The Nick DiPaolo Show - 079 - Winging It

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Winging It

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi. Hi. How are you? There's just so much hate in the world, and it's just crazy with all the riots and the racial unrest and terror attacks and attacks on free speech. It makes me sad sometimes. Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! Did you feel that way? Sure you did. Oh, God, help me.

You sure did. Oh, well, love me. You sure did. Oh, if I don't need to be. These are all the emotions I've gone through in the last 24 hours watching the news. Don't you feel that way? Oh, if I don't need to be. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Sounds like Thanksgiving at my sister's house when she had kids.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

I've lost my mind. That only scene that comedy wasn't the way to go. I'm actually looking at all the guys working on my yard and being them. Guy's got a shovel in his hand. Planting some seed for me. My grass was destroyed this winter. Fucking drowned under that snow. Yeah.

Shut up! Shut that fucking kid up! Shut that fucking kid up! Yeah. Oh. That the joke was on me Hi, kids. How you with? What it was? Hey, watch me on Amy Schumer tomorrow night. I better tweet this. Inside Amy Schumer, 10.30, Comedy Central.

I'm not talking about a show. I was actually inside her, and we filmed it. No, no, no, no. Yeah, no, I think it's 10.30. Is that what time the show is? It's the episode, the whole episode is based on 12 Angry Men, which is a tremendous movie back in 1957 i believe lee j cobb and uh henry fonda and jack klugman and a bunch of other

great actors you'll recognize probably i don't know i'm gonna say carl malden too i might be wrong on that one but uh yeah the episode is a spoof on that, and Paul Giamatti's in it, Jeff Goldblum, John Hawks, Vincent Kartheiser from Mad Men, and just funny as all hell, Amy and the writers wrote it, and just brilliantly funny. Shot in black and white. Even if you aren't familiar with 12 angry men you'll still laugh your ass off it's one of the funniest things i've been involved in and i actually got to act and who

would have guessed a sketch called 12 angry men and they found a place for me but god bless schumer threw me right in there right in the mix right in the center of it i don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie but the you you know, it's a jury, and they're, you know, trying to decide, deliberate, and they're yelling at each other. It's 12 angry men, just, and there's one holdout, which was the Lee J. Cobb character,

and I got to play that character. So it's not like I have a line or two. She actually gave me a little bit of red meat on the bone on this one, so thanks, Amy. And the show's funny as hell and uh i talked about it right goblum and giamatti couldn't have been cooler those guys all those guys just uh giamatti i mean fucking who plays angry and funny better than him together that guy a little bit of a genius but uh yeah 10 30 tomorrow night and then come see me saturday night and pompton plain well if you watch amy shoemade you have to come see me if you do both holy christ i mean you're

really you're really a big fan and i owe you something fucking ham sandwich uh pompton plains new jersey uh the comedy shop at the regency hotel which is on Route 23 North. 140 Route 23 North, Palmton Plains. It's actually a good gig. James D. Benedetto, my buddy, does these. And he does a good job of them. You can come out and watch me try new shit, you know, and bomb seven minutes at a time.

Then I'll throw in some proven shit and get ten minutes of laughs. And then I'll throw out some other shit I'm working on that'll kind of work. And it'll be a very uneven set. And I get to lose my temper. It's fun. It's fun. I have like seven Heinekens on the way to the show. You know?

Go over the GW Bridge drunk and texting at the same time. It's a lot of fucking fun. I'm telling you. May 16th, which is a couple Saturdays from now, the Main Street Armory, Rochester, New York. I'm bringing Joe List with me. That's right, bringing Joe List to open. Joe's having a good year, by the way.

Yes, he is. He's, uh... Yes, he is. He's, uh... He did Last Comic Standing. I know he did well there. I can't give away the results. And he just got a half-hour comedy special on Comedy Central,

which is what you really need to kick off your career. Never mind these fucking three-minute sets on TV. You can do 100 of those. But they get to see a nice half hour. So I'm going to bring him up to Rochester. I'm sure he's thrilled. He's got more TV credits than me this year, and he's opening for me. Got a fucking armory, whatever that is.

They keep munitions there? I don't know. Got a fucking armory, whatever that is. You keep munitions there? I don't know. Go ahead, shoot that bitch. Got a messing round with Terrell Suggs up in this motherfucker. Yeah.

And what else? Side splitters, Tampa, June 4th, 5th, and 6th. Yeah. Bobby Jewell, my boy, runs that place. He's a former New Yorker. Played football at Wagner. Said he ran a sub 4-4, which I don't think any white guy has. Maybe 4-4. He looks like he could have been an athlete.

It was a dangerous situation. But, uh, yeah. Anyways, um, it was a dangerous situation but uh yeah anyways um that's it you guys have been great i'll talk to you next week um beautiful day today huh kicking up into the 80s oh there's the wife coming up the as i say that i'm looking out my office window and she's coming up the patio steps carrying a couple umbrellas that i should be carrying right now but i'm the king of my castle as some girl told me to say on twitter if she can't wait for me to get to those goddamn umbrellas and put them up you know sometime around late july that's her fault she's impatient i mean for

christ's sake i'm busy i got a podcast and i have a gig six nights from now. What do you fucking think I am over here? Love the wife. She doesn't sit down for five minutes. I swear to God, she has a meth problem. I just haven't found the lab. She doesn't sit down. I don't know. I don't have, I get Tony Soprano disease. I shy away from anything that takes any effort anymore. Wasn't always like that. But then, you know, I suffered that thing in Nam. What do they call it? Laziness?

