The Nick DiPaolo Show - 091 - OPP, Ridgefield, Whitey

Episode Date: July 28, 2015

OPP, Ridgefield, Whitey

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, everybody. In keeping with guests only named Joe. And again, you see the list of Mattarice. List is the only one crazy enough to come all the way from the city to do this. Mattarice is 20 miles from here. That's right, it's Mattarice. What the hell? Joe List.

Joey List. Blowing up. Is he? Doing well, isn't he? Yeah, he's on, you know, at Last Comic Standing. He's got three in the can, and he's got a half-hour special in the can. Does he? Nice.

What's three in the can? Three, uh... Are you in show business, Joe? Three, uh... It's a sanitation expression. No, I mean for Last Comic Standing. What do you mean three in a can? He's already done

He's done three episodes of it already? Yeah I guess I shouldn't give it away It came down him Into a Chinese midget In the midget blue moe With some really harsh Anti-white jokes

I hear Howard Stern's leaving America's Got Talent Is that right? That's what someone just told me A couple nights ago. I didn't know that. I don't follow that. That show's fucking horrendous.

I heard they're actually weeding. Oh, yeah, you were on it. I was on how they fuck a performer that they're fucking Howard Stern. The hosts are barely showing his comments anymore because they know they're getting rid of him. They're weaning the world off of him. He's the reason they moved it to New new york i know why is he leaving i think he's just probably just done with it probably figured this is a pain in the ass i mean it's like the gone gong show that takes itself serious it's not even as good as the gong show no the gong show was great i love the gong show

was the best wasn't it and that's sort of this version of but it's not funny it takes itself serious so seriously that when joe was on it they edited his set to make him look like he was bombing when he had a good set what i didn't have a good set but they had no audience you didn't have a good oh there was no live audience there was no live audience that's kind of important with stand-up, I found, over 28 years. Yeah. You can't really do it in an empty room. You should have told him to stick in Brian Williams' ace. It's funny what you realize you should have done.

You were thinking about suing. That's what I love about you. I thought about everything. Suicide? I just had another situation. I actually wrote down things that I wanted to ask you about on this podcast. Okay. Because this is kind of, we you about on this podcast. Okay. Because this is kind of, we're doing a group podcast. It'll be a Fixing Joe.

It'll be a Nick DiPaolo podcast. Sure. If the Riotcast people don't mind. Yeah, that's right. We kind of piggybacked on you. Do they mind? I didn't know. I didn't clear it with them.

I didn't think of it like that. Well, it's fine. It's fine, Joe says. Rob Sprantz don't't mind he's a cool cat and i'm not yeah we don't do this all the time and i know him a little bit what joe's saying is usually uh he'll do mine then i'll go to his house and do his and they're posted separately but here we're just killing two birds with one stone well we'd end up talking about the same things twice no we don't we mix we mix it up little bit, but there would be a lot of the things that I wanted to talk about on my podcast.

And if I came to your house two days before I did mine, because I usually do mine on Wednesdays, I would end up saying that. Love you. You're low, Tony Soprano. I didn't smash his fucking face. It was on negative two. Nobody heard that. So I wanted to talk to you about this at the top because I did another stupid thing that reminds me of me performing with no audience. Before you do that, let me thank the people at Ridgefield, Connecticut for coming out last Saturday night.

How'd it go? It was great. 350, 375. Nice. Beautiful. People on the balcony bottom was full and they said it was the largest crowd of the summit because in the fucking dead of summer everybody's you know wherever they're at but uh yeah beautiful turnout did it did an hour plus went by like it was six minutes just it's theater like we talked about there's no fat waitresses being loud and who wanted the margarita?

Shut up. Trying to tell a joke. You fuckhead. Uh, it was beautiful. People sitting there hanging on every word. Yeah. They're sophisticated people.

Nice people up there. Not a chicken finger or a Buffalo wing in the place. Just the way it's supposed to be. Eyes on me, motherfucker. And Kendra Cunningham did a great job. She's funny as hell. No intermission either, right? Just boom, boom. Intermission. What am I doing? Les Mis she's funny as hell no intermission either right just boom boom intermission what am i doing lay ms of course there's no intermission sometimes they want an

intermission just so they can make more money i call the shots like what's my show you had the key you gave me the keys to open the door to this dump that's all get out of my way now fucking intermission i know you're right though i've done shows where it's really you want an intermittent really yeah let's drag it out some more people have the attention span of carcass spaniels on crack but let's stretch it out some more it was awesome it was so so the way it's supposed to be that you know and then the next day i had to get on a plane to la and we'll talk about that but yeah i enjoyed the it's my favorite gig ridgefield i know well you did 900 radio shows for more promoting it i didn't but it actually paid off, I guess.

It worked. I actually did one in Westchester with some guy like five minutes from here. A station I didn't even know existed. I don't think it's a very large signal. I mean, he could like stand on the roof of the building and I could hear his broadcast. Chaz and AJ? No. No, that's an hour from here.

You did that one, right? Yeah, that's the big one. I'm doing that one this Friday for the first time. Are you really? To promote a gig in New Haven that I'm doing this weekend. They're great. They're great guys, both of them. You got to sit in for the whole show.

You're there for like three hours. Yeah, they really get your money's worth out of you. And they play music, so you get to say three words every 12 minutes. But Chaz, it's fun watching this guy work the board. This guy's been doing radio forever well those guys that are real pros at that with comedians that they do they know how to get the strong out they wait for you they're just waiting for you to say something really fun and it's like bam they go right to the commercial yeah and he's got so much going on it almost makes

me like look like because i love radio i love the door but i'm like i wouldn't want to do that he every minute of every hour is blocked with some you know i mean he's got as soon as he gets done chatting with me okay we have a news report they'll whatever they talk to some you know the mayor of uh you know milford has a story or whatever and and they go right to traffic and then they go to a couple commercials come by play two songs and and then they would they play some contests that they do every week. You know what I mean? Every minute is filled with.

And I'm like, how the fuck? But you always say you wouldn't want to do something like that. Well, that's a little too commercial for me. Yeah, I want to blab for an hour without a break. You know what I mean? But there's no money in that. I was going to say, what radio is that? Well, that's called satellite radio, Joe. You think?

What do you mean you think? Have you ever done fucking Opie and Jimmy or ONA? They have a longer... They do go to commercial, though. Yeah, but you talk for an hour before they have a break. Right. But there's no money on satellite radio unless you're... No, exactly.

That's rare. Well, exactly. That's why I'm still selling weed to school children up in Yorkville. But I'm saying, you wouldn't try to make some sort of adjustment to what you do if you had a terrestrial radio job that paid a lot of money? And it was in New York? You wouldn't adjust it? If you had to play a little bit of music and talk, you wouldn't?

There's no such thing, Joe. There's no such thing. There's no such thing, is there? No. But no, I'm not going to be like a morning zoo guy. No. But they do have opinions and they not gonna be like A morning zoo guy No But they do have opinions And they talk

For like two seconds It's not That's not what I wanna be able to be Uncensored too Okay You can't say anything It's a family show

I make like a Slightly off color remark And I see Chaz And AJ's face go white What do they do They drop it out They hit the dump buck They just dump

The guy's got his thumb On the dump button The minute I walk in. But he's, like I said, it's fun watching him. It's like watching a symphony guy leading an orchestra. Right. You just know. There's a million buttons.

He's working the board and shit. Well, Howard Stern, he does the same thing. He runs his own board. He does? Yeah, he runs that whole thing if you watch him. What are you talking about? What's Fred Norris doing? He does all the sound effects.

But Howard has all the things and the levels and everything. I know. He should. He's only getting a billion dollars. He should be fucking cleaning the toilets and the grout work. But anyways, yeah, you'll enjoy that. That's a great show. It's a fun show to do.

Hopefully it'll sell some tickets because... What are you pushing? What show? I got a last minute call. I've had some of the weirdest luck this summer with a lot of different things. I can tell by your outfit. Go ahead. So I'm doing this what's it called? The gig.

Joker's Wild in New Haven. It can't be the same room that I did in 1991. It probably is. It's right across the street from Frank Pepe's. I don't know what that means. It's that little Italy where there's two world-famous pizza places. I guess. I don't really remember.

There's Sally's and Frank Pepe's, and it's this Worcester street that's like this little Italy. I told you the first time I did it, the guy goes, hey, you were late. He hands me the envelope because it's 50 light because you were late no i don't remember this he doesn't own it anymore he was a little connected guy well yeah and his mother was like i told her but they loved me so they had me back many times i go when i go in the men's room the mother is uh snorting coke with a state trooper no way i never met the mom she's like a 70 old greek slash sicilian woman oh my she's probably gone now he had a gorgeous really italian wife i think so

yeah very gorgeous um well it's they have new bookers now so this is classic i get this call it's like two weeks out before the gig and they go we got to cancel your gig just cancel what do you mean canceling it why they go new bookers i go well it's two weeks out you can't do that just give me the date they're doing local door guys now it's like a bringer club that's what he tells me and i go boy i go well let's keep i go i'm not going to be able to get anything keep the date and just make let's make it a door deal i'll just i'll get no flat i have no flat money it's just whatever i make it a door deal. I'll just, I'll get no flat, I have no flat money. It's just whatever I make at the door is what I make.

