The Nick DiPaolo Show - 126 - Guest Joe Matarese

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Guest Joe Matarese

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. That was my response when Joe Matariz texted me last night. He said, can I do the show? I got a gig in Boston. I got a plug. I'm like, what am I, your fucking agent? Cock sucker? But he's here. He's not queer.

It's the lovely Joe Matariz. Joey, what's going on? How you doing, man? We didn't get the song. Oh. Gotta do the song I was gonna I hit the button Nothing happened

That's why I'm still looking For that 18 year old There it is By the way Joe plays guitar This is him In his basement By himself Wife's upstairs

Feeding the kids Girls in his fucking 30 underwear Been working on this riff Since senior year Wife's upstairs feeding the kids. Girls in his fucking 30 underwear. Been working on this riff since senior year. That's Mount Scarsdale High School. This song's so good, you could just let it play the whole song. I love fucking Hendrix.

Love the brother. Anybody that I respected and liked, they fucking died at 27. Except for my wife. She's still kicking. Joey, Joey. Yeah, I'm running around like a fucking with my head cut off today. Laid on the couch yesterday. First of all, before, let me get to the, let me plug this real quick. Again, this is the iTunes show.

You get free on Monday. But if you want more shows, two to three more more a week go to connectpal.com slash nick get on the train man because uh every time i wake up and check there's 10 more people signing up i got a little army here so uh i could actually show hillary how to fucking put a foreign policy together with my fans some of them are very gay some of them are very angry some of them are very white. How do you know when they're very gay? I'm kidding. I don't have a gay. There's not a gay fan?

No. How do you know? No, there is actually. I mean, I don't know that the people are gay. I just look at, I go on Twitter, I see the pictures and I go, that guy's gay. But you know,

what are you looking at your phone for, Joe? Focus. Are you fucking on your Ritalin today or what? I think a gig, yeah, I actually took one right before. I think a gig just came. I just looked at my phone and it just said Italian American Club. Can you focus? That's what Joe List used to do.

That's why he hasn't done the show in a year. Italian American Club. Well, I was looking. Joe's agent just texted me. He's going to do the Italian American Club. I'll be at the Kiwanis Club in Connecticut this weekend and wrap a grand opening of an Applebee's and Fuddruckers. I got to be honest.

If I just did nothing but Italian clubs, I would love it. That'd be a great little niche. Why not? Again, it beats loading trucks or digging ditches. It'd be great. Huh? It just gave me an idea. Yeah, I'm going to market that.

Just all. Good luck. You'll be fighting Vic DiBenedetto for gigs. I'm sure he's got that market wrapped up. He probably does. That guy fucking murders. Yeah. Oh, my.

I saw him one night and I went, Jesus H. Christ. I had to follow him in an all Italian gig once. You do a lot of that shit, don't you? I ate my dick. This is 10, 12 years ago. Yeah, I bet you did. How'd it taste? Kind of salty? You might have done it once. Did you ever

get booked on the year like me? Like, we don't really talk that much about being Italian. Oh, go ahead. And then they'll book us on these Italian gigs. No, they won't. You'd rather not. Don't lump me in. Don't do that. You sound like Johnny Lambert. You're just like me. We can lump it. No, I don't do Italian gigs. Oh, go ahead. And then they'll book us on these Italian gigs. No, they won't. You'd rather not. Don't lump me in. Don't do that. You sound like Johnny Lambert. You're just like me. We can lump it.

No, I don't do Italian gigs. No, I'm saying that, but people sometimes mistaken and think that they should book you for an Italian kind of thing. Well, yeah, because they're fucking idiots who know nothing about comedy. They go, oh, he must, he's Italian. First of all, I'm half Italian. He must do shit about his mother, having big hairy tits and making fucking potatoes. But Italian guys do like your style of comedy.

Italian fans. Yeah. Not people in the industry. They're the dopes who think, yeah. No, I'm just saying that even though you don't talk specifically in detail about Italian type subjects, if it was an all Italian audience, you're going to do well. Don't you think?

Well, it depends what they, but what they're expecting material wise. If it's an all Italian audience, they think I'm going to do shit about Mama Leone and fucking, no, they're going to hate me. Right.

That's what happened. Is that what happened? You went out and you didn't do Italian shit. this was, it was so, it was, I think it was called Four Goombas. It was Dom Herrera as the host.

Yeah, I remember that phone call. What's his name did a guest spot? Steve Schirrippa. Yeah, Schirrippa. I was only kidding. Steve Schirrippa. I was only kidding. Steve Schirrippa was calling me a white bread.

I was just kidding. I know, but he really was. No, he really was. He called me a white bread wop the whole night. He couldn't get enough of. Well, he's like a Jew wop. Is he Jewish? Yeah. He called me a white bread whop the whole night. He couldn't get enough of it. Well, he's like a Jew whop. Is he Jewish? Yeah.

He's not even Italian? Well, of course he's Italian, but he's Jewish and Italian. I didn't know that. I don't either. I just made that up. But I thought he said he was like Jewish and Italian. I could see it. Or maybe I was just, I don't know.

Maybe I just made that up. That's the one Italian gig I did do. Jeff Singer. That's what it was. No, no, no. It wasn't. This I just made that up. That's the one Italian gig I did do. Jeff Singer. That's what it was. No, no, no. It wasn't. This was the Wise Guy tour. Well, I did something.

Yeah, you weren't there, Joe. Oh, you did the Montreal one. No. You got off of the Montreal. Oh, sorry. I'm talking about Vegas. Oh, Vegas. They did it too?

They did it in Montreal too. Can I get in for a second? Yes, go. Holy shit. The show's really focused today. Seattle. The one Italian-themed show, it was called Wise Guys, and Sharippa was hosting. It was in Vegas.

Michael Imperioli. The Sopranos guys. Johnny Sack sang. He sang. I did stand up. Who else did stand up, I think? But they were all there. Fucking Johnny Sack, Artie Bucco, who's got a great voice.

Does he really? Yeah. He sings, too.? Yeah, he sings too. You know, it was awesome. I mean, Perioli hosted with Sharippa in Vegas. It was a real Goomba fest. I mean, you go on my website and you'll see all the pictures. At least you're used to. I don't know where the fuck they are.

I get nine devices. Somebody asked me for a headshot. I can't. I don't know where it is. My phone, my computer. I can't. It's up in the cloud. Who the fuck knows?

Fucking Jesus H. Christ. I hate the time I'm living in. I can't. It's up in the cloud. Who the fuck knows? Fucking Jesus H. Christ, I hate the time I'm living in. I wish it was 1850 and I was plowing a field with my dick. Excuse me. Excuse me. I feel the same way, man. Don't you?

You're better at it than I am. And you're no rocket scientist, but you fucking, you're way better with the technology. Well, now they got the, Facebook just came out with this new thing where they're doing the streaming video like periscope now i'm periscoping like live me why and then i'm doing facebook am i gonna get left out if i don't do that and i don't do instagram no seriously you well then why would you do it if you believed it doesn't help um it's fun it's fun that's the

most honest answer i've ever got from anybody about this tech because i don't like facebook i don't fucking the page is overwhelming i call my web guy i go dude i've been working with you for eight years i need you to explain some of this shit there's 19 buttons boost this advertising fucking post i i can't make heads or tails of it every time i fucking go i have two pages i have a public profile page for my fans right and i have my personal page that's more than i got and i i go on the public and i see pictures of my aunt carol at a birthday party what the fuck is she what the fuck is she doing she's saying you know happy birthday you didn't see a christmas nick and i'm cursing out some fan who doesn't like me. I'm dropping the C word. And then my aunt's like, oh, you're kind of nasty.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. He's doing Pauly Walnut right now. What the fuck? The skin's hanging down like an old lady's cunt. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? They're not. I am. That's the point.

Why aren't more people interriging like me? I don't know. I think we got it. I think that's the viral video with Nick DiPaolo and Joe Mattarese. Paulie Walnuts,

Tony Soprano just going crazy on Twitter and Facebook just hating it. Let's put one up. Throwing a computer against a wall just smashing it. Throwing a computer against a wall, just smashing it.