Yeah. But she makes me feel guilty. Don't you hate that? You'll be laying on the couch trying to enjoy a ball game, and your fucking wife's on a ladder with a drill, putting up a lamp that you knocked over while celebrating a red sox victory i used to do a bit about how uh i sucked at dating because i couldn't be phony you know i didn't i didn't i could be for the first couple weeks my

friends could fake a whole relationship like somebody once said but uh i couldn't do that i'd you know you know how it is the first couple weeks you're pulling the girl's chair off her opening doors and about six months down the road uh you're sitting in the front seat of her car rifling through her purse looking for her best friend's phone number as she changes a flat tire in the rain that's how i was i couldn't keep up the facade the asshole just leaked through i couldn't fucking couldn't do it that long i used to cost me and my friends a lot of puss too would go out to a bar and shit even back then i couldn't keep my uh trap shut when i saw something political that i disagreed with or something in the news you know it'd be at a bar talking to two fucking hot smoking chicks and one of them would bring up i don't know something that

tipped me off that she was a feminist and i could just fucking i'd go off and say oh bullshit helen ready had a dick i don't want to hear it i'm just trying to give you a time frame of when i was dating helen ready that was a reference from the 70s just saw her on a late night commercial for I'm just trying to give you a time frame of when I was dating Helen Reddy. That was a reference from the 70s. Just saw her on a late night commercial for, you know, hits of the 70s and shit. Jesus Christ, she looked like Chuck Bednarik. I mean, she was obviously a little manly. Even back then, before everybody was coming out, I was like, eh, something about her.

Outline of her nuts in that dress. But, and I guess I i was right because like i said i saw her now she's about 75 and well not the wrong i'm just saying yeah but um what was i talking about i don't even know but in the seat all afternoon trying to get this shit together just but i'd be found if i got paid for this i'd really uh but uh where was i helium in philadelphia and let me tell you thank you for coming out billy they really are that that city has evolved that room was so great man this year this past weekend i should say uh as far as the audience sitting there and listening i was it was actually it reminded me of acme these people uh just they were hanging on every word and uh i had a lot of competition as far as ticket sales because

there was like three different festivals going on in the city you know they blocked the streets and sell your tube socks for seven dollars and a fucking cannoli oh gee where could where could i get those what an exotic fair you have uh and uh what else the pacquiao fight and there was something else going on there were three things and it was pretty damn it was you know it was pretty good the thursday night show was light, which doesn't surprise anybody. But the rest of them were pretty damn close to full. And audiences were great. They just, they listen. They catch the funny shit.

They laugh harder at the smarter stuff, which wasn't always the case. I got to be honest with you. It's a different situation. But, yeah, brought my girl there, Kend there kendrick cunningham she's a funny broad she's from massachusetts and uh i met her at the stress factory she was opening i didn't even ask for her at that point i know who she was and uh she's got smart sassy shit she's like i i've already talked about on this show but uh the philly crowds loved her every time i walked into the room uh she was fucking like rocking the place and i noticed a change in attitude with guys now when a female

comic comes because there are a lot of funny girls and uh a lot of shitty ones too i'd say for you know every funny chick there's about 172 you gotta sit through that suck cheese but uh uh kendra's not one of them she's a funny funny broad and uh she got that boston sarcastic streak and um yeah and she's fun to hang out with because she's like uh my you know my phone rings like at 10 30 on saturday morning hey we're gonna find a place to watch a socks game you're playing the fucking yankees and i need a cheeseburger she kept bugging me she needed she and she eats pizza like i do that's all i need man hanging out you know uh pizza is my heroin whatever it's like fucking all i need somebody with me that feels the same way so i had about uh four to six slices i'd say a couple days i was there and i don't do well.

Did I mention I have a lactose intolerance? I eat a slice of pizza and about, I'd say, six hours later, it's like I'm, you know, I'm having a, what do you call it? What do you call it when the baby falls on a toilet? Oh, Jesus, I'm so punchy i can't even think of the word a miscarriage yeah a couple of slices of pepperoni and it's like i'm aborting triplets and the uh the gluten doesn't do me well either anymore i either i either you know shit my pants after five minutes after eating the pizza or i'm blocked up till february of 2019 but uh i still eat it anyways that's how much i like pizza i go i don't give a shit i don't care if i crap my pants coming on stage tonight there's so much good food in philly you know i mean there's some delicious shit it's a good situation but uh yeah we went to some bar and uh i don't know happy rooster or they fucking

the jubilant cock i can't remember the name of it but uh tremendous food i ordered a cup of new England clam chowder which i'm hesitant i'm in philly i'm like man i don't know what they're doing here it was the best chowder I ever had. It had more clams in it than a fat guy with a cold and a sinus infection. And delicious. There was actually a little Parmesan, hinter Parmesan cheese in it, which I've never had. Tremendous.

And then I had a lobster roll for $23. You know, okay, look, I'm from New England. Even Faneuil hall isn't charged 23 for a lobster roll and if they do they you know they put they put the lobster they give it to you in a shoe box you know i mean but this was uh you know it's just a little hot dog roll and it wasn't exactly but you know what it was so goddamn good i don't know who was in that kitchen it was so friggin good It was worth the 23 bucks. And we made him put the Red Sox game on. And like an idiot, I thought when we walked into the place,

it was called Cavanaugh's. So I go to this woman who works there. She looked like one of the owners. And I go, this food is really good. She goes, well, don't act like, don't act so surprised. I go, well, usually I go into an Irish pub. The food sucks. And the whole bar heard me.

