The Nick DiPaolo Show - 081 - Matarese

Episode Date: May 19, 2015

Matarese

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Yeah, you kids know what that music means. Hey, Joe. Hey, can either be one of two guests, Joe Lissa, Joe Mattarese. Joey Ramone couldn't make it. Hey, Joe. Hi, kids. How are you? Nick DiPaolo Podcast.

Monday again. Jesus H. Christ. We'll be dead soon. Yeah. Our guest today. And, you know, I have two two guests and they're both named Joe. It's Joe Mattarese, folks, of Letterman fame, of Fixin' Joe, of Joe's Cafe, of Joey's Tit Salon. Joey, what's going on, brother?

How are you, man? It's good to be back it's been a while yeah i just couldn't uh i got up today and i just couldn't i just i have a streak of depression i mean i can't do anything like i wanted to watch i wanted to eat popcorn last night you know i was watching mad men i couldn't even get off the couch i'm like fuck it how was the final i found some peanuts in the couch i just under the cushion i was you were eating yeah I dropped on the day before they're still fresh. Go upstairs and make pop. That seemed like an effort to me. That's that's that type of laziness is almost depression

and fueled. You know, I mean, you can't get out of your own way. That definitely is. Yeah. If you can't go make popcorn last time I showered day after Christmas. Was it microwave popcorn? I haven't even checked my levels here am i coming in good sound great you sound terrific you always had a good radio voice was it microphone popcorn you couldn't you couldn't go mike or was it like real like you got to put oil in a pan and oh

christ no what is this 1850 yeah i churn my own butter too for the popcorn job come on what are we an amish country that's how my wife makes the kids popcorn. She does it old school. I don't know why. It's fucking greasy. Does she really? Like greasy, oily popcorn. That's good for the kids' cholesterol.

And olive oil. It doesn't taste good. Well, what kind of oil would you rather? There's no way they use olive oil. They don't. Well, no. First of all, olive oil has a low burning point. Like, I'm getting a fucking email.

Your sister's tits. We're doing a show here. Who the fuck's emailing me? My agent to tell me he didn't get me another gig? Dink weed. Yeah, I know. Olive oil burns at a lower point. If you're going to use it, you should use, like, corn oil.

Corn oil, yeah. Yeah. Or the oil from your head if you're married to a fat Italian woman in her 70s. How are the kids, Joe? They must be, what, 20 and 21 since I've last seen you? They're the same age, 7 and 3. This morning was, this would make you nuts. My kid, like, sneaks snacks in the morning.

Well, he's a pig. And then he shoves them underneath the front of the couch. Like, I guess if I'm on the way downstairs. But it's like, I find gum under there. What do you mean? Oreo cookies. What, he hides them? He hides it.

He knows he's not supposed to eat. Get up at six in the morning and eat seven Oreos. Who's your adoptor, Alfie May? Yeah, it's crazy. He's a skinny kid and he shoves it. I'd rather him just be eating it than shove i find like and my wife's psychological help man it's what i went i was out of town for a gig and then i come home and i know the spots where the dirt is going to be i'm very ocd i like

it clean and i already know that's what we love about you yeah i already know on the drive home from the gig the house isn't going to be as clean as I want it. And there's going to be no food in the refrigerator. And I anticipate it. Now, wait a minute. Your wife is like a doctor. Yeah.

But when she's got both the kids and I'm not around, she falls behind. No, she's not Jewish. She's not Jewish. I always say that. Imagine just an ugly stereotype. Too? Like I'm Jewish? No. No. I always say that just because she's in medicine and she's a woman. She's behind. No, she's not Jewish. She's not Jewish. I always say that. Imagine just an ugly stereotype. Two, like I'm Jewish? No.

No. I always say that just because she's in medicine and she's a woman. She's Jewish. Is she an Indian broad? So the wife doesn't keep the house to your expectations. No. So I heard you hit her. No.

Oh, that's an ugly rumor. When you leave town for a gig and you come back, is it like- Oh, Christ. Is ugly rumor. When you leave town for a gig and you come back, is it like... Oh, Christ. Is the refrigerator stocked? If I go in to do a set at the Comedy Cellar and come back, it's stocked. Really? Oh, yeah. My wife's a little u-bots that way.

Yeah. Well, we got the two kids and she's got the full-time job. So I can't get on her. Of course. You should hire a Haitian. But I didn't even... She sent me a text when I was about an hour from home saying, if you're hungry, like get something because there's nothing here. And I already knew.

And I ate like, I ate like, I got like a bag of potato chips and a bag of pretzels and just combined them. That was my meal. Why didn't you just go under the couch cushion? Kids probably get a pork chop and some squash left over. Well, that's what I'm saying. This morning, like that's one of my spots that I know there's going to be dirt if i went out of town is under the couch i go right down there's a piece of fucking half-eaten raisin bread oreo cookie and like what the hell's going on out here

that's a joke coming home and gum really yeah jesus christ kids running a snack bar out of your sofa is he and he's not a fat prick? No, he's skinny. Watch it. Is that going to snap off? Yeah, don't play with that too much. That's what they call something rigged. Yeah, that'll fall off. So that's kind of odd behavior. Maybe Dr. Phil should look at the kid.

He'd be like, what's the kid's name anyway? Luke. Luke. Luke, you're hiding pork chops under your couch daddy touching you when he comes home from a road gig and i got one of those couches that has about an inch in the front well that's a dangerous situation it's you know so who the hell call some comedian called me and goes uh you do your Tony Soprano. He goes, Nick DiPaolo does one, too. He goes, yours is better than his. I go, yeah, but he's got me on Paulie Walnuts. Oh, Walnuts I can do, but that's more visual.

But you know who else does a killer Tony Soprano? Anthony Comia. Does he? Oh, my God. Nails it. Really? So do you. I mean, you do impressions, some of them in your act, right?

I do Tony. I try every. Well, any time during this interview a word comes up, like vacation, combination, I want impression some of them in your act right i do tony i try every every uh well anytime during this interview a word comes up like vacation combination i want you to punch it just punch it just do tony matt arese is a man of many voices well i had a bit that i because this relates to what i'm talking about my kid oh good because i had a bit about how i'm too nice that i'm you know i'm a very metagon italian yeah and so is my dad that's american folks american yeah but i need i wish i could channel like an inner tony soprano when my son

pushes on me like this morning when i find the fucking food underneath the couch you just pretend he's aj what would you say to them a little prick because when you some of the when you the key to doing tony soprano is youano If you're just mad it works If you're just like what the fuck It works I don't know why The fuck You put your fucking You're about to fucking pay for that restoration

Fucking hardware fucking leather With a fucking inch To fucking smear in the front You're gonna fucking shove shit under the fucking inch If you're gonna yell back off I'm trying to fucking shove shit under the fucking ink. Get back. If you're going to yell back off. I'm trying to back off. Holy shit. You're hitting the red.

Did I clip it? You knocked the fucking board off the. I fucking clipped it. Perfect. That was. That is right on the money, man. It's the inner Tony. You know how it is.

Because you're the same. Hey, P. Fucking Luke's hiding M&M's under the couch, no? That was Pauly. I get two dimes for that shit. Are you like me? As soon as you get done doing an hour special, like within a week,

you got a bit that you love that you wish was in it? Oh, Christ. Christ, yeah. It's like, oh. Fuck, where was that? No, all you finish, you come up with eight lines for a bit that was in this, but you're like, oh.

I had nothing for Tony Soprano, and I wanted to do something with Tony in the special somewhere. And then I, I didn't really have, I had to do an old bit. Well, you should have used them

like at the beginning in a sketch or something. You yelling at your manager, just a sketch in the cold open. I didn't even think about that. Yeah,

in the cold open. I know that's a difference. I come in as Tony. I'm a producer. Dead Tony. Yeah. Well, you could do a Silvio.

How you doing, hon? Herky jerky Silvio. I watched last night i watched three episodes okay i sat down to watch one and and i'm down here belly laughing my wife was like what's so fucking funny i go this is the funniest show in the history of television paulie walnuts when they busted in uh they took down a colombians in this little apartment. And there was money. Remember the dishwasher? But he got kicked in the fucking nuts during the fight.

Then the next day, what the fuck? The doctor says I have to have an MRI on my groin and balls. Pauly Walnuts got hit in the balls. Oh, he got kicked in the nuts. You've gotten an ultrasound on my balls for getting kicked in the balls hard. You ever get one of those? You did? Yeah.

I've had an ultrasound on my balls. Not on your balls? No. I've had it twice. No, Joe, they use it for other shit, you know. You got kids, they hit you in the balls a lot. And I had like a fucking little bump on my ball two different times I had to go. Because you were hit by your kids?

My son headbutt me once in the balls and and somehow a couple days later, I had this problem. This kid sounds like a psycho. Yeah, he is. He's hiding sandwiches under the couch, fucking heading you in the nuts. Get him some help, this little prick. I had a smoking hot girl in Westchester give me an ultrasound, and I was upset that she was hot. Where? I had an ultrasound.

