The Nick DiPaolo Show - 131 - Prince, Cruz and Kasich Team Up, Felons Allowed to Vote, Brady Suspended

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

Prince, Cruz and Kasich Team Up, Felons Allowed to Vote, Brady Suspended

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo. The podcast is on. Good to be with you again, ladies and gentlemen. What is happening out there? Fresh off my Grand Rapids trip. Dr. Grintz. We'll get to that in a few minutes. Anyways, always at the top of the hour, the most important thing is what? Thanking the contributors to the show.

Because let's be honest, folks, I mean, at $3.99 a month, that's less than a buck a week. It fucking hardly keeps me in bologna and cheese, in government cheese. How about a big thanks to Mark R mark rolf who uh the biggest contribution to date a big fat number again i don't give out the numbers but just know that mark rolf has contributed the largest contribution to date to the nick dippolo podcast mark i can't thank you enough unbelievably generous i'd send you a hat and t-shirt, but I don't

do that shit. I'm not Ron Popeil. How about a Nick DiPaolo fucking, I don't know, slingshot. I'm working on that. And my buddy Kevin Sernier with a contribution and always contributes almost every month. Thank you guys

a lot. Seriously. Couldn't do it without yous. But Mark Rolfe, guys, got some tea pockets. A lot has gone on since we last chatted, no? Oh, by the

way, and this is very important too on Mondays because you're listening to this probably on Riotcast or iTunes for free. If you like the too on mondays because you're listening to this probably on riotcast or itunes for free if you like the show which i know you're gonna it's a terrific show i mean we haven't had this much fun since fucking f troop on abc uh if you like the podcast and you want more two to three more shows a week go to connectpal.com slash nick connectpal.com slash nick and uh for 3.99 a month you'll get two to three more shows a week and uh connectpal.com slash nick all right is that all the business i guess so this week i'll be in arlington virginia at the arlington draft house great gig friday and Saturday night.

This has been a busy month for me. It's a dangerous situation, getting on these planes and the fucking terrorists and the drones and pigeons and it's a dangerous situation. Jesus Christ, I ate a bag of these pretzel fucking,

have you seen these pretzel things? Wafer type pretzel things. Pretzel crispsps they call them but it's got to be i've never done heroin but it's got to be like being hooked on heroin i i put a bag of these i opened them and put them on my belly last night after a long weekend of travel watching the goddamn hockey game and uh next thing i know my fucking hand is going at the empty bag I look at the back 770 calories total uh 3,500 milligrams of sodium I look like Jerry Lewis when he's on pregnazone or Hillary when she's dieting my fucking head is like a moon today you ever eat like six pounds of Chinese food and have a couple Heinekens and go right to bed

wake up looking like Rosie O'Donnell or thick-ankled dog face. Gotta sweat today. Gotta do something. Mother of Christ, I'm old and gray. Motherless fucks. Anyways, god damn it. La la la la la la. Dr. Grins, Grand Rapids.

Thank you guys for coming out. New market, so, you know, it was nice nice little town nice little city like wedged in the middle of nowhere i liked it people are very nice midwestern and they're really conservative when i say that i mean you know my politics are like theirs and vice versa uh but they're like i mean like polite people like that would be afraid to laugh at some of my shit. You know what I mean?

They want to be seen laughing in public. So, you know, there was a couple of the early shows were a little tight. I broke them open Saturday night, the second first show. You know, the second shows on both nights are always fine. But, you know, can I just repeat this? I love you guys, but you don't have to get all fucked up to come to a comedy club to have a good time uh there's a guy in the bathroom who got fucking mad at me he sees me pissing before the show it's just me and him in the bedroom i can feel his eyes burning a hole oh nick dippolo and grand rep and he got i i just get done pissing

so i didn't want to i was doing i was trying to be polite I didn't want to, I was doing, I was trying to be polite. I didn't want to shake his hand. And he's like, come on, dude, what the fuck? I mean, his eyes were at half mast, totally shit faced. And you don't have to get like that to come to a goddamn comedy club. If you do, that means you really don't like comedy. I never understood that. Even when I was fucking 28, I didn't get getting all fucked up to go to watch a football game or the red sox i i i don't understand it i don't fucking get it unless you enjoy pissing unless you enjoy paying a cover charge to piss every three minutes i i don't

fucking get it and don't get fucking pissed when i i don't want to shake your hand because i just have my dick in my hand should be thanking me but uh thank you guys for coming out that club is in the club itself is fine but it's in a building with like three or four other bars and shit and live music and uh not the best location and i'm just trying to be polite here but um otherwise uh they do a good job the gm and and the manager and uh it was great let's put it this way i'd do it again but i just uh you know hopefully the dueling piano bars will fucking uh cease to exist those fucking things put on the earth like stds just to fucking irritate people to no goddamn end.