And like four people in unison go, this isn't an Irish pub. But I forgot we didn't go into this place Cavanaugh's, which was our original plan. And I really made an ass of myself. But yeah. Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous. I like Philly. I'm a Philly, uh, I'm a Philly fan of the city of Philadelphia.

Because it's very, reminds me very much of, uh, Boston, you know, and a little New York, all of that. The brothers are, you know, there's a lot of crazy brothers walking around. But that goes for most metropolitan areas if you watch the news i'm not gonna get into i am gonna get into it but i'm not you know how i fucking stand on that we'll get to that in a second i was gonna do a heavy show i pulled a bunch of clips and shit i'm like oh for christ's sake i mean will you just behave please young black guys can you behave so i don't have to talk about you on every fucking podcast? And cops, too.

Even though, in this case, the cops are being fucking railroaded. You can see it a mile away. But, anyway. Yeah. Philly was great. Crowds were good. Let me play. I think I got a little clip.

I'll play a couple minutes of me on stage at Helium. Again, I don't know how the sound's going to be, you know, because you record it. I record it with my iPhone, then I transfer it to my, you know, computer, and then I put it through this program so I can play you a clip, and it might sound like it's in Cass Elliott's ass. A little echo. There's a reference. Jesus, what am I, my late 70s?

Mother of Christ. I might as well have to wake up the helicopters this morning. Talking about the... Fuck, I thought I was on a set of MASH for the first few days I was down there. Yeah, when I got down there, the helicopters, because they were protesting. The minute I get out of my car, there were the protesters coming up the street like they knew.

It was so funny. They were coming right to my hotel, right past my hotel, as I'm handing my bag to the, pulling my car in the valet. And here they come. No, it wasn't big. It wasn't a handful, you know. And just a handful. And there was just uh but there was helicopters for the first two days fucking just circling the city

i want to see cities burned down but you gotta admit that's fucking good tv sitting there in my robe my fourth bowl of popcorn. This is such a fucking tragedy. Hey, we're out of chili, what the fuck are you, margarita mixers? What's the media doing out there at 3 in the morning? Gee, I wonder what Ray Ray, who just got out of the federal pen, eight minutes has to say at 3 in the morning from the corner of Fightinin' Power and Thigh Whitey Abaddon. The guy's in the white speedo with a tattoo of a gorilla on his neck,

calling him a she-guy. I wonder how he feels about the police. His dispatcher's calling me, he's like, This motherfucker's just fucking me up, you know? Funny thing to surprise you, I'm all over the cops. I feel that, uh, I'm feeling like these brothers, but they're brothers are causing some shit, let's be honest.

Why are people fainting all over the country? You can laugh, Philly, what are you, a fucking liberal fan, you say? I'm pointing to a picture on the wall. It's an alien filly. That part's not boring. I tell my wife I'm coming in. She goes, you got to do Philly stuff? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not going to do Philly stuff? Yeah, I'm going to sit on the Liberty Bell with a powdered wig,

eating a cheesesteak, and then wait for the start of the day. Hey, hey, hey, get going. If you couldn't understand it, my wife asked me if I was going to do Philly stuff when I went to Philly. And I said, yeah, I'm going to sit on the Liberty Bell with a powdered wig, eating a cheesesteak and yelling racial slurs. Okay, the audio is not the best, I admit. So I just translated the joke for you. Funny, over two.

Guess that's that. Probably worth the epit. Ha, ha, ha. I guess that's that. Probably worth the effort. But, yeah, anyways. And as far as the Baltimore, a lot has happened since I,

right, since we talked last, I can't even remember when all the shit started. Just all's I friggin know it's the whole the whole protest the the marching all that shit I'm sorry I'm sorry it's a it's a false narrative the statistics if you just look at the statistics and they and they don't fucking lie the cops are not going out of their way to hunt down young black men and shoot them and that's what this is all about as far as the protest goes yes there's going to be some cops in the hood that rough up black but this notion that they're hunting down young black guys and

fucking shoot is bullshit and they're trying to lump in the eric garner thing with the ferguson thing which is also based on a lie with this, which might or might not be based on a lie. The state's attorney, that little hateful broad, Mosby, did you see her? I can't even play the clips. I threw it away. Pulled about eight minutes of her. She was actually, she, you could hear it in her voice, her hatred of cops. And she was getting like blacker because she was in as she was talking she was

going assault she was she was emphasizing the word assault when she's reading the charges and then she comes out and she said the stupidest thing i hear you people in the streets i hear your voices whatever which she can't say that she's supposed to be neutral. She doesn't even know what she does for a living. That's how far we've lowered the standards. Oh, my God. And there's all these conflicts of interest that she took five grand when she was running for state during her campaign. She took five grand from the she got she got five grand from the attorney of Freddie Gray's family's attorney, gave her five grand. She's married to a city councilman, and then her making that statement there. And she came back with all these charges a month before people were expecting her to.

She's just trying to appease the angry idiots in the frigging street anyways. So you know where I frigging stand. And whatever. But there's not a national movement because the statistics don't prove. Over 300 white guys were killed by cops last year as opposed to 130 black guys. So there goes your whole theory right there.

