The Nick DiPaolo Show - 185 - Nick's SiriusXM Debut ch103

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

Nick's SiriusXM Debut ch103

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Oh yeah! Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo Radio Show. I almost said podcast. That's how you know I've made the climb. Been in my basement for the last three years. Like a little kid doing a ham radio show with a wife yelling downstairs, You can't say that! You're going to get us kicked out of here! I'm like, it's our house for Christ's sake. Relax.

How are you, folks? The Nick DiPaolo Radio Show, the big premiere. Say hello to my producer, Andy Fiore. Andy Flowers. Oh, look who learned my name. Yes, I've been calling... The day I met Andy, I put him in... I did a week in October, right before the election. I did a week of shows. Andy was the producer.

I put his name in as Danny into my contacts, and I've been looking at it. And I called him Danny about 11 times before he had the nerve to go, what the fuck is your problem, dude? And I said, I'm in my late 60s, all right? And let me clear this up for you people who are big. I know Bonfire fans and Larry the Cable guy.

I did not steal Andy Fiore. I did a week. I didn't even remember his name. Like I said, I put Danny in my computer, and they said, who do you want as a producer? I go, how about the hairy fucking greasy Italian kid that I work with, the hippie? I want him. And they said, Danny Flowers? That's the guy.

Perfect. And that's why he's here. So you guys that were pissed off on Twitter already, please get lives, will you? Jesus H. The fucking ISIS is about to hit us in five minutes. You're upset that I stole a radio producer. And we have another producer over here. What are we doing?

The Rockettes, for Christ's sake? We got Brendan. We got Brendan in the back. Which makes me feel good. Brendan's like a millennial guy. You know, I was throwing a few racial bombs around before the show and he almost broke into tears. I said, do you know who you work with?

No, I cleared with him. I said, you know who Nick is, right? Did he know? He's a big fan. Is he really? Yeah. Oh yeah, big fan. Big fan. I can tell. I said tit and he almost passed out. I took a zing at him. He got all quiet. I'm like, I'm just fucking around. I do come tell. I said tit, and he almost passed out. But then I took a zing at him. He got all quiet. I'm like, I'm just fucking around.

I do come on. I make shitty first impressions, you know. But that's how it goes. I always thought I'd get by on my looks and my money. That's why I'm on radio. Look it. I have TV monitors surrounding me. There's Trump getting somebody just threw a peach at his head.

So this show, I don't know what it's going to be, folks. I really don't. Maybe you can tell me. People think it's going to be all, you know, political and shit, which it's not. But you know how I stand politically

and it should be a breath of fresh air. But, you know, it's a weird time we're living in. But maybe you guys let me know. It's going to be, it to be more cultural than political. What do you mean by cultural? Well, you know, a story like when they're tearing down statues of Confederate soldiers and that type of stuff. You all right over there, Andy?

Yes, I'm fine. He's playing with the equipment already. It's a new studio, so I'm trying to, you know, get my bearings straight. I know. This is, hey, I'm sitting in Ron Bennington's chair. We're on new studio, so I'm trying to, you know, get my bearings straight. I know. This is, hey, I'm sitting in Ron Bennington's chair. We're on the air, so I'm happy. Yeah, absolutely.

That's my first step. That's right. Andy, it was the Bonfire premiere where they had dead air for 22 minutes, and I said, that's the guy for me. Why are you still working here? That was Lou. Oh, you're blaming Lou Witsky? I am blaming him because that's where Blaine went. I will not blame Lou for anything, by the way.

The guy, I call him up. I hear myself on satellite radio in my car at night. They're playing like a clip from Just for Laughs, and I'm bombing miserably. I call Lou Witsky. I go, burn that shit. Get that file. I have ransomware. Can we?

And you know what? I haven't heard it since, and he's been my man since. If I hear a bit bombing on satellite radio, I call Lewitsky. And he's like, you know, he fixes it. Yeah. The guy in Pulp Fiction. He's the wolf. Keitel, the wolf.

But you guys, let me know what you want to hear here. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969 is the number. We got on the second hour of the show, top of the hour, we have Mark Norman coming in, who I think is funny as hell. Great. He does politically incorrect stuff. He does a little more subtlety than I do. He doesn't drop in the C word and the J and a K.

He points out the differences and why he hates feminism, but he does it much nicer. It sounds much nicer in Italian, you know? So he's coming at the top of the hour, second hour. And what the hell else did I want to talk about? Oh, Jesus. This weekend I was, Andy's a, you're a stand-up, Andy, right? Andy? Yes. I'm talking to you, for Christ's sake. Focus, will you? I'm getting messages from the booth. Are you Andy? Yes. I'm talking to you, for Christ's sake. Focus, will you? I'm getting messages from the booth. Are you really?

Yeah. Do they have my Mickey Dolenz thing lined up? I was in, not to brag, I was at Windsor Locks, Connecticut this weekend doing comedy. And a friend of yours, Lori Palminteri, was the feature act. Yes. Sweetheart of a kid. Very funny. Yeah.

And I noticed the weather was going to be horrendous you know uh monsoon and she said you want me to drive and i went yeah because i'm a pussy and uh she's coming up past she had to go that way anyway she's coming from you know astoria wherever she lives yep so she uh she picks me up we we go do the gig and it's fine and everything i get hit with a full heineken in the chest eight minutes into the show no i'm kidding and uh are you gonna be gesturing all fucking day it's fine and everything. I get hit with a full Heineken in the chest eight minutes into the show. No, I'm kidding. And are you going to be gesturing all fucking day? It's a new studio, I know. It's a little distracting. You'll know when

I'm gesturing. And anyways, here's the funny bit. She drops me off after the gig. It's two hours from my house in northern Westchester. Drops me off at 1am. I get out of the car. She drives away and I go to my back door up the stairs. It's raining now. It's about 42 with a wind and I can't get into the back door. My wife's

asleep. Bedroom's second, third floor. I don't know how many. We have like 11 floors. Must be nice. No, it's one of those mini houses. What do they call those? Midget? No, I don't know. I don't know. But anyways, she locked me out and she took a sleeping pill. Okay, now it's 120. It's raining on me. I'm calling the home phone.

