The Nick DiPaolo Show - 120 - Stupor Bowl Fiddy, NH Debates, Halftime Horseshit

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

Stupor Bowl Fiddy, NH Debates, Halftime Horseshit

You're listening to us look forward to besides us arguing and wanting to kill you. First of all, even the fact that you used the word lovers at the beginning of that is one of my least favorite words of all time. Like when people used to introduce, now they say partner or whatever. When people used to say, this is my lover, I want it to fucking die. This is my lover, Jennifer. I'm like, so...

So basically saying like, yeah, we're having sex. We have sex. She's my lover. They used to say that back in the day. They don't say it anymore, but I still hate that word.

That's the commercial you want? Yeah. Serious? All right. Misery Loves Company with Kevin Brennan and Lenny Marcus. Ryancast.com.

No loving. No loving. Ryancast.com and No loving. No loving. Ryancast.com and iTunes. Somebody help me. Hello, kids. How are you? That's right, it's Monday, Nick DiPaolo podcast. How was your weekend? Did you watch the stupid Super Bowl and the stupid halftime show and the fucking stupid telecast? Why do you get a curse so much?

I don't know. Just stunk. Everything good in America is bad now. It stinks. I'll get to that in a few minutes. A lot to get to. Obviously, the first thing I do is thank my contributors and uh dave harris stepping up to the plate again davy boy thank you so much jeff sheldon thanks and uh valerie burton

also a very nice contribution thank you guys and everybody who contributes and everybody who subscribes to the show i thank you very much someday i'll uh not have to leave the house maybe i'll leave like four times a month do to do live shows and then do this the rest of the time that's the goal maybe and sell a little weed and oxycontin shit like that you know just be a good american hey if you're in the new hampshire area or maine and maybe you will be who knows you're up there uh for the debate and whatnot uh you know the big primaries tomorrow new hampshire but i'll be up

there uh this friday night february 12th eight o'clock the music hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, for the 15th annual Comedy Extravaganza. It goes to a good cause. Propane, oil, and heat and whatnot donations. A portion of the proceeds goes to that. Not sure of the exact proceeds. But Mike McDonald, very funny guy. One of the guys that was a few years ahead of me starting out. And I used to watch him at Stitches.

And just a funny SOB. Come on, you don't get any funnier than Irish Boston fellas, I'm telling you. And Paul D'Angelo, killer act. He's always voted the funniest guy in Boston. And Christine Hurley and Greg Murphy fill out the bill. And that's 8 o'clock. And themusichall.org for tickets 603-436-2400 if you want to call probably sold out by now i'm guessing but check anyways looking forward to that uh get to see my parents again had to drive up there for a wake funeral this past week

and got caught in a little snow up there. Mamma mia. And then the brokerage in Belmore, Long Island, which is 26th and 27th of February. College of Staten Island, March 5th. That should be fun. Bananas, Hasbrook Heights, March 11th and 12th. That's in Hasbrobro Heights, New Jersey.

Sidesplit is one of my favorite gigs. In March, March 31st, April 1 and 2. Woman's Club of Minneapolis. That's the name of the theater, folks. I know you're laughing your balls off right now. April 9th. Then how about this one? Dr. Grin's Grand Rapids, Michigan.

April 21, 22, and 23. And one of my favorite gigs, the Arlington Drafthouse in Alexandria, Virginia on April 29 and 30. Love that place. Love it. That is it. The business horseshit, as they say. Yeah, yeah. business horseshit, as they say.

Yeah? Yeah. Jim Nance ought to stick to basketball, can I say that? And he just loves Peyton Manning, but he doesn't know his football. He's great at what he does, but football's not his thing. And CBS changed this fucking theme song before I fucking hunt down... I don't know, Leslie Visser and chop her toes off. Did you hear this enough yesterday?

Did you enjoy how they sprinkled in a little bit of football with commercials? Isn't that cute? Do you like some football with your commercials? God fucking damn it. Every time they go to a commercial. Let's bring out the starting lineups. Penalty on the plate. We'll be back. Jesus H. Christ.

Mamma mia. It's just unwatchable now. The game sucked. The game was just a fucking crushing bore and um you know through no fault of the players anything but just uh maybe one of the most unforgettable super balls i would say i mean can you imagine if peyton manning i mean we had at least a little bit of drama with him uh maybe his last hurrah going out as a champion. So that added a little bit to it, a little mystique.

But, I mean, if you took that away, I don't know. I had it all wrong. wrong i thought uh i really thought cam newton would come out and uh play his game and uh tuck the ball and run and maybe keep that defense off balance but that denver defense is just fucking ferocious that goddamn von miller you couldn't block him with a garbage truck the speed on that guy and where and and all the other dudes i mean mean, that's a good football team. But still, I mean, just hold on. Rolling over some notes. Oh, before I even get to the Super Bowl,

thank you for coming out to New Haven, the Sports Haven on Saturday night in New Haven, Connecticut. That was fun. Sound system was a little shabba-tabba, but you came out, pretty good numbers, and I appreciate it. Again, it's a weird gig. I'm on stage, and the audience is facing me, but behind the audience, these giant screens. It's like a casino with chariot racing going on and shit. Very fucking bizarre, and yes, I should be past that in my career. But it's local and it's easy money. So fuck you.

