The Nick DiPaolo Show - 127 - Guest: Robert Kelly

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Guest: Robert Kelly

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. A little mood music. I have a guest in the house. I like to play with these buttons, Bobby. It's a guy finding his horse in the bed. Over spirit and his car That's what I do Robert Kelly, folks, is in the house The founder of Riot Cast, by the way

Him and Rob Sprance I thought there was a guy getting it in the butt for the first time Anyways, how are you? Tom Sizemore with a couple chicks Oh, for Christ's sake He hits them, doesn't he? Remember that video they had? No You don't remember that? What am I, a Sizemore with a couple chicks. Oh, for Christ's sake. He hits them, doesn't he? Remember that video they had? No.

You don't remember that? What am I, a Sizemore fan? You don't like Tom Sizemore? I like him. Oh, he's one of my favorites. He likes to smack his girls around. I know that much. Tom, are we talking about the same guy?

You're talking about the guy with the father in the Brady Bunch, right? No, no, different guy. Tom Sizemore, yeah, the fucking drinky, druggie, tough guy actor. Yeah, he was in, I mean, different guy. Tom Sinesboy. Yeah, the fucking drinky, druggy, tough guy actor. Yeah, he was in, I mean, fucking everything. What do you mean, girls and guys? He's a thug. He punches women. Am I going to get in trouble for laughing at that?

No. I liked Sinesboy. I loved him in Private Ryan. He's a good actor, man. He's a great character actor. He's a crazy dude. Great character actor And then

Allegedly hit women I mean he was He was always in a paper For getting In like brawls With his girlfriends and shit He was with two I don't know the facts sir

Two hookers And they One of them had a strap on And he And this video of him Taking it And he's screaming Like you've never heard

A guy scream before Oh I've heard that So And it's very similar To have never heard a guy scream before. Oh, I've heard that. And it's very similar to have a horse's head in your bed. Hey, I'm going to do this before I forget. You guys, if you like the show, you hear this on iTunes. This will be up Monday, the free one, the one that everybody hears. But if you like the show, you want two to three more a week,

go to connectpal.com slash Nick. Connectpal.com slash Nick. It's $3.99 a month. That's a buck a week. If you can't afford that, you're either fucking homeless or a loser. I don't want you as a fan. But if you can't afford it, buy, you know, throw it my way because my wife needs a new horse. So Tom Sizemore, it was getting, a girl had a strap on you mean she had uh yeah she two two girls i think it was two workers in his uh

druggie days and uh i don't know oh it's an old clip it's an old clip and he shut that goddamn phone shouldn't you know as a comedian yeah no i should i really am just an asshole i'm one of those fucking soccer mom cunts in the crowd um yeah he uh yeah he took it she had a strap on and fucked him in the butt and the sound from him getting fucked in the butt is so amazingly painful it's just i would think so yeah i know but if you're getting fucked in the butt for the first time when you use like a maybe maybe a dildo? Wouldn't you go with it or pick it out?

Well, here's where you and I differ. There would be no first time for me. I take a big dump and I'm fucking sitting on the couch in my robe for a week rubbing ice on my ass. I can't imagine. I mean, Jesus Christ, no. You fucking. Bob Kelly, I think he's an experimental guy sexually and he just he's been keeping it under wrap you know by the way let's talk about a little resume he's on a great show

called sex drugs and rock and roll you guys know right obviously uh with dennis larry and uh he just pulled into my house my driveway and a fifty thousand dollar range rover well it's a ford a ford uh ford edge sport sport it is it's 48 it's a good look at i was only kidding oh it is you are making some good dope faking the drums on that show he actually plays the drums in this show he just showed me a clip on his phone of him playing he has to actually play the drums i have to learn my lines and i have to learn the songs on drums and but they have a drum double that they used a lot last year i know mickey dollins yeah right i look just like him um but they uh this year they actually i was so happy the first song that we did yeah um

they didn't use them they were like yeah we don't need you he got it but i actually played the song which is fucking great say that again i missed the setup there's a guy who will come in if i can't get a fill or if i fuck up and i can't play the song right that particular yeah because well there's nothing worse than watching a show with a band and the guy's off and the guy's on the fucking hi-hat and the song is listening to him like a buddy rich now you know guys on the hi-hat And the song is playing Listen to him I'm talking to Buddy Rich now You know what I mean The guy's on the hi-hat

Yeah It's fucking Doesn't that annoy you That fucking takes me right out You think I would notice The guy could be sitting on the hi-hat Dangling his feet I wouldn't fucking know

But I did notice watching you Because I You're a friend of mine A comedian friend And I'm watching the show So I was And when I went to your house For your kid's birthday party

Yeah The one time that I came in Didn't circle the house and go Oh god that was fucking crazy But no you told me That you had to learn the drum I saw the fake drum set In your bedroom or whatever

And I go you can fuck And you said yeah I gotta learn to play the drum That's actually And you do a great job Watching the show That's a $10,000 Roland drum set Now who

You didn't buy that yourself Dennis did right No You didn't I'm on cable TV, dude. The fuck does that mean? That means I'm not me. Dennis has 17 horse farms.

He does have a lot of, he has a lot of horses too. He could buy you those drums for your kid's birthday. He's got horses. And the guy, John Corbett on the show, he's married to Bo, with Bo Derek. And they have horses too. What's up with fucking, as soon as white people get rich, they get horses. Um, I have a horse, singular. This is how it's going to end.

If it has one more ankle injury or whatever, I'm going to fucking pull her. You know what? Like they did on the Sopranos. Why? Did you get hurt? My horse got hurt. It's not mine. It's my wife's. I'm afraid of horses horses i sat on it for a second i said get me down like a little kid she fucking she blew her knee out on the horse but anyways we digress we'll get that today uh yeah so you're playing the friggin drums yeah i had to learn well

here's the thing is that when I got the part I figured I was going to audition and I figured there's a bunch of other comedians Michael Chiklis is an amazing drummer is that right Billy Burr is a Philly can play he's like an AC DC playing with AC he's incredible he's a really great drum he's been drumming since you know 25 years still do it yeah all the fucking time I didn't know that about Billy. And Jimmy Norton plays the French horn, right? Speaking of Tom Sizemore. I was like, fuck it, I got to learn how to play the drums. Because if that's why I don't get it, it's going to suck.

And then I wound up getting it. And then we're doing press and Dennis is like, I wrote this part for Bobby. I was like, you wrote this for me? Like literally at the press event. I'm like, he's like, yeah, I wrote it for you. I go, I go, and you just assumed I'd fucking learn drums. And he's like, yeah, you did. Didn't you?

You fuck. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I did. But that's a pretty big assumption two boston guys yeah he is definitely a boston guy but yeah i mean impressive man because i watch it and i go because i think i said to andy i go no he when i went to his house he had fucking drums that he had to learn on yeah you just think i don't know what today's cgi they drop in a fucking buddy rich's hands On your body or something

I think they spent all that money when they did the flashback And they had to thin me out They did I remember I was They had to put a wig on me And thin me out And I remember when I looked at the poster I go, I thought you were going to thin me out. You're going to use CGI.

Because they did on Dennis' wrinkles and John Corbett. Ooh, secrets we're getting, folks. Well, because fucking Dennis looks like every lesbian comedian out right now, right? Yes. I thought it was Tig Notaro's mother. We'll get to Dennis in a second. I don't know what I did to piss him off. But he was like, yeah, we use the CGI. his uh mother so we'll get to dennis in a second i don't know what i did to piss him off but uh

but he uh yeah he he was like yeah we use the cgi they thin my titties out and i still look fat they thinned them out and put a wig on them the same shit they're doing with hillary for the campaign that fat cunt anyways you're not voting for hillary uh i don't like girls that have ankles like clydesdales and the fucking face of a fucking French bull master. So you vote for Bernie? Yes. I'm going with Bernie. You really are. Is that really what you think, Mike?

