The Nick DiPaolo Show - 095 - My Friend Zuk

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

My Friend Zuk

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how are you? Yeah, it's Monday again. You're welcome for the bonus show, by the way. I, uh, no, that was, uh, I gave it two shows last week because like I said, we had our best month download wise and, uh, you kids have been very faithful to me. Very nice. It's a beautiful thing. Still haven't made a dime doing this, and I don't know what all the excitement's about.

But I have a cocaine connection through Pittsburgh with Henry Hill that I'm hoping he handed in his will to me. And I'm going to make it flourish. I'm going to get as many young kids hooked on fucking the crazy white junk. Anyways, hey, you know who i get with me today my buddy uh this is a guy i grew up with um he was best friends with my brother-in-law who married my sister darlene and uh you see his name in one of my specials at the end i thank a guy named bob murphy that's that's not him but there there's another guy named Greg Zook who I thank because this guy's really the reason I get into comedy.

He came to my house with what is now my brother-in-law, David. I was back in like seventh grade maybe, and I thought he was the funniest fuck. He may be not now, but he was then. And now I'm busting balls. Exactly. But it's retired it's a retired cop greg zook oh thanks thanks for having me here in your beautiful studio you said sarcastic it's awesome no really actually

i'm impressed um but uh yeah so real quickly and we're not gonna go real quickly mike dowd i had him in here we're not we're not gonna do this do a cop thing because he's not here to defend. But you know, whatever he did, the guy, you know, he took another direction. I took the right direction. I got a pension. I didn't do time. Good for him. God bless him.

I hope his kids live to be a thousand. So it was grandchildren's. But just a fucking rat. But other than that, he's a nice guy. No, no, it's just one a different way. But that's it. That's all I have to say. I know i i want to turn this into a whole fucking thing either but uh i i remember you uh this is my first memory of you coming to my house again i'm probably in sixth grade maybe maybe you were in sixth grade and i was probably like 10th sophomore I was probably a sophomore in high school. Well, we're playing hockey downstairs in our basement, me and my brother and some other kid.

And Zook comes down, my brother, and he jumps right into the game. First of all, we're playing with street hockey sticks in a finished basement downstairs, except for the floor wasn't finished. Yeah. And you're like, I don't know, what, 5'7", and I'm 6'2", and I probably weighed 190 back then. I made some stupid joke, though. I was like in sixth grade, and I go, yeah. I don't know. You were complaining because you hadn't scored.

And there was a kid, Mike Little, who was like a great street hockey player. And I go, yeah, well, that ain't exactly Fred McMurray checking you, which makes no fucking sense. But you laugh for fucking 10 minutes. And I go, oh, this guy thinks I'm funny. And then we bonded over the three stooges for the next 10 years. And Zook scores a goal again in our finished basement. And he raises a stick through the finished ceiling, the drop ceiling my father put up. And that was one of the many fucking things you broke

But the funny thing is About like scrolling around your basement When we were kids Is your old man Like being a detective Leaving and saying None of that street hockey shit When I'm gone

Right And he'd like leave He went across the street To my Uncle Ernie's house Yeah he'd leave and hide for like 10 minutes We'd be looking around Next thing you know We'd break out the pads

No he came downstairs And said put the shit away You've already broken A lamp and all that shit And we go okay You know my brother's friend Mike We put the shit away

And he goes I don't want to fucking You know And we waited about ten minutes And then we look up And like the You know You got the windows

They were almost underground I see his face in there Like Well yeah But he went away for about a half hour. So we broke out the shit again. Exactly. We broke out the pads. My brother had fucking pillows duct taped to his legs for pads.

We're using like a golf ball that can put your eye out. And we sawed off some of the hockey sticks. Yeah, we have real hockey sticks. I see. And so, yeah, we put all the shit away. The old man leaves. And, like, fucking next thing you know, he comes. We hear the door open upstairs.

We can hear his feet. He comes downstairs and goes fucking crazy. Oh, he goes berserk. And cracks me. Gives me a nice cuff to my ears still ringing. A cuff to the side of the head. But the funny thing is. And you just stood there with your stick.

I'm standing there with my stick in my hand. And you might as well have been your dick. Exactly. But the funny thing is, I'm almost an adult. You're just a kid. He must have been looking at me like, what a shithead I am. I still wonder why he even let me in your house after that. And one of my brother's friends was known for his body odor.

He never, he wasn't big on deodorant. And my father goes, it smells like a fucking homeless guy's sock. And someone cracks me in the head with a nice fucking slap. That was Big Nick, though. Big Nick, I think I might have mentioned this in some of my first podcasts. My old man,

you know, he was a little bit strict. And remember my sister, darling? Tell my fans about the party she would have at our house on the weekends. Remember? My parents went out every weekend,

every Saturday night. And like like your father knowing that like like every boy in town knowing that your father was insane we'd be at the party like you know waiting hoping he never came home to kill us well he was known as big nick yeah he was known as big nick because and i told this story i i know i told it here on one of the podcasts. My sister was dating this kid with blonde hair. This is my youngest sister, Donna. This kid, Brian, had blonde hair down the middle. He was like Axl Rose before Axl Rose was Axl Rose.

And my sister, everybody wanted her. She was gorgeous. My sister, Donna, no one could understand why she was with the bad boy. Anyways, we're at a football game, a high school football game. And, again, I'm not even, I'm probably maybe in junior high at this point. I can't even remember. But this kid's at the football game and gives my father the finger. Yeah. And my father, remember he chased him outside the stadium.

Now, everybody in the bleachers are looking outside the stadium as my father chases his fucking kid with long hair. Exactly. And he catches him by the back of the fucking back of a 100-yard run and slaps the kid across the... Yeah, and nothing happened. Nothing happened. Everybody cheered, I think. People were clapping for him. They stopped watching the game.

He said, fuck you to my phone. But the party, Darlene's parties were notorious. She'd have half the high school there. This is my older sister. And who's the kid that fell and broke his ribs in my driveway? Remember he passed out? Yeah, no. And on that same kid that fell and broke his ribs in my driveway? Remember he passed out? Yeah, no. And on that same night, I'm riding home.

Who was it? I can't even remember who it was. Not Kidger. No. It was a big kid. Handsome guy that you went to school with. What do you got? Fucking epilepsy in the brain?

It's all right, though. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't even know your address. What was the guy's name? I can't even think of it. Handsome guy. He was in your grade, you dummy. No.

Not Scott Kidger. No. Roger Swanson, probably. Not Roger Swanson. I don't fucking know. I'm going to get my brother in on the line. I remember looking out, though, and David and another guy got him by his feet. He's unconscious. Yeah.

And he ended up breaking his ribs. Nobody called. Nobody called. Plus, he was alcohol poisoning. That same night I'm riding home on my bike. Yeah.

That like down this big hill to David's house. I'm spinning around and you know how the wheel stop. I catch the back of my leg.

I open up a gash in the back of my leg. I'm not shitting you to the bone. And now you know my old man is nutty as your father was. Yeah.

Greg's old man was a the head of the state police. My uncle was, but he was a captain. What was your dad, a captain? Yeah, my father was a captain. He shook my hand. I remember you introduced me to your dad. He literally, I almost started crying.

I was in like sixth grade. He crushed my hand to a point. He had hands like fucking I am Kate. Patrol were wicked sly to talk. David couldn't even hit it Yeah so good Tell me So anyway

It's funny how The nuttier your father is Yeah So I'm like drunk off my ass Literally I look back I can see like the bones and shit Like when I move my leg

I can literally see Like the motion of Yeah And shit Yeah He don't say a word He gives me a towel Like wraps it up, puts me in the car. Literally, we never speak about it again.