You've had this too? I had an ultrasound, and it was a younger girl girl she was indian but she was good looking i say that like most indians on what town uh we did it right off the highway here on the tectonic parkway and i fucking uh the breakdown like no it's a what town was it what's was your sound? Do you remember? Probably, no, I think I did it at Phelps Hospital. They have a, it was, was that where it was? No, I don't know. I've never even heard of Phelps Hospital. What town is that in?

It's right down here on like Sleepy Hollow. Oh, okay. Right on the border. No. No? But I had the same thing. I had to pull, I had just like underwear on, and she was putting that thing right up by my. No, this girl actually had to do my ball sack.

She actually was touching your balls? Oh, yeah. Well, she gave me this big gauze thing to put over my dick, which I was like. What do you mean big gauze thing, Joe? You hear how he described it like it was a fucking sheet. They gave me a boat, a boat tarp to hide my cock while she was. A boat tarp. A boat tarp to hide my cock while she was... A boat tarp. A boat tarp.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Go ahead. So tell me more. I'm getting turned on by this story. That's how old I am. But I was like, you know, as a guy, at least if she sees your dick, it would be all right. But like she made me cover the whole thing.

And she just did the balls with the wand and the lotion. But did she actually touch the nuts with her hands? Did she have gloves on? Was it like she's making a sandwich at Subway? This is a while. The follow's on fire today Wakes up referencing I want to hear more

What does she look like? Big tits? Club foot? She's like a 10 Not like just kind of cute She's beautiful She was Latin Puerto Rican looking

With big tits Yeah, very hot Where? I think I needed an ultrasound On my nuts where this is like let's think this was it was when was hurricane sandy because it wasn't hurricane sandy but because this is the reason i know you get hit by a piece of you know my my son headbutt me in home depot when i was going to buy batteries because we they were expecting the big storm it was the hurricane before hurricane sandy when didn't we have two of them like back to back who am i fucking sam champion i don't fucking know well i wish they could have seen the blank stare in your face just

like i don't know it's got to be five years ago okay that was hurricane twat zone it doesn't matter joe i'm just saying the pot we should you off. I'm just saying I don't remember what hospital or where I was so you could go to the same place. Well, Jesus. You said you had a hot young broad touching your balls. Yes. And you're a married guy and you don't remember? No. I would have taken a picture and put it up on Twitter.

It was tremendously embarrassing. I used to talk about it on stage because you don't, no guy's proud of his balls alone. I got nice balls. i i got nice but my balls are better than my dick unfortunately yeah come on they are they're very soft i used to get compliments when i was single and dating on just your balls they love my balls they go they're so pillowy soft what i go they're downy fresh oh geez put them in your mouth my fucking balls are like fucking they're like fucking shawmin paulie i'm telling you yours are probably fucking rough mine are fucking smooth fucking rough

fuck that t i shave them twice in the twice a week no and then i soak them in bounty uh fabric softener that's horrible but anyway so yeah tell me more. This is like a good. This is like a fucking, you know what? A penthouse forum story. So, yeah. So, she was basically checking. I'm worried about cancer the whole time. So, I'm not like thinking this girl's hot. I'm worried.

Are you shit, man? I'm going to die. That's what I'm thinking. You know when there's a hot chick touching your nuts? Yeah. I could have been loaded with cancer. I would have forgot all about it. Really?

Oh, God. No, I was nervous, man. Because my brother said that. He goes, didn't you get it hard? I go, I'm too worried. Like, you got to be a psycho, like, sexual deviant to be like, oh, yeah. No, you don't. You just have to be a healthy guy who's been married too long.

So what? So, okay. So she had to be touching him. She was looking for cancer. What did she have, ice tongs? She said, where's the bump had to be touching him. She was looking for cancer. What did she have, ice tongs? She said, where's the bump? And I showed her, and she just went on the bump over and over. Did you say ice tongs?

Yeah, well, she was using fucking ice tongs, you know, like salad tongs. I'm guessing she did. She probably had, she just put, well, I guess she had to use her hand to put the lotion on. I'm sure she had gloves They don't do it bare handed They I would have been very sexual If she went bare handed

Can you fucking imagine She was without the gloves How you doing How you doing I don't usually go without the gloves But I saw your gray pubes And I

That's what I'd be worried about Right there I get gray pubes I do too My nuts look like Bill Russell's chin. That was a good one, wasn't it? Bill Russell's chin is great. Hey, we were talking about Polly Wallen.

Let's interrupt the story. We'll get back to it. I want to hear this. But there's no, that's the ending. Really? No. She didn't blow you or anything no you could lie about it on stage i would tell you no cancer she said i said how is it she said

no cancer she goes good news and bad news you have been let me give you the good news no cancer bad news you're less than average down there yes and your balls hang very low and long that's what i do oh no no but not an ugly way i'm like a great dane they're fucking you know i know mine i was not good i can't even believe my wife had sex with me anymore yeah she can't either but uh so that so you don't remember the hospital the doctor's name i'm gonna say mamaronek it seems like everywhere my doctor sends me is in Mimarinik. That's Joan Rivers' hometown, by the way. Yeah.

I, uh, what was I just going to say? Oh, I have a skin doctor. I have a skin doctor. I had, like, a rash on the side of my chest. You know, I have to work it out. So I go to the skin doctor up here near where I live. And, of course, I pick her out of the, you go online to make sure she's in your network of insurance first. And there was a picture of her.

She looked like Cheryl Ladd. She had a picture? Yeah. What was her profile? It would have been funny if it was 30 years ago, though. No, it set her age and everything. Really? And she's like two miles from here. I love Cheryl Ladd.

Yeah, for you younger kids who don't have swinging balls down your ankles, Cheryl Ladd was on the original Charlie's Angels. Still the hottest piece of ass. She was the hottest one. Hottest one by 19. Oh, yeah. Anyways, she looked like blonde hair, blue eyes. Kate Jackson was ugly.

Yeah, she had no lips. You got to have fucking lips. It's the first thing to look for on a broad is lips. I have no lips. Huh? I have none. Well, you got a handsome guy. You don't need a...

You're not a broad, last time I checked. Although the way that last story ended, I'm not sure. Listen, so I go to see this chick. And I go... First, a girl comes in, and she was in the assistant. I go, are you Dr. Salson? She goes, no. And she goes, she's much prettier than i am she mentions it right

i'm like i go oh i thought so and uh and sure enough she comes in mink you and i got some fungus like on my chest on my side that you know it's what do you call it uh i want to say ringworm which sounds so gross but it's just a fungus from sweating or whatever when you work out and you knew that i didn't know what it was okay but uh but anyways i tell colin quinn the story and i tell her tell colin how hot the doctor the doctor was you know and i go i was trying to write a joke but i go i wish it wasn't on my chest the fuck you know and he goes yeah cut he goes cut to you fucking billy gardell's yoga mat billy gardell's a heavyset guy from mike and molly and that's how you know sweaty yoga mats where you would get someone and then he said either fucking billy gardell's yoga mat or

fucking a pair of 10 year old moccasins that's qu, man. I had to hang up the phone and call him back. I was laughing so goddamn hard. He just says it off the top of his head. Oh, my. Bill Russell's chin's pretty good. Yeah, that one, I've used that on stage a few times, and you get the dumb look for, you know, the 20-year-old Asian girl

with no idea what I'm talking about. I once took a tour of the Grand Canyon, and Bill Russell was on my tour bus. I don't know why. I just remembered. They make him sit in the back? It was was on my tour bus. I don't know why. I just remembered. They make him sit in the back? It was alone. It was weird. It was the back.

This fucking nine foot black guy. I mean, he stood out like a sore thumb. He was standing in the middle of the canyon waving to you people. And he was taller than the fucking. Really? Bill Russell? Bill Russell. Yeah, I remember it.

I'm going. Are you sure it wasn't just a black guy? It's gotta be Bill Russell. He sure wasn't. How many it. Are you sure it wasn't just a black guy? That's got to be Bill Russell. Are you sure it wasn't? How many black guys look just like that and are 6'10"? What, are you kidding me? Fucking every mailman in Brooklyn looks like. It was Bill Russell.

You sure? Yes. I think he might have had something Celtics-like on, which isn't a good uniform. He had the uniform on. Let's get the uniform on. Pretty sure it was him. How do you know? Well, he had the number six.

He had the black Chuck Taylors on. He had the uniform on. Let's get the uniform on. Pretty sure it was him. How do you know? Well, he had the number six. He had the black Chuck Taylors on. He had the black Chuck Taylors. No shit, huh? Yeah. That's funny. So does Cheryl Lag girl? Yeah. So she tells her, all right.