You know me, for Christ's sake. There's nobody right wing enough out there. Well, coming down your street, everybody's fucking voting for Bernie up here. Why? Did you see signs? Oh, yeah. I'll pull those fuckers out tonight. No, you can't do that.

I didn't see any. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. Coming down this fucking white. Okay. And I love that you said that. I didn't even notice. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. Coming down this fucking white person. Okay. And I love that you said that. I didn't even notice that.

Yeah. Okay. That shows you how dumb these fucking people are. These real fucking left wingers. They're voting for fucking Bernie Sanders. Okay. He's a socialist. But they live up here in this Tony Westchester County. So that means they're for a property right.

Private property rights. Which makes him a fucking anything but a socialist. You understand? Yeah. Westchester County. So that means they're for a property right, private property rights, which makes them a fucking anything but a socialist. You understand? Yeah. What Bernie stands for is, you know, completely opposite. Yet these idiots have Sanderson in front of their nice Westchester houses. Dubs.

I love all the middle acts that I work with that are Bernie Sanders fans. Of course. Then you ask him anything about his policies and they don't know shit. I'm going to pay you what I paid the emcee then. Yeah, there you go. There you go. How's that?

There you go. I said about Bernie Sanders, I don't know if you, a couple months ago, they talked about how he wrote back in the 70s. He tried to write some erotica for some magazine in the village. And he said that when a woman's having sex with her husband

and she's actually imagining fantasizing about being raped by three guys at once I go that's how you know he's a hardcore socialist even in his rape fantasies we have to share the pussy equally between three guys take it easy he's a fag

I don't mind this is what I like about Bernie though because he's authentic he's a real dude very authentic and he sticks to his fucking guns and I don't know I love that he's not getting any money from these pieces of shit neither is Trump I mean look Trump absolutely but he's we don't really

know that he's getting money from somewhere he must he doesn't need it he's a business man he doesn't have to that. He's getting money from somewhere. He must be. He doesn't need it. He's a businessman. He doesn't have to. I guarantee he's not spending his fucking nickel, his whole dime. Well, no, there'll be, no, but the point is he's not getting the super PAC money. Yeah. But yeah, no, you're right.

I mean, he's had to work the system, I'm sure. Oh, he's getting something somewhere. But come on, fucking, you can't afford to do, we're not going to get into heavy politics. You can't afford to do what Bernie's promising. You can't afford to fucking, you know what I mean? That works in a country where there's 300,000 people. Everybody can be on the dole. Not with 330 million people.

It's fucking silly. But people just. Do okay. Yeah. We're fucked. We're fucked. But your boss, Dennis Leary, I don't know what. What?

I used to have a cozy relationship. They used to call me every year to do comics, come home and shit and then i think i pissed them off during a comics come home thing or something i don't know something just i get a cold feeling from them guys what'd you do i don't know you know i'll probably just be my cocky self and one of the fucking guys driving us complained or something i i don't know. Really? I just get a weird. The reason I say that, because I remember doing the last one I did. Not the last one. We did one down in Philly one year. It wasn't even comics come home.

But it was me, Lenny. Were you on that show? We did something in Philly. No. And fucking Robert's addicted to his phone. I'm not. I'm shutting it off. Everybody's calling me.

But I remember Lenny. I was I go I'm leaving I had to leave before the show was over and he goes Nick say goodbye To everybody and I was like what did that mean Well you know what it is though I don't think there is anything because Every time your name comes up Because I love fucking dinner And I tell you I actually wouldn't tell you

Completely on air but I think Every time your name comes up, it's always good. And that thing you did with Amy Schumer last year, I remember them talking about it, like in conversation. Really? I would love to hear. See, Dennis had a show called The Job on ABC years ago. Yeah. And I auditioned for it, and I had a horrible audition.

I was nervous because it was dennis yeah you should and because i didn't want to um because i knew him and i didn't i don't know i put extra pressure on myself yeah knowing i wanted to do a good job and i and i just had a bad audition well that happened to me too dude i i i did an audition for dennis remember project green light yeah i auditioned for them and I was I I had I had did the job I'm not the I did one episode of the job I played a Puerto Rican guy or yeah I remember that right I come in and I'm like oh I know these guys I love these guys these are the guys I want to work with and I I went to some acting class and they were like you know if there's a basketball in this bring a basketball or if we bring something to do

Have business For the audition? For the audition Bring a prop? I fuck up I bring a can of nuts Mixed nuts Alright

So What? What was the audition for? It was an audition for Fucking cashews? I had to give a speech I had to go It was like an improv type of speech

So I go up And I I They go You ready ready i go yeah so then i take the nuts out while you're doing it i open the nuts and they're waiting for me to start and then i start throwing nuts in my mouth but i'm nervous because i know the nut thing isn't playing yourself in the eye i start throwing i threw too many nuts in my mouth. Wait a minute, that's not the first time I've heard that from Bob Kelly. So I start, I have a mouth full of nuts. And I do this audition, and I'm just chewing. Are we back to Tom Sizemore scene? Right.

So you're chewing nuts. Chewing, chewing, chewing. And the audition's going forever. Oh my God, what the fuck are you thinking? And Tom Silletti and Serpico are just staring at me. At the end of it, they're just looking at me. Then they look at each other. They go, that's great.

Hey, can you do it without the nuts? Did you go back to your acting coach? You go, hey, you dumb fuck. It was some other fucking broad I went to, which was a mistake. My acting coach is awesome. He's from Boston, Pete Kelly. He's fucking great.

This lady, I went outside. I punched the building. I went outside. I punched the building. I went outside and fucking punched the building. I was just so mad that I fucking did this. So we're on set last week. Yeah. And I'm tanking it. I just don't got it.

Like I something. I was literally just staring into space. You got a baby at home. You got a wife. And you're baby at home, you got a wife and you're probably thinking about you. I fucked up, right? I'm fucked up.

So the next scene I go to, I'm sitting there, there's a big can of nuts in front of me. They go, here's a prop you can use, some business. I was like,

go fuck yourselves. But no, I don't think they know. I'm not a good auditioner and I'm still not and i hear people who are famous actors say that then i feel like oh how'd you get the fucking um julie louise dreyfus whatever name she says she's a horrible audition i hadn't heard and somebody some guy actor i just heard say the same thing but um but you get stuff now because they know

i've done enough you gotta land something to get your foot in the door. Louie. Well, yeah. No, I can act now. Yeah. I mean, you know, enough. I just saw the thing you, Dan Soder and Michelle Wolf's thing you did. Have you seen the Horace and Pete thing with Louie?

That's the best work I've done, I think. Horace and Pete was fucking great. I only saw one episode, the one you were in, and I saw the thing with Dan Soder and Michelle Wolf that you did. Yeah. That was fun. Which was actually funny, man. It was really fucking good. No, I'm hoping that thing gets picked up because I would love a little Comedy Central juice.

You know what I mean? I love Comedy Central. To pull those kids back in. I love Comedy Central. Yeah. Those shows. Those are great. Yeah.