We never speak about it again. He didn't say a word. They went in, they stitched me up, stuffed the thing full of that yellow stuff. Went in the car, went to bed, woke up about 2 o'clock next afternoon. Come downstairs, he looks at me. Oh, the old man?

Yeah, he just looks at me Oh the old man Yeah he just like Looks at me like You know Like if that happens again I'll kill you And never spoke about it again Yeah the old man Your old man used to

Scare the shit out of me But see that That was the good old days See when You could get a Crack You could smack a You could smack your daughter's boyfriend

Get away with it Yeah exactly When you get a good crack And that was the end of it You didn't have to You know go to counseling and all that good stuff. I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Yeah, that's what he said, actually, about Dave, because he brought me to the party. But here's another fond memory I have of you that cracked me up.

So Zook comes over. Now, my parents have a bunch of people there. We're watching the Olympics on a Sunday afternoon. Zook comes down. What were you weighing at that point, Zook? I don't know. Probably. Take a guess, shithead.

This isn't fucking Wheel of Fortune. Jesus Christ. Was I big? Yeah, you were obese. Probably like 325, 350, right around there. Right around. Yeah, at least. So just picture the 350-pound guy.

By the way, he's 5'6". No. No, he's actually like six, too. But but you're sitting there. My parents introduced you to the Marindolas and then to everybody else is like three other couples. OK, this is 30 seconds after you introduce everybody. We're sitting and watching the Olympics and somebody's on the high dive board, you know, with a speedo on. And you go, my ain't those fucking scant.

Mr. Tracy, God bless him, the late Jack Tracy, who passed away last year. I remember him fucking turning purple. And Mr. Marindola going, who is this fucking guy? And then you had about 40 other cracks that, you know, were just. Me and Zook, we bonded over the Three Stooges, early Dennis Miller. Early Dennis Miller. What else? Hockey.

National Geographic. That was big. What are you talking about, National Geographic? Well, you know, they had some funny stuff on there. I'm not going to get into that. Oh, you mean the magazine. No, I mean the show. I'm not going to get into it.

There was no show back then, stupid. Oh, there was. No, there wasn't. No, there wasn't. Dope. It's the magazines. I know what you're driving at. Not, not.

Show cryptic. Not, not. That, not. I actually agree. Wild Kingdom. Wild Kingdom. Remember Wild Kingdom? Yes.

With fucking. Mutual of Omaha. We used to always go out. The guy would always have his buddy. He was like. What was the guy's name? Norm My brother's name Was like his stick man

No What was the guy Who was the host every week? I can't even think This is like you're listening to a fucking This is geriatrics week Yeah Marlon Perkins

Marlon Perkins Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom And he had like a Like a boy Friday or a man Friday. His name was Norm. And remember how he'd say, I'll stay in the van while Norm sees if the lion's still chewing on the carcass. And he'd have to go within two inches of it.

He was always like the front man. That's true. You did have about 20 minutes on that. I used to think the poor guy. Marlon never put him Away You know In harm's way Yeah

It was funny 40 50 years ago Yeah keep bringing up shit That 22 year olds Won't listen Hold on Let me fucking

I gotta face that fan Towards me It's 112 Celsius In this motherfucker You might feel this. I hate the fucking summer, by the way. Did I mention? I've had it.

I mean, I piss and moan, but, you know, it's enough. It's 400% humidity. It's like fucking Nam here. By the way, folks, I updated my pond. It looks terrific. Oh, you're kidding me. I threw a few things in there, and next, you know, a couple hundred fish came to the surface, sucking up air, and two dead turtles.

No, I threw in this natural shit. Oh, that's unbelievable. We had the Guatemalans pull all the shit out with that giant rake that I sent away for, and then we threw the... I got this stuff, this stuff that's eco-friendly, and you know what? It worked. I did it for a month. You could fucking drink out of it now.

Very eco-friendly. Nessie's in the fucking pond. Nessie that's a lockneck monster greg what do you get a hair lick you're choking up on a podcast for christ's sake you did you did radio yourself you stuttering prick you what was it great you had a cop net show i had a show a radio show that was actually on radio yeah look it up copnet.com the shows are still up there we were on the air for 11 years now you could talk a little on twitter i don't know i'm checking your okay levels here we weren't we were on the show for we were on the air for 11 years we syndicated in 158 different markets and actually we're talking about really back yeah 150 different markets and yeah we were on wnbc How come you're in a bathing suit from the 80s now and a fucking shitty T-shirt?

Well, you're syndicated. No, we actually were on WNBC from 1 a.m. WNBC? WNBC, the biggest a.m. channel in the world. Okay. From 12 o'clock at night on Saturdays to 1 o'clock Sunday mornings. And that's where we drew every dime that we made off the show. Me and Greg are known for our negative energies.

We get together. We create a black hole. We had a Tony Robbins concert. And a fucking ceiling would cave in. Yeah, Tony Robbins would have a stroke if we went to one of his. We went to a camp. My parents used to rent this camp up in Maine. And we had a notorious 24 hours.

We weren't even there 24 hours. Greg clogged the toilet. My father was fucking going, we got lost with a boat. My father goes, you got to tell the story. Yeah, my old man goes, we went with him. It was around the other side of the lake to put the boat in, you know, ramp down. And then so he took the boat on the water across to the lake and he said you guys bring back the car on the trailer again we've been in this we've been in the state of maine for 30 seconds not really

our fault it was like 19 we really didn't pay attention no you know a couple of us were high uh well so drunk off my ass i know you were and And me too. So my old man goes, yeah, bring the trailer back to the camp. And cut to two and a half hours later, they think we've been eaten by beers. We're in the fucking woods going down dead end roads. And we would have to take the trailer off manually. And fucking, because you couldn't, we couldn't back it out. We couldn't turn it around. We literally have to pull the trailer off Reset the car And put the

We did that like ten times I know It was really embarrassing And then we heard Thurman Munson died No that was That was a year later I don't know

That was earlier actually Yeah But So So we had been there About an hour Greg had clogged the toilet We get lost

With the With the fucking trailer And then we're standing outside Oh my old man Wanted to go water skiing Jesus And believe it or not We get lost with the fucking trailer. And then we're standing outside. Oh, my old man wanted to go water skiing. Jesus. And believe it or not, he trusts me and Greg. I'm driving the boat or vice versa.

You were driving the boat. Greg's driving the boat. You know, I'm in charge of the fucking, the tow rope. My old man wipes out, you know, because I get him going like 58 miles an hour on skis. Guy's like a 48-year-old man. You were kicking the throttle forward. I did. I had both hands.

I was leaning on it with my weight. I'm trying to fight him off. And so my old man wipes out. And you know how, if you guys are familiar with water skiing, you bring your circle, the boat around, so you got to bring the tow rope close to the guy who's in the fucking one. I'm not. And Zook's got about eight beers in him, and fucking was trying to bring the rope to my old man and you back it up. Literally.

I don't know why we would be backing up. We couldn't get it close. Anyways, my old man's got the rope in his hand, the handle. It's nice and taut. All of a sudden, bing! I see the thing fucking... Bing! Greg backed over it. The propeller cut the rope. Of course.

My old man's yelling. You can hear it echoing through the lake. You fucking assholes. What's the matter with you? Souls, souls, souls. You fucking assholes. And remember he looks to his right and there's a snake. Remember there's a snake.

He goes, come get me. Literally. And then after that, I come to turn around. I almost beached the fucking boat into the people's camp next to him. He wouldn't talk to me for like two days. Well, then, no. But then the next morning, bad weather comes in. You and I are outside down by the dock.