Well, listen to this. Yeah, so I had to go back because you gave me some medication, whatever. The medication. Sorry. Don't say, that's what I want you to me some medication, whatever. The medication. Sorry. Don't say, that's what I want you to do. Every time that word comes up, I want that. And so, yeah. And she goes, then she asked me if I want to come back for, or her assistant did, a full body thing.

Which, here's my ego. This is how egotistical guys are and shit, you know. And she's got to be 15 years younger than me. But I'm like, she wants to see me naked. It's a whole body thing, looking for any, you know, cancerous whatever. Right. See, I don't want a hot girl in that situation. And I said no.

I forget why. I don't know. I don't know what it is about me. I don't want the hot girl in the doctor. It's a dangerous situation. I don't want them i don't know i'd rather have a it's like a girl a girl well you're gonna say now you're gonna have a joke on this but i would think most girls don't want to like a hot guy gynecologist wouldn't you say

they'd rather have a woman well i guess my wife's different it's like the opposite like girls i can't my wife probably never goes and like the opposite Like girls I can't My wife probably never goes And gets like When she gets a massage Somewhere It's not some fucking Muscular guy

She gets a woman To give her the massage Well that's what you're hoping You ever ask her Apparently you don't want To know the truth I've asked I've asked

It's usually a woman She doesn't want the guy I had to pick my wife up At a gynecologist once Because her car was in the garage A guy comes up Looks like Brad Pitt When he was 18

Are you serious? No I'm fucking kidding Excuse me Excuse me in the garage. That guy looks like Brad Pitt when he was 18. Are you serious? No. I'm probably not. I'm just saying. I didn't want the girl for the... Let me ask you about gynecologists because this is always bugging me too. Always going to bang out a bit on the...

You can't tell me they don't get into it for the pussy. I guess they get sick. How could they argue against that? Unless they get sick of it. Well, I'm sure they get sick of it. I'm sure they get sick But that's not the point When they went into it originally There's a million

Right If you're smart enough To be a gynecologist You can be a proctologist A tit doctor Throat, ear, eyes, nose But you went for the pussy I bet a gynecologist

Sees more Gross Gross pussy Than good pussy I know but Joe Think about it. Even so, how many thousands they do every couple years.

I mean, even if every 50th one is hot. Right. And this is what bugs me. I mean, when I met my wife, you know, when you meet your wife or your girlfriend or whatever, you know, you spend at least fucking, at least 700 in dinners and drinks the first few days. This guy, gynecologist throws 12 cents worth of candy corn in a dish in the waiting room and he's in like that the fuck out of here with that it always bugged me but my wife has a female i think she's had a female gynecologist

uh i'm pretty no she's got a guy because i asked her about it And then one time she goes well it's not like he can see anything Because your legs are up in the stirrups And there's like a sheet over the whole thing So then I brought that up like a year later I go well you told me they really can't She goes that's not true your legs are out I go what are you lying Then you lied to me like I made that up

She goes no they can see everything What about mammograms The gynecologist doesn't do that. The regular doctor does that, right? What, mammograms? Yeah. Like an x-ray technician. Technician.

That was close enough. X-ray technician. I was leading you on, and you did it. I was going to start throwing shuns on everything. Well, all right, let's listen to Pauly Walnuts. Here's a Pauly Walnuts quote. I was in the service. I won the chill-ups cup three weeks in a row. Fucking beautiful definition, too. Listen to Paulie Walnuts. Here's a Paulie Walnuts quote.

He's talking about the back of his arms. That's when he was talking to Tony when he was in a coma. I gotta go rewatch. Dude, it's the... To this day. I watch Mad Men. Were you a Mad Men fan? No. I only watched season one of Mad Men. And I...

Kids came in and next thing I know... I was gonna say, I don't watch anything anymore. I know. You got a life, man. That's true. But I watched... And it was good, I don't watch anything anymore. I know. You got a life, man. That's true. But I watched all that. But they, you know, and it was good. I like Mad Men a lot. But they get too cocky. The last few seasons, they do like six episodes.

And then you'd have to wait a year and a half to see the final six. And you kind of lost interest in it. That's all the shows. This was the worst. Hiatus. They went away for like almost two years. And I'm supposed to be Interested again Right

You know what I mean Did they make it like Two years went by Or did they try to Pick it up and act like Nothing went by No they pick it up Like exactly

The guy looks older Yeah exactly The daughter Is now 38 She was 11 The last time I saw her How am I gonna get past that But the last episode

Was good I liked it You know People get to Oh that was fucking You know When you love a series on TV, like it's on for six, seven seasons. It's never, it's never going to meet the expectations. People get too crazy.

Expectations. Now, wasn't there, I'm trying to think of best season finale ever for certain television shows. I don't know. There's some that were great. Breaking Bad was great yeah that's what i heard i didn't watch that one either man i stink i gotta catch up on that you got kids and a life and a wife i do i do a couple sets come home miserable well drive into

your house i heard a commercial at certain cable companies you can get the dvr that you have your dvr can come up on your computer and you can watch stuff oh yeah yeah I don't know how to do that yeah you ask your wife she's a doctor do you have that I have that capacity but I don't use it on the road right I'm too busy chasing fat waitresses after the show she goes hey you had a mediocre set show me a saggy balls I got a situation that I want to share with you you got a what Joe a situation that happened on the road this past week, and I'm wondering how you would have handled it. Is this going to get me in trouble?

Go ahead. I don't think so. No. Well, that's reassuring. Because I didn't do anything. Oh, I know what happened. You had a good set. No.

And the doctor that checked your balls out was working as a waitress at the funny... Go ahead. So, you got to know where i am to get the story i'm in louisville kentucky i don't know if you've ever been there i don't want to make people laugh in alabama or kentucky yeah there's i really don't whenever you know that's that's i know louisville has some good clubs actually that's a dumb thing to say it does there's more than one isn't there what club are you at uh there's it's it's well you do indianapolis right do you do morty's no no i thought you did indy all right i i i used to i no okay what's the one i did crackers i didn't do crackers what the hell was it i did one i don't

know what it was but go ahead okay well these this is a new club that opened in it's called the laughing derby laughing there's they own the laughing skull in atlanta yeah those guys those Okay, well, this is a new club that opened, and it's called The Laughing Derby. Laughing Derby. They own The Laughing Skull in Atlanta. Yeah, those guys. Those guys. So I'm in Louisville, so you need to know it's a little bit. It's one of those, it's like Atlanta.

You know, when you're in Atlanta, if you're in Atlanta, the people are kind of hip and cool. But if you drive five minutes, it's like fucking hillbilly land. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I find that true of a lot of even boston yeah i mean you go 25 miles no you know not my town but if you go 35 miles into like you're it's almost you know white trash a little bit yeah a little bit yeah so louisville had some real like white trashy scary sections on the outskirts and they put me up near the airport. So I had to drive through some of those shitty areas to get to the club. Wait a minute.

What do you mean drive? You rented a car? Oh, I drove to fucking Louisville. That's a whole nother story. Are you? Oh, see, this is what happens when you have a wife and kids. And you're like, fuck it, I'll drive. You do.

Because you're like, what's the rush? What's the rush? Right? I was relaxed Yeah it was a 12 hour drive You drove What are you a fucking Middelec from Iowa

What are you doing Because the flight was 850 bucks Well how about booking it A couple months in advance I tried I know they're ridiculous now You're right

If you want to fly direct From New York to Louisville It was $800 Yeah they're ripping us off Now if you wanted to stop somewhere Which makes it a 6 hour flight Why would you want to do that you're only going to louisville yeah i'm gonna stop to go to louisville i'm like fuck it i'll drive it's what's it like four extra hours and i have my car the whole week four actually wait a minute

you said it's a 12 i'm i'm thinking i'm thinking if it's six hours you got to get there an hour early so what happened so you going to ask me a question. So the other act was kind of, I would say, not really savvy with the ladies. But he was a cool comic, and he was definitely decent enough looking that he could get girls. And I go, dude, what are you doing? It's like I was his pussy mentor or something. I go, dude, what are you doing? You've got to go outside after the show.

Come here. I go, I saw two like stripper looking girls come in early i'm like they're sitting in the back there's no guys around them i go let's just go stand outside i guarantee oh look at you what a trooper joe mentoring go ahead yeah like you had no plan this i really didn't i swear to god i swear to you okay they don't want to fuck your hot nurse that's playing with your balls, your papers and strippers. What kind of show am I doing here? Hi, welcome to Fairgower. So the girls come by us.

They start talking to us. And there were some other comics around. And some of the staff was around. Yeah, but you're the headliner. We all start shooting the shit. And everybody's going to go to this bar right next to it afterwards. So they come with us. The girls were cool.

I give them credit. I thought for sure these were going to be the dumbest idiots because they were dressed overly set. They had heels on that were like five inches high. They're strippers, Joe. I don't know if they were strippers, but they kind of look like strippers. Well, yeah, five-inch heels make my mother look like five inches high. They're strippers, Joe. I don't know if they were strippers, but they kind of look like strippers. Well, yeah.