Keep getting a message machine. Now I walk around the house. It's airtight. There's no way to break in. I tried window. I couldn't reach any of the windows. The house was built in 1937. You know, any other house you could kick a window in.

Cut to me now it's uh now it's uh 140 i'm in my garage standing in my garage trying to stay dry i run back out in the rain again uh make one more pass on the call the house again no answer now i'm in my car in my garage trying to figure out how to put the seats down like i'm trying to get laid in high school trying to put the seats down in my affinity and by myself i'm folks i'm in my mid-50s okay uh a little embarrassing so now i'm laying there trying to fall asleep then it dawns on me could i die from the fumes in here if the it's no the car's not on fingers crossed huh crossed. Huh? I don't know. One day they'll come to that. Well, I was hoping. Yeah. After the gig.

But anyways, so I'm laying there. Now I'm really getting furious at the wife. Oh, then I started throwing rocks at the window. She's on the third floor like a half-assed Romeo. I'm throwing gravel. The most romantic thing I've done with her. She's out. Since I've known her 23 years, I'm throwing rocks at the fucking window.

And then I get back in the car. I go, I guess I'm sleeping. I make one last call. She was out. Since I've known her 23 years, I'm throwing rocks at the fucking window. And then I get back in the car. I go, I guess I'm sleeping. I make one last call. She was up. She had to take a pee. She heard the phone. Answered it.

She comes to the door, and I said, fuck it. I'm staying in the garage. Anyways, and that was that. All night? No. I went in the house, but I was very furious. I got her in a headlock. The cops came.

It got ugly, ladies and gentlemen, what i'm trying to tell and the other thing about that gig i took a picture with this kid in a wheelchair he comes to see me no matter where i am in connecticut he's got like ms or something and he laughs at the funniest meanest shit and he's got you know he's really he's in a wheelchair he's got a real disability and i always see him and i always take a picture with him after so i kneel down after the show take a picture with him after. So I kneel down after the show, take a picture with him. His dad's pushing him. After I take the picture, the old man goes, good, now can I burn that? And he pushes him away angrily. Joking? I don't know.

I still don't fucking know. Now, again, all I'm going to say is I'm guessing the guy didn't like my part. I did a lot of political shit, you know. And I was shitting all over Hillary and Bernie and all the rest of the fucking idiots. And I'm guessing that's what ticked him off why else would he do that i bent down took a picture and he goes that's good now can i burn he didn't say with a smile on his face and he pushed him away at 100 miles an hour i love him you love the guy for saying that why with a straight face i look maybe uh again intimidating guy i an intimidating guy. I like this guy.

Oh, yeah, he seemed real intimidating. He goes, thanks for the picture. Now can I burn it? He must have been scared shit of me. He's been pushing around his kid with MS, following you all around the country. Oh, that's not an excuse for Christ's sake. But I just found that very odd. My feelings are a little hurt.

But like you said, I mean, I was trying to do the right thing, and that's why I don't. You did do the right thing. Let me just say thank you to Rob Sprantz, by the way, of Riotcast. Um, he's the one who taught me how to do the podcasting. Not that I hadn't had a radio show before my podcast I had, but he's the one that came up to my house and showed me how to podcast. And I hated it for the first month or so. And then I said, Hey, this is kind of fun. And then I really get into it. And then I liked it better than doing standup because i'm in my basement by myself and um people took to it and it got big enough where people here at uh serious xm jack vaughn especially took note and i think so robs branches i would say indirectly responsible

for me uh you know ending my career here at Sirius. Anyways. No, we're going to be here for many, many years. Absolutely. I can tell by the look on Brendan's face that this place might be in trouble financially already. Um, ooh. So, wow, the phones. Should we take one already? They're lit up.

Let's go to Mike Philly, line two. Mike. Hey, line two. Mike. Hey, what's going on, Nick? Hey, how are you, brother? Nick, you are my favorite comic. I'm so glad that you have a show every night. I cannot wait to listen to you. I almost want to stay and fucking work longer

so I can catch more of your show. Now, you work at a whorehouse, right, in Philly? Of course, yeah. I'm the janitor. You're the janitor? Well, I... Go ahead. No, go ahead. go ahead good i have a couple of questions for you i want i always wanted to answer this i'm a fan of yours going back to nick and arty joe uh and i know arty was on your podcast way back when you first started any shot of him coming on this show you think um if he yeah i i that actually crossed my mind, you know, and then I went, nah, fuck it.

No, I absolutely, I think, uh, I, I would say I would never rule Artie out for anything, you know, unless he's in jail. I'm not going to bail him out to get him here, but, but, uh, I would love, uh, yeah, we'll, we'll get to all that, you know, we'll, we'll get to fucking Artie and, um, the heavy hitters, Jim Florentine, myself. Stuttering John. Stuttering John. Stuttering John's in L.A. I heard he's a real fucking left-wing lib on Facebook. He's really irritating people. He's a fucking lunatic, and he's a moron to boot. I like him.

I like John. I still like him, though. Yeah, no, he's funny, but politically he's a fucking idiot. But I was wondering, I'm younger, and I fucking love the Sopranos. No one talks about the Sopranos. I think the first hour of your show should be all Sopranos talk, favorite season, favorite episode. Yeah.

You were in Christopher episode three of season four, and I'm a fucking stalker, and I know that because I just watched it last night. Yeah, we'll get into the Sopranos and we'll dip into the Partridge family too. My mother the car. We'll go backwards in time. But I appreciate it, Mike.

I appreciate the call. The phones are lighting up. It's like it's a benefit for sick kids. And I appreciate the support. Say hi to Philly. Say hi to Bill Cosby, that alleged rapist. All right. Take it easy.

Oh, God help us. First call. Philly. Yeah. Philly. When I had my radio show here in New York on Terrestrial on Free FM, I could have ran for mayor of Staten Island a week. Every call was Joey from Staten Island. Yeah, me and my cousin are burying a body.

