The Nick DiPaolo Show - 099 - Football and Other Crap

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

Football and Other Crap

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. How are you? That's right. It's Uncle Festa. How's your dirty tits? Good? Let me ask you a question. By the way, this episode of the Nick DiPaolo Show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com.

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You'll be happy. Your wife will be happy. Your boyfriend will be happy. Your life partner. Trust me, it's good stuff. Joe Matariz is in the house. That's right. I did the, I got up this morning and did Opie and Jimmy.

And I'm like, I'll go home and I'll bang out a podcast. But halfway home, I i was like i'm tapped and uh you know matt arise i called him in from the bullpen for long relief shows up in shorts and a t-shirt i'm in a full tuxedo and a tarpette as usual when i do my show and joe shows up and he's got his uh son luke in tow he sabotaged me rosh ashana what's russia shana got to do with you having your kid at school the jubarads don't handle kids they're in the schools closed today oh is that what it is yeah so i have them because i didn't you know wait a minute what schools jewish public schools are closed today are you telling me all public schools across the nation

clothes are just in very jewish new york that's a great question i think you should know that you're married to a jew broad no i'm not my wife's not jewish i'm kidding but i always say that because she's a psychologist i know you just you just imagine wait a minute i'm confused and how does a russia shah not get anything to do with this uh well it's a holiday the school's closed today and tomorrow. So when my kids have days off, I have to watch my kids. What are they going to? To Moses Malone School? What school are they going to?

The kids. My son goes to the public school in New Rochelle. I grew up in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, so I can't really, I can't really compare because that's a Jewish area too. Did you have to go to school in Rosh Hashanah? You got all that off? I do a joke about that, Hal. You have the whole month of September off.

I'm sorry. I don't have all your albums. No, I'm just an old joke. I'm just... Did you have Jewish holidays off in your schools growing up? Christ, no. None of them? No.

Did you go to Catholic school? We had very anti-Semitic school. They made us do extra time on the Jewish holidays. We had to do 14 hours a day. Hateful. Did you go to Catholic school, though? I did not. I just went to regular public school. And you didn't have, like kippur and like just the big no we're lucky to get patriots

day off so that's the thing i mean you're from new england when you go i notice when i go to new england yeah there's very minimal jewish people there it's uh it's a blue blood town boston it's all blue bloods you know yeah? Yeah. And this is true. Marblehead. Marblehead's a rich... Burb. Yeah. It's on the water. It's internationally known. Marblehead, Massachusetts. A lot of Jewish people live in Marblehead. Well off to do.

But there's a part of Marblehead called the Neck. It's out on the Neck. It's almost like an island, almost. It's part of Marblehead, okay? But it's out on the neck it's almost like an island almost almost separate it's part of marblehead okay but it's all blue bloods old waspy blue blood so much so they don't even let jewish people live on the neck really at least that's what my girlfriend told me in the 80s when i was in college i was dating a girl that lived on the neck on the neck yes and she told me that

are you shitting me what What is... That's crazy. Yeah, there's probably still places like that all over. Well, let's hope so, huh? Oh, that was horrible. I'm kidding. If anybody's listening that's Jewish, I have many Jewish friends. Albert Einstein. Kelly Monteith.

Kelly Monteith. Kelly Monteith? Why didn't I come up with that one? David Steinberg. Mody. Mody. Very funny comedian out of the... And all the comedy club owners. And a lot of the comedy club owners.

No. Who? Yeah. Yeah. Manny Dwarman. And Gnome. Gnome. The late Manny Dwarman.

Gnome is his son who owns the Comedy Cellar. That's a good segue into, did I get everything out of the way? We'll do the plugs later on as far as the gigs. Yeah, but in a nutshell, that's why Luke's here. That's why you brought the kid. So once again, the Jewish people messing up my career, whether they're not hiring me or sabotaging me with Joe's kids. Well, my daughter's home too.

The woman that watches my daughter for daycare, she matches her schedule with the teacher's schedules. So when the schools are closed, she'll close sometimes, too. So I have both kids, but my daughter went to the zoo with her sister-in-law. My sister-in-law. Which zoo? Bronx Zoo. That's funny. The Bronx.

My wife went there a couple weeks ago with her. Took her mom and grandmother i've never been but i've been on 186 and lennox close enough it is funny when you're there's parts of the bronx zoo where you literally see a really high fence and then you just see like uh and you see what you see projects right on the out they'll be like right on the outskirts of the Bronx Zoo. Some of it. I can't imagine if you had an apartment on one of those high floors and you're looking down at fucking giraffes. That's awesome.

Wouldn't that be awesome? It's like Michael Jackson's house. Good way to lure the kids back to the apartment. Hey, do you like rhinos, Timmy? Let me show you. Get in your pajamas. Get on my elevator. Let me show you. Get in your pajamas. Get on my elevator. Let me show you from the third floor window.

I'm wondering. We should do a documentary about all those apartments that live in view of exotic animals. That's funny. They're probably just regular apartments. There might be a... It's not a nice area that's outside of the Bronx Zoo. That's funny. That's true, because I heard a couple animals escape,

and they found a zebra stabbed to death on the Major Deegan. Graffiti all over it. They found a rhino up on blocks, missing his feet. Goodness gracious. I'm just lobbing them to you. Oh, absolutely. I'm fucking on fire beautiful let's look at the coffee eight quarts of coffee i drank this morning and uh yeah the uh well you mentioned uh noam dworman he was at the uh comedian's cookout the fourth or fifth annual

cookout here at the uh depalo pad jo Joe Mattarese brought his lovely wife, Stephanie. She's, I'll tell you, your wife's brainy and gorgeous. Seriously, Joe's got a very hot wife. Still has her figure from high school. It's funny. Like, I was just thinking when we were at, you mentioned that to me at the cookout. I did. And you mentioned it in a way that I'm like, if I have a feeling like he would like try

to fuck my wife. That I would try? Like, it was like a little like. No, I would never do that to a friend. It was a little like. If you gave me a reason. If you spilled a Heineken on my rug, I might have went after her. I started to get like, I have a little, barely a little bit of that Jake LaMotta like jealousy

in my head. Look, I don't have a lot of it. I laugh usually. I have none of it. I don't have a lot of it. I laugh usually. I have none of it. I don't know what to say when people compliment your wife. I said thank you like I had something to do with it.

Well, it's a compliment to you. I don't like when people go, there's a great scene. I wish I knew we were talking about it. I would have pulled it up. But there's a great scene and oh my God, it's like I have mental illness.

Give me the actors. I'll know the movie. I don't even know the actors. You know who, oh, oh, it's Casino. It's Casino when De Niro's character, you know, he's with Sharon Stone at a party and this young kid comes up and he introduces, you know, De Niro introduces Sharon Stone and the young kid comes up and he introduces you know dinero introduces

sharon stone the young kid goes uh mr rothsen you're a very lucky man and like kisses her hand and walks away you know first of all i've had a few people say that to me when i had hervins or my wife right and i when they go very lucky and i've actually after about the fourth time this is my comeback when they go you're very lucky i, luck had nothing to fucking do with it, jerk off. How about that? How about a fucking average dick and pretty good money? But that's like an insult. Oh, you're very lucky.

Like, you stepped in dog shit. How'd you get her? Yeah, like, you're some fat dork. No, exactly. Who you talking to? Fucking John Merrick? She's got a nice ass. But so De Niro goes, yeah, he was a good kid.

But then he goes, next day I fired him. He canned the guy the next day. It's a great scene. No, but your wife, she's really, I've said it before, but you're a friend of mine. I never know if I should tell her. Do you ever have like a- Well, you should tell her. That's why I'm telling you.