Throwing a computer against a wall going, fucking queers, this is black magic. Pauly, that's an episode on The Sopranos. He goes to a seance. He goes to a fucking seance. It's the funniest scene ever. And the guy goes, I'm getting a certain. Is there a sunny?

Who fucking told you that? Pauly Stanton. He goes, because it was the first guy he ever killed, Sonny Pagano. He goes, who the fuck told you that? This is fucking black, fucking queers. He picks up his folding chair, throws it against the wall and storms out. I thought you were going to say he killed the guy. Somebody threw me the fucking clip on Twitter a couple of days ago,

which they don't realize I've seen every one of those episodes at least 14 times. Have you been watching vinyl, Joe? I tried to watch the pilot, and I got to be honest, I didn't like it. Does it get better? Are you fucking... You love it. I didn't love the pilot. I said it was good.

Okay. The pilot's never the best because you have to introduce characters and it was two hours long oh that's right you're on adderall and shit that's the other wrong guy to ask no adderall should help me with two hours it is so good it is so fucking good all right i'm getting this feeling like when i used to watch the sopranos it's like that the hour goes by like 20 minutes i go i gotta wait a week for another one it is getting fucking bobby cannavale's just knocking it out of the park. All right, I guess I got to watch it.

I watched half of the pylon and it didn't pull me in. And I ended up shutting it off. The fucking music, maybe, I don't know. It's so hip and it's so what you think of if Scorsese and Mick Jagger got together, which is what this, in conjunction. It is so goddamn good. Last night, Olivia Wilde, is that her name? That's Sudeikis' girlfriend?

Olivia Wilde. She plays Connor Valley's wife. Smoking hot. Jason Sudeikis' girlfriend or wife. Totally nude last night. Standing there, frontal nudity. That's good. Had a big shrub down there.

Really? Because it's the 70s. They didn't fucking. Nice. That would have been funny if she had it all waxed waxed it would have made sense nobody picks up on it it's like seeing a mcdonald's rapper blow by when you watch a movie about jesus she had a nice she had a nice nice triangle nice dark just what i like that's a pussy yeah i mean the fucking the shave pussy shit. I

leave the skin on my chicken when I eat it. You know what I mean? What's the point? It's like, it's like, I, you know, shaved pussy, I don't know, it's like a tit with no nipple. I mean, you gotta have some personality there. You know? I don't wanna fucking make out with Mick Jagger. But the show

and the music and Bobby Cannavale is coked up up He's getting more Out of control With each episode Alright I gotta I gotta go back You really don't See my mistake

I have a wife and kids So when I'm watching These shows It's me by myself At like midnight That's perfect But I'm trying Like

I woke up at seven In the morning That day It's midnight I come back from doing I'm like you I'm still awake When I come back from doing... I'm like you. I'm still awake when I come back from doing a show. I pour some bourbon.

I have a little bit of a... This sounds perfect. Yeah. So what's your point? I end up falling asleep and getting tired an hour in. I can't do two hours when I'm drinking. It's not two hours. The pilot was. That's where I got wrong. Okay. That's different. But the Sopranos two hour pilot is

one of the best pilots of all time it pulled me in it made me just want to watch i don't know what you didn't like about this but trust me each episode is getting more intense and he's getting more out of control and just everybody knows this guy a boss who fucking did blow and he's out of his my wife worked for somebody just first of all my wife worked for EMI Records so your wife will watch this with you won't she so I'm watching it last night and there's

a sex scene like fucking in the office somebody's banging somebody at the record office you know the record company and I go is it like that at EMI Records well I even blink at you because I go people fucking Then I went Wait a minute Didn't you tell me

Somebody Your girlfriend Fucked your boss In the office She goes Yeah I go That shit went on

In the fucking In the office Yeah Nice Meanwhile I'm at the comedy cell Sitting there for 28 years Can I touch your tit That shit doesn't

Well I guess Maybe it still does happen I remember when we were younger Like you would get Of course it doesn't Now you get like, you would get laid in these... Of course it doesn't. Now you get arrested. But you would get laid in weird places like that more back in the 70s and 80s.

Portugal. I just remember having shitty jobs and getting laid in, like, fucking refrigerators and shit. You fuck somebody in a refrigerator? Who was it, a little kid? How do you fucking fit a grown woman in a refrigerator? You take the shelves out? Who's the shelves out? Who's the dead guy?

Frozen. I found the dead guy. I saw a fucking fridge I opened. So I fucked him. No, for nothing. I stuck my dick in his mouth. It was freezing. I, uh, yeah, no, I've had, I told you.

I fucking, when I was up at Maine, I fucked a girl in a statue. Inside a big, one of those modern sculpture fucking things. In the sculpture? In the statue. Wow. It was like a half moon almost shape, but it wasn't a moon. I don't know. I still to this day don't know what it was.

And anyone could have came in. It was daylight or nighttime? No, it was 1.30 in the morning. Oh, all right. Yeah. But people were walking by like 10 feet away, which fucking made my dick harder than a whale's tooth. She was screaming. And I said, shut your mouth.

And I put the tape back over. No. No rape jokes. Oh, that's ignorant. This is her. When she saw my dick. She had a deep voice. Anyways.

Yeah. So watch vinyl. I'm telling you. I don't get excited about TV. There's a few. You know, I pick them for Breaking Bad, Sopranos, Mad Men. I pick the ones that, you know, but Game of Thrones and shit, they could be shooting that in my fucking yard. I tell them to get out.

I don't. You're busy. You've got a wife and kids. It's not that. It's a later situation. It's my wife and I are behind the ball on this. We had a long talk about it last night but you're busy but but our problem is is our kids are that we're not puerto rican we're not we're not strict we're not strict enough so they're going to bed uh you

know at 10 instead if there's such a that hour difference if they went to bed 8 30 your wife and you have time to watch a show. Just one show. One one-hour show. You can't tell an 18-year-old kid to go to bed at fucking 8.30. Joe had his kid when he was seven. How old are your kids? Eight and four.

Not the fucking boy of the audience. Eight and four. So it's just, yeah, I don't have time. I should be able to watch this shit on the road. I end up just jerking off the whole time. No, you don't watch it on the road. You would think you could. You got your computer.

I couldn't figure it out. You couldn't put HBO on your computer? No. I don't want to. No, it's easy. There's enough distractions. That's why I hate the other thing about technology. That's the fucking thing.

You can watch your favorite shows anywhere. You're not sponsored to watch your favorite shows anywhere. You're supposed to watch them at home. You fuckhead, you're at work. You wonder why our gross domestic product is down fucking 8% and China's kicking our ass. Some dickhead's fucking sitting at his desk at Hewlett Packard watching Game of Thrones. You fucking nerdy dicks. Watch your fucking shows at home at midnight.

Once your kids go to bed. How about when you're on the road and you got HBO in the room? You don't watch any of the shows you like on HBO? HBO sucks, by the way. It fucking sucks. It's liberal fucking horseshit, most of it. And the movies they put on wouldn't, I can't relate anymore. As each year goes by, the movies get worse.

I used to flip through the nine HBOs I have. I could always find one or two that would interest me. Now it's, you know, Game of fucking Thrones, Sex and the City, these old shitty movies. Ooh, Hugh Grant's got a romantic comedy. Let me fucking jerk my meat. No, I'm saying the shows, though. There's usually a few that you like, HBO or Showtime. They're not, though.

You know what I'm doing? I'm watching on Netflix, like Ray Donovan. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it's all right. Very derivative, but it's entertaining on a superficial level. That's on Netflix now? They must have just put it on there because you had to watch it on Showtime. Oh, maybe it's Showtime.

I don't know. You don't even know. No, I don't. You have Showtime? I don't have Showtime. Then it must be on Netflix. Yeah, but my fucking special was on Showtime. Then it was on Netflix.