We thought we'd give you a call. I got headphones on uh yeah so a lot of philly a lot of working class people you know it's the deplorables folks that's who i am and uh not really i went to school but i cheated 866-969-1969 uh is the phone number and And went to doctors today, Andy? Yes. I hope you're all right, bud. Yeah, well, you know, I'm in my mid-50s, and I do the... When Artie and I had that radio show, I was into P90X, and I did it religiously. Yeah.

Almost like a year. You're not supposed to do that when you're in your 50s. Yeah, I don't think you did it right. No, I found out, because I had blood in my stool, and my kidneys are falling out and i'm still still down there jumping around in the basement and then i went to the 30 minute insanity with sean t and you know you're gonna focus you're gonna stay with yourself and uh anyways i did all that get in great shape and that was a few years ago i still put it in every once in a while i had hernia operation october i remember that's right when we first met yes when we did the first pop-up shows.

Yeah. You grabbed my nuts and said, cough. Yeah. All right. So I had a hernia operation. Laparoscopic. They go in a little robot and fix it. And I waited about four or five weeks before I started working out again.

Now I jump back into P90X. Last week I do the plyometrics. I wake up the next morning. I literally couldn't. I had a pain going from my right nut to my right hip. Jesus. Now this is for like a week. I'm just sitting at my desk reading the paper and my balls are ringing like a church bell. They just, and I mean, you guys don't.

You're in your late teens. You're looking at me like I'm an asshole. It's just a searing. I thought I had maybe an infection in my pelvis. You know, I stayed at Norton's house one night. I picked something up. Oh, boy. So it was killing me, and it wasn't getting better.

So I went to see my doctor who did the operation. Long story short, I get about 11 weeks. And you know what he says to me? I go, it's fucking killing me, you know? Quiet. Quiet like a bitch. What the fuck kind of talk is that for a doctor? But so I strained something down there.

I thought I undid the... He pushed my guts back in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A hernia is a hole and your guts go through the hole. Right. You know? So he dropped the pants. You know why you turn your head when you cough, by the way? Does anybody know that out there? Probably the gay guy in line three. No. So he dropped the pants. You know why you turn your head when you cough, by the way?

Does anybody know that out there? Probably the gay guy in line three. No. Anybody know why? Why? I always thought it had something to do with your biological. So you don't cough in the doctor's face. I was going to guess that.

Why didn't you, silly? I don't want to sound dumb. It's such a dumb thing. Don't let that stop you. Yeah, that's why. You can't have too much eye contact if you didn't turn your head to the side. That's it. See that? There you go, Brendan.

Kid's writing already. This kid's going to have a new 20 minutes. And so apparently I strained it. But that's like the third time he's touched me down there in the last six months. I was almost hoping he'd find something because now I'm going, this guy must be thinking, why is this guy in here again? You know what I mean? After the third time a doctor looks at your dick, you're almost hoping he finds something.

Otherwise, it's like a horrible date. Yeah. You know? Am I just homophobic? I hope so. It's been said. Anyways, let's go to Bill in Denver on line three. Billy Boy, welcome to the Nick DiPaolo radio show.

Hey, Nick. How you doing today? Very good. How you doing, Bill? I you doing bill i'm doing good uh nick i like your comedy i'm glad to see your shows on there and just from a left-leaning guy who actually enjoys hearing other opinions i just want to give you some advice and uh try to avoid filling your phone lines up full of ditto head-ass people that constantly agree with you and just sit there and shit on everybody. And try not to be a brutal bully, meaning that you have control over the mic and the mute button

and you can hang up on whoever you want. So don't go down the road that if you're hearing an opinion you don't like that you hang up or you just get all fucking big-mouthed about it instead of talking about the opinion. If you can hold on to that, I'll listen to all your fucking crappy hypoc hypocritical, right-wing opinions. There you go, Billy. Why don't you fucking take another hit off the joint?

I hope that 18-wheeler tips over on you. I knew you were an asshole the minute I picked up the line. I'm only kidding. I'll do just what you said, Bill. I so wanted to hang up with him right in the middle of that. Anyways, I knew that was coming. That's Denver. up with him right in the middle of that. Bye-bye, dickhead. Anyways, I knew that was coming. That's Denver.

Denver's very left-wing and hypocritically says, oh, help us. Some good points, though. Huh? Oh, are you, yeah, you agree with Bill? No, I think I'm saying. No, I agree. You don't just, but we're not doing that heavy political shit. You know what I mean?

Not yet, anyways. Not until the president's impeached, and then I'll go fucking hard shit. You know what I mean? Not yet, anyways. Not until the president's impeached, and then I'll go fucking hard oil. You know what I'm saying? I can tell by Brendan how he voted. He's definitely a big Hillary fan. He was upset that, not Hillary, I should say Sanders. Huh? You thought he was going to give you, come on, free handjobs, ice cream, red wagons?

Yeah, that's what I mean. That was going to earn my vote right there. None of it came around. Sure. So, yeah, you know, look, folks, let me tell you, everybody's like, oh boy, it's going to be real political and you must love Trump and stuff. I voted for Ted Cruz in the primaries. You know why? It doesn't matter. I live in New York

State. The vote doesn't matter anyways. But I'm just saying, you know, I wanted somebody, there was nobody out there far enough right for me to balance out the last eight years of poor shit. Anyhow. Let's go to Zach in Pittsburgh. Zach. How are you doing? Thanks for taking the call. Oh, you got it, Zach. Hey, I just, I love that previous caller. Hey, my day job is a land surveyor, but I'm going to call up and tell a 30-year veteran of the entertainment industry how to

fuck to run a radio show. Well, that's what they do. They know everything. People who, you know, lean left, they know everything. They tell you, Michelle's telling you what to fucking eat. You know, they know it all. So that's all right. Some of the advice was good, like Andy said. He seems like a good guy and everything, but I checked you out down there at Magoobies. I was actually the guy that tweeted you the photo with the line. You tweeted me the photo? Did you really? Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. No problem. I was all excited. He sent me a picture. There was a line outside of Magoobies. Yeah, then I found out was all excited. He sent me a picture of, there was a line around the outside of Magobies. Yeah, then I found out they papered the room. But no, actually, I made some good money that weekend. I appreciate that.

