The Nick DiPaolo Show - 107 - Time for Another Civil War!

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

Time for Another Civil War!

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hello kids, how are ya? Good to be with ya again. Ha ha. Ah, fuck it. I just read a story that got me so fucking angry that I'm gonna do a few other stories to calm myself down before I get into it. that got me so fucking angry that I'm going to do a few other stories to calm myself down before I get into it.

By the way, the name of this episode is Time for Another Civil War. Wish I was fucking 18 again and had good knees and hips. I'd be right out there. Anyways. Oh, hit the wrong button there um yeah let's get to it huh first of all my goobies was great i was in uh timonium maryland suburb right outside of baltimore becoming one of my favorite

clubs big props to andrew unger the guy that built it the owner because uh first time i played it like four or five years ago he's tearing down walls you know he had fucking sawdust all over him and shit a real uh hands-on guy and he's built a quite a club and it was great because uh it's close enough to baltimore there's an actually there's black people in the audience and all kinds of people had a couple of women from abidabi united arab emirates and i busted their chops calling them hispanic and but that just rolled off their back and uh it was it was fucking great packed almost every show and uh yeah just uh had a great time at magubi's if you live in that area go to that club and support. It's got like theater seating for you comics listening.

It's nice. It's really nice. And I had a great time. And what I liked is, I'll tell you, I swear to God, the people that laughed the hardest at me now on stage are black people. They love a white boy who tells it like the fuck it is. And yeah, like every show, there are a couple tables of black people just flipping out fucking high-fiving and and there was one older black guy uh saturday night and i i know i

i recognize him before from last time i came i'm 99 sure didn't get to ask him but uh he had like a nice you know he had like a three-piece suit on without the jacket, like just the vest and the necktie. And he, you know, he looked probably, I want to say mid-60s or whatever. Maybe, I don't know. But I said to him, you look like every principal in every, you know, Hollywood movie about a bad black high school. He was fucking crying at everything that was coming out of my mouth. school he was fucking crying at everything that was coming out of my mouth you know long i talked about the you know the baltimore riots how much i missed them on tv and it was must see tv and i said uh i was dying to do this material because i had written and i hadn't been back to mcgooby

since so it was really hitting home and i said uh you know i learned a lot from watching the looting going on in baltimore that i have the exact same uh taste in snacks as black people you know the 50 pound bag of cheetos and the uh and i'm like arizona iced tea in grape flavor i didn't even fucking know that check that on my list and uh he was he was popping out of a seat and and his um and just i mean it was great it was great it's fun to do that type of shit instead of doing it in front of a bunch of nyu little cocksucker liberal fucking jerk-offs here in new york and um to you know to be able to do it see that's that's edgy material folks it's not when the daily show goes after the fucking old white republicans in the tea party it's when you

could possibly piss off a few black people or Hispanic or Middle Eastern or whatever the fuck. That's edgy material. And people miss it. And like I said, I've said it a million times. In my 28 years, I've had probably eight black people who were upset. One of them this weekend, by the way.

I can't get them all. And probably 55,000 white college-age kids people who were upset one of them this weekend by the way i can't get them all and uh probably with 55 000 white white college age kids who had a problem with my act and that's even an exaggeration but you know what i mean it's about 100 to 1 ratio um and uh yeah it was just i guess that's after one show a a black woman younger woman and i i know it was because I was standing near the wall after the show and I was just getting this vibe from her. She wouldn't even look at me. She had this puss on her face. And I guess she went to the owner and said that she's going to blog about how racist my jokes were.

And I think his well, I won't say what his response was, but let's let's just say it this way. I think he votes the same way I do. But he told me just how, you know, people can be. But she didn't like it. She's got a blog. So, oh boy, it means I did my job. But the other, I'd say, 60 black people that saw me this weekend are more or are loving it.

There's always, and white comics will tell you this, so there's always one black person, male or female, me female that just stares blankly and it just to me defines how different we are and i don't give a fuck what anybody says we're like from two different planets a lot of times just this one woman and i don't think she was the one that she wasn't the one the one that was just staring at me wasn't even at the show where the other woman was going to blog two different shows. But this one, just staring at me with this, just not emotionally involved, you know, in any way with a show. Just not fun. And then, and this applies again, another show Saturday, I think it was the first show, there was a white guy up front. Looked like he was in his early 30s maybe with his girlfriend.

And he was staring at me in a catatonic state uh he had like a beard i i don't know if he he was trying to provoke me but i would go whoa sir after like 10 minutes and people noticed him before i did i guess the other comics noticed too and i'm like so whoa do you not fucking like me why'd you fucking come and he would just stare at me and wouldn't answer i didn't see him talk to his girl it's in 28 years it was the most unnerving thing i don't know why he was there i literally asked his girlfriend is he from this country and he was he would just like kept staring up at me with his lips a mouth a little agape with this catatonic like he was on medication no emotion whatsoever just totally and i'm going well he's white so it's not a cultural thing unless he's a fucking lib and he really that's how far apart but it wasn't

he but he it looked like he was being so passive-aggressive he wanted me to fucking slap him in the face i was fucking every once in a while i would peek i had to make a conscious decision on stage not to look at him it was the fucking weirdest thing and when i said good night after doing an hour i looked down and he had the same look on his face just staring at me i don't know he's trying to provoke me i've never fucking seen anything like it and every time i would call attention to it the people in the audience that could see his table and he was sitting right up front they were howling because they couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Just fucking retarded.

Jesus Christ. But anyways, killer frigging shows, big crowds, and I like that club more and more every time I go back. And I just had a fucking ball, and I hadn't been on stage in a couple weeks. I think I'm through driving into the city and doing my 15-minute sets. Because it just fucking, you feel like a caged animal doing 15 minutes. I can't even get warmed up in 15 minutes. You know? I stayed away for a couple weeks out of the city.

And when I went on, I was like a lion they let out of their cage. I just wanted to fucking, and this stage is big and beautiful, and it just let me literally stretch my legs, and figuratively as far as material. Just I had all this pent-up energy from not being near it for a while, and just was winging it, half of it off the top of my head, and I'm going to have to literally listen to every show. Yeah, I record my shows because I came up with some shit that, who knows?

