The Nick DiPaolo Show - 076 - Can I Kiss You?

Episode Date: April 14, 2015

Can I Kiss You?

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast. Hi. How are you? Nick DiPaolo. What's up, kids? Fresh back from ACME in Minneapolis. Very successful weekend. Thank you very much, everybody that works there. Louis Lee, the owner. Four out of five shows sold out.

And just unbelievable crowds, man. Get to that in a few seconds. Let me get the plugs out of the way as usual. I hate this part this part feel like a dick um this saturday april 18th i'm at marissa's it's the comedy treehouse series at marissa's in trumbull connecticut saturday the 18th done it a couple times it's a great gig actually then april 30th through may 2nd i'm at helium in philadelphia another great room um then let's see the comedy shop in pompton plains new jersey don't even have the gig the

venue for that yet but that's on the 9th of may and then the 16th the main street armory which is a nice theater up in rochester New York, on May 16th. And don't forget, another census killing. You can get it at nickdip.com. I don't know if you can use the radio coupon code or not with the pod. Well, try putting in the code radio, R-A-D-I-O, for you morons out there, and you'll get three bucks off try that not sure if it's a podcast i know when i'm plugging uh plugging it on the radio stations you get three bucks off cost you five instead of eight

or pay as much as you want and um yeah so it was it was awesome We'll pay as much as you want. And yeah, so it was awesome. Acme Comedy Club Minneapolis, just a blast. I actually sold the DVDs and the CDs after the show, which I never do. It's just so painful. Even when it's easy and fun like in Minneapolis. I mean, I sold a ton of stuff, but I don't do it. I just feel so uncomfortable.

It's so unnatural. But, you know, I shot the special at that venue, so I figured, you know, people would be more interested in the stuff, and they were. And it was great meeting people and taking pictures and having strange girls' tits pressed against my rib cage i mean uh you know that's a big deal when you're in your 50s um yeah it was uh it was cool it was funny before one of the shows i was you know selling the stuff after the first show uh and there were

people uh waiting you know sort of where i was selling it to go into the second show it was a whole table of women and turns out it was one mom and six of her daughters like grown adult women and one stunning girl in her 20s who was married to one of the sisters brothers whatever she was the in-law daughter-in-law but uh so there's there's eight women there and they were all friendly and i'm joking around with them and uh and then you know they went to this show and uh all the shows were killer they always are at that club and um so then i was standing there selling my stuff after the show they saw and they uh they just gave me a quick nod and blew by me. And then I listened to this set, you know, on my phone because I record myself every night.

All young comics should do that and old. And I'm like, oh, I see why, you know, because I was going nuts about this woman on the flight there who had a bag that was way too big to lift into the overhead compartment. I did a whole eight minutes on that. And I also shit on Hillary Clinton for, you know, quite a few minutes. And I was piecing all that together and going, oh. I mean, they weren't, you know, completely dismissive of me on the way out, but they were a lot friendlier before the show. And after listening to it, frankly, I can't blame them.

I got to take it down a notch. I don't know. I get bored between shows, and I'm like, yeah, I'll do a shot of Jack or whatever. And then, you know, I get too abrasive. Maybe not. Fuck her. Fuck them. I don't know.

Just can't help it. But then there was an Asian girl up front with a guy, and I'm doing my stuff, and I was talking about whatever, and I said, we have a nice Asian woman up front. She gives me the finger, like a young girl, naturally, in her 20s, because she's been taught to hate me, and that's where we are. Even if a white guy just references an ethnicity, I guess that's racist. She gives me the finger. Maybe it's because I refer to her as a lady.

I don't know. But it really fucking pissed me off. It just, to me, shows the mindset and what goes on. She was like college age. Didn't say anything derogatory until after she gave me the finger you know it really bugs me they're just conditioned to fight i guess i'm not supposed to as a white guy not mention any ethnicities or whatever can't talk about any of that and i really let her have it and her boyfriend was laughing

um but i don't understand how I go yeah an Asian we have a nice and I actually said a nice Asian lady I could have said well Shane we have a broad who looks like

a hot nurse from MASH up front or 19 other racial you know Asian slurs which is much more fun but I was actually being polite at that point she gave me reason to be a dick so i was i didn't disappoint her you know i ended with and apparently uh that hit a nerve she gave me two fingers no she didn't mind then she was

laughing after and going along with it. But what is that mindset? You know what it is. You know what it is. But that really pissed me off. On the way there, though, the Delta flight. And don't fly Delta, by the way. Well, all airlines are really getting, you know, you know how they are. They're ripping us off. They're charging you if you want to piss. If you take a dump well if you want to use a toilet

paper that's an extra four dollars otherwise just rinse your ass in that tiny sink you know i mean you get my point they're just fucking us over and delta you book the flight before you go whatever they gave gave me a price or whatever and you know and then i get my boarding pass before i leave my home you know 24 hours in advance i you know how that works but then you can't do that on the return flight i can't they wouldn't assign me a seat they already have my fucking money now okay and i guess this is i don't know if it's a new thing or not i don't notice um i i haven't noticed it but maybe probably airline all of them are doing it now but i don't know know. So I couldn't get a signed seat and finally get on with the idiots.

And they're like, well, you know, we can assign, give you an assigned seat. Otherwise, we send you something. They send you something that looks like a boarding pass, but it doesn't have an assigned seat on it. So you can get your, you'll get your seat assigned at the gate right before you get on the, I don't want to do that. I'm a really anal retentive person when it comes to the airports i want all my shit in my hand beforehand and uh oh the other option was

paying an extra 30 and we'll assign you a seat so it's like a bait and switch it's a bait and switch thing they they already charged me one price for the ticket now i mean what and the excuse they used was something about well this is we, it allows families to stay together on the plane or if there's a special needs person or whatever. Some bullshit, fucking, horseshit excuse to, again, just stick it to you right before you go on the plane. So, you know, it cost me an extra 30. That's just dog shit. I can't believe that's even i you know i thought it was one of those situations when the the flight is oversold sometimes that happens you get thrown on the list you know and uh but that wasn't the case at all they're just porking me for an

extra 30 because i wanted an aisle seat i wanted a sign seat before i get to the airport so delta kiss my grits here's some strong language huh yeah i uh i i've just had it man i you know i i and and again i talked about this last week when i went to phoenix the nightmare flight with a beef jerky and the bug on hand lotion and all that smell and and on this flight i uh get behind a woman uh pulling a bag that i i had the you know it's one of those ones with wheels on it and a handle but i could just tell it was one of those hard shell like m&m shell casings on the outside i don't know why they do that at least with with the cloth ones, you can, I guess, you know, kind of, if you need an inch or two, just squeeze your shit into a crowded overhead compartment.