That was nice of you. That was proof that I was hot one night in Baltimore. But Andrew Wright, he does run a great club. I've done a couple amateur nights there. I moonlighted night as a stand-up. And his Thursday night amateur nights, they get an average of at least 140 people there. The company, nobody's like me, so that's great. But you can tell he runs a great club because in line, there was a group in front of us that was either Hispanic or Mexican, and the group behind us was black.

And they started talking. They didn't know who you were. They were just coming to the comedy club to go to a comedy club on a Saturday night. I looked at my friend that came down with me. We kind of chuckled, thinking, this ought to be good. But, no, everybody loved it, man.

And it was my friend's first time seeing you live. You know, he loved it. He definitely killed a lot of high energy on stage here for being like 54. So, it was very impressive. Thanks, Zach. Appreciate the call. And thanks for the tweet, too, and the picture. And, yeah, well, that's my other complaint.

Matter of fact, I see Todd Rundgren. Do you guys remember him? I know you're in your late teens and probably don't. But he had a big hit in the 70s when I was a kid. Hello, it's me. We would have pulled up a clip, but my voice is better than his. That was his big hit. Hello, it's me.

Anyways, big headlines. He's saying, if you're a Trump supporter, don't come to my show. And my initial reaction, first off, if I'm a supporter of good music, I'm not coming to your shelter. But my initial reaction is, what a fucking asshole. But then I was thinking, wait a minute, I kind of agree with that. Like the caller just said, a lot of people show up not knowing. Is that it? Yeah, get to the refrain.

Yeah, turn it up. But he's, yeah. Yeah. He should change it. He should change it to, hello, it's me, Todd Rundgren, because nobody knows who he is now. But, yeah, he's saying, don't come to my show if you're a Trump fan, because I don't get your values.

And first of all, another musician who was big in the 70s. So he was all about the music and the art and the drugs. And, you know, now it's about the fucking money. So he's no different. But I was thinking that, too, with comedy, people want him to a comedy club. A lot of people. I'll see, you know, a few people walk out 12 minutes into my set lately since trump got elected if i you know do some auntie hillary or bernie they fucking walk and you know on the way out i'm like do your research before you come to a comedy

club find out who the fucking headliner is you don't do that with music you don't want to wander into a venue hoping to see uh somebody give me a band quick metallica and men without hats comes out and you fucking go well this is a ripoff do you do you research um you know what i mean he played last night who did men without hats yeah men without hats metallica played at uh giants i still call it giant stadium not met life to me but that's what he's saying he says if i had the power and todd rungren saying if I had the power, Todd Rundgren's saying, if I had the power,

I'd say, if you're a Trump supporter, don't come to my show because you won't have a good time. Why? What are you doing all Hillary songs?

It's music. There's nothing worse than when a guy who you're there to see the songs for banters. I like that. I like when Sinatra

used to tell like 11 minutes of jokes and do that fart thing under his arm. You didn I like when Sinatra used to tell like 11 minutes of jokes and do that far thing under his arm. You didn't like when Sinatra did that? But he says don't come to my show. You're not going to have a good time. And also I don't understand your freaking values. Well, I don't understand yours. Well, what don't you

understand about people who voted for fucking Trump? Oh, they like the country? And the Constitution? Oh, that's right. they're racist and they can't possibly relate to you um he says so if you don't understand that basic thing you're just fooling yourself i think they were fooling themselves by getting tickets to your show in the first place but uh he has a new album or something it's a one song on the album tinfoil hat is a direct jab at trump written performed with steely dan co-founder donald fagan again a couple hippies from the 60s and 70s who haven't adjusted what's that brother a couple of has-beens really and i love steely dan and you know um he

says the lyrics reference trump's now famous descent down an escalator at Trump Tower to announce his presidential run. And that Trump tweets like a teenage girl and puts the Pluto and plutocrat. Oh, there's those lyrics he's known for. Yeah. As opposed. I'm not going to get to it. I'm just saying first, my initial reaction was, what are you talking about? But now I sort of I don't understand it musically but comedy wise i understand if somebody came in the first five

minutes was turned off by me because it's you know there's no melody there's no backup singers it's just right you know i mean it's a different thing let's go to uh we got time yes we do let's go to kyle in chicago kyle welcome to the Nick DiPaolo radio show. Nick, huge fan. Like that hippie trucker in Denver. I'm a weed smoking liberal, but I love your fucking comedy. Thank you. That's how it should be. Well, back in the day, I remember on ONA, you said this like in passing, but I've been here. The end of the story, you said you were neighbors with Mitch Hedberg.

Yes. He even wrote, like, a joke referring to you. Yes. I would love to hear, like, did you ever do comedy with him? Did you ever have, like, you know, a conversation that, you know, you remember anything interesting about that guy? Because, like, he's kind of become, like, a folk hero in the world. I know. No, he was a hell of a comic. And I'll tell it real

quickly i i moved into this little shitty building in west hollywood and the uh the day i moved in the superintendent goes oh whoever the manager building manager said you're a comedian there's a comedian in the apartment next to you i go what's his name and nobody really knew him i don't think mitch at this point he's just about to he goes hedberg mitch hedberg i go i don't think Mitch at this point. He's just about to break. He goes, Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg. I go, I don't know. It sounds kind of familiar. And so cut to a few months later. Every night, not every night, but a couple nights, somebody would come over and start playing music,

like, you know, folk guitar and singing and shit. And I put up with it for a few days. But, you know, the walls are paper thin. My TV's like right against his wall. And I'm trying to, you know, watch important shit important shit like sports center see how the fucking bruins did and and uh so i banged on the wall one night just to uh whatever you know turn down the amps or whatever and uh so yeah so i don't know a year or two later he comes to new york to do a letterman and zoe friedman was booking letterman and said, hey, you know, he's got a joke about you. He's doing he's going to do on Letterman. She shows me his set list.