So this young kid called me, he was running it, and he's real hungry. He sounds hilarious on the phone. His name's like Vinny something. Vinny Beetle or something. So it hasn't changed. He goes, Joe, it's Vinny Beetle. I'm running the place now.

I'm going to be doing all kinds of things. I'm going to fill it. You'll be good. You'll probably make more than what your flat fee was. I'm like, yeah, okay. Let's see. So I got to cancel my opener. I got to do it.

I'm not paying you out of my money, so you're gone. I had to get rid of that. I said, book some local guys that can bring some people. So did it hurt Florentine's feelings when you canceled them? You missed it. You missed it. I didn't miss anything. So I had that happen. So I got that happening this week.

So the thing... Oh. This could be... I'm on ADD meds right now. Yeah, apparently you didn't fucking up the dosage. You're all over the place. Am I? I could be. It makes you feel a little weird. You're like my agent. This is day two of it. I'm not used to it.

No, you're all right. But we did tease something at the beginning of the podcast that we didn't get to. What? I brought up that I had this shitty, I did something stupid like I did on America's Got Talent, which is perform for no audience. I did something in Philly to try to get myself a philly sports talk radio job this was classic i'm talking this guy joe conklin who's a friend of mine who's this local philly radio like celeb he does all philly sports impressions and he's always

on wip which is like the big philly station down there yeah familiar with it so conklin and i are talking on the phone about maybe doing some local gigs because he's pretty big down there yeah familiar with it so conklin and i are talking on the phone about maybe doing some local gigs because he's pretty big down there yeah and uh he goes dude i just thought of it you should try to get the job the midday guy here's uh tony you probably know this guy tony been around forever yeah i was gonna ask you and already took his job i was just got while he was leaving anyway but i was gonna ask you what his last name was. You don't know what it is. He's a real miserab, they say.

Yeah. Tony Bruno. Bruno. Tony Bruno. So Tony Bruno was doing middays for a short time with this guy, Josh Innes at WIP in Philly. Too much information. Go ahead. So Tony retired and he needs a new midday co-host with him.

So Conklin goes, well, they're kind of running this contest. Who needs a midday co-host? Conklin? No, Innes, this guy. Oh, Innes. He does the afternoons. All right. So he goes, they're doing this contest where they want callers to call in, and they'll give you a couple of subjects, and then they let you riff,

and then they give it to another caller and let him riff, and then they pick who was the winner of the two. And he goes, I'll put a good word in for you because I know everybody there, but you have to do this. And I said to my wife after I did it because it went horrific. Do I have this right? You're competing against callers for a job? Yeah.

It's ridiculous. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people intelligent? What the fuck? You are a peach. He goes, I'll put in a good word for you to try to get you an audition or maybe a month trial or whatever it is. You'll get paid. He's saying that you'll get paid a scale, radio scale.

But you got to go through the ringer like everybody else and do this little contest. I go, dude, I know I won't be good at that. I go, one, I'm not from Philly. I don't live in Philly anymore. I don't know enough about sports, especially Philly sports. I know, but you could have put a funny spin on it. I should have. I blew it.

Just start. First of all, you do your voice. I should have done stallone because they were doing it like it was a no but who's the broadcaster you always did the sports harry callas yeah i should have done all my philly guy right yeah well that's where i blew it because they the guy were announcing it as a as a one in a million shot like they were calling it the rocky of radio like we're gonna give chance. Unknown a shot. In your other role of Apollo Creed. I'm on hold for like 45 minutes.

I call in. This is before the ADD meds. Maybe it would have helped me if I was on Adderall then. The first subject was this guy coming up for the Phillies who's been in their farm system for a while, and they were going to have him pitch that night. And he wanted to know how many people you thought the stadium would draw with this new guy because the Phillies are in last place.

Yeah. Of course, I never fucking even heard of the guy. I don't have time to go Google it. I'm live. I know. So I'm like, I'm trying to make it up like I know he is. That's what I said. Should have done voices? No, it would have been really funny if you just started

making shit up. That made no sense? No sense. That's what I did. Should have done voices. No, it would have been really funny if you just started making shit up. That made no sense. No sense. That's what I did, naturally. Or you could start referencing fucking Phillies plays that you knew in the 70s and 80s. But been really slick about it. And they're like, this guy really has the chops. But he fucking doesn't know anything. You're supposed to follow the Phillies.

They swept the Cubs this weekend, by the way. Even I knew that. Cole Hamels threw a no-hitter. Threw a no-hitter. I didn't find out until today that's how clueless I am.

So then the second question was about Donald Trump. And this is something that came up in my therapy that I go to the dumb guy a lot instead of trying to be... Right. I just took this

five-hour neuropsych test and the doctor said at the end of it, you go to stupid too easily. You know some of this shit, and you just default to be the dumb guy. Yeah, I think that's an accurate diagnosis. Yeah, I thought it was, too, because my immediate answer about Donald Trump, I go, I'm an Italian from Jersey.

What do I know about politics? And then the other guy knew. Like Italians from Jersey don't know politics? It was stupid, yeah. Jersey, what do I know about politics? And then the other guy knew. Like Italians from Jersey don't know politics? It was stupid, yeah. They're fucking labor. They're all the crooked fucking union guys. Yeah, that's all they do is read the paper.

Exactly. On whether or not work. Trump has relationships with every fucking union guy in Philly, crooked Italian. You could have went right into it. But after did it went it went so poorly that afterwards i said to my wife i go i should have thought what would nick do and i can i can hear your voice in my head going just put the good word in and i'll go uh and then tell him i i would like to do the job and we'll work out the salary like there's no way you would call in i'm like he would not be a caller.

Yeah, but you know what? Look how it's worked for me. You know, it's not bad to do it. But you've had a radio job. I did. I've had a couple. You've had a couple. And by the way, those people, they think I'm failing at radio.

I'm not. The first, the Free FM thing went bankrupt. That had nothing to do with me. Right. It went bankrupt. Right. So the whole station changed formats. That had nothing to do with me.

Right. And then Nick and Arnie was just a different you know artistic difference between me and the guys that ran DirecTV I wanted to do a different show so that's why I still love it and I you know we're going to talk about my trip but I went out to LA last weekend I wanted to get that off my chest

that that was just I had nothing on this picture you should have just started naming fillies from the 70's I can't even you know them you were fillies and grown up that pitcher. You should have just started naming Phillies from the 70s. I can't even. You know him, though, right? You were Phillies and growing up. Oh, yeah, Bake McBride.

That's what you should. Never mind this new kid they're trying to bring up. Bake McBride should be fucking. He's the one who could provide offense for this team. Yeah, we need Del Unser. Del Unser, for Christ's sake. You know who that is? Yeah, he's a race car driver.

No, he was a Philly. Del Unser? He was on the 80s. There was also a race car driver. No, he was a filly. Del Unser? He was on the 80s. There was also a race car driver named Del Unser, wasn't there? I know the 80 fillies because they won the World Series. You should have just started bringing up fucking flyers' names. Moose DuPont. Fuck this kid.

They're trying to bring up Moose DuPont and Reggie Leach. I didn't have time to come up with an angle. He threw it at me, then boom. I didn't have time to think about it. That's funny. That's fucking making you jump through hoops my brother goes what are you doing trying to get a sports talk radio job you don't know sports i go well couldn't that be funny that i know a little and i'm trying to learn yeah why do you have to do you ever notice that they all sound the same too like that was something I said on my podcast last week. If you listen to New York sports talk, a lot of them all sound like Chris Russo. And in Philly, they all sound like Angelo Cataldi.

Give us little Harry Callas. Harry Callas? Yeah. He was the voice of the late great. The voice of the Phillies. Yeah, he was the voice of the Phillies. And he did NFL football. NFL films.

People don't really know. They don't realize that John Facenda crossed over and became Harry Callas Super Bowl 14. I don't know who played in Super Bowl 14. You have any idea? No. Doesn't matter, Joe. The Dallas Cowboys

are led by none other than the great Roger Stalback, who likes to throw long to Drew Pearson. Drew Pearson, number 88, could drag his feet like no other wide receiver in Dallas Cowboys history. Give me a little music. You got the NFL thing? Give it a little music.

You got the NFL thing. You're watching Monday Night Football on CBS. I'm Harry Kalas. Tonight we got the Philadelphia Eagles going up against the Atlanta Falcons. Atlanta wide receiver, we know him as Alfred Jenkins. Alfred Jenkins went to Abilene Christian. And, of course, the Philadelphia Eagles, number seven, Ron Jaworski, likes to throw deep to Harold Carmichael in the end zone.