But with these plastic shell, anyways, first of all, she must have been retarded or cross-eyed. She kept catching the wheel on every seat as she was pulling it down the aisle like a spaz. Literally just the line behind blocking everybody trying to get on the plane. Every fucking seat, every leg of every seat, she caught a wheel on it. literally tape just the line behind blocking everybody trying to get on the plane every fucking seat every leg of every seat she caught her wheel on it i'm like jesus h christ and then she's trying to lift it and she was a real loud mouth by the way in the uh in the terminal area she was talking real loud on her phone and had those glasses that, you know, just say, I like Starbucks and I shit ice cream. Just wanted to smack her with a short haircut. Anyways, then she's, so she, I'm right behind

her, of course, naturally. This is like God testing me and my patience. She's trying to lift it and it's, it's twice as heavy as her. I think she had her husband or boyfriend chopped up in this fucker. And, uh, you know, I didn't jump in right away because i did there was a few years ago i went to help a girl uh a younger girl with her uh bag and she went i can do it in this cunty tone that just was i'm like i'm never ever stepping in again but that was a few years back so this woman's really and she just i'm standing there now i can feel people kind of browbeating me because i'm the closest guy to her god forbid the gay flight attendant uh you know mikey stepped in he's like watching me waiting for so finally you know i'm not jumping in because you know i was i've been

told for the last 40 years, a woman can do anything I can do, so, so prove it, lift that thing, sweetie, lift it, I just wanted to go, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'll help you lift it, if you look me in the eye, go, I can't do it, because I'm a chick, let me hear you say it, I can't do it, and I need a man's help. Say it. Say it. I watched her struggle for about a minute until I saw like three blood vessels popping in her eyes, and then I jumped in out of anger, and I literally went, give me that. I almost elbowed her in the face. But then I lift her bag up, right, and there's no room in the compartment.

It's packed it's like i'm trying to push a baby casket into a two inch space and now i'm struggling with her bag the people behind me you know waiting to to board the plane can't see her because she's so short and uh they think it's me now they think i'm the asshole who has overpacked and can't get it into the overhead and by the way i saw this and i see this almost every flight this happens and again not to pick on you ladies but it's always a chick who's overpacked come on us guys don't do that shit i mean it's oh so now the whole line's looking at me like i'm the dick you know and i just i said oh you figure it out and I left it with a handle

sticking out like a foot because I could feel I get very self-conscious I know that's funny for somebody who makes a living telling jokes in front of strangers but I do I hate it I hate even boarding the plane when people are already seated I don't know what that is self-conscious just whatever but uh I just go oh you figure it out and she literally rolled her eyes instead of going thank you fucking rolled her eyes at me selfish motherless titless wonder oh so um but i laughed because um you know i went down to my seat third row from the back and then i watched her as everybody put this shit up and flight attendant at the end said,

whose is this? And they had to check it. For some reason, I got pleasure out of that. Yes, I'm a horrible person, but so is she. And quit packing so much shit. Jesus Christ. You're not moving permanently i am taking you know so uh yeah that uh but i got some you know so i told that story on stage and act me

and it murdered so i have to listen and that's going to turn into a bit because it was many between the phoenix bit you know the lady with a hand cream and and uh the phoenix bit you know the lady with a hand cream and and uh the um beef jerky guy and all the other shit the guy in front of me seat reclining i know we all imagine that but honest to god on this flight on uh the guys the guy in front of me the spring must have broken the seat must have been all i've been in beach chairs that didn't fucking go back this far. I mean, his head was like almost in my lap. I'm looking down like we're a couple of gay guys on a picnic laying on a blanket. I'm looking in his eyes lovingly.

Jesus Christ. Of course, he had to put it back before the plane even took off. I got to get spinal meningitis face in front of me. Sit up straight, bitch. But I just and that's why i can't that and the asshole you know behavior that you confront i i just i got no patience for it less so than most people to the point where i could use a shrink you know i really i i and that's why uh you people that keep on Twitter going,

why don't you come out to California? Because I'm not going to fly. I can't. It's no good. It's no good. Nothing we can do. He's gone. He's gone.

Yeah, so mother of Christ. Other than that, though. Yeah, so four out of five shows sold out, which means bonus money. See, that's what five shows sold out, which means bonus money. See, that's what they do. They put it in some contracts. And unless you're like Louis or Gant, you're making millions before you even step into the arena. But clubs do that.

You know, if you sell out this many shows, and a lot of the clubs will go, they'll only put it on the shows where they know they're not going to sell out. It's very difficult like a thursday night or a sunday and they won't do it for like the first show on friday or saturday they won't give you a a bonus structure for those shows because they know it's going to be close to packed if not sold out but this guy lewis the guy that runs acme and i guess louis ck was singing his praises on on fallon just this past week but he really is the most generous and he comes back in the green room and he's got a little bit of a you know that broken accent a little bit of that Asian and and and just yeah so you know I get all four shows on the weekend he allowed bonus. He couldn't be more generous.

And so he's back in the green room and watching me rip open, cut open DVDs and CDs. You know, that shrink wrap. I have like a knife I took from the hotel that I found in the men's room after stabbing there. It's kind of like a lot of Section 8 people living on my floor in that hotel. Slash whatever it was. But anyways. Yeah. So, and the people bought up the merchandise.

But I can't do it. I'll do it on certain occasions. Once a year. But I can't. I just. Something. Something weird about it. but I can't. I just, something weird about it that I don't like.

So yeah, great weekend. And, oh, one girl. Remember I've been bragging how when I go to Acme, I've never told anybody to shut off their cell phone? Girl's cell phone went off, and I think it was like

for a show, second show Saturday night. I asked her to please hang it up. And I go, please hang up the phone. And then she shuts it and she goes, I don't know if I mentioned this on the last episode. They always say this. The girls always go, I was checking in on my kids. And I always come back with like, I haven't heard that a thousand times.

