The Nick DiPaolo Show - 128 - Tampa, Racist Mexico, RIP Uncle Al, Gay Talese's Comments

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

Tampa, Racist Mexico, RIP Uncle Al, Gay Talese's Comments

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi again, everybody! That's right. All is right with the world again, isn't it? Don't you get excited? Baseball is back. I know the game's too slow for some of you retards out there who need non-stop action. People who watch arena football and other type of vagotry. Yeah, baby. How are you?

How you is? Yeah, Mets kicked it off last night. A few other games, too, but national TV. Mets had a rematch with the Kansas City Royals and came up with the short end of the stick. Kansas City has a pitcher, Volquez. Mother of God, is he nasty. And Matt Harvey pitched very well, too. But anyways, I'm just happy baseball's back. That's all I'm saying to you. And I'm, you know, me, I'm a football hockey guy, but in baseball, though, I just can't

help myself, I'm an American at heart, how are you kids? Hey, remember, if you like these shows, you're hearing this free on iTunes every Monday, if you want to hear more of the Nick DiPaolo podcast, go to connectpal.com slash Nick, C-O-N-N-E-C-t-p-a-l.com slash nick and uh you get two to three more shows a week uh at 3.99 a month that's less technically less than a buck a week like i said if you can't handle that you're a fucking mama luke anyways anyways anywho a lot to get to haven't talked to you in a while as you know i had to do the uh the final episode of horse and pete and uh did anybody catch it did you catch it very uh very i love it's just a very depressing show but funny but depressing and and it's over i think who knows you don't know louie could sit down and write more episodes but uh it looked pretty final if you watched it and uh it ended

in violence and uh if you're not watching this you really really gotta wake the fuck up but uh i love depressing shit because the world is depressing. It's a dark, miserable fucking place, and it's getting darker. And, you know... This is Paul Simon, by the way. Yeah, Louie goes to Paul Simon's house like last summer,

and Paul Simon writes him a theme song. What kind of juice does this kid have? Mother of God. But killer episode. Everybody got to take a bow but me, because that happened on Thursday. I had to go down to Tampa on Thursday to the side splitters. Once again, stand-up comedy gets in the way of my showbiz career. Mubble is fucked.

Listen to that peppy theme song. Doesn't it make you just hard? Listen to that. Aren't you jumping around? I want this played at my funeral. But, yeah. I don't know. I'm supposed to.

I mean, it already aired for you people who pay for it on LouisCK.net. So I'm not giving anything away. But it ended in very depressing fashion. And by the way, it ended, I guess there's going to be no more Horace and Pete. I don't know. But Steve Buscemi was just outstanding. And, yeah, I was sorry I wasn't there to take a bow. Even Alan Alda was there Thursday.

They had a wrap party after. But, no, I'm on my way to side splitters and motherfucking tip. But I actually had a great time down there. It's one of my favorite gigs. Bobby Jewell runs it. It's his club. Hard drinking fella. And he actually played football at wagner i think

and uh it was good had fun thursday night show blue i uh i get man i i couldn't even get to the stage there was no way to get to the stage i guess some people had moved their chairs blocking the way so and then i go on stage and broad has her purse on the fucking stage with her drink like it's her fucking living room so i tear into her and apparently you know apparently i'm outnumbered with that type of thought that uh that should be my space and i don't mean my space this is in the faggy you know college sense of the word but uh don't do that you go to a comedy club get your feet off the fucking stage don't put your drink on the fucking stage show a little respect you suckers

of satan's cocks anyways and uh i couldn't let it go so i was i wasn't in the best of moods because i once again i had about three hours sleep the night before and uh sometimes i can't shake it i bring it on stage with me and i'm not the type of guy who's gonna slap on a phony fucking smile shake it i bring it on stage with me and i'm not the type of guy who's gonna slap on a phony fucking smile and and play mr fluffy and uh so yeah uh you know i wasn't the best frame of mind and neither was the audience so uh that's how that went but then the next four shows two the next night and two on saturday killer absolutely killer people sitting there listening no cell phones on thursday night i start about i i get to to the mic on Thursday night I look out and I see like five five faces lit up in the back with cell phones and then that just fucking uh it's just totally disrespectful and I'll be a cocksucker right back because respects the two-way

street anyways but I had fun down there even though I got diarrhea from the continental breakfast I did i i woke up saturday morning famished i hadn't really eaten that much woke up with a little belly full of um jack daniels and water and i was freaking starving and i forced myself to get downstairs for that continental breakfast and i was stupid enough to eat one of those goddamn like pre-made omelets and those gray sausages they look like uh sweaty jeb dick i don't know i but i eat two of the omelets and yeah that's right i open them up on the second and it's not even melted cheese it's like they they funneled it in there they've been with a uh pastry bag cheese was

anyways i'd say about an hour and seven minutes after i ate that my stomach makes starts to make noises like a soundtrack from Star Wars I don't know what the fuck and then I was uh peeing out my ass for the rest of the day and uh just just fucking every eight minutes I know I'm opening up too much but this is a podcast for fuck's sake and uh it was very gross ass for fuck's sake and uh it was very gross and um other than that you know came to the show uh you know i talked about the uh earlier i recommended that uh documentary the seven five about those two cops new york cops in the 80s in east brooklyn and they got mixed up with drug dealers you've seen the seven five haven't you well, I had Michael Dodd on the show a few months back. And his partner, Kenny Urell, came to the show last night. As you know, I don't know if they, I think they hate each other.