They shoot them fast, quick, and fucking easy. But I mean, as far as the demographics of fans i would like that you know do you really want young kids at your show uh let me retract that bunch of young liberals that's all i want from comedy center i feel so bad in you and that fucking movie. Yeah, so I just feel like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

No, I don't think so. Maybe not. Look, I imagine a lot of shit, trust me, but I just felt they got cool to me. Well, I didn't do shit for them. I did the job, and I thought when I did the job, they would ask, I'm a comic. I'm from boston how many episodes did you i did one episode yeah on september of 11th the first day of shooting was the day the planes went you're kidding me we're in the jersey shore that was supposed to be miami

and they did they actually got palm trees and Are you hearing this, folks? Could you make that up? Yeah. They bought palm trees. They get palm trees. You go, ooh, they must be in Miami. Then a sanitation truck goes by. We're too greasy Italian. That is too funny.

I remember I was in my trailer. Yeah. And I kept the door open. That's where you were when you heard about this? Yeah. And I remember these hot, smoking hot extras for the pool scene. Guys or girls? Girls.

And both. But they... Like Robert? They're walking by. Yeah. And I kept my trailer door open. And I would say... What did you wear there?

I was fucking smoking hot. Hair, too. I had hair. No, you didn't. Yeah. In 2001, you had hair? I had hair No you didn't Yeah In 2001 you had hair? I had hair dude Did it get blown off by the buildings?

I wish I had a button Excuse me You should see the episode I'm gonna watch it Guys Google it Put Robert Kelly on the job Yeah And then I remember The girl was walking by

And I went And she went She came back and she goes what I go did you say something She's like I thought you said something I go oh no She's like oh this is nice You want to come in

You sucked her into the fucking dressing room. You did some blah, blah, blah, blah. I just went, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And she went, huh? And I went, did you say that? And all of a sudden, she's in my dressing room. And she's in a bikini.

And she's just fucking retarded hot. But she had that goofy face, which I like. You know what I mean? Who cares? She's in a bikini halfway there. And then she hung out for a little while then she went in to do her scene yeah and then the bill the planes hit the building and i was listening to howard stern at the time and i was like oh i thought it was a joke and you

were in jersey injured on the jersey shore then they come to us to go look you can't get back to the city uh if you have a car you should go back if't, we're going to put you up in a motel. And I was like. Holy fucking moly. So they put us all up in a motel, but they go, you have to pair up. We don't have enough rooms. Oh, come on. Are you going to tell me the worst day in the history of this country turned into the best day for their young Robert Kelly?

So I pair up with this girl. You got to be shitting me. Listen to me, brother. I pair up with her and we share a motel room together. This is what it takes, though, for Robert to get laid. We have to have a World War III incident. Are you fucking kidding me? So we were watching.

It was terrible. We're watching this footage. I mean, it was a fucking mad. I would have still. I would have shut the TV off and said, take off your panties. Never mind that. Well, she took off everything and was in bed.dening night. I would have shut the TV off and said, take off your panties. Never mind that. Those are 30-hour people. Well, she took off everything and was in bed.

She sleeps naked. What actress does it? So she's... Judy Goh. Jeez, I've got to make sure the time is right. When did I get married? You're not on the oath here. Make it up.

I'm married. And there's a date. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. He has to get the timeline. Well, that's sort of a good time marker, 9-11. You might, you didn't know if you were with Don then or not. I think this is, okay.

This is when I was a piece of shit. This is before we were married. You weren't a piece of shit. You were a single guy. Well, we were dating. Me and Don were dating. Yeah, well, you know what dating means? We were dating and we weren't together together

Right We were a little out of it So Oh my god That's so funny You had to do that I remember she Yeah we weren't even together

We weren't even in New York yet So I remember she She goes I can't We can't have sex And I go Fuck I was

We were kissing She goes But you can do this And she took cream And she put it in her ass cheeks and she goes, just come here. And I go, what? Bob Levy fan?

She wouldn't fuck you. If this isn't a broad's mind, but she put cool whip in her ass crack. She put some cream in her butt. Don't tell me she pulls out a thing of fucking fresh cherries and grapes. No. She let me, she grabs me, puts me on top of her and grabs my penis

and lets me let's me fuck her butt cheeks. Like a titty fuck? You're kidding. But her butt cheeks. What a waste of whipped cream. It was great. It was... Are you serious?

It was... How do we find out what this girl looks like today? I don't know. She was an extra back then, so I don't know what she's doing now. But she was smoking. Dude, her body, her butt was just such a fucking amazing ass. Yeah, because she was probably 20 years old, right? 21? She was smoking. Dude, her body, her butt was just such a fucking amazing ass. Yeah, because she was probably 20 years old, right? Yeah.

21? She was so hot. And you probably still use that. Let's turn into the Stern show. You probably still use that. Oh, my. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That visual.

I just remember that. And I remember, oh, God, I remember finishing. And she just turned back to me. Finishing what? The topping? And she took care of it. She didn't even like, she said, I got it. And she she took care of it she didn't even like like she said i got it and she just took care of it and then we went to sleep well and what's funny about that the backdrop is 9-11 all this shit

oh yeah the fuck the tv's on it just was a repeat of planes hitting buildings but how horrible is life where you have one of your greatest moments you're literally licking whipped cream out of a 20 year old asshole and some people are jumping from 109 store that if that doesn't sum up with this fucking horrible it was fun it was bad it was really sad and i think i that we you know we kind of me and this girl were like fuck is this the end of the world type shit like oh and if it was the end of the world It doesn't make sense that she just let me Fucking fuck her butt cheeks No she should have went all crazy Is what you're saying right?

If it was the end of the world You gotta write a bit about this The fact that she didn't like fucking let you do the crazy shit To her thinking She's thinking it might be the end of the world She should have been like fucking You know peeing in your face And you should get her in a headlock We should have got the key grip next door and the fucking best

boy let him watch at least something like that get it down on film use it for an audition well here's the funny part so i do the job going back to the actual top i do the job and i'm like oh my god and there's this other guy that does a smaller part but he's in the show too and he's good looking kid and i'm for her no no no no it wasn't ever and he had a big okay so i'm like oh my god this is the and your brain goes and you should never let your brain go you should just whatever part you get fucking end it move on get another part and if it comes because i'm like maybe they'll have me as a recurring guy or luis be a cop. Well, I was kind of hoping. Yeah.

My little Sopranos, my two lines as a cop. I'm like, he's a dirty cop. I'm reading into it. Why wouldn't he be around the Bing all the time? You do it all the, it's a bad habit to do because the guy who was the side guy. Yeah. He wound up being one of the main guys on Rescue Me. I remember watching the show going oh my god that's

the fucking side guy in my episode the side guy from my episode wound up being a main guy in rescue me for fucking eight years now why do you think that is dude it's just dennis liked him dude he did something or he came back in and auditioned on the right day. And they, oh, you're from, oh, yeah. And I didn't. Oh, I don't. I know. It'll make you nuts.

But I tell you what, though. Dennis, there's certain guys. Adam Sandler. There's certain guys that, and even Chris Rock and Louie, they take their fucking friends with them. And Leary's one of those guys. He didn't do it for me. Well, he did for a lot of people.

That's how bad my audition was. A lot of people. That's what I'm saying. I'm not blaming Dennis. That's how bad I was, even as a friend. But my point is this, is that, you know, look, I thought the same thing. Like, oh, shit, I'm from Boston. I'm a comic.