Got some guy doing a shitty Billy Joel cover tune. I'm trying to talk politics upstairs. But that's my fault, isn't it? I really should be at ballets playing in front of 2,000 people. Well, maybe I'll get a puppet. Maybe I'll get a big stupid fucking puppet. Maybe I'll get on a unicycle and and fucking juggle fruit shoot bottle rockets out of my ass because that's really what comedy club audiences want most of them i'll be honest with

you just saying cocaine drip but grand rapids so so yeah grand rapids michigan i uh so that thursday i'm there i got out to the little bistro. It's located, by the way, Delta, don't fly it. They suck a bag of dicks. I hope they die in fiery crashes. Not the fucking people who take Delta, but maybe the people who run it. Because I've taken you three times now in the last month, and only one flight was on time. So you suck ass. Two hours late leaving LaGuardia on Thursday guy comes on he goes yeah

we got a problem with the door handle it'll take about 10-15 minutes to fix we should be on our way we're sitting there it's fucking an hour uh an hour 15 minutes later yeah we're still waiting for the paperwork apparently the paperwork was coming from Cairo and fucking, uh, what the fuck? Okay. Anyways, two hours. What time did my 940 flight leave? By the way, I drove to LaGuardia, went through that cluster. Fuck. It makes, I swear to God, Afghanistan must have better airports. Uh, yeah. So my 940 flight left at 11 fucking uh 40 or yeah 11 foot yeah and then uh on the way home yesterday get on the fucking plane and i and i'm sitting there i'm at the gate early i'm very anal when i fly and i hear a pilot say to another pilot or one of the flight attendants or the guy working behind the con something about this equipment having a problem with it yesterday blah blah blah i hear

the whisper i'm the only one there. I'm there very early. You know? It's like a fucking 840 flight. I'm there at 441. And I hear the fucking, they're talking about the, blah, blah, blah.

Sure enough, we get on the plane. You know the fucking lights that light up the exits that tell you where the exits are that nobody pays attention to? Those weren't working. They were flashing on and off

for some fucking shit. So we're all boarded on the plane and i'm waiting with my paranoid negative fucking negative vibes which usually i and i'm i'm right nine out of ten times with my negativity i call it being a realist they say okay guys uh we got a problem we have to recharge the battery that lights up the toilet lights so you guys know where to dump, unless you're transgender, just you can dump right in the fucking aisle. But anyways, so we had to deplane, after plane, deplane. It's fucking Delta. Mubblers fucks. And they're not held accountable. I was actually filling out, this is true, I'm sitting on the plane, looking at my phone phone i get an email from delta from the last flight i took asking me about my fucking experience on oh did i give them a scathing letter and uh yeah that's why i can't do this anymore for a living it's one thing if it if the flight

fucks up once you know once a year you have an experience like this but now it's not the exception it's the fucking rule and then nobody's held accountable year you have an experience like this But now it's not the exception It's the fucking rule And nobody's held accountable Because you have no choices What am I going to do? Hitchhike to Dr. Grint? I might try that next time Put on a backpack Anyways That was the goddamn weekend

Where's my list of Can you tell I got 12 cups of coffee in me? I'm going to punch somebody in the fucking teeth right now. Myself, actually. Who's who I'm talking about. So I go down on the bistro at the hotel. And, uh,

yeah, I have a cup of coffee and I turn around to, uh, fucking walk out. And, um... have a cup of coffee, and I turn around to fucking walk out. And I see on Fox News or whatever they were watching in the bistro, I see the thing going across the bottom, the scroll, and it says, Singer, Prince Rogers Nelson dead. And Jesus Christ, did that strike me because I dated him for like a year

secretly no I I really like Prince a lot and I really like Prince a lot. And everybody's talking about the lyrics to this song. You know, let's go crazy. Not to mention Daily Beloved, the creepy beginning. But, you know, there's lines in it, lyrics saying, and if the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy, punch a higher floor. Well, he was found dead in an elevator.

I'm not saying it's a conspiracy. I'm just saying. When I first heard he had found him dead in an elevator, he probably fell off the ladder trying to reach the buttons. Nick, that's horrible. I'm just joking. He'd appreciate that. And then his little mustache. But I fucking love Prince.

And let me tell you, if Michael Jackson's career didn't bloom at the same time as his, we'd be praising this guy as the greatest entertainer of all time. In my fucking white, heterosexual male opinion. Oh. her of all time in my fucking white heterosexual male opinion but uh i remember coming home drunk on a friday night when i was in high school late 70s yes you guys do the math it puts me at 74 today uh hello heart still hello uh and i come home and there's something called don kershner's rock concert on friday nights at like midnight or 12 30 whatever i come home fucked up and i remember putting on kershner's rock concert and i see prince on and never seen him before i'm like who

is this little fruit cup all dressed in purple with an eighth grade mustache and he adorable i'm ready to shit all over him cut to me fucking a minute later i'm like uh writing his name down going i gotta go to the mall that's right we bought our albums at the mall couldn't just get on your phone and order them i uh you know downloaded songs i'm like this fucking guy uh i don't even remember what song it was probably little red corvette, but the guitar work, and I'm like, holy shit, this guy's got talent coming out of his ass.

