The Nick DiPaolo Show - 148 - UFC202, Rape is No Laughing Matter

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

UFC202, Rape is No Laughing Matter

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, hey, kids. What it is? Monday. It's the iTunes version of the Nick DiPaolo podcast, which you get for free on iTunes. But remember this. If you love the show, which most people do when they hear it, they go to connectpal.com slash nick,

and you can sign up for two to three more shows a week at $3.99 a month. connectpal.com slash nick. Yes, that's the place. And this episode is brought to you by the Film Arcade. They have a film out, Don't Think Twice. From writer, director, comedian Mike Birbiglia and Ira Glass, the creator of This American Life, comes the new comedy, Don't Think Twice, from writer, director, comedian Mike Birbiglia and Ira Glass, the creator of This American Life, comes the new comedy, Don't Think Twice. This is the second collaboration between Mike and Ira,

following Mike's successful directorial debut, Sleepwalk With Me. Critically acclaimed. Currently 99% on Rotten Tomatoes, a New York Times critics pick. Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune calls it one of the best movies of the year. Fandango raves it's a perfect movie about the cost of chasing dreams. Entertainment Weekly calls it a love letter to improv. And Mark Olson of the Los Angeles Times calls it unexpectedly moving. The Village Voice says it's the funniest comedy of the summer. All-star cast includes Keegan-Michael Key,

Gillian Jacobs, Mike Birbiglia, Chris Gethardt, Kate Micucci, and Tammy Sager. That's right. Playing in theaters now. Go see it. Don't think twice. All right, kids. It is. it don't think twice all right kids it is oh let's get to the contributions second week i'm getting uh retarded here um thanks these are the people contributed over the weekend i can't thank

you enough anastasia marie chavez a fat contribution. And I mean fat. That's a new subscriber, I believe. And thank you so much, Anastasia. Very generous. Our old buddy, Tim in Cincinnati, also. And our buddy, Brian Melvin. Melvin, excuse me. Another fat contribution from Brian. He's there on a regular basis.

Bunny Galore, our friend, also contributing. And I want to say gironi it says g-i-r-o-n-e uh thank you so much hope i'm reading that right and daniel uh pamatuan who has also contributed many times thank you guys guys for contributing to the show. It is the lifeblood of the show. And I can't thank yous enough. What's going on? It's just a depressing world, isn't it? Some of the shit I'm reading online. Ooh.

We need a little of this. This is what we need on a Monday. Pick us up. Oh, yeah. See everybody! Monday. Pick us up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Again, this is my wedding song. My nickname in high school, the love charger. You are the love charger. You are the love charger.

You are the love charger. You are the love charger. You are the love charger. You are the love charger. I'm so lucky for you. You are my love charger. You are my love charger. You are my love charger.

You are the love charger. You are the love charger. You are the love, Taza. You are my love, Taza. You are my love, Taza. You are my love, Taza. You are my love, Taza. A little burst of Monday morning energy. What do you say, kids? A little fucking keyboard slash flute solo to get your blood pumping. You are love. Love you, love.

You are the powerhouse love. Very, very busy. Okay. Okay. I think that'll do it. How was your weekend? Was it good? Did you have a good one? What did I do? Well, remember I told you a couple weeks ago I made jerk chicken. Well, you know, that shit, that spicy shit is addicting.

I always heard that and didn't believe it, but I had to make a jerk pork loin this weekend. Again, it included 12 scotch bonnets, and I was at the hospital last night having my asshole sewed back on after I tried to move my bowels after eating half a jerk pork loin. My God, there was smoke. It was so goddamn good i'm telling you i had jerk chicken i told you uh me and patrice did something but comedy central on some ship somewhere uh i don't even remember what we were promoting what it was but it was a cruise first time i'd ever been on one of those boats. And I actually, there was a skating rink on the boat, actually.

And I had to do a promo for, I can't remember what it was. You can Google it. I don't know. But I actually fell. I was doing a promo on the rink on skates and fell and screwed up my shoulder. What was the point of this story? Oh, coming back we had to stop in jamaica for a few hours so me and patrice took a drive we had a rental and uh yeah we pulled over at some uh chicken stand on the side of the road in jamaica the home of jerk chicken and jerk anything

and uh had actual jerk chicken a couple of brothers behind the grill like right in the middle of nowhere on the side of the road oh my god we sat down at a picnic table and had the feasts of fucking feasts oh and i'll tell you mine's just as good anyhow uh big weekend huh ufc did you catch it did you catch it ufc conor m McGregor gets revenge on Nate Diaz. As you remember, what was it, back in March, Nate took the fight at about 11 days' notice. He said he didn't even train. He ended up upsetting Conor McGregor. Well, number two was this past weekend, and holy shit, it was all the the fights all the main card events it was the best 60 bucks i had spent in a long time i'll tell you and um here's how the well here's the result from the

decision jeff mowen scores the contest 48 47 mcgregor lindsborger scores it 47-47 and Derek clearly scores it 48-47 for the winner by majority decision the notorious Connor McGregor McGregor McGregor

McGregor McGregor Oh that dirty cocksucker. Yeah, what a fight. All of them were fucking exciting in one way or another. Some of them were shorter than others. But, oh, my God. And I'm glad Conor McGregor won, but I love this Nate Diaz, man. He is the real frigging deal.