Five inch heels make my mother look like a stripper. Yeah. The girl had the back. The whole back of her outfit was open. It looked like she had a bathing suit on. And there was a tattoo of a cock on it. There was a tattoo of like a dragon on her back. Oh, Jesus.

Going up and around. She's a hep C case. Go ahead. Yeah. But they're knowing every comedy reference they know more about comedy than me and this guy comedians this is a home run they must right down the middle they're knowing yeah please tell me you at least followed one off i'm married so oh yeah i keep forgetting me too

so you're helping the kid i'm like you i'm just like all right i'm helping the kid i'm like what's the kid he's not good looking no i'm just like, all right. I'm helping the kid. What's the kid? He's not good looking? No, I said he's totally fucking good enough looking. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that part, of course. Yeah, he's fine. He's not into cock.

He was from D.C., whatever. He took a flight. I drove. The middle act flew. I drove. Son of a bitch. They don't care if they lose money. You got the button?

I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face i fucking love these buttons they're great so so you know i'm just like i'm enjoying the food i swear to god like the bar had great food all right all right so i was enjoying the food so here's what happens. That's where I'm at, though. The bar's packed when we first get there. I mean, it's like fucking jammed, which I don't like. Well, you have a great joke about that. Yeah, I hate it.

Well, tell the joke. You want me to do the joke? Yes. You know you're getting old when you go to an empty bar and you go, I love this place. This place is dead. It's my new hangout. It's true. I hate crowding.

Thank God there wasn't a cover because I would have not gone in if there was a cover charge. I don't care how hot these girls were and they want to go hang in this bar. Yeah. So we're sitting in a booth. It's a bunch of us and the two girls. And now as the bar's thinning out, as the night's getting later, it's feeling, I even said it to the girls. I go, this bar was all right when we first got here. It's starting to feel very like we're in the bar

from the movie Accused. And they get it. These are 25. Big Dan's Tavern, I think was the name of it. You know the name of it? I think so. Well, it happened in Massachusetts. It did?

Was that the Jodie Foster? Yeah, yeah. When she gets raped in the bar? Yeah. But they were real redneck-y, right? But that's what I'm talking about. Really? That was in Massachusetts, like Fall River. It was? Yeah, yeah. When she gets raped in the bar? Yeah. But they were real redneck-y, right? That was, but that's what I'm talking about. Really? That was in Massachusetts, like Fall River.

It was? Yeah. Okay, it's like, Jersey's the same way. Yeah. I grew up in Jersey. Sure, everywhere is. Jersey can get like, it feels like West Virginia if you go south. Me and Quinn did a college in Jersey, and we drove through cow country for a half hour.

Yeah. I didn't know. It was gorgeous. I mean, it looked like down south. What town were you i have no idea this is seven years ago yeah because i grew up in cherry hill if you go south between cherry hill new jersey which is like exit four on the jersey turnpike if you go from there down to the delaware memorial bridge every town is just like fucking scary yeah so what happened with a brush so the bar's thinning out and there's these redneck dudes. And like I said, I take the Selexa now for my anger.

I used to have bad anger. These fucking guys come over and they don't like even have the decency. What do you take? Selexa. I should be looking into that. Go ahead. Yeah. They don't even have the decency to like introduce themselves.

She's just fucking facetious. Now, have you ever... Back when you were single, there was always times where guys would take your groundwork and just fucking jump right in front of you and try to cock block the whole thing. Oh, sure. That's when I'd get in a fight. Yeah. So I'm wondering how you would handle this now as an older guy.

Because I'm... I'm not going to get in a fight over pussy. No. I'm married. I'm out. I'm married. Whatever. But this guy steps right in front of me. And I'm not lying. He fight over pussy I'm married I'm out I'm married whatever But this guy steps right in front of me

And I'm not lying he's about 4 foot 10 And we're outside now where you can smoke The one girl was smoking And this guy's fucking cigarette He's ignoring me completely His cigarette's about 3 inches from my chest Yeah that's passive aggressive bullshit And he's standing in front of me

And hitting on the girl And he's saying like real rednecky shit like she spilled a beer for a second he goes do you want me to lick it off off her toe right it fell on her she dripped the beer and i go oh man i'm like i don't even want these girls but i have this anger i'm on a bad line go ahead well there's like four guys they're all wearing like fucking ripped looking t-shirts. They're all fucking like they're losers. Yeah. And they're just fucking like. That's who comes.

I couldn't believe it because I'm waiting to hear like, hey, I'm waiting for them to say hi to nothing. They're just they just stand right in front of us and start talking to the girls. And I say to the one I go, we got to get the fuck out of here because my inner Italian is kicking in. I go, I'm ready to say something. And I don't. This guy might have a fucking box cutter. Like, you can carry weapons in Kentucky. You can carry weapons anywhere.

But there, legally. You should have it on you when you're hanging out with strippers with tattoos on their asses. First thing I do is get my monkey wrench. Fucking open this guy's head like a ripe melon. Just go like this. Can I borrow a cigarette? When he looks down, you get him right across the back of the head. Well, they were friends with the owners and everything.

So I was smart enough to know. I'm like, oh, okay. You can't do that. I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me right now. Come on. You're telling a story like Edith Bunker, for Christ's sake. So we left. And the girls went to their car.

And the other guy, I'm thinking the other comic's going to have enough game that he can go, I like, it's like I'm just handing him this, and he's too fucked up, he's smoking so much pot, like, that's the other thing, these young comics now. Oh, they love their weed. They'd rather fucking smoke pot, I think, than get laid. Yeah, you can't blame them, because they've been told the whole, you know, how old's a guy?

He was like 23, 24. Yeah, well, you know, fucking broads rather make out with each other now, I mean, which is not a bad thing. I'm just saying. It's a lot of work now, and they think their pussy is gold.

Back then, when we were hanging out at that age, a couple of shots, you ran like Flint. Yeah. But now they treat their pussy like it's diamonds. Well, he was into them

because even the next night, he goes, dude, I'm still thinking about those girls. And I'm like, dude, you had a fucking shot there. Like, we were leaving. You should have just gotten their car and left. So did the losers leave with them? No. We walked. I said, let's get out of here.

And the guys just, I guess they were just drunk enough that they didn't follow us into the parking lot and still try. Like, they gave up. And I wanted to go dude really you're four foot ten you like i'm sometimes you forget you're not on stage and you just start fucking throwing slam lines out oh yeah and then you and you also forget you fucking well with me i forget i'm 53 yeah that's true too because in my head i'm still 28 and i'm to have to smack this guy. Yeah. And then you remember, as soon as you raise your hand, you get bursitis. Even if I was 23, I was never like fucking MMA fighter. No, no, no.

But the booze, like when I was younger, if you had booze and you're drunk and somebody's moving in on pussy that you already put an hour's work into. If they were girls that I really was planning on fucking, I would have fucking got my ass kicked that night. I would have hit somebody with something. You could smash his fucking face. That's what you would have done. I would have. And then his friend would have beat the fuck out of me,

which I had happened to me once when I was younger over a girl that I was dating, like white trashy guys in South Jersey. Said some shit. I think I've talked about that on your podcast. And I said, let's get out of here. I pulled the smart move. And then my anger hit me in the parking lot. I fucked them.

And I went back in. You went back, yeah. And the guy beat the living shit out of me. I have bruises all over my head. He fucked me up. Oh, we've all had those. Yeah. So funny.

Seems like a good idea at the time. Not a good idea. But you never feel more alive than during a fight. The heightened, it's, you know what I mean? It's right up there with coming. They're fucking. And if you come during a fight, that was a hell of a fight. Depends who you're fighting.

Maybe this guy. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Speaking of Liberace, here's another stupid thing I did. Driving back from Louisville. It's a 12-hour flight. You stopped at that Liberace Museum? Now, my sister-in-law was worried about me because she heard my last podcast and I was talking about how I'll watch YouTube clips while I'm driving really far places like an idiot.

While you're driving? Yeah, I'll just glance at it. You're fucking nuts. I'll just glance. I watch Old Carsons. While you're driving yeah i'll just glance at it fucking not just glance i watch old carsons while you're driving the car yes behind the wheel yes how stupid is that do you hear this what kind of car do you drive i'm just gonna notify everybody 12 people that hear the podcast i have a toyota highlander what color gray uh gray toyota highlander uh report that joe's go you know you go report that Joe's got, you know,

you go by Joe's got his feet up on the dash watching Doc Severinsen. I watched an episode where Liberace was the lead, was the lead guest. Wow. You're going way back. And it was fucking funny, man. Hey,

was that's funny. You say that because Teddy Bergeron was a comedian in Boston for years. Real bad drinking problem. He was almost huge. He did the Tonight Show in the 80s when Johnny was still there. Had a killer. They still say it was the best debut ever. Right?