So it's probably on Netflix. That's what I'm saying. So it doesn't... It doesn't... You can watch something that was on showtime that's now on netflix not at the same time so if you're i'm not saying it i'm saying if your special was on showtime usually later on it was later yeah that's what i'm saying after show yes right donovan was years ago that's what i'm saying so you're you're watching older episodes

and by the way a little note for you for people who make movies about boston uh the word got g-o-t we don't say got in boston we say gut gut gut i gotta i gotta do something g-u-d-d-a i'm watching uh ray donovan and every time they get to the word got they go got you got a lot of nerve it's not how we say it we say you got a lot of nerve they It makes me nuts. They should study you for character development. Yeah. Just come over to Nick's house for the day. Liev Schreiber, whatever his name is, the lead, does a pretty good job. Liev.

He does a good job with it. That guy's unbelievable. But his wife, she stinks it up with a Boston accent. Sounds like she's from England. And a few other people are butchering it. This is a perfect plug for where I'm going to be this weekend. Where are you going to be, Joe? Laugh Boston. Laugh Boston? That's right. It's a this weekend. Where are you going to be, Joe? Laugh Boston.

Laugh Boston? That's right. It's a beautiful club. It's in the Western Hotel. It's South Boston. It's my second time there. Thursday to Saturday. No idea what those dates are.

What's that? The 20? What's this weekend? 27? 26? 27? 28? You're asking me, Joe.

I'll tell you right now, God damn it. I think That's right Oh you're going to be there Easter Good luck Boston Easter The day before Easter The 24th 25th and 26th Friday is good Friday So there will be six people there

All Jews eating Chinese food Is that why they gave me that weekend It's a shitty weekend It's probably a bad weekend I don't know nobody believes in Christ anymore So it might be bad. Does that mean you can't go out if it's Good Friday? Is that Good Friday?

You can't go out? No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. No, it isn't. That was funny. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. That's my new one.

Who is that? Sounds like Michael Jackson or somebody doing a bad Michael Jackson. No, that'll be good, I guess. I don't know. That's funny, man. I'm so, so, I was raised Catholic and my mother's like, what are you doing? Are you coming home? Coming home for Easter?

You're lucky I come home when it's your birthday, for Christ's sake. I haven't celebrated Easter. Last time I celebrated, I must have been, you know, I dressed up. I was, I think, 11. Easter is stupid. Yeah. I agree. Jesus rose from the dead it's a stupid holiday dude i guess my son's pretty cool this is a sign my son probably doesn't care about easter

either yeah i said i'm gonna be he's got a muslim beard skull camper i'm gonna be in left boston i said uh uh would you would you be all right if i like got home at noon And like you didn't open Like you didn't get your Easter basket Because I kind of want to watch you get your Easter basket So can you wait till noon He's like yeah Oh that's sweet This is why I have Joe here

That's a good dad That I care of You want to see a kid open his Easter basket Yeah Well I figure if my marriage sucks, at least. Do I have to talk to the wife for you? I can be a good dad and have a nice relationship with them. You hear that honesty, folks?

That's why we have Matt Arise on the show. What's up with you? First of all, his wife, and again, and I say it with all due respect, very good look, and she's a goddamn psychologist. Yeah. I don't know how there could be problems yeah okay with a psychologist oh that's true deeply finds fucking problems that's true the problem finder well there's one way to get you know quick backhander

decker i think my dad would have used decker fucking dry gulcher dry gulch that was from uh this boy's life denaro by the by the way i got a call today one of the eight business calls was coming in uh you know denaro's doing this movie a comedian whatever i don't know about it seriously clueless he's doing a movie where he's a comedian yes jeff ross is like fucking consulting on it really yeah he plays like an insult comic an old insult comic blah blah blah but they've been shooting it like at the friggin governors uh the comedy seller so you know and and i've been hearing about it for months and just staying out of it right yeah just going who gives a shit you know it's seriously i'm like at this point in my life unless i'm not

unless i'm fucking not playing opposite him you know i could give a fuck but so finally i get a text today from sd could you call me please and they go are you available tomorrow the director called me just to you know sit at the table me sd norton and i think hannibal burris and you know whatever and i said to the director on the phone i go hey by the way before you hung up i go you know i invented that table, which I did, the comedy solid table. He wasn't impressed. He go, okay, I'll see you fucking later.

But I can't get excited. I'm so jaded, Joe. And you can't say how much or anything like that. No, I know what it is. It's scale. Yeah, it always is. Can somebody explain to me how you break scale? What do you have to do?

Talk. Talk? I always talk if you have well that doesn't matter i always speak so how do you really think i'm taking gigs or i'm an extra i don't know i would if a dinero was no you wouldn't buy fee for me i'll stand i don't i thought he's even in the scene but if he is i'm gonna go thank god dude you gotta stop but yeah that is a good question how do you get to the next tier? I guess... You got to do some... I don't make so much money.

I don't give a fuck at this point. Do you... When you get... Well, you still get residuals if you're a one... Oh, yeah. No, you get a nice fat check for $1.10 three years from now. But certain guys that have like the... If you have a bigger part, your residual check's high, right?

Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, once you... Again, this is why they take advantage of us because we really, we're a little curious. I've done a lot of shit. Like Horace and Pete, I did another episode of that for Louie last week. Well, I have that on my list

as something I wanted to talk to you about. Okay. Yeah, we'll talk about it. Yeah, so I'm going down to the cellar. They're calling me, you know, sit at that table and whatever. There might be some scripted lines in. You know, we'll end up ad-libbing all the shit. We do the workar they're calling me you know sit at that table and whatever there might be some scripted lines and ad you know we'll end up ad libbing all the shit we do the work and they

and still get paid scale um that that table keeps coming up a lot in my life because um they're making a documentary about the comedy cellar a couple weeks ago i had to go down and they you know shot me downstairs talking about the table and the history. Somebody's making a documentary about the history of the Comedy Cellar. And by the way, they call me, right? And they go, you come down, we're making a documentary, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, do I get paid for this? Because you're using this to further your career, not to be a dick.

Seriously. Most comics are just, okay, I'll be right down. And they're like, well, we didn't know where it wasn't really. Okay, well, but why would I do that then? And then they come back. Oh, we got like $500 for you. So then I call my manager. I go, fucking call them and jack it up.

I'm going to drive 80 miles round trip. Are there other artists, musicians and shit that are asked to work for nothing? yeah are there other artists musicians and shit that are asked to work for nothing so anyways i got on there and and you know end up getting money out of them so think about that for a second they call me and and unless i brought up money they weren't going to pay me oh yeah and then when i brought up money they admitted that they should you know and then they're telling me like they keep sending me this thing because they used a clip of me and I'm supposed to give consent last week. And I, you know, I wouldn't sign it until I see the check.

Until I have the fucking money in my hand. This is how I live my life. That makes me a dick. Fucking, I don't give a shit. Fuck you, pay me. Fuck you, pay me is exactly right. So the checks in the mail didn't come Friday. Fucking my agent, my manager's like,

will you sign? I go, who signed you on, motherfucker? Seriously. I'm going to sign this. They're going to fucking use the shit, and I'm not going to get paid. So today I get another text from my manager. They said, here's the check number. They put it in the mail today.

I go, that's funny. They said last week they put it in the fucking mail, didn't they? Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not a fucking sucker. Again, that's why I'm doing a radio show, my basement. I'm not a fucking sucker. Again, that's why I'm doing a radio show, my basement. Well, my whole fucking Louis C.K.-esque subject kind of connects with all this stuff.

And it's a little move that I kind of made. A Louis C.K.-esque what? It's a little Louis. I call these moves like when you go around the industry to make money. I feel like. I call it a Kennison move. Was Kennison known for that? Well, Kennison made Hollywood come to him.