I always think it sounds great, and I'm like, I can't wait to get home and listen to it. And then there's some heinous shit, but it's still very funny. I think that's my new method. I'm done writing clever fucking shit because that's not what they want. They want Captain Fluffy, Mr. Iglesias, and whatever. No disrespect to him. i'm just saying if i i'm just going to show up and the purest art form of stand-up which nobody does is to go up there and fucking wing it i'm not going to wing a whole hour nobody does that but uh come as close as i can

and just say the shit that's in your heart and gut that's the best way to do it not be trapped by previously written you you know, proven bits. And I've been doing that lately more and more. And what comes out of my mouth sometimes fucking shocks me. But it's as funny as hell. And I think it's going to get darker and meaner. So what do you think of that?

Libcock suckers. Anyways. You know what I'm talking about. He's a fag. Yes, he is. Anyways, that know what I'm talking about. He's a fag. Yes, he is. Anyways, that was the weekend. Drove down there, by the way. It was fucking great.

In the car right after the show Saturday night. Was home by 3.04 a.m. Oh, yeah. With a couple Jack Daniels in me. Makes the ride go faster. I'll say that again, god damn it. The Waze app keeps me clear from the cops. Anyways, upcoming

gigs. Let's take your business real quick. I gotta make a living for the love of fuck. This week, this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I'm on a plane to Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. The Comedy Club of Jacksonville. Thursday the 12th, Friday the 13th,

Saturday the 14th. Come on out. And then Suffolk Theater in Riverhead, New York on November the 28th. That's a Saturday night. You guys have heard about it. Then the comedy scene up in Foxborough, right by Gillette Stadium. It's part of the complex, I believe, of the undefeated 8-0 Patriots. What?

You heard me, bitches. There's only two teams left. And, uh, how good are they? Anyways, we'll get to them in a few minutes. Uh,

that's enough. Anyways, where do we start? Let's start with SNL. This will calm me down. Trump was on there. And, uh,

what did I think about it? I don't know. They treated him fairly, I guess, you know, but so much to the point where it was almost boring. It wasn't a very funny show. And I say that with a lot of respect in my heart for the writers because it's hard to write that shit. But the whole thing with Hispanics showing up to, you know, yell out shit and call them racist. That didn't happen. And which is a win for Trump and for this country. Maybe the fucking warm is starting to turn.

Although the next four stories I talk about prove me wrong, I guess. But it was, it was, I'll play a little bit of his monologue at the beginning. Play a couple of clips. First, he came out and said some shit, and then Daryl Hammond and the other kid kill him. Turan kill him. I don't know. Forget his first name.

But they both do a great Trump, and that was kind of funny. But here's some opening jokes from Trump and the monologue. The first joke is just a fucking flat dud, though. I'm like, uh-oh, he's getting set up to die. But that really wasn't the case, I don't know. It's wonderful to be here. I will tell you, this is going to be something special. Many of the greats have hosted, as you know, this show,

like me, in 2004. A lot of people are saying, Donald, you're the most amazing guy. You're brilliant. You're handsome. You're rich. You have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? Why? And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. People think I'm controversial. But the truth is... All that build up and that's what the fucking punchline was? That was supposed to get a bigger laugh.

By the way, the audience sucked cheese nuts. Oh, they were horrendous. Again, probably because it's filled with young kids who, if they laughed at Trump, and you think I'm kidding about this, I'm not. If they fucking laughed at him, it would be like voting for him and going, hey, he's actually a likable guy. They sat on their fucking hands like New York audiences do. And no, it's not all just tourists in the audience, if that's what you're thinking. They were just flat. Even for sketches that were funny that Trump wasn't in, they were just dumb and flat.

And like I said, when he was in the sketches, they definitely were. I don't know. It just seemed again, it wasn't the most hilarious shit, but there was some stuff that you got bigger laughs. And I think I'm telling you, like I said, laughing at him would be an endorsement of him. Um, then like I said, uh, Daryl Hammond, the other guy came out next to him and, uh, well, let me play the rest of this clip. I'm a nice guy. I don't hold grudges against anybody like Rosie O'Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate.

That shit got a big ol' eye. That was actually funny. Anytime I get shit on Rosie. But, uh, you know, ha ha. Again, not hilarious, but here's the second part. You think you're this terrific person. It's Daryl Hammond making fun. You think you're this, you think you're that.

And ba-ba-ba. You're being very naive and quite frankly, you're fired. They're great. They don't have my talent, my money, or especially my good looks.

But you know what? They're not bad. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You're a racist! Who the hell is I? I knew this was going to happen. Who is that? Trump's a racist!

Cut to Larry David. Who I love. Who everybody loves. It's Larry David. Who I love. Who everybody loves. It's Larry David. What are you doing, Larry? I heard if I yelled that, they'd give me $5,000. Yeah, and that was a funny, actually. I thought that was a highlight of the show right there.

That was a funny way to handle that racist thing. And it actually makes Trump look pretty good, actually, you know. And Larry David, who probably does think Trump's a racist, because Larry's ex-wife was like a fucking raging liberal to the fucking thousandth power. But I thought that was a clever way of handling it. And really, I thought that was the funniest part of the show there was some other sketches he was in that just kind of laid flat but uh again it was almost like a deliberate effort the audience was sitting on their hands but a little of both like i said the fucking it wasn't the most brilliant stuff and i was just thinking back that you know that's what this show's about. Back, that was the history of the show was political satire.