And my old man spent some good dough on like two beautiful rafts, like two-man rafts. And he goes, bring those up here. He thought they weren't tied down. He goes, bring them up into the fucking house. We popped both of them. We drag them up over rocks like fucking more. That was a total of, yeah,

I'd say 36 hours we did that. The old man wouldn't even talk to me. And then I accelerated as we got older, too. Every time we get together. Well, yeah. Beginning here. Yeah. I came here via New Jersey from.

Oh, yeah. Greg. Greg was up in Massachusetts. Yeah. You're up here. Ten minutes from your house. Yeah. He's in he's in my hometown.

They know where I'm from. He's from my hometown. He's up there. I'm talking about this week. Last Tuesday. He says this is around nine o'clock he says i'm really i'm leaving around 9 15 from danvers and he goes uh thing says i'll be there at like 12 30 yeah okay sure enough it's now quarter or two no fucking word of him i'm looking at my wife this mama luke then he then texts me going, I should be there by, you know, in a half hour.

That was at 2.15. Now it's 10 of 4. He's still not here. What the fuck happened? Well, like I said to you, Nick, my brother gave me a Magellan, but I didn't know it was. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating like me? He was was What happened

I go to Nick My brother gave me A Magellan Which he actually did A Magellan folks A Magellan A Magellan That's what

From 2009 That's a GPS It's a GPS Like from literally 2009 And I go to Nick And apparently It belongs to Magellan And he told me

To go fuck myself 2009 I thought I was older than that It was like 2009 Fucking that might as well be 1910 in comparison Technology wise Yeah good point

But he blames it On the Magellan folks I Well I Literally came through Yonkers To come here I was in downtown

It sent them past. It sent them. I live in northern Westchester. I don't want to fucking give away where I live exactly. But he should have come in like on 84 to 684 in that area. Some reason he's on 95 to the Bruckner. It took him all the way around.

But this is what bugs me. I said, did you come in on 84? You go, yeah. And then 10 minutes minutes later you go, no, it was 95 He doesn't even know This guy was a cop He doesn't even fucking know where he was I wasn't responsible Bonnie Fife?

I wasn't responsible for directions I set things up Somebody drove me Long story short Long story short, he should have been here at 1230 You know At night He gets here at about30, you know, at night. He gets here at about quarter before 10 or 4.

And does it surprise you, even a little bit, actually? Seriously. Well, yeah. That one did. Yeah. But, yeah. So that was Tuesday. He's still here.

I don't know how to get him out of the fucking house. Call in at 1-800. Like I said to Nick, I was going to leave after three days because you know what they say about company. What? After three days, it stinks. And after seven days, you've got to throw it out. It's just like fish. It's like pussy, you mean.

Oh, it's like. What? What? Help me. Help me. Help. I just know. What? I got to tell the...

Go ahead. I retired recently, right? From what? From the Miami Police Department. From Miami Police Department. I've been a lawyer. He was a detective, a sergeant detective. I got a law degree.

And I know you're going to say on Twitter, why don't you talk? We're not going to do the whole. We already... It just happens that I was a lawyer. He was a detective, a sergeant detective. I got a law degree. And I know you're going to say on Twitter, why don't you talk? We're not going to do the whole. It just happens that I was a cop, and I went and got a law degree. Now you get a law degree. How many times did you pass the bar? Four. I took the bar four times. As a matter of fact, there's a sandwich near there.

Didn't you get lost a couple times? Yeah, a couple times. You couldn't find the? The first two times I got lost on the way to Tampa. I actually used to go up to the food thing in between sessions, and they go to the regular. It was a roast beef sandwich and a Diet Coke. I'm not shitting you.

There's a street name after me in front of the Tampa Convention Center. There is? Really? Yeah. What's it called? Shithead Avenue? No, it's called Stupid Cop. I should have fucking kept watching Everybody Loves Raymond

instead of going to law school. Boulevard. But you're doing a lot of pro bono work on that Yeah, that's all You know I love doing that stuff Do you? Yeah

What are you, a bleeding hot layer? Get out of my house Yeah I like doing that stuff because As the generations get younger They have less understanding of people Literally A kid just came coming back from Iraq Who got into Mouthy with a cop And as the generation gets younger, they're less understanding of people. Literally, a kid just came coming back from Iraq who got into Mouthy with a cop, and the cop actually arrested him.

And I defended him for free. And then they want him to drop the charges. I go off on the judge, and the judge actually says, well, there's going to be no court costs and fines. That's what I can do. The judge was pissed. She was actually pissed because they weren't doing nothing. She was pissed at who? At the prosecutor. I'm like, you can't cut this kid a break.

Let him go. He just got back from Iraq. So the judge was siding with you? Oh, yeah. She took my side because you're actually not supposed to do it. You're not supposed to directly address the court. Female judge? Yeah.

Black female judge? 63 years old. Are you sure you didn't drain this up in a Law & Order episode? Yeah, no. It might have been a CSI Miami I was an extra in. I'm not sure. There are no white male judges anymore. No, it was a black female judge.

No, there is one. That's what I just said. There are no more white male judges. There's two. There's two? Yeah. No, there's a few. Well, you know, the demographics in Miami are conducive to the ethnic.

So did you win that? My dear. I know I didn't the only thing that you didn't get court costs on a fine other than that He screwed he was gonna be in the military eight years and I gonna throw him out And that's kids and I told you a little Shithead kids 22 years old right that right out 24 right out. How old was the cop? The kid the cop the kid the cop how old was the cop like his age you would think they'd bond right like they were like late 20s 28 that's what you mean when you say they don't have any they don't have they don't have respect

for each other all right i mean can you imagine maybe he's jealous because imagine being like this kid's going over to afghanistan you're doing your part here right you're keeping america safe and then you get into shit with you can't no it's petty no you're right it's generational i mean we get petty and but i mean at the end you might think you say that was what you know i was fucking stupid i'm gonna leave it alone but you know i did stupid shit when i was a kid anyway who don't who the hell knows did you yeah no give us an example okay no no it was this Vietnamese No no no That used to clean my pool And No I'm still trying to think

Of the guy that passed out Not that it matters It's killing me too Yeah It's making me Because there was always Like controlled mayhem At your house

Yeah And somebody would always Be near death And come home Well not always near death But yes There were a lot of people Choking on their own puke

And stuff But the thing of it was though We could drink our senior year, which was a great idea. Oh, the age thing? Yeah, it was 18. Well, I remember those parties. Me and my brother would be in our bedroom, like watching the Bruins and the Canadians or whatever, and somebody eventually would find a way in and give me and my brother like a 16-ounce beer.

Not me, though. Anyway, actually, believe it or not yeah our senior year that everybody could drink and that's where it really stepped up and and the following year what was it just passed that law it passed in 70 it passed in july of of 70 nice lucky 75 and it was in 77 they pulled the law but you were still grandfathered in so i was a bouncer you had me like a string theory mathematician to figure out who could drink and who couldn't yeah because there was a gap between now being 21 yeah the manager would have to put a sign up because we were too stupid to figure out who could drink and who couldn't what happened uh i'm eating dinner one night again i think i'm in high school at this

point and uh i'm at the table i'll never forget this you look in the you look in the front door of my uh my parents house that you look in the window and your face i didn't recognize you one side of your face was caved in oh my god you're gonna fight with somebody mcdonald's i was mcdonald's m I remember McDonald's feeling my senior year. You know how I hit the gym, I get down to like 190. Yeah, from 350. From like 310. I'm feeling all quick and shit.

And we start getting lip from guys that are like in their 30s. You what? Start getting lip from guys that are like 30-year-old guys. I'm like 18. You know, going back, fuck you, fuck you, you this is a mcdonald's and beverly beverly mass so i take a milkshake and bounce it off throw it out the guy i drill him i hit him right in the side of the head and then i go up well how did it start just back and forth words like we were too close to that car something stupid yeah yeah when he starts mouthing and i I'm like, oh, fuck your mother.