I don't know. But anyways, I had already met Michael in person. Kenny Urell came with his wife to the show. Got to meet him. And his wife had a few in her. And she was yelling shit out during the show. Not in a mean way like cheering me on like a cheerleader so i i couldn't get mad at her i mean but uh it's just

so funny it always works out that way when you meet somebody before the show or whatever the hell they end up turning out to be yelling shit out it happens more than you think but um they had bought the tickets before I could comp them. But I'm glad they came in. Kenny seems like a good dude. Yeah, it was cool. I had to do morning radio, which we all hate. But Mike Kelter, thank you.

He's the number one guy in Tampa. Originally another Staten Island guy. And he has the same, well, I used to have this agent, Tony Burton, and that's his agent, radio agent. Anyways, went on there, and they have a sidekick, this young blonde girl who apparently had her A-hole tattooed, and she was congenial enough to actually spread her ass cheeks and let me see it. And it was a little heart right on the

left side of her a-hole. Isn't that beautiful? It's just great. The girls are just much, much more generous than they were when I was dating, let's say. You know, I used to pick a girl

up in a wagon and take her over some chuck roast. No, you could, I mean, back in the eighties, if I wanted to see a girl's ass, that would have been like fucking $180 in margaritas and maybe some Coke. And even then it wasn't all waxed and shit. You know, it was like, uh, looking into a cave 40 feet below the, uh, water surface while you were skydiving. But, I mean, scuba diving. What? Anyways, that was cool. I got to see a blonde girl with a nice ass and a little tattoo on her a-hole.

And a funny place for a heart. And then we did some crazy two broads, some podcast called A Mouthful or something, and yeah, that was at like noontime at some restaurant. Started, I had a Bloody Mary, and this was on Friday morning, yeah. Had a Bloody Mary, and I had shrimp and grits, and these two girls were pretty good looking. I mean, they're in their 40s,

but both of them smoking. One of them was a real firecracker. And they were fun. They were a lot of fun. And they said they were going to come to my shows and they didn't. They didn't.

That's what happens when you're 54 see at 44 they would have come out what does that mean i don't fucking know but uh yeah cory dylan uh was one of them i think that's her stage name. Actually, but yeah, podcast called The Mouthful. And the other one was Carrie, who's on the Home Shopping Network. Busty little blonde killer body. And they were both fun. Both very fun. Both very giggly. And I was hoping they'd come out to the show and they didn't. Well, I'll have to send somebody out. Straighten that mess out. Anyways, enough of that horse shat.

You got North Carolina versus Villanova tonight in the culmination of March Madness for the national championship. Anybody but North Carolina. How fucking sick are we of them? I might watch it. Again, I'll put it on with about 10 minutes left. But, you know, I got other shit to do. Hey, let me throw this out to you, you guys who are listening to this.

I'm looking for another way to do venues. I want to do one-nighters, you know. I want to do get in, get out. That's sort of a new trend it's becoming very popular uh as much as we love these comedy clubs to to spend three or four nights and have to do five shows is at this point in my career you know if there's an option to that would be to do you know uh one venue uh whatever, one night. And so if you'd like me to come to your hometown,

go to nick at nickdopalo.com, and maybe we can work something out. You guys find the venue. If you can line up the publicity, I'll come in a night early, and you know what? We bang it out one night. I'll give you a price.

You guys line up the publicity i'll do it whether it's radio magazine interview whatever um if you think you can pull this off and and find a venue that's not a traditional comedy club and we'll make a deal you know and and uh that's the way to do it bang bang like do one in st louis maybe like on a thursday night pop over to chicago or uh whatever the next night detroit you know do do a you know anyway whatever 300 to 400 seat venue and we'll work out a deal i'll guarantee plus a piece of the door, whatever.

But if you guys can find these venues and line them up, you want me to come to your hometown, you love the podcast, you love my comedy, and then we'll both be happy. So go to nick at nicktopalo.com if you like that idea and let me know. And hell, one of you could become my my national uh touring guy but that's the way to do it this is possible now with social media and whatnot as as opposed to doing the traditional like i said i don't know it's it's uh it's easier said than done, but it can work if you get enough publicity. And it can be great.

Yeah? Yeah. He's a fag. Fuck off. I'm not no fag. I ain't no fag. That was actually seen in The Last Horse and Pete. They start arguing.