What'd I do? But here I am years later, i'm all a rescue me i didn't do one episode not one and here i am years later and now i'm on a show with them so you just have to be i know you can't and you can't expect it i i don't take it for granted that like louis uses me and shit but you gotta also deliver when you get the shot that's the other thing people don't give you credit for it's like you could be blood brothers if you suck they're not gonna fuck he's not gonna you're doing horace and uh or some pete horse and pete yeah i i i'm not i'm i watch that and go fuck i would love to do that yeah well you're on sex drugs and rock and roll and you're in every

episode i know no no i i but you have to it is you have to put it in perspective like i remember doing louis and he asked me to do one little line, and then it was another one, and then it was another one. All of a sudden, I was in an episode, and I was like, holy shit. Like, this is the greatest shit ever. And then you're not in for two seasons, and people are like, well, what's happened? It's like, dude.

That's how it works. But I want to tell people, shut the fuck up. Because I don't want Louis to hear. You know what I mean? It's like, I'll be in something when Louie puts me in something. Right. I love what he puts me in. And if it's anything or nothing, stop fucking with it.

And you delivered. You were good on it. So again, forget when TV or movies, you know, they write characters. You have to be, if you don't fit the character description or whatever. Yeah. You know what I mean? They don't fit the character description or whatever, you know what I mean? They'll use you for something they think you're appropriate for. And it's too, when I work with Louis and even Dennis too and Serpico,

but when you're working across from Louis or with Louis in a scene, he makes you so much better. You know what I mean? He really fucking pulls it out of you. What surprised the shit out of me? I never thought he had any intentions on being an actor. Yeah. He was always the guy behind the camera

writing the shit. I almost shit. Like when, even when he did Lucky Louie on HBO, I go, I never knew he wanted, he would aspire to be an actor at all. And he's good.

It surprised the shit. Now he's really good. He used that as like a practice. The Lucky Louie, there was some, he'll tell you, he was very green as an actor. But I mean, knowing him that good, I almost shit my pants.

I go, this guy wants to be like a leading guy? It's weird, right? He can do everything. Everything. You know who's fucking directing half of the episodes of Sex Drugs? Let me take a guess. Don't even tell me. Is it somebody, a comedian?

Jim Serpico. Oh. The producer? Okay. You know, who, Jimmy's part? He's directing now? take a guess don't even tell me is it somebody a comedian jim serpico oh the producer okay you know who uh jimmy's he's directing now dude he's fine he directed marin last year uh a couple episodes then he had his own pilot uh his own show he's a showrunner on uifc network for benders which him and tom saletti wrote and then he now he's directing half the episodes this year so he's fucking directing now which is and he wasn't even jim serpico that's dennis's partner at apostle pictures he wasn't even in show business before apostle pictures right he was or i might be wrong there he was no he he's a fucking trumpet player a trumpet play a he's a jazz trumpet player him and his dad okay are you

serious absolutely and then he uh he was dennis's assistant became his partner now he's a the uh producer and now he's director yeah that's called stick-to-itiveness yeah something i never had i jumped from job to job. No, you didn't. The moral of that story is I should have stayed with a trumpet. Did you have a trumpet? Yes. So, I mean, back to the, I don't think that.

It's just like, like even Louis. It's like, I can't, Horace and Pete, I can't. I watch it and I'm like, oh, it's fucking awesome. And you never know. Like 10 years from now, he might be like, hey, bro, I want you to do this thing. Of course. No, it really is. But it's hard. That's just natural.

I mean, because you want steady work no matter what it is, whether you're digging ditches, a mailman or a fucking, especially our business, you need a little security. Luckily, we're comedians and can earn a nice living. But if I have to get on a plane one more time to fucking Denver or fucking wherever, Cleveland or I'm mentioning cities I haven't been to in 10 years. I really do love being home. Of course you do. I wake up at 5 in the morning, drive to set. What are you, a fisherman?

5 in the fucking morning. Yeah, I got to drive to Glendale, Queens to the studio. Tell Dennis to start at fucking seven what's he all right cool ira he is you got a good workout but there's nothing i come home at like eight o'clock sometimes dude i love it i fucking love it come on to your wife and kids i fucking i stayed home friday night i wait you don't want to be out dude Dude, Friday night I stayed home for the first time in years. How'd it feel? Great, didn't it?

It felt great. I'll tell you how it felt. Do you remember, I don't know if you were like me, but I drank every weekend in high school and, for Christ's sake, every weekend in college. And when I got out of college, I lived next to bars. But then one weekend, I was next to bars every fucking, every, but then one weekend I was too tired to go out.

Yeah. I'll never forget it. And it dawned on me, you have been getting fucked up every weekend since you were like 16. I stayed in for a weekend. It fucking felt like an adult. I go, I don't have to feel shitty on Sunday morning. Have the shits and a headache

And it felt fucking great And now after being married I want to go back out Drink please I said I said on one track I'm so married I miss getting chlamydia What the fuck

Do they even have chlamydia Nobody has chlamydia anymore What are you kidding me That's the biggest one out there. No, it isn't. It most certainly is. Just read in the paper. When was the last time I heard somebody getting chlamydia?

What is chlamydia? Chlamydia is an STD. What is it? What does it do? Does it make you pee? Is that the one where you pee? Yeah, all of a sudden you look and your underwear has kind of a green, yellowish tint to it. And your prick is...

Why? Because you shoot stuff out of your dick? Yeah. Ugh. Yeah. I had that fucking... I lived next to the Palace Nightclub in Saugus, Massachusetts for a couple years. I was bringing that shit home like leftovers from a restaurant. How many girls hated me?

The fucking palace, and next to it was the Vogue. Yeah, the Vogue. There you go. The Vogue with the old ladies. That's where the divorcee... go with the old ladies that's where the divorcee we call them old it's so funny you said that that's where the divorcees were now you and i saying that when we were saying that we're in our 20s those those broads were probably in the late 30s and we thought they were ancient now we're what fucking well i am i took joey joey

and eddie there on his fucking bachelor to the vogue yeah we took him to the vogue went to the cabaret and he was like let's go he wasn't into Yeah, we took him to the Vogue. Went to the cabaret and he was like, let's go. He wasn't into it. So I took him to the Vogue for a drink. What's the matter? You never fuck a woman with an oxygen mask? Nice Parliament 100. Hey, honey, where are you from?

You want to go get a clam plate at Kelly's? Exactly. That's so funny that you knew that. We would do that too. Me and my buddy Tony, good looking, my my good-looking roommate who was a bartender, Fanny Hall, there was a group, you can Google them, called the Copycats. They were six or eight hot girls. They would come in in spandex and they would lip-sync.

Yeah. And they would get paid big money. They were all stunning. Hot, sexy, young, in spandex, lip-sicking to the fucking Madonna song, whatever the fuck. They're called the copycat. We had them all back to our apartment. All eight of them.

Oh, really? Nobody got laid, but we were drinking and doing coke and fucking the copycats. Do you remember when discotheques were huge? Do I remember? Of course I do. You fucking waiting in line.

You get in. The fucking music's playing. Dark. Try to work your way to the bar. People just dancing. You try to waiting in line. You get in. The fucking music's playing. Dark. Try to work your way to the bar. People just dancing. You try to find that chick. Find that little spot. Did you dance?

I fucking danced like a madman. Did you really? You believe that? Oh my God. You don't do anything for pussy. I was out there juggling on the dance floor. I'm on a unicycle. Are you kidding?

The Palace Nightclub was like the hottest place on the North Shore, and I live within walking distance of it. We were there at the grand opening. Christ's sake, a month into it, we were best friends with the owners. You know, I had, you know, relationships where I ended up banging an owner's, whether it was his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. I was worried about, like, Italian guys kicking the shit out of me from Revere. I mean, it got messy.