But McGregor knocked him down in the first round with that left hand and knocked him down again a couple times. And it was just, oh, my God. He was kicking. The first round, he was kicking the lead leg of Nate Diaz and just kept pounding so much so that it turns out after the fight mcgregor found out he had uh broke he broke his foot on diaz's kicking his leg and uh but he dropped him a couple times in that fucking left hand that nobody seems to know how to block

i know it's fast and everything but jesus you put your right hand keep your right hand up a little bit but um and then uh you know the beginning of the second round was more of the same and uh he dropped him with a left and and then uh he started to run out of gas a little bit the second round conor mcgregor and uh what's his name diaz started landing and uh the third round was, I think, the best. They were just Diaz started to fucking hit McGregor, who looked like he was getting tired and they were wrestling and it was blood. And he was all cut up. Diaz's face was all cut up. And it looked like Diaz in the third round might put Gregor away. And it looked like Diaz in the third round might put Gregor away. Then the fourth round, you know, Connor seemed to have a little bit more life.

And it just, it was everything. It was everything. Usually these fights that are hyped usually don't live up to the hype. But it was everything and more, really. It was so frigging good. Yeah, it was just Diaz actually looked a little more refreshed in the last round. But for Conor McGregor to go, I don't think he ever gone five rounds before. So that was sort of the big takeaway at the end that he showed that he can go five rounds. At the end of the fight, Diaz was on top of him.

It was unbelievable. And when the bell rang and and just both covered in blood and uh Diaz helped McGregor up and they actually hugged each other uh it was a killer fight it was as good as anything I've seen out of UFC and uh at the end the judges scored it uh 48 47 McGregor one of them had it uh tie 47 47 and the other guy had a 48 47 mcgregor uh so he went on a decision and then he grabbed the microphone uh and he goes surprise motherfuckers the king is back because last time when after nate nate diaz uh b mcgregor he grabbedon said i'm not surprised motherfuckers all right this nate diaz man he's just a tough street kid from stockton just uh he just looks like he looks like

i don't know it looks like he must have had a tough upbringing i don't even know if his old man was around but if he was it looks like he's only some fucking b he's got that permanent furled brow and that scowl on his face he doesn't even look that athletic he's got these long arms but just a tough fucking dude just a tough no showbiz dude and i i was just loving it i was loving the attitude and you know mcgregor's off the wall but at at the end of course diaz had to say when joe rogan who again did a great job interviewing him uh diaz says i thought i won that fight he goes they can't have a motherfucker like me winning i'm too real for this sport and he really is there's like no

pretension about him he goes they're gonna make they're gonna uh get me out when they can but it's all good though i don't know why would they get him out fucking people love this guy he's a draw obviously he said i came to this fight worse off than the last time. I didn't get to train. I had injuries. Fuck that, DeAzra. I didn't make any excuses, which he just did by saying he didn't have a good training camp because he had a rib injury while he was spying, I guess.

And he said that McGregor should have finished me off. He says, I want number three. I gave him number two to the second. I gave him number two to the second. I gave him number two the second day, so I'm ready to go. I'm ready to do it again. Fuck that. Then he said, good job today, Conor, but we're going for three for real. And Conor McGregor agreed, but he said, you're going to do it on my terms

because I'm the fucking king. And we're going to do it at 155. That was McGregor said because but he said, you're going to do it on my terms because I'm the fucking king. And we're going to do it at 155. That was McGregor said because they went up in weight for this one. So, oh, my God, it was killer. It was killer. And then there were the other fights on the main card that were, I don't know if I mentioned this. My wife met, she comes home from her horse stables up way up in Westchester and says, I met a UFC fighter.

And she's like, take share it to share. And it was Glover Teixeira. And I go, yeah, I go with him. I go, yeah, he's a Brazilian guy or whatever. Anyhow, he fought Anthony Rumble fucking Johnson, this black dude out of georgia and uh it lasted 13 seconds anthony rumble johnson dropped them with a fucking uppercut dropped them like a used rubber and it lasted there i felt so bad for the guy i really did but this anthony johnson dude and then uh daniel Cormier was in the audience, and he sort of like called him out, but he did it respectively. The crowd, when they put the camera on Cormier, the whole crowd was booing.

I kind of like this Anthony Rumble Johnson. He goes, hey, I don't know why you all booing him. He's a champion. Show him the respect. But we're going to get it on. But this guy, I guess he's the first guy to have over five knockouts in the first round. Just crazy. Fucking crazy powerful.

In shape, black. And like I said, I liked he had a good head on his shoulders. He was really respectful during the interview and shit, but what a badass. What a badass he is. And then you had Donald Cowboy Cerrone. This is what makes the UFC so cool. Because it's sort of a hybrid between actual boxing, right? I'm talking about WWE with the personalities.

But these guys are real. You know what I mean? Like fucking Nate Diaz. You can't get more street fucking Stockton, California. Tough guy. And then you got this guy donald serroni cowboy donald serroni who's ever heard of an italian cowboy um but they're like uh they have their own personalities and shit it's not made up obviously like wwe my favorite wrestler

ever was the old boss remember the big boss man the guy that was he was a fucking corrections officer big redneck with a nightstick uh but anyways uh cowboy uh donald serrani beat uh rick the horror story uh and that was uh a big uh a big deal for serrani beat him in uh tko second round two minutes into the second round and then then, speaking of more personalities, then there's this young, handsome kid, Mike Perry. Muscular, fucking naturally ripped, tattooed. Like, real good-looking guy. Must get, like, pussy-like, you can believe.