And a tiny ass it was. But that's just a fucking shame, man. You know, really, the great ones, huh? So we got no more Michael Jackson, no more Prince, no more Whitney Houston, that generation, they're all gone, as Jim McKay said after the Munich uh tragedy at the Olympics they're gone they're all gone but all the fucking

huge huge names from the 80s huh Prince uh you know he's one of those guys they say soundtrack your life I was in my 20s man the best times best times of my life. Every time I hear one of those songs, it puts me in that exact moment, that exact space. Usually me getting chlamydia from a hairdresser from Somerville, Mass. Come on, you fucks. That was funny. Yeah.

Yes. Yes, people from Boston will love that joke. But, yeah, I mean, I was in my 20s. I was selling, I told you I was a steak and seafood salesman, door to door. That's right, bug, stop your cackling. And then I saw cable TV door-to-door for time warming a cable and i should have stayed with it my brother did he's in semi-retired right now as i'm telling dick jokes on the fucking mississippi river um but uh that's what i remember i remember when i hear prince songs i had his i had the cassette in my uh my uh maroon camaro and uh i just remember being in like malden mass

at like uh 11 at night and like a shitty neighborhood is about two degrees out i'm knocking doors to sell cable tv and uh i remember fucking listening to prince in my car i'm getting through the night and uh yeah i was single was fucking around, banging all kinds of shit, and, uh, but it's one of those guys, you know, just, uh, fucking love this shit, man, what did he play, 27 instruments, imagine that, I play one, I'll let you guess which one it is, no, it's not the French horn, faggots, you guess which one it is. No, it's not the French horn, faggots.

Hillary, did you like Prince Hillary? This motherfucker was working part-time in a five and dime. His boss was Mr. Motherfucker McGee. Yeah. I hope he doesn't, his people might come after him. He was very careful about protecting his music. That's where he was a real pioneer. I wish somebody in comedy would take the reins. He was a bit too leisurely. That's racist, actually.

His boss was a racist. That was the point. But, uh... I don't like the fact that he got behind Black Lives Matter, but I guess you have to, you know? Or you'd be sued. Anyways, sleep tight, Prince. And more sad news.

Jesus Christ, it's just a black time, isn't it? Patton Oswalt, who I don't know that well. As a matter of fact, he came on Tough Crowd and he made some crack about my joke. I made a black dick joke or something that he didn't like. But anyways, I've grown to really like his comedy over the years, listening to, and he's a very liberal guy from like San Francisco,

whatever, but a cool dude. I know he's good friends with Kevin James. And I listened to his comedy. I hear it on satellite radio and the guy is fucking funny. He was a nerd as a kid, but he's so funny about it and such a smart writer. I've grown to like his comedy a lot. Actually, I direct tweeted him probably six, seven months ago and didn't, you know, I hadn't really talked to him in years and just told him how much I liked a bit of his. he you know he fired back and and we had a nice little chat

whatever on on twitter but his wife passed away i think it was the same day prince uh it was last thursday his wife michelle mcnamara 46 years old passed away in her sleep so seriously uh hearts and prayers to go out to Patton Oswalt. I mean, I can't believe it. He's got like a seven-year-old daughter. And hang in there, Patton. Just keep your chin up, man. I can't imagine.

I cannot imagine like the love of your life and, you know, passing away. Totally unexpected. 46 years old. She was like a creative writer. And so seriously, condolences to Pat and his family. And I'm telling you, life is too short to be doing a two-hour podcast. Anyways, but... So, I don't know what to say.

But let's get on to some political shit, shall we? Shall we, kids? Hillary Clinton. You know, Hillary, we like her here at the show. We like her a lot. She seems to... What? Shut it.

Shut it. She was given a speech in, uh... Where was it? Bridgeport, Connecticut? And, um... Once again, beset by a coughing fit. This broad, she's not even, first of all, resume-wise, she's not even qualified. Try telling that to some broad who votes Democrat. They think because she flew on in a plane and she was a senator that she's overqualified.

She sucked at both, by the way. But she's not even physically qualified. I swear to God, this broad's got TB or some type. I got my fingers crossed. Oh, Nick, that's horrible. I don't give a shit at this point. They're letting felons vote in Virginia. All bets are fucking off.

And I just can't stand this insincere witch. And in a perfect world, everybody would see right through her. But we live in a world where, oh, she has a clitoris. I have a clitoris. Let me pull the lever for her. No, they're ignorant. They are. They are the dumbest motherfuckers on the face. Taurus, let me pull the lever for her. No, they're ignorant. They are.

