The Nick DiPaolo Show - 116 - Bowie, Trump, Sam A-Hole Jackson, Philly/ISIS.mp3

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

Bowie, Trump, Sam A-Hole Jackson, Philly/ISIS.mp3

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, hey. What's up, ladies and gentlemen? How are you? Excuse me. It's Monday. Big week ahead. Got a physical later on today. That ought to be fucking fun, huh?

And then, what else heading to chicago on thursday zany's in chicago and on thursday night two shows and friday in rosemont right outside of chicago on saturday in rosemont all zany's gigs what's going on let's get to the important thank you very much as far as contributions of valerie burton again i've seen that name before thank you so much val can i call you val should i call you burt i appreciate it it's funny i see these i'm such a sexist pig i see a girl's now like i wonder if she's like 73 and likes me or she's uh 22 how about uh paulie frederick this guy contributes every month and not a little sum by the way thank you paulie again i don't know what to say man maybe i'll get caps and t-shirts made up i don't know what to do to thank you folks

but uh always appreciated you know that you know how much I love you, right? Sure you do. Even the people that don't contribute. If you're subscribing, you're contributing. See what I'm saying? So you're all appreciated here at the Phil Donahue Show. Remember him?

First big girl ever. Married Marlo Thomas, though. She was always a piece of ass. That girl. Yes, I know I'm dating myself, but I have fans that span from 15 to 96. So I try to touch on all of them. Yeah, so what in Christ is going on? It was a great weekend at Levity Live.

I think I have a new favorite room for many reasons, not just the number one reason it's 20 minutes away from my house. That's not the reason, although that helps. It's as nice a room. And again, I've been there just like on a Wednesday night or a Tuesday night, you know, when they're doing a produce show and I pop in, but I'd never been there just like on a Wednesday night or a Tuesday night, you know, when they're doing a produce show and I pop in. But I'd never been there. And by the way, over almost 1,400 people came out this weekend.

Friday night shows were within a CH, that's a dirty word, of being sold out. Close to 300. And then on Saturday night, they were completely sold out, to 300 and then on saturday night they were completely sold off both shows and even sunday night which is slow was you know more than half full so uh thank you so much what a club chris mazzilli uh steve you ought to be proud of that room and now you're probably saying what what makes a great room over shitty well first of all, it's set up beautifully. It's almost like a showroom in Vegas. Most importantly, the sound is unbelievable. It makes all the difference in the world sound to a comic.

Because you can mumble shit, which I do under my breath. The taglines that you come up with off the top of your head at the end of a joke. And some sound systems don't pick it up these this thing the acoustics are just amazing it's just well done audiences are well behaved because you know there's actually people uh in the room that work there and big thanks to clint this guy who worked the sound system and and again there's things that make for me that make up a great room and one of them is having a green room that's nowhere near the showroom so you don't have to listen to the whole show some clubs and it's not their fault but they build the green room right

next to the uh right next to the stage and uh it's horrible sometimes because you don't want to listen to the whole fucking show they'll be like you showing up at work and watching somebody you know whatever let's say you're a mechanic watching somebody change tires for two hours or whatever it's just it's mentally draining um they have a beautiful green room and with a nice tv and uh and the food there is tremendous. And I don't just say that. And again, I don't get excited about clubs, but I couldn't believe the difference. Like I said, I'd never been there when it was packed.

And the crowds were just, like I said, they listened. There was no idiots in the audience. It was just, it's an A room. It's an A plus room. And I guess I should shut up now because, you know, they'll hear this. And the next time my agent goes to make a deal, they'll be like, well, he fucking loves it. So we're going to give him $11 this time. Fuck him.

But made bonus, a couple of sellouts. And that's thanks to you guys for coming out. It was killer. It was killer. I come home. My wife didn't even recognize me. She's, what are you so

in a good mood about? Well, there's a fucking AA room 20 miles from our house here. How I hadn't been in there before this is beyond me.

But, awesome. And they pay attention to detail. I get there on Friday and I go look to the manager. There's only one thing I really need. It's in my rider. I need you to pay attention to detail i get there on uh friday and i go look to the the manager there's only one thing i really need it's in my writer i need you to pay attention a writer is the thing you send out with demands not like van halen you know with the green m&ms and shit but uh

i go there's only one thing i need you to pay and she goes i know you want me us to drop the checks at like 40 minutes into your show and no earlier. I'm like, yes. I said, you actually read the fucking writer? She's like, yeah. I go, well, congratulations. Not everybody does. It's nothing worse, folks, for when you're headlining for them to drop the checks. That's why you like to do theaters if you can more often than not.

But it depends how popular you are. I do a handful a year but not even um so uh yeah you know how they hand up the checks during the show as the show's coming to a close uh do you know any other form of entertainment where they do that i don't and uh but the manager knows she goes yeah 40 minutes and and and and it makes all the difference in the world. Because if I'm doing an hour up there and they drop the checks, sometimes these clubs will drop the checks.

I look down, it's 32 minutes. It's right in the middle of my set, just when I'm picking up steam. And they'll gut it. When you look out and see 250 people paying checks with their heads down, what happens is they're not hearing your jokes. And it sounds like you're not doing that well. And they can gut the meat of your set sometimes. So, you know, it doesn't sound like a big thing and shit, and maybe some comics don't even mind.

But I know a few people who have it. I got the idea, actually, from Brian Regan. You know, he has something in his writer where you, they can't, then again, he's playing theaters now. It's probably not an issue. But back in the day, he didn't want checks dropped in the first couple rows or whatever. And it makes a big difference. But the point is they already knew that when I got there. Like I said, Clint, the sound guy, every night he asked me how much time, you know, when to give the guy in front of me the light.

