The Nick DiPaolo Show - 198- Eclipse/ More Bats

Episode Date: August 22, 2017

Eclipse/ More Bats

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Well, hello, everybody. It's Monday. How depressing. How are you? Okay? I burnt the goddamn rods and cones out of my eyes staring at that sun. I didn't know it could hurt you. I had a fucking nice pair of binoculars. Stared at it for about, I'd say, 11 minutes. Now I need one of those dogs that you bring on a plane.

And I don't mean seeing eye dogs, the emotional ones. Emotional support dogs. Emotional support. Yeah, that's the phrase. Fuck. That's Andy Fiore. I'm 39. Excuse me.

I'm 55. He's 39, and his memory is fucking worse than mine. Therapy dog. Whatever. Therapy dog. Close enough. I'm just saying. That was all the hype.

And I said to my wife, she's getting all excited. She's got a cardboard box with two holes cutting it and and some white paper taped on the inside and and uh she put it on her head and i do what all husbands do when you know a wife has a box on their face i paid the girl to leave listen what get out of here you can't talk like no i hit it with a fucking wiffle ball bat i was trying to i was cracking it overhead and she's laughing and i getting blind. What a crock of shit that was. Let's get these phones straight, fellas. Andy's playing on the computer right now.

There we go. Everything okay? Just making the font bigger. Font this. I saw what you were doing. Fucking what am I, Julian Assange? I understand what you're doing over here. I saw you with the mouse.

Anyways, yeah, that was very disappointing. And I told the wife, I go, unless you're in fucking, you know, Oregon, don't get excited. I said, I was 17 the last one. And I go, you know, today was that? I've had like, I've had like a fat broad block the sun on the beach. And been, you know what I mean? Yeah, it got darker then. Why are you going to a fat broad block the sun on the beach and been, you know what I mean? Yeah, it got darker then. Why are you going to say fat broad?

Okay, a fat fella. A nice chubby guy. Anything not to offend. But, you know, my wife is getting all excited. 75% totality, whatever, as opposed to the 100. There were certain states that get whack good. And sure enough, she's like, that was, I go, yeah, it was like a rain cloud. You know? She's got the box on her head. I'm fucking laughing. I put it on my head.

So I wore the box on my head to watch the news after. I'm looking through those little holes because I was watching Rachel Maddow. I didn't want to see her Adam's apple on her giant forehead, so I could just... That's not true. She comes on tonight. Oh, kiss my grits. Let's not get personal here. So, yeah, you wanted to be on the west coast of Oregon, and it took 90 minutes to get to South Carolina,

where it was stabbed when it arrived. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I hate it right now. I might... where it was stabbed when it arrived. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, 70 mile wide, 25 mile long path of totality traversing 14 states, and I guess I was in one of the wrong ones, because Jesus H. Christ, was that a popcorn fart and a disappointment? That was the first, uh, total solar eclipse spanning the entire continental United States since 1918.

Also the first total solar eclipse visible anywhere in the lower 48 states in 38 years. Again, ooh, boo, 38 years, wow. That's like, again, baseball. Oh, this last time a guy hit for the cycle was 2016 april oh you mean last year let me shit my bloomers big effing deal now how how about you they did get excited in the states though where it was pretty cool the states where he got the full effect that that sunburst thing that was exciting i'm sure that was worth waiting in line at home depot for 19 hours to buy welder's

glasses and build a tent for your kids and get canned goods whatever the fuck you did but i love when shit it was like geraldo rivera when he broke into the safe and there was nothing that type of shit the whole we really are i watched the uh ball game this weekend and people still doing the wave and i go see see, that's how Hitler got started. Today's Democrat Party. These are the people. Everybody else is standing up and waving their stupid arms. Let's do it.

It must be right. Group thinking moron. We'll get to the Boston rally in a few minutes and my take on that. Well, not in a few minutes. Maybe the second half of the show. Maybe the third half, which makes no sense. I had a girl when I was dating when I first moved to New York watching a Celtics game. She goes, how much time is left in a Celtics game? I go, it's only the second quarter.

She goes, how many quarters are there? So I picked up my club sandwich. I stuffed it right in her forehead. I go, get out of here. She actually said, how many quarters in a game? I don't know, but here's two. Go to the payphone and call yourself a cab. That's right.

