The Nick DiPaolo Show - 080 - 12 Angry Men, Brady and Woody

Episode Date: May 12, 2015

12 Angry Men, Brady and Woody

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. And action. Hi, kids. It's your friend, Nick. How are you? Another podcast. What does all mean? I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. Money.

Mm-hmm. What does all mean? I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. Money. Anyways, what's happened since we last chatted? Let me get the business out of the way. Another senseless killing. Please go get it at nickdip.com.

Use code radio or Nick and save three bucks, I think. I believe that's how it works. Or, you know, you can get it on iTunes, Amazon, wherever. Funny motherfuckers is sold, a'ight? Anyways. Dates, this Saturday night, Main Street Armory in Rochester, New York. May 16th, this Saturday night. I'm bringing Joe List with me. That's right,

bringing Joe out of retirement. I mean, he's active. He's got a good career going. Things are going good for that kid. He's got a half-hour special on Comedy Central that he just landed, and he did last comic standing. I think he made it deep into the competition. So, you know, that'll mean an extra 11 bucks at the Funny Bone in New Hampshire. So, no, so he's coming up. That'll be a good show. Joe's a fucking, lookit, he closes some rooms here and there. So it's not just like, you know, some shitty act opening. Mm-hmm. So the Main Street Armory this Saturday night.

Mm-hmm. So the Main Street Armory this Saturday night. If you don't catch me there, I'll be at the SideSplitters in Tampa. June 4, 5, and 6. Great club down there. Bobby Jewell, my boy. I'll be hanging out with him. Hope he takes me to a steakhouse he took me to last time.

Brought me to some steak. Oh, my God. There was a grill in there. You know one of those grills it's like a seriously 15 feet by 28 it's just metal sheets with like just giant steaks and like an open fire pit under it and this beautiful restaurant oh tremendous i clogged my ass with all kinds of red meat and my cholesterol went up 400 points it's a beautiful thing uh and then uncle vinnie's in point pleasant new jersey june 27 which is always a great gig people have to bring their own booze to that gig how funny is that i see i look out in the crowd i see people with play school coolers reaching in to grab beer is that not fucking funny

yes it's uh you know i always say to them what uh where's the blanket fireworks gonna start in a few minutes you mama luke's i always bust jerry and dino's balls i say they're the only two italians who don't know how to grease a liquor you know a guy for their liquor license. But yeah, catch those shows. Come on out. Don't just lay on the couch. Come on out. Live life. It's going to be over soon.

ISIS is in town. Sure, they're in Texas. They threatened today to do something. I think it was a cyber attack they threatened today. It was supposed to happen at 2 o'clock Eastern Standard Time. I've been downstairs. I haven't put on the television in a few hours. Who the fuck knows?

It might have happened. I'll be the last to know about it because I'm preparing this shit. Well, I was actually working out with my boy, Sean T. It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push to the max, you can get the body that you always wanted. Yeah. Come on, okay? I know the body you want.

That of a 17-year-old kid in a nice pair of wet shorts. If you scream, yell, hate me, whatever you gotta do. I ain't gonna hate you. I'm here for you. That's right. You gotta focus. You gotta push it. You gotta stay within yourself and stay with it. I know you can do it.

I won't. Christ. Doing the modified version. I know you can do it. I won't. Christ. Doing the modified version. I can't even keep up. Maybe I should stop the two or three cigarettes after the workout. Might affect my performance the next day for the next workout. Do you think? I don't know.

This son of a bitch, though. Man, is he in shape. And the broads behind him. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, my stem. them aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye my stem but like i said it's me and the heavyset girl who's doing the modified exercises that's where i am the age wise ah it really is sad man uh what the hell else uh went to uh drove up to see uh see to see Mom up in the Massachusetts area. I grew up about 20 miles north of Boston, as you know, and surprised her. She didn't know I was coming.

And, you know, the good feelings last for about three hours before we start arguing. We just, me and the mother, don't see eye to eye. It's very, I don't know what it is, man. And it's only getting worse as she gets older and i get older but uh like tony soprano said in the one of his sessions it's a disgusting thing to be a a bad son whatever i'm not a bad son but i'm just saying i know we just don't see eye to eye on anything. She's more pig-headed than I am. She'll tell you that I'm more pig-headed.

But so the old man, too. I told you my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's back in the winter. I think in December, maybe. So he's doing pretty good, you know. He's having one of his better days. But it's a whole different thing, man. It's a whole different household. It just feels different.

But the guy's almost 80, and he's hanging in there. So, yeah, I bought some flowers from a guy at Exit 16 in New Haven. Got back on the highway. i'm kidding i went down to the amp and get a nice 15 a bunch of shitty flowers that someone threw together uh i gave them to my mother and she hit me they crossed the face with them like big pussy's wife did remember big pussy his wife had a test for breast cancer and she told him across the face with them like Big Pussy's wife did. Remember Big Pussy's wife had a test for breast cancer and she told him it came back negative and he just went, where's my belt? And she fucking started hitting him with roses in the face with flowers.

I don't know. I got the sequence wrong. He didn't say anything when she told him that her breast cancer, whatever the fuck. He felt bad. He gave her a dozen roses and he smacked she smacked him across the face with the flowers anyways hmm i played the clip of uh what happened to me and my mother right on mother's day last year here's a here it is if you missed uh last week's show to the boss

here good maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him. Great. My own mother. Fuck you, you fucking whore. It's not that bad. Oh, God. Anyways, she's a sweet, tough lady. What else? Tom Brady, that's the big news as I come on the air here. He's suspended for four games, and what a fucking witch hunt. And yes, I'm going to take you.

You're going to go, well, you're a Patriots fan, Nick. Obviously, you're going to defend them. A little more than that, okay? I mean, that was the conclusion of the Wells report. He probably knew about it. Really? You're going to tarnish the guy's reputation? He probably knew? That's all you got?