Not to mention cops uh come in contact with that i think it's like 12 million civilians a year as far as you know when they get called okay so 130 black shootings that's not even one one thousandth of a percent or whatever so it's a false narrative but the media the the lib media cherry picks these stories when it's a white cop or whatever uh uh cherry picks them and creates this illusion that it's only happening to black people and young dumb fucking idiots have bought into it both white and black i can understand uneducated people may be falling for this shit but you idiot white kids go

to college with your fucking dreadlocks you're falling into it too being played like a friggin piano it's very weird anyways but i was saying on stage that uh you know you don't want to see cities burning shit but it does make for good tv you have to admit it's like midnight you're but I was saying on stage that, you know, you don't want to see cities burn and shit, but it does make for good TV. You have to admit, it's like midnight. You're sitting there going, holy shit, what's going to happen? How about Geraldo Rivera out there, who I like? You know, the guy's going to be close to 70 years old if he's not already 70.

Guys, you get the work ethic of an Amish guy. You can't slow him down, but he loves the drama. Some black kid jumped in front of him. You know him. And in between Geraldo and the camera. Fucking. I thought he was going to start crying. This is Geraldo over.

I'm being pushed. And shoved around billets. He sounds a little whatever. But. He's out there mixing it up. And you know. He was a fucking hippie in his heyday in a real lib so i blame him for half this shit things he did back in the 60s and 70s are paying off now coming to fruition yet he sits in fox news channel like he's a

conservative or something yeah but um yeah it's just uh it's like jesus Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. But, yeah, it's just, it's like, Jesus, enough already. We'll see, but I think she really, that state's attorney went overboard. You know, it's going to be hard, according to everybody, regardless of their politics, to convict these guys. She's making it sound like a slam dunk, isn't she? What else do we have? Kids.

Mother's Day is coming up again. Drive up to Boston. I got to get up there. I don't know. What do you do? I got my mother like cash and a card. That's real, uh, that's real personal, huh huh here's a hundred bucks like al pacino and donnie brasco and him and johnny depp exchange christmas cards oh god here's a hundred maria good go get yourself some

chewing tobacco and some whiskey but uh you know a hundred bucks goes a long way at Marshall's. She'll come home with 11 dresses from fucking... Name a designer. Whatever. But me and my mother, you know, last Mother's Day, it got kind of ugly between us. I can't remember what triggered it.

But my brother actually has the audio of it got kind of ugly between us. I can't remember what triggered it. But my brother actually has the audio of it. He sent it to me. So I don't know if I'm going to go up next year. But it got ugly between Mother's Day. The boss here. Good. Maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him.

Great. My own mother. Fuck you, you fucking whore. My father stepped in and cracked me one. It got ugly. But what are you going to do? These things happen. Family tensions, they boil over.

You know, you bring her a Whitman sampler and she doesn't like the first three she bites into and she gets mouthy and you tell her to fuck off and then your father cracks you. I mean, isn't that how it happens? Sure. Sure it does. Oh. That's a little bit of a coke I did in Philly.

Me and Dave Schultz hooked up. What else? Oh, we split after the show, the second show. Because, you know, I had a two and a half hour, three hour drive ahead of me. So God bless Jerry, the manager at Helium. I go, look, when I'm done, I'm coming right off stage. Please be in the green room, which is right off the stage and have the check ready. Because last time I played there, the manager said, yeah, I'll do that. And I came back because I wanted to just get the check and bolt to the hotel,

said yeah i'll do that and i came back because i wanted to just get the check and bolt to the hotel get my car and go and uh he wasn't there and he and i sat there for like 20 minutes the prick made me sit it was a power play on his part there's no reason no reason you can't just hand me the check unless this was a bonus situation which it wasn't but uh this new guy jerry goes yeah no doubt about it and then we'll sneak you right outside the side door right up the alley not that i'm like albus and shit but i just want to make a clean getaway otherwise you end up you know spending three hours taking pictures and having drunk guys you know quote jokes you did 21 years ago um so uh split up the alley after we got the check, and the hotel was seven minutes away.

I ran there, ran upstairs, got my bag, gave the guy the ticket. We were on the highway going over the Betsy Roth Bridge. I don't know why. On the way there, Waze took me over to Ben Franklin. On the way home, it takes me over to Betsy Ross. It's trying to give me a fucking history lesson. Okay, Francis Kotsky, Francis Scott Key, is that his name? That would have been funny if that came out in whatever.

So, yes, I think we were halfway home before people even got their checks after the end of the second show. I know that's kind of rude maybe, but, uh, you know what I mean? I had to drop her off in the city and it worked out beautifully. I just say, I'm always in a hurry. And why? To get home to a, to a, you know, come in and, and the wife will be, uh, you know, laying on the couch, um, watching the Kardashians and crying because she thinks I banged Kim when I lived in Los Angeles. It's a lie.

I started to make my wife attracted to me. No, I'm kidding. Have you ever seen the Kardashians? It's not some fucking high, some highbrow shit. When did watching women, whether it's housewives of atlanta housewives of pensacola florida housewives of fucking uh billings montana when when did it

become considered entertainment to watch them shop and have lunch are you shitting me what the fuck i'll never for the life of me. Somebody has to explain that. And again, my wife watches this shit. She doesn't, she watches it tongue in cheek. She takes it what it's for. I suppose some people think it, you know, think it's appointment TV. But we laugh. I walk in and there's always like five women like in their 40s.

They call them cougars. But they look like they they fell asleep face down on a panini maker their lips are all swollen fucking filled up with collagen chicken broth that's what i thought collagen was i'd college in i really actually thought that um they always have these fucking oversized lips it's hilarious you know you might as well have your husband smack you around. Nobody's going to know. Fucking lips are like that 24 hours a day around the clock. And they're trying to eat like hors d'oeuvres, and their face is so paralyzed from botulism.