And Kendrick Cunningham, who did a great job again. So I'm just saying uh if you live in this area you want to go see comedy check out levity live because uh it it really is an a room and i knew it was nice from being there and i couldn't believe how how nice it was when it was packed and how well controlled the room was and everything hats off to those guys. Anyways, enough ass kissing. I like to wake up and not see, I guess it's my age, but every time I wake up for the last couple weeks,

somebody that I idolized as a kid has passed on. And you all know this by now when you listen to this. David Bowie, dead at 69 of cancer. It's funny, every time I saw him in the last couple of years, I go, he's really thin, but I didn't think he was sick. I go, look what great shape he keeps.

But he was getting really gaunt at the end. But Space Oddity, how do you not love this goddamn song? And he was a wild one. It's funny, as a kid, we were like, he's kind of gay. I don't know if I like him. He's kind of faggy.

Then you realize, you grow up a little, and you know what good art is, good music, and you're like, this guy is a fucking genius. Just a fucking wild man. But he was like bisexual.

You know, he would deny it, then he'd admit to it, and then he'd say he wasn't gay, he was bisexual, he wasn't bisexual, he was gay. He called himself a closeted heterosexual. gay. He called himself a closeted heterosexual. But come on, he banged Elizabeth Taylor, Marianne Faithfull, Bianca Jagger, Susan the douche Sarandon, who was a piece of ass in her day. Huge tits. Oh, I should have hit the button. Don't have it set up. Ola Hudson, she's the mother of Guns N' Roses. Slash. This guy got around. And I think it was his first wife that said she caught him in bed with Mick Jagger.

That's the type of shit that kind of scared me, I think, when I first heard that stuff. I'm like, well, doesn't mean he's not a fucking musical genius. But too bad, man. That's 69. It's too fucking young. Him and his wife were late for their... He married this woman, Angie, in 1970. They were late for their own wedding because she was caught up at a threesome.

With like one of the best men of some shit on their wedding day. And he was late too. What the fuck kind of boring life do I... I was at the church an hour early. Hadn't fucking banged anybody in 10 years. What kind of shit life am I living? But you know, Ziggy Stardust, the space creature, the doomed pop star, that character he came out. I mean, just fucking phenomenal. And he's gone. Nothing we can do about it.

He's gone. Nothing we can do. Great tunes, though. Here's a couple more for you. Great tunes though Here's a couple more for you All the young dudes Which I'm sure has many meanings He's from a suburb of London Bromley Late for the wedding because she was caught up

at a threesome. Who knows what the fuck he was doing. But yeah, suppose he was in the sack with Mick Jagger. Who the fuck? You know what?

At that point, those guys get so much pussy, they probably just experiment. I don't know. Or maybe they really are fucking, but... Can you imagine the pussy between Jagger and Bowie? Oh, shit, and the cock, too. I don't want to play that down.

Not in today's world. I don't want to be homophobic. But that's too goddamn bad, man. Too bad. Just, uh... You know? Oh, you remember this one. Still my favorite.

He's one of these guys you hear songs for years and then you go, that was Bowie? I didn't know. There's like eight songs out there. I didn't realize it was Bowie. But rest in peace, Dave. Nothing bums me out. But, you know, you consider his lifestyle. It's amazing he made it to 69. Kind of a wild bastard.

You know what I mean? And at the height of AIDS, and he's, like, bisexual. Wow. All right, Dave. Rest in peace, you crazy prick. Yeah. I guess he put an album out recently, and one of the songs, it's kind of foreshadowing his death. The lyrics of one of the songs is, look up here, I'm in heaven. But creating right up until the end, you know?

It's funny, they kept it pretty quiet. I know he didn't look the healthiest but i didn't know he was dying but then again i'm not caught up in the london scene but anyways what's in the news oh i don't know let me guess race if it's Monday. Since I talked to you last, we had a wannabe ISIS fella, actual Muslim in Philly, try to kill a cop.

This guy, Edward Archer, he's 30 years old. You've seen it all over the news. He's dressed in like white, walk right up to the cop car in Philly late at night, puts right open fires right in the window, hits the cop like, I don't know, how many times? I think he hit, didn't they say he hit like nine times or whatever?

The cop gets out of the car. How tough is this guy? Gets out of the car. Officer Jesse Hartnett, this is last Thursday, by the way, and actually shoots this guy in the ass as he's running away. You know? So that should go under the heading of terrorist attack. I'm sure the Obama administration will, you know,

dance around that for the next fucking month, if they even bring it up. But he's too busy trying to, you know, prop around that for the next fucking month, if they even bring it up. But he's too busy trying to, you know, prop up gun control. But there's a woman in Philly Saturday night, I guess she was talking to ABC News. She wants to stay anonymous, obviously. She said that the threat to police is not over. She said Archer is part of a group consisting of three others and that he is not the most radical of the four.

And, yeah, so cops be on the lookout, man. The guy has allegedly pledged allegiance to ISIS. He shot at the cop 11 times, by the way. And how about this? Surprise, surprise. Mr. Archer attended a mosque in Philly and became more radical after attending a second mosque nearby. But no, we shouldn't go undercover,

and we shouldn't have surveillance. And like I said, yeah, we shouldn't go undercover and we we shouldn't have surveillance and like i said yeah we shouldn't go undercover we should just have cops walking in there every day unannounced and going i'm going to mass just bring a prayer rug uh why do it surreptitiously just walk right the fuck in there and sit in the front row or kneel down whatever they do but who would have guessed huh but de blasio's here you know trying to undo all the good that giuliani and bloomberg did by uh you know because cops were able to go under cover into these mosques after 9-11 but that's being all undone by de blasio you can see why right common sense just says yeah what danger we in but uh yeah so uh you know

there's mosques all over the country, and I know some people go, who are really cynical, you don't think the cops and the FBI are watching them all? Apparently fucking not. If they are, they're not doing a good job, are they? Because Mr. Archer fell through the cracks. And I said it before on the show, this is going to happen a lot.