Really? Come on. And let's say he did know, okay? We're talking about, I mean, it's just, look, it's a, here's my theory, and you're going to think I'm crazy and shit, and he's the face of the league.

And it's too white. The league's about 88% black. We can't have Tom Brady as the face of the fucking league. It's where we are in this country. Anybody rich and successful. Why don't you just say white privilege? That's really probably what it's all about. There's a lot of people in the front office they say the nfl that

hate the patriots and one of them is that kenzel guy that used to work for the jets florio wrote a piece back in january about him i'll get to that in a second but um no it's just the league it's not all racial i'm i'm saying some of that tongue in cheek. But it's the times we live in. You know, I'm supposed to believe Mitt Romney bankrupted companies and put people out in the street. Anybody who's rich and successful and mostly white, we have to take down a notch, don't we? Everybody has to be equal. Like they've been calling the NFL for years, it's the Socialist Football League. Because all the talent is distributed equally.

Pete Rozelle did that, by the way, to make it more competitive. That's why you have so much parody, which people's idiots seem to like it. They don't realize it's all because it's all mediocre and watered down now. But the point being, you're going to tarnish his reputation, really, over something like this? I mean, he was better off beating somebody, beating his wife or fucking carjacking somebody four games over oh he probably knew let's say he did know worst case scenario from my point let's say he did know okay you get aaron rogers out there saying i asked for i use overinflated balls hoping the refs will catch me you had j Jerry Rice, who you stick him. So are we going to fucking tarnish his career?

His Hall of Fame career? Greatest receiver all time, you'd stick him? Is that cheating? How about anybody who got busted for steroids? I mean, you know, do you see what I'm saying? You can go after people for everything. And let's say it's just the AFC Championship game they're talking about. What, the first half?

And then they corrected the problem in the second half? And the Pats put up more points? And even if it goes back, even if they say that he's been doing it his whole career, we're talking about air and a football. Obviously, it wasn't that noticeable because only the Colts noticed it back in January, in the AFC Championship game. So it wasn't like, you know back in uh january in the afc championship game so it wasn't like you know i mean come on just gotta we have to pick we have to we love building people up and ripping them

down especially a guy like tom brady mr whitey with his beautiful model girlfriend and just has the life by the balls gotta take him them down. Gotta take them down. It's just, it just reeks of envy. And it reeks of the times we're living in. It just fucking, you know, again, sports is a microcosm of the society which we live in. And you gotta know the times we live in. The people that are going after him and the people that hate the Patriots. These are all the people that grew up in the everybody gets a trophy era. Do you understand?

Everybody, it's just, like I said, even if he knew, we're talking about air in a football. He wasn't betting against his own team. I mean, this is just, I don't know. It just reeks of a witch hunt to me. It really does. And I know I'm not going to convince you Jets fans and you people who hate the Patriots, but you've got to understand, this shit's been going on forever in the league.

All kinds of shit. Bounty Gate down in New Orleans or whatever.'s it's so easy to hate a guy like tom brady like i said he looks like a male model and he fucking date you know married a supermodel and he's got zillion she makes more money than him and it's just easy to take him down a notch and there's people in the front office there's this guy florio mike florio wrote this back in january of 2015 uh some guy the gm for the colts ryan grigson he alerted the nfl to concerns about the inflation of patriots footballs again this is back in january before before the afc title game made a confusing situation even more confusing the nfl insisted publicly and privately that

there was no sting operation. But if Gregson shared concerns about underinflated footballs with the league office before the AFC title game, and if the league office didn't tell the Patriots about those concerns before the title game, it's fair to suspect that someone wanted to catch the Patriots in the act. NFL Executive Vice President of Football operations Troy Vinson has said that Grigson contacted vice president of game operations, the guy that works for the NFL, Mike Kensel, during the AFC championship after a football that had been intercepted by linebacker DeQuell Jackson allegedly seemed underinflated. That makes Kensel, now here's the important part a former jets employee with a reputation for

having an anti-patriot bias it's i guess it's well known this guy works for the nfl in front of a prime candidate to have gotten the phone call from grigson before the game what if kensel decided he was going to handle it on his own and that he uh was going to catch the patriots in the act which oh man i want to hear this guy interview. That would explain the failure of the game officials to make a written record of the PSI measurements of the Patriots and Colts footballs before the game. If they didn't know that there were concerns

about the Patriots footballs, then why would they have no reason to generate a paper trail? That's what they say. This is a good article. This is, again, back in January. So that's what they say. This is a good article. This is, again, back in January.

Kenzel got the call from Grigson. If it was a sting operation, it would work like this. Kenzel got the call from Grigson, and Kenzel didn't share the information with his colleagues. Again, this is speculation. Kenzel's goal may have been to prevent the Patriots from getting a warning about the concerns regarding that pressure. Oh, and number two, nab the Patriots red-handed. Pretty interesting. But I'm just saying, you're not going to convince, you're going to sit and try to convince me that Tom Brady wouldn't have the career that he's having or, you know, everything's tainted

now. You go on the internet and you read in the comments section and the stupidity is just, it's just, it's frightening. Yeah, he's worse than Pete Rose. He's right up there with Barry Barnes and fucking. Meanwhile, like I said, Aaron Rodgers is bragging how he over inflates the footballs, hoping the refs will catch, you know, will catch him. He likes him over inflate. Terry Bradshaw said they used to do this all the time so it's just i'm telling you it's just uh it's the whiny generation my generation or people a little younger than me uh you know who want everything uh and a tight bow anyways uh and no you're not and he's not

gonna hand over his fucking phone fuck you just like if you get caught at work and your employer asked to see you for all your personal information you know let me tell you something when if you look like tom brady and you're that rich and shit and uh i'm sure there's text and stuff on that phone they have nothing to do with football that could ruin his life so uh you know come on but four games that's a quarter of the season. You've got to be shitting me. You're better off smacking your wife around. Yes, and I know Ray Rice got suspended. I'm just saying.

