The Nick DiPaolo Show - 104 - Dems Debate, Cop Show, Louie

Episode Date: October 20, 2015

Dems Debate, Cop Show, Louie

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello everybody, how are you? Good to talk to you again. What is going on in the world? A hell of a lot. We're just rotting, aren't we, as a species? If I read one more story about somebody tossing a fucking brand new baby out the window in the inner city somewhere what the fuck is going on

and I said on stage the other night if Bernie Sanders really thought black lives matter he should be in the Bronx in an alley with a catcher's mitt three times in three months I've read about a brand new baby being tossed and no I don't know that it's I'm not saying it's just it's uh I'm guessing it's poor people black Hispanic um because when you read the story they're not gonna tell you and but you just have to do you be

detective you go what part of the city they talking about blah blah blah and it's poor people but um what the fuck yes i know white white mothers uh drown their kids in tubs and drive them into lakes i'm not saying i'm just saying for every one time that happens um you read about 200 of these every five years if you add them all up it's crazy fucking crazy but um before i get into that before i get into any lives let's get into my life. That's the life that really matters, my plugs. Thank you, first of all, people that came out to Gramercy. Not a full house by any stretch of the imagination,

but again, Saturday night, we had the Triple G fight at the Garden. We had the Mets were in town, and thank you for coming out. It was still fun. town and uh thank you for coming out it was still fun um quickly saturday night this saturday night the 24th i'm at the sports haven in new haven connecticut good gig i got a couple gigs one wednesday and thursday you don't need to know i'm doing a benefit for the cops on friday in manville new jersey and something in toronto on thursday night uh magubis uh that's in timonium maryland i hate i i hate the name of the town and i hate the name of the club and it's a great gig uh that's november five six and seven magubis timonium uh can't even

fucking say it um maryland and then uh the following weekend november 12 13 14 the comedy club of jacksonville florida new gig can't wait to do it suffolk theater in riverhead new york on the 28th of november done that one a few times love it one of my favorite gigs and the comedy scene at gette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts, December 4 and 5. Aight, aight. What's going on? The Democrats had what they call a debate. Fucking pricelessly.

Just. Well, let's dedicate this song to Hillary Clinton. Because she thinks she should be president because, you know, she's a chick. And they say, what separates you from an Obama administration? Well, I'm a girl. Well, how to be a feminist, huh? You should vote for me because I have a Clinton tits. That's what she's saying.

Couldn't be any more less... feminine. She does make me angry just at the sight of her. I just... I don't know what you fuckers are thinking about on the left. I don't think you like her either, to be honest. I know the young kids don't. Alrighty, Hillary. Hillary All right, Hillary.

Hillary got big tats. Big, saggy fun bags reaching down to her cankles to distract you from that fucking face that was chiseled out of granite and dog shit. Enough of that.

I don't want to be labeled sexist. Fuck off. Fuck off. And enough. The fucking incessant whining of feminists and Black Lives Matter and immigrant groups and lawyers and just a constant fucking whine.

You should see it from a white heterosexual male seat. You really should. Oh, that's right. The world has been handed to us. I forgot. Blow me. Anyways, I like big tits. I like big tits.

So I did, what, Anthony Comey's podcast with Joe Matariz last week, and that was fun. It was always fun. It's always fun. The guy, Ant, makes me laugh my balls off, and Joey was good. Matariz, I thought they had met, you know, I just assumed Matariz had been on ONA many times, but no, they never had even met.

So that was kind of fun, And it's in the city now. It's not back. It's not in his house out in Long Island. It's in the city. So we'll see how that works out. He must have a half million dollars worth of studio. It's like walking into CB of equipment, I should say, in the studio. It's like walking into CBS.

It's fucking crazy. So, yeah. the studio it's like walking into cbs it's fucking crazy um so uh yeah and uh while i was there i get a text from uh louis ck hey you want to watch the debates at my house and i'm like fuck yeah who knows who's gonna show up i went there for thanksgiving and um there's like you know 10 and 12 15 people there half of them died i think yeah i'm blaming it on louis stuffing but but remember i told you that uh joan rivers was there and philip seymour hoffman uh and i was like louis did you did you cook the bird i mean am i going next but uh he's a character so yeah i go over to louis and um remind me to talk about the commute into Gramercy. How are you going to remind me? I don't have a fucking phone.

Look, I'm talking like this is a live radio show. I have a phone call. Just real quickly, the commute into Gramercy. I'm laying there watching Michigan, Michigan State, 17-14. Just a delicious matchup. Like number five against seven or seven against nine. Whatever. Just a fucking delicious

or no actually michigan's like 15 or 18 but anyways just a fucking hardcore rivals it's always a good game but now that harbaugh has um michigan playing like a top 20 team and anyways 17 14 delicious game i i look at my app you Waze app. I'm on my couch watching the game. And I go, let me see. It's usually about 50 to 52 minutes into where the Gramercy Theater is from my house. And I check it and it says an hour and five minutes. And I'm like, uh-oh, might be a little bit shit. So I, something, just, I just said, I better get the fuck out of here.

It was like 6. 6 6 15 i throw my jacket leave my house and holy shit i'm glad i did took me a full mother fucking 90 fucking cock sucking fucking angry fucking i've been i've been making this commute again. I moved up to Westchester in like 2000, so I've been making it for 15 years. Never in my life. I look, the thing about the WayZap, you look at it, and if there's a lot of traffic,

like the map, bright red, the road that you're on will be bright red, meaning like fucking bumper to bumper. I went about eight miles from my house, and again, it's about a 34-minute trek, 34-mile trek. I look at the fucking Waze app about 10 minutes into the ride, and it's like solid red every fucking minute. And it takes you the fastest.

