The Nick DiPaolo Show - 101 - Me and Cannabis

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

101 - Me and Cannabis

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi kids, how you with? How you with? This episode of the Nick DiPaolo Podcast brought to you by AdamandEve.com Let me ask you a question, are you getting enough? I bet you'd love more, right? Who wouldn't? Well, AdamandEve.com let me ask you a question are you getting enough i bet you'd love more right who wouldn't well adam and eve.com wants to give you more with 10 free gifts first you'll get a sexy surprise for her secondly a specially selected toy for him and third a little something we know

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sexy piece of lingerie, or anything you desire? Maybe a celery stick. Just enter the offer code Nick at checkout, and you'll get all 10 free gifts. Go check out adamandeve.com today. Select one item and get 10 free gifts, including free shipping, when you enter offer code Nick. That's N-I-C-k at adamandeve.com how are you kids what's going on lots going on is the pope finally gone so i can get back to my regular tv schedule you know trying to watch uh judge judy reruns and uh i got him going through

central park uh waving to people who were standing there for like 14 hours. I might do that for Jagger, Bono, but I don't know. And I'm supposed to, I was brought up Roman Catholic,

but I think we've discussed that, kind of bailed on that like seventh grade. I told you the day I bailed on church. My mother, we got in a big fight

because me and my brother didn't want to go to church and then she took the wooden spoon and I put my forearm up and it broke over my forearm. You know, I didn't even blink. And then she tried to throw a backhander

and I ducked and her hand turned purple immediately. I remember that like it was yesterday. And that was it. She didn't, after that, she didn't even try to get us out of bed on Sunday.

Oh, whatever. That was it. Breaking her best spoons over her son's arms and heads. And that was it. No more church for me. That's all I had to do was stand up to her. But what the hell's going on?

I was at Governor's this weekend. One of my favorite haunts. Guy named James is one of the owners. I've talked about this guy on the show before. He's the guy who has another club called The Brokerage. And I was standing out front one night, and there was a bird's nest up in the awning. His son pointed it out. He said, hey, Dad, there's a bird's nest up there.

And he said, get the bleach. Like an old school Italian. He's got the $2,000 suit on. He's standing in front of his comedy club. Just love him. Guy is as funny as anybody I've ever met. And I had a great time at Governor's. Thank you for coming out, folks.

Appreciate it. And again, can I just say this? When you do come out to see me, shut off the fucking phones. This goes out to girls because I think I've told two guys in the last two years to shut off their phone during the show, maybe 2,500 girls. And that's no exaggeration. Not slanting the numbers by any means. Just saying.

If girls are somewhere where they can't talk out loud, then the natural next, the default step is what? Texting. And they just can't fucking then you tell them to shut off the phone they just look at you and giggle like i'm 22 and i wouldn't fuck you uh my last day on earth so you can't tell me to do anything you know and uh whatever just shut them off because we don't know we look out there you we see your face lit up number one it's rude number two if you've got an ugly face.

Number two, we don't know what you're doing. Not that it matters, because they're supposed to be shut off anyways if you had an ounce of fucking manners. But we don't know. You might be recording the show, which people do. Guy did it to me in Connecticut last year. Come home and clip one of my bits and it's on YouTube. And then the material is burnt so

that's why we get upset so you know it doesn't make us assholes it makes you assholes for having your phone on and then instead of just shutting it off coming up with some excuse but uh what are you gonna do it's the world we live in i know what i'm gonna to go over fucking retire, sell crystal meth to young children in the Long Island Shirley area. Anyways, Bainer resigned. I'm not going to get into heavy, heavy details about that. But if you're a real conservative, I know you're happy about it. I mean, that and his incessant crying is really disturbing, isn't it? You see him standing behind the Pope, bawling his eyes out.

That would make a hell of an actor. But yeah, he stepped down. He's stepping down at the end of October. He had planned on doing it uh earlier than uh when eric canter lost that changed his plan so he stayed on but anyways he's stepping down at the end of october and i think it's a good look the people uh the hardcore conservatives and the republican party um they're happy because it just seems like that him and mcconnell don't put up a fight anytime obama wants to pass something that's very you know goes against everything that the establishment stands

for um and you know obama goes well if you guys you know i'll just veto it and and and and bayner and mcconnell just what they do is just okay we won't even put up a fight he's gonna veto it anyway but people on the right want you to put up a fight and make it look like you're fucking trying on their behalf you know and if uh if you're on the right side of the argument and the president veto something then he looks like a dick and let's start with the shutting down the government thing okay that that's a big shutting down the government is no big deal people start to oh it'll make the republicans look bad and shit that's such horseshit they leave the essential job the essential jobs in the government stay open okay because i read in the paper somewhere

the government has been shut down over 20 times since uh what was, 1986 or something like that? Okay, and gee, did anybody even notice? So what the fuck? Anyways, when Boehner announced that, there were a couple of clips of conservative groups. Marco Rubio was speaking to some conservatives when Bain made the announcement and uh the place broke out until I mean real applause I don't know look I don't get that deep into it folks I mean uh he's been in there a while and

you know the Republicans did take back the house and the senate have like huge majorities now so it wasn't all bad but uh i agree with the real right wingers that this fucker doesn't put up a fight mcconnell's the one who's got to go the guy with no chin or excuse me get them both out of there and then replace him with somebody real right wing like and like i said there's nobody right wing out there far enough right for me after the seven years of this guy in office, I want somebody to the right of, you know,

I don't even, I can't even, you know, somebody far, far right just to balance it all out. But Bain is stepping down at the end of October.

But David, he used to go and meet the press and David Gregory, now David, that's not true. What he said was, he's a true. Well, he said that. He's a hard-drinking guy, and, you know,

he's an impressive guy, how he came up. His parents owned a bar in Ohio or whatever, or wherever. And, you know, you never hear about that. You only hear about Obama's upbringing and how far he's come. I'm sure. Tremendous resistance. A biracial student at Harvard.