I'm not a fag. You're a fag. I'm not a fag. Very funny. What the fuck did I'm not a fat. You're a fat. I'm not a fat. Very funny. Uh, the fuck did I want to talk about? Yeah. Tampa was, uh, Tampa was fun. What happened when I was gone? I haven't talked in a while. Oh, Trump and abortion. I guess he really is. He really doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. But that doesn't matter. I told you. And here is my take on it. People ask me about who I'm going to vote for.

And I go, I love Trump's message. I just don't like the messenger. You know, that's how I feel. I love his message, but I don't love him. So I still, you know, I'm on the fence. So I still, you know, I'm on the fence. But I guess he was on with Chris Spittling Matthews. Remember the guy that does the show Hardball? I used to have a bit about him calling it Spitball. He's like a fucking pit bull, rabbit pit bull with all that spit.

By the time he gets done interviewing him, the person he's interviewing looks like he was on a head and shoulders commercial just covered in foam spittle anyways he's a liberal jack off i can't stand them but he tripped up trump you know he did his job for his team he tripped up trump on the abortion issue and trump really did give us some stupid fucking answer about women you know uh being punished if they have an abortion, which is the stupidest fuck. You can't say, if the question was, do you think women who put cigarettes out on their little kids should be punished? Even then you have to fucking hesitate to say yes. Because you've got to know the times and live in fucking feminism, womanhood.

All that shit is impenetrable to political incorrectness. They are the reason the world is so politically correct you can't and i'll i got another story here that proves that out about some guy who made comments he was at bu uh this guy named gay talese uh used to write for the new yorker and they asked him about uh what female writers inspired him and he didn't really have an answer and that's con i, I'll talk about that in a few minutes, but that's the times we're living in. You can't just come out, and Trump says,

well, they have to be punished. I mean, you just, he's very unpolished, but it's one thing to be unpolished, but it's another thing to be a little bit stupid. I'm telling you, after watching Trump campaign for a year,

I'm not that impressed with Wharton Business School. I'm going to be honest with you. But here's Chris Dickhead Matthews, the spittling fool, tripping up Donald about the Trump, about the abortion situation. Do you believe in punishment for abortion? Yes or no? As a principal. The answer is that there has to be some form of punishment. For the woman?

Yeah, there has to be some form. Ten cents, ten years, what? That I don't know. Why not? I don't know. You take positions in everything else. Frankly, I do take positions in everything else. It's a very complicated position.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you big dummy. You really. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you big dummy. You really. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, not this fucking time. No fucking way. No fucking way. No fucking way.

No fucking way, you make. I mean, can you shoot yourself on the foot anymore? You had the situation where your guy grabs the woman's eye. I don't blame him or the guy who grabbed the girl calling that assault and battery. That's fucking hilarious. Ladies, you can't have it both ways, by the way. I'm getting off the subject we're talking about, but I'm just saying he's killing himself,

and the media is just going hog wild with his negative. 70% of women hate his guts. 44% of 11-year-old girls fucking hate his guts. Just female cats will piss on him. They're just going crazy around. You can't give him more fodder, though, Donald, you big dope. You know? What the fuck are you thinking saying that?

I don't give a shit about abortion. You guys know. That's why, like I said, I get pegged as a conservative, but I'm really not. I'm not religious, but like I said, if it pisses off the left, I'll take that label. But, I mean, the fuck? You really think you can say something like that today and not having a shitstorm? But that's when you find out who's at the kernel, right at the center of political correctness, is the feminist horseshit. right at the center of political correctness is the feminist horseshit and of course so yeah so trump's uh he had a fucking brutal week now he's backpedaling

on that you know saying oh we have to leave the law as it is but but that's all you had to say is he is anybody advising this guy i don't know and then he says he says he reiterates that if he when he does get closer to the nomination he'll become much more presidential that's admitting he's like two-faced but the rest of it his political incorrectness and his stances on immigration everything else i fucking love and that he has the balls to speak up um but you can't keep doing this. And the big Wisconsin thing is tomorrow, the primary Wisconsin, which Cruz is ahead by about 10 points.

And I guess Cruz is taking advantage of all this or whatever. But then I read a headline that Cruz, even if he wins Wisconsin, there's no way he's going to be out by the end of April or something. I don't know. The whole, you guys feel like me about the whole,

the whole primary voting process the more you learn about it you're like what how votes don't even really fucking count i mean i used to believe that a little bit but i didn't realize it's actually in writing how if these uh you know they if one of these three candidates case it get the fuck out of the race uh if one of these candidates doesn't have the 1237 then you, you know, they have an open convention, then the delegates can write all kinds of rules and shit. It really is horrendous. It might be my last election voting,