It was just fucking, I put in my John Denver music to calm me down. I was just cursing over him. I'm like, I'm glad that fucking glider you and crash you, motherless fuck. I was just fucking, I couldn't. It just takes, you go from one minute to relax and watch on a delicious, and then I'm bumping and bumping with these motherless fucking 18 wheelers on both sides. Where the fuck are they going? Where are they going?

And then it dawned on me, you had the fight at Madison Square Garden. Golovkin was fighting. And you also had the Mets. So why fucking Wayzap was taking me down the way it was going, because I live right above New York City. I can go down the west side, and it took me down the other side, fucking Taconic Springbrook, that, you know, 278 West FDR. Anyway, just a fucking...

What was I talking about? I think I was talking about Hillary, wasn't I, before I went on this fucking rant, I'm all over the place today, folks, and, and then I get to the fucking, you know, so I get there at like 10 of 8, 10 minutes before the gig, and, and then I go to park, like, right, I'm like, this can't be right, right in front of the theater, like a little past the front door, and I, you know, I get out of my car, and I have to read a street sign that was, I don't know, you had to have a fucking law degree. It had like 11 paragraphs.

You could park there. Like I said, if you're a Muslim with one leg and you have a backpack full of SpaghettiOs and fucking hair on your left nipple and it's a full moon, you can fucking park there. If not,

I was standing there, I was reading the sign for five minutes, commercial vehicles, Monday through Friday. And finally, this like doorman, it's like Greek, I think he was Greek, he comes out. He goes, you're good there till Monday morning. He starts laughing. I go, do you see how much fucking writing on this?

He goes, I know. I help people all the time. I tell them, you're good till Monday morning. I'm losing my fucking mind. And meanwhile, the people that run Gramercy uh fucking they're out front watching me read the sign laughing their balls off going this guy's fucking crazy what was I talking about before I snapped was it uh Hillary I think it was right the debates and shit yeah I went to Louie's for the debates

and uh I get there and uh he was expecting like 15 people but only like six showed up so he had he must have had i'm not i'm not joking he must have had like 140 dollars worth of uh sushi which i fucking love by the way i know that should surprise you but you know i'll eat three pork chops after i have sushi going yeah i'm kind of full where's the fucking pork oh two california rolls i almost farted give me a fucking half a steak so we uh yeah i get over there and just first of all it's just me and louie fucking guy cracks me up and uh and then fred armerson shows up with his uh girlfriend and uh a couple of young comedian guys who I didn't know. I know their name was Bob.

One of them was Bob, and they were brothers. One was Dan, I think, I believe. So we just went up to Louie's. He's got the, you know, giant screen TV, whatever the fuck, and we just, it's funny because I'm sitting there, right? I'm the only one that fucking leans right. I'm sitting amongst, you know, they're probably looking that fucking leans right. Sitting amongst, you know, they probably are. They're probably looking at me going, why did Louie invite this guy?

And, you know, I'm just biting my tongue. Try not to throw gobs of shit like a monkey at the TV. Well, Bernie Sanders and the rest of these fucking old white lot of diversity. They're Democrats. A lot of diversity up on that stage. there Democrats a lot of diversity up on that stage I see diversity is very important until uh until it's an issue of grabbing the most powerful job on the planet then you guys you like your rig game you fucking lying titless fucks anyways I'm sitting there just Hillary comes on I want to fucking punch her right in the wrinkle throw and then stupid Bernie Sanders promising the fucking world yeah but how are you gonna pay for it i'll text the billionaires really that's gonna do it what i that's gonna cover they did

a thing and i think it was a wall street journal you know to if if if that actually if he implemented his plan bernie's plan you know free tuition for everybody as far as college goes and and all the other fucking goodies it was like 18 trillion bucks. And he goes, he was on those Sunday morning shows. He goes, that's a bunch of baloney. Well, what's the actual figure? We haven't figured it out yet, but that's where it is. You talk about Trump, not getting specific.

Get the fuck out of here with you. And of course, there's enough dummies in this country that'll fucking go, oh, free shit, okay. That's the whole plan for fucking Dems. Just a nitwit promising the fucking world free health care we're the only country free health care that does not have free health care yeah and he points to like three other countries you add up the people there's like 11 11 people total um you know just just fucking happy horseshit you know yeah there's fucking and all the people that he hates the billionaires and millionaires yeah a lot of them fucking get it's true they do they get a fucking you know listen to trump they get a ton of tax breaks you know what they also do they create

jobs those fucking billionaires they create jobs people who run companies create the fucking economy what do you think it It's stupid Obama and fucking community organizers that fucking create jobs? No, you just suck off the tit of taxpayers. So yeah, you can hate the billionaires and millionaires, but they also make shit work. You wouldn't have an economy without

them. Nobody brings that up. Fucking nitwits. Hey. Want a good paying job? Fucking go to bed on a fucking at a decent hour get up fucking go to school work your way through school like my brother did move your family around eight times yeah like that was fucking handed to him anyway i really enjoyed myself. But did you watch? Well, let's listen. I got the big moment of the debate was, by the way, they didn't ask any questions.

And it's the reason I was fucking watching it. Any questions about foreign policy? You know, the biggest failure of this administration. About foreign policy. You know, the biggest failure of this administration. They have the fucking Secretary of State, the former Secretary of State, who is actually, you know, involved in creating this mess. They have her right in the debate.

Not one fucking question. CNN, you fucking, you like a rigged game. Like Randall Patrick McMurphy said in Cuckoo's Nest. About Nurse Ratched. She likes a way it game. Like, you really do. Not one. I think they asked one question.