I'm sure he had to fucking fight to have his voice heard, huh? Get out of my ass. But that was the big political news, I guess. And like I said, until McConnell gets out of there, then we can really fucking celebrate. That being said yeah um oh there was another funny clip uh did you see carly fiorina who i like and she was on one of the sunday morning shows chuck todd meet the press it's so funny how they get their panties in a but was it chuck todd or was it i can... I can't keep my two shows straight

because they're both such a fucking farce on Sunday morning this week with Martha fucking Raddatz. When she's going to run... That horrible fucking voice of hers. But Carly Fiorina was on with Chuck Todd on Meet the Press. And it's just so funny.

Chuck Todd and the other and and the other show when martha raddatz or stephanopoulos is hosting they they they pick up their intensity when they're questioning somebody on the right they can't even fucking hide it it's so funny and uh yeah martha raddatz so whatever let's call her martha radish she's just a fucking she's she can't even hide she's too she's not even bright enough to hide it just fucking arguing at the top of her lungs um so oh yeah fiorina was giving a speech i don't know when it was yesterday or today or whatever uh i just saw the clip but the curtain fell down behind her. It was falling. People panicked. It sounded like when the Hindenburg crash.

People are, oh, the humanity. It was fucking hilarious. That's got to be embarrassing, you know? You're out there touting, touting about, you know, how efficient you were running a huge company like hewlett-packard and whatever even though she doesn't set up the curtain but i'm just saying if i'm her after that i'm scolding whoever fucking set it up that just doesn't look good imagine if obama when he was given that speech when he first got uh elected remember with the big columns behind him if those things fucking

tipped over oh it would have been so perfect uh so that's the big political stuff i guess trump uh his his lead has been cut he's in a virtual tie with dr ben carson in some polls so apparently ben carson's so-called anti-muslim stance really hurt him huh which i love it just proves that people have had enough of this silly politically correct horse shit he had to defend himself again that's he was on with mother fucking radish what you said dr carson you said i would not advocate putting a muslim in the white house those are your exact words and i love uh ben carson he goes well why don't you read the paragraph before that he goes I notice you he goes I notice you guys don't do that very often oh and did she

get her fucking soiled giant old lady bloomers in a bunch fucking radish head but you didn't say that exactly shut up thank you you fucking wrinkled hoe. Anyways, that's about it politically. Trump. So Carson and Trump.

Yeah, that's the big news, too, that they're like in a dead heat. So Trump lost a little ground and I expect this again. I don't know that he's going to be the nominee, but he's good for the process. That's all I'm saying. Even if it all ended for him tomorrow, I think it's great. He's keeping these other people, these other career politicians. They just look so don't they just look so stagnant and phony and plastic and it's just, you know, they're trying to step up their game jeb bush i think he's in deep shit he's like going the other way in the polls of course he's got a trillion dollars to spend here's my thing i think i might have said it on the last show rubio and fiorina is my ticket

if you really want to clinch this thing i know it's early in the game but rubio this guy he's a young guy he's in his 40s dead serious he eats this shit up he's really bright and you got the hispanic background and you throw cali fiorina in there now you get the chicks covered i mean all you need is a puerto rican midget in a wheelchair and we will win this thing in a lands, you motherless, titless wonders. Are you with me? Yeah! All right, I will. Thank you. Is that it politically? That's all I can think of, I guess.

I don't know. You got Hillary lying on national TV still. Like I said, if she had a penis, she would be kicked out of the race by now. But we have such a hard-on for you know for identity politics in this country and we have the young black fella as the president now we have to get a chick in there so they're gonna do their best but they keep finding more shit or their emails and they were classified she just, she was on with her new persona. Oh, God. Just as plastic as a fucking Lego set. That stupid smile on that.

She did that cackly laugh again, that hyena laugh that she does. It's like, I almost feel bad for her. She's so uncomfortable. I'd say in her own skin, but she doesn't know what her own skin is. That's what makes her so uncomfortable. She's been a chameleon for the last 40 years in politics. She doesn't know who the fuck she is.

It's like when you take a little kid at a birthday party and you blindfold them and spin them around, you know? And then you make them lean over a broomstick. You know that fucking trick? That's what she's like. She has no idea who she is uh she was on the morning shows and i just can't whole different tone when they're talking to her it's so funny it really is um uh what the hell else the uh let's stick with um this is you know comes out of the category of politics, I guess, but it's just, again, the loony fucking left. Do you hear about this chick, Sarah Levy?

Oh, yeah, she's an artist, and she used her menstrual blood and a tampon to paint a nice portrait of Donald Trump in protest of candidates' outrageous remarks, remember? She's still pissed about the Megyn Kelly thing. This story broke a couple weeks ago, but still cracks me up. What colleges are churning out these fucking left-wing liberal fucking psychopaths? What's the connection with Jewish girls? And I'm going out on a limb. Her name is Sarah Levy. What's the connection with Jewish girls? And I'm going out on a limb. Her name is Sarah Levy.

What's the connection with Jewish girls and feminists? They seem to always be at the forefront of the feminist movement. I don't know what that is. If somebody can explain it to me.

Yeah, I know they're very smart and whatnot, but real ball busters, aren't they? Portland, Oregon. She's going to auction off this painting that she did with her own period blood. I call it a period piece.

Don't you? Sure you do. And she's going to auction that off to raise money for like immigrants rights organizations. Imagine. This broad looks like she's in her 20s okay can you imagine she wakes up with all the weight of the world on her shoulders with sexism and racism and misogyny do you ever have a good day sarah when's the last time you fucking blew some guy and just took a nice nap huh have you ever had a good day

this huh just just a victim just uh every guy you look at sexist and here's a song i'm gonna dedicate this song to you all the feminists out there who's so confused yeah she did that she painted it it's actually pretty good too if you see the artwork go online you know if you could just get it out of your mind that she did it with her It's actually pretty good, too. If you see the artwork, go online. You know, if you could just get it out of your mind that she did it with her period blood. That might keep you from hanging it in your living room.

She collected her blood in a diva cup by the way uh yeah she collected her blood in something called a diva cup and painted the painting with the tampon i wonder if she did it like that i remember that guy what was his name remember the guy with the afro uh i forget he was like a former vietnam bet you know the guy i'm talking about he had the old he had that painting show on pbs and i wonder if she did it like that yeah and you could you can you can put a maple tree here and and put a mountain here because in your world this is your world and uh you can put it look at, you can put a sexist asshole on top of the mountain. And over here you can put a racist bigot hiding in his outhouse in Oklahoma. And she actually looks kind of like Anne Hathaway. She's kind of cute, but what girl in their 20s isn't?

