The Nick DiPaolo Show - 102 - Putin, Umpqua, Hillary

Episode Date: October 6, 2015

Putin, Umpqua, Hillary

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, kiddies. How you is? Nick DiPaolo podcast. Nice to talk to you. I'm brain dead. Went to, did a benefit in D.C. last night. And, you know, it was to fight addiction. And, yeah, it was good.

It was great, actually. Billy Burr, Tom Papa, Tig Notaro, Judy Gold. A whole slew of kids. Great audience in D.C. Usually a very politically correct market. Kind of makes sense. And that's where politics is based in our country. But, yeah, it's just a real PC feel to everything.

Even the whole event. I don't know, man. I feel like I'm living in a different universe anyways uh yeah so i uh you know i had my flight booked for weeks to go down there and then i all that hurricane talk you know and that's the new move by the way not a new move but they do it more often the local news loves to play up those hurricane stories they they string you in about eight days ahead of time when it's like a pimple on an elephant's ass 40 000 miles south of the dominican republic and then they suck you in for

the week to keep tuning in and then they get ratings and uh that's how it works their ratings go up and the home depot advertisers they sell shovels uh or umbrellas in this case but it turned out to be big fucking turd just like i told everybody but uh all that talk so i'm laying there uh friday night and i think i've made clear how much i hate fucking flying after all these years and i I'm like, you know, D.C.'s about, the gig was 260 miles away, about four, four and a half hours. And I'm like, I don't want to go to the fucking airport tomorrow morning. I just, just the thought of me once again having some fat ass bending over, taking their shoes off in front of me,

and some old lady fucking up the line and slowing it down uh just those thoughts i'm such a control freak uh and when you're about to board and people start edging up towards the you know that that anxiety just shaves years off my life and i'm like fuck that that's how much i hate you i know i have a four-hour drive in front of me but you know i'd rather drive for four hours because by the time i get up and fucking you know i i was gonna fly to la guardia that's about 45 minutes from where i live um and then all the hurricane talk i'm like the last thing i want is you know it's a benefit they're kind of it's kind of important as i don't want to get uh be at la guardia and the flights are delayed and shit i mean they were talking up a pretty good you know storm there

so i'm like fuck that i'm just getting up tomorrow and uh i'm driving i don't i'm i don't mind driving every time i hear about cars that are going to drive themselves this makes me sick to my stomach uh yeah so i just got up. I fucking set the alarm for like 8. And left here about 8.30. Was there at 12.30. The W Hotel. And, you know. And the beauty of it.

No airport on the way home. Nothing. You know, I call the car service Friday night. I go, cancel this, cancel. I didn't tell the people who, I didn't tell the people that set up the whole gig because I didn't want them to get all freaked out that I was driving or whatever. Anyways, so it was great. We only had to do like 10, 12 minutes apiece, you know,

and actually get paid well for a benefit. But it had to be a thousand over a thousand people there i gotta believe it looked it that's what i was told i don't know but it was uh it was killer killer audience and uh right after the gig i watched tom papa went on after me he was murdering and uh I said, I'm out of here. It was beautiful. There was no pressure to stick around. I'm like, we don't have to go out and take a bow like fucking Les Mis or any of that.

Sometimes they do that when you're at festivals and shit. I don't know why they do that. They have us come out and take a bow. You know, like we just did Manila Mancha. And, yeah, so I'm like, okay, take care nice uh talking to you folks you sent me the check i fucking i texted the valet he bring my card down by the time i got back to the hotel i walked and uh checked out bing bang in the car by like 10 o'clock i don't know yeah i get home at uh yeah because i get home at like uh 205 it was beautiful i love

driving late at night i just love it nobody out there a little congestion when you're leaving dc on saturday night but after about a half hour 40 minutes it cleared up and it's nothing but smooth sailing i'm listening to notre dame joke against clemson on the radio and I'm at peace with myself it's the only time I'm happy folks when I'm in my little car my fucking bubble just happy as a clam knowing I made some fucking dough and I don't know there's like three droplets of rain I'm like wow this is a real fucking glad I have the uh yellow windbreaker on like the Gordon's fisherman nothing it's home in four hours but I come in the door and I'm fucking wound up so what do I do I watch SNL till I don't know 3 30 and go to bed at 3.30, and my eyes are wide awake.

It's 7.20. Wide awake. Laid there for about an hour and a half. I said, fuck this. I'm getting up. I'm so fucking tired right now. And you guys, you'd be laughing. I'm trying to pull clips, which I've been doing for two years on this show.

And, you know, I pull my own clips off the internet and all that shit and there's a few steps and then and i'm sitting here and none of the clips are transferring to my to my ipad and i'm like what the fuck am i doing wrong and uh you know i was skipping like two steps just out of mental fatigue it's unbelievable i'm gonna start having to do blow again look i tried the weed we all know how that turned out, but I gotta be honest with you, though, if I didn't give that shit away, and there was some in my house tonight, I might bite a corner off, that's how fucking tired I am, ha, ha, ha, woo, god damn, so, yeah, DC, speaking of gigs, again, October 17th, Saturday night,

Gramercy Theater right here in New York City. Please, please, if you're in there, even if you're not in the area, come into the city. Come on. What are you going to do? Have a stamp in Connecticut? Going to go out and have a burger with your fat wife? Come into the fucking city, the real city,

and watch me spew a little bit of hate. October 17th, Dan Soder is opening for me. He's a funny motherfucker. Ooh, the language is awful salty, Nick. Shut up! Exactly, bitch. Uh, yeah. So, I mentioned SNL.