That's enough of that. Just all people. Nobody remembers. Harold Carmichael was such a. There's somebody they remember. What the hell's going on out here? What is camel hair suit on the sidelines. That could be my old man. So let's see.

I want to hear about the podcast. You did like every podcast there was. Before we get to that, you were mentioning the sportscasters and Colin Coward. He's an ESPN guy. He's like the best. He's, you know, simulcast like me and Artie. He's on TV, and he's really good on the mic. Right.

But he got in trouble this past weekend for, they were talking about how, I'm just paraphrasing, but they were talking about how sports, somebody said that baseball's a really heady game and the managers really affect what goes on, and he disagreed with it. He said, I think football's more heady as far as managers really affect what goes on. And he disagreed with it. He said, I think football is more heady as far as managers.

He goes, come on, baseball is half Dominican, which is kind of an insult. I heard it. Meaning that it's not heady because it's Dominican. Like Dominicans aren't smart. And I'm going, he couldn't have meant it that way. He must have meant, I was trying to like in my head rationalize for him. He must have meant like a lot of, you know, Dominicans that come over are, you know, they're young kids who aren't highly educated but they're great baseball i don't know what he meant but you can't in today's climate you can't fucking say that yeah i don't know what

he meant so esp well he what he was saying is his argument and again he used demand which was you know a slight towards the medicans right but he was saying that baseball managers don't have as much effect yeah you know he said look goes, we have a better chance, a sports writer, you know, arguing off camera with a manager as opposed to a guy writing a play for Bill Belichick. That would never happen. Now that you're saying that, it makes it almost sound like they're all Dominican. They're so good that they don't need any instruction. Is that what he meant?

No, no. It sounds like that a little bit. He was just saying yeah and again i don't think he's i don't think he's trying to slight dominican people as a whole but maybe just the young ball players that come over that are young and not you know aren't highly educated i don't know but it just i don't think so espn came out well espn came out and canned them really well but here's here's the espn thing he was leaving anyways he was going to Fox Sports One. So ESPN, because they're

so politically... I can't even watch them anymore. I can't even watch Around the Fucking Horn anymore. It's so politically correct. It's just pure political correctness comes out of it. You have to watch it to understand it. I can't even watch... Bomani Jones and Professor Blackstone, all these black pundits, sports

pundits who are just... They see racism in everything, and it's just so fucking tiring. And it's hard to watch, you know? And. So is it going to affect his next job because they fired him? I don't know. I guess that's to be seen. I bet it will. No, I think he's still getting the job.

I mean, you know, he came out and apologized, which is all white guys do today. Every time he turned around, whether it's politics or sports, we're being bullied verbally. You just fucking, there's like six words white people can say. But that one was like, even I was like, how the hell, what did he mean by that? I still think that he was saying that in baseball, it's not as affected. It's the players is what I'm thinking he was trying to say. That it's not as affected what it's the players is what I'm thinking he was trying to say that it's not as heady you don't have to do

as much but a football coach has to really do a lot of heady thinking to set plays up and all that. Yeah but why did he use Dominican? Well because he's saying they're all Dominican maybe he's saying that the coaches don't speak Dominican these guys are just going out there and doing what they do like the coach doesn't speak Dominican how the fuck does he tell them?

He didn't say that in his apology. He should have. Well, that's a great answer. I'm going to call him back. All of a sudden, Joe is, yeah, why don't you give him a call? You don't get that gig in Philly. Well, I used to have a joke that I tried like two times about my son's Little League team sucking because we didn't have any Dominicans on our team.

Right. That you can't have Trevor turn the the double double play over to like zach you know you got to have manny throwing it to you know raul over to uh carlo if i if i was if i was uh carlo howard i would have said uh really you ever hear fucking manny ramirez speak or you know i would have brought up eight different players who are fucking lopey but that's the thing well Whitey has to just lay down and take it and ESPN acts all high and mighty we won't we don't tolerate that type of shit meanwhile they have fucking rappers singing about you know fucking shooting up the place and and they get Ray Lewis guy you know who's almost

indicted on murder charge that That's a great point. If you follow sports, everybody knows they're full of shit. I can't watch Ray Lewis. ESPN is run by Disney, which is the most politically correct fucking corporation in the history. Nothing's more politically correct than pro sports. So what is their defense and why they have a guy who was like up

for like, you know, a fucking murder. Who? Ray Lewis. Like Ray Lewis and shit? Having a job there. He wasn't charged. That's their defense. But I mean... They don't have to defend.

They're so big, Disney. You know? But when a white guy like Colin Coward says something like that, boy, they can puff their chests out. Same way like fucking Roger Goodell is doing with Tom Brady, you know? Let's give Ray Rice two games originally for knocking his wife out, but oh my God, under deflated football,

that's four games and a fucking million dollar fight. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Did he get it reduced or that's still pending? That's still pending, I think. There was some information

on it this week, but speaking of like white apologies, let's listen to, let's listen to Martin O'Malley. He was the governor of Maryland and ran the state into the ground. He makes Obama look conservative. Just a mealy-mouthed white lip. Everything I hate about the fucking world.

Dude, I'm an Italian. I don't really know anything about politics. Yeah, well, tough. My listeners, just because you're here, I'm not going to abandon my fucking state. I'm kidding, asshole. I said that earlier. Hey, take it easy, will you, ADD? Jesus, Joe's all fired up today.

I thought you would get the joke. What was the joke? I'm sorry. Because I said earlier that I always go to the dumb. Oh, I'm an Italian. What do I know? Yeah, you don't do that. Because you're not dumb.

You came in here with your equipment. I was making a joke. It sucked. I know a joke. I do it for a living. I'm not calling Philly sports shows and competing against fans. We got Nick DiPaolo on the line. He wants to try to get the job.

See, you gotta focus, Joe. Let's listen. This is Martin O'Malley in front of like a black crowd, and he made the mistake of saying that all lives matter. This is beautiful, because liberals are attacking liberals now. It's so fucking fun if you follow politics. But this is the initial.

He says all lives matter, and you know, he says black lives matter, and when he says black lives matter and when he says white life listen to the crowd which is predominantly black every life matters and that is why this issue is so important black lives matter white lives matter all lives matter Who's the racist now? Wow. Black lives matter. White lives matter. Look at him. He was stunned. All lives matter.

Listen to him like a robot. Just a sniveling little white backpedaling. You think black people respect a guy like that? This guy wants to, you know, maybe jump in and run for president. Where was that? I don't know. Doesn't matter. Somewhere.

No. No. Doesn't matter, matter though the audience was black can you imagine you say all lives matter and black people get pissed and then when you say white lives they fucking boo who's racist now who's racist now that's so funny i was just talking about that this weekend there used to be a club called the laugh house in philly you would get heckled by, it was an all-black audience, and you would get heckled in the middle of killing, and you didn't even know what to say. Like, it was going well, you're getting applause breaks,

all of a sudden some black dude would stand up and be like, yo, shit's corny, motherfucker. Get off stage. You're like, I don't even know how to handle that when it's going well. Why would you go to a play and all-black club? They hate your guts, Joe. They hate you. Even the ones pretending like they hate you.

Fuck you. They hate me, right? No, look, I mean, not you personally. All of us. They hate Whitey. That's the big secret. As a comedian, they really have trouble going that way. Now, here's O'Malley.

Here's him apologizing on a black radio show like a few days later. Listen to this sniveling, backpedaling little puss. I meant no disrespect. That was a mistake on my part, and I meant no disrespect. And I did not mean to be insensitive in any way. What a big girl. I did not understand the tremendous passion, commitment,

and feeling and depth of feeling that all of us should be attaching to this issue. Jeez. Do you really think anybody respects that? That type of sniveling, backpedaling, apologists? You think even black people would respect that? Did he say something else that's not on the clip that he's apologizing for? You think so, right?

Maybe at the clip end, he was like yelling the N-word or something. And you blew it! You blew it. He's apologizing for complimenting them. Black people matter. White people matter. Boo! White lives don't matter.

That's why I give black people credit. They're being honest. Wow. But how about him backpedaling it's it is so what the people on the left the dems what they'll do to get votes is just it's fucking hilarious it's just like you saying like if having a radio show in the wrong market could just be so miserable like that that comes with that job you have to just lie and pretend though trump don't, though.

Trump's not. Yeah. Do you think Trump's going to win, though? I don't give a shit. It doesn't matter if he's going to win or not. But you know what? He's already staying in longer than people. They don't know what to do with him.

It's fun. It is fun to watch. He's a breath of fresh air. No, he's not going to. If I'm like the Republican candidates, you know, and he's going to be in the first debate, all you have to do is get real inside baseball with him, start talking politics. Like, you know, because he doesn't, again, I don't see, Trump doesn't come across that bright to me.