And the second one says DePaulo on it. And it was the joke about his neighbor banging on the wall. And he says something is no knob on this side. Go around, go around, whatever. I didn't think it was one of his best. I can be honest with you. But yeah, but yeah, but I did meet him after and I I actually left him a case of, like, Heineken, because I felt bad. Oh, yeah. And, uh, yeah. Nice vial of heroin.

Oh, easy, fella. I mean, but yeah, it was a sad thing. The guy was, he's just funny, and I loved it. I loved his comedy, and all the good ones go, you know? I know. There's a ton of hacks in the late 90s still banging it out. Anyways, thanks for the call, Kyle. Appreciate it.

I love the show. Take care. Thank you. And by the way, all people are welcome here. I love weed-smoking libs. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Doesn't mean you can't laugh at me and I can't fucking laugh at you.

So are you you right? I had an ugly argument today with my, I filed an old tape of me and my old agent arguing. Yeah? Barry Katz. I had moved out to L.A. He didn't want me to come out to L.A. Big fucking, we had a big argument. And he recorded it on his phone or something.

I found the audio here. Nikki, when you asked me if you could come out here, what did I tell you? I mean, you asked me and I knew you were going to come out no matter what I said. But what did I tell you? Do you remember what I told you? Do you remember what I told you? Back up a fucking minute here. One minute.

I asked you, when the fuck did I ever ask you if I could come out here? Get this through your head, you. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. You only exist out here because of me! That was a long time ago. I've... Barry... Barry sounds different now, of course.

I like Barry. I still do. He was my first manager. My ex's manager. Huh? My ex's manager. Who was your ex? Say it. You know. I don't. He was my first manager. My ex's manager. Huh? My ex's manager. Who was your ex? Say it.

You know. I don't. You know, Allie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's still the other thing. Managing her now? Yeah.

Okay. She's done. Anyways. No. Yeah. Yeah. So, I wanted to, the other thing I wanted to get to, right before, we probably only have like a minute left. Maybe I'll save it.

Now we have two again? You gave me the two sign three minutes ago. Minute 45. What? Minute 45? Minute 30. I don't want to get to this yet. I'm sticking, Nicky. I don't want to get to it yet, but we'll take one more call.

We'll go to break. I'll come back. Let's go to Rick in Paramus, New Jersey. I have a summer home there right next to the mall. Rick, you're on with Nick DiPaolo. What was that? Metro Northeast driving? How was that? Thanks, Rick. Terrific.

Good auditioning over line one. We good time, right? Yes, sir. Chinese Ray. Chinese Ray. Go ahead, Chinese Ray. Hey, how's it going, fucker? Hey, what up, Calgary?

Hey, why are you such a fucking cunt? I don't know. The same reason your sister is. Oh. Go back. Hey! That's Calgary. That's Canada. Takes all kinds.

We're taking them all. Bye-bye, dickhead. I want to get into the, again, the pink. I know the NFL does it, and we were watching baseball before we came on the air. And, again, just, I can't get over it. Guys can't have anything for themselves. I know it's Mother's Day and shit, and breast cancer is like Ebola, apparently. But can we give it a rest?

Anyways, I'll come back. I want to talk about that and a lot of other stuff. And like I said, the second hour, the very funny Mark Norman coming in. He's got a great special on Comedy Central called Don't Be Yourself. The number 866-969-1969. Back after this. Think of you as mine. you're listening to the nick dipalo show on faction talk sirius xm 103 the nick dipalo show returns now

Polo Show returns now. Hey, hey, welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969. And, yeah, I like Norman. Good man. Yeah, good guy, regular guy. Good joke writer, yeah. Working the craft.

He had to run out of here because he's got a set. A couple sets. Which I've got to get back into. I have no excuse not to now because I am in the city at night. And this show ends at 8. I'm going to start I'm not going to put in. I'm just going to

because I've been doing this 88 years and they let me do a guest set here and there. So hit me up on Twitter, too, at Nick DiPaolo. And my tour dates, go to nickdip.com for my tour dates. And as far as the podcast, folks, I do a podcast. On Monday, it's on riotcast.com and Stitcher. That's the free version, iTunes. But what's going to happen now is that show, we're going to take an hour of this Sirius radio show and condense it down to an hour for the podcast.

And Sirius let me do that, but I can't release it for 48 hours. So in other words, this show would be the Riotcast free version. It will come out Wednesday night of my podcast. Then Tuesday night will be the Thursday. That's for the connectpal.com subscribers. If you want to subscribe to my podcast, you go to connectpal.com slash Nick. And that's $3.99 a month. You get two to three more shows a week.

And that's how that's going to work. So it has to be a 48-hour clearance before I can release the podcast. All right? And that's how that goes. And like I said, I got to thank those guys because it kept my radio chops fresh for the time I wasn't on the radio. Anyways, I think we've taken of selfishness to a new level in this country um have you heard about this self-marriage movement growing uh in the united it's called self-marriage uh it's it says they're part of a growing relationship trend called sologamy that's like solo gamy sologamy erica anderson

a 37 year old chick from bro from Brooklyn, I mean woman, planned a formal ceremony with a white dress, floral bouquet, and walked down the aisle, only no one was waiting for her, and that was just the way she wanted it. What the fuck? Anderson said she grew tired of people asking why she was single, so in front of friends and family, she married herself. If that's not taking selfishness to a new level.

By the way, you know where she got the idea? That one of my favorite shows, Sex and the City. I say that kiddingly. Yeah, self-marriage or sologamy is growing partly because it's popping up in pop culture. Like when an episode of Sex and the City floated the the idea the movement's gone global and companies are trying to capitalize marry yourself in canada offers consulting and wedding photography a bunch of pictures of yourself standing there and your fucking chubby arms nobody likes you how about you how was i'm just picturing don't they have like What the hell is that I don't know

Is that a paper How was the Don't they have What do they call them When you When your Girlfriends Get married

They go to a Oh a wedding shower So what is she Sitting there by herself Just opening Packages You know what I'm saying no friends yeah she bought a dildo oh another dildo oh 18 batteries oh a toaster oven huh she's by herself

i this is actually catching on you marry yourself but i don't we're a nation of assholes you're watching rome in its final days honestly god i'm starting to think uh somebody has a point i don't want to say who that group is but 866-969-1969 listen to this uh yeah the move the movement's gone global san francisco's jeffrey levin started a website called imarriedme.com. Fucking typical. There you'll find a soligamy ceremony kits that include a wedding band, daily affirmation cards, and vows. If you buy into this, you're just a fucking idiot.