That's how long ago there was payphones. So call in if you enjoy the eclipse i'm sure the phones will fucking light up brighter than the eclipse it's a call in 866-969-1969 i'd like to hear from some people who maybe saw it for more than 11 seconds and got the full effect people who weren't in westchester county new york like myself in the backyard and uh with a paper box on the head I saw the president he had his little glasses on and he takes them off

to get a better look I was good maybe it'll darken that white shit around his eyes he looks like he's uh Trump's eyes always looks like

he's in a tanning bed without he forgets to take the goggles off but that was so funny there's pictures of him like actually squinting looking at it like

it's beautiful. It's huge. It's huge. You know this is the greatest eclipse. It's the greatest solar it's the first one ever. I'm the first president ever

to be in office when there's a solar he's saying he's well that's the shit he lies about little stuff. He's right he's, well, that's the shit he lies about, little stuff. He's right on the big stuff. But, um, total eclipse of the sun. Real, uh,

real hootenanny. I'd like to hear from, we have people in Oregon and Nebraska. Call in and tell us if there was traffic jams that I heard about and stuff. And, uh. Did you buy the goggles? You know, I'm reading on the internet, it goes,

it can potentially damage your eye. That's all I needed to see was potentially, and I kept looking over my shoulder. Okay, it may damage, it may not. I'll take my chances, right, Bill? I mean, Andy? You look like... Let's take a look at the monitors.

This is part of the show, too. Let's see what they're talking about. CNN. Well, they're almost on point. They're talking about Afghanistan. And, oh, he's going to sign off additional 4,000 troops to Afghanistan. That goes against what he said during his campaign, actually. Right?

Then he promised we're spending too much time on it anyways uh yeah the eclipse i was getting nervous because and i'll get to this in a few minutes another bad sighting at my house two nights in a row it's i'm calling in the pros on thursday by the way i can't take it these things are too creepy you know they're oily too that's how the pros find where they enter your house. They leave it greased. You know? It's like Italians breaking into your house.

I can say that because I'm Italian, folks. I could have went with a bunch of other ethnicities, but this is what it's come to in this country. By the way, they're going to try to tear down Columbus statue, too. At the end of this segment, I'm going to put up a picture on Twitter, at Nick DiPaolo. It's a picture of me

and it's FDR and his wife, a statue. I went to the FDR library about five years ago and they're, you know, that statue and they're like sitting at a table. They're sitting on a bench.

I'm in between them giving FDR a stiff arm to his face as I talk to his wife, who's apparently the size of Gronkowski. So I want you guys to come up with a caption for it. I couldn't, you know,

with all the statues. I had a bunch of them, but my wife said, well, you're going to get fired from the world if you put those up. But, you know, he did intern. He was the one who put 50,000 Japanese

in internment camps. So let's see if the libs come for those statues. But good luck getting Eleanor out of there. She's got a back on her like Lou Ferrigno. 866-969-1969. I want to hear about the eclipse, folks. I wasn't that disappointed. And the wife was.

I said, look, in 1979, we had one of these things. And it was like, you know, it was like a cloudy day. It was, I thought it was going to be pitch black and they'd be looting and stuff. But some states saw that, though. Right? Right? RP? right? RP, I can't really see the screen

because I stared at the, RP and Reno, what's going on, RP? Hey now. What's up, brother? Reno, Nevada. Yes, sir. So we couldn't see you.

It didn't go completely black here, but what I saw and what I want to get your opinion on was the early eclipse sightings of a young or old man and his genitalia going over a flashlight. I received that, I would say, 17 times before the actual eclipse. Yes, I know. You know what I'm talking about? Yes, the testicles. Yep, that was Artie Lang.

Was it Artie? I'm joking. I thought it was, I'll tell you who I thought it was. I thought it was Valerie Jarrett or Rachel Maddow. That was my first guess. No, no, no, no. Rachel has much more hair on her testicles than that. All right, RP.

Thanks for checking in. Take care, brother. Did you get that, Andy? The Valerie show? No. No. Did you get the video? No.

It's probably gone viral. It looks like the sun, you know, you think it's going to be, and all of a sudden, these testers come down and block the light. Very nice. Very nice, Handy. Very nice. Here's my question, and I asked my wife. If it's so dangerous to look at it and can really damage, how i've had how come oprah never had anybody on or anybody that went blind from looking have you ever met anybody and known anybody or

seen anybody on tv or been interviewed saying yes look what happened to me i think the guy in kung fu remember kung fu's boss yes the guy who hands him the hot hibachi to carry over rice paper whatever i think he stared at it hot hibachi to carry over rice paper, whatever. I think he stared at it. Hot hibachi over rice paper. Oh, my God, am I a poet? But I've never heard anybody saying, yeah, my cousin was in the hospital. Be funny, though.

We see Trump tomorrow, like, trip over something. Can't even see. Again, I like the fella. I'm just going to bust his chops though but I've never heard of anybody maybe somebody out there knows somebody I saw I'm watching it on TV and I see

you know everybody had their glasses on but there was one woman who didn't like to the right of the person doing the interview just staring up at like a dope I'm hoping she's that person we can get her in here but she was just staring up at like a dope i'm hoping she's that person we can get her in here but she was just staring up at it like it was uh you know like a sky writer i i was too lazy to look up how it damages your eyes brendan do you have any idea maybe soft serve might not give him a call say it burns the retinas, they say. Whatever part that is. But what burns it exactly?

The RV? Are you fucking... The RV race. RV race. The registered vehicle race. Yeah, it was a real popcorn fight here in New York, but... Dave in San Diego. What's going on, Dave?