I'm going to be honest with you, if I even make this one. Really fucking sad. But, of course, Saturday Night Live, and, you know, they're conservative, bent on shit. They jumped on the Chris Matthews Donald Trump abortion situation

with a little sketch. Here it is. Donald is talking about women. I mean, he is creating a... This is Scotty Nels Hughes, a Scotty Hughes, I forget her name. She helped start the Tea Party. And this is Cecily Strong is playing her

and Kate McKinney is interviewing her for CNN. That's the setup for this sketch. Dialogue about women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go back to that rally and check in on that dialogue. When I say women, you say

suck. Women. Suck. Women. Suck. That, by the way, was Daryl Hammond playing Trump. This guy,

he's going to set a record. He's already been on SNL longer than anybody. You believe they bring him back? He's fucking, come on, I got to do a Trump. My wife has some blonde extinctions I could slap on um anyways they went nuts you know and just took full advantage of it that's what I love about SNL they they pretend to be balanced

but they'll joke about Hillary you know they'll have Hillary singing and uh you know they'll make jokes about how she dresses. Real superficial shit. But when they go after, like, whether it was Palin or Republicans, what if they cut deep into policy and make them out to be racist and sexist? They just skim the surface, though, when they make fun of, like, Hillary or Bernie, you know? But Trump, man, you've got to be smarter than that fella, you really do, again, it doesn't matter to me, because anybody, but anybody, fucking anybody, but I still laugh when I look

at the choices on that side, Bernie and fucking Hillary, anyways, anywho, as far as abortion goes, I don't know, personally, look, when I was young, I got a lot of, not a lot. I make myself sound like Cromartie for the Jets. I got a few girls pregnant. I was glad there was abortion clinics. What? I thought you were a fucking conservative. I'm not a fucking conservative.

I'm looking out for number one. But I'm just saying. I remember, you know, being young and being glad, and being glad that the girls agreed to go to the clinic while I sat in my pickup truck smoking doobies. Anyways, what? I remember a girl coming up to me trying to hand some pamphlets out, anti-abortion, and me slapping them out of her hand.

I was quite a young fellow then. But, you know, the girl I was with is almost in tears and she's trying to stick brochures on her face like she's, you know, selling vacations to sandals. Get the fuck away from me. This is the song they play too high when you have an abortion. Yeah, then the girl starts crying. It's not.

It's fucking horrible. But it's better than, I mean, it's better than if they played music like this. Okay, put your foot in the stirrups. Put your feet on the stirrups. Hold her still. That's stupid. They wouldn't play that. We know Mexican girls don't have abortions. They just have kids by the truckloads.

Oh, that's a phantom. Oh, oh, oh, oh. No, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Yes, I am. Anyway, Donald, good luck digging yourself out of that hole. No pun intended.

Quack, quack, quack. Remember, go to connectpal.com slash Nick, will you? And sign up, please. Could you? My wife wants another horse to keep this one comfortable. I should say company. But yeah, we're living in, I told you, feminist times. The feminization of America.

And that is really on the front burner of political correctness. Even ahead of race and all that other shit. I always said it, always will. When I'm on stage, and I did it this week, and I just like to go when the crowd's getting a little antsy, and I'll just go. And you women in the place will get dead silence. There could be a fucking 40 people

involved in a brawl in the showroom at a comedy club and all you got to do is go if you're a comedian. And you ladies in the place, fucking they'll stop fighting, everybody will turn around, or you go,

and you black people, and they'll just, somebody was asking me about that. When a crowd's a little antsy or not really paying attention or you know the the club is handing out the paychecks and nobody's listening they all have their heads down filling out the checks i'll just go and you women and uh you minorities and people will sit up straight drop their pencils drop whatever the fuck they're doing and just go oh it's the easiest way to get a crowd's attention in a public

forum. I don't give a shit if it's Trump at a Trump rally or a fucking Zanies in Nashville. That's what you do. And speaking to something related to that, this is a guy, Gay Talese. I guess he used to write for

the New York Times and new yorker and uh anyways you know very liberal obviously those publications anyways he was at boston university speaking at a conference he's a legendary journalist turned author but he struggled to answer a question about female writers who inspired him. Can you imagine this is actually a controversy? Somebody asked him about what female writers inspired him.

And he mentioned Nora Ephron and Mary McCarthy. Followed by an awkward silence. Finally, the 84-year-old. Okay, he's 84. Blurted out, none actually said no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no not this fucking time no fucking way can you imagine no fucking way no fucking way he gave an honest fucking answer. He went on to explain, Talese did, went on to explain that women writers of his generation

didn't like to talk to strangers and that prevented them from taking on tough subjects. The response seemed to stun many in the audience at BU's power of narrative writing coverage. Think about that. He just answered a question honestly, saying he wasn't really inspired by female writers and that's somehow an insult do you fucking believe the times were limited so you should give a fake answer you should give what what we hear what we want to hear oh you're an asshole it's like black lives matter remember barney sanders said all lives matter and that's a slight now. That's considered an insult. What the fuck are you people?

Are you out of your fucking minds? Fuck you. Fuck you. Exactly. Fuck you. That's all that deserves. Of course, people took to Twitter because they don't have the balls to say it to his face. But they were very... Somebody took some woman, Lauren Dozenski.