There's a fine line between a guy who pledges his allegiance to isis and just an angry black guy who is disassociated from our society for whatever reasons and um there's gonna be a lot of uh tyrone washington's aka abdul akhma bazal you're gonna hear a lot about that's gonna be uh you know that type of this type of stuff is going to increase in my humble opinion since we're a politically correct open society that's a perfect storm right there the perfect recipe but uh yeah so just pop into a mosque and you know his mother mr arch's mother said he had her son had been hearing voices in his head.

And you can use that as a convenient thing too, right? See, even they're catching on now. They're like, yeah, in case he goes to court, we can say he's fucking crazy. He had nothing to do with Islam. But Mr. Archer confessed to shooting hard in the name of Islam. That's what he told the police commissioner, Richard Ross. According to Mr. Archer, he believed that the police defend laws that are contrary to the teachings of the Quran. Yeah, that's exactly fucking right. You got that right. Because

we're not in Pakistan. Or some other third world shithole. You're in America. It's called liberty and freedom. Enjoy it, stupid. He had one previous arrest. He's traveled twice

from the New York area airports to the Middle East, to Saudi Arabia in 2011, Fahaj, and to Egypt in 2012. He has a U.S. passport and was not on a watch list. Hmm. How about that?

How about anybody, any American going to the Middle East for anything? I don't give a shit if you're going to see the pyramids. How about that? Again, I say prejudge, profile. Do what you gotta do. Because apparently these motherfuckers mean business. Don't they? Yes, they do.

But do you imagine? I mean, this is the city of brotherly love. Has there ever been a city named more incorrectly? That's what you hear. You go into a flyers game. Come out of the mosque next door. What the fuck? Even their music sucks.

Fucking just sucks. Compare that to, you know, this. I mean, come on. We have better music. All cultures are not equal. Want to hear that? How do you want to hear this when I get off the phone, I got to play. Want to hear that? How do you want to hear this when you get up in the morning? He's a real toe-tapper, huh? What a great culture. It has so much to offer if it was 15 fucking BC.

All the young angry dudes. I'm shooting the cop because I'm a sick motherfucker living in a co-op hey hey hey so uh yeah watch out cops everywhere especially Philly I mean I remember being in Philly doing a gig a few years ago, and they had already had seven, six or seven cops had been shot, like, in the first, I don't know, how many minutes.

It was crazy. It was fucking crazy. It had to be like five or six years ago. I couldn't believe what I was reading in the paper. So, as you can see, our country is an experiment that is not really working, folks. I mean, it did work for a while. And, you know, when immigrants came over from Europe, they used to be proud to come here and assimilate and become Americans. But somehow the left said, that's racist. They should be able to hold on to their cultures and whatnot.

And now we're 80, you know, 80,000 different ethnicities living next to each other with nothing in common. Not the language, not the food, nothing, nothing. We got nothing. And somebody better take charge quick or it's all going to go away. Thanks to Dick Whedon, chief. I guess he met with some, he finally had the balls to do a town meeting where he actually,

which he hasn't done since he became president, he actually got in a room with live people who disagree with him. Isn't that amazing? Took him seven and three-quarter years. What an adult. I love that some woman stood up there talking about gun control. She was a victim of rape and she's like,

I don't understand how you can't understand that I need a gun to protect me and my family. And I'm paraphrasing, by the way. He had no fucking answers, really.

But at least, you know, at least he pretended to listen for an hour. You know, instead of sending Josh Ernest to the microphone. We gotta pass these and the

President PL's gonna quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. All the changes he's trying to make would have affected none of the attacks that we've had over the last year. None. None whatsoever. He's just chipping away. And again, I'm not a big fucking gun guy either way

but i you know i'd like to know i can protect myself but but he's just chipping away at the second amendment that's what they do you know it doesn't apply you think i fucking like this guy archer this this guy in philly really you think uh he's gonna fill out the proper paperwork and do anything that's gonna put him in a background check situation? Really? That's how. I can't believe you can't fucking get past that. Silly goose. Silly goose. Huh. Staying in the race category how about uh big mouth whitey hater samuel l jackson another crybaby multi-millionaire black

person who hates the united states a country that made him uh rich beyond his wildest dreams. Just hates his Stallone. Excuse me. Stallone actually won a Golden Globe for his supporting actor in Creed. And he went up and gave the speech that you give after. And he forgot to thank the director, Ryan Coogler, and his co-star, Michael B. Jordan, who are both black. Honest mistake, I'm sure. Stallone looked like he was stunned when they announced his name. And, you know, he's not the first person to have gotten it. But they happen to both be black. And, yeah, those are big names.

Your co-actor and your uh and uh the director abso-fucking-lutely but i guess stallone actually went back this wasn't on air and jumped back up there when he remembered and did thank them but sam l jackson was right on it on twitter you know hashtag wait wait wait ryan coogler michael b jordan thanks for acting with me this is samuel jackson's tweet when stallone forgot and um you know stallone thanked everybody's wife his family and the agency got to all the all the important people all the agents and whatever but do you really think he's racist sam l jackson you whitey hater do you really i don't know who played the original creed was it a chinese guy what was that

uh was that an eskimo woman who played the original apollo cree yeah carl weathers a black fella um paradise alley who played big glory i don't even know the actor's name. Big black guy who I love, by the way. He was in Stallone's, like, three or four of his films. Who gave Mr. T in Rocky III a shot? A guy who couldn't act. He was a fucking bar bouncer at a bar in Chicago. Yeah, so, I mean, does that count for anything, Mr. Jackson? Huh?