I'm guessing she's in her 20s. She couldn't become that much of a fucking bitch if she was in her teens, could she? Of course she could. But she collected it in a diva cup. Remind me to get my wife one of those. Get her a diva bowl. She was offended about the whole Donald Trump, Megyn Kelly exchange. Remember when Donald said she had blood coming out of her eyes, her ears, everywhere. Donald Trump, uh, Megyn Kelly exchange. Remember when Donald said, uh, she had blood coming out of everywhere, her eyes, her ears, everywhere, you know,

and we know what he meant. And, um, which makes me love him even more for being that stupid. Uh, but, uh, you know what, uh, yeah, she's just, she's got the weight of the world on her eyes. Um, by the way, Trump was right about the was right about the Megyn Kelly thing, I think,

because I think she was. Megyn was having her period that night. And you're like, well, how do you know that, Nick? Well, I've been tracking her cycle for three years. I have a pie chart over my bed. Okay, it's getting a little creepy. Yeah, it's like watercolor, she said. Can you friggin' imagine?

I can imagine. I'm going to... I guess I'll reveal this now. I've been saving up my feces. I'm going to do a finger painting of Hillary in about a month or so. Absolutely. You think it's a good idea? I've been saving it up,

not in a diva cup. I've been using a, you know, an ice cream bowl. I put saran wrap over it and I put it in the fridge. And yeah, I'd say about, I'd say a couple more trips to Chipotle and I'll have enough to do Hillary's big giant mouth and I'm going to finger painting and then I'm going to auction it off to raise money for Confederate flags because I think

we have a shortage in this country. That's what i'm going to put my money towards and um and i hope it doesn't uh offend anybody out there you know i mean but uh so uh props to sarah levy for just yeah how does she get like that? Huh? Imagine? That's a lot of blood too, isn't it? I mean, and that is no joke. I'd hate to be a woman and have to go through that every month,

but I remember when I was younger, I had sex with a girl who didn't tell me it was that time of the month. Christ, I thought I was going to find a horse's head at the end of my bed. It was horrible. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That was me, screaming into the night at Androscarging Hall. I'm up in May. True story.

I'll never forget that night Mink Thought I hit an artery I like big tits Sarah Levy. Goes out to Sarah. That's right. What else is in the news, my friends? The Pope.

The Pope finally gone. I don't know. I'm starting to warm up to him. How can you like a guy? I mean, that's his, you know, I mean, that's his mission just to spread love. It's hard not to like him. Unless it's somebody, a guy like Sting trying to do it through his music. But the Pope made some cracks uh he told a joke he was talking

about we have to look over the you know something about children and loving but then he made a mother-in-law joke which got a it got like a nice i would have uh if he was in the last comic standing i think he would have been like a finalist he kind of liked the guy i know look he doesn't know about capitalism and that shit because uh all he knows is argentina capitalism which is like crony capitalism and that's how he thinks what we do over here and there's a little bit of that but not the extent that he was exposed to it so yeah and he should mind his business about uh about climate change. You know? But it was funny.

He was in Central. They had him in Central Park for like an hour. I was expecting when he come out of there, I was expecting to see like graffiti all over the side of his hat and maybe one of the ties slashed on his Popemobile. It is cool that he drives around in a little Fiat though. Gets good gas mileage.

You know? At least he walks the walk. He's not like Leonardo DiCaprio, who flies around the globe preaching climate change as he's fucking putting more carbon emissions into the air than China on a fucking bad week. But the Pope, yeah. St. Dominic always said, Ophelia me bony belly, Dominus for bisque,

Benny selling all his dominoes. Still cracks me up. But yeah, but here's the thing about the Pope that was bugging me. The guy's 78 years old, right? They say he's up every morning at 4 a.m. to start his prayers,

which is like my mother. My mother gets up at 5. She might as well be a fucking fisherman her whole life. My mother gets up at 5, which doesn't bother me until I go home and stay there for a couple days. I'm trying to sleep on the couch downstairs, and she's up and down the stairs. Like, fucking, she just did a nice bag

of crank i don't know what she's doing at 5 a.m she's 78 god bless her but probably praying but the pope back to the pope 78 years old and this son of a gun he's up at 4 a.m and then he's they get him speaking at uh you know some church in harlem and and then he's in central park and then he's doing a mass at Madison Square Garden. Meanwhile, I'm laying on the couch knowing I have to drive to Levittown, which is about 58 miles away, to do one show on Friday night. I did two Saturday, but I remember just going, oh, I don't feel like doing this. Can you imagine?

25 years younger than the Pope, and this guy, I don't know if he's doing a little toot. You know, I mean, they got the wine back this guy i don't know if he's doing a little toot you know i mean they got the wine back that you don't know and again he's a latin american you know he's probably got a connection some nice pure shit i thought i saw him grinding his teeth when he was in philly last night but probably uh he's probably reading about the eagles offense i don't know but he looked fucking pissed but the energy seriously man i guess when you believe in what you're doing for a living and you have convictions and principles that uh you know but that is pretty amazing to keep that schedule that just it just amazes me didn't see him nodding off either i don't get the popemobile i i i understand the old one the

old popemobile which you know the guy was fully enclosed he looked like the game trouble remember you push that plastic uh everybody's made that reference a thousand times i'm sure but i'm just saying this this popemobile shows a little more faith in his religion because the both sides are open if somebody wanted to take a shot god forbid you know i mean uh this guy's exposed but he's like they asked him about that he says what do i have to lose i'm 78 it's a good point uh what does he have to lose i don't know your life i mean you are doing god's work right pope are you listening to me pope but uh that's what amazes me the energy and i kind of warmed up to him you know you read

all this stuff about him but uh come on uh and like i said uh i was raised Roman Catholic, whatever that's worth, and bailed early into it. Not because of disbelief and all that. It was because it interfered a lot of time with the Red Sox and Bruins games, you know. CCD class, catechism class, that was on Tuesday nights. And I told you the whole story about me pretending to go out the door with my books and then crawling under the space and watching the Bruins game through the bathroom window. Yeah, I don't think,

that one might get me when I think about it. If I end up in hell, that might be the first thing they bring up, you know? At the gates, you know, God's like, really? He's like, Bruins?

