The Nick DiPaolo Show - 118 - Guest Joe Matarese

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

Guest Joe Matarese

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. You know what that music means? It's either Joe Liss or Joe Matariz. Or Joe Pantaleone. But he ain't made it up here yet, motherfuckers. Joe Matariz in the house. I was trying to think of another Joe. Me too. Joe Namath.

Joe Namath fucking Joanne Worley. That's somebody from the 70s, folks. Joe Rogan. Joey Diaz. Joey Rogan. Oh, come on. Who do we got? Talk of real celebrities.

Acker was. There's some huge Joes. Joe, Joe. Joseph Stalin will be on the show tonight. Joey Stalin. Football players. Joe. Joe Montana is upstairs in my kitchen.

Yeah, Joe Montana's coming down. Joe. I caught the motherfucker messing around. So, Joe, let's promote the thing real quick before we get into fucking nonsense okay you want to promote my gig you already know what i'm promoting that's why you're here yeah yeah i'm glad you remember the ritz theater in fucking plattsburgh now where is it it's in south jersey haddon township new jersey february 13th uh day before valentine's day it's just a gig gig but it's in a theater it's in a it's like it's in a theater. It's in a, it's like.

It's not a, you're not shooting it. You just shot something. No, no. Right. But it's really the first time that I've tried to do a show like five minutes from where I grew up in, in a theater. It's the first time I've ever tried to do this. Well, that's good.

And it's not huge. It's only 350 seats. Yeah. But that's a perfect, as long as it's not a comedy club, it makes it nice. It's nice. And we're having an, literally because it's Valentine's Day, we're making like an after party afterwards. They're going to literally pull fucking theater chairs out, have music and food and booze. It's going to be like a party afterwards.

What are you, the Ryan Seacrest of New Rochelle? Well, it's not New Rochelle. It's in South Jersey where I grew up. I really grew up down there. I know, but you live in New Rochelle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See,elle. It's in South Jersey where I grew up. I really grew up down there. I know, but you live in New Rochelle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, Joe, that's why I said that. I don't know.

I got a lot of friends down there. You got a lot of friends down there. And my wife's got a lot of college friends from the Philly area that are coming. And fuck it, we'll hang out. So there's going to be like a dance after. I don't know. I don't know if it'll be a dance. We might have a band play.

I got special guests. Your wife's going to be there? Yeah. Special guests? Yeah. What, Artie? No, I don't have any. What do you mean special guests?

Oh, doing comedy? Yeah. Well, and maybe playing some music. He's a fag. Oh. I can't say because it's like. Oh, you got Bon Jovi's going to do it. Yeah, fucking Springsteen.

Springsteen's actually in Philly the night before. Is he really? Maybe he could jump on an Amtrak. I'm trying to get... No, he's in Philly. He's in Philly the night before. I'm trying to get tickets because I figured out that'd be cool. I'll go down and...

No, I'm saying the night before. He's going to come up to your gig the next night on Amtrak. Yeah. Do a little Rosalita. Fucking, you give him an 11.5. You're down four in the hole. This sounds interesting. So you're going to do the gig.

Now, here's what would be great if you weren't fucking married. You do the gig, then you're having like a freshman mixer after. You get laid. It would be automatic. All kinds of fucking snazzola. Oh, my God. I was in Chicago last week. Sold out four or five shows, by the way.

And what the fuck? I could have got fucking laid many times did you do you ever get the hit on even though you're married guy those are hilarious you ever get those that's what i'm talking about i had one at an arty show once i'll never forget it i'm married i had at least one kid and it was in florida a kid was hit on you oh i had i had a kid i thought you meant like a boy was hit i was married with one my i probably didn't have my daughter yet we're down in like clearwater florida and some hot stripper looking girl comes up to me after the show once in a while you know when you'd work

with arty he'd bring you he'd bring you back out at the end right and every and you just wave right and this girl calls me to the front of the stage when i came out at the end and she just says to me so where are we going after this she just opens with that wow like her snatches and filled with the fucking bugs oh she was she was smoking though i couldn't that's what i mean yeah and she liked cock and she was very forward this is you're gonna laugh at what i actually did i actually i just turned around and walked through the curtain and went back back to the green room i was like i gotta get out of here like i didn't even enjoy you didn't i swear no you didn't i didn't even enjoy the flirtation i must have been in a good mindset in my marriage right then

i guess not like today where i'm fucking yelling at my wife all day then i would have taken an hour of fucking compliments from a hot girl. How about it done more than that? I'm just being honest. I mean, I'm just saying. What the fuck? Come on. Are you kidding me?

I mean, I've been with my wife 20 years. My old man walks by in a pair of fucking wet bathing suit. I get harder at this point. She had bugs. She had bugs. I never heard that one. She had bugs in her snatch. I just made that up. That's a good one.

Well, we used to call a snatch a bug in college. I picked that up at University of Maine. They used to go, how's your bug? To a girl that we, you know... How's your bug? That's what we called a vagina bug. How is it? Before I go down there, how's your bug? To a girl that we, you know. How's your bug? How's your bug? That's what we call the vagina bug. How is it? Before I go down there, how's the bug?

How's your onion? Big enough to make your eyes water, bitch. That's what I used to say. So what's the date again? It's the day before. Day before Valentine's. I picked that. I figured that was a good day to do a show local, like where I grew up.

Like the day before Valentine's. Valentine's has always been a good night for me well you're like a couple's you do material a lot of uh relationship stuff right yeah yeah i mean this could be your hook seriously i'm trying i like this idea i wish i was around like to after the show to go dance with some strange pussy you You'd enjoy this. I actually posted on social media, my Facebook and Twitter today. I don't have an opener. Go ahead. Tell me what you're going to say.

Did you do this too? No, you're going to laugh at what I almost did to you. Go ahead. I put it out there. I put your name on it. I put your name on the tweet, your Twitter handle,

saying I need an opener Some of you guys want to submit Submit me a video to my email Now why'd you put my name on there? People think that Now people are going to think you want me to open for you? No, no, no I put on there

I said tweet me some videos I said you need to have 15 minutes I said I don't want you to be fucking filthy Racial or Well this is what it said this is what the tweet said that i read okay okay yeah reread it it said uh i don't have it right in front of me but you said that you go i don't want to follow you said i'm going to do a nick de paulo's podcast and then you said i don't want to follow racial or cunt jokes i thought you were talking about my show i jump on my fucking text. Joe, I swear to God, I had it

half typed out. I go, hey, why don't you stay the fuck home? Holy shit. I thought you were saying that's all I do on my podcast. And I go to Andy, my wife. I read the tweet to her. I go, please tell me I'm reading this. She goes, of course you're reading it wrong. She's talking about he's trying to get a guy.

When I read tweets, I'm so on the defensive. I love it. I started to text you saying, don't come over here. Stay home. I was actually mad at you for one one-hundredth of a second until my wife talks some fucking nonsense. What did your wife say? She went, no. I go, he must be talking about, I go, oh, I get it. He needs somebody to open for him.