Hey, Nick. How you doing? Pretty good. They canceled the ball game? Hey, I'm gonna, Dave? Hey, Nick. How you doing? Pretty good. They canceled the ball game? Yeah. Well, no. They didn't cancel. They did a delay. And it was the Minnesota AAA team that they

delayed. Well, thank God you called in. Holy shit. Hey, before you hang up, I have three quick things I want to rapid-fire and get your opinion on. One is, who cares about the solar eclipse? If you hang up, I have three quick things I want to rapid-fire and get your opinion on. All right. So one is, who cares about the solar eclipse if you Google it? Europe has it like every other year, so it's nothing famous.

The second thing is with this Chappelle Nodal chick. Yeah. At first she said it was wrong, but she's not going to apologize, nor will she resign. Now she's apologizing all over the place. How come none of the Democrats have came out and rebooted her or stood against her? I mean, this just shows. Did you say rebooted her? What is she, a robot?

Rebooted. Refeuted her. Yes. You're talking about the Congress, I mean, the Senate. Is it from Missouri? Where is she from? Yes. Yes, Missouri. is she from? Yes. Yes, Missouri.

Is she black? Yes. Of course she is. And she still has her job, correct? Not one Democrat has came out and said anything against her. When she first posted it on Facebook, she said she wanted Trump assassinated, by the way. This is what we're talking about. Yes.

Yeah. Can you? And then so when she took it down, she said'm not going to apologize to trump yeah what i said was wrong yeah but i'm not going to resign now she's apologizing to the whole trump family and and over i mean multiple times but she still hasn't resigned and not one democrat came out and said that that is wrong that well you're asking me that our person should be all right you're asking me why that is? Because that's what they stand for. That's what they stand for. Fucking hate, violence.

They're the ones. Fuck white supremacy. Nancy Pelosi is mentally ill. And everybody that thinks like she does is mentally ill. And that's how much they hate Trump. And by the way, if was in there for 30 years if this broad was white she would have been forced to resign but that's the double standard thank you for the call dave i appreciate it i want to get back to the eclipse talk before we get on that

could you pull up uh the woman who said that nadal chapelle fucking whatever really uh but it really is a joke. Let's go to Lee in Ohio. He watched the full eclipse. He's at a hospital right now having snow cones held on his eyelids. Your thoughts, Lee? I can't see shit. Yeah, I was in Russellville, Kentucky, about 15 miles from Hopkinsville, where it was like two minutes and 40 seconds.

from Hopkinsville, where it was like two minutes and 40 seconds. And for everybody who says, no big deal, it was a big deal. I mean, it went dark. Streetlights came on. Oh, cool. It was very, very cold. Now, was that one of the states where there was totality? You got the, oh, he fell off.

He probably took a hard right into the woods in his car because he's blinded. It was a terrific... What? Was Ohio one of the states? Probably. They got the full effect. I don't remember reading that. Holding snow cones in his eye. By the way, come see me and Andy Fiore, my producer here, this Friday and Saturday night,

August 25th, 26th, the Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Come see me September 16th, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. September 29th, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. And tomorrow we're going to get a comedian and head writer. I don't know him personally, but Andy Fiore, my producer, swears by him. He's the head writer for Kennedy on Fox News. Jimmy Failure. Is that right?

Failure. Failure. Yeah. Jimmy Failure will be here. And I like Kennedy. Kennedy's a sharp, funny chick. I don't know about those glasses of hers. Those glasses say, I don't want any dicks near me. Funny chick. I don't know about those glasses of hers. Those glasses say

I don't want any dicks nanny. But anyways. So this guy's her what? Writer? Yeah, head writer. Head writer. So he knows what he's doing. Funny comic. And a funny comedian. Former taxi driver. He's got good stories. Alright. Good man. Perfect. Perfect.

Let's go to Peter in Denver. Pete, what's going on? Did you see the eclipse? Nicky, how are you? I'm hanging in there, brother. Hey, buddy. Thanks. Hey, yeah, sorry. We're driving back right now. On a good day, it's a four and a half hour drive to Alliance, Nebraska. Okay. We're working on almost five and a half now with the traffic. But it was, you know what, Nick?

I swear I was going to go see this. Your phone's peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Your phone sounds like it's underwater. I got none of that. Try it again. Sorry, can you hear me, Nicky? Now I can. Go ahead.

Is that better? No. No? No. Thank you. Thank you. See ya. Sorry. Blame that on? No. No? No. Thank you. Thank you. See ya. Sorry.

Blame that on the eclipse. Fucked up the... Now, as I understand it... Is somebody trying to explain it? The sun goes over the moon, and it backs into Jupiter. My sign is retrograde, so I didn't have to wear the glasses. It is pretty interesting. I really, you know, I know the moon went in between the Earth and the sun.