He's one of the first guys I remember becoming big as a stand-up, you know, from the Rodney Dangerfield thing. Which I don't really consider that Hollywood. It's not TV, movies, or whatever. But that made him big, right? Right. Shit like that. Right. But he became big at the comedy store for his outrageousness and you know i mean he got a following a cult following right to the point where they couldn't ignore him right at least that's how i might be wrong with that but that's how i saw uh kinnison's career unfolding no that's a good point yeah i saw a documentary on him and yeah and they talk about when he

what did he curse on uh saturday night live yeah and then it was like a big on him, and yeah, they talk about when he, what did he curse on Saturday Night Live? Yeah, I think it was. And then it was like a big news story. Right. And then it was so big of a news story, they booked him again for the next week. The next week, not like six months later. Oh, really? Yeah, they had him do it again.

Because it wasn't like Dice Clay got in trouble and fired. Fucking Kinison. They were like, this guy breaking the rules they Seem to like it let's book him again Yeah so I mean this Isn't really like a move like that but It's kind of like Well it comes up because I was

I was I guess I was listening to Marin talk about Louis CK doing that new Show that you're on Horace and Pete Yeah Louis CK dot net If you want to it's like three bucks alan alda's in it no it was five oh we lowered it yes the second episode was like two dollars see me again just looking at pilots i know what the fuck is your problem i went on the website clicked on the pilot price but but alan alda's in it i'm we're talking edie falco steve bashimie

jessica lang i'm fucking you know yeah i mean i go to louis house at a table reads and you know and there's alan alda sitting there i'm sitting across mal and i'll hold an edie falco i feel bad for them i go how do you feel working with me must be fucking heartbroken god i have the wrong friends in show business what do you mean oh i see it's a friend all right not to do with talent but no what are you talking about who do you hang out with arty lang can't land you some shit we always say we always say arty's like the anti-entourage it's like they were having fun on tour arty's fucking unconscious in a room we're not even hanging with him there's no

fucking party here at all. It's just Artie fucking might be dead, and he's over there. That's the fucking our entourage. I remember working with Artie in Boston, and he was fucked up during the show. So was I a little bit. And we went out after, I think. I can't remember.

But we're walking back to the hotel at one in the fucking morning. I think we both got big sausage and pepper heroes, you know, eating like animals. And I go, all right. know he said he was going back to his room i guess he went out some more or whatever so i see him the next i go already where'd you go what happened last night did you go right back he goes i woke up because i woke up today there was a pizza box on my chest with one slice left and you know it's fucking true oh man yeah so i went on i went on his website and saw that i was like this guy who louie louie just made a show and just just made it available on his website with major actors in it and and he's charging the flat fee and i i knew there was a documentary about uh

tig notaro who did something where she connected with her fans and did shows like yeah or the fans and then i remember i remember hearing years ago this guy paul f tompkins who i started with did something where he was letting the fans uh kind put together shows, kind of. So I started thinking, because I had, I don't know if this is like a common email with you, but with me it is, where it's always a fan going, when are you coming to, like they always, when are you coming to Dallas? It's like the most popular email. And then I started thinking about it.

And this is where the idea originated which was a boston thing a woman only with a comedian does this happen not in like rock do you can you have the fucking performer on the phone 10 minutes after you watched him on tv right she watches a comedy central half hour she's with her eight girlfriends smoking pot laughing she emails me and says oh you were really funny like who some girl just a fan woman fan in boston how'd she get your email she saw my name and went to my website and then emailed me saying personally not you don't put your personal email on your website right uh you don't have like a business email uh no i just have one email

all right it's a difference it's still going right to you i mean it might have been talking Uh, no. I just have one email. All right. It's a difference. It's still going right to you. I mean, it might have been. No, what are you talking about? What's the difference? Fucking, she could, somebody could hack into your personal fucking email. What do you mean what's the difference?

It could be a thing about your doctor going, you got another STD, Joe? Fucking, yeah. She's got it. Not even hack in. What if you did a show everybody hated you? Yeah, they can email me. That's what I'm saying. Do you really want them to have access to you?

Oh, yeah. I love taking negative shit and making it positive. Good for you. Bill Hicks had a negative review in his first album. I remember. Well, I know. He used it as a press clip. Loved it.

That's different than what we're talking about. People could be emailing you every day telling you how much you fucking suck. It makes me laugh. No. No, no, no. No. No, no, no. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not this fucking time. No fucking way. No fucking way. No fucking way.

No fucking way, mate. All right. So back to the story. Yeah. So she emails me, says, really funny. My girlfriends and I were just watching you and we looked on your calendar it says you're going to be at motley's in boston and we're kind of it's not there anymore she goes we're going to come it's in two weeks and i'm bringing 50 people it's my 40th birthday i go ah 50 people yeah i go is she the town pump so i literally say to her i

go that kind of seal i feel bad saying this to you. I go, but I canceled that gig. It's not happening. I'm not performing there in two weeks. She's like, ah, fuck. It was my birthday party. And just for the heck of it, I go. Send me a picture of you in your panties. Well, where are you having the birthday?

And she's like, I don't know. We weren't going to really have it at a place. I go, just curious. Like, where do you live? What curious like where do you live what kind of place do you live in she goes i live in like a 3 000 square foot loft apartment in somewhere close to where left boston is that water what's that area called south boston right on the waterway yeah there's a hotel there yeah intercontinental maybe is that what the hotel yeah yes i stayed at that last time.

It's nice. Instead of the Westin. It was nicer than the Westin. Yes. Why, have you stayed there? Well, listen, this is how rich this lady was. She lived in a suite above the apartment building. What did she look like, Joe?

She was a good looking woman. She was married. I don't give a shit. She was married. I don't care. What did you do to her? She's divorced now. How long did you do it?

She's divorced now. Let me snip your fingers. I think she give a shit. She's married. I don't care. What did you do to her? She's divorced now. How long did you do it? She's divorced now. Let me snip your fingers. I think she's divorced now. I'm giving my shitty lines a laugh every time. She tells me she lives in this huge loft apartment. I go, you live above a hotel, right? She goes, yeah. I go, could you get like 60 little round tables and put tablecloths on them and set up like

candles on all those? She goes, yeah. What, in her hotel? In her house. In the hotel? She lives above the five-star hotel in her own apartment. So she has access to, you know, some of the shit that hotels have, which is tables and chairs. Oh, you're saying so maybe a function room downstairs?

No. In the apartment? I say, can you get those? In the apartment? Yes. Can you, I go, can you clear those in the apartment yes can you i go can you clear all the furniture out of one room this is why joseph yeah she goes yeah i can clear out the furniture it's just it's pretty a spread open you know thing no kidding yeah so she's hard she gets the tables gets the chairs puts the candles on i go i'll show up with a sound system and a little stage light. I have one. Yeah. And, you know, how much? I'll do the party for you.

So she gives me a really good price. I fucking come to her house. I get a local Boston guy to open for me. Tony Moschetto. Do you know Tony? He does like 20 minutes before me. She puts me up at the Intercontinental downstairs, which she probably got for nothing.

You did a show in a woman's condo. Yeah, but she had 65 people come all set. It looked like a comedy club. Dude, I'm telling you, I killed. We had this discussion. I'm sure you did. It went really well. And always in the back of my head, I started thinking,

is there a way to go to the fans? So I put this out on social media because all you people keep saying, when am I going to be here? When am I going to be there? I go, I got the idea. You're the producer. I said, find the venue. You find it.

I can ticket it. I can promote it. I've had this discussion. You promote it also. I go, you got to give me a, I'll go, I'll do a low guarantee. But, you know know the more you sell the more money we make you can add a fundraiser to the situation if you want it dude i i swear to god i got a fundraiser in the situation if you want to if you want to donate some money to

something you think that makes it a better event or make it three of your friends 50th birthdays i don't just slap a breast cancer awareness sign up. Fucking they'll come crawling out in this do-goody world. Dude, I had like 25 emails in two hours. I think I've already got four gigs booked. One lady in Florida goes, I think I could find you five nights in a row at different places. I'm like, I went to high school with her. I'm like, this is crazy.