They are the dumbest motherfuckers on the face. Anyway, she's given a speech in Bridgeport, Connecticut. And once again, I guess she had a box of fucking broken glass and ate some Triscuits before she spoke. Because this happened. And all of the real building blocks of our economy. And so I need your help to do that. I also need your help to let me get a drink of water. Look, they applaud for her.

This is hilarious how embarrassing this is. What a strong woman. Can't get through a speech without spitting up blood. That big bunch of red pubes caught in a throat from her girlfriend, Perry. I've been talking nonstop for weeks now. Yeah. So, forgive me while I stick a lozenge in my mouth here. Yeah, you should try a cock.

What? I would never do that. I would never do that. Oh, look, she reaches down, pulls out a fucking seven-inch black pube. That reminds me, I have to call Diane. Oh, do I hate her. Oh, do I fucking hate her.

Disingenuous. Every speech is the same. We have to bring the country together. Then in the next next breath women aren't making as much money as men blacks are going to prison too much yeah that's how to unify us you fucking empty-headed trite hackneyed remember so she had a bridgeport although i'm gonna give her a break a lot of people they look around bridgeport they start coughing not one of the more beautiful sections of connecticut probably she was probably breathing in some smoke from a tire tire factory fire behind there that's what it smells like when you drive through bridgeport uh but this is her you know a back, give it another speech, and in Harlem.

Excuse me. And there's always like some six-foot lesbian with a beard clapping behind her. You go, girl. Too much to say. Oh, nice wet one. Look at that. They got it.

Oh, my God. How embarrassing. Even Bernie Sanders, whose windpipe is 107 years old. Somebody throw her a fucking cert lined with rat poison. She can't talk. Now she's doing Corleone. Whoa. She can't talk. Now she's doing qualioni. Oh, yes. That's like Ebola shit.

Has it? Luca Brasi? Has it? Luca Brodzi? Representing poor people for the legal services. It was about making people's lives better. You taught me that even if you're young, you don't have a powerful job. Anybody asking about her health? whether she's qualified that way seriously she doesn't look like the type that does uh pilates you know when she's on the road when she was secretary of state guessing she was laying in her fucking bed like me yesterday

with an eight pound bag of fucking pretzel crisps. Hillary, Hillary, Hillary. Represent inmates. Excuse me. They shouldn't be applauding. They should be going. Yeah! Thank you.

Seriously. What the fuck? She goes, I've been talking nonstop. What do you think you're going to be doing if you win the fucking presidency? What are you going to do? Have people sign language? You got to yap nonstop. That's all you do, for Christ's sake.

Somebody get her a speech coach. Maybe Harvey Fierstein. I wanted to be loved, that's all you do for christ's sake somebody get her a speech coach maybe harvey feierstein i wanted to be loved that's all i just wanted to be loved is that so wrong is that so wrong anyway she wore a raspberry beret what what what oh somebody please thank you speaking of politics what's going on on the republican side i mean a virtual i don't see how this is going to end pretty for the gop folks and which uh you know i'm a registered republican but i don't i don't know how to unregister that's why i'm still a registered republican what do you do burn your card like it's a draft card or what do you call the fucking rnc and goes uh yeah rinse previous there hi there

mr rinse yeah you guys are really fucking up you got the election of a lifetime one of the most important and you got uh you got a fucking candidate who might be indicted by the FBI, ankles like a fucking Clydesdale, throat polyps like Reagan's ass tube. I mean, this should be, I mean, just unpopular, high unfavorable ratings, just nothing redeeming about her. And it really should be a fucking home run

and this is the year Donald Trump comes out of nowhere to really. This is how confused I am, folks. And I'm always honest with you guys. There's still a part of me going, is this all scripted? Is this? I mean, you'd never know if it was. You know what I mean? It's almost like I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you i don't know what to tell you but then another part of me goes i keep hearing how if trump is the nominee for the republicans we're going to absolutely hand the white house to hillary and i don't believe that for a second either i don't they keep that's that's what they keep saying that's how they manipulate you that's how they jerk you off. You people who want up on how the media mind fucks you every day. But that's been the message. Oh, every poll says this.

Every poll says that. You know, don't believe fucking any of it. Matter of fact, I thought I saw something today online that what Trump was like even with her now. I'm telling you, he's going to crush her like a fucking grape. Last time I checked, the country was still majority about 68, what is it, 68% of the country

is white people. You know? And you can have all the illegals voting felons and shit, you Democrats and all the dumb college kids. Last time I checked,

you know, you know, they keep saying how the Hispanic vote and the black vote so important i still don't i still don't understand that blacks make up 13 of the population uh if that uh and of course not all 13 of them vote and hispanics are like 23 whites are 68 i i i don't get the math i never will and i i think Trump could crush her, actually.