Let's get right to that. Hillary was on there, you know know with her new and improved uh fucking persona oh you know you got it you know you have a reputation being phony when you have to make it like an announcement hey that i'm changing my act i'm changing my persona they could fucking give her a blood transfusion put somebody else's brain in there she just she ain't got it kids she ain't got it biden's just sitting on the side watching her numbers go down just watching her tank he's just sitting there now he's i think biden's like ah fuck you know what look if he really wanted to be in it he would have been in by now don't you think he's still hemming and hawing he's just gonna see how low there's probably a no everything's so calculated in the world of

politics there's probably a number that he's waiting for her to hit like a stock before he jumps in and uh that number's coming soon she's just a do-bagger and she was on uh snl and they did a thing it was pretty clever where you know um kate mckinnon plays hillary and uh she's at a bar drinking and of course the bartender turns around it's hillary playing the bartender and it was kind of clever but again they they handle with kid gloves you know fucking very know, a couple sketches after that, they're fucking, you know, making fun of Huckabee. And it's just so funny how it's, you know, it's not even trying to be balanced, which I guess you got to expect.

But let me play a little clip of Hillary. She's the bartender, and Kate McKinnon's playing her and getting drunk, and I don't feel like setting up anymore. It's not that fucking great. Realized I never checked your ID. ID! Come on, please! I have a one-year-old granddaughter.

She calls me Madam President. I never would have guessed. You give off such a young, cool vibe. You must work in Brooklyn. Yes. Somewhere in there, yes. Hi. Hi, Mrs. Clinton. I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say my sister's gay, so thank you for all you've done for gay marriage.

Well, you're welcome. It really is great how long you've supported gay marriage. Yes. I could have supported it sooner. Well, you did it pretty soon. Could have been sooner. Fair point. That's pretty clever, actually.

Freaking Kate McKinnon's gay by the way let's just add it to it it's a good way to take a little swipe at hillary and uh but see that my point is when i'm watching it that makes hillary look good right as a candidate it humbles her she's look i can joke about myself. You know what I mean? As opposed to the fucking vindictive swipes they take at any of the Republicans or the GOP or Trump or whatever. Or what they did to Palin. How they taught her to fucking shred. And that shit does matter, folks. I don't care what anybody says.

They turn Palin into a cartoon. And, you know, it just, Tina Fey did a number on her for years. And it works. And, you know, it just Tina Fey did a number on her for years and it works. And here it was a very clever way of taking a swipe at Hillary because she was late on, you know, the gay marriage thing or whatever. And it makes her look human. She admits it and gets a few laughs, but it's not going to be enough. OK, there's more shit coming out.

The fucking emails are coming. Unbelievable. This shit's just pouring out i mean there's more leakage and it's affecting her numbers and i've been saying it like i said i argue with quinn on the phone for the last eight months that she's not gonna be it and i still say they're gonna go we gotta pull the plug on her there's another another little scene from the SNL. Same sketch. I'm just so darn bummed. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.

Donald Trump? Isn't he the one that's like, Ugh, you're all losers? You're all losers. it ain't enough hillary too late too little too. Now there's a book out, and I was reading about it today, and I was laughing my balls off how she physically abused Bill when they lived in the White House. She'd throw ashtrays at him. The Secret Service would find broken glass after they had a fight. Real hillbilly shit. And it's not just some guy doing a hatchet job, because a few guys that worked detail, you know, what do you call it? The fucking bodyguards.

They corroborated these stories in his book. Barbara Streisand came to the White House, I guess, when Hillary was on a trip somewhere and she stayed over. Barbara Streisand stayed over at the White House and Hillary was on the road somewhere. And she fucking, apparently she freaked. over the white house and hillary was on the road somewhere and she fucking apparently she freaked and the next day bill clinton's got like a huge scratch on his neck and dd myers i think was who was the press secretary at the time for bill clinton she even said in the paper she goes yeah i was the idiot who came out and said he cut himself shaving before she even saw the scratch and then she saw it and she's like there's no way he could

have done that with a razor i mean that's how you know the shit's real and she's just a fucking vicious ice queen with a temper and uh you know they always talk about us john mccain does he have the temperament or donald trump you want somebody like that who's going to snap these crazy fucks? You really want fucking Hillary? I don't remember hearing any stories about, you know, Trump throwing an ashtray at his wife's face or, you know, or John McCain fucking physically abusing his wife. Yeah. They fucking ripped her a good one, the stories are so funny,

man, just regular hillbillies, you know, she'd punch him, they said she'd throw whatever, she could get her hands on, whether it was, you know,

a pillow or a vase, she'd slam doors, which my wife does, by the way, a couple times, only a few times, since I've known her, but she fucking, if we're gonna fight, she'll slam, she slammed like these French doors

in the house, you know, with glass, she slams them, and the glass breaks, the fuck's that gonna help, and of course, you know, right in the middle of a fight, and I see that, and she slams it, and the French door breaks, and I have to go, now clean it up, you spoiled guinea brat, you know, a little levity to break the tension. Only comedian would quote a line in a movie in the middle of a fight with his wife. Thinking she was going to go, oh, that was pretty good thinking. That was a good one. No.

It wasn't having it. But, yeah, you don't want this psycho post-menopausal bitch with her finger on the button. Yeah. Physically abusing Bill. Fucking hilarious. Secret service guys say it's all fucking true.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah, so it was all right. SNL was all right. And it makes sense. It was obviously slanted towards making fun of the GOP because they're the ones who've been doing the debates. And we have 18 people, the GOP running.