He knows how to tap into, you know, populist anger and stuff. But if they start asking him about what would you do in Syria and get into real inside baseball shit, he's not going to know. I would love to hear what his answer is. I think that's what's going to happen in the debate. I hope I'm wrong. I hope he gets up there and just keeps fucking lambasting people. Political correctness

is the cancer. It's what's dividing us. That's why he, you know, I was never impressed with his intelligence. I always say to my wife when I see Trump, I go, how can he be rich? He always says stuff like, you know, I'm leading in the polls in New Hampshire, and I got the most standing ovations.

That's something like, he actually says that. It's something like an open mic I would say. But I don't give a shit. The fact that he's going, fuck you, I'm saying it, because you're thinking it, and you're welcome, you know? Then you get this Martin O'Malley, this sniveling little, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it. Oh, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Every time you turn around, who else? They're all attacking each other. Right here in New York City, local politics, the head of the city council, this Verovito woman, Mark Verovito, whatever her last name is, is attacking her own boss, de Bl de blasio saying you're only doing that because i'm a woman so the libs are actually just trying to eat each other it's fun it's fun to watch but uh can you imagine i didn't mean it well he's saying it he has his hand over his heart o'malley he's just it was a black woman radio uh she was the radio host and he was you know doing everything but crying oh he went on a black. It was a black radio show. Radio show, to apologize. Yeah, of course.

You think anybody respects that? Latino, white, black, Chinese? No. That type of sniveling. Some of my best sets when it would be an all black crowd, and why I used to do them a long time ago. You went off? I would go right at them sometimes.

That's what they want. And it would really work. But there's always that one guy, though. There's one guy that just goes, uh- work. But there's always that one guy, though. There's one guy that just goes, uh-uh, I ain't listening to a white guy. I remember just laying in on him. I go, can I just ask a question before I start? Why do you guys wear fucking three-piece suits to the beach?

Like, I just started, like, asking him serious questions. Three-piece suits to the beach? Yeah, when I used to go to Wildwood, New Jersey, these black people would come from Camden. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah, go ahead. You can talk over the phone. Black people would come from Camden, New Jersey. They'd take the bus down to Wildwood and they'd set up a fucking barbecue grill

right on the beach, which I didn't even know you were allowed to do, but they just did it. They'd have those hibachis going and they'd be wearing suits and they'd just fucking take their shirts, their shoes off. That was it. I never saw that. I saw black people in suits. Where was that?

Baggy suits. Where? Wildwood, New Jersey. I still remember it. I worked on the beach when I was 17. It was hilarious. They just came from work? They didn't dress up to go to the beach.

I think they might have. I don't know. Did they take off the suits and they had like a Speedo on underneath? Not really. They were just, you know. In their boxes? Barbecuing. They didn't go into the water?

No, I didn't see them do that. Honey, go on the beach. It's the most racist podcast. You need sunblock? No, I'm going to put on my three-piece suit, my top hat. Holy shit. I never even heard that. Yeah.

Which reminds me. Oh, shit. I wanted to plug Colin's book. I don't even know the title of it. Tough to plug when you don't know the title. Is it on his new one-man show? It's based on that. Yeah, hold on.

New York Stories is the one-man show. It's the name of the one-man show. I don't think that's the name of the book, though. No? I'm going to run upstairs and grab it. You talk to these people for a second. You don't want to hit pause? I hit pause when I do my podcast.

You don't know how to hit pause? There's not a pause button here. It's called the space bar. No, that's not how it works. No? No. It's a different program, dude. What are you fucking talking about?

I probably, I'm going to hit play. That should pause it, right? See all this? I can't edit this shit out hold on all right the book it's called the coloring book a comedian solves race relations in america it's our old buddy colin quinn and nobody knows this subject like quinn because he grew up in brook Brooklyn in the 70s and you know in the most diverse neighborhood in the world and he is you know how he is you saw him on Tough Ground and the stuff he did he's obsessed with he has great points it but it's the funniest goddamn book because when he talks about the Irish he starts telling stories about when he was a drunk

getting beat up and beating people up and thrown out of but stuff you'd never know and calling Quinn now you're like are you sure is this his first book i think it's amazing that that's his first book but it's not amazing because he'd rather do one-man shows which is like do it hard it's almost as hard as doing a book but they could all be books every one of his one probably so that's that's probably great i was reading this on a plane on the way back from la and i was fucking belly laughing really oh my god it is so friggin funny especially like i said when he gets into what a crazy drunk he was but he but he's so he knows the ethnic breakdown of the city even now he talks about he goes i can tell by like looking at a subway train going

through queens he goes i know that the ecuadorians are going to get off on 115th Street. The Mexicans are going to get off in Corral. He knows like the breakdown shit that you wouldn't. Yeah. I mean, and he, you know, he talks about the Italians, you know, in Brooklyn, how crazy they were that even like black people didn't want to go into Bensonhurst and the Italians were nuts. And like his next door neighbor was Italian. And the kid would be washing the car and the father would be sitting on the stoop going, hey, you fucking idiot. You're doing it wrong. And just, you know, brutal. Well, I think of the Bronx.

Was it a Bronx tale or the Bronx tale? A Bronx tale. A Bronx tale. And that's a scene where the blacks and the whites just fucking fighting for no reason in Brooklyn. Or the Italians were crazy. Or that was the Bronx. Yeah. But go out and get it.

I'm going to the play. I was coming home from L.A. when it premiered. I would have went to the premiere. But I'm going Sunday night. I'm looking at trying to get tickets all week. And it's like there's no seats left. My wife and I should have went with you and your wife to that. I would have went to that.

Honest to God, Joe, I think there were like three or four seats left. I swear to God. The New York story? Yeah, the New York story. Where is it playing? The Cherry Lane Theater. Nice plug for Quinny. Nice.

But this book, go get the book. If you want to laugh your ass off. And he got a good review on the one man show in the post. So, but I was on a plane trying not to laugh. He's talking about he's drunk one night. He's all fucked up in a bar, you know, that he used to work in or something. The minute he came in, they wanted to get rid of him. He's drunk, you know.

And he puts on, he'd always put on the Stone song, I'll never be a beast of burden. But instead of saying that, he said, I'll never be a pizza server. He kept changing the word. And then hitting the jukebox so it would skip to that part. He kept saying it over. I mean, just, I know, you and I know Quinn the way he is now. Right. And you'd never expect, but he was like, he's one of those guys when he got alcohol in him, he turned into a demon.

Oh, yeah. He'd get beat up everywhere and then take on people. Yeah, so I'd recommend it highly. Fucking really good. Now that I'm on ADD meds, I'll get it. I'll be highly. Fucking really good. Now that I'm on ADD meds, I'll get it. I'll be able to read a book. Hell yeah. No, it's an easy read.

Because it's funny. You're ripping through it. You're done? You read the whole thing? Yeah. Yeah, I read the whole thing on the way home from LA. Don't lend book. I lent the book to Florentine once and never saw it again.

It's probably snorting coke off with an 18-year-old chick. I lent him the to Florentine once and never saw it again. It's probably snorting coke off it with an 18-year-old chick. I lent him the Bernie Brillstein book. What was it called? You're No One in Hollywood Unless Someone Wants You Dead. You ever read that? No. Really good book. The title is too long for me.

It's Bernie Brillstein's life story. Bernie Brillstein, who, by the way, and this is a true story. I'm doing a set at Stand Up New York, a showcase showcase back in the day when I first moved to New York. Yeah. Made him laugh so hard he fucking tips over in his chair backwards. Really?

Yeah. Kerry Hoffman comes up in the avenue and he goes Bernie Brillstein literally fell out of his chair. Leaning back laughing at you. He fell down.

I go you think he might want to sign me at that point? I made a huge showbiz name industry guy who's been in the business forever manages everybody fall out of his chair. Nothing. Nothing. Fucking showbiz name industry guy who's been in the business forever manages everybody

fall out of his chair nothing nothing fucking showbiz surprised you didn't sue me showbiz sucks I know what are you gonna do

I meet him after he goes well you know if I shit my pants and I bleed from my nose I might have signed you but for the love of Pete yeah

so speaking of you really do have AD For the love of Pete Yeah So Speaking of You really do have No I'm looking at the list For the podcast today What list? I have stuff I wanted to ask you about I got a whole thing

I know you got a lot too So I will you know I want to cover yours first Oh I thought we were doing my show And then we're just going to put it out there We are But these are things that I wanted to talk about On your show You can't Joe You're going to bore put it out we are but these are things that I wanted to talk about on your show you can't

you're going to bore the shit out of people what are we going to do two hours we're already at 40 minutes there's only two things on here I don't have like a long list I got to I got to let Rob Sprantz know that I paused it and broke the show into two segments I hope the fuck yeah but I did a lot of shit

This is the first week I've had anything to talk about On my show We'll talk about it We'll do it two hours I don't give a shit Yeah let's do it Well you gotta pick up your kid anyways

Not till four So yeah I went to LA Yeah I wanna hear about this And well it's not no biggie I just went out there To do a bunch of podcasts Because the last time I did it To promote Another Sense is Killing.