Don't judge me. Anyway. First of all, ratings wise, they did good. But that's no surprise, right? I mean, the last three years have broken like tv ratings never mind just for the super bowl um they came in at a 49 rating last year was the highest ever at a 49.7 but they had a 73 share among households so uh and last year, they had over 114.4 million viewers, which was higher than the previous year,

they're over 111.5 million viewers, so, anyways, they had a lot of people to watch a shitty game, and it was shitty, wasn't it, it was just fucking are you gonna forget that one in five minutes admit it you want the patriots in there

admit it you need the patriots on that wall you want them on that wall deep down are parties you don't talk about they booed tom brady fuck you fuck you you fucking cocksucker that's right boo the fucking greatest quarterback ever. Kiss my ass. I love it. I love that the Patriots are so hated. But you need us. You need us in there.

But anyways, I'm happy for Peyton Manning. I really thought Carolina was going to whip him. I thought Cam Newton would come out and, you know, sling it. And then run it. Well, maybe not so much run it but i was hoping he'd scramble early in the game to keep that defense a little off balance you know then they can't come as hard off the edges who am i nick the greek uh but that never happened that never materialized because cam newton was wearing his pink panties and his crybaby panties and his

boy he uh he really showed what he's made of, huh? He's one of those guys when everything's going great, he's just the fucking Joe Positive. And you could see the pain look on his face. I mean, the minute they fell behind, he had this fucking, his body language, and he had this hurt look on his face. It was just early in the game game and right after he fumbled

and that first touchdown by Denver by the defense were covered in the end zone you could see that whiny fucking look on his face I mean dude it's about facing adversity you couldn't carry uh first of all a guy's an unbelievable athlete and you know but you know they're talking about he's going to reinvent the position and that's still yet to be seen but yeah because he can throw it and he can run it and he is the probably the most athletic guy ever to play that position he's 245 pounds by the way but uh if you ain't got no heart all that shit don't matter fella and you ain't got no heart i mean there's a fumble in the was the fourth quarter the ball comes loose and he he doesn't go after it that just spoke fucking volumes and if i

may one of his teammates that that's that would just make me sick to my stomach you know i mean if you don't dive on a loose ball in the super bowl late in the game when you're down when do you lacking a lot of heart there, man. And then, you know, just, yeah, he's, he just, a lot to be desired there, man. He just, they had no answer. They had no answer for that pass rush. There was 12 combined sacks in the game, and Denver had seven of them. And Vaughn Miller, clearly, clearly,

that might have been the easiest MVP pick. Peyton Manning did enough. I mean, he didn't didn't he's definitely retiring I know he had to play coy but he knows I mean he just he managed the game and he still fucked up a few times he's done he's he's he's smart why wouldn't you go off in the sunset just like Elway did? I guarantee he's going to do that. And he's a real ham, you know, in front of the camera. So he's got a great career ahead of him, man. I mean, so, yeah, that's got to be it for him. I mean, I'm making that prediction, and it's not a very risky one.

What else did I want to talk about on the show as far as the Super Bowl? Just the whole broadcast. Can we just, NFL, can we get it over with, please, and just switch to pay-per-view these games so we don't have to, like, I don't know, we don't have to sit through commercials. And you can't even, and this isn't new. I've been complaining about this for years. Thank God for DVR. I don don't watch during the regular season i don't watch a game in real time i can't remember the last time

i've done that i have to go outside and rake leaves or something and record a couple games so i can rip through the games without the commercials and all that shit but i mean because even during regular season games to me it's ridiculous how you'll get a minute a couple minutes commercials they'll come back uh the team will kick off a punt and then they'll go go they'll show you the punt and then you go back to three minutes of commercials I I it's too painful to watch I don't know how people sit through it I'm guessing a lot of you do what I do and record it but the the Super Bowl I don don't want to do that. I don't want to record it because, you know, sometimes you like to tweet and shit

and then you don't want to find out what's... It's too important a game to fucking... So, yeah, I just... But during the... I mean, yesterday. I mean, what were they? Five minutes at a time? The commercials?

Just... And yeah, some of them were funny, blah, blah, blah. I like Willem Dafoe as Marilyn Monroe. That cracked me up with his skinny, veiny, 70-year-old legs in the Snickers commercial. And I thought, and there was an honorable, I think it was an Audi commercial for a new Audi sports car or whatever. It was an old guy sitting there like he was a retired astronaut. And his son comes home and asks his wife, has he moved yet? And, you know, he's just sitting in the living room with a depressed look and the guy gives him the keys to his new Audi

and they intersplice it with, I don't even know if that was the real, it might have been Neil Armstrong in the commercial or whoever. Or did he pass away? I'm not even sure. It might have been a real astronaut, I don't know. But they intersplaced it with like the first lunar takeoff and I thought that was fucking pretty ballsy. or did he pass away i'm not even sure it might have been a real astronaut i don't know but they ain't displaced it with like the first lunar takeoff and i thought that was fucking pretty ballsy and uh that monkey puppy thing that was kind of fucking creepy but making me laugh out loud anyways that they were better than the game and do you notice hey do you notice how the