But he fought this giant Asian guy, Hyun Guy Lim. And TKO'd him in the first round, three minutes and 38 seconds in. And then they interview him after. He looks fucking as white as can be, but he's talking like a brother. It's so fucking weird, man. It's just fucking weird. But I've never seen a bigger Asian guy. This Asian guy looked like he was 6'3". Big bastard, this limb. And,

but this Perry kid, I think he's gonna be a future star. I think that this was his UFC debut, as a matter of fact. And man, could he fucking,

he's got power. They talked about it before the fight and he dropped this big Asian fuck like a used rubber. I'll say it again. And then you

had tim who's got the best name in ufc tim dirty birds means defeated uh sabah homasi tko in the second round three about three minutes in oh my god this one wasn't even close the dirty bird bloodied this guy sabah homasi who's a tough guy. He looks Arab or Middle Eastern or something. But, man, he was covered in blood. This guy cut him up. It wasn't even close. This fucking Tim Dirty Bird means. But they were awesome fights. And I was sitting there going, should I order this or not, you know?

And I think it was the best so far i think even dean dana white said that but uh like i said you get the best of both where you get real personalities and uh they're just tough dudes and in shape but that's why nate he has i fucking he's just looking he just doesn't look like he doesn't look like an athlete he just looks like a kid who had a tough upbringing and he's got a scowl on his face the whole time but he's ready to do it a third time and like i said conor mcgregor busted his foot on his leg he's limping around after but holy christ i can see why people love this shit i really uh i still love boxing i still love boxing i guess it's because of my age i grew up with boxing but like i I said, the personalities here and stuff.

And then some broads fought, though, but I didn't bother writing those down. Is that sexist? That's horrible. Nick, how can you do that? You blew it! No, I didn't. You blew it! I know who my audience are.

They don't want to hear about it. Some chick named Pennington and somebody else. How's that good for... How's that for sexist reporting? But that was fucking awesome. I won't think twice again about ordering that. I wonder when number three's coming. What in Christ creation?

Hey, you know, it says in a headline here in the Independent, somebody did a study at University of Texas. Women are predisposed by their genetics to have affairs as backup plans if their relationships fail. Even that is sexist, in my opinion. Sexist towards men. Meaning,

see when women cheat on you? When they fucking blow your best friend behind a dumpster? It's genetic. It's not just because they were attracted to the guy and they had 11 uh fucking heinekens in them nick you sound like it no i'm just i'm just saying

they're predisposed well if they're predisposed to cheating what the fuck it's it's in in men's it's in our blood if you when i was in my 20s if you cut me, fucking an STD would spill onto the floor. But I love it because women, it's their genetics. It's not just because they're shallow fucks and they go, hey, I bet you that guy's got a huge cock. I'd like to taste it. Come on. Give me a break. They cheat the same reason we do.

Shallow fucking selfish piggish. Am I right, fellas? Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am. Sure, I am. They're predisposed to it. So we have to... It's the same thing with...

When I see commercials for weight loss. You ever notice? That's me in my 20s, by the way, fucking... This is me now. Oh, my fucking hip. Me in my 20s, by the way, fucking. This is me now. Oh, my fucking hip. Honey, get off. Get off my, ah, my fucking hip.

Oh, both of them. That was my good hip. I do, I got a bulky left hip, and I did P90X. I did the fucking plyometrics again. I am going to be, you're going to see me in a wheelchair in about a year if I don't stop this shit. But it happens when you lay around all week, you know. But yeah, chicks are predisposed. It's like, this reminded me of when you see weight loss commercials. It's always the women in the weight loss commercials. Why are they fat? It's because they had three kids. It's a baby fat. It's never just because they laid on the couch with a can of Cheez Whiz in an IV. It's because they had three kids. It's a baby fat. It's never just because they laid on the couch

with a can of Cheez Whiz and an IV stuck into their arm. It's always because they had kids. Come on. University of Texas study challenges the assumption humans have evolved to have monogamous relationships. Well, I could have fucking told you that.

I really believe, especially for a guy, and and again this will sound misogynist to the girls at UCB I'll get to that in a few minutes but I believe in both men and women it's not natural to be monogamous

it's just more convenient how horrible is that hope the wife doesn't listen to this episode but you know I am the fucking that, you know, I am the fucking... That's right. She knows I am the love charger. Say everybody! I want to say to the world!

The love charger! Do you love chargers? Come on, we know why. We know why guys cheat. Same reason most guys cheat. It's that simple. I was a tits. It's that simple. I was a horrible boyfriend. But most guys are in their 20s and 30s and early 40s and late 50s.

I like big tits. It's that easy. But the team's research has put forward the mate-switching hypothesis, which says humans have evolved to keep testing their relationships and looking for better long term options. The senior author, Dr. David Buss, told the Sunday Times, lifelong monogamy does not characterize the primary mating patterns of humans. Gee, what a breakthrough. what a breakthrough for our distant ancestors when disease poor diet and minimal health care well why is that our distant ancestors you just describe inner city people disease poor diet minimal health care meant that few people live past 30 looking for a more suitable partner was necessary. Affairs serve as a form of mate insurance. Keeping a backup mate should a switch become warranted in the future.

A regular mate may cheat, defect, die, or decline in mate value. Ancestor women lacking a backup mate would have suffered a lapse in protection and resources. So back then our ancestors a woman's like i'm gonna have to blow your buddy bruce because uh if you die i'm gonna be eaten by a stegosaurus is that the theory give me a break giving us way too much credit women are genetically programmed to have affairs. Unbelievable. We're just living in a time of anything is justified.

That's minority, gay, or woman. Any behavior, don't judge it. Just there's a reason for it. Guys, when you do it, you're just fucking shallow, dumb, football-watching, tit-loving morons. Am I correct? You are correct, sir. loving morons. Am I correct? You are correct,

sir. Ever go on the Info Awards website? Alex Jones. Did I get his name right? There's a guy on there, Mark Dice, who goes on the street. I've played a few of these before. He always does

it in San Diego. I told you, right on this beach. I forget the name of the beach, but it's right where, when I used to play the comedy store down in La Jolla. It's the beaches in La Jolla. They used to put us up at Pauly Shore. His mom had a condo right on the beach. And he's like right in front of that building every time.

