The Nick DiPaolo Show - 087 - 2 Wops

Episode Date: July 1, 2015

2 Wops

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, you cocksucker. What is this, Stopping Fresh? Mind your business. Yeah, you know that theme song. It could be two people. Joe Montana or Joe Mattarese. I'll give you a hint today. I thought it was Joe List. Yeah, actually three people.

The great Joe Matariz. Yeah. And he resorted to violence. How unusual. I told you. Did I ever tell you the story? I was going to a Yankee game once, and there was a guy with a lefty guitar

dressed up like Jimi Hendrix playing Hey Joe. And he was changing the words to Hey, Hey OJ. Hey OJ, where are you going with that knife in your hand going to cut my old lady for sleeping with Ron Goldman. That was his rhyme. Who was it? Bo Burnham? It was Bo Burnham.

And that man was Bo Burnham. And that man was Bo Burnham. Where did that happen, Joe? At Yankee Stadium. We like to start with the heavy stories right at the top. Yankee Stadium. What year was that? It was probably Oscar Gamble. It wasn't that long ago.

It was the old Yankee Stadium. I still remember it was one of the worst and best forced rhymes I've ever heard. Ron Goldman instead of... But hey, OJ distincts. Hey, OJ. What a dink. Did you hit him?

Did you break his guitar like Belushi did in Animal House? I should have. Smashed it over his head and went, sorry. I should have. Funniest thing I saw. I went to Mets, you you know yankees world series i got a ticket somehow and um i'm walking through the parking lot i can't remember if it was a mets fan that that tripped over himself or a yankees fan but some guy like in his 50s carrying lawn

chairs and shit and he stepped on his own shoe and like fucking fell face for it like hard and like five yankees fans surrounded him and started laughing their balls off it's the fucking meanest funniest thing i've ever seen nobody tried to help him up including myself oh i pretended i didn't see anything right on the face too he went down like he was shot like a kennedy he did that little A little help. I can't top that one. That's good. I'm not asking you to.

This isn't a contest. You're already in a good mood because you saw a guy go down hard before even going again. I was belly level. It was like just the hatred between the two teams. And I saw what was at stake there. You know, you think a little bit of sportsmanship will help the guy up. Guy's femur is like sticking through his pants. I'm amazed at how dumb people are sometimes, fans,

where they'll go to opposing teams wearing their jersey, you know. And not expected to get. Yeah, like this guy James. That's because you're from Philly. Isn't it true? Yeah, well, not only Philly. I've gone to Yankee Red Sox games in Yankee Stadium. I've gone to Yankee Red Sox games in Yankee Stadium. I've gone in Yankee Red Sox at Fenway.

And it's just, I'm amazed. To show up with your gear on. Yeah, it's kind of dumb. Yeah, well, I guess you get a pass when it's a Yankee Red Sox because it's half and half every time you go to a Yankee Red Sox game at Fenway. There's a ton of New York fans there. Yeah, it's almost an even fight ton of New York fans there. Yeah. It's almost an even fight.

Yeah. And vice versa. Yeah. Red Sox fans take over Yankee Stadium. I remember the first time I went to a Yankee-Red Sox game at Yankee Stadium, guy slides in home, and I can't tell if he's safe or out because I can't see the ump. I got shitty tickets. And I'm trying to go by the response of the fans,

but you don't know which. there's so many of each fan. You're like, is he fucking safe? Is he out? What the hell just happened? Help me. Well, Joe's from Philly. You know, they're known for their love, their sports. You know, they drill.

I was watching that game when Santa Claus got pelted with ice balls. Who were they playing? I don't remember. Probably the Giants. I don't know. It was a national game. Were they losing't remember probably the giants i don't know it was a national game were they losing i'm embarrassed i'm not an eagles fan all i remember is santa getting fucking drilled killed and they put the camera on them it was fucking i was belly laughing that's not philadelphia just to just to fucking beautifully mean yeah well because you grow up in a city like that you can't go live in other cities that don't have that passion.

But you'd think you'd be safe wearing a neutral Santa suit to Veterans Stadium. But you're right. I do laugh when I see somebody that got all Yankees garb. It's like, it'll be like, you know, you putting on one of those Hasidic hats with the curls and going to Tehran, trick-or-treating. I knew a young comic once that was some guy that I knew, and he was coming down to do like a five-minute spot at this club in Philly. And his name, folks, David Brenner. David Brenner. He showed up

wearing a cowboy's jersey to go on stage I go dude you don't remember who this was who was the comic go ahead who was the comedian

oh you want his name yes oh god Joe's staring at me he probably doesn't even do comedy more remember he went neither do I

but I'm not gonna live in I think he went by the name of Benny Ben... Benny shit. I can't remember it. Benny Hotz! Benny Hotz. That was the stage name, and I told him... Benny Hotz! I told him to get rid of it.

Go by your real name. He's like, my name's Barry, but I like Benny. I'm Benny Hotz. A Jewish kid then. Barry Hotz. I think he was half Italian, half Jewish. That's very Philly. Shows up with the Eagles jersey on to go on in Philly. Gets a cheese steak with cream cheese. That's funny.

Have you said that before? No. How did I never hear that before? That's like... Half Jew, half Italian. Yeah, that's the best half Jew, half Italian joke I've ever heard. I'll have the cream cheese steak with onions and mushrooms. You want a whiz or a provolone?

I'll have cream. Which one's cheaper? Cream cheese. Which onions and mushrooms? You want a whiz or a provolone? No, I'll have cream. Which one's cheaper? Cream cheese. Which one's cheaper? That would be the Italian saying. Nobody's cheaper than an older Italian vote. No, it's true. I mean, come on. My dad's legendary. Yeah. I don't know how the Jews got stuck with that. We're going to underscore

this whole podcast. A little special effects. I just got off the phone with my dad as I pulled up to your house. Yeah, I could hear him yelling. Yeah. I mean, you get your windows rolled up and what was he chewing you out for? He wasn't chewing me out.

He just likes, he likes to talk about what movies he saw and he has ADD like me and he'll change subjects. ADD? How about his hearing? Yeah, he's,

my dad has hearing aids. He's loud. Somebody fucked him in the ear? What? My dad's a huge a huge fan of yours. He came to the show that you were on. When?

You, me, and Artie did Philly once and he came. That must have been a good set up. He came. He's a huge fan and he listens to

whenever you and I do a podcast. Oh, wait, I've met your dad. You've met my dad a couple times. Yes. Him and my brother love you. And he, who, do you look like the old man?

Somebody looked just like him. I look a little bit like my dad. You did, because I knew the minute he walked in. Yeah. Somehow I knew. My younger brother was with him, and he doesn't look anything like me. That's right. That's right.

I was surprised you said that's your brother. No, they both fucking love you. They should. You know, I'm Italian, and you can see me for 18 dollars on the jersey sure they should love me you talk about money you talk about a good value for your dollar uh so it's just oh just one quick thing and then you can i get nothing talk away man i didn't write anything down this is perfect perfect. I mean, gay marriage. Congratulations, Joe. I knew you and your life partner, Kevin.

That was good news. I'm very excited. But go ahead. No, it's my dad being cheap on the phone as I'm pulling up here. Yeah. I'm having a barbecue that you couldn't come to this Fourth of July because you go to Massachusetts. Yeah. Of course.

And I started calling all the people, telling each person what to bring. Who's coming? I guess i'm a i'm a cheap i guess i'm a cheap cheap fuck too yeah that's not good it's really not good form to tell you guess what to bring do you do that or you just say show up and you just feed them all i'm poor man you make more than me listen to him his wife's a doctor for christ's sake i know he cleared almost 1800 bucks at uncle vinnie's the other night so don't tell me um no dude we struggle man you can do that you well you know but you can i i i just tend to uh i told you my first cookout you know patrice gets up here the late great patrice o'neill and he's upset because i don't have steak

on the grill and i go hey motherfucker what do you what do you you know i had two lines on grace on the fire in 1997 jesus christ and he's expecting steaks on the ground and he complained about it so i said all right fucking we send boss to the store boss comes back with steaks i gave money on it and uh so patrice insists on cooking and then he doesn't eat him really he doesn't even touch him i go you fucking what the fuck he just wanted to take over the grill i guess he probably he did that on purpose probably to just be a jerk on he thinks it's funny patrice he wouldn't do anything like that yeah that was like it was i remember once i'm talking to somebody important on the phone this is when everyone had a flip phone

and patrice would just walk up to you and go i can see your phone and he would just close it right in front of you. It was hilarious. And then he'd hand it to you. Here you go. I just hung up on that important deal. Go fuck yourself. And then he comes to the next cookout the next year. I think I might have already said this on the podcast,

but he comes with and shows up with like $300 worth of Chinese food. Gets out of his Escalade. The Escalade's filled like a bus with paper. I see brown paper bags in the back. He's got $300 worth of Chinese food. So that's just another way of saying, fuck you. I don't like your food and how you have cookouts. And he says, I go, what are you doing?

You have diabetes. And I said, you have diabetes and shit. He goes, it's healthy shit. Don't fuck. He opens it. I see orange chicken, orange beef, fucking, you know, maple glazed salmon with a fucking donut powder crust dude i didn't see a vegetable it's chinese i don't even think there was any rice oh god but god bless him he fucking let me have it that's not even a food that belongs at a cookout either

oh i know chinese it's like bringing sushi to a cookout i know it. It's 110 degrees. Let me load up on that greasy pork. Well, my dad's cheap move was he goes, what do you want us to bring? I go, I'm calling everybody to tell them what to bring. And he goes, well, what do you want us to bring? I go, I'm calling you first

so you can tell me what you want to make and you can make it. That'll be perfect. So no one's got anything there. Yeah, my parents are coming. So they go, what do you want us to bring?

I go, what do you feel like making? He goes, how about sausage? I'll bring a whole bunch of different kind of sausage and Italian bread. I go, perfect. And then he goes, I can bring some beer, too. What kind of beer? I go, that kind you had when I went to your house last week was great. Bring that.