You know, they have like a fucking corn chowder dripping down their chin, and they're arguing about a pair of shoes. It's like, when I first looked at a TV, I thought it was like a benefit for fucking women with tumors or brain tumors or some. Housewives of Allentown. But what was I talking about? I'm all over the place. What the hell was I even talking about?

I don't even remember. How sad is that? Anyways, yeah. What was the rush home but uh yeah i was home by like 220 and uh my wife had gone to a baby shower and uh she brought home you know cold pasta like i not going to eat that at 2.30. I haven't eaten since the second show. I'm sitting there eating cold ziti. Oh, I'd say about a pound of it before I went to bed.

I wake up and I have Kim Kardashian's ass. I think a lot of black guys were hitting on me when I was walking through my neighborhood today. I better get to Sean T and sweat that off. Still doing my insanity. I can only do it like three times a week, again, because there's nothing left of my knees after P90X. This Sean T guy just cracks me up.

Stay in it. Stay with me. Stay focused. Stay focused. You will not believe. You're doing great. He always, he talks to us like we're kids that were fucking taken out of an orphanage

and we've been beaten our whole lives. You're doing great. No, I'm not. I stopped like eight minutes ago. I'm sitting on the couch. Sweating my balls off. As you guys continue. What do you mean I'm doing great?

You're doing terrific. Fine. I'll put a pillow behind my head. But it's so funny. He talks like. You can do it. You can do. You won't believe.

How you can change your body. In 30 minutes a day. with me stay focused but uh it works i gotta tell you it works 30 minutes if you go hard but i was joking about this i'm writing a new bit about this how like i said i keep forgetting the people in the goddamn videos are in their 30s and 20s i keep thinking i'm 38 mentally i'm 22 but uh i can't keep up with them so i do the i i'm doing the modified exercises you know there's always a heavyset chick in the front the rest of the girls are like in their 20s with an ass you could crack an egg on and there's always that you know heavyset chick up front who's doing the modified exercises everybody else is doing like front handsprings and and me and katherine are raising our right elbow three inches up and down oh yeah i'll be ripped by 2068 got my heart rate up to seven

with this shit but uh no it actually it's still it still, if you go hard, I don't do all modified shit. I do some of the exercises they're doing, but they don't want the knees. I'm doing burpee pushups. Like you see on lockup. I'm like a Mexican gang leader doing exercise myself. I can do some of those. leader doing exercise myself i can do some of those but um this uh sean t talks throughout the whole thing and he just like uh you know free wheels free association whatever comes into his head and it's really gets kind of annoying and he's always walking around grabbing and putting

his hands but he'll get behind i and put his hands on his waist. Todd's. I can feel his stomach. I can feel his core. Focus on your core. You can tell he just wants to. Can't wait for the. He can't wait for the taping to end so he can get in the shower.

And rinse himself. Nice. That's as far as I'm going to go with that. But yeah, I'm doing the modified shit. You know, the stuff I used to laugh at when I saw, when I was in my 30s, that's, you know, an exercise thing for like housewives. Now I'm doing a lot of those exercises.

The whole key is your knee has to become, your knees, they have to lift above your waist on every exercise and whatever. Don't I have him? It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push to the max, you can get the body that you always wanted. If you can push to the max,

you can get the body that you always wanted. If you can push to the max, you can get the body that I always wanted to rape. He's wanted. Come on, I don't care if you scream, yell. You hear that? That's him in the shower with one of the fellas. I'm just kidding. Who knows? This guy probably gets a lot of braids.

I don't know. Because girls, they're confused. They're easy to fool in Hollywood. Whatever you gotta do, just know that I'm here for you. Whatever you gotta do, just know that I'm here for you. That's what the guy who had three women tied up in his basement in Cleveland used to say before he left the

house. Real comforting words. Oh, come on, Shanti. Sean. That's me doing exercises with Shanti. See, I just threw my back out there on that last one. I was down on all fours like Catherine was and doing some leg raises. I'm only kidding, Sean T. You know I'm kidding.

If he hears this, he could get upset, you know. Fuck you! Fuck you! I started a joke that started the whole comedy club crying because I didn't see that the emcee was me I uh what else is going on um oh Christ how about the shooting in Garland Texas gotta talk about Pam Gellar or you can can call it geller it doesn't matter they pronounce it galar on tv and um you know who she is she's the founder of the american freedom defense initiative uh they describe themselves as a human rights organization that defends freedom of speech by speaking out against global jihad and islamic supremacists and she runs a sister company called stop islamization of america she's a ballsy broad

i mean anytime obviously but uh her organization held a uh you know draw, draw Muhammad cartoon contest in Garland, Texas, Sunday night. And two suspects pulled up and shot at the security guard and they were killed immediately by police. She had hired like an extra $10,000 worth of undercover cops or whatever, private detectives, which is obviously smart because as you know, the charlie hebdo thing if you follow politics um but what she was trying to prove is that free speech is under attack that's why she put on this thing in the first place and uh those guys took the bait they took the bait and proved her right that's all i'm gonna say of course the uh southern poverty law center whatever the fuck it is of course you know

you know it's so funny to watch them try to because they hate her they call her you know she's into hate speech and all this shit and they interviewed the guy today and he's kind of like well no i mean she's right as far as freedom of speech, but they can't. They can't help themselves. It's that cut and dry. She proved her point, but they consider her, you know, they throw her in the category of a hater of hate speech and a hate organization. But they really can't. The guy was just on there trying to explain himself, and he contradicted himself. trying to explain himself, and he contradicted himself.

