The Nick DiPaolo Show - 084 - Horses, Tiger and Tampa...Oh My

Episode Date: June 9, 2015

Horses, Tiger and Tampa...Oh My

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello. What's up, kids? Nick DiPaolo Podcast. Yeah, Nick, no shit. We're obviously tuning in. I think it was Fitzsimmons. What the fuck? What's happening?

How are you, kids? What it is, what it be? Oh, I don't know. Just got done working out with my good friend. It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push to the max, you can get the body that you always wanted you're gonna get the body you always wanted there sean t nice 11 year old cub scout

bent over your coffee table on the trillion dollar mansion you got from selling tapes say i'm kidding look i'm that's just my opinion i'm just saying he cracks me up, this guy. Probably not even gay. Again, I'm just joking around, but mamma mia. I can't keep up with a gay fellow working out. I can't keep up with the girls anymore in the video. It's really depressing. Isn't there a tape out there?

Doesn't somebody have any exercise tape with, I don't know, a guy in a wheelchair or something, or somebody with like no legs just hopping around on the arms with like fucking huge triceps that so i don't feel bad about myself i used to laugh at these exercises i used to laugh at this shit yeah now i'm the uh i'm going along like i said last time i'm going along with the person doing the modified exercise, the little heifer up front. But you know what? It freaking works, folks.

What I do, instead of just doing one half hour, because I'm doing mostly modified, not all of them, I do some of the burpee push-ups and shit. I actually learned that watching, you know what, Lock Up. Those are those push-ups the guys do in prison when the cell is three inches by eight inches. I do it, but, you know, 80% I do i do the modifier my knees the joints can't take it you'll find out you're probably laughing at me right now you'll find out it's crazy then again you know i played sports when i was younger i think that probably wears out your shit even quicker like the shoulders of a 200 year oldgin' lady being held together with dog shit and duct tape. But you go go and show him teeth.

That's him talking to the kiddies get tied up in his house. I'm sure you are, you big dog. Feel good good though. The heart rate goes through the roof, man.

I went for a physical like a year ago and the doctor, you know, the nurse took my pulse or whatever and it was 48 or 47 and she kind of almost like freaked out. I guess at rest most people, like a healthy person's like 60 or 47. And she kind of almost like freaked out. I guess at rest, most people, like a healthy person's like 60 or something. So that was a good sign.

But again, it depends on the nurse. She wasn't particularly attractive. Sometimes you get like a, you know, a young hot nurse and you fucking, you know, it goes through the roof. It's a dangerous situation. you know, it goes through the roof. It's a dangerous situation. It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push... I know I'm going to meet some fellas.

...the body that you always wanted. Come on, I don't care if you scream. Hear the kids screaming? Tied up? Somebody get over there. Know that I'm here for you. That sounds like dialogue right out of Jerry Sandusky's playbook, doesn't it? But I suggest, again, if you're my age or a former athlete or whatnot or both,

you know, and the joints can't take it, I'm telling you, Shanti, start off with the, you know what, P90X or whatever. But you can be done in 25 minutes, that's only gonna work if you like, you know, eat like a fucking supermodel, you have two croutons and a piece of gum for the week, but you know, that's true of all this shit, but the problem is, like I said before, once I work out and your heart rate goes through the roof, your metabolism is like a hummingbird on crack. And you just, at night, what it does, it makes your appetite ferocious. Ferocious.

Well, speaking of that, it just reminded me. How about that lady that leaves her window down and gets fucking eaten by the lion? Oh, God. What the fuck is wrong? Typical cocky American. She's over there doing animal rescue work and stuff, but they warn you 1,100 times not to put the windows down, and she's sticking her head out to take a picture.

This is somebody who works with animals. You know? You don't want to get near a... I mean, Jesus Christ. I wouldn't go through that thing. And fucking... Even with a car... I wouldn't go through that in my car, even with the windows up.

Call me a pussy. Every time I see stuff like that, I see those people getting trapped on a mountain, they're dying in avalanche and shit. Aren't you just laying on your couch like me with a bag of pretzels on your fucking very smooth, uncut stomach and going, yeah, this is why i'm a bit of a fucking couch potato i'll live every day like it's last go out and get your head bit off by a tiger and get caught in a fucking avalanche looks like a lot of work uh yeah um just got back from tampa which reminds me let's get the plugs out of the way as usual.

This Sunday night, ladies and gentlemen, I'm at Red's in Carlstadt, New Jersey. I haven't even Googled it. I don't know where it is. I'm sure it's terrific. But I like the Sunday night. I told you, I like the one-nighters. but I like the Sunday night. I told you, I like the one-nighters. It's kind of fun because you can watch me implode with new stuff

and just winging a lot of it, and you see the process and action. By process, I mean a comedian aging at Mach speed and going nowhere. But yeah, Sunday, June 14th, this Sunday, and the very funny Kendra Cunningham's coming with me. And I brought her down to Philly, and I swear she got more play on Twitter than I did. And from both guys and girls saying how funny she was.

So check that shit out, yo. What else? Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant on the 27th. That's a Saturday night of this month. And Ridgefield Playhouse, July 18th. Love that gig. If you're in the tri-state area, even if you're in Jersey or whatever,

come on up. That's a beautiful gig. I wish my new hour was ready. I'd shoot the special there. That's how much I like this place. But catch those gigs. Go to Nick DiPaolo or nickdip.com and get another senseless killing put in the radio code nick or radio get three dollars off and uh it's still it's still uh it's still selling i'm very thankful for you guys i was at tampa at side splitters and, uh, kind of an interesting, uh, weekend, uh,

uh, good crowds. They're good to me down there. It's all New Yorkers and, and, and, you know, ex New Yorkers and Bostonians.