He goes, that's nine bucks a six pack. That's not for comedians.'s for family yeah well you know what you can take some of the october fest that you brought me like two years ago have it yeah it's in the freight you think it's still good no no you don't like beer i just didn't get to it i don't know it was there well i'm a puss i drink you know i drink heineken light oh. Oh, do you? I hate light beer. Well, I do too, kind of. But Jesus Christ, I mean, if I'm going to have 10 of them, you know what I mean? You have 10 in a sitting?

Well, at a cookout, I will. As long as I'm driving. I don't have any kids. Who cares about that? I could get ripped at this cookout if I want. I don't have anywhere to be. I'm not working Saturday night. Now, what comedians are coming?

All right, you won't know any of these guys. I have low level. You were going to be the big name. I should have known that because the name of the cookout is Weak Features. Well, Artie Lang and I haven't spoken in like three months. I don't know what happened. That's about as bad. I haven't either.

You haven't either. Yeah, people keep asking me on Twitter. Well, you do know what happened. You already told that story. Yeah, I didn't tell you You haven't either. Yeah. People keep asking me on Twitter. Well, you do know what happened. You already told that story. Yeah. I didn't tell you. Not on here. I told you off air.

Oh. And then Artie and I fixed it. Oh, you did? And he said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk. Fixed him, Joe. And then he didn't call me again. So I don't know.

We fixed it. It was fine. And then, I don't know. His mom was just sick. I know he talked about that on his podcast. Is she all right? I don't know. Because I'm not talking to him his podcast. Is she all right? I don't know because I'm not talking to him. I would love to know, but I don't know.

I saw a picture of him, and his mom was in the hospital. But I think she's okay. But I don't know what happened. Now, why do you think she's okay, or are you just guessing? Are you hoping? I read something he tweeted out, and it just looked like she's okay. But she was in the hospital. Hope she's all right.

Yeah. So, yeah. So Artie's not coming to the cookout. Let's see who you know who these comics I know. You don't know any of them. Why would I know any of them? They don't work in the city? You know Josh Accardo.

You know him. Who? That's the name you open with? He knows you. You know him. You're right. I don't know any of them. You know him by face. Josh who? Josh Accardo. You know him. Who? That's the name you open with? He knows you. You know him. You're right. I don't know any of them. You know him by face.

Josh who? Josh Accardo. He's half Hawaiian, half Italian kid. Where does he hang on the stand? I'm the worst, man. You're right. I probably do know him. Yeah, he knows you.

So Josh Accardo, there's a headliner. Holy shit. What is this, the G-list? There's no headline. Do you know tom van horn tom van horn yes he was a linebacker for the giants wasn't he in 1970 oh that was van pelt sorry do you know him tom van horn you don't know him mike burton holy shit you're really swimming with the fishes aren't you mike burton is he related to my agent tony burton these guys

have actually the names, like Mike Burton. I actually picture them on Twitter. I can see the names, maybe. Yeah, they've been around in the New York area for a long time. That makes it even more depressing. But it's a Saturday on Fourth of July. A lot of the comics that you probably do know couldn't come. Why?

What are they doing? They're just doing stuff like you are. They're either going to family out of town. I know. Anthony, call me on whose podcast I did yesterday, he's like, are you doing anything this week? Because he's going to have like a two-day blowout at that McMansion, which I would love. That'd be fun. You know, a bunch of hooves are going to be coming in and out of there.

It'd be nice. Yeah, that'd be good. I'll be sitting there with my sisters going, how you been? Haven't seen you in eight years and you haven't called me. Pass me the pork chops, chubby. And my mom and dad at my party. You know Veronica Mosey? Yes.

She'll be there. Yes. You know her. Yes, we did it! Where's she been hiding? She had a kid. She had a kid? She had a kid.

She has a one-and-a-half-year-old. Her husband is this Australian guy who is a singer-songwriter guy, and he always brings his guitar and hands out. Does she do comedies, though? Yeah, yeah. She's actually pretty funny. She's funny. She's about 6'2", 220.

She looks like a tight end. I used to bust her balls up, but she stepped on my foot. I go, Jesus Christ, it's like a Clydesdale stepping on my foot. Yeah, she is about 6'2". I love her, though. She's actually funny, mean, funny, but funny. Oh, yeah. She's great.

I don't see her in the New York clubs. She gets pissed about it. She's one of these comics that I think just told Esty. She told Esty how she felt, and it did not come off well. Okay, but that's not the only club in the city. But that's why she doesn't want to. I think that has something to do with her at the at the at the club at the cellar. No, that would do it.

Esty, you know, probably hold that against her. If I know Esty. Oh, yeah. But she was funny, Veronica. I'm not just saying that. She kills. Yeah, she would. She would shake that room some night.

Oh, yeah. She's great. Her husband, like, is a singer songwriter. He brings his guitar. He hands like a list out of all. He has like a fucking 10 page list. Everything he can play and sing and know all the words to. So it's fun as shit. He just hands it out.

And I have my friend Andre. He's the guy that shot my web series and everything. He can sing and play, too. So he usually brings his guitar. And we have a jam session in the backyard. It's fun. All right. So you got a band with two guitars and a bunch of opening acts from New Jersey

in the Long Island area, and your parents. Count me in. And Paul McCartney. He's coming by. Paul what? Paul McCartney. John Cougar Meloncat.

Fuck you. Fuck you. No reason at all. John Cougar Melon Dump. Joe's looking at his phone right in the middle of the show. No, I have a list of who's coming to the party on the phone. Well, since you're hitting such big names, I don't know if she really should go through. See, I have a lot of family coming.

I know, you're a family. Joe's a traditional, he really is a good guy. This guy, Mike Bazile. Mikey Bazile? Mike Bazile might come. He invested in my whole special. a traditional he really is a good guy this guy mike bazil who and who mikey bazil bazil might come he invested in my whole special didn't his dad did not his dad his grandfather invented the cannoli or the zamboni or both probably did the family's got a lot of money they pay for my whole special they did the whole thing boom well you gotta pay him back like they're getting a cut right yeah but probably not they know they're getting they're getting are cut, right? Yeah. Probably not. No, they're getting a percentage of what it sells for.

Really? What's the old man do? They own their own hedge phone company. One in Puerto Rico, one in Central Jersey. Oh, no kidding. Gambino Trust, I think it is. I was trying to get them to take me on like a prize fighter and back my whole career. I almost had them.

Then my manager, I called i called him yeah he came into a meeting with rick dorfman and conan smith and then he he mentioned something in the meeting or no rick dorfman mentioned something in the meeting that i just saw his brain go no what was and what did rick mention my former manager i remember he goes uh because we were talking to him about maybe like i said back, backing me, thinking, let's do something bigger than you just paying for this special. What could you do with Joe's career to take him to another level? I wanted him to hire me a high-end publicist and see what we could do with it. Just pay the money, try to get fucking articles, every eye we can get on anything that I do.

talking articles, every eye we can get on anything that I do. And so we take the meeting, and Rick Dorfman, this is funny, because Rick listens, well, he probably listens to your podcast, too. He listens to mine sometimes. He goes, how about you and Joe start in, like, your own kind of production company, so then you don't have to just do Joe's ideas. You could take on all Joe's friends' ideas, too.

You could take on any idea you think is great. And all of a sudden, I just see the guy's brain go. That's literally what happened. Do you have a sound effect for just all the money being drained? A flush of the toilet would work. No, but I have what you should have done to Rick when he said that. What's the idea? Get upstairs.

Sit down. It's never not funny. That's what he should have done in the fucking meeting. Never not funny. So the guy literally out loud goes, you know what? I'm old. I don't want to work. I'm done. No. I'm old. I don't want to work. I'm done.

No. I'm just giving you the money for the special. What the fuck was Rick thinking? No, I don't know if that. That's not a terrible thing to say. Why would you? But something he said made the guy go no. Yeah, he said he was talking to the guy like the guy was in his early 30s and had zillions of dollars to spend.

That would be a good idea. Yeah. How old is the guy? The guy's in his mid to late and had zillions of dollars to spend. That would be a good idea. Yeah. How old is the guy? The guy's in his mid to late 60s. Okay. You really think he wants to start a production company?

He didn't want to do any work. No, he just wanted to back your special. Yeah. And maybe... Captain Crunch stuck his nose in it. Well, he still backed

the special, but he might have been interested in... Who knows? Maybe I can go to this guy if I have some other idea or some sort of film or something. I don't know what I could go to this guy if I have some other idea or some sort of film or something. I don't know what I could go to him for where I need money, but it just...

Have you done that? Have that feeling where you got somebody on the ropes and then all of a sudden they knock you the fuck out. I love how you said you wanted him to take me on like a prize fight. I said racehorse. Benny Kid Perrette. I said racehorse and he used to say, I like the on like a prize fight. I said racehorse. Benny Kid Perrette. I said racehorse, and he used to say, I like the analogy of a prize fighter better. He didn't like the racehorse. Please welcome Joe Mattarese, Benny Kid Perrette.

I have no idea who that is. It's a guy who, I think it was Emil, what's his name? Emil, oh my God, dude. This is what happens when I sleep three hours a night. He's the guy, Benny Kid Perrette's the guy that get killed, one of the guys that get killed in a ring. By who, Mancini? No, no, not Mancini.

Emil, yeah, black guy, back in the 50s. Oh God, I wish I knew who did it. Oh God damn it. This is, anyways. What are you looking for? If you ask me this tomorrow, if I had five hours sleep, I'll spit it right out. Rocky Marciano?

I don't know. That guy didn't kill anybody. It's not worth the effort. So Dorfman didn't help you out with that? No. No, did you? And you blew it! You blew it!

Did you say that to him? People like Rick and Conan, though, so. I like them both, too. I'm busting Rick's butt. Yeah. Actually, I actually said this. Out of all the managers I hit, he gave more effort than any of them. You know?

Yeah. Guy can play the shit out of a guitar, too, by the way. He's amazing at the guitar. He actually builds guitar. Does he really? He couldn't get me a 10-inch spot on TV, but he could build a guitar with his eyes closed. He's very good. I've seen him play.

I'm like, do I get that showcase for HBO? He goes, no, but look at this Les Paul I just fucking whipped up in the kitchen. Out of duct tape and fucking butcher string. Butcher. Yes. Excuse me. Excuse me. Butcher string.