Fuck. Very taken aback by Gay Talese's comments on female writers. Educated women not comfortable covering non-educated subjects? Wow. Hashtag BU narrative. Ugh. Oh, she's a... Lauren, by the way, is a Boston-based reporter for Politico.

Hey, Lauren. Hey, Lauren. He didn't say anything wrong. He gave an honest answer. Can you imagine? And this broad is considered a reporter now. Anika Butler, an editor at Boston Globe, tweeted, Gay Tilly is not inspired by women writers? Fine. But don't make generalizations about a whole gender.

Whole in quotes. No. Jesus Christ, this obsession. Finally, you get somebody who fucking defended him uh mitchell zuckoff you need a smart jew to fucking bring some sense to this a boston university journalism professor who co-organized the conference said talese's comments were not meant to disparage female writers and these girls are whiny bitches they ought to go home and fuck off. No, he said, he said, I interpreted Gay's remark to be a comment more about what life was like as a writer in the 50s and 60s. A time when there weren't opportunities for women to be doing narrative nonfiction at that level.

That would inspire him. Yeah, that's exactly what he meant. Me, the ignorosis doing this podcast even knew that's what he meant. So girls, quit. I mean, you can't fucking... Oh, God. Uh-oh, retard alert. You want to be treated like an equal? Start acting like equals.

I guess he should have just made something up, huh? I mean, ma, ma, ma, ma. I mean, mama mia. He's a fag. He's 84, the fucking guy. 84 years old. Be thankful that even came to your dumb conference. It's like that guy, remember Summers?

Forget he ended up working. He was an economist. I forget he worked for george w and for obama i think before he stepped down um he's a financial guy but he was the president of harvard university and he was talking there and and actually during a speech said something that women um are less apt to go into math and science he didn't say they weren't as good and they went crazy at fucking harvard the next thing you know he was getting the boot which i love when that happens because he's a liberal jack off anyways and i love when we know when they attack each other we love that here at the show but he just implied oh by the way, how dare I? I knew I was forgetting something at the top of the show.

Contributions. Jonathan Keller, who's a regular contributor. We call him JK. Thanks again, brother. Every month he comes up big. Chad Murrell, also a multiple contributor to the show. Thank you, Chad. And then we get DPP, DPB.

We call him Dennis Paul Bishop, who's also contributed before. Jonathan Keller again with two contributions this month. And then again, Robert Schlueter. If I'm butchering your name, Robert, change it. No, Robert Schlueter or Schlueter. Anyways, he's donated many times. All those contributions in the first couple days of April. People are digging the show, folks.

Tell your friends who want liberal suckers of Satan's cock to join in the fun. You know? If you don't know if your friends are liberal now just walk up to them like a baby doll a naked baby and then just punt it over the fence and go did that bother you do you think you have the right to do that that's my litmus test oh i fucking lost my mind i really have Oh, I fucking lost my mind. I really have. You got to grow up.

You're not a kid anymore. I know, but making a nice living being a kid. You got to grow up. Come on. That's Anthony A.J. Soprano throwing up when his dad told him he had to grow up. Anthony A.J. Soprano throwing up when his dad told him he had to grow up. The billionaire and the millionaire class. I told you, Bernie Sanders is trying to get the black vote. He just can't do it.

So he really made a dramatic move this week. He changed his first name to Colonel. That's what that joke deserves. A nice fucking hearty laugh from Bobby De Niro. I tweeted that joke months ago. People loved it. It's funny. I have some tweets. It actually came to me on stage in Tampa. I'm going to rip the tits off the ground. My favorite show, by the way, I like to talk inside ball here,

that Saturday night show in Tampa. Well, last time they were both sold out, but it was like a light show Saturday night, the second show. And I did about the same numbers as last time. I made bonus money, so it was good. But I love it. I love you guys. You want to see good comics at their best we like the room like half full because it becomes more intimate

and it's the end of the week it's the last show of the week you just don't feel any pressure i don't know what it is but when it's a smaller crowd it's more intimate it brings out the funny you can work at a different pace, a slower pace, and literally just say, you know, create heinous shit in your head and throw it out there, as opposed to like, let's say, an 8 o'clock show on Saturday night sold out, and you have to sort of go from joke A to B to C.

You don't have to, but I find you have to stay on top of the crowd because I have this rule about an asshole quotient. For every people in a room there's one asshole and that quotient goes up obviously the more the people the more assholes in the crowd and uh you have to stay on top of them or they'll start you know fucking kibitzing looking at their phones and shit so i work at a kind of an unnatural fast pace whereas that show the less people in the room they they're more tolerant you can stop take a drink and uh anyways that's late show saturday in tampa is my one of my favorites and uh you know then i go home and i listen to my sets and there's a lot of heinous

shit coming out that i thought was hilarious like where am i going to use that other than it's size but isn't tampa you get arrested for saying that anywhere else. But, yeah. That's one of my favorite shows. It's the late show. With about, like I said, about half full. Be nice. I'm not saying don't come out. That's not my message.

Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that was my favorite one this week. Fa-da-fa-da-da-da-da-fa-fa-da. Your mother's a fa-da-da-fa-fa-da. wrong. I'm just saying that was my favorite one this week. What else is going on in the world, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls? Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited about, you know what, frigging baseball starting. I don't know why like I said probably my third favorite sport but

fucking Bruins my Bruins have like won only two out of their last nine they're on the outside looking in you know how hard it is

not to make the playoffs in hockey gotta be fucking severely retarded no Nick you mean mentally challenged. No, I mean fucking retarded. Bum, bum, ba-bum, bum. Ted Nugent's 20 Reasons to Vote for Trump go viral.

Liberals horrify. Me and him are like soulmates politically. He's probably even more conservative than me. But, uh, he has the same exact answer. When people ask me why I like Trump, I go, it's the reaction from liberals to

Trump. It's enough reason for me to vote for him. When I see how much they hate him and their intolerance bubbles to the surface and they fucking show their true colors,

that's why I still am leaning towards Trump. Even though I can't really stand him personally. But Nugent on his Facebook page. By the way, this is a great riff.

Little stranglehold motherfuckers. 20 reasons to vote for Trump on his Facebook page. Like a swarm of bees. These are the 20 reasons. Number one, Obama is against Trump. Exactly. Probably my number one reason too. The media is against Trump.

The establishment Democrats are against Trump. The establishment Republicans are against Trump. Exactly. That's one of my biggest reasons. The Pope is against Trump. The UN is against Trump. These are fucking great reasons. The Pope is against Trump. The UN is against Trump. These are fucking

great reasons. The European Union is against Trump. China is against Trump. Mexico is against Trump. George Soros, that evil fuck. They always talk about

the Koch brothers. This piece of shit has actually ruined economies with his left-wing diarrhea. He hates Trump. Black Lives Matter is against Trump. Need I say any fucking MOA? Yeah, that's right, I said MOA. MoveOn.org, which is obviously one of Soros' groups, is against Trump.

The Koch brothers are against Trump. I didn't know that. They consider it an establishment. Hateful, racist, violent liberals are against Trump. And you go, where do you see those? Well, at any Trump rally, anybody who's protesting. And then he gave a few bonus points for a Trump presidency. Cher says she will leave the country.

Miley Cyrus says she'll leave the country. Oh, no, not her. She does nothing for me, by the way. She's like a fucking 20-year-old boy in a crew cut. I mean, when she shakes that ass, that's one thing, but when she turns around, I don't want to fuck Billy Bob Thornton's nephew. Whoopi Goldberg says she'll leave the country. She wouldn't know how to leave the country. She's so stupid. I've got a feeling I'd like her if I met her and we didn't talk politics, but she's fucking retarded politically.

Like most minorities, she can't be subjective when it comes to race. Rosie, I'll lick your big dirty ass O'Donnell. Says she'll leave the country. I'll pay for her fucking ticket, big Irish stupid head. Al the racist, I hate whitey fucking Sharpton will leave the country. He still owes the IRS a ton of money, but nobody gives a fuck. He be black. Governor Jerry Brown, who's just a fucking dumb hippie in his 70s who still believes the shit he believed when he was 20,

which tells me no evolution of thought whatsoever. Governor Brown says California will build the wall if Donald Trump becomes president. Good. Good. I wouldn't be saying that I've had a career in Hollywood, but I'll climb it over that fucking wall. Those are all good goddamn reasons, wouldn't you say? You know, I went to a NUJA concert when I was like 13 or 14 at the Cape Cod Coliseum.

And I damaged my left eardrum. It's still to this day. Still damaged. Proud of that. Never forget it. We were sitting up high. And you know how at a concert, like a hockey rink or an arena, people stand on the floor? You know, wall to wall?

People were throwing like M-80s from behind me into the fucking people down below. You'd hear an M-80 go off and then people would scatter and there'd be somebody on the ground holding their face. I can't make that up. But Nugent fucking blew my left eardrum out. You didn't know that about me, did you? I don't have to have a hearing thing yet, but it's not going to be long, I'll tell you that much. Just what the doctor ordered. Still remember. anyways those are good enough reasons for me and that's exactly what I say

I go uh I love the reaction of the libs to Trump I love that he's got blonde hair and blue eyes like a Nazi that's what really makes them. What else is going on in the dirty, dark world? Isn't it just a dark world between ISIS?

I'm laying in bed last night going, it's just, you know, I wonder when I'm going. Is it going to be next month, tomorrow, late August, early September? When's the next attack here going to happen? Whether it's just lone wolves who have been radicalized over the Internet or it's actually an organized, you know, because they're everywhere. And guys like de Blasio and, you know, Obama. Obama cutting terrorist funding to New York City. We talked about that. I mean, they're just fucking, I don't know.