So there's a lot of fodder there. But it's just so funny how, like I said, they take superficial swipes at people on, you know, Democrats as opposed to the Republicans. They just love to cut deep. But that's how it always is, you know. But what I don't understand is when Hillary Clinton, that sketch, turned around for the first time and, you know, when she was playing the bartender, she gets this, like, you know, 30 30 second applause break from, you know, really young people in the audience. That's who goes to SNL. I've been in the tapings. Really? Really? That's who you fucking, that's who you want? I don't know.

I would do, I think if I was on the left and i was a young 18 year old and a dumb lefty like most of them i'd be fucking pulling for the madman from varney sanders looks like every time you see him looks like he had his prick in a light socket that fucking hairdo what he just got out of a get off a jet ski jesus christ put a brush in that thing grampy how about him getting 20 000 people in boston my hometown makes me sick to my stomach with their politics a fucking socialist the fact that he's getting crowds like that makes me ill but is he really that much different than we who we have in office now this putz yeah so uh Yeah, so the whole Syria thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is this embarrassing? Poor Obama. I can't even get mad at him now. I feel embarrassed for the poor guy. Just getting humiliated. Putin's playing him like a fucking violin.

Just so sad. So Putin, you know now putin and russia they came knocking on the door to embassy in in uh either afghanistan or iraq i can't remember where it was and said hey we're gonna start bombing get out of the fucking get out of the area they knock on our ambassador's door and and give us an hour to clear the airspace so they can start bombing. And of course, they you know, the whole plan was that Putin put forward that they were going to bomb ISIS. And it turns out he's bombing these rebels that the CIA is backing, supposedly allies of ours. And Putin hasn't even come close to bombing anybody from ISIS yet.

anybody from isis yet he's fucking he's just he just knows that that obama is just a pantyways liberal fucking harvard fruitcake and he's just he's just taking advantage man he's doing he's doing what rahm emanuel says you know never let a crisis go to waste he's he's just he's running the middle east him and i ran a fucking in cahoots and obama standing there with his dick or should i say clit in his hand what a fucking what an embarrassment what an embarrassment peggy noonan wrote an article how about how feckless and how, you know, coward, what a coward Obama is. And compared him to a, well, a character that you and I love very much. And one of the most famous movies ever.

And I thought it was a great analogy. This is a, this could be the, this could be the John Kerry, you know, meeting with Russian, with the Russian Secretary of State. Or you could be, or it could be Obama, but you know who I'm talking about. Johnny Ola bumped into me in Beverly Hills, and he said that he wanted to talk. This is Kerry coming back after meeting with a Russian guy. And Roth were in on a big deal together

and there was something for me if I could help him out he said he said that you were being tough on the negotiations but if they could get a little help and close the deal fast it would be good for

the family. You believe that story? Yes. You believe that? I'm a Harvard Law professor. He said there was something in it for me. On my own. I've always taken care of you, Greta.

Taken care of me? Mama-san Taking care of me Where's the I don't know Thought I had another clip there But that's who he is He's being played like a fiddle.

Just Obama's just slapping him around, like, just calling him on his bluffs. And even after Russia starts bombing these so-called allies of ours, and we don't even know how, you know, these fucking Syrian Free Army or whatever. But even after Russia started, you know, we noticed that they're not hitting ISIS

and they're actually hitting people who were supposed to be fighting Assad alongside of us. We don't even have a response for that. We're going to sit by. We're going to have to talk to the Russians about this and we'll figure it out.

That was basically the answer. We have nothing. We got nothing. No ultimatum. So Putin, you know, it's so obvious, man. He's going to be a player in the Middle East. This is what happens when you lead from behind, as they say. Un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. Hold on.

Let's see if I can... This is taking a risk. I'm going to edit a clip right here on the air. I'm smart. Not like everybody says. Like, don't. I'm smart and I want the specs. that's the obama that's the obama clip i was looking for uh you're notin's the play now he's the player in the uh in the middle east and who knows what they're fucking you know i mean what them the russians and the iranians you know it's nice to have russia working with iran hand in hand you know and now we we're lifting those sanctions that's 150 bill billion with a b that uh that they have to play with

to export terrorism all over the planet sure that's not gonna come back to haunt us that fucking iran deal mother of christ i can't make this shit up un-fucking-believable why didn't I pull that friggin'... So, it's a fucking sad world, ain't it, folks? But, and every time I listen to this stuff, I think of Obama when he was debating Romney, remember? Obama, when he was debating Romney, remember? And they asked who are the most dangerous geopolitical threat to the United States. And Romney said Russia.

And Obama said all arrogant and cocky. And the 1980s call and they want their foreign policy back or whatever the fuck I'm paraphrasing. Who's the dick now? Do you understand how much better Romney? Do you understand how much better Romney, do you understand how much better a president he would have been? I don't give a shit. I know you people who love Obama are going to just fucking never admit it. He's been a catastrophe.

But just that alone. But that's not important. What's important is gay marriage and that towns don't have too many white people in them. I'm going to get to that later on. Might as well get to it now. But that's what's important, right? And keeping abortion, the abortion mill roll.

That's what's important. And building bridges that are falling down and stuff like that. Never mind fucking Russia pulling a power plane. And China setting up islands. Making islands in the South Pacific. Oh, God. What the fuck happened? Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people intelligent? The fuck happened?