Is that what it's called? No. I wonder what that string is called that you wrap around meat and shit. Yeah, that's butcher string. Is it called butcher string? Yes. Okay. No, it's called rape victim string.

How about, what else? Have you been to Kumi's house, Anthony? No, I was going to say, all your leads haven't worked out for me. He recommended me to the guy in Tampa Tampa and he never got back to me. Hold on, hold on. Did you hear how he just turned that on me? Did you hear what Joe Matt, he just took a classic like Rick Dorfman technique and spun it around

like I failed him. No, no, no. Let's start with the, let's start with Tampa, the owner of the side splitters. He asked me for his phone number. And you know what? I don't give out phone numbers unless I have permission to. That's why I didn't give you that number. Oh, I didn't know

that. That's rude. You should have said that. I should have said that. Then you would have never come over to my house again. No. You made it sound like... I said, can you hook me up with that guy? You go, yeah, I just told him about you. I did. That made me sound like... No, no, that was after, Joe. That was after before you asked me to call him. That was later on

after I went down there, but you asked me before. I don't give out an ambulance I have permission to. Oh, okay. That would be rude if you called him. No, no. I know that. I thought what I was asking you to do when you went to Tampa is... It's a dangerous situation. ...is say to

him, a friend of mine, Joe, that's a different conversation, which I did. And he would love to work your club. Can I give him your number to contact you? Jesus, I had to give him a little speech like that? Well, just something so he knows I'm going to contact you. I said, Matariz has been on, you know what? America's Got Talent.

I go, go watch that set. It was unbelievable. Right. Did you really say that? Now you're lying. No, I said, I told you. I said, he's been on Letterman. He's done Letterman a few times.'s america's got talent he's a funny and he goes

oh the guy that flipped out in philadelphia see i don't know what that i don't either maybe he was thinking of it was billy burr who flipped out in philly yeah yeah i wish that was me i don't know so i don't know what he was talking about yeah but uh and then the other you just asked me yesterday for something and i the text i didn't get it till today. Who did I ask? You asked for another lead. Oh, Chaz and AJ. Oh, yeah, I got a hold of them.

I'm fine. Okay. Because I just- No, because they always want me to do the show, and I lost an email that had their, I just needed an email. Well, you're going to get your shit together. Yeah. I had the producer. I didn't have-

Oh, Phil? No, it's a girl. Pam. Pam, yeah. She's on air personality, too. What, an Italian name? I don't know her last name. It doesn't matter.

Do they help sell seats, that show? It sounds like when you do it, it helps your Connecticut gigs. Hey, last time I did, you know what? The Ridgefield Playhouse, which I'm doing on July 18th, folks. It's a Saturday night. It's my favorite gig of the year. It's the only gig where I actually put out some effort. And July 18th, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut.

And you don't have to live two minutes from the place. If you like my comedy, get in the car. It'll be worth it. It'll be terrific. You'll see me after the show. I'll be arguing with my wife in the green room, and fucking she'll be crying. It'll be great. I don't even know.

I assume she'd come because it's 30 minutes from my house we'll be home by 1115 and she came last time because it's a nice gig we were just in Ridgefield today remind me to talk about that planning our wills and shit this is a fucking uplifting conversation how about just talk about it right now I gotta remind you how about we talk about your wills

look we're both afraid we're gonna forget but uh Ridgefield Playhouse, July 18th. And get another Senseless Killing, please. Go to nickdip.com. I don't see it right now on the iTunes charts. It goes in and out, but put in the code radio, and you'll get three bucks off. And, again, you can have the MP4, the MP3, whatever you want.

You can watch me. You can listen to it. And it's a killer. People will like it. It's a killer album. Some of it's tasteless. It's mean. It's funny.

And some of it's clean. A little bit of thing for everybody over there. But what were we talking about? You told me to remember that. No, before that. Before we get into. What led us to Ridgefield? Oh, talking about you asked me to Chaz and AJ's number.

And the numbers were good, yes. Last time, you know. Now they're on in two big states. They're like all over Connecticut. Two states? No, two stations in Connecticut. They have the whole state, though. Oh, okay.

They're really good morning guys. I'm doing a gig in New Haven, Connecticut. Yeah. And I'm going on their show on like a Friday morning. It's not your typical morning like when you're on the road and you do it uh because they play music so you only get a few chances to you can be there all morning all right it's a three hour shift yeah they'll put in a shift no i know i know they do that for a free shift that's what they do no i know and then they like after my 50th time doing

i go i'm getting there i'm fucking. Yeah, that's how I feel. They're great guys. They're great guys. And it did. We were close to sold. Almost filled last year at Ridgefield. No Chaz and AJ. There's four people there.

I don't know. I don't know. Look, I did other shit. I didn't just promote it there. Usually you can tell I'm one of those fucking, I'm one of those comedians I'll go on stage when I'm doing a gig like that going, who's here because of this? Who's here because of that?

I like to figure out what worked. I stopped doing that because, you know. Looks bad. Doesn't look bad. It doesn't reflect on me. I stand up on stage and I do this. And this is why I'm not asked back to a few clubs. I'm like, okay, so who heard me on Wacky Zoo fucking 106 this morning?

And three people out of the 200 there will raise their hands. You're like, what the fuck did I get up to say that? And I'll say that to the fucking manager in the back of the room or whoever. I go, what did I fucking tell you? What is this, 1986? I could get more tweeting than, you know. Nobody, no kids that go out. First of all, it's young people who come out to the comedy club.

They're not up at 6 a.m. listening to fucking radio. And if they are, they're going to be in bed by nine am i right they'll come to the sunday seven show yeah you know who makes it you know who it's the chick it's date night for comedy club audiences most of the time right right it's couples and you know who makes that call the girlfriend it's not the guy right that's why the audience Is always 60% girl The girlfriend makes a call And you know Makes the reservation Just got nothing to do Why

The reason they have us Do morning Reservation I don't want to let it lie Okay What Yeah let it fly Reservation

Go ahead Not for nothing They got me doing chairs And fucking AJ I'm doing three times Fucking three hours over there What am I a fucking 12 year-year-old Vietnamese girl making sneakers? Oh.

Yeah. Hey, they got certain fucking shows fucking work. That's what's weird. You don't know which one it is, though. Like, fucking, you do Philadelphia. You do Helium. You do Preston and Steve. Fucking, you'll get like 40 extra people.

Preston and Steve? Yeah, they got the wacky sidekick fucking Lou with a cow out of tits he's running down the street naked they got lottery tickets on his ass and I'm not even doing I'm so tired I came to Pauly today it's fucking horrible I can see the tiredness in you but

my point being is you know why they have us do morning radio Joe it's got nothing to do with you getting people into the show that night or the next night it's there to remind the fucking town that there's a comedy club. You're a shill for the club. That's true. You're not going to get any. Unless you're fucking a household name.

Then if you're a household name, you're not doing the morning zoo. You know? You're doing TV or whatever. You're calling in. If you're Billy Burrow. Or you're calling in. Or you're calling in. If you're a really big name guy.

No, exactly. So that's what always pissed me off. I go, this isn't about me getting people on the internet, is it? It's about, you know, you're reminding Ridgefield, not Ridgefield, but you're reminding Phoenix, Arizona, the funny bones in Phoenix or whatever. I owned a comedy club for like a week at one time in my career. You owned a comedy club? Yeah, it was fucking a disaster.

I went out of business in like a month the comedy club yeah like you know one of those kind you blew it what happened when i was starting here this when i was starting out we had one in like in a hotel like one of those where you put the comedy club in the hotel yeah and i remember my partner at the time it might have been the hotel he picked it was the capri motel it's about a block from la guardia have you seen it the semen on the sheets from 50 different countries on a monday night it didn't work it was a club in my hometown cherry hill Hill, in this hotel. Wait a minute. I did the gig.

No, you never did it. No? You probably did it when somebody else owned it. Oh, when Rascals. Rascals, yes. It's exactly the room that Rascals had. Wasn't a bad room, actually. And actually, the guy who I was partners with, he was a morning radio guy.

And who was that? He was in a lot of radio stations, more than one. I'm not going to say his name. Oh, I know who. He's an Italian kid. Yeah, you probably know him. He used to be a doorman at a certain place. Did he? A certain strip club. He did? If we're talking about the same

kid. Is he tall or short? Oh, he's about 5'1". That's not him. And he weighs about 100 pounds. No, this guy's big. So was this guy. He was a doorman at a titty bar. Oh, I didn't know that. It might be guy's big. I'm kidding. So was this guy. He was a doorman at Titty Bar. Oh, I didn't know that. It might be the same guy. So he wanted to spend a lot of money on radio ads.

And I used to tell him, I'm like, dude, if you're mentioning fucking some comedian that no one's heard of, it's a waste of money. Right. If you mention a big name on the radio, yeah, that's going to sell tickets. But if you mention... You can lie on air. Just go... Say a name go say a name yeah no no i'm just saying oh say that it's a big name who's more tired me you yeah say it's a big name you know you got judy goal headline but you say it's fucking uh you know brian riggins whoops a lot of clubs do that whoops so they canceled i see my name

i go on twitter the stan uses my name seven days a week. Really? Yeah. No, you know what it is? It's retweets. People will retweet. And it confuses people. From three days ago.