And, uh, it's so funny. It's just like doing a gig up here. It's great. Only the broads are more tan and in shape. Um, that Tampa,

we talked about it. I know me and me and already both talked talked about this and then we talked about it on nick and arty i laughed because he had the same take as i do on tampa somebody does a bit about it i think maybe norm mcdonald but there's always there's always a couple that'll come up to you in tampa after and they want you to go home and fucking get involved with them it's hilarious it never fails you know who you are out there and uh and i'm not talking you know i'm married i'm not gonna do any of that shit anymore but uh why why but uh i know already who talked about it too they always come up and like yeah yeah, we got a hot tub. And that was actually Norm I was doing there.

But they are, this drunken couple comes up to me. They have an art gallery. Yeah. Guy's like, I'll give you a nice piece of art. Why don't you come back to the house? I'll show you this stuff. Yeah, sure. In other words, you break

your dick off my wife's ass and I will give you a paint by numbers. My cousin did. He's retarded. It was a hand turkey. But both these people were so drunk and they're probably listening now, but both you guys, I hope you made it home

alright. They couldn't even, their eyes were like three-quarters closed. They were both slurring. Guy had a fedora on. Good people. I'm just saying, I don't know how they didn't die on the way home. Maybe they did and I didn't hear about it. But it's always Tampa. Couple shows.

Again, couples. My wife loves you. And you're taking a picture and sometimes the woman puts her hand like in my back pocket like grabbing my imagine if i did that tour that's what i hate about the times of living first of all it's irrelevant i'm married but i'm just saying you try that today you don't know if a comedian puts his hand down a girl's uh even her jeans and pinches her ass or whatever you don't know she'll be on Twitter trying to fucking sue you on Facebook. But the girls can do it because they know.

What are we going to say? Nothing. But Jesus, there's always those swingers. Those aren't swingers, actually. Those are swingers when they switch off with whatever. These people just want to get into a threesome with a strong feature act. That would be me. Thank you.

Anyways, yeah. Fun weekend. One incident. Saturday night, second show. Girl and guy up front. Couple. Figured out it was a first date by, you know, ask him if you, she puts her foot on the stage, I ask her to take it off, this happens to me and happens to comics

everywhere, only I, you know, I live by my principles, I don't fucking bend for certain shit, and she puts her foot on this, I go, please take your foot off the stage, ask her nicely the first time, and her response to that, I go back to telling jokes 30 seconds later i look over she has both her feet on the stage now and like a not not not just like the foot like you know up to her the middle of her calf with her legs folded and she's she's drunk i don't give a shit that's not an excuse and i go take your foot off take your feet off to i go why would you continue she did it like three more times i'm like why would you continue? She did it like three more times. I'm like, why would you continue to do that knowing it fucking bothers me? And the rest of the audience is getting pissed

because it's fucking up the show. And there's even girls at other tables up front going, take your foot off the fuck, quit being a... And the boyfriend's looking at me with a cocked head. He doesn't know, you know. And then I surmise after talking to him, he goes, yeah, it's a first date. So I said, well, she's a cunt. Don't see her anymore. And, um, you know, yeah. Is that over the top? I don't think

so. If you're a guy or a girl and you're acting like a cunt, I'm going to call you a cunt. That goes for 99.9% of the comedians. Okay. Would you feel better if I called her an asshole or a fat douchebag? I don't believe in this one word is worse than the other it's such horseshit but it went on for 10 minutes and it fucked up the show and i said you do it again then she starts trying to yell shit out and i go now i'm definitely gonna have you tossed and um just it's i said this is all i and i say this and i mean it when i'm on stage it happens at the stand or small clubs in new york i go this is my time this is all I, and I say this and I mean it when I'm on stage. It happens at the stand or small clubs in New York. I go, this is my, this is all I've cut out for myself.

Unfortunately, after 28 years is this little area. It's fucking mine. And it happened, you know, right after I did a bit, I did a bit about everybody. I'm doing a bit now when you're going to an airport or in public, people make, you know, public space their private space. Whether it's laying down across 11 seats in a crowded terminal or taking their shoes off on the plane, you know, having their bare stinky feet. I just got done talking about it, and she's fucking doing that. And it was infuriating.

And then I just said, fuck you. The manager warned him once, and then i just said fuck you that i and then the manager warned him once and then i went back to my jokes and then two minutes later she starts doing it again and so i go fuck this brian get them out of here and there's a couch on the stage i laid down on i sat down on the couch and just sat there in silence which brought the owner in bobby comes in and brian was a big fucking guy that the manager guy runs the place asks them to leave and of course the boyfriend looks at me and goes you're real classy to me he's with that drunken broad and who knows maybe she she might be a nice person but why do you

gotta be blind fucking drunk to go to a comedy club I'll never understand that it's not a fucking rodeo you hillbilly fucks. So don't put your feet on the stage. And don't go up on the stage before the show and take pictures with your friend. It's fucking hollow ground. Okay? It's like Notre Dame. It's hollow ground, that feel.

It's just disrespectful. And it's the fucking world we live in. Then it's not even about the in then then it's not even about the feet now it's not even about her you know uh some people don't write right in the middle of the stage do you can step on their foot which i almost did when i was living in la and almost fell into the audience i mean there's a million reasons why you shouldn't do it but then it's not even about that it's just about um it's like how are you fucking raised you know i mean just total i can do anything i want and again 99 of the time

it's chicks really 100 but i know if i say that i'm gonna sound like i don't like women and that's how the world works today but um it's always a girl with a few drinks in her you know she's got a she's got a vagina so she fucking she's the center of attention she can do whatever she want but it's not i mean that mentality goes male female it's the i don't get it it's not how i was fucking raised and most of the people in their room were with me so i'm guessing they weren't raised that way either but when you go to a mall or a fucking airport and look around fucking people are just they're fucking entitled she was you know she was in her i don't know she might have been late 20s early 30s but what and I don't care if you get drinks

in you what the fuck why do you think you can do that and get away with it how you know how are you fucking Ray then it becomes a philosophy on life and I said that after they threw them out I go that wasn't even about her foot being on the stage it's about her going I can do anything I fucking want and you can't your fucking rights and the way of mind begin keep that try to live life like that that goes for the dickheads on the fucking uh airplane in front of me with kids the kids got like a video game thing but he doesn't have headphones on and he's cranking and i see other people getting mad all i have to do is see other people getting annoyed and then i actually my annoyance goes away just going okay, okay, I'm not crazy.