And he's he's he's you know, he destroyed he crushed in New York and he's crushing. He's ahead in Indiana, which is coming up. And that's supposed to be one like Cruz is supposed to win. And he's obviously taking the tomorrow. There's like all these, you know, Rhode Island, Connecticut, all these northeast liberal, faggy states, everything I fucking hate. They're all voting. I mean, he's crushing in all those states. He's a runaway fucking train. And, um, but it's made it easier for me because if they really try to take it away from him now, because I see he's crushing

in number of votes and shit, I would be fucking furious. You know, Ted Cruz, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is a principled conservative. But the more I hear out of him, he sounds like a fucking used car salesman. You know, he goes into that, into that. You know, Tom, the Donald gets mad. He goes, just speak normally, will you?

But anyways, the big story today is that Ted Cruz and John Kasich, or Kasich, however you want to pronounce it. I've heard it eight different ways on the news. If they can't decide, well, what the fucking matter? It doesn't matter on the Nick DiPaolo podcast. I'm not going to win a fucking Peabody Award here. But Cruz and Kasich are joining forces in a last-ditch effort to deny Donald Trump the presidential nomination on the Republican side. Within minutes of each other, the pair issued statements yesterday saying they will divide their efforts in upcoming contests, with Cruz focusing

on Indiana and Kasich devoting his efforts to Oregon and New Mexico. The strategy, something the two campaigns have been working on for weeks. See, they were even fucking you when they're, you think they're talking to you while they're campaigning. They've been to you, you know, while they're campaigning. They've been planning this behind the scenes.

But they've been working on it for weeks. It's aimed at blocking Trump from getting the 1237, right, so he can claim the nomination. Dividing up some of the remaining primary states by putting forward one strong alternative to trump in in each state could be enough to take away delegates and curb trump's run to the nomination uh crew said we are now focused very heavily on the state of indiana it is significant that john kasich is pulling out of indiana and allowing us to go directly head to head with trump kasich said monday despite the agreement he he still wants Indiana voters to support him. Why would we, you dink?

He says, they ought to vote for me. He's in Philly campaigning. I'm not campaigning in Indiana, and he's not campaigning in these other states. That's all. It's not a big deal, Kasich said. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

Sure it is. Yeah, it is. Sure it is. Cruz's manager, Jeff Rowe, to ensure that we nominate a Republican who can unify the Republican Party and win in November, our campaign will focus its time and resources in Indiana and in turn clear the path for Governor Kasich to compete in Oregon and New Mexico. Kasich's strategist, John Weaver, in a separate statement said, due to the fact that the Indiana primary is win a take all statewide, excuse me, and by congressional district, keeping Trump from winning a plurality in Indiana is critical to keeping him under the 1,237 bound delegates. I'm talking about Trump.

So they're... Is this how it fucking works? Has this happened before? Probably. I don't know. Kasek Kemp has been working for weeks to get Cruz on board with a divide-and-conquer strategy against Trump. See, I mean, this has been going on for weeks, trying to stop him.

There's no... Yeah, so fucked, the GOP. There's no... I don't understand how this is ever going to turn out good. It's going to be a bloodbath in Cleveland. Trump already said, he's already tweeted about this. Oh, lying Ted and Kasich trying to...

He said, I don't know, hashtag desperation or whatever and um you know he's already said man if they try to pull some shit he's gonna take his ball and go home and uh it's fucking crazy but it's so funny it's kind of ironic trump is not a career politician or whatever you know he's an outsider but he's he might be redefining what it means to be a republican or a conservative you know he's kind of fucking so so on the social issues he's surely not conservative he said you know they asked him about caitlin jenna using you know what bathroom at the trump towers would would uh trump have a problem um with you know could

she use whatever bathroom he or she wanted caitlin and he goes yeah sure i don't have a problem um with you know could she use whatever bathroom he or she wanted caitlin and he goes yeah sure i don't have a problem with it which is really pc and not you know a true conservative would have a big problem with it but uh you know that's always people it's been people's opinions it's the it's the cultural shit that holds the republican party back that you know the gay marriage all this all those social issues transgender and all that shit is what's held them back because a lot of people agree with them fiscally about the you know but it's the social issues that but i say those social issues are what we call culture that's what makes up the culture and they're kind of important and um i personally don't you know gay marriage i don't give a fuck and i'm. And I personally don't, you know, gay marriage, I don't give a fuck.

And I'm labeled a conservative. I don't care about that shit that much. Although, I got to be honest with you, if I had a young daughter, I wouldn't want her in a fucking ladies room and having a fucking guy who identifies as a broad come in. And he's got a prick. You don't hear it worded like that. I meet the press here. If I had a daughter and a guy comes in with a prick i'd have a big problem with that chuck todd um but uh you know what i'm saying but uh

trump is kind of uh you know build the wall and all that shit and uh that's very conservative so he might be redefining who knows ironically he could blow the party up and design it redesign it we shall see but the you can't argue with how well he is doing i mean it's astonishing every time the interview goes yeah i think we'll do very well there and i laugh i go how did why does he say that of course he has to say that and then the polls come out and he's crushing. But Indiana, Ted Cruz has to be shitting his little panties. Indiana, I mean, that's conservative. He was supposed to do well there. And he's like a few points behind.