And he just interviews dummies from the West Coast, mostly liberal, you know, Democrats. He goes out there with a fake assumption just to show how little they know. These are the so-called informed Democratic voters. And this time he went out on the street and he made up this scenario that Obama was going to provide like a 10 percent tax cut just for black people because of what they've gone through and stuff so he just and he approaches you know people of all color obviously on the beach in san diego just people who obviously vote democrat and who are supposedly so much smarter than the dumb republican party and but they're just so ignorant and so typical um so he went out and he just asked a few people again saying yeah obama's gonna plan a 10 tax cut just for black people because of, uh, past hardships. And he just wanted to see how they felt about it.

And you know, what do you think happened? Let's see. Uh, I think it's a great thing. I mean, obviously there's been a big divide with the whole, um, judicial system and just kind of like the whole cop situation all the rights you've been having just listen to the just the pre-programmed horse shit the media you can just they just they've soaked it in from the fucking mainstream media bunch of liberal horse shit and they just regurgitate it what with all the cop stuff she just you know just not taking the time

to differentiate where some shootings were justified and then just you know just you know just not taking the time to differentiate where some shootings were justified and then just you know just you know cops shooting black people so they should get a tax break and and the judicial system's been raping them for years so you know just okay it's just seeped into their blood they they fucking probably the least we can do do you think maybe it's a hipster like a 25 tax a hipster white kid instead or should he increase the the tax break uh i mean yeah he could i don't i don't think it would be unjustified to say that he could do that uh i mean I think it's pretty equal.

You think it was about time for that equality measure to be put in place to give the black people a tax break? I mean, it's a step in the right direction. All you got to do

is push them over the edge when they're hemming and hawing. Just throw in like a buzzword like equality and that's all you got to do is push them over the edge when they're hemming and hawing. Just throw in like a buzzword, like equality, and that's all you got to do. And it just works so beautifully. And they've bought into such. Two words. Black Lives Matter. Big news.

That was a young black kid. He goes, two words, Black Lives Matter. And does the fist. Two words, by the way, Black Lives Matter. And he wasn't trying to be fucking ironic he's dead serious oh god this morning obama's new tax break for poc people of color uh 10 tax break for african-americans and latinos get people's reactions to this is that about time that we we give the people of color a tax break?

Yeah, it sounds very good, actually. How do you think President Obama's tax break for the people of color is going to help benefit you? Well, actually, since I'm basically Mexican, I think it's actually pretty much a good break. I mean, for people that doesn't make that much money, it's really good. for people that doesn't make that much money it's really it's really good for people that doesn't make that much money and he's basically mexican basically i don't know what that means it's the first sign of uneducated people using they were like basically they you know who used to throw in basically every two seconds sugar ray leonard go back and look at any of his interviews when he was doing color commentary. Basically.

Basically. And Emeril Lagasse was another one. He likes to throw in the word basically. How do I notice shit like this? You just do. It's hilarious. No, I think it's a good thing. I mean, I don't know.

If he's trying to help us out, then, you know. It's 10%. Do you think it should have been a 20% tax cut? I mean, that would be nice, but 10% is perfect. And I think it's a great gesture, and I think they should do that. It's an older white guy. Yeah, that's your informed Democratic voter. You really think you'd ever vote for trump any of those fucking people

ah yeah this is dumb on both sides it's just i don't know it's just it's just the point being it's just that political correctness they've bought into this victimhood thing and just it's just out fucking outrageous and not surprised less hmm yeah I would be all right you know the cop shooting and block walk walk hey folks this was just in this morning in the Washington Post, so you know it's true. FBI, that's right, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, uncovers 14,900 more documents in Clinton email probe.

Yeah. yeah FBI's year-long investigation of Clinton's private email server uncovered 14,900 emails and documents from her time as Secretary of State that had not been disclosed by her attorneys and the federal judge on Monday pressed the State Department to begin

releasing emails sooner than mid-October as it planned woo woo woo she has to be shitting her pants her big giant sooner than mid-October as it planned. Woo, woo, woo. She has to be shitting her pants. Her big, giant, fucking adult-dependent bloomers have to be filled with shots of wheatgrass and summer squash. She's got to be shitting her pants. 14,900 Clinton documents and nearly 50% more than the roughly 30,000 emails

that Clinton lawyers deemed work-related and returned to the department in December 2014. Lawyers for the State Department and Judicial Watch, that's a legal group, a conservative legal group, are negotiating a plan for the release of the emails in a civil public records lawsuit before the U.S. District Judge James Boasberg of Washington. In a statement after a hearing at the U.S. District Courthouse in Washington, Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton said the group was pleased that Boasberg rejected the department's proposal to begin releasing documents weekly on October 14th, ordering it instead to prioritize Clinton emails

and to return to court September 22nd with a new plan. See, the State Department and the Obama administration are trying to put this off until after the election. That way she'll already be in office and blah, blah. Either way, she's fucked, in my opinion, you know? Either way, hey, I'm looking out the window, and my old neighbor, Tina, my wife's friend, is on my patio as I do my show. Anyways, back to the show. I hope she doesn't make any noise out there. I'm going to have to go out there and strangle

her, and then I'll have a fucking felony on my hands podcast just strangles neighbor so anyways in a state uh statement state department spokesman mark toner oh this ought to be good said the agency previously agreed voluntarily to hand over emails sent or received by clinton in her official capacity as secretary from 2009 to 2013 but that tens of thousands of documents would have to be carefully appraised at state to separate official records from personal ones. So they wanted to look at them first and separate them. This is how they were going to delay,

to separate the official records from the personal ones. So that's how they were going to delay to separate the official records from the personal ones. So that's how they were going to try to delay it. But this judge is going to get your shit together. We want to hear this by September 22nd. So very interesting. That's almost like I said, it's almost 50% more emails. It's got to be some shit in there. Don't you think so?