But it's fucking unbelievable, man. No civility left in the world. And so they toss those people. But the guy's saying to me, and I wasn't holding it against the guy, but before he goes, yeah, real classy or something. I asked him, I go, am I right here? He goes, I think you're out of your mind. Really? Then you should marry her.

That's what I said. It just fucking, it makes me sick. That's the type of shit that shaves years off your comedy life. But it happens to you. You wouldn't believe how much it happens. And when I tell my wife,

she even freaks out. She goes, I can't believe people do that. It's, I don't know. You see it it at the comedy so somebody else mentioned that to me some other comics that i hate when they uh go on the stage before like before the show to take pictures and which is not not really allowed you know neither is having your cell phone on in the fucking showroom so shut it off that's the other thing you tell somebody to shut off their cell phone and uh all of a sudden you're the douchebag somehow. And the reason we ask you to do that, folks, is because we don't know if you're recording the show or not.

Comics are working on a new hour. They want to put it together. You fucking record it and then put it up on YouTube and you're burned eight minutes or whatever. You know what I mean? Then we can't, that material is burned. So, but what are you going to do? What am I going to do?

I'm going to join ISIS. What the fuck? They seem to be the only people that have a purpose in life. You know what I'm saying? Sure you do. It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push to the max, you can get the body that you always wanted. Come on, I don't care. Oh, come on, Jimmy. Shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth, Jimmy. I'm here for you. Where the hell you are? And the other thing is, like I said, it's usually drunk women that get that. Because guys know, they push it to a certain point certain point then there's gonna be a physical altercation at least that's how it used to be till fucking lawyers ran the world but girls know you're not gonna you know jump down off the stage and choke them um and it's alcohol like i said i'm sure she's probably fine sober or whatever so uh but it just so the other thing is yeah so i'm i'm i'm in such a blind rage when i went and sat on that couch that's on the stage behind

that's on right on the stage it's like i'm sitting on that couch you know and i'm still going back and forth with them i didn't even see the owner bob, get up on the stage and sit down on the couch next to me. So I'm staring at that table watching the manager throw him out. Then I looked to my left and I jumped a foot. It was like I did a take, like in a sitcom. I didn't even see him. He crossed in front of me and sat on the couch. That's kind of scary, isn't it?

That's fun. Some type of tunnel vision. Getting that fucking... Anyways, just don't do it, huh? the couch that's kind of scary isn't it that's fun some type of tunnel vision getting that anyways just don't do it huh interesting uh interesting flight home by the way uh thank you uh delta airlines i uh my flight was at 8 a.m of course I did a few shots uh of Jack after the you know final show on Saturday night to smooth myself out uh and a couple Heinekens I think whatever because I know I'm not gonna sleep anyways between the altercation and the show and the I'm wound up

go back uh well I'm hearing sirens and I'm not in the city, you know, I'm up in the woods. Uh, and, uh, so I go back to the hotel, whatever, and watch TV till 2.30. I got a cab picking me up at 6.30 in the morning for an eight o'clock flight. And, um, sure enough, woke up kind of spinning quick ride to the uh airport everything's going smooth board the plane sitting there waiting to take off all of a sudden we have a mechanical problem we'll get back to you in a few minutes uh it's gonna be a 15 20 minute delay i'll update you when we know more they get back to us to be another 10 minutes uh sorry folks um

we've got some bad news you have a mechanical issue we have two mechanical issues well we're working on one now and it'll probably be about an hour or two so we're gonna have you deboard the plane don't you love that that's where i lose my mind in the whole boarding process because i'm you know joe anal and uh they do a new thing now at least at delta they try to scare you into checking your carry-on bags they go there's a chance this is a full flight there's a chance that you won't be able to find any overhead compartments but when did this happen now you know when how is it different than anything than it was 10 years you've only you can only bring on two, a carry-on bag and a personal item.

That's how it's been for 10 years. Why all of a sudden is there a shortage? And they go, so if you'd like to check one of your carry-on bags, we won't charge you for that. We won't charge you a baggage. Oh, thank you. You won't charge me for me doing you a favor. What the fuck? People are rolling their eyes.

I'm looking around in the terminal i mean the bullshit they i don't know if it's they're just trying to make their lives easier they're actually going if you're sitting in zone two or higher you might not find uh space for your bags when did that fucking happen and you're gonna pay extra now if you want an aisle seat when you book your flight they're, he's sticking it in our ass. Anyways, we have to deboard the plane, and then they come back. It's going to be, again, this was an 8 a.m. flight. It's going to be, now it looks like we're taking off at 11.

Then they came back and go, the part has to be flown in. That's when I got on the phone. Actually, I went to get a drink that's right Sunday morning actually and then I saw there's another flight going to

Kennedy I was supposed to land at LaGuardia it's closer to my house I don't want to do the Kennedy thing because my wife doesn's closer to my house. I don't want to do the Kennedy thing because my wife doesn't like to drive into Kennedy. I don't blame her on a nice Sunday. And anyways, so I got on the horn and reserved a seat on that flight just in case. Sure enough, they go, now it's two o'clock. they give it then i then they give us another update now we're looking at four o'clock so uh i went up to him and said scratch that ticket i'm going on the other one and um anyways long story short uh i got home at uh three five quarter seven and i got

home by 7 38 o'clock the whole idea for the 8 a.m. flight was so I could get home. I like to get home. I would have been home by 11 a.m. Could have went outside, done some work. Because I sort of lay around like a paralyzed tub of cheese when I'm on the road, not doing much. But what a frustrating day. I was at the airport by 7. Sitting there and fucking. but the cool thing was,