Well, maybe you should be home with your fucking kids so the rest of us don't get mugged by him when he grows up or her. And yeah, it pissed me off. But again, she was nice about it because if you say that in New York, you'll go, could you please hang up your phone? The person in the audience will give you the finger

without even looking up and continue to talk on the phone. There's a difference between the Midwest. And then the girl came up after and bought a DVD. And, oh, she said, after I told her to hang up the phone and she said it was my kids and I, you know, said, oh, yeah, go home. Boy, aren't you home with them? Then she said, I was only kidding. It was porn I was watching.

And everybody laughed. And I go, she eased the tension. And I said, now I have more respect for you. I can understand you looking at porn during my show, but fuck your kids. Get your priorities straight. So, uh, yeah. And she ended up being nice and, and, and coming back and buying stuff. And it was pretty cool.

Last time I talked, I think I was heading to the uh urologist from robin to have uh my prostate checked and uh it was a new doctor and that's what i said to him i don't want to become the i don't want to become the town pump in this medical building i was had another doctor the finger of the finger in my ass back in December. Becoming a little slut here. But urologist, and he was funny. He actually had a good sense of humor. And first of all, you know, he lays me on my back, and he does a, what do you call it?

What do you call it? Not the sonar, the stuff, you know, when they check a pregnant woman for a baby. Ultrasound, whatever. And he's doing that, like, you know when they check a pregnant woman for a baby ultrasound whatever and he's doing that like you know right above my underwear line like my pubes and whatnot which was fine and uh and he can see everything at that point i'm guessing because everything looks good so i'm like yeah i'm out of this you know i'm ready to reach for my coat and he's like i need you to uh pull down your pants and assume the position and that's the word he used again with it it's just as awkward for them as it is for me i understand that but i thought with the you know ultrasound or whatever he just saw everything he needed to see

and then uh no no no out of order i'm he did the ultrasound, then I had to stand in front of him, and he pulls down my underwear, he asked me to pull him down, he goes, pull down your drawers, so I pulled down my jeans, and I'm like, I didn't know, because I thought he was gonna do the ultrasound thing again, maybe, without, so I didn't pull down my underwear yeah i feel like a girl on a first date and then should i fuck this guy and shouldn't i and uh so you got so so i pulled down my you know my jeans and i'm standing he's like sitting on a stool so his face is like belly button high with me and then he just as he's talking to me about comedy and at least some doctors that's why this guy you can tell

he's done it a lot a long time he had great bedside manners because nothing's worse when your doctor's eyes have pulled on your pant and and there's silence then it's like is he drooling and smiling down there but this guy kept talking about we were talking about uh comedy or whatever whatever the hell if that makes it any better a grown man and he starts grabbing my balls and then he goes oh you have a hernia which i have i have a hernia over my you know right above my dick stem which i actually have two but that one's more pronounced i guess and i go i know i was diagnosed with that i when i was back living back in like Queens in 2000. And he goes, well, if it doesn't bother you, you don't have to get it cut or whatever.

So, which sometimes it does. I don't know. But isn't that dangerous? Isn't like my guts going to spill out of that hole someday? I don't know. So I found out I had that. But as far as everything, he goes, no. He goes, as far as the ultrasound, everything looks fine, which makes you feel, ugh. You're like, I was hoping you'd find something.

Now I just get fingered in the ass for nothing. God damn it. But it's so, I don't know. You never get used to that as a guy. It actually threw me off because I had more questions about how come I when I pee the stream isn't that strong you know and um I can't even remember asking that he just said everything looks fine he goes what did you come here to get finger popped no he said everything looks fine and I was like that's all I wanted to hear. I was so, just to break the tension, I grabbed my pants and wanted to get the hell out of it.

But I originally wanted to ask him about Flomax. Because a comedian friend of mine in his late 70s suggested it. And I didn't even ask him about it. That was the original reason I went to my primary care physician. To try Flomax. Maybe I'll just drink like six or seven beers. Then you piss like a racehorse no matter what kind of prostate you have, don't you? Sure you do. You've all watched the Preakness. Sound effects. So that's it. Anyways, politically, the politics, as we call this segment.

Don't worry. It's not going to get too heavy. Bunch of whining bitches. Not all of you. It's just a small segment. But I read the paper today, and apparently Hillary yesterday said she was going to run, which was a big surprise. She ought to run.

Run to a salad bar. Fucking try some vegetables. Ankles like a Clydesdale. Face like a pig. So she declared, I guess. I think we have audio of her declaring that she's going to run for president somewhere here. But, uh...

Yeah. Well, congratulations. Yay. Right there, she declared me so uh i love it so are we pretending the whole email thing is behind her or whatever because i'm watching the mainstream media and nobody's jumping on her oh congratulations she did it through twitter i guess actually she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. She's yesterday's news. So de Blasio, who helped, who Hillary helped when he was running for mayor of New York, right? The Clintons, both of them helped his political career.

And he actually worked for them, I think. And so de Blasio, comrade de Blasio, was on meet the press or whatever and didn't wouldn't even endorse her officially it's the only thing he's done that i like but that's because this this chuch thinks he's gonna run someday but uh in other words she's not far enough left for him that's just making me laugh they always talk about the Republicans having problems with the, you know, the extreme right and mainstream Republicans and rhinos all fighting. How about on the left? Hillary's not even considered a liberal to them. She's too hawkish.

And she can't. I mean, she's fucked. I told you. I've been predicting she wouldn't run. So I underestimated her arrogance. But, oh, she's going. I still, I told you, I've been predicting she wouldn't run. So I underestimated her arrogance. But, oh, she's going to run all right. But she's in a weird, she's kind of in a weird position, you know, because she can't badmouth Wall Street, which is what the left wants, right?

It's one of the reasons they're not crazy about her, but she has Wall Street ties. So she can't come out and do it like Elizabeth Warren's doing a bash Wall Street, right? And then she can't really shit on Obama because she was Secretary of State. And look at her foreign policy. Obama is a mess.

So she's got her fingerprints all over that. I don't know how she's going to even get any traction. I've got to be honest with you. It'll be kind of fun to watch. You know what I'm saying, man? So she's in a van driving. She doesn't live far from here. In the same neck of the woods up here, northern Westchester. She's in Chappaqua. But apparently, I think she left today,

yesterday, last night in a van for Iowa. That was her idea. And they showed a picture of her at a gas station in Pennsylvania, pretending to talk to some working class people. She really wanted 12 Twix bars and a bag of white cheddar popcorn. So, all right, Hillary. You threw your hat into the ring. Congratulations. And a lot of political, a lot of shit. Rand Paul, I think, since the last time I talked to you. He's in.