He doesn't want to follow filth. But the way you tweet read, you said, I'm on Nick's podcast. And then it said, I don't want to follow. It was two separate tweets, though, wasn't it? No, it was all at once. First, I tweeted something about needing an opener. And then I tweeted again saying what I would like in the opener. And then I said, send me your video.

I go, maybe I'll play some of it on Nick or Artie or my podcast. But one of your tweets said, you know, you said, send them quick, blah, blah, blah, because I'm doing Nick DiPaolo today and I don't want to follow racial blah, blah. So it sounded like you were talking about me. We got to read them. How funny is that? I swear that was in separate tweets. No. But let's make sure.

You want to read it? Yeah. All right. This will be exciting. Unless you can find it in under 30 seconds. It is funny when you're driving or not i think i was on the train but you're still like half paying attention and you could accidentally table focused you could totally focus no i mean me i could accidentally write it where you would interpret

or someone could interpret it a little hot on the mic yeah a little hot you come in a little hot on the mic. Am I? Yeah. A little hot. You're coming in a little hot. Anyways. All right. Let's see. Fans. Okay. I want to read them in order here. Don't read them all.

Just get the one I'm talking about that I overreacted. Well, there was a few of them. Here was one. Fans of the Fixing Joe podcast, please. Oh, no, no. That's not it. La la. Oh, shit.

We're way down. Okay. Go again. Oh, here. The last one you read says get them in fast i'm taping nick to paul's podcast today semi-clean will be best i'm not following racial and conchunks you're right it was in one yeah thank you it got confused yeah thank you see how you see but if you said how i'm if i had read the other ones yeah you would have known it there

were two there were two more before it i need to open the one before it says i need an opening act for my show on february 13th laughing that i overreact send the land i love it you know what's funny i'm so paranoid but i'm reading those things i'm driving to your house to do the podcast yeah move it move over a little get off the mic i'm driving to your house yeah and then i see that that's all right i'm driving to your house yeah and i tweet or i text to you saying that I'm running a little late. And I for sure, like I studied every word on that text because I said, if I say this wrong, Nick's going to say, fuck it, stay home. And it's funny, they almost said, fuck it, stay home because something else.

If I'm too late, I was so shocked to look on my screen when i was driving and you said no worries yeah i said when i've never seen nick say no worries yeah i'm gonna uh i'm gonna uh when you leave i'm gonna do another podcast later on today that's hard i gotta i gotta bank a few because i'm doing some shit next week in the city and i don't think i'm gonna have any time it's kind of crazy next week so uh you, and I don't think I'm going to have any time. It's kind of crazy next week. You should figure out a way that you could just bring that with you and do it in your downtime. If you're doing some acting gig, you're probably sitting somewhere.

No, but that's not what I do, Joe. I treat it like a radio show. I mean, I got to prepare. I got to fucking read three web pages before I do my show. But if you had your computer with you, you could read those. You can't do that. Look, what am I gonna carry A fucking board with me

And shit I don't have one of those Portable things And I don't wanna do that When I'm acting Or doing something You wanna focus on that Yeah I'm not like

A multitasking guy You know what I mean I know you can tap dance You do comedy And you're gonna have A freshman mixer After the show And you're gonna MC

A freshman mixer A freshman mixer A cotillion we we called them. Did you call them a cotillion? What is that? Our 10th grade dance was called a cotillion. Where did you grow up? In Florence?

Jersey. What's cotillion mean? I don't know. Is that Jewish, Italian? Cotillion? It was a Jewish high school. Maybe it's a Jewish word. I think so.

It might be Yiddish. Cotillion. Sounds like when you hit the lottery, you go, I want a million catillion dollars. Excuse me. Little things, I'm smart. Not like everybody says. Like, don't. I'm smart.

Mama-san. So, okay. Well, good. You got that plugged. Yes. So a couple people sent me tapes, and you want to feel like you're a good comedian? No, I don't have to look at shit. Just mention.

I just watched my opening act. One guy sends me a video. I swear to God, there's no video. It's just a black screen. Maybe it was a black comic he did in his basement. This is what he says. He goes, sometimes when I'm videotaping myself, I just throw my phone on the table. and he maybe it's a black comic he did in his basement this is what he says he goes sometimes when i'm videotaping myself i just throw my phone on the table i'm like well that's not a video then

if your phone is filming the fucking table that's the audio you ignorant fuck yeah that's who you're dealing with on the internet god bless the internet it gave voices to people who don't deserve to have voices hate to sound like a third world dictator, but the level of ignorance is fucking astounding. Do you know any funny comics from South Jersey or Philly? You grew up around there. I know, but I haven't lived there in 25 years. I know a couple from New Rochelle. Kid on New Rochelle, Joey Matariz.

He's been tearing it up. Who the fuck's from down there? There's a million of them. Get Bob Levy. That's what i meant by racial cunt jokes that's it's like it's like i was saying not you bob levy or gino biscante yeah it's like i wanted to say in a nice in in a nice way i'm looking for a clean girl you have a girl opener for you you like that because i'm married i don't have people get

not now i get this reputation it's so funny i haven't had when i'm around when i'm home and doing something local i'll call kendrick cunningham because she she fucking kills every time right she's from up there from up where boston originally okay but i met her down here but the point is when i go on the road, like in Chicago, whoever they throw in front of me, that's what I... Who'd you get? What, in Chicago? A couple of guys. I don't know who the fuck they were.

Young kid named Nate, and then there was another guy, his last name was Murphy, I want to say, at the Rosemont Zanies. But on the road, yeah, no. Because you know what it turns into? If I wanted to bring an opener and shit, what happens is then the openers call me, the guys I'm getting, or the girls, or whoever, and they go, what's the pay? What time? I go, hey, my agent's not going to do all that because they don't rep you.

Right. Have you as a manager, or get on the phone yourself and call the club. Call the club. You know what I mean? I'm not going to fucking do your footwork for you i'm doing you a favor and i'm gonna sweet in the pot i throw them a couple hundred more than they're getting paid a lot of the time but kendra cunningham yeah when i did uh the stress factory a couple years ago i didn't request her she happened to be that's who uh vinnie had hope uh opening for me. And she was hilarious. She's like this sarcastic kind of a Mae West type. Yeah, I remember you saying that.

Yeah. And so I use her. And she's like me. She likes to stay local. So, you know, I'll have her at the brokerage next week. I mean, February 26th and 27th. And she never does not do well. Did I say that right?

She does well all the time. And do you have one opener? Sometimes I'll just use her, have her do a half. Ideally, I'd like that. Just have her do 25, then I go up. It's too much. People get anxious. Right, Joey?

Yeah, and here's the thing with me putting out there that I'm looking for an Oprah, send me a video. Anyone who's good isn't sending me a video like someone who's good isn't gonna fucking do that is it gonna be like oh so here's my video like no one good would do that like i should just know somebody no exactly yeah and you gotta and and uh yeah it's it's gotta be a decent shit you don't want because if somebody goes up and stinks in front it you, it kind of taints the whole, even if you go up and do well and kill, it kind of taints the night.

