The Nick DiPaolo Show - 180 - Trump Sends World a Message

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

Trump Sends World a Message

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on top of your $3.99 a month. Jonathan Keller, a nice fat contribution, as usual, one of the best. My buddy Dennis has contributed. And Bunny Galore, also a regular contributor. Thank you guys so much. How are you? Yes, Trump sent the world a message.

Not just Assad and Putin. He sent the whole world a message. 59 of them. Saying, don't fuck with us. After eight years of feckless Obama foreign policy, America's back on the world stage, ready to take a leadership role. I don't know how you feel about that. Some countries, obviously, like allies, are excited about it. Other people are shitting their pants.

And of course, the usual fucking I'll get to it in a few seconds. Hey, Yahoo News. And again, I try to get it off my phone. uh and of course the usual fucking i'll get to it in a few seconds hey yahoo news and again i try to get it off my phone you can't i know you guys uh gave me you know tips on how to but it's on there i can't fucking stop and i just laugh at yahoo news it's such left-wing horseshit it's just it fucking makes me ill here like here's some of the headlines you see you're like what are you talking about, Nick? Well, former Equinox employee opened fires at a Florida gym, killing two of his coworkers.

And, of course, there's a picture of the two victims. But why not put the fucking crazy black guy who did it? Black guy was fired, bodybuilder, probably roid rage. Everybody's saying what a sweetheart he was, blah, blah, blah. Comes in and like a fucking gutless coward that he is kills two people in cold blood at the gym but the picture again is of two white people and uh when i read it it's you know when you read the headline it looks like you would think like okay maybe i'm getting a little paranoid but why not put a picture of the the black dude doing curl maybe you already did maybe. Maybe I'm wrong, Yahoo. Maybe he already did the day it happened.

I don't know. But they have a picture of him on drudge. He's in his tank top doing curls, all roided out with a Yankees cap on. And that should be the picture next to the headline. I looked at it and went, wait a minute. Was that a white guy that killed the girl with Jim? Oh, that's two white victims. Okay.

But, you know, you're going, that's getting a little picky. No, I'm just saying this is Yahoo fucking news. And then their next story headline is, groom left 25,000 euro bill after wife-to-be dumped him for another woman six weeks before wedding. And again, that's just emasculation. That's how I see that. You got to know the spirit of the person that put the headline up there.

You know, so a chick left a guy for a chick. That's really what they want you to know. And I'm telling you, they didn't put that up there in a negative way. Here's another one, another headline. This guy's prom date rejected him, so he showed up with Kylie Jenner insteadner instead well that's actually a good one i'll give him that one what the fuck kylie jenner god when i was in high school prom time who could have i called as a celebrity if my girlfriend blew me off who should have back then i would have i would have bobby you are i would have went to i would have taken bobby out to my have, I would have, Bobby Orr, I would have went to, I would have taken Bobby Orr to my prom, and nobody would have said shit, that's how loved he is.

Anyways, Yahoo News, stop with your fucking horseshit headlines, I don't know how to get you off my phone, you're like an STD, you son of a bitch. But, uh, what the hell else? Yeah, let's get to it. Since the last time I talked to you, the world is we have folks we have we have U.S. Navy steaming towards North Korea. We have a buildup of fucking Russian ships off the, you know, off the coast of Europe, Iranian ships. It's we're on the verge. We are on the fucking verge. And last week, Trump sent a message after a chemical attack in Syria. And you guys saw the pictures on TV. Literally, my eyes were welling up at these babies and kids just convulsing because of the chemical attack and shit. And obviously, it had an effect on President Trump.

And so he hits back. obviously had an effect on president trump and uh so he hits back we gave russia an hour's notice if they had anybody people any people near that airfield that we're gonna fucking blow it up so i don't know you there's a million storylines here number one uh is this proof that trump and and russia weren't colluding to beat hillary the election? Or is it people saying it's a setup for that reason, to make it look like he hit it? I mean, there's a million ways you can go with this fucking story. And, of course, you know, there's people, you know, you're getting all kinds of different opinions from Congress,

and I'll get to those clips in a second uh tillerson tillerson like at the end of march right at the end of march he said that uh the people of syria will determine and i'm paraphrasing how long asad will stay in power which is was kind of fucking silly but now you get, like, John McCain saying, that's the reason us saying that gave Assad sort of a green light to do what he did. And it's really Russia telling Assad what to do. We know how this fuck, this is like a proxy war, okay? It's getting really creepy. I'll play all the clips.

McCain has a take on the bombing, naturally. So does Rand paul and again kind of predictable but uh what do you got what do you believe i mean some people say oh how about ran paul's dad ron paul saying it's probably a false flag there was no reason for aside to use chemical weapons at this point when he when he has things in hand and he thinks it might have been a false flag. In other words, just a reason for us to fucking bomb. That's pretty cynical. But the Paul family,

at least the old man was always a little wacky. Their isolationist, I don't totally disagree with Rand Paul saying that we should go to Congress first before we do shit like that. And now you have to get into the discussion about Article I and Article II, the Constitution.