And I know that we orbit around the sun, don't we? Yeah. And we also spin on our axis. And the moon today was directly in between us. That's called totality. We've had other eclipses where it's partial. That's where you see like the toenail. Can you stare at that without losing a nipple?

Anybody? Let's go to Tim in Georgia. I think he enjoyed it. Tim? Hey, man, what's going on? Did you enjoy the eclipse? Dude, I had to go from Charlotte to Atlanta. I'm a truck driver.

And when I got on I-85, I ran to a damn backup, just stop and go, stop and go. When I got to the Georgia-South Carolina line, turned Flavor Flav Black. No kidding. What kind of blacked Flavor Flav Black. No kidding. What kind of black? Flavor Flav Black. Oh, Flavor Flav Black. That's pretty black. Ace of Spades.

All right, now, the first one. All right, Tim. The first one was fine. Let's not fucking get too Georgia on me here. But Flavor Flav Black. It's pretty black. What it was, it started getting dark, and then the next thing I know, it's black. Like midnight black.

Yeah, that's how it works. You go from dark to black. And then about three minutes later, it's over. And that was it, huh? It's like sex, huh? And there were people, I mean, traffic everywhere. They parked everywhere. Yeah.

Just to see that. I know. That's, well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you stared right at it, did you? Yeah, I did look at it, yeah. Of course you did. I'll be blind tomorrow, though, but I played it today. Yeah, we'll hear the traffic tomorrow in Georgia. We got an 18-wheeler jackknife, huh?

Some guy. Yeah. All right, Timmy, thanks. I'm glad. Him's fucked up. He looked at the damn clips yesterday. He's fucked up every day. It was neat, though.

All right, I'm sure it was. I wish I saw it. Thank you for the call. Very disappointing here in New York. But again, but they said 75% New York. That wasn't even 35%. You know? When's the next one coming?

Another hundred years? I'll be around. I'm going to have my head frozen just my head and all my body frozen you're with disney yeah i want to sew my feet onto my neck that way i don't have to worry about keeping my weight down disney me and ted williams and disney oh yeah williams was that guy did he have a southern accent or what oh my god i didn't get that last sentence. I didn't get the whole call. Brett Butler used to say, I'm so Southern, I'm related to myself.

That's what it sounded like. That was a truck driver from Georgia. Mother of God. I'm almost ready to cry racism. Just from the accent. Let's go to somebody who was in a state where they were supposed to enjoy what they call totality. Richard in Oregon. Richard.

Yeah, it wasn't that good. It didn't get dark. But you were in the wrong part of the state. I was just south of Portland, Oregon, where it was supposed to be the best. It got dark enough where I could see my headlights on the pavement for two minutes, and then it was over with. No traffic, nothing. If it got too dark, you're complaining there was no traffic? No, I ain't complaining about no traffic. It was the best time I ever made going through Portland.

Oh, I see. I see what you mean. Good for you. If it got too dark, though, those left-wingers who have been out there saying we're appropriating some type of blackness. Am I right, Richard? Yes, yes, you are. All right. Thank you for calling in. Thanks. But, you know, Tony in Florida.

Tony, what's going on? What's happening there, Nick? Not too much. Was there any? It's the sunshine state. Exactly. Exactly. You know, they said it was supposed to be 80-some percent.

It was almost actually 90%. Was it really? Of the eclipse. Yeah, until the freaking clouds came in and thunderstorm. You just like how Florida is. Yeah. And then 45 minutes later, boom, you're good to go. The sun's back out. That's why I moved out of Florida. It was ruining the eclipses

for me. I said, fuck this, I'm going up north. Did you see that they actually had a cruise come out of, um, I think it was out of Fort Lauderdale, that it had, um, what's her name that sings, uh sings Total Eclipse of the Heart? Bonnie Tyler?

Yeah, they actually had a cruise down through the Caribbean just for this. Un-fucking-believable. Anything to make a buck. Right. How old is that broad now anyway? She'll be 77 on saturday okay do you think she's saying it that good today oh she can still belt it out i i scalped tickets to see her a couple weeks ago okay yeah tits like an angel all right all right

take it easy i'll door for you. Once upon a time I had oxygen in my lungs. But now... What are you laughing at? What are you pointing at? I don't think Tony got any of the jokes. Oh, I know.

Nothing. I was drilling line drives over his head. He was like a paralyzed center fielder. Come on, reach for him. Oh. 77 years old. Although, I say that kiddingly.

You might have left. I know, because she was no spring chicken when that came out. And that was in the early 80s. Once upon a time there was cock in my life. Now there's only

been one. Total of the... Let's take one more before we break and folks uh oh i haven't posted it should i post it now or during the break during the break i'm going to post a picture of me it's a statue of me not me it's a statue of fdr and his wife sitting on a bench uh excuse me i'm sitting in between him i'm giving uh fdr a stiff arm and uh yelling at his beautiful wife eleanor who was 6'3 265 drafted of the university of texas um number 12 overall the nfl draft anyways i want you guys come up with a caption for it since with all the statue fun and don't go with the you know i got a hand in his face you could

make an eclipse joke i'm blocking his eyes and you know he's already a cripple they don't want to blind the mother but uh come up with a funny caption i'll post a picture at nick dipalo on twitter at nick dipalo not the show account my personal account and uh come up with a funny caption for it and uh if we like it i'll send you one slipper i found it today on the way here walking. Looked clean, so I picked it up. 866-969-1969. When we get back, I'll talk about my, going to my comedy friend, Joe Liss, got married this weekend.

