The Nick DiPaolo Show - 088 - Another Cup of Joe

Episode Date: July 7, 2015

Another Cup of Joe   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. Oh, Jesus. That can only mean one thing. See the Joe list of Joe Mattarese. People taking bets at home. And I remind you people again. On Twitter, you're like, have some more guests on.

Again, I live a mile from the prison where the fucking guys broke up in upstate New York. So it's not real easy to get to my house unless you want to climb through a two-foot sewer pipe. And have you made your wager? That's right, it's Matt Arese. Again, he lives with Insta. What up, Joe? I'm the only comic that doesn't have to pay tolls to get to your house. Or take a train or something like that.

Exactly. People have to do connecting flights to get here from Brooklyn and Queens. And the amount of love we get on Twitter. Well, if you want to call eight people loving what we do, I do. I call eight people a lot. That's 60% of Joe's followers on,

uh, Twitter. But yeah, I think I listened to it. I actually listened to us just to see it's a good mix of a high, strong Guinea. And you were kind of a laid-back guy who's obviously on oxycontin and some stuff like that and your wife drugged you up because you said you have add

and well my brother-in-law uh at the cookout i had at my house saturday oh how'd that go uh it went well i heard gregor gal did the cleanup oh my brother-in-law said you know i gotta say i've been i listened to two of you in depalo in a row and he goes you're great you're good he goes because you guys are all you notice how i went from great to good right in the sentence no he said great he said that what you just said a second ago which is where we're alike but opposite at the same time. Yes. Yes.

Both lifestyle-wise. Well, you get kids. But you're laid back. I think I'm a medicated slight version of you. Well, yeah. You said you take medication because you had anger issues. I just ignored the fucking medication. If I took the medication, I wouldn't have an act.

I know. I used to tell people the line that you said to me which made me laugh where you said i had to go off the meds because hecklers were winning that's right it's a funny one joe's joe's leaving rascals and he dumped his xanax out the window because some hecklers did him in i've had that a couple times right i can't come up with something mean in the moment it just doesn't go there anymore it's very it's always the tip of my tongue that's the problem with my career yeah and my marriage and my family stuff and my uh we should exchange cookouts because i'm sure you had a family cookout too right i did my sister had a uh fourth of july cookout up in andover massachusetts

she's got an awesome house it was built in 17 something the underground railroad when i actually went through her house wow and i'm like uh you know of course i'm making all those racial cracks and then i'm not sitting here harriet tubman had hot dogs at this off you know my family's going oh what are you an asshole and i go relax it's just jokes my son did a report on harriet tubman last year there you go see the and i don't even know who it was i didn't know you didn't no i'm an idiot oh come on joe she was a dancer in the 40s big tits no so your kids how old seven and a half yeah seven going into third grade and when did he do that report second grade second grade see liberal indoctrination second grade he's like six seven years old they already get him already laying the slavery guilt trip on the little white kid seriously you think

i'm kidding i found books my nieces i was in my nieces you know i went upstairs to go to the bathroom my sister's house and there's a bookshelf outside in the hallway, and it had my niece's shoes in, like, probably sixth grade at the time. And, like, three of the books were about slavery and shit. You know, like, I hid them. I put them in my sister's shoe closet. It is weird, Reed. I had to read some of that stuff to my son. It's very deliberate.

But reading it to your son is just weird. Yes. So, little, which is Luke. So Luke, get ready to catch a bunch of crap, even though you had nothing to do with any of this. Remember, now you're a bad guy. That's what your teachers are teaching you. Fucking liberal New York.

Yeah. I'll buy a dodgeball tournament. Well, they don't even play that anymore, right? Of course not. You can't play play dodgeball somebody might get hit in the face and learn something about life no instead they're playing soccer now i guess i'm supposed to congratulate the chicks for winning the world cup but i was pulling for japan with all my heart were you really i absolutely here's my philosophy on that the more popular popular, soccer is the enemy of football. People like you and your wife

are going to have your kids playing soccer. I agree with you. And instead of football, because again, they might get knocked on their ass and have to get up and learn something about life. Let's take the easy route.

And I'm, you know, I'm half kidding. Congratulations to the chicks that won. But that's how it should be. It should be the women that are the best in the world in soccer because it's, let's be honest, it's a woman's game. It's fun to play as a guy and stuff. But as far as, and I've had this discussion,

I'm not going to go into it any further. As far as a spectator sport, if you think, if you can be amused by watching soccer, you're just susceptible to marketing and you can be talked into anything. It's the worst fucking spectator sport going. Did you watch the whole game? I didn't watch any of it.

Neither did I. I skipped it. Why would you? I missed it. When you know a Division III boys team could beat those chicks. Did you see the one shot where she half court and she made it? Did you see it? I haven't seen even the highlights.

That's how much it repulses me. I saw it on ESPN this morning. I'm happy for the girl. It's pathetic. The girl shoots one from half court. It's probably not even called half court in soccer. It's probably called, it's not court. It's not a court, Joe.

Half, what do you call it? Field. Field? Yeah. She's at the through half line. Half, what do you call it? Field. Yeah. She's at the through half line. And she popped it over the goalie's head. Yeah, she saw that the goalie was being an idiot and tried to come way up. Well, it's a Japanese girl.

She's probably, you know, a depth impaired. I know. That's a bad eye joke for you. Yeah, that was kind of racist. But I heard that. She blooped it over the one? Yeah, she saw her trying to come up too far, and she just launched one. Over her head.

It took a bounce high, went over. I might be wrong. It might have went in the air over her head, but I think it bounced then over her head, and she tried to. Oh, no kidding. She missed it right in the corner. Flop shot. Nice.

It was amazing. The girls from New Jersey had a hat trick in the first 16 minutes of the game. Yeah. The girl Carly something. I might even made a note of it. That makes you shut off a soccer match. It's three nothing that fast. I know.

I know. It's not like football. They're going to score three more times. Shut it off. Was your wife watching it? I bet she was. No, we all skipped. We got invited to a second cookout on the Sunday.

And we had so much beer left over from our cookout that we were like, yeah, let's go get rid of some of this. I'm never going to be able to drink all the beer. You're my kid. I'll drink all the beer. I know, Joe. You can put it away. I didn't go nuts. I either make a choice.

I either drink or eat. Because when you do both, you just cancel them out. Right. The food cancels. It sucks up all the alcohol. Now you're do both, you just cancel them out. Right. The food cancels. It sucks up all the alcohol. Now you're just bloated. You're not drunk. And I did the classic.

I drank, you know, three beers in the first 20 minutes I was there. Right. And then, you know, had like four sausages, two hot dogs, a cheeseburger. And somebody brought this thing of chicken tenders out. Must have had, I'm not kidding, like 70. It was like, you know, it was a platter for like eight people. Right. I ate about half of it myself.

Chicken tenders? Chicken tenders. Did they make them on the grill? They made them, I'm not talking like out of a box at Mickey D's. Not McNuggets, like the long ones. No, no, tenders. These are like made out of breast meat. Yeah.

You know, and they had, one of them was kind of spicy. One was just plain. Dude, I could have frigging. That's not bad for you. What are you, shitting me? Were they breaded? Of course. Fucking each one had at least a loaf of bread on it.