You get a call. I'm hoping you'll... Oh, I gotta hand a note to you? Give this to her in gym class. I mean, I guess if I die, you know, you can have her. I mean, I don't know. I already got one. If your wife dies and you're still around and I die... Like in a gardening accident? Somebody finds

her impaled on a tomato stick? Coincidentally, right after this podcast airs. She's fucking dead. I'll have to rename the podcast. On a tomato stick. Coincidentally, right after this podcast airs. She's fucking dead. I'll have to rename the podcast. On the tomato plants. Mrs. Andrea DiPaolo was found amongst some summer squash rotting in October.

Oh my God, that's horrible. But anyway, so yeah, Joe came with Luke and who else? Both my kids came to the barbecue. I can't keep it straight. I got a lot of friends and a lot of kids. They were both my kids came to the barbecue. I can't keep it straight. I got a lot of friends and a lot of kids. Both my kids. Willa.

With an A. Willa. That's my daughter's name. What's her last name? Mina. Get it, folks. Willa Mina. What?

So how old is Willa? Three and a half. Oh. I told you a comic, actually. It was just too soon to make a joke like that. Some comic. And you know, I'll tell you the name after. I tell you a comic actually It was just too soon to make a joke like that Some comic And you know I'll tell you the name after Too soon after what My daughter was born like two days before that

And he goes congratulations What did you name her And I said Willa And he just paused and he goes Willa So guys are going to be saying Willa You suck my dick She was two days old Two days old. Much better than what I just said.

Two days old. Too soon? Two days old is too soon for that one. It actually works in reverse. That's the only appropriate time to make a joke like that. Because the baby's so... It's a baby. Exactly.

Okay. And you know she's not going to be sucking dick until she's like in fourth grade. I, uh... That's horrible, Nick. Who said that? Johnny Lampert. That's the funniest thing that ever came out of his mouth. I, uh, that's horrible, Nick. Who said that? Johnny Lampert. That's the funniest thing that ever came out of his mouth.

Are you sure it was Lampert? It was Lampert. Are you sure? I swear to God. Johnny Lampert. Did he really say that? Johnny Lampert, every time I come to do your podcast, he goes, just, you know, slip my name in and tell him I'm doing well. Tell him I'm doing well.

I want to see what he says. He's always such an insecure. I want to see what he says. Drop it in. Johnny, hope I'm doing well. Tell him I'm doing well. I want to see what he says. He's always such an insecure... I want to see what he says. Drop it in. Johnny, hope you're doing well. He manages comedians. Yeah, I know he does. That's terrific. Drop it in. And I'm teaching driving school. He always... This is Johnny

Lambert. This is the most insecure guy. This is like years after I met him. I mean, we're up like a... I i mean we're grown men now we're not 30s he comes out and he goes hey nick what are your bench what the fuck are we in gym class in eighth grade what are your bet he always used to go you and i kind of the same like uh husky yeah like yeah strong on the shoulders i couldn't believe he asked me that i tell everybody that story what are your bench i? I can hear him saying that. What do you bench?

Last time somebody asked that, it was in 1974. The thing I like most about Johnny Lampert, and people that are listening are probably going, who the fuck is that? Well, he's a comic that we know, but who went into- The management end. Management end. He books a lot of private gigs, bands and everything. He's booked Madonna.

We call it selling out. He wouldn't even tell you that. He's booked Madonna before for a private event. I'm telling you. gigs, bands and everything. He's booked Madonna. We call it selling out. He wouldn't tell you that. He's booked Madonna before for a private event. I'm telling you. No, he hasn't. He's booked Madonna. No, he hasn't. I'm telling you.

Madonna from what? New Rochelle? Madonna. Madonna Stevenson. Yeah, Madonna Stevenson. Are you serious? Yeah, he does a lot of that middleman booking. Middle what?

Middleman booking? I call it a middleman like they come to him and then he gets them from there good well I congratulate him on that he's very good at it are you sure it's the Madonna that we know yeah he's booked a lot of those guys now where he booked her into what like a funny bone in Tampa he just well I'm going for lamb but I'm happy for John it's funny because I just... I don't want to segue out of your barbecue, but I went to the U.S. Open last week. Yeah, the tennis...

With this friend of mine who's got a lot of money, and he took us to the... We sat in the J.P. Morgan suite, and Gladys Knight was sitting next to us. Like, that's how... I took a... J.P. Morgan suite. That's like...

And they were... That's who sponsored the U.S. Open. Like, J.P. Morgan was huge. It was hugely involved in the U.S. Open. JP Morgan was huge. It was hugely involved in the U.S. Open. So you were rubbing elbows. How'd you get into that booth? It was... Johnny Lambert booked in it?

No, I just told you this. The guy who invested in my special called me up and had tickets. I invited you. You said you couldn't go. I couldn't go. Yeah. I couldn't. I had to make $25 at the stand.

After $72 worth of gas and 12 and tolls. It was the daytime session, though. It was the 1-5 match. It was the quarter finals. It doesn't matter. But Gladys Knight's there. Why would be Gladys Knight? Did you have a black eye? Oh, no.

Ike's long gone. She wasn't with... That's somebody else. That's Tina Turner. Gladys Knight and the Pips. Gladys Knight sang on the midnight train to Georgia. I'm confusing my domestic violence black couples. I don't know who. She was the Pips.

Nobody hit Gladys Knight. You're right. She was the Pips. Gladys Knight and the Pips. Yeah. I tweeted about it, and people said, who were the Pips? The Pips were a backup singer. They didn't know.

I'm like, God, I feel old. No, that's great. No, they should? The pips were a backup singer. They didn't know. I'm like, God, I feel old. No, that's a great. No, they should know that. That's Motown classic. They didn't know. On the midnight train to Georgia, living on a midnight train. Yeah. I'd rather live in his world than live without him in my world.

Is that Gladys? You know the words? Yeah. That's Gladys, right? Yeah, yeah. Sure. I always liked the song when I thought she was getting smacked around. But now I don't have as much respect.

No. What was the reason? I'm fucking losing it. Was the reason I just brought up the guy? Because you're in the JP Morgan booth. Johnny Lambert booked Madonna. Oh, because Johnny told me he's booked Gladys Knight before. That's how it connects.

Well, Johnny, he's making more money than me. I know exactly when she got paid to do like somebody's backyard. Like you're not going to tell us right now? We're hanging on it. No one cares. I shouldn't tell you the exact number. Okay, round it off. It's between $1,000 and $200,000 for the night.

Plus, as they would say, all expenses. I guess not an entourage. Musicians get a lot. I don't know what it is. Comedians don't get that. I got 16 clams to play in a guy a lot. I don't know what it is. Comedians don't get that. I got 16 clams to play in a guy's back. Yeah, I remember that. But we don't ever get like, and I want to bring 12

of my friends like that doesn't work with comedy where we have an entourage that we can put up in a hotel. Well, why would you know comics unless you're a black comic who's going to have an entourage? Some of these guys do and I don't understand it. I would never. I don't need a road manager. Oh, those I showed up by myself. I don't need a road manager. Oh, those.

I showed up by myself. They sent the car for me. Pulled up to this mansion in Westport. Went out back. All these beautiful people walking around. I'm mulling around eating shrimp with them. And then the stage was. The stage, I told you.

I think we talked about this. The stage was as beautiful as any club I've played. Outside. And he had a you know canopy in case it rained the sound system was like sinatra i did like an hour 16 dimes nice gives me a bottle of french wine really on the way out yeah haven't talked to him since can't get back in can't even get back in it's like getting a two-on-one with a girl you never get him again it's like two girls, sex, done

You'll never see them again I know I've had a couple in my lifetime And I've never seen those girls again What? Two at once? Two girls at the same time Had it twice

Happened to me I don't know if I mentioned this to you It's happened to me twice Now get a load of this Is this not the fucking weirdest thing? Back-to-back weekends What? None before, none after Back-to-back weekends. What? None before, none after.