I mean, you're trying to, like, ruin a guy's reputation. I ain't having it. I ain't buying it. But anyways, like I said, you're not going to convince the people who hate the Patriots and you're not going to convince the people who love the Patriots. I want to see how the union jumps in and defends

Brady like they do when guys get caught drinking and driving and shooting up a titty bar. I want to see DeMorris Smith, the executive director of the National Football League's Players Association. I want to see him be as vigorous in his defense of Tom. You know? By the way, he worked for Eric Holder.

I mean, he's an impressive guy, DeMorris Smith, DeMorris, however you want to pronounce it. But there's a lot of people I think would love to see Brady taking down a notch. And you go, well, that's a little,

you know, it's just speculation on my part. I don't give a shit. But the Patriots, they're too good. They're winning too many Super Bowls. We can't have it. Tommy's just too good.

Oh, listen to the Colts. Let's see. Listen to the Colts. Indianapolis Colts. Upper level management. Oh, they can't beat them. You fucking... Whatever.

There's a lot more important stuff in the world. But four rings. Dynasty. Kiss my ass. Yeah. So Jerry Rice is a fraud too because he used stick them and so did fred belitnikoff one of my favorite receivers of all time for the oakland raiders in the 70s real slow white fella but he had stick them it looked like he looked like he fell in a jar of peanut butter when he was out there was all over his legs his shoes his hall of fam, by the way. Yeah.

Here's Stephen A. Smith. I brought up the racial thing, you know, crazy racial theories. Mine isn't any more crazy than frigging Stephen A. Smith last week or a few days ago talking about Chip Kelly, the coach of the Eagles. And he has a theory that involves race. Kelly, the coach of the Eagles, and he has a theory that involves race. And, of course, Skip Bayless plays the white, ball-less punching bag and set-up man for Stephen A. ESPN has really fucking grown disgusting. Luckily, the hockey playoffs aren't even on ESPN, so I don't have to go near it that much.

But this is Stephen A. Smith, who takes himself way too serious. I don't have to go near it that much um but this is steven a uh smith who takes himself way too serious i like you know i don't dislike him i mean i met him doing jb smooth's uh show there whatever it's called four courses or whatever the hell where we talk sports at a restaurant and he was on when i was on and naturally he you know monopolized the conversation with his big yap was on and naturally he you know monopolized the conversation with his big yap but i you know i the guy i don't know i mean i i agree with him a lot of times but but there's that there's that black hatred of white people they they just can't uh a lot of them just can't hide it it's always uh it's a rigged game my rigged game but but this is his theory about why chip kelly is trading a lot of players who happen to be ever an american but tried to re-sign jeremy macklin yeah made a big big bold attempt to keep

him in philly what does it say to you mr smith that jeremy macklin chose to go to his ex here's the setup by the way this is all contrived okay this is like one of those reality shows they've attended reality but it's actually scripted here's skip Bayless throwing up a nice softball so Stephen A can get his controversial, you know, theory out there. And then it'll go viral and all that other horseshit. But Skip Bayless, the white, old white fella, complicit. Philadelphia coach, his first Philadelphia coach, Andy Reid in Kansas City. Can I say it? Yeah.

It's going to be controversial. Say it. Can I say it? Yeah. It's going to be controversial. You sure you want me to do it? Chip Kelly makes decisions over the last couple of years that dare I say leave a few brothers feeling uncomfortable. You can say that. No, you can say that. Just listen to Skip, the white guy. You can say it.

I was thinking it too. You can say it. You can say anything you want. And look at Stephen A. playing it up like he's going to get in trouble. Like it's such a dangerous thing for a black guy to be discussing a theory about white racism. Oh, yeah, you're going to get a shitload of trouble. By who? How's he going to get in trouble?

We're sitting there looking at some of the decisions that Chip Kelly makes. And I'm like, what's up with that? I mean, it just looks like you've got to be his kind of guy. And I'm like, well, Riley Cooper. His kind of guy, meaning white guy. Now he's going to talk about Riley Cooper. Remember Riley Cooper? He's the white receiver who got caught outside a concert using the N-word.

He was referring to everybody in there was you know and so uh he's still on the team and chip kelly's getting so this is steven's that's a beautiful black girl charming and chiming in she's at the table too and agreeing with steven a sm. Huh? So, wow. So unpredictable, huh? I'm saying, let's get beyond the system. The operative word is culture. The culture resonates with me more profoundly

because I'm looking at a Chip Kelly and I'm like, really? Now, you gotta remember, Skip, where did I work for 16 years? I mean, this is Philadelphia. You understand what I'm saying? I'm always in Philly. And I'm telling you right now, you got people walking the streets. And hell with it. You got brothers walking the streets going like this.

What's up with Chip? I don't understand. I was just in Philly. And the brothers walking the street, they weren't going what's up with Chip. They weren't even thinking about sports. They were thinking about Baltimore and fucking joining in. That's what I was hearing on the streets from the brothers in Philly a couple weeks ago. So shut up,

Steven. And I like how he said, I'm from, I was from Philly, you know, but I'm there all the time. Again, he's a showman. If he can throw that crazy theory out there, you know, mine's not that far-fetched about Tom Brady being the white face of a black league.

They don't like that. But like I said, Stephen A., I met him, and, you know, he's lucky. He has a lot of conservative views about a lot of shit, too. But, again, it's that black paranoia, you know? Whitey. It's got to be whitey. That's why Chip Kelly's getting rid of him. I'm sure the whole team's white. Right, Stephen A.? Wouldn't he get rid of everybody if he was...

Unbelievable. I really don't understand why you do it. Now, I'm not saying I know. But I'm just going to say... Don't backpedal. It does strike me as a tad bit odd. I'm going to repeat this. Gone.