here's the cool thing. The flight agent, the gate agent on the second Delta flight that I put myself on knew me, thank Christ. She heard me on the radio in Tampa and she was a, you know, Comedy Central fan. I don't want to mention her name. I get her in trouble, but she was a you know Comedy Central fan I don't want to mention her name I get her in trouble but uh she was really cool first of all I'm sitting there staring and she you know how when they come to the gate like an hour before and you run right up and they go look we need five minutes to set up that's what she told me and so I just sat in the front seat and I'm like fucking brow beating her she goes I can feel you staring at me this is before that i i ascertained that she knew me as a and and and and she didn't until i handed my thing to her

i said can i come up now and i hand her the uh you know my ticket and then she goes oh i just heard you on the radio and comedy central and uh she couldn't have been cooler scared the shit out of me she goes well then she comes back to me after like 20 minutes and goes, look, I can get you. Only thing left is a window seat in the last row or an aisle seat in the row in front of that or some shit. And I'm like, whatever. Just get me on the plane.

Been here all fucking day. She couldn't have been nicer. She was so cool. And I go, I don't care. i just want to board early because i freak out when i can't uh they actually believe the shit they tell you i'm not gonna have room for my back so she go and so i'm sitting there and i and i go just can i go board she comes over me about 20 minutes later she goes uh right out loud she goes you want to get on now they hadn't even started boarding yet it was this was the coolest thing They hadn't even started boarding yet. This was the coolest thing.

They hadn't even started boarding. They didn't call first, nothing. I go, yeah. I walk on the plane. I was getting on the plane so early, there's like, stewardess was sitting in seats, like having their coffee. They were like surprised to see me get on the plane. I go up to the, I went up to the stewardess's, excuse me, flight attendants and said, can

I get you girls anything before takeoff? And they giggled and then one of them gave me the finger. But anyways. It's kind of nice. So, is there anything worse than being stuck in a fucking airport? I had already read the morning paper three times. And I had a mojito. Had a Cuban sandwich.

Tasted like my fucking mother's flip flops. Horrendous. But those are the ones that shave years off your life. Luckily, I've been pretty lucky, I'll be honest to you. Flying all these years. Doesn't happen that often, but it does happen enough where you're like, that's years doesn't happen that often but it does happen enough where you're like that's it i can't do this anymore that's why i'm gonna learn how to you know spit fire and shit ride a unicycle that's what the public wants it seems

speaking of what the public wants did you hear uh and i don't even know this guy this german director i guess who's been known for making movies based on video games that really suck. Uwe Bolo, I guess that's his name. He went off on a rant. Hold on. I'm stepping on my own wire. He went nuts. He went on this rant.

I guess he was trying to raise money for his latest film on Kickstarter. You know how you go and you beg for money on there and people set you up. And it's just hilarious because I guess he makes shit movies. I had never heard of him. I never heard of his movies. Again, I don't play video games. I'm an old-fashioned guy.

Still like tits and pussy and I don't give a fuck about Marvel Comics. Those are for nerds and then that's the type of shit we're putting up. So I actually agreed a lot with a lot of the stuff he was saying.

He just went nuts on, first of all, he went nuts on the fans, the people who, you know, that's who raises money, I guess, on Kickstarter and shit, so he's just shitting all over. He just snapped, but he sounds so frigging German that it was just fucking, he sounds, oh, he sounds German-Austrian, same thing, sounds just like Wolfgang Puck. He just went on this fucking rampage. I was belly laughing.

Love seeing people have meltdowns. And here's some of them. That's about, he's yelling about a movie, Blood Rain 1. No, that's not him's yelling about a movie uh blood rain one he may no that's not him here he is and i agree with a lot of the shit he starts attacking hollywood and stars and shit and attacking you know audience people who go to these movies and i agree i agree most of it i know he's being a hypocrite here i understand all that why would you put money into his films i guess that bomb a lot of them bomb. He made one good one

called Rampage, I guess. But you know, now he's shitting on people. Because just listen, here's some of it. And I agree with a lot of it. He's talking about how fucking phony the whole business is. You know what that is? That is the Hollywood Reporter, right? Look at them.

They're all laughing and smiling. All your idols. You want to be like them, right? He wants to be like them, right? He sounds like Hogan's Heroes, Colonel Burkhalter. Clank, you are an idiot. He sounds just like Wolfgang. I was waiting for him to sell me like a fucking panini maker. Halfway into this rant. sell me like a fucking panini maker halfway into this rant so you reading that shit and steve beckham and george clooney and everybody and you know what they're doing they're laughing about you they're laughing about you because you now he sounds like dana carvey doing the pump you up are they laughing about your little girl girl? Make $2,000 a month. $2,000 a month.

You bring it to the box office to watch the next brainwashing, completely fucking bullshit. I tell you a story. When I did the Daffur movie, it's the only movie about the genocide in Daffur and the president of Daffur. He's talking about a movie he made about dafour you know the slaughter that was going on over there and and how cloney and those guys

wouldn't like you know throw him a few bucks to to make people aware of this or the film he was gonna make about dafour is right now still the president and george cloney did a week documentary about it my movie is 10 times better, right? So he and Brad Pitt and Matt Damon and all that fuckers completely ignored my movie when I needed to push that movie forward because it would help the genocide. It could bring attention to the cause to stop the massacres in the 4x4. It's scary with that German accent. He's talking about genocide and massacres.

It really does give you a little... 100,000 children and women got hacked in fucking pieces. And they're fucking pieces of shit. Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and George Clooney. They do all the fucking charity stuff as long as they're getting all the press write-ups about it. How can you argue that? That's true. You know, you do charity work.