I get the fucking, I get the arteries of Dick Cheney right now. If you think eating that is bad for you to cook, to me, that's like making the healthy choice. Well, I did too. I thought so too. But too but no no then the cheeseburgers came out then next oh that was the that came out first in the order the platter came out for nobody was even around it and this is how selfish i am everybody's like in the corner talking somebody puts a doll like on my table and walks away i'm like they look over the whole party looks over i'm sitting at the table with the thing in front of me like it's mine i get barbecue sauce my eyebrows and my fucking hair okay like a two-year-old kid and then yeah i had i had a couple hot dogs and like two or three sausages and now

i'm half drunk and just bloated doesn't it go by quick the day when you're a kid it lasts all day when you're an adult yes and like well you you you threw the party so it didn't go by quick well yeah no I was about to say total opposite for me because I threw the party and then when you have kids you got to go see the fireworks at night and well that's if you're a good dad my father used to just uh he'd just you know light his farts in the hallway and go now go to bed. I'm actually thinking that this might be the last time I ever go to fireworks. I think I'm done. I fucking hate it.

I don't enjoy the experience. It's like going to a parade. It's the same thing. Yeah, and who knows? ISIS might show up, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Then you get real fireworks.

That's what I always think. What a great time to just blow us up when we're blowing shit up. Well, that's what i always think what a great time to just blow us up when we're blowing well that's what they were thinking too yeah but how about my my hometown didn't do them this year because of security reasons and because what i said to my mother yeah this is a really pussy town this has really turned into a puss town because of the marathon incident or yeah well no because because ISIS was threatening to do shit. But they were threatening that all over the country. No, I know. Yeah.

And my little pussy hometown back down. Plus security. They would have hired. They had to. Of course, these are the excuses. They would have paid cops overtime and blah, blah, blah. So it wasn't worth the whatever. The terrorists won.

You big girls. You big. so what? Your kid loses a fucking hand watching fireworks. I mean, Jason Pierre Paul almost lost a hand fucking lighting him up. Guy for the Giants, you hear about that? No, I didn't hear about that. I probably said his name wrong. I'm not a big Giants fan.

Where's that article? Oh, for Christ's sake. I have such bad ADD, I'm afraid for you to veer out of fireworks because I won't know how to get... I got so much more on fireworks. Jason Pierre Paul. What happened to him? He lit off a bunch... He almost blew his hand off, apparently, for the Giants.

With what? With, uh... You know. One of those M160s? Yeah, it's probably somebody shipped stuff from his homeland of Haiti. No, I don't know. It shows a picture. Doing fireworks. Let me see the picture. It shows... I don't have the picture, but there was a picture of the paper of oh here it is he he has like a look like a u-haul filled with fireworks and he was bragging about you know he got these for his kids that's weren't we just talking about this on your last podcast about these that i was

gonna be one of these guys that goes to connecticut where you can buy the legal fireworks and just throw them in your do them in your backyard? Yeah. Instead of taking them to the stupid crowded area? Yeah. And now this guy blows his hand off. He didn't blow it off. It's all over the news. That's the first thing everybody assumes.

It's so typical sensationalism. Then you read it and, oh, he barely burned, but it's not career threatening. What are you fucking telling me about it for? Yeah. He's not even a receiver for Christ's sake sake He's got a bruise under a fingernail He does Oh I gotta see this Oh it's a burn it's not a blow up

It's like a burn Jesus Joe what am I fucking I don't know I'm not Quincy I'm an Eagles fan So any giant that gets down I'm happy That's right There's a friend of ours on the New York Post today Did you see it?

Holy shit Jim Florent what is that? We'll get that in a few minutes What a hot girl That's his wife Who just divorced because she was banging some guy at the gym Yeah I knew that Why'd it make the paper because he has a good publicist And mentioned he was on Louis and shit But why did that make the paper? Why did it make the paper? Because he has a good publicist. It mentioned he was on

Louis and shit. But the divorce is in the paper? No, it's in the paper because he hired a private eye to follow her. Oh, how he nailed her. Yeah, and it was a cop that was banging his wife, so he wrote. It was a cop? Yes, he's been

writing letters to the police station in that town saying this guy should be fired. He made like a public stink about it. Good for him. And was a con. Yes, he's been writing letters to the police station in that town saying this guy should be fired. He made like a public stink about it. Good for him. And he gets ink. Wow, this girl's going to go down. Apparently she goes down a lot. I gotta let that sound. She was here. She was at a cookout a couple years

ago. I met her. Piece of ass. Yeah, she was hot. Very hot. Look at Jimmy in that. That's not a good picture of Jimmy. years ago yeah i met her piece of ass yeah she was hot very hot yeah you can't look at jimmy that's not a good picture jimmy florentine's a good looking guy this was in his about 25 pounds ago he uh it says uh you're skipping all over you couldn't find the picture what picture the the giant i thought you wanted to talk about his hand getting burned. You don't care? I gotta teach you about radio, man. Segways of a kid. We jump around here.

You're the one with ADD. Alright. I'm just gonna... Go ahead. Back to the fireworks. You're right. I'm all over the place. I had like three cups of coffee. Oh, you did? It's like the one blow for me. I'm tired today. I wanted to sleep in. Two cookouts in a row. Get rid of the kids.

Anyways, he fucking burned his hand real bad. I was hoping it was like, you know who? Who's the hot receiver they got last year? Beckham. I was hoping he blew a few fingers off. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Now that could get an Eagles fan excited.

Blow a finger off. Eagles lucky guy would still be great. You know, he'd be, what was that? Yeah, he'd have a stump. Remember that kicker with the stump foot? Yeah, Tom Dempsey. Tom Dempsey. New Orleans Saints.

He had the record for years. It's broken, since been broken, but a 63-yard field goal against the Detroit Lions. He had a club foot. Yeah, I remember. And he had a hand like a lobster claw. Yeah. Yeah. You know what he is? He became a gourmet chef. I saw a club foot. Yeah, I remember. And he had a hand like a lobster claw. Yeah. Yeah. You know what he is?

He became a gourmet chef. I saw a picture of him 10 years ago. He was like 300. He's like 5'10", 350 pounds. He was fatter than Paul Perdomo. Really? Yeah. Just a big fucking house.

That guy could kick with that stump foot. Well, you could kick too if you had a sledgehammer for a right foot. That guy had no toes. That's cheating. I toes. That's cheating. That's cheating. What a kick that was to beat the Lions. I don't know why. This just made me think about it.

Did you ever play a game called a racer tag when you were in grammar school? No, I was heterosexual as a little boy. In class, the teacher in our school played something called a racer tag, and you'd have to balance an eraser on your head and run around in the school. What was your teacher, a male model? But I remember this. He made you balance an eraser on your head? Yeah, I remember this girl had a really flat head, and you couldn't get it off.

I still remember it. I don't know why. It just makes me. Why do I think? Really? Yeah. Diane Frankenstein. She had a flat head? Why? get it off i still remember it i don't know why that just makes me why do i really yeah diane frankenstein she had a flat head why'd she fall out of the crib or some shit i don't know she just had like this flat fucking oh the poor thing you say frankenstein yeah yeah like yeah i'm thinking diane frankenstein what's his name i i get pushed off when i was a kid i was at my buddy frankie consoli's house and i'm on his you know, you go up the steps to his house.

It's a wooden, you know, little, I don't know what you call it, landing area. I'm laying my stomach looking over the edge. It was like a four or five-foot drop. He pushes me off from behind. I land on my head. Right here, the right side, right over my right eye was flat. There was a dent. My mother went cray, dented my head.

My mother went cray, and Mrs. Consulting was all freaking out. I had a dent. Luckily, it came out. Popped out. Yeah, like a Coke can. What the? Fucking fat bastard pushed me right over the balcony. He's a little nuts a poor guy.

He went cocoa. My mom had a classic line my mom and dad came up for the barbecue lucky you stayed over they stayed over stayed overnight isn't that nice and then they went to the fireworks with us right yeah but marinic is where we went to see them in this harbor and you know have you ever seen the types that go see fireworks? It's the same that go see, what am I trying to, just a parade. It's just losers. It's just losers. Losers go to see fireworks?