My album, by the way, which was like, it was up in the 70s on iTunes. Into the charts. Yeah. After I came back from LA. That's why I went out there. To give it a kickstart. You're like out of breath from doing nothing right now. What do you mean?

I don't know you sound out of breath. I'm not out of breath. I smoked a couple cigarettes before the show. Did you? Yeah. Which is stupid because I'm going to work out later. I got to be doing my, you got to stay focused. You got to stay, 30 minutes of Santa, you got to stay with it.

You got to stay focused. Sean T. I know. My big black gay friend who's in scary shape, by the way. You got to stay within yourself. You got to stay focused. This isn't about me. This is about you. I can do this. You got to stay within yourself. You got to stay, folks. This isn't about me. This is about you. I can do this. You got to stay with it.

So yeah, I went out to LA and did Adam Carolla's show. The Heavy Hitters. Yeah. Rogan. Have you done Carolla's before? Yes, I have. Rogan and Fitzsimmons. Not only I did a Fitzsimmons podcast, right after we finished the hour podcast, he has a Sirius radio show that goes live.

Oh, he does? Yeah. So I got two for the price of one out there. Right from his house, he does Sirius. No, not from his house. From a building, a studio. Oh, okay. But the last time I did his, you're right, it was at his house in his garage when I did his podcast.

But this was on Wilshire in a nice, serious studio. And I did Dom Herrera. Oh, at the comedy store? Yeah, at the Laugh Factory. Or at the Laugh Factory. And he- That must be classic. For some reason-

That's a video one too, right? It's not going to come out for a couple weeks. I go, what are you fucking doing? Star Wars? You got to put special effects in? It should come out the next day. And it was so fun because he had so many good stories and I had so many good say it was great he was on xanax it was like talking to you before you got on medicaid he's on xanax well he was that day he kept like what did you just wake

up he had me laughing he is a character man he is a funny yeah so i got to do all those and and like i said plug the thing and and then you know rogan keeps you on for three hours which is awesome oh yeah you know he's got this like you know like a strip mall he's got a suite and um love doing love doing rogan he didn't do marin uh marin i was supposed to do but he had to do something in hawaii fucker no but he's coming in new york and i'm gonna do it this week really at the end of the week. I believe so. Yeah. His producer texted me today. Glad you brought that up.

That's another number you won't give me. What am I, your fucking agent? Do some work yourself, motherfucker. I had a contact with his old person that booked it, but it's not the same person anymore. I don't think. Do you know, Mayor? Yeah. I was supposed to do a show.

I was supposed to go out in L.A. I had it all set up. Well, you couldn't go because you were battling uh callers on sports 101 in philly to try to get that coveted sports yeah uh that's a great story i was supposed to do it when i was when i used to go out and do chelsea lately that's right you were big out there in chelsea but then i think it got moved and never happened. And while I was out there, I did the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. How was that?

It was fucking great. A great little room. It was great. You had a great week. It was fun. I rented a car. I used that Waze app that I tell you about, right, to get around L.A. Thing worked.

But here's my luck. First of all, I got off the plane, right? Yeah, after five and a half hours i go to la i go to you know what hurts rent the car at lax it's a fucking nightmare there's 35 people in front of me i'm not exaggerating there's six people working they have they have the windows numbered there's 60 something windows or 70 something there's six people working and every time one somebody would service somebody they'd. The guy doing the servicing would fucking walk behind and go somewhere and disappear.

At one point, there was one guy left, and there's still 30 of us in line, people just fucking fuming. You must be doing, you're doing a lot better financially. I never use Hertz. Those are always the ones that cost more. I'm always renting a car from like Midway Air.

I do that too. Yeah, I do that. I don't know why I went with Hertz, but I don't. Never do that too. Yeah. I don't know why I went with Hertz, but I don't. Never do that. Never. No, it was unbelievable. There was accents I had never heard of.

I was talking about it on Rogan. Did you rent a Corvette for the week? I rented a donkey. They brought me out a nice donkey and a bag of carrots. You're on your way. Where'd you put yourself up? Did you go high end? The Hilton in Woodland Hills, which was kind of central to all the things I was doing.

Yeah. But I didn't realize. I check. I go, how far am I from Rogan's? I check on my GPS on my phone. It says 0.8 miles. I walked the Rogan's podcast. Oh, nice.

That was great. And Corolla was great. Pulls in a Jaguar or something. He's always got these awesome muscle cars and shit. So most of the podcasts are in the Valley then? Those were, yeah. Fitz Simmons was on Wilshire. He's, you know, so, but yeah, I think Marin's in the Valley too,

but I didn't do that one. But yeah, it was really, and the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club was fun. I did that once a hundred years ago. Is it called like Top? It used to be called something else, I think. Oh, I don't know. No, this one, he says he's been there seven years.

Oh, there used to be a different one in Ventura. It was called Toppers. This one's right on the water. Yeah, this one was too. It was in like a harbor. Was it in like a kind of a strip mall thing upstairs? Do you remember? I think so.

It was a blast. Yeah, I loved it. People were great. Yeah. I mean just I did like an hour and six minutes All those towns that aren't LA Are so much better than LA

Those hour away ones Yeah Two hours away No I agree They're fun Santa Barbara You ever go there It's like fucking heaven

Went there every weekend When I lived in LA Me and my wife It's incredible I got tired of the comedy store I'd have like a 10pm Mitzi loved me Mitzi sure loved me I wouldn't even go It's incredible. I got tired of the comedy store. I'd have like a 10 p.m. Mitzi loved me.

Mitzi sure loved me. I wouldn't even go. After like me being out there for a year, I just... You'd blow it off? I'd blow it off. And then I'd come home. There'd be a message on the machine. You know, it's her. And I'm going, this is it.

She's going to go, you're finished. She's going, I'm giving you an 11.40 this week. You didn't show up last... Wow. I had fucking carte blanche, man. I don't know why. But yeah, Santa Barbara, man. That's all we did, me and the wife.

Took off to Santa Barbara. Ate seafood and got drunk every other weekend. Do you ever think now when you go out there for the podcast week, you probably don't. You don't ever go, maybe I should live out here. No. Never. Never hit you this is where i need to be what am i gonna fly out of there to do fucking uncle vinnie's for the acting work the acting work yeah do you have any interest in like i really don't you don't have that acting

bug i really don't you know why because i don't do it enough. And I respect the craft more. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got a, some lady texted me about some show called The Unforgettables. It used to be on CBS. Unforgettable, it's called. It was on CBS. Apparently, it is forgettable because everybody, now it's on A&E or whatever. Yeah.

But with like a lead role or whatever, you know. And I gave her my avails. But then I'm like, I don't do enough acting, you know. What if I get the script and it's two solid pages of dialogue? Seriously. Well, how much dialogue was in that Amy Schumer scene? Well, those are like funny lines, though, you know. Yeah, I know.

That last scene was as demanding as anything I'll probably do. No, it's a good point But I don't You asked me if I had the bug You know I don't But you don't get done Doing something like that And go

That was so fun I wish I did this more No because you don't do it more That's the point Everything's a one off It's not like they're gonna Offer me Like a regular series character

If they came with that And said we saw you In Amy Schumer And we're gonna Be a regular on the show And there's money involved Well you always talk to They came to you and said like i'm always thinking in my head if i was there and pursuing it it would happen i don't think maybe but no i don't i'm a

comedian right make them come to you that was my plan which didn't work apparently no it's not but like kennison you know people came to him, put on movies. Well, I get confused. I don't know. Am I a comedian or am I an actor? I really don't know. I might be better at the fucking acting. I think you're an author.

Author. Or am I an author? Author. You stink today. Yeah, I know. Excuse me. You just ignore when I'm doing that. You don't have to... I know, you get so mad when I do.

Well, I know. You're like a rookie. It's fucking hot in here, ain't it? It feels good. Let's inject a little humor. Hold on. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now, what should you yell if a woman falls overboard?

Full speed ahead. Now, there's a funny vague. Speaking of fags, did you see Caitlyn last night? No. Where was Caitlyn? I guess it was the premiere of her show. You know, Bruce Jenner slash Caitlyn. I saw it.