Like, yeah, we had to sit through that mumble. I notice a lot of my audience comes in, like when I was at Zany's, they were out on the sidewalk waiting until I went on.

That's good. Not a lot. A couple handfuls who know me and people who go to comedy clubs on a regular basis. They just skip the openers? Sometimes. They don't even want to drink? but uh zany's man the the first the room downtown you've

done it right no the small room downtown i've done the small one downtown but not for a week i just taped a tv show there once what they did they had me do two shows on a thursday at the downtown room so the night i got there i had to do two shows. Right. And then Friday and Saturday, you can't see me, Friday and Saturday, Rosemont, which is a beautiful room. By O'Hare, it's 250 seats. And all three of those were sold out. And I mean sold the fuck. And I mentioned the podcast, and it got like a fucking,

I don't mean a smattering. It got a round of applause. Wow. And I was like, why didn't I make it more? No, I was surprised. It was such a great, let me tell you, Levity Live was awesome. That club is as nice as anything in the country,

in my opinion. Yeah. I fucking enjoyed Levity Live. And you know me, I'm not Joe Positive, but that whole weekend, that was fucking great. And then I go to Zany's, had just as good a time, two weekends in a row. You're going to be excited because you've been wanting a place to work out that's closer to your house.

Yonkers. Did you hear about that? Ha! Is that what it's called? Yeah. Yeah, that's opening at that nice rich show. In May or something? March.

I have a date there in March. I think it's opening. Oh, is it in March? Yeah. I think it's opening soon. I'm doing it in May, I think. That's a perfect place to go on a Wednesday to just try some shit out. Yeah, I hope I don't see you there.

I'm not ready to fucking keep that to yourself, will you? See, you got no savvy. You just announced to the whole fucking comedy world, you dope. They're all going to show up in Yonkers? Of course. It's fucking stage time. What do you think, we're the only two comics in Westchester? We kind of are.

We kind of are. Maybe you and Verzi. Oh, yeah, Verzi's up here. For kind of are. Maybe you and Verzi. Oh, yeah. Verzi's up here. I forgot about him. Who else? In Westchester? Verzi's a good fun guy.

There's not many in Westchester. Some in Rockland over the tap. I'll tell you who. I can name one. Robert Klein. Robert Kelly. Robert Klein is about eight minutes from here. Where does Robert Klein live?

He lives, I don't want to say the town, but not far from here. I didn't know that. Literally 10 minutes, not far from here. I didn't know that. Literally 10 minutes, 10, 15 minutes. I never knew that. We saw him going into a liquor store. And it's funny. I was reading an article in a paper a few years ago, and he mentioned some of the restaurants he likes in this area.

And he goes, there's a little hole in a wall like a strip mall. And I'm like, I won't say the name of the restaurant. But I said, you know, I go, Robert Klein grew up in the bronx he knows italian food all right so me and my wife go i go this plant this little shit it was fucking delicious really it was really fucking gonzalone what town's it i'm not gonna fucking say oh okay it's an italian place okay it's an italian i listened to shit like i remember here i heard richard gear on an interview somewhere and he's hey who knows better italian food but not Gere. But not Italian. He mentioned some fucking Asian-Japanese restaurant in the city.

I was like, this guy, he probably ate at the best of the best for so many years. He's going to know what he's talking about. I wrote it down. I still have it on my phone. He mentioned he ate at Diane Lane's. I wrote that down, too. He said he goes to the Diamond Diner in Cherry Hill. It's right on the...

The Diamond Diner? There used to be. That's where we used to go after the bars. It's not there anymore on the racetrack circle. How far was that away from... What was the gig in Cherry Hill? There was a comedy cabaret. No, at the hotel.

There was a comedy cabaret at a Hyatt. No, it wasn't. It was one of the chain clubs in New York. Oh, the Rascals. rascals rascals but that was the same there you go that was the same hotel they just made it into a rascals years after i did rascals down there cherry hill okay not to brag folks nice hotel gig and uh this is years ago and then i go on howard stern and uh we're talking about i'm talking about my weekend at Rascal. And then somebody calls in and goes, yeah, I'm a busboy. I'm a Hispanic.

And I asked Nick DiPaolo for an autograph after the show. And he said, get away from me, you greasy spick. Which I never did. Turns out Howard or Fred or somebody was playing a trick. But I had to deny. I'm on a radio show with five million people listening. I go, why would you fucking even say that? I think it was Stuttering John who did that. Pulled a trick on me. I go, why would you fucking even say that? I think it was Stuttering John who did that.

Pulled a trick on me. I go, why would you fucking even say that kiddingly? That's a great trick. It sounds like a phone call and everything. Yeah, it sounded like a phone call. The guy had me going. I'm going, I never said that to anybody ever. You're like, did I say that?

No, I didn't. Maybe I said that. I wouldn't fucking, I'm not like that. Maybe I had a, I mean, I was drunk and I said that. Maybe I got a bad burrito. I don't fucking, I'm not like that. Like, maybe I had a, I mean, I was drunk, and I said that. Maybe I got a bad burrito. I don't, but I was like, what the fuck? That's all I remember that gig, though. The original Rascals in West Orange was a beautiful,

had the best sound system of any club I had worked with. Do you remember the original Rascals? Oh, my God. West Orange? Yeah, that was a good one. The sound system, and it was a low ceiling, and a big, you know, a packed, it was a beautiful comedy club. Oh, yeah.

In the heyday. That was the spot. And it had great food upstairs at the restaurant. Yeah, I remember the little guy who used to be the manager. He had like a long blonde mullet. McKenna? Yes. Was that his first last name?

Last name. Danny McKenna? Danny McKenna? Something like that. Little blonde guy. He was classic. And everybody had blow, And everybody was coked up After the show upstairs

Let me buy you a drink Yeah yeah yeah That was I did that Rascals Comedy Hour That's the first thing I've ever seen Rascals Comedy Hour

They put that on like Local Access or something Yeah now it's all over YouTube You can watch Dice Kinison All those guys did it Back in the day That's right

I did too Yeah Loved it There's some sweet Fucking gigs How about the gig uh catch a rising star in princeton remember that one that used to be a great gig and then it just fell apart it's still there i think someone books it it's not i told you i call the manager his blonde girl i call her a cunt right in front of everybody good i forgot why she was yelling at me the manager was a woman i don't

yeah for one year and right in front of everybody i don't know why she was yelling at me i can't even remember why did you go along oh i do know why lewis black this is how new it was lewis black was headlining right and on a saturday night i was featuring so i featured for about eight months of my career this is one of them and uh the show uh like on friday night it was like eight and ten but on saturday it started at seven or whatever the fuck so i'm laying but but but i i either forgot or whatever or nobody told me i'm laying in my room and then i go downstairs around eight o'clock and i see lewis on stage already what a feeling that is and i'm going what the fuck and she tried to tell me that she came up and knocked on my door

it would have been weird if someone came up and went good set you had how about somebody like you thought you went on how about somebody coming up i go i in a hotel. You couldn't come up and bang on me. No, you didn't. I was watching TV. I wasn't sleeping. I was laying in my bed watching TV waiting for 8 o'clock to come. So she's fucking lying. So I fucking cursed her out.