Does that count for anything? Couldn't you just know? You couldn't get to social media quick enough to call somebody racist. What drives you? What really fucking drives you? I wish you would go away. And I love your work, by the way. Not that you give a shit, Mr. Jackson.

What do you care? I'm doing a podcast. You'll never hear this. But, you know, he's great in everything he does, because, you know, everything he does is an angry black character, it's a real stretch for Mr. Jackson, whitey hater, oh, my fucking word, at least on social media, I guess Rocky fans, you know, fucking fought back, tell him to go kiss his ass, they were defending, defending Stalloneone you know

so it says uh because of the backlash sam l jackson made sure to recognize that he understands how sylvester forgot to name everyone amidst the shock of his win why doesn't why isn't that the first instinct why is it to point to them and call them racist first because it's been drilled into your head and you don't like white people you never did even though they've made you filthy rich sigh sigh

I love these articles and at the end it goes do you think it, they ask a question at the end do you think it was, because this comes offline do you think it was fair for Samuel to call out Sylvester? Tell us what you think. Fucking who gives a fuck? I think it's fair that he's hired tons of minorities

over the years. His films have literally grossed billions of dollars. With a B. He's as big a box office drawer as anybody ever. gross billions of dollars with a B he's as big a box office drawer as anybody ever and I like to count I don't know I like to see what Sam L Jackson has done

for white actors young starving actors and actresses just unbelievable to me it's just unbelievable you can be that rich and that fucking... I don't want to use the word hateful because that's what they'd say. Like what I'm saying right now. That's hateful. That's hateful.

Hey, where are the white women at? Yeah, exactly, Sam. How many times have you said that? Hey, where are the white women at? at? Hey, where are the white women at? They'll be at the party after the Golden Globes. Anyways, good to see Stallone getting rewarded, baby. And I got to see that. Haven't seen it yet. Haven't seen it. Heard great things.

Heard good things. Lucky Luciano said to. Yeah, so, you know, these all the black successful actors, I mean, they're filthy rich, and they just, you know him and these all the black successful actors i mean they're filthy rich and they just you know spike lee can't leave it alone they're just obsessed with white people and their hatred of white people nobody calls them out on hollywood nobody the fans have to do it on twitter so there is some good to social media damn it's hot up in here.

Yeah, I got to... Well, who else do we usually talk about on this show? You know who I'm talking about. Oh, don't tell me I didn't pull the clip. Did you hear about... Trump? Trump was talking about the NFL. And he says it's become soft.

I thought I actually had a clip of him saying that. Maybe I don't. I don't. But it doesn't matter. He was talking this weekend, and he was saying how the country had gone soft. But he also brought up, he started to talk about football. And I couldn't agree with him more. And he got really specific about the refereeing and shit. And've said this stuff my buddies have said it and and and he's so so right on um he was talking about iraq and then

he got off the subject and then got on to the nfl he goes it's uh it's sunday who the hell wants to watch these crummy games and you've heard me say this i've been saying it for years on this show i just want to watch the end by the way okay let me go there for a second he goes let me end that story he's talking about iraq but um he said by the way we're going to be respected if he becomes president he doesn't like to use the word feared but but he still he goes i'm watching a game yesterday what used to be considered a great tackle, a violent head-on tackle, you know, a violent, if it was done by Dick Butkus, he'd say he's the greatest player.

Or if that were done by Lawrence Taylor, you know, it was done by Lawrence Taylor, he says, and Dick Butkus and Nitschke, bringing up a bunch of guys that you fellas in your 30s probably don't even know who. But he said he used to see these tackles and it was incredible to watch. Now they tackle. He's like, oh, head-on collision, 15-yard penalty. The whole game is screwed up, which, by the way, I agree with some of that.

I don't think what Trump doesn't understand, because I'm guessing he never played the game, that the, you know, back in the day of Nitschke and Butkus, that the, you know, back in the day of Nitsky and Butkus, the strong safeties weren't 6'2", 225 pounds, 230, and didn't run a 4'5", 40, and there wasn't AstroTurf, and the collisions are way more violent today, and somebody would get killed. And eventually, I think that's what they're trying to avoid

with the headshots, not to mention the concussions but yes it's the very reason I started watching football was those vicious hits over the middle and I saw one this week again I can't remember which playoff game I was watching it in the green room not the Bengals hit that was a shot to the head that was actually a you know back in the day like Trump said that would be considered

a good hard tackle um that bengals guy that hit the receiver for uh was it brown for the steals uh shoulder right on the top of the head you know and uh he was right but um there was another one where a guy get drilled in the chest a beautiful hit um shoulder right into the middle of the chest the defense and it was a vicious hit but it was clean and it's just what the nfl wants and he still got flagged on it because the refs suck the 90 year old white guys who can't keep up they sell real estate during the offseason and here's the part i love that trump mentioned that me and my buddy, you know, Detective Zook that was on the show a few weeks back,

he said the worst thing, and I'm paraphrasing, but the worst thing they did was give, like, my buddy said this, and I said it, give the refs a chance to, you know, they gave them the microphones. Now they're on TV. Some of them love to be on TV. I swear to Christ. the microphones now they're on tv some of them love to be on tv i swear to christ but um he said yeah the league's getting soft just like just like our uh just like our country and uh he goes i don't even watch the games anymore and i know what