And we'll talk about that. And we'll talk about the Boston rally. And, you know, what a farce that turned out to be. Everybody's saying, oh, it's great. There was no violence. Well, there's a real easy explanation for that. And I'll explain that to you. So, yeah, go to at Nick DiPaolo on Twitter.

I'm going to put that picture up during the break. 866-969-1969. Sit tight, kids. 69. Sit tight, kids. You're listening to the Nick DiPaolo Show on SiriusXM, Faction Talk 103. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Welcome back to the final segment on a Monday night, folks. 866-969-1969. And remember, tomorrow, comedian and head writer for Kennedy. You see her show on FNC. Jimmy Fallon will be here. Very funny guy. Kennedy's head writer, so he's got to be a sharp dude.

And then this weekend, I will be at the Stress Factory with Andy Fiore, my producer here. Friday and Saturday night, New Brunswick, New Jersey, the Stress Factory. We might get Vinnie Brand, the owner of the Stress Factory, in here. You're like, why? Well, because he's kind of an interesting dude. He's got seven kids, runs this, it's one of the more popular clubs in the tri-state area. Very successful. He's a right winger. He's deaf seven kids, runs this, it's one of the more popular clubs in the tri-state area. Very successful. He's a right winger. He's deaf in one ear.

Sometimes he goes on stage and does two and a half hours before he brings up the feature act. So we'll talk about that if he wants to come in. He's a pain in the ass. He keeps going, well, can we set it up? It would have been easier to get the Pope in here to fucking do an interview this week. So Vinny, if you're listening, wake the fuck up and get your ass in here. Otherwise, me and Andy Fury aren't going to show.

Andy just looked at me like, what are you kidding me? I'll be there. Oh! I stand by you. I say it again. What the fuck's he going to think about? September 16th, I'll be at the Newtown Theater. Newtown, Pennsylvania. I i love that i did that in

the winter time you know you're pulling through those little towns in the middle of nowhere but it's all lit up and and uh it's a real theater downstairs there's you know all these wardrobes where they put on faggy plays and shit i asked the kid to get me a beer and he goes out to his trunk of his car and brings in like a it was not no but those are the nights i asked the kid to get me a beer and he goes out to his trunk of his car and brings in like a it was not no but those are the nights i enjoy the most you don't know what and then you go out to a crowd that knows who you are and it's just fun and i'm home i drive a couple hours and i'm i could do that over and over again the problems i have now when you go ah well you know we got a gig for you it's uh in pittsburgh uh thursday through sunday five shows are you shitting me that seems like a

thursday through sunday that seems like a may to august at this stage and it shouldn't folks i'm not saying support your local comedy clubs i'm just at a different stage of my career what i like to work as little as possible. Because let's be honest, I'm lazy. What? You heard me. Anyways. Went to Joe Liss.

You know Joe Liss, our buddy Joe Liss? We've had him on the show before. He's a Boston, a young Boston comic. When I found him, he was a little rough around the edges and came down here and cleaned up his act. I used to call him on a Tuesday and go, what are you doing? I'm watching Goodfellas and having a few beers. It's like one in the afternoon. Call back at five, what are you doing now? Watching The Godfather, having a few more beers. Anyways, he got hitched. He's like my son. I feel like

I've yelled at him. We've had screaming matches over climate change and shit. I almost punched him once in a green room. Again, alcohol. Anyways, he got hitched to another comedian. I don't even know how to say Sarah's last name. Do you? Tolomash. Tolomash.

She actually did Colbert one night while Joe was doing Conan. A real power couple. Same night. And, yeah, here's the good part about it folks it was at a church not even a church it was at a hotel 15 minutes from not even 12 minutes from my house it just for once i felt like because every night i've been driving into the city an hour to do comedy for 20 something year it's like ah i get them back they all had to come up and that's the town i got married in right up the street so uh yeah so you know all the comics

with a gary gumman robert kelly got ordained or whatever you have to do to marry two people and uh so funny it's like 108 degrees he's bob's got those, like these Harry Carey from Chicago Cubs and Outser glasses on. But he did a nice job, you know? And it was a good time. I just got, I drank way too much. Just was an open bar and there was never a line. They had like four different bars. And, you know, about an hour in, I'm like six drinks in.