Does the president have the power to go to war? This is like the third or fourth president in my lifetime we've had this discussion. Can we fucking clear it up, please? Does the Constitution, the words, they either mean something or they don't? For the love of fucking Christ. What does the War Powers Act say? It says, real quickly, not to get too heavy here, declaring war.

The United States has not formally declared war since World War II. Under Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, Congress has sole power, in quotes, to declare war and grant letters of mark and reprisal. But Article 2, Section 2 provides that the president shall be commander-in-chief of the Army and Navy of the United States. Well, it's clear that the frame is intended for Congress alone to declare war. Presidents don't always check in with Congress before acting. You don't say. After President Harry Truman bypassed Congress to go to war in Korea, presidents have paid almost no attention to the constitutional requirements

uh declaring less than war this article is 1973 an irate congress passed the war powers act you're like well what the fuck is that that was in response to president lyndon johnson and nixon's prosecution of the war in Vietnam without a congressional declaration. Under the War Powers Act, the president has 90 days after introducing troops into hostilities to obtain congressional approval of that action. It looks good on paper, but presidents have generally ignored the War Powers Act, citing Article 2, Section 2, which I just did, as their authority to send soldiers into combat. So can we fucking clear that up one way or the other? I'm getting sick of hearing it. Personally, and this might surprise you,

because I seem like a guy that likes to shoot from the... I think it's kind of a good idea that we discuss it with Congress. I don't know. Then again, the way Congress, there's such a divide now along party lines and shit. I don't know how that vote has to break down for him to get authorization but you know something tells me the dems and the libs would never let us bomb anything anywhere although he trump did get some thumbs up from people across the aisle

on the bombing because when you see dead babies and shit it's even hard for fucking the peloses of the world and the you know tim canes and and uh to to really you know what are you gonna go out and go oh fuck that then you look like a real mama luke right but trump uh sent the fucking message not just to alab not just to assad but to putin too really i think more to putin to be honest with you but now people are going i'm watching the sund Sunday morning shows. That scares me. Does Trump just watch TV, see something that bothers him, and decides to bomb?

The guy can, no matter what he does. You really think that's how it went down? You really think he didn't sit down with those amazing military people that he appointed, like Mattis? You really think he didn't kick around Kelly and Mattis and all these revered military people? Of course he did. Stop your fucking silliness, you know? They're making him up to be Colonel Kurtz. Napalm, son?

Nothing smells like that? I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Oh, thank you. You know one time we had a hail bomb for 12 hours and when it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of them, not one stinking dink body. Of course that's Mad Dog Mattis talking. No, that's Colonel Kurtz, obviously. But nothing smells like napalm. Yeah, my wife's cooking does. Get the fuck out of here. Oh! Matt is talking. No, that's Colonel Kurtz, obviously. But nothing smells like napalm.

Yeah, my wife's cooking does. Get the fuck out of here. Oh! Take it easy. Anyhow, so Jesus Christ. But, you know, I think, like I said, I don't think it's a bad thing if you chat it out with Congress before you do it. But none of the presidents have since Truman. So why should Trump be any different? And, you know, it's weird, though. I got to kind of agree with fucking wacky Ron Paul.

The timing was weird because I think Assad sort of had the rebels in check over there so i don't know so fucking cynical who knows read the bilderberg i'll say it again read the the truth about the bilderberg group and you'll really fucking so uh either way we're in it now and um like i said there was a lot of different opinions uh as far as uh first here's what tellerson said back on i think it was around march 30th and uh that some people are pointing to and saying this is why asad thought he had uh you know had the right to do some more of this heinous shit dropping chemicals on his own fucking people what a psycho but this is what uh tillis has said i think the the status and the longer term longer term status

of president of president assad will be decided by the syrian people well maybe when assad uh heard that and putin heard that now again was that set on purpose to set up this fucking bombing i don't know who am i going a pile i have no idea but that's what some people are saying is what uh john mccain to me seems like he's all over the map but he was mostly for what trump did and he's no friend of trump we know that much here's what mccain had to say and we give him a little more obviously he has a little more gravitas in this field because, you know, he's a war hero, regardless of what fucking President Trump said. I think it's important. I think it's the right thing to do. I think it's a signal that the president of the United States is listening carefully to the best national security team that I've seen.

But we got a long, long way to go. Yeah, we do. It's going to get messy, especially with fucking Iran involved. So that was McCain's take. He was for it, but he says the message is incoherent from Tillerson and the Trump. That was his big beef. You always hear that.