commercials are way more original than the television shows. Like, seriously, the commercials are way better than, like, sitcoms and shit, way more original and more cutting edge. That's because the TV was invented to sell you shit. And the commercials are really just dropped in. I mean, excuse me, the sitcoms and TV shows are really dropped in to break up the commercials and not the other way around. Because that was the purpose of that box believe it or not and um but just painful just painful just fine you can't you can't get a rhythm going you can't get interested in the fucking game they really punish you they really do so I wish just make it a subscription model or whatever the

fuck so we can uh so we can just watch the game uninterrupted. I don't know if that's even possible. It has to be. That has to be around the corner. I think that's why they have the NFL network. Somebody told me that, like, that NFL network and some cable systems, you know, you have one, you know how they have different tiers? You know, tier one, tier two. In some cities, you know, you have to pay extra if you want tier two,

and you'll get the NFL. I think they're kind of primings for that anyways. I'm guessing. But I can't watch football like this unless I record it. But trying to watch it in real time yesterday, I was freaking out. I was twitching. I was fucking literally twitching. I'm so used to fast forward through the commercials and the fucking huddles.

And when you eliminate the commercials and the huddles and all that shit, and, you know, it's really about seven minutes of actual playing time, somebody said. They broke it down. But, and the referees, it's unbelievable. You know, everybody's blaming Mike McCleary, the referee, the head of the referees that they, when they review a play, they have him in the booth or they call him or whatever and ask for his opinion and he's always wrong but

he's not always wrong a lot of time the fucking refs the crew that was a catch yesterday folks i don't give a fuck if you know anything about football that was a catch yesterday an amazing catch that they ruled was no catch and you know that kind of affected the game right at the beginning there and it hurt little cam's uh feelings i think you could see it on his face when they said that wasn't a catch but that ball never touched the ground it did not touch the reviews and i said this before i used to be a proponent for replay and but i always had a caveat with that and it was they have to do it uh you know prudently and and take no time and now every sport is reviewing everything whether it's college hockey nhl they're reviewing everything baseball it just slows the broadcast down it only works you jerk offs i'm talking about the nfls

you got to do it in 30 seconds or less and it should watching that catch you should watch from two different angles that's all you need if you can't do that they go to break and they come back and they're still fucking i mean you just you can tell the people who run tv and you know they don't understand how sports works or whatever but i'm telling you the nfl is going to cut its own throat with shit like this um it's just tedious between everything being reviewed and how did they get that one wrong i can't fucking for the life of me think uh there's professional refs looking at that and i don't know and uh anyways that was kind of significant right at the beginning it doesn't mean the outcome would have been different but i'm just saying um that and uh yeah i mean the refereeing sucks in general in the nfl out of all the pro sports it needs a real overhaul and then let's get to the fucking uh

let's get to the uh well the big play of the game i think was obviously denver's defensive touchdown when uh when baby baby uh cam you know got drilled from the blind not from the blind side but uh you know he fumbled into the end zone you know i'm talking about the panthers have a third and ten here comes pressure and they've gotten to him the ball is out in the end zone and it's recovered by Oh, come on, Cam. Who else? Four runners. Anyways, Cam, what happened? Fucking Superman. Four runners. Anyways. Cam, what happened?

Fucking Superman. Yeah. Yeah. So that was one of the big plays, obviously. That defense was frightening. The halftime show, you can stick that up your sister's ass, too. Beyonce, you suck. You couldn't carry Madonna's purse.

Your husband has some talent. But, I don't know. Just a nice display of anti-cop, anti-white. Can you imagine the reverse being done at fucking uh halftime i don't know just doing a tribute to the cops why don't they do that let's get a half let's have the uh i don't the military they all have bands don't they and um yeah but that was a nice uh salute to the black panthers and shit with that stupid formation. That's her big fucking album she just dropped. God, can we leave it alone in this country for five seconds?

And I do understand that it's Black History Month, but we've heard your history over and over again. Really don't need another fucking lesson. And if you want to have a dialogue, we'll do that. Whitey actually gets to talk this time if we have the dialogue instead of being lectured to. But that halftime show is just, you know, just, again, I'm sure that's what she was shooting for. You know, when you drop a new video or an album, you want to create controversy. But, I mean mean was that cleared

with the super bowl was the the nfl did they know what the song was about did they go yeah that's fine we don't think you know anti-cop and it was really you know a tribute to uh black lives matter again a movement that was based on the ferguson shooting which was an out and out fucking lie the whole thing so the whole black lives matter movement itself is based on a Ferguson shooting, which was an out-and-out fucking lie, the whole thing. So the whole Black Lives Matter movement itself is based on a fucking myth, and I'll keep saying that until I'm blue in the face. But we really don't need that horse shit at halftime. You know? We don't need... And I talk about this in my stand-up act.