I've seen retweets with posters of me from, like, it'll say 2008. I'm like, why did you just tweet this? Trying to help you out. It's at a club that I don't even work at anymore. Smash his fucking face in. Exactly. it's it's it's at a club that i don't even work at his fucking fashion exactly uh hey hey so what else are we talking about uh i was talking about oh yeah richfield today me and the wife went over and and this is why it's really you know i'm so i'm the first one to go ah you know movies portray and sitcoms the husband's the dope

and the wife's the fucking genius but in this case in my situation it is almost true um like you said she's great at stuff i'm good but she's good at the the adult stuff you know like planning our wills and living trusts and we had that we had that meeting today with our financial advisor really yeah he took us over to this other lawyer this woman who does wills and and you know living wills and living will is when let's say you you know you were knocked into a coma is this still alive and you know and is it a process or you can't just get it all done in one day we got most of it done well it's a process actually like when we met with the finance this is this all right this could get fucking boring no i want to know what the financial advisor gave uh this whole folder to my wife

fucking months ago uh to fill out you know you know you're speculating and everything what do you think nick will be making you know in the in the next 15 years you know are you list to your vacations how much you spend what do you expect i mean shit that you you're like really how the fuck i don't know what's going on making next week you're asking us to look down the road 20 years but you so you sort of filled it out just to have a base and and and and you know my wife did all that shit and and then we met today with you know the people this woman who does estate planning when you you know die what goes to who and blah blah blah and and she did the woman is obviously really bright that our financial advisor you know introduced us to

and she's been doing this forever and she's really and my wife was just keeping right up with her i was like a three-year-old kid staring at the ceiling holding my prick after 10 minutes bored out of my mind i followed along for the first half hour and then I fucking zoned out. I couldn't. It gets so complicated. I actually said that to her. I go, to the lady, I go, you know, I liked it better back in the Pilgrim's Day. You drop dead and they fucking, you know, they bury you under a butter churn in the backyard.

Your kid would get a shovel and your daughter would get a hat. Did you have to pick plots out and all that kind of stuff or's something different no that's something different okay this is all the headache paperwork right that your wife will probably your wife's really bright no she's what you're explaining is every time we have a financial meeting is i tried really hard to focus and i can't and then she's got it all well and it's really important but see this is you know it's so funny because they touched on another sopranos it's the security that the women want you're talking about your deaths right at the table i'm laughing my balls off i'm cracking these jokes the lady was fucking cracking up talking about long uh what is it called uh when you get old uh you know um

living care and then when they when you you know you get old and assisted living, that type of shit. And I go, yeah, I go fucking, how about visiting angels on Toronto? I thought that was a fucking visiting angels. What the hell is visiting angels? You don't know what visiting angels is? No, what is that? It's a commercial for fucking assisted living. They come to your house when people get old. Oh, they live with you.

No, they come and take care of you and then they go home. It's called visiting angels. And I thought it was a fucking, you know, you call and you have a whore come to the hotel. What do you call it? I can't even think of the fucking word. This is unbelievable. We're dealing with that with my wife's grandmother's, 102. 102?

102. And like about six, seven years ago, we thought we were getting a nice chunk, you know. Of what? Her brain matter when she falls down the stairs? thought we were getting a nice chunk, you know. Of what? Of money. Of brain matter when she falls down the stairs? Of money. Not a huge chunk. It's your wife's?

Grandmother. 102. Wow. So we had planned on that money. And because of that money, my wife would kill me for saying this on the podcast, but I'm not going to give dollars. Yeah, she was going to give us some money, and when she passed away, it was spread out through the family, and we were going to get some.

Yeah, that all has to be planned out ahead of time. Yeah. So what happens is she's lived to 102 now. She's still kicking? So the money just is fucking, it's gone, basically. It's gone, and not that we can go back. It's gone. What the hell's going on out

here really it's all gone but we borrowed against it like steph's mother's very nice you know and she when we bought our new house she gave us a little bit of money to help us get the house knowing that you borrowed against what the money we were going to get from the grandmother later when she passed away we were just give it right back lateral no we like literally she goes i'm gonna i'll lend you this but when you know nana passes away she'll get it right back because we're gonna get some money from her we didn't expect her to live to 102 it's like gone because it cost money to take care of her oh i thought she was i thought her grammy was blowing it on coke and mail strippers and shit no you got a fucking you know brazilian lady living in the house taking care of her.

That shit goes fast. A Brazilian lady? Yeah. She cooks for her. She's there. She doesn't sleep. I think some nights she has to sleep overnight. My parents ain't getting that.

I'm going to find some guy that used to cook at a fraternity and shit. Basically, let's get gross here. This is what happens and why these people get a lot of money. And I know it's for the, they're fucking wiping your parents ass. Like they got to wipe their ass. Like that's part of their job. That's what they're doing a lot is like, Oh, well I know that they can't, I know they know their bells.

They're shitting themselves constantly. This, you're going to go do that. You're going to know you almost pay somebody whatever to do that for you oh christ yeah i uh no my father's mother's ass is gonna look like a rabbit have you ever seen your dog shits and it sticks to his fur sometime yeah that's what my parents would look like i'm not gonna wipe anybody's out yeah that's a bad situation what the fuck he's pissing in a bag now too oh my own fucking kill me now i was amazed that paulie walnuts did not have a spinoff sitcom like the guy everything that you

do a character anything he says is funny how's not? They should have at least tried one. Did they not give him a spinoff? I saw that one a couple weeks ago. I almost fell off their friend Beansy. Remember the guy in the wheelchair? They were at a restaurant and Beansy goes, I got to go empty my bag. And he rolls away from the table and Pauly goes to fucking Tony. He pisses into a bag now?

Oh, my don't. Fucking kill me now. Like a squeamish little girl. Oh, mama. Yeah, this lady that watches my wife's grandmother, she literally, I think she, it's gross. They get constipated when they get old. So not only are you wiping their ass. Now you got to reach up in there like Jim Henson.

Yes. Into Miss Piggy's ass. Exactly. Exactly. The references are unbelievable the skill you have at that. Not bad for a tired guy. How the fuck can you go you weren't

that's just Visual. That's how. How do you what gets you there? You see it? You just said yes you just said reach up.

Boom. I picture a hand going up and instead he grabbed his ass I see Boom. I picture a hand going up. And instead he grabbed his ass. I see Jim Henson's knuckles going up his pig's ass. And when you were younger, did you always, were you always like, that was your thing? References? Yeah, we, that's how, yeah. Do you have friends that would also reference a lot?

Bob Murphy was funny. I told you this kid that, Bob Murphy. What are some of his references that you remember? He was just brilliant. Not so much references, but how quick. And I told this story. I think I told you. Somebody on the podcast.

Our athletic director had Hodgkin's disease. You know, the head shakes. Whatever Michael J. Fox has. Parkinson's. Prince will have that. Parkinson's. jay fox has our our principal had that parkinson's and um so one thanksgiving you know thanksgiving you play high school football in the morning and um so murph was over my house for thanksgiving dinner and my sister gina had gone to the high school game and she came home the guy's name

was charlie vi i think was the principal of our school and she goes yeah everybody was at the game we saw charlie vi and i go how did you first i thought my citizen was too young to know who he was like how do you know charlie vi was bob murphy without even looking up goes he's the only guy there didn't have any snow on his hat without even looking up keeps eating his potatoes the whole table is yeah he went high school. He was our principal or our fucking, he goes, he was the only one that did it like this. And then another time he couldn't get his locker open. His lock was frozen on his gym locker and he's fucking hitting it. He was hitting it with like a metal pipe to try to bust his lock open. He wouldn't, you know, and then he had his shoe.

He was hitting with his shoe. And then he goes, he goes, Kevin, he goes, give me that give me that fucking chair and he goes you're gonna break your lock with a chair he goes no i'm gonna sit down and think about it well without even without even and i mean like this and he graduated first or second in our class he actually worked for a think tank for a while now he makes like public policy i mean just my he's like my comedy idol and everybody in the high schools we used to you know and this other guy

Greg Zook who hopefully I'm going to hook up with this weekend who just retired he's a cop in Miami for 33 years but he went to school with my older sister

he's another one that he used to do the reference he did all the reference oh he was brilliant is that IQ you think being able to find it that fast

or is that it's a function. You know, they say sense of humor is a function of intelligence. But I just told you a story what a dunce I am when it comes to, you know, sitting at a table and figuring out wills and living trusts and how my eyes glaze over. But that's an attention thing. A little bit. But I was, you know, I don't know.

It's the only thing i know how to do make people uh i can cook i i and i give a hell of a hand job but we're not gonna talk about on this episode uh i actually went to a um a neuropsychologist to get tested last week basically for attention deficit like to get medication they won't just hand it to you these days i had to go get like a full i had to find somebody thank god that my so you and i already are talking again thank god my wife is also a neuropsychologist so she can see in she's a neuro neuro a neuropsychologist joe's wife yeah so she can see who's in network and is actually good. When you go in network, usually for anything mental health, they're usually, yeah, they suck.

And most of them that don't take insurance are the good ones. And you're talking $300, $400 an hour. And to get one of these tests done it might be three thousand dollars just to get the test so we found somebody in network and my wife went and did all the research on her she's like this this woman's good she's got her phd she's got this my wife even went with me for the first hour of the test so then my wife leaves and i got to take there was some iq stuff in that test and then there was a lot of like memory dude i couldn't believe how bad i was like they would literally like a

question would be like okay i'm gonna give you a sequence yeah they'll give you three things an umbrella a book yeah and a beach and then five minutes later they'll ask you to name the three some of that stuff someone was like immediate like she would go one a two like she would throw a number and a letter yeah and then you'd have to form it so it was in chronological order so it could be like six f three b and you like had to like get it number then letter the number and then you're playing fucking bingo over there as soon as it hit four or up when it hit like five when it was a sequence of five things i was like just stop i was like is there in my head i'm going are there people that can do this yeah they're all working at fucking nasa i'm nervous you get

nervous you're like what the hell's wrong with me i'm like i'm fucking i'm like no wonder i have trouble with comprehension and all that kind of stuff. It was really, she made me draw a picture. She had all these, it was all like triangles and lines and shit. She goes, draw that. You're looking at it, so you can draw it, right? I'm so stupid, I'm not thinking in advance that she's going to make me draw it again without the picture to look at.

I'm not thinking in advance. So I'm like, I can draw it. That's an IQ problem. I'm an idiot. She pulls it away five minutes later. I'm an idiot. Five minutes later. What the hell's going on out here?

It was almost like she enjoyed it. Five minutes later, she was just like, you remember that picture you drew? Draw it again. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding. I got nothing. I got a line and like a circle. You couldn't remember what picture you drew? Draw it again. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding. I got nothing. I got a line and like a circle. You couldn't remember what you just drew? It had 400 different triangles, lines.

Oh, that's an unfair test. What is this, that Common Core shit? It had a bowling ball with three holes. I didn't even put the circle back in. Nothing. Think about, you know. I haven't got the results yet, but I'm dying to hear it. I can't wait to hear the results.