It was like a movie. It was like the Copa for, you know, but fucking crazy. It was crazy. And we, it was huge too. It started a small place. Then they redid it and it became this fucking massive discotheque. Yeah. With like different areas of it.

Yeah. Different dance clubs on the, yeah. But like, you know But Madonna, Michael Jackson. It was just. I remember dancing. I remember just sweating and dancing and trying to. And then you take them to the town line. Remember the fucking town line?

Did comedy there. Oh, what a fucking shithole that was. My buddy, this kid, Mike Cizinski, I played football with in high school. He went to Framingham State. I might have the wrong college. Cizinski? Big Polack. Tough kid. Love him. I might have the wrong college. Irish? Szyzynski? Big Polack. Tough kid.

Love him. Nicest kid you ever meet. His roommate in college, though, was a male dancer at the Palace. To this day, the best looking human being I have ever... Bob, you would fucking...

You would have raped him. I swear to God. Best looking guy... Best looking human. Female, male. Best human I have ever seen in person in my life. Right?

Steve, he had fucking these... these fucking bright blue eyes, like an Italian model. And he could dance like a brother. So he's up there on those podiums fucking dancing. And there's four other podiums with other guys on it. The whole palace, all fucking 2,000 people in there. Every girl is around his thing looking up at him. And then we would leave with him at the

end of the night. And he couldn't have been a nicer, more humble guy. Oh my God. He was he, but he, this guy was an Adonis. He was fucking shredded. He could dance like a, he would just, they would look up at him. There was, I'm trying to buy a girl's drink. They wouldn't even look at you. They're staring at your fucking friend's ass. And he couldn't

have been a cooler dude. And he would, he would leave with him in about 11 broads. And I, and I wasn't the elephant man back then i you know i did five myself but when that guy was in the room there was nobody i remember going crazy man i remember going to i just say his name i hope not narcissist remember that club no but i remember that mood not a narcissist downtown downtown boston they had a narcissist i don't remember that and they That mood. Narcissist. Downtown. Downtown Boston. They had Narcissist. I don't remember that. And they had on Lansdowne Street was all the fucking, the discotheques. One of the places down the end of Lansdowne Street near Fenway was a roller skating rink

during the day. And at night, it was- I remember hearing about that, John. It was a roller skating disco tech. And I remember going there. What were you wearing there? A nice mini skirt? Dude, I had punked hair. And I remember going there. What were you wearing there? A nice mini skirt?

Dude, I had punked hair. I remember spiked hair. I had my polo popped collar starched out. And I had my fucking, I had my Levi's pinned. Remember you used to pin the bottom of your fucking. He's a fag. I used to pin the bottom of my shoes. Pin your leg?

What are you doing? A scene from Grease? You never pinned your fucking legs? What are you talking about? You never pinned your fucking legs? What are you talking about? You never pinned your cuffs on your pants? Pinned them which way? You kind of rolled them up And then folded them And then rolled them

So they were just tight On the bottom of your ankle I didn't have to do that I always wore shorts when I went dancing You pinned your cuffs? Yeah, dude It was all Dude, that fashion back then

And then it went to Z Cavaricci's. I think you were a few years after me. Yeah. Yeah, probably, yeah. How old are you? 45. Oh, Christ. I'm a decade ahead of you.

Are you 10 years older than that? Almost. Not quite. Exaggerated a little bit. I was wearing a wife beater when I went dancing with a mustard on it. You had a pack of Marlboros curled in your sleeve? No, there are no sleeves. It's a wife beater.

There was a jukebox? and a pair of dungarees jesus christ what was that from uh it was uncle jr falling in the shower remember that that's when i fell in love with that show and it's so funny i said that many times people ask and then i heard lou Louis say it Like a few years later He goes When I saw Uncle J You'll fall and say Your sister's kind

He goes That's when I was Fucking watching A regular basis Yeah it's funny You're talking about That vinyl show I gotta get into that thing

Dude I'm telling you Bobby Cannavale Is knocking it Out of the park It's so weird though It's like a fucking Back in the day To watch TV

It was like awesome You felt It's like a fucking chore now because there's so much good shit. And it's like, oh, fuck, I got to watch this. I got to watch The Walking Dead. I got to watch fucking Saul. Yeah, but you can watch it at your own pace. Yeah, I know, but there's so much shit to watch.

You know, it's funny you say that because Norman Lear actually said right now is the golden age of television. Norman Lear said that. Really? Yeah. There's so much shit. I know. I just started watching Ray Donovan, which was started years television. Norman Lear said that. Really? Yeah. There's so much shit. I know. I just started watching Ray Donovan, which was started years ago. Fucking love Ray Donovan.

It's, you know, it's very entertaining. It's very entertaining. Watching those guys butcher our fucking, a lot of the acts, butchering our accent. I tell you. Not Lear. He's fucking great. But a few of the other, they can't get that. You did a scene with Nurse Jackie.

Oh, with Edie. Edie, who is number one. She's as good as anybody to act. Unbelievable. I know. I told her that. I did a scene with her on Nurse Jackie. I played a cop, right?

I didn't know you did Nurse Jackie. I did one scene, really quick scene with her. She's so fucking nice. And surprisingly, I mean, i didn't think she was that hot but she's she's she's got a thing about her yeah oh yeah as soon as she walks up you're like wow you're like she's really sexy yeah and uh she i did a scene with her and we're waiting to do this thing and we start talking she's like where you from you know she's just so and i'm like from boston she's like oh you get that accent You watch And I was like yeah

And she's You watch Ray Donovan I'm like oh The wife's accent on that I can't Ray Ray And then she started going

She started going Harper Ray did you get Me and her going like this Ray did you get the Harper Ray It's the This is Fucking

Mrs. Soprano Who that girl Who basically Right That is who she is. That's exactly right. The show's very, by the way, this is my opinion. It's entertaining on a superficial, but it's very derivative. A lot of shit of the Soprano. But that's not a bad thing.

You can't blame anyone. No, of course not. But on a superficial level, it's really one of those shows you like to binge watch. But here's the word, Bobby, and I'm going to go to L.A. I'm going to become a fucking coach for people who have to do Boston accent. The word got, G-O-T, we don't say got. We say got or we gotta. We got it.

We gotta do something. I got it. I got it. I got it, you fucking cocksucker. You don't say, they all go, I got it. Yeah, we don't go cocksucker. That's like fucking Maine or Cape Cod. Well, it's a little heavy, but we do say, we don't say,

Robin Williams, even in Good Will Hunting, he said Boston. Nobody says, we say Boston, B-A-W. Yeah, Boston. Boston. And we do say cocksucker, but we don't say soccer. We don't say soccer. Soccer. Soccer.

Cocksucker. It's fucking cocksucker. S-U-C-K-A. Yeah, fucking box. But here's, you know what's the trick to doing it? we run our words together that's the other thing yeah in massachusetts that's the hard thing and liam's got it down pretty good he nails it pretty but even but even nicholson like in the departed he was in and out he was mailing it sometimes he'd hit it sometimes he would it's a tricky one everybody does a bad john f kennedy when they're trying to do it

i did um i did a movie with Mark Ruffio and Amanda Peet. And I remember I was sitting there. Mark Ruffalo? Ruffalo, whatever the fuck's his name. Who was a nice guy. And Amanda Peet. You don't like him? I didn't say I didn't like him.