Well, this is what I always say about Westchester. It's people like you with their kids. Are they losers? You're five minutes from thechester. It's people like you with their kids. Are they losers? You're five minutes from the Bronx. The Bronx people aren't going to Manhattan. So what are you trying to say? There's a lot of Spanish being spoken. My mom makes a comment.

At least she's old enough now. She just whispers her racism in my ear. As opposed to like Trump. She doesn't say it out loud in front of my wife. Your mother doesn't go. She gets to the fireworks. Look at all the rapists here and all the criminals i'm sure there's a few good people here she can't not but she can't she knows that she shouldn't say

it but she can't not so she just whispers it now to me what did she whisper she goes uh i didn't know you lived in puerto rico that's her she same thing when she went to my son's soccer game yeah i didn't know you lived in Puerto Rico. And I go, mom, good thing. She wanted to go to the other fireworks, which is in downtown New Rochelle. I don't want to say what country we would have said if we were at that one. Is that Ray Rice's wife with a black eye over there? Wow.

They all have black eyes. Don't fire off any angry emails to the show because you can't. You can't. There's no address, so take it in the face, you fucking whining maggots. I was going to say, where would you rather be? Downtown New Rochelle, where it's about 90% African-Americans? I don't mind. Or would you rather have the Latinos?

I like them both. I'm a big fan of both. They're doing a hell of a job in the Bronx. The kids' grades, they're reading at a third grade level when they're 41. And that's everybody in New York. I don't care. I, you know, I'm a big, you know, it's funny, the Trump, the whole thing. I'm a big fan of like Latino.

I always say this. They remind me of the the italians at the last turn of the century hard working i mean most of them of course there's gonna be some bad i'm not trying to be a liberal i lived in port chesire new york which was a very south american and it was just work they were working like they made me feel lazy no i know i suck of course and that's how italians were and if you if you watch uh every time you watch the news and there's one of our soldiers dying in Iraq, they put up a bunch of names, a lot of them Latinos. Yeah.

You know? So this, again, but there's a lot of shit coming over the border too. You know what I mean? Yeah. A lot of shit. Oh, yeah. The average, they say 60%. 60% of the people sneak in and have less than an eighth grade education.

Education. So they're in a situation. What the fuck? What the fuck? I went to the fireworks in New Rochelle. It was like little Puerto Rico over there. I told my fucking wife I wanted to fucking watch him near the fucking water. I said, let's get his fucking close to the water folks it takes us over to the fucking not even near a fucking water fucking

puerto rican flags fucking they're shooting their own fucking bottle rockets off before the fucking fireworks they bring their fucking own did you speak into that we have to come up with more impressions i know we got two we got. Doing the same two for 20 years. Become a huge radio hit. The Bob and Tom of Westchester. Did you hear about the kid in Maine that fucking shot some type of fireworks off his head? He put the launcher on his head and killed himself. What?

Yeah. Callous Maine. What did it light his head over? I don't know, Joe. Again, I didn't get the autopsy report yet. It's on the way. It killed himself? Yeah.

Imagine you're his friends and you're like, oh, no. It happens every know, Joe. Again, I didn't get the autopsy report yet. It's on the way. It killed him somehow? Yeah. Imagine you're his friends and you're like, oh, no. It happens every year, though. Remember a couple years ago, some guy... Oh, you can get the... I think I saw it on YouTube. Oh, this wasn't even a firework. You know, you shake up like a giant liter bottle. You put something in it.

No. You ever see that? And the bottle shoots up like 300 feet in the air. Kid was looking something in it. No. You ever see that? And the bottle shoots up like 300 feet in the air. Kid was looking down over it and thinks, shit, I'm gonna... Just from shaking up a soda?

No, no, no. You rig it. You do something to it. Again, if we had a call in line, it'd be about... It'd be 25, 12-year-olds calling us in right now going, no, that's not how you do it.

Yeah, but this kid in Calais, Maine, yeah, he killed himself accidentally. That's nice, huh? You know what's embarrassing about that? Then you get the family, and you've got to go to the funeral. And, you know, your friends of the family are showing up, you know, going, I mean, it's going to be a little embarrassing, you know? Yeah.

I remember there being a comic in the Boston area who was in a wheelchair, and he did something stupid to paralyze himself. I was like, that must be so – he had a drinking problem, too. Because you could just tell. I was like, to do it in a wheelchair and he did something stupid to paralyze himself i was like that must be so he had a drinking problem too because you could just tell i was like to do it in a dumb way yeah you gotta live with the rest of your life yeah i don't even want to say it on on the podcast because he knows he might what did he know he could listen and it might make him feel like shit he did something stupid like when he was like 12 or 13 he emptied out a um he had a fish tank and he instead of like he tried to dump the water ready i'm sorry he didn't even live on the set he wasn't even on the second floor he's on the first floor dumped the fish tank out the window to like

get rid of all the dirty water yeah and and fell with it. And fell. You're kidding. It wasn't even that high and landed on his side. How do I not know this guy? Maybe he doesn't do stand-up. I remember doing... It's obvious he doesn't do stand-up anymore. Oh, who said that?

Nick, for Christ's sake. Could you clean it up? I love how quick it is. How do I miss these? I'm in slow motion and you're rapid fire. That's what we're doing. Fuck you!

Fuck you! That's him yelling at doing. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's him yelling at us. I did that Worcester gig. There was a gig in Worcester, Massachusetts. The Aku Aku. Oh, yeah. Was that the Aku Aku? Yeah, Aku Aku.

I remember. I think I did it once. I did a poop, a poop. A poo, a poo? Yeah, I did a poo, a poo at Aku Aku. They had those Rangoons. I don't remember this kid, though. I don't remember this kid.

I forget his name. What are you talking about? This was... Crazy Legs Hirsch? You were already out of the Boston area. I used to do those Ron Savage gigs up in... Don't get distracted when I look down with some shit. Oh, I wasn't.

No, I would go up and do those Ron Savage gigs in the Boston... I don't even know who that is. Yeah. And did you say you're from Andover? No, my sister lives up and do those Ron Sava gigs in the Boston. I don't even know who that is. Yeah. And did you say you're from Andover? No, my sister lives in Andover now. Okay, because that's where one of his gigs was, the Grill 93. Grill 93. That's Dick Daugherty.

It's there now still? I don't know. That's Dick Daugherty started that. Oh, okay. They used to advertise on the highway on the lawn. Yes. It was grass coming down the hill. It was a good gig, though.

It used to pay me pretty damn good. But what are you saying? The guy in the wheelchair, that was his gig? No, I'm saying that I worked for, Ron Sava booked all those gigs up in that area and one of them was the

Aku Aku in Worcester and that's where I met this comic who was in his wheelchair. I remember him. And he told you that? Just the, it's not, if it's not bad enough to get

out of your car and you have full use of your limbs and you're working in a chinese restaurant right i know this guy's pulling his fucking wheelchair like he could drive i remember he had the remote control it still amazes me that you can drive without the use of your legs i got a cousin yeah and uh he's just he was just a miserable bastard and a classic. That's the beauty of Boston. Most people you meet all over the country, like somebody in a wheelchair, disabled, they always have an upbeat, positive attitude towards life. Not in Boston.

I'm in this fucking chair. Fucking fish tank fell out the fucking window and broke my skull. Cock sucker. It's a fall not that high. It was like a five-foot drop. He just fell wrong. He landed funny. Slanted funny.

That's a good way of putting it for a comic. Jesus. The poor... I don't even know this kid. I wish I knew his name because he was funny and he was a good guy, but bitter as shit. Bitter as shit. So negative. That's funny.