I don't remember what the fuck it was. How the anything on immigration either. Just just CNN playing. Just fucking playing to Debbie Schultz Wasserman's fucking game plan. Anyways, here's Bernie Sanders defending Hillary and her fucking shitstorm that she's in. Let me say something that may not be great politics, but I think

the secretary is right. She is a secretary. Get my coffee, bitch. And that is that the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails. Thank you. Me too. Me too. I'm glad you can speak for all Americans, Bernie, you fucking dick cheese. And let me say something about the media as well. I go around the country, talk to a whole lot of people.

Middle class in this country is collapsing. We have 27 million people living in poverty. We have massive wealth and income inequality. Our trade policies have cost us millions of decent jobs. The American people want to know whether we're going to have a democracy or an oligarchy as a result of Citizens United. Enough of the emails. Let's talk about the real issue. Thanks to America.

Listen to her. Yeah, that cycle. Listen to her. Yeah, that cycle. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's Hillary in the debate. The last to go will see the first three go before her. And there remains your little dog, too. Big salgy tits. Fucking face of a wolf. How about a little fire, scarecrow? That's her throwing fire at Chafee.

That's Ted Cruz pissing on Hillary. Oh, what a world. What a world. Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oh, look out. Look out. I'm going. Oh. Oh.

That's right, you fucking wrinkled bag of cheese. Yeah, Bernie Sanders come coming to Hillary's rescue. I think all of Americans. No, no. Actually, there's a zillion Americans who want to hear more. The fucking FBI is involved, but let's forget about it. Again, that used to work when there was no Fox News to fucking the New York Times and Washington Post and NBC CBS ABC that strategy used to work when there was no Fox fucking news but you can't do that anymore you can't you can't get

into a scandal and then just keep ringing it out and and and a little at a time until eventually you just go oh people are tired of hearing about the fucking FBI as we speak are fucking going over her emails and shit so it's you might be tired of it and if i was a democrat or a lib i'd be fucking tired of it but oh no oh no there's more people than just you in the world yeah yeah i don't give a shit if it was fucking bipartisan or not she fucking she should be in jail you listen to lawyers on tv who know anything about the constitution right she should be in jail already for what she's fucking done she's violated like 13 statutes by by by using a private server and having classified shit on there there's like she's

there's like 19 statutes that she's violated oh they're just they're just making it up there it's all this is political yeah it's political she's a politician people on the right of politicians yeah it's political of course it is yeah hillary vote for me it's ironic she wants to get elected because she has a vagina, but I think she's got a big dick and balls.

You see him on the street? Left and right. Did you see SNL? Larry David, who I think it was Colin Quinn who told me that he sounds that Bernie Sanders sounds just like Larry David when he's doing George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld. That's that is true. So but Larry was on SNL. Tracy Morgan hosted. God bless him. Back in action. You could tell he's a little just a little off, but but i don't know if it was him or the writing i don't know but uh good to see him that guy makes me laugh man he makes me friggin laugh that brian fellow shit cracked me up but uh they obviously the you know one of the opening sketches was the democratic debate and larry david was playing the role of Bernie Sanders.

Larry was also a Jew from Brooklyn. So he's got the accent down. And it was pretty funny. Here's one of the better highlights of the sketch. How would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama administration? For me, I'm an outsider, Anderson. I'm the only candidate up here who's not a billionaire. I don't have a super pack.

I don't even have a backpack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor. You know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That's it. Some of these billionaires, they got three, four pairs. And I don't have a dryer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So who do you want as president?

One of these Washington insiders or a guy who has one pair of clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? underwear that he drives on a radiator. Bernie Sanders dot com. Chuck it out. It's a mess. Good line.

But you see how they go. That was actually a sympathetic characterization of his views. And see, they don't cut as deep when SNL's writing about the Dems. Do you notice they just don't quite cut into the policies, you know? And they just don't quite. It's something a little superficial. Still funny. But, and don't think that doesn't have an effect on people.

That show has an enormous effect. Tina Fey single-handedly destroyed, not single-handedly, but Sarah Palin. So yeah, they just cut a little bit lighter when it's the fucking Dems. What else during the debate was funny? It was kind of dry and but like i said there's you know nothing really on immigration foreign policy can you fucking imagine can you imagine let me turn this up i'm checking my lights here um

how about you know who what's his name lincoln chafee is that his first name governor of rhode island oh have you looked at his history how much this guy's flip-flopped he's changed parties and and he he looks and uh we're making fun of obviously we're sitting in the room uh and like when when um louis had some good lines about when Bernie Sanders is talking like he'll pause, he'll say something, they don't pause for like two seconds. And and that's him not knowing at that second where the fuck he is, because he's and it's true. I do it at my age. I can imagine it's 70 something. But but Lincoln Chafee said his first name. Am I making that up? But Lincoln Chafee looks like Bill Maher with AIDS. He looks just like a very sickly Bill. If Bill Maher was strung out on heroin or something.

He's kind of like a woman he'd look to him too. Not Bill Maher. Yeah, Lincoln Chafee does. But just a real dope. Just a real dope. Did you hear him? He's like, I didn't know. I had just gotten to Washington.

I was brand. I don't even know what had just gotten to Washington. I was brand. I don't even know what he was talking about. We were belly laughing. We were yelling shit at the TV. I was yelling shit out that would like get silence. You know, Louie would look at me with a nervous laugh. And I think like Fred Armisen's girlfriend's like appalled. I didn't.

Nobody told me if she was a comedian, if she's in show business. I just figured I could say anything in the room. Because if you're an artist or a comedian, we all give ourselves that much, but she, at one point, she goes to me, language, I think the word cunt might have fucking done it, but yeah, well, here's, oh, just Chafee, how, can you imagine, I mean, yeah, he's to be certified to be nuts to think he even had a shot. A fucking shot. Just a real goober, isn't he? Here he is.