Yeah, I heard stories about this guy. And Liberace was on that night with him. No, he wasn't on. Or am I confusing that with Stephen Wright? George Miller was on? Do you know who that is? The comedian George Miller? Yeah. Yeah, he's dead now. Is he? Yeah, he died oforge miller was on you know who that is the comedian yeah yeah he's dead now is he yeah he died of cancer that was letterman's friend i could tell because this

he was bombing on he always that was his hook though oh but he oh he was on the tonight show bombing on the tonight show it wasn't letterman because i've seen him on letterman yeah because he's close with letterman he got him on johnny and that was his hook he had no hook that was his hook that he had no hook like seinfeld poor guy died of cancer and he was like a letterman would have him on you know three times a year because they were such close friends so he was on the tonight show of cars you should find it and play it and he bombed he's getting zeros on jokes for like a good but how do you know that maybe because you're driving you got the window down you can't hear the laughter i had the window up you did yeah you Maybe because you're driving and you got the window down. You can't hear the laughter. I had the window up.

Yeah. You're crazy. You're actually watching clips. I'm crazy. They're telling people not to text. You're watching 30-minute sets. It's like watching porn and jerking off while you're driving. I bet there's guys that do that.

At least when you get a nut off, you focus on the road. You fucking. There was some big, big murderous car accident where the guy i remember that came out in the news report he was watching his his ipad and he was masturbating to porn while he was driving and he fucking killed like 10 people and you don't have a 20 minute bit on that are you shitting me i just that was like really the first or second time i ever did it and i was like as i'm doing it it's like you said i get a high from doing the, I'm like, this is stupid. And your kids are going, daddy, come on.

George Miller's not funny. Watch the road. They're not in the car. My wife would fucking, seriously, divorce me if she heard that I watched that with the kids in the car. I tell my wife that, you know, every once in a while, I'll look down at my phone while I'm driving, you know, and she goes nuts. Yeah. She goes, you fucking, and then i'll leave to go to the you

know driving to the city and i do comedy eight minutes into the ride she's texting me something i think she wants me dead she she knows i'm gonna look at it yeah that's true i'm like just why don't you just call me why are you texting me if you know i'm driving if you know i'm watching a classic carson i tell her i don't text i'm driving. I've actually downloaded whole albums off iTunes store. I'm driving Two songs at a time. I also watched an episode of Leno on The Tonight Show where where Dangerfield was on like old danger. Oh, yeah He was doing filthy jokes that you could tell Leno was like making a look like I'm gonna get cancelled like I couldn't believe Really? Yeah, like one of the jokes he goes. What the difference between an hey what's it to rodney hey what's the

difference between an oral thermometer and a and a rectal you could probably know the punchline to that i do but do you know it the taste the taste leno's just like making a face like hell what a crowd hey how you doing ladies and gentlemen tonight on the tonight show johnny carson doc severton ed mcmahon the taste the taste he had like fucking seven blowjob jokes in a row i was like there's no way this aired. I'm like, this couldn't have aired. Well, it's funny you say that because I remember when I seen Lisa Lampanelli on with Leno and I was going, if I

ever, this is more of a double standard thing, but of course she was doing her filthy stuff, but she was doing racial stuff. You know, if you or I ever said it, finished. It's weird. And she was, you know, and said it, we'd be finished. It's weird.

And she was, you know, and Jay was his sister. I couldn't believe. Look it up. And he didn't look sheepish. Play it. Come on. Play what? Rodney.

It's an old Rodney. During the show? What do you think? I know what I'm doing? You saw me try to set up the show here. You know how you have YouTube, right? You just put in Rodney, Jay, Tonight Show, Jay Leno. No, I don't.

I'm going to do that. Everybody who's listening go go watch this set yeah yeah watch it while you're driving with your kids which was can segue us into the norm mcdonald set you wanted to talk about norm mcdonald letterman uh i have always first of all norm's my favorite comedian i that says a lot because you're one of those guys that, well, I have a high standard, but you haven't. I love them. From the first time I saw, and then on Weekend Update, but first time I saw a stand-up, even, you know, that baby face, but he had that evil, dark jokes and that, and he thought I was so funny. He stayed in my apartment in L.A.

I didn't even know him. I don't even remember where we met. I can't remember who introduced us. Colin, obviously, probably. But there's a knock on my door. This is when I first lived in L.A. Hey, how's it going? He comes in.

I was thrilled. I mean, this is when he was really famous and I just met him. I miss those days. That was one of the fun things about being a young comic that we would get really excited to see these comedians we watched on TV when we were younger. And you're like, whoa, I can't believe I'm here with him. Yeah, I can't remember. I probably met him before that a few times, but then he stayed in my apartment for like a couple of days, like a ghost. And then he was gone.

And yeah, I just love, he makes it look effortless. And he's just so goddamn funny. Oh my God. A little bit of a genius, in my opinion. Definite genius. I mean, just so goddamn funny. And a few years ago, I wanted to, you know, when I was trying to get into radio, he's like, I'd love to do a radio show with you.

Yeah, I'd be, I love radio. Hey, I'll be in New York next week. He comes to New York, I call him, he calls me back. Like, never talk to him again. Like I called, he wouldn't call me back. Really? It's like, he's just, anyways, he's really eccentric and a little cuckoo. Geniuses always are a little.

He's out there but that letterman said that final set i'm sure most of you folks have seen it if you listen to my podcast but it was so perfect it was it was so funny because i was sort of fantasizing if i was on you know the last few weeks which i'd never be but i had i wanted i would have said that i already had this if i got to do panel with Letterman again, I would tell him where I first really fell in love with his. It was like the Mike Douglas show. You know?

You remember it? Yeah, talk show in the 70s. And he did a joke. He comes on and he goes, yeah, I had a real, I had a weird. It's not my favorite joke, but it's one of the jokes he did. He goes, I had a weird childhood. My dad used to tease me with the power tools. That was the opening joke and then he said he was supposed to get the gap in his teeth fixed but they spent it on lawn furniture his parents spent the money on law you know i was belly

laughed real dry shut yeah and and uh so i knew him before yeah i mean i knew of letterman before he actually got the talk show right and then you got the talk show on nbc on it like 10 in the morning remember that's where it started i was a sophomore in college it was 1982 i think and uh i loved letterman so much i skipped my sociology class i only went for the tests really i went today i went to a couple classes and then letterman came on at that time i skipped every day to watch letterman and just did that and i ended up one of the few courses that i aced because i love sociology i was like good at it right i remember the professor and everything i'm so dumb i don't even know what sociology i don't even know what it is now either

but it was uh multiple uh i don't know but i did well in it um it's about you know whatever um so he so uh yeah so uh anyways but norm uh you know norm was just perfect he came out and he was classic norm with his stand-up that was i i knew he was going to be a guest but i didn't know he was going to do stand-up i thought he's gonna do a panel so i was thrilled when he came out and did stand up he went see i only saw it on youtube does he just walk right out there as they introduce him and do stand yeah okay yeah yeah which which i surprised the hell out of me and he just makes it look so easy he does hilarious set right just all that stuff about germany was hilarious and and uh so and and then and he does the thing at the end where he

gets all broken up and he couldn't talk i mean he was he was really broken up about yeah i had never seen him get like that it It came out of left field. Me either. Whoa. Me either, because he's kind of like Letterman. He's like emotionless. Yeah. But it's so funny.

I talked to Quinn on the phone call, and he's like, God damn. Quinn was like, I go, do you see Norm? He goes, yeah, what the fuck? He goes, I was talking to David Spade. I think he said he's talking to Spade. He goes, you know, I said to Spade, you know, he hung out with us for years. We're close friends. Never show that emotion.

Then he shows all that emotion for that heartless bastard. It's true. It's true. Letterman didn't even care. No, exactly. He's like, what are you doing? He's such a cold hearted, you know, just like an only quid would pick up on that. It was belly laughing.

But yeah, so I loved it. It just, I loved it. I absolutely tweeted right after It was perfect it was sentimental And it was heartfelt I tweeted that also I said genius And just perfect Stupid me I spelled genius wrong

In my tweet The one word you want to not spell wrong You were probably driving on a highway while you did it right Tweeting with your feet Yeah You were probably driving on a highway while you did it, right? Tweeting with your feet. He introduced me in my first TV appearance. You blew it. I did blow it.

He introduced me the first time I ever did stand-up on TV. Who did? Norm Macdonald. Last Comic's name? No, isn't it? No. I'm old, dude. It was MTV.

When you did Spring Break, they did comedy down at Spring Break. yeah and norm was like on saturday night live then so he was like the celebrity host and they did a whole bunch of different three yeah three comic like stand-up shows yeah and he gave me a fucking mean funny intro that i didn't see coming and it fucking threw me off i think i've told this on your podcast no you didn't he said this next guy it me off. I think I've told this on your podcast. No, you didn't. He said this next guy. It was great because I told them, to make it even funnier, they asked me what they want the host to say and then I wrote something down. I just said, say he's a young and up-and-comer from New York.