No one's supposed to know about it. Again, it's a double-edged sword. They're like, yeah, but we're bringing publicity, you know, opening the world's eyes. You got to get out there. But they could have thrown him a few bucks. Oh, is he pissed? So that he can buy another fucking castle in Africa, right? So that is the most bullshit business Oh, is he pissed? whatever, are fucking pussies, nothing else. They are in the assholes of the managers, agents, and publicists,

and attorneys, and they protect them. He's exactly right, but that's how the business works. So if you want to be a part of it, you know, you can't really fucking whine about it, but it's exactly right. It's all packaging and shit. That's why when you see bad products, guys and girls out there, when you see shitty movies and TV shows, it's all about packaging. We'll get the uh we have

to have uh julia roberts and so and so from caa and they put the you know it's all fucking has almost nothing to do with talent at that level anyways it really doesn't affect me at reds on sunday night in new jersey and that is like how hollywood sucks out the capital of so many rich people or people around the world they're sucks out the capital of so many rich people or people around the world they're sucking all the capital in so that they can fucking drive a ferrari in beverly hills you know but overall they're lying cheating stealing and the movies don't make any money right that's all bullshit the money is all paid by investors or hedge funds or whatever they all lose that fucking money that is my message to Wall Street and so on.

Good luck in recouping any money out of that fucking assholes. And they're all laughing their asses off. Nothing else. They're like, ha, perfect. An idiot gives me $10 million to make a $25 million movie with $30 million advertising on top to make $20 million back. And then goodbye, investor. Fuck yourself.

I find another retarded Chinese Alibaba idiot or another fucking retarded India metal steel magnate who wants to see his fucking yacht in front of Cannes to fuck models they find on the crusade running around. That is the film business. It's like a dirty pieces of shit. And I never played that game.

I made movies and focused on the movies. Right? And that is how I operate. You know? It's so pissing me off how fake that business is. But also how the young people of today falling in the fucking trap. Because they're all stupid. You know?

Like, wake the fuck up. Iron Man is not existing. The Avengers are not existing. They're all fucking retarded. I'm with him on that a thousand percent. What the fuck, are we 12 years old? Flipping through HBO the other night, it's like Captain

fucking Fantastic. Spider-Man 2, Batman 3. Jesus fucking Christ. Glad I used to bully you fucking nerds. That's a joke. Didn't bully anybody. A couple of kids, but they didn't like comics. They were with me on that one.

Idiots. And Robert Downey Jr. and all their people. They are idiots. Not idiots. They just grab the money and they're laughing their asses off. That the people pay money for that stupid absurd shit what they're shooting like captain america and all that completely crap you tell them hitler it's like fucking unbelievable and then every year they're pulling off some arthouse piece to run with for the oscars

you know so that it looks like oh they're real artists and from time to time yeah they throw out a well i was gonna say schindler's list, but he makes good fucking Spielberg's Grey. But they'll throw out an art film just because they know the rest of the day they're going to be making fucking Captain America 3 and the Green Hornet and all that shit. This way you can still think that they're into the art form. That was a pretty fucking salient point. They just do a stage play on Broadway that they're looking like, no, no, I'm a real artist. Yeah, of course, because I made 50 million bucks to shoot a fucking superhero movie so I can play for free for two months at the Broadway where I get some raving reviews and it looks like I'm all in it. No, but they're not all in it.

It's all about the fucking money. They're fucking assholes and retards and they're not even able anymore to. Well, what are you in it for? The fucking. What are you in it for? The fucking... What are you in it for? What are you... Ah, is this really news to this guy? It is all bullshit about the art.

It's about the art form. I'll tell you, if I could do it over again, I would stand up. I think I'd be doing a nice clean dick joke act. Packing out fucking, you know, whatever. I thought it was about the art, too. Doesn't he sound just like Wolfgang Puck?

Create a piece of art or a movie because they spaced away. In talk shows, they're sitting there. Talk shows. One of you, you know, I'm Jenny from the block. And then she, what is Jennifer Lopez? Like a fucking demanding Mexican bitch, nothing else, who wants to fly with a private airplane. Calls her Mexican.

Mexican. Jenny's from the block. She's Puerto Rican. Hope I'm right. Not that it matters, but this is what bothers me. So I watched this clip like on YouTube and then I'm reading all the comments afterwards and shit. And, and, clip like on YouTube and then I'm reading all the comments afterwards and shit. And this fucking it just goes to show how brainwashed you guys are by the fucking left wing media.

The people were upset because he was saying racist shit, like not knowing, you know, that Jenny was Jennifer Lopez wasn't Mexican. That's what they were focused on in the fucking, you know, people arguing with each other online. It just so shows how deep that politically correct horse shit runs a couple people commented on him being a hypocrite and shit but more people upset that he said you know indian piece of shit and she's mexican who gives a fuck who gives a shit and these are young people i'm guessing who else is going to be talking about this shit on the internet but they're upset that that he's, you know, and he's a racist asshole, too. You guys, it's in your fucking DNA.

They have brainwashed you. Fucking beyond belief, man. At the same time, she would say, oh, we have to take care of the environment in a talk show, right? And then they're demanding private airplanes. she would say, oh, we have to take care of the environment in a talk show, right? And then they're demanding private airplanes. It's so fake and absurd that I really, really

wish they wouldn't get fucking wiped out. You know? Because that is why I did Rampage, and that is what the guy says. We have to fucking kill the rich. We have to kill the rich. In the clip, he says he has enough money to play golf that might not have been

been in this clip there was two clips but he says that you know that's how he justifies that he has enough money to play golf for the rest of his life so then at the end he says kill the rich well you'll be first in line there I love it. But the fact that people are, you know, more upset about him. You know what? If you go to see a movie based on video games and it sucks, I'm glad he took your fucking money, you fucking nerd.

Ugh. Here are some of his beautiful films that he put out. I had never heard, I've never even heard of any alone in the dark blood rain he made two of those blood rain one and two in the name of the king house of the dead one and two blood rain third reich Blood Rain, Third Reich. Rampage. A lot of the idiots were saying that's the best movie that he made. Rampage. I'm sure Siskel and Ebert would disagree, and they probably did before. Just fucking.

