Frozen Four college hockey.

You probably go, you really are. Holy shit, Nick, how white can you be watching college hockey? I fucking love it. It's fucking great. It's physical. All that hitting that you used to see in the NHL, all those brutal checks, they still allow it in college.

It's vicious. It's fast. It's just tremendous. I'm telling you, try it, folks. Just try it. It's so fun. There's not 19 whistles at the end of the game, like in hoops. But I don't know who the hell is going to beat Kentucky.

Who the hell is gonna beat kentucky who the hell's gonna beat kentucky who are they playing wisconsin i'm sounding like a real bitch at this point i realize no i don't know who's left yeah sorry i brought it up but uh uh final four in and college hockey. Providence, 30 years ago was the last time they made it to the Final Four. Providence College, they're going to be playing Omaha, who's first time in the school's program. I didn't even know Omaha had a hockey program. How about that? They're in the Frozen Four.

They beat Rochester Institute of Technology, RIT. And BU beat Minnesota Duluth. They had BU, who was the number one ranking in the country, which is unbelievable because they had all these freshmen last year, and they kind of stunk. I remember going, and this is how good this coach is. They increased their win total by 16 this year and they still have a ton of young kids. It's going to be frightening.

They're playing North Dakota, who's always got a great hockey program. That's going to be a war. I'm telling you, try it. If you're a hockey fan in general, it's frigging, it's unbelievable. Fast and vicious hitting and chippiness. And it's a lot of fun.

I guarantee. That's about it, I guess, kids. Good talking to you again should plug some gigs here if you live in the Phoenix area go out to the House of Comedy because I like to see that room last

I like the owners and the staff was great and it's like I said it's a gorgeous room if this comic's listening which I doubt I will be at my favorite club in the country. April 9, 10, 11, Acme Comedy Club,

where I taped another senseless killing. Go to nickdip.com and get that. And then on the 18th of April, I'll be at the comedy, you know what? The Marissa's in tremble connecticut the treehouse comedy club and then uh april 30th through may 2nd helium in philly which is one of my favorite gigs love philly love that city love you philly then pompton played in new jersey the comedy shop uh may 9th and then may 16th the main street armory in rochester new york looking forward to that i'll drive up have a um blow-up doll next to me for the ride to keep me company and just just pork the shit out of it when i get there um and then June 4th, 5th, and 6th, Tampa.

I'll be at SideSplitters. That's enough, right? That's enough? I think it is. So with that, man, am I hungry. I did, you know what? I did Insanity again today. 30-minute Insanity.

It's so funny because I actually do the, you know how they always have like a heavyset person doing the modified exercises. I'm about to that point. I do kind of half the real ones and half modified. But I'm, you know, following along with a fat chick in the front. Because I have the hips of a 200-year-old mummy. And shoulders. But you get your heart rate up, man. And your heart rate goes through the roof.

You sweat like an animal. And then I go outside and have a cigarette while my blood's pumping. And right after I work out, I have a cigarette. My lungs are opening. And that poison gets in there and just goes to your head. It must be like a heroin rush, only not even quite that good. But I'm just saying. Just trying to hang in there.

My joints are fucking killing me. But remember, sitting is the new cancer. Remember we talked about that last week? That's it, kids. Until next time. And you all know how I feel about you. And if you don't, my friend Lee will tell you. I love you for helping me to construct of my life.

Girl, fucking smash his fucking face. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. And you blew it. You blew it. You have done it without a word, without a touch. Yeah, baby. Without a sign. You have done it.

And you blew it! You blew it. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. I have no idea. And that is why I love you. Girl,

I'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in. Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.