That's why he's, you know, him and Kasich have to try to stop this train. And how does that look? What are the optics on that? I wouldn't be happy, you know, as a Republican. This is the most interesting year in the history of this country, I think, politically. I mean, we all laughed at Trump, remember? Last year in the summer when he said he was going to run? Everybody, including me, yeah, he'll do it and sell a few books and raise his profile.

Little did we all know this motherfucker had an agenda. He had had enough. He had had enough. He has had enough of the way this country's being run. Hillary, would you agree? Yeah, I thought so. So that's interesting, isn't it? Kasich and Cruz trying to double team. Speaking of double team and Ted Cruz,

did you see? Did you see the Did you see the, the, uh, oh my God, this woman, Cersei Hayes. She looks,

they call her the female, uh, Ted Cruz. She appeared on the Maury Povich show. It's so fucking hilarious. The poor thing looks like Ted Cruz in a wig. More than Ted Cruz would look like Ted Cruz in a wig. This poor broad.

I mean, mother of God. Anyways, because of the Maury Povich thing, she's capitalizing on it. She's going to shoot a porno with her boyfriend. What a country, huh. What a country. Huh? What a country. One of the Russians, was it Khrushchev?

Anybody said that, you know, America would bring itself down because we'd like rot from the inside out. I'm paraphrasing. But seriously, how about this? This ugly woman is going to fucking shoot a porn so she can capitalize on her ugly face. And she's going to suck her boyfriend's penis on camera so she can make a few bucks. Welcome to America. Cersei Hayes. She's 21 years old.

She looks like she's fucking 121. She lives in mississippi she accepted a ten thousand dollars or as we say ten large a ten thousand dollar deal with x hamster.com x hamster.com oh god to film a six minute sex tape and says she's not shy because she's made private skin flicks before. Oh, really? I got to see that. Why would you? Can you imagine trying to get a nut off, fellas? You go on YouPorn, you're trying to get a nut off in the broad, in the fucking flick. Looks like Ted Cruz. Your prick would run away out the front door and never be seen again.

Oh, my. Everything is going to help my family. Oh, there you go. She told the Huffington Post. Naturally, I'm sure they back her 100%. So if you want to see Ted Cruz getting fucked in the ass and not by the RNC, go to xhamster.com. You can watch six minutes. She should work on his voice and shit.

They can make it very funny, you know. But I hope her boyfriend dresses up like Trump, puts on a silly blonde fucking Dennis Domenes wig, and, you know, takes his fucking penis out and goes, It's huge. It's huge. But, oh, my God. Go online, New York Post, and you got to see her.

Page nine. It's fucking, oh, the poor thing. Nick says the poor thing after he makes fun of her for ten minutes. That's right. It's called comedy. Lighten up, you dinks. She wore a raspberry beret. You know, but

this song sticks with me. One, two, one, two, three, four. Yeah! with me. Fun with audio. They can't stop Trump. Holy shit, I cannot wait to work out. I'm morphing. I see my reflection in the screen, the computer screen.

I have my reading glasses on. I don't know who I look like. Chubby Italian woman. What else is going on, ladies and gentlemen? Here's why the Democrats suck a bag of cheese and they're just fucking horrible not everybody i'm just saying but they talk about how the right and the republican party is such has moved so far to the right yeah when you believe in the constitution it makes you a real fucking radical oh the tea party they were such extremists yeah they they used to have rallies

where half a million people would show up and there'll be not one piece of litter on the ground. Yeah, they're fucking nuts. How about Terry McAuliffe? If you don't know who he is, he's the governor of Virginia. And I hate him more than I hate Hillary. He used to work for the Clintons. Just a fucking, just a put the party first, fuck the people. And just every time I see his face, I just fucking, what's that feeling in my belly? Anyways, he signed an executive order extending the right to vote for convicted felons in his state who have served their sentences. What a fucking douche. Well, what I tell the Republicans, quit complaining and go out and earn these folks' right to vote for you.

Now, I would rather go out and earn the fucking rights for people to vote, the people who actually get up and pay their taxes and have been good people and who haven't been convicted of felons. That's who we go after not the ignorant uneducated illegal immigrants criminals you need them all you need all the fucking filth for you guys to win uh it's all a fucking ploy i'm sorry but it is all a ploy to get fucking hillary uh it's a couple hundred thousand felons in virginia for you know who have done their time

that can vote, and that can sway an election. Of course, he's saying it's not political at all. No, you're doing out of the good of your heart. You fucking lying motherless fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! We put one billion into education. Our economy's booming. Yeah, it's not booming. You know why it's booming? You probably have prisons there.