he's talking about i do because i just happen to be free on the weekend days. He said it's going to affect the NFL in the end. And it is. Like, I had to be on stage and I didn't really give a shit, you know, that I was missing these games. But he says the referees, this is Trump saying, they want to all throw flags so their wives can see them at home. Oh, there's my husband. He just broke up he just gave a 15-yard penalty on one of the most beautiful tackles ever made this is what Trump is saying and my buddy Zooka detective Zook said the same thing to me back in uh November of this year on the phone he goes the worst thing they ever did is give these

fucking refs a microphone and I said it before i said this guy loves to be on there's certain refs that want to be on tv i swear to christ uh i think there's some truth to that i mean we live in this fucking nation where we all you know everybody you know we're media driven look i'm in show business i want to be on tv it's how i make my living but these fucking ref, I really wonder sometimes if they don't love the FaceTime. But I just love that Trump, I mean, he really is. People, and I know people on the left go, what the fuck is he talking about? Does Obama adjust Ernest up Nancy Pelosi, even though the difference between a headshot and a good tackle? Well, if it means votes.

If it means votes. But I kind of agree, don't you? The society has been feminized in my opinion you know cautiousness and i've said this before that's not in a guy's dna but we're the ones the fellas who let the society become feminized so ultimately we're to blame but you know with the pink scarves in october and breast cancer awareness month and you know female referees. Now we got women doing play-by-play football, you know, and college football. And well, what's wrong with that, Nick? I'll say it again. There's a thousand guys who actually played the game, men who could use

that job and way more qualified because they played the fucking game all right how do you argue with that logic i don't know and i've brought this up before it's on one of my albums and the analogy i use and i say to the audience i go to you women out there how many you women think men should decide the abortion issue of course nobody raised their hands and i go of course men shouldn't decide it right because they've never carried a baby and And you've never carried a football. So get the fuck off SportsCenter and out of the booth. Plus your voices aren't made for television. Not all of you.

There's a few women out there that have deeper voices than me. You know who I'm talking about. I'm Beth Mowens. So, you know. And then I see a commercial. you see this commercial for the NFL, I can't even keep up with these commercials, I don't know, it's promoting football, playfootball.com, I don't know if it's a website, a fucking video game, I don't even know what the fuck it is, it's like a PSA, but it shows little, you know, kids playing like youth football, and of course, at the end, a girl comes up, lets her hair down down she gets into the huddle like with the other place she goes i got a plan i'm gonna demand your

respect or something like that coming out of like a 10 year old that's a good way to get a guy's respect be a bitch at age 10 can they fucking leave it alone for five fucking minutes seriously if you don't think hollywood has been hijacked by fucking feminist extremists, you fucking are paying attention. You really are paying attention. The emasculation, they're obsessed with it. They can't, whether it's movies or, I can't even go to movies anymore. I can't get past it.

I can't get past the Hollywood horse shit. I can't get past the Hollywood horse shit. One of my favorite movies that I've seen recently is The Judge with Robert Duvall, because I love Duvall, great actor, and Robert Downey Jr., who I fucking love, by the way. By the way, Sean Penn, another actor of his generation, met with El Chapo back in October when he was on the run. I guess he did an interview, and he didn't tell anybody. I might bring that up later. I don't give a fuck. Who cares about Sean Penn?

By the way, Sean Penn, as far as acting, maybe the best of my generation. Him and Robert Downey Jr. But I'm just saying. Anyways, it gets me too crazy. I can't even talk about that one. What the fuck was I even talking about? But I'm watching, oh yeah, The Judge.

And, you know, Duvall plays the judge. Robert Downey Jr. is a lawyer. His son, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. But anyways, Robert Duvall's character ends up killing a guy with his car. Has to, you know, goes on trial. And the first lawyer he wants to represent him is some dumb southern hick fucking idiot just just portrayed as a fucking idiot

moron and they established that for like five minutes in the movie and then he's given robert downey jr his resume he goes anti-clerk with uh judge thomas which mean, do you really think we don't pick up on shit like that? Liberal Hollywood fuck faces? Because they hate Clarence Thomas. The far left thinks he's Uncle Tom, but that's not racist when they say it. They just think he's a plantation house, you know what? And, but that's how they, you know, they have to throw that in there. Then you wonder why people accuse, you know, of having an agenda when you write movies and TV shows.

Guy was the stupidest hick character they established. He was a moron. And then they throw that in at the end. And then there's another scene where they're picking the jury. And, of course, all the idiots with their bumper sticker slogans. That's the ones that the lawyers want because they can convince them of anything. And it's just so funny.

I just can't get past that. And my poor wife can't watch a movie with me because I have to point it out. And for some reason, it makes her angry. You know, I'm just pointing the shit out. She gets fucking crazy. She's like, will you? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I'm like, no, I won't shut up. I tell her I'm not going to shut up until you stop pointing this shit out before I do. Anyways, Trump, you're right on that one. He's winning in New Hampshire too. It's un-fucking-believable to me. I think he's going to get beat in Iowa because Ted Cruz has a serious ground game going on, and he knows what he's doing. But Trump is winning in New Hampshire, which I thought he wouldn't, and this is the most interesting, if anything anything it's the most interesting he's made this

the most interesting election year in the history of this country maybe can he pull it off what are the odds i don't know better than powerball spent i spent like an idiot i spent 40 on those numbers. I don't even think I had one number. They give the winning numbers. I don't even think I had one number. Can you imagine? What, each number?

What is it, five numbers in each thing times 20? What's that? Six numbers times 20, 120 numbers. I don't think I had one fucking number. And nobody else did either. It's going over a billion dollars this weekend. Now let me tell you something, folks. If I hit that thing, I'll still be here doing this show next week.