Leshawn McCoy. Black. Jeremy Macklin. Black. You know, Deshaun Jackson, staying. Riley Cooper. So he just rattled off three black guys that are going. And Riley Cooper, a white guy who used the N-word a couple years ago.

Stephen A. can't get over that. You know, he's still on the team because he, you know, maybe he's not as smart as I thought. He really believes that certain segments of the population should be able to use certain words and other segments shouldn't, which is just fucking hilarious to me, the concept itself. But maybe it's a, do you ever think Chip Kelly, maybe, you know, maybe actually, you know, McCoy or Jackson, maybe they didn't have the work ethic or whatever. Whatever. Maybe it's money related, you know, contract related. But see how quick they are to throw that angle in there, the racism angle? You can't get away from it, whether it's sports.

Michelle Obama giving her commencement speech at Tuskegee. We'll play a few minutes of that later. Can't just, the victim mentality. Really? Okay. Hmm. Okay. Skip Baylor sitting there being the white punching bag.

Hey, you know, ESPN, they know what they're doing. You got to have something to talk about. I'm talking about it. But, uh, if you're going to have crazy theories like that, I got my crazy. Don't act like my theories are so crazy. God damn, it's hot up in this mother. It's hot. Yeah. So that's just hilarious, though, that he's calling Chip Kelly the coach of the Eagles.

Racist because he got three black guys and he kept a white guy. Oh, God, Stephen A., you are a beaut. I still want to see the racial makeup for the Eagles, and I'm guessing it's still predominantly black over white, wouldn't you say? And that would kind of blow your theory out of the water. And that'd be funny if a coach took over and just get rid of all the black players on the team and just drafted all white kids and they'd be 0-16 for the next 10 years, whatever coach did that.

Goodness gracious, hell if I can wheeze. I don't know. He gets me. Gets me going sometimes, Stephen. Girl, I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Sometimes. Sometimes. Where was I?

Oh, I was in a Pompton, Pompton Plains, doing a gig this Saturday, last Saturday night. It's kind of a good gig, though. These are the gigs, like I said, when I'm not on the road, doing an actual club. You know what I'm saying? I was home by 10.30. It was about a 55-minute ride. No traffic. I go over the Tappan Zee, shoot down 287 South, and bing, bang bang get there five minutes before showtime pull into the parking lot

run into the woods pee in the hotel parking lot i have it down and uh and then wander into the there was a prom going on uh at the hotel i didn't see any guy it was loud like loud music playing out of the function room downstairs i didn't see any prom kids It was loud, like loud music playing out of the function room downstairs. I didn't see any prom kids. I saw a couple of girls walk by. Probably all in their rooms, snorting coke and doing ecstasy. The only thing you're supposed to do for a prom is a dangerous situation. But, yeah, so anyways.

So, yeah, it's a good gig. They had a kid do 20 minutes in front of me, bring me right up, which is the way it should be, okay? I'll give you a little comedy tips. That's how every show should be. You should never have to sit through three or four comics, in my opinion. So, yeah, kid does 20, brings me up, bang out about an hour and five minutes, working on new shit, throwing stuff out there. Some of it lands, some of it doesn't. Show ends, run out of room guy's holding check i go right by him pull it out of his hand continue down the stairs into my car

onto the highway before those people even got their checks and home by about 10 30. It's a bit of a situation. Anyways, let's go to Michelle Obama. She gave a commencement speech at Tuskegee College. Why can't I say that? Tuskegee. Thank you. Tuskegee Airmen. But she gave the commencement speech and just filled, filled with, well, you'll listen and let me comment on it.

I just, I try to, I want to like her. You know, I try, I really do. By the way, I haven't been paid. I did the nightly show. Remember I did the nightly show with Larry Wilmore? The Comedy Central show that took Colbert's place, remember? Remember i did that show back in uh let me look at my book fucking pissing me off uh how about march 11th so what april that's two months ago don't have a don't have a check yet. Haven't been paid. 60 fucking days. Nightly show. Don't have a check yet.

Of course, Comedy Central is owned by Viacom, which is a multi-billion dollar multinational corporation. Or whatever. Can you imagine? It's like $705 they owe me. And it spends 60-something days. And here comes some more Nick DiPaolo paranoia. I was the only conservative on that panel that night.

I guarantee if I call the other three, guarantee they had their checks fucking within two weeks. I guarantee it. You know, I put my agent on it, and they go, oh, it's because it was his first time on the show. He wasn't in the system. Then they go, we needed some ID number. I gave them everything. I must have filled out 11.

It was like I'd taken out a fucking mortgage on a house in Pakistan. The paperwork, they had me fill out. But they're like, oh, it's on the way. So, you know,

it better be here by the end of this week or I'll be picketing in front of the nightly show. I will at least make it public on Twitter. That's how you treat the working man lefties, huh? Ha ha!

Sons of bitches. What the hell was I talking about? Oh. Michelle Obama, Tuskegee University, giving her commencement speech. The road ahead is not going to be easy. See? Let's start this beach with already. It's not going to be easy see let's let's start this beach with already it's not gonna be easy it's uh filled with white racism and uh they're gonna prejudge you and

it never is especially for folks like you and me uh that would be black folks it's never easy because it's it's it's very easy for white people you understand that and there's a lot of people who buy into that everybody on the fucking left all those assholes marching uh it's easy for white people like my brother my brother was handed to him my brother he didn't he didn't work for it oh you know my buddy the optometrist tony uh who worked uh double shifts in faneuil hall uh get home at three in the morning be up by seven to go to the library on my brother who moved his family around six seven times because he kept getting promoted at time one on cable it's easy for a whitey but uh not for people who look like michelle obama

that's the message there will be times just like for those airmen when you feel like folks look right past you or they see just a fraction of who you really are. The world won't always see you in those caps and gowns. Here's the mantra. Right there. That's it. That should be the national anthem for the United States. This kid right here. Fucking whiny. Fucking whiny. Fucking victim mentality. Life is tough.