We need a Mussolini type to take over. We need a benign dictator. You heard me. You heard me. It's a dark world. Ever watch the news and see footage of other countries? Like, what are we, the only civilized place left on the goddamn planet? Ever see clips from like India? Or watch a movie that was shot in India? It's like just a billion people living on top of each other, and I'm sure there's some nice areas. There's somewhere there isn't. I haven't seen them yet. But there's like wires hanging from apartment to apartment and monkeys climbing in and out

of the fucking windows. And I had a kid from Bangladesh sitting up front in Tampa. I was having fun, man, with the, they get all defensive though, like the millennials. There's like a real, this Asian kid sitting to my right and I'm like, man, you are really Asian.

He had really, you know, that classic Asian look and he got like, he's like, I'm actually more redneck. My mother's at my,

take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Please, you look like Jack Sue. You can call yourself a redneck all you want, but they get so fucking defensive. It's so funny. He hadn't even said anything racist at that point.

He was clearly Asian. Anyhow, anywho. Mexico. This is a headline from the World News, The Guardian. That's a paper in the UK, I believe. How any who? Mexico. This is a headline from the World News, The Guardian. That's a paper in the UK, I believe. Mexico tortures migrants and citizens in effort to slow down Central American surge. See?

But us Americans, we're the rapists. Right? We're the racists. Right? We're the racists wanting to build a wall. But they actually torture migrants and citizens of their own country. And you're like, why do they do that? Well, I'll get to that in a second. A growing number of indigenous Mexicans are being detained and threatened with expulsion by immigration agents looking for undocumented Central American migrants. The trend comes amid a crackdown on migrants driven in part by political pressure and financial aid from the U.S. Deportations have already risen exponentially since the summer of 2014

when Barack Obama declared the surge in Central American child migrants as a humanitarian crisis. Campaigners say that Mexico migration officials are running a secret, here you go, a secret quota system you go, a secret quota system to increase the number of expulsions. That's why they're actually detaining and fucking their own citizens to meet the quotas. Activists say that Mexico's National Immigration Institute is increasingly operating like an unchecked police force and say that like the country's security forces, it appears to be systematically using torture against detainees. This is Mexico, the self-righteous Mexico that just calls us racist and fucking everything.

The orders appears to be to detain Central Americans at any cost, even if that means violating the Constitution, picking up people based on racist criteria, and detaining and deporting Mexican indigenous youth along the way. Said Gretchen Kuhner, director of the institute for women in migration jesus christ there's more of these fucking groups which launched legal action to secure the siblings release these this story talks about a couple uh young people uh that lived in mexico they're actually mexican uh residents they but they went from one part of me Mexico to another

to work, you know, because it was seasonal. And they get picked up by Mexican authorities to meet their quotas. Yeah, she launched legal action to secure these kids in this story. The Mexican Constitution states

that citizens can move freely within the country and do not need to carry id kuhn added uh this case demonstrates the power and punity of the national migration institute they can get away with it because it impacts highly vulnerable populations who may not speak spanish do not know their rights and are unlikely to complain all in the name of meeting quotas for, you know, deportations. So what's the moral of the story? In Mexico, you're the biggest fucking hypocrites. Not the people, the government. They just corrupt to the fucking bone, the nerve to even fucking call Trump a racist when this shit's going on. Just a dump. I wouldn't fucking vacation there. Think about that next time you go to fucking

Puerto Vallarta or wherever the fuck. Cancun. Your money's going to, you know, one of the most corrupt governments in the fucking history of the planet. Detaining their own people. Even we don't do that. I'm sure that's coming, though.

Ha ha ha ha ha. That's, I mean, that sounds like this type of... Thank you, Mr. Trump. And what else do you want to say about abortion? That's the big thing. He's Hitler. That's what they love. That Hitler thing never gets old for the left.

Yeah, Amy and Esther Juarez. They were edgy with excitement as they boarded the bus full of seasonal workers heading from a farm at the other end of Mexico from their home in the poverty-stricken southern state of Chiapas. Although their brother Alberto, 18, had made the same journey the previous year, it was the first time amy 24 and esther 15 had left the tiny indigenous community where they had grown up but about halfway there immigration agents boarded the bus and after checking all the

passengers papers ordered the three siblings to get off the officials accused them of carrying false documents and lying about their nationality Then they told the youngsters that they would be deported to Guatemala, a country none would have been able to place on the map. They're not even from Guatemala. The baffled youngsters who speak the Mayan language, Tetzel, but very little Spanish, were transferred to an immigration holding center in Querétaro City. Querétaro City. Alberto, 18, was taken into a separate room by four agents who told him that unless he signed documents admitting he was Guatemalan, he would die there. One pushed me, another one was kicking my leg,

and a third who was very fat gave me an electric shock here on the back of my right hand, Alberto told the Guardian paper. I really thought I was going to die, so I signed a lot of sheets of paper of paper but i can't read or write so i didn't know what i was signing the three siblings were held for eight days before a lawyer from an activist group filed legal complaint and eventually secured the release so this is the shit that goes on in mexico and they talk about us that's what happens though it's what's the bigger lesson fucking tyrannical government that's what it is you don't think it could happen here bull fucking snickers hey nick enough of the strong language

yeah so i don't want to hear it i don't want to hear again how racist and how hateful the america is but i want to hear. You're lucky you have this place to sneak into so you can make a living and get away from your third world cock-a-doodle-do shithole. And that's about it, folks. But I want to close this show

by just getting serious for a second. My Uncle Al, he's my dad's brother, passed away this morning at like 1 a.m. And he was a tough guy, an old school Ginzalone, as you'd say. He was a mason and a firefighter. And my dad's older brother, a tough guy. And I got more of him in me than I did my dad.