The Southern Poverty Law Center has them on the list of hate groups and as an active anti-Muslim group. Really? So doing something that demonstrates free speech is somehow considered hate speech now, or an act of hate, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center. You can't have it both ways you're wrong but uh remember she put up all these uh she was trying to get all these uh very controversial ads so she did get them up in the in the subways last september

here in new york city you know it was basically hamas saying if you kill jewish people it's a it's a form of worship so she put all these ads up you know and um you know basically exposing all the hate towards jews coming from uh islam and whatnot and uh people the mta didn't want to put them up because it was going to cause violence and blah blah blah so i went to court and the court said, no, that's freedom of speech. But I think recently, as a couple of days ago, I heard they have to take them down now. They're not going to allow any political ads, which is exactly what happened right before the whole Nazi thing over in Germany. Once you shut down one political, you have to shut them all down.

in Germany. Once you, you know, shut down one political, you have to shut them all down. And she's got a lot of balls. Mother of God. But she's making her point. I don't know how you can argue it if you're a believer in free speech. And

I go on the internet and I read the article and it goes, I go to the comments section and somebody's like, eh. I mean, I'm all for free speech, but do you really have to antagonize? I mean, that's kind of dumb, but okay, so you're really not all for free speech. People want to split hairs, you know? But it's really like an open and shut case. It's what keeps us from being ISIS and from being Nazi Germany. That's what keeps us from being isis and from being nazi germany that's what keeps us that's what separates from them so those guys showing up and trying to shoe up the place

last night uh just made her point in my opinion crazy though right so then i read about that because that happened in garland texas which is like 20 miles uh you know 20 miles outside of Dallas and then there's a there was another whole article of how ISIS supposedly has like a couple camps eight miles from El Paso Texas I mean it's coming folks not to be that doomsayer here but holy Christ I wonder if my girlfriend gigi has been following this free speech issue and hi guys it's gigi and today i'm kind of doing a sponge fuck you oh i am literally watching the bruce j Jenner documentary right now. And it's just something that I felt strongly about. And I just decided to do a random video.

I just got out of the shower. My hair is braided because that's what I do. Oh, goodness. I didn't even know who this girl was. And I just stumbled over her while I was doing my research here. Does she have to tell us she just got out of the shower? I mean, come on, Gigi. For the love of Christ.

She's watching the Bruce Jenner interview. This was a few weeks ago, obviously. It's very important to her. She's like a 17. I just asked my wife, I go, who's this Gigi chick? She goes, oh, her mother was like a supermodel. And her and her sister are now like the hottest models in the world or whatever. She's like 17 with blonde pigtails and you know and uh i was just cracking up at how how

just the shit that the shit storm that's going on around us and she's just um she's huge i guess naturally on the internet more famous than i'll ever be but uh holy christ it's like watching uh Cindy Brady comment on the gender interview and you know the 17 year old guys they're on their third towel not hearing a word she's saying when she thinks she's making some legitimate uh points fuck you no but I just wanted to sit down and make a video because I am honestly so proud of him. I kind of wanted to get your thoughts on this as well. I know probably a lot of people have comments

that you can leave down below, and I would love to talk to everybody. I think I just left a comment down below. Yeah. But I was moved at a. Yeah. Were you moved? She was moved. Takes a lot to move a 17-year-old girl. Takes a lot.

Usually a best friend, a flashlight. a best friend, a flashlight. When his sister, I believe, was talking about how he told her, and then she drove home from the dinner that he told her at, and she just cried. And I can... I bet she did. But you're... Bet she did.

But you're, uh, oh. How do you know she didn't have an upset stomach or something? Maybe she had the farts. You don't know why she's crying. Maybe she's happy for her brother. She just had to take a drop on. I relate to that so much because it just really, really touched me very deeply. Yeah.

Enough about your uncle he said you know it's because I was worried for him it's not because my brother was transgender it's because of the pain he went through when he was younger and I think that this is what this entire documentary is doing it's not supposed to be this spectacle over Bruce or... Yeah, no, you're right. That's why they did it. Educational. That's why. Sure. It wasn't about ratings and Diane Sawyer, was it? Keeping her dried up ass on TV.

By the way, she looks pretty good, too. I guess I'm attracted from anyone, from Gigi, who's 17, to Diane Sawyer, who'll be 76 on Wednesday. But I guess I just like blonde broads. But listen to this girl when she talks like this. Have you ever heard such a female voice? His new name is.

I'm waiting for that new name, girl. I want to call you by your new name. But I feel like it really is just to empower. And this human being is an extraordinary person. And for him to go on on this you know on this stand for the whole world fuck you fuck you god i mean can you imagine trying to convince her that some people have the right to disagree with that not that that I do, because I don't,

because, you know, he's courageous and all that, and I wouldn't want to go through the shit he's gone through his whole life. Although he did get a ton of ass when he was a guy and a famous athlete. But can you imagine trying to convince Gigi and somebody else her age that, no, you know, maybe there are people

who disagree with this, and can you imagine, their minds have been so shaped by PC horse shit But no, you know, maybe there are people who disagree with this. And can you imagine? Their minds have been so shaped by PC horseshit that nobody could disagree with it without being labeled a hater or whatever. But, um, GG. That's how, I'm sure this, I'm sure you guys have like been of this. This Gigi girl probably on the Internet for five years now. I'm just like stumbling over five minutes ago because I'm so hip. Be laughing at and, you know, pointing fingers at and all this stuff is like amazing.