So that's what I was talking to on the phone when I walked. Who did you talk to about this? A manager, a former manager. Yeah. The hard part is knowing what if they don't promote it and now you're fucked because you got this low guarantee and you can't buy a ticket to get. Locally, it works very easily because you just can go there and come home. No, it's good that you tie it in, though. The more money you make, they make. Yeah. I mean, that the whole thing then then then they'll work their ass off yeah you know because this going to clubs and doing five shows

it's the worst it's it's uh you know i'm called stanhope this is all he does you do brown paper tickets it's like a website they take i know there's surcharges on the tickets, so it's a little weird. But I tell the person who wants to do it, I go, if you make it a fundraiser, get people to donate food, alcohol. Now you can charge $50, $60 to get in. You could, you know... Why hack it up with the food and shit, though? It's like a comedy club.

I want them fucking listening to me on stage, not eating chicken fingers. Well, they don't eat while you're on. You have them eat before, and then you start. It's like a comedy club. I want them fucking listening to me on stage not eating chicken fingers. Well, they don't eat while you're on. You have them eat before and then you start. It's always a good idea. Load them up on heavy greasy food.

So you get a cut of the food and drink? No, I'm saying that can make whatever you're raising money for. I know what I want to get off of the ticket price.

I see what you're saying. And now you can get the rest. There won't be enough. Because it was all donated. Yeah. But isn't just having Joe Mattarese's name on the ticket enough to bring see what you're saying. And now you can get the rest. It won't be enough. Because it was all donated. Yeah. But isn't just having Joe Mattarese's name on the ticket enough to bring people out? They have to have fucking broccoli and chicken before the show? I don't know, unfortunately.

There's certain places. That's what's great about the podcast, what I'm loving. What? Is how you could click on the geographic, which you probably don't even know, and you can see your exact percentages of downloads in what cities and now you know no i don't know how to do that is you on libsyn yeah i'll show you how to do all right you will you'll see the percentage i found out i'm dude i out of all my downloads i figured out i had a 33 of my downloads in this coming from 10 minutes 10 minutes from

your house no weird i like that movie relatives we've we've traced your podcast they're coming get out of the garage joe there's 80 people in there listening no it was some weird some weird part of can not canada uh england i was what i think it's called melt welford isn't doesn't that blow you away i get tweets from england all the time. I'm like, could I be... Mate, you got to come over here. You'd fucking murder.

Yeah, you sit there and go, maybe I'm like, I have a fan base in these weird places. Yeah, they're called ISIS. I'm not going to fucking London. Fucking, they're ready to get... They get threatened 10 times a day over there. Yeah.

Well, anyone listen, if you have this, something you think You could be The little producer Involved in this idea Just tell them Like email me That goes for me too

I'm done with these clubs I'm looking at my Fucking dates In April I gotta go to Side splitters For five shows Which I've been there

A million times I love Bobby Jewel But I'm just saying Thinking about the radio And I get a pit In my fucking stomach This is one and done See ya

No I know I do have a one and done. See ya. No, I know. I do have a one and done the following week on April 9th. It's called the Woman's Club. That's just the name of the venue. It's like a 600 seat theater in Minneapolis. One and done. Can't wait to do that. But then I get a weekend off.

Then April 21 through 23, Doc the Grins in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Five shows. I mean, I think of it. I think of it. I get pains in my stomach and i run right to the bathroom i get anxiety thinking about doing these fucking gigs i gotta come up with a name for the tour that i'm where i'm coming to there i'll do somebody's basement and the following following week at Arlington Draft House. You see how I work my plugs into that?

Arlington Draft House, which I love. That's two nights. That's in Arlington, Virginia, 29 and 30 of April. I loved it. That's a good one. That's actually a hybrid of this idea. Right. Because they do movies and stuff.

That's right. Because someone else said to me they were doing some little, someone privately owned a movie theater and they were doing a show in it. I'm like, that's a perfect one if you can find like, a fucking movie theater is basically a big comedy club when you think about it. It's a theater. Right. It's better than a comedy club.

Yeah. You don't get better seating. It's theater seating. Yeah, it's perfect. The idea, folks, is for the rows to go up. You know, like in a movie theater, you know how you walk the back row a little higher than that's a fucking perfect seat for comedy i've done when when i started in boston one of the one nighters was an old old movie theater i can't remember on a suburb of boston and it was the first one i had ever done

and i went this is how it's supposed to be done you probably did the comedy factory outlet in philly or in your career that was another one it looked like a movie theater yeah they would do the popcorn they would all hand it down is that different than the electric yeah what was that the electric company electric factory electric factory was a bigger music venue that was that's mentioned in vinyl you know it is yeah one of the episodes it's they're at the electric factory. In Philadelphia? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm telling you, Joe, they mention your name in that episode. But they don't use the real band names.

They give them fictitious names? No, not true. They had David Bowie last night. Really? Yeah. They have a guy playing David Bowie? Unbelievable. Oh, that's cool.

I don't mean like a bad impression. I thought it was fucking, I go, is this like CGI to some shit? It was so creepy. Yeah. And Mick Jagger's kid is fucking great how many episodes in are they i mean this is like the fourth i want to catch it then i'm gonna i mean when i fall behind it really picked up it really did ray romano still is he good yeah hey what the fuck you're on my career hey he told me ray it's funny because like four or five months ago ray was in a comedy cell telling telling me about this but he goes um yeah i'm doing a project with scorsese and he told me that his character is gonna have a threesome or some shit and it's

funny because he's like a fatherly type of them yeah he's great ray's fucking great it's so funny to see him smoking on the show you know yeah how do you fake smoke I couldn't do it I don't smoke so I would you gotta be a method actor Joe you gotta sit down and get sick smoke a whole pack I guess you'd have to become a smoker kind of to fake smoking right what are you gonna say no I don't want to work with the New Yorkers I don't smoke no you would do it I'm saying

you can't fake it you have to become a smoker yeah you gotta yeah you gotta fight it's so funny my wife because my wife's a smoker not Yeah, you got to find... It's so funny, my wife, because my wife's a smoker. Not heavy, but she used to be. But when we watch it, we were just watching a movie, and she'll go, oh, that guy's not a smoker. Oh, she's not a smoker.

You can tell the way they hold a cigarette and they take a drag off. Yeah. Yeah. Eric Roberts in the Pope of Greenwich Village, the way he smokes. Do you even remember? No. You'd crack up if you watched. He looks like he's going to swallow the cigarette.

He does this move where the whole, like the cheeks, does anyone really smoke like that? Like all the way hard? Dizzy Gillespie. Maybe when a gay guy smokes a cigarette, you know, he's a fag. No, take it easy.

So to grassroots tour matter is 67 at gmail.com or just go on joematteris.com and you can contact me i'm fucking passionate about this idea i want to go i'm picking some places that i've always wanted to go and i've never been like i just throw them out there and you got some fucking fan contacts you the next day i'm trying to just got but you throw it out there where on your website on my podcast yeah and then you tell them to do what on your podcast go to your email yeah email me personally at some point you have to have a phone conversation and you start mapping it out yeah and uh this one mostly social media mostly facebook and twitter throwing the idea out there this guy contacted me me from Vancouver, a little small theater there in Vancouver.

Have you ever been there? I've never been to Vancouver. Oh, my God. It's fucking awesome. I did Ecstasy there with Stanhope. You know me. I'm not a drug guy. How funny is that?

I think I've told this story before, but this is Christ. It's got to be 12, 15 years ago. It was a nasty tour. Montreal, just for laughs. We went across Canada. And I think that was our last city, Vancouver. Was that the best part of all of Canada? It had to be.