Okay? I think it's increased over the years and it's something that's becoming more understood and more accepted. Levin, the con man, said, oh, hell yeah. Look at this. All these websites. Your reason to celebrate. Anderson married herself to celebrate the independence and believes others should, too. You're worth it, she said. Anderson just celebrated her one year anniversary with a solo trip to Mexico. You're not married. You're a single broad that nobody wants to fuck.

Okay. Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar. You know it. Uh, what the fuck? She said, listen to this. She said, even though she's married to herself, she's dating and open to marrying another person. In other words, it's all a farce you're just single and and i don't even get it you show up at events family events you're still by yourself uh but this shit catches on it's catching on that between

that and the mini ponies at the airport i'm really worried i'd say we have a good week um i don't uh married yourself i lived by myself for a few years and and got i get too too self i don't know it's over right now do you i don't know if i go back to living with somebody i couldn't live in another room but i have to be a girl you know you have to be a girl or wife yeah? You'd have to be a girl or a wife. Yeah. Yeah, I was by myself for quite a few years. And what happens is you get like Pauly Walmutz. When you get around people, you can't stop talking.

I remember my father saying to like my wife, you saved him from himself. I was pretty obnoxious. When I get around people, I couldn't shut up. Yeah, yeah. Because you're not talking to anybody all day. And your comic is even worse. I know. You live in, you know, you're by talking to anybody all day and when you're a comic it's even worse I know you live in you know you're by yourself

you know you get a spot at 1030 that night it's the first time you say hello to anybody you get a little nuts and then you get a little eccentric you know what I mean

I'm keeping my cereal in the kitchen sink just dumping boxes in you know shit like let's go to Jose in California he thinks that self marriage is a stupid idea and I'm sort of with Jose.

How are you? Welcome to the show. Good. How are you, Nick? Good. What do you think of this self-marriage horseshit? I'm telling you, I'm laughing my ass off right now, because, you know, I used to think that people wanted to marry a rock or a sheep or whatever the hell they wanted to marry. And I thought that was stupid. So now this is getting to a next level, you know?

Well, let me ask you, did you know anybody that was dating rocks or sheep out there? I don't know. San Jose's a different place. I'm just telling you, I hear this on the news. You know, they want to marry their horse or they want to marry their goat or whatever. I can understand that. That I can understand. I mean, you're a giant cock involved, but you marry yourself.

I mean, if I married my... You know what I mean? By the way, Nick, I've been following you forever. You're a good freaking comedian, so thank you for this. But this is just way beyond my belief, okay? Yeah, we're losing it in this country. Jose, let me ask you a question. You live in California.

That's correct. And I can tell you're of Hispanic descent. Yeah, of course. And what do you think of the current president? Well, me personally, I like him. I just, there's a lot going on right now. I mean, when we listen to the news, we don't know what's really true or what's not. Yeah.

So it's really kind of hard to follow the truth about everything, so it makes it really difficult to create an opinion, you know? I guess. I just wanted to know, like, you know, the whole, you know, the building of the wall, and you're out in California, and are you Mexican? Yeah, you know, it's really funny because I always tell my friends, who's going to build it? Mexicans, of course, you know? Exactly. And then I tell them every so often they're going to forget to put concrete on some of the blocks, you know?

Yeah, exactly. They'll hand out blueprints to their friends and go, yeah, 11A, that's the second row. Kick that one in. Yeah. And from the gay, you can just come in. Yeah. No, exactly. But, okay, I appreciate the call, Jose. Thanks a lot.

Thank you for it. I'm still laughing about this. I mean, like you said, it's coming down to we don't know what. Yeah, marrying yourself and Shetland ponies. Thanks a lot, buddy. All right. Take care. Have a good day.

All right. It really is, man. You go on these websites and just read the headlines, and I'm like, it's like the Twilight Zone. It really is. Let's go to Dave in Los Angeles. Dave in line four. Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo Show. How are you? All Show. How are you?

Hi, how are you doing, Nick? Pretty good. He's at the raceway. You better believe it, watching it. No, I forgot what the term is, but there's people that are obsessed with objects, and you can Google her. It's called retarded.

Yeah. She's born or something, but she was married, or she was dating the Eiffel Tower for years. And she left the Eiffel Tower and she's married now to the Berlin Wall. She actually had to go through all the government, get this paperwork authorization. She spent the night in one of the guard towers and she made love to the wall, she says. Are you shitting me? No, Google it.

I mean, she's famous. She's famous. There's pictures of her, like, supposedly having sex with the Eiffel Tower, and it talks to her. And she's cheating on it with the Berlin Wall, and she left the Eiffel Tower for the Berlin Wall. And now she's married to it. I wouldn't want to have to follow the Eiffel Tower. That's some sloppy seconds. That is a penetration. Was it the Eiffel Tower. That's some sloppy seconds. That is a penetration.

Was it the Eiffel Tower or LeBron James? Let's be honest. Yeah. You know? I had never heard that story. So people are marrying inanimate objects, too. Objects. We've lost it in this country.

Would you not agree, Dave? Oh, I agree with you 100%. I mean, believe it or not, I just witnessed my brother marrying his pencil. So, you know, I was a witness to that. Thanks for the call, Dave. I get, uh, I don't know.

I'm making fun of it. Go ahead, Brendan. Brendan looks like he had something. I'm just saying, I would probably pay to see that girl be married to that piece of the Berlin Wall. It doesn't sound bad. I don't know. It depends on what she looks like. How do you...

How do you... This is her. Pull it up. Let's see her. She's on the screen up here. Oh, please. First of all, she's going to need a tetanus shot if that goes in her. That's the...