He's a great actor. I like him a lot. Amanda Peet is the sweetest. But she actually came up to me. She goes, how do you say this? you say, how do you say this? How do you do that? And I was like, uh, none of your business. You can't do it.

I froze like a fucking, I didn't freeze because I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I'm not a fucking, I don't know how to fucking give language lessons. I don't. So she's like, uh, you know, so I was like, I just started sewing, you know, cocks, soccer, fucking, I just had to sound like an asshole. Fucking car, fucking car, fucking car. So you started doing like an asshole. Fucking cock, fucking cock, fucking cock. Oh, so you started doing a bad impression of a Boston guy. Oh, I was so fucking humiliated.

Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be. Here's a good Boston accent. I'm Boston. Do eigen arbeit. Do eigen fleiss. Eigen entflossheit. Oh, my God.

It's a Trump speech. No, I'm kidding. But, yeah, I'm watching Ray Dunham and going, it's not got, it's got. We've got a lot of ball, you know. And Voight does a pretty good boss, don't he? I think everybody, I really do like that show a lot. It's a fucking entertaining. It's a fucking great show.

Showtime has fucking stepped it up. Since my special, where I'm there, I've noticed. They really have. That's what I hear. Showtime has fucking stepped it up. Since my special, where I'm there, I've noticed they've been picking it up. They really have. That's what I hear. I heard it. I'm watching TV, and there's a guy from Showtime sort of tooting their own horn saying, but we're legitimate again, and blah, blah, blah.

Is that true? I don't follow it enough. They get Shameless. They get Ray Donovan. And now they got, what's the one we just talked about? Fuck me. The Courtrip of Eddie's Father, the black version? No, fuck me. Billions.

Billions is a great show. That's what I'm hearing. I'm sure it is. I'll get to it. You should get on it. Dan Soda's got a regular part on it. Dan Soda's killing it. But also the guy who wrote it is the guy who wrote Rounders.

Gary Gullman's best pal there. What? Is Gullman on it? No. Why not? I don't know. Gullman looks like, if I was a manager,

he'd be my first client. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. He's a good looking guy, but he could play a rapist or he could play an attorney or, seriously. No, you're right. He's a better looking

80 Brody, what's his name, the guy? He could be the guy that actually says, Rudy, you go. You take the ball and run. That's right. That's,

that's who that guy is. Yeah. He's a, he'd be my first sign. Yeah. If I was a, I didn't, it wasn't true.

Oh, true detectives was on HBO, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. That's a good show too. Yeah. There's a lot of shit out there.

There's a ton of shit. I'm watching it instead of being a part of it. It's funny, too, that Louis, though, which you are a part of, is he fucking took away the network. He fucking took away a network and said, fuck it. Oh, it's a different show. Yeah, but he's not just doing Louis by, you know what I mean? No, but your show that you're on, the...

Yeah, he cut out the middleman. There's no middleman. He's just airing episodes. I know. mean no but your show that you're on the uh yeah he cut out the middleman there's no middleman he's just airing episodes i know and you can buy them i know i want to know i'm going to grab him by the throat and go dude show me i just want to see what you're making he can't be making anything i doubt it well it's very expensive show to make yeah he can't i doubt he's making anything and he did an interview where he was like look it's very very expensive so well it is please buy the shows. I mean, Alan Alda, for Christ's sake. Not to mention the rent in the place we're renting to do the show.

Where is it shot? Above the Grand Ballroom above the Pennsylvania Hotel. Where? 33rd and whatever. I don't want to pinpoint it in case somebody doesn't like this show and they want to stab Edie Falco or something. She's so good. I know. I told in case somebody doesn't like this show and they want to stab Edie Falco or something. She's so good. I know.

I told her that. I go like this. I meet her at a table read at Louie's house. And I got to tell you, I'm obsessed with The Sopranos. Still am. I go 15 years later. She goes, oh, that's kind of sad. She's kind of pissed that I didn't say like Nurse Jackie.

Oh, really? I think so. She goes, that's kind of sad. But she's been nothing but nice to me. She's great. Me and her hit it off. But it's so funny to walk in there and I'm sitting down, you know, across mail and all the...

Yeah, he... I've been lucky lately. Did you do anything in that comedian movie? What movie? De Niro's Planet Comedian. No. What's his name? I get a text.

Well, I wasn't in the loop either. I get a text from Esty like Tuesday night. Right. You know, and I almost didn't answer it. You know what I mean? Because I just wanted to, I don't know. And so I check it. She goes, do you want to be in a scene with me and Jim Norton in the Robert De Niro movie?

Yeah. And I go, yeah, I think I do. Yeah. And even, I just assumed he wouldn't even be in the scene dinero yeah i just got fine i'll be part of it because i heard about it i heard jeff ross but he's off the project now uh but i heard all this so i go yeah i end up going down there and it's a scene like i did it with dinero a little bit like a tiny scene me not nasty yeah and uh i'm sitting fucking and and a couple of takes, I got into my own head.

I'm looking at De Niro's face. I go, I'm acting with Robert De Niro. And just fucking flubbed my line. Yeah. It's fucking great, man. In the last year, I mean, Paul Giamatti, Jeff Goldblum, John Hawks, Alan Alda, Edie Falco, Steve Buscemi I'm forgetting Louie

For Christ's sake Yeah Just fucking crazy De Niro Yeah That's great I mean Here's the thing too

Is that You're good at acting You can pull off I'm getting better at it It's like anything else The more you do It is dude It is true

When we started this season I was I just rolled in like i got this and i was fucking up some scenes dude and i i was literally i got caught so not okay so not knowing your shit or just not no i knew my shit you weren't i was so i'm standing there you forget that not only do you have you have to be in the scene when you're saying a line but you're in a scene with six people you're gonna be living yeah you have to be in the scene when you're saying a line But you're in a scene with six people You gotta be living You have to be living And I was not living a lot

To the point where You were daydreaming about sandwiches and shit I was just there I was like what the fuck am I doing I had to call my acting teacher up That's where I gotta go I go over the scripts I make notes

It's a fucking job You gotta go through What am I doing here I go over the scripts. I make notes. It's a fucking job, man. Well, that's right. You got to treat it. You got to go through, what am I doing here? What did he mean when he said that? What is the choice I'm going to make when he opens that box and I don't have a line for the next fucking page? What am I doing? What is in that box?

How does it affect me? Do I want it? Do I give a fuck? All this shit that you you forget that you have to do and you have to do that in auditions too which is even harder because it's of course it's probably for not you know i actually put i you ever put yourself on tape fuck yeah many times okay now when i put myself on tape at the end of it i go hey if you made it this far i really appreciate it oh because they don't fucking watch.

That's a good one. I put myself on tape on the road. I looked. There was two views, me and my manager. I'm like, why? I go, I'm not doing this if they're not fucking looking. I do something similar. I did a little bit like the first line.