I did it Saturday night. I'm sick of fucking putting on the red socks and having uh everything's turned into um you're gonna be magnanimous and and and oh i can't watch a red socks game without cancer benefits being mentioned and and it's everything's bleeding into first of all the fucking super bowl okay keep hollywood and sports separate i know espn is doing their best to blend the two and i used to do a bit on this how you know sports people think they're entertainers but you're not your professional athletes just because people find what you do entertaining doesn't make you an entertainer okay and hollywood is jumping on the back it's all one big system i guess jumping on the back of the nfl which is the most popular

thing on the planet as far as media goes and it's just fucking tiring the halftime show has become bigger than the actual game itself more people are probably talking about Beyonce today than fucking Peyton Manning or Cam Newton. But just, I want just a shitty, I want a shitty, no, you know what I want? I want the grambling marching band. If you've ever seen Gramblins in All Black School and their marching band, it used to be, it was like 40 guys. And they like, not only do they fucking play their instruments, but they dance and do splits. And just like it's they should be the halftime band every at every Super Bowl because everybody would get a kick out of them. But enough of this Katy Perry, Coldplay, fucking Beyonce, Madonna, fucking horse shit. Go go play in your own yard.

OK, go back to fucking Hollywood play in your own yard, okay? Go back to fucking Hollywood. Make your own records. Stay the fuck out of the... What was the halftime? 49 minutes? So I can be lectured about the Black Panthers and the kid shot in San Francisco and... Oh, my God.

We can't fucking leave it alone in this country for five fucking minutes. It's fucking exhausting. It really is jesus h fucking christ the dancers uh yeah the formation was being widely touted as a rallying cry for black lives matter movement at one point during the song the supporting performances formed an X on the field. Thought to reference black rights campaigner Malcolm X.

Real whitey hater. And then raised their arms in the air, gesturing, referencing the black power salute by Tommy Smith and John Carlos. Remember those guys, the track guys? Mexico City, 1968. Guys are probably too young to remember that. But who wants to see that? You think fucking white

people want to see this shit? We didn't fucking... The people watching the game in 2016 had nothing to do with what happened to your fucking relatives 300 years ago. Let's give it a fucking rest, can we? Fuck! Following the show show several of the dancers were pictured giving the same salute around a piece of paper that reads justice for mario woods he was a black guy shot in uh san francisco last

december he his stat he had stabbed somebody and and then 12 cops uh him. And, of course, you know, the cops are the bad guys in that scenario, as always. Because I, can I just say this? And, again, I'll probably, I don't know. We have different values. It just seems like certain segments of this country is made up of certain, you know, it's very diverse, different races. And we all seem to have different values, if you know what I'm saying. Save the politics for fucking meet the press, Beyonce. By the way, you're a little chunky, too.

Overrated, as far as that goes. By the way, you're a little chunky, too. Overrated, as far as that goes. I'll take a 34-year-old Britney Spears. What? You heard me. And Beyonce's mother was on Instagram giving the Black Power salute, too. That's terrific. It's the cops, huh?

The people protect us every day. Yeah, let's do a halftime show shitting on them. Yay, America! What the fuck? Uh-oh, retard alert! Get that fucking right. The video formation, it's the most political Beyonce has released,

showed scenes of white police lining up against a black teenager in graffiti that reads, stop shooting us. Another part of the video shows Beyonce in a flooded New Orleans, recalling scenes after Hurricane Katrina in which George Bush was accused of not caring about black people by Kanye West. So it must be true.

Can't wait to get my hands on that video. Let's keep the tension. I love the people who fucking, oh, we want a colorblind society. That's all they fucking whine about. They're the ones obsessed with it. But some people, some fans were pissed on, you know, on Facebook

and Twitter lashing out at Beyonce. So some people haven't lost their marbles. Several fans hit out at Beyonce over the music video and advocated boycotting the Super Bowl,

accusing her of spreading an anti-cop message, which only serves to further divide the community. Writing on the singer's Facebook page yesterday, Kristen Wickham said, As the wife of a police officer, I am offended by this entire video. Rise above and stay above the strife. For a girl who grew up in a privileged, wealthy family, she has no business pandering to those

who didn't. This is Mrs. Wickham talking about Beyonce. She has no idea what struggle is also a rebecca simpson added planning to boycott the super bowl halftime show i guess it was before all all lives matter i am offended by your song formation and implication that there is a vast conspiracy in law enforcement against a particular race. And that's just what it is. It's a fucking vast conspiracy. Case fucking closed. I'm not going to go over the numbers again, but literally tens of millions of contacts a year cops have with civilians. And the shooting of unarmed people is like.001%. How do you fucking epidemic?

Excuse me. Epidemic. Um. oh they ain't in a super bowl they weren't allowed not in a halftime show just fucking tired of it all just tired of it all give me the fucking vikings dolphins 1977 when I was 15 years old. Whoever it was. Pittsburgh and the bike. I don't know. Give me the Len Dawson with the Chiefs. Made a tremendous chili, though.

Oh. I should give it a recipe. It calls for five pounds of brisket in the chili. I used three. It's only me and the wife. She probably ate an ounce of brisket in the chili. I use three. It's only me and the wife. She probably ate an ounce of it. I ate the rest. Oh, just tremendous. Cooked for four hours. Brisket, chili, habaneros in it. It was literally blue smoke come out of my ass this morning and I enjoyed every second of it. Just tremendous. Then a nice dollop of fucking whipped cream to cool that down.