Here's the fucking... I wasn't even going to talk about this, but to stay on the fucking progressive dummies. Ugh. de Blasio. Mayor de Blasio. A one-term fucking mayor, if I've ever seen one even the fucking libs don't like this douche but this is what he's doing as the world burns around us he's

running around you know he wants to be like the the the face of the progressives on a national level this is what he this is what he's doing he has the city doing the city is grilling museums and cultural institutions about the racial and ethnic diversity of their entire staffs and if they don't answer they'll be cut off from taxpayer cash okay he's worried about the diversities at museums and cultural institutions here in the city what a burning issue huh because it really matters who points you towards the fucking monet whether it's a fat chinese woman or or a six foot eight black guy like it really nearly 1 000 organizations were asked to fill out a survey this summer detailing the race gender and disability status of their employees

and board members. As long as you complete the survey, you will be eligible to apply for funding from the city in fiscal year 2017, institutions were told in a July 20 letter from the Commissioner of the Department of Cultural Affairs. Organizations had to fill out a demographic spreadsheet by combing through their personnel files for their workers' information. It's literally racial bean powder. Groups that don't keep such data were told to hand out voluntary surveys to employees with the caveat and the instructions that you cannot require a staff member or board member to self-report any element of their identity. No, you could never trust. In addition to providing the workforce information,

the culture groups had to answer questionnaire up to 48 questions, including how does your organization engage with issues of diversity on a daily basis? Are they fucking, it really is a mental illness. Liberalism really is a fucking mental illness. You think, can they stop with the word diversity for two minutes have you ever seen it's just unbelievable that's one questions how does your organization engage with issues of diversity on a daily basis what forms of diversity do you think are important for strengthening the quality of work for your organization this is all just code for if you walk in and and we don't see as many black

and brown people work in the museum as white people this is definitely uh discrimination going on it's a term for a called disparate impact you can you can google it it's literally it's just racial bean counting they can walk in let's say they walked into a DMV and they well, that's a bad example because usually it's it's usually, you know, 60, 30 black to white at a DMV. But if you walked into a large company and there's, you know, you see 22 white guys and there's only four people of color. They don't even have to prove actual discrimination. That's just proof enough. the numbers are saying right there that that discrimination is going on that's how it works it is so fucking creepy and the arrogance to me the arrogance they're doing it with my town by the way up here in westchester we've been in

the national news rob bastarino is the county commissioner and for years they've been uh you know studying westchester and the the federal government hud or whatever says it's too white it's literally too white and that they want to build low-income housing up here in nice neighborhoods and they're using this you know this bean counting this uh disparate impact and and rob astorino thank god is like fuck you we're not we're not discriminating against anybody you can either afford to live here or you can't that's how it works in america and you know and you know how i know i'm on the right side of this and we're on the right side because there's black people that agree with me they're like we don't need special fucking

treatment you know i'll work like anybody else and if i can afford to live in a nice neighborhood of course not all people of color feel that way. They probably, yeah, you're discriminating against us. Can you imagine having the arrogance to do that type of social engineering? Who the fuck are these people? They think they're fucking God. It's unbelievable. There's no discrimination. And by the way, Astorino sued, you know, sued the federal government.

They've been in court. Astorino sued the federal government. They've been in court. Anyways, they came down on the side of the Westchester and robbed Astorino, the county executive, saying they couldn't prove there was any discrimination going on. But because Astorino isn't agreeing to participate in this horse shit, the county's losing $4 million, some type of funds that we get from the feds.

Just because we won't play this fucking, this game. It's just, it makes me sick to my stomach. Can you imagine worrying about the, if the, if the staff is diverse enough at the Guggenheim? Can you imagine he's got nothing better to do. Jesus Christ.

What the fuck did he witness as a kid? You know, Bill Hicks used to say, I think he's talking about Strom Thurmond or some real writer. He goes, you know, anybody that when you're that far right, you have a secret to hide. Yeah, well, it goes the other way, too. You have a secret to hide. It goes the other way, too. It's creepy. It's creepy, de Blasio. I don't fucking get it.

Even Cuomo. Another phony. Groups are also queried on whether there were barriers to increase. Look, they're just looking. They're just looking for discrimination. Groups are also queried on whether there were barriers to increasing diversity among staff and board members, according to a copy of the survey obtained by The Post. The survey is being paid for with more than $150,000

in private funds from the Ford Foundation, naturally, and the Mertz Gilmore Foundation, and the Rockefeller Brothers Fund. But an art advisor who works with the high-level collectors called the racial inquisition another Big Brother Act by de Blasio, by the de Blasio regime, and said it didn't matter who was funding the initiative. It was a waste of money that could be going towards the arts exactly egg fucking exactly god i'm not going to that museum there's

too many white fellas working there what a fucking crock of shit caca popo unbelievable they're obsessed with it it's like a mental illness it's like a mental I picture de Blasio like when he's in his pajamas and he's like 10 years old

watching Roots and going to bed and having a night he was traumatized by it some fucking shit God and he's a Bostonian I think I know he went to school in Harvard or whatever the fuck God. And he's a Bostonian, I think.

I know he went to school in Harvard or whatever the fuck. It's a Red Sox fan that I'm ashamed to admit. Just obsessed. Just obsessed with it. Can you imagine? They don't even have to prove. Is any discrimination going? They just go, Yeah. 11, 12, 13 white guys.

I don't see five, six black or brown people working here. Something's going on. We have to investigate. Meanwhile, people are being beheaded. Again, refugees are going to be pouring in here. People who we don't even know who's coming. Where they're from. It's like zombies.

Yeah, don't worry about that. There's only three, three Puerto Rican fellas working at the Museum of Natural History. Mama's home. What else do I want to talk about? Oh, tomorrow. I'm doing Colin's, you know, the cop show.