Here's some of Chafee there on the debate. It is good to see you, though. Good to see you. It has been a long time, you know, since I've seen you folk last. I got married. I did. I got married. It was a military wedding.

I know it's been there. Let's put it that way. You know what a shotgun wedding is, don't you? That's a matter of wife or death. Oh, did you say that? Really, Lincoln? Chafee? I met my wife through her brother. He said to me, would you like to meet my sister? This is Lincoln Chafee during the debates.

I said, you got a sister? He said, I got two. One's named Lassie, the other one's named Helga. I said, Lassie's a doll. He said, wait till you meet Helga. Oh, Lincoln. That's what I was hearing every time he opened his fucking dumb yap. Ugh. Ha ha ha. that's how, that's what I was hearing every time he opened his fucking dumb yap, that's actually, what I just played you actually made more sense than when he announced,

do you remember when he announced that he was running for president a few months back, what his big plan was, what his message, what was important to him, and the reason he was running. Here it is. Here's the actual. Here's J.P., one of his big plans for the United States to transform it fundamentally. Earlier, I said, let's be bold. Here's a bold embrace of internationalism.

It's dead serious. Let's join the rest of the world and go metric. I happen to live in Canada. And they completed the process. The press is laughing. Believe me, it's easy. It doesn't take long before 34 degrees is hot. Only Myanmar, Liberia, and the united states aren't metric and it will help our economy

he's dead fucking serious he's dead fucking serious and people make fun of fucking people on the right for being stupid and can you fucking imagine this guy. Unbelievable. They let him in the debate. They let him in the debate. Oh, God help us. I think I could govern Rhode Island. It's a little bigger than, it's like a little bigger than, like, Pittsfield, Mass.

I just pulled that out of my ass. But, um... Oh, God, I was trying not to laugh every time he opened his dirty mouth. It is good to see you, though, good to see you. It has been a long time, you know, since I've seen you folk last. I got married, I full glass i got married i did i got married what a dick and um who else do we have up there

martin o'malley who looked like a mannequin he looked like the guy in the underwear ads and like in those old says catalogs uh just he looked like a robot just a underwear ads and like in those old Sears catalogs. Just he looked like a robot. Just a fucking. And he would turn his body when like Hillary was speaking. Whoever was speaking, he'd turn completely. He'd do a 180 and face them. So he was like perpendicular to whoever was speaking. It was really creepy.

He's got those slanty eyes. But he's got a good resume to run on. Because, I mean, look at the city of Baltimore. And he did a lot for Maryland. He really did. What the fuck is he thinking? I think I'd go with Chafee before him. And, again, his big, big, he showed what kind of spine he had when he was at a Black Lives Matter event.

And he said, all lives matter. And they started booing him. So the next day he apologized. Can you imagine? But saying all lives matter, white lives matter, he had to, he didn't have to. He apologized. That's the kind of leadership, that's the kind of spine this country needs right what a dick i don't remember what he i i don't even i i can't remember anything

he said during the debate and then we had uh jim webb only guy really on that stage who's ever done anything. He was in, I think he was in NAM. He was in the military. He has to get his, he has to get a new shirt maker. His collar was like choking. If you remember, he had his chin down

like he was trying to keep blood from gushing out of a hole in his throat. Very fucking odd. But, again, out of everybody up there, I respect him

more than those other people. you know he is a little they say he's a little uh he flies off the handle and you know well here's some of him during the debate and uh i really enjoyed it nothing is over nothing you just don't turn it off it wasn't my war you asked asked me, I didn't ask you. And I did what I had to do to win. But somebody wouldn't let us win. And I come back to the world, and I see all those maggots at the airport

protesting me, spitting, calling me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap. Who are they to protest me, huh? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about. It's a bad time for everyone, Rambo. It's all in the past now.

For you! For me to be alive is nothing! In the field we had a coat of honor. You watch my back, I watch yours. Back here there's nothing. You're the last of an elite group. Don't end it like this. Back there I could fly a gunship. I could drive a tank.

I was in charge of million dollar equipment. Back here I can't even hold a this. Back there, I could fly a gunship. I could drive a tank. Your time is up. I was in charge of million-dollar equipment. Back here, I can't even hold a job. Fucking guys! And he fell off the stage. This song just keeps coming back. That's what he fought for. What the fuck else airstrike has killed uh

senafi al-nazra a saudi citizen and the leading financier for al-qaeda and its khorasan group offshoot khorasan i thought they were a uh financial group i think i have some shares with them um yeah this is what the pentagon reporting. Al-Nasr, who had organized routes for new recruits to travel from Pakistan to Syria through Turkey, was killed in an airstrike on Thursday in northwest Syria, according to the Pentagon. Al-Nasr is the fifth senior Khorasan group leader killed in the last four months, the Pentagon said. Yeah, I'd like to believe you, but the Obama administration doctors these reports, and that's what we were told last two weeks ago, that they're making, they're painting a rosier picture

than it really is. I don't know what to believe. Officials have described Khorasan as particularly menacing faction of militants who have been using their sanctuary in Syria to try to organize plots to attack U.S. and other Western targets. Well, I'll give Obama that much. He has used those drones.

But it says a U.S.-led coalition airstrike. Okay, who are the other people involved? Can you mention those? Maybe if I Google this, it'll probably show the drone hit. I'd like to see this. I don't believe what I read anymore. You got to see it to believe it. I told you, right? I was filmed from a drone doing comedy.

Mentioned that a few episodes ago when we went over to Afghanistan and me, Artie, and Baba Bowie, and Natel, and Florentine. Yeah. They actually took pictures of us, gave them to us after from a drone. Us doing stand-up. The way my career's going, I wish they'd let one of those predators go right up my ass. Iran open to tourism. Hey, there's good news.