I don't think he was in before I left. Maybe. I can't. We haven't talked about him. I know that. But, of course, already starting with him. Is he too mean when he's interviewed? Does he treat the female journalists, is he more mean to them than he is to men imagine

it's already starting that type of horseshit and uh he had a little go-round last week with uh samantha guthrie what is it what's her name savannah i don't know if Savannah Guthrie. And yeah, he torrented her a little bit. And the minute I saw that question, well, let's listen to that clip. You have had views in the past on foreign policy that are somewhat unorthodox, but you seem to have changed over the years. You once said Iran was not a threat. Now you say it is. You once proposed ending foreign aid to Israel. You now support it, at least for the time being. And you once offered to drastically cut defense spending and now you want to increase it 16 percent. So I just wonder if you've mellowed out. Leah, let me explain instead of talking over me, okay? Before we go through a litany of things you say I've changed on, why don't you ask me a question?

Have I changed my opinion? Have you changed your opinion? That would be sort of a better way to approach an interview. Okay. No, no. Is Iran still not a threat? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen.

I love it. You've editorialized. Let me answer a question. You ask a question and you say, have your views changed instead of editorializing and saying my views have changed. Exactly. God, was that liberating to hear somebody call that fucking horseshit for once. And look, I know both sides do it, but both sides don't control most of the media.

That was so fucking refreshing, wasn't it? Going, shut your yap, quit editorializing and let me answer. God, that was refreshing and sure enough and you know there's a couple clips of him with female he told another one to be quiet or whatever and uh but you hear her talking over him and how how forceful she gets and just ready to rip him a new asshole and i love that he stepped up and then the questions come out you know if is he mean to whip you know so i sent them a small donation this weekend as soon as i heard that if he headbutts one of these barrages he's getting 350 dollars but um kidding obviously but uh it was refreshing

wasn't it and i'm saying all politicians should do that. If somebody's, you know, trying to editorialize in their question. On either side, go, shut up. I see what you're doing. That's what we need. How can't you like that? I don't care how you vote. But right away, right away, because that's where we are. That's the zeitgeist in this country.

He's sexist. He's misogynist. But did you hear how aggressive she was at her questioning as opposed to when she interviewed President Obama on Super Bowl Sunday? Remember the hard line of questioning that she gave him? Quick game of either or while we're having this beer. Football or basketball? Offense or defense? Wings or chips or guac?

Wings or chicks or... Wings or guac. Oh! Chips or whatever. And with some hard hitting. Notice a little difference in tone. And yeah, she asked a few good questions i'm sure i'm the president but see how excited they get when they get somebody a so-called well he's a libertarian not a conservative but uh god was that refreshing for him to say that shut your

yap and growing up a lip will you she's cute but she's missing her upper lip which is the first thing i look for on a woman is an upper lip and a lower lip i don't like those people that smile i can see and see scramble eggs they had three weeks ago up in their gums kind of a mr ed look what are you gonna do but uh you know be thorough with everybody savannah i'm calling you Samantha just out of disrespect. And who else? Oh, today, Marco Rubio, who I like. He kind of pussied out with the immigration thing, but he seems wise beyond his years. He's a young fella. And, you know, parents from Cuba. He's got the whole immigrant thing going on.

It's his big thing. But he knows his policy and he's well-spoken. And somebody taught him how to use a water bottle during an interview. So I think he's past that. But he's announced

of Cuban descent. So he's got the whole American dream. And he's got the whole, the whole, you know, American dream and he's living it. People have, they actually asked him about it. First they explained, you know, explained, he explained how,

how you become successful, start off with nothing as a, you know, of a child of Cuban immigrants and this is what he said. That's not going to work. This country, you've got to make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman.

That's why you've got to make your own moves. So that's what he's doing. He's making his own moves. Still got a little bit of a Cuban accent, which is weird. He grew up here, but maybe he learned it from his parents. And so he's announcing.

Apparently he's got a lot of Mitt Romney's friends. They're big, they're allies of Rubio and they're helping him out. Do you know he was baptized in a Mormon church? I think he was born in Vegas or grew up for the first few years of his life in Vegas. I think he was, and they said he was baptized at a Mormon church. But anyways, apparently Romney's power structure, they're fans of Rubio and help him out.

That's kind of interesting. Here he explains his take on, they asked him about Obama's love of big government and you know his parents grew up in Cuba and they asked him about that and this is what he had to say how'd you like they tell you all the time what to do what to think think, what to feel. Do you want to be like a cheap? Like all those other people, man? Bah! Bah! I don't have to listen to this bullshit.

Do you want to work eight, ten fucking hours? Do you own nothing? Do you got nothing? Do you want a chivado on every corner, man, looking after you, watching everything you do, everything you say, man? The guy that said, I don't have to listen to this bullshit, that was Chuck Todd from Meet the Press, I think. And then they asked him, I think, about how he felt. They asked Rubio how he feels about the Obama administration and Obama himself.

All I have in this world is my balls and my word, i don't break them for no one do you understand that piece of shit up there i never like him i never trust him for all i know he had me set up and had my friend angel fernandez killed but that's history i hear he's not do you want to go on with me to say it you. You don't? Then you make a move. Oh, okay. He's either talking to the voters of this country, or he was maybe talking about Jeb Bush. I guess some tension has grown between them. God bless Scarface.

Anytime I need a Cuban reference, that's where I go. So that's a lot of big news. Rubio, Rand Paul, Hillary. All within the last week. It's going to be fun, ain't it? I think it's going to be terrific. Yeah. Remember, don't be mean to those female reporters. that's what's so evil about that whole oh sexist misogynist

you know you can't have your cake and eat it too hillary well you can actually you can have four pieces of cake i don't like that bro you know You know what I'm saying, Theo? Again, Quinn, Colin Quinn had the best line about it. She's about as sincere as a lap dance. I want to hear more about the server in her house and the emails that are missing, don't you? I'd like to hear more. Liar! Liar!