That'll be the next show. Then there was IQ stuff. You would have cracked up at the shit. I don't know. I'm like, thank God my wife's not here. She'd be turned off for like a decade. Well, like what were the questions there? Cleopatra.

Cleopatra. What was Cleopatra? What was she? It was a hot broad from Egypt with big tits. That's more than I got. She was queen of the desert. I don't know. I haven't seen the fucking movie yet.

What was she? She was a hooah. Why is freedom of speech important? In a democracy, something like democracy, then freedom of speech. I remember that being a question. I was just fucking guessing. Why is freedom of speech important? I'll tell you why it's important.

Because when you send me the bill for this cockamamie test, I should be able to call you a cunt without getting arrested. That just made me think of what you said we got to do during this podcast because before we started recording yeah i said that you could take anything and you can make it negative you have like you're like a magician like that's your trick you said i should do it on stage at a comedy club and then you said we do the podcast just throw some at me and you throw positive shit at me and i turn it into negative turn it in let me think of one what was i want him more with this test okay you want some of the uh the iq questions speech is important that's like an s that's not a i took an iq test this is how bad my memory is. I can't remember. It was only like 15 or 20 questions in there. Then they make you taste like, take a, dude, she goes, this shouldn't take long.

I need you to do this questionnaire. I look at it, 346 questions. I go, how is that not going to take a long time? Well, they are. What were the questions? Who cares? 346. Well, if it's like, should you wipe your ass with your hand or your foot?

Oh, I'm pretty sure I got that one. They were like psychological. Do you ever want to end it? Do you want to kill yourself? And then they would throw fake ones in just to make, so you couldn't just fucking go through it. Like it would, it would be like joke ones in there. Like really?

Yeah. Is, is, uh, is this 41 start with a four? Like stupid shit would be in there. So you couldn't fucking guess. Because you know, like, a crazy person's like, fuck this shit. A, A, A, C, C, C, C. Here, take it. Yeah.

It took me four minutes. Did you rip through it in time? Well, there wasn't a time limit. She goes, no time limit. She had time limits on other stuff. She made me do blocks Right She would show me

A formation With all these different Colors on blocks And I had to like Make it with the formation That wasn't easy What were you trying To get into fucking

You had to mentally Fit shit together To she'd show you Drawings I don't think I don't think This was an ADD test I think it was a test

To get into a pre-K school No Joe put the blocks Joe Take the blocks I don't think this is an ADD test. I think it was a test to get into a pre-K school, no? Joe, put the blocks. Joe, take the blocks out of your ass. Put them in the hole. Which one fits with what? Now, why is freedom of speech important, you little fucking runt?

Well, to me, by the end of the test, it was obvious that I have ADD. But all I thought was, is I take meds to be calm. If you start taking ADD meds, those make you fucking like, you know how you said you feel on edge the next day after you take sleeping pills or something? Yeah. What was your analogy? It feels like somebody took a steel wool to my nervous system. Yeah.

That's how you feel. I only know that because my father used to do that to me when I got a D in math. That's how you feel when ADD meds know that because my father used to do that to me when I got a D in math. That's how you feel when ADD meds wear off because I've taken them in the past. Well, you don't strike me as ADD. The medicine must work for you because I got an agent who I think is ADD. I know is ADD.

Really? Oh, I'll be on the phone with him going, so what's going on? And you get the comedy works and you get that for me and I'll just hear him and go, no,'t want jimmy's on that i uh hello oh yeah what are you saying um but uh you don't it's not your attention you take medication for your add not for add no i have i've taken it here and there see i've listened to my podcast with you on it or me on your podcast and I can hear it ADD a little more where I start answering before you're done

I won't when someone's talking to me I feel like I have to instead of just letting it come to you yeah well you realize when you listen to a podcast back somebody that's really good at interviewing somebody is interested and not thinking about what he's gonna say or trying to be funny when somebody else is talking to you like you're thinking you just named three things i've been doing for an hour do you do that do you think i'm not trying to be a good interviewer when i do a podcast you're trying to come up with because we're two comics right i'm listening to you i i have to. I hang in regular comics. I think it's part of being a good comic, especially if you're sitting around and bullshit with

other comics and you want to be funny. You have to be a good listener. Yes. My radar is up. Whatever's coming out of your mouth, I'm ready to pounce on it. Right. You know? I put myself.

It's almost a mood, you know? And that does make for, I guess, you you know a good interview well even though you're not interviewing me right which is bullshit you're listening i am listening it's the same interesting stories but it's the same with acting if you watch someone that's not a good actor they're not good at listening with the line that they're not really listening to what there's the person saying to them they're waiting to say their line instead of getting, you know, listening to what they're saying and actually getting mad at what they heard. That's right. And going with that impulse.

Well, Joanna Bexon, my acting teacher, used to say, and I say this because, you know, I might be nominated. But she said that that's what good acting is. It's like if you if there was a window and you were looking into people talking and they had no idea that you were watching right sometimes you think you acting's weird because it's not like stand-up you'll go oh that sucked and then the director go no that was great when it feels like you did nothing it's it's similar you don't play golf but in golf when you hit it well it feels like you did nothing and it goes it goes far and straight i well i have been to the driving range so i know exactly what you're talking about the same with a few home runs i hit in high school baseball it's a sweet spot it doesn't even yeah it's like this it's you were relaxed and you just kind of it flowed it yeah exactly yeah when i hit my wife with my hand my

right hand when i slap her across the face. It's just as smooth. Her head goes flying. And this part of the Nick DiPaolo podcast brought to you by Angry Dykes. It's a new breakfast cereal. Angry Dykes. Yeah, so I'll let you know what it is. When a man falls out of your boat and into

the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? Full speed ahead. I'm playing that for the gays. You know, they can get married to any state now, all 50 states, and that's been a little tribute to you. Speaking of psychologists, a little bit bit connects because i saw a movie yesterday don't tell my wife i sneak i sneak i don't know why that what the hell just happened to my brain right there i sneak i sneak i i'll go to the movie sometimes during the day and i know my wife would

be like what the fuck are you doing like why are you going to the movies by yourself during the day. And I know my wife would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, why are you going to the movies by yourself during the day? Because I'm a comedian. Before I met you, that's what we did on the road. I just, I love going to the movies by myself. It gets, it inspires me. I don't know why. And what did you see? I went and saw, no, this movie's called.

Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock. Love and Mercy. Love and Mercy. It's, it's about Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. Yes, I want to see it. Fucking hell. Paul Giamatti's in it. Giamatti's good in it.

The guy that I acted with on the Amy Schumer show who said I should do more of this shit. You got to do a scene with Paul Giamatti? A scene? I did a whole episode. You didn't see the 12 Angry Men sketch? No, where can I see it? Have you ever seen the movie 12 Angry Men? No, but I know what it is.

I mean, the original's the Henry Fonda. That's right. Henry Fonda, and I get to play it is. I mean, the original is the Henry Fonda. That's right. Henry Fonda. And I get to play Lee J. Cobb, the angriest guy in the fucking realm. It's like I'm at the center of it. Oh, I got to see this. Yeah. And Giamatti's in it.

Jeff Goldblum. How'd she get all these people? John Hawks, who you know, you might not, well, you'd know. He was in Deadwood. Do you remember the movie Perfect Storm with George was in Deadwood do you remember the movie Perfect Storm with George Clooney the fishing boat

yeah I didn't see it though oh you didn't see it I know here's a guy that sneaks out to movies every day hasn't seen Perfect Storm

have you seen The Godfather no what's that about oh yeah but you know did you watch Mad Men the first season the guy that played Pete Campbell watch Mad Men? The first season. Guy that played Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Which guy was the white haired guy?

Big forehead. No. Younger guy. He sounds kind of swishy. Yeah, yeah, I know who he is. He's got the big forehead. He's a great actor. He's in it.

Oh, wow. Okay. When you go home, go. Seriously, Google Amy Schumer, 12 Angry Men. I will. It's shot in black and white. That's the other thing about acting is when you're in a scene with people that are really good like all these people you're describing they make you become

an academy award-winning actor so you're saying i get no credit for this you know fucking son of a you son of a i always felt like comedians smash his fucking face i always felt like comedians are all better at drama than comedy that's true yeah. Yeah. Because you're not the try. Well, no. Comedy is a genre within itself. I actually asked Giamatti about this. It's the hardest thing to do. Right.

Because if the writing isn't funny, number one, it's going to look dog shit. But you can't act funny. You have to. It's a silly. It's the hardest thing. Right. Because dramatic acting is what you do every day. You get mad, you get, right? Right, right.

Sometimes it's funny when you're being so real. It accidentally becomes funny. Those are the good kind of stuff. Well, The Sopranos. Yeah. It comes out, the funniest comes out organically. Right. You don't force it.

It's not like a sitcom where everything sounds like a punchline. Those are the worst. I remember when I was living in L.A. and I went on an audition and then I came home and they called a couple days later and I asked my agent, I said, what was the feedback? They said that you didn't find the humor in it. So I called. This is what a psycho I was. I called them after hours.

I get the machine. After hours? Yeah. I get the machine. Yeah.? Yeah, I get the machine. Yeah, I was thinking about it in my car at home. Just fucking angry. And I call the casting company. I get the machine.

I go, yeah, it's Nick DiPaolo. He was in there yesterday or for reading for whatever. Fucking tits of a cow, whatever. And I just go, yeah, I didn't find the humor because there was no fucking humor in it. Really? Fucked. What are you, crazy? Who the fuck did it come come back to you i had like three drinks of me i'm living in la by myself did it come back to you apparently so i'm interviewing you in my basement 15 years later

do you remember what we were i've had my i've been hitting the red zone now do you remember what we were talking about that got us sidetracked to come back to it now? Do you remember? Yeah. What? We were talking about you taking those tests. No. We were done that. Then we moved on to, this happened to me like four times on stage the other night.