Huh? There's good news. Iran is open for tourism. news iran is open for tourism iran's vice president said sunday his country is preparing for a tsunami of foreign tourists as world powers are set to begin implementing a landmark nuclear deal that will lift sanctions and return for curbs on the nation's nuclear program. Yes, me and my wife go to Iran every year. It's a beautiful time. We go in the fall.

You can watch the bodies change colors that are hanging in the public squares from cranes. Yeah, they go from brown to green to rotten. It's beautiful. It's a fucking beautiful thing over there. Tourism in Iran. Maybe if you get there, you can watch maybe some clitoral mutilation of women, you know.

It's beautiful this time of year. Baby drive through downtown with the windows open and a car playing this. See how this flies in. See i think the tourists play this i like big better shut that up so yeah if you guys are looking for something to do i don't know over the holidays uh iran they say it's gonna be uh people are gonna just fucking

just a tsunami of foreigners heading over to iran are you shitting me i don't know what was the movie that uh Stiller just did, you know, about the Canadian, they snuck out the fucking hostages, I can't remember the title of it, but just that airport scene where they're going over your paperwork, which sort of happened to me in Afghanistan, I already told that story, I'm not going to tell it again, but just that alone would make me, you could, they could give me a $5 million condo over there. I don't know how that would work, what that would consist of in Iran,

and I wouldn't fucking go over there. They're expecting a tsunami of foreign tourists. Oh, I thought that was fucking hilarious. What the hell else, kiddos? Oh, it's so funny. I was watching football this weekend, and I put on the Ohio State Penn State game. No, I was watching that after I came home from work.

I recorded a bunch of shit like I always do, and I was watching it actually the next day. yesterday, I was watching Ohio State, Penn State. That's the beauty of, I don't know, of what I do. I can go do my gig and, you know, unless it's a local sports team. Nobody gives a shit about college football. Nobody gives a shit about sports and the business I'm in, you know. Half of them are gay. And nobody gives a shit. I go to my gig, although although dan soda is as big a football fan as i am um but i go to the gig and i come home and uh you know not knowing the results of any of the games

i got like eight of them taped and uh yeah jesus i'm fat i just grabbed my fucking waist jesus christ i'm to sue fucking Sean T. You got the sweat. You got the drop. You got a pot belly. I ain't going to fuck you. So I come home, and yeah, yesterday morning, I'm watching Penn State, Ohio State,

not knowing the results. Ain't that beautiful? And they put the camera on the punter for Ohio State, and I'm like, what the fuck? I freeze frame it. He looked just like Billy Burr. So I freeze frame it. And I take a picture right off my television of their punter.

The guy's an Australian. I think he's originally an Australian rugby guy. And he's a great punter. This guy has a touch like a golfer, like a Jordan Spieth. He can drop these punts inside the five-yard line every time. I don't even know his name, not important, but he is Billy Burr. Billy Burr was like 20 years younger. I mean, he actually looked like Billy Burr, just a spit.

So I just, I tweet that picture of him, not thinking any of it. I wake up this morning, it's been, well, I looked at it an hour after I tweeted it. It had already been retweeted like 300 times. And it just kept going all afternoon. And it's approaching, like, it was over 700 retweets this morning. I guess everybody agrees. This kid was a spitting image of billy burr i'm talking coffin corner dude i fucking nailed it coffin corner uh and it's been favored like 2 000 times close to 2 000 times uh which says what it says more about billy's uh social media presence than anything but um yeah people were laughing their balls off it looks just fucking like him i couldn't believe

it and uh yeah so i get to the gig uh you know to do to do gramacy like i said I had to leave uh during the Michigan Michigan State delicious matchup so I get there and I say to Danny uh Soder I come in and a little chit chat and and I go uh I go yeah I just had to fucking leave them because he's a big fan and I said I just had to leave the Michigan Michigan State uh you know watching that he goes did you see how it ended I go I go what do you mean what happened no I can't I can't, I can't even explain to, I got to show it to you. So he takes out his phone and you guys all know by now how it fucking ended. It was the craziest ending to, uh, and again, these are fucking arch rivals. They hate each other, but, uh, well, if you didn't see it, great call by sean mcdonough another boston guy

and and the best one of the best play-by-play guys out there he's just fucking he's no nonsense he'll say shit that ruffles the feathers of the network sometimes he's got that that boston on a streak that i love and what a great call you can hear his voice it's like he sounds like peter brady gone it's fucking voice cracks like five times. But this is how the Michigan State, I think Michigan was up by a couple points. It's fourth down. All they're going to do is punt it. All they're going to do is punt it, and it'll kill, but they have to punt it. There's 10 seconds left in the game.

They're up by two, like less than midfield, A little towards their own end zone, but not too. Anyways, this is what happens. One-step it. Don't take your normal steps. One-step it. Get it out. Guy jinxed the punter. Oh, he has trouble with the snap.

And the ball is free. It's picked up by Michigan State. Jalen wants Jackson. And he scores on the last play of the game. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I couldn't believe it danny takes his phone out and shows me that i couldn't believe i couldn't believe i missed that i should be used to it after been doing this for 28 years i don't know how many times um shit like that has happened but it was uh it was great it was just i i fucking

unbelievable it was kind of a low snap and the guy should have played it you know he could have caught it he he booted it and he's uh and and he goes to uh he tries to pick it up and then he gets spun around and it reminded me of back in the early 70s can't remember the year but the Redskins were playing the Miami Dolphins I think it was their undefeated team early 70s it was a Super Bowl and then uh the Dolphins had a little uh field goal kicker from uh some third world dump yeah Gary Oye Premian who's a lefty kicker. And in the Super Bowl, the ball somehow got bounced. He was out there to kick a field goal. The snap was botched.