And the next thing I know, I have a full milkshake. And I drill him. I hit him on the side of the head. These are like grown men to me, right? Drill him in the head. So they're like in their 30s, and you're like 18. Yeah. And I'm 18, you know, feeling my oats.

Yeah, I was like. But I give him a diversion, and he like, it throws him off. I hit him with an And he like It throws him off I hit him With an asshole shot From the moon Puts him out I'm standing around Next guy comes up

He swings at me I hit him with a shot Then somebody Then the next thing I know I'm laying on the ground And this Kid went to high school With his father's like

Waking you up Slapping me in the face Hey wake up Hey wake up there champ He's saying This is a cop now They've just seen the whole thing. Apparently,

some guy that was like 6'6", came from behind and like hooked one and hit me in the side of the face so hard. They must have fucking done some number to you when you were down, too.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. They put the boots to me, too. Yeah, I'd never seen... I almost spit my food out when you looked in the window of a... First of all,

I go, who the fuck's that? But it was right down the middle It was like Phantom of the Opera You know they blacken out One side of his face Literally The side of my face Was four times

The eye Everything It was like You could hardly see your nose Because your face was so swollen And your mouth was all droopy Like Stallone Yeah

Jackie Stallone But that night, this just shows how different things were then. I think, wait a minute, I think we have audio of it. The fight, yeah. Now, I'll start by making a mountain fold on each corner.

Folding the corners into the center of the paper. Touche, Captain Blood. Touché, Captain Blood. This is how it started. Exactly. Greg, language, please. What do you want? If you'd move, perhaps I could reach the chess set.

And if I don't, what the fuck are you going to do to it? You don't intimidate me. Here comes the milkshake. You're lucky she's here, you little prick. Isn't that what you said to the kid? Naturally. You're only tough when there's an authority figure nearby, so things don't go too far.

Here comes the milkshake. Oh, how the mighty have fought. Here, the milkshake. Hear the milkshake? Bill Sipko's dad came in with his nightclub. And then you had it to my house. What'd you film that on? I'd never seen it, but your face was like 11 different colors. Not just black and blue.

It was green, yellow. And it was like that for a couple weeks. Let me tell you what. I have been hit hard in my life numerous times. Right. And there's one thing. I actually boxed in 1997. I'm not kidding you. And I had this whole time.

You can look it up. You guys from New Jersey out there, look up Allie Ridgway in the Hall of Fame. Trained me. Allie Ridgway? Allie Ridgway fought kids. And what Hall of Fame for what? He's in the... For boxing.

Bad boxing training? No. He was a super, like, welterweight. He weighed like 126 pounds. Fought Kid Chocolate, who's a famous fighter. Kid Chocolate? He's a rapper, isn't he? Kid Chocolate.

Kid Chocolate? I'm serious. What are you saying? Chocolat? Kid Chocolat? That's when that movie came out. We made a joke about it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Kid Chocolat? That's when that movie came out. We made a joke about it.

Excuse me. Kid Chocolat? You folks that are listening. Seriously, what was he known as? No, he was the heavy, the welterweight. What was his nickname? Kid Chocolat? No, that was, yeah, Kid Chocolat chocolate that was his last name no yeah it's who he fought he was the the super welterweight heavyweight champion in the world he went like 18

rounds with him with four ounce gloves really those gloves you work out with yeah that's what were they wearing back yeah this isn't the freaking my winter gloves have more pain yeah exactly yeah this isn't like this is like in like in the late 20s, early 30s. Because this guy at the time, now this is going back to like in the 80s. Yeah. This guy is literally like 80 years old. He lived to be like almost 100. We used to talk to him in a nursing home.

Yeah. But he used to always say to me, he'd look at me and go, oh, what a shame. And he cursed like a sailor. He's a fighter, Greg. He's from the streets. He said that like you were training with fucking Bernie Madoff. But no, this is what he used to always say. His wife would come up.

Excuse me. No, but I got to tell you a funny story about it. Because he'd be like, come on, get your fucking laptop. Yeah, fucking. And he would literally talk like that. And his wife would come out. Allie. You're a little loud, dude.

Jesus. Am I? Yeah, if you're going to fucking yell, fucking back off the mic. Okay. Go ahead. His wife would come out, Allie! You're a little loud, dude. Jesus. Am I? Yeah, if you're going to fucking yell, fuck it back off the mic. Okay. Go ahead. His wife would come out and yell at him, like, Allie, watch your mouth. And he'd go, Jesus Christ, Mary, I never swore to her I met these guys.

You know how those cops are. They're always cursing. Cursing. Was he Irish? Yeah. Or did he have a stroke? I couldn't figure out the accent. But he talked like that.

His name is Ali Ridgeway. He's in the New Jersey Boxing Hall of Fame. And he trained you. And he trained me to go play. And he used to say to me. Because you could hit. He used to say to me, too bad your hands are so slow because you've got a head like an anvil. And he goes, you've got a head like an anvil.

And he goes, you'll left hook or down an oak tree. Literally, that is what he used to say. Because I was. He said the same thing to Steve Martin when he's training him for a movie. Yeah. I was no Ronda Rousey, but I could throw a left hook. No. Well, you hit me.

We used to fuck around. And you hit me with a forearm one time. You know, I used to run up and fucking punch you in the back of the, you know, head or the neck out of nowhere. Yeah, good old days.

But you hit me with a forearm once. I literally went in the bathroom downstairs. I had to sit on the toilet trying to catch my wind. I had the door shut. I was like,

Remember how hard, that's like we screw around now punching at each other. Yeah. Remember how hard we's like we We screw around now Pudging at each other Yeah Remember how hard We would drill each other And shit When we were growing up

Enough about our sex life Yeah what No No I know And we can't do it anymore I know Now I can't do it It hurts me

I have bruises in the morning Ah Greg's had Major hip surgery And I've had major Shoulder surgery And It's really sad Yeah sad What are you gonna do Who ever thought Major hip surgery and I've had major shoulder surgery.

And it's really sad. Yeah, it's sad. What are you going to do? Who would have thought this is how it all would... Well, it's not come to an end yet. We're still doing lots of things. I told you it was all going on. I want to talk about when you did... Greg actually did stand-up.

Nothing funnier than a cop doing stand-up, huh, folks? No, he's living down in Miami. And you actually... I talked you into it Over the phone Yeah no I came to see you in Tampa It was 1991 I came to see you in Tampa

How can you remember this It's amazing I remember everything I can't find his way To my house Or the GPS Yeah but that's why I took the bar four times

Because I'm a I have useless knowledge In my head Okay so when When did you decide First of all Me and Colin Quinn Did a couple benefits

Was that before You were a comic No that was like during During In the early 90s You Colin Quinn did a couple benefits Was that before you were a comic? No, that was like during During In the early 90s You and Quinn did a bunch of We came down, did some benefits Yeah, that's how I met Quinn

There was a cop that we raised the money for, right? Yeah, Hawk Miles Yeah, he died of cancer young Good kid But you went up on stage with a puppet Was that the piggy puppet? Yeah, Sergeant Porky And you did the background for him But you went up on stage with a puppet. Oh. Is that the pig puppet? Sergeant Porky.

And you did the background for him? He's got a, this is in front of all cops, by the way, so we weren't making fun of him, but he had a puppet, a pig puppet. Yeah, like a rubber pig. A rubber pig. It really looked like a pig. A roast pig. Yeah. Like the kind Black Lives Matter was pushing out.

Right. No, but it was a puppet. Like the kind Black Lives Matter was pushing out. Right. No, but it was a puppet. And I'm in the back offstage with a microphone providing the dialogue. Saying the most heinous shit you've ever heard in your life. Right?