And for you and easy for other people and white privilege. white privilege. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh. The road ahead

is not going to be easy. It never is, especially for folks like you and me. There will be times just like for those airmen when you feel like folks look right past you. or they see just a fraction of who you really are, the world won't always see you in those caps and gowns. They won't know how hard you worked and how much you sacrificed to make it to this.

As opposed to, again, the white students and the Asians and the Indians who just haven't handed to them. Right, Michelle? Don't get angry now. Or your seven kids. Or March and celebrating the shooting of another cop. they don't see you doing any of that. They're being white folk, by the way. This is all, you know, they talk about, you know, the word thug being like code.

Nobody has more code than Michelle Obama. We've both felt the sting of those daily slights throughout our entire lives. She talked like she grew up in fucking Alabama in 1940. Are you hearing this?

They're stuck. She's stuck in 1950. It's still 1950 for her in America. Folks who crossed the street in fear of their safety. The clerks who kept... Jesse Jackson did that, by the way, Mrs. First Lady. Yeah, he crossed the street. Remember he said he was relieved when he heard people behind him walking home late one night in D.C. and he was relieved when it was a bunch of white kids. Yeah, so we're not unique in that.

Close eye on us and all those department stores. The people at formal events who assumed. Keeping an eye on them in a department store. Now, why would that happen? I don't understand. Why would department store people do that? Just out of their hatred for black people? Is that really? Do you want to continue the conversation?

We were the help. And those who have questioned our intelligence, our honesty, even our love of this country. Well, your husband ain't helping in any of those regards. I'll tell you that much. but in any of those regards, I'll tell you that much. And I know that these little indignities are obviously nothing compared to what folks across the country are doing. Then why fucking bring it up, Michelle? Exactly. Why bring it up? Dealing with every single day. Those nagging worries that you're going to get stopped or pulled over

for absolutely no reason. Keep that myth alive. The fear that your job application will be overlooked because of the way your name sounds. Hold on. Name your kid up the drain cleaner. The agony of sending your kids to schools that may no longer be separate but are far from equal. Yeah, she got a point on that one. longer be separate but are far from equal yeah she got a point in that one the realization that no matter how far you rise in life how hard you work to be a good person good a good person for some folks it will never be enough again

that some folks would be white folks okay this is just uh cryptic racism graduates today i want to be very clear okay you're giving me a headache i can't listen anymore just the victim mentality just it hasn Just, it hasn't changed. It hasn't changed. Life's a bitch. Ain't it? Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? We're so gallantly streaming.

And the records red glare. The fucking whining that fills the fucking air. Kiss my grits, kiss my grits. Habits so tough. Anyways, kids. I don't know. Fuck! kids. I don't know. Fuck!

Hey, take it easy over there. What else going on? Phil Mushnick, again on the race subject. We like to kick around here with the show. Phil Mushnick had a great article a couple days ago about Delman Young. Do you remember him? I think he played for the Yanks. But he's a Tiger, Detroit Tiger, a couple years ago when they came to New York City to play the Yankees.

And he beat up a guy and yelled Jewish slurs at a guy, thinking the guy was Jewish, mistakenly beat some guy up. And actually, you know, I think he got a seven-game suspension. But, you know, it was, you know know considered like a hate crime and uh but phil muschnick who i love because he calls the double standards and all this shit like i do uh did an article comparing how john rocker was treated by the media and how they wouldn't let it go and he was suspended for 73 games i think rocker and and, and Delman Young, who's black, got seven. So it's such an unfair country. And nobody, none of the announcers, when Rocker went through,

remember he said a bunch of shit that happened to be true about the seven train in New York City, the subway? And it was all based on fact, by the way, and he didn't hit anybody. And, of course, he got, you know, just excoriated. And the announcers, every time, you know, Rocker played in the game after that, they always brought it up and talked about it and what a knucklehead he was and shit.

And Delman Young, they haven't mentioned a word in three years. Nobody brings it up. I just love Mushnick when he points that shit out. It's just so selective. The media is just so selective when it comes to the cherry picking. And that's dangerous. That's what creates this illusion that it's so one-sided and rigged. You know?

It just feeds that fire to what end, you know? Who knows? But good old Phil Mushnick's right there to point it out. How they announce it is such chicken shit. It won't bring it up. But when it was rocket, I couldn't shut up about it. Yeah.

Uh, the hell else that I want to talk about. Oh, what I wanted to talk about. Uh, Oh, uh, 12 angry Men.

Did you watch it, Amy Schumer? I told you to. The 12 Angry Men episode. And again, if you guys didn't see the movie, you should watch it. It was a famous movie, 1957. Lee J. Cobb, Henry Fonda. I think Jack Klugman was in it.

A bunch of heavy hitters. And it was about a stabbing. I think it was a Puerto Rican kid with a knife or whatever. Anyways, and it's 12 guys in a room arguing whether the guy's guilty or not. And they based. So Amy Schumer Show did a spinoff. You guys who was listening to this podcast are probably fans and probably watched it. But she did a spinoff where she was on trial.

We were trying to decide whether she was hot enough to be on TV. And it was a brilliant way of showing like how sexist, you know, and there is some truth to that, but not not like it used to be. But, you know, a woman has to be, you know, they won't won't put a fat tubby ugly broad on even if she has talent i guess that's the argument women are basically you know their worth is based on how they look and that hasn't changed much because you know why i still have a penis and balls and and like somebody said uh guys will be guys and girls are gonna be girls and you can't change that but there is you know there's a lot of truth to that. I contribute to that, you know. Somebody said when a guy looks at a girl,

they immediately throw them in one or two categories, you know, whether they would fuck them or not. I only have one category. I think I'd fuck them all. Even the chubby ones, sure. As long as they rinse. Who am I kidding? I'm married.