That's what's... I probably do know him. I got to mull this over later is it humid man i get sweats on joe's in short joe's always in short it's hot outside i know i'm in sweats right now i thought i was gonna work out i drank my three cups of coffee sat down started reading the paper and i go i'm not doing this show myself because it's just all heavy news it's all fucking some girl in san francisco gets killed by an illegal who has been deported five times guy in the middle of the day like down by the embarcadero in san francisco down by the water like at noontime she's walking with her her dad and

someone else and some fucking illegal shoots her from a distance and just kills her from a distance yeah just picks her off it's not bad enough we have to worry about isis this guy's fucking sniper style and yeah but the point is he should have been thrown out of the country years ago five times san francisco is what they call a sanctuary city they actually let illegals stay there so you reap what you sow i mean i you know all due respect i mean but poor poor beautiful girl probably look like uh puerto rico there no look like norachel no this guy happened to be mexican by the way so you know trump's uh tweeting out that was right no but you know so there is some truth but just but but it's our government the fact that there's

something called the sanctuary city that this there's cities that actually let illegal, even if they get busted for crimes, they let them stay there. So, again, we're rotting from the inside out, Joe. Don't let anybody, I know you don't follow politics, but I'm just saying, if you weren't here, I would have been railing on that for an hour. Well, who knows? If I get on the, if they give me the,

I find out this Friday if I can get on these ADD meds, maybe I'll be able to follow the news and I'll be able to hang with you. That'd be hilarious if all of a sudden I know a lot. Wait a minute, aren't you already on meds? Not on ADD ones, no. They won't give them to you. You got to get this full test that I told you I took that took five hours. I don't get the impression you have ADD.

That's because you're on something, you said, right? Not on anything for focusing and comprehending. Well, you seem focused. Thank you. Calling Quinn, who's doing, you know. Quinn, talk about ADD. I'll be on the phone with him. Uh-huh.

You know, four minutes in, all of a sudden I can hear him getting impatient. Mm-hmm. All of a sudden, because I got to go. I go, what did you see, a ball of yarn rolling in your kitchen? He just, right in the middle of it. He is a single guy, though, right? I'm just, right in the middle of it. He is a single guy though, right? I'm just saying,

his mind, you know how Quinn is. If it wasn't, he won't even finish a sentence when he's doing a bit. Oh yeah, he trails if he feels like he's losing them

a little bit, he starts to trail. No, he just, he just, the next thought pushes the next one out. He,

you know, talk. Well, let's face it, I mean, if my wife wasn't a psychologist, I probably wouldn't be treating any of this shit

I'd be just stumbling around my apartment Yelling at walls You'd probably be shooting heroin and having a good time I got two kids, I got a wife If she's yelling at me That's enough if anybody get on pills Yeah I don't feel like She can't stand the focus

She'd like to have an intelligent conversation Here and there Can you film one of those? Is she in Fixin' Joe? Someone played her the focus. She'd like to have an intelligent conversation here and there. Oh, I would love to. Can you film one of those? Is she in Fixin' Joe? Someone played her. You know who played her by the way?

Doris Roberts from Everybody Loves Raymond and the Mother. Joe's wife was very pissed off. Joe's wife is like good looking in her 30s and she goes, you get this fucking broad

in her late 70s with the calves like canned hams. I had a pretty hot girl this girl, this girl. Rebecca Cush played my wife. Rebecca Cush. That just sounds hot.

Cush. It's just hot. Yes. You showed me that. I showed you her. Yeah, I spanked it to that as soon as you left the house. It's like an explosion at a Baskin Robbins. How could you jerk off to a web series?

You had a hot wife in a web series. You got a good imagination. If the porn's right there and you go for the clothes shit. You're jerking off to a web series you had a hot wife in a web series you got a good imagination if the porn's right there and you go for the clothes shit jerking off to a web series that's like still pulling out the uh victoria's secret catalog and still being able to jerk off oh i do that i jerk off to the bra ads and the sears and roebuck catalog i remember having a sears and roebuck catalog they exist you did of course you did we all got off to the bra. What did you call it? The what?

The broad? The bra. The bra. The bra. The bra ads. They have a bra ads in the Sears. Remember? The ladies in it? Yeah, those big white missiles. They call them bras. They look like catches. You know what the catchers wear in baseball? The chest protector?

You're trying to... I remember when I was a kid, the big thing was there was a Sears catalog, some underwear model, a guy. Apparently his dick was shown or something. I remember my sisters all joking about it with their friends. It was like on page 108. You could see his dick through the underwear? Something. I got to ask my sister about it.

That was like the talk of the town. My sister's friends and even my mother's friends were giggling about something. I never found out what it was. I didn't know my, I didn't know all the girls in my family were cock hungry. Sears. Sears. Sears and Roebuck. Who's buying clothes at Sears?

Huh? They had some nice slacks. I was over there the other day. No, I get some nice pleated. Huh? They had some nice slacks. I was over there the other day. No, I get some nice pleated. I get some nice pleated, high-waisted, stain-proof slacks.

The kind you can drop a pizza on and it just slides off and there's no fucking grease. Slacks. Just the word slacks makes me laugh. Pleated. That's a good question. Who buys their clothes at Sears? If you're out there, call in. Yes, call in.

I'll do the fake call. Hi, Jim on line two. Go ahead. You're on with Joe Metta Reese. Hey, Jim. What do you got? I bought some beautiful slacks at Sears for Father's Day. I don't know why I'm making fun of them.

They're light blue, and they came with a white belt. They were beautiful. Those old man sneakers. Yeah, those. Those nurses shoes. Yeah, those. Those nurse's shoes. Nurse's shoes. Oh, shit. God, it's hot in here.

That's not bad. It's fucking getting a little muggy for my taste. So I did the whole deck myself for the barbecue. What do you mean? I was very impressed. I stained my whole deck. Did you do shit on it? Three cups of coffee.

Can't stop. That was pretty funny. Did you shit on it? What's your other one about? Messy. Remember the messy jersey yeah i told you my i told my i told my son that joke he left i don't even remember i said we when we were in israel we bought my son a messenger messy jersey and you go what did he do drop a meatball on it

meatball what did you say i didn't say come on job you're gonna quote my jokes i don't know you're the one who brought it up like messy like, I know, but that was very unfunny what you just said. What are you trying to do to me what they did to you on America's Got Talent? You didn't bring a lawsuit. Did you let them know you were pissed? I went on Jim and Opie. Oh, okay. So you got the word out.

Opie and Jim Norton. Opie and Jim Norton. Opie and Jim Norton. I'm going on it Thursday. They wouldn't have me back on that show. I don't know why. That rolling guy. They said you. I thought it went well.

No, but your breath. Somebody said your breath is horrible. You had that morning breath. I'm doing it Thursday, actually. Did you do the Kumia podcast yet? I've done it like four times. But last week when I was on your show, you said you were going to do it. I did. Yeah. Yeah. I hear they have like four times But weren't Last week when I was on your show You said you were going to do it I did

Yeah Yeah I hear they have like people over there for it What do you mean? Like watching it Like there's like Well there's a few people hanging around Is that what it is?

That like assist with the show Yeah there was Well maybe on other days He has a little audience But he didn't have an audience But there's enough guys People working there That guy Big A

Or whatever his name is And Keith the Cop And yeah these people that are tweeting about you and i on the podcast here yeah keep saying you got to get on kumi's network and then they start asking about keep the cop i don't know who that is because i don't have he's been he's been like anthony's producer for years been with him okay so um yes when i was over there they had a porn girl over there and um she was dressed like a mermaid she was doing some like one woman show in brooklyn she was from san francisco and she had like a ukulele and she was laying by the pool when she sang some song about being a mermaid and then she took all her clothes off naked and yeah wow

yeah jumped into the pool that doesn't happen here at the Nick. Where it up till you leave, I'll take my clothes off. I'll take my clothes off on a nice hot muggy day like this, and I'll lay on that leather couch and let my sweaty balls. Oh, no, I'm sitting on it. And you're sitting on it right now. But it's not good to sweat. So I did the whole deck myself, and then I had like 40 people show up.