Because my Uncle Al's a bit of a hothead and a perfectionist. But, you know, he's been through a lot. His only son, my cousin Al, broke his neck in high school. In like a gym class accident. And it changed my Uncle Al. And, you know, a lot of strain on the family. But he was an interesting, tough, old Italian fella. Type of guy.

He had, I don't know, he had a couple heart attacks. They had attacks they had to like you know literally force him to go to the hospital and um you know he like i think he quit smoking for like a month and a half maybe after his first heart attack and then started right up again and just whatever he's 84 he passed away today at 84 i worked with him my dad uh maybe work he was a unbelievable mason he with brick and stone i mean a real artist like a da vinci type to the point where he couldn't work for like a commercial company because he he would look at the stone or the brick that he was laying for three minutes before he'd put it down he was like a perfectionist and did the most beautiful work and uh you know just uh a hard drinking hard smoking guy i picture him i sort of picture i i picture arty lang my uncle when he was young i picture him like arty lang when he was young not not crazy you know not with the drugs

but whatever and he was a hell of a football player my uncle l was like the captain of the danvers high back in the day and um anyways i i my father got me a job working with him when i got out of high school i think it was like 1980 my senior year after i graduated and i think my father put me with my uncle out to teach me a lesson so i wouldn't be like a spoiled brat because to worry my my uncle i was very difficult to work with obviously being such a perfectionist but i remember this woman coming out and uh it was in like wenham massachusetts and we were there to build her a fireplace she showed a picture out of like a

lady's home journal of this fireplace. I'll never forget it. And it's like beautiful house, like a three dimensional fireplace. And I remember thinking in my head, there's no way, even as good as my uncle is with his hands, he's going to pull this off. That's just ridiculous. Well, cut to six weeks later. The woman comes out. We finish up. I mean, we held up that picture in the magazine, and it was identical. I mean, he was just so good at what he did. good at what he did and um all right like i said he was he reminded me of my grandfather uh rocco who was you know very short-tempered but another perfectionist and uh you italians

all they can relate to this i mean he seems to run in our blood but i remember my uncle showing me how to mix mortar when i was working with him and then i'd have to go up the ladder up to the roof carrying two buckets of mortar you know being careful not to fall off the ladder and kill myself um and uh I remember bringing the cement up of the first the first batch I mixed and he's up there and I'm down there doing something he yells now it's too fucking thick like I had been making it my whole life and And I'm thinking to myself, well, you gave me the recipe, for Christ's sake. I mean, but, you know, I didn't dare say that out loud. But he was, but, you know, rest in peace, Uncle Al.

Again, and he was a firefighter in Beverly, Mass. And just not an easy life, first generation over here, you know. And but, you know, love them nonetheless. Faults and all. And like I said, I think I'm more like him. I got more of my Uncle Alamy than my brother Greg got more of my dad. Either way, we're all cranky guineas. But just wanted to let you know that.

I think I have to go up to Boston within the next couple of days. Anyways, that's the show. Touched on a lot, didn't we? Anyways, and thanks again to Louis C.K. for including me in that Horace Peet, that wonderful production with Alan Alda, Edie Falco, and Jessica Lange, Steve Buscemi. Even David Blaine was in the last episode.

Paul Simon was in there. Steven Wright, who me and him had the most fun hanging out. And just a great cast, and I got to thank Louie for that, you know. Again, folks, if you like the show, go to connectpal.com slash Nick to get two to three more shows a week. It's $3.99. It'll take you right to the site. $3.99 a month, which is ridiculously cheap.

If you want to see me live, I'm headed to this weekend, this Saturday night, the Women's Club of Minneapolis on April 9th. And then Dr. Grin's on April 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Dr. Grinz in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Arlington Draft House in Arlington, Virginia on April 29th and 30th. Hot Comedy Club in Yonkers. It's a brand new club, May 13th and 14th.

Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, May 21st. Bobby V's in Windsor Locks, Connecticut on June 4th. And then June 18th, New Milford Fast Eddie's also in New Milford, Connecticut. That's on June 18th. There's more dates. Go to nickdib.com. I think I've touched on all of it. Again, don't forget tonight you got the March Madness, depending on when you listen to this show.

And baseball is back again. That's it. Hey, Lee, tell them how I feel. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. Watch out because I'm...

Cocoa pop, cocoa pop! Without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. Good day, everybody. day everybody guitar solo I'm out.