But I'm just saying. But it was a brilliant way to point out the double standard you know it really was and it was uh paul giamatti and jeff goldblum and i'll play the trailer for you i'm guessing most of you uh probably saw it but uh got all kinds of great feedback because i had like the main role. I got to play Lee J. Cobb. He was the character in the movie that was the last holdout. He believed the kid was guilty or whatever. I haven't watched it in a while. I saw it in 1995 myself.

And Amy would kill me if she knew that. Here's the trailer that Comedy Central did you know, did for this episode. Why else would she have that dildo they found in her green room? Hmm? You tell me that! That supposedly hot and f***able girl? Huh? The one she bought that was the size of a midget's fist?

Why do you need one of those if guys want to f*** you? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Let's talk about that! All right, let's talk about it. Let's get it in here and take a look at it you want to see the dildo he wants to see the dildo he's gonna see the dildo we all know what it looks like what are we gonna get from seeing it again i'm sick of it i've seen it 10 times i'm sick of it gentleman has a right to see the exhibits and evidence hildo is pretty good evidence no one will porker porker what's his 1981 god it looks like a femur i mean

why even make those things if women don't need orgasms that's science keep in mind uh you know amy wrote a lot of this stuff most of it probably that's what's so great about her man i mean she just she directed this too with this other guy they directed it together but she was giving me all kinds of you know hey you're the you're the dominant male in the at the room you know you're the alpha male at the table and and uh body language and and and giving me all really valuable shit but uh the jokes about her and her looks are just brutal lots of people have them talking about i have one hey hey what's the big idea what are you playing at oh bother it's my wife's it's a pink dildo That's John Hawks

Great act Me too Let's go, Paul. If anybody thinks that Amy Schumer shouldn't be on the TV because she's not hot enough for whatever reason, raise your hands. And what happens is, you know, at the beginning in the movie, like, everybody thinks he's guilty. And then the Henry Fonda character, who's the voice of reason, starts, you know, because he's kind of, he believes that the kid might not be guilty or whatever. And so that's what we do here in this at the beginning you know 10 of us think 11 of us think she's um you know not hot enough to be on tv and slowly the you know john hawks's character convinces or changes the minds of until i'm the last holdout but but that's what's going on here.

And those who think that she is hot enough? You're on board with a toad now? Toad? I wanted to f*** Natalie from Facts of Life. I did. I wanted to f*** her, and I wanted to fall asleep with my head on her stomach. And Amy is hotter than Natalie.

So, I'm sorry. But I'd f*** both of them. And I want to f*** Blake Shelton. Has the world gone mad? This girl thinks she deserves to be on camera? She's not a 10! Maybe you're not a 10 either. F*** you, man!

Now me and John Hawks are waving pink dildos at each other. Again, hoping some of you haven't seen it yet. I'm wasting your time. But in the movie, it was Switchblade, whatever was the prop. You really mean that? Do you really want to f*** me? Or are you just being a tease. So you just carry that around wherever you go?

In case the dildo-based argument breaks out? And that's that. That unbelievable we were i i don't know if i talked about when i get back from vacation we did that back in february remember i was telling you i stayed at colin quinn's apartment and uh because we had to be in brooklyn by like seven in the morning and uh you know he lives at the ass end of manhattan so i just slept there but i slept like four hours i was back and and then they had a van pick us up i think i told you i got in the wrong van and all that shit but we were on that set 16 hours two days in a row and i mean not just sitting around not like hanging out in your not like hanging out in your uh dressing room

waiting for your part to come up because we Because the whole scene takes place like in one room. So we were all in it. And everybody, you know, was in each other's scenes. So, I mean, it was, we don't, you know, it's show business. We don't work that hard. At least at my level. But you always hear about, you know, like shows like The Sopranos or whatever. Breaking Bad.

You know, the 15, 16 hour days. And that's what we did, man, two days in a row. And it was snowing and shitty and cold. And, uh, but it was a blast because Giamatti was just great. And how funny is he? You're going to laugh. I mean, he's still the, he's the best at doing that anger slash funny shit. And, um, I I'm just grateful that Amy let me be a part of that you know she's like we wrote it around you and your fucking anger you know i was almost gonna go on vacation i'm like i already booked my flight to saint barge and it turned out being the best thing i've ever done on camera acting wise it was a nice meaty role and and uh everybody on twitter

is like this i said to amy right after we shot it i go this episode is going to win something because it was just it felt like something special that took place you know and i told her this episode is going to win an emmy it has to or something so you know now i'm getting on twitter dipalo's going to be nominated for you know which i don't think so they i've been around long enough they know my politics not that plus is you know obviously you know if you're the academy or whatever and the emmys are on tv wouldn't you want giamatti a real name actor at the show but wouldn't that be funny huh wouldn't that be funny out of the blue for once in my freaking life that i even even get not you gotta you gotta get nominated to get nominated.

Like the, I guess the show submits your scene or whatever. And then the Academy has to, there's a ton of politics involved and shit, but that would be, that would be cool. I got to go to the Emmys with Chris rock back in the, uh,

you know, the late nineties. It was awesome. You know, it felt like I was in show business. Got to, uh, yeah, I get nominated for writing for a show. We all get tuxedos out there. You know, it was awesome.