And I'm going, oh, don't say that. Yeah. It was like a Jeff Dunham and Peanuts type of thing. It was like a Jeff Dunham. Who was that guy? Bacon on a stick we were doing. I'm in the, yeah. But I had no idea what he was going to say.

And he's saying. Was I doing providing, wait, was I providing the voice of the puppet? Of the puppet. Right, that's right. And you were saying the most heinous shit. It was killing. And absolutely destroying the room and making this pig noise. It actually ruined the night because it was so funny. You couldn't Nobody could top it

Everybody Ate their shit after that And we Because we just kept going on People were standing All like we were geniuses I can't even repeat this stuff We had a VHS tape

Of it We actually have Somewhere If Andy can find it My wife has that program That converts shit Into digital Oh you'll be

You'll be Yeah I have the I have the VHS tape But Colin Maybe he can find them. My wife has that program that converts shit into digital. Oh, you'll be glad. Yeah. I have the VHS. But Colin did a few benefits for Greg. Went down there on his own. And this is when Colin weighed about 225 with a goatee. And he looked like a cop.

And they loved him. Oh, my God. They frigging loved him. So how did you, when was your first, I can't even remember the first time. I came and saw you in Tampa. We were screwing around. And you said you wanted to go up. I don't want to mention names.

You remember who it was with. Gary. Gary Valentine. Gary Valentine. Yeah, but you didn't go on. No, no, no. That was where it started? Yeah, we had that comedy condo.

You said, yeah, we were like... Oh, Gary Valentine, yes. He said, you know what? Gary, yeah, he had. Gary. He said, you know what? He goes, because he was. Gary, yeah, he had a hot broad with him, and we went back to the condo. And I brought back a waitress, and he went in one room, and then we switched. It was square dancing. That's why I love Gary. And I'm sitting in the middle, drunk off my ass, eating a foot long.

Right. Not a guy. Greg's eating a sub by himself in the living room. Laughing, like giggling like a little girl. Okay, so how does that translate to you doing stand-up? Because even Gary was saying, he goes, because we were like jabbing at each other. And we're ripping him in the ass. He's ripping him.

All right. Move the story forward, Edith. Jesus Christ. So I went on. I went up on the stage. My first joke. I'm bullying my guy. I went up on the stage. My first joke is about. I'm bullying my guest. I'm doing, I'm actually doing fat jokes, you know, like a guy's measuring me and he's

whistling around the world in 80 days. That was my first, that's my signature bit. So the guy. My first signature bit. The guy was gay, the salesman. Obviously, right. And he's got the tape measure out. Yeah, I do.

Well, I don't, I hate going to big installment stores, you know. Slow it down. So I hate going to big installment stores, you know. Slow it down. I hate going to big installment stores because when the guy's measuring on waste, he's whistling around the world. Oh, good one, Greg. Listen to the punchline. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey.

America, get ready to laugh because I'm going to punch this one. What was the punchline? And then I look down and say, you might not be such a wisecracker. He was a wisecracker, actually. No, you didn't. No, I didn't. I said, you might not be so fucking wise there because I might eat you. And he looks up and goes, promises, promises.

Holy shit. Buddy, dang, that was my, I still get to laugh. What was your stage name? Greg Kirkman. Greg Kirkman. He went by. Look up some of them. Can we, if we Google to get, we find any of these?

Oh, no, because it was, thank God it was before the internet. It just missed the internet. Yeah. Because remember, you still always ask. I'd say, I'm doing 10 minutes tonight. You'd go, whose? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So how long did you do stand-up? I did stand-up. A couple years? I actually did it for like three or four years. I actually had a solid like 17 and a half minutes of Hackney stuff based mostly on what you said, but, you know, just repainted it, took the edges off and filed it down a little. Said it was mine. It was really good.

Greg Kirkman. Oh, there's people out there. The name's synonymous in Miami with bad comedy. Piled it down a little. Said it was mine. It was really good. Greg Kirkman. Oh, there's people out there. The name's synonymous in Miami with bad comedy. It wasn't at Uncle Funny's? Was your home? No. Uncle Funny's. Coconuts?

What was the home club? My home club was Coconuts. And Uncle, but Coconuts with Ann. I never did Coconuts, ever. Yeah, because you would. I know Artie did, and a lot of, you know, Bob Levy. I would hear these horror stories about it.

They were usually doing the improv, and they snuck in a show over there or two for the extra money. Well, that was Artie. Bob Levy would book a week at the coconuts. That's what I'm saying. But I would get bad reports even from Bob Levy about the You know who's the king of coconuts? Get her done. That's what I'm saying. But I would get bad reports even from Bob Levy about the... You know who's the king of coconuts?

Get her done. What's the one... Larry the Cable Guy. Dan Whitney. Dan Whitney. I used to... I opened for Dan Whitney a hundred times. Well, that was like his first club.

And when he was a stand-up comic. And the thing of it was... You opened for him? Did you? No, I would be emceeing for Whitney, right? Yeah. And Whitney would go up there, eat his own shit. I'm not kidding you.

I know. No offense. And then he'd do the cable guy at the end and kill. I know, blow the roof off. I mean, literally, people would give him a standing omen. I know. I guess he put two and two together. Well, what he did was, he told me, I've discussed this many times with him, he'd call into radio

stations all over the country. He'd stay up all night calling West Coast, you know, and he'd literally got a relationship with about 150 stations as the Larry the Cable guy. And became in every radio, which is brilliant. I mean, he goes on, you know, after doing it for a year, he goes, I'm coming to your town. Right, but the thing of it was, like, me being a nobody in comedy, I'm just thinking, like, not as a comedian, because I'm not a comedian. I'm not a blow in comedy. Yeah. I'm just thinking like, not as a comedian, because I'm not a comedian. I'm not a blowjob hack.

But I'm thinking to myself, why doesn't this guy do the fucking cable guy through his whole act? And I don't want to say it to him because he's like a middle and I'm just hosting. Yeah. I'm getting the 25 bucks,

you know, which I declared every time, of course, with the IRS. Yeah. But seriously, and who else? I mean,

I saw everybody, Bobby Slayton. Of course. That's my point. It's a chain thing. But Larry the Cable guy, you know, Dan Whitney,

as you know, as real name, I work with him up at Cal Lone. Yeah. I think I was the closer. This was, you know,

late 80s, early 90s. I think I was, I might be wrong there. I can't remember. I think I was the closer. This was, you know, late 80s, early 90s. I think I was, I might be wrong there. I can't remember. I think I was closing. But then I work with me a few years later down in Florida. And I get back to New York. And I might have mentioned this too.

I get a tape in the mail. A porn, VHS porn tape. I put it in. You know, it just says, here's some porn. Had a great time this weekend. You know, I put it in You know Just says Here's some porn Had a great time This weekend You know I put it in

And It's this lady I'm not exaggerating She's like 600 pounds Being banged From behind By some guy And I'm watching it

Like for a couple minutes And all of a sudden The guy looks over his shoulder Somehow he dubbed his head in Yeah And that's before You could dub I remember

I don't know how he did it I don't either It was like floating Yeah it was like floating It was his face And he's looking over his head in. Yeah, and that's before you could dub. I remember. I don't know how he did it. I don't either. It was like floating. Yeah, it was like floating. It was his face. And he's looking over his shoulder at me. Yeah. Look, I remember that.