I love it. Calling cloney and pit ass fuckers and shit. Just feels good to hear the truth, doesn't it? It's the one thing about living in politically correct times. It's just so refreshing when somebody just cuts fucking loose. How the whole world doesn't do it now. And have a backlash to this insanity we're living in. I don't know, kids.

Check my levels here. What the hell else? Going on in the world. Oh, the other thing about the hotel. I didn't know you could have some hotels. You get pets in there. Somebody had a couple of chihuahuas or something. Little dogs. I was listening to that.ihuahuas or something, little dogs.

I was listening to that, trying to take a nap in the afternoon. And then they'd start howling in unison. I wasn't even getting mad. I was laughing. Wasn't even, I don't know, because I've snuck our dog into a hotel, so I can't be total hypocrite.

But I guess some hotels allow it. Maybe I'm sneaking in when I don't have to. But these dogs started frigging howling together. It's fucking hilarious. But only for like a few minutes. And then there'd be dead silence. I'm like, did so many people leave? I didn't hear anybody coming in and out of that room the whole fucking weekend.

Poor dogs are probably shitting and pissing in there um i'm doing uh anthony call me a show his podcast tomorrow kids if you want to watch that i think it starts at like 4 p.m doesn't it four or five i don't know i get down there so watch that watch that show um what the hell else did I want to touch on the oh I was watching the hockey game in the bar in between shows

Saturday night because I'm pulling for Tampa Bay they're playing the Blackhawks I know you guys but it's so funny with about six seven minutes left their goalie their starting goalie, which is like your starting pitcher, had to leave the game. I guess he left a couple times.

I guess I missed it earlier in the game he might have left it, or maybe earlier in the series. But he left the game, and they bring in the secondary goal. And just kidding around, I go, he must have to take a dump. Just kiddingly. Now, that's the theory out there today. This guy Bishop, I forget his, his ben bishop i forget his first name university of maine grad my alma mater but uh what else could it be when you leave the game one or two times you know but you can't do that i mean i'd shit

right in my pants you're the starting goalie six Six minutes left, now you're going to leave it on the backup? They were up by a goal at that point? Holy Christ. Part of me is going, maybe he just doesn't like the pressure. But that's not true because he played, you know, against the Rangers. Game 7, he shut the Rangers out. So I'm guessing he had the shits. And why can't they say it? There's no more fun in pro sports.

The coaches, Tampa Bay, they won't say exactly why he had to come out of the game a couple times. Really? Should be taking that and running with it. Let's have some fun. He admitted it. He had to spray paint the bowl. Probably forgot, like I did. Forgot he had a lactose

intolerance. Ate a bag of Sun Chips like I did when I was in Tampa. I ate a bag of Sun Chips. Next thing you was in tampa i eat a bag of sun chips next thing on my stomach it sounded like i had triplets in there fighting just gurgling and all this shit i take this i just all of a sudden i have to run into you know this is a saturday afternoon i'm trying to relax in the room next thing you know i'm in the bathroom like seven times in a matter of an hour and a half you know just battery acid passing battery acid through my ass and i grabbed a bag of sun chips the empty bag out of the trash because i have a lactose

and i look at the thing and it has the phrase milk cultures in it like four times in the ingredients of course i couldn't see because my glasses were eight feet away before i ate the bag of chips and you know too lazy to pick it up and see what's in the next you know i'm in the bathroom oh my god just spray painting the bowl the nice rust that's more information than you needed to know but it's a podcast for fuck's sake isn't that the beauty of this i couldn't say that on free fm or whatever but uh yeah if you've got a lactose intolerance a lot of products have milk cultures and if you see the word way you know that's like the shit the protein from the milk when you have a lactose intolerance what happens milk has natural sugar in it milk products

have natural sugar and your body can't digest those sugars they stay in your intestine and that causes the fucking havoc anyways i'm guessing that's why the the goalie for tampa had to uh split that series is tied at one they're playing at chicago tonight for anybody unless you guys are gonna go home and watch blood rain three and some uh ooey bowls play some of his watch him his movies based on the video games you have. But that's not my cry. That's not you guys. You don't like that shit, do you? Big bags!

Big bags! Um... Oh, that guy's cracking me up. Uh, yeah, what else? Oh, uh, you know what? To stay with a little bit of the sports theme, uh... How about that American pharaoh sports theme uh how about that

american pharaoh huh how about that horse again i'm not a big racing fan you know casual but uh like anybody else it seems like every year a horse is going for a for the triple crown and it never happens does it uh not since uh it hadn't happened in 37 years, I believe. 1978? But now that I own a horse that I could beat in a race, my horse now has like arthritis in one of its... It's just like I told you before I bought my wife the horse. You know? I always... I'm sorry, but it's the Sopranos.

It's fucking Ralph Ciparetto. It was always something with the fucking hoof. Admit it, Anthony. We got lucky. That fire was a bolt of lightning. You fucking roasted that horse, didn't you? You did. I did not.

Go look that up on The Sopranos. Would have seen this. But, you know, the horse, my horse had a ligament thing last fall that it finally got over. Now it's got a fucking hoof. What do you call it? The paw. The hoof. The hoof. Bring back the knife oh yeah i will it was it was a shame i had to cut it off um yeah so now she's a limping i went to watch my wife ride it and i saw her stepping like a i was gonna say a pothole yeah she was going down fifth avenue

manhattan turned her ankle but she looked like she she tripped over her own foot or whatever i stepped in a hole. I saw her and she started limping. But my wife said, well, she's got a touch of arthritis. And so that's good. Got the vet coming. I went, well, that's going to fucking cost me. I know Coke dealers who couldn't afford this horse.

Mamma mia. But I actually love the horse. It actually becomes like a dog in your mind, like a little dog. It loves my wife. And my wife used to walk up to the stable with charge at her with her ears back. She's like a real diva, kind of like Jennifer Lopez, you know, that Mexican singer. But now she nuzzles up to my wife and puts her face on my wife's face. It's really cute.