So that was McCain's take on it. Then Rand Paul, who we know, if he followed politics at all, is sort of an isolationist like the old man. Here's his take. Again, he has a beef about whether the president has the authorization. The authorization. It's a dangerous situation to drop bombs in Syria. Here's Rand Paul. First concern is this is why we should have a deliberate discussion

this is why this should originate in congress this is why our founding fathers said under the constitution that war should be debated fully by congress initiated and declared by congress but the president really doesn't have the authority under the constitution to initiate war. Quiet. Quiet like a bitch. Anyhow, yeah, that's true, but you know what? The Farnock brothers didn't know Congress was going to be a bunch of fucking assholes

and have an approval rating of negative 11% at this juncture in our country's history. And it would be so partisan and would we ever get anything off the ground uh i don't know but uh i don't know where i stand again i you know congress could kick it out if they're gonna do that the congress should have like a time limit yeah you can get that you can discuss it for uh for for 12 hours and then come to your decision i don't know

uh but uh anyhow here's where we are and like i said we get fucking frigates uh steaming towards Iran have spoken. And yeah, they pledged Russia and Iran today or yesterday pledged to hit back against further Syrian strikes as they blast the United States for crossing red line. What fucking red lines? What are you talking about? And there's a picture, of course, of Putin shaking hands with the jerk off from Syria. The president, you know, the fucking raghead. What's his name? Husani. Fucking President Hassan Rouhani. He's the one who condemned flagrant U.S. aggression on Syria.

Okay. Yeah, because you're the moral authority. Shouldn't you be witnessing gay people being thrown off buildings today? Aren't you too busy, you fucking psycho? Kill all the fags.

Kill all the homosexualosexuals Putin shaking hands with that scumbag it's a nice axis of evil we get North Korea Iran Russia lining up it's getting ugly Syria uh the Iranian the Iranian leader he's a key ally of bashar al-assad i call him bashar al asshole uh he called yesterday for an impartial investigation into the chemical attack that killed at least 70 people don't make me laugh you fucking impartial what red lines are they talking about that we crossed? I don't remember them saying, if you drop bombs on us, we're going to

hit you back. But anyways, the raghead warned that American strikes in response to the escalating extremism in the region. Oh, we risk escalating extremism in the region. Is that even possible? How can you get any more extreme?

In a phone call with the Syrian dictator, Rouhani told him allegations that Syria launched the chemical attack were just a pretext to disrupt the Syrian peace process. What the fuck? So he's already made up his mind. So why have an investigation? It sounds like it's already slanted. he's already made up his mind. So why have an investigation? It sounds like it's already slanted. However, the evidence that Assad regime carried out the horrific chemical attack is overwhelming. Experts say autopsies confirmed there were chemical agents used in the bombing, which witnesses said was carried out by Syrian aircraft. And most of the international community

has backed Trump's decision to retaliate with an airstrike of course those are our gulf friends you know the united arab emirates and the uh the saudis of course their thumbs up because uh you know they want to crush isis and all the fucking terrorists and again this was all caused by jerk off in chief, um, former president of the Harvard law review, Marxist, culturist, fucking cultural Marxist and, uh, all around chooch Barack Obama. Don't, so don't, don't forget that in all this mess, him drawing that red line, they're not enforcing it cause the whole fucking crisis in Syria.

Everybody seems to. I don't even hear people on the left arguing that. So and he's been quiet lately, huh? It's probably huddling up with Susan Rice and see how they can get out of this mess. What a fucking what a first couple of months, though. Trump has to be going to bed at night going, what the fuck was I doing? I could be getting blown at Mar-a-Lago, playing 72 hours Mar-a-Lago. I can't even say that. And playing 72 rounds of golf. But no.

So the Syrian State News Agency, that would be SANA, S-A-N-A, said Assad told Rouhani the Syrian people and army were determined to crush terrorism in every part of the Syrian territory. That's a reference to the rebels who've been fighting his bloody rule for six years. He has to go. Okay. He has to go. Putin really has to go too. Because Assad's just a puppet of fucking Putin.

You know that, don't you? That chemical vaga. You know the Russians knew that was coming. Please. Let's not be gay here, okay? But they both have to go. You got to space them out, though. It'll look too obvious.

If Assad fucking dies on Thursday, and then, you know, Putin dies the following day. We got to spread it out. Anyhow. So it was like 59 Tomahawk missiles did you see the footage and uh i guess only one one like landed in the ocean the others they can control these things in midair okay they can redirect them in midair and shit and i'm talking flying like a thousand miles fucking they hit they hit a bunch of planes i don't know why they didn't blow up the fucking runway and crater that because asad was flying a few days later he's always he's already

flying planes out of there i don't know it seems too fucking orchestrated doesn't it but uh overall i give it a thumbs up for trump but again you, you got McCain and Rand Paul disagreeing completely. And I don't know what to fucking tell you, folks. Where was I this weekend? I was here. I did comedy in the city at the stand on, was it Friday night? Did I guess? What a great little room that is. I'll tell you. Same with the cellar. And I'll say it again for you comedy fans.