Fucking cheddar cheese. Kidney beans in it. You know. Oh. Just tremendous. Beef stock. What the hell else was in it tomatoes a couple cans of whole tomatoes just fucking tremendous

um so that was it uh um yeah just well forget about that forget about that game in five minutes, won't we? Sure we will. I guess there was a... America's sheriffs. Members of the National Sheriffs Association meeting in Washington turned their backs on Beyonce during a Super Bowl halftime party. Angered that the NFL allowed her to sing a song they considered anti-police. Good for them. The association told Secrets thatyonce performed a snippet of

her hit formation the sheriff was holding their annual legislative meeting at the jw merit turned off the volume and video oh my god that's outrageous fellas how dare you how dare you but yeah the nfl ought to fucking wise up but But again, you know what the demographic is. And I know you're going to say, well, the NFL is 88% black. But they make up fucking 12% of the population of the country. And then they claim that they're underrepresented, whether it's Hollywood or whatever. Shit like this makes up for it, okay? Oh, Cam Newton, by the way, before we move on.

I got him at the press conference being the immature baby that he is. We'll be back. We'll be back. Ron said Denver two years ago had a tough time. They bounced back. Did you take that to heart when you told me that? No. Can you put a finger on what white Carolina did not play the way it normally plays? Got outplayed.

Got outplayed. Got outplayed, bro. Was there anything different in defensively? I mean, I know you'd seen them, studied them. Was there pretty much what you had seen on film? Was there anything different you think they put in for this game? Nothing different. Yeah, and then he walked off about that abruptly.

Took a few more questions. Spoke a little long. But sat there with his hood on and his arms crossed with like a two-year-old. And then just got up and, what do you want me to say, I'm sorry? And just, you know, just a fucking... I don't know.

I hope he grows up because he's one he is fun to watch man and uh i want to like him yeah superman ain't so super. Alright, let's move on. Let's move on. I like to say politics like the Super Bowl wasn't. But what's the latest

in New Hampshire? They had a debate. Came home and watched it. I was wired after New Haven because I did some coke in the parking lot. Right after the show by myself,

I slotted some coke. You got to stay focused. You got to stay focused. You got to stay. I did. I came and watched the fucking debate. I love the debate. Just like on Horace and Pete, Louis' new show there that you can watch at louisck.net.

It's funny because my character in that show talks about Cam Newton in the first episode saying that I wasn't a big fan. But I really like Cam Newton and, you know, as an athlete and shit. My character said that. And now after seeing the way he behaved, I really don't think I like him right now. I really do hope he grows up. But anyways. Yeah, so Louie touched on that in the first episode.

Pretty good. And then we argue politics. So he was right on the money. Excuse me. Bernie Sanders is now beating Hillary Clinton by 16 points. No hamcha. He lost a point since last night. And she kept what she had.

So it's like 56 to 40, Bernie. That's all bullshit. That's a media. You know, Bernie, it's just hilarious. I have a better chance of being elected. And it's just embarrassing that this many fucking people have fallen for this horseshit. It's embarrassing to me that that many people people have fallen for this horse shit. It's embarrassing to me that that many people

find socialism appealing. Especially when we're 19 trillion in debt. It's even a bigger wet dream than it's just fucking shows you. That couldn't have happened, okay, without a fucking left-leaning mainstream media.

Not in a million years. Anyways, let's listen to a little of Hillary. Bernie and Hillary, they went at it. Got a little heated. Finally, they're debating. But listen to Hillary. I'm just playing this, not so much for the content, just to Hillary's voice.

I want you to listen to her shrill voice and picture yourself having to listen to this for the next four or fucking eight years, but listen to her in exchange with the Bernie. There is this attack that he is putting forth, which really comes down to, you know, anybody who ever took donations or speaking fees for any interest group uh has to be bought and i just absolutely reject that senator

and i really don't think these kinds of attacks by insinuation are worthy of you. And enough is enough. If you've got something to say, say it. Say it to my dog face. But you will not find that I ever changed a view or a vote because of any donation that I ever received. And I have stood up and I have... And the idiots in New Hampshire applauding this fucking... should be taken out and spanked. I'm very proud of that.

So I think it's time to end the very... this fucking should be taken out and spanked. New Hampshire, what the fuck are you thinking? I can't believe. What the fuck? Anyways. in recent weeks. Let's talk about the issues. Let's talk about the issues that divide us. Okay, let's talk about issues. We both agree with campaign finance reform.

Let's talk about issues. I worked hard for McCain-Feingold. I want to reverse Citizens United. Let's talk about issues. And so, let's talk about... Hear her fucking voice. And I'll say it again she ain't gonna make it

she ain't gonna make it I'm telling she ain't gonna be the nominee between her problems with the FBI and her goddamn emails and that's not a bunch of shit I know you people

on the left oh that's she just making up shit such fuck it's all legitimate she's a fucking career criminal in a pantsuit. Okay. Bad mouthing Wall Street. She's made 153 million in speeches in the last, was it 10 years, six years or something. Are you fucking the Clintons? Give me a break give me a fucking break in new hampshire applauding her ah and i'm telling you she bernie's

they're in a virtual tie and national polls can you imagine they're shitting their pants that they're gonna i read something she's shaking up her staff today or something they're shitting their pants and i'm telling you they're're going to have to have Biden jump back in and Elizabeth Warren. And I'm telling you, oh God, I want it more than anything. I want it more than anything. Just because it not only rips her heart out

because it's what she lives for to be the first female president her whole life, but the feminist idiots who follow her, it'll rip their mustaches off too and just ruin their fucking gloria steinem came out and said the only reason young uh girls uh following bernie sanders is to chase boys or some shit she had to apologize i love it it really is like sports it really is but But that goddamn voice.