Liar! Goddamn right. What else is going on in the world, kiddos? Kiddos. Oh, the Air Force. There's a good article I found today called Pentagon Deploys May I Kiss You Training. More social engineering. Again, and this is issued by the Pentagon. Just fucking what's going on an issue that could dramatically affect the mission of the united

states armed forces is telling soldiers when it's okay to kiss a girl this is the world's on fucking fire and this is what they're doing at the pentagon because of the big scandal remember the air force scandal and tons of girls saying they were sexually assaulted and bop, bop, bop, and you had the tail hook thing a few years ago. The Air Force is the latest branch to employ the services of Mike Dormitrods. Dormitrods. A speaker and author known for his May I Kiss You training session to teach service members about consent and sexual assault prevention

you know you really want to because it's a i guess it's a big problem um pregnancy in the military is a big problem uh sexual assault rape you know how you eliminate all that yeah make it an all-male force oh boy how how horribly traditional. What a stupid idea. I know, but I'm just saying. I think all these problems are proof that it doesn't work. This would have happened 60 years ago or 60 years from now.

That's what guys and girls do. You know? Yeah, but no, don't give me that shit. Guys are more violent and better soldiers and stronger physically. That's all I need to know, okay? I don't give a shit.

That's why I had to lower the standards, you know? You have to do, like, now, three, three and a half push-ups, I think, and four pull-ups to get in

when it used to be 15 and 20. But I know, I know. Out of equality, I know, I know. Out of equality, I know. I know. Anyways, how do you say

the guy's name? Dormer, it's some of the, I don't know. On Thursday, the Air Force awarded this guy $10,000

for three training sessions. Dormitory 60, 90 minute sessions offer a unique combination of humor and dramatic storytelling each may i kiss you session covers three major areas asking before a person engages in intimacy with their partner i wonder if this applies to like gay guys and gay girls in the military when they're out with their date um how to intervene if they see alcohol used used to facilitate sexual assault a soldier put down that she doesn't need another

beer mind your business sarge fuck you and um how to support a survivor should they confide in the audience member that they have been affected by sexual assault. Can you imagine? So there's a whole thing online. I was going to play the audio, but the guy was so unfunny, this guy that's making all this money doing this. It was just, he was trying to be funny, but it was horrible. His first name's Mike Dormiturz. I don't know, D-O-M-Ii-t-r-z if you want to look it

up but he seems to be making a killing like it says he makes three hundred thousand dollars a year or more doing this i'm sure some of it has to go to whatever he it's all based on uh a one man show he did after his sister was raped right there i'm questioning his ethic yeah my sister was raped let me do a one-man show about it. But, you know, it's a way to spread the word. I understand. I understand. I'm just saying.

Guys don't know when, really. Let me ask you, what do you do? You're on a first date or whatever. When do you, do you just kiss her? That's what the whole thing's about. They do a little play acting of a guy on a date. This is what he does. And he asks,

the room in this clip is filled with Marines and he goes, what do you do? Do you just kiss her or do you ask first or do you just go for it? And of course,

all of the Marines, the military guys, you just go for it. You know what? I've actually asked this question. I asked it to my wife a few years ago. And she goes to me, you don't ask first.

You know, she's coming out from a woman. She goes, you just kiss. Girls just like to be kissed out of the blue. I don't mean like you see a chick at the mall and you run up the escalator and get her a headlock and start trying to make out with her. I mean, if you're on a date and you've already bought her the lobster and the Fuddruckers, do you get to? You know what I mean? But I'm just saying, there's more important shit for the Air Force

to be learning about as the world burns, for fuck's sake. It's just so emasculating. Once again, it just implies that men are predators and it's just so much fucking horseshit. It's almost as emasculating. It reminds me of the commercials for viagra and all that

shit or cialis and they go ask your doctor if you're healthy enough to have sex could that make us any more bigger fucking pussies as a gender you want to fuck your wife and i gotta call dr goldberg hi doc yeah yeah man you got the sniffles and a slight fever. Can I still finger pop the Wi-Fi? I don't know. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to shit myself right in the middle of it. Am I healthy enough? My cholesterol is, my triglycerides are through the roof, but I'm horny as hell. What do I do? How fucking, can you imagine calling something, calling somebody, your doctor, and asking if you're healthy enough to fuck oh my god you can't make the shit up yeah the the date safe project that's his foundation or his company or whatever will

receive 10 grand for the air force contract including 7500 for a standard day of training and 2500 for two additional sessions if each session lasts 90 minutes a standard day of training and $2,500 for two additional sessions. If each session lasts 90 minutes or a total of four and a half hours, the Air Force will be paying roughly $2,222.22 an hour. Deuces are wild. Wow. Dormitores, I don't know how you say his last name, earns roughly $325,000 from the military per year.

A video on the company's website provides a glimpse into a training session at 29 Palms, the home of the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training Command. But that's the whole thing. The date's going well, and do you ask your partner if you can kiss her or him or do you just do it wow huh that makes it fun doesn't it that's not taking spontaneity out of life is it because that's what that's what social engineering does and people think they know fucking better yes and i understand that a lot of the military's filled with a lot of people who don't, you know,

you know, rough areas of the country and might not have the best, but I think it's pretty universal now, you know, that if you kiss the girl without her giving you permission, I don't think that grounds for a lawsuit that should be even thrown in the assault category.

Do you? Can't we just leave it up? These are men and women supposedly grown up enough to protect our country. Can't they make that decision on their own? You know?

It's a weird one. I admit it. You know, you're on the first date and you don't know, you know, the girl's looking at you, you're looking at, oh, you met in a nightclub,

you know, you're staring at a girl and you think she's staring back then you finally meet her. And it reminds me of a clip from a famous movie from a guy that used to be, well, he used to be heterosexual. Look, would you, uh, would you mind just going away, okay?

What? Don't be hurt, but I... Don't be hurt? Yeah, I want to be by myself now, you know? I seen it 2,000 years ago. Yeah, so, so? Well, I mean, you was looking at me, and I was looking at you, remember? What is this?

I look at a guy longer than a millionth of a second, already he gets delusions of grandeur. You know what you are? I'm going to tell you what you are. I bet it begins with a C, Mr. P. Oh, fine, fine. That's, uh, I know the type. I know the type.

Fine. I know the type. I know the type. That's some of the best acting Travolta ever did, pretending he liked women in that scene. Huh? He was very convincing. I know the type. I know the type.

No, you don't. Stephanie, you fucking cunt. I can walk you home. I'd just say you go in for the kiss. You know? I admit, it's a tough decision, but that's what rupees are for. Oh! Get the fuck out of here.