But we have to look at them first. It's fucking hilarious and by the way i feel vindicated about all the stories about hillary's uh health again the part about the fbi team coming up to uh you know Westchester and that doctor having a kill switch on his computer. Yeah, that was all horse shit. But, you know, I've watched about 20 stories since I reported that where she's being, you know, pictures don't lie. They show her being helped up the stairs

at Chappaqua and other places. I mean, this broad is not healthy. Matter of fact, I think her and her husband should be at the top of the Deadpool. He, since he's had that open heart, he just doesn't look... I know he's a vegan. But he doesn't look good either. They're both very frail.

You know? So let's hope she goes soon in her sleep. Oh, I'm just kidding, for Christ's sake. Don't get all fucking upset. Uncle Junior, how about a joke? Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks.

Don't you have a vase? That'll be funny till I'm 106. I say it again anyhow any he so let's look forward to those emails there's gotta be some shit in there gotta be by the way i don't know what to believe uh michael goodwin wrote a great story i don't have it in front of me i'm just saying in the new york sunday post about the media completely collapsing that it's completely collapsing, that it's just so there's no shame left in how they defend the Democrats and Hillary Clinton, and it's just they're not even pretending to be neutral now. It's completely collapsed. But nothing will change is what I say. So what?

Nothing's going to change. But it's just embarrassing. I mean, even like like libs are pointing out to other libs how embarrassing it is how they defended her right out they come right in there there was an article and i can't remember who uh but he said it was a liberal journalist so we couldn't do more we couldn't have done more to help her get elected i mean for christ's sake you can't have i mean a free pass independent press, a neutral press is like really important to a healthy democracy, is it not? We are fucked, folks.

Even Fox News, a lot of people call that conservative. I put it on, I haven't seen a positive story about Trump on that in two fucking weeks. Every fucking report. You know? What a jackass he is. And every, you know what it is? It's these pinheads. They want everybody in the media, the people that make a living in Washington, whether

they're the pundits, whether they're politicians, they want to be known and they want to be part of the smartest people in the room. That's all it is. Against dumb rubes like the rest of us who don't do that for a living. That's what it's all about. People saying Republicans who are going to vote for Hillary. I mean, that's all that's about. I'm with you guys. I'm with the smart guy, which is total fucking horseshit.

You are the people that fucked it up anyhow anyhow oh no oh no this is horrible news this is this is horrible news out of the olympics are they done finally i think they ended last night. Fucking quiz! Fucking quiz. Yes, well, this is horrible news. I'm not going to have any jerk-off material now because Ralph Lauren and Speedo are dropping Ryan Lochte from their promotional campaigns

to endorsement deals down the toilet because of the stupidity of him and his buddies that trashed a gas station while they were drunk. And let me give you my take on this, too. Let me ask you a question. If it was if these guys are from any other country, would it be an international fucking incident? And no, I'm not defending their stupidity and their idiot actions because they just

fucking they seem like spoiled brats or whatever. But would it be an international incident would this story still be in the fucking limelight like it is i mean give me a goddamn break but uh you know what happens you know out of this country do well you know when it comes to michael vick and the brothers and shit there's's always, you know, everybody's going to get a second chance, right? I doubt it. Not with all this white privilege. Speedo had signed Lochte to a 10-year deal in 2006. So that means it was up this year anyways,

if you do the math right, you motherless fucks. It said it would end its relationship with a decorated swimmer who has won 12 Olympic medals, including six golds, while wearing its products. i hope he continues to swim and the next time you see him jumping into a pool like on abc he's wearing a burkini like those uh islamic women wear over in france when they go to the beach it looks like they're in fucking beekeeper outfits to hide

their fucking beards and their leathery nipples. What? You heard me. While we have enjoyed a winning relationship with Ryan for over a decade and he has been an important member of the Speedo team, we cannot condone behavior that is counter to the values this brand has long stood for. Who gives a... Nobody gives a

fuck, Speedo. Only people that wear your fucking product are people in their late 70s from europe in uh some young fags fucking quiz hey nick there's no need of that you know you shouldn't talk like that i'm just saying i go to saint bart's it's so funny me and the me and the wife laugh our balls off there was a guy there a couple years ago he had a speedo on he had to be 70 and had a beer gut a belly on him made don zimmer look like a swimsuit model with this tiny fucking fucking spit we were belly laughing his string was like up his ass ever see a gray elephant's ass that wrinkled gray skin we were fucking belly laughing this guy was in and out

of the water you would have thought he was a bodybuilder. He was trying to draw so much attention to himself. And then we're on the beach and this is true. We're on the beach and some guy comes over to me. Somebody, somebody's boat got stranded ashore, like a catamaran. And they needed a bunch of people on the beach to push it. So I said, sure. So I go over there and I'm helping, trying to push this boat back. And who's next to me? Captain fucking Speedo. With his 70-year-old wrinkled French or whatever ass. And I was like throwing up in my mouth as I was pushing this thing. So you girls who, you know, who like to touch your button.