What do you mean you did it? You waterproofed it? No, I re-stained it. You re-stained it? I sanded the whole, sanded it all. Now, why'd you do that? Power washed it, sanded it. Why?

Because it was all peeling and coming up looking like shit. Why? Was there paint on it before? Did you ever see solid stain on a deck? Yeah. It looks like paint. It doesn't peel? It looks like paint.

It peels. Oh, it does? After about a year or two. What are you guys playing, street hockey on it or something? No. It looks like paint. It doesn't peel. It looks like paint. It peels. Oh, it does? After about a year or two. What are you guys playing, street hockey on or something? No. Was your wife proud of you? I don't think she gave... My wife's one of these people that's like, she goes, it looks fine.

I don't really give a shit. If you want to go do it, go do it. Oh, that's a good wife to have right there. See, my wife would be stained in the deck or so. I would love that, to have a wife that... I did all that shit. I asked her to help me with it. She goes, I'll take the kids away for a couple days and that'll help

That but you wouldn't you rather have that no Pull disc in my back when I'm done My knees look at this. I got a scab there. I'm crawling. It's brutal I don't know what I was thinking thinking that'd be easy. No, that's scabby knee. Let's be honest That was pretty that's how you got on the OP show. That was your audition. So my dad, of course, I call him a backseat griller.

Oh no, he was watching you? He's over my head. I just took the apron off and I gave it to him. He's an old guinea. And then he's out loud bragging, this guy Mike, my friend Mike Bazile, who was one of my investors on the hour special I did. I invited him, and he brought high-end stuff, you know. He had, like, all these skewers that were, like, garliced up.

They were really good. And my dad is like, well, he's the top shell. Look at this. I'm surprised he didn't yell out the price. Because the prices were right on it. Because he had them all wrapped and he handed it to it. The guy brings food with the prices still on it? The prices were right.

What kind of horse shit is that? Low class motherfucker. Hey, look, I brought you $40 shish kebabs. I was impressed that no one brings shitty beer anymore. I was expecting. Well, you should came to my sister's house. What'd they bring? Fucking Bud Light.

That's what I was going to bring to the barbecue that I was going to go to. You know what, though? But when it's really cold, it doesn't matter. If it's ice cold, it doesn't matter. But Bud Light is probably the worst. I was going to say, what do you think is the best cheap beer? Cheap beer? Yeah.

Oh, Pabst Blue Ribbon. That's the best? i'll tell you why well it's nostalgia for me my grandfather i used to steal my cousin johnny he literally had me drunk when i was in like second grade my grandfather used to drink pbrs yeah we used to sneak go up to my grandmother's house go in his fridge but now you know all the cool like hipster kids that's what they drink pbr to be ironic i know yes which i like when hipster kids, that's what they drink. PBR, to be ironic, I know. And the tall cave, right? Which I like. When I do a creaking cave, they have PBRs there.

They sell them there? Yeah. I'll suck one of those down, I think of my grampy, and then I start crying. They're not bad. I like them. It's got a distinct taste. Shitty. Yeah.

Exactly. If you want to call it shitty, it's a thing. When I went to school up at Maine, I was in my fraternity. That was a thing. When you took turns who had to go get the beer if we weren't having kegs. Let's say just a Sunday afternoon when you're going to have like three or four cases between six guys.

You'd go, go whoever and who could come back with the shittiest beer. I used to come back with something called Iron City Light. Iron City Lights. I swear to God, I something called Iron City Light. Iron City Light. Never heard of it. I swear to God, I think it was,

I think I got a case for $3.50 or something. Again, this was in the 1800s. But it was the shittiest fucking, but you know, put it on ice. Put it on ice. Drink till you,

after you've had like four, it starts to taste the same. Absolutely. But I do like a good beer. I was impressed. No one brought shitty beer. Yingling was probably the shittiest beer. That's what my dad brought.

That's a good beer. And that's a good beer. I like Yingling. Yeah. Made by a couple of Asian girls tied to a loon in New Rochelle, Joe's basement. Of course, my kids were drawing on the perfectly stained deck with the fucking chalk. Did they really? Yeah.

What'd you do to them? No punishment? I'm waiting for you to tell me what I did with them. I don't know. You don't have the button. They drew on your deck? They drew all over, yeah. Your kids did?

My kids, all the kids that were there. Oh, all the kids. So you couldn't hit them. They're all going to have poison ivy in two days. Look at their payback. Oh, oh why are they in the field oh they were all back there just playing throwing footballs around i was you know i got a second this is gonna be boring i give myself credit yeah my son had one of those darts that you pump up and shoot in the air he hit it it got stuck in a tree really high everyone at the party was throwing this nerf

trying to knock it out yeah Yeah. And Joe unloads. Fucking unloaded bullseye. Did your old man give you credit for that? You fucking cheated. I have tendonitis now from one throw. Just threw the arm out. Pretended it didn't kill. Yeah, I got it.

You shouldn't be on fucking ADD medicine. You should be taking a leave, PM. I do. Take those every morning. What else is on the agenda? Oh, I don't know. The world's oldest person died. Is that my wife's grandma?

No. What am I saying? She's alive. She's 116. The reason I pull this up is because, you know what the key to her being that old is according to her she eats uh bacon and eggs every morning old black woman uh suzanna mushat jones probably doesn't eat anything else for the rest of the day yeah that's what i wanted to know too yeah what's lunch though lunch um she eats her own feces like a dog would. She shits open.

Imagine if that was the key. Imagine you're asking the oldest person, what's the key? I eat a pound of my own shit every day. I'm like, okay, I think I'd rather be dead at 72. But what's funny is she's 116. This old black woman, I think she's from Alabama. Her family, like literally, you know, she picked cotton when she was young. But they put a diagram.

Does she know Harriet Tubman? Yes, she did know Harriet Tubman, actually. She met in my sister's basement in 1796. She only went to the doctor's three times a year. The only medication. You're on medication, this 160-year-old woman. She's on, the only medication she takes is for high a year. The only medication... You're on medication this 160-year-old woman. She's on... The only medication she takes

is for high blood pressure. Which one? I've got to see if I've got to get on that same one. It doesn't say. I'm on one. Oh, no.

I'm on one for high cholesterol. This is what surprised me. She broke her leg a year ago skydiving. No, it was a motorcycle jump. I'm sorry. She's got a sign on a kitchen wall that says bacon makes everything better.

My dad was just telling me that. So does Carney Wilson have that same thing. I don't know where he heard about this. There's this new product out called Bacon Spread. Yeah. Have you heard about this? No. Tell me about it, Joe.

Well, it's like it comes in like a jam jar, but it's like all different flavors of bacons and you can just spread it on shit. And jam jar but it's like all different flavors of bacons and you can just spread it on shit and it's sounds that's gotta be great but i was imagining it sweet when he described it like there was a sweet because you ever had sweet mixed with bacon like well yeah salt and sweet is the best combination yeah this is a combination chocolate i've had these chocolate with bacon in them yeah there's this chocolate cupcake with bacon in it and it was unbelievable where'd you get that this comedian fan used to come to my gigs and he would his his wife had a had a bakery that they're not in business anymore and she died of uh arterial

sclerosis i'll do a shout out to him because he's a great fan this guy his name is john lampert not johnny lampert the comedian his name is john lampert yeah you probably met him because he comes to the kumia he goes to the kumia podcast a lot but he he used to bring me all these uh cupcakes and then he started even doing ads on my podcast and paying me money he was a good guy but bacon chocolate cupcakes i've never heard of such a thing bacon spread bacon spread is it synthetic or real bacon that they just ground up i don't know look it up it'd be dang it's like it's it's like 14 a jar it's very expensive bacon spread i know you can put bacon on anything. Are bacon bits real bacon? No. That's fake?