I think I probably saw some of it on iTunes. You saw the trailers or something? Yeah. I watched like three minutes and my wife was watching. I can't. I'm not interested. I'm just,

I don't know what to think. Because now to me, he's like a guy in drag. Yeah. He's like this big guy. He's playing tennis. He's got these skinny like. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His neck's huge. Yeah. He's still got a man's neck and voice. So it's like a guy in fucking drag. Yeah. I don't know what to think. I'm really, I'm more confused than he is but he's doing good you know he's helping kids you know transgender kids who commit suicide and i mean and that i can appreciate all that shit yeah but again like my wife didn't know bruce

jenner as an athlete and stuff my wife only she's like eight years younger than me right only you know knows him as as he the kardashian whatnot you know i mean so and i'm looking at him and i'm still freaking out like i'm like his mother she doesn't know his mother doesn't know what to still wants to call him bruce and shit so do i well his mom seems really uh she loves it almost she thinks it's great when i've seen her yeah well it would be funny if she came like he's a fucking asshole i'm gonna disown him that would be funny if she came like, he's a fucking asshole. I'm going to disown him. That would be great. I'm throwing his shit on the lawn. That would be my grandma.

I tore up his baby shoes. No, you have to. That's what I'm saying. You got to love. You know what I mean? You can't. I don't have a problem with any of that because it doesn't affect me. But I'm just saying, watching him play tennis and he still talks like that.

I hope he's going to get like hormone treatment for his voice and eventually get a snatch snapped on. Even his speech at the ESPYs, I felt exactly like what you're saying. It's just weird. You're like, it like throws you for a curveball. You're like, whoa, wait a second. He looks like a pretty woman. There's this man's voice, man's attitude. It's

very confusing. Your brain's going all different ways. Yeah, I don't know what to do with it. And he's really like, he's really like a likable. He has a great personality, either as Caitlyn or Bruce Jenner. He's a likable guy. Yeah, he is. But I'm just saying, man, it was like watching him play tennis and shit. And then he's looking at dresses, you know, with Kim Kardashian.

She's like, no, mom's going to wear that. And they both start giggling. I'm going, what the fuck? That's when I went up and got a scotch. I said, I can't take it. So what else do you want to talk about, Joey? You got a list there. You've done your list?

No, but go ahead. I don't want to do a three-hour show. Your kid will be standing at the bus stop with some guy in a trench coat behind him. This is a little inside baseball with comedy, but I'm trying to do a theater show in my hometown yeah and it's uh i'll be honest it's a little new to me doing theaters and knowing how much of a door deal you should make and i got it was so funny i got the weirdest don't you have an agent uh no for personal appearances no i don't it's impossible to get one of those, by the way. Why is that?

You're lucky that you have one. You were on TV. I'm not fucking lucky. I put in 28 years. It's very hard to get. Now it is? Yeah. You were on America's Got...

Nobody gives a shit. Minimal Talent? Nobody gives a shit. I have a guy doing it for me now. You're not going to make up a resume. I did. I'm actually... Fucking lie.

I have a guy doing it now for me. Say you wrote jokes for Ed Sullivan actually. Fucking lie. I have a guy doing it now for me. Say you wrote jokes for Ed Sullivan in the 50s. I have a guy who's booking me. Who's that? Who's that? Kevin Brennan? James Kantorowicz. Oh, James Kantorowicz.

He's very good. JK Entertainment. Oh, JK Entertainment. They handled Nipsey Russell, who died. Oh, JK and Nipsey. They handled Nipsey Russell, who died. So this is what was funny about the first shot at the door deal. But why do you want to do a theater in your hometown?

What would that prove, even if you sold it out? Okay, but then what does that prove? I make some money. It's like a salesman. When he becomes a salesman, a door-to-door salesman, they go to their family and they sell them a boxer. Well, do you want to go to the comedy club that's in your hometown and make $2,000 for a week, or do you want to go to the theater? I'll buy that.

All these comedians now, that's the way they're going. They rent theaters. If they have little small followings from their podcasts. A friend of mine, that's what he does. He has a pretty big podcast. And who would that be? Kyle Dunnigan. Do you know Kyle?

I know Dunnigan. You know Kyle. Dunnigan now, because of the podcast he used to do with Tig Notaro. I think she just left the podcast. But they have pretty good numbers. And good enough numbers that he goes to towns with 300 seat theaters, rents them, and then takes the door and makes more money than he would if he went to the comedy club. Okay. Sounds like a lot of fucking unnecessary work,

but okay. It's not that much work. Alright. He probably has the agent do it for him. Yeah. That's what you gotta do. Yeah. You can't be doing that. Have your wife do it. She's not busy enough. I got a guy. Oh, that's right. Taking the tower was father. Was it?

But what's like, what's a good percentage? I don a guy. Oh, that's right. Take Natarwa's father. I get that. Was it? But what is a good percentage? I don't know. Do you have any idea? I look Jewish to you. You have no idea. A good percentage. It all depends on how famous you are, how much it costs the theater to put on the show. I'm not paying a rental.

I'm getting the theater for free. You're getting the theater for free. You're getting the theater for free? You don't have to pay to rent it. Who's going to, how are you going to publicize all this? Didn't you, I'm sure you did a door deal when you were at Ridgefield.

You're not a flat fee guy. You don't come in at a number, right? No, on that one. You did a number? A guarantee verse the door. Oh, it's a verse. And then if you hit that, you go, all right.

And then a bonus is in there if you sell out? No. Okay. No. But yeah, you can do it anyway. There's no, you know. Again, that's why I have an agent. You're asking the wrong guy.

I know. All right. That was a bad one to ask him. Everybody, that was a bad one to ask Nick DiPaolo right there. No, I might have known. I understand why you thought maybe I know, but that's what agents are for. This will make you laugh because this is something you went through. Okay.

The guy who's editing my special. Yeah. It's been taking kind of long. Yeah. And I'm like, I texted him today. I'm like, are we close to being done? And he goes, dude, I have Lyme disease. And I know you had Lyme disease.

He sounded like he was going to die. I didn't have Lyme disease. I got bit by a tick. You didn't have Lyme disease? No. Oh, I thought you had Lyme disease. I got bit by a tick and detected it in time, or I would have had Lyme disease. Oh, so you can actually.

Yeah, they put you on antibiotics. And you can. Oh, so he must have taken too long. Yes. And he has Lyme disease. Yeah. Oh, so it's even worse. It's funny you say that, because I was watching Cur taken too long and has Lyme disease. Yeah. Oh, so it's even worse. It's funny you say that because I was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm last night.

Yeah. And that was one of the plots. Susie Essman had Lyme disease. You know, she said, I feel tired and achy and shit. And Larry goes, maybe you have Lyme disease, you know, and actually saves her life. And he doesn't thank her. She doesn't, I mean, she doesn't thank him later. And he gets pissed.

And he's like, what the hell? No fucking thank you. So he's got Lyme disease? Yeah. Does he live up here? Yeah, he lives in Westchester. He lives in like Dobbs Ferry or something. He's probably playing in the grass with his kids and shit.

He thinks he got it in Montauk, Long Island like a month ago when he was there. That's what they said on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Really? Yeah, that's where it started, you know. That's the first. Oh, is that right? Iiasm. Really? Yeah. That's where it started, you know. That's the first... Oh, is that right? I didn't know that.

The first Lyme disease happened there. And for some reason they call it Lyme diseases. I didn't know it was named after the town Lyme. I didn't know that. Oh, I thought it was, you know, a citrus thing. I thought it was Pope of Greenwich Village. I was rubbing lemon on... I got the fucking lime, Charlie.

That was good. Give us more. I love Eric Roberts in that movie. Do it again. I thought he was overacting horribly. He was, but something about it was entertaining. My thumbs, Jaloach! They took my thumbs!

Charlie, man. Chimes, Charlie. Fucking chimes. I gotta take a fucking leak. Remember that? They robbed the safe. They're driving down the FDR in a fucking van. He goes, I gotta take a fucking leak.

We just fucking robbed a fucking safe. You gotta take a leak. I gotta fucking take robbed a fucking safe. You gotta take a leak. I gotta fucking take a leak, Charlie. You're making fun of me. You're on the fucking FDR wearing... Driving with fucking... Whatever. What plates?

You can't drive on the FDR with a truck, right? That's correct. I bored you? No, it was good. You love Pope or Greenwich Village? Huh? I haven't seen it forever. I think you played some clip from it on your podcast.

No. The music from the Pope. I did. I played some. Cut your thumbs, you did. I remember hearing it. That's right. Holy shit.

I'm a listener. You don't have ADD. You're pretty sharp, actually. I'm on the meds. What else? I'm annoying you on the meds uh you're gonna laugh at this this is because i need to make side money i'm uh putting this out there to listeners i'm doing one-on-one stand-up classes via skype it was nice having you on my show joe 75 an hour

hit me up mattery67 at gmail.com if you're interested god what the wouldn't that be a great i would love it nick dipolo comedy school who are you and carrie louise gonna hook up nick dipolo comedy school yeah you're just fucking ripping on what do you got in your hand is that a suitcase full of props? Get out of my driveway, cocksucker. Hey, you got to do what you got to do. I'd rather sell drugs than teach comedy. I think there's more integrity in selling weed. I also hung at the cellar Friday night at like 3 a.m.