Well, you look at, you know, Ryan Lochte in his underwear. That's not going to happen, though. It's a dangerous situation. We appreciate his many achievements and hope he moves forward and learns from this experience. Oh, shut up. Is this a teachable moment?

The guy got drunk. He was probably cheating on his girlfriend when they were friends and they tried to fucking make up a story and it blew up in his face. Big deal. You would have thought he killed a couple of Brazilian guys at a gas station the way it's being covered. Good.

So he loses his endorsements. But listen, this is where it's overkill to me. And this is where political correctness runs amok. Speedo is going to donate $50,000, $50,000 a portion of Lochte's endorsement fee to save the children, earmarked for Brazilian children. Jesus Christ. Give me a fucking break, could you, for five minutes? Unbelievable.

It's a little much, isn't it? Like I said, if they were from Kyrgyzstan, and, you know, wouldn't hear a peep but the big old bad united states that rotten superpower really the most benevolent superpower ever but uh i know a lot of people don't believe that especially people in my world um but um do you guys remember who the Russian leader was? Was it Khrushchev? Nikita, what's his name? Brezhnev?

I don't know. One of them said that the United States would rot from the inside out. That's how we would fall. And boy, was he right. I was going to Google it, but I'm too fucking lazy. Why do I say that, that we're rotting from the inside out? Well, every day, if you just read the headlines, it's obvious but uh here's another one that proves that point police investigating facebook live broadcast of alleged sexual assault of a 15 year old girl

the footage was reportedly broadcast from both a local park and inside a vehicle and the live show gathered more than his's the sick part 18,000 viewers and 200 shares this whole fucking this whole Facebook has anything good since Facebook provided this technology

this live streaming ability on Facebook have we has there been some good things that have come out of it because you're gonna I mean we've seen we had that terrorist over in France that stabbed the cop to death

and then went in and tortured his wife in front of the three-year-old kid. He streamed that on Facebook. And a bunch of other stuff. It's just fucking, I don't know. Folks, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. This is a quote from a kid on the Facebook facebook feed saying i'm just sitting there watching i heard a girl say record me record me i'm like oh man they must be fixing to do something

said local derrier and demuni who allegedly witnessed the event this kid was there witnessing then he goes and and now listen i'm quoting him so you can you can tell i'm guessing i'm going out on a limb because i know white kids try to talk like they're black but it sounds like a this might have been a black thing uh i hear a boy saying yeah we live we turned up i'm just looking i'm like they fiction to do they fiction that's a southern thing they fiction to do something they got no business doing and they did they did what they did he claimed as well as confirming that the victim looked very young to muni also added it looked like a girl had special needs and what did you do kid did you call the cops what did you fucking though the police are currently investigating the perpetrators, University of Memphis law professor Steve Mulroy claims that those who watched, shared or took pictures of the incident online may also face criminal action under child pornography laws.

pornography isn't it isn't it tantamount again this is all brand new you know because because because of social media i don't know these laws cover the law makes it clear this guy says steve mulroy the professor law professor uh makes it clear that not only is it illegal to create child porn sell it buy it or to distribute it it's also legal just to possess child porn, which, yeah, if you're watching it, you're possessing it. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? What the fuck? Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating

like me unbelievable it's sad it's really sad said local arkisha martin are there any uh suzy jones's anymore i feel for the parent of the young lady and i feel for her too you boys ruined that young lady's life whether she was disabled or not a disabled you ruined her life she'll never be able to come back from this and i hope you won't either i agree i'm with you lady to share it and think it's okay it's cool they're just as perverted and and messed up in the head as the ones that did it martin said of those who watched

live stream exactly right exactly right jesus christ it you know because we're a media-driven society we're media-driven and people want to be a part of something that goes you know goes live nationwide because it kind of makes you famous too. It's sick. I started off as a comedian. Yeah, because I wanted to get on TV to be a comedian.

But I'm in show business. Now people are like, oh, watch me throw this cat into a food processor. And they put their face right next to the food processor. It got two million hips. Look look i'd be famous too it's it we've we've we're so media driven and this is just another form of social media it's instant gratification you don't have to you don't have to tell jokes in comedy clubs for 30 years and and try to you know whatever get a movie or tv show no no now you just do something fucking silly on facebook something stupid it goes viral and uh this is all part of it whether something is gross and just uh

depraved as this. Unbelievable. I'm actually glad I'm not good with this technology. I couldn't fucking watch something like that. Somebody on Twitter sent me, somebody tweeted, I think Bob Levy retweeted it. But it was a Muslim woman. I don't know how they, I guess she was Muslim. It disturbed me too much. But she was holding a newborn baby.

I'm telling you, the thing looked like it was a month old. And she was slapping it across the face. I mean, slapping it across the face. And it fucking ruined my, what was left of my Sunday. I looked, I couldn't get it out of my head, I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't get it out of my head. I was trying to watch TV, and I couldn't get it out of my head.

It put me in, like, this shitty mood, and just, shit, I wouldn't, I would have never chosen to watch it. That bugs me more than, you know, it just, absolutely horrible. Something, you know, don't get me wrong. I'm one of these guys. I've seen beheading videos. I've watched one, I think, and that was enough for me. And it disturbed me to no fucking end, you know.

But the defenselessness, it just fucked with my head the rest of the day. It's fucking weird. So give me a heads up, Reverend Bob. You're going to send that shit to me. But it's the world we live in, isn't it? It's fucking crazy. And then finally, somebody asked me, one of my buddy's followers on Twitter.