I go, are you still fucking watching? And I go back into character. Do you really? No. That'd be funny. It's just fucking sitting there naked on a couch with your dick out hey thanks for watching if you made it this far hope i get the part you'd probably book it you probably fucking book it i know my agent goes uh you can put yourself on your cell phone i go really is that what brando oh not brando i said somebody

more contemporary but i go real and cut to me fucking hour later i'm trying to actually you know recreate the scene in titanic in my living room with my wife on the sheet and she's throwing water at me oh god help me uh what the hell else i guess i'm trying to think what else i wanted to ask you i don't know who does who does your show prep me oh okay i didn't prep for you you're fucking uh i've known you forever and uh you know i mean i know you come here and you have some shit about uh i don't know some type of bisexual shit in a new car and this is funny everything's some bisexual what yeah well i don't know how i don't know how they're getting that vibe i'm in the men's room at the comedy cellar and i look over and uh robert's on a stepladder at the urinal next to me looking down

the pair of binoculars. I don't know how you're giving off that vibe. All right, come on. I want to see what your pecker looks like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no fucking way no fucking way no fucking way you might i'm like fucking you know who does uh howard's uh not fred is it fred but fred's fred yeah he's fucking genius he really is the fastest motherfucker ever unbelievable i'm i'm in there one night one day doing a stern and we started talking about florentine and they go how it goes oh florentine's here and and and fred started doing florentine oh really he starts doing florentine's here And Fred started doing Florentine Oh really

He starts doing Florentine So I'm looking around the studio That's funny I thought he was sitting where I couldn't see him Florentine For like three minutes And I'm going And then Howard started giggling

And what's his name pops his head up That's weird That's weird that I stumbled across You know my Artie Lang That I know No You know that I called you as Artie Oh go ahead

We literally had a conversation I think I've done it On your show before It's a certain thing though I can't do it You gotta You gotta get your There it is right there

Yeah The Yeah Nick The show we're on If If you could just keep your mouth shut for fucking 10 seconds, we'd go to snobbing on the air. Now you're in your basement with your fucking wife upset.

Fucking guy. Cox, I can play the no, no, no, no. Howard was... No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Who the fuck's that? Steve Byrne? That's a fucking good arty, man.

It's all right. I got to get into it. The more I get into it. Yeah. Who else did, though? That's it. That's all I got. Bullshit.

I don't do any impressions. Do Colin. That's not true. How great is Colin's show? How fun is that? What show is that? Cop show. I've never done it.

Fuck you. You're lying. I've seen you on it. You're lying. How do you fucking do it? You are so, you big. Who is that? Cop show. I've never done it. Fuck you. You're lying. I've seen you on it. How do you fucking do it? You are so, you big... Who's that? I just happened to look down and it was the lion. Buddy, listen.

Colin's show, to me... It's the funniest fucking shit. It should be... He must have really done... He must have pissed somebody off in the business, too. Because, I mean, like Brooklyn 9... Whatever is it? Brooklyn 9... 9-7-0-7-0-4. Okay. piss somebody off in the business too because i mean like brooklyn nine whatever is it brooklyn

nine nine four one seven oh four okay i mean it couldn't carry fucking collins fucking yeah it is so funny i think that comedy shows like that though just in the last 10 years they got very politically correct they'd rather go for a broad comedy that's silly and goofy, and you can have every fucking... Yeah, stereotype. Every dealership you want, everybody wants to fucking have commercials on it. I mean, cop shows, you have to fucking really know funny

to laugh at some of that. No, you're absolutely right. There's a subtle nuance, this irony that people don't pick up. Well, that's Quinn. I mean, his writing was always a little too nuanced and too brilliant for people, in my opinion. He made me a fucking Chinese. I was just going to.

This year, he made me a Chinese woman, Tibetan woman a Tibetan woman drug smuggler named Sister Ping. But it's so funny that you and I just said it's so nuanced and shit and then you say that. He may be a Chinese woman with a wig on

and fucking explore. I'm like a fucking child. Yeah, he, that show's fun, though, man. Yes, he had me do. Has the next season come out yet, or is it this month? He's editing it. He's editing. He's editing.

Season two is out now, but season three is coming out. That we already did. We just did three, right? Yeah. He's got me doing, he did a spoof on, you know what? He's got me doing, he did a spoof on, you know what, Johnny Depp when he played the Italian. Donnie Brasco. Thank you.

Wow. Wow. That's because I don't sleep, man. Donnie Brasco. You're still not sleeping? Here and there. No suggestions. I've tried everything. I have nothing either.

I got some heroin up in my room tonight. I'm going to see how that works. He had me do, we did like a spoof of Donnie Brasco. Get rid of your horse. Maybe you'll take a snap. I'm not going to fucking pay for hay. Donnie Brasco,

you know, forget about it. It seemed, what is forget about me? Oh, and he gives like nine different explanations. Well, he did it with me. What does Allah Akbar mean? And he's got me doing the whole thing.

That's funny. It was so brilliantly written. And again, working with somebody you know as an actor. If you guys haven't seen Cop Show, which you probably have, but if you haven't, the idea is it's comedians who aren't that good of actors doing a cop show. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That's the idea of it. That's the idea. People don't know. They'll go, oh, he wasn't that good in that. It wasn't supposed to be. But I didn't know that. So I was acting the first season of Cop Show. I was actually trying to act my balls off.

Right. And they go, that was perfect. And then I found out later on, it's a show about guys who can't act. I go, what do you mean that was perfect? I wasn't trying to be a bad actor. Yeah. You fucking believe that shit? Well, I know.

When I did my scene, I actually, this is why I love it. Bobby can act his ass off, by the way. Mr. Robert Kelly can act his balls off. Keith couldn't get his fucking line right. Surprise, man. And this is before the stroke. So I remember I go, I just started yelling at him. I go, you can't.

It's fucking one line. You fucking. You keep calling me Mr. Ping. Auntie Ping, it's sister, you fucking jack, and I just flipped out, he flips out back on me.

Did you? You guys got heated with each other? But it was funny, we were doing, and he left it, I don't know if he's going to use it, but he just kept cameras fucking rolling. How was my friend doing anyway?

I talked to him probably, I'd say 10, 12 days ago. Keith is, he had a stroke by the way, probably, I'd say, 10, 12 days ago. Keith is... He had a stroke, by the way, folks, if you guys... Yeah, Keith Robinson, who is, you know, one of the fucking greatest guys, one of my great friends, and, you know, a fucking hilarious guy. Just a good guy. Yeah, and he had a stroke, and he's walking on his own now, no cane.

Oh, really? Yep. Oh, good. stroke and he's uh he's walking on his own now no cane um oh really yep oh good he's talking oh i just talked to him the other day he's talking just better way i mean he's talking it's not you can't even there's no really he's on the phone when i taught him he seemed a little a little bit but no we talked for a while too and usually that's what get tired he didn't get tired he's talking good good this is all good his hand is little. He's got to work on the hand on the right hand. Yeah. He's got to get that back. How about his jab and his hook?

Left hand. Good. Right hand. If you ever get into a fight with him, just stay on the right. And Southpaw that motherfucker. But yeah, no, he's doing good, man. He's going to therapy. He's back home.

He actually came to the city a couple of times for dinner. So, you know, he's got to keep going, though. He's got to really keep pushing it. He's got to the city a couple times for dinner So he's got to keep going though He's got to really keep pushing it He's got to get that arm back He's got to get the speech back 100% But I think he's It didn't affect his brain That's debatable

Well there's got to be a brain there to affect That's what I'm saying So yeah he's got to take his meds Good That's what I said to him on the phone. He goes, yeah, I wouldn't take my blood pressure meds. I go, what are you, an old guinea? You're like my uncle.

Yeah. He has a heart attack. He literally, my uncle has a heart attack. Quit smoking for like three weeks and he's back at it. Cutting wood in the back. Seriously, old school Ginza Loon. But I was driving home thinking. Ginza Loon.