If you come to New York, go to the comedy cellar or the stand. Those are the two best. And my boy, again, Ron Bennington, radio guy, went on after me. He's funny because uh i don't think ron digs my politics but he's a cool cat about it and he gives me little zingers after and uh of course i'm yelling shit out which you should never do only i just feel like i know ron now and uh he's busting my balls making me out to be archie bunker on stage well he might not be that far off uh there's a lot of archie bunkers folks okay and uh that's not a bad thing hey here's what made me nervous and what i heard uh i'm not there's no article or whatever there is but i didn't i i'm not gonna go over it but steve bannon is in like this little

war and uh with jared kushner that's uh president trump's son-in-law. Again, more proof that he's anti-Semitic, right? That he's putting Jared Kushner, who's Jewish, pretty much in charge of everything. Steve Bannon is my guy, though, okay? And he's, you know, almost threatened to quit. And they're trying to take a little more. He's got too much power in the White House, according to some insiders. And there's a battle between him and Jared Kushner. Jared Kushner is like a Democrat and a fucking liberal, a brilliant guy.

And he helped Trump win the presidency, no doubt about it. Remember I told you a couple shows back, he had all these highfalutin friends in the tech industry out in Northern California. And they gave him advice on how to and when for Trump to run ads and what demographic to go have specifically. And, I mean, really hands on and help Trump win. But Steve Bannon's a guy who, you know, probably did it more than Kushner to get Trump into the White House. And he's the alt-right guy, everybody trying to brand a Nazi and extreme and whatever. But he's the one who wanted to go to Washington and fuck it up. He's the one that made Trump such a delicious candidate for people like me and um yeah so he was kicked out of the uh

national security council the nsc uh but they're saying depending on who you believe all that was going to happen anyways he was just there to keep his keep an eye on uh general flynn at the time and we saw this bubba i don't believe that though so there's a lot of supposedly a lot of uh tension in the white house and let me tell you i'm just gonna tell you if bannon ends up quitting or whatever uh you're gonna lose trump's gonna lose a lot of fucking voters like me and um oh nick what are you nuts that guy's a racist and a nationalist and since when in being a nationalist uh tantamount to being a fucking racist according to yahoo news and all the leftist jerk-offs i like the fact that this guy wanted to go to dc and fucking blow up the way things have been done

there the last 40 years why is that a bad thing i like people who mix it up and he better not quit uh fucking trump better not ask for his resignation he's like a senior advisor and i think he's the brains behind all of this shit and uh i hope he wins out but he's not gonna because you know you know trump is not gonna can his own fucking son-in-law his fucking daughter's husband you're not gonna boot him out so uh but jesus i hope there's room for both those guys but uh i you know if it came down to it i would go with bannon he looks nuts doesn't he he's got that crazy head of hair and he's got that fucking i drink three bottles of whiskey a day nose like bill clinton had and uh but like i said i like shit stirrers and he's a fucking guy. I don't care what anybody fucking says.

Okay. He's a naval officer. Then he worked for Goldman Sachs. Real dope, you know. I say that kiddingly, obviously. So don't get too crazy, Steve. Don't get kicked out of there. I think we need, I mean, Trump, boy, you talk about, somebody said this during the campaign.

If he wins the president, he'll be the really, truly first independent president. Boy, you talk about somebody said this during the campaign. He if he if he wins the president, he'll be the really, truly first independent president. And I know people a lot of people laugh at that, but it's true. I mean, you know, because Jared Kushner and Ivanka, they're not exactly fucking right wingers. And they and he's giving them more and more power and uh he used to donate to the clintons because he was a businessman but he really is he has no he really doesn't have any political ideology he just sort of uh goes by instinct so you know but he also loves steve bannon so uh good luck pinning him down but these jerk offs going oh no is that how he's gonna is that how he's gonna rule he'll see

something that upsets him on television and then he's gonna fucking bomb some well don't act like he saw you know it wasn't like he saw the yankees get shut out 11 to nothing and that's why he fucking bombed the country um and again he sat down with Mattis and all those people. So, uh, again, he can do no right in the eyes of the fucking media. So fucking tired of it. Um, so yeah, Bannon, watch out. Who knows what he has for you? Hey, do you guys see this, uh, under the category of, um, you know, the, the police having too much power or the military, you know, this is kind of creepy. You guys see the guy get dragged off the plane, the United flight that was going from Chicago to Louisville this weekend?

And this is really interesting. He was a doctor, like an Asian guy. They physically dragged him off the plane. Looked like they knocked him out. He had a bloody lip. His glasses were crooked. What happened was United oversold the flight. And so they made an announcement that, you know, they asked, you know how they do it at the gate.