Canadians in 77? For Christ's sake, the Bruins sucked and the Canadians were a powerhouse. That wasn't even a good rivalry at that point. And you're crawling under the house to watch that shit instead of what I have to say to you, my son? My dad used to lay in bed on Sunday mornings and yell at us to get up to go to church.

He's like, you don't want to go to hell, do you? And we used to go, well, how about you? What, you're not going to hell? He goes, I'm already in hell. I'm fucking married. Get out of here. Oh, come on, Dad. So the Pope, let's go to another religion.

Our boy Muhammad. Remember Ahmed Muhammad that brought the clock slash bomb to school huh and that everybody was zuckerberg the founder of facebook uh book and and and and president obama everybody that just hailed this kid a genius because he built his own clock and how dare the school officials prejudge him and think it was a bomb. That's just Islamophobia. Another example. Well, it turns out after a little bit of fucking scrutiny that total fugazi, as they say, as Johnny Depp said. Total fugazi.

Turns out, first of all, number one one he didn't even build it he just took like the back off an alarm clock and put the guts into a pencil case holder or whatever it was in okay and this has been refute people online you can look it up electronics experts and that's all he did and he's left a cable hanging out of the maybe look like a bomb. What he was doing, folks, what he was doing was fucking with us. You understand? That's how that's how pervasive this this politically correct left leaning horseshit that people have been fucking brainwashed and are so quick to jump down other people's throats. And again, you know who I'm talking about. You lefties. Not my fucking party. But just totally bullshit. He's just fucking with our heads. And he was put up to it by his father,

who happens to play stunts like this all the time. His old man is like a, you know, kind of a Islamic activist. And he's done other publicity stunts in the past. I guess he ran for president of Sudan without ever leaving the state of Texas. And do you remember the crazy preacher in Florida that was going to burn a Koran?

Remember? Well, this guy, Ahmed's dad, declared himself the defense attorney in that case so he's a fugazi that's fake in italian if that's you if you're wondering um yeah just total bullshit didn't even build a thing not that i wonder if he's going to be uninvited to the white house now huh zucker? Zuckerberg, you're still going to hire him? Even though he's a phony little fuck? He's fucking with us.

His family's fucking with our heads trying to prove that we're, you know, Islamophobic. Just like the guys, remember a few years ago on the plane? And I think I mentioned this last episode. There was a, I think it was Minneapolis. It was a flight. Anyways, it was like four or five uh muslims guys they started reading their prayers out loud and started switching seats right before the flight took off and somebody get nervous and and and i forget who had the

nerve to point out you know again this wasn't that long after 9-11 and they started switching their seat turns out they were just, you know, just fucking with us. Just fucking. They just want to prove I was Islamophobia. And people on the fucking far left will go, oh, they're right, aren't they? No, they're not, actually.

That whole Islamophobe charge makes me fucking laugh. How many Muslims have been murdered because of Islamophobia? Since 9-11? Huh? Can anybody bring up a figure? No, you can't. No, you can't.

Because hardly any. At all. I'll say it again. Least racist country on the face of the planet. If you do your fucking homework. But didn't I piss you off? I love it. Bill Maher's been excoriating this kid too on his show. And the liberals that fucking defended this jerk with that, that, that, that, you know, that knee jerk reaction that reflects of political correctness.

Just a total phony. But here's the good news Mr. Ahmed's kids are being pulled out of that school they're going to be homeschooled oh no that's a real blow to the community huh unbelievable what were they not supposed to say something

somebody bring something like that to school yeah he's been severely he's been severely traumatized they said you know the next question for the me should be okay what are the symptoms of somebody give us some symptoms how do you know he's severely traumatized? You know? What, did he convert to Christianity? Judaism? How's he been traumatized? And this is what I said. I said it on stage at Governor's.

You know? People are so afraid, especially libs, to prejudge somebody. Somehow that became the worst thing you can do on the planet, or at least in this country. It's worse than fucking a kid is prejudging somebody what if you did though what if you said i think this cab driver might be up to no good and you reported him oh no and you were wrong the guy's feelings were hurt for what five minutes oh no how horrible How horrible. Yeah, Ahmed's parents have unenrolled their three children from Irving School District because of religious persecution and have decided to homeschool them.

I bet you have. I bet you have. Once again. But it's just a symptom symptom it just shows the climate we live in people so quick to call people racist uh sexist or whatever we all know where that comes from talk about it every week and keep talking about it i made a clock look i made a beautiful clock out of it. But otherwise, I don't know. He just took, like, the back of an alarm clock and threw the guts into a pencil. He's not even smart.

You're a bit of a fucking dope when you get right down to it. But the one thing about him, he likes big tits anyways let's get to uh let's get to a story i know you're going to enjoy it's a personal story and he you're going to get a kick out of this one folks been waiting to tell it to you for almost a week now hope i can remember it as i think i had suffered some damage to my frontal lobes um i just found another story on the floor here oh it's a menstrual blood story i think we touched on that um as you know i've documented my sleep problems uh they've been well documented here on the nick dipalo podcast and i've tried everything right I mean every time I mention it people suggest stuff on Twitter and somebody even handed me a note after the show

um was that where was I last week up in Boston I think a girl handed me a note didn't put a name or a number that was disappointing but I am married so I just kid there. But suggested some medication. But anybody, like I said, everybody has a suggestion, and I've tried everything from melatonin. I've tried everything from melatonin to snorting baby powder. Baby powders are a crazy straw.

And rubbing warm yogurt on my taint as i do a word scramble but uh that made me a little groggy um anyways my wife and i know a fella i won't mention his name out in los angeles when i lived out there in the mid 90s my wife worked for his company and he has since moved on to a different company. And what he does, he has a line of cannabis products, actually a line of ice cream that is going great guns out there. People are loving it. And not only does he have ice cream, he has other products, you know, brownies. And he provides edible cannabis products to dispensaries so people with medical can get medical marijuana is legal in California.

Anyways, my wife had been talking to him on and off. What's that about? I don't know. Over the last couple of weeks, my wife was very close to his mom who had died probably a year ago. So anyways, he kept suggesting have Nick try. My wife was very close to his mom who had died probably a year ago or so. Anyways, he kept suggesting, have Nick try, you know, maybe some of my product if he can't sleep. And I'm like, yeah, you know, I might do that because I've had other comedians bring that up, obviously. And I kept putting it up.