Ginza Loon. I fucking love that one. Remember that one? Ginza Loon. I was driving home last night from the city and I was driving home thinking Ginza Loon Ginza Loon I fucking love that one Remember that one? Ginza Loon I was driving home Last night from the city And I was thinking about Keith And then all our friends And I'm going

Holy shit Me and Norton Are the only panel Healthy panel guys Left from Tough Crowd The regular guy It's like a tough crowd curse And by just saying that now

You or I Are gonna have something to add I'm not a fucking panel regular So I'm living Even though Oh that's right Yeah I was on I'm happen. I'm not a fucking panel regular, so I'm living. Oh, that's right. I was on, I'm mad. Jeff Singer fucking kept me off that show.

Why? I don't know. I remember Colin just kept trying to give me opportunity after opportunity and it just wouldn't happen. Who's your person? Oh, you're with Frost, too. Still with Frost and now I'm with Apostle. Do you look forward to getting on a plane? Because I know people, I know comedians who have a wife and a baby at home look forward to the peace and quiet.

I do now because Frosty has really hooked it up. He got me the money I kind of need to get out of the house. And it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, home Sunday. And if I have to stay Sunday, I won't do it. I won't do Thursday. Right. That's right. It's one or the other.

I've been doing that for years. Well, I finally got there, and he's gotten me great clubs. I can't tell you. The last January and February, I worked every weekend, and I had a blast. Every club was great. Where'd you work? Helium? No, I worked McGroobies?

I think McCurdy's? McGoobies. McCurdy's. No, McGoobie. McCurdy's. In Florida? McGoobie's great. In Florida, Sarasota.

There's still a McCurdy's in Florida? Buddy, it's the best. I loved it. Yeah, Matt, you mind fucking? Had a great, but I think he just got in with him this year. Because that guy. I used to do McCurdy. Well, he's finally using people again.

The guy is great. The guy who owns it. What's his name? I forget. I knew him years ago. Great guy. Of course, Sidesplitters, which I love. I'm going there next Thursday.

Bobby Jewell. And then I did, you know what? The club was fucking great. Stand Up Live in Phoenix. Yeah, I did, you know what? The club was fucking great. Stand Up Live in Phoenix. Yeah, I did that one too. But I was there right when it opened. It's in a weird place. It's a beautiful club.

And then I played Foxborough. Yes, I like that one. Did you have sound problems? Yes. Well, no, no. That's the one in downtown Boston. No. The one at Foxborough

At the stadium We had Soundproof I fucking flipped out I felt bad But I I flipped You know how good

You know how that's music to my ears Cause I'm the one who's always flipping huh Well I flipped out But the guy The owner You know Kraft Sun owns that Yeah

They got me the best tickets ever They came in And fixed the sound They spent two grand The next day on the sound system Yeah And they fixed it When were you there? It's February

Oh Yeah Because I was back there I was there in The Patriots Remember when the Eagles kicked the shit out of the Patriots? I was there that weekend No it was after

And the sound was They fixed it They actually fixed it I'd still do it Even with the sound problems I liked the club Well I had them They actually The first night I'd still do it, even with the sound problems. I'd like the club. Well, I had them. They actually, the first night, drunk fucking assholes in the front.

Oh, boy. And these, one was a hot, she was a hot cop, really smoking. And they were just on their phone and fuck you, do the show, blah, blah. Ugh. But I had a talk with a guy the next night. I was like, look, dude. You can't have that. Nobody's on their fucking phone.

You see somebody on the phone, tell them to get off. You see it twice, get them the fuck out. Right don't care right i go you know because it's a new cup i tell you dude saturday night yeah it was like a fucking difference but the sound they fixed everything they had two guys come in patrol the room they really they need help john tobin these places just need some suggestions i do it all the time for them. That club really fucking stepped up. I had two of the best shows ever Saturday night. Sold out. Fucking great.

Crowds were great. Yeah. In downtown, in that little area in Foxborough, the hotel was great. Yeah. Everything was great. So I actually played two months, back to your original question, where I loved being on the road. I made good money. The crowds were great.

The clubs cared about me coming. Right. And, you know, knew how I wanted the show. Right. And it was. That's half the battle, though. It was a good time. How about Levity Live?

They don't use me. Bobby? I hadn't done it here. You know, what's it, 25 minutes from my house? Yeah. 20 minutes. Yeah minutes Who am I kidding I hadn't I had

I'd been in there On like Wednesday nights Just to do a set Yeah And said hey This is pretty nice And then January They you know

They gave me a wing And Mazzilli loves me I don't know what the fucking I do it I love those guys too I do it Robert Yeah That is

That is as nice a club In the country as there is. Yeah. It's theater seating. Yeah. It was fun. I saw, I don't know, three of the five shows or whatever. Yeah.

Fucking, the food is killer. Unbelievable. The green room is killer. Unbelievable. They treated me like gold. Didn't have to tell anybody to shut off the phone or anything. The sound system is like you're doing a theater. I would do that club 12 times a year.

I did it one time. I loved it and never got asked back. But, love the Mazzillis. I do Gotham once a year and they treat me like gold. So it's a weird, I don't understand. I don't get it. But I think they can have me back in the fall.

Yeah, I do like that club and I like those guys. And it would be great because I live right at the thing. Alright. Well, you wanted to be out of here in the fall. Yeah, I do like that club and I like those guys. And it would be great because I live right at the... Right here. Right at the... Right at the thing. So... All right. Well, you wanted to be

out of here in an hour, so... All right, yeah. I got to go. He's got to go. Bobby is two kids, a little black one and a... What's the girl?

I don't know. She's Indian? No, she's actually Cherokee. Tied up at his basement. No, I got to go. I got an acting class. Bobby's got an acting class. My acting is I study... Remember F Troop,. No, I got to go. I got an acting class. Well, I was getting an acting class. My acting is I study, remember F Troop, the show?

I study those films for a couple hours. The Indian. Yeah. I love when the Indians back in the day were just fucking Italian guys. They were. They were Sicilian. Yeah, they were just Italian guys. How did you know that?

Because they're fucking big Italian noses. Because it's the only Indian chiefs grabbing their crotch. Hey, what the fuck? We called it maze, cocksucker. You have Dan Soto on this. He does a great TV Indian guy. You have chief. It's just shitty acting.

You have chief come to house now. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Who is that? I don't know. Michael Jackson. Somebody doing Michael Jackson. Anyways, Bobby, thank you so much for doing this.

And again, you want to plug any dates or anything? Yeah, I'd love to plug. Just go to robertkellylive.com and go to my dates there. I got a date coming up in fucking Knoxville, Tennessee, which is coming up. And make sure you check out my podcast. But actually, watch the Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll, man. There you go.

And go see me a week from tonight at Sidesplitters in Tampa. I'll be there all weekend. And then April 9th, the Women's Club of Minneapolis. It's a theater. That's the Club of Minneapolis. It's a theater. That's the name of it. It's a nice 600-seat theater. Really? Yeah.

Dr. Grin's in Grand Rapids, Michigan. That's April 21 through 23. The Arlington Draft House, April 29 and 30. And the Hot Comedy Club in Yonkers, May 13th and 14th. I think that date is still there. Is that at the Ridge Hill Mall, right? Yeah. I heard it's a nice club. I think that date is still there. Is that at the Ridge Hill Mall, right? Yeah. I heard it's a nice club.

Really? All right. That is it. Oh, and again, folks, if you want more of the show, two to three more episodes a week, go to connectpal.com slash Nick. Connectpal.com slash Nick.

Robert, thank you so much. You're the best. All right, buddy. I'll talk to you later. Thanks for having me on. Take care, pal. And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started, I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else

No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. And I don't want to live like this. guitar solo I'm out.