I actually saw like 12 year old girls in a stable you know walking a horse i go how scary can it be really i sat on it for like a minute i told you that though that was months ago but uh anyways the hoof the paw the hoof the hoof the paw the hoof she's got some type of arthritis i gave her a couple of buffering told her to hit the fucking hay hey no. Listen, you motherless titless wonders. Let's, yeah, so the Belmont Stakes. Here's the coming down the stretch. Go, you son of a bitch!

American Pharoah's got a two-length lead. Whap that ass with that stick, you midget! At the 16th pole, and here it is. The 37-year wait is over. American Pharoah is finally the one! American Pharoah has won the Triple Crown! Yeah, I don't know what it all means. has won the Triple Grand! Yeah. I don't know what it all means.

I don't bet on the horses, but that must have been fun to see that. Now this horse, they're going to race it a little longer, I guess, but now he gets to fuck. Now he gets to fuck for money. He doesn't get the money. What would he do with it he doesn't

have hands he couldn't hand it to the but um you know the stud fees are like already worth whatever some company bought uh you know bought the the rights to the stuff whatever and and um you know i get like 50 cents a load i I think. Is that what it comes worth, guys, when they do that? You get 50 cents a shot? No, $50. Seriously, they used to do that. It's like $50 a load. I used to have a bit about it and how I had a, you know, something about it.

I had a bedspread that was worth 300 grand. It's leaning against my bedroom door. It's very crunchy. But, yeah, so this horse, zillions of dollars. He's going to be like Jeter now. He's going to retire, have to play a little longer. And then he's just going to fuck hot broads. I don't even know the term for fillies.

I don't know what the girls are. So he gets to eat grass, take big fucking giant dumps, and fuck pigs. Sort of what I did in college. American Pharaoh. It was cool, wasn't it that was great i was 16 the last time i think it was secretariat who was the last one i don't know it's only happened 12 or 13 times in the history of racing folks and they say the horse people know horses they say he's just like a happy that's all he wants to do is run and i was reading the article today uh the you know the guy who trains him or whatever people come up and they're like this is the happiest horse i've ever seen and shit but how do you really know maybe that fucking horse could be just pissed you don't know they don't tell you give them a carrot and they're

happy but uh that was pretty cool and i guess a bunch of people, it was like $2 bets. They don't even cash them in. They save the ticket because you made like $3.50 on a $2 bet because, you know, it was a huge favorite or whatever. So they didn't even cash out. Like $90,000 worth is sitting out there. I read that in the paper. That's kind of fucking odd, huh? But nice going, American Pharaoh.

That goddamn Bob Baffert. How come he gets all the good horses? What's he know that other people don't know? You know, the guy with the white hair? You know what I'm talking about. He's got the suit on and the tie. You know, the face of white privilege. I'm sure that people, you know, Obama voters hate

anybody who's done anything with their life. You muddle this fucking thing. all this hate? Anybody who's done anything with their life? You muddle this fucking thing. Yeah, it was kind of an interesting weekend as far as sports go. And, boy, huh?

Boy Tiger. Oh. Shot an 85 on Saturday. The Bridgestone whatever the fuck. Memorial. I said 85, folks. Understand? His worst round as a professional.

Came in dead last. Came in like 308th place. He's 181st in the world rankings. 188th in the world. He's falling apart. It's almost hard to make fun of him. I don't know what his ex-wife's pussy had in it that destroyed this guy's golf abilities.

She's that guy Dreamy Genie. She's over there blinking and he's fucking hitting balls into the woods and shit. God. Dead last. People saying he's taking too much advice. He keeps changing his swing. And he's had like 19 different coaches in the last fucking two years.

And he's a mess. This guy, can you imagine? This guy's won what? 14 majors i mean arguably one of the greatest of all time and and and i think my niece jenna could kick his ass right now so he played alone on sunday the final round i guess when you come in dead last you're the first one to tee off as opposed to the you know the ones at the top of the scoreboard they usually tee off late in the day for the final round he was like he was like teeing off at 7 a.m by himself without like a i don't even understand

that i don't know golf that well but without a partner he played with like a a young kid i guess on saturday who was you know obviously tiger was an idol i can't believe we're talking about him like he's an elder statesman already, which is true. But he's a poor guy's a hot mess. Again, this is my theory. And I know. But I really thought looking at his physique a few years ago, I think guys might be juicing. And his name came up in relation to the same guy, doctor that A. Robert.

Again, no solid evidence out there. But when you see a pro athlete's performance just go in the toilet like that it does make you wonder what has changed but then again you throw in the crazy his crazy lifestyle and uh now he says it's because he's not playing enough but uh but but but but i don't know i really and I don't want to shortchange him, but the fucking juicing thing, that's all I can think of. But he just fell apart, man. He had a quadruple bogey.

Holy Christ. And just horrendous. Mickelson, to be fair to Tiger, he stunk it up too, but that's why I never wanted to get into golf. One of the reasons, you see guys that have mastered the game, they're the best on the planet. Tiger was number one for about 10 years, and then you can see that you can have days like that.

Oh, my God. I don't need to. My brother loves it. My brother's great at it, and like I said, he taught his daughter. Now she's like a killer golfer at Dayton. But Tiger, what the? What the hoo-ha-hoo? Jack Nicholson has said that too.

He's got to get back to what, you know, himself, his originals, when he was going good, what he was doing then. He had a guy, Butch Harmon was his caddy or coach, I don't know, coach, I think. And he won a bunch under Butch Harmon, but they, you know, they went their separate ways for whatever reasons. But he ought to go back, swallow his pride. Now, I heard he went to an IHOP and some fat waitress wouldn't even fuck him. She's like, I'm not going to fuck you tonight.

I saw you get a quadruple bogey. Christ, you couldn't hit my two holes. All right. Yeah, the corporate. And then, again, sports-wise, but these are interesting stories how about uh first of all the goddamn yankees actually look like they could uh do something but i'm still not sold the red socks and they won three in a row but they beat oakland who sucks but um i guess it was friday or saturday night um the oakland at fenway, the A's were at Fenway.