That was like a notorious tape. I brought it to Catcher Rising Star for like, I brought it to Catcher Rising Star for two months in a row, you know, giving it to my friends and bringing it to my comedian friends and then somebody kept it. Yeah, you couldn't even send it via email. So somebody could really do him in with it. Oh exactly but you actually get her done vhs but but now nice and like he was a middle then and then i remember he he came back around a few times oh yeah it was like then he came back as larry that he's playing the improv sold out for like a yeah

from monday to well like i said he he developed a relationship with that character with morning zoo shows all over the country. Nicest guy in the world, too. He's a great guy. Nicest guy in the world, too. He, that's the last roast I did for Comedy Central. It was, you know, the Larry Cable guy. And the only reason, he requested me personally. Oh, yeah.

You know, and that's when I had to end up closing But that's the kind of guy I was But never like You know because You know when you're emceeing In the comedy world You're one inch away from the next jerk That's gonna emcee

And get the 25 bucks And you ain't gonna get your To do your stupid 15 minutes That still suck Never were good Never were gonna be good But he was the type of guy that, you know. Encourage you?

Encourage you, you know, probably wrongly. You know, that's how nice he was. He's really tormenting you. Yeah, go ahead, Greg. I think you have a future on this. Yeah, you guys go, look at this fat cop. He's going to have a heart attack. No, but you were funny.

But again, you were funny. You know, again, people can't translate it to stage. Right. You know. I mean, to this day. You know. It's funny. To this day. Falling down the stairs. I brought Mr. Zook here to Colin Quinn.

Him and Quinn have a relationship since, you know, back when Quinn started doing those benefits back in the 90s for you. Yeah, the 90s. Early 90s. And they talk on the phone now and then. And so Greg's a huge Quinn fan. So we went to see Colin's show again. I had already seen it. I read the book.

New York. What the fuck's it called? New York Story? Yeah, New York Story. This is the second time I've tried to plug it. I've seen it. I've read the book. New York Story.

The book is called The Coloring Book, a comedian's way to solve race. But anyways, we wanted to see Colin's one-man show, which ended yesterday, by the way, last night. Last night. But it was great. He got a standing ovation Saturday night. After that, we went out to eat with Quinn. Yeah, if you want to see something that sums it all up nicely. And in a good way, too.

Even Libel can't get mad at the way he's done it. Well, yeah. I mean, you know, it's just the truth is the truth. But this is the funny story. This is how I met Quinn, because you guys were living on Venice Beach right next door to each other, right? Who? You. Quinn used to be at your house a lot.

Quinn never went to my apartment. Here's why. No, but I'm telling you. Quinn has never been to my apartment on Venice Beach, but go ahead. Well, somewhere along the line He answered the phone one day In Los Angeles Yeah

Yeah okay I was probably on Doheny Yeah This was years after Venice Beach This is how I With Quinn And I'd talk to him He'd go oh you're the cop

Down in Miami And we would literally talk For like two or three hours You know cause Yeah he loves the cop shit And I'm getting home at 11 You know At night

I'm pumped up I ain't gonna go to sleep And he's fascinated by race and cops and prison. Yeah, and cops and stuff. So we literally, like, start talking. Then he gives, you know, his number. And we literally, like, me and you used to be, you know. Yeah, then he got tired of me.

He told me. Oh, yeah. This guy keeps bugging me. No, he called. And the thing I don't do to Quinn is call him. He never said that. He never said that. Well, because you guys are from the call you and shut your phone off two seconds after

you. Apparently, that's running around New York. Shut your phone off? What are you talking about? No. You and Quinn. Yeah. You can call me and literally I can push it automatically.

That's Quinn. Call back and he won't answer. He doesn't answer. That means he doesn't want to talk to you, Greg. Well, why did he fucking call me? He calls. Quinn will call you. You do the, why did he fucking call me? He calls me. Quinn will call you. You do the same thing. You'll call me.

Literally, I'll push the button. I guess we both really don't like you. The secret's out. Well, good. Then don't fucking call me. I never did that to you. I've never called you then hung up when you called back. No, not hung up. You just don't fucking answer. Making me out to be a fucking rat. No, you just don't answer. I'm telling you.

I just don't answer? Literally. Because I'm probably banging my nanny. There you go. Apparently, Al-Qaeda just... Yeah, so Quinn yeah, Quinn is... Always contacts Greg for stories. Well, because, really, because Quinn is enamored with my friend Al,

who's like this crazy guy from Charlestown. Charlestown, that would be South Boston. South Boston. Charlestown, that area. Yeah, well, basically, you either became a cop, a priest, or a crook. Or a crook. And this guy became a cop, and a damn good cop. Damn good, are you kidding me?

This guy's got a nose Like a middle linebacker He's got what? He's got a nose for the ball Like a good middle linebacker A what? A nose A nose

He's always in shit Shootouts Chases Literally This guy Some people You know like in football Everybody

Somebody always lands on the ball He's the guy that's in the middle of the shit All the time I know he enjoys it Well we I took Quinn. Quinn rode with him for like a week. And he couldn't, you know, he says Al was the funniest guy, one of the funniest guys he's ever met.

And then, like, then him and them went back. And then just that relationship has been going on for what, 22 years? Yeah. No? Yeah. I call him. He lets me, you know. It's kind of a, I always feel bad because, you know, he's famous.

I'm nobody. What do you mean? You did two years opening for Larry the Cable Guy. Don't fucking sell yourself short. Don't sell yourself short Don't sell I wouldn't do that Nicky

You know me But no But And then during Like 9-11 Greg Greg by the way Greg Zook

That's his first name Greg by the way Came up here Yeah And Were you with other Miami cops Yeah

I was with Eight from Miami From Miami And one from the city Of Miami Pepe Gonzalez. Nicest guy in the world. No kid chocolate, would you? No kid chocolate.

He's been dead for years. So, yeah, Greg came up with the other cops right after, like a 9-12 to clean up, right? Yeah. We were staying there, working down there. I'm tracking asbestos through his house. Yeah, I was living in Astoria. Greg would come back glowing green and sit at my kitchen table and hand me a piece of Italian bread.

They pulled my drinking card like in the late 80s and I couldn't drink. These guys, we would work 12-hour shifts. We'd get home at 7. They'd drink till like 10 minutes of 7. We'd get in the van and these guys would be all fresh drinking coffee. I slept eight hours. I finally had to come to your house to get some sleep So I'll probably, my liver will be gone in a few weeks

But yeah, Greg would come out to Astoria and stay at my place And then go back into the city Now we were on the West Side Highway the other night And you're, well what about the people, people are out there This is right after, days after West Side Highway, and you people that live in New York can verify this 24-7, all that shrubbery there that led median strip you mean strip that had into there yeah they actually put lights up there

because well they because it was going on 24 7. there was literally people i'm not you one day we were riding in and we had like a 16 passenger van that the city of new york gave yeah gave us to come from the hotel there. Literally people throwing rose petals at us saying, God bless, screaming like we were Romans coming home from conquering Spain or something. Where the fuck do they find roses in New York? No, no, no.

Not off the homeless people. Remember that whole thing was like, they take the, literally, it's funny, you observe people putting flowers, they take the that literally i know it's funny you observe people for flowers they take the flowers at then literally throwing and then 14 years later the them at the you know on wall street not the same people was their kids oh they're kids that's why i'll never be fooled again but that's what you're saying so the people that would throw on rose

petals and praising you guys their kids grew up to be snotty occupied wall street yeah i'm guessing because it's pretty close to the same area. I'm not kidding you, Nick. Well, no, I'm asking. I have never in my life felt so, you know, right. Like, I picked the right thing

to do by being a cop for those, like, 14 days. Right. Where I would have fresh kills, finding slivers of bones and shit. Yeah. I remember you telling me

the story. In hazmat suits. Then you get a year later, they're sending you a paper. People have been dying from, have you been coughing blood lately? And all this shit. And see, there's people that died over that. And literally 14 years later, they're spitting in their faces. And some of those guys were there.