It's a gorgeous city. It's fucking gorgeous. You know, it's a West Coast city. It's very cosmopolitan. A lot of beautiful chicks, except for our show, though. But Stan helps on stage, and he goes, hey, it's my birthday. Anybody got any fucking ex out there? Then he says good night he comes up stage some guy comes up like a white mohawk some kid still remember the kid looked like a fucking punk rocker

and he just gave it yeah and doug's like take it nick fucking take take i'm like fuck that i don't do that shit he he hounded me for like a half hour then i go give me that shit fucking there were two girls sitting at the fucking two best looking broads at our table and then i was like fucking you know ended up going back to the hotel and playing with my own balls that was my that was my experience on ecstasy did it feel good the girl had her foot under the table did it feel good huh did it feel good i didn't it felt i don't know it felt weird i i'm like like, I don't know. You're a guy that should never do drugs, I think. Well, it depends what kind of drugs. Watch vinyl.

You want to see me on Coke? Watch vinyl. That's you? That's me on a cup of coffee. My wife will fucking hide the coffee on me. I'm like Bobby Cannavale in vinyl, like Richie Finastri. After I have two cups of coffee, I'm like, what the fuck? Where are my fucking socks?

I got to get the fuck out of here I gotta fucking audition you motherfucker yeah I'm no I'm no fucking and then when I come down off the coke that's why I haven't done it

since the fucking 80s or 90s that's what I was gonna say early 2000s cause when I come down 2001 Adderall's like a 2012

like a shot it's like doing a shot of coke probably when you come down I feel that cause I if I went on a higher dose of it yeah overall is like a 2012 like a shot it's like doing a shot of coke probably when you come down i feel that because i if i went on a higher dose of it yeah the come down is is strong and severe i'm one of it's not so bad but i tried riddlin once with the higher dosage and was in such a fucking peppy mood and when it wore off it was it's the opposite screaming at my wife on the phone

fucking i was losing my voice i was yelling so opposite. I was screaming at my wife on the phone. I was losing my voice. I was yelling so loud. Why would you yell at that angel? What's this button do? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Ooh! Yeah! You just crystallized the actual...

Fight with your wife? Yeah, yeah. Spanked her? No, I just brought it back. Because I think we started to talk about it earlier. We said divorce and all that. Do you do Charles Barkley? Did I...

Do I do his voice? No. Oh. I know Joe Conklin in Philly does. Let me think. He is just a standard black. No, he's like trying to knuckleheads. Knuckleheads.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, knuckleheads. A little Southern. Why? Do you follow the Hoops at all? The March Madness? I'm not a fucking Hoops fan, but like I said, I get sucked in when it gets down to the Elite Eight or whatever.

This is the first year that I've been trying to watch it because Iona made it, and I've been going to the games because I live two minutes away. Iona? Iona made it, but they lost in the first round. No, but where's Iona? It's across the street from my house. What are you talking about? It's in...

It's in New Rochelle. Iona is? Yeah. You didn't know that? No, I knew it was somewhere in new york it's right it's right here is that like a is that like a branch uh campus that's not the main campus the main campus it's little and it has a small uh small basketball stadium they're always good though iona i mean really good they made it they played iowa iowa state just killed them

yeah and then iowa state i watched iowa State just killed them. Yeah. And then Iowa State. I watched Iowa yesterday. Somebody killed them. But it really is true, Joe, and that's why I hate basketball. I'm not going to sit there and watch two teams trade baskets for two hours before the baskets mean anything. This is what I did. I looked at the paper, the good matchups I want to see.

I looked at them where they were on TV, and just went, okay, it's like Kentucky and Indiana played it. They started at two, so it's about 4.30. It should be getting interesting. And that's how I fucking want it. And then I flipped to another one. That's true. It's a second half game. How do people – and I just don't understand it.

I don't understand how that's more popular than hockey. We've had this discussion. It's what you play as a kid. Obviously, more kids play basketball because, you know, hockey is brutally expensive. True. My friends all played hockey. We couldn't afford it. My parents couldn't afford to fucking let me and my brother play youth hockey and shit.

They used to go to bed. My friends would go to bed in their hockey uniforms because they had to get up at four. You had to get ice time when you could, this is the Bobby or where every rink was busy. It's similar now. My brother's son plays hockey, youth hockey. And it's just,

yeah, there it's always six 30, seven o'clock in the morning. And I, and I appreciate basketball and the athleticism I do. I pre because I'm a, I look, I'm an athlete.

I'm an athlete. I was an athlete when I was young, so I can appreciate all that. But, but I just, I it's fundamentally to watch two teams trade back. And then at the end, when it's supposed to get into string, and I've had basketball fans agree with me on this,

when it's supposed to be interesting at the end, with a minute and a half left, another team's down by five, now they're fouling on perp. Oh, that makes for some exciting fucking. It's the worst. It's the worst. The only reason. There are good games, though.

But the only reason I think i got looped in this year is because my son was playing basketball and a lot of the the lot of the after the games the coach would take him to these iona games and i'll be careful and i would go oh all right i was there all right and uh they had this kid aj english on the team aj english and what is he polish he was black all right i was being sick he was phenomenal he was the guard and when we went he broke a 13 he broke a three-point record so i was like fucking loving the guy why he shot 13 three-pointers in a game he had sounds like a fucking ball hog aj yeah he had 49 points nice going aj, AJ. So that's why Iowa, Iowa just did the obvious, which is like,

just fucking cover the fuck out. Yeah. Cover him. And you're fine. Yeah, exactly. Every other guy was average. How about Yale?

Yale beat Baylor in the first round. That was like the big upset. Yale was a fucking 22 seed. And Michigan state lost early, right? Yeah. Fucking Michigan state. Everybody had that. Tom Izzo. I don't know. I don't know. seed and michigan state lost early right yeah fucking michigan state everybody had them tom iso i don't know i don't know i'm trying to follow the philly teams that are left i think

villanova and st joe's might still be left uh joe follows a lot of the philly teams of sports his mother dated dave schultz back in the 70s and then uh gary dawnhofer and bob was that gary dawnhoff bob kelly battleship kelly yeah fucking love him dave schultz who else uh rick mccleesh rick mccleesh who was a bruin before he was a fucking flyer yeah he he was an average hockey player we trade him away he becomes a fucking 60 goal scorer the guy tough nut too it's the last time i gave a shit about hockey i have trouble getting into hockey i know you love you're gonna take the riddle i don't i don't i can't sit down and watch like winnipeg play toronto or something you know i mean i'll watch the bees but you can skate i bet a little bit i can't skate i played a ton of pond i went out for a year of jv hockey to stay in shape

for a spring track in high school it's the funniest thing ever it's suspended for fighting it is weird that you watch what you play you're right like if i stop like i golf and then i fall off a golf where i won't play that's because you grew up in a mansion but when you're playing golf it is fun it's there's nothing better than when you're playing golf and the masters comes on i mean i love it it's amazing my brothers uh played at every course in a country and you could i bet you could give a shit when the Masters are on. No, you know, it actually sucks me in. Does it?

Yeah. That's sad to me. I'm watching golf. I don't even golf. But I just like competition. That's why I like politics. You know? It's like politics.

You shouldn't like it for that reason, but it's like fucking blood sport. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, you know, it's getting ugly out there. Thanks to my boy Donald. I mean, I'm a ted cruz guy but donald i see the hate he's bringing out and the left it's showing who the real assholes are in this country the fucking people trying to shut down free speech and you're a white fucking male there's clips you should go online and google clips of women ugly fucking women with those

janine graffalo glasses nobody ever stuck a prick in them so they had no role in life and they take it out they just they're they're just bitter and they have no lives no social life so they throw their life into they make their cause their life they're ugly little troll like bitches and they just there was one somebody sent me on twitter everybody's watching it yeah i was on kumia's show last week and they showed it with all the ugly women slamming but this one's like a couple days ago oh it is yeah just slamming trump well she no she's just screaming at the guy with the camera you're a fucking white male you have no right to be here taking pictures of people of color and she just an ugly white bitch who i hope the fuck she dies in her sleep tonight people ask me why

i'm an angry guy that that type of woman has been around forever for me. Even when I was younger. I couldn't understand why a fat chick would be like fucking... But now, that's why... And Trump's a big doofus. I don't even know that I'm going to vote for him yet. I really don't. I'm undecided.