And they would really get edgy when Belushi was alive and when it first came out. And, you know, it's much more tame now. But, so anyways, C plus, I guess. I don't know. But I don't think it hurt him, you know. And I guess they got huge ratings which he'll brag about now for the next anyways so and he is uh he is still the front runner in national polls believe it or not which it just makes me happy i'm not like a huge trump fan like i said but uh

i think i'm like the rest of the country. Fuck you and your fucking conventional politicians. Let's throw somebody in there like this. Let's mix it up. You know? So, and again, Dr. Ben Carson is leading in a few polls, and he's right on Trump's heels in a few polls, and leading in a few. And, of course, that means what? The media, the liberal bias liberal bias uh means hey we have to take him down

he's a threat a black conservative oh christ get the knives out no pun intended just thought of that uh but that was the big story right um you know ben carson uh he has a book and in the book he said as a kid he had a horrible temper, went after his mother with a hammer and tried to stab one of his friends. And on stage in Baltimore I actually said that. I said, you know, a guy who made a living cutting people open, why should we be shocked that, you know, he stabbed somebody with a knife? That was God's way of steering him to what he should do for a living.

stabbed somebody with a knife. That was God's way of steering him to what he should do for a living, which is basically what Ben Carson said that incident did. Of course, the media, the CNNs and the fucking douchebags of the world, well, we can't find anybody to corroborate that story and blah, blah, blah.

And so he was on CNN defending himself and everybody, everybody again the mainstream media's gone he's normally a very uh low-key guy but he's lashing out he showed anger that's not typical of benka really this is him lashing out this is him talking to uh allison camarada he used to be a reporter at fox news channel apparently Apparently she couldn't cut it. She's at CNN, the lying, cock-sucking network. And this is her interviewing him about, you know, questioning some of the stories in his book. And listen how literal she takes him

when he makes an analogy of the media in this country. Even if all the media tries to shut you down, which they have tried very much to do with me, but they can't because the good Lord has provided me with mechanisms like my syndicated column and like Fox News. We'd be Cuba if there were no Fox News. Now, as you point out, I did work at Fox for many years, and I do have many friends there still who are excellent journalists. They hate your guts. But I'm not sure that even they think that without their reporting that we would be Cuba.

You mean that if Fox News didn't exist, we would be a communist country? No. Again, there you go with sensationalism. That's what you try to do. And you hope that somehow that will resonate with people who don't think for themselves. Dr. Carson, you said it. I'm actually quoting. Yeah, that's what he meant. He literally meant we would be Cuba.

Do you hear her? And just playing the fucking game. No wonder why you're at CNN. Hope Roger Ailes kicked you in your fucking ass on the way out. Mama Luke. Yeah, Mama Luke. The Mama Luke of the year. A lot smarter than you think they are.

They're a lot smarter. And they know exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, Allison, we do. We do know what I'm talking about. Yeah, Allison, we do. We do know what he's talking about. And then there was another story. He said he had lunch with Wes Moreland at West Point, and they offered him a full scholarship. And, of course, the media's going, they don't give out scholarships.

They don't even give out full scholarships. No, they give out aid. It's the same thing. I had friends in high school who went to our ivy league schools to play football and they actually used the language scholarships when it wasn't really scholarship it's uh you know it's like aid either way their bills are paid and they're going to try to catch them on something like that like that's like that wouldn't happen to a well-spoken young black man yeah

that would never happen the military say hey come you know come to school with us or whatever like that couldn't have happened but it wasn't in those exact words and and it's just fucking hilarious it's hilarious it really is i i i mean god just if you're just trying to seriously be honest with yourself you can't deny this type of fucking bias you can't unless you've bought into it a long time ago and and then ben uh carson made the point in a few interviews look the obama wasn't the president wasn't vetted like you're doing to me. You didn't investigate his past. And then on every channel, CNN, MSNBC, and CNBC, we certainly did vet the president. We heard stories about his birth certificate and questioning where he was born and blah. Yeah, you know where you heard all that?

On Fox fucking news. And you label people like Sean Hannity racist for bringing up the fact that the president sat in a Reverend Wright's church. And listened to anti-American black liberation theocracy. All that horse shit. And you didn't bring it up. Fox News did. And so-called right-wing talk radio. And people get tired as racist for it. But listen to the people on CNN go, we certainly did vet the president.

You didn't fucking mention anything about him hanging out with Belaire's until after, like I said, guys like Hannity and guys at Fox News did. So you're full of shit. You like a rigged game. You lying motherless fucks. It's not even that talk, Nick. Yeah, there is. It's the beauty of this podcast.

Nobody looking over my shoulder going, uh-oh, they're picketing out front. Black Lives Matter is out front. But yeah, they're picketing out front black lives matters is up front but they yeah they're trying to fucking uh really discredit this guy he has to prove and i know everybody saw the irony right away maybe not everybody but it's funny he has to prove i did to stab somebody to prove that he's he's legitimate to run to United States. I did too. I was too a psycho. Don't tell me.

You know? They would defend, you know. I'm trying to think, but I'm the black doctor that's this unpopular with Dems. Probably be Huxtable. That's right, a black rapist. You know, Cosby, they hung him out to dry. Why? Because he was conservative with his politics. Remember speaking out against the hip-hop culture and all that?

They fucking hung him out to dry. And the fact that he was a racist, but they're like, you know what? We can't even. We, the lib media, we can't even defend this guy. Plus, he doesn't even like our politics. But Ben Carson, yeah, get used to it, pal. I mean, it is unbelievable. It's unbelievable what they're trying to do. And it's just so obvious. They're shameless.

Like that clip at his play to that Allison Camerata. She doesn't even see, you know, doesn't even see it. Oh, she does. We're supposed to believe she doesn't know what she's doing.

It's so frustrating, man. Boy, what's going on? That's so frustrating, man. Boy, what's going on? What else? Is that it about Dr. Carson? That's about it? He said he's being targeted because he's a very big threat to the secular progressive movement in the country.

And most likely to be able to beat Hillary Clinton. See, the evangelists love him, the real religious right, because he grew up in a hardscrabble neighborhood in Detroit and was poor, and he's really the American story. And he really did try to stab somebody. And, you know, and then he said what made him, he found God or whatever.

And again, I'm not religious, you know, I don't have a, I'm not like that. But I'm just saying he found God and it's what turned his life around, religion or whatever. And hey, if that works for him, great. And, you know,

evangelists make up a large part of the voting bloc still, regardless of what everybody's telling you that, you know, old white people are on the way out. Boy, the left can't push the old Christians out of the way fast enough, can they? It's unbelievable. So anyways, yeah, it's going to get interesting. But he's calling them out on their bullshit. I think the game's finally changing a little bit.