Delusions of grandeur. I can walk you home so girls admit it i think you like i think you like it right when the guy at that moment on that first date at the end you know walks you to your front door or whatever and there's a lot of tension you're really gonna hold it against him? If he tries to kiss you? I mean, that doesn't lead to rape all the time. I don't know. According to my wife, I should rather be, and I'm not trying to make her out to be some type of floozy, but she'd rather just be kissed than that. I've actually done that. I got to throw myself in the chicken shit category. When I was single a couple of times, I actually asked,

maybe I was ahead of my time. Why the hell did I do that? I've never been that much of it, but I did it a couple of times. Most of the times I just, you know, did the old, okay, you give me a peck on the cheek. And when she went to give me a peck on the cheek and when she went to give me a peck on the cheek I stuck my tongue up their nose or in their eye actually aiming for their mouth sure we've all been there but my point being the pentagon don't you have better shit for our military to be learning as we're being cyber attacked and fucking the middle east burns you really give a shit if uh bubba finger pops never mind just uh more social engineering it really is sad you know it goes right along with the college

campus rules that we have now that we talked about a few episodes ago with the guy and girl on the date you know they have to like bring a lawyer with them when they're on a date and actually sign papers. Do I have a right to enter your ass 90 minutes into the date? Why, sure. Sign here, Sandra.

It's really taken the, taken, it really is. Again, it's about how, you know, the far left sees it, male domination and the whole patriarchal fucking horseshit. That's all it's about and quit telling kids sex is dangerous it's risky behavior without a rubber that's all exaggerated

though total poopoo peepee what else what else ladies and gentlemen what else is going on um david letteman is packing his final 28 shows with a who's who of hollywood names and favorites leading up to his may 20th swans when did he announce that it shows you how much i follow my business i don't know it was May 20th. But CBS announced Monday that his guests will include Bill Murray. Of course, he was the first guest on Letterman ever. When I used to watch it in the mornings on NBC. That's right, folks. I was in college when it came out. I don't know, 82 or 83.

And I would skip sociology every time. Professor Dick Fenn, that was the professor. And I used to skip it to watch Letterman. I should have known back then, huh, that I wanted to do comedy. Why did I take those fucking farces of jobs when I first got out? So Bill Murray, George Clooney, Steve Martin, Jerry Seinfeld, Robert Downey Jr., Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks, Scarlett Johansson. How does she get in there? A bunch of legends and then, I mean, I like Scarlett. I'll do respect. Sarah Jessica Parker. How the hell did she break the

lineup? Listen, I'm naming off all these Hall of Fame entertainers, Sarah Jessica Parker. God, if you want to see her, I'll just open the post to page six. Every three fucking minutes is a picture of her. There's her walking her kids. There's her pissing behind a mailbox. There's her making soup in the fucking ladies room at the Madison Square Garden. There's her scaring kids. Don Rickles, Julia Roberts, Ray Romano, Howard Stern, Oprah Winfrey. Those are some big ass name. Now you're talking. Can you imagine Stern and Winfrey, the money? Martin Short, John Travolta. Oops. Made fun of him earlier on the show. Michael J. Fox and Alec Baldwin. I got to be honest, Scarlett and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I'm sorry. No offense, ladies, but how the hell did you break that lineup? Sarah probably has a show coming out on CBS called Yenta and Friends. Some shit. The biggest, the one out of all those people i just named and i love bill murray obviously and and jerry's always funny on let him in because he's always got a battle of i don't know a little bit of egos there uh maybe i'm reading into that but don rickles still even now you know that he's got one foot in the grave still more entertaining when he goes on these shows because he does stuff.

He's doing jokes and material that, again, the people in the audience, you know. Rickles is close to 90. He's been doing this act for 60 years or whatever or more, and he still does the politically incorrect stuff, and the audiences at Letterman don't know what to make of him. Because they're young tourists that come a lot of times. You don't have to be young.

You can be in your 40s and be scared of some of his shit. But he just, he's the best when he's a guest on a talk show. I was watching it a few years ago. I might have mentioned this. I'm watching Letterman. This is probably going on 12 years ago, few years ago i'm going to mention this i'm watching letterman uh this is probably going on 12 years ago 15 years ago and they put a no not even that doesn't matter they put a couple cameras in a hotel lobby next to letterman studio and um there were these two black older women

at the bar and they had like a speaker in there and rickles was you know in the studio at letterman and they were talking to the women. So the women were looking around. They could hear where it was coming from, and they're hearing these voices, and they're looking around and just minding their business and having a nice drink,

and they couldn't tell where the voice was coming from, and then Rickles goes, and they wonder why they can't get work, and even I am on the couch going holy shit what the hell let him in you could see let him in turn like red his face right on national tv you could see like red filling up he's like oh for crying out loud Don you know Rickles is laughing hi ladies he had a couple more zingers for him. Oh, my God. I mean, he was very sweet to him after that. But it reminded me because I have one of my birthday gifts.

I asked for the Dean Martin roast. And I was watching probably a couple weeks ago. And I watched the one where they roasted Sammy Davis. So here's Rickles doing the jokes that I was just mentioning that you'd probably be arrested for today and could never do on television or whatever. But it just shows how much funnier everybody was back then. And remember, All in the Family was probably the number one show

at this time, and The Jeffersons was probably number two, and at least we could joke about it back then. But here's Rickles on the Dean Martin roast, again, back in the 70s, I believe, late 70s, roasting Sammy Davis Jr., who obviously he was close friends with. But listen to some of the stuff you could never get away with. I laugh at the blacks, the whites, the purples, mostly the blacks.

Remember the words of George Foreman who said after the Muhammad Ali fight, was I down? Let me taste that, Sam. To the black people, remember the words of a great Negro, Johnson Jones, who said in Biloxi, Mississippi, on a Saturday night, If the white man and the Negro can work in harmony, the people know that the white folk and the man is harmony with love. Made no sense whatsoever. The man is now in a state hospital We laugh Why do we laugh?

Because we must laugh That's right Look who became the priest became the priest. No, you're Catholic and I'm a Jew and Sammy, you're black. I'm sorry. Remember the words

of a great Negro. I say that honestly. All peoples are alike. We are all working. You live in my neighborhood. I live in yours. Right, Sam? Right. Are you crazy? That doesn't matter. Imagine trying to do that today.