The web show that he's been working on for a year or two. Doing an episode tomorrow. And it's in, it's going it's gonna be it's gonna be in brooklyn somewhere in brooklyn greenpoint i think or whatever and uh but that's gonna be fun that's always fun you know if you guys uh you guys probably saw i mean last last season he had amy amy was on, Gap again. These are all guest starring roles. Seinfeld, obviously. Tom Papa. And it's really funny. The premise of the show is like it's comedians trying to do a cop show,

but they can't act. Basically, it's like bad actors trying to do a cop show. And it's like an inside look. You know, they do interviews while they're shooting an episode. You guys who are fans of Quinn, I'm probably wasting your time right now. You know all about it. But they interview Quinn, you know, and he's explaining the theory behind the show. And it's really fucking funny.

And in a perfect world, it would be on ABC at 8 o'clock. It would be the new Barney Miller, you know, because it's, you know, Quinn can write this shit. I don't know where he comes up with it. But then he sends me the sides of those little lines I'll be doing that say showbiz talk. He sends me the script, and I'm reading my lines like I'm rehearsing them tonight. And I noticed they're the lines that he used in an episode already. his talk he sends me the script and i'm reading my lines like i'm rehearsing them tonight and i noticed that the lines that he used in an episode already i don't know if he did that on purpose i gotta call him and ask him i'm playing like a forensic guy they told me to wear chinos or khakis

because we're supposed to be kind of nerdy i don't know what the fuck oh yeah let me break into i have eight pairs of pleated chinos from uh 1994 hanging i'll get some uh put on a pair of dockers too i'm gonna show a fucking jeans and a uh wife beater with mustard on it and go this is all you got throw a windbreaker on me if you don't like it. But it's really frigging funny, and I'm not just saying that. Keith Robinson, he's on it too. And like I said, if there was any justice in the world. Here's a clip of me last season on the show, me and Quinn, and his cousin Tim Gage, and there's a dead girl laying on a bed in a motel, and we're looking at the body,

and like I said, we're bad actors, comedians, trying to do a cop show, and we're supposed to be bad. And what's funny, I didn't even know that was the premise of the show last year. I just thought it was a funny cop show like Barney Miller.

So I do the scene, and then I find out later on that we were supposed to be bad act, and I go, well, you guys didn't even tell me that, and you said I did a great job.

So what you're saying is, I thought I was acting, like real acting. What you're saying is, I was so bad I was good. I didn't even know it. You know what I mean? You're supposed to I was good, I didn't even know it, you know what I mean, you're supposed to be bad intentionally,

I didn't know that, I was just doing, I was acting the way I act, and they go, you were great, and then I found out the whole premise was supposed to be bad actors, I didn't know that,

I was just acting, it doesn't say much does it, thank God I get the Amy Schumer episode to fucking prove I can act but uh yeah tim gage and uh colin are looking at this woman dead on the bed and uh here's some of the dialogue god i hope i pulled the right clip i don't know where i am mentally i'm just fried stomach contents were delicious s'mores asphyxiation which led to the release of a sphincter oh now that's it take a break funny guy but i i didn't even write this oh come on nick come on in it's okay we'll get you back later an

action the uh carbon 14 levels in her eyelines gave me her age precisely 18 to 22, I'd say, and retinal scan, subluxation, second and third vertebrae. Trauma to the cranial posterior, armor-plated bullet, tungsten tip, lodged between the third and fourth vertebrae. We isolated the accelerant. Cuts.

This is jargon now. This is the least compelling television I've ever seen in my life. Is this how real... Those are the lines I'm going to do tomorrow that Colin just said. I don't know if he knows that. Or maybe that's part of the joke. But, yeah, we found trauma to the cranial posterior. I'm glad I came.

I could go upstairs and learn my line. Armor piercing bullet with tungsten. The tungsten tip verged between the third and fourth vertebrae. We isolated the accelerant. That's what he just said. I'm looking at my sides today, and that's the exact words I'm saying tomorrow. I wonder if he knows that. It's a really funny show, though.

Cops talk. I mean, your experience. Real forensic guys talk like that. Forensic guys? Yeah. We didn't have that. We find out where the victim drank, go to his favorite bar, smack people around until somebody comes up with a name. That's a real cop friend of Collins.

John O'Donoghue, I think his name is. He was a cop for years. He's retired now. And that was the director asking him. The guy who plays the director, too, who's directing the episodes. I go, who is? I didn't even know he was an actor. He was so good, this young guy.

Plays like a Dickie, artsy, craftsy, fucking, you know, real hipster type. But he's arguing with Colin about every scene. And I go, who is this fucking guy? I want to smack him. He's such a good actor. And, yeah, I'm hoping it sees the light of day, you know. Jesus Christ. But, you know, it's a funny business, folks.

It's a funny business. Yeah, so that's tomorrow morning. And then listen to me on, I'm doing, you know, the Bonfire Show. That's Dan Soto and Big Jay. Although I don't know when that's going to air. Is that live? I don't know. I'm doing it tomorrow.

Yeah, it must be on tomorrow night on Sirius. And to plug, obviously, Gramercy and a few other things. And then, yeah, Ron Bennington on Tuesday. So hopefully you guys will listen to this episode before that. And hey, man, unbelievable feedback on the Marc Maron What the Fuck podcast episode. Unbelievable. It's so funny how much weight some of these shows carry.

My Twitter thing is blowing up. And I actually listen to it. I've listened to maybe three podcasts, including my own. I just don't listen. But I listened to the Maron one because we had good stories. We had a lot to talk about. But people are loving it, you know. It's very cool.