Seems like a nice fella to me. Imagine that, though, being, like, piss poor and end up being, like, a world-renowned brain surgeon i mean what he's accomplished compare it to fucking fat hillary she has done nothing fucking nothing has she i don't think she's nothing remember when i talk about Hillary, we have to... I flew around the world. Secretary of State. Nice reset with Russia.

That's working out well. She's done nothing. She fucked the smart guy who became president. That's her accomplishment. Even Trump. Look what he's accomplished in his life. Yeah, he got a million dollar loan as a kid.

Look what he turned it into. Seriously. Compare that to Hillary's resume. That's a big ten. That's a big ten. That's a big ten. I like big ten. La la la la. more headlines in a country that's fucking rotting from the inside out hey i'm in the dark here my lamp just came unplugged uh here's I don't know if this is a follow-up of a story I did in an earlier episode or another chick.

A female fire department of New York recruit has graduated from the fire academy after her instructors fudged on her strength, agility, and running requirements. Charlene Doran Holder, 39. That's who I want. I'm not a 39- 39 year old broad coming up a ladder when my ass is on fire i wouldn't want some 28 year old irish guy with a big mustache who did you know 50 pull-ups no i want this fucking housewife with a frumpy ass who was handed her job because she had a clitoris that's the official song a clitoris. That's the official sound for clitoris, by the way.

She never achieved a passing score of 17 minutes and 50 seconds on the functional skills test, a course of jar-related tasks in full gear, such as stretching hoses. I know a few broads can do that. And dragging dummies. According to the New York Fire Department source familiar with the training, she did not come in under 24 minutes in practice tests. Dorian Holder.

Dorian Holder. She's got a hyphen in her last name. That's how you know she's a twat zone. Failed to run the required one and a half miles in 12 minutes or less. Christ, a guy could do that. And I smoke now. Even after running the course,

even after the running course was slashed by an estimated quarter mile, she still couldn't do it. The source said, alleging that the start and finish lines were moved to shorten to shorten the run for her and she still couldn't do it she did she completed the abbreviated run in 1206 under a recent loosening of rules ordered by the fdny commissioner daniel nigro probationary

firefighters who failed the run can demonstrate can demonstrate adequate aerobic capacity on a stairmaster machine which she was allowed to do we're just lowering the standards out of fairness for women and minorities even when it puts the general public's life at risk and again that's those aren't conservative fucking moves oh can you imagine the ft the fdny has come under fire for its lack of female firefighters who now number 49 less than half of one percent of the 10 500 person force yeah there's a reason guys are better at it that's why there's a reason there's no rigged game it's about biology. And we'll always be better as long as we're bigger and stronger.

Unless you want to start throwing, you know, Caitlyn in there. She could go up a ladder and grab me by the scruff of my neck. But there's only a few Caitlyns. And you wouldn't know that watching TV and listening to pop culture. You'd think one in five. But anyways. Okay. You think one in five. But anyways. OK. Doran Holder, former city EMT, is one of 282 court ordered priority hires, quote unquote,

who Brooklyn federal judge Nicholas Garofis ordered must get preference because of past discrimination against minorities. And there it is. And there it is. Right out there in the open. This is about past discrimination. So what if you're putting people's lives at risk? This is about past discrimination against women and minorities. So let's, so fuck it. Right?

Doesn't matter if people die in a fire. We have to straighten that. that see that's the priority of the far left this guy's a real douche this uh judge gar office g a g a r a u f is garapis probably saying it wrong i hope so uh it was listen to this it was her third attempt at passing the academy after taking the civil service exam in 1999. After dropping out of her second attempt in 2014 because of an injury, the FDNY gave the mom of two a desk job

at full firefighter pay and benefits. She was paid 81 grand, including overtime last year. I had to sacrifice a lot to get here, but it's worth it for my children to see me going after something. I wanted, going after something I wanted and not letting limitations define me, she told the village voice.

Who else would she tell it to without getting hit in the face with a handful of shit? Okay, that's how she sees it. She's a role model for her kids. Even though we had to bend the fucking rules and cheat and lie and other people, even other women firefighters actually had to pass the test. It's a good, she's a good role model for her kids.

You know, you can do anything you want is what she's saying, if you know the right people. Ugh. Well, that just sums up our country right now perfectly perfectly hey this white firefighter men fire fighters in san francisco remember the whole bunch of them filed lawsuits because they were being discriminated against and there there's plenty of proof of that but see uh and the left's mind that's fine because that's what you did to people a long time no we weren't even on the fucking planet when that shit was going on,

but you're going to tread on us now. Is that how it works? The right has to, again, time for a civil war. It's fucking time for a civil war. That's all I can really, it's not going to be solved. It's like the Godfather, when they have the, remember? Clemenza goes, ah, this shit happens every 10 years. It's good, you get the bad blood out.

We haven't had one since, what, 1865? Time for another one! Oh. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Because. Then what the hell are you? Why are all people

interrogating? Rock me. I don't know. Well, congratulations there, uh, Shirlene Doran Holder, 39, desk fucking job, mom, unathletic douche.

Congratulations. Props, big props to you. I hope as you're going up the ladder, you fucking turn one of your chubby ankles and fall 12 stories. And 12 male firefighters have to catch you and save your pitiful life. Or not.

Motherless man. Next up, in the faggy liberal world that has been created that is overrunning us and common sense. And, uh, I'll save the big story for, you know, last, the University of, uh, Missouri. Oh, that's the one that got me mentally ill. Here's the headlines. Uh, NYU liberals boo Halloween decor. Ha, ha, ha. Why?

Why? Yeah. Uh, where could this be going, huh? You know right away from the headlines. Hmm. In a scary case of political correctness, a projection of a silhouetted figure hanging from a noose, as part of Halloween decorations at an NYU law school costume ball,

prompted liberal student groups to pen an angry letter to the administrators. You believe that? Because of a decoration of somebody hanging in a noose on Halloween. The fall ball decor on October 29th showed triggering, comma, disrespectful and harmful suicide imagery, quote-unquote, said the law school's mental health law and justice association in an open letter to Dean Jason Belk and Trevor Morrison. For members of our community who have lost someone to suicide,

do you fucking believe this? Or who have had personal experiences, this topic is not a Halloween gimmick. Oh my fucking God. We've reached a place that I can't fucking, I can't believe I'm not a billionaire with my fucking comedy. I can't believe I'm not fucking world famous. What do I have to do? Sneak into NYU and cut somebody's throat?