So send your contributions whether I hit it or not. I'm telling you. I need the goddamn money, you motherfucker. This is me looking at the ticket and comparing it to the winning numbers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that was me comparing my tickets to the winning numbers. I'll tell you now. Why is it so hot up in this motherfucker? Yeah, I'm still, I don't know what it is,

I had such a great time doing stand-up, yet I have a pit in my stomach about going to the airport Thursday, you would think after 28 years, I wouldn't, I just, I just hate the fucking hotels, and the, you'll never understand, again, when you're single, and you're in your 20s and 30s and you know you get to the club you hit it you hit on the first hot white fish you see sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't and if that doesn't you used to go into the audience and get one that's you know passable and yeah you could be with him for the whole weekend it's nice you don't get bored but now sitting there i mean how many times can you fucking look at your notes and and no i'm not going to go to the bowling fucking hall of fame in cleveland again and

see where the mop was invented in milwaukee and but and zany's is a great club by the way it's been around forever it's a tiny room in Chicago it's a small intimate room and I'm doing two shows there Thursday it's just fucking driving to LaGuardia from Westchester and then fucking checking into the hotel and then the two fucking show and then Friday morning they're at my hotel at 6 30 to pick me up to do a ton of radio that doesn't make a fucking difference it doesn't because i'll ask on stage i'll go who fucking heard me and there's no most of people that come out of still in their 20s okay and they're not up at 6 fucking a 6 30 a.m i always thought if they just played some of my bits

or comedians bits because that's what the people want to hear, if you're funny or not. But anyways, Man Cow's got a huge show, and he's been around forever, in Chicago, so that show could actually help. But a lot of them, other ones, what you're doing is providing free plugs for the club itself.

It's really not about your weekend. But I just got this pit in my stomach. I don't know why. This is a dangerous situation. Hey Nick, you made your own bed. Fucking laying it. Yeah, I understand. I understand.

Oogats, I understand. Let's talk some, uh... Let's talk some, uh, football, huh? So I'm in the green room. I come off stage, uh, Saturday night, was it? Uh, at Levity Live. Going to the beautiful green room. And come off stage Saturday night, was it? At Levity Live. We go into the beautiful green room. And I walk in. And I can't believe that the Bengals, I had left, I think they were down 15 to nothing to the steel. I come back in. The Bengals are ahead,

16 to 15. I'm standing there. And there's a break in the action. There's a minute 50 left. I'm standing there going, should I watch the rest of this or go back out there, you know, shake a few hands on my way to the car? And I had such a good time on stage

and the crowds are so great. But I've been around and I've watched so much sports and NFL in my life. I go, if I leave this room now, something fucking mental is going to happen. I know it.

Sure enough, I leave the room. I go out, say hello to a few people. I get home, I almost go into shock. I'm watching like, I see the final score. Did you guys see that? You must have. Of course you did. You're heterosexuals who watch this show. You weren't watching Glee, Vampires, fucking Skinny Chick, Hungry Game,

fucking Green Hornet, Faggotry. You were watching the NFL. The Bengals, they score 69 answered in the fourth quarter. Buck 50, buck 50 left. They go ahead. Right? 16 to 15. Then,

all hell fucking breaks loose. Just a sad turn of events. They get called for two 15-yard penalties with 18 seconds left. That was after a hit to the head that i was talking about earlier right vante's a perfect drilled uh receive in the head right it's a head shot gets a 15-yard penalty and what happens is after the penalty's thrown there's all kinds of pushing and shoving joey porter who's a fucking coach for the steelers and he was a bit of a mouth in his day hell of a ball player he's out on the field

assistant coach for the steelers and he starts chirping with some of the bengals and adam pacman jones known for his uh known for his um you know emotional control pushes joey porter in the chest another flag goes up so there's 30 yards worth of penalties by the way this is after the guy fumbled for the for the freaking uh for the bengals a poor prick i forget his goddamn name it's not even important but uh I forget his goddamn name. It's not even important. But Jeremy Hill fumbled.

He had the ball stripped away by Ryan Shazier at the Steelers' nine. I forgot to bring that up with a minute and 23 left. And then Roethlisberger comes off the sideline because he was hurt with a shoulder injury. Missed the entire most of the fourth quarter. He comes back on. Hits Antonio Brown. A couple other short

passes. Bing, bang, bang. Next thing you know, all hell breaks loose with the penalties. After the 30 yards worth of penalties, they're in field goal position. This guy comes in, fucking chip shot, bang, bang, boom. I know I did that in kind of not the best chronological order, but who am I?

Fucking Marv Albert? Bottom line is the poor Bengals were about to go to their first playoff and win their first playoff game in about 25 years. And poor Jeremy Hill. And he owned up to it, by the way. Which you should if you're a man. He did get stripped of the ball. Can you imagine?

Yeah, A.J. Green gave the Bengals a 16-15 lead with a buck 50 left. gave the Bengals a 16-15 lead with a buck 50 left. And Burfecht had made an interception to seal the game, and then that guy fumbles, Jeremy Hill. Oh, my God, you talk about painful. God damn it. And Pac-Man Jones, after the game goes on instagram this guy's a hardcore like gangster okay he fucking shot up a strip club imagine he's still in the league years ago remember bouncer got paralyzed at a i think i think the guy was from

long island the bouncer but pac-man's still in the fucking league after getting booted out of the league. I mean, he just... Anyways, he goes on Instagram after the game. Here we go. Fucking refs did a horrible fucking job. You got fucking... Jerry Porter in the middle of the fucking field talking shit to everybody

and then when somebody say something to him, he don't need poops to be on the fucking field? Excuse me. Excuse me. Dad, are you gonna... be on the fucking field that made me laugh and then he went back on instagram like 10 minutes later he said look i cooled down i have my 10 minutes. And he was a completely different person. And he's a fucking unbelievable ball player. But, you know, it's amazing that he's still in the league with the shit that he's done off the field. And, you know, and just to fucking. Let's listen to that again.