Oh, my God. Right in front of fucking everybody. I go, you're fucking lying. And why didn't you call my fucking room? She didn't have an answer for that. So I must have pissed her off the first night with my material or something i don't know probably then again but uh you know the pit in my stomach when i came downstairs and saw lewis and he was great about it fucking lewis loved me and said no i don't worry i go dude i've never i've never been late in my life to a gig driving to

one of flying to one never mind being in the whole i'm in the same hotel the stage is downstairs right and nobody could nobody could have come up i would have pissed me off yeah nobody came up and banged on the fucking i'm laying on my bed oh all dressed i remember and then they dock you money i forget no they didn't dock you i don't think they would have i i can't remember maybe they did but i i got into it with her and you know what then i was friends with her later on i think she knew she was wrong. Really? That club always had fucking... She's a Polish chick, blonde, good looking.

That club, for me, always had dickhead managers. Like, I got banned from that. Yeah, I think that's the point of the story right there. There was another guy that came in after that, and he banned me from the club once. He would like... For what? He would sit like 10 feet from the stage. Not sit, he would just stand. There was like a beam right in front of like 10 feet from the stage. Not sit.

He would just stand. There was like a beam right in front of you. You're on stage. And he would lean on the beam with his arms crossed, just staring at you. I'm like, can you get the fuck out of here? You know what? That actually sounds familiar now that you say that. Yeah.

I hate when the manager of the owners used to... Just get out of here, dude. Yeah. I'm like, there's almost as worse as clubs that put the mirror straight across and i got to look at myself performing for fucking 45 minutes i don't want to look at me i know i know i used to say that i go oh i just saw myself i got look like fucking barafuco doing i go oh no wonder why oh and uh i used to have a i think you know back before my meds i would definitely snap but that was a club. And I used to have a, I think, you know, back before my meds, I would definitely snap.

But that was a club. You know what used to piss me off? When it got to a level where you were working at this night, it was a nice Hyatt. It was like a higher end Hyatt. Absolutely. They would put you up at the Red Roof Inn down the street. And I used to get, I think I used to get so mad at that. No.

Yeah. You were probably out of the. Out of the Red Roof Inn. Yeah. You were not doing the club at that. No. Yeah, you were probably out of the Red River. Yeah, you were not doing the club at that point. That's what I'm saying. I was fucking right. I was right in the hotel at the Hyatt. Yeah.

The room was fucking on like a third floor. Nobody banged on my. Nobody could come up and bang on the door going, where's the fucking, where are you? Right. I mean, it infuriated me because she was lying. She was lying, Joe. Speaking of meds, you bring up something. You know, my sleep problems have been well documented on this show.

And it's not falling asleep that's my problem. It's waking up three hours later every night or four hours later. And I mentioned this to Pat Milligan. Patrick, yeah, he's on the same meds I'm on. Yeah, exactly. So he says to me he goes dude that's anxiety and i said i know you're right because i fall asleep it's something's bothering me from the inside out that's waking me and he goes so he told me he goes yeah i'm on the same

shit that uh madarisa's i go i don't want to be a zombie like madarisa what uh what what is it joe what are you taking selexa i think that's what he takes selexa now uh he gave me he said yeah either you told me or he told me or you both told me the side effects you like have diarrhea when you're uh at work and uh can't get it up before you jerk off on planes yeah you jerk off on planes what what no what's the what's the side effects it took you no you said you had crazy dreams i said that you look like brian cranson this you made a face you look just like walter you look like walter fucking really oh that's creepy when i first started them you have that like that goes away what it but but but it made you sleep it gave you crazy dreams yeah that means you're sleeping deep right yeah so it takes a while look i went on what was the

one everybody was doing uh around around the year 2000 zoloft what was the one that was prozac's the the original no not prozac this is the shit it's sort of commercials all the time zolexa zoloft zoloft is one so i think it was zoloft. There was another one with an X in it. But I tried it for a summer. I should say summer. For about a month in the summer. Because I was this high-strung maniac. I'm better now because I'm older.

But I had to try something. And it made me like a zombie. I didn't like it. I walked around. I want to say Zoloft. Zoloft. I've yet to hear somebody not say anything negative about that drug. Everybody hated it? Everyone I know that's ever been on it usually can't have an erection.

They can't get hard. No, then that wasn't the one. Oh, no, no. It gave you an erection and diarrhea. That was my joke on stage. I'm sitting in the toilet with a fucking erection and shitting. What good is that? Unless you were the German broad making a movie that was a doozy or they also would say that you you you

just couldn't come like you could just fuck but you didn't it didn't feel like a problem i like to please my girls i mean my wife but it didn't feel good to you like the sex just you didn't have an emotional connection to your sex so you didn't feel good to you. Like, the sex just, you didn't have an emotional connection to your sex, so you didn't feel good. You weren't enjoying it. I've never had an emotional connection to sex in my life. That's a problem for guys? What, are we turning into fucking fags here? He's a fag.

I mean, that's how I like it, emotionless. I almost like, I like it the way Cosby liked it, pretty much. Speaking of, No emotions during sex So okay it gave you crazy dreams Overeating is a side effect too You gotta get used to It makes you hungry? Not hungry but you know that

You're in a trance you don't realize you're still eating My anxiety is what would make me worry Like if I ate like a fucking 10 Oreos or something, my anxiety would go, what do you do? You know, don't eat that. That's not good for you. Like literally that voice in my head would make me not eat it. But that voice is gone now. Like I used to do jokes about it.

Like that guy's in a headlock in your fucking brain. So that's your. There's a new guy running your brain who's like, you want those? They're delicious. Seriously, seriously is it it's that um there's that much of a change you can um it well you learn you know what you learn though you learn how to adjust it just takes some time at first you notice you'll be going to mcdonald's like you'll have a fucking instinct you'll be driving down the road you'll see mcdonald's and you'll just fucking pull in the drive-thru you're you're like this is delicious i'm eating it i'm like weed yeah really a little bit okay so so oh it takes away your inhibitions for certain things if i see a chick yeah yeah if

i see a 22 year old i'm gonna tackle her on the sidewalk nobody's gonna stop me no my horniness definitely went down i wasn't jerking off as much i used to be really horny a lot that's what i said for a married guy it's the equalizer it makes it fine like i don't need i used to want how to interpret i used to want a ton of sex from my wife and she just you know who can blame you you know and then now it just it minimized it so it's like it's perfect her and i are on the same sexual level now but what's it do um Look I rely on being quick and funny Off the cuff on stage But you know

How does it affect Do you You don't walk around In a little bit of zombie state There's no zombie But you sleep Did you notice your sleep was better I never had a problem sleeping

Okay My wife used to complain I'm a restless sleeper My legs Fucking Restless leg syndrome I had the leg thing Yeah my wife used to complain i'm a restless sleeper my legs with fucking restless leg syndrome i had the leg thing yeah my wife used to yeah and i just move around a lot rip the covers are just fucking on the ground that's like my wife she's like fucking ribbit dance it's three in the morning she's doing ribbit dance in my bed i wake up she's standing over me like fucking uh denaro and fucking goodfellas stomping Billy Bats' face.