Said ex-comedian Nick DeBond. The projection showed silhouetted people engaging in what we can only imagine were intended to be spooky activities, according to the letter. One of the images projected displayed a man dying by suicide. The letter demanded

an apology to all members of our community who may have been triggered by the images. Trigger this, you fucking motherless tit wonder. You know this whole triggering thing, right, folks, how that works? Books are vetted now on college campuses. If there's something in a book that might trigger like a bad, make somebody uncomfortable, you know, if the book refers to rape and somebody whose rating book might have been raped or knew somebody who was raped or their dog might have been raped, that they can, you know, they can, this must be protected from that.

Boy, that's free speech, huh? That's free speech, huh? The offending video was projected onto the windows inside greenberg lounge in the law school's vanderbilt hall building i probably walk by it every night when i go to the comedy show during the annual ball attended by hundreds of students in costumes we can only hope these students hang themselves a group of i used to do a bit about NYU students committing, committing suicide. You know, they used to jump, like within two years, like three or four of them jumped up the library building and killed themselves. Like a five year span, which is, and again, the comedy cell is right on the NYU campus.

And I used to say, I'm afraid to park in this neighborhood. I might get hit by a chemistry major some some indian kid who got a 3.9 and he's afraid to go home and actually used to kill even in front of those liberal pusses and uh can you imagine so decorate halloween decorations are triggering you know think about that don't uh don't put up a witch and a broomstick because some somebody might have been sodomized with a broomstick uh don't put up a pumpkin that reminds me of my uh father who had uh choked on pumpkin pie one thanksgiving uh oh un-fucking-believable don't put up skeletons because you know what uh

we all know somebody who had cancer of them this is uh this is the world we're living in can you i i didn't think you could get to this i really don't again time for civil war time to bloodlet. The students are going to be meeting with the dean, the concerned students, next week to discuss the matter. And once again, the dean will cave in because he's a spineless white fellow in a suit who's helped with this insanity, helping it metastasize across our society.

Yeah. All that from a Halloween decoration. Can you fucking imagine? Can you? That's why I stand up. I just cut loose, you know. It really is. It saves me. I get chest pains like when know? It really is. It saves me.

I get chest pains like when I don't go on for a couple weeks. I think I'm figuring it out. What else in the politically correct world of... Well, here's the story that got me going.

Coco. Tim Wolfe, University of Missouri System President, resigns. Amid a wave of student and faculty protests over racial tensions that all but paralyzed its flagship campus here, the president of the University of Missouri System resigned Monday, urging everyone involved to use my resignation to heal and start talking again. urging everyone involved to use my resignation to heal and start talking again. President Tim Wolf had grown increasingly isolated with opposition to his leadership reaching a crescendo in the last few days. A graduate student named Jonathan Butler, a black guy,

has been holding a highly publicized hunger strike, saying he would not eat again until Mr. Wolf was gone. The university student's government on Monday demanded his ouster. You see, it's like 1960 again. Again, they're stuck in 1965. You want me? Oh, God. The inmates are running the asylum.

It happened, just go back and read your history. It happened at Yale when the Black Panthers took over and the Black Liberation Groups and all the white academia, all these spineless white guys that ran it just fucking caved in. And it's happening again. Obama has done a real number. Yeah, so the university student government demanded his ouster, and much of the faculty canceled classes for two days in favor of a teaching focused on race relations. But it was the football team that delivered what might be the fatal blow to Mr. Wolfe's tenure.

When players announced on Saturday they would refuse to play as long as the president remained in office. And their head coach, Gary Pinkle, said he supported them. Another spineless jag off. The prospect of a football strike drew national attention.

An official said that just forfeiting the team's game next weekend against BYU would cost the university a million bucks. Oh, so now we see why. Now we see why maybe, Tim, the president and the football coach, the president resigned and the coach is backing the students. Doesn't have anything to do with the million dollars it loads, does it? The revolution got sold, folks. Listen to this. Revolution gets sold, folks.

Listen to this. That got the attention of the alumni and the board, along with the substantial penalty they would have been facing, said United States Rep. Lacey Clay, a Democrat who represents part of the St. Louis area. That would have been a disaster for the recruiting of black athletes and of black students to the university. Mr. Wolf announced, he means, you with the university's governing body, the Board of Curators on campus here, the flagship of the four-campus system. It is my belief we stopped listening to each other, Mr. Wolf said.

This is the president who resigned. We have to respect each other enough to stop yelling at each other and start listening and quit intimidating each other. So you want me to want me to believe there's like conservative groups and white people intimidating black people on college campuses anywhere in this nation. That's what you really want us to believe, right? I take full responsibility for this frustration, he added, and I take full responsibility for the inaction that has occurred. The board of curators has the power to hire and fire the university president and the curators in turn are appointed by the governor. Do you see how it is?

How political it is? It was not clear how much pressure Mr. Wolf was under from either the curators or the governor, Jay Nixon, a Democrat, to leave. You remember Jay Nixon, the governor, right? During the fucking Ferguson. You remember him? Afraid to do anything to call in the cops.

Remember? He let it get out of control because he was afraid. You remember Jay, the governor Nixon, right? Spineless, another spineless Caucasian fella. A series of racist incidents in the last few months spurred calls for change, and protesters said the president at first did not take their complaints seriously, and that his later responses were not strong enough or swift enough. They never will be. They never will be.