Me too. But I love the fact that he has said, fuck you, he's drawn out all these maggots, you know, these politically correct douchebags. And we see who the real racists are and the real sexists trying to shut down his rallies and shit. They're blocking the roads with their cars and shit. Who are the fascist fucks? Anyways, you're not into that shit. I'm not into it, but I...

Lucky you, by the way. I do. But it becomes like a blood sport but i do just hate people that that give a shit to the point where they're going to show just any just any rallies even like even a saint patty's day parade i don't understand i'm like i don't get it why are you here this is stupid i don't like any gathering of a lot of people i don't either i think i said that on the last show about parades. I never understood the attraction of a fucking parade. It's the worst.

Oh, my God. Standing on the side of a road and somebody goes by dressed like a turkey. What the fuck? That's terrific. Here comes the governor's float. The worst. I used to do a joke about a fat chick. I go, yeah, she won the governor's float.

Her nipples were made of 4,000 carnations or some shit. Oh, yeah, she won the governor's float. Her nipples were made of 4,000 carnations or some shit. The type of shit that, you know, people found offensive, even my second year in the business. I was in Wilmington, North Carolina last weekend, and a St. Paddy's Day parade broke out, like, right outside of where the hotel was. Some club down there called... You work every weekend, Joe?

No. No. Almost. There's a here and there where i'm like holy shit i'm off i usually fill it in with city spots and sometimes i go why did i do that i should have just took the weekend off i i like yeah no i like i didn't go in to the city last week and it felt great i don't know that i'm ever going to drive into the city again this will this will make you not want to because i had i had comic strip spots this past weekend because i was

supposed to be at the this yonkers club that was that's opening here this new club and they they had some plumbing issue the club didn't open right and they canceled my weekend right so i make nothing now 10 days before the gig now i make nothing yeah they sound a little messed up oh i make nothing so uh i was like all right so i gotta try to pick up some spots so dude i go in to the i forget you have you would lose your mind i go in friday night where to the comic strip yeah oh and i'm i'm i'm pretty i'm paying attention i'm not fucking i'm talking on the phone but i'm kind of paying attention yeah I get off of the uh the FDR and I hit I think I hit second avenue right to go south yeah all of a sudden I hear

like cars honking I think they're honking at me I go through a green light but it had a left arrow yeah where you were supposed to turn left yeah fucking cop comes over one of those two seconds where you just don't even bother fucking trying to talk your way out of it he just comes right over license registration yeah he went through to he went he did two seconds he's like yeah you went through you went straight through on the uh on the turn say give me license registration boom and he's just gone like no i can't even give an explanation what what did you do you had you were supposed to go left or no you're supposed to go left because you know there's two lanes and the left one's like I went straight. And you were in the left lane and you went straight.

I went straight. Oh for Christ's sake. I wanted to say because I feel like fighting it because I'm like New York City. Do you know how much shit is going on? It's on 125th Street. Yeah. No I did a bit about that. Oh I missed the fucking turn. What is your bit? Yeah. Well I say I mentioned in one of those I go yeah ISIS has set up

fucking it was Al Qaeda back then. Al Qaeda's setting up shop about three blocks from here, but you got me making an illegal left turn. Nice going. Yeah, that's true. You fought one. Did you beat it? Because I've never fought a city ticket. I fought like Westchester.

I didn't fight it. I had to go because it was my, oh, it was 21 miles over the speed limit. And that's, you have to go. Oh, God. That's like, in New york now that's like a 500 ticket so i went into fucking i had to go into fucking uh queens jamaica queens wherever the dmb and go in front of a judge and shit i didn't even know what i was doing they look at me he goes you want to make a play i just fucking whatever he goes you don't want to say anything so then i yeah i did i go i don't know no not really he goes the judge goes you're sure i go okay uh he's got me going 76 i looked on it was 67 i think i just made it up right there lying to the fucking judge and he knocked down two point he took it was supposed to be a four

point penalty knocked it down to two and knocked the money down a little for me showing up so i'm definitely fighting this i'm gonna say listen get good attorney. Nine people fucking honking their horns. I'm on 125th and 2nd in like the worst area. There's a thousand cars going all different ways. What am I fucking? No, I know. See, I'm bad with the references. Who's the Manning?

What am I, Mr. McGough? Road hog. Manning's known for fucking being great at like fucking switching the play 48 times in a three second. Oh, what are you doing an audible? Yeah. Like how he's, he reads the defense. Like that's what it's like. I'm like, ah, I'll go straight.

You play the cop. I'll be you. License registrations. Yeah. You went straight on that left turn only. And I need your license registration. Okay. And you should have said this. This is cut.

And then drove away. Made him chase you to the cellar typical comedian i went on stage with the fucking ticket in my hand i go i'm already down 30 oh yeah i'm making 75 i just got 100 i think it was only 100 because i googled it you can't even figure out what you owe in a new york city i know and they use a miniature golf pencil to write it in you can't fucking read it it's true it's fucking horrendous and uh you know you do i had to like if you don't want it affect the points on your it said no points when i googled it oh all right i gotta be wrong though i thought all moving violations have i did too especially in new york it's so fucking ridiculous but to avoid those points or to reduce them because i was at the limit like twice in the last couple of years. You take that the fucking online course.

I would have rather the points. It's so tedious. It's like a thousand. Yes, it's like a six hour thousand questions. You can't just and you can't. No, it doesn't allow you to. And when you read the fucking question, you have to sit there and they make you wait like a minute before you can answer it. So you can't just go through it.

Dude, I was I was one quarter into it. I almost started crying. I'd rather my insurance go up $2,000 and do this again. They figure out a way to punish you. It was horrendous. Can you break it up into two sessions? Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't have to do it all in one sitting.

No, you don't. But it took me fucking, I broke it into, I think it was three months. No, it took forever, man. They into i think it was three months no it took forever man they taught you i swear to god i would rather the points and paid the money how many points does it wipe out it knocks off like yeah it knocked off like three or something it was a situation where i would have got like if i got one more ticket they're taking my license situation now was it would you have uh that's what i going to say You would have got your license suspended That and I had a girl's head in my trunk

But that's beside the point That's two points, by the way They find a girl's head in your trunk in New York That's two points So the next night that I go into the comic strip This night I have two spots, right? But I got three and a half hours in between I have a nine and an 11.55

I mean, three what do you do joe what did you do so did you go see a nice howie mandel movie well this is i don't know if you've ever done this but you probably have this is what i i i've been saying this lately yeah we pay so much to live here in westchester for what because we're close to new york city right so in my head i went if i'm gonna pay this much to live near New York City, I would like to use New York City for some of its benefits. And one of them is they got unbelievable food there, right? So in between shows, I'm like, fuck it.

I'm treating myself. I went alone and had an amazing dinner. You went to Sbarro's. Got two slices like a loser that fucking comic that we are. No comedian would have done what I did. Most comedians would have. They would have got two slices and then sat at Starbucks. No, I'm with you.

And I've done what you've done. Go to a nice restaurant. Absolutely. I'm trying to remember the name of it. I'll help you out. It begins with an A, ends with an E, right? Applebee's. It was on 76 and 2nd.

I think it was called Avu, A-V-U. They have good- You've been there? No, that area, though. The Midtown on the east side has delicious restaurants. This is the 70s. That's not Midtown, really. Let's not get fucking-

Okay. What is Midtown, Joe? 50th Street? The Upper East Side used to suck, but I feel like it's in the last five years, it's got a lot of good restaurants. I lived on the Upper East Side for a couple years up in the 90s between like first and second but I would go

down into the 70s even back then now this is I'm talking 90s early 90s and it was always a great Italian restaurant that's what I was gonna I was gonna say it was hilarious that I'm looking on Yelp to see if it like where there's good places yeah I'm on I'm in the 70s in New York City on

the east I swear to God there were six places on one street one block oh yeah that got four stars or better and only in New York City usually you get like 80 reviews fucking 1490 reviews all four star I go in there to fucking this Italian bartender. He's like off the boat. I got the accent. Yeah He's got five women going at the bar. Yeah, this guy's gonna fuck three women tonight Yeah, and you know that guy was folks Tony Danza He was actually a blonde hair Italian dude and I got the veal I've had that. I got expensive wine.