That wasn't my special action. I had a bit of that. She used to kick the covers off and shit. Yeah, that's me. She was hoping that the meds would make that kind of go away. That still exists. So, Joe, but what's it do? It's an anti-anxiety medicine, right?

Yeah. So it takes you, it mellows you a little, right? Yeah. Is that the overall? Well, I would yell and get really mad. We would get in some fights or I would scare her because I would get really fucking loud when I would snap. Yeah, I can't relate to that.

Yeah. What are you kidding me? This sounds like it was made for me. I've been saying that since I've known you. I'm afraid to try it i thought when you called me that you called me one day or you texted me one day and said is does it change your sleep and i'm like oh he's on it no one asked that unless he's on it but you're not on it milligan told me that what's it called selexa selexa yeah milligan told me and when he said

he was really the first one to say that i said i go to i fall asleep fine but i wake up sometimes two hours later or three and i'm and he goes dude i had the same thing and it stopped for him that's what he said there you go so i don't know it's maybe it's different for everybody just try i i i always say just try it my wife came to me recently and said i think i might need meds and i'm like that's hilarious because i listen to you tell me that i need meds she needs meds because she's yelling at her kids all the time she's real high strong with being a mom like there's times where she literally is like just get her away from me she has to like i have to grab i'm always analyzing joe's wife now that's a tip but that's a typical reaction for somebody like joe's wife

who's a new age mom dr tight what does she do it's a psychologist at uh columbia yeah and and and psychologists today that's their first remedy for everything there's nothing wrong with yelling at your kids if they're fucking bugging you well my wife she's a busy woman my wife's mom's on selexa oh my god fuck did you married into the manson clan they're a busy woman my wife's mom's on celexa oh my god fuck did you married into the manson clan they're all and my wife's mother's mother who lived to 96 went on meds in her like mid 80s went on them and then became more normal and was like a lunatic before that that makes sense yeah in your 80s because you know the end is nate i'd want to be fucked up yeah well i think i'd be doing heroin when i hit my fucking late 60s my grandmom's 97 they put her on an antidepressant

because they just they those italian grandmoms no not not even italian everybody i know my parents for instance and and and my my friends in high school their parents are all now in their late 70s and and and my my uncle bob who never had never had, they're all on antidepressants. Yeah. Because you know it's fucking, it's depressing to be 50 fucking four in a couple weeks. Yeah. You know what I mean? Can you imagine being in your 70s and you know the fucking end is around the corner?

By the way. I'm sorry. I have the weirdest. For Christ's sake, Joe. I'm trying to. Yeah. What was that? A French horn?

Doesn't that sound like what you hear at a Minnesota Vikings game? Yeah, they just... It's like the fucking Vikings just scored. I was about to say something actually on a sad note, but it connects with what we're talking about. But tell your wife, just because she snaps at her kids when they're being annoying,

not to drug herself up. No. I was afraid... You know No. I was afraid. You know, I was afraid to let her go on the mat. I think it would help her because she gets in. She's your wife. I don't know how your wife is. But when I get in a fight with my wife.

Yeah. It takes like two days to make up like she holds the fucking anger and the mad for so long. She does. Yeah. Can you make up fast for your wife? It's what prostitutes are for. I go down the street and I go, hey,

22-year-old Filipino, has her herpes clit up? I just had a real fucking doozy with my wife. Tell her to get in here and lick my sack. This might be the funniest one we've ever done together. You're really cracking me up on this one. Here's why I have you on the show, though. You have shit to talk.

Joe brings, look, you know, Joe's like a good guy, funny comic, and you have unique, your marriage is unique. You're fascinated by it. I am. I like the, you know, but you always have something to talk about. Something just happened to you, always. You should just have me on once a week. I can't do that the... But you always have something to talk about. Something just happened to you always. You should just have me on once a week. I can't do that. You're not that good.

Once a week. You know what I was thinking? Tell me... I don't like it already. Go ahead. This is a total different subject. Changing the subject? I was in the city today.

I had a meeting with this company that places ads on podcasts. One of the bigger companies. Podcast One. It's not Podcast One. But it's one of them. It's one of the bigger companies. Podcast One. It's not Podcast One. But it's one of them. It's one of those on that level. Okay. And I started thinking after I left it,

because a lot of these guys, they want to do these, I guess they call them, what's it called? Ad revenue type ads? Yeah. Where if you sell, you get paid, that kind of thing. You get a percentage of what you mention. If it actually works and they go buy it, get a you get a you mean like live reads like i get every once in a while with riot but not but but live reads you get paid just a flat rate those are different

as opposed to i'm saying this is more like you know how people oh the oh depending on like how much they sell of the product you get a cut cut of that? Yeah. Like the back end? I don't know if it's actually... Maybe it's just if they contact them, you get an amount. I don't know if it's a percentage or if it's just if they click on it and go to the company and try to buy something, you get paid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that.

With Amazon, it's if they go to Amazon. A lot of these guys now put the Amazon banner on their website. And if people buy something, you get 5% of the purchase, something like that. So this company was talking to me about all the different advertisers. And I started thinking, like, this is crazy. I remember a comedian doing a joke about it's going to get to the point where athletes are fucking yelling products while they're yelling the signs like the quarterback. Someone has a bit about that. I don't know who it is.

But I started thinking like how many people were on stage in front of how many podcasts I'm doing. I'm like, if I have an advertising company that's got a banner on my website and they they're paying me to talk about them on my podcast. Why can't i fucking bring it up when i'm on all everybody's podcast it's like when they say what are your plugs i'm like joe manor is i'll be a blah blah blah and you know what go buy a coffee something something something it's great you know okay when you do it everywhere you went well then the the people listening would would have to it has to be a code saying i heard joe you know you could say it really and the code is fixing joe and you know. You could say it really.

And the code is fixing Joe. And you throw it on at the end. Why couldn't you? You're on, you're doing stand up at a club. You could mention it in your fucking set when you're closing. This is too Jewish for me. I can't. I'm a done.

I am marketing wise. I can't fucking, I went to school for it and ended up fucking. That's what I've been taught. I've been talking about this on my podcast for like a week now. Because I have one of those video companies interested in me going over there where you do the podcast and a video version of it. And you get paid per episode over there. And you get a piece of their. Over where?