We've been there about an hour and 10 minutes that's not a good pace you just got ugly but uh sarah's dad was uh sweet this old guy just you know this old guy with gray hair get up there and you know i mean you could tell he's uncomfortable but gay you know i mean it was just, it almost made me cry. You know what I mean? He was so full of pride and shit, and just, I don't know, it was good.

It was good. I danced once. I think it was Clapton's Cocaine, one of those songs. No, it was even slower than that. Wonderful Tonight, I think it was. The rest of the time, let me tell you,

Bill Hicks had it right. Real men don't fucking dance. Even the guys in the heart of dance tell you bill hicks had it right real men don't fucking even the guys in the heart of dance you look really silly up there i just fucking sat there with a puss in my face but i look at a dance floor and it looked like a it looked like one of those kind of exercise tapes you see in infomercials to lose weight bunch of people banging and have no idea what they're doing i won't mention any names and um it was 119 degrees in my living room when i'm getting ready for the wedding i i put the suit i'm tying my tie you know i got my suit the the water from my forehead's going into my eyes i

got so mad i took it off i threw on a v-neck t-shirt and i a blue v-neck t-shirt and i threw a it's like a 500 calvin klein white jacket you know dinner jacket i've worn once i bought it to like host some special montreal thing like 10 years ago i threw that over a v-neck t-shirt and i put my jeans on and you know what i'd do it again in a sec i get there figuring out it's a couple you know it's comedians there'll be people that'll be kind of cash everybody's got their letterman shit on griff nick griffin's got his nice shoes and his gallman's got a nice suit and everybody everybody though except for ari shafir he had like a fucking he had like a maroon suit with a what's the thing what's the thing cowboys wear with a stone a bolo tie yeah bolo tie and he's got like he and he's got like high top sneakers that said something

like graffiti written on the side of him and i'm like thank christ you're here ari and sean is it sean donnelly who's got the red beard yeah donnelly yeah he was uh he dressed like a typical irishman he had a pair of khakis and a shitty shirt from target i'm like thank god you guys but people were actually looking at me the photographer goes out well you know what you actually can pull that off i'm like it's a compliment i guess never felt better though everybody else is sweating like Patti LaBelle. Patti LaBelle. I always say that because I opened for her.

It was 110 degrees one night. Cape. Yes. I opened for her in the 80s. And Cape Cod Coliseum, 119 degrees. Cape Cod, not Coliseum. What's it called? Music tent.

It was outdoors. Anyways, remember? I told you this. She called? Music tent. It was outdoors. Anyways, remember? I told you this. She called me down and said she was singing to me. She was sweating like Robert Parrish at the Fowl Line 1986, First Houston. Yes, in the old garden when it's 119 degrees. But little boy Joey List, all grown up, sober.

I couldn't get... How do you get through your own wedding without a drink? Huh? Who the hell else was there? Everybody. It was a series of strong feature acts. Like a convention of strong middles. No, Mark Norman, who had a nice, he had a suit on.

A little more casual than me. And all the guys i like all these young guys who i like real fun gallman these guys can write man they can write a joke and uh sit next to gallman's girlfriend she didn't say two words she had her phone out um i had fish started eating off other people's plates I was like that fat Kid in Caddyshack You gonna finish that fat I got really I got really sloppy I was drinking like

It was my junior prom In high school I was all fucked up Things started to get crooked You know And we go home After me and my wife Get in a little argument

Over nothing Nothing too major Screaming at each other And you know I go Okay you sleep up there. I'll go down. I, as I'm coming down the stairs, a bat flies by me.

Picture that you're in a miserable fight, this beautiful night turned sour. And now I have to deal with the, and I didn't, I just said, fuck you. I was so tired and drunk. I, you know, thing was flapping around in the, I went in and slammed the door shut. And, but now I i gotta deal with that i should check in actually so so so that so the bat goes away right and the bat goes away that doesn't go away i go away wake up the next day and we don't know where the bat is we know it's in the house this happened five years ago and you know where it was?

When you have drapes, they hide in the folds of the drapes. How creepy is that? It's super creepy. So I went around all day Sunday with a tennis racket

smacking every drape and curtain in the house. Shaking in my boots because I do not like the... This thing was lying dormant somewhere. All day we're sweating bullets excuse me bless you all day we're sweating bullets going where is this thing

could be in our bed when we go up so we don't know it gets dark i go downstairs sure enough my wife's like it's here it wasn't a rumor. Sure enough, I go upstairs. Again, so angry, I just go, fuck him. This is my house. I walk in the parlor. The thing's doing circles at 100 miles an hour. I open that front door.

I run out the front door. I crouch down by the side of the cement steps. And this thing makes two passes. And on the third one, it was gone. Total of a minute and a half. But the thing yeah that one's gone sure but we haven't fixed the problem where they're coming in from got a guy coming we got a pro coming on thursday and uh they couldn't get to us till thursday which means i'm gonna have to probably battle this tonight tomorrow night wed Wednesday. And Thursday they might do something depending on. They say they look for the grease.