I'm alone. I'm like, what am I doing? Well, I'll tell you what you're doing. I have a parallel story. Fucking because you're a suburb guy who lived in this city. Did you live in New York City for a time? I've never lived in Manhattan. I've lived in Hoboken.

I've lived in Astoria. I've always been around. There's nothing like it. I wish I did. And then when you get thrown out here in the woods with your fucking wife I went in to do horse and Pete last week right and instead of fighting rush hour traffic in the morning for my call time was always at like fucking nine I'd get a hotel room like I did the last time yeah you always do that yes that's a good move so yeah it's a good move I like that so uh Monday Tuesday night I'm laying on the bed and I'm'm like, I'm just going to stay in.

I worked out. I went and bought fucking Models and spent another $200 on gym clothes because I forgot my. This is the second time I've done this. If my wife ever did it, I'd fucking tear her ears off. Do you stay at the same hotel every time you do it? No, this is a different one. I stayed at the Wyndham or the New Yorker, they call it, right around the corner. Anyway, so I worked out.

I'm feeling good. I'm laying on the bed watching 9 o'clock i might as well stay in get a fucking by 10 o'clock my stomach's growling i'm starving i gotta go fucking get something to eat i walk by some fucking bar like on 35th street i see like you know two hot bartender girls let me quantify that girls and uh so i wander in there and people are watching politics. I have a fucking jack-on-the-rocks. I have another jack-on-the-rocks. I have a third jack-on-the-rocks.

Then I have a fourth jack-on-the-rocks. Now the bartender, the girl goes, she recognizes me, fucking stunning Irish chick, fucking yapping me up. It's like a, they're like, it's like a titty bar. When you sit with a hot female bartender. They play it for you, you know? It's true. And then there were some other people there that I started drinking with. We go across the street.

Cut to me. It's 2.30. We go across the street to an Irish bar. What? I get a 9.15 call from Louie's show. I fucking have a couple of vodka tonics over there. Dude, I am fucking staggering. Yeah, I was going to say say that's staggering this is like

peter o'toole shit when he did broadway i go back to my fucking room at fucking i don't know 4 30 can you man and i mean i am i am like this how shit face i was i get off the elevator make a right quick left i can't find my room for like a minute two minutes i go what the fuck am i on the wrong floor i got off i went the wrong way On the elevator Do you ever think You might be in the wrong hotel I've actually Oh fuck yeah Oh yeah

That's the worst feeling That's how drunk I was I lay my head down On the pillow Fuck it It seemed like 30 seconds later The phone's ringing

Wake up call I sit up I thought I was gonna Puke blood My head's just Pounding I gotta do It's a shoot day

It's a shoot day I hope you guzzled Like a gallon Of the $12 water I didn't do... It's a shoot day. It's a shoot day. I hope you guzzled like a gallon of the $12 water sitting in the room. I didn't do that. You know... You got to. Hey, that's my phone. I forgot to put it in the other room.

I didn't do that. Hello? You're going to show me how to take calls. It's very easy. I didn't do that. It's called Skype. No, I can't do that during the show. I can't Skype during the show.

You have to have a second computer. Yeah, exactly. And that's not going to happen. Or a smartphone. Or your phone. I know. There's a thing that you can, whatever. Anyways, I show up at Louie's.

I got my head down on the bar. You know, I'm doing a big scene. In between takes, I got my head on the bar. But usually when you go in. Shitting battery acid. Usually when you have a 9 a.m. call time, like, it's really like fucking 1 in the afternoon. Not with that. They were like, boom, go.

Not with that fucking show. Really? You get there. You don't go boom the minute you get there, but yeah. Matter of fact, I'm calling. I'm in the green room calling to do radio for the Minneapolis gig. Tom Bernard show. I'm plugging it.

And they come in and go, you need it on this while I'm fucking doing radio to plug. I'm multitasking, folks. And it still ain't get me anywhere, you fucking sister's ass. I like the work ethic. Huh? I like the work ethic. I'm trying, though. I'm trying.

You know what? If I saw a fucking ad for McCann Shoes, mid-level manager, I might fill it out. Fucking had enough of this shit. Tom McCann? Ooh, I'm going to do a couple lines in a De Niro movie. Tom McCann shoes, mid-level manager, I might fill it out. Fucking had enough of this shit. Tom McCann? Ooh, I'm going to do a couple lines in a De Niro movie. Tom McCann shoes? Whatever. Fucking Busta Brons.

That brings me back. Where do your kids get shoes? Stride right. Stride right. Anyways, or let's wrap this up. You get a kid, you got to pick up the bus stuff. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What time does your kid get out of school? 3.30, the bus is right fucking there. Yeah, you don't want Father O'Toole pulling up with an erection in a fucking trench coat. Yeah, man. Joey, so go see Joe. Joe Mattery is very funny. Laugh Boston this weekend, folks, in Boston. Come out, Boston.

Huh? Come out. I'm sure you must have a big listenership in Boston. I don't know. I don't know how to break it down. I'm going to show you how to do that. You're going to show me how to do that. Can I...

All right, I want to plug that grassroots tour thing that I can come to you. Mattarese67 at Gmail. Email me. And also this donation thing that I'm doing. If you go to JoeMattarese.com,

there's something called Patreon on my website where you can be a donator. It's kind of like being a subscriber, but it's different because you, that's weird, but you donate. There's all different levels

and you get different free things for your different monthly donations to me. JoeMatteris.com. Very good. And I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa March 31st through April 2nd. I already did this. Women's Club,

April 9th in Minneapolis. Dr. Grin's, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 21 through 23 of April. And Arlington Draft House. Just heard good stuff about Grand Rapids. Can I finish my plugs? Thanks. Arlington Draft House, April 29 and 30. And if you want more of the Nick DiPaola podcast,

go to connectpal.com slash Nick. Connectpal.com slash Nick. I don't know if I'm doing a show tomorrow because I got to go into this comedy cellar dinero movie thing. But anyways, I'll do a couple more by the end of the week. You know that. And I'm trying to lose some weight. What else? I had one other thing I wanted to.

Go to Nick at NickTopalo.com too. And I will be doing the same thing as Joe. If you want me to come your hometown, you guys hook me up. You do the promo. We'll make a nice deal. Yeah. Just as long as you have five,

uh, Jack and Jack and, uh, on the rocks. Is that what it was? Jack on the rock. I gotta be drunk to do that. No,

just saying what better Nick at Nick to Paulo.com. That's how you, that's how you that's how you spice up the pot for these gigs you you fucking get wasted with them afterwards they're like yeah i can't yeah okay i'm not gonna turn it to stand up and uh nickdip.com for all your needs and tour dates connectpal.com slash nick for to subscribe to my podcast. That's it. Thank you so much, Joey. Thanks for having me again. Good seeing you again. I love it.

And have I covered it all? I think I have. Anything else, Joe? I'm looking for my out fucking music. I'm trying to think of what else I was going to plug. One more thing. No, I think you plugged it up. At the Joe Matterese Twitter.

There you go. All right. Facebook, I'm streaming videos left and right. All right. What the fuck? Enough already. Jesus H. Christ. Ron Poliquin.

I just wanted to say your name there, Ron. I just said a guy's name. He's on my Twitter thing. Is that your friend? He loves you. Yeah, he's one of my friends, too. Yeah, he's a good Twitter guy. All right. name there, Ron. I just said a guy's name. He's on my Twitter thing. Is that your friend? He loves you. Yeah, he's one of my friends, too. Yeah, he's a good Twitter guy. All right, take care, kids.

We'll talk to your black nipples later. See you later. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else Good day, everybody. I love everybody But I don't want to be destroyed guitar solo I'm out.