Back-to-back weekends. Wow. I've gone through pictures of going, what was I wearing? How was my haircut? Is that not the oddest thing ever? That really is, because like... Well, marriage will put a crimp in the last 20 years, you know? But I would like, yeah.

Is that fucking bizarre? I guess it's good, because after you had it so close that you figure it out. It's like watching somebody make a putt. Like you know how to do it. Read the green. Yeah, you knew what to do the second time because it was a week later. Either that or I was just extremely fucking lucky. One of them was an ex-wife of an NHL Canadiensians hockey player played for the canadians i was gonna ask

how did they both go down in a in a in a small like how did it i don't want to get into that okay what's the word i don't know what i'm looking for um they didn't they didn't go down in the same way i mean how did it how did it go down yeah you're saying they go down no making it sound like i meant like she went first the blonde then the brunette went after how did it go down? Yeah. You're saying they go down. No, no, no. You're making it sound like. I meant like. She went first, the blonde, then the brunette went after. How did you meet them? Was it like a comedy situation? One of them was and one wasn't.

Okay. Just the fucking bizarrest thing ever. Did you tell them, man, I had this last weekend too? Huh? No. You didn't bring it up? Christ, no. That would have been great.

Then I would have had to come up with an excuse why I was so bad. Was it a bisexual one or was it like a totally they liked guys? It was a guy, totally they liked guys. Oh, see, I've never had that. I had both times I think it was more of like they wanted to be with each other and I just forced myself. You forced away in there? Yeah.

Both times. The first time I videotaped it, they let me set a camera up in a hotel room and then my house was robbed in astoria and i lost the camera with that tape in there it's out there are you fucking kidding me where to god are you kidding me i swear to god when i lived in astoria i think it was an inside job i think it was like super in the building or something that would that would have surfaced after after you being on's Got Talent. I was going to say. If you won it, it would have definitely surfaced. It's coming out.

I'm going to be like Kim Kardashian. It's going to come out. See Joe on the cover of Esquire with his ass all oiled up. It'll be embarrassing because I'm barely involved. Like these girls were so lesbo-ing out. I'm running the camera. I'm Scorsese in the corner. Do that again.

I got to change the lighting. Yeah, I'm getting a shadow from the boom. Is that the boom on my dick? Oh, my God. That's quite a story. The second one was an acting class. I used to tell young comics, if you want to get laid, acting class.

Absolutely. I picked up this young boy in Hollywood was an acting class i used to tell young comics if you want to get oh yeah acting class absolutely i picked up this young boy in hollywood right off the bus from tulsa he was very confused i said you gotta study meisner next thing you know he's in his shorts by a fire no um that's true acting classes you want to see snatch fellas even if you're not in show business i knew a guy out in la um who hooked he had like a fake modeling he he was pretending he was doing like headshots and and and you know getting modeling jobs to go adding the paper him and another guy this is when i was living in venice beach and they they had no company they were just full of shit and they were fucking dating and fucking every other chick that went in there he'd show me

the headshot and then a week later i'd see him in a club with the chicks they were thinking you know can you imagine that's genius i know well it's not genius like the oldest trick on the book but it's not like cosby you can't go to jail really just because you know because it's consensual there's nothing really illegal there no you're just playing off there. You just buy a good camera. You can't show up with like a fucking Instamatic. Remember those Instacameras that shot the fucking pictures out the bottom? The guy that did my headshots in LA, this is true. The guy that did my, he was a regular on, remember Kojak with Telly Savalas in the 70s?

He was a regular on that show. Who was he? I can't, I don't want to say his name. What part did he play? He was like Kojak's right-hand guy. Okay. He played a detective or whatever. Anyways, I move into some apartment building on Doheny in Los Angeles, right? Yeah.

This guy's living on the top floor. I meet him in the lobby or whatever. You know? Yeah. Ignore it Nick Fucking thing Anyways Yeah so

Top floor He tells me he's a photographer He'll do my head shots For cheap I go up to his apartment He's got pictures of like Michelle Pfeiffer When she was like 22

Who the hell else Like three Four or five famous broads That are really famous Like when they were young When they they first got to L.A. And so he goes up and does. He shoots a couple rolls of me up on his roof. And I used a couple of hedgehogs.

One of them is still, I think, at the comedy cellar. Anyways, turns out this guy, after I moved out of the building, a couple of somebody else I knew in L.A. knew who he was and stuff. And I think after I moved back to New York, he'd get busted for like running prostitutes out of his apartment. Oh, really? Yes. He was still a handsome, older, you know, he was older than me,

but still good looking. You could tell, you know. Right, right. And he's just a player, this guy. He crossed the line. He went too far. Yeah. But, you know, I can imagine the gift of gab he had, you know. But he had a picture of Michelle Phyfe. She looked went too far yeah but you know i can imagine the gift of

gab he had you know but he had a picture michelle five she looked like she was 19 you know i for some reason when you brought up the photographer and getting the girls i don't know why it came into my head but i used to remember with remember those poison ivy movies they were like soft core porn almost and they would run like late night on showtime and there was like a whole bunch of them and one what would they call the movie was called like poison ivy there was like a one a two a three and a four and like yes did you audition no seriously no i did it i wish i read for some you read for one of those soft core kind of moves yes and it was on showtime was it with alissa milano because that's who was the lead in the first one.

Fuck. I don't know. No, this guy, oh, this guy worked for Playboy or something. But it was softcore. Yeah, and it would always be like some almost famous really hot girl. I actually went to the guy's apartment to read for it. Really? Yeah, like a really nice apartment. Yeah, there's a lot of guys playing out there.

Well, in that movie, there's a girl who's like a photographer, but she's just using it to like have lesbian sex, and she just starts coming on to Alyssa Milano and going, you know, like making her pull the shirt down a little more, a little more, a little more in the pictures. Next thing you know, she's like naked, and they're making out. Is this? Yeah, it's on YouTube.

It's on YouTube? Yeah, you can see it. Oh, I'll see it. That was the first time I saw it. Your car won't even be down the end of the driveway. Trust me. I'll be in here with a wet towel. That's a good one.

I'll be like an explosion and a Baskin Robbins down here. Mark that, Alyssa Milano. Oh, yeah. She's nude in a lot of the movies because she got the fake boobs and then she started doing those kind of films. Those aren't fake. She has fake boobs. Are you sure?

Tony Danza told me otherwise. No. Well. I'm kidding. Back then they were. Check it real, Sam. Angela. Angela.

What am I doing trying to impress you with the greatest impressionist on the East Coast? Mona. Mona was. Angela. Who was Mona? Was that the mother of the. He was the. Mona was. I'm trying to think of the premise of was the premise of that show he was yeah i've been trying to forget it he's the maid right yeah the male me yeah proving once again emasculation of men on sitcoms has been going on forever that is one of the i

got to go to his house you know i had a deal with his production company did you really i'm sitting on his couch drinking heinekens with him was he he cool? He was as cool as they come. That's good that you said that. He's a tough guy, you know. Well, it's good that you said that because I witnessed him once being interviewed and I thought Tony Danza was a douche. Because you know that you know

because you're a sports fan, that Michael Kay on the Yes Network. Yeah, I met him. He's a lot of people. Yeah. He's the Yankees announcer or whatever. Yeah. I did warm up for like two episodes of that.