Again, it's lack of sleep. Why were we talking about me acting good listening that's a good uh listening no ah why what were we talking about i'm so involved with myself a movie i saw the brian wilson that's right love and mercy john kuzak plays the uh older brian wilson and this what's this actor's name datoto he's really amazing he was in uh little miss sunshine was the first movie he was ever and now he's been at oh he played in uh did you see um did you see uh there will be blood with daniel day lewis yes i did really good he's he's got the he's got a huge part in that dodo i think it's howO., I think is how he spells his last name. But was it a good movie?

It looks like a good movie. It's one of those movies where I can't give it like a complete, like that was an amazing movie. Right. But it's one of those movies you go. It doesn't have to be amazing. It was very interesting. That's enough. Today, that's saying a lot today.

It got all high reviews if you look. With Captain Fantastic and fucking Batman. No, it kills all that. reviews if you look with captain fantastic and fucking batman no it kills all that i yeah i won't see those kind of movies why would you unless you were a fucking nerd and a geek and you get this shit kicked out of you every day in gym class people love it these people go see dumb movies i see dumb people making them dumb people going to see him it's a beautiful formula no this is a... You'd like... I mean, I didn't know a lot of this stuff about Brian Wilson. Fucking Green Hornet. What am I, 11?

Sucker. Paul Giamatti plays his doctor that's living... Yes. And I didn't know the story about that. I do know that. Yeah. Well, I've seen... You knew.

Well, I've read about it since the movie came out. Uh-huh. Yeah. And it's pretty interesting because the movie starts with that Datto guy. Spoiler alert, everybody. Well, it's kind of... No no this isn't giving anything away but daddo basically tells the band you guys go tour i'm not fucking leaving my house like he's a little psycho he's like i'm staying home like who's he playing brian he plays brian wilson as you know back when that album uh pet sounds is that what

it's called am i getting it right that's like god only knows a lot of their big hits are on this album and it has a weird unique sound the whole album he goes you guys go to asia and do your tour i'll write the i'm gonna write the next album without you you guys just come back and sing it i'll have it ready and he's got fucking every instruments you never even heard of but this one scene stood out to me because i think it's the if you listen to uh not god only knows um what's the other big fucking hit bob bob bob bob he wanted bob he wanted to change all the sound he hated all that he hated that shit yeah so this this he was into the beatles he was influenced he's like they're beating us we got to do something really really good and he had that turn up i mean it's known as one of the best i know but i'm saying i think the beatles oh yeah

stomped on their necks did they not sure why not god only knows uh two guys with add no without you whatever that song is i don't know but the beginning they show him and he's trying to come up with weird sounds for the album he's fucking climbing inside a piano and he's got barrettes and he's pulling on his hair

barrettes and he's pulling on the piano strings with barrettes and if you listen to the song really it's got it

at the beginning you're like this is him fucking pulling on those things pulling on the piano strings are you serious yeah go ahead

you got your sound no just play along don't fucking give it away This is him fucking pulling on those things. Pulling on the piano strings. Are you serious? Yeah, go ahead. You got your sound. No. Just play along. Don't fucking give it away. I am serious. I can do two things at once. I'm very serious.

So he's pulling at the strings of barrettes? Barrettes, not barrettes. We say barrettes in Boston. Do you really? Yeah, we don't say barrettes. What are you, from France? You wearing a beret? Barrettes? We call it a beret.

Do you really? No, I'm busting your chops. I thought you were serious. We used to say barretts. My sister would say barretts, not barretts. But you're saying it right, actually. In Philly, they don't say drawers. They say my draws.

Have you ever heard draws instead of drawers? Yeah, I say draws. You say draws? I open a drawer. Yeah. Andy laughs. My wife laughs. It's a drawer.

It's not a draw, right? And I go, what are you, a fucking English major? And then I hit her with a fucking cupcake. I think that's right. I think that's regional. I think that's fucking regional. It's fucking drawers. What the fuck?

Everywhere I've fucking been, it's fucking drawers. Fucking drawers. That's your fucking underwear. Get the fuck out of here. Sorry. Somehow when I get mad, Tony Soprano is perfect. Yeah, you should do that every time. Speaking of him.

It has to be man. Speaking of him. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? The funny thing is... I'll start by making a mountain fold on each corner.

Folding the corners into the center of the paper. Touché, Captain Blood. Plankle Jr. Let's do three mountain folds. Checkers, the thinking man's game. You looking for a smack in the fucking mouth? Corrado. Language, please.

Everybody have this? Okay. What do you want? If you'd move, perhaps I could reach the chess set. And if I don't, what the fuck you gonna do to it? You don't intimidate me. Corrado. So, we take the mouthful... You're lucky she's here, you little prick. And if I don't what the fuck you're gonna do that you don't intimidate me

You're lucky she's here you little prick Naturally you only tough when there's an authority figure nearby so things don't go too far. Oh how the mighty have fought Beat the fuck out of the guy get him get him how do you like that how do you like that oh no that's the funniest show ever what if I don't what the fuck are you gonna do now only Sopranos

has people that can't act and then the show's still good it's one of the only shows what do you mean who couldn't act in a Sopranos it has people can't act, and then the show's still good. It's one of the only shows. What do you mean? Who couldn't act in The Sopranos? It has people mixed in that you'll go, that was bad, and then you'll have some other people that are... That is true, but all the regulars could act.

Who do you think? Oh, I know. You're going to say Stevie Van Zandt, right? I didn't think he was very good, but it didn't hurt the show. No, because it was comedic, and people go, well, he was really over the top. You know what? I knew a guy just like that. My buddy Al Barbaro's dad grew up on the streets of Chelsea.

Really? And one Sunday we were watching football and his dad's friend comes over. He had the hair as high as Silvio Dante and he was like this. I couldn't believe it. It was like watching a cartoon. So then when The Sopranos came out a few years later, I almost fainted. Like 10 years later. What am I saying?

It was like 10, 13 years later. I couldn't believe. So there are guys, but I know what you mean. But on the level, I'm not saying. But Uncle Junior is a great actor. Dominic Cheney. Yeah, you have James Gandolfini and you have. Edie Falco.

Edie Falco. Edie Falco. Christopher Moltisanti played by... I'm forgetting his name. Michael Imperioli. Michael Imperioli. I mean, these people aren't just good. They're like superior. They're just excellent.

Well, they are. But so... Who else? Even Janice Totoro. She's great. She's a great actor. His son's pretty good. Yeah. His son did a good job. And Me's a great actor. His son's pretty good. Yeah.

His son did a good job. And Meadow's pretty good. Meadow's pretty good. But I'll tell you that. I'll point a few of the ones you're talking about. Paulie Walnuts isn't a great actor. He's just funny. That's why I said I thought sitcom would be a great medium for him.

He's a great actor, though. He's being himself. He's a character. But you don't see him in anything anymore. That doesn't mean he's not a great actor. Right. I'm saying... Right. He's not saying he's not a great actor. Right. I'm saying. Right.

He's not saying he's a great actor, but I mean, he was perfect. There's people that were so good. I'll tell you who was so bad. Who do you think was so bad? The worst. Johnny Sachs' wife, Ginny. Poor, God bless her soul, she passed away that way. Oh, she did?

Yeah. But she was the fucking worst. I just thought of another one that was. John! Tony's here! Yeah, she was bad. You know why? You know why she was bad?

Why? Do you know how she got the job? Remember they had a casting call in Jersey where like thousands of people showed up? No. It was like a radio stunt. No, really? Yeah, to win a part on The Sopranos. She got a regular part?

Yeah. Of a radio stunt? I didn't know that. I mean, people who act as an actress, struggling actors and actresses showed up for that contest. She ended up winning. I didn't know that. I mean, people who act as an actress, struggling act as an actress, showed up for that contest. She ended up winning. I don't know how. Well, later in the show,

I know a guy that got a part because he was friends with Gandolfini from years and years and years ago when they were younger. The guy who used to work the door at Caroline's. Caroline's, Bobby. Yeah. He could act.

Yeah. He was good. He got the part just because he knew him. Well, they'd known each other in acting class and stuff for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He could act. Yeah. He was good. He got the part just because he knew him. Well, they'd known each other in acting class and stuff for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I think he was supposed to have a bigger part. I don't think they thought he could act that well, and they kind of kept his part small.

Yeah, I think I heard that, too. But he was pretty good. Did I ever tell you my story about him? I think I've told this story before. What, you get in a fight with him? No. I like that guy. We were friends.

Bobby. Bobby Carnival. What was his last name? No, not Carnival. Not Carnival. He's a great actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby.

Doesn't matter. It's Bobby something. So anyways, honey. Well, Bobby and I used to both live in Astoria. This is probably before or after you lived there. Yeah. Because I don't think we lived there at the same time. I swear I've told this on your podcast.

I'm walking to the Dip Mars subway stop. Yeah. I know. I lived right there. I lived on Crescent and Dip Mars. Okay. I lived right on the corner. Yeah.

Okay. So I'm walking down Dip Mars. Bobby pulls up in this huge black Lincoln, like a really old one, with his kids in the back seat. Yeah. And he used to talk out the side of his mouth. Like I he goes hey joe little stroke mouth yo what's up joe bob where you going that's what he says perfect hey it's all sounds like it does sound like where you going i'm like i'm walking to the subway walking to the subway you want a ride i'm like

yeah i'll take a ride hold on let me pull over He pulls over and smashes a car that's parked on Dipmore. Get out of here. Yeah, then sticks his head out the window and goes, I forgot to hit that car. Jump in, we gotta get the hell out of here. I've told this on your podcast. No, you haven't. I go, Bobby, I would love to jump in and take off. You're going to ruin the punchline of my story.

It's going to ruin it. A punchline to your story? There's a punchline to this. I go, Bobby, I'd love to jump in, but that's my car you hit. He randomly hit my parked car on Dip Mars. It's like a block and a half from my house. Maybe he knows your car. It was hilarious. Maybe he didn't like you. No, it was a piece of shit.

I just started laughing. He gets out and he's trying to put the bumper back on my car. I feel bad. I can picture it. He's trying to put the bumper back on. I go, Bobby, it's fine. The car's got like $195,000. Are you kidding? Yeah. He goes, anytime you come to Caravans, I'm going to take care of you.