Oh, I can't have that. We can't have that for fucking four, not even four minutes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not this fucking time. No fucking way, no fucking way, no fucking way, no fucking way, you may. And then the Republican shit really get down and nasty. You know, Rubio made a nice move in Iowa, you know, and came in third, but he was right on Ted Cruz's ass by like a point.

And, you know, so he's got the momentum going into New Hampshire. And, yeah, he's looking at him as the establishment guy, but he was a tea party guy when he first started. And my boy Ted Cruz, I still think, would be the... But he's... I don't know if he's electable. He's too... I think my wife hit it right on the head. She's watching. She goes, he sounds too much like an evangelist. With his southern drawl and his, you know.

Again, and I'm not religious. I just want somebody as far right as possible with some brains. And that would be Cruz. But, you know, Rubio wouldn't be a bad second. But Rubio, during the debate, kept saying, and he's used this phrase in previous debates, people saying that Obama is incompetent, doesn't know what he's doing. And Rubio says he knows exactly what he's doing. He's trying to dismantle this country.

And he's exactly right. But he's used this many times. He's used that little speech many times. And he got into it with Chris Christie. And who is a Chris Christie? I can't make my mind up about him either you know um i don't think he's a real conservative uh i really don't and but he is a fucking killer debater man i wouldn't want to get you don't want to get into a verbal joust i've

never seen him fucking lose really but. But he's no conservative. No way. But he got into it with Rubio. And it may be some good. Let's listen. I fucking love it. It's like there's no UFC on. There's no boxing on.

You watch this type of shit. But he simply does not have the experience to be President of the United States and make these decisions. We've watched it happen, everybody. For the last seven years, the people of New Hampshire are smart. Do not make the same mistake again. Well, yeah, New Hampshire.

I think the experience is not just what you did, but how it worked out. Under Chris Christie's governorship of New Jersey, they've been downgraded nine times in their Yeah, New Hampshire. fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is trying to change this country. He wants America to become more like the rest of the world. We don't want to be like the rest of the world. We want to be the United States of America. And when I'm elected president, this will become once again the single greatest nation in the history of the world, not the disaster Barack Obama has imposed upon us. Senator Rubio, thank you. I do want to bring in Governor Bush on this because you've made this. If you'd like to respond to the economic... I think he directly mentioned me in my record in there, so I think I get a chance to respond. You see, everybody, I want the people at home to think about this. That's what Washington, D.C. does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and

incomplete information, and then the memorized 25-second speech. That is exactly what his advisors gave him. See, see Marco. And then Marco responds. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

No. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. No. No. I fucked up the clip. Oh. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! No! No!

I fucked up the clip. Oh. But he simply does not have the experience to be President of the United States and make these decisions. We've watched it happen, everybody. You're going to have to listen again. For the last seven years, the people of New Hampshire are smart.

Do not make the same mistake again. I'm off my game today. Thank you. I was meant to do it. Well, again. I'm off my game today. I think the experience is not just what you did, but how it worked out. Under Chris Christie's governorship in New Jersey, they've been downgraded nine times in their This country already has a debt problem. We don't need to add to it by electing someone who has experience at running up and destroying the credit rating of his state. But I would add

this. Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is trying to change this country. He wants America to become more like the rest of the world. Well, he repeats it, so I might as well play it again. We want to be the United States of America. And when I'm elected president, this will become once again the single greatest nation in the history of the world,

not the disaster Barack Obama has imposed upon us. Senator Rubio, thank you. I do want to bring in Governor Bush on this. Hold on one second. Because you've made this. Excuse me. If you'd like to respond to the economic... I think he directly mentioned me in my record in there.

So I think I get a chance to respond. You see, everybody, I want the people at home to think about this. That's what Washington, D.C. does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information, and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisors gave him. See, Marco, the thing is this. When you're President of the United States, when you're a governor of a state, the memorized 30-second speech where you talk about how great America is at the end of it, doesn't solve one problem for one person. They expect you

to plow the snow. They expect you to get the school building. And when the worst natural disaster in your state's history hits you, they expect you to rebuild their state, which is what I've done. None of that stuff happens on the floor of the United States Senate. It's a fine job. I'm glad you ran for it. But it does not prepare you for President

of the United States. I'm glad you ran for it. But it does not prepare you for President of the United States. Chris, your state got hit by a massive snowstorm two weeks ago. You didn't even want to go back. They had to shame you into going back. And then you stayed there for 36 hours. And then he left and came back. Those are the facts. Who's the bottom line?

This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. There it is. He knows exactly what he's doing. There it is, the memorized 25-second speech. There it is, everybody. That's the reason why this campaign is so important. Because I think this notion, I think this is an important point. We have to understand what we're going through here.