These kids won't be happy till, you know, there's no white people on a college campus. Well, that goes for white libs, too. They want you out, too. I know you think you're helping them. In September, the president of Missouri Students Association, Peyton Head, who is black, posted on Facebook that a group of men had yelled racial slurs at him and said it was not the first time he had suffered that kind of abuse at the

university. Do you have that on tape anywhere? Can we see it? I just want to see proof. I mean, that's the world we live in now, right? Where you have to, you know, you have footage, right? Body cameras so we can see the white cops beating up on black people. So I'd just like to see some footage of white people yelling racial slurs at this guy. In early October, the Legion of Black Collegians, a student group, was rehearsing a homecoming event when a white man walked onto this stage and used racial epithets about the black students. When activists tried to confront Mr. Wolf later that day at homecoming parade, he avoided them,

leading to accusations that he was dismissive of their concerns. You got to stop and do it every... When somebody yells an N-word at somebody on a college campus, Mr. President, you got to stop and stop what you're doing. I don't give a shit if it's a parade and take care of your business. Later that month, someone used feces to scrawl a swastika in a university building. Probably a German guy with a shits, I'm guessing. Come on, that one even got me. That was a good one.

You know how that Brockwurst can hit you at the wrong time? Excuse me. Excuse me. yeah have we investigated any of these like the swastika and earlier this happened later this in october the swastika made of feces well that should be easy whenever somebody does a hate crime thing and there's a stool sample left there at the scene you should be able to figure that out get fucking quincy on the line or whoever csi fucking ferguson um unbelievable but i'm saying could did they investigate these because a lot of times you know over the last five years there's been a handful of incidents like right here in columbia new york city where there was a noose left on a woman's door a black friend turned out it was a black person who left it there

they do a lot of that shit too and another black uh student what was it university of virginia claimed somebody smashed her windshield and and keyed her car and wrote racist and they turned out it was her who did it you know so i'm just hoping they're vetting they're investigating these things thoroughly if you want me to believe in the year 2015 that that somehow white or conservative or whatever uh that there's there's like open racism going on on college camp that's just really just that as a whole is hard to freaking believe again unless you're living in 1960 i love that phrase when they talk about uh when you hear like uh i don't know al sharpton go we've made a lot of progress but we got a long way to go that long way to go really

well when when are you going to be happy they're never angry black people never going to be happy all these student groups again this is all a manifestation of having a radical in the fucking White House. That's what this is all about. He's really lit a fire under the rash. You're going to give him that much. By the way,

the group that's stirring all this up, they're called Concerned Student 1950. That's a reference to the year the university enrolled its first black student. They were formed to demand that the administration address what it was said was pervasive racism.

For the last week, the group has held a sit-in on a campus plaza, creating around-the-clock encampment there. See? It's like 1965. I'm fucking real well from what i've seen of missouri uh and and ferguson and uh yeah i don't know that it's white racism that's the problem i really don't mr wolf on sunday said that a system-wide diversity and in listen to the language they're so ensconced in this shit and so marinated, they don't even know how stupid they are.

Mr. Wolf on Sunday said that a system-wide diversity and inclusion strategy that addressed student concerns would be unveiled in April. But that drew angry reactions from protesters as being too little too late. Do you see what I'm fucking saying? It's never enough. Do you see what I'm fucking saying? It's never enough. Senator Jamila Nasheed, a Democrat of St. Louis who said Mr. Wolf had become a major distraction,

drew a link between events here and the protests last year in Ferguson, a St. Louis suburb, over the fatal shooting of Michael Brown. Again, they keep going back to that. Even in like the New York Post, it's supposedly, you know, right-leaning. Every time they bring up Michael Brown, it always says shot by a black, a young black shot by a white cop. It doesn't say injustifiably so. They never mention that, even now.

Even now, that whole Black Lives Matter thing is based on a fucking lie it's based on that incident they never mentioned that it's unbelievable the whole thing that whole movement is based on a lie. Yeah, yeah, look at it. It's getting more steam than ever. So that kid's eating again now that the, now that the white president of the University of Missouri has stepped down, he's going to get a nice footlong.

Listen to the shit that also is going on on this campus. In the last few months, the university has also seen highly charged clashes over the rights of graduate student teaching assistants who recently began trying to form a labor union and over access to abortion and the university's relationship with Planned Parenthood. Any learning going on? You wonder why we're fucking, you wonder why we're getting smoked by China and fucking every other nation.

Is there any learning going on at college campuses or is that what it's for now? It's just about fucking activism, political activism, University of Missouri Tigers. Yeah. See how the minute that

the football team got involved that was going to cost a million dollars. You know those thugs that everybody hates on college campuses. But you need them

for something like this don't you? I blame that on white folks. There should be more white guys on the team. Then they couldn't have done anything. There would have been no leverage. But when you're on a 4-8-40,

what are you... But do you believe that shit? Do you believe it? And again, it's all based on, like he said, that guy, that Democrat. It has a lot to do with what's going on on that campus, what went on in Ferguson, which again, we all know is based on a fucking lie.

The guy was exonerated. Or am I confusing my riots? There's so many of them. Freddie Gray and the cop was exonerated even after, you know, Eric Holder, the most racist general attorney and the attorney general in the history of this country. Yeah, that's right. Even he couldn't. Even he couldn't, with all his bias, convict that white cop, Darren Wilson. And this whole Black Lives thing has sprung from that,

which is, again, based on a big fucking lie. He's been disproven and an abortion. What's going on? Whatever. Oh, my God. and an abortion. What's going on? Whatever. Oh, my God.

What the hell else? I think I needed a hernia operation. Well, I was told that 20-something years ago. When did I live in Queens? 99. What's that? 16 years ago? Yeah, I was told by an indian guy in queens

doctor well he said he said he was a doctor he did it at a bus stop like 1 a.m but he had a lab coat on with blood on it but uh he told me i needed a hernia operation and i got a second opinion back then and the guy said if you, if you can stick it out a little longer. Okay, that was 16 years ago. As I talk to you now, I have a dull ache in my right nut that's going up to I'd say right behind my right nipple. There's something hurting down there.

It's been aching. When I sit down, it aches like a motherfucker. But I don't want to go, you know, if you have the hernia thing, you got to burn your pubes off with a can of Kingsford and then it's itchy growing back. I think we've all had that experience, haven't we? Somebody's emailing me here. See if I can read this.