His assessment of what happened. Fucking refs did a horrible fucking job. You got fucking Jerry Porter in the middle of the fucking field talking shit to everybody, and then when somebody say something to him, he don't even supposed to be on the fucking field? As opposed to back in the 70s. This is when a coach would get mad at an NFL referee in the 70s. Mr. Official, let me ask you something. How can six of you miss a play like that, huh?

Oh, six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field. No. What? Fucking refs did a horrible fucking job. You got fucking, uh, uh, Jerry Porter in the middle of the fucking field talking shit to everybody

and then when somebody say something to him, he don't even supposed to be on the fucking field? Hey, where are the white women at? And you know what? Pac-Man happens to be right in that situation. That assistant's

not supposed to be on the field. Assistant, that's not allowed. Right? that assistant's not supposed to be on the field that's not allowed right so that flag shouldn't even it shouldn't even happen and that's another 15 yards so I mean that was really fucked up the NFL has to look at that I mean the headshot there's nothing you can do but what the fuck

he goes on instagram and then he comes back i couldn't find the other part where he's all calm and shit but um just fascinating you wonder why the nfl is such a success it's like a goddamn soap opera with the personalities and the unbelievable games. But here's what bothers me about the Bengals and Marvin Lewis, the coach, Marv Lewis. Marv Lewis comes out and goes, it was a team loss. It wasn't anyone in particular, which is total bullshit. Once again, not holding people accountable. The guy that did the headshot, he was like a troubled player in college,

I thought I read. You know? That's why he didn't get drafted or whatever, at least that's what I, somebody had, I had read that somewhere, and then Pac-Man Jones is just a fucking straight-out gangster, and Marvin Lewis is going, oh, that had nothing to do with it, bullshit, absolute fucking bullshit, how'd you like to be the players that don't do shit like that? So that was just as much my fault? A player who did his job all day? How do you do that?

Well, you win as a team and you lose as a team. Not with shit like that. That's why they're called personal fouls. No control. No impulse control. At least the the hit i can sort of understand but even that you gotta you gotta know it's late in the game and shit that's easier said than done though because when you're on a football field your adrenaline and your you know and and your your

bread to take people's heads off but uh you know. But Joey Porter's not supposed to be on the field, right? So I don't know, man. But you can't say, well, you know. I guess if you single people out, if you point fingers, you know, that's wrong too. Well, then how do you hold people accountable? I don't know.

I'd be surprised if he's back marv lewis and you're like well they had a good year whatever never wins in the playoffs i don't think poor prick so that was a heartbreaker again i'm standing in the green room going should i leave i'm sitting there watching the team should i fucking leave and then how about the poor vikings playing in like minus six degrees in minneapolis which was great by the way if you're my age did you not get a fucking hard on watching that the purple uniforms we used to call them the purple people eaters in the 70s with Alan Page and Carl Eller, Fran Tarkenton, Jeff Seaman has a linebacker, Paul Krause was a safety a white safety how about that that's how long ago this was.

I think he still holds the interception record, too. Don't quote me on that. But the Vikings are playing outside sub-zero weather. And you can see their breath. How fucking awesome was that? Against the Seahawks. The Vikings get the ball back with a minute and something left. They got to go 70, 80 yards, right?

And they do. Love that Teddy Bridgewater. Love that fucking guy. Loved him at Louisville. Anyways, he gets him all the way down there for a chip shot. A 27-yarder. And here's what happened. 27-yarder. And here's what happened. 27-yard attempt.

Jeff Lott is the holder. McDermott is the snapper. And the kick is no good! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Not this fucking time! No fucking way! No fucking way! No fucking way! No fucking way, mate! Oh, God.

Not this time, Vikings. rag-hawking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm gonna put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. Not this time. Not this time, Vikings. Oh, that poor bastard. And the replay showed that the laces on the ball were facing the kicker and I actually kicked in high school. I did it all, folks. Defense, offense,

running back, safety, kicker. But I never had the kick. We had Mark Bavaro as a tight end. So it could be fourth and 28. We'd fucking just dump it off to Bavaro. But the lacings do make a difference. If you kick the lacings, the ball will. If the lacings are turned to the left and the ball will go left,

you want the lacaces, the ball will, if the laces that turn to the left and you kick, the ball will go left. You want, you want the, the laces away from you. Everybody knows that that follows the game. That's heterosexual. And they weren't, but again, it was fucking cold. And like the, I thought the guy made a good comment. The color commentary guy said, well, the hold is wearing gloves. You know, he probably was afraid to fuck with it or whatever, but whatever. 27 yard.

Even with the laces facing you, man. You think you could make that? That is a chip. That poor bastard. Do you understand? What's it like to go in the shower after? Because kickers, you know, they're not that well liked anyways. Because while you guys are doing tackling drills and blocking drills in two

days and running into each other, head on separating shoulders, getting concussions, they're over on the sideline, kicking into a fucking net and practicing their onside kicks. And he must've felt like, uh, you know,

a white guy at an Alabama prison shower after the game. I bet you nobody talked to the poor prick. Oh my God. What a horrible, he couldn't have slept a wink. Couldn't have. Unless he just doesn't give a fuck. Maybe one of those guys.

I just felt so horrible for that guy. Anyways. There was some interesting. Then there was some uninteresting games. The Chiefs kicked the living shit out of the Texans, who, you know, they shouldn't have been in there in the first place. They got hot for like three minutes and made it.