But finally, I had some bad nights and I'm like, yes, have him mail the shit or whatever. I had some bad nights and I'm like, yes, have him mail the shit or whatever. And what he did, he didn't send me his products because right now, like I said, his mainly, his thing is the ice cream thing. But he sent a couple of his competitors. I don't know why. A couple of his competitors edibles that he was trying out and that he actually said helps him sleep. Anyways, there's like three or four little products. And one of them was like this.

Probably one and a half. Two inch by two inch square. Not a candy bar. But it looked like a candy bar. But it was some type of red gelatin. It was supposed to taste like cherry. You know candy or whatever. Chewy.

Almost like a gumdrop type or whatever chewy almost like a gumdrop type of uh whatever and he said to my wife well it's medicinal uh the doctors suggest when somebody's to take a quarter of this and uh but then he said he called back and said tell nick since nick doesn't smoke pot which i don't last time i smoked it i was in the early 90s after an acting class i told you guys this i think i smoked it with my few people from an acting class in new york city on the i walked home to my apartment on the way back to my apartment i went to chemical bank that was the bank at the time and i went in there and i was waiting in line and this bank had you know like a number at a deli they had a digital clock you'd be in line your number would come up and there's a bunch

of windows and when your number came up you go to whatever window that's anyways i'm like fifth in line then fourth and third and then i get up to the front of the line and soon as my number came up this i this lady goes i can help you here i ran out of the bank that's how I was fucking freaking out just that paranoid a nice relaxed buzz weird you know anyways and I know weed cannabis is a lot stronger now I've heard it like a hundred times stronger than then blah blah blah anyways and uh so Monday night you know I'm like I'm gonna try it so I take any eighth you know, I'm like, I'm going to try it. So I take an eighth of it and I'm, you know, I get downstairs in my office. I'm watching TV and like a typical rookie.

Every time I tell the story, people start laughing. And, well, we need a little music for the story, background music. But, yeah, I eat an eighth of it. I get downstairs. I'm laying on the couch, and all of a sudden, you know, I don't feel anything. So like a rookie, I'm like, I don't feel nothing. I'm going to go upstairs and eat the other eighth, make it a quarter. And it turns out the guy told my wife he should take an eighth and wait an hour

or so a little more before he i walked upstairs thinking it was an hour later it was like 40 minutes later and i said i can't feel nothing give me another so i eat the other piece now i have a i've eaten a quarter of it i go back downstairs and i'm watching my flat screen. After about, I'd say, 45 minutes, all of a sudden that flat screen, that 51-inch, looks like a 12-inch black and white TV to me. And the sound sounds kind of weird. Now I'm inside my own head. That's where anybody who's insecure about doing this shit. I'm like, what the fuck?

And I started to get a little jittery. I'm trying to, and now it doesn't feel like my house. So I panic and I go upstairs and I was going to go up to the bedroom, which is on the third floor. But I looked at the steps and they might as well steps to our castle. They just look so high and low. I'm like, fuck it. I'll go lay down in the guest bedroom in the dark. Could I have made any more rookie mistakes? Now I'm laying in the guest bedroom and

all I can see is the little digital red clock out of the corner of my eye and within another 20 minutes, now I feel like I'm not even in my own house. I'm in somebody's basement in a faraway land. I'm in my fucking head and I fucking start panicking a little bit. in somebody's basement in a faraway land i'm in my fucking head and repeat after me and i fucking start panicking a little bit and i go i gotta go upstairs how am i gonna

my wife how am i gonna face her so i go up the stairs and i just fucking jump on the bed next to my wife and she's like what's up are you freaking out i went bingo i'm fucking going crazy i'm like how long is this shit gonna last i'm talking to her like she's fucking keith richards counselor the last time she had smoked it she freaked out like in high school or whatever but uh she's kind of giggling but now i'm sitting there in the bedroom with my wife and it doesn't feel like my bedroom. I had no emotional attachment to the bedroom, to her. She was just a woman like holding my hand. And it was just fucking weird. Really getting in my own head. And I'm holding on to her arm like a little kid lost at the fucking you know looking for his mother at the mall just and i'm like what the fuck and then i'm then i'm

resting my hand on my bridge of my nose you know how you do when you have a headache you put your thumb and index finger on the bridge of your nose like and you push i i just had it resting there But it felt like my hand kept sinking into my face And then she puts on a Bob Newhart An old Bob Newhart rerun I don't know if she was fucking with my head We have DVR You know, we have a whole bunch of old shit We love the old stuff

So she puts on it She said, I'll put on like a Newhart episode Maybe you'll get your And now, again She feels like a. It doesn't feel like my bedroom. I'm watching Newhart, which was an episode from the late seventies. Now I felt like I was living in the seventies. I was in that time period. I can't explain it. Anyways, I was just fucking freaking out. And when you ingest cannabis, you know, orally, it's way stronger, apparently, which something I did know because I had a Rasta Pasta experience I told you about episodes ago, but I forgot. And this is medicinal.

Should they give this shit to people with bone cancer to take this to relieve the pain? And I would have rather had bone cancer, man, I was in my own head, freaking the fuck out, and then when you shut your eyes, I'm like, maybe if I sleep, and then you shut your eyes, and then I'm seeing all kinds of patterns, I mean, this shit was rocket fuel, for a fella who hadn't smoked a joint since 1992, or whatever it was, probably wouldn't even affect. I let a few, you know, I text Kurt Metzger and told him about it

and told him what happened to me and expecting a little sympathy, you know. And at the end, I asked him if he goes, of course I fucking want it. And Ari Shaffir. The guys who I knew would appreciate this story. And actually Joe Rogan, too. Anyways, I don't want to give out the name of the company yet because I don't know the fact that. But dudes and dudettes, I was freaking the fuck out like a little child inside my own head. Finally nodded off and woke up at like, I don't know, six in the morning. And the windows were open a crack.

And I could hear cars going by. And they still sounded a little weird. I was like, wow. Like slow motion sound. And again, this is just fucking weed. This is what you guys fucking smoke to relax oh my god holy shit but what a rookie huh i don't feel anything give me another piece of that oh and uh yeah i gave the the rest away to a small orphanage.