And I applaud him. And it's just a super, super touching thing because I can relate. I've been through it and I tweeted earlier, but I was like, you know what? I just want to do a video because I want to like talk. How can she relate? Because she's been through it. Did I miss something? Was she a boy?

What is she talking about? What's she been through? A couple. What the fuck is she talking about? A shoe closet? I don't get it. It's like a lot. I feel like I just want to commend him because he is going to be.

Oh, good. Now he can sleep at night. He got the approval of a 17-year-old. He's probably 22. I don't know. I'm just throwing an age out there. Anybody under 40 looks 17 to me. The angel for so many trans girls out there and trans boys and anything you know

like anything different it's just going to be like okay this is okay he had so much baggage and he still did it i just think it's oh yeah weekly wanders into a bar in tulsa six months from now with this cocktail dress we'll see how all right it is teasing and i just basically wanted to say bruce if you ever see this i love you and i just i want it is. Of course you do, but you wouldn't hug me or any guy who clearly is a guy and wants to chew on your neck for an hour. You wouldn't do that. But if I walked up to you in a pair of pumps with a five o'clock shadow and a miniskirt on, then you'll give me a big fucking hug, won't you? You open-minded little witch, you.

I really do. And anybody else that's watching out there that feels like they're different or feels like they don't have anybody to talk to, work it out. When God makes you, they're kind of like, he's kind of like, okay, I your life to make it a little difficult. Maybe I know nothing about her, but do you think she's had anything? She's got the face of an angel smiling and sitting the body of venus with arms um like she's ever had to deal with anything even maybe she again i don't know anything about this

girl i didn't i didn't bother that's the fun of this show i'm not gonna look it up and research it and take the guesswork out of it but i mean she's blonde hair blue eyes uh with the face of a freaking angel literally and uh like what kind of obstacles has been putting her in front of her that even compared to what jenna went through i remember once I ordered a tuna sub with pickles and they gave me tomato. To be transgender and have this kind of like thing in the back of his mind. And that's how it was for me, too. So I can definitely relate. And I find I feel very strongly about this.

And I'm sure tonight is like the biggest weight off her shoulders. And I can relate to that. So I just want to. Oh, I'm sorry. I was I'm sorry because I've the biggest weight off her shoulders, and I can relate to that. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I've been breaking up the interview. She's talking about the sister's reaction, Bruce's sister. So apparently Gigi has a brother or somebody relative. I see.

She had to make the adjustment. I was prejudging her. Maybe it's because she's 17 and has 6 trillion followers on Twitter, and none of them are wearing pants. Spread the love and hear what you guys have to say. I really, really, really hope you guys. I just did spread the love. Now I need some carpet cleaning.

Thank you, Gigi. Back to the show. You supported this, and you're not going to make fun of it, because it obviously is a very serious thing. I was skeptical as well. But hearing his story, it really did touch me. And she's been touched like eight times in a sense of you already. You know, Christ.

I just wanted to talk about it. So, yeah, I'm going to end this video now. I need to go to bed. I have a meetup tomorrow. For anybody coming to Sephora Miami, I will see you there. But until I see you guys next time, stay gorgeous and be kind.

I feel like Ellen, be kind to one another. Oh God. Stay gorgeous. Oh my God. She was talking about Bruce Denner, then she closed by saying, stay gorgeous. Oh, my God. She was talking about Bruce Dennett, and then she closed by saying, stay gorgeous. Poor Bruce, like I said on stage, he's in the lava stage right now. He's like in between.

He's not a caterpillar. He's not a butterfly, but looks like a prostitute who got caught in a fire. But stay gorgeous. That's hilarious that's gg everybody i'm sure you all know her i was just introduced to her be spending some time on that page what else do we got? What else do we got? Hey I need to cleanse my palate

After Gigi With a little Uncle Junior Guy comes home With a bouquet of flowers For his wife I guess I'll have to Spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks.

Don't you have a vase? Sorry, I'll laugh at that until I'm 100. Joke's 60 years old. I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Why? That's kind of funny. Hey, look at this headline. Woman to become New York firefighter despite failing crucial fitness test. Well, there's that old war against women again, huh?

Coming up. There's just evidence. It's everywhere. I mean, the FDNY, that's the New York Fire Department, for the first time in history is going to allow someone who failed its crucial physical fitness test to join the bravest. is going to allow someone who failed its crucial physical fitness test to join the bravest. Rebecca Wax, 33, is set to graduate Tuesday from the Fire Academy without passing the functional skills training test. That's right, without passing. It's a grueling obstacle course

of jar-related tasks. You know, make me a sandwich, get my shoes, bitch, where's the paper? No, a grueling obstacle course of jar-related tasks performed in full gear with a limited air supply. And she failed the motherfucker. Okay? But they're going to pass her anyways because she has a vagina. That's fair, huh? Putting people in danger. And she's going to be so hated at the firehouse.

You know what I mean? They're going to be pissing in her chili when she's not looking and rightly so. And some insider said, they're going to allow the first person to graduate without passing because this administration,

meaning de Blasio, has lowered the standard. We're being asked to go into a fire. is again somebody speaking off the record we're being asked uh to go into a fire with somebody who isn't 100 qualified the source said our job is a team effort if there's a weak link in the chain either civilians or members can die. And that's true. That's no fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? She couldn't pass the physical. That's great, huh?