Yeah. Synthetic? Yeah. You know what bacon bits is made from? You know the shit they make AstroTurf out of? Old tires? That green and black stuff? It's the same shit.

I want to try to go on one of these gluten-free diets. Let me tell you something. Does that work? There's something to that, man. I can't uh every time i eat bread man it blocks me yeah it's terrible it's fucking brutal i think that's my gluten if there's an allergy to it and i don't want to get too graphic here but i stay away from that reason gluten i don't know how hard it would be to just go You hear these people doing it all the time They just go gluten free

Yeah but it's all It's fucking Come on You just drop the whole stomach Oh is that how that works? Please No? No for some people probably

If you eat a lot of it I bet if I did Because I don't I'm not fat My Uncle Bob You know Michael He's 85 years old right He looks like he's 60

He's got better skin than me And the face you'd think he was 58 I swear to, he's 85 years old, right? He looks like he's 60. He's got better skin than me. In the face, you'd think he was 58. I swear to God. He's 85. Used to be a hard drinker, you know? Really? Oh, yeah.

But he's so funny. He's so funny. But we start talking about that shit, you know? I go, nice cookout. I'm talking to my uncle about my prostate. I'm talking to my aunt about shingles. I go, he used to talk about the Red Sox. It's like a horrible medical clinic but my uncle bob yeah we're talking about all that shit he goes you know but there were he

goes you know you people don't realize there were people born like in you know uh 1786 that lived 90 years without men without fucking aspirin and shit you ever think of that there are there are some people that lived into you know not too many too many. Super rare. So what? But the point being is, I mean. Did you ever go to a. Did you ever go to a. A cemetery? A cemetery and start looking at the dates? Of course.

In Boston. Yeah. Everybody died at like 58. 58. They were lucky. In the 50s and 60s and the 70s even. What do you mean? 18?

No, 19. What are you. People died in the 50s and 1970s in like the 60s yeah what cemetery you're looking at both my historic cemeteries you just go to regular ones i'm talking when you're going to a regular one i start to look at this the lifespan yeah but you just said everyone you but you're in a cemetery with a bunch of dead people so the odds are you're gonna see you know yeah people think the odds are most of the people in a cemetery died young joe no i can tell you i can prove with a pen and a pencil and a piece of paper that the life expectancy in the 70s

you know was you know what in the 70s you think it was in the 70s late 60s no no you're right a lot of people drop dead of heart attacks 62 both my grandfathers oh that's because they you know a couple of wops no they weren't fat guys or anything no they weren't fat guys but they ate sausage like it was going out of probably how about that's what i'm saying but how about this black lady she was born in the 1800s she's 116 you're gonna tell me she's been eating healthy her whole life she's baking and eggs well my my wife's grandmother one died at 97 and the other one's 102 and still alive the 97 year old one had a snickers bar every day every day snickers bar before she went to bed that was her thing but i don't know what she ate before that steph's grandmom now that's funny who's 102 i'm sure she doesn't eat perfectly and she was never a skinny lady i just pictured your grandmother

you know getting all grouchy around three o'clock and like those commercials for snickers she turned into joe pesci and your mother's like hey ma when i have a snickers you can all fucking you know this commercial that fuck Fucking In all those commercials You That fuck You fucking nanny You fucking

You fucking Bellies hanging over your belt Speaking of old people Who died I'm not Who died Sure if you're familiar With

Burt's bees You know the stuff Lip balm Bees wax Yeah yeah yeah And I guarantee Your wife knows about it Yeah yeah

Right Burt Chavis That's his name he was uh dude you gotta there's a documentary it's called burt's buzz i mean my wife watched it like a year ago it's about the guy who founded burt's bees he was a like an old old i think an old jewish guy from like from new york city and um or he went to work he was a photographer for like the daily news whatever but then just packed up after like 20 something years or whatever he's a photographer and and went up to you know went up to like maine and ended up becoming like a beekeeper or whatever and that's how he picked a girl you gotta watch the documentary it's called bert's

buzz he's just look he's an old maine hick he's not originally from maine but it's where he ended up living right and he died he goes up there and uh his friend a friend of his gave him all this beekeeping equipment and shit right seriously as a gift his friend wanted to get out of it because he was in the business he was getting out of it so he gave it to him right and then he goes up to maine he's just sightseeing after a storm or whatever and he sees a fence post with a bunch of bees on it this is like a week after the guy gave him the shit and he put two and two together he's like it's god's telling me to do this whatever so he starts selling shit made of beeswax on the side of the road. And you know, made a little bit of money.

And then he picks up this woman hitchhiking. And they like ended up going out dating and stuff. And she was like a marketing genius. She turned it into like a multi-million dollar company. It's a documentary. You got to watch it, dude. It's fucking incredible. It's incredible.

What's the movie called? It's called Bert's Buzz. It's a documentary. And it's incredible. What's the movie called? It's called Bert's Buzz. It's a documentary. And it's amazing. He's like this guy. He lives in this little fucking house in Maine with a wood-burning stove, and he's a multi-zillionaire. That's what I told you.

It's all marketing, and you got mad at me. No, you're right. And then he goes over to the movie opens. He's over in, I don't know, Thailand or somewhere like that at a mall. He's like a superstar over there. Everybody over there in Thailand, I forget where it was. All these young girls at the mall trying to meet him and shit. This old guy

with a long beard. He's like a suit rock star over there. Anyways, he died this weekend. Bert Shavitz. He was 80 years old. Died up in Bangor. Can you buy this bee stuff here? Oh, Christ, yeah. It doesn't sound... It's an international product.

Really? Yeah. He started it by the side of the road in Maine. And he picks up this woman hitchhiking, and she turns out to be a marketing genius. And they get married at Du Bois. She took him for almost everything he's worth. There's a couple different theories. Somebody said she gave him like $4 million or whatever.

And then he was like a spokesman for the product. They would fly him to, like I said, Thailand or wherever. It's so funny. And it's not just lip balm. It was all different things made out of beeswax. Right. But most of the stuff is for skin care that women love. I guarantee your wife knows about it.

You don't know. My wife might have really bad skin. What? She might not know about it. She might have really bad skin. Yeah, but she not know about it. She might have really bad skin. Yeah, but she's got soft lips. I know that for a fact. And you blew it.

You blew it. What does that even mean? Burt's Bees began in 1984. Yeah, he met a woman named, she was an artist roxanne quimby hitchhiking that's what i always say on my podcast fixing joe by the way listen what um is that i'm looking for that thing that side thing and like he found it in 1984 i want to let's think he was how old when he died 80 80 so So in 84, he wasn't that old. You do the math.

In 84, how old was he? 94, 2004. That's like what? I can't do math. 30 years ago? Joe, why are you doing this to me? Is that 30 years ago? He was probably born in 1935.

If you have 80, yeah. So he might have been 50. Yeah, he was born in 1935. Exactly. So I got three years. He was what? About 50, I guess. Yeah, 49.

So I got three years to figure out what's my Burt's Bees invention. You found it already. What? It's staining decks. Staining decks. I am good. Dude, no tape. I put a picture on Facebook.