Because it's the worst feeling when you're a new comic. You have zero credits. I don't know what to say. Say young and up-and-comer from New York City, Joe Myers. Well, I like everybody does. I should have. Young comics today comics today i go yeah tell him i went on tonight show 11 times and i have my own i was one of those guys though i was always afraid me too then you get called out on it yeah yeah so uh it's called honesty it's a horrible trade yeah so norm goes uh this next guy's 25 and i saw him the other night you give him two more years he'll be 27 that's my intro and I walk out and I hear the crowd like they're all like

they're all spring breakers so they're like what does this guy suck oh good for him he goes he's just starting out that was the other thing he said before he said that line which is not what you want no you don't want that then they fucking it made me mad and it was so funny that i couldn't hold it against him i was like that's just funny though we actually have i think we have uh what was it on mtv spring break spring break how old are you i was uh i was about 20 i was probably about 27, 26, 27. We actually got the audio. This is Joe.

Spring break. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now, what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? Full speed ahead. I was expecting Liberace to have funny gay jokes. That's why I wanted to watch him on The Tonight Show, and he doesn't. He's serious. Well, he wasn't out then.

I know. He was a big farce. You saw the movie, right? No, because I probably should go watch it. Jesus Christ almighty. It's my favorite. It's a good movie? Matt Damon and Michael Douglas were so good.

Really? They were so good. Really? They were so good, but it's still, to me, it's like a two-hour SNL sketch of them making fun of Liberace. It's so gay and over the top, and they were great. They were great. I'm just saying. I mean, those are macho guys, Damon and Michael Douglas. I mean, he's my favorite actor of all time.

I'm belly laughing. My wife's going, what are you doing? This isn't a comedy. I all time it's i i'm belly laughing that my wife's going what are you doing this isn't a comedy i go it isn't look at this shit i was fucking belly laughing it is so good tom papa's in it too oh yeah yeah you gotta you gotta watch it it's one of those ones it's like i don't know if you consider it a b movie but it's one of those it's in my top 10 i you know every every year i'll watch it a couple wasn't it critically acclaimed like it wasn't a critically acclaimed like it wasn't a piece of shit no it wasn't a piece of shit that's what I'm saying they were great in their roles but I'm just saying to me if at some point you're like this is a good movie then two

minutes later this feels like an SNL sketch they're laying there making out you know leopard skin underwear and shit I'm trying to figure out if Liberace was out because I'll tell you this is a later tonight tonight show like Carson's got white hair George Miller's a little old yeah and uh and Patricia Patricia Arquette was one of the guests and this is when she was on what was that movie with Madonna she was in oh fucking uh you know Susan something yeah desperately seeking cocaine I think that's what she... She was really young and flirting big time with Johnny. Who was? Arquette? Yeah.

She was hot. She told him he had a nice ass. Which Ar... What? In her interview, she said, told Johnny he had a nice ass. In the interview. Which Arquette? Patricia Arquette, not Rosanna.

Not Rosanna. Wait, wait, wait. Rosanne. Maybe I mean Rosanne. Yeah, I think Rosanna. Okay, that's who I mean. She had the pits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't tell in the Rosanna. Yeah, I think Rosanna. Okay, that's who I mean. At the pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You couldn't tell in the interview. Of course not. She's wearing a suit of armor. I'm wondering if Liberace was out back then, because he came out and he had glitter all over his hair. And Johnny goes, you got glitter in your hair, right? No, he wasn't out, because even when he died, even when he died, his spokesman came out, played by Dan Aykroyd, and said he died because of a watermelon diet that he was on in some other. Really?

Yeah. So it was all, even his book after he died said, you know, in the love of my life, it was some figure skater. I forget who it was. Did he die? Sonia Henning. Did he die of AIDS? He didn't die of AIDS, did he? No, he died of dandruff, Joe.

What are you kidding me? I didn't know this. Guy was gobbling goo fucking a quarter of the time. You got to watch the movie. Okay, I got to see the movie. If it wasn't AIDS, it was the worst flu I've ever seen. Glitter in his hair. Oh, God.

You got to watch it. You got to watch it. I'm watching it. There's so good in it. It's really... I'll get my son to watch it with I'm watching it. There's so good in it. It's really... I'll get my son to watch it with me. Michael Douglas, who's macho, you know, still looks good at 70, whatever. Still a handsome guy, but he's nice.

I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern. That's Michael Douglas. This is Michael Douglas? Doing Liberace. Perfect. I'll tell you what, when he played the piano in that set. It might be actually Liberace.

When he played the piano in the set I watched on The Tonight Show, he was so good at the piano. Unbelievable. I could give a shit about someone playing the piano, but I actually was going, this guy can fucking play. Yeah. When I was a kid i mean i used to watch merv griffin you know because he had comedians on but liberace you know and merv was we turned out he was a big fruitcake you don't really see that anymore now you think about it a guy that's so good at an instrument that he just plays it and that's it like really you ever see

greg rogale play the trumpet i'm trying to think of other guys like who was a guy like uh you had uh prince no who can play like 27 inch no but a guy who's like like when we were young bb king you had like roy clark he was just known for the guitar and bb king who just passed away but bb king you think he he was known for his his singing he wrote songs. I'm just saying a guy that came out. No. He was known for his very unique blues. Right. Right. I know you mean.

But that's like just sit down and play an instrument and like good night. That's what I do. Like who was the drummer? Buddy Rich. Buddy Rich. You don't see that anymore. Thank God. No.

Did you know Buddy? Go ahead. I watched the sinatra documentary on hbo did you see that the four hour i've seen about four of them i i think that was it there's a new one on hbo it's like a four hour documentary two parts yeah i was watching it with my dad and i didn't realize this but i think it was at some point in that documentary where sinatra singing with harry james or whatever the orchestra and myatra's singing with Harry James or whatever, the orchestra. And my dad's like, yeah, that's Buddy Rich on the drums. I had no idea.

That was a terrible story. That was a great story. You and your dad. No fucking strippers. No kids. That's a nice, clean story. My dad cried at the documentary, by the way. Why?

Your dad cried from what documentary? My dad loves Sinatra. It's the only thing that makes him cry is Sinatra stuff. He's obsessed with Frank Sinatra. He was crying because your kid fucking hid six pounds of Funyuns under the couch cushion

and making his eyes water. My dad would cry more over just dirt under the couch than fun oh is that where you get it yeah my mom and dad are pretty clean very my mom's insane pretty clean insanely clean he said like they had drug problems they're pretty clean now yeah i talk about it in my one hour special that i just taped and i'm afraid my mom's gonna be upset i wanted to ask you about that how did that go joe talk about the one hour. Where did you tape it?

I taped it at the Village Underground in New York City. The Comedy Cellar. The Comedy Cellar Village Underground, yes. I taped it there where Robert Kelly did his. Yeah. And it went over really, really well. How many did you do? I did two shows on a Tuesday night.

Did you fill them both? I filled them both. Did you really? Yeah. How'd you do that? I filled them both. Did you really? Yeah. How'd you do that? I had to pay somebody. So what? What do you mean,

a publicist? No, I had to pay, people that, we had to fill them with free tickets, you know, with a,

you know, these people that in New York City, they know how to fill audiences for tapings. No, I don't, but tell me more.

Seriously. You look like you have a button ready for my story. No, I'm looking for the Tonight Show music. Seriously. You look like you have a button ready for my story. No, I'm looking for the Tonight Show music. It's fucking gone. You lost it? Yeah. That story you told was so bad, it fucking ran off the screen.

Well, basically, on a Tuesday night, I sold tickets. Why? I wanted to come on your podcast like about two months ago and we never were able to sync it up. I know. Schedules. I had shit going at that time. But I, uh, I sold tickets up until a month out. And then the last month, the audience person that I hired.

How long were you selling the ticket? Um, I sold the tickets for three weeks maybe. And then, then, then the lady needed four weeks to fill it okay so i had to shut the ticket sales down so what do you mean she had needed four weeks i don't know why she needed that time to get organized because you don't want to overlap it with the people that are it's complicated she wasn't a publicist though not a public but she no what she does for a living is fill comedy audiences like she's done everybody's special fill in the audience. Her claim to fame is she did Patrice's special.

That was like off the charts. Great. The elephant in a room. Wait, wait, where did he do that? He did it at a theater somewhere in New York city. Was that for comedy central?

Yeah. Yeah. Cause I wanted to be, how'd you find her? My manager recommended her. He knew her. Rick Dorfman knew her oh okay yeah so I was I wanted to be specific and you're probably the same way when you do these specials I'm like listen I don't want fucking 20 year old people from fucking

Guam showing up like I want can you make it that I want the crowd a little older yeah whites only no no come on don't be stupid i want i wanted parents as many people that had kids because i was doing a ton of kid stuff and i got a little pissed the first show oh she she can't they can't get that specific can they she could graphically she could well here's the thing, all right. I want it all strippers from Louisville. Struck on. I could get kind of specific, but what you could do is go, all right, you can't fill the whole place of parents. Hey, fill the front two rows with, you know, as a comedian, don't you like looking at your demographic when you're performing? I can't get that specific. What are you kidding me? With two rows of people?