I can't say. I don't want to say. Israel. No. I'm serious. I did a show. You did a podcast in Israel? Yeah. I i gotta give mike baker credit my web guy he had me doing a fucking televised like i don't know what you call it it was it wasn't called a podcast this was 10 years

ago it was a company in israel and i was getting like 750 a show or some shit and i would be talking into my you know into the computer with my headset on. I remember when you did that. And it was playing just in Israel? Or it was also in Israel? No, I don't know where it played. It was for Israelis. It had to be everywhere.

I forget. No, the company was in Israel. I don't know where it was playing. Oh, okay. $750 a pop? Yeah. I mean, it was crazy. And I did a couple a month of some shit.

It was funny, you know. But anyways, whatever. The whole business is in flux. This business model, this podcast thing is still brand new. Yeah. There's 19 different ways, you know. Well, that's where it's hard. It's hard for the performer because you're like, how do I know which way is the most profitable way?

But everybody's like, are you going to put a video camera in there? Go watch TV if that's what you want. fuck it's the beauty of a podcast like i'm down here in my fucking underwear why do you want to watch me talk into a microphone what i don't fucking get that only makes sense if if you have a million dollars of equipment like yes if you can cut the video screens and that's what i'm saying you have a guest they think we're all billionaires fucking anthony comey was doing radio for fucking 30 years and he has a ton of money. There is a way to do that on low end. I don't want to do it low end because then you look like a dick.

I mean, you can do it where you don't have to spend what he spent and it'll look almost the same. And for you guys listening right now, don't fucking tweet me with 9,000 different suggestions. Hey, you can pick up a fucking monitor and plug it into your toaster oven. I don't want to fucking hear it. I like what I'm doing. I love the radio. That's why I fucking loved it. Right now, as I'm talking,

I have a cat under my desk licking my nuts. You guys don't know that. I'm getting two for the price horn. Plus, I think listeners get annoyed when we start talking about this shit. They hate that. I'm glad you brought it up. No, they don't. I don't want to continue.

The business of podcasting is they don't give a shit. So have you bought a new couch lately? I wanted to talk more about my wife and holding anger. What the hell? I was going to ask you about your wife. She blows up. I know what it is. It just came to my head. I don ask you about your wife? She blows up. I know what it is. I,

this just came to my head. I don't know if your wife is like this, but I noticed, I love it. Cause it's always the best shit to talk about on a podcast or what my wife tells me not to talk about on a podcast. I'm about to talk about what she said. Don't talk about,

but she said, don't talk about it on my podcast. She didn't say, don't tell it on Nick's. Yeah. Whole different audience. Yeah. So like we're

to a dying i notice whenever i stand up for my wife but in a in a loud way it it fucking we're in a three-day argument and like today if you stand up for her if i like yeah if like if i stand up to her if she i think she's out of line and i fucking yell at her yeah like it like how like some guys are like you know you can't let a woman push you around. Whenever I fucking do that. Yeah. I'm in a fucking five day fucking war. That's because she was a spoiled brat.

She was raised a spoiled little brat. You think? I fucking know. Look, I've been in a million relationships. I didn't get married until I was 41. I have eight different types of women. And the ones that can't handle being fucking raising your voice. I love that, oh, you're verbally abusive.

Oh, now getting in an argument. You just called me a fucking asshole. I called you a fucking asshole back. I'm verbally abusive. Don't you like how they take the far-left feminist horse shit and try to apply it to you? That's verbally. You just called me a dick, and I told you to shut the fuck up.

I'm treating you like an equal. You can't have it both ways. Well, she needed't happen often she needed me to watch my uh if the cops my daughter this morning from 8 to uh 9 30 because she had to go up and lock herself in a room and do uh this skype meeting for her job she works from home on fridays okay and my daughter doesn't have daycare on friday okay i'm with i'm with her so far on the air you'll probably be on her side so it's dude it's 7 58 and i'm in my bedroom the plan was joe get showered and get dressed because you have your meeting that you have to get on a train and go into the city at 10 so do that now so i can go do my thing from 8 to 9 30 you'll be ready and then you can just fucking run out the door and go to the train station. Sounds like a stressful fucking morning.

It was. Go ahead. 7.58, I realized I fucking missed half of my beard when I was clipping it to make it a little shorter. So I start, I pull out the fucking clipper again and I start hitting it. And she thinks I just started shaving. She doesn't know I already shaved once. This is classic marriage bullshit. Yeah, she just started shaving. She doesn't know I already shaved once. This is classic marriage bullshit. Yeah, she just comes in.

It's 7.58. Jesus fucking, what are you doing? You're always late. It's going to affect me. And I just went, shut up. Would you shut up? Like that. Not even to her face, like from the other room.

And that bothered her? Two-day fucking war, I know. And we're supposed to go to a party tonight. It's always on nights we actually have a babysitter we're not going out we are still going out but it's not going to be fun because she's going to hold the anger have the kids come over here i'll make them a nice fucking uh squid salad do you ever get in a fight with your wife and it's like on your way to an expensive restaurant you literally do you ever when that's the only time I do get to fight. I've ruined more fucking evenings.

We drove up to Westchester, some restaurant that was in every magazine up here, some fucking beautiful restaurant. The picture of the magazine is sun setting. It's got a porch on it. My wife's been talking about it for two years. We get into the fucking restaurant. It was one of our birthdays.

Fucking next thing you know, she says something i snap back i don't fucking in the restaurant in the restaurant i go shut the fuck up you shut the fuck up in the rest oh yeah oh my god and here's the thing it's only us and another couple we got there early and the waiters and waitresses are like yeah i fucking we get up we go to we got our coats and fucking stormed out wow that restaurant we had been talking about for two years i don't know what i can't remember for the life of me she'll tell you right now what it was got our coats and fucking stormed out wow that restaurant we've been talking about for two years i don't know what i can't remember for the life of me she'll tell you right now what it was about

see i'd rather have that happen i'm a cheap fuck i hate when you scream and then you paid for 225 dollars for a meal and you're like fucking didn't even enjoy it yeah we didn't even get to the i don't even think we'd get to the fucking appetizers it got real ugly just throw money on the table and walk out the door and that's no we didn't eat nothing yet not even the bread and a drink they came over and i think they took our drink orders and then all hell broke loose well that's a nice ride home huh i'm fucking going i'm gonna floor this right into one of these lakes up here they'll find us both you saved yourself 200 bucks that That was genius. Yeah. It's, you know, this is us in the morning. That was us in the restaurant waiting for our fucking appetizers. I was at a diner once.

This was one of those diners. You ever been in one of these where they have like a glass partition in between each booth? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. That's an old school diner, right? Yeah. Keeps the Ebola out of you, shall I? Husband and wife get in a fight.

The guy throws a glass at his wife. She ducks. Hits the glass. Hits the glass fucking partition. I was like, wow. Of course, that's Jersey. Jersey. Bam.

I was like, whoa. That was fucking great. Yeah. My wife doesn't explode often. Look, I'm the one with the fucking, obviously, the short fuse. But she's Irish and Italian. And when she goes off, I mean, she'll contain it for months. But when she goes off, she breaks shit.