And I said, what do you think of this whole, you guys heard this whole story about this comedian being accused, allegedly accused of being a, you know, a rapist at the UCB. That's the Upright Citizens Brigade, which ironically named for this story, the Upright Citizens Brigade. A male comedian has been accused of rape by multiple women after an internal investigation banned uh you know they banned him from the upright citizens theater although no charges have been filed and ucb hadn't released a statement word quickly spread this story's probably a week old or so more than that uh through the tight-knit community via social media what else text messages private facebook groups details were scarce a message posted in several private facebook groups for female comedians on

behalf of one of the women said several other had come forward to accuse a comic named aaron glazer of sexual assault and included the email of a ucb counselor that other woman could contact eventually another woman anonymously spoke to the press saying uh glazer sexually assaulted her years earlier um the owner of the comedy club venue, Creek and Cave, where I have worked. It's a tiny little place in Long Island City. Banned Glazer, too,

with her posting on Facebook. If you've been banned from a comedy venue in New York City for rape, you are also banned from my venue. I know that woman, too. I will not participate

in the creation of another Cosby. Okay, but Jesus, so let's, you know, and again, I don't know enough about this either way. I'm saying, but let's not. But over the past two days, guys have started to react to the story. Over the past two days, I've spoken with a dozen women in comedy. Every one of them had a story to tell about inappropriate conduct by a male comic.

Really? Every one of them had a story to tell about inappropriate conduct by a male comic? Yeah, that's because the rules have changed. And again, I'm not defending this kid because I don't know enough about it. He may have done it, may not have done it. But the fact that this sentence here,

every one of them had a story to tell about inappropriate conduct by a male commentator, that's because the word inappropriate, the phrase inappropriate conduct has widened its scope. If you touch a girl's elbow to talk to her, it's now inappropriate. So that really isn't that scary a sentence. I mean, you've been trying

to legislate male behavior you're trying to legislate male behavior right out of males is what you've been trying to do the feminist movement has tried and again i'm not defending this kid he could be the scumbag i'm just saying um but these women uh they had been propositioned harassed touched heckled in a sexual manner while on stage. Some had been sexually assaulted. Many requested anonymity, fearful of potential career repercussions or simply being attacked by a mob of misogynistic trolls. Most of them spoke appreciatively about allies in the community, about the support of men who want to help and those who have reached out wanting to learn but then there are the other men the ones like michael che who i know and couldn't be a cooler dude and kurt metzger who i

like a lot and kurt snow by the way kurt snow right-leaning fucking uh conservative uh whatever me and him politically bang heads every time we get together. He thinks I'm nuts. I think he's nuts. But not on all shit. We agree on some shit. But Michael Che, a former Daily Show correspondent. You know, he's a black guy on SNL, Weekend Update. And writer. Great guy, funny dude.

Posted a message on his private Facebook page over the weekend reading, Three different people messaged me about a comic that got banned from comedy clubs for raping girls. Messaged me, he said. Then in all capital letters, he says, call the fucking police. So the penalty for mass rape is not getting to do comedy in a club for free? Way to take a stand. What fucking planet am I on? That's what Michael Chase said, which seems to me like a pretty accurate reaction.

Metzger, who I know, and you saw him on Horse and Pete with me, who writes for Amy Schumer and Louis C.K. Show, despite a history of Twitter harassment, I don't know what the fuck that means. Is he doing the harassing or getting harassed? I know he got harassed for defending somebody who told a rape joke.

He wrote a longer Facebook status on his public page demanding the victims come forward to provide proof of glazer's assaults and castigating them for not filing police reports which to me doesn't seem like an outrageous outrageous position to take you know and i understand women this is this is this is a perfect storm, okay? This is a perfect storm, a nightmare scenario. Because you're not going to find more liberal women than in improv groups and in comedy and in the liberal arts. You think girls are touchy that work in office buildings for corporations and shit now.

Try getting them, you know, vagina monologues, that whole fucking scene. And that's what these, you know, these women are ultra liberal. Ultra liberal. 99.9% of them. And they're young. I can't imagine being a guy trying to fucking,

you know, interact with these girls, whether professionally or not, and being an attracted one and know what to do without getting and again i'm not i'm not taking either side here but i'm just saying these girls have swallowed this whole victim thing uh hook line and sinker and all men of potential rapists that's been drilled into the head since they were born they probably you know a lot of them are in their 20s and shit. But the reaction of some of the guys in the comedy community is really disappointing, says 26-year-old L.A. comedian Nikki Black,

especially when it comes to someone like Michael Che or Kurt Metzger, who has an audience and a platform that they could use for good. So they're supposed to buy into your point of view just because they have a platform and i mean using it to judge emotional reactions and actions of rape no alleged rape victims i miss nicky black black who responded to metzger in a blog post titled kurt metzger needs to shut up says that not only does the why don't you just tell the police argument and lobbed by both che and mesca discount the emotional realities of trauma it ignores the fact that reporting rape isn't likely to result in jail time for the rapist okay so what are you supposed to do just

keep your mouth shut hey you know it's one of the fucking other isn't 97% of rapists never see a day in jail, she writes. We've been forced to work outside the system and do things like ban people from shows because the system isn't helping us. Again, a victim of the system, of the fucking white male patriarch, the whole fucking horseshit. It remains unclear whether any of Glazer's alleged victims reported the incidents to the police as well as working with UCB. Did Everton and maybe they're not sure themselves? You know, it's just we live in a times where obviously, how dare you question a rape victim. So Kurt Metzger, you know, I guess he's still going back and forth on Twitter with this Nikki Black. Gee, I wonder how she voted. Female comedian in L.A.