And by the way, let's stop that myth of, oh my God, Bernie and Hillary were there. There's more people in prison in the United States than any industrial. Yeah. And you know what? Crime is at a fucking record low and has been for the last, I don't know how many years. You think there's a cause and effect there? Dimwits. He says it works when you welcome people back into society and make them feel good about themselves. Yeah, yeah, but see, you can't do that when you're murdered. Why don't you try welcoming them back?

So these jerk-offs who murder people and do whatever, they get to vote. But the people they kill don't get to do anything. End of story. That's all that argument needs. That's the only logic it needs. Fucking second chance my ass. When you take somebody's life or fucking rob or rape somebody, you lose all your fucking rights

from there on in. You have the right to keep your mouth shut. Fucking be locked up again if you have so much as fart. Anyways, that's how I feel about it but uh this guy what a fucking asshole anything anything to win an election talk about extremist youth clinton praised the virginia governor for signing an executive order to extend voting rights to more than 200 000 convicted felons let's get the racial breakdown on those 200,000 too.

Could we? Yeah. The order allows felons who have served their prison time and finished parole to register to vote. It reverses a Civil War era provision in Virginia's Constitution. Gotta go back a couple hundred years. That's how bad they want it and change shit. I say no second chance.

You lose shit like that. Shouldn't be able to drive either. You should be able to cut my lawn for $4 an hour. Wash my car. And then go back to the halfway house where they should fucking chain you to irradiate it until you're 79.

Anybody? Anybody with me on that? Anybody? Anybody? Hillary? Hillary? All of the real building blocks of our economy. I need your help to do that. I need your help to do that.

I also need your help to let me get a drink of me. I need your help to do that. I need your help to do that. I also need your help to let me get a drink of water. These pubes are fucking killing me. These pubes are killing me. Represent inmates. Inmates who can vote. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. I tried to suck a stain off a dress that I found in Bill's closet. I thought it was gravy. It looked like a roux. You got to cheer on your fucking candidate he's got fucking tb uh that is a horrible cough i gotta tell you last time i heard a cough like that i mean uh yeah it was on the sidelines of the chicago bears game in 1966. Let's hope it ends the same way.

I kid. I would never wish death on anybody. But, uh... Hillary? I guess it's out of her throat. Laying on her bed. She's losing to Trump in the general election. And she's laying on her bed going,'s losing to Trump in the general election and she's laying on her bed going,

it's fourth and long, they won't let me punt. Must be a thousand pounds of... Must be a thousand pounds of pollen in the air. Too much to say. I am having a ball today. Honest to God. 10, 12 cups of coffee. Look at the champ.

They're doing a rhythmic clap for her to cop up that fucking giant red pew ball. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So, let's go to sports, ladies and gentlemen.

Please tell me you've been watching the NHL playoffs. And this is the time of year I always try to convert people from the fucking boring game of basketball. I don't give a shit what you say. Horrible spectator sport. To hockey. Watch game seven tonight. St. Louis Blues, Chicago Blackhawks. I was following the series until I went to Grand Rapids.

And, you know, I was at one of those hotels where they have like 11 stations on the television. And eight of them are fucking CNN. And the other one's like C-SPAN. But anyways, I guess the Blackhawks were down by three goals. The Blues were going to eliminate them in game six. And the fucking Blackhawks, being the defending champs that they are, came roaring back and stole that game. So this is a game seven tonight.

Put it on. You want to see athletes who still give a fuck and who aren't clowns? Watch the NHL. Tremendous. By the way, New York Islanders, who now play in Brooklyn, which I think is cool because that's like the basketball mecca of this planet, Brooklyn, New York. I love that there's hockey there. Maybe it'll spread.

You know? All it takes is like Jay-Z showing up to an Islanders game and you get a whole new audience. It's a dangerous situation. But speaking of sports, Tom Brady, four-game suspension. Upheld, ladies and gentlemen. Upheld. Here we go again. And I gave you my theory on this the first time.

This whole thing, because it's the times we live in, you know. The Bernie Sanders followers, everybody thinks anybody who's doing well has success. It's a rigged game. We've been through it all. I'm not going to rehash the whole fucking thing but a federal appeals court ruled the patriots quarterback must serve a four game deflating suspension imposed by the nfl overturning a lower judge in siding with the league in a battle with the NFL Players Association. Our role is not to determine for ourselves whether Brady participated in a scheme to deflate footballs or whether the suspension imposed by the commissioner

should have been for three games or five games or none at all. Nor is it our role to second-guess the arbitrator's procedural rulings, Judge Barrington Parker wrote in a majority opinion. Our obligation is limited to determining whether the arbitration proceedings and award met the minimum legal standards established by the Labor Management Relations Act. That would be the fucking, you know what, the contract the union has with the NFL. The Second Circuit said the contract between the players and the NFL gave the commissioner authority that was especially broad. Even if an arbitrator makes mistakes of fact or law, we may not disturb an award so long as he acted within the bounds of his bargained for authority, the court said.