Get all dressed up, get drunk. It's a beautiful combination. So, yeah, that was a fun two days. And then I remember at the end we got done. I got done my scene and uh she said john hawks was even tearing up watching me or whatever and who i love john hawks man and um he was the voice that raised it in the room and even and like i said giamatti goes hey he goes you gotta do more of this shit man

and uh you know i like i can do dramatic shit the the the even though that was a comedy sketch it's very hard when you audition for comedy stuff because it's a genre within itself it's it's if you if you're too goofy you come off looking like an idiot but if you're not goofy enough they don't see the humor and it's a real giamatti's got that voice I I we watched this at my parents house yesterday my old man was fucking laughing his butt every time Giamatti came on the screen my old man was crying at that uh my favorite line of the whole thing I'll tell you what she's a real what did he say she's got a real uh uh talking about Amy's mouth she's a real I can't what the fuck was the line about her having a filthy mouth anyways so funny I can't remember it Jesus

something about a who I don't know yeah so let's uh let's keep our fingers crossed I'd like to you know know, if the episode gets, which I think, I would think the episode would get nominated, we'll still get to probably go out maybe. Maybe I'm in, maybe I'm, this is a wet dream thinking on my part. And he's like, well, I'm taking everybody out there that was in it. What are you? But thank you, Shuma, for throwing me in that

and throwing me that nice meaty role. Pretty goddamn awesome. Everybody was fun on that set though i told you the guy from madman uh vince kartheiser whatever his name is the guy that plays uh pete campbell on madman kept making gay jokes and grabbing my ass and arm and shit making me uncomfortable you know i could file suit but i wouldn't want to fall into that victim way so uh yeah so when it was done we get done about midnight we're on the set at seven in the morning my scene didn't come up to 11 that night and like i said we didn't get done till like midnight and i did my thing in two takes i blew it on the first one which i knew i was gonna it's just it was just too much emotion but being on the set for like 15 hours and it's finally the

big scene at the end i was like fried so it was going to be easy for me to break down because i was mentally burnt to a crisp and um nailed it the second on the second take just friggin nailed it and uh it was awesome it was like fucking hitting a triple in the bottom of the ninth and um yeah and then that was over and then she brought out a thing of scotch. It's like real expensive scotch. And we all did like a shot. And then I got back in the van, went back to Collins, got my car. This is Rob Sprantz, the founder of Riotcast, sending me a message. Hey, Nick, got a show coming or can I start taking drugs?

The fuck's the rush? Let me reply to him. I'm replying to you now, you silly... You guys can listen to me type. I'll send it to him as soon as I'm done I send it off to you know

I send it off to Rob Sprantz and he does any post editing and what not anyways and then I get back to Colin Quinn's at whatever 12.30

jumped in my car drove to Westchester by the time I get home I was like I don't know 1.30 it was snowing like a westchester by the time i get home i was like i don't know 1 30 it was snowing like a bass it took me forever to get home good get home at like 1 30 whatever i just got dressed because i had a car picking me up to bring me to the airport to go on vacation so i just sat in my clothes with my backpack on my couch and stayed up and uh

that was that was great it's the hardest I've worked in this business for two days. Oh, for Christ's sake, Rob. I mean, come on, man. I thought I had the mute thing on. Anyways, so yeah, good luck to Shuma with that. Unbelievable job by everybody involved. And quickly, got to have dinner with somebody you might have heard of how about Woody Allen Bobby Slayton great comic who I love the pitbull of comedy you know who he is he calls me a couple weeks ago hey uh you want to

have dinner with Woody Allen and I'm like what and he explained he's got a real rich friend who i can't mention this guy's name because he's actually a controversial figure but he lives in manhattan and he's literally a billionaire okay literally an investment guy and um but you know he's he's he's been in a few scandals that you guys have read about. Whatever. But he lives in Manhattan. Anyways, look at this. This is who's at the dinner. Bobby Slayton and his wife. Jackie the Joke Man.

Jay Thomas. Me. Me. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi. Woody Allen and Sun Yi. How's that for a weird lineup? You know, you saw the tweet. I tweeted a picture.

But unbelievable. I mean, the house was just, you know, just picture a billionaire owning a, I guess the house used to be a school or something. Literally, it had an elevator in it, and the food was just tremendous. And, you know, we get there, me and Slayton and his wife, and Jackie comes, and Jay, and we're trying, and in comes Woody and Soon-Yi. And I love Woody Allen's comedy. I love his movies.

I love his dry, you know, I don't know, regardless of what you think of him, I think, you know, just a little bit of a genius, man. Here's a clip of Woody doing stand-up on the Jack Parr show. I think it was 1965. It's true that I was booked on the show around three or four weeks ago, and it's not my first TV appearance, but I was, I never joined before this AFTRA, which is an actors' union, and I had to join it to do this television program. And when you join the union,

they make you join. It's compulsory, a hospitalization plan. And it's a very funny plan, because it's like the Columbia Record Album Club, you know? They send me every month a list of operations, you know? And I gotta pick out six for the year that I want, you know.

And they remove from me a bonus internal organ of my own choosing and I get a Bach record when the whole thing is over. So I'm happy. I'm not, I wanted to use my minutes up here tonight to relieve myself of a sense of repressed hostility against the law. I have never had, this is true, any brushes with the law of major consequence. This doesn't count. This is insignificant. I was once sitting home in my house and some cars pulled up around the house and they shined in searchlights and I heard a voice over a loudspeaker say, we have your house surrounded. This is the New York Public Library. They wanted me to throw out a tale of two cities, you know, and come out with my hands.

It was a very bad situation at the time, a lot of smoke and everything. I was unhappy about it. Now, recently, fairly recently, I moved uptown to Madison Avenue and 77th Street, and it's a good neighborhood. It's a very nice neighborhood, and it's a fun place to live.

On my corner, when I first moved in, this is just one funny story, I have a drugstore, and a woman ran in. She was absolutely beside herself. Her husband had reached for the wrong bottle on the medicine cabinet, and had taken poison by mistake. And it's a funny story.

He was home, on the floor, like kicking, you know, and turning blue and everything. And it was a real emergency. She needed an antidote desperately, and it was a very tough situation. And it turns out the druggist was Alan Funt. For you youngsters, Alan Funt was the host of Candid Camera back in the day. But, yeah, so Woody's just sitting there. It was, like, surreal, man.