I can't read it. Anyways, yeah, so that's the University of Missouri president stepping down because the inmates are running the asylum, just like in the 60s. Congratulations. You have won, Mr. Obama. I like big tits. I am. You got to stay focused.

You got to stay within yourself. This is Sean T. In 25 minutes a day, I will give you pecs that'll get you blown in any bathhouse in San Francisco. America, 2015. This is stong.

This song is stuck in my head. That is a good song. Hey. Yeah, I was at McGobie's and the kid that was emceeing, young kid named Shane, he played football, college football. A young kid. A lot younger than Mr. Hooper.

And a big BBY game and a big dessert. I'll never put on a helmet again. But, yeah, we were watching. He was a big college football fan. And we saw the end of Ole Miss, Arkansas. And Ole Miss is way up there, like in the top five. They beat Alabama this year. And they really went into overtime.

Long story short, unbelievable ending. Guy laterals and another guy picks it up and runs about 40 yards for a first down. Whatever. Anyways, Arkansas quarterback on like the last overtime. and runs about 40 yards for a first down. Whatever. Anyways, Arkansas quarterback on like the last overtime, they go for it instead of, you know, kicking a field goal or whatever. They go for the win, like on the second overtime. And instead of just kicking the field goal and prolonging the game,

and the quarterback just gets over the line, takes a shot in the back. And then Jenny Dell, who used to be the Red Sox girl socks girl on nesson she ended up sleeping with will middlebrooks i don't know if they're still together but that's why she got the boot i think real piece of ass i mean really and uh so now she's on this college sideline by cbs or whoever the fuck and uh i'm talking to actually we were watching yeah they showed that clip of that and they and and and the interview and i and i was making fun of the uh the female sideline reporters which we all do if you have an ounce of respect and testosterone left at how bad they are and they add nothing to the game and i was saying to the guy they always go they always ask questions like so how they actually sound like dr melfi from the sopranos so you scored that winning

touchdown with three seconds left how did that make you feel they oh it's always what was going through your mind you can tell they never you know what how how did that make you feel where did you they never go they you? They never go. There's never any like technical aspect. Like, yeah, they were running a 3-4. They were running a 3-4 defense, and then they switched up to a 4-3. How did you pick up on that? The two safeties were playing a deep third, and that gave you single coverage on the outside.

It's more like, so were you excited when you made that touchdown? You jumped in the end zone are you gonna get a lot of blow jobs uh just we were we were riffing and making fun of her and then i pick up the paper the the post today and phil muschnick one of my favorites sports right he's a he's a media critic and uh you know he hates a lot of the shit that we hate here at the show and i fucking like him i actually sent him an email saying how good because he he doesn't shy away from um the race issue and sports or whatever if there's a double standard he you know he just tells it like it is and um but i pick it up and it says, Sideline Reporter offers nothing to Unreal Game.

And he was talking about the game I was just telling you about. And the guy that got the touchdown, and it was an amazing game. The guy's last name was Allen that scored the touchdown. Like I said, he took a whack in the back. And her first question, like Phil said, was a good one. You know, if he was all right. And he said, yeah, I'm fine. Then she goes, what gave you confidence

to go for that last drive? And the play ended on a crazy, a crazy lucky thing. A crazy, lucky thing. Let me read exactly, because he gives a blow-by-blow of what happened. Pick it up in the bottom of the first overtime. Ole Miss is up by seven. I hope I'm not boring you with this, but it adds to how silly her questions are.

It puts it in context. Starting at the 25, Arkansas went straight backwards, including a fumble that barely recovered until it was fourth. Fourth and 25. In other words, this is it, right? If they don't get it, game's over and Ole Miss wins. On fourth and finished, he says, I love it, Brandon Allen, it's the quarterback,

pressed from the pocket, threw a 14-yard pass to tight end Hunter Henry at the right sideline. He immediately was swarmed, so he flung the ball over his head backwards, blindly, desperately, 15 yards behind him. And it was picked up on a bounce by teammate Alex Collins, who ran it down to the 11 and gets tackled.

That's a first down. But Collins apparently thought it was the game's last play. And so on his way down, he pitched it back, a fumble. But it was recovered by teammate Dominique Reed. First down, Arkansas. Two plays later, University of Arkansas scored, trailed by one. But Coach Brett Bielema chose to go for two in the win from the three-yard line. And then the quarterback rolled out.

Like I said, just got into the end zone. But hold on. Game's over, right? No, there's a face mask. Game's over, right? No, there's a face mask. The penalty gave UA the ball on the one and a half where Allen leaped in. Head first for the 53 to 52 win.

So he's going to go for two from the three, but there was a face mask. Puts it on the one and a half, and they score to win, and she says, oh, God, what gave you the confidence to go for that last drive? And Phil Mushner goes, what drive?

Confidence? It was all crazy and dumb luck. That was the story. Next question. What do you think gave your team the competitive edge? How does that make you feel? Oh, Mushnuck says, the outcome was determined by stunning good fortune slash misfortune. Oh, Mushnuck says the outcome was determined by stunning good fortune slash misfortune. Oh, God.

It was so funny because we, us three comedians were in the green room making fun of how silly some of this shit is. It comes out of a female sideline reporter. And again, and I said it before, they're just announcing that they, you know, we use, you know, we hire women at ABC or CBS. That's all it is. Even the mail report, to be fair, even mail sideline reports, it's a gimmick. It's a TV gimmick. At least, though, when the guys do it, they add a little, you know, you get Tony Saragusa. At least he played a few minutes of pro football.

And, you know what I mean? He can actually give you some insight. and, you know what I mean? He can actually give you some insight. But how did that make you feel when in that touchdown and you beat that team? Love it. The mushnick just,

he don't give a shit. He don't give a chumming. Anyways, again, it all, you see the theme in all these stories, folks? It all goes together. It's, you got to know the times you're living in. I wish I didn't. I wish I was dumb and unaware and just, like, played video games and wasn't politically aware of anything. And those people seem much happier.

But let's face it. I don't have kids. I work at night, and my job is to stay informed on this shit, regardless of how painful it becomes when you tell a joke on stage and somebody could be recording you and ruining that career.