They ask, is anybody, we'll give you an $800 voucher and shit to stay, you know, to give up your seat. And we'll put you up in a hotel and you can fly the next day. And, you know, nobody bid on it. I never do either. I'm like, fuck that. You know? And people do it. I've seen people go walk up and go, okay, I'll do it.

Boy, you must have some free time in your hands. I would hate to be at an airport and i have to go back the next day or even hang out for eight hours eight hundred dollar voucher kiss my grits that's strong talk nick um but anyways three cops chicago cops had to come on and yank the guy out of his seat they couldn't find any they couldn't find any volunteers so they then they they made an announcement say uh um you know they were going to select four people passengers by computer a manager told passengers that the unlucky four were chosen at random um one couple and another passenger left the plane peacefully. But the Asian guy, who was the fourth guy, went fucking nuts.

And if you don't believe me, you can hear it because people filmed it on their cell phone. Here's what it sounded like. Pilots drive Delona? Can't they run a car for the pilots and have them drive? Ah!

Ah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No! oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god what are you doing oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh now i sort of agree with her sentiment but Fucking go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, now I sort of agree with her sentiment, but her sentiment. Do you hear her, though? It almost made me pull for the cops in this situation. Oh, my God. What are you?

Do you mind your business? You can film it, but we don't need the play by play. Anyhow, here's the real problem, folks. Did you hear the guy screaming, by the way? He said he was a doctor and he had to see patients the next day. I don't know if that's been confirmed or not. Jesus Christ. Is flying becoming a fucking nightmare?

You wonder why I don't want to leave my fucking house? nightmare you wonder why i don't want to leave my fucking house i'll drive to do i'll drive to new jersey and do 3d rooms before i fucking get on a flight six hours to sacramento yeah so they had unsuccessfully appealed for volunteers you know to give up their fucking seats but the problem is they shouldn't be able to oversell in the first place that's fucking unbelievable to me is there any other business where you can do that say you're gonna do something and uh then you're selected it almost happened to me a couple times but i lucked out both times um but that has to change that there has to be a law there or something but then to have the cops come in that's a little heavy-handed isn't it but again uh under the current laws the the um the you know united and other airlines have the right to do this

but you're gonna get more incidents like like this. But it was just funny, the guy acting like a fucking, literally a fourth grader, but can you fucking blame him? Maybe he really is a doctor and did have to get there. The lady who filmed it, I guess they talked to her.

She said passengers were told at the gate that the flight was overbooked and staff appealed for one volunteer to accept $400 and a hotel stay. A flight the next day at 3 p.m all the remaining passengers were then allowed to board the flight only be told that another four people would have to give up their seats united said that four standby staff this is the reason why they had to do this united said that four standby staff you know flight attendants needed to be in louisville for a flight the next day and the plane would not take off until uh they had seats well that's your

fucking problem what is this mickey mouse why should that ever be a situation like that even when the offer was increased to 800 no one volunteered and again louisville's four and a half hours or 300 mile drive from Chicago. At this point, Bridges said a manager, that's the woman telling the story, came on board the flight and said four volunteers would be randomly selected by commuter. And then after a couple was picked and left the plane peacefully,

then the poor doctor was selected and he went fucking shithouse. His glasses were falling off. His clothes, she said, were in disarray. He's dragged out. Other passengers cried in disgust. Come on. I love, but you know what else I learned from watching this?

The anti-cop sentiment since Black Lives Matter got their shit together. People are so quick to judge the fucking cops on the plane. You know? They're doing their fucking job. But I'm not agreeing with it. I'm just saying, though.

You know, they're so quick to jump on the car. It's just, the fucking country's been brainwashed. But this wasn't the end of the drama. After being removed, the man apparently broke free from the cops this is after he was removed and he managed to run back on the flight oh my god

they said it was really because uh they were playing his favorite movie on the flight practical magic with sandra bullock that's a joke folks he. He runs back on the flight. And by the way, I almost, I... How funny is that? Bridges said he reappeared on the plane with a bloody face, and he seemed disoriented. Passengers were then taken off the flight.

Can you imagine being on this fucking flight? The whole plane had to get off as the medical crew boarded. They're gonna be in deep shit. Somebody's in deep shit. There's going to be a massive lawsuit, I would think. Can you imagine if the doctor really was a doctor and he had patients and some patient fucking dies? That's just me being Sonny Me. Anyways, it took off for later on Sunday night and landed two hours late.