Holy Christ. I guess I won't never, you know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'll, I don't even know that I would dare try to smoke it. Apparently I can't handle it. Some people can't handle shit like that, and I'm one of them apparently, but it was so funny looking at that TV, my flat screen, and all of a sudden it seemed like it was a mile away, and it sounded, the sound weird was,

the sound sounded fucked up, I'm blaming it on Vizio, Turns out it's the fucking cannabis I had ingested. Yeah, so I don't know what to tell you. I admire you guys who can take that shit and sit down and write jokes. I guess it would free up your mind. I guess you gotta be, I wonder if I was surrounded by,

even the guy Alex who sent that said, he said, you know, he said to my wife, good thing you were home or he would have probably drove himself to the hospital. And you know what? I agree with that a thousand percent. Although I don't know, I would have had the balls to leave the house, you know. I didn't have the balls to go upstairs, you know, until after I laid in that bed in the dark and freaked out. What a rookie.

What a rookie mistake. Maybe there's some shit that's not quite that strong that I can enjoy. Eventually I passed out, but I don't know. I probably passed out because I was scared to death. So I thought you'd enjoy that. What else do I have on the agenda? Um...

Ophelia me boni beli, dominus visco benicelli on his dami nos. That's a good song when you hide a fucking... Get a few bites of a nice cannabis brownie in you. How about that horrible story out of Warren Hills, New Jersey High School? Kid named Evan Murray.

I didn't even mean to play this song. It's kind of a coincidence, but it makes sense. Quarterback, 17 years old, Warren Hills High School in New Jersey. Yeah. Gets a football game Friday night. Gets hit a couple times took a couple of hard hits I guess at the beginning of the game

and was wobbly and then took himself out of the game and felt you know like horrible or whatever and I know you heard about it he ends up dying after the game

which is just there's still speculation out there they don't know uh you know if it's a heart attack but obviously our thoughts go out to his family and friends and just unbelievable and again people are gonna you know exploit this the anti-football people i went online just to read the comments it really it's one thing the internet does it exposes the fucking ignorance and the and the uh tendency to just you know reflexively react with no no common sense and you know people on there. One woman. And this is not enough proof that they should make the sport of football illegal at high schools. That's one of the comments. It's like, oh, my God.

Of course, I mean, people took her on tour, the stupid thing like that. And I know I had been preaching. You know, my buddy Murphph who lives in Northern California, he's saying how youth football is drying up out there because people are afraid. But again, can you keep it in perspective, okay? More kids die on skateboards every year, okay? So I don't want to hear it.

It's a one in a zillion chance that something like this is going to happen. It's going to happen in any endeavor, you know, that's a one in a zillion chance that something like this is going to happen it's going to happen in any endeavor you know that's a little bit risky but um just here's one of the comments i teach at high school at the texas football texas football school and it's shocking how many students are injured throughout the year due to sports injuries and concussions really is it worth is it worth a game question mark this poor kid has been fed a lie for his entire life first of all you don't fucking know that that maybe he'll make it to the nfl but is it worth this america needs to re-examine priorities. First of all, I doubt that this guy's a football coach. Sounds like a fat soccer mom.

The NCAA is a billion-dollar business that profits. See, people have to politicize, right? If I can take advantage, that's what the president does. Rahm Emanuel, the mayor of Chicago, remember? Don't let a crisis go to waste. The NCAA is a billion-dollar business that profits off the free labor and inevitable injuries of our children. And we let it,

first of all, they're not children. They're grown men when they're in fucking college. Learn the difference. And no other country in the world puts sports on such a pedestal. And I guess you haven't watched soccer riots in Europe

above education like we do. It's disgusting and embarrassing and horrible for the families who are changed forever by a goddamned game. You're not a fucking high school football coach. You're a lion sack of shit. That's a judgment call and I just made it. Now if I'm wrong, whoop-dee-doo.

It's shocking how many, so I guess we should stop. So let's not talk about the positives, how it fucking, it creates character and grows leaders. And more people have gone on to do great shit because of sports, men and women, by the way. And they'll tell you that. It's just unbelievable. People who hate it couldn't play and they hated jocks.

I guarantee it. The poor kid has been fed a lie for his entire life that maybe he'll make it to the NFL how do you know that who said that I didn't think I was going to the NFL when I started playing uh football especially in high school I realized it when when I ran that 4-6 flat 40 not exactly uh not bad for a white fella but uh you know uh you know what I'm saying? How about the kid was doing what he loved, huh? You think it added anything positive to his life? Everybody loved the kid. It was a freak accident. They think it might have been a heart attack. They might have the results later today, I guess, before, you know, I'll be off the air by then, i'm just saying it's just amazing to me you read the

comments when you go on the internet how just ignorant people are just oh fucking smash his fucking face in yeah i'm talking about the so-called texas football coach it's just hard to believe, you know. Yeah, so, you know, just a horrible thing. Horrible thing. But there's risks, you know. There's risks in life. And the odds of that happening, like I said, are just ridiculous. Let's, by the way, let's, for you people who want to get rid of football, let's get rid of tubs, too.

Because what is it? Every 20 seconds, somebody dies in a tub or something like that, or every minute. Let's get rid of those. Let's just be a big smelly nation of people who don't shower. People who don't take baths. Because people slip and fall in the tub very, very often. Let's get rid of cars, too, because people are killed by cars every day in this country. Let's get rid of the cars.

Let's be stinky, smelly people who walk on fucking foot and, you know, play video games. That's the country you want, right? Motherless assholes. Let's get rid of football. That's a real deep thought process. The kid died. It's got to be bad. You're fucking crazy. They're going to start putting warnings on football helmets

like they do cigarette packs, you know. That's where we're headed. How about soccer, right? Remember? That was a report a few years ago that soccer balls causes more concussions than football. What happened to that? That story went away in a hurry.

Oh, it didn't fit the fucking faggy agenda. That's right. Anyways, popular kid too. Naturally, student athlete, great student uh just really popular but uh too bad horrible to hear and on the since i'm doing the sad part of the show mary katherine ham she's a conservative who's on Fox a lot of the times. I had the pleasure of meeting her when I did Red Eye. Just the nicest woman you'll ever want to meet.