We are not facing a president that doesn't know what he's doing. He knows what he is doing. That's exactly right. That's why he's done the things he's done. I don't give a shit how many times. Look know what he's doing. He knows what he is doing. That's exactly right. Rubio's right. I don't give a shit how many... Look at New Hampshire's Boeing. Probably Christie donors. This is a president that's trying to redefine this country. That's why this election is truly a referendum

on our identity as a nation, as a people. Our future is at stake. This election is not about the past. It is about what kind of country this is going to be in the 21st century. And if we elect someone like Barack Obama, a Hillary Clinton, a Bernie Sanders, or anyone like that, our children are going to be the first Americans that inherit a diminished country that will not have an Obama. Governor Christie, we will... Chris, why don't you make the finance part and get into this?

You know what the shame is, Marco? The shame is that you would actually criticize somebody for showing up to work, plowing the streets, getting the trains run back on time, when you've never been responsible for that in your entire life. He didn't want to go back. And on and on. Hey, I don't give a shit how many times. You know what's going on there, don't you?

Rubio was already running for the general election. That's what he's, he's skipping it. But he, these guys, you got to knock out these guys first, kind of. But he's already, he's going like, no, I'm arguing the big, and I think that's the smart move. Because anybody who's, you know, on the right is going to hate what Obama is doing. And, you know, and Christie keeps comparing. And a governor does have more experience, more, you know, more things to do probably than a senator. His responsibility, like plowing and whatnot.

But I got to believe the presidency is a lot more stressful than being a governor of New Jersey, too. So, but I see both their points, but I like Rubio's message better. So, and he said it in the paper today, he goes, I'm going to keep saying, he's going to keep giving that speech about Obama dismantling his country and doing it intentionally.

So, anyways, it intentionally. So, anyways. It's fun TV, kids. It really is. What, are you going to watch fucking reruns of Full House one day at a time? It's like sports. So, yeah, the big, uh, vote is, uh, tomorrow night, and, uh, there was also a funny exchange, Jeb Bush, Jeb Bush had his mom come up to New Hampshire to help defend them,

that doesn't look too good, but, uh, what is she, in her late fucking hundreds, and, uh, so Jeb was a little feisty, because they like him up in New Hampshire. I can't figure out New Hampshire, which I guess is good. And I guess they say New Hampshire, 9% of them don't know who they're voting for the night before. Run that statistic too. But here is Trump and Bush getting into it. But eminent domain. And that's when a developer like Trump wants to build something and somebody's house is in the way. And they'll pay off the person to move or whatever.

So they get into it. And fucking Trump just kills me dude he kills me but his job trying to stand up to trump about eminent domain what donald trump did was use eminent domain to try to take the property of an elderly woman on the strip in atlantic city that is not public purpose that That is downright wrong. The politically correct seals. Here's the problem with that. The problem was it was to tear down... Jim wants to be a tough guy.

He wants to be a tough guy tonight. It was to tear down the house. I didn't take the property. And the net result was you tried. I didn't take the property. And you lost in the court. The woman ultimately didn't want to do that. That is not true.

And it was great that I didn't. To turn this into a limousine parking lot for his casinos is not a public use. And in Florida, based on what we did, we made that impossible. It is part of our Constitution. That's the better approach. That is the conservative approach. Mr. Trump, take 30 seconds. Well, let me just, you know, he wants to be a tough guy. A lot of times, you'll have, you'll have, and it doesn't work very well with him.

How tough is it to take a lot of property from an elderly woman? Let me talk. Let me't work very well how tough is it a lot of times property from an elderly woman let me talk quiet how tough is it he said quiet a lot of times he he put his lips up to him and he goes quiet like i do to my wife just to get her pissed off when we're arguing i'll go quiet like when she tells me to calm down when I'm losing my mind, it makes me even more mental. Well, that makes her like mental. When I go quiet, men are talking. Fucking Joe. Trump goes quiet to Joe Bush, puts his finger up to his lips.

Oh, my God. I was belly laughing. Oh, shut up, New Hampshire. That's all of his donors and special interests out there. I love it. That's what it is. and special interests out there. I love it. But it is. And by the way, let me just tell you, we needed tickets. You can't get them.

You know who has the tickets? I'm talking about to the television audience. Donors, special interests, the people that are putting up the money. They're bowing the truth in New Hampshire. It's going to be a tough show Friday night. Donors in the audience. And the reason they're not loving me... The reason they're not... Excuse me.

The reason they're not loving me is I don't want their money. I'm going to do the right thing for the American public. I don't want their money. I don't need their money. And I'm the only one up here that can say that. Quiet. He goes, Jeb's trying to be a tough guy quiet oh why would anybody want to run for president it just seems like a fucking grueling nightmare world's heading into a black fucking hole anyways

jump on board i Enjoy this shit. So Bernie, Larry David was hosting SNL. And of course, you know, he does a great, Larry David does a great impersonation of Bernie Sanders. And that's why he's probably hosting. And it was pretty funny. Had a couple of good, really good sketches in there and here's a uh a piece of one they did like i think was like i think they call it burn your enthusiasm it was where um they did a play on you know larry david joe curb your enthusiasm only with bernie sanders it was an episode like a mini episode of Curb Your Tunes

and only Bernie Sanders is, Larry David is playing Bernie Sanders in the, it's very, I think it was the best, best sketch of the night,

actually. I'll just play like a couple minutes of it, but that was pretty fun. on him. Jay Farrow does a great J.B. Smoove. Cicely Strong. Is that her name? Cicely Strong? She did a great Susie Esmond.