It's not that many. It's like 15 people. Yeah, but when would I do that? At the special. You tell her. I go put everybody. I'm not looking for parents. I want all parents for me.

I did it up at Foxwoods. You know? I got about 450 people in there. Right, and then you did your second one at the... Then I did the small, 260 260 seats You know at Acme Did you have any Specifics No they loved me

In Minneapolis But you didn't care What age group showed up Nothing Fuck no I didn't think that was Even possible to be honest with you But no

Not in Minneapolis I mean I sell out there Right I was just there A few months ago Four out of five shows Right Sold out

Cause I know like comedians That have gone to do The Tonight Show And then they find out Five minutes before they're about to walk out there's a the entire audience is from fucking purdue university and they're all college kids yeah well a friend of mine had that yeah well when i did kimmel you know they literally hand out tickets on the sidewalk on hollywood boulevard but that's fine but imagine that whole... That isn't fine. But imagine...

I get out there, I see an 80-year-old Asian woman sitting next to an 18-year-old Puerto Rican girl next to a 400-year-old white guy. Yeah. Full Indian with a full headdress next to a fucking hippopotamus. There was nothing. They didn't have a common thread running through this audience. It was just like... Because they're just dragging them off the fucking street, literally.

But I sort of see your point. But that's kind of what this audience coordinator did. So I tried to say, you know, because she sends a questionnaire out. She has a huge mailing list from doing all these. It's a genius career that she's chosen because I don't know who's her competitors. Would you have to pay her? I don't know if I should give her a price. I think I got a deal and it was $4,000.

Not a show. For the night, four grand to it was $4,000. Not a show. For the night, $4,000 to do two shows. To pay her to do that. And I sold a lot of tickets, so she didn't have to fill every seat. Yeah. But I had investors, so I wasn't paying any of my money. Charles Schwab? What are you talking about?

Well, this was great. I had two Italian guys that I know invest. So the whole first show, I'm not lying. Interesting. Dude, there's about 80% Italians in the taping of my first show. Was this one of the Italians? Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess

I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? Go ahead. Sorry. He was in the front row. So yeah, two Italian have a vase go ahead sorry so yeah two italian investors two italian investors i'm getting nervous because one of the italian investors they both of them came in limos from two different one from jersey other guy was in greenwich with like a fucking ton of people in their limo what do you mean investors they paid for your special yeah and you have to what they at eight percent you're gonna pay them back what um all the the money

comes go after they get paid back for what they invested yeah they get a percentage of the sale also sounds like you really took in the ass on this one joe whatever it doesn't matter i don't think so how did it go you so you killed i didn't i would have never had any that much money to shoot a special nonsense so so so you killed it went really well yeah yeah like i said the first show that i'm going through the editing now with with the guy going so hard to edit because you're like who's editing for look well my manager has a production company and they kind of are producing the whole special. Rick Dorfman. So he'll take whatever scraps are left.

Actually, he's not double dipping. He's not taking a percentage as a manager. His production company gets a percentage also. Is he going to shop it around? Yeah, he says he is. Okay. All right. But it went good.

It went well. So now you've got to edit the two together, and you go, all right, which jokes work better, which show? It's kind of hard figuring it out. I know. I did it. You know. I used audio engines, you know, in the village. That's what they're called?

Yeah. Audio engines? Yeah. I think that was the name of it. Yeah. David Tell used them. So I drove it in and out of the city for months, you know, editing. But it was awesome.

It was like Mad Men. They had a tray of booze in there every time I went in really yeah so seven o'clock we were sloshed how did you start the editing process or did you listen to the audio that doesn't make a good radio i know but whatever how did i i brought it into them uh brought this you know we watched on big screens in a sound room that was built for this shit you know right and i'd say right there i want that i want that and i want that from that show i mean it was a ball buster it takes forever takes forever it did it it was the hardest and then we had sound problems and shit yeah which slowed it up even more my thing didn't come out till christ a year after i shot it yeah that's what that's my fear also

man it's all right by the time it comes out you're sick of the material when when did you start trying to write a new hour? Like when you started selling it? I was already on it. You were already on it. Oh, yeah. Luckily, and I've said this on my podcast, as I'm getting older, I can't remember the shit anymore.

Right. Like the shit that's on that album. Oh, yeah. I couldn't remember it two months after. Yeah. I'm making, when you're younger though and your mind is a little sharper you always dip back into that proven shit well that's what i was gonna but i can't anymore so i make stuff up which is actually conducive to putting out a new hour

every 18 months or for me it's a couple years that's probably what i should do because i have the problem of okay i just taped it two weeks ago yeah and now i have gigs i can't show up i don't have a whole new hour i just did that hour no i know when do you get rid of it you got to make a conscious effort to get rid of it i'm trying i don't know how six new ideas that i have well then you got to play with those on stage you know it is you can't be afraid to take it in the face every once in a while. But that's what I'm saying. It's easier for me now because I can't remember the shit.

Right. I've started to go into a bit. I can only remember like the closing bit about, you know, eating pussy and getting throat cancer, Michael Douglas. That's like the only bit I can remember from that album. And there's a, you know, so it forced me. And I had a lot of tidbits in my notebooks that i hadn't developed you're gonna really be resourceful everybody works differently but then i work it out on stage you know you you wing it on stage come home and listen to it right you know that

that's how it's done it is a painful process right after you put an hour away especially if you once you put it out it's you know you don't want to be seen doing it again yeah i think a lot of guys do the same shit over and over again but it hurts your career i got another question for you yeah i asked a few comedians about this because this this took me a day to realize that i did it what i completely forgot two different lines that set up the jokes and did them without it and it i'm like what the fuck like you don't have a director when you're a comedian there's no i didn't have a guy there going you blew it i definitely did because it makes the joke funnier like i'll tell you and one of my friends one of my friends is not a comic

ghost dude but it's understood when you don't if you didn't say the line it's understood sometimes it isn't sometimes it isn't depends what you're talking about but i said to him as a comedian understood doesn't matter sometimes jokes need a rhythm and if you take that out it loses the line that gets a laugh to set up right but he's right too the audience doesn't need that rhythm they don't even know there's a rhythm well i'll tell you so it was it's knock knock and it's right it's not that's the part i forgot. I forgot the who's there part. I just went, knock, knock, two fat bucks. Come in. No, go ahead.

And it was my opening. It's right at the top. You had nerves. You had a little bit of nerves. I probably, but then how do you forget at the second show when you're relaxed? That's just being Italian. It's stupid. Go ahead.

It really is. And you blew it. I blew it. You blew it. Go ahead ahead so what's the joke so i come on stage and i say uh something in the line of how you know that i like a crowd with kids i go because they're i go we're the best you know we're thrilled to be out i go it's and the line that i forgot yeah is the setup for the joke which is i go it's really easy to have a good time once you're a parent. All it takes to have a good time is to, oh, I'm fucking it up here on your show now.

I'm getting nervous. Wow. You got a hang up about this. I think I do. Do you ever have a joke that you have a hang up on? I think this is one of them. I go, it's really. I do.

It's really easy to have fun when you have. Do you want to hear it? Seriously. I have the clip of me fucking it up. Are you serious? Yes. This is me fucking up one of the jokes in my special. Yes.

Come on. I am. All right, I believe you. I know you're lying. I'm a professional. To my own work. To my own flesh. My own flesh.

It was supposed to be... But I said Go ahead That was I did that at the Funny Bone by the way In Atlanta That was a clip

How'd that go? Oh Ripped the tits off the crush Real right leaning group Go ahead So basically The line is It's really easy to have a good time once you have kids all you have to do is not be with your kids and then the second line is uh as soon as you walked out the front door tonight you were like fuck are we in the bahamas and i go

i go no your wife your wife's like no you're still we're still on the front porch i go we need to come here more it It's really relaxing. That's the fucking joke. But I forgot the part of saying all it takes to have fun when you have kids is not be with your kids. That sets up the fucking joke. Yeah, that would be necessary, integral to that joke. I agree. All I did is say, you guys with kids are like, man, as soon as you walked out your front door tonight you're like are

we in the bahamas it still makes sense i know but but you're right it needed it needed it and and it's funny that's that is like opening that's opening night jitters a little bit i think it is i know it is because because we all do it that's what i wanted to ask oh yeah i butchered a couple oh absolutely butchered a couple you? I ran my set fucking so... For two months, I was going on stage anywhere I could to do 45 doing it. That's how you know what we do is still... It's still... It's the reason not everybody can do it.