I hadn't done that in a hundred years. Where was the wife? No, she was home. I got home at like 3.30 in the morning. The next day she was like, what the fuck were you doing? I go, I don't know. I thought I needed to hang. I was hanging with Dave Attell

and fucking Aderman and Russ Meneve. There was a little sadness to it. Why sadness? It's like 3.30 in the morning and these guys, they're immature to the point where it's kind of funny. Like, Russ is hitting on women getting into cabs.

Can I go with you? He just yells, where are you going? That kind of makes me like him. Yeah, he's trying to be an asshole. Oh, my God. And Dave Attell is so fucking quick-witted. He's a night creature, too. It's ridiculous.

Well, it's like noontime for him, for Attell. But the speed of the shit he's saying, that's where I think maybe I'm an actor, not a comedian. Because you're able to hang at the cellar table. Dominate that fucking table. Dominate it. I can't fucking. Invented the table.

I can't. I hear how boring I am when I'm there. No, it's your meds, though. Your meds are meant to slow you down, right? I don't know. No, I never was fast. He's defaulting to the dumb game. I think I was better with comedians when I wasn't on the meds because there was a chance

I might want to punch someone in the face if they slammed me too hard. When you weren't on meds? Yeah, and I think that's more interesting to comedians. You really have low self-esteem. I do. You really do? Yeah. Well, I can't, I can't, like, I remember they were shitting on my hair one time

at the table at the cellar, how dry my hair was. Well, condition is very expensive today. Rich Voss, Robert Kelly, Keith Robinson were just fucking going, is very expensive that rich boss robert kelly keith robinson we're just going and they were destroying me and they wouldn't stop for like 45 minutes and it hit this part of the conversation i was like enough already like now i want to i want to knock somebody out oh jesus and i turned to somebody and i turned to somebody at the bar at the cellar, and I go, yeah, now we know why Tough Corral got canceled. And I whispered it, though. And the person at the bar goes, that was funny.

You should have said that. And I go, I don't have enough balls to say mean out loud. Was Colin at the table? No. He would have smacked you. He would have killed me if I said that. Because they were all being- Back in the day, he would have, according to this book.

He would have killed me? Oh, if he had booze in him, he would have fucking taken your head off. Crazy Quinn. of this book he would have killed me oh if he had booze at him he would have fucking taken your head off crazy quinn i have a friend that calls it calls something that colin quinn used to do when tough crowd was on he used to call it bow jangling who called it bow jangling i'm not gonna say i'll tell you all oh but he was talking about colin colin when tough crowd was on he said he used to bow jangle up and down the steps at the cellar waiting for people to fucking ask if they could get on the show. And he would just fucking pretend he didn't see him and walk away. Because that was back when comedians would walk right up.

Hey, how about getting me on your show? That's not Colin. That guy was reading him wrong. Yeah, he probably was. That's not Quinn. He isn't. Quinn doesn't have a pretentious bone on his body. That's why you love him, you know?

I don't think that. Yeah. You know? But what else, Joe? Get it off your chest. I'm also... Geez, I don't want to tell you all these sad things about me. What?

What now? Don't tell me you get cancer of the ass and eyes again. I thought we cured that with a fucking secret. I got nothing else, dude. All right. I'm going to start painting On the side Painting what? Houses?

Yeah I'm gonna start painting Houses? Yeah Seriously? I'm very good at it You need any rooms painted? Can I ask you a question? What are you gonna put in

What are you gonna put in 38 hour days? You're teaching comedy You're gonna be painting The building you're teaching comedy in? I only have two students Lined up for that That's like

That's two hours a week. You have two students lined up. And I have a friend who's a painter who's very excellent, and he said he could use me here and there. I can't take a full-time job on. I looked. I went on Craig. You're taking on like nine fucking part-time jobs.

I took. No, I'm not going to be able to do all of those. I'm going to see which one works, and then I'll stick with it. Dangerous situation. I went on Craigslist looking at jobs. I never felt so depressed in depressed in my life i was like i can't get any of these jobs the only thing i can get is the 12 an hour laborer that's it why what were the other jobs you've driven an ice cream truck haven't you i couldn't even i used to be a waiter when i was younger i couldn't even get that a waiter because i't. My experience is from

25 years ago. What you have is comedian syndrome because I feel the same way. I remember Artie used to say all the time we were going to go, dude, this is all I know how to do. Fucking bus balls make people laugh. But at least he's making 1.8 million dollars a year or

whatever he's making. I don't know whatever he's making. I'm fucking scared I can barely make my bills every month. Well, you need an agent. I have a manager. I tell them that. Get me a fucking agent. I can't get you an agent.

How can this douchebag... You look at who has one and you're like, why do I not? It makes no sense. It's changed. The landscape has changed, huh? Out there. How long have you had the same agent? I've been with Frosty probably six years. And then who was before that?

I always had an agent. You always had one. I've never made a phone call on my own behalf ever. Even from when I was an open mic or Barry Katz signed me after like six months. Right? So I was doing open mics and he signed me. And Barry had all the rooms in New England. Six months in.

You never even. Six to eight months. I never made it. You never had to make a call. And I wouldn't know how to. And I went to school for marketing. I can't sell myself. But.

See, back in the day, I was really good at it. What the fuck? You've done Letteman a couple times. You have a resume. I can't believe there's not a young agent out there that wouldn't. Maybe he's listening. Wouldn't want to get 10% of $600 a resume. I can't believe there's not a young agent out there that wouldn't. Maybe he's listening. Wouldn't want to get 10% of $600 a year. I tried.

It seemed like this one agency manages a lot of comedians at my level. Ford models? Here's a funny guy for you. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers For his wife I guess I'll have to spread my legs now She says Why he asks Don't you have a vase

I like the laugh That guy has afterwards Who is that He tells that joke in a mental institution And it's a cuckoo guy laughing And there's another guy in a wheelchair crying Because he's upset about the joke Play it again Sounds like Barney Rubbleoo guy laughing And there's another guy in a wheelchair crying Because he's upset about the joke Play it again

Sounds like Barney Rubble The guy laughing in the back Listen to this Listen Uncle Junior He's going to snap on the nurse Oh this is when he beats up the Language Language please He's gonna snap on the nurse. Oh, this is when he beats up the fucking mouse. Language.

What do you want? And if I don't, what the fuck are you gonna do to her? You don't intimidate me. You're lucky she's here, you little prick. Naturally. You're only tough when there's an authority figure nearby so things don't go too far. Oh, how the mighty have fought.

Corrado! Beats the fuck out of me. Oh, yeah. It's the funniest show in the history of television. I never saw that one. Perhaps you could move so I could reach the chest. What are you going to fucking do if I don't? Like he's 22 years old.

This old man beats the shit out of you. The good old days of New York. Speaking of that, I watched a great documentary this weekend. I read about it months ago in the Post. Which one? It's called The 7-5, about those crooked cops in the 75th Precinct. Back in the 70s and 80s when crack epidemic was going. Was that on TV?

Yeah. Yeah, what channel? Huh? It's on like... Like Netflix or Amazon or whatever. Oh, I thought I saw it. I paid for it, actually. But I remember reading about it months ago, or maybe even longer than months ago,

and then Joe List reminded me because he had just seen it. I'll play the trailer of it just to give you an idea what it's about. New York is in the grips of a crime wave. It was like the heyday of crack. It was violent, man. Homicides, robberies, rapes. It's like it is now. It was a war crack. It was violent, man. Homicides, robberies. It's like it is now. It was a war zone.

East New York, Brooklyn. Medians taking on painting jobs. Who did I burn to get put here? It would scare Clint Eastwood. When I first went to the precinct, I hear about this guy, Mike Dowd. I think he's just crazy. Michael Dowd was a crook who ended up wearing a cop's uniform. He was a criminal.

Once in a generation, corrupt cop. I consider myself both a cop and a gangster. Forget about Beverly Hills and all that other stuff. The ghetto is one of the richest neighborhoods there is. Maybe there's some way we can make money from this. La Compania. It's a very serious Dominican gang. $24,000 in our hands to talk. Mike was a brain. He said no problem.

In his business, if you mess up, you got killed. I'm a New York City cop. I'm taking a risk of going to jail for a long period of time, and you're gonna short me a dime? It's word against mine. And I'm a cop. I'd break your neck if your neck needed a break. I had three machines counting money,

and it's still not enough time. Everybody on the floor now! There's no becoming a cop again. You're going to have me killed. We knew we were up against a really tough crew. A month ago, I was a regular cop, and now I'm a criminal. That's what they taught us in the police academy. Got a guy in the front, a guy in the back, got an entry team.

You felt like you were God. The normal person that's doing wrong is going to have a fear of being caught. I never had a fear about getting busted. Michael Dowd did not have any fear. Because the cops around me would never give me up. You've got to watch that. It's unbelievable. So say the name of it again.