And one was Herschel Walker and another was Tony Danza. So I would stay and watch the interview because I had only, you know, two jobs in, you're still interested in the interview. Probably after you do about five, you're like, this is so boring. I can leave. My first Letterman, Tony Danza was the other guest was he so what happened so tony danza was getting interviewed and i noticed he was very much like where you were talking about lampert coming across insecure yeah he came across insecure because every time they went to commercial he'd start

talking about himself even more and i was like i'm not dude you're being interviewed for an hour and a half straight from birth to where you are now and you got to talk about yourself even more during the commercial he came across to me so douchey really i didn't get that maybe because i watched hers i watched herschel walker first yeah mr humble and he was so soft such a gentleman yeah yeah and a bit of a girl yeah he's got well he had that book that he wrote he has weird uh i was kidding that was a total no not a girl but he has weird what's his thing who herschel herschel has like a he's a stutter i think he's sophisticated uh not i almost autistic not sophisticated no um like um multiple personalities

like um what's that schizophrenic Schizophrenic. Schizophrenic. Or is it bipolar, you're thinking? No. No? He's schizophrenic? I think you're right. He did mention that. Yeah, he mentioned, like, he would go into a whole other people when he would play football,

and he would be this guy. Yeah, right after he fumbled, he'd go, that wasn't me. That was my alter ego, Kevin. That was Kevin. Kevin. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse you.

I think it's good that you did morning radio this morning. I think you're loose. Yeah? Am I usually tight down here? No, but you have extra good ones. You usually have a lot, but you have extra. Now you're double dutching. Joe's saying quality instead of quantity.

That's what he's saying. You got quality and quantity. Actually, it's a good point. Look, I just found this old notebook on the floor. It's probably mine. No, it's mine. It's premises that I never developed. This is just to give you a little touch of where I think.

Brain cancer. That's one of the premises. Sloan Kettering. Fudgy the whale. You useloan kettering a lot that's your that's one of your references i know because nobody else does it i did it at the stand the other night i go jesus christ i've seen happier faces in the waiting room at sloan kettering you people suck i'm always saying this room has the energy of a cancer benefit the fuck's going look at this here's a bit that i never developed about and i remember about nursing homes yeah ever go into a nursing home

smells like pine salt and death it does well yeah i remember my buddy's grandmother was in there we're trying to tell her it's a beautiful place to stay i said meanwhile we're looking out the window behind her and there's a couple of black orderlies stacking dead bodies like sandbags on a swollen riverbank how the hell did that not make the fucking cut that's a definite and famous george's what does that even mean you never did it that was i probably gave it a week all the best stuff joe you know how it works all the funny wordy really smart shit in a comedy club it it doesn't work especially you know why it is because you have somebody on before you do an easy fucking stupid garbage right for the most part and it just it takes the piss out of the audience and you come up

with like really wordy shit you know that's why oh now i'm not gonna remember his name who's the author david sedaris yeah Who's really frigging funny. My wife always gets everything he writes. Yeah. Those are the guys that I envy now. I mean, I love standup, don't get me wrong, but to go to a, he reads his books in front of, you know, they do a reading in front of a live audience. Okay.

And it kills. Pitch in a theater. Right. You're at a podium. Nobody's fucking. The whole book? Not the whole book. Like a section right

but yeah a couple hours or whatever yeah okay they pay top dollar to see that right there's nobody ordering chicken fingers there's no table of girls with fucking dicks sticking off the top of their bachelorette hats all readers yeah they're hanging on every word yeah and fucking howling yeah so i guess i'm gonna have to do that i gotta write a book do you see what i'm saying though they're hanging on every word they're not fucking ordering drinks does that not sound Yeah. So I guess I'm going to have to do that. You got to write a book. Do you see what I'm saying, though? They're hanging on every word. They're not fucking ordering drinks. Does that not sound like a great way to make people laugh?

I mean, that's the ideal situation. Yeah. You know what I mean? If you can write a book. That's the only little bump in the road. Well, there's the other way, which I don't know. What other way? You get a taste of this.

Well, they say you draw what you talk about. Like your fans should be what you talk about. First of all, yeah, once you become a draw. Right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Which I'm happy because I'll look out. But I'm talking about when I go to the stand or in the city.

Right, when you're just dropping in. Yeah. That's different. You can't use that as the proper gauge. That's what sucks. No, but that's where you are three quarters of the year, developing your shit in front of these drunken fucking NYU students or whatever. Unless you're adding bits.

And then when you go to a room, unless you're a gaffigan or fucking burr or louis ck you're gonna sell out in five minutes and everybody there is there to see you yeah you know when you do your headlining the funny bone in denver you're still gonna get that table of fucking drunken broads half the crowd might be there to see you yeah you're gonna always have there could always be the bad table and that's on me for not being famous enough. But that's why, again, I'm going to sell Coke to school children. I feel like we skipped over the barbecue a little bit. Did you want to talk about that? We didn't even get to it. Yeah, we didn't even really get to that.

We veered out, but you mentioned. Comedian's cookout I had on Labor Day. Yeah, you haven't talked about that? No, I haven't brought it up. Did you do a podcast last week? I did one. I released it, but I did it a couple days before the cookout. Oh, you did it before.

And released it. It's a little showbiz trick. I talked about your barbecue on my podcast last week? I did one. I released it, but I did it a couple days before the cookout. Oh, you did it before. And released it. It's a little showbiz trick. I talked about your barbecue on my podcast. Did you really? Last week. I'm trying to remember what I said about it.

I didn't even talk to you much. That's what's so ironic. I had to even talk to you. Well, that's what happens when you're the... With the host. Yeah. I was behind the grill.

It's 119 Kelvin. You were sweating your balls off. I looked like I had malaria. People are coming over. Yeah, you were sweating your balls off. I looked like I had malaria. People are coming over. Boy, you're fucking... Look at a guy that had Hep C and he's working at McDonald's. It's just sweat was gushing. It was a hot day.

I was cooking my balls off like I was hosting The Chew. And it was awesome. 21, 22 people showed up. It was the perfect amount of people. Wasn't it? And everybody was having a good time. It was a very good time. It was awesome. 21, 22 people showed up. It was the perfect amount of people. Wasn't it? And everybody was having a good time. It was a very good time. It was perfect.

I was happy behind the girl, not having to talk to anybody. There was no one really there that you wouldn't want to talk to. No, everybody's nice people. Did you invite way more than that? No, that's what I invited. Yeah. That's what I invited. I'm trying to think who else did you invite that couldn't make it.

Anthony, Colmia, Louie, Amy. You know, names I know, they're going to be busy. Well, Kumi, I think, had his own barbecue that day. Somebody told me they were going to it. Well, I know. He said no. But then Keith, his guy, I should say Keith said, we can't make it. But then Keith texted me a week later saying, Anthony just said on air on Anthony's podcast that he's coming to your barbecue.

So I had him down for a yes. But I bet. He probably forgot his barbecue was the same day. Probably had strippers and shit. I'm over here playing with gnomes kids. Get in the paddle boat, Timmy. I mean, you cut to Anthony's house. You know, there's a Filipino girl peeing in the pool.

They're all laughing. My wife loves your house, by the way. That was her first time seeing it. I've been telling her. And my son's like, is Nick rich? I'm like, yeah, he does well. He goes, I'm not rich. Is he rich?

And I do theater middling. It's funny. He goes, how much does he make? He'll ask, like, specific questions. He's at this age now where he'll start to, like, about money yeah that russia shawna thing's getting to him how much what's his basement like said that yeah what's his basement like what's he got down there a bunch of dead kids is that what he said how much yeah how much does he make kids do that yeah how much does he make what are you talking about your house is a giant beautiful well this is you know

we got lucky dude you got like we got lucky what do you got two acres the people that were selling us were both dying how far does your how far does your land go back because i'm noticing it like curves and then it starts again i'm like i can't tell where it ends again we're on radio joe it's not going to help the audience but you know the other side of the pond is mine too right to the edge of that house and i told you across the street i of the pond is mine too. Right to the edge of that house. And I told you, across the street, I bought the woods. Yeah. And again, that was a silent auction that my wife found out about. I like the dye in your pond.