What are you? He used to buy me dinner every time I came to Caroline's. You told my car, and I'll get a Bacardi and Diet Coke out of it. Yeah. It was funny. The car was shot. I've never heard that story. Yeah, I think I've told it on your podcast, or maybe not.

You know, I might have ruined the punchline. You did ruin the punchline. But, you know, I ruined it because, what do I have, mental powers? I didn't know it was going to be a... You didn't know there was a twist. I didn't know it was... My stories rarely have a nice twist. I'm fucking telling a story,

you're fucking ruining it. You know, there's a fucking twist coming. Jesus. Sorry, T. I mean, I'm leaving three dimes on the table, no?

What the fuck? What are you talking about here? Holy shit, is it hot about here? Holy shit. Is it hot in here? I was in such a hot thing today that I'm not that hot. What do you mean? Bang the stripper. I was editing.

Oh, yeah. How's that coming? Joe's got a special coming out. It's due out in February of 2021. We did it. I had to sit through the audio edit today. We go to Nyack. I'm in this little studio with this guy.

It's his apartment. And the guy works for the production company also. And we went through it with a fine-tooth comb. Comb doesn't work good on film. You're ripped of film. I told my wife. It's fun, but really TV. Not fun.

The audio part, I'm just going. You're going to hate your material so much. Oh, hate it i'm so glad i realized along with the rest of the nation i think i realize why it's so easy for louis to get to the next hours now because he edits and shoots it can you imagine having to do that all yourself by the time you're done and someone else is editing it you hate every joke so he So he's editing it himself. He must be like, I am never doing any of this shit ever again. I am so sick of it. Well, it could work in reverse.

The fact that he's editing it, he knows what he wants, I guess. No? I mean, he could get to it quicker. Yeah, but you notice when you start going back and forth through the bits and you keep fucking editing and fixing the edit over, you just start going, oh, my God. It loses all the funny to you. It's gone.

I didn't. I took, when we did it, I took most of from one set. Yeah. But I dropped a few things. And then there was a few things I'm like, oh, I shouldn't. There's no need to curse there, Mike. Can we get the other? And then, yeah. few things I'm like, I shouldn't. There's no need to curse there, Mike. Can we get the other? And then, yeah.

Then I just couldn't. Even now, like my guy distributing it and my web guy wanted to start a campaign on Facebook to revive the sales, right? It's been out for six months. And I'm like, and they're calling me. What clip do you want? I go, fucking whatever you guys want to do, do it. I don't want you bothered with it. Right. I don't want nothing to do with those jokes anymore. Yeah do, do it. I don't want you bothering with it. Right.

I don't want nothing to do with those jokes anymore. Yeah. Put it up. I don't give a fuck if the clips suck. Just throw it up there. Yeah, you got to start. Now you got to start spreading the clips on the internet. Yeah, once I tap out sales-wise, I'm throwing this thing on whatever, BitTorrent, wherever.

But that makes people want to buy it, too, if they see a little clip. I see a lot of these guys. Well, my web guys should be doing that mike baker ask him mike fucking get it out there don't wait for me because i don't know this shit maybe put it on bit torrent i don't i don't know the i gotta wait till i you know milk every penny out but i don't i don't know the timeline of when you wait after putting it for sale for a while right start putting right but you don't put the whole thing out. You put like one clip, then another clip, and then you slowly distribute. Right.

But I don't want to be involved in that process. I'll let my web guy. I'll trust him. He knows what he's doing. You know what I mean? Spread it. These fuckers. Spread it like AIDS.

Listen, put this bit up. Why? I don't know. What if it's one of your bits that you don't like at all? It doesn't matter. I don't like it. I don't like any of it anymore. of your bits you don't you like it all so it doesn't matter i don't like i don't like any of it anymore that's what i'm saying it doesn't matter yeah i feel bad because i'm like cheating i'm i feel like i'm cheating doing comedy because i'll be i'll be honest there's spots where i go it's amazing when you're sitting in the audio edit how much better

it can sound when this guy starts tweaking with the sound i'm like that sounds like i'm destroying now like i'm destroying now. What are you doing? Sweetening it? Well, he like... I don't sweeten it. Because sometimes the recording wasn't like... Oh, that's different. Then he just brings it back up.

Oh, yeah. And it sounds so much better. Yeah. But he... I'll be honest. There's spots where I fucking do it. It's not all supposed to be even, Joe, though. It's not supposed to be.

Let it leave. I don't need it to be even. But there's certain things I go, that joke always kills for some reason. So what? It didn't kill that night. Fucking, this is the problem. It's like music when shithead Ronnie Spector, not, what the fuck, Ronnie Spector. I'm yelling at a woman.

What's the idiot that's on trial, Pacino playing on HBO? Well, Phil Spector. Phil Spector. Ronnie, how does that chick? I just know something. Yeah, Phil Spector. My Spector. Ronnie, how does that chick? How did I just know something? Yeah, Phil Spector. My IQ is pretty high. Exactly.

His fucking Wallace. You know, the group Boston, a lot of musicians hated them because they, you know, they perfected the studio computer mixing. And then they would suck live. No, they were good live, but they would make an album perfect through computer, computerized horse shit, playing with it Right And the musicians, you know, the purists are like

Fucking, that's not Especially with comedy, it's not supposed to Every joke's not supposed to be an eight or a seven I'm the same It's alright to have a two in there You know what I mean? I'm the same way Right

I can tell when it sounds wrong I'm like, no, no, no Right That's too much Give that less Yeah, it's like watching a sitcom And somebody says, pass me the donuts You Ten minute laugh I'll let you listen to it Right. That's too much. Give that less. Yeah, it's like watching a sitcom and somebody says, pass me the donuts.

You, ah, 10 minute laughs. I'll let you listen to it. We'll play a clip on it. All right. Well, I'll do that. It sounds like bullshit. Yeah, when you want to plug the shit out of it, let me know. It's hard to tell when you're sitting in this room and they got it on these $5,000 speakers. It's hard to tell what it's going to sound like on television.

Or when people listen to this shit in their headphones now like they like the material they like you there was feedback i had all kinds of did you have i go not feedback no but i had all kinds of problems i'm amazed what the computer can do now he fucking goes there's feedback he throws this thing on all of a sudden the whole screen turns orange and he can go there's the feedback and he just extracts it like he pulls a piece of color out by circling it with the crazy right and it's gone i'm like and i'm i'm like a nut i'm to the point where i'm like why is there feedback what the fuck with what i know right then my mind there was one it sounded weird And it was just... I can't even remember what was wrong with it.

But we had to fuck with it for days. We must be boring the hell out of people right now. Yeah, yeah. Poor myself. I just hit my forehead on the microphone. Anyways. You a Beach Boys fan? Back to the Beach Boys?

I didn't realize that... I can appreciate it. I'm not a huge... I don't own an album. Sloop John B? Yeah. Never heard of it Yeah that's one of their good songs Yeah

I've heard of it I don't Took my son to see Rush last week Yes And how did he do Did he try the heroin I got him He fell asleep at about

Oh then he did try the heroin 10 o'clock God damn Pure horse folks Three hours he's still fucking You're nailing him no please you're tired we had to spin out of that uh how was it joey i was a little disappointed a little bit disappointed by rush in a way tell me if this would disappoint you you're not a huge fan they came out in wheelchairs and shit well no i i don't this out maybe i'm not they didn't do my research i didn't

realize they're not touring anymore. This is their farewell tour. Done. 40 years. It was called the R40. So I'm like, I want to hear the fucking, I want to hear the hits. Crackle with light. Right.

There's five songs that are their major hits that they just skipped. Yeah. It was like they played all, it was like a comedian going, I'm doing all the shit that I like. I don't care that these aren't good bits they were playing obscure shit i mean they're great musicians so i'm like you know what they're great but it was nothing you were familiar with there was five songs i'll name them all that they didn't play let's see if you know them i'm not a big rush fan so don't go by me limelight limelight i love, I love. They don't play it. Red Barchetta.

Oh, Red Barchetta. Do you know that? Yes, I had that at the fucking, you know what? Olive Garden the other day. The Red Barchetta. With the shrimp. Mother of Christ, was that good? I jacked off right into the never-ending bowl of pasta.

Cracking me up. Red B Cheddar. You don't know Red Bar Cheddar? No. Oh, you don't? I probably do, but I don't know the title. It's one of their huge hits. Really?

How's it go? Red Bar Cheddar. Red Bar Cheddar. Hello. My uncle used to have a farm in the Montelon. Yeah, sorry. I missed that one live. I'll play it. No, it's all right. Never fall in the mud alone. Yeah. Sorry. I missed that one live.

No, it's all right. What else you got? We're going to wrap this up. Red Barchetta. Red Barchetta. Blue Moon Odom. You're fucking with me here. I have the worst memory.

I know. It's the medication you're on. No. Well, you're not on meds and you don't lack of sleep dude i lack of sleep i was at uncle vinnie's again not to brag saturday night four different times while i was up there you know i get distracted by somebody had a cell phone on and then i went what was i talking about and these motherfuckers who paid to see me don't even know they don't know i go it's one thing for, because I've been doing this for an hour.

I'm up here, and I've been doing it for 28 years to forget my bits. But you guys, what the fuck is your excuse? And they always just yell out the last word you said. You know, you said her red tits. And I'm like, no, what bit was I doing that I get mad at the audience? Dude, I have to Google it. That's how mad I get. It's not that important.

I don't know why it is to me. Okay, go ahead. While you're looking for that, I'll play some real music by a real band. Pictures. Right now, Joe's looking for a Rush song on his phone, which makes for great radio. So I'll play a little bit of a band that you guys might know. Men Without Slippers. All right.

You get it? The listen, the whole, it wasn't on that album? All right, maybe this will refresh your memory. Don't play other songs. Let's put Rush Greatest Hits. Oh, wait, I have Rush Greatest Hits on my fucking thing. Did I ever tell you the story about this song? Yeah, you blew Tom Cruise, I mean, in the green room.