He's criticized her face, hair, and tattoos. I call those ad hominem attacks as As part of a tweet and storm against leftists and social justice warriors. And they deserve to be fucking questioned and challenged. Ask around how well trying to smear me on social media works. This is Kurt talking. I got a long history of dancing out of your bullshit charges, he tweeted Monday.

And a Facebook post Wednesday night, this is again, this was a few days ago. He apologized for offending rape victims, clarifying that his anger is against social media mobs which it is i've talked to him about this and um it's true and again we don't really know either way do we but amy schumer publicly disavowed metzger's social media post wednesday tweeting i am so sad and disappointed in current metzger he's my friend and a great I am so sad and disappointed in Kurt Metzger. He's my friend and a great writer, and I couldn't be more against his recent actions.

In a follow-up post, she said, Metzger is not employed by the show, which is not currently in production. Well, I know he writes for the show. He's not, I guess technically he's not an employer because they're not in production, right? Is that what she means? And will he ever write again for them? Will they still be friends?

I hope the fuck. I mean, it's just, what a, it is brutal, man. I can't imagine. Because this whole social justice mentality, you know, there's something called

due process that they don't give a fuck about, you know? And they really are. It's a mob mentality online before anybody knows the truth they're ganging up and ruining people's careers and shit and i i kind of give props to metzger standing up and fighting that angle on it and i don't think he's defending this guy you know so you know you women are fucking liars i don't think he's saying that either

but uh you do have to go to the authorities at some point don't you if you really believe the guy's a rapist and you want it stopped but my career but it'll ruin my career i won't be able to play fucking creaking cave a 12 seat room in long island city really what's that say about you? Anyhow, my buddy, I think it was Carl, my buddy online wanted me to weigh in. But that's my take. That nobody knows the truth. But I do agree that the authorities have to be notified if there's multiple girls coming forward,

but I also agree that the landscape has changed for guys. It's unbelievable what feminism, I told you, and I've said it on many shows, it's at the heart of the political correctness when it goes too far and run amok. I'm just saying. And I'm not saying guys like this don't exist because they fucking do there's a lot of scumbags out there but don't don't don't use

the excuses well i don't want to i didn't come forward because i don't want to ruin my career either what anyhow and and don't go after guys like michael che and kirk metzger who say why why why don't you call the cops? I don't think it was that outrageous a stance that either one of them took. But then again, like I said, you're not going to find a big assess pool of ultra-liberal fucking man-hating machines in the liberal arts.

And anyhow, that's my two fucking cents. But I know one thing, Dave. You can't legislate male DNA out of the fucking world. You know what I'm saying? You do. You see him on the stage. You don't know what to do. I like big tits.

That's right. I try to look away. You do? But I can't resist. Every time. Well, anyhow. If the kid indeed was doing this shit, I hope they get him. And if he isn't,

I hope they fucking clear his name with the same energy that you besmirched it with. Remember Michael Corleone? Something like that. Clear my name with the same energy. But that kid's... Now, how does he... Let's say this ends up being false.

How about his career? Huh? Good luck. but that kid's now how does he let's say this ends up being false how about his career huh good luck i lean right in my politics mr glazer and i've had fucking some shit go down and show business is my political leanings again hard to prove a lot of them but and uh so yeah good luck I mean let's say His name is Claire Do you think any woman In Hollywood's gonna go Yeah Let's hire him

Or even let him do comedy In a club So I think he's finished Either way Oh boy I don't know what The fuck is going on This is... You're raping me. This is rape.

This is rape. This is rape. This is the green room at UCB, apparently. Relax your arms. Ay-yi-yi. Well, that is it, kids. That's the Monday show. Again, go to connectpal.com slash nick if you want two to three more shows a week.

Connectpal.com slash nick. two to three more shows a week. Connectpal.com slash Nick. Two to three more shows a week. What the hell else? Tile Your Hall in Chicago. I'll be there. It's getting close. I've been plugging this one for a while. September 3rd.

Still tickets available, I believe. I'm going to get there a couple days early and do the man cow show, the morning show in Chicago, Thursday and Friday. I'm going to do them. Yeah. Before the gig, those two days. Can't I'm looking forward to that. Had a good time last time I was in Chicago. And where else? The Hot Comedy Club and Yonkers. I'll be making my second appearance. We're going to try to do that once a month. Hot Comedy Club, September 21st. I want to see all you people that were there last time and bring some folks with you this time.

Sacred Heart University on the 23rd of September. Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie. That is September 24th. And then Helium in St. Louis, September 29, 30, and October 1. The Ridgefield Playhouse. Oh, I got an update on that. Ridgefield Playhouse, October 8th. It's my favorite gig.

And then the Brokerage, Belmore, Long Island, October 13 through 15. Yes, I'm looking for a venue to shoot this next hour. One of my top choices is Suffolk Theater. I think I brought it up on the last show. And Riverhead, New York. I've been there, performed many times. This Ornate Theater. I love it. It's last show In Riverhead, New York I've been there, performed many times This Ornate Theater I love it, it's gorgeous

The crowds are always great So that would be one of my top choices And maybe the Paramount In Peekskill, New York There's a few So I'll keep you updated on that Alright kids I think that should do it

Have I covered it all? And don't forget the All right, kids? I think that should do it. Have I covered it all? And don't forget the movie from Birbigley and Ira Glass, which is Don't Think Twice. It's getting rave reviews. All right? I think that shall do it. I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Sure. Hey, hey, I saved the world today. And everybody's happy now the bad things gone away. And everybody's happy now the good things here to stay. Please let it stay. Hey, hey, I saved the world today. And everybody's happy now. The bad things gone guitar solo I'm out.