It's still a little... Even for a guy like you who's a veteran in this business and me doing this for years, night after night, on that night of the the taping there's a little bit of i mean you want to nail it yeah it's not it's not about being nervous in front of an audience and all that shit it's about wanting to put your best foot forward that night and putting pressure on yourself well in your head you go if this special is that good it could do something it could do i'm not that positive i get a little bit like that. I don't. Because this was my first one.

I've never done an hour special. Oh, okay. Well, then that was. And it was definitely jitters. But I always think, like, this is going to go in six months. This will be next to the porn disc my fans have in their fucking arm walk. I don't know how. And then I forgot a joke and then remembered it and had to go back,

and I told the crowd. That's all right. People do that. I got honest. I said, listen, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I go, I have ADD, and I'll be honest with you. I go, you guys are so good. This crowd is so hot that it makes me, in my head, go, it's going well.

Keep it going. You ever get that in your head? Yeah, but I would never verbalize it to the audience. I told them. I wouldn't. I wouldn't trust them because soon as you do that, they're there to see you fall off the highway. Not on a special.

Oh, yeah. They're there to see you fall off the highway. That's why people go to comedy clubs. It's the same reason people won't go to the high wire act. Hope you fucking. They hope you fuck up. Oh, fuck you. They're not there to see you.

Everybody. I used to do a joke about how New Yorkers hope that it goes poorly. Of course they do. Yeah. But what I had going for me is the 120 Italians that were mixed in were the investors' friends. So they wanted to go well because they're friends with the investors. So they needed me to kill. Right.

So they were going fucking ape shit. I had a couple Italians that looked like they were going to pass out. Like, they were laughing at some of the meaner shit. Oh, really? Yeah. You did mean shit? I thought you were a family act. Well, I had a...

Oh, here's another one. I had a couple of jokes that my wife was like, she thought they were kind of mean. And I literally, a week before the special, I go, just letting you know, I'm fucking doing them. You're going to clear it with the wife? They're coming. Tell her to go rinse a thermometer she had friends coming that are special and when you do these specials they light the audience so you can see them a little bit while you're on stage i'm like there's my wife's friend there's

my fucking yeah my mother-in-law that gets you that makes you fucking did you really i could see it's like a variety show you were doing good so you did yours in minneapolis you didn't know you didn't have any friends and family that's the way to do it of course i had i had some friends and family mixed in i'm not as tight with this is me and my mother on mother's day listen this happened last weekend i go home and we're getting a getting a little to the boss here good maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him great my own My own mother. Fuck you, you fucking whore. Yeah, that was Mother's Day. I gave her a Whitman sampler.

She didn't like it. Big fight broke. A Whitman sampler. These were always good for a fucking appreciative gift to your mom. A Whitman sampler. Anyways. What else is on your list? That's it.

That's it? You gotta go. You get kids to pick up. Yeah. And you gotta watch Carson set as you're picking them up. Remember? On the way to the school. That's it, Joe. Let's keep it tight and funny.

Don't you think? I think so. I'm trying to think what I want to plug. You got an Eagles hat on and people calling Chip Kelly a racist because he'd get rid of a couple of black guys. That's where we are in society. But I don't feel like getting into that today because the country can't handle it. I read an interesting thing real quick.

A Nigerian restaurant was serving human flesh in Nigeria. Really? Yeah. What was that called on the menu? But all cultures are equal. Remember that. All cultures are equal, folks. What's that called on the menu? I don't know. But i wouldn't have a problem if it was like supermodel pussy

if i went in they said they had you know we have giselle bungeon's snatch on the that's an appetizer can i get two of those please and uh bar raffaele's ass cheese can i have that roll can you roll that like sushi They found human heads in the kitchen. No. In bags with still bleeding. In Nigeria. What the fuck? Again, all cultures are equal. I want you lefties to remember that.

Multiculturalism. No culture is superior. Jesus Christ. Who knows? It might be delicious. I might be wrong. I'm going to Israel on Saturday. Let's see how that turns out.

Oh, I forgot. Yeah, sorry. Real quick. What are you trying to find new management? Okay. Israel? It's a Jewish show, Joe. Come on, for Christ's sake.

Don't leave me hanging. Why are you going to Israel? He throws this in at the last second. I'm doing a tour in Israel. Where are you playing? Kabooms? I'm playing like six

different six. I am a little... Yeah, you should be. I should be, right? But I think it's pretty good. My wife's coming with me. Oh, that's great. So now the kids will have no parents.

Oh, don't make me scared. You're going to be sitting in front of the hotel waiting for the guy to pick you up from Kabooms. Kabooms. And some Palestinian is going to run in with a rocket strapped to his tits. Is it safe over there right now? You followed in this morning. It's never safe in Israel. What are you, shitting me?

Actually, it is. The airports and stuff, they've never had a terrorist attack over there. Never. Because they, you know why? They did a profile. People don't cry. Right. If you act a little nervous or look fidgety.

You're fucked. So you're going to Israel to perform. Yeah. I don't get it. Who booked this? Dorfman? It's been going on for about 15 years. It's in memory of a-

Modi? Modi's on the gig with me. Modi is a Jewish gay comedian. It hasn't come out yet, but I'll just let you know. Now he is. Modi, me, Avi Lieberman sponsors the whole tour. Oh, my God. You better hope there's no Palestinians within a mile of that venue.

And Brian Kiley. Dangerous situation. He's more white than me. Brian Kiley's hilarious. Yeah, he's funny. From Boston. Yeah, he's coming. He used to write for Conan. I think he still does. Does he really? Yeah. Doesn't he? He's brilliantly than me Brian Kiley's hilarious Yeah he's funny From Boston Yeah he's coming He used to write for Conan

I think he still does Does he really? Yeah He's brilliantly funny Yeah He had that joke about animal crackers What? The animal crackers in on the box

It said if seal is broken Sure enough That's a classic No dude he I did a gig with him once If the crowd is his crowd, you can't go on. I did terrible after him. He's a great joke writer.

Oh, in front of an older crowd? I came up with him. Yeah, he's great. So you're going to, well, good luck with that. Kabooms. He's been playing kabooms. I wish I could tell you. I'm going to tell you because I tweeted.

Oh, you want to plug it? I want to plug who's in memory of this young child that got stoned to death over there and they've been doing it for like 15 years stoned to death yeah in a cave he got stoned to death and they do this what do you mean he was cave it's but terrorists killed him oh okay jesus and it's it's uh it's a good way to end a funny show joe i appreciate it I want to talk about a baby who was stoned to death in Israel. That's great. Can I bring up my niece who just found a lump on her neck? What the fuck?

Go ahead, plug it. Why are we plugging it? Like anybody listening to this is going to fly over to Israel to see Joe Maddon. I don't want to plug the gig. I want to say the guy's name. Kobe. Jeez, it's just under his... It I want to say the guy's name. Kobe. Jeez, it's just under his... It's Kobe.

There's a Jewish name. What's his last name? Bryant. Comedy for Kobe. I don't even know his last name. Wow, you're really into the kid, huh? It must be a real tragedy. Supposedly, it's like this guy's famous.

This kid is famous because this was just such a horrible act. Well, it is a horrible act, and I feel bad. Praise to the family. Praise to you you good luck over there don't be watching any cars and videos when you're i'm not driving this well i figured i'd rent the car no i'm not no i don't i don't really plan on renting a car all right well joey you're the best brother thank you for doing this thanks follow me on twitter you had a lot of good stories today absolutely oh good comedian

with self-esteem problems joe the guy's a family man his wife's great great kids yes and uh i got the life thing down but the career thing needs a fucking we all don't dude tell me about it will you killing me tell me about it but uh at the joe manorse and listen to my podcast to fixing Joe. I that's right. I'm a big fan of the Nick DiPaolo podcast. I listen. I listen to yours when I was driving out there. I'm trying to think which which was the last episode. What was your I'm trying to think what I was listening to you talk about.

Anyway, that's the very funny. The great Joe Mattarese. Go to see him in Jerusalem. He's playing kabooms. Hey, I'm doing Jerusalem. And I'll be doing, what am I doing? Tampa, side splitters in Tampa, June 4, 5, and 6. And then I'm doing Reds in Carlstadt, New Jersey on June 14, which is a Sunday night.

And then Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, June 27th. And Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut, on July 18th. That's a beautiful theater. Please come out because I want to do that one a lot. That's a nice place. It's an awesome place. Can I plug one gig? Yeah, good.

Besides Israel. June 19th and 20th, I'm at Bananas in Hasbrook Heights. Come out to that one. You and I just plugged three gigs. They're all in 11 miles of this area, except for your trip

to Jerusalem for the Chuck Schumer benefit. Anyways, kids, I'll talk to you next week. And, uh, let's go out with a guy who, uh, who tells you

how I feel about you. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much for me. Joe's benefit he's doing in Israel. That's his kids in the car in Jerusalem. My kids aren't coming. It's our first trip in six years without them.

All right. Talk to you guys later. Bye-bye, everybody. guitar solo guitar solo you