But to reward the Chiefs' victory over the Texans, they get to go to play my New England Patriots up at Gillette. Good luck, Chiefs. I don't give a shit if you've won 20 in a row. I'm hoping Edelman's back when I say that, by the way. I'm hoping. And Amendola.

But the Chiefs are like, what, 11-12 in a row or some shit? Crazy how many they've won. It's the most the team's ever won that hadn't made the playoffs in the previous year. I know that much. So, but good luck up in Gillette, motherfuckers. That should be interesting. I'm glad it's not the Ravens. It's always the same. And then this, you know, so the Steelers have to go to Denver. And

that should be interesting. Goddamn Steelers, man. They do just enough to get in. And then they turn it on. It's funny. I kind of like Tomlin. During the regular season, they're sloppy. There's nothing great about them. But then money comes. They get their shit together. So you got the Steelers, the Broncos. I think the Broncos won that. Chiefs at the Pats.

Pats won that. Seahawks at the Panthers. Panthers are going to win that. Green Bay goes to Arizona Cardinals. Cardinals are going to win that, but I'm not so sure. They haven't been that good lately. So that would leave the Pats going to the Broncos in the AFC Championship, and we will win if we're healthy.

Broncos are not that impressive. I'm sorry. And then I would say you had in the NFC Championship, these are my predictions, Panthers. It'll be the Panthers, the Cardinals at the Panthers. So I think you're going to see a Panthers-Pats Super Bowl. And what's funny, Steve Serby, who hates the Patriots, a New York sports writer, even he has the Pats winning the Super Bowl.

I picked that up, almost fell off my seat because he hates the fucking Patriots. But if they're healthy, again, this all depends if the offensive line can get their shit together. But if we get Edelman back and Amendola's healthy, and you know that makes a world of difference. Two players can make a huge difference. Those are just my picks, folks. What do you give a shit? And closing the show, I did a lot of sports today. I know that's not,

but we can't, you know, I'm preparing for my prostate exam later, I'm already fucking having a couple glasses of wine, Alabama at Clemson tonight, for you college football fans, this is a matchup for the, for the ages,

again, there were a lot of great matchups in the bowl season, and they kind of sucked this year. But, you know, you can't talk about a National College Football Championship without, you know, lately without Alabama and without hearing this guy's voice. The hyperbole is done. Now we can finally play the game. Look at that.

Oh, my goodness. One man. Goodbye. Hello, high school. we can finally play the game. Touchdown! Touchdown! The ball's up in the air, caught, touchdown! Ball goes into the end zone, and it is incomplete. Oh, the phone, everybody, there's a penalty flag thrown, and I think it's against Miami. The royalty of college football is in assembly at the Rose Bowl 2006. Construction, oh, does a fumble all the players in the net! How do you sum up a rivalry between Michigan and Ohio State? Well, it's not liking somebody since about 1939.

Anyways, tonight, Alabama-Clemson, folks. I'm telling you, watch it. I don't know how this is going to be bad. It's number one Clemson, 14-0 against number two, 13-1 Alabama, whose defense could beat a lot of NFL teams. And I don't see how this can't be a great game. I really don't. Best football game I ever saw, I think, was Texas-USC a few years back

as far as college championships. But Alabama's playing for their fourth title in the last seven years under Saban. And Clemson hasn't won one since 1981. Okay, but it's going to be a fucking barn burner. The Heisman Trophy winner, Derek Henry, he's a running back for Alabama. He only had 2,061 yards and 25 TDs this year. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. And then you got Deshaun Watson, who could have won the Heisman just as easily, the quarterback for Clemson, who's just unbelievably athletic, running. He had more than 4,700 yards of total offense this year with over 1,000 yards. 4,700 yards of total offense this year with over 1,000 yards. He's a sophomore, by the way. 1,000 yards, 1,032 yards rushing. It's going to be on ESPN at 8.30. If you don't watch that, I really question your sexuality. Nick, that doesn't have anything to do. Shut up. Shut up, I'm telling you. Shut up. Shut up, I'm telling you. Problem? You're the fucking problem. That's right. You fucking Dr. White, onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble, I'm telling you, H. You keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground, I promise you.

Not this time. Not this time. But it's going to be interesting, man, because these athletic quarterbacks do give Alabama a little bit of trouble. Like Manziel and Nick Marshall, a few other fellas. But how about this Heisman Trophy win to Derrick Henry? Down the stretch of the season, he had 200 yards against Texas A&M, LSU, Mississippi State, and Auburn. Oofa.

It's going to be unbelievable. It's going to be Jake Coker is the quarterback for Alabama. And so watch that. Watch that game. That's about it, kids. Didn't get that heavy today, did we? I couldn't help it.

David Bowie's dead. I got to get a finger on my ass later for my doctor. I got to get on a plane on Thursday. My head's everywhere. I just, I don't on my ass later for my doctor. I got to get on a plane on Thursday. My head's everywhere. I just, I don't know what to think. Every time I wake up, somebody I love is passing away. But keep the action.

Oh, I tell you, David Bowie was in and out of bed with men and children and women. He fucked everybody. That is it. Thank you so much again for the contributions. Thank you for coming out to see me. That's right, dates. I already told you about Zany's. But January 23rd, Sports Haven, New Haven, Connecticut.

And then Celine's in Wantage, New Jersey. That's on January 29th. And then the Comedy Shop at the Regency House Hotel, Pompton Plains on January 30th. And then Music Hall in Portsmouthency House Hotel, Palmton Plains, on January 30th. And the Music Hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, February 12th. The Brokerage in Belmore, Long Island, Friday the 26th and Saturday the 27th of February. That's enough. I'll talk to your kids real soon.

Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir. real soon. guitar solo I'm out.