Yeah. I didn't mean to make it that blue. Your wife told us that you accidentally, or that you made it too blue on purpose or something. Not on purpose. By accident. She said that the bottle said like put a teaspoon in and you put like a no the fuck it is no no no the first time i used it right um first of all i wanted black you can order like different colors you could make the it black yeah it's

almost black naturally don't you like to keep the i I'm sorry. Don't like to keep what? The what? The black sound. I'm sorry. What kind of crack is that, Joe? What are you talking about? Is that... Let me ask you, were there black people at my cookout?

Yes, there were. Were there any at yours? No, the answer's no, unless they were cutting roast beef at the buffet table. You fucking... I wish I had the money that I had a roast beef cutter.

Excuse me. Joe lives in New Rochelle. I went to his cook-off. This one you could hear two blocks away. Give me back that chicken! It's true. Ray Rice is home,

by the way. Yeah. So, yes, it was fun. Robert Kelly, his wife, a lot of kids this year. Yeah, yes, it was fun. Robert Kelly, his wife. A lot of kids this year. Yeah, there were.

They're not coming back for five years. They're banned. And Colin Quinn, Dan Soda, Joe Liss, Marina Franklin. I should pull up the picture. Colin showed up with a girl, couldn't he? Colin, yeah. I don't know if that was his, if he's in a relationship. That's his girlfriend. Oh, yeah, for a long time. Oh, okay. That's pull up the picture. Colin showed up with a girl, couldn't he? Colin, yeah. I don't know if that was his... That's his girlfriend. Oh, yeah, for a long time.

Oh, okay. That's Jen Sochko. I worked with her at Chris Rock Show years ago. Gary Gullman and his girlfriend, Sade. Yeah. And Noam and his wife and kids. Rich and Bonnie. Rich and Bonnie.

Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane and their daughter. Rich gives me, like, you know, vegetarian sausage. Here and Bonnie. Rich and Bonnie. Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane and their daughter. Rich gives me like, you know, vegetarian sausage. Here's cookies. I go, you don't eat red meat? I'm like, fuck, I got that Jewish stomach. What's that mean? I don't know. He's got a sensitive stomach.

And then he takes out a picture of a cyst that they took out of his back. It was like in a jar. It looked like a piece of sashimi. It was this bright red chunk of meat. And then Bonnie gave me vegetarian burgers. Oh, they're real healthy? I didn't know that. They look like rubber. I know. They look like rubber dog

shit that you buy. Those vegetarian burgers. They've fallen apart on my grill. Well, boss is like 58 and he has abs. Like cut abs. Those days are going away. He still looks good, Rich. Because he doesn't eat anything. He doesn't eat that.

No, because he's got stomach problems. Man, that's a good thing to have. Who am I forgetting? I think... Marina Franklin. I mentioned Marina. Sade. Oh, Linda.

Linda the waitress. Linda the waitress from the cellar. From the comedy cellar. You had Jason. You had Joe List. Jason. Oh, Jason Cantor. Jason Cantor. Yeah. Joe List. Joe List. Jason, oh, Jason Cantor. Jason Cantor.

Yeah. Joe List. Joe List, who mentioned Aaron. Dan Soder. Yeah. We, we named the cook,

we named the cook a weak middles. Someone wrote under the picture you posted that Dan Soder has the worst body they've ever seen.

it was a bad picture. That's what I hate about that shit. I don't know why people take... And then fucking idiot comics and friends, you know, put it out on Twitter. It's like, what the fuck? Can you clear it with me first?

You know how pictures are. If the light's hitting you the wrong way, you look like you're 90. And it's over. Huh? And it's over. Because they think we're comedians. They think we can take it.

And then every time you say something back, they go... Oh, I know. Somebody fucking Twitter. I know somebody goes, yeah, something about something about unfunny jokes to your comedian friends. So I fucking blocked the guy. Because I'm a comedian. You call me unfunny.

You don't even know me, cocksucker. And of course, his brother tweets back. Oh, you blocked my brother. It's funny how you comics can't take a fucking joke i go where was the joke stupid i joke for a living you don't know the difference between an insult and a joke it was a stern fan naturally some of the dumbest fucking people on the face of the earth and i love the fucking show but as far as stand-up audiences the fucking worst yeah you know well i know? Well, I'll tell you, I got a taste. If you're not hitting a stripper in the ass with a giant salmon, you know, you're not funny.

I did get a taste of... Which I loved, by the way, when he did that. I told you off-air, but I opened for Sebastian Maniscalco up at Foxwoods. Yes. And I told him, like, I've worked... I've opened for a lot of guys and you see their fans and i told you and it could be annoying because they they come right when you're in a casino there's nowhere to hide if you're like a big name you know so they'll walk right up when you're

eating dinner and just want a fucking picture and an autograph you could be sticking food in your mouth and they walk right well if you're really big you have people blocking them i guess well yeah sebastian has no one he shows shows up with nobody and people coming up every two seconds. And I said to him, the one thing you got going for you, I said, I've opened for a lot of these guys. I go, you got people that are all like these sophisticated Italians from Italy that are coming up. They're not obnoxious, really. Yeah, but they're coming up while he's eating, Joe. So how sophisticated are they? That's true.

They sound like real fucking Gavons to me. You do have a point. Hey, Sebastian, spit out that ziti. I know we were eating. I apologize. I mean, fans are always going to be a little overbearing. Well, and the other thing is, how about eating somewhere private? You can hide.

Yeah, unless, I i mean he's enjoying his success he's what he's doing he's launching now he's not at that level he'll be doing madison square garden in a year i think well i might be exaggerating a little bit but i mean if you can you know it seems like quite a draw and with social media those guys that used to be a draw and stop at that level seem to blow it up even if they know what they're doing marketing-wise. That's true. You know? It was a fun weekend.

I bet it was. I'd like to meet the guy. Yeah, he's a good guy. You should have him on sometime. He's too big to come down here. Oh, he's not. He's a good guy. I've had him on my podcast before.

Oh, like I was saying, he should be here next week. Son of a bitch. What am I saying to myself? He goes to... Dude, going up in front of all Italians, it's like... I felt like a black comedian that gets the black audience. I'm like, this feels like cheating. Like, I never got to have all Italians in an audience.

It's a joke. I just stacked all my best Italians. What happens when he runs out of Italians and they've all seen him? What, does he go on to the Chinese? He writes. He's got new stuff every time. Of course he does. He has to.

Yeah. When you get, you know, to that level. People will come up and they go, he only did two bits from the special we saw. He sounds like he's ripe for a sitcom, even though they don't spend money anymore unless. They, they turn, they, he had a deal. It didn't get made. I couldn't believe it because he's red hot, but they didn't do it. Well, that won't be his last shot, I'm sure.

But enough about his success and more about my failure. Yeah. The hell else? Oh. But why I brought it up because you were talking about how you do some of these bits and sometimes they lay and you forget about them because you're practicing them at the stand. But this little notebook i found under the couch or whatever my draw is uh 1996 oh yeah no you're about right on that one

nursing homes artificial insemination insemination sorry don't apologize don't apologize do more girls only here's my bit about artificial insemination. You know, girls always say about guys, we only want one thing for them. Fucking who do they? They only want one thing from us. They can go to a store and get it now, these fucks. I go, you got the indigo girls pulling up in a minivan with a turkey baster and a Dixie cup yelling their order into a giant clown's face.