It's a whole new world, you know. You do something like that. It's like doing a TV show. What the hell else? We touched on, oh, I didn't play, We have a clip of Putin, actually, too, talking Obama. Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you. A transcript of the conversation between your helicopter pilot and his commander. We intercepted Dragonfly Wolf 10. Colorful names.

Here we are. We have them in sight. And the reply, abort the operation immediately. This is a recall. Confirm. Over. It seems you were abandoned on direct command. And these are the people you protect with your pain.

It's a risky knowledge. You may scream. There is no shame. Ah! Ah! Brought a hole in my mommy jeans. Anyways, that Howard cane was a big dud.

Thank God, huh? Although, you couldn't say that, down in South Carolina, they got 15 inches, or something, like biblical, the most they ever got, they got,

most they ever got in one day, was like three quarters of an inch, and they got like 12 inches, in two days, two people died, for Christ's sake, one lady had a tree fall on her, and another lady drowned,

in her car, unbelievable, fucking crazy, another lady drowned in her car. Unbelievable. Fucking crazy. And somehow I made it from Westchester to D.C. and back without three raindrops. And of course, we have to touch on the huge story.

Obviously, it was that school shooting, another mass shooting. Umpqua Community College in Roseburg Oregon and another fucking

psychopath we won't use his name we'll just refer to him as fuck face sucker of Satan's cock just un-fucking-believable. Just couldn't believe what's happening again.

And of course, it kicks off the whole firestorm about guns and I'm so tired of the friggin' argument. Yeah, there are a lot of guns. Yeah. But, you know,

just like you said, you can't deport 11 million illegals. You're not gonna get rid of fucking guns. Stop with that shit. What you gotta do is enforce the 50 50 000 laws that are on the books and uh you know when somebody gets caught committing a crime with a gun you got to punish them these fuckers are back on the street

you know i'm not talking about this specific case but and and a lot of you know we talk about gun problems and nobody they don't enforce the laws guys are caught and you know on parole with guns and they're back on the street in a year or two nobody's afraid to use a gun that's the problem yeah there's a zillion guns and don't tell me if there was a fucking a guy a guard sitting in each classroom and i think we could do this is 94 million people out of work how about that we hire them pay them fucking 80 bucks an hour unionize them to sit in every classroom in every middle school high school college across the country that was a gun-free zone by the way this

school so how'd that work out i'm fucking believable and and obama was great i and i know he's sincere that speech he gave after and he goes it should be politicized he it's the one time that to me he actually looked like he had some passion that he actually was sincere about something i mean but but but his argument in my opinion is is all wrong and they they stuck compared to other cars're the only industrialized and they put up norway and sweden and uh you know poland and uh oh let me see what are those yeah yeah real diverse and cultures and uh about what one-eighth the size of ours and and uh it's such fucking

nonsense man it's such fucking you got to put people away for a long time even if you know and and and they'll be afraid to use gun let's start there you know you're not going to get rid of them you know yeah this is laying guns we were founded on guns okay they don't like it go to another fucking country. And again, the majority of people, 98% of them, know how to use the gun. But then you get, it's not just that. Then you get mental illness comes into play.

And the ACLU and groups like that protect people's privacy to the point where you can't find anything out about them. Or you'll be sued if you make it public. There's a million things, you know. It's not just one fact. But mental illness, and then this guy was another fucking guy who lived on the internet in his own world. You combine loneliness, depression, mental illness, and such a media-driven society. You know, you can't say that doesn't have an effect.

We become desensitized. At least these psychos become desensitized to it. You know? So it's a combination of all that. But you can't, you're not going to ever take people's guns away. Yeah, you can make it tougher. I'm for all that too. Maybe tougher background checks.

All that stuff. Make it more difficult. But this notion, this notion that you're going to, you know, I mean, it's true. You're going to take guns away from people who know how to use them and from good people. And like fucking criminals give a shit about laws, they're always going to have them. They're always going to get their hands on them. And if that's the case, which it is, that's reality. We have to be able to protect ourselves that's why i bought this beautiful wrist rocket at walmart for 4.99 and a bag of marbles i'll

pop somebody's eye out they come into my house but uh what a sick fuck and you noticed um the big part of the story to me though it's it's sort of getting ignored, that he asked, he made people lay on the floor and then asked them what their religion was. And if they said Christian, he shot them in the head. And nobody mentioned that. Huh? Nobody mentioned it. At least not the important people like the governor of New York and the president. like the governor of New York and, and the president. And can imagine if, uh, that was, uh, if that was a white redneck and,

and, and, and he was asking people the religion and he only shot the Muslims in class, you think you'd fucking hear about it? Unbelievable. Not to be, I, you know, I, they mentioned that when the, when the story broke and shit and, and, uh, I didn't hear it on the Sunday shows. Then again, I was getting so angry. I shut off one of the shows.

But yeah, no, don't mention the Christian part. It's not important. We have a ton of them. They're the problem. But this guy's just a psycho. Mixed race. I don't know what the fuck he was. He didn't know what he was.