Sunday night and landed two hours late. The airline spokesman, Charlie Hobart, said we followed the right procedures. That plane had to depart. We wanted to get our customers to their destinations, except for those fucking four. So they called the cops and uh the airline's contract of carriage states that passengers to be states that passengers to be forcibly taken off a flight in the event of overbooking will be determined based on passengers fair class fair class in other words first class business itinerary status of frequent flyer

program membership oh boy now we're getting to the uh and the uh the time in which passengers present their whatever their tickets um so in other words if you're a gold card member and a silver medallion and a purple nipple member you know you won't be the top of the list to get fucking yanked off but uh that's a creepy sight seeing cops fucking dragging somebody off like that um but what do you do don't shit on the cops but again and i say it again the whole thing comes back to the fucking airline that has to be changed that whole oversold shit i don't know how that's fucking allowed it doesn't happen in in any other industry that i could think of how do you feel call 1-800 i am fucking pissed um all righty what else went on over the weekend

my boy my uh he seems to come up on the show a lot. My old roommate, my good buddy, Louis C.K., hosted SNL. I think it was his fourth time already. It really is funny for me to sit there and watch a guy that I'm so close with become fucking this big. It's really, I really get a kick out of it. But so anyways, he comes out and of course he does a monologue andologue and he's always provocative that's what I like about him but some of it isn't as provocative it is on the surface but when you break it down I say poopoo caca poopoo

but he comes out and tells a joke that involves race and stuff it was very funny and I want to break it down as a comic but here's some of Louie's opening monologue on SNL that you know. But here's some of Louis' opening monologue on SNL that, you know, so controversial. Here's a joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was a black guy walking behind him. And he was nervous. Do you hear the audience? Oh! That's what happens when you mention the word black in any joke, any setup in New York in front of a live audience.

It's always, oh, unless you're a gay female or a black comic yourself. If it's a white guy, even Louie, who's proven to be a lib, even then. This audience was so whiny throughout the show. It reminded me of these audiences that I fucking hate when I'm in a comedy club. All it takes is a table of four girls or guys to moan, to go, oh, and the rest of the crowd will join in and it'll happen the rest of the show.

And if you watch SNL, this episode, they fucking moaned at so much shit. It was such a PC, fucking faggy, politically correct audience. Everything I hate. But here's more of the joke. He was new to the city, this chicken. And he was like, I feel like he's following me, but I'm not sure.

So then he thought, maybe if I cross the road, then if he crossed the road, he's definitely following me. So he crossed the road and the black guy went home. He's living his life. Yes. And the chicken was like like i'm such a racist and he felt he felt bad about a month later the chicken is a metaphor for a white lib in this joke i would say black guy ate the chicken a different black guy i'm just telling you what happened look are they getting nervous black guy eating chicken the crowd in their pants don't be upset because

this is not a racist joke. I don't know why. You know, I guess because you're on live TV or whatever, and millions of people are watching. It's not just a comedy club. But to have to feel the need, and this is the times we're living in, to tell the audience is obviously a little nervous. Don't get nervous.

You have to make an announcement, a disclaimer in the middle of the joke. This isn't going to be a racist joke. Oh, it's fucking infuriating to me. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that's chickens. Chickens are very closed down and

suspicious and prejudiced. That would be not a white lid. I can't blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. Now they're relieved. That's why chickens... There's a reason the chicken was racist. Now the crowd's relieved.

That's why chickens are like... There's no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He's like, get the... I'm not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want. I'm not in your soup yet, you Jew. I'm not in your soup yet, you Jew.

And again, to people who are lame into comedy that'll seem like a really edgy edgy bit because it involves race and blacks and racism and whites and chicken and jew when it really isn't it's another way of saying that uh fucking white people are racist sometimes. Sometimes it's justified. Sometimes it's not. And very clever. And I love that Lorne Michaels, you got to love Lorne to let Louis, you know, do shit like that. But again, you know, it's just funny.

The audience, the live audience, just when a white guy says the word black, it's just so funny, especially in Manhattan, whether it's an SNL taping or the Comedy Cellar crowd or the stand. I told you, I used to use this device. I came up with it. I've given this trick to other comedians. If a crowd is being a little chatty or whatnot for some reason, and that happens in small rooms, like at the Comedy Cellar, there were many nights down there. The crowd would be a little, whatever, distracted

for whatever reason, chatting aloud. I'd go, and you black people, and fucking pin would drop. Or I'd go, and women, those are buzzwords. Those are buzzwords that have been created by the fucking media. And you'll get the crowd's attention immediately. They'll drop what they're doing. Two people could be fucking at the back back row and when you go and you women and they'd sit right up the guy would pull out the girl pulled

out a pant put her panties back up and listen to everything you had to say because you might be misogynist or you might be a racist i used to use it all the time at the cellar and you blacks and again white people would sit up straight, but that was a good opening, it was fucking funny, clever, again, looks more edgy on the surface than it really was, but the fucking show was, it was really a lesson in, it was really making me angry, because later on in the show, they did sketch it was like a polish uh couple and uh it was kate mckinnon playing the polish woman and louis playing her husband you know back in the late 1800s early 1900s turn of the century immigrants in a tenement and the the sketch

basically was used as an excuse to tell italian jokes and the fucking audience really didn't have a problem the whole sketch was like shitting on italian people which is fucking fine i was laughing my balls off too number one louis couldn't do a polish accent it was a fucking even kate mckinnon was cracking up at louis he sounded like steve martin it was so fun but the whole sketch was really excuse to make really fucking, you know, hardcore jokes about Italian, which again is fine. But let us do it about black people and Puerto Ricans and Latino and fucking Mexicans. And, you know, enough of the double fucking standards here. OK, but the audience was, of course, they were fine at laughing at fucking