So think about that. Next time your house is, somebody's house is on fire and she gets about four steps up the ladder and starts puking and goes, ah, fuck it, jump. Wax is, her last name's Wax. Her graduation comes as the city celebrates the fdny's 150th anniversary and the department is under pressure by the de blasio administration

there's that stupid liberals no common sense you're just fucking idiots you're wrong about everything you're wrong about this you're wrong about the cop shit you're wrong about writing you're wrong about everything about race you're just fucking idiots you've lost your mind uh i i it is it's a mental illness uh under pressure by de blasio administration to hire more women yeah sure even at the expense of uh people's lives that you know get your agenda through. That's more important. Only 44 of the FDNY's 10,500 firefighters are female. Yeah, there's a reason for that, you dink. Same reason the NBA is only 20% white. Or whatever.

That's probably changed in the last few years. Do you understand? There's reasons that they set these standards and they've worked. And you know what? There's a couple of female firefighters who did pass with flying colors, and they hate this chick too. Because it's not fair to them either. Because you're talking about life and death here.

It's funny, her last name is Wax, isn't it? Something she uses on her mustache what jesus christ nick what are you saying uh she had a high grade point average on her academics which which officials determined offset her fst the physical part i guess is that how it works now oh you fucked up on the essay part but that's alright unbelievable man

yeah this might have something to do with also fire commissioner Daniel Nigro indicated he wanted to act before a possible sex discrimination lawsuit after the city paid 98 mil to settle a lawsuit that accused the FDNY of discriminating against minorities.

And there it is. Lower the standards out of fairness, even though it's going to cost somebody lives. Who's going to do it? You, Goldberg? My job, although you may detest it, saves lives. Oh, my God. Huh?

What an unruly. Just that. You can't. You can't. You can't. I don't give a shit. You feminist or whoever. You can't defend this garbage's you can't you can't you can't you can i don't give a shit you feminist or whoever you can't defend this garbage you can't just like the military you used to have to do 20 pull-ups now it's down to like six and you have to do a cannonball in a pool and and and fucking make that farting noise under your arm four times

and then they'll make you a green beret um yeah so i don't give a shit what you say that's wrong but uh you know de blasio just a fucking nitwit, and anybody who thinks like him, you're just fucking nitwits. But you'll find that. And finally, in this world of chaos, it really is like the 60s, isn't it? Don't you feel like you're living in the 60s with all the racial unrest and tension with the cops? Another NYPD officer fighting for his life shot in the head officer Brian Moore a cop from Queens

shot in Queens fighting for his life he might even be dead now as I talk to you I don't even know but yeah so let's not do that stop and frisk thing But Yeah So let's not do that

Stop and frisk thing Let's cut down on that And let's also Cut down on You know Low level crimes All the stuff that Giuliani put in place

And Bloomberg Followed through with That dropped crime To record lows In New York City from 3000 murders in 1989, 90 to like 300 a year now. Let's reverse those. And that's what de Blasio and his asshole cohorts are doing, trying to handcuff the

cops. So that's the fifth New York cop shot in the last five months. So so how's it working out, Mayor? This guy is so finished, it's fucking, it's hilarious. And I hope it finishes liberalism on a national level, too. Never see it again. This guy was convicted in 2001 on an attempted murder charge. This guy was convicted in 2001 on an attempted murder charge.

Pulled a, tried to carjack somebody, then fired shots at the vehicle, and he served five years. Then he returned to prison for violating his parole. Released again in, he's released again in 2008, so. Somebody's agenda to keep us at each other's throats, there's no doubt. But his lawyer said that his client has no particular animus towards police officers. Again, can somebody try to explain that to me? How do you say that with a straight

fucking face, you weasel? So, yeah. We're looking at another cop probably dying. And if he survives, he's got a brain stem injury. And, I mean, you know. Like I said, I don't even know if he's alive now. Anyways. That's about it, I guess.

Touched on it all. Maybe I'll put on Sean T now gotta get his sweat going who am I kidding playoff hockey on don't forget to

watch me on Inside Amy Schumer 1030 tomorrow night Comedy Central like I said Paul Giamatti Jeff Goldblum John Hawks

Vincent Kartheiser. I don't know how you say his name. But a really, really funny episode. And I'm proud of it. I'm thankful that Amy asked me to do it. And Pompton Plains this weekend and the May 16th in Main Street Armory. And go to nicktip.com. Don't forget about another senseless killing.

It's still on the charts, man, on iTunes, which means people are buying it. And I appreciate that. If you go to my website, like I said, put in the code radioornick and you get three bucks off

Another Senseless Killing. Get it. It's really funny. Some of it's tasteless. Some of it's dirty. Some of it's clean. Some of it's funny. You're really going to enjoy it.

That's about it. Anything else? As I say to a producer that I don't have, I didn't really touch on sports. The Red Sox have no pitching. The Yankees swept them. A-Rod beat us on Friday, Saturday with a pinch hit home run. I can't remember. I think it was, doesn't matter. But they swept the Sox. Sox don't have any pitching. And all of a sudden the Yankees are in first place.

I don't know how that's possible. That division's wide open, though. We have a ton of offense. If we get an ounce of pitching, we'll be in it. We, I mean the Red Sox. And hockey, playoff hockey is just tremendous. Please take in a game. You'll become a fan for life.

I really believe that. That's it, kids. You know how I feel about you, don't you? Sure you do. Lee, tell them. I love you for helping me to construct of my life not a tavern but a temple I love you because you have fuck you You have done it without a word, without

a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is

why I love means. And that is why I love you. Good morning, good day, good evening, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.