And her husband last weekend is riding in a charity race to cure cancer for a guy he knows. He gets hit and killed by a car. So, I mean, let's get rid of charity race. Let's get rid of cancer. That would be a be a good idea actually then that wouldn't happen um i mean that seriously let's get rid of cancer i'm saying that literally but i'm just saying you know uh it just there's no guarantees in life horrible she's uh she was such a she's a nice woman catherine him and uh very smart and uh it was a pleasure meeting her and my heart goes out to her and she's got she's pregnant with her second kid right now doing like a couple months she has a i think she has a daughter she has

another child and um i mean what the hell that really bummed me out. That one put a real lump in my throat. Both of them, obviously. I'm getting like Boehner. I tear up easy now. You know? If I see a dog food commercial with a little bit of sentimentality and I get a lump in the throat, I guess it happens as you get older because you realize, you know,

you realize no guarantees. The only guarantee is I'll be getting on a plane somewhere to play tell dick jokes to drunks. That's the only thing. And that's not even a guarantee. Let's be honest. In other politically correct news, how about Polk County, Georgia? Some kid shows up at high school, Rock high school polk county 10th grade kid arrived with a confederate battle flag attached to his backpack oh no oh jesus h christ

he's dropped off and they interviewed the. He got dropped off out of his truck. Notice they have to put truck in there to let you know. And came down the sidewalk just like any other student. That's Wesley Cupp, the president. I don't know what his color is. I'm going to look it up. He said the sophomore, who was white, then walked through the cafeteria before he started on to the courtyard with a Confederate battle flag strapped to his backpack.

That's where he was confronted by two African-American students. They wanted to confront him about what he had in his backpack. What did they say? Hey, man, why are you doing that? Again, this is the principal's. I'm going to take his word for it. Principal Kopp also said shoving and exchange of words among the students started and was broken up immediately by staff

after a few minutes. No weapons were found but later in the morning, here's where the story gets interesting. The school was put through a lockdown drill with students kept in class after rumors of other students bringing Confederate battle flags surfaced. Do you see what the fucking lib media

has done to this country do you see it do you fucking believe it i got news for you folks i'm not a big fan of that flag either but you know what it's still legal you should be able to go to high school in a three-piece confederate fucking suit and top hat okay and um and if you got a problem with that go to the authorities or go to the principals if it bothers you, but no, they want to get right in the fucking kid's face. Somebody needs a lesson in history. Sounds like the two African-American kids. Introduce them to the Constitution.

I'm sure if a kid wore a Black Lives Matter T-shirt, and it bothered a few white kids, and the white kids confronted, I'm sure, I'm sure that they would have, you know, the same result, right? So all three of the kids were sent home, apparently. And don't give me this shit, it's about distracting other students, distracting other students, because I saw shit that distracted me all the time in high school how about every time a girl was a i see young

they have t-shirts for like six-year-old girls that say boys suck on them i mean give me a fucking break but uh of course uh here's one of these students parents i think the principal handled it the right way i don't want to give him no backlash because it'd be different if he said, you know, just the white kid go home and not the black kid or vice versa. See, so according to this parent, that's what

makes it right, what the teacher did. Do you see how this is a parent of the student? So he has no fucking clue on right and wrong and the constitution and freedom of speech long as everybody got punished that's a good thing but somebody else and other parents sort of had more of my take on it um you know and said that the students that were offended should have done something else and not

confronted the kid yeah i'd love to know what the two black kids said to the white kid. I'm sure it was, excuse me, what are you doing there? You're offending my sensibilities as an African American. I'm sure it went down like that, right? Come on. Get this now. Principal Cupp said when the three students involved return to the school, they'll be offered counseling and other services to help ease tensions.

What the fuck have we done to our nation? Offered counseling because they got in a little bit of a shoving match over something that, you know, again,

if we were in our right minds, wouldn't have been an issue in the first place. And yes, I'm not forgetting about South Carolina and all that shit, but that doesn't mean every time you see a fucking flag, you have to lock down wherever you are.

Unbelievable. You know, there's a lot of shooting at hip-hop concerts. So every time I see a Jay-Z hat or t-shirt, we should fucking lock it down. Lock down the arena. I saw a kid at a Knicks game with a Jay-Z t-shirt. Give me a fucking break. Ugh. There is no right

in the constant... People actually think they have a right not to be offended. I got into it with a woman after a show at the stand a year, a year and a half ago. Some hateful lesbian, you know, with those glasses that signify I hate men.

Fucking gay. You just do material to make people feel uncomfortable. I have a right to come here and enjoy myself and not have you fucking... No, you don't, actually. You don't. No, you fucking don't. You don't have a right not to be offended. Get that through your fucking head. Ugh. Jesus

H. Christ. Fucking smash his fucking face in. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Liberalism. Why aren't more people interrogating? Liberalism. Again, these are far left kooks. I'm not talking about everybody.

But it's getting that way. Almost everybody. Ooh. I'm going to have to have a bite of the, I'm going to have to get some more edible cannabis to calm down after this show. Ah, what else? Let's cross that one off. And other news from genius fucking liberal one off and other

news from genius fucking liberal new age psychology ideas that are considered progressive local school district bans the game of tag over emotional well-being

of students. Exactly. Thank you. Fucking A. And again, I'll say it again. But when I read a headline like this, I go,

let me guess, the principal or the teachers involved are probably female, I'm guessing. And again, I know not all broads are like that because I married one who isn't. She's more insensitive than I am. But I'm just saying, political correctness is born

out of sensitivity, which really isn't a male trait. You know? Unless you're Caitlyn. Where the hell? What town is this? Not that it matters. All you need to know is it's happening in this country kids on mercer island my northwest.com so uh yeah they can't play tag administrators uh ban the game of tag

out of well well being for the emotional well-being for the kids the school district's communications director macy grade that's her name macy grade g-r-a-d-e i'm guessing it's a woman uh and an email said the rationale behind the ban is to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students. Now, there should be more questions in the article going, now, how did you come up with that? Tell us how, explain your fucking logic behind that. Is there any reason?