He tried to pick it up and run with it, and he batted the ball like a fuck, like it was a volleyball. Just picture a soccer player who had never, like, seen a football, and if you toss it to him instead of, you know, he'd just bat it away. He batted up in the air, and somebody from the Dol the Dolphins like recovered it. That's what it looked like. This kid got spun around and he just sort of, he was bobbling it as he was getting thrown to the ground. I think popped right into some guy's hand for Michigan State, just standing there. And this, and that's why I'm glad I don't gamble anymore. Can you imagine somebody,

I don't gamble anymore. Can you imagine somebody, somebody had money on that, you know, one way or the other somewhere. And I mean real fucking money and loses on something like that. Although I don't know what the line was, to be honest with you,

but I'm just saying it happens all the time. Just like last night, again, you know, I'm in that stupid football pool. I take, I take the Pats laying seven and a half because I think, by the way, how good I take the Pats, laying seven and a half, because I think, by the way, how good are the fucking Pats? Huh?

By the way, how good are the Patriots, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady? And I'll keep saying it until they finally falter like they were supposed to have last year. But I thought they were going to, you know, come out and I thought they would just fucking, you know, because of the whole deflategate thing, they were going to really out, and I thought they would just fucking, you know, because of the whole deflate gate thing, they were going to really lay it on heavy last night. And what happens?

They're up by 13. Again, they score at will, and the defense was a little soft last night, but that will be fixed by the genius. Anyways, I'm up by 13, but then there's a couple minutes left, and I'm already cursing out the TV. I'm already cursing out the TV. Again, it cursing out the, again, it's a pool. I don't have any real money on it, but that's not the point. Okay?

I'm laying seven and a half. They're up by, I already see what's going to happen. It's going to break on whatever. That half point is going to fuck me in the ass. I know, because what happens? What happens when there's a couple minutes left and you're up by a couple touchdowns? You play that stupid soft prevent.

You don't care unless you're Art Schleester and you have 10 grand on your, and you're betting on a couple couple touchdowns you play that stupid soft prevent you don't care unless you're arch schliester and you have 10 grand on your and you're betting on your own team google arch schliester if you don't know who he is um anyways but i know damn well i know especially i know luck is going to drive them down there and they're going to get that shit touchdown with about 25 seconds left to fucking just uh make my sunday evenittier. I think I had six right. I really took it in the face after having, you know, two weeks ago having 11. Anyways, sure enough, luck drives them down there. It's just so, even, and it's not any money. It's a stupid little pool. I didn't lose anything. It just makes me feel shitty isn't that sad

what the fuck but I knew because you can see it coming and it's like okay then why would you because I thought the Pats were gonna route him I mean really route him but uh huh Brady just throwing better than ever he's actually got a little he's actually moving around in the pocket

better than he ever has it's so funny every time he goes back to pass I hold my breath it's like watching you know it's like watching an epileptic holding a fucking what do you call it Fabergé egg

some fucking kind of reference was that I don't know suck it oh yeah exactly uh was that? I don't know. Suck it. Yeah, exactly. So stay on the football, I guess, huh? I'm going back and forth. Oh, yeah, we'll stay on that. How about the shit that's going on in the parking lots after games, whether it be baseball or football, huh? We really are rotting at the core. We're rotting.

We're coming apart at the seams. The social fabric, I don't give a fuck. We're rotting. I care what anybody says. We need a benign dictator to get in there. How about, you know, the Pats last week? Do you remember hearing about this? You didn't you remember hearing about this you didn't hear about it if you didn't hear about it don't be surprised because the nfl i guess they they're in cahoots

with the media too because they can't have stories like this getting out again uh patriots fan was shot in the neck and died three days later got shot after the cowboys game. Richard Sells, his name was. The gunman, Marvin Rodriguez, 28, was arrested on the scene. He was holding a gun to another guy's head. I guess a big brawl had broke. I don't know. He was holding a gun to another guy's head.

That guy's name was Lester Peters. How lucky does he feel? Of Lufkin. Rodriguez let Peters go, but got involved in a second fight, and a minute later, and he shot Sells. Weapons are prohibited by state law. Oh, I guess the gun laws didn't work there either, huh? Yeah, of course they're prohibited. Really? Thanks.

Sells was recently engaged in expecting a child, naturally. Right? Can you fucking imagine? Can you imagine? But here's what I don't understand about this story. They set bail at 200 G's. I didn't know you set bail when somebody murdered somebody. I mean, it was upgraded to murder after he died because he died a few days later. But still, why was there bail involved? You can shoot somebody and still get out on fucking bail? Think that might have something to do with our gun problems? Can you friggin' imagine how fucking horrible?

Yeah. Initially, he was facing charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault causing serious bodily injury. And then it was upgraded to murder after the guy died, obviously. What the fuck is going on, though? Because then the week before that, after the first game of the National League Division Series when the Dodgers lost to the Mets,

a mother and son duo reportedly set upon a Mets fan in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium. A mother and son duo. Well, is that like Shirley Jones and David Cassidy? It's funny, huh? You haven't heard anything about these suspects. The attack took place after the Mets games a couple weeks ago, after a verbal spat with a pair.

Of course, the son was sucker punched. He was just knocked out immediately. You could hear his head hit in the concrete. Luckily, there's some Dodgers fans who have a soul that actually helped, you know, apply towel to this guy's head. But police have been hesitant to say if the duo or victim were fans of a particular team. Boy, I could make a comment that would get me kicked out of podcast radio. Naturally, as this series is a couple of degrees above the power to kid class,

what does that got to do with it? Video of the assault has been attained by the LAPD who announced that the woman appears to be in her 40s and 50s and the sum between uh 25 and 30 you want to give us any more information maybe we get we gotta help you yeah I just no I no, I like more, more information. I don't know they're in custody now, but I mean, I would like to know more about the story.