The 7-5. The 7-5. Yeah, east new york back in like late 70s 80s and this michael dowd you know he goes into the academy becomes a cop and he's just just he's like you know they tell you he said they tell you in the academy if you go by the book and everything you'll you'll fucking you know you'll end up dying just do what you got to do to survive out there. And he just took it to a home level, fucking started working with a Dominican drug. You got to watch.

It is fucking, real life is always better. It's all I watch now is documentaries. Oh, me too. There's so much better than the garbage. You don't want to see Ant-Man? No. I mean, just fascinating how some people see life. And this guy, Michael Dow, is crazy.

And he had a guy he talked into working with him, another cop. It is frigging fascinating. I'll check it out. Yeah, you'll fucking love it, dude. I saw the Amy Winehouse documentary. Oh, how was it? We talked about it. I was on Opie and Jimmy.

It was really good. The director was in there and the guy who, her old manager was in there. Oh, really? Yeah. Was it good? Sad shit, but yeah, really good and well done. And I didn't know she was bulimic, which. Oh, she was?

I didn't even realize that. And it's pretty obvious when you're watching the documentary. She like weighed like fucking nothing towards the end. Well, drugs might do that. Yeah. So she was bulimic on top of being a drug addict On top of it Her dad was kind of a fucking idiot

He's in a lot of the movie They go away on Some trip to like St. Croix or something And she's looking forward To just getting away And her fucking dad Has a camera crew there

Like filming some reality show And doesn't even tell her about it And just shows off Oh that's right They were talking about that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what an asshole.

Kind of exploitive, no? Yeah. Yeah. She was an amazing talent, though. Why don't you call her manager? You need any clients? I don't shoot heroin. I'm good.

He calls you back. I got a gig for you in Detroit. I'll get you $5,500 for six shows. You're like, I got to paint a garage on fucking Friday. I can't go. I can't do it. I got to gig for you in Detroit. I'll get you $5,500 for six shows. You're like, I got to paint a garage on fucking Friday. I can't go. I can't do it. I got to paint a garage. Oh, God.

That's so pathetic. My brother just gave me so much shit. One of the jobs I did think I can do, it sounded interesting to me, learning how to install all these high-end audio systems in houses and video systems and all this high-end shit. It was like learning how to do that. And they said, if we really like you, we'll train you how to do it because we need somebody who can work with people

and work with the customers and you'll have a crew. And my brother goes, yeah, and you'll make $12 an hour. He goes, you're going to really go fucking do that? I was like, I don't know. I'm at the point in my life, I'm like, I don't know. It'd be kind of fun to learn something completely different. This dirty cop worked with guys who installed sound systems in cars. Really?

Yeah, there was a Dominican guy who was the front for his drug business, installing audio sound systems. Yeah, that used to be big when I was younger. That's right. You don't hear that anymore. And that's how they knew who the drug dealer is because they would see cars with like fucking literally 60 speakers in the back it's you you gotta watch it man you're gonna fucking die well i'm sorry to hear that joe i don't know i don't know what to tell you man i'm i'm uh you're

like i'm doing well i don't know no i'm i'm you know i'm treading water yeah but uh you gotta get an a there's no reason've got to get an agent. There's no reason you shouldn't have an agent. You're a good comic, man. I know. You know? Well. You've got to look for a young, hungry kid out there.

That's who I have. My guy. What's his name again? James Canterwitz. He's your manager. No, he's my agent. You do have an agent. Yeah.

But he's not a personal parent's agent? That's all he's doing. And he has no one else. I thought you said you don't have a PA guy. I made him my PA guy. Oh, I see. How's he doing for you? He hasn't got a gig yet, but he has a lot of leads. That's how hard it is, man. He had to put a feeler out to like

200 people. Nipsey Russell. He's got some gigs lined up. Looks like Gotham's going to book me the Borgata. I haven't done the Borgata in Borgata I haven't done the Borgata in a while I haven't done the Borgata in maybe 18 years And I did pretty good numbers when I did it 18 years Actually me and Florentine did it

Did you? Yeah together Robin Quivers was there in the audience Just one night? Yeah It was nice It was a nice score See

It's a nice situation I just did the Mohegan Sun And fucking the Poconos That was an odd one There's a Mohegan Sun in fucking the Poconos. That was an odd one. There's a Mohegan Sun in the Poconos? I didn't even know it was out there. What are you talking about? It's been there for like two years.

Who found you that one? There's a comedy club in it. It doesn't pay well. But you're in the Mohegan Sun. I didn't know there was a Mohegan Sun in the Poconos. Yeah, I didn't either. It's an angry situation. What a fucking bunch of losers.

Say it like Tom. What a fucking bunch of losers. Say it like Tom. What a fucking bunch of losers. I'm in the fucking buffet. I feel like a fucking male model. I'm fucking 270. These people are fucking 500, fucking 600. Fucking lining up for the fucking mac and cheese.

Like, hey, why don't you go to the fucking vegetable section? What the fuck? I get there, all the roast pork is gone, though. I paid two dimes to get in here, T. Excuse me. Excuse me. I love that.

That is so great. They gave us free tickets to go into the buffet. Oh, God. You're making, you're breaking my heart. I got to help you somehow. At least it wasn't the employee. I'm going to get you some work. Okay.

My brother needs a house that needs to be painted. Duzzy, I'll do it. And some wiring. You know how to do cable? I don't do wiring. I'm really good at cutting the fucking trim. It's tough out there, I know. I know.

It is. Shit's drying up out there. I know. I know. It is. Shit's drying up out there. I don't know where it's headed. Podcast out of the fucking basement. We got to get the radio. Wrap my wife in tinfoil and put her on the fucking roof. Yeah, my brother gave me shit when I, because he used to do construction, and I sent him the ad of the $12 an hour installing sound systems.

And he goes, dude, you're a 25-year comedic veteran. You've been on a million TV shows. Just fucking go get gigs. He goes, just figure out how to be a draw. That is, all of us are trying to do that. Figure out how to be a draw. Tell a lot of hacky jokes for 20 years, you'll pack the jernt. Don't have any comedic integrity.

How the fuck do you just figure out how to be a draw i don't know give aziz anzari a call he's playing like uh you know fucking detroit stadium tonight he probably is motherfucker so got anything you want to plug before we wrap it up uh well i i am serious about the comedy things if they want to do the one-on-one, 75 an hour. I think that's my move. Mattarese67 at gmail.com. Email me. And also, seriously, come out this weekend to New Haven, Connecticut. I'm doing the straight door deal at Joker's Wild.

The 31st is July 31st and August 1st. Just go to joemattarese.com and you can buy the tickets right there. August 1st. Just go to JoeMatterEast.com and you can buy the tickets right there. And I'll be at the Music Fest in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, August 21st. And then Laugh Boston, September 17th through the 19th. And then Governors in Long Island, September 25th through the 26th. The Gramercy Theater, New York City, October 17th. Go to nickdip.com and get another senseless killing.

It's in and out of the charts, man, so it's still doing well. And if you use the radio code NICKORRADIO, you'll get three bucks off. And I guess that's about it, Joey. Oh, yeah, I got one more plug. Go ahead. since we're doing a combo podcast i gotta act or unless i edit something on giving my plugs but i always have a donation to the podcast if you felt really bad for me today do i get to split the donation on this one no fuck you oh you dirty bastard well doing well what are you kidding me my wife's rolling her on tampons was so broke. I give them free merch. Do you have any merch that we can give them?

I have no merch. I used to sell Nick DiPaolo helmets. I give downloads to my podcast. You have downloads probably. Yeah. To some of your old albums. I mean, not my podcast. Downloads to my two CDs.

This new meds. It's not working. It's not. I need to triple the fucking milligrams. I'm on the lowest dose. Help the guy out. Make a donation to Joe. Yeah, joematterice.com.

You make a $20 donation. You get two CDs and a pair of earbuds from Tweaked Audio. Or you can put 50 cents in a cup. It'll be on the corner on 48th and Broadway tonight, 1130 with David Tell. I got to stop sounding so pathetic. I guess that's it, ladies and gentlemen. Good to talk to you again.

And thanks again for the Ventura Comedy Club, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, the people that came out there in Richfield, Connecticut. You are the balls. And thank you, Joe Rogan, Adam Carolla, and Greg Fitzsimmons, and Dom Arera for having me on the show. And go see Colin Quinn's play.

What's it called? New York Story. I think so. The Cherry Lane Theater. Is that what it's called? My New it called? New York Story. I think so. The Cherry Lane Theater. Is that what it's called? My New York? Something New York. Oh, God.

We had it earlier. I think it's called New York Story. Look it up. Okay, New York Story. I think that's right. All right, kids. That's about it. Talk to you soon.

See you. See you. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town cause I'm not like everybody else

no no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else well I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else guitar solo Bye.