I thought he was making this movie on the 4th of July. This song's called For What It's Worth, right? Yes. And I was trying to think of the name of this song one day. And I go, what is that song? Hey, what's that song? Let's go. And my friend goes hey what's that sound let's go and my friend goes it's uh it's called for what it's worth uh buffalo springfield i go i know it's buffalo springfield but what's the song called he goes for what it's worth it's buffalo i swear to god

that happened are you three times i went kind of a who's on first yeah italian version i call i said i thought it was uh stop children that was the call, I said, I thought it was Stop Children. That was the name of the song. And I thought it was by the monkeys. All right. They didn't play Fly By Night. They didn't play The Trees. It wasn't The Trees though.

They didn't play Lime Light. Fly By Night. Fly By Night. You know what? I'm wrong. They played Fly By Night. They didn't play Lime Light. Didn't play Red Bird Shadow.

Joe's telling us the songs that they didn't play on a podcast. Free Will. Do you know Free Will? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. They didn't play that is great joe's telling us the songs that they didn't play on a podcast free will do you know free will yeah do you yeah they didn't play that either jesus christ what they do a few fucking they went obscure i'm telling you dude i'm not lying the first eight songs yeah never heard of them it was like could you imagine like this one this one's from bananarama they played the all their brand the audience, you could tell everybody was like, we paid to see them, and this is their final tour, so let's suck it up. I'm sure they'll play the hit.

They had an act break, which I've never seen in a concert. What the fuck were they doing? Les Mis? Yeah, they had a screen come down. They go, we're taking a break. They took a 20-minute break. I've never seen that at a concert. Yeah, that's because they have prostates the size of NBA basketballs.

They're in their late 70s, these fucks. Yeah. So I at a concert yeah that's because they have prostates the size of nba basketballs they're in their late 70s these fucks yeah so i was a little at that my son fell asleep during temples of syrinx and then a fucking explosion went off in the middle of the concert and he was like and i had to hug him i'm like it's all right it's just rush we're alive joe's kid is gonna be a fucking hooked on heroin because of a Rush concert Not because There were drugs there but because the band was so bad I stuck Toilet paper in his ears though My bad dad I was like fucking

You told me that he's going to be Marlee Matlin I shoved paper in his ears so he couldn't hear the full effect Did you really? You didn't have to stick used paper in his ear That was kind of gross Did he enjoy himself? Like I said he fell asleep and then woke back up for Working Man at the end, which is one of his favorite songs.

Really? Yeah. But he must have been disappointed. And Roshan, you as a father. I told him, I'm like, you should save the tickets. Your first concert ever. It's exciting. He goes, no, I'm good.

He didn't care. I love this kid. I don't need it. He goes, I'm I'm good. He didn't care. I love this kid. I don't need it. He goes, I'm not even sure I wanted to go to that concert. Kid's probably pulling his prick to Taylor Swift albums. Oh, wait a minute.

He's seven. What am I saying? He doesn't like Taylor Swift. His sister does. I do. I have all her work. I like her early stuff when she was 11.

I got nothing else, Joe. You? That's good. It's an hour and 20 minutes. What are we doing here? We're going forever. I'm late to pick up my kids. It's fine.

My wife is doing Zumba right now. She's at Zumba? She's at Zumba. What a great woman. Joe's wife's beautiful, by the way. Not only a doctor, but like... I guess she would say she's out of shape for herself. She wants to do a half marathon now and try to get back.

She is that new woman that I got a career. I'm a doctor. I run marathons. No, she hasn't worked out. When we were dating, she used to work out a lot. Let me put her on a program. I do Sean T. 30-Minute Insanity.

You got to stay focused. You got to stay in it. You got to bend over. You got to fletch your ass cheeks. You got to go to a bathhouse and get your asshole licked 30 minutes a day. And you won't believe the changes. That's weird. That doesn't sound anything like your real voice.

I know. Is this a gay black guy? Yeah, you've seen him on TV millions of times. I haven't. I have a low IQ. I bust his chops. I've never seen a guy in better shape. Like I said, he's got the lunker past him.

He's a blue whale. See, my mother-in-law and my wife, I think, would agree. She finds it a turn off when a guy's in amazing shape. She goes, that means he cares too much about the way he looks. I don't like him. Your wife? My wife and her mom have that attitude. Like, because I was talking about.

Well, that's funny, because I've never seen you out of shape. That's funny for her to say. I'm lucky my dad's skinny but joe joe's like one of these naturally ripped guys i'm not ripped though like i don't have abs at all i've never had him in my whole life i'm i can't but uh just go to white castle be shredded but what the hell was i just oh yeah what's that thing they call it a dad body it's It's like popular now. And like Leonardo DiCaprio, like let himself get a gut. A little gut, yeah. I love how they point it out in Leonardo DiCaprio. You think it's the fact that even with the gut,

he's got the $100 trillion in the bank and the private jet, and he's eating supermodel pussy every Wednesday? You think that might? Exactly. Who gives a fuck? I'm getting the best ass on the planet. But he's still a handsome guy, even fucking with a little bit of a fuck Yeah I'm getting the best ass On the planet But he's still a handsome guy Even fucking

With a little bit of a Pelvi I know He's gonna knock that off For his next I'm ready to juice I'm 53 I'm ready to do a round of

Whatever they're doing Why don't we just Let ourselves go Nobody cares Nah I wanna get ripped I'm gonna start hanging out In the bars again I wanna be that guy

At the corner of the bar Oldest girl is 21 in there Sitting there in a raincoat I look like frank gorshin or arm wrestling people drinking a harvey wall banger by myself as rain drips off my totes hat onto my fucking hamburger who's that fucking guy at the end of the book that's one of the did you ever see the movie Hall Pass? The Nick DiPaolo story? The Hall Pass? No. No?

No. It's actually... Did you sneak out to see that during the day? No. There's one character in it that's funny, and he's a guy that's old that can still pick up girls, and that's like his character. I gotta see that. Did I learn anything from it? It's hilarious, because he's like, dude, you're not seeing that right. See what you're looking at?

And he puts his hands up. Yeah. You're looking through the wrong. Look, she's not good looking. And then like the picture. That sounds familiar. What's his name? Owen Wilson's in it.

Paul Pass. What isn't he in? And Sudeikis, whatever that guy's name is. Jason? Yeah. The movie's stupid, but it has about five out loud fucking funny ass scenes it's like uh what was the other one with vince vaughn where they uh and owen wilson where they sneak into weddings uh wedding crash like that has a few scenes that are i want to do a

sequel to that and when i say this somebody's gonna pick up on it and do it i want to do funeral crashers where you try to like fuck, fuck the widow. That's funnier. It'd be great, wouldn't it? And I just said that, so we have it recorded, okay? And we have the date down. Do it as a sketch for the, what's her name's show? Schumer. Amy Schumer's show?

Yeah. You going to watch that when you get home? Yeah, that's 12 Angry Men. I'm going to look that up. Yeah. Yeah, tell them to look. And look up my web series, Fixing Joe. Proud of that shit.

13 episodes. Fix. JoeMatterEast.com has all 13. There you go. And listen to my podcast, Fixing Joe, that Nick was just on last week. Which is great. We're doing good numbers. Yes.

We are. Between the two of us, we had 11 downloads. You know what's funny? Guess who retweeted it? Obama or Marin. Sebastian Maniscalco retweeted it? Obama or Marin. Sebastian Maniscalco retweeted it. Did he really? Yeah.

Tell him hello. I never met the kid. Yeah, we were talking. Heard him on the radio. We were talking about him on the podcast. I know. And I heard him on the radio going home from your house. How odd is that?

Really? Yeah. Like on Sirius? Oh, like just doing stand-up? Yeah. No, he's bowling for dollars. Yeah. What else would he be doing?

He's not a Muppet guy, is he? What are you talking about? I don't want to go home. Let's just keep talking for seven hours. Joe doesn't want to go home. I don't want to go home. He gets a super wipe at home. I got to dress my kids and get them in bed and have them stare at me.

I knew because I text Joe probably about five o'clock today or four o'clock and said, you want to do my podcast tonight? And he got right back to me. And literally, in my head, I said, this is a married guy. He's going to get the fuck out of the house. I was doing the edit when you asked me. Well, I knew I could go. I can always go at night.

Those are easier. It's during the days where I got to be home at 4 o'clock. All right. We'll do this whenever you want. Yeah. We're like neighbors. Anyways, that's about it. There were big political stories, but me and Joe don't get into that.

Yeah. You know, but anyways. Next week. Next week, we'll touch on, we'll touch on gay marriage and Obamacare and John Roberts getting, getting it wrong again. And that's about it. I can't think of anything else. July 18th, like I said, come see me at the Ridgefield Playhouse.

Ridgefield, Connecticut. Beautiful venue. I'm actually doing something. In July, I'm going out to L.A. And I'm going to do Billy Burr's podcast. And hopefully, Marin's and Greg Fitzsimmons and Joe Rogan's. I'm doing that like in the week of the 19th. I think I'm going out there and while I'm out there,

I'm going to actually do a night at the Ventura Harbor comedy club in Ventura, California, Ventura, California. I've done that. I should say Ventura. 15 years ago. Did you? Yeah, it's a fun place. I know.

I went online and I went, I went, this looks like a fun little shit hole. Is it called toppers? No, it's called Ventura. Like 15 years ago. Did you? Yeah, it's a fun place. I know. I went online and I went, this looks like a fun little shit hole. Is it called Toppers? No, it's called Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Okay, yeah. Ventura, California. It's the same spot. It's the same joint. It's a nice place.

Yeah. Everything in North Carolina. I'm going to do that like on the night of the 22nd in July. For you guys who complain I never go to the West Coast. That'll defray the cost of the hotel room and the rent the car, hopefully. So, anyways. So, anyways. Can I plug one date? Yeah, go ahead.

July 31st and August 1st. I'm at Joker's Wild in New Haven, Connecticut. I think it's just one show each night. 31st and August 1st. New Haven, Connecticut. JoeMatterese.com. And he's very funny. Go see him. Thanks, Joey. Thank you for having me. I'll play this. This goes And he's very funny. Go see him. Thanks, Joey. Thank you for having me.

I'll play this. This goes out to the gay folks who can get married and very happy about it. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all... Earl all i'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face and that is why i love you good day everybody guitar solo guitar solo Bye.