Just, just curious, you know? Can you imagine? I don't care. It should say they were white. It could say they were Asian. It could say they were Native American.

You know what I mean? But just tell us. It's how we keep track of shit. Isn't that fucking unbelievable? A guy who was a friend of the victim said he tweeted after, embarrassed to be a Dodgers fan as my Mets fan's friend

is in the hospital missing a piece of his skull after being hit by a low life. The tweet has since been taken down. Why? Why has it been taken down? It should be on national TV.

The LAPD has promised an intensified presence for Game 4. This is, again, the Dodgers have since been eliminated, but I'm just saying. Friday's post-game attack recalls another parking lot assault at the hands of Dodgers fans in 2011, because California is a third-world shithole. When two men snuck up and brutally beat San Francisco Giants fan Brian Stowe, remember that, you guys all heard about that, he received life-threatening brain damage from the assault,

required years of therapy, because they, you know, they stomped on his face after he was unconscious, required years of therapy because they, you know, they stomped on his face after he was unconscious, required years of therapy to recover motor skills and his ability to walk. The L.A.-based Mets fan sounded frightened about the rancor Dodgers fans exhibited

following the Game one loss especially after the attack he goes I've never seen anything like this yeah well get used to it it's the world we live in fucking lost our minds lost our fucking minds I mean I'm in the city driving and this has happened 10 times in the last

10 years somebody's crossing a street with headphones on looking looking at their cell phone. I have the right-of-way. I have the green light, and I have to lock up my brakes, and then I blow on the horn, and they give me the finger for saving their fucking lives, which they were right. I should have just continued on. But we're fucking... What is going on?

Shootings and... Yeah, get tickets to the Cowboys. Let me get my Cowboys sweatshirt, my pennant and my fucking Glock. We're ready to roll. Fucking idiots, violent, motherless fucks. That's all I can say. And what else did I do last week? I did Colin Quinn's cop show. You know, his web series.

And it should be on network. It's so funny. His writing is just so smart and funny. And that's the problem. It's too subtle, too smart, too funny. Gotta dumb it down. It is so fucking funnier than anything you see on Brooklyn, Brooklyn fucking 911, whatever it is. Brooklyn 99, I should say.

And no disrespect to that show either. I'm just saying. This should be, if that's on network TV, this should definitely be on. I mean, I actually like Sam Berg and those guys. But so goddamn funny. We did a scene where I'm sort of a, I'm not going to give it all away, but it's based on the Donnie Brasco forget about it scene. You're going to love it.

You're going to love it. It's so fucking relevant and smart. That's the thing. It's relevant. And God forbid you touch on real news on a TV show. You know what I mean? Because when you touch on real, the truth and shit, ethnicities are involved and races. And you can't have that.

Not on network TV. Not unless it's making whitey or fucking Catholics look stupid. not unless it's making whitey or fucking Catholics look stupid, but it was in Brooklyn, and all this shit's being shot in Brooklyn, like all these studios now. I get there, right? I walk in.

What's the first thing I think? I see Dave Attell in a police uniform with like devil horns on his head. That's all I can tell you about it. That's all I see. He's doing a scene with Quint. I mean, how funny. I was fucking belly laughing just seeing it and then listening to the scene and watching it on the monitor.

It looks so awesome. So it's called Cop Show. You guys, again, if you're fans of mine, you're fans of Tough Crowd, you're fans of Quint, and these guys i'm telling you about so i'm sure you're aware of his cop show uh um web series which i hope if anybody out there in la has an ounce of fucking balls they will scoop this up just on how funny and smart the writing is. And it's fun. It's really fun.

Again, it's fun, I say. I enjoy acting when I'm on a set with people you know and stuff. It's fun. But, you know, sometimes you'll get a couple lines on a fucking network show. And if you don't know what you're doing, you fucking, if you flub up, you're gone. I don't know why. It's like it's the nerds. It's their playing up, you're gone. I don't know why. It's like it's the nerds. It's their playing field, you know?

The kids who are nerds grew up that run Hollywood. Now they like to fucking bully people. But, yeah. Did that and then I had to put myself on tape for Pete Holmes, who's a very funny guy. I guess he's got some type of pilot. So they wanted me Thursday to go in and read, but I couldn't because I was doing a quince show in Brooklyn. So now in this day of technology,

you put your cell phone, even on, you use your cell phone. So I spent like two and a half hours on these three, it was like three or four scenes for Pete Holmes. And I better get some goddamn feedback at least. Even if he didn't like it. So, got a TV and film agent for the first time in about 15 years. Why not?

Got to get on a plane Thursday to fucking Toronto. Put some fundraiser. I don't even know. I don't even know. It's so funny. This thing was brought to me about a year ago. It's like, yeah, that's good money. And you're like, it's fairly good money.

I'll do it. It's one night. It doesn't sound bad. And then, you know, here it is. You're like, I don't want to get on a goddamn plane. So what the hell else? Did you see the picture of me in the Wall Street Journal last week? You probably did and didn't even realize it was me because about one eighth of my face is in the shot.

It's a picture of me, Chris Rock and jerry seinfeld at a mets game and this was taken years ago when i was working for chris in the late 90s around 99 2000 i think um and it was in like originally it was in the post of the new york times or whatever but the story i think was in wall street journal this past week the story was was how comedians love the New York Mets. And, by the way, I'm pulling for the Cubbies. I was pulling for the Mets unless the Cubbies got in it. And that's, you know, if the Mets beat the Cubbies, they're up 2-0, thanks to Daniel Murphy.