Yeah. Short there. Yeah. Short memories. Yeah, they'll never be fooled again by that. Next tragedy, I'll be up in Cooperstown. So you'd say you wouldn't help up? No, fuck them. Let them help themselves. Oh, you mean the kid?

I get what you're saying. Yeah, the fam. Not all of them, obviously. But I mean, Quinn was down there. I remember running into Quinn. I got waited on by De Niro. Eddie, you name a band. Kevin De Niro?

Yeah. The waiter at the... No, the kid over at Denny's. Kevin De Niro. Robert's cousin. What do you mean De Niro waited on you? De Niro used to come down there. I remember seeing him on the news.

He was always on. During shifts. Right. Oh, and feed you guys. And literally we'd be sitting down and be coming by with a big pot. You want some more mashed potatoes? I'm not kidding you. You name a star. And did you go, no, that's enough. He goes, no more. No, that's enough. And you flip the table over. You call those carrots? I'd say, look at them. They're all mashed up.

They're wet. I knew he was down there doing stuff like that that Nicky was like being in Hollywood I know there was big games down there I didn't see Tim Robbins down there no exactly

but like literally like you'll see this is funny like Blondie was up there singing Blondie was are you serious

you name a group during lunch like on Friday cause we never when you came back we we sat at the table. You go to bed, I'd fucking be out hacking it up. Oh, yeah, I know. Doing dick jokes at the cellar.

You were only there for a week or two weeks I was there. Right. Because you went on the road. Yep. But we haven't really talked about that. No. Quinn was one of the first guys to do a show after. Right.

I mean, it was just so hectic And you were like working down there You weren't like It wasn't like hey how's everybody doing No I know I told this story about Pepe We run into What's his name

The guy that looks like De Niro Now look I'm losing my mind The guy that looks like De Niro Cause he's got a great ass What's his name The guy that looks like De Niro. Now, look, and I'm losing my mind. The guy that looks like De Niro? He's got a great ass. What's his name? What the fuck was that? What was that?

He looks like Burgess Meredith? What the fuck was that? That's my impression of... Who was that? He's got a great ass. The Godfather. Everybody always confuses him with De Niro. Marlon Brando? With the goatee.

He's been in a million cop movies. You just said the Godfather. Was he in the Godfather? He's in the Godfather. How come I can't remember? He's got a great ass. What the fuck? Let me tell you that. We're going to figure this out. No, no, no. Always question with the Godfather. How come I can't remember? He's got a great ass. What the fuck are you talking about? Let me tell you that.

We're going to figure this out. No, no, no. Always confused with the... The movie Heat, right? Pacino. Pacino. Jesus Christ, you really... Sorry.

No, no, no. I think you did inhale some of that shit at Ground Zero. I know I did. You hear the way I cough? For Christ's sake. He's got a great ass. What was that? How would the duck?

Is that what you're talking about? No, there's a scene. I'm going to back up. Go ahead. There's a scene in... You can get on the mic a little more. There's a scene in the movie I just mentioned. Look at him.

I'm scared because I'm on radio. You're not, though. This will never be the light of day. Of course it will. Of course it will. Pacino is chasing De Niro in heat, right? Yeah. And then the guy turns into a rat because his wife calls up on him and says,

he's going to... And Pacino's talking to him. Yeah. And he goes, I don't know why I get into this. He goes, me and bronze. He goes, I don't know. Every time I this. He goes, me and bronze. He goes, I don't know. Every time I get with one, they screw me. Why is that?

And then he goes, because she's got a great ass. Who says that, De Niro? Pacino. I mean, Pacino, no. Go find the clip. It's really not worth it, Greg. No, it's a good. It's impressive.

It's way better than my. You sound like Burgess She's got a great ass She needs a manager She's got a great ass A million dollars Find that thing And that's exactly

She's got a great ass It shits lightning It's gonna grab thunder But she ain't got no log of me She's got a great ass But she ain't got no log of do I I'm telling you It's one of the best

Was he down there? No but she knows This is a story I'm gonna you, that's one of the best. Was he down there? No, Pacino's not. This is a story I'm going to tell you. Yeah, could you get to it, Edith? Picture, now picture Cuban kids from Miami. Yeah. Fucking face shit. Now, I'll do the same thing.

Hey, I just let the time. Cuban kids from Miami, like in their 30s. They grew up on Scarface. We're leaving, walking out, like, covered in shit. Here comes a golf cart. Stops. Pacino gets off. Comes over us.

Either he's the best actor or he's the most sincere. He goes, look at you guys. God bless you. He's shaking all our hands. These kids grew up on, Scott. Now you've got 11 cops. He signs I still have my hard hat

Was this in Miami? No this is at Ground Zero What are the Cuban kids doing at Ground Zero? They're all cops that came with me They're like in their 30s You just said Cuban kids Well to me they were kids then Because they were much younger than me

Because they came along with us So they were freaking out They're freaking out Because it's square face. You know, it's to them. That's like, you know, that's our godfather. Yeah, exactly. Eleven cops.

We're all standing. He signs all our helmets. He's like, look at you guys. And of course, they're going, I will say it. And he's doing all that. Of course, because they're young. I'm smart enough. He goes, he's doing say hello to my little friend. They're asking him to say he's doing all the lines Of course, because they're young. I'm smart enough. He goes, he's doing, say hello to my little friend.

They're asking him to say he's doing all the lines, everything they have. Is that right? I swear to God. That's unbelievable. I swear to God. He's doing all the lines. They're hugging him and shit. Every one of us, they actually gave us cameras.

Has one of those throwaway cameras. Do you think out of 11 cops, we took one freaking picture? And nobody believes that now. You probably did in those paper cameras. You get in a minibar. No, nobody even did. They were so enamored. Enamored by them.

Because I kind of like stepped aside because, you know, they're like 10 or 11 years younger than me. And they were like, you know, they were just so in it by seeing a star. You know, I've been around guys like you. But I heard it ended kind of awkward. He goes, say hello to my little friend. He pulls out a picture of Muhammad Atta. Excuse me.

He pulled out a stuffed animal. That's unbelievable. But that's, I mean, he was the most, and now he was there all the time. Pacino was? Yeah, he's a New York boy. So was De Niro, too. And De Niro was there all the time.

Of course. It hit them right where they breathe. And what's her name with the head to pieces? Larry Storch, not so much. Yeah, no. No, William Frawley. He wasn't there. He's dead, I think.

No, but, and like, you name, you name like somebody famous.'s dead, I think. No, but you name somebody famous. I mean, in the early going, they were thick. And as time goes on, it went on for almost, what did it go? About eight months. At least. At least. Yeah, because they just actually had the... I was going to go to it in May.

It was the 15th anniversary Of them shutting down Ground Zero But you didn't You told me you didn't go Because the Coconuts were having Their 25th

Yeah It was because Larry the Cable Guy Was doing a tribute to Get Her Done Or something I don't know That wasn't funny

No but It was It was amazing When I And that's what I say Like you know With me and directions, that's why. Yeah. But going down the West, I do know because all the morgue ships were there.

Yeah. But unfortunately, I mean, there was, unfortunately, after that thing crumbled, I mean, the most I ever saw was a sliver of bone like the size of a pencil. It was horrendous. No, they're still finding, they're still finding. I remember, honest to God, I'm talking a year and a half, two years ago. I read in the paper they found more. Oh, yeah. But that's my life.

I've been getting into that for so long. But it was because it was. Well, no, you've lived an interesting life, man. I mean, cop for how many years in Miami? 33. 33 in Miami. And Miami cops get paid a couple hundred more, right? Because of the hazard.