What year was that? That's got to be a tetanus shot if that goes in her. That's the best. What year was that? That's got to be. It looks so in love. 1979, June 17th. 1979? I was 11 days old. Oh, so Reagan actually was kind of divorced her. You know what I'm saying?

Reagan kind of took that. Who said that? I did. Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little commoner shit twinkle toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? That was my boss upstairs from Sirius. I wonder if there's any guys doing that, marrying themselves. I'm guessing it goes across all, right?

Because I did see a headline real quick, but I was so disgusted I didn't read it. But self-marriage, same-sex self-marriage. Where are we headed, folks? Where are we headed? We're missing big news, apparently. I don't know. We can't talk about it now. But Trump, something revealed, classified stuff to the Russians.

Yeah. Ah, for the love of... Let's clear this up. Roger on line two. Roger, what's going on? Hey, what's up? What's up, brother? Love you, buddy.

Thank you. Love you. I heard a lot. I never actually knew who you were until I heard Ron Bennington talk about you, and then I heard some of your comedy. I love you, man. You're awesome.

I appreciate that. I'm not a very good marketer. I never had a PR person. Hey, neither was I, so it's cool. But listen, I've got to ask you about the Opie thing. You guys are cool, right? Yes. This is the oddest thing.

And once again, social media takes on a life of its own, these non-stories, which I'm learning. The last time I saw Opie, I think he was still in there with Jimmy. I don't know how many months ago that was i have no memory anymore but uh it all started on him and robert kelly we're doing a back and forth and then robert said it's a little thing we do and i call and i go call suck in the air out of the room just add to add it was more at robert it wasn't directed and then i think i think opie thought it was towards him or something i don't know what exactly what happened. But I had seen Opie since then. I saw him coming out of the elevator.

And, yeah, no, not that I know of. I don't think there's any animus there. But, like I said. And Opie said there was nothing. He's right. Why wouldn't you be on his show this afternoon before your show comes on? Like a little bit. That's a good question.

I tried to, when I did Bennington last week, I ran into their producers and I said, hey, can I jump in there? Because I wanted to clear it up. And he goes, his producer, he had like four guests in there. And he seemed sincere. True, that's true. So I don't know. And then this slot was when they used to replay his show, I guess. Again, all that is out of my hands, right?

I'm brand new here. Absolutely. But people online like to start, you know. Yeah, that's all. And why did you take it? Obi made a comment. That was it. And he said everything was cool.

Yeah. And he's being sincere, and so am I. I've never had a problem with Opie ever. Buddy, I wish you all the luck in the world. I think you're a great comedian. I'm glad you have a show, and I hope it goes very well. I appreciate that, Roger, and I appreciate the support. Thanks.

Absolutely, buddy. Take care. See you, bud. Yeah, it's funny. I like Roger. Huh? I liked Roger. Yeah, he's level-headed. Roger. Huh? I liked Roger. Yeah, he had it level-headed.

He wasn't screaming it to a ham radio. He wasn't flying a kite on the beach when he called us. It was kind of nice, wasn't it? Can I make that request? Call from a landline? I'm the only one that uses a landline anymore, right? You guys don't. No.

What the hell? 866-969-1969. But, and again, we'll get into, you know, I don't know what's expected of me on this show. People thought because of my, again, they had me do a week of shows right before the election. Back in October, they had me do a week. And it was mostly politics because we were right in the middle of that election and i had people and we'll we'll do all that stuff you know and um because we're so divided it's just it's so crazy what i'm watching i'm watching uh i'm watching cnn and uh they actually are doing a story.

I guess Trump was having dinner with some people, and they served ice cream. And this is on CNN, by the way. I hated CNN before I even knew what politics was. And they force an army at the airports, by the way, right? You got to sit there. That's my biggest fear. The last voice and face I'm going to see is Wolf Blitzer before my plane

hits the side of a fucking mountain, spreading his horseshit. But they actually did a segment entitled Two Scoops for Trump. Jeannie Moss, she's been there for a thousand years, talks about Trump's executive privilege for receiving two scoops of ice cream while the

three Time magazine correspondents he was having dinner with, they only got executive privilege for receiving two scoops of ice cream while the three uh time magazine correspondents he was having dinner with they only got one so i'm not making this shit up play play the clip the president gets two scoops you know everyone else around the table gets one uh no word if there were sprinkles right well the broad the broader point here is that they were trying to make in the time article is you like the white House staff is adapted to Donald Trump's taste. So when everyone else gets water, he gets a Diet Coke. When everybody gets one scoop of ice cream, he gets two. Shut up! Shut, shut, shut, shut, shut up!

Shut up! What the fuck? I don't care in what context they were doing this. And they weren't really joking around about it. You heard the lady. She actually mentioned sprinkles with a straight C. I thought George W. Bush derangement syndrome. This is unheard of to me.

Again, I'm saying all this before. We don't know what's happening behind us on the screen. But CNN, I just, they've made me nuts forever. And I've actually not taken Delta because you take a Delta flight. CNN, that was a Ted Turner invention to begin with. That's right. Yeah. So that's why it's in every friggin.

But can you imagine, can you fuck the pettiness? That's the mentality of an eight-year-old girl at a birthday party. Diane got more coke than I did. I want more soda. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you guys hate him no matter what he does and shit, but this, even for me, I couldn't ignore this one. You have to be kidding.

Let's go to Stromboli on line four. Stromboli. Stromboli. Nicky. Stromboli. Stromboli. Nicky. What's up, brother? Good luck, brother. Good luck. Thank you so much.