Check it out. You stain decks with a bacon spread. Come on. No tape. You You stained decks with a bacon spread. Come on. No tape. You got to think out of the box. Please watch this documentary, dude. It's fascinating. It's frigging fascinating.

The only more fascinating. This is how my ADD works because you just said it boxed. Yeah. My dad loves puns. Your dad loves puns? Yeah. This might be his only one that I've ever laughed at. I don't know why it made me laugh.

Go ahead, do it. We're walking to the fireworks. Yeah. And my wife, which just making mistakes along the way, my wife, she's like, we need to get there early. Oh, God. Of course, we waited an hour for the fireworks to start. Did you ever watch nothing for an hour and wait?

It's the worst feeling ever. Yes, I saw your last special. And you blew it. And you blew it. You blew it. You blew it. So she says, we don't need chairs. That's her second one.

We bring lawn chairs. She goes, we don't need them. Leave them in the car. So you were standing for an hour waiting for the fireworks with kids? Sitting on the grass. Amongst a bunch of Puerto Ricans. She picks this weird spot that's not near the water. There's like sparse grass.

It was like rocks and gravel. She was on a roll, huh, Steph? Yeah. So she goes, we don't need them. So my mom spots this box filled with all these like cartons like flattened cardboard cartons flattened in this and my dad grabs a box i grab a box and my mom grabs a box to sit on here throw a piece of cardboard down i could sit on it wow so my dad's grandmother must have been happy and my dad's walking. Your grandmother must have been happy about that. And my dad's walking and he goes, hey, Joe.

I'm like, what? He goes, check it out. We all got box seats. Holy shit. Oh, my God. All right, just get the hell out of here. I got a goddamn pen. You got another one now?

It's your son. Mr. Matt Arise. Do this shot before I punch your fucking face and play that one. Do what? What's the one? I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. That's how I felt when he was telling me how to grill. I'm driving people nuts with these song clips.

No, they're great. I love them. Some guy goes, please stop doing that. No, I'm going to turn it up fucking. Foxy. Last thing you want to do is tell me not to do something that wasn't a badge not a bad thing i missed a matter he wasn't that bad i'd say you fouled it off it was a fastball down the middle well then seinfeld always said that comedians usually come from fathers that wanted to be funny but kind of never made it professionally they just kind of failed at it a little bit and then their kids go i'm gonna perfect that do you believe it well first of all can you name anybody that you grew up with whose father tried to be a professional

comedian no but the the that had like a dad that oh my dad's throwing jokes at my dad's funny but what you just said not my dad's bad actually sometimes stink. I got it from my old man. He used to fucking riff at the table in front of the company. He'd have the company. My parents' friends would be double over at the table. And just stuff he was riffing, not like joke jokes. My dad likes to tell joke jokes. Yeah, no. That's an unfunny guy.

Tell him to cut that shit off. He doesn't listen. My father would riff. You know? My father used to get a... Somebody would send him a postcard from italy every year like somebody relatives that go way back on my grandmother's side what are you looking at joe what time you gonna pick your kid up joe just between 4 and 4 30 oh really is that right

that clock yeah it's 3 40 where's where's the kid going to school canada i live a half hour from here yeah but where's his school? It's five minutes from my house. Okay. Well, we can wrap it up. It's not school. It's Joe's kids and his special ed. He goes to school year-round. How long we been going? How long we been going? I sounded so Italian.

Fifty-four and a half minutes. All right. We'll do a tight hour. We'll do six more minutes. Yeah, we'll do six more minutes. I'm telling you, it's your podcast. Do whatever you want. No, I don't want your kids sitting there you could keep going i don't want to read about you find your kid you know so continue in the bronx so your dad your dad continue that story he was riffing at the he'd get like a postcard from some it'll be a real italian name on it my grandmother's maiden name was like schmigliani it was the most italian it would be like abruzio schmigliani then it would say three perry terrace like the street name didn't match the you know and he and he fucking would make them up

make those oh yeah and and this guy al lions this older guy would come over our house and he thought that was the funniest my father would go on a riff for an hour just making up names that didn't go with the dresses and vice versa you know wow juan lopez for maple drive you know shit like he he would go like a half hour and this older guy i thought he that didn't go with the dresses and vice versa. Oh, wow. Juan Lopez for Maple Drive. He would go for like a half hour. And this older guy, I thought he was going to die at our kitchen. My father could riff, man. He'd be at the grill, and he'd have the cookout cracking up.

So that's definitely where I got it. My dad just tells bad jokes. Well, I think we have Joe's dad telling a bad joke. Pride, anger, covetousness. I can never say that. Lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what? The Bill of Rights. That's Mr. Matt Arese on Hollywood Squares back in the 70s. I'll take Bill Mattarese to block.

Billy Mattarese. Oh, by the way, real quickly, you mentioned this on the last podcast. I watch Jaws. Fourth of July, I always watch it. And that lady was related. Did you find out how she's related to your dad? Mrs. Kittner? I'll text him this week.

The Kittner lady. Is that the part? She? Mrs. Kittner? I'll text him this week. Yeah, the Kittner lady. Is that the part? She played Mrs. Kittner? Yes, because little Kittner boy get eaten. He's the one on the raft. And then she comes down the next day dressing all black with a scowl on her face. Boy, she was a brute.

Slaps him in the face. Cracks him across the face. And you knew a girl was killed here last week. I just wanted you to know that. My boy is dead. And then she storms away. And the mayor goes, Martin, she's wrong. And he goes, no, she's not.

Quite a poignant moment. You know who's obsessed with that movie? Anthony Comia. He actually has the jacket. Really? With the anchors on it? Like the mayor? It is a great movie. Never gets old to me on it? It is a great movie.

Never gets old to me. No, that's a great movie. Robert Shaw? To have that simple little fucking premise and be so great. Well, Spielberg's a bit of a genius. You know the story behind it, right? The mechanical

shark, when they started shooting, the mechanical shark wasn't working. It wasn't working for like a month. They were shooting without a shark. So they shot without a shark. He came up with the idea of doing it from the point of view of the shark. Because they didn't have a shark. Do you fucking believe that?

That's Spielberg. A bit of a genius. I just thought of a bad joke. I'm not going to say it. Don't do it, Joe. Don't do it. We could get fired from here. I could have Bill Matarist you.

What was that movie where they were inside the guy's head with John Cusack? Being John Malkovich? Yeah, being John Malkovich. They couldn't get Malkovich. That's not bad. That's not bad. I'll tell you. Girl, I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in.

How about Don Zimmer's widow is furious? What happened to her? Because she's coming back, heading back to Florida. She came up with the old-timers game. They gave her a Zimmer jersey, the Yankees organization. Of course, some scumbag. It doesn't mention the airport, by the way. Once again, this is considered good reporting in this day and age.

I went to three stories about this jersey getting stolen. It got stolen at a New York airport. Out of her luggage? Yes. I read three stories and none of them mentioned the airport. I'm sure it's mentioned if I kept Googling on the 11th story. How can you do that? Are they protecting the airport?

Is the author of the story protecting the airport? do that? Are they protecting the airport? Is the author of the story protecting the airport? Why wouldn't you mention what fucking airport? Anyways, it really is. New York's a cesspool. Oh, yeah.

It really is. I saw a... I think it happens in all... all airports. Really? You think it happens that much in North Dakota?

It's a very big crime thing is for them to steal shit out of the luggage. Yeah. More so in other cities. Probably. Definitely. JFK's gotta rank higher. Yes. Higher than Burbank. Yes. You know, fucking Newark, where 11 out

of 10 foreigners are working TSA and baggage handling. Yeah, let's put aside the politically correct horse shit. So, yeah. So, imagine she's, can you imagine? She's got to find the shirt. Let's end with the Florentine story. I want to know more. Oh, I forgot about Jimmy.