They also address physical safety, wanting kids to keep their hands to themselves. Do you fucking believe? This is one of the reasons they get rid of tag. What's so funny is all these stories are starting to blend into me. When I read it the first couple times and I put it aside and I went back to it, I went, oh my God, I thought they were talking about dodgeball. It's actually tag. You know, dodgeball, that's considered like throwing. You might as well have IEDs in the gym. Fucking tag.

I like to tag this lady in the head with my fucking nutsack. Macy Grade. Ugh. The school promotes competitive sports, though, like football. That makes sense, right? Tag could fuck somebody up emotionally. What is that? I guess that little boys and girls would play together,

and they wouldn't want, you know, any touching, because that's the goal. What the fuck? I just can't even, I don't even know where to begin i never played tag as a kid do you we played push forearm chipper we played uh kill the guy with a ball we played bomb squad you guys know what that is we called it bomb squad i would invite like if you know all 12 guys in the neighborhood come over and would put one kid at the end of the

uh my yard and would kick off to him and you try to try to return a kickoff with 11 other guys trying to rip your head off with no blocking no push in the back on that fucking you just try to return a kick against 11 guys called a bomb skull we used to do it in the snow and and and it was fun you'd push a kid out of bounds on an icy sidewalk and it'd slide right into a fire hydrant that happened once um but uh i i don't even understand what that means that you're protecting their emotion from being traumatized emotionally by a game of tag i i don't get it how that would affect you emotionally i mean you're tagging the person on the back of the arm or the ass you're not you're not fisting the kid i don't i don't fucking what are you instead of tagging them you're jacking them off i i don't i don't seriously i

don't understand somebody explain it to me how's, how that could be emotionally traumatizing. Tagging somebody saying, you're it. Is that the part that maybe fucks them up? That when you go, you're it, it makes them, you know, it isolates them for the rest of the kids. Ew, I'm it. I don't even get it. I can't even fucking, I don't even, I can't. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, get it I can't even fucking I don't even I can't I

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behind the bush and my ass behind a maple tree but that's where i want to be buried um but i i walked through there like in the middle of the afternoon last week like a three and a beautiful day like a you know wednesday afternoon and uh here comes a kid by himself right couldn't be more 16 17 i smell weed i smell them coming at me he's got a pipe by himself walking through the woods fucking smoking weed and then a week prior to that i came upon two kids and they kept looking over their shoulders and uh i said relax i'm not fucking five oh which uh that hip lingo was lost on them completely. But it's a beautiful day, and they're in the woods. They have to get fucked.

I guess I drank beer in the woods, but it was usually at night, and it was 11 degrees on a Friday, and there was nothing else to do. But, yeah, the hooch. Glad they didn't give me some. I would have fucking dove into the lake, try to drown myself. What the hell was I talking about? I don't know. I'm loathing it.

So that's it. Me on drugs, governors. Let me get some plugs in here. I got to work out after this. I got to do Sean Teeth. You got to stay focused. You got to work out after this. I got to do shanties. I got to get, you got to stay focused. You got to stay within yourself.

You got to eat a pot brownie and try to get out your own head. You're going to take the left foot, bring it over to the right. Uh, I used to have a clip of him, didn't I? What did I do with it?

Well, I do have to get a goddamn, you know what? Where's my shanticlep? I probably threw it out. Dates, real quick. October 3rd, if you're in the D.C. area, I'm doing something called Unite to Face Addiction.

Greg Giraldo's wife contacted me about this. Tom Pop is on the bill. Billy Burr, a few others. That's Saturday, October 3rd. I think it's the time one of theater in D.C. So if you're around. Gramercy Theater. This is the one, folks, I need you to come out to.

Please, if you can do anything. Gramercy Theater, New York City. Saturday, October 17th. Dan Soder. My boy Dan Soder, who has that radio show with Big J. Bonfire. Serious. Uh, yeah, October 17th.

Gramercy Theater. Come out and see me then. Could you, please? And, uh, I got a few more things in October. Sportshaven in New Haven on the 24th. It's a Saturday night. New Haven, Connecticut. Doing a fundraiser in Canada.

You don't need to know about that. Doing something for the cops on the 23rd. Magoobies, November 5, 6, and 7. That's in Timonium, Maryland. Timonium, Maryland. And November 12, 13, and 7. That's in Timonium, Maryland. Timonium, Maryland. And November 12, 13, and 14, Jacksonville, Florida. The Comedy Club of Jacksonville, Florida is the name of the club. All right, kiddies?

Suffolk Theater, by the way. Oh, I forgot that one. On the 28th of November, Suffolk Theater, Riverhead, New York. That's a Saturday night. Love that place. Love it. Lockup did a whole thing on the prison out there, theolk Theater, Riverhead, New York. That's a Saturday night. Love that place. Love it. Lockup did a whole thing on the prison out there, the jail out there in Riverhead. Fucking loved it.

Saw a few of the people that I'll see at the show, I'm sure. That's it, kids. I think that's all I got for you. Am I forgetting anything? Seems like I pulled a shitload of... You know what I did? I accidentally erased a whole bunch of clips on my soundboard. Oh, you're probably happy about that.

Anyways, it's Nick DiPaolo signing off. I'll talk to you real soon. Oh, sports-wise, I know I forgot something. I don't know what to report. The Mets clinched. Congratulations, Mets fans. Kind of like to see that. I like to see the Mets and the Blue Jays. You know, you got the

Mets with a great pitching staff and the Blue Jays, they have that offense. It's like a hierarch softball team. These guys hit fucking homers like they're nothing. That would be a nice matchup. That's what I'd like to see. Mike Trout made a catch this past week. Maybe one of the best ever. Climbed up for it almost like the japanese guy did it was a japanese guy like

20 years ago that actually climbed the fence got on the top of it and waited for the ball to come trout pulled like a minor version of that as good a catch as you'll ever see uh and my red socks are a lot better than they were uh at the beginning but they still stink. But they're going to be something next year. Trust me. A lot of fucking talent on them. If they get any pitching, they're going to be scary. But yeah, I'm hoping for a Mets-Toronto thing. College football, I watched a million games.

They all blended in. I can't even tell you who won. I think that weed wiped out my memory. But I'll talk to you real soon, kids. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down. Cause once I get started, I go to town. Cause I'm not like everybody else.

I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. John! I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else and I don't want to live my life like everybody else and I don't want to be destroyed guitar solo guitar solo I'm I'm I'm

I'm