French doors. She'll slam the French doors. The glass all broke out of it. And I'm going, now fucking. It was like, you know what? It was almost like a godfather. I'm cleaning up. She breaks.

Why would you break shit? I said, you're going to fucking it was like uh you know what it was almost like a godfather cleaning up your she breaks like why would you break shit you're i said you're gonna fix it i was trying you're gonna have to be online ordering the fucking shit and the new door knob i'm not doing that there was i was this that happened this morning and i wanted to write it in my phone as she smashed something no as a premise the premise was how come i didn't write it down how come when women get mad they have to make it obvious in the way they walk and the way they slam the like there's noise on the the upper level of our house like if a guy's mad i'm not like boom boom banging my feet when i walk slamming doors i'm just you know i'm innerly just going what a fuck oh i do i put on what a fucking cunt i'm saying it in my head i put a pair of pumps on and i go up to the third floor And I stomp around like a fat chick

At a fucking deli That's one of my favorite jokes of yours That you pulled a muscle giving the finger behind your wife's back That's a true story I was giving my wife's a finger in the kitchen She went into the other room I'm going like this with my right hand And I get a cramp in my fucking neck

Like a bulge I was dehydrated or some shit That's a true story Everybody requests that fucking joke. I can tell it's true. Because every guy can relate to just how mad we get, but I can't let it out. Yeah, I have no problem letting it out. I fucking...

I remember flying a girl up to Montreal. I was doing the comedy works. I had met her like four days before at some gig. She fucked me right after the gig. I got up Thursday night. You want to come to Montreal with me? I get up there. How do you even know each other?

And then there's a waitress in Montreal who I had banged a few times. Really cute. She starts talking to me. And this new girl that I bring up there senses that I had banged. She said I was ignoring her. I looked at this girl twice, this waitress in Montreal. I said like four words to her. And she goes, you're not paying any attention to me.

This chick turned out to be a fucking psycho. Next thing you know, she's on a plane back to fucking Boston. That's why we get married. I know. You can only have shit like that. You hit a point where you're like, I'm done with this. Yeah, exactly. My wife got mad.

You know what? I miss it. I said this on stage the other night. This is how married I am. I actually miss getting chlamydia. I used to fucking get it twice a month. I miss it. I mean, come on.

I actually said that to the guy who married my wife and I. He wanted to have a meeting with us. What, a priest? He wasn't in a church, but he was like an ex-priest, like kind of your hippie type dude. Where'd you meet him? Like at Arby's? I think my wife found him online somewhere.

I don't remember where she found this guy. And we literally went to some restaurant and met him, and he said, why do you want to marry your wife? And I actually said, because she's so much better than all the other women that I've been with. That's a good answer. She got mad at me. women that I've been with. That's a good answer. She got mad at me. She didn't like that answer.

Yeah, that's why women suck. Yeah. Really? That's not the perfect answer? But that, like the... Boy, Stephanie sounds like a tough one, huh? Oh, my God, dude. My friend has the best observation of my wife.

This is what he calls her. High maintenance, low maintenance. That's his nickname for her. Well, where's the low? I hear the high. Where's the low coming? Well, you met her well where's the low i hear the high where's the low coming well you met her she's a sweetheart she's seen if you from well to me but where's the low maintenance um she yeah she has some low a lot of low maintenance i'm always complimenting joe's wife she's a really good looking woman she's a psychologist i'm just saying no she's my wife she's a sweetheart she's an amazing mom she's not psychologist. I'm just saying. No, she's... Sample my wife. She's a sweetheart. She's an amazing mom.

She's not some crazy girl that you wouldn't want to raise kids with or like... Right. If you go have... She's never... She doesn't raise her voice. She doesn't snap at me.

She's not... I love that scene in Diner where... I love Diner. It has some great fucking moments, but there's a moment in that movie where Daniel Stern, I think, asked Gutenberg, or, you know, why you're marrying her.

Yeah. And Gutenberg goes, yeah, she's not a ball breaker. That's like his reason. That's like what I was saying to the priest. You know, she's a... Because I had so many psychos before. Do you think that's why you said that? Because of the movie?

If you didn't see the movie, would you have answered that? No, but I meant I had a crazy girlfriend for eight years that i'm still friends with this day who well i shouldn't say i won't say who but she called me recently and told me we're still friends she told me she started taking meds and i was like she's like you think they're right i go you needed to be on meds for the last 30. I can't believe it took you this long to get here. But thank God you're on meds. She was fucking losing it. She used to get crazy.

Well, yeah. I do. Back to the meds. Yeah, it's a sleeping thing, man. You know? Last night, same thing. Woke up. I know we go from marriage and relationships to sleep again, but you brought up the meds. Yeah, it's a sleeping thing, man. You know? Last night, same thing. Woke up. I know we go from marriage and relationships to sleep again, but you brought up the meds.

Woke up at fucking 10 or 7 this morning. Couldn't get back. What time did you go to sleep? About 5 or 2. Oh, you went late. Okay. That's normal for me every night. Right, right.

You got young comic schedule. I got off it, though. About a year ago, I got off it. It was going to have been like at a decent right. You got young comic schedule. I got off it, though. About a year ago, I got off it. It was going to be like at a decent hour. You know what I mean? Like fucking 12, 31 o'clock.

Oh, yeah. And that's decent for a comic. Dude, my wife goes to bed at 9.30. I know, because she's got... It bothers me. You know what? She's a mom.

You're a dad, but I'm saying she's a mom and she's got a real job with bosses and shit, right? Yeah. Yeah. But still, she gets up at 7. Isn't eight hours fine

go to bed at 11 why you gotta go to bed at 9 30 we can't watch tv in bed like a fucking couple from the 50s that's what i want they have separate beds you know joe and stephanie like the van dykes probably joe comes home from a fucking funny bone done trips over the fucking sofa just like the van dykes i have the opposite i don't even have a king size bed You probably do I have a queen size bed Which I hate I got bunk beds

I got that and a soda machine Bunk beds You got a popcorn maker That's how much we fuck I have a ladder going up to the top of my bed When I come up here and blow me You stay down there in your fucking bunker I love that you can overlap them.

I'm working this thing like a... It's amazing. I think my real hero is Fred Norris. Oh, my God. What else is going on? I got Trump, some speech from Trump. I'm just saying that. I'm kidding.

I don't think he's Hitler, but all the lefty douchebags do. So I like to fucking, I like to oblige him with that type of poopoo. What else? I don't know. Let's know the sports. We got the games this weekend. I got New Haven tomorrow night. Sports Haven and New Haven, Connecticut.

Yeah, the weather's coming up the fucking coast. Whatever. When they start talking a week before the storm about it, I'm like, okay, here's the ratings ploy for the local news. People tune in every... People have been running this store. I swear to God, Home Depot and fucking Sam Champion, they get together. Oh, I wanted to tell you. They work.

Right. Because I bought a snowblower. I never owned one before. I know. Four days ago, I bought one. I know. I'm on the phone with Joe, and he's going, I'm buying a snowblower. Oh, yeah.