What's the matter? Trump got free ice cream and that's what they're upset about? No, he got two scoops as opposed to everybody else. He was sitting there with some correspondents from Time Magazine

having dinner. They all got one. So, you know, that's a sign that he's Hitler. Obviously, Hitler used to get like five scoops, you know, and... What, is he supposed to be like Serpico, go over and be like,

no, I don't want any free food, and push it back? I don't know. But they were actually having a conversation about it on fucking CNN. I mean, it's really hilarious to me. I can't wait until next season, the Ranger home opener. He's sitting in the luxury box with Putin and they're just slamming beers

he should go out to dinner again with another New York Times or something and everybody else gets everybody else gets like I don't know

a steak or whatever and he they bring a whole roast pig out to him just for him put it like a like a

like a two and not say anything and just pick up his fork and knife. Stick his... And when the bill comes, he's like, Fitch Lomato, we good here? Yeah, there you go. Stick a napkin in your shirt like Jethro Boudin. And it's just unbelievable how much I hate this guy. I can't even... It's fun, though. So anyways... That means he's doing his job. That's right. Stromboli, thank you, brother. Thanks, bro. Bono fortuna, though. So anyways. That means he's doing his job. That's right. Stromboli, thank you, brother. Thanks, bro.

Bono fortuna, Nicholas. Same to you, man. Guy hits me up on Twitter all the time. Funny as hell. I think he knows Quinn personally. I think he knows him personally. You know that guy, Andy? No, but I was impressed.

He dropped about four references from Everything We Love. Yeah. In about a two-minute phone call. Oh, he's funny as hell. Feech Lamana, Serpico. He sends me a picture of his kid who's like three years old. He's got the kid in one of those wife beaters already. Kid's like three. He's in a wife beater with

a gold cross on, sitting in front of a thing of Ziti with most stereotypical Italian pictures. I was going to say, I expect nothing less from a man who calls himself Stromboli. No, exactly. Exactly. But, I mean, we've lost it, man. I don't care. And if you hate Trump, I mean, you got to admit it's getting fucking odd out there.

I don't know what else I wanted to talk about. I got all kinds of Chuck Schumer fucking jack off violence against republicans and trump supporters new normal this is in the daily caller one of the most recent incidents police in tennessee charged a woman with felony reckless endangerment on thursday for allegedly trying to run republican congressman david kustoff off the road after a town hall. The woman, Wendy Wright, was reportedly enraged over Kustoff's support for the American Health Care Act and screamed at the congressman and his aide, striking his car windows and reaching inside the vehicle. Women are getting really ballsy. On the way here, you know, I live way up in northern Westchester. I'm on the Taconic. I'm in the left lane.

The speed limit's 50. Was that a five or a 10, Andy? I saw two five. This lady comes, I'm in the left lane. The speed limit's 50. I'm doing 65. She comes right up on my ass. I'm talking two inches behind my bumper.

You know, is there anything more selfish than like a housewife with a giant Starbucks and her SUV trying to get to her nail fucking appointment? She's right on my ass. So I hit the, I tap the brakes. That's exactly what I do. Yeah, that's good. We end up paralyzed. We made a point.

No, I tap it. So they. Yeah. Fucking hit you. And again, you're shitting into a bag on your hip. You got a voice box going, I won that one. But I, you know, and so I speed up up now i speed up to 75 doing her a favor right she fucking blows by me i already got my finger out but this is a woman i know i sound like a

sexist pig right now i might follow you i'm pretty sure i can beat you if it gets physical i'm not gonna but i'm saying she's already got her finger if i got i'm doing 75 that's that's gonna you know how many points it is in new york and on and you and your fucking insurance goes through the roof but this broad is and then she gets she gets back in the left lane does the same thing the next car right up on its ass she's probably gonna marry herself when she gets home this selfish but um yeah a lot of violence going on again so so this lady tries to run this republican congressman off the road because of his stance on american health care act and screamed at the congressman's aid i mean just a fucking psychopath but a lot of shit's going on uh same day in

tennessee um the same day that happened in tennessee police in north dakota escorted an enraged man from another town hall after he became physical with Republican rep Kevin Cramer over his support for the GOP Obamacare replacement the guy goes well will the rich benefit from it if if the health care is destroyed do the rich get a tax break yes or no the man shouted before shoving cash down the congressman's collar there you go take it says, actually physically touching him. So you people on the left have fucking lost your minds, not to mention the shit that goes on at Berkeley. And, you know, day before that, Huffington Post article showed an article that showed how to really turn up the heat on elected officials. It went viral.

showed an article that showed how to really turn up the heat on elected officials. It went viral. The author, Michelangelo Signorelli, called on protesters to harass Republicans at dinner when they were out shopping, even at home. Societal norms for the basic levels of decency one should afford political opponents, Signorelli argued, no longer apply to liberals. It's time to move beyond polite protests within specified boundaries. It's time to escalate the expression of our outrage and our anger in a massive way, he wrote. Starting today and from here on, no elected official,

certainly those in the GOP defending and supporting Trump on a variety of issues, should be able to sit down for a nice, quiet lunch or dinner in Washington, D.C. eatery, or even in their own homes he says they should be hounded by protesters everywhere especially in public in restaurants and shopping centers in their districts and yes on the public property outside their homes and apartments in washington and back in their home states this article signorelli's article um have been shared more than 29,000 times. He's got a show here.

Yeah, you can catch him on Progress. Good. Signorelli, yeah. Yeah. What the fuck's he out of his mind? So he should hassle politicians at home

that you don't agree with physically? And I'm worried about the shit I'm saying? Here? Are you telling me we're almost done for the night? That's it.

We got a minute left? That's it. Oh my God. I felt like I cut a double box set. We've been here forever. Anyways, go to nickdip.com. Look up my dates, okay? And hit me up on Twitter and stuff.

And this is the type of shit that leads to Civil War, folks. You're not giving us any room. I don't care if he works here or not. Fucking, if you want to get physical, you know, this is why you have to carry a gun. I'm all for that, too. We'll get into that tomorrow. Hey, thank you guys for calling in. It was a fun first night. Had a great time. And we're going to do it at, what,

five nights a week? Absolutely. Monday through Friday. What am I forgetting? Six days. Thank you to Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Thank you. And to you guys. Andy, nice job. Can't wait, man. We'll be back here tomorrow. Absolutely. Thanks a lot, guys. Talk to you guys, Andy, nice job. Can't wait, man. We'll be back here tomorrow. Absolutely. Thanks a lot, guys. Talk to you tomorrow night. guitar solo I'm a