Isn't that nice? Bats are greasy enough. They leave a grease stain as they enter your house. They look for the place. And then they put like a funnel type thing. I think a guy mentioned that. They called in. Where the bat can fly out, but it can't come back in because it's shaped like a

a funnel or whatnot and they got some more tricks i think they lured out with a slice of a marguerite pizza what yeah that's what the guy told me but uh jimmy in michigan i watched joe list bomb opening for louis jimmy i don't believe that jimmy go ahead nick dipelo your socks are made of gold Apple boy Why did you play the first two notes I hit the wrong mouse You are a Who does another It's not even your character

You're doing another guy's character What are you talking about He's calling up He's doing a Norton character When he does that voice I know I'm glad you dumped him. Dave in Santa Monica has a question.

Dave, how are you? Welcome to the show. Hey, Nick. How you doing? I was wondering if you were a fan of Jerry Lewis or Dick Gregory. Couldn't stand either of them. Two pompous assholes. Good riddance. Is that right? Yeah. Well, Jerry Lewis. I've heard that. I never heard that about Dick Gregory.

Ah, please, Dick Gregory with his social fucking commentary. Another whitey hater who fucking sold diet products. Well, he did kind of open up things about talking about race relations. Yeah, real groundbreaker. Well, then who did inspire you when you were starting out? Like what comics? Do you remember Mums Mabley? She was fantastic.

No teeth. No teeth. I was only kidding, but you're exactly right. No, I loved Carlin, obviously, you know, when Class Clown came out. And you know what? I'll tell you, Pryor, when that first live movie came out, I went to see Pryor. I took my dad. I went myself with a buddy of mine, and then I took my dad with a friend.

I've never seen my old man and his buddy. I thought they were going to die. So, yeah, you know, Carl and Pryor. You know who I really love, David? Robert Klein. I would figure you would be a fan of Don Rickles too because you know the kind of insult stuff

I don't do insult stuff you know you get labeled that when you do the roast for Comedy Central that whole insult comic I remember calling Geraldo Rivera on that after Greg Geraldo died he goes your buddy was an insult I go no he wasn't an insult comic that's not doing him any justice

whatsoever uh that's a i just i don't like that phrase if but rickles but yeah i loved how quick rickles was you know um i love that off the cuff stuff absolutely and uh he wasn't afraid to be a little cruel as you say say. Right. Yeah. But George Carlin, I remember that album. You know, I listened to that a thousand times. But Robert Klein, I loved his appearances. And Leno. And Leno was a guest on Letterman.

Google Jay Leno as a guest on David Letterman in the 80s. I could watch that shit for hours on end. He was so funny. Yeah, he was. He was. And clean. Yeah, absolutely was. He was. And clean. Yeah, absolutely. Him and Seinfeld. Yeah, I don't know. The clean thing doesn't

do anything for me, but I saw him, I saw Jay Nix in Boston do two shows on a Friday night. This was back in the 80s. And I go to the manager. What did he get paid? He gets like 90 grand. Imagine that.

Oh, man. All right, Dave, thanks. All right. Take care, buddy. The clean thing. What's that? 90? Yeah.

Jesus. Yeah. Well, he was the guy. Yeah. He was the guy. He had already done the Tonight Shows in 90 or 80, right around there. the guy. He had already done, you know, the Tonight Shows in 90 or 80, right around there.

But, um, as far as the clean thing, I always, people go, oh, that's a mix. It's harder to be, oh, God, you know, oh, so Richard Pryor was what a hack. Sometimes I think it's easier to be clean.

What, I couldn't write 40 jokes about Pop-Tarts and the ingredients and seriously and murder it's harder to talk about real shit i think and that's not taken away from guys who work clean i i like it all but i fucking cypher makes me laugh you know i i like it all but i'm just saying i don't like people that put clean comics ahead. Oh, but he works clean. Yeah, so I guess Hicks and Kennison, they're all kind of cheating, huh? Or Carlin. Or Lenny Bruce.

How did we get on this? What happened? The hell? I don't even know what I was talking about. Joe List's wedding. Oh, yeah, Dick Gregory was there, by the way. Died right at the table. And Jerry Lewis was going to do a few minutes.

He didn't even show up. Disappointing wedding. I'm taking a break, folks. I have chest pains. No. So the wedding and the... Oh, folks. I have chest pains. No. Fucking. So the wedding and the, oh, yeah, that's about it. Yeah, the bats.

I was going to get back to the bats. So I got to walk into that tonight. Let me check right now. Hey, do we get any funny captions for that picture, producer? I doubt it, but I'll look on your Twitter. That's it. Insult the listeners. Producer I doubt it But I'll look on your Twitter That's an insult to listeners Um How'd we do

You got a lot Like where are you looking Are you on the tweet I am not sir You are correct sir Hold on a second This makes for good radio Yeah 91 likes and 12 Yeah but don't you see all the replies below it This makes for good radio Yeah

91 likes and 12 Yeah but don't you see all the replies below it I don't I'm looking at the wrong Here's a new deal for you Forget this dick with polio And get with a Nick DiPaolo This is the finger I use to stir the pot

Hey Eleanor I'm not sure why your stature is erected But I just want Okay Now what are you talking about I thought the Here we go that she's erected, but I just... Okay. Now what are you talking about? I thought the... Here we go. Let's go down. Yeah, that's what I was doing.