He's, like, 79. He's, like, my dad's age. And just small and, you know, I don't know. I was picturing him, like, in his 50s walking. I don't know why. But he's with Sun Yee. And we sit there, we're eating. And Jay Thomas exchanging stories. I guess he did a play with Woody a few years ago.

And Woody didn't remember. And then Jay was like jogging his memory. And Jackie the Joke Man, who has, you know, a lot of knowledge about show business, asked him about certain directors and editors And what he was telling us how he would he would when he'd make a film he to test it He wouldn't even wait till I was done He there was no music score and he tried to show it it like some theater or Times Square to a bunch of guys from Like the USO and it would always bomb he didn't understand how to test films

And he was talking about how great these editors some of these editors were and and how uh god i can't remember which movie in particular he had mentioned how an editor made it like 10 minutes worth of changes that saved his movie he said it would have been a bomb i can't remember which film it was one of his early ones but uh but he's talking about how brilliant some of these editors are and and then uh we started somebody brought up Louie, and I said to Woody, yeah, me and Louie are roommates. We came down here from Boston together. And he's, you know, he perked right up. You know, I love that guy.

He goes, I'm like, I'm trying to think of something else I can do with him that we could do together. I mean, imagine Woody Allen's, like, fucking loves your comedy. It's pretty cool. And I go, yeah, we came down here, like, fucking loves your comedy. It's pretty cool. And I go, yeah, we came down here, like, in 1989 to conquer New York, I said, and Louie conquered it, and I said, I'll be in Parmpton Plains this Saturday night. And I got a nice chuckle out of that. So, and then when we were leaving, he said, tell Louie I said hi. So he really, really likes Louie, you know.

Obviously, he put him in a movie last year. So American Hustle was the name of it, I believe. But it's so funny. I'm just sitting there. We're eating. And the food was tremendous. Angel hair pasta and another pasta with bolognese and fried calamari and all roast chicken perfectly and there was a butler walking around that looked like george takai like an old asian guy who didn't had the bow tie on he's just

pouring us wine and and uh a couple of uh you know hot looking maids i don't know if they're not maids i don't know what they are but uh you you know, guys is filthy, filthy rich. I mean, he had like a stuffed tiger, life-size tiger in front of his desk. But, yeah, so very weird. Sitting there talking with Woody Allen, kicking it with Woody, you know? I mean, anyways, Sun Yee, yeah, I don't think she dug me too much. I don't know why.

Like, when I introduced myself to Woody, I didn't see her, like, standing behind him, and then whoever else was next to me slighted and started talking, so I never really introduced myself to Sun Yee, and I think she kind of fucking thought I was an asshole, because then when we were leaving, I said, nice to meet you, Sun Yee, and she went, just like that. I don't don't know maybe i don't know what that meant i think it was a

korean for go fuck yourself giddy i don't know but uh how bizarre is that man what a lineup huh and jay thomas told uh if you guys who watch letterman jay thomas every year for the last 20 years comes on around christ Christmas time and tells that story. He tells a story about getting in a car accident. And he had the guy that played the Lone Ranger in the back seat. This is when he was doing radio somewhere in the Midwest. And they were at a car dealership. And the guy who plays the Lone Ranger was at the dealership doing a promotion.

And he had the full outfit on. And then Jay got high with his radio guy and they had to give the lone ranger a ride back to his hotel and somebody there had a red light and the guy in front of him for some reason backed up and backed into jay's car and took off so jay's chasing chasing the guy that just smashed his car and and the uh the guy the lone ranger's got his suit on he's sitting in the back seat just you know sliding every time they make a turn you just see the lone ranger's head going back and forth and not saying any anyways he tells the story and let him in all the time and and then he confronts the guy at the next they they finally

pull over at a red light or whatever and he gets are you smash my guy's like i didn't smash your car and uh and the guy goes uh who's uh uh the guy who hit jay's car goes jay goes i'm calling the cops he goes i don't give a shit who are they gonna believe uh me are you two hippies meaning jay and his radio partner who are they gonna believe you and and then just as he said that the lone ranger gets out of jay's car and goes they'll believe me and he still got the mask and the whole fucking outfit on and uh he's he's told it like 20 times literally once a year jay jay said letterman said you're gonna tell that every year for any and you know and he has or whatever so but uh and and jay thomas look very very he was very thin since the last time i

guess he got really sick a couple years ago and almost died but he beat it and he looks good now i mean but he's like way thinner i almost didn't recognize him but i i like him man he's got a wealth of knowledge man he was asking woody about all these directors and and all kinds of stuff and and uh you know bringing up jazz musicians, shit I knew nothing about. So I just buried my face in my angel hair. But it was quite an evening. Bobby Slayton's great.

He breaks the ice. Bobby's just Bobby. He's going, Woody, remember we did this? You had dinner with me about seven months ago. Woody's just like nodding. And then we had dessert and I look over, Woody's eating chocolate cake, and they bring him out a glass, a big glass of white, a big glass of, a tall glass of milk, like two glasses, like a little kid.

It was a nice evening. I felt like I was in show business. And, you know, I was on Amy Schumer's thing with a big part. And I was actually on Louie. I was on Louie this week, too. This past week, I should say. And then the dinner with Woody. Felt like I was in show business.

But, you know, then it's off to the hotel in Pompton Plains. It'll take you down a fucking notch now won't it anyways kids that's it that's all i get to say uh good talking to you again and uh like i said if you're in the rochester area this weekend on saturday night come see me and joey list at the main street armory uh yeah it's gonna be be great. And Sidesplitters, June 4, 5, and 6, I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. And Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant on the 27th. Love you guys. Talk to you real soon.

I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else. No, no. I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else.

I'm not like everybody else. And I don't want to live my life like everybody else guitar solo I'm out.