It's a problem he had no identity. But that's the new twist. And it is happening a lot more frequently like obama said but it's it was such a media-driven society and social media on top of it now um people isolate themselves and and this kid just wanted to be they really there really is that i want to be famous factor you know look fella you want to be famous you should have started going to open mics in 1987 like I did, it still didn't work, where's my AK, I'm heading to the funny bone in Denver, you motherless fucks,

um, just a lonely fuck, and then his old man's blaming guns, you know, the old man, yeah, okay, couldn't be his son was a fucking nutcase. Did you even know him? But the thing that kills me is that these psychos post shit on the internet. You know, there's signs there, but you can't really do anything about it. A lot of these... And the other thing with the numbers, they put up how many, you know, a mass shooting, a mass killing is four people shot or more. And the only problem with that is they don't mention that like when when there's gang shootings in brooklyn every weekend in chicago and baltimore uh you know

when there's uh drive-bys and shit there's at least it's like a minimum of three or four people getting shot so those can those numbers have you know those are factored in too. So don't think it's just one psycho every time shooting four or more people. A lot of that has to do with the gang activities and the bad neighborhoods and the inner cities across the country. That also blows up the numbers. I'm just saying, you got to be able to protect yourselves. Can't we agree to that much? But let's take a look at Norway.

They don't have this problem. Let's take a look at Switzerland, the land of hot cocoa and fairies. Hmm, what do we have that they don't have? Oh, 60,000 squabbling ethnicities and uh you know gang gang affiliations in every major city in the kind of again those you can't people just think it's like a lonely white guy shooting up a school it's not if you're talking about four more people and involved in a shooting you have to punch those numbers into so and uh chicago's the best example of a city and it's true has has and dc too they have the the the strictest gun uh laws and then

they have the fucking worst crime so your theory's going in the toilet everybody should they should hand them out hand the guns out as people are coming in. Here, protect yourself. Un-fucking-believable. Just a, just a loser. He, you know, I was reading about, he worshipped these guys,

you know. Columbine and whoever else. Jerkoff and South, and Charleston, and, and, you know. I don't know.

Girls, you have to sleep with these guys. A lot of that is pent-up anger. You got to fucking at least get my hand job, you know. A lot of that, it makes them crazy. They're backed up jizz. It's like candle wax. They go cuckoo. They're lonely.

Help them out. No no i'm not blaming girls i'm just joking around here but uh just i i couldn't believe what the fuck i was hearing and then i watched the coverage all week and couldn't believe i you know scarce mention of the christian thing it's just you got to look out for it, but the political correctness, it's unbelievable. They love a rigged game, don't they? Yeah, they do. It's just Christians.

What else, kiddos? I talked to you since like Yogi died, right? Yogi Berra. College football yesterday. I watched a doozy when I was at the W Hotel laying on my bed 11 hours before the gig where the curtains pulled. $8.40 worth of the mini bar. Nothing like a $21 bag of fucking Fritos, huh? But I watched a good one.

Ohio State, the number one team in the country, a few people who like college football, was playing Indiana, who was undefeated, going into that game. And, you know, Ohio State kicks the shit out of Indiana and schools like that all the time. But came down to Indiana. They're a legitimate team.

You're going to see them ranked all year, I think. Christ, Ohio State had to fend off a pass in the end zone to keep the victory at the end of the game. Indiana would not go away. 34-27, Ohio State prevailed, but it was a great football game. And then you had Michigan State, I think the number two in the country. Purdue gave them a good struggle. Michigan beat them by a field goal.

TCU and Texas. When I was a kid, Texas used to whip TCU. It used to, TCU was just a punching bag for everybody. Now it's the other way around. Christ, I think at halftime, TCU had like 44 points or something. They, you know, they took their foot off the gas out of respect, I guess, in the second half. And they, TCU won 50-7. They took their foot off the gas out of respect, I guess, in the second half.

And TCU won 50-7. Baylor, they put up no less than 60 points a game every time. They smoked Texas Tech. What were some other good ones in there? West Virginia can't beat Oklahoma. I just can't do it. LSU, Eastern Michigan. Oh, Florida.

Florida. They beat, you know who, Ole Miss. Ole Miss had beat Alabama a couple weeks ago, and I think Ole Miss was, well, they're right up there, right? Two, two or three? Anyways, the Gators put a whipping on them, 38 to 10. But like I said, folks, I love the NFL too, but you can I can't you can't get enough football if you love football I don't understand if you just love the sport what you do if you watch the NFL every day how you wouldn't fucking have a watch two days of it it is it's just great man

so uh yeah Penn State over Army whatever but But Ohio State looks very beatable. Let's put it that way. I think Urban Meyer would admit that at this point. But he's such a good coach. They get better as the weeks go on, and they will. And they're going to have to. Oh, how about I didn't mention Alabama kicking the shit out of Georgia. Why is that not in the fucking paper?

That was supposed to be the game of the day. Nick Chubb is the running back for Georgia. Great running back. He was supposed to run all over. Alabama was actually an underdog going into that game. And they whipped him. Whipped him 38 to something. I don't know. I don't have the score right in front of me. What the hell else? I had 10 right in the pool as far as the nfl last week that's actually good for me double figures but uh this week might be a different story i'm afraid to go upstairs and look um jets played in london against the dolphins i don't understand you know i guess the nfl is trying to obviously turn europe onto our game everything's going to go global eventually

whether you like it or not. But they picked the shittiest matchups to play over in London. That's how you're going to fucking sell the game? The Dolphins? Jets? No offense, but this is the first time they've had anything. So the Jets beat up on the Dolphins

to be expected. And Giants went up to Buffalo and fucking, once again, Rex Ryan, the most overrated coach in the history of the NFL. And I like him. He's an entertaining guy with a big yap. But he is just,

he couldn't carry his father's fucking hemorrhoid donut. Giants went up there and bitch slapped him. And the Pats have a bye. By the way, how do my pats look how does tom brady i'll tell you how fucking perfect as usual and they had the three and oh and they had a nice week off i was watching uh i was watching a video of vicious hits football hits from i mean like an accumulation of over 10 years of 20 years of hits. And I mean some of the most vicious shit. And there was one in there. Tom Brady.