Italian jokes because we're the last bastion that you can shit on white european males but i was getting infuriated that the audience had no problem you know and and just cracking up uh you know here are some of the fucking jokes and again louis fucking accent trying to do a Polish guy. There we go. I wish I could bring home more money. Hey. People are laughing at his accent. But there are no good jobs.

They have all been taken by the filthy, greasy Italians. Filthy, greasy Italians. And then you hear that secondary laughter. They cut to the black guy in the sketch. He slips my name, the guy who I love. He's been on the show for like 15 years now what's his name whatever but of course they cut to him like him being offended by the italian joke not now you got cover this is what they do the lib fucking comedy writers okay this is why

it's so easy to do comedy when you're a fucking lib uh they cut to the black guy being you know offended by what lou Louis just said about Italians now you get, you know, because obviously the average black person would really be offended by an Italian joke, right? Come on, let's stop with that shit Shame on you, it is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch grabbers You know, I'm not sure this is okay for my students to hear

Oh no, I assure you sure this is okay for my students to hear. Oh, no, I assure you, this conversation is 100% historically accurate. Mikkel, I don't like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please. Not even real white people. Can you imagine saying that? Fucking saying something even close to that offensive about black people? You know, they're one, they were one fifth of a person.

There's the edgy sketch. Show fucking. And again, I know what the libs would say. Well, yeah, but it's Polish people. We're making fun of, you know, white Polish European. And they're being racist. And okay, it's a Polish joke, whatever. Relax. Sit.

Eat. Now, look at the bowls Mrs. Lendowski is using. Something like that would be a treasured family heirloom. Uh-huh, cool. What's up with the Italian stuff? Hey, bud, let's wait until then. Again, the black guy having a problem with the Italian jokes because we know black people

are easily offended by racial... I'm saying that sarcastically, folks. The scene for questions. Hey, Emma. Such a bad... Let me ask you a question. Do you know how to... Even he's

fucking laughing at how bad his accent is. Do you know how to... Even he's fucking laughing at how bad his accent is. Do you know how to brainwash an Italian? How, Mitchell? You give him an enema. That makes sense. How do you brainwash an Italian and give him an enema? Just say that about black people. Just fucking once.

Writers at SNL. Just fucking any context. Just do it. Show me people. Just fucking once. Writers at SNL. Just fucking any context. Just do it. Show me you have some fucking balls. Because shitting on Italian people in 2017, that's some edgy shit. The fuck out of here. And Mikio, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot? Why, Mel Love?

Do you think they could fit that much crap into a shoe? That is very true, Avio. Uh, are they just telling Italian jokes? No. Yes. But I must go now, or I will be late for my night shift at the factory. You work so hard, Mikael. Yes. I work hard in factories so that someday our children will have be the... they will be the boss of the factory.

And then we will hire half-wit Goomba rat face Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream. Ah, man. Excuse me. Excuse me. ring do you see i'm giving you a little lesson on comedy folks and, in somebody's world, that's an edgy sketch. As if making fun of Italian people is the same, you know, as talking about any race or ethnicity. Do you get what I'm saying?

Just another fucking double standard. And again, white European males being the last bastion that you can shit all over, whether it's frat boys. Ever hear that term? Typical white frat boy, you know. I'm just saying there's nothing fucking edgy about it.

It's fine. I was laughing. But we got to let the pendulums swing both ways. Do a sketch about Mexicans and giving them an enema to brainwash them and how they smell and fucking and uh you know just even in the context of just joking around fucking um you know and again the message in the sketch white european they were polish they're fucking racist and edgy shit though anyhow but uh what's next it was a funny show overall that was really fucking funny

and uh i gotta ask ck who fucking i hope the fuck he didn't write that sketch i really don't want to have that fucking argument um although you know i sent him a picture of me. I sent him a picture of me when I was like 22 years old in a, in like a fucking wife beater. And I couldn't have looked more Italian in the picture. I actually had a chain, a gold chain. No, not the thick ones like you saw on Twitter. That was part of a costume for Comedy Central that everybody thought I actually wore on stage back in the 90s. But I sent Louis a picture of me like when I was in my 20s I couldn't look more Italian and I and I I sent it today I sent that last week and um today I went to text him to say um

did this inspire that Italian joke sketch and uh no response anyways um he'll get back to me and go, listen, you. Oh, here we go. Alleged Russian hacker arrested in Spain at request of the United States. This just happened, apparently. Yes. Comrade, here is something that might be of interest to you. A transcript of the conversation between your helicopter pilot and his commander. We intercepted Dragonfly Wolf 10. Colorful names. Here we

are. We have them in sight. And the reply, abort the operation immediately. This is a recall. Confirm. Over. Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit-twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? That's Trump having a meeting with Ivanka and Jared and Bannon. Alleged Russian hacker arrested in Spain at request of the U.S.