Holy moly. And it's sad because I'll say it again because that releases tension. Silence causes tension, no matter what the topic. You know, you get in a fight, you and your wife or your girlfriend or boyfriend, and you clam up, the tension just builds. It's the same thing with black and white, whatever. And, of course, who else was on that day?

It was Wilt Chamberlain and Freddie Prinze. So there's all kinds of cracks going on. But Rickles, when he's on Letterman. Last time I saw him, man, I got worried, though. He really does not look healthy. But imagine still doing it. Crazy. So Letterman's wrapping it up yeah May 20

I guess and got to do it a couple times and definitely influence you guys should google David Letterman on the Mike Douglas show. I don't know. I'm guessing there'll be clips

there, although that's the late 70s. Yeah, I'm sure because they, but that's where I first saw Letterman doing stand-up and stuff. And I got to do the show a couple times and was going to do it another, was going to do it another day. Was going to do it like last year.

They asked to see some stuff. But I just don't. I don't know. Everything is. Well, just what I was talking about. My stuff is just too. Everything's just a little too racy for CBS. When I went to.

Joe List did it. My old buddy there. When I went to, Joe List did it, my old buddy there. When he did his, it was around a year ago, wasn't it? Eight months ago, 10 months, I don't know when he did it,

but I went with him when he did his first Letterman and Bill Shep, the guy that works there, he's been there for years. He introduced me to the girl who's in charge of the stand-ups or whatever

and we started to chat and right away she goes, and I mentioned this probably on previous podcasts, you can't do stuff, there's no, like, cancer jokes or homeless stuff. So I'm guessing Bill Sheff had mentioned to her that I mentioned I wanted to do the show again, and she probably Googled, you know, or whatever, went online, obviously, and heard some of my stuff on my cd whatever

obviously what i do in a club or any comic does in a club is different than what you do on tv but i just and then i talked to a few people who done it recently and how much they fucked with their sets and it was just it was like ah now it's too late i mean look at the names they have i'm guessing if they're gonna do any stands up i mean I mean, well, you got Seinfeld, obviously, but Gaffigan's done it a million times. He should be thrown into the mix for these final shows, in my opinion. And Brian Regan's done it a thousand times. And even, I think, young Tommy Johnigan, who's a funny dude.

But the Rickles, out of all those big names Don Rickles will still be the funniest musical guests Elvis Costello Dave Matthews band Mumford and Sons Nora Jones Amos Lee

what the hell is that Tracy Chapman what Tracy Chapman who was big in the fucking 80s oh god What the hell's that? Tracy Chapman. What? Tracy Chapman? Who was big in the fucking 80s? Oh, God. I'm not even going to say it.

I'm not even going to say it. You can think it. Remember her car? Her big hit was, I don't know, something about a car. Driving in a car and whatever. But Dave, well done. Well done, Dave. Never forget, I'm watching that morning show.

One of the shows, they had a couple on, some old couple. It was like their 75th wedding anniversary. They were literally like 100. Oh, Christ, during their late 90s, whatever. And they were celebrating that. This is when David was on NBC in the mornings. And at the end of the show, they're all waving, and all these balloons came down to celebrate. The old sparklers and fireworks went off,

and a fire actually started in the studio. Old people just standing there. There's like flames behind them. They had no idea. What the hell else, folks? Sports-wise. Let's wrap it up with that. The Masters.

Yes, I'm to that point in my life I can actually watch golf and enjoy it. Told you I have a niece at Dayton who plays golf and shoots in the 70s on a regular basis. Unbelievable. My brother's a pretty good golfer. That's his daughter. And anyways, Jordan Spieth from Dallas, Texas.

Kid's 21 years old. He's played eight rounds in the Masters and has shot par or better. No one's ever done that, I don't think. So anyways, he won the Masters by 18 shots. Last time that was done was Tiger Woods. 1997. This guy went wire to wire.

In other words, from the first day to the last day, he was in first place. Last time that happened was 39 years ago, 1976. I think they said Ray Floyd. I might be wrong there. But can you imagine that? Wire to wire. Never fell behind. How hard that is to do in golf. 21 years old. Think he's going to get any ass? My own. But once again,

Tiger Woods was in there, and he's just a regular, he's just another golfer now. I mean, I don't know when the people, the broadcast, the networks, when they're just going to admit that and quit quit being obsessed with him it's unbelievable he never made he even came close to you know making a charge to first place and and and they just obsessed talking about his swing and is just obsessed. And I know at one point he was unbelievable, but he's not anymore.

And these young guns coming up, give them some ink, put the camera on them. There'll be guys, four or five guys ahead of him on the leaderboard, and they're showing all his shots and talking about him. It's unbelievable. I thought I was imagining that, and, you know, I brought it up to my brother, and he goes i think you're right my brother you know watches a lot of this shit it's kind of it really is and then uh tiger was hitting a uh shot out of the woods and hit like a tree root and um you know started shaking his hand the guy's always getting hurt now, because he's off the juice, that's, I'm just joking there, but,

part of me believes that, but he starts, so then they ask him after, it was, I don't know, in the knife hole or whatever, they ask him, and he goes,

yeah, I popped a bone out of my wrist, popped it, I put it back in, which, that's not even, I don't think that's, maybe a hand, but, your wrist, I don't, I don't think that's, maybe a hand, but your wrist?

I don't believe that, sorry. What are you, a fucking Rambo? But, yeah, how about this kid, Spieth? Mother of God. Wire to wire. Guy had, kid's got like ice water in his veins no emotions whatsoever i could never play that game never my brother even told me not to even attempt it just i'd be winging clubs and and oh my christ i can't even imagine because you see guys that

are the best in the world at it and all of sudden, they'll hit a shot like a retarded 12-year-old. It'll land, you know, 40 feet behind the galley. I mean, even Spieth hit a couple of duds. You're like, holy Christ, how hard is this game? Even Tiger, you know,

you're like the guy that mastered it at one point. Now I think I could beat him. But Christ, what a future this kid's got ahead of him. Baseball. Baseball, Yankee Sox over the weekend while I was in Minneapolis. Sox took the first two of three. And then last night on national TV, they embarrassed themselves.

Clay Bulkholz, supposed to be our number one, got bitch slapped by the Yankees, who stink, by the way. The bats didn't come alive. Well, they did last night, but Bulkholz had nothing. And 14-4, I think the final was. Very depressing. Last night. But. Bocos had nothing. And. 14 to 4. I think the final was. Very depressing. Just very depressing.