Welcome to Jackoff in the box. It's perfect. Can I take your order? Yeah, I'll have a white male, 5'11", IQ 200. Famine relief. Oh, this is when France wouldn't take... We were sending them relief food, the United States, and France wouldn't accept it

because they said it was genetically engineered or modified are you gonna tell me some kid chasing a water bug with a stick for lunch would turn down an apple because it was shaped like scotty pippen's head what the fuck what does that even mean i love your references they're great any reason why you're not wearing a seat belt oh this actually made it onto my special yeah Yeah, I've been driving since I was 16. And now I'm 40 and I've yet to go through the windshield. I developed that into something. Dentist. It's fucking bugs flying around in here.

Dentist. Oh, I went to a dentist in LA and it had a little plaque. It said the fillings that we use here contain mercury, which may cause birth defects. It was a little thing right in the dentist's office. And I'm like, yeah, next time I go back to the dentist, you bring your kid back like 10 years later and the dog's like, kids. The dentist goes, you can open your mouth and the kid's like which one because he's got two heads oh there's more to that you should be able to sell your old notebooks like guys can sell like all their old records you just fucking here's a you just show up with comedy notebooks then i

read an article about a horse that said the horse was overconfident. Some race horse. I go, what the hell the fuck? You show up the night before you go to a stable. It's a bunch of empty beer cans. He's got his hoofs up on a table watching Mr. Ed reruns. Yeah, put it all on me. Anyways, let's do a little sports, Joe.

I know you're a heterosexual and you still like that type of shit. Yeah, I was actually trying to arrange a guy's Monday night football night tonight to go to like... Have Lambert do it. He'll have Madonna over there. Fucking... I was trying to pick a sports bar in Westchester. I wanted to go watch the game, you know, just... Pick one in New Rochelle.

That's what I tried to do. It's fucking Rosh Hashanah. Everybody's like got something. It's ridiculous. All my non-Jewish friends are like. That's why it was so easy going into the city today. Yeah, everybody's off. I made it in record time.

In record time home. With the Waze app. See that? And it did. It had a little picture of a little rabbi on the Waze app. See that? And he did it. Had a little picture of a little rabbi on the Waze app showing him taking a right. But baseball-wise, Red Sox, yeah, sure. I know they're in last place, but let me tell you something.

Second half of the season, they get all these young guys who were doing exactly what we were told they were going to do the first half of the year. And Big Pappy hit a milestone. Let's listen. Ortiz to right field back goes susan looking up and it's gone david ortiz the newest member of the 500 club big pappy the greatest clutch hitter in red sox history adds to his resume with number 500 pretty goddamn impressive it's fun that's funny coincidence because my son was in the car on the way to your house yeah and i said you know maybe nick's gonna talk sports you

know i don't know if he's gonna talk to you or not maybe not because you'll probably want to play video games which is what he's doing but he was asking me how long can you play in baseball and i said as long as you can deliver you keep playing i said usually you become a designated hitter and then he asked about he asked about david ortiz he brought him up and he said how old is he and i was like shit i go if i have to guess he's 40 i think that's about right over 40 i should know that they mentioned it eight times this weekend i would i know i thought you would have known if he's i think that think that's about right. He still DHs. Yeah.

How long has he been the DH? Oh, forever. He's real skinny now. I saw him the other day. No, he isn't. He was skinny a couple years ago. He kind of put it back on. He's skinnier than he was.

Yes. When he was younger. Yeah. Because they showed him hit his hundredth. Yeah. And he was, you know, like chubby. He was fatter.

Yeah. Yeah. 500 homers. I didn't realize he was that much. And no juice. Somebody He was fatter, yeah. 500 homers. I didn't realize he was that much. And no juice. Somebody did a whole article and it wasn't a Boston writer. Somebody did a whole juice

saying how it's unfair to Big Papi because he's getting lumped into these steroid guys. And most of the guys on the list that hit 500 in the last 10 years. In the last 10 years, yeah. And he's sort of getting thrown into it. And his name, he's never. I was going to say,

how far down on the list of all-time home runs is 500 is he like 20th 30th he's 27th all-time all-time 27 yeah okay which is unbelievable when you think of the thousands and tens of thousands of guys who play major league baseball right i always think of mike schmidt because i'm a philly guy yeah schmitty he had in the 500 amazing yeah amazing because my son was asking me that's why we i told you off the air we were talking about gambling on sports my son asked me who my favorite baseball player of all time any team and you said and i actually said i go jesus it might be pete rose i said i might say pete rose i said and i i started explaining to him why he's kicked out of baseball. But I said

I just loved Pete Rose. I don't know. I have to love Charlie Hustle. Who was your favorite? My favorite player of all time? Baseball. And I'm going to surprise the hell out of you with this. And it has nothing to do with personality. It's just the way he played. Right.

Well that's why I like Pete Rose, the way he played. Ricky Henderson. Ricky Henderson. Just because of speed and power. Yeah. I had a little bit in JV. In high school, I got brought up for the last two games as a sophomore for varsity. The guy brings me up dressing, doesn't play me.

You wouldn't know what funny thing the type of coach he was. But, you know, I had speed and I could hit a little bit for power. Oh, I didn't even know you played baseball. Yeah, but my shoulders, my goddamn right shoulder from football. Was all fucked up. Yeah, it was hard to throw without serious pain. I just told the coach, I'm just playing football. Let me just draw my shoulders playing football.

But I could, you know, I could. What career milestones did Ricky Henderson get to? He had to have stolen bases. Does he have the most? Well, I don't know if anybody's passed him since, but he did. Let's think. Remember, he held up the base. He goes, I'm the greatest of all time.

He had some hateable things, and I'm trying to remember what they are, though. I remember him being on the Yankees and being kind of douchey. Well, yeah. No, he was always cocked. I mean, announcing that you're the greatest of all time number one yeah but you know he's a little crazy yeah a little and uh hell of a football player but but i just as a baseball player i'm talking about speed leading off he still has a record for most lead-off home runs I think. I know he held that at one time. Just as a combination. You know?

Right. I fucking, I love that. And then, you know who else? Right behind him. Almost neck and neck. Chipper Jones. Chipper Jones. Chipper Jones. Looked like he was born in a baseball uniform.

Chipper Jones. Jesus. Huh? Yeah. He was one of those guys. You just couldn't get him out. Couldn't get him out. Great feel.

Made it look too easy. Yeah. Just a natural. Yeah. He looked like he was born in a goddamn baseball uniform yeah he's got that all-american josh hamilton thing you know yes just like they look like you're just yeah like lou gehrig kind of like lou gehrig like you know um boog powell you know i mean just all-american like harman killebrew. Like Roger Moret. You know, all Americans. Louis Tiant.

Louis Tiant. My wife was watching a, and he's on the Mets now, is Bartona. Cologne, who I love. My wife goes, he's an athlete? It's unbelievable. And a good one. He's having a great season. I go to guys, he looks like a mess.

They had to check his piss, too. Jesus. he's turned 52 on wednesday there's no muscle he's just like a fat guy i know but always liked him and he never gets mad at the umps you ever notice no he'll throw him right down the middle the guy i call it but he never loses his temper just like he's having a good time and i've seen the last couple weeks he's got like three hits oh yeah he's been yeah he's been hitting i noticed i just love that guy he doesn't look like an athlete i just fucking love that guy yeah i'd like i'd like to see that because the phillies are so out of it your red socks are so out of it who would you like to see win the world series this year um can you root mets uh yeah i can actually i'm a closet kind of a closet uh underdog i never hated a team more

than after 1986 in the meds they were so arrogant i hated them for years right like but i told this before then i moved to astoria queens piazza just happened to be on the team my subway was eight minutes away to the shade to shea stadium oh you went to yeah i'd pop up there when i was bored and you know and i kind of became kind of quiet. Secretly. Yeah. I mean, they've been so snake bit in the last 10 years. And I think this manager is really, Collins doesn't get enough, Terry Collins doesn't get enough credit.