It's a billion. Did they run out of bronze down there? Eunuch. A feminist wet dream. Man stops and I'm there from man's fling. All right. Again, the key to comedy is brevity. Keep it pithy.

Billy in Los Angeles has been on the phone for a while. Bill, how are you? Are you stuck in traffic? Your thoughts? Yeah, stuck in traffic. What do you think? I'm in Los Angeles. I don't know.

Maybe you're on foot somewhere pulling down a statue. I wish I'd be going quicker. Colin, I had a chance to think about it. I could think of three overt black racists. Go ahead. Camo, Cam Bon, the Dallas shooter, and that fucking dead asshole, if he would have taken better care of himself, Patrice O'Neal. Oh!

God, I fucking wish he would have taken care of himself. I know. One of the funniest men alive care of himself. I know. Funniest, one of the funniest men alive. And, um... Hey, before I go, before I go next, D-I-L-L-T-E-T-L-E-Y

Bill Tetley. Do that again, Bill. What? What did he say? He's spelling something in song form. I don't know what it is. Well, gee, thanks, Andy. Fuck, I know that. What did he say? He's spelling something in song form. I don't know what it is. Well, gee, thanks, Andy. Fuck, I know that.

What did he spell? I don't know. Telly? Yeah, it was like Telly T. I didn't know it. I thought he was looking at you. Telly T or something? I was looking at you.

I didn't know. I don't know how to make a fucking sandwich. There's a radio jingle for it up on YouTube, Andy. Telly T? Can you guys switch positions? Yeah, I think it's a Tetley T thing. But why does it... Does it have anything to do with you?

I don't know. Let's go to Mark in San Diego. Hey, what's up, Nick? Mark, que pasa, man? Ari Shafir in a bolo tie? Talk about cultural misappropriation. Come on, man. I know.

And he had high-top sneakers on with some type of something written in neon on the sides and like a nice maroon suit. But I fucking love him. He gave me cover for my shitty outfit. Hey, Nick. Yes, sir. Let's remind these pseudo-educated, and I'm calling them pseudo-educated because if your courses are cartoons and Tupac, you're not educated, you piece of shit. that we were introduced to Osama bin Laden when Bubba cigarette-international Clinton bombed on him after he did what?

He disgraced historical monuments. So what's the fucking difference? I mean, come on, you fucking lefties. I need to march down here to San Diego. I need to get up there and knuckle up against these punks. I know. I know, Mark. I feel your pain.

And it really isn't, like I said, it really isn't even about the statues. It's about hating the bigger picture, hating, you know, how this country was founded. And it'll start with the statues. But then eventually, like we said, you got to go to the books that these guys wrote, you know, the documents, whatever, and the money. It's just about hating. I don't know how, out of all the countries on this planet, this became supposedly the most evil in anybody's eyes. It took years and years of indoctrination,

but I think we're watching it come to fruition, aren't we, right now? Go ahead. Roll some of the boys down from Camp Pendleton down here, and these pansies will run, take their masks off, and bow down because... I know. They've been shown to be pussies, Nick. Yeah. No, I agree.

Andy shows up with his face covered, you know? It's like Twitter come to life. Thanks for the call, Mark. All right, Nick. Love the show. And good luck, brother. Hey, let me get a soft serve plug. I'd love to send him some money in his book.

Okay. Nice. Go ahead, Mark. He would be very open to that. All right, give me his plug. Care of Rowan County Jail. I don't know what you want me to say there. All right, Mark. Rowan County Jail. I don't know what you want me to say there. All right, Mark.

Rowan County Jail. I didn't... Did you... I didn't... You have one minute now. Okay. Anyways, folks. That's all I got to say tonight.

I'm going home, and I'm a little nervous. Like I said, I'm going to... I told her to leave the front door open. It worked beautifully last night. to leave the front door open it worked beautifully last night you leave the front door open and and uh you don't leave it open but when you see the bat i have to go into that room with the bat and run to the front door and open it and let me tell you i am a big girl it really i don't like it it scares me and i gotta wait for the pros to get here on Thursday. That means wherever they're coming in.

And what they do is they stay in your house. They can stay in your eaves and in your walls and, you know. Nice and quiet all day until it gets dark. That's what's creepy about them. And they're greasy on top of it. I read online a lady got one stuck in her hair. How's that for a nightmare? That is it.

I'm going home to fight the bats. Wish me luck. Thank you to all the callers tonight. Tomorrow night, comedian, head writer Jimmy Failio will be here. And that is it. We'll talk to you guys soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.