Pyotr Lavashov was arrested Friday in Barcelona on a U.S. computer crimes warrant, according to a spokesman for Spain's national court. Such arrests aren't unusual. American authorities typically try to nab Russian cybercrime suspects abroad because of the difficulty involved in extraditing them from Russia. But Levashov's arrest drew immediate attention after his wife told a Russia's RT broadcaster, that's Russian TV,

he was linked to America's 2016 election hacking. Oh, goodness. Russian TV quoted Maria Levashova as saying that armed police stormed into their apartments in Barcelona overnight, keeping her and her friend locked in a room for two hours while they quizzed Levashov. She said that when she spoke to her husband on the phone from the police station, he was told that he had created a computer virus that was linked to Trump's election win. Oh, my God. Adam Schiff must have a fucking hard-on.

Who's that? That's a little pencil-neck geek with a Charles Grodin face that I want to stomp. He's heading up the investigation in the Senate, you know, as far as collusion between Trump and, I should say, the House or the Senate, you know, as far as collusion between Trump and, I should say, the House or the Senate, whatever, collusion with the Trump campaign in Russia. Russian embassy spokesman Vasily Nordets confirmed the arrest but wouldn't say whether he was a programmer, as reported by RT. Leveshov remains in custody.

Ooh, interesting. Interesting, comrade. Holy Christ, huh? It's getting fucking interesting out there. So I'm wondering, I want to know who authorized this arrest exactly. And, you know, Adam Schiff's people are they behind it obviously The US Congress who are looking

To prove collusion between Trump and the Russians to help him win the election Is this part of is this what they've been looking for? They've got nothing so far. You're really fucking boring us You got nothing for what two months now? Shut up! Shut! Shut! Shut! Shut! Shut up! Shut up! really fucking boring us you got nothing for what two months now shut up shut shut shut shut shut up shut up again my favorite thing is when tucker carlson he had adam schiff on and said okay look into that camera and this was like a month ago look into that camera and tell us that you have direct evidence of russia breaking in to uh podesta's emails and look right into the camera and say it and you know what fucking adam and look right into the camera and say it.

And you know what? Fucking Adam Schiff looking at the camera. Again, what's the evidence? Not saying there isn't any, folks. I've said it many times on the show. Who knows? Who knows? Even I fucking raise an eyebrow when trump was bad-mouthing everybody

but putin and so i'm just saying uh holy christ i can't wait to get an update on this that's about it folks again if you like the broadcast or the podcast uh you can hear it free like you are now mondays on itunes and stitcher and Riotcast.com. But if you really like the show and you want to get two to three more shows a week, go to connectpal.com slash Nick. Connectpal.com slash Nick. Two to three more shows a week for $3.99 a month. That's a buck a week, folks.

I think you can afford it. And people do. Every time I ask the request, it keeps growing and growing. And that is it. That is it. I will talk to you premium members who have already subscribed. I will talk to you tomorrow and Wednesday at least. Be at the stand tonight in New York City doing some comité, working on some new shit.

Good place to watch me bomb. But I'm funnier when I'm bombing, like most comedians. It's our favorite thing. And tomorrow I'll open with a story about why the show Girls on HBO made the whole world hate fucking millennials. That's the headline. Because that show's coming to an end on April 16th. Thank Christ.

Jesus Christ. Every time I flip through HBO, I'll see Lena Dunham, and literally there's one scene she's laying there tanning herself. She has her panties pulled to the side so you can see her giant muff. I almost fucking threw up blood. I'd rather watch those commercials that come on in the middle of the night with the dogs beating. You know, the ASPCA puts on a dog's missing an eye.

Fucking maggots crawling out of its ear. Then look at her in her giant muff. It really... But we'll tackle that tomorrow. I thought I'd leave you on that fucking... Leave you on that high note. Have I covered everything? I think I have.

And I will talk to you guys real soon. And you know I love you. Don't you? Sure you do. Especially you premium members. Here's my friend Lee to tell you just how much I love you. I love you for helping me to construct of my life. Not a tavern, but a temple.

of my life, not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you.

Oh, fucking bitch. guitar solo Bye.