And, boy, they could. They're hot right now. They could do it, man. They could frigging do it. The Cardinal, I'm telling you, Mets are red hot. I hope they're not peaking too soon. Well, my whole wife's family roots Mets. You're like me.

I'm an American League guy. I was going to say, I'm national. So I used to root Yankees a lot when I first moved to Astoria, like you. Because my roommate, which I probably told on your podcast, I didn't know him at all. He wasn't a comedian, but he worked for the American League, and he used to get tickets front row. I mean front row, third base, and I'm going to Yankee games all the time.

And they made the playoffs. 95 is when I moved to Astoria, Queens. They're in the playoffs. I get to go to that. They lost. I forget who knocked them out of the playoffs. Might have been the Oakland A's. And then the next year they win the World Series

and I got to go to a lot of games that year. So I started to become a real Yankee fan. Even my brother who's from Philly, he started becoming a Yankee fan. Don't do that though. That's like Johnny. He's not anymore though, but there was a time I brought my son.

Not my son. My brother's nine years younger. It feels like he's my son. I brought him to his first Yankee game. And it was the first Yankee game my brother ever went to was when Dwight couldn't pitch to no hitter. So that can make you a fan the first time you go to Yankee, the old Yankee Stadium, too.

You see a no-hitter. Wasn't it a perfect game? No. He just threw a perfect game, no hitter. Who is going to be? Toronto is scary. There's a lot of good teams. Toronto is scary offensively.

I'm excited about the Sox next year, though. All these young guys are just all of a sudden hitting the piss out of the ball. But, yeah, Toronto, I don't know. Who's in the central? I'm clueless until the playoffs start, and then I start watching. When your team is so far out like the Phillies, I just start falling off. I start waiting for football to start. And it did start, folks.

Which is why I'm meeting the Eagles play the Falcons tonight. Tonight, Eagles, Falcons. And, again, I'm an NFL always i but college football is my thing yeah and and i've been an nfl fan forever i i just i sort of grew out of i just get tired of i don't know it's just it's become you know but the game last night giants dallas unbelievable exciting but exciting. But my point is, if you follow college football and you know who the teams are, you can pick, you know, there's 300 games on a Saturday, right? You can pick and guarantee yourself. When you see Michigan State and Oregon number seven versus number five,

it's going to be a fucking game. It's going to be a killer game. It's never a blowout. It's never. I watched, and I know how to pick them now. I haven't seen a bad game. Opening, the first game I watched this year was BYU at Nebraska. I'm like, how is that going to be a bad game?

BYU plays everybody tough. At Nebraska, that ends on a Hail Mary for BYU quarterback. Throws a Hail Mary. I think he's a freshman in their quarterback. Yeah, they win the game on a Hail Mary for BYU quarterback. Throws a Hail Mary. The guy catches it? I think he's a freshman in their quarterback. Yeah, they win the game on a Hail Mary. So listen to this. Yeah, you do see that more in college. So I'm watching BYU again, right?

This week. Where's all the... That's why I need a fucking... I have the whole schedule here. Who the hell is fucking BYU? Oh, Boise State. How many weeks in are they? I'm so clueless.

I don't watch college football. You're exciting me. You're making me want to watch it. What are they, weeks? This is the second week. Second week. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Second or third, whatever. They're playing Boise State, who I love. That might be my favorite college team, Boise State. Boise State. Yeah. Nobody takes them serious. And they beat Oklahoma like in the fucking Orange Bowl a few years ago and really put them on the map.

Now they're in the top 20. They're ranked in the top 20. So they're playing BYU. I'm like, how is this going to be a fucking bad game? Okay, this is how this one ends. Again, reminding you, BYU ends it on a Hail Mary. This is this week against Boise State. Magnum is the quarterback.

Here's the game. Fourth and seven. Same quarterback from last week. From what yard line? Midfield? Yeah. A little closer, but... Pressure from behind.

Mangum flips it into the end zone. We've seen this before Touchdown BYU I pulled it off YouTube It's some stupid sound effect Does it again He says flips it

Does it again He didn't flip it He said flipped it I know he did Like he dished it I know Bad call Threw a bomb

Threw a fucking bomb Threw a bomb And there was four defensive backs around this guy. And he just jumps over everybody and catches them. They just banged into each other and fell down. He's backpedaling. It lands right in his eye. Two weeks later.

So I picked that game. The other game, I think I watched Notre Dame and Virginia. Because it's at Virginia, right? It's their opening. You record all these games, don't you? Because you work on Saturday nights. Exactly. I'm doing shit during the day.

Right. You know? And here's how this one ended. Notre Dame, Virginia. Virginia's unranked. Notre Dame's in the top, whatever. Toward the end zone. Touchdown. that's the backup quarterback for Notre Dame that throws a bomb with about 20 seconds left to put him ahead one foot in bounds is all you need in the here's the story behind that their quarterback is malik zaire the notre

dame this left-hander black kid who can run and throw he's the best thing i've seen in years he's gonna be i'm like this kid is gonna win the heisman i'm watching two weeks in a row and he's doing so many unbelievable things this week i i go to i told the story on jimmy and opie this morning i go to sit down to email my brother. I go, have you seen this Notre Dame quarterback? I sit down at my desk as the game is on. I look up. A guy falls on his ankle and snaps it.

As I'm about to type an email to my brother about this kid. Out for the season. Thing snapped like, and it was graphic. And he was a freshman, you said? I don't know if he's a freshman or not. Jesus. He might be. But he can scramble, throw, just the most exciting.

Just a lefty, too. Just an unbelievable athlete. And I'm about to tell my brother about him. Snap. So they bring this kid in. You know, this kid comes in. He's really the third string. The starter for Notre Dame transferred this year because he knew this kid comes in he's really the third string the starter for notre dame transferred

this year because he knew this kid was so good he could see the writing on the wall they said or whatever okay and uh so this is so the guy they bring in the second string is really the third string he and he throws this bomb to beat virginia and but this is the type my point is this is why i watch college football you can see i saw at least five games as exciting this weekend as the Dallas Cowboys. And you'd have to watch 40 NFL games to see. Yeah, they're all bad. Not to mention the cheerleaders are 20. CBS has the upshot of this.

I'm going to give you my fans out there because I love you so much. Do yourself a favor and Google Oregon cheerleaders, Oregon football cheerleaders. Really? They're unbelievable? Dude, it's like being in an audition in L.A. for a suntanning commercial. You have never seen so much. It's Google Oregon cheerleaders.

It's funny that you mentioned oregon because you're a college guy like i was going to ask you um you probably followed marcus mariotta a lot then oh yes now did did he start yesterday uh yeah he did he started he had he had a fair game he had four touchdown passes did he really yeah he looked unbelievable for tennessee i didn't get to see it. See, I got to watch SportsCenter. But before we go to the NFL, let me just, and here's some of the games. Well, Notre Dame's always fun to watch.

Jacksonville State. Yeah, because they play tough teams. They play a brutal schedule, Notre Dame. It's like a Penn State. They're always good. Jacksonville State. Shit-bump team, right? They're playing Auburn.

Number six Auburn. At Auburn. Okay? Auburn, at Auburn. Okay? It had to go into overtime. Had to go into overtime for Auburn to beat Jacksonville State. Really? Everybody was shocked at that. How about that?

Notre Dame, I told you, 34-27 in the last play of the game. And these are some of the games. Oklahoma, Tennessee, this is one I watch. That ended in double OT. Tennessee had like a 17-point lead like in the third quarter. Don't they do sudden death in college? I'm so clueless here. Oh, you get a chance to get it.

Yeah. Okay. I knew that. And then here you go. How about Toledo? Toledo was like a 1AA Toledo's like a one double A school. They beat number 18 Arkansas at Arkansas this week. This is the shit that.