It's a revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turnout, She did a great Susie Esmond. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU DON'T THINK SO. YOU COUGHED INTO YOUR HAND. NO, I DIDN'T. SHAKE MY HAND. NO, I SAW IT. COME ON, MR. SANDERS. DON'T BE RUDE. SHAKE MY WIFE'S HAND. I'M NOT BEING RUDE. SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S BEING RUDE

BY OFFERING A GERMAN FESTED HAND. GERMAN FESTED HAND? IS THAT RIGHT? I'M A VOTER. I AM. GERMAN FESTED HAND? I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. I'm German-fested now? Is that right? I'm a voter is what I am, Bernie. Is he a German-fested person? German-fested hen. I am running for president.

I do not shake disgusting hens. Oh, you're disgusting now? Are you disgusting now? Really? Bernie? Hey, don't walk away from it, Bernie Sanders! Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee? A coffee, a coffee.

Yeah, you know what? I'll have a coffee with whole milk. Sorry, I think we only have 2%. 2%? No, no, no. If I'm going to have milk, I'll have milk. Thank you very much. Murray! 2%.

What's this I hear about you not shaking your constituents' hands? You can't do that. No, no, you don't understand, Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake. Sure it wasn't a cough and a wipe and a shake? No, no, there was no wipe, definitely no wipe. She didn't have the decency to give me a wipe. You are such an asshole, Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you're an asshole.

Oh, I'm a... Yeah, you got it. You are. You are. People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history, and I don't take from millionaires and billionaires. The average donation is just... 27. Yeah, we know,

because you say it every time you're on TV. That's a great Suzy Espin. Everybody knows. Oh, shut up, Suzy, okay? Bernie said it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Listen, listen, man. I heard you ain't want to shake a black woman's hand.

What? No, don't say black woman, okay? It had nothing to do with black. She gave me a coffin shake. Listen, you need the black vote, Birdie. You need to shake as many black women's hands as you can. I don't care if the hand got dookie on it. You can shake that hand. You know why?

Because you might get dookie on your hand. But you know what else you get? A damn vote. Okay, that was fascinating, Leon. Just fascinating. I'm going to go get some coffee. You can't go out there. Why? I'm a person like everybody else. I'm a normal human being. You're not normal.

Normal human being. Oh, shut up, Susie. How about that? You shut up. Oh, Susie. Normal, you mean? You're not normal. Oh, shut up, Susie. How about that?

You shut up. Oh, you, Susie. Hold on, hold on. No, no, no. If you're a Curb Your Enthusiasm fan, you'd love that. It was really funny. If you don't know, if you don't watch that show, you don't know what I'm talking about. But Jay Pharoah nails J.B. Smoove.

That was a fucking perfect impression. And yeah, Cicely Strong. Is that her last name? I hope so. I was killing it with the Susie Essman. Very funny. Yeah, so Bernie appeared. Bernie Sanders actually appeared in another sketch

with Larry David. They were on a boat. It was like the Titanic or whatever. It was loading people into it. And he was sick of the one percenters. And you see where that goes. Anyways, I thought they did a pretty good job. And Larry Davis is just a funny prick, man.

His opening monologue was funny, too. He's like my soulmate. If I went on Match.com, if there was a woman with his personality. Because my wife says it and everybody knows me. You're like Larry Davis. I go, yeah, I know. I've always been like that.

Wish I was hanging out with Seinfeld when he was. But yeah, so check out that show. I'm sure they'll replay it. That's about it, I guess. The Super Bowl and the whole halftime horseshit and the debates of the weekend in New Haven. Come see me

this Friday night if you're in the Portsmouth, New Hampshire area. The comedy extravaganza 15th annual with Mike McDonnell. It's going to be a great show. That's about it, kids.

That's all I got for you. Yeah. Oh, I drove into the city this morning and did a uh voiceover audition a lot of money in that you know and uh i haven't gone on too many of those and it was for jet blue and they requested a comedian with sarcastic tone i don't know why they thought of me but uh i don't know that's like anything else those but I don't know. That's like anything else, those things. There's people who do that shit all day,

and I'm sure somebody gave much better reading than I did, but I don't know. It was kind of cool to see how that shit goes down. You go in and put on headphones on, and they handed you the copy right there, like right before you went in, so it was interesting. So that's what I did, and we made it in and out of the city

with very little stress level, believe it or not. It's the fucking last time you'll hear me say that, I guarantee you. So that was my day in a nutshell. So I will talk to you kids either tomorrow, if you are premium members, or next Monday, if you're not. All right?

Get your friends to sign up. Let's get this army moving. It's going pretty well. Let's keep the momentum moving forward. Appreciate the support, kids. And that's about it. I will talk to you soon. Lee, tell them how I feel.

soon. Lee, tell them how I feel. I love you for helping me to construct of my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy.

You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being your- Perhaps after all, that is what love means And that is why I love you That's me on the organ guitar solo guitar solo