The appeals ruling follows a September decision by U.S. Judge Rich Berman that went against the league, letting Brady skip the suspension. But it's been fucking overturned by this three-panel commission. One of the judges on the commission, Judge Rex Ryan, the other one was the coach of the Dolphins. The NFLPA and Brady can petition for a re-hearing in front of the same panel. Jesus Christ, you get enough shots at this?

And then the entire Second Circuit Court or take their appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, though either move is unlikely and would be a steep and costly and time-consuming climb. They would have to request a stay of Brady's suspension during an appeal. Anyways, the panel said the league's discipline was properly grounded in the collective bargaining agreement and that Brady was treated fairly. That's what Judge Robert Katzman, he said this while wearing a New York Jets hat. No, Chief Judge Katzman dissented. Actually, oh, he was the

dissenter. Chief Judge Robert Katzman dissented. Actually, oh, he was the dissenter. Chief Judge Robert Katzman dissented. I am troubled by the commissioner's decision to uphold the unprecedented four-game suspension, Katzman said. The commissioners failed to even consider a highly relevant alternative penalty. So this guy was against this last ruling against Brady saying the commissioner failed to even am I reading that right? Yeah. The appeals court settled the issue will be before the start of the 26-6.

The appeals court settled the issue oh my god the fucking missed typos in this thing. Well before the 2016 season avoiding tension built last year when Brady didn't learn until a week before that he would be allowed to start in the Patriots over. Anyways, we have Jimmy Garoppolo as a backup quarterback, and the kid can play, but he's

going to miss. So Brady, it looks like, and they're not going to appeal it and shit like they said, he's going to miss the first four games against Arizona. That's like the opening night on espn i think against the cardinals who are very tough then we got the dolphins the texans and the bills he'd be back in week five against the cleveland browns brady signed the two-year contract extension during the offseason that dropped his 2016 salary from nine million to a million that could save brady almost they do that for you know to make room for the cap and all that shit

they're geniuses the whole organization i'm saying that literally uh that could save brady almost two million dollars in lost salary during a four-game suspension so maybe they saw this coming. Who knows? But they asked Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, what his opinion was of this latest ruling. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Did they ask Hillary? Anyways. That's the song I hear when I hear Brady's not playing. This is what all the Patriots fans are hearing in our heads right now. Well, Judge Robert Katzman seems to dissent with this latest ruling by this three-panel Mama Luke's.

I'll have to Google him. Maybe he's a Pats fan. You got to admit, that shit has to come into play. It has to. Maybe not. I'm being overly cynical, am I? La la la la la la.

I think that is it for today, kids. I got to work out. I got to do kids. I got to work out. I got to do something. I got to get these. And I've been telling you guys about these hernias. You know, and every time I work out, they fucking, you know, my balls ache. Like, you know when you get hit in the balls with a line drive or somebody kicks you? Or you watch a Hillary speech, you know that feeling?

Every time I work out, even if I drop a deuce, I have belly pains. Some people say I'm pushing it to the limit. I don't want my pubes shaved. That's my big fear. It's too itchy when they grow back. Well, how do you know that? Well, I burned them off with a Kingsford lighter when I was in college like four times. After hooking up with some dirty girls from Lewiston.

But, you know, I mean, fun know i mean that is it kids uh i got this liberal quiz that i've been telling you guys about for the last two shows i'll get to that tomorrow i guess uh it's a whole bunch of questions uh i think dennis prager put it out online whatever answer the question it'll tell you whether you're a goo gobbling fucking jerk off it's fine oh i had a good line i tweeted about the uh you know how the transgender whole fucking confusion about the bathrooms i said it's really getting confused my buddy said to me does a bear shit in the woods i go i don't know does he identify as a bear that's a solid joke get retweeted a lot some guy on on uh twitter said i'm a whiny liberal

but that is a great fucking joke i like he qualified himself as whiny yeah well that is it kids great to be back in my house this is what my wife plays on the piano when I come through the door because she has the house to herself all weekend. This fits her mood perfectly. Alrighty then. Anything else you can think of?

Go to nickdip.com for all my tour dates. I know, like i said this weekend in arlington virginia the draft house friday and saturday night i fucking love this gig i really do i gotta find that i'm supposed to bring an opener or they have one but uh that's it for today i love you people to death uh and you contribute us too uh you guys are great to me the numbers are still climbing we will be the most popular podcast on the air in 2071. It's been projected by Silva, 538.

Thank you. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else. Yeah. No, no. I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like everybody else. You all have a good day now.

I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And I don't want to live my life like everybody else. And I don't want to be destroyed I'm everybody else guitar solo Bye.