I got a nice. He took me. Greg took me and colin quinn and i probably i mentioned this actually right when i was talking with mike dowd last week he took us through liberty city in his cruiser at two in the morning yeah this isn't this isn't like the early night that was like in the early 90s yeah my 90s yeah little problems is that is that oh somebody andy said My wife She said I don't know how she found this out

That they were Tearing down the pork and beans project Yeah yeah No it's gone Pork and beans is gone Pork and beans is gone And the matchboxes They called them

Because they look like Most of those places Are they gone now They're gone now What's there now Like parks Oh really Actually things are going better there

I mean That's North Miami? That's Central Miami. That's Central. Because actually, Liberty City is called Central High. But it was fucking frightening. People spitting at the cars. That's UOM.

That's what made UOM national championships 15 times or however many times. What did? Central High. That's half the talent came out of Central High, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because they used to recruit all over the country and then... What's his name?

I'll never remember. I can't even remember Pacino's name. I was panicking on a podcast. I can't understand it. Schnellenberger. When Schnellenberger came to town? Howard Schnellenberger. Howard Schnellenberger came to town.

And he actually said, he goes, I don't know why everybody's going out of the country. He goes, from what I see, the best football players in the whole country are in a 10 square mile of the Orange Bowl, which is where Central Iowa is. Is that what he said? Is that what he said? He did. Yeah.

Well, they were probably afraid to go to those neighborhoods to recruit. Seriously. I wouldn't doubt it. But Schnellenberger looked like that type of guy that wouldn't be afraid. He looks like a plantation owner. Ask anybody that played for him. Him and, of course, the guy that went to Dallas. I can't remember his name.

It's the brain. The guy that went to Dallas. With the three rings. Urban? Michael Urban? No, the coach. The real flamboyant coach. Oh, Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy Johnson.amboyant coach with the stupid-

Oh, Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy Johnson. Ask anybody to play for those two guys. They're revered. They're like- I mean, you say something bad about them- Oh, I know. They knock you out.

I've seen documentaries. They still send their praises. Oh, yeah. You saw that thing with that 30 for 30 about them? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. They changed my image.

Well, we'll wrap it up here. But no, but that's why I wanted to have you on. This guy made me fucking one of the guys you see one of my first specials in the credits it says uh thanks to bob murphy he was another kid i went to high school craig's four years older than me but i mentioned zook and the credits and and uh you guys are the reason i you know that's all we did when we got together and And like I said, we were big Dennis Miller fans when we were younger with the references. We loved that type of comedy. And the Three Stooges.

Unites any teenage guys. But, no, I thought, you know, now you passed the bar. You're a lawyer. I mean, you've done a lot of shit. And it's funny because you were on the West were in the west with you on the west coast and i was coming home all hyped up from working is why we talk i talked to for you would it'll be to like 12 one o'clock to me like four in the morning but we literally would be on the phone five like four hours right because we're all you were coming home from gigs i come home from gigs

all wound up i come home from work all i'm living in'm living in L.A., and my phone rings, and it's like, let's see, it was probably 5 in L.A. time, and around 8 o'clock New York time. Greg goes, I'm listening to Howard Stern, and he's talking about you right now. This is how I met Howard. He goes, he's talking about you right now. I had just done a Tonight Show a couple nights previous, my first Tonight Show. The night you had done it that night. I'll tell you a story, and this is what's weird. I never listen to the radio in the morning, right? In the house.

I always have it on the car. That morning, I had plugged in the sound system to watch a movie, so it was still on, and when I unplugged it, Howard Stern was on. When I pulled the stuff out of the speakers, this is just by him. I hear him going, ah. And then his nose kept getting high. You were doing that thing about Triscuits. Triscuits. Your nose getting dried up.

And of course, I had watched it. I called you 40 times before you finally answered the phone. That's true. I kept calling you and calling you. And I'm like, he's talking about Nick. And calling you. Howard was trying to, he's talking about Nick. And calling you and calling me. Howard was trying to, he couldn't remember what my name was. He was describing the bits and Greg recognized my name.

And he's going, does anybody know who this guy is? He was doing this thing. He goes, because he got up because he couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep. And he goes, the TV on, his wife. And he goes, and I never watch comics. But he said, I actually sat down and watched this kid. And I never watch comics He goes But he said

I actually sat down And watched this kid And I go He's talking about Nick I called you like 40 times You finally You're like What

Yeah You're like Who died So I call He goes Greg goes He's talking about you right now So I call

Hang up And I call How it started in the show And Gary answers Or somebody puts me through to Gary And I'm literally on hold for like 25 minutes but i'm more than happy to wait and then and next thing you know i'm on i'm on the phone howard stern live on his radio show and i i remember the moment i'm pulling into a

warehouse we're using because there was a narcotics man listening to you going he's on the howard stern show it was the same with 9-11 remember when 9-11 happened i called your phone 150 times telling you yeah but when you lived in queens you could see yeah outside my bathroom window which was shut for some reason it was always open i go look out your window and you finally yeah there was like 19 messages and yours was one but uh yeah the whole stern thing was uh that's funny and and and uh greg came when I did my first Letterman and took a picture of me under the Letterman sign. And he's been, like I said, one of the reasons I get into it. And a crazy bastard who has been in shootouts and an interesting, funny dude.

And he's been at my house now for almost a week. I've been here for like three months now. Tell me about it. She just gave me tuna for sure. I can feel something coming on. Oh, great. Don't force it. Let me just play this real quick.

We were watching golf yesterday. 20 years ago, me and Greg were watching golf. And when Tiger was in his peak. And I was down in Florida doing a gig. We were at a hotel watching golf, and the play-by-play, one of the announcers goes, these greens are really, what did he say? He goes, look at the way the greens are eating up those balls.

Yum, yum. Yeah, yum, yum. And we just cackled for like a half hour because it was so stupid. So then we're watching yesterday. We're watching yesterday. We're watching, you know, the Players' Champion, whatever, the PGA, the final major of the year, whatever. And once again, one of the announcers makes some fucking weird.

I don't know. We're cracking up. Here it is. I'll play it into the microphone for my bump. What? What did he say? He goes, oh, that music is going to have a go at it today. Oh, smack it in that sand. I know he sounded like he was getting all perverted. I don't mean that.

Anyways. Anyways What the fuck Smack it out of the sand Smack it out of the sand So we'll be fucking cackling All of an hour for the next It'll be on my tombstone Alright Gregory

I gotta do a few plugs here Thank you for doing it brother He's a good friend And I love this guy like a brother. And his whole family, man, just amazing people. Brother Norman, also a state troop, right? Norman? Homicide.

Homicide. And Peter, who's just a world one. His brother went to Colgate, and he's one of the... He just hangs around at the country club now. He's one of those guys. No, but he was unbelievable. Brilliant guy, actually. Come see me this Friday night in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. It's the Music Fest Cafe at the Steel Stacks.

I did it a year ago, and I actually loved it. I hope it is good this time and then the following weekend i'm doing the laughing skull in atlanta the 27th 28th and 29th heard good things about that it's like an intimate room and then september 17th through 19th laugh Laugh Boston, September 25-26, Governors in Levittown, Long Island, and October 17th, the Gramercy Theater right here in New York City. That's it, kids. I think that's it.

Greg, anything to add? I just wanted to, I've already charted a private chat to see you at the Laughing Skull. Have you? Atlanta, yeah. No, I haven't. Supposed to be a good room, actually. Oh, it is.

I went by it when I was in Atlanta. You went by it. That'll tell you a lot. Okay. No, there was people laughing outside. All right, kids. I will see you next time. I think I'm forgetting something, but it doesn't matter.

I don't know. Good night. Good night, everybody. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple.

I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch. Fuck you! Fuck you! You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps, after all, that is what love means. Perhaps after all, that is what love means.

And that is why I love you. guitar solo guitar solo you