And. I'll tell you who looks good at the plate. You might not want to hear it. Yankees fans. But your boy A-Rod. It's kind of funny. They. They cheered him on opening day.

And it's so weird. Life goes by so fast. Jeter is gone. The beloved Jeter is gone and the uh villain A-Rod is now like the you know fan favorite and um he looks good at the plate he's hitting over 300 and I think he had a bases clearing double last night when the bases loaded hit one into the gap and um yeah Yankee spanked the Sox um oh shit as i speak i just realized it's a home opener for the socks i hope it's recording um against the gnats kind of a fucked up schedule why are

they playing another uh another team from the national league it's only the third series and it's his second interleague game. Interleague series, I should say. But anyways, the Mets, folks. The Mets are legit. I know they took the series against the Nats, and I don't know what they did against Atlanta. I know they won yesterday.

I don't know if they won the series or not. But Atlanta at that point had been undefeated, I believe. The Tigers are undefeated for the first time, you know, in the first six games. And who else? Oh, Kansas City, Royals. They're picking up where they left off last year. I hope you kids are liking the sports.

Anyways, yeah, so PU Red Sox, let's pick it up. How my boy Brock Holt isn't in the lineup. I know we're loaded. The Sox are loaded. Um, they have 19 outfielders. They got this guy, Craig, Alan Craig from the, we got him from the Cardinals after the World Series. I don't see it.

He hasn't hit a lick since we got him last year. He stinks. Get rid of him. We have 12 outfielders. They're talking about maybe moving Shane Victorino, who I love, but it's like a porcelain doll. Every time he farts, he blows out a hamstring. Boston Bruins, P-U.

P-fucking-U. They didn't make the playoffs this year. Do you know how hard that is to do? Do you know how hard it is to do? Do you know how hard it is to not make the playoffs in hockey? I think 32 out of 33 teams, Megan. So yeah, they just lost like the last three games when they had to win. And it just bums me out and uh the new york rangers won the president's trophy best record in hockey and they are they look good man a lot of they get a lot of bc guys there boston college guys um yeah so the playoffs start and again if you're not a hockey fan tune

in for the playoffs you won't believe these guys. They're throwbacks. They actually think it still matters. They play. They pick it up a notch like you wouldn't believe. Like you wouldn't believe. And since I talked to you last, Duke over Wisconsin. And in a sport that I like. Oh, before I get to that, I'll end it with the college hockey.

The Patriots. I understand. Belichick, it doesn't matter. The whole thing is he plugs people in. We always lose players over the offseason. He'll plug people in you never heard of and he'll end up being in the you know in the super bowl of the afc championship game because he's just unbelievable it's about buying into the system i know all that shit is true

and uh but i'm getting nervous even i'm getting nervous since we've won the super bowl in february we've gotten rid of vince will fork. Friggin' Revis is gone. Only the greatest DB in football. Shane Vereen, a versatile running back, gone. Steven Ridley, who I friggin' love. Yes, he had a fumbling problem. He is now a New York Jet. And Brandon Browner,

great defensive back that we got from the Seahawks. He's gone. I understand, you know, but this is making me, we're really gutting the team. Holy Christ. Maybe Belichick has inside information on the Hernandez trial. Maybe he's going to get acquitted and he's coming back. What the fuck?

We're gutting the team. And I know, but, I mean, those are all pros I'm talking about. Hell, I'm a little nervous. But I shouldn't be. In Bill we trust. And finally, college hockey, the Frozen Four, which I love. Again, I went to school, university of maine love college hockey this will even interest you guys who don't like it uh boston university who had a i don't like

11 freshmen on the team last year and they weren't very good they improved by 16 wins this year and was the number one team in the nation most increase in wins they got this uh this kid this freshman jack i don't know how to say his last name i forget eichel i think he's marblehead he's from massachusetts maybe marblehead anyways freshman right led the nation won the hobie bakerwood that's like the heisman for hockey as a freshman anyways it was them against Providence, who never won a national title in hockey. They were always a pretty good program in hockey, but it was Providence against BU. And I think BU was favorite

because they were the number one team. And I think Providence was literally the last team to get into the tournament, okay? But Providence has this goalie who's unbelievable. This guy Gillies. And he's like 6'5". He's like Ken Dryden when Ken Dryden was a young guy. And BU has a goalie named O'Connor.

And I put on the game. I had, again, I was in Minneapolis. Had to, you know, walk over to the club. I saw like the first period. And they kept harping on how O'Connor, BU's goalie, was having trouble handling the puck. And it was a little bit nervous. I thought they were overplaying that. on how O'Connor, BU's goalie, was having trouble handling the puck and was a little bit nervous.

I thought they were overplaying that. And what happened was, the game, I think BU was up by a goal, 3-2. And a guy from Providence shoots one from center right, flips it in, in the air. The goalie catches it and somehow somehow it was in his big trapper glove and somehow it came loose goes between his own legs and in the net and then providence scores a few minutes later to take the national it it it broke my friggin heart i mean it's like

this poor bastard it's like this poor bastard. It's like, I mean, it cost them the national championship. You can argue that. Here's the clip. It was on ESPN of the play. Breezy back, and it goes. O'Connor catches. He'll leave.

Oh, it did. Oh, my God. Matt O'Connor for the second straight game gives the opponent a gimme, and we're tied at three. Wow. Oh, my God. That poor kid. That poor bastard. But the game before, he flubbed one.

He mishandled a puck, like went out to handle it with a stick and threw it in front of his own net and somebody got a cheapie jesus they might have to investigate this kid poor bastard it's like bill buckner i mean it's that bad this poor kid god i mean you gotta feel you gotta feel for the whole season you play. And he's a good goalie, but he really kind of, I'm going to be honest, he kind of choked. I don't know how else to put it.

So that's it. I'll go join you. Anything? Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife i guess i'll have to spread my legs now she says why he asks don't you have a vase trying to cheer up the goalie for bu with that joke uncle junior always comes in hey kids uh good talking to you again and uh see you at marissa's this uh saturday night in uh trumbull connecticut or uh helium in philadelphia at the end of the month the first couple days of may um yeah good day and girls. Talk to you next time. I won't take all that they hand me down

And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town. Cause I'm not like everybody else. guitar solo I'm out.