Again, all about shutting down the white heterosexual male and then the fucking limbs like oh poor white heterosexual man they always come back with that stupid fucking like what i'm saying doesn't exist uh next oh what am i saying not next uh i found the clip of andy roney on the don imus show years ago talking about female sideline reporters it's one of the funniest you remember andy roney in 60 minutes he had the two fucking giant caterpillars crawling across the top of his um but apparently he was no fan either. Listen to this. This was on IMS. I was laughing my balls off when I heard this.

Let me find the clip for you. My producer has left the room, the imaginary producer. What did you say about female sideline football reporters? I said that it was ridiculous to have these women down on the sideline doing football reports and i i doubt if i should have said it but uh some of them are quite good i mean there are some of them they're good but they're chosen more for their appearance and their knowledge of the game and i have never heard anyone who adds anything to the game i mean i it's hard to defend my opposition to it,

but I just, you know, it's like, I was trying to think of something like hair and butter. I like, you know, a woman's hair can be a very attractive feature, part of her, what she looks like. And I love butter as a cooking element. I use a lot of butter. And I like both hair and butter. But you get a little hair on the butter

and it ruins both of them. I feel that way about women at football. Are there any other questions? You don't think that... He loves hair and butter. But if you get a little hair in the butter, meaning they don't go together, you can like them exclusively.

Oh my God. I don't know why I hadn't heard that. Jesus was I elated when I found that. Oh, how fucking funny. God bless you, Andy Roney. Of course he's gone. Oh. Oh, how fucking funny. God bless you, Andy Roney. Of course, he's gone. Nick, how do you feel about female reporters? Wouldn't you want to see more female reporters on ESPN at the sports desk?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, about this podcast. I'm making moves in the background that you guys don't know about, but I'll keep you abreast. Nothing yet that I can, but just let you know that I enjoy it so much, and I think we're going to take over the world eventually if we stick with it and you stay faithful, which I think you will.

And I'm on the street. Na-na-na-na-na street He's a fag That's a new soundbite I got Have I covered it all? Have I covered it all? But like I said You add up all the stories And what do you get?

What's the conclusion you come to? We need a civil war It's just saying It's only going to get to we need a civil war it's just saying it's it's only gonna get worse you get a complicit fucking lying cock sucking media and uh i know you like to believe that uh you know oh so much more progressive now after eight years of a but you're not you still have you know it's still 70 percent white and uh you look at all the polls they hate where the country is on both sides of the aisle so uh but as long as you have fucking college campuses you know this is the bastion of this

stupidity and brainwashing generation after generation and the uh media helping along with it um you know it's there's no middle did they say? The middle can't fucking hold. I mean, we're going to have it out. And I don't know if it's going to be in my lifetime, but at this rate, I think it is. I'm going to have to be throwing Molotov cocktails while I'm holding on to my walker. Killer God. So, uh, oh, my right nut is aching. Jesus Christ, I feel like Lance Armstrong.

Or as Pauly Walnut when he gets kicked in the balls by the Columbian. I gotta get an x-ray of my dick and balls. Yeah, I think I gotta have that hernia. Maybe I'll do it myself. I got a nice set of stag knives I got through the mail. And I'll rub ice right above my pubes. I think that's nice set of stag knives I got through the mail and I'll rub ice on right above my pubes. I think that's where it is, right? I don't even know. But anyways, it's another, it's another, just another sign I'll be dead soon. I'll see you on the street.

That's about it, kids. Good to talk to you again. We got a lot in, didn't we? that's about it, kids. Good to talk to you again. We got a lot in, didn't we? It's a tremendous show, isn't it? And I don't know what else. I gave you the plugs. Give them to you again.

You got to come out and see me. Otherwise, I'm going to get this here. But it was a nice, like I said, out in Timonium, Maryland. It was a nice turnout. Very encouraged when uh in timonium maryland it was a nice turnout very encouraged when i left there i liked it so much i had both feet on the gas pedal i was doing 176 on the way home um college football i touched on it actually with that one that one i always hit it real quick at the end. Clemson beat Florida State. That was pretty amazing. Alabama took LSU to the fucking woodshed.

So they're the real goddamn deal. And how about TCU getting spanked by Oklahoma State, who was 9-0? Everybody thought TCU was... Notre Dame keeps rolling with their backup third-string quarterback. That's how much talent they have at these schools. Anyways, amazing games. That Ole Miss-Arkansas thing that I told you about. Just unbelievable.

Have I got it all? Florida over Vanderbilt. How about Navy beating number 15 Memphis? I think they were Memphis was they were undefeated too, I think, going into that game.

Navy smoked them. That's quite an upset right there. I know some of you can't give two shits, but that's all right. Okay. Go home and watch Game of Thrones, you motherless fucks. Anyways, Patriots, what can you say? Denver lost to Indianapolis Colts. So I think the Pats, I think there's three teams left.

The Pats, Carolina, who beat up on Green Bay, who looks like they're fade. They were phonies. So it's Carolina, the Pats, and Cincinnati that are still undefeated. The only three teams left. Freaking Patriots and Belichick. Do you believe this shit? Anyways. Yeah, so Comedy Club of Jacksonville this week I keep thinking it's like a few weeks down the road it's this way I could

get on a fucking plane again uh Thursday Friday and Saturday I'll see you there Suffolk Theater in Riverhead New York on Saturday November 28th it's gonna be a beauty. And the comedy scene, which is in Foxborough, Mass., right next to Gillette Stadium on December 4th and 5th. January. I'll give you that, too, real quick. Levity Live on the 8th and 9th and 10th. That's right over the Tappan Zee Bridge. I forget, you know, Palisades Mall or whatever they call it. And then Zany's, one of my favorite cities, Chicago.

Zany's in downtown Chicago on January 14th and 15th. And then that Saturday, that 16th in the suburb of Rosemont, right outside of Chicago near the airport. All righty, kiddies. I think I got it all. Love you, man. Love you, gals, and everything in between. I love you for helping me to construct my life.

Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. He's a fake. Without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just He's a fake!

by yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.