Right. In Boise State, BYU, I played that like the last clip. Oh, then you had Oregon, number seven Oregon at Michigan State, number five. How was that? That is a delicious. I could not wait for that fucking game i mean it's just still and that how did that end that was decided in the last few minutes michigan 31 oregon 28 i mean just and i love the nfl don't get me wrong i'm just saying if you like football

i don't understand people go i i love the nfl i don't give a shit about call if you like the sport i don't understand how that wouldn't translate. I think it's like, I can compare it to this maybe with music, how some people aren't savvy enough to listen to a song that they never heard of and say that's a good song. It has to be a hit and then you know it, or you need to know the person singing it to want to hear it. People don't know who all the athletes are in a college game.

There's a lot of no-name guys playing. I don't know. But I don't know, everybody. When I watch the NFL, I used to. You? When I was a kid. You were a football player, too. So it might translate to you in a stronger way.

You played college football. I know. But even after I played college back then, I was an NFL guy more than college. You know what I mean? Even right after college. Right. I mean, I then, I was an NFL guy more than college. You know what I mean? Even right after college. Right. I mean, I just get tired of the NFL. Every punt and every kickoff, there's a penalty flag.

I've been bringing this up for 10 years now, whether I was on radio or whatever. They have to change that rule. Howard Cosell said this back in the early 80s. He put a statistic out during one game. back in the early 80s. He put a statistic out during one game. I remember him going, 68% of the plays, kicking plays,

whether a kickoff or punt, there's a penalty in the NFL. That was the worst co-sell I banged. I didn't even do them. I forgot. I was making a point. I'm very tired. I've been up very early. Yeah, you had a...

68%! There you go. But the point was, he goes, that means the rule is wrong. And he's right. They have to change the rule. Every fucking punt and kickoff is a push in the back. Am I right, Joe? Oh, yeah.

I can't stand it. And then the referees. His other thing is bugging him about the NFL. And they graze him. It's like they grazed his shoulder or something. Come on. Yeah, it's all skewed for offense. Defensive backs, if you look at a guy wrong, they throw a flag now, right?

And the other thing is a guy jumps off sides. The referees have to get together and talk about it for a minute before they... Do you ever notice that? They have to discuss a fucking off-sides call for five minutes. Pick up the flag and mark off the fucking ball. You're Titlis Wonder, yeah? What is the long discussion i've gotta do things later

please please make a decision let one guy decide nobody will make a decision you're hitting it right on the head you're hitting it right on the hell heart how i if they take this long i'm not going to be able to not say something racist in the dead air of this game look at the little monkey run racist he calls his little he called his nephews and nieces that but they were black to be fair howard racist i like He's one of my favorites because I love him. But I still, don't get me wrong. I can't wait for tonight. Right.

You know? I'm with you. I have that feeling with Little League Baseball. Now the way they run it on ESPN. I like it better than watching pro baseball. Because you don't know who they are. They're kids. There's probably something.

Unless you're Jerry Sandusky, then you know them all. Height, weight, and foot size. Foot size. I know what that means. That's a good one. Yeah, but maybe that's another reason why college football can be more exciting because there's mistakes. You don't know what's going to happen.

There's more emotion. There's less mistakes. There's less mistakes. There's less penalties. It's less mistakes. There's less penalties. It's a cleaner game. Do you feel that the crowd has more emotion, too? Of course. First of all, they're playing in front of way bigger crowds than the pros are.

Everybody goes to school there. It's just there's more of a connection. Tennessee has 110,000, 112,000 at the game. Yeah. You know what I mean? I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame a few years ago in cleveland i don't see how this relates this is how it relates they were they were airing uh you two did a concert in buenos aires and bono threw three times in three through two buenos aires argentina yeah okay 3d the concerts in 3d and you can watch it

on this imax screen in the rock and roll Hall of Fame and I mean the people are going so ape shit. There's so much more emotion from people from Argentina than when you see a rock concert here. They just get into it more and I think college sports has that a little bit. Artie used to hate, he goes, I don't like all the rah-rah

shit. Really? What does that, what do you mean, like the marching band? I don't watch them at halftime. You know what right i i never understood what he meant by that but uh people do rah-rah pro sports oh yeah but i'm just saying it's a cleaner game amount of people can create some yeah absolutely but my other point is who tries who do you think's trying harder somebody who wants to be in the NFL someday? Or somebody who's making a zillion dollars and doesn't matter if they get beat 40 to nothing? Well, that too.

And as a fan watching, you're going, this guy, he's trying to make it. He's trying to make the pros. And most of them do make it. My other point is to say, you wouldn't have loved to seen Lawrence Taylor when he was 20 years old? In his physical peak in college? Do you know what I mean? That's who you're looking at. Half of Miami and half of Florida State,

they get drafted every year, 14 guys. Right. That's what I love about it. You're watching these guys, and they're not dinged up yet. Their bodies are still fresh. And the cheerleaders. Did I mention the cheerleaders?

You really like that? Oregon, folks. Oregon cheerleaders.com. I think of you every time I go to the Starbucks by my house because it's next to the all-girls private high school. Oh, that's too young. I'm not that sick. No, you are.

I mean... Bullshit. You came to my house. You said... A couple middle schools. You said you had a stiff neck because you couldn't stop turning your neck when you were driving by the... There was a joke.

There was nobody out there. Oh, there are. I'm saying it as a fact. I'm standing in the starbucks fucking smash his fucking face in it's fucking 12 i don't know all right you want to plug some gigs like a pedophile now we got your kid upstairs he's probably taking a dump behind my couch kid's got my fucking phone with my dates in it where am i this weekend probably in your kitchen being yelled at by your wife. I'm doing some private gig in Buffalo. I'm not going to promote that.

Go to Joe. You're not? Do people want to hear about it? They can't go to it anyway. All right. Go to JoeMatterese.com. Follow me on Twitter at TheJoeMatterese. Follow me on Facebook at TheJoeMatterese.

And listen to the Fixing Joe podcast. the Joe Mattarese and listen to the Fixing Joe podcast. If you like Nick and I together, you can hear my podcast with just me or whoever my guests are. And Nick's on that one a lot, too. So go check it out. Joe Mattarese dot com. It's on iTunes and all the same places. Jesus fucking Christ.

We heard you. What are you kidding me? Is that a long time? Wayne Newton doesn't have that many plugs. Joe Mattarese dot com. I'll be at Uncle Skidmark's in buffalo and then kenny g's denver i'll be in mcgooby's joke house next month and i'll also be at the laughing skull in atlanta i'm doing tit twisters and sacramento i'll be at laugh boston this weekend thursday friday and saturday come out and see me my hometown it's

always a great time the following week on the 25th and 26th, I'll be at Governor's in Levittown. And the big one, folks. And please come out to see. Because I want to do this theater many times. The Gramercy Theater in New York City. On October 17th. It's a Saturday night.

I'll be in rare form. Because I've been on vacation a week before. And be very rusty. And that's when I'm at my funniest. When shit doesn't fly right. You'll want to see that see that end up getting a wrestling match with some fat chick um what else um a couple of benefits also sports haven in new haven connecticut on the 24th of october that's enough plugs uh joey thank you so much thanks for having me. And I think we touched on it all, didn't we? Yep.

I don't know. I thought I had something else. I always do this. Thought you had something else after the plugs? Yeah. Like what? I don't know. Some sort of nice little summarizing.

I had something else I wanted. Oh, here it is. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Nice sweet way to end it. Here's me and my mother getting in a fight at my sister's birthday party. Got a boss here.

Good, maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him. Great, my own mother. Fuck you, you fucking whore. All right, kids, that's it. Have yourselves a good day. We'll talk to you soon. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple.

Fuck you! Fuck you! I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself Perhaps after all That is what love means And that is why I love you Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.