And Laurie, the guy's last name is Laurie. I forget his first name. He played with Toronto. He's got tattoos all over his forearms. Good ball player. He's now with the A's. Anyways, his bat, he swung and his bat broke off. And the piece of the bat went flying into the crowd and hit some woman right in the head.

I mean, really, really hit her. They got audio on the internet. I pulled a clip on the internet. You could actually hear it. I can't see anything. You will. Oh. Yeah, she wasn't paying attention.

yeah she wasn't paying attention but she's uh you know she's gonna be i think she's gonna be fine but she was in serious condition serious condition serious condition it's a dangerous situation right in the head opened her up like a fucking ripe melon and what was sad i guess she was with a she was with a guy and a little kid and a little kid's probably traumatized i mean there was blood even the players who have you know players said they had never seen that much blood caught her right in the you know like right in the forehead but uh you gotta always pay attention when you have seats like that, especially at Fenway. Fenway, it's like being at a Little League game.

You're like six feet from the field when you get those type of expensive seats. And she had to be distracted or talking to somebody or something. Because when a bat breaks, you know, it's coming at you like a propeller. And she was a ways down the line. You know what I mean? So hope she's all right feel bad for the kid um i was at a game when i was in high school my brother-in-law was a great ball player all-american baseball player and he was playing in one of those semi-pro leagues after and my he hit a flying drive foul ball into the stands

and my sister donna she's not the one that ended up marrying my brother i was my sister darlene she wasn't at the game but my sister donna was at the game anyways uh my brother lines went into the uh into the stands hits my sister on the wrist like blows her watch right off you gotta you got to watch it. Got to watch it. I told you, I saw, right? When I was a kid, I was watching one of those semi-pro games down the twy, we used to call the field.

And this guy, I think it was Kenny St. Pierre, hit a blast. I might have told this on one of my first podcasts, but he hit a blast. It was going to be a home run. It was heading for the light standards in left field. This guy ended up getting drafted in pro baseball and football, by the way. Played football at the University of Indiana. He's passed away since.

God bless him. He was just a scary great athlete. But he hit a blast that was on its way. It was going to be a home run by 100 feet. And all of a sudden, the ball hit something in the sky and fell out of the sky onto the field. And then you saw something else fall. And it turned out it was a bat. You know how bats go after this shit with their sonar or whatever?

He killed a bat. I couldn't believe it. I was standing next to my good friend's dad, Mr. Pike. And he looks at me and goes, did you see what I just? I go, what the fuck? And then I see the left fielder go over and reach down and pick up and hold this. We thought it was a bird. It looked like a bird.

But I believe it was a bat. With a hit baseball. How fucking? You wouldn't see that in a trillion years it was uh very odd but um yeah so now they start talking this woman gets hurt and now they start with a oh baseball has to do more they should put up more uh safety netting and now they shouldn't now they shouldn't here we go with the over this is how you solve let's use reasoning and logic this is what you do you go how many people um have sat in that seat or in that area over the last 70 seasons at fenway and got hit

with the and oh but the game has changed. No it hasn't. Not to that point. A bat could break back. They break more now. Apparently they've done something to the bats. Where they haven't broke as many this year. But it has become.

But right away. That's the first. The fucking knee jerk reaction. Let's build the Berlin Wall. So people can. You know. The odds of that happening are literally 77, I shouldn't say literally, I'm making it up,

77 trillion to one that you're going to get it. So no need to fuck up good seats with netting that you have to look through or fucking screen. Just hand out helmets to all the women as they come into the park because they're usually the ones chatting. I don't mean that as a shot. I'm just saying.

No, it happens. It can happen to anybody, but not to the point we have to change it, okay? It happens once every millennium. So come on. Let's not get fucking crazy. They'll be handing out helmets to all of us as we come into Fenway now.

Wait a minute. The box seats? Here, put this on. So I think she's going to be all right. But Jesus, she was like in serious condition. Serious condition. And then I remember when I was in 1977, I was 15 or 16. I think a guy named Stapleton, I think his name was for the, I want to say, for the Red Sox.

Lined one, foul ball into the crowd and it hit a kid i remember jim rice went into the stands and was carrying picked this kid up and jim rice had like blood on his shirt and and um it was like holy christ never seen that happen um do you know one person has been killed by a foul ball in the history of Major League Baseball? And do you know who hit the ball? Do you know who hit it? I'll give you a second to Google it. No, it wasn't Alan Craig. He's never hit a ball. He's hitting negative 129.

It was Manny Mota. I don't know if he was a Dodger back then. Manny Mota, who was known for, I think he was known for getting hit by a lot of pitches. Holy moly. That's a sign the show's over. Anyways, it's my wife from the stables. Hi, honey.

On my way home now. Oh, she's on her way home now. It's nice you could make it. It's quarter of seven for Christ's sake. I'm so hungry I get a hunger tail. Google that. That's when starving kids get so hungry that shit now thrown at testers.

Oh, it's a brutal show. Isn't it? No need of that talk. But Manny Mota lined one into the audience and killed, I think, a 14-year-old boy back in the 70s. So just pay attention. That's it, kids.

I'm going to go upstairs. Red snapper. No, not my wife, the fish. Got a three-and-a-half-pound red snapper. I'm going to cook that tonight and wash it down with some jelly beans. Anyways, good talking to you again you're the best you know that don't you sure you do go get uh another senseless killing so i can feed my arthritic horse rub a bomb on its ass uh i'll see you at red's this sunday night

carlstadt new jersey 7 30, again with a very funny Kendrick Cunningham, and you can get my album on iTunes too also. That's it. You guys are the best. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all I am down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else

No, no I'm not like everybody else Good morning, good day, good afternoon, good evening, everybody. I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna to live my life like everybody else And I don't want to be destroyed like everybody else And I don't want to get a job like everybody else guitar solo guitar solo you