Trying to get to the sideline against the Bills. And somebody came up and knocked his fucking helmet off. And laid him out. I don't know where I was that Sunday. I don't remember it. It was unbelievable. It was like seeing somebody clothesline Charles Krauthammer on Fox News. Just fucking some defensive back come up and took his head off.

I can't believe. I don't know where I was. I don't remember that one. God, he looked like a Volvo dummy. Fucking Tom is not the most mobile. It's like he's got a body cast on and ski boots. Baseball, the Mets. The Mets have clinched a playoff spot,

and they get no-no'd by Max Scherzer last night through a no-hitter, and they lost a doubleheader. Really getting ready for that playoffs, I see, huh? I'm sure maybe they had a bunch of shit bums in there. But let me tell you about my socks, folks, and I know they suck this year, but let me tell you, they have a team, a building. Even Joel Sherman wrote a whole article on it.

And I haven't read it yet because I didn't see the Sox game last night because I was in D.C. I have a DBR. I don't know if I'm going to have time tonight. I also have to put myself on tape for the show The Good Wife. Yeah, that's what it's come down to, folks. Shows that I pee on. I'm actually auditioning for. But I really like to run into Julianne Margulies in person.

That's how I pick my... Think that maybe had something to do with my career sucking? I only go to the... I only accept the auditions where the fucking leaders are hot broad. Yeah, so I have two scenes to memorize for that when I get done with this show here. And I got to memorize Colin shit. And I'm going to put myself on tape for the good wife.

The role calls for a former, it says college football. It says lineman, a big, it says a massive guy which is funny because my agent debbie ebstein who would have guessed she doesn't know the difference between a running back at a division one double a one double a school at maine and a fucking a center for the university of alabama that's what they're really looking for for this role but it's uh it has nothing to do with football it just happens to be an ex-football player who's a in politics i don't know i don't know how they decide this shit folks so i'll just uh you know i'll just go out and get a go to the men's warehouse get a size 68 jacket and stuff it with toilet paper and uh stand in a box and have my wife shoot me on my cell phone

do you believe people do auditions with cell phones now? My agent goes, yeah, you can use your phone. I go, get the fuck out of here. Really? People are booking shit? It's kind of cheesy, no? Yeah, I don't know. I think it is.

Well, this goes out to all you feminists. I don't want to forget you. What's up to Hillary? The war against women. With the big saggy tits. On my face at night. I like big tits. That's right. I try to look away, but I can't resist. Every time I try to call it quits. Here come some tits.

Here come them tits. Four big tits. Four big tits. I like big tits. Who don't, huh? Who don't? I'll tell you who don't. Who don't? How do you choose your favorite tit? No, it isn't.

I like the one on the left. Tits for dinner. What does E.D.I. mean? Write this shit? Tits for dinner. Tits for dinner. This is 80 on me. Right, this shit? Well, folks, I'm going to wrap it up. I'm going to go learn some lines for the good ones.

It's over. It's over, Johnny. It's never over. It's not over. I'm doing Stallone in First Blood. For you, it's over. For me, it never stops. Come back to the airport,

people call us baby killers and all that vile crap. Alrighty, kids. Oh, yeah, I was talking about my Red Sox. They are loaded. They are loaded. All these young guys came of age in the second half.

And I'm telling you, you know they have the best ERA in baseball since the All-Star break. I don't know how to explain that. But the offense is killer. And I know, like I said, Joel Sherman wrote a whole article that I haven't read yet. I think he's the best baseball guy in the New York as far as writers go. But anyways, they're going to be players next year. That's what we do.

We come in last a couple of years ago. Then we're doing. We come in last for a couple years in a row, then we win it, and we come in last. Excuse me. Hockey's are starting. That's about it. Did I cover everything? Mass shooting by fuckface. Again, don't mention his name. D.C. benefit.

Putin in Syria playing Obama like a little girl. Colin Cho, Hillary, SNL, de Blasio, Mama Luke. The Mama Luke of the year. The one with the Mama Luke. That's about it, kids. I will, oh yeah, plugs. Hope I wasn't supposed to read the spot for Adam and Eve. I think I did it four times.

I think it was a month thing. Anyways, I like big zits. That's right. Gramercy Theater, October 17th, if you haven't heard. Then I'm doing a couple of private things Thursday, the 22nd. But you're not going to be invited. Then Saturday, the 24th in New Haven at the Sports Haven, New Haven, Connecticut.

It's like a nice casino, actually. Pretty good gig. Pretty good goddamn gig. Doing our red eye on October 31st, which is Halloween. November 4th, excuse me, November 5th, 6th, and 7th, McGuby's in Timonium, Maryland, right outside of Baltimore. It's an A room. It's a good room.

Like it a lot. Done it many times. November 12, 13, and 14, the Comedy Club of Jacksonville, Florida. And then November 28, Suffolk Theater, Riverhead, New York. December 4 and 5, the comedy scene in Foxborough, Mass., right at Gillette Stadium.

You know, I haven't been there. How embarrassing is that? I have not been there. Imagine me, the Pats fan. That's enough for now, kiddies. Can you guys think of anything else? Say that like I have a whole staff here. I love you for helping me to construct my life.

Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much. Fuck you! Fuck you! You have done it without a word without a touch without a sign you have done it by just being yourself Remember this ending to my show? That's the first one. Alrighty, kids. talk to you next time

bye bye guitar solo I'm out.