I want to know more about that. Well, I'll tell you what's funny about it. I opened to that page today, right? You just opened right to it. Oh, it was like the second page I turned. But listen to this. I just briefly, I glanced at her. Didn't even look at him.

So I went to the next page. I go, that story doesn't look like it interests me. So I went on to read the rest of the paper. And then I went back to the beginning some reason. And then this Florentine stared me in the face. I almost fainted. We already talked about this. What more do you need to know?

I don't know. Give me fucking more. I don't know what I do. I don't know what I do. Tell me. Give me some Florentine. I don't know what I fucking do. Fucking if I had a private investigator, I got a good fucking publicist. I said, fuck it.

I'm bringing her down. If I can get it right in the paper, never gonna get fucking late again. Oh, not bad at all. That's Jim Florentine. You know who does a killer Florentine? Coomey, right? Probably Coomey, but you know who? On Howard Stern Jeff Norris

Not Jeff, the guy that's been there Fred Norris I was in there being on Stern one day And we brought up Florentine's name came up And all of a sudden he started doing Florentine And I was looking around You on Stern one day, and we brought up, Florentine's name came up, and all of a sudden, he started doing Florentine, and I was looking around. You thought Jim was there? I had never.

I thought mine was better. No, it's not. Damn it. No. His is better. And you know, I'm a big fan of your voices, Joe, even the ones in your head. His is better? Yes.

It was scary. Scary good. I'm not going to fucking do it anymore, then. Fucking stop. That's scary good. I'm not going to fucking do it anymore then. Fucking stop. That's pretty good. What are you packing? Oh, that's why you wanted me to go back to that story. I want to hear it, though.

What is the story? It's just about him hiring an investigator. You really do have ADD. Let me see the picture. What are you going to fucking... Yeah, that's good radio. You're looking at the picture on radio. Jesus Christ, Joe.

Help me out here. So what is the... But the divorce happened a while radio. Jesus Christ, Joe. Help me out here. So what is the... But the divorce happened a while ago. It's just weird that it came out now. It came out now because I told he's writing letters to the police station saying this guy should be fired. I'll give you the article for the ride home while you're waiting for your kid. Is the guy going to get fired?

I don't know. He's like 23 years old, the guy, right? He was young. All right, whatever. Florentine's getting a lot of acting work right now. I didn't memorize the fucking thing. Did you see him in the Louis episodes? Yeah, did you see me in the Amy Schumer episode?

I did. I told you I'm ready to watch. And in the three fucking Louis episodes. I love how mad you get if I compliment anybody else. You said he's getting a lot of acting work. He ain't getting any more than me. A lot more than me, and I'm not as mad as you. I'm not mad. I love Florentine. I'll read the article to you joe okay what did you see

your kid right now is being picked up by a stranger why i know we got around this look a veteran comic who uh garnered rave reviews for his brief stint on tv's louis has gone to war against the jersey cop he says broke up his marriage. Jim Florentine, who appeared in the season finale of Louis C.K.'s sitcom, has written to the Matawan police chief in the Monmouth County Prosecutor's Office asking that the hunky 23-year-old cop be prosecuted for public lewdness or at least be disciplined for bad judgment. Fuck it, discipline him. I love him.

Love Florentine. Fuck a discipline him. He'd be better off calling than writing letters with his voice. Maybe me and him might get nominated. They put his thing up, too, for like a possible Emmy nod, you know? Yeah, I heard that. Hearing about that in a couple of years. I loved his episodes because the character just reminded me of so many of those douches that you worked with on the road.

How about him fucking trying to shit in the upper decker? That's his bit, right? That's like his signature bit, him taking an upper decker. He really does do those upper deckers. He's a guy in his 50s that would still do an upper decker. That's what I love about him. I never even heard of an upper decker until I met him. Me either.

No. He cracks me up. Love Florentine. Just an odd guy. Loved him. The most fun I've ever had is on the road with Jim Florentine for like three days doing the I Need Pepper and the SARS and the MIST. Andy Griffith is still alive, by the way.

Is he really? Yeah, this weekend it said he died. He died three years ago. My wife goes, you know Andy Griffith died? I said he died three years ago. She goes, no, he didn't. I didn't know he was dead. Yeah. I'm a big Andy Griffith fan.

Apparently, yeah, you love him, huh? Face in the Crown. What's that? You ever see that movie? No. Oh, that's not him. Do I get him and Fred McMurray mixed up? Wait, wait.

Maybe it is him. It is him. Face in the Crown? You never saw Face in the Crown? No. Was it his face or aunt bees unbelievable movie and it's kind of about show business you would like it i'll google it today it won the academy award in like fucking 51 or did he win it he didn't win it i don't know if

he was nominated i think he was a big girl by the way he might have been he was the lead and it's a dark movie for a way back when about a guy who's got he comes from nowhere he's like some hillbilly hick some somebody finds him for some reason says we're gonna make this guy a star and they give him his own talk show and he's a real scumbag oh really in the movie yeah and then they turn the cameras on him so the world sees him being a scumbag without him realizing it i heard the whole world turns on really good movie that's similar to the movie with jim carrey where they film his life right whatever that movie was remember oh yeah what was that one uh truman show yeah same idea i have a feeling no because this guy's like a johnny carson they make them like oh like a talk

show he was a bit of a prick, I heard. Carson? No. Andy. Andy Griffith? Yeah. Well, he was a stand-up, right? I think he was. He was a stand-up. Yeah. Yeah.

And we all know how those North Carolina stand-ups are. I can't whistle. One of the greatest great theme. It would have been funny if he pushed Opie

into the water and started throwing rocks at him and left him there. And Aunt Bea found this corpse. Anyways, that's for another day. That's if they made the show today, that would be the opening. It was such a dark course. Anyways, Matt Arise, God bless you. I couldn't have done this today.

Thank you, man. Thanks for having me. It's funny because somebody on Twitter said, you should have a co-host on all the time. I'm like, that's not what most people say. They want us to get our own show on Kumi's network. But you're already on a network. I have plans. I'm working on shit.

He keeps saying that. Well, you know, it is. Help me out, dude. I'm fucking starving here. What do you mean? I'm dying. I got no money. I'll describe the last 10 years of my career.

You want to fucking describe it? Here's my career in a nutshell. Right there. That's my son this morning. I can't go to school today. That's me. Here's my career. Right there.

Anyways, Joey boy, thank you so much. Your kids, now I'm worried about them. Yeah, I got to go. You got to go. Some guy's got them in a van right now with a cupcake. And kids, we'll talk to you real soon. Go get another Senseless Killing at nickdip.com. And please go see me on July 18th at the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, Connecticut.

And July 22nd, I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club outside of Los Angeles. I'm going out there to do a bunch of podcasts, the big ones. Good for you. I got a couple of plugs. Follow me on Twitter. That's most important. Yeah, follow me on Twitter, too. At the Joe Mattarese.

At Chili Davis. And come and see me. Come and see me. I'll be at Marissa's in Trumbull, Connecticut this Saturday. Go to treehousecomedy.com. And then the 31st and the 1st of August, I will be at Joker's Wild in New Haven, Connecticut. Come on out to that.

Follow me on Twitter. What a good father he is. His kid's been standing at a bus stop crying for a half hour, and he's doing his plugs. All right, kids, I'll talk to you real soon. I'll talk to you real soon. And make out a smile, though I wear a frown. And I'm not gonna take it all lying down. Cause once I get started, I go to town. Cause I'm not like everybody else. No, no.

I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. guitar solo Outro Music