That's right. I was in my car. I was in the store. Dude, I was having a Nick DiPaolo moment. I almost fucking yelled in the store. I'm getting better with that, by the way. You are? Yeah yeah i just go break shit in the store i'll go to some aisle when nobody's looking i'm the old you you would have snapped at this the guy gives me the floor model i wheel it up to the fucking counter because i gotta go get to my house and a wheel falls off

it no my son's waiting for me on the front it's like fucking 12 degrees outside yeah i gotta get home for the bus at 3 30 i'm just standing there there's no screw number on the fucking the floor model the guy's fucking hitting that red light all over it nothing nothing nothing he's got that scanner thing yeah it's like a guy from saudi arabia trying to get through security at laguade yeah i get the i'm fucking standing there for i swear to god 15 20 minutes i'm like what the fuck i go, I got to leave. I had to leave the snowblower and go get my son. I'm in the Bronx because they said online that they had them in stock, which they didn't. I had to buy the floor model. And go fucking all the way back to the store in the Bronx, which isn't even where I live, and buy it with my son.

It was fucking. You had to leave and then come back. Yeah, because they couldn't fucking charge me. was you had to leave and i left back yeah because they could tell the guy you were coming back yeah i'll be back because i'm fucking i wanted that snowblower bad but i'm a cheap fuck i bought one that is not gonna have enough power i'm gonna have to snowblow like three times if we get a foot snowblow do you have one oh you have a you got such a big i have guatemalan team come on i told you say you have a big... I have a Guatemalan team come out. I told you. I was going to say, you have a big driveway. You can begin to snow.

Oh, I could never do that. We have... Look, I live in this neighborhood. I still haven't figured out. It's called an association. I don't know if it's officially an association. What makes a neighborhood an association? Do they have a company that does the properties when it snows?

Well, we find... No, we find a private person to do that. But yeah, but we all chip in money-wise. Oh, you chip in? And my wife, thank God, she's the organizer. Do they do your walk or just the drive? They do it because we organize it and we get them all the business. Oh, they hook you up and they do everything.

They shovel. I'm laying there in my underwear in the living room. They're watching TV two in the morning, forgetting that it's snowing out. They come out if it's four inches or more. So I'm sitting, I'll sit down here. It's two in the morning and there's a couple like Latino kids shoveling my steps. What happens if it's three inches? They're just, you have to do it yourself?

Fucking three inches. I'm not going to shovel that. The fuck? What are you, got midgets coming to your house? There's a scene in one of my web series episodes that that just reminded me of what fixing joe and i have yeah i have movers coming over dante nero plays one of the movers oh my god and they're and i'm just like eating a fucking sandwich pointing the movers different rooms with music like there's

music playing under and i because i think that the narration is something like there's nothing i enjoy better than watching other people work hard are you i love fuck are you do you do still do fix and joe or no no it's done there's 13 eps on online 13 yeah guys should check it out it's actually funny and i'm not just saying that it's up your angry alley well it's a if you're interested in trying selexa watch the first three episodes Because it's all about starting the mints. And all the weird shit you're going to go through. Milligan convinced me when he said, dude, I had the exact same thing. It's anxiety. And he's right.

Because every time I have something coming up big, which is almost all the time, not big, medium range, let's say. Any time I get something weighing on my mind, and so, Celexa, and somebody gave me, Mike Fiona gave me a joint the other night.

Oh, you told me about the joint story last night. No, I ate the fucking edible pot. So I would think you would never try pot ever again. Yeah, but that was edible, which is 90 times stronger. Yeah. And, like I said,

back in the day, you know in early 90s i remember joints making me very sleepy so i can see what they're talking but also i've heard the weed is way strong enough did you try the weed not yet it's sitting there my wife fucking laughed her boss she goes what the fuck is this she started laughing i had it on the script upstairs on the table well they say there's a kind of pot that makes you feel not anxious and there's a kind that can make you anxious. Did he give you the right kind? I don't know.

He got it from a Negro. It's not medically. That was a line from Caddyshack, by the way, folks. Don't fucking write in. You can't write it. It's not from a medical, like, where you can just buy it legally from, like, a doctor or something? I don't know if Fiona got it. I don't know.

He goes, dude, it's just. But a couple people said, just. And then, you know, tweets, people online, a couple hit you, and, you know, I ate half a brownie like I was fucking Mickey Dolenz. What? Here's the thing with the meds. It's not going to make you not quick on stage, but when you.

How about when I pick up a weight, just going to get it up? But when you, when you get mad and then you feel, when you get really mad at something on stage, that won't happen anymore. Jesus Christ, I'm fucked. What are you trying to change me into Jeff Dunham? No, you're still going to have mean edgy jokes. But if someone's fucking on their phone to the right, you're not going to fucking launch and ruin your whole set. I don't.

It's funny. Because that's what I used to do. This drug should be called Nick the Poloesta. the fuck that sounds perfect for me yeah well i was i was on the level of you but i know you said you were worse from what i hear yeah now dude now i'll literally be looking out the right the corner of my right eye and i'm watching somebody fully updating their facebook page while i'm performing yeah and go, just look to the left. Don't look at them. And I just look over at the people that are watching.

I've trained myself to do that now. Literally, it's taken fucking, you know. But Joe was a maniac because I remember I was at the stand and the girl's literally just sucking on a straw, like a little bit of soda out of the glass. And Joe hears it and goes. Remember? She started crying and you were laughing all right let's wrap it up because i gotta put a couple more of these in the can yeah you gotta do it but uh so again what is it february what joe february 13th day before valentine's day the ritz

theater in hatton township new jersey all they have to do is go to joematterese.com and then 13th, day before Valentine's Day, the Ritz Theater in Haddon Township, New Jersey. All they have to do is go to joematterese.com and then you can buy the tickets. The link's on there. Please come. I'm trying to fill this fucker. Yeah, and Joe's funny. I'll vouch for him. And he's a good comic and a fucking great guy, too. And if you know an opener

in the South Jersey, Philly area that can do 20 minutes, it's good. Not some idiot who's going to send me a video of a fucking table. Send it to mattery67 at gmail.com. There you go. Come see me at the Sports Haven, New Haven, Connecticut.

You know what? That's stupid for me to say that because when you guys hear this show, I will have already done the gig. So come see me at my house. My wife will be outside crying in the gig. So come see me in my house. My wife will be outside crying in the driveway. I'll be laying on the couch

with some dirty underwear. Come see me at the Music Hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. That's with a few other Boston comics. Mike McDonald. It's the comedy extravaganza.

And the brokerage on February 26th and 27th, Bananas, Hasbro, Heights, New Jersey, March 11th and 12th, and that's enough for now,

right kids, good talking to you, and I'll talk to you later on this week, hopefully, if I, you know, behave like I'm supposed to, that's about it,

take care of yourselves. Good night, until we meet again, adios, supposed to um that's about it take care of yourselves guitar solo Outro Music