This guy's playing out of his tits. I mean, I hope the Mets beat the Cubbies, they're up 2-0. Thanks to Daniel Murphy. This guy's playing out of his tits. I mean, I hope the Mets win it all. But, you know, come on. Cubbies, what's it been, 1,152 years? So, you know, I'm leaning Cubbies and Joe Maddon and Theo Epstein. Red Sox genius. So, but if not, like I said, go Mets. They got some sick pitch in the Mets.

Fucking Syndergaard throws aspirin up there, man. And Daniel Murphy has been on a goddamn tear. He tied Piazza for like homers in a postseason series or whatever. I mean, he's just, and the other night in game one, the Cubs had a, had the, you know, what do you call it? Oh, my God, Nick, what the fuck is wrong with you? They had the shift on. They had all their team, everybody in the infield to the right of second base or whatever the fuck.

And Murph was on, I think, first. And somebody walked. And the Cubs fell asleep. They didn't get back. Nobody was covering third base. So Murph just keeps going. Daniel Murphy gets to second and just keeps going to third. And then the next night, it's a fly ball, and it ties the game.

He tags up and scores. I said, I'm doing bad, Doug Russo. But he hit another one last night. I mean, he is so, so the MVP of this fucking series. He could strike out for the rest of the series. I mean, is so so the MVP of this fucking series he could he could strike out for the rest of the series I mean what the hell he's making quite an argument for himself Cespedes uh has hasn't even made contact but you know what that means Mets fans uh the Sox had him for a few months if he has a I don't first of all you got to take off the the rape ski mask i know it's cold out there but come on

um but cesspit this is a type of guy who's very streaky if he doesn't do it look there's still a lot more games we play in this series but uh if he doesn't do it in this series and they do get into the world series watch out the bigger the stage for him. But he doesn't, looks like he doesn't like the 30 degree weather. Doesn't go with his Cuban, I think he's Cuban. Anyways, but the point being that the Mets are two games away. So that's pretty amazing. And I think Terry Collins is a class act. So I'm happy for him.

And then in the other series, you got Kansas City Royals, who to me are the best team left. As good as the Mets look, Casey Royals are the best team because there's something gritty about these guys. You can be up on these guys a couple runs going into the seventh. They can be getting shut out, and they'll put six up on the board. There's something gritty. They've been there before.

They came within a red CH of winning it all last year, and they look like they have the chip on their shoulder, and they're coming around to last year's form so uh yeah i don't know although now it goes back to toronto but i still i i don't see i don't see them beating kansas city with that bullpen kansas city has uh but you can't count out toronto's bats it's like a fucking high-pitched softball team, these guys. Everybody that comes up to the plate has 38, 40 home runs, has 44 home runs. Donaldson, fucking Bautista, who is a bit of a punk.

I don't know. He looks like a bad guy in every Western you see with Clint Eastwood. Doesn't he? I like him and I hate him. That bat flip, I'd fucking drill him right in the head if I was a pitcher next time up. No questions asked. Right in the fucking Adam's apple. He's a bit of a fucking punk. And you know why I say that? He catches the ball in right field

and he pretends to flip it to the, uh, to the, uh, fans. And, uh, this is in the, one of the games of Casey. He catches the ball and then pretends to flip it and then like fakes him out what a dick what an ass but man can he hit love that black beard too like a rapist oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah have I covered it all oh Bo Bergdahl uh yeah all of a sudden they're making recommendations higher ups in the army that he's going to get off with fucking no jail time he's going to be able to keep his pension this is the latest thing i read i'm pinching myself this is the traitor cocksucker that obama traded uh to fucking to get him back for five uh taliban members or al-qaeda members who who since you know gone on to do fucking horrible things.

Unbelievable that they botched that. Unbelievable. A traitor for five fucking dangerous guys who are probably back in the mix if they aren't already. I thought I read where a couple of them already were. But, yeah, and this guy's going to probably, it hasn't been decided yet because it still has to go up the even higher food chain before somebody makes a final call but the last colonel to look at it and obviously he's getting pressure from you know who to keep his legacy oh it's un-fucking-believable it's just this guy is shameless the guy in the white house is shameless anyways and um you know bergdahl's guys and his troop said people died looking for him.

What, are they making that shit up? What, we can't verify that? Are they making that up? And he's using some bullshit excuse that he was going to run, jog 14 miles to our nearest base because he didn't like, he thought there was a lack of leadership amongst the troop that he was in. That was his excuse. What fucking lawyer came up with that? They they should pull an eddie slovak on this motherfucker anyways have i covered it all i think i have kids uh again come see me this saturday night the Sports Haven in New Haven.

Come on out. It's a casino. It's actually decent. I remember bad-mouthing the gig and getting there and going, holy shit. Not the ideal setup, but as far as a casino goes, I mean, you don't know what's going to happen there if you play your cards right. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. you know what I'm saying or you could go out in the parking lot that's about it ladies and gentlemen boys and girls do I have anything else the plugs

the plugs the goobies the beginning of November I just read these things and I can't even remember them I swear to God I got 5, 6, and 7 November Magoobies 12, 13, and 14 Comedy Club Jacksonville, Florida 28th Suffolk Theater

in Riverhead, New York that's November and then December the comedy scene at Foxborough, Massachusetts on the 4th and 5th in the shadows of the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Yes, sir. You guys, love you.

Thanks for tuning in. And I'll see you at the next gig, I'm sure. Hopefully. You know? That's a problem with the social media shit you get all excited you know yeah oh he's got 80 000 following which is nothing by the way in showbiz terms as people with eight million i'm just saying but even the 80 000 are spread across the globe how do i know 30 of those could be in brazil and the other 11 in los angeles and and uh seven percent in taiwan

i don't know. That's a lot of